@anita

Yes , thats exactly what i related it to be and i might even be wrong, i might thought about it a bit and started getting this feeling and just didnt notice (instead of feeling it and then relating it to her) , but i didnt think it that much the next days and things were fine , then i started thinking about it when i was about to leave to her house and it came back , so even if it originally felt something is wrong , i assumed its the excitement being over after spending almost three weeks together , sleeping together and spending most of the day together , which is alot and should be fine if excitement lowers,  but as days progressed i started this whole overreacting and the question turned into “do i even love her” .

i know we spent a lot of time together and things have gotten normal and casual , which is something i didnt expect to happen and have changed my view on long term relationship ever since this entire thing started , but the whole storm that came afterwards is entirely me , that one im sure of .

• This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Ben.

@anita

Imagine you get an odd feeling on your upper back that can be felt advancing a bit to your arms and shoulder.

My mind instantly related it to “i dont feel doing something” kind of feeling

it resembles the feeling i get when i dont want to go working out , more or less i think ? i cant really remember my exact feeling, i just remember something wasnt right

@anita

Will do , thanks !

And by “grow” i mean that maybe after she asked me if everything was alright out of the blue , and i actually took a second to ask myself if everything is fine , it made me wake up with those thoughts . Im not blaming her ofcourse ! but im just trying to piece together what made me feel this way from the beginning

@anita

Its actually extremely similar to what ive been experiencing , Repeating the same questions , always checking wheter i love her or not , going online for answers , trying to get help from tons of people just to get the same answer and a bit of comfort for awhile .

Ive decided the last website i go that is related to my issue is this one , without searching any kind of meaning on what wrong with me , also , that situation did made me grow and understand what really love should be all about , not the butterflies or the excitement but to be there for eachother , ive had a discussion with my friend (Also the last person im going to discuss it with) and he told me he had the same experience when a thought “am i gay” came to his mind (hes not against gay people nor do i ) , he told me he was anxious , barely ate anything and he slowly started to believe his thoughts , he went to therapy and he described it like “fooling his mind to think other thoughts” forcing himself to do stuff and to take other prespective , and things slowly gone away .

Now i have no idea what was or is the feelings i had before all this happened , but i know for sure relating it to my girlfriend was a mistake , because it triggered so much other stuff and can actually extremely relate to ROCD .

Im trying to change my point of view and just basically live my life and my relationship , not looking for answers , its hard and tough and hella annoying but discussing it with the entire world will just deepen it , im also going to a therapist tommorow , works with CBT and is an expert with relating physical thoughts to thinking patterns, she sounds nice and she wanted to hear backgroudn on the phone , and really cared for me (Even asked if theres any problem with money because im young and to tell her if theres any problem)

Anyways , i really am trying to change how i think , i started meditating , focus on the positives of my girlfriend while ignoring the weakness\tight throat\ahtever feelings i get in the moment and if all else fails ill try going to medicine for a while , but i want to fight it before i “give up” .

@anita

Im probably going to see a new therapist this week , to see if the former one was good or he was just the first one .

Me and my girlfriend dont believe in taking a break , we see it as a problem we need to pass together in order for us to grow up as a couple and for me as a person , if wed have to take a break everytime im getting doubts then it surely wont work i guess ?

Nothing is really wrong with our relationship ,because of the whole situation i had some thoughts about wheter the relationship is what causes it and thought about alternatives and that me made more stressed , we communicate very well , we see eachothers quirks and accept them , we got the same humor ( Even though recently i focus mostly on the tight throat and weakness so its hard to laugh from anything) and we have the same plans for the future , everything should be great !

One thing i noticed this weekend is that whenever i dont have that tight throat and weakness , i instantly recognize that and think about where did it go and whatever , its like im “searching for it” all the time , and ofcourse it comes back .

Id say nothing is actually wrong with our relationship but me ? we were sitting in bed today and things were going fine , casually cuddling and laughing on instagram or whatever and i felt my throat , i just tried to avoid thinking about it , and after like 30 minutes my mind wondered to a thought about what will happen if we broke up and suddenly the throat feeling transformed into a “almost puke” coughing and then she asked me what was i thinking right now (knowing most of the times this happens is when i think about something bad) so i asked her “what if everything goes great with all the rest but the tight throat stays when im with you ?” which is a thought i had this past few days and she told me “Then maybe its not meant to be” and i felt like i took a kick in the stomach, she obviously told me she didnt believe in that , and i shouldnt too , but i took it pretty hard and it was like a wake up call , atleast thats what im thinking , to show me that i do love her , im just so terrified of the worst possibility happening that i cant calm my mind down

Its not like im stressed all the day , but im having the tight throat most of the day , and i can tell that when i look at her my mind instantly looks for that feeling ,and if its gone then i look for that feeling in the back , and its like a cycle that always brings that feeling and fear back , and ofcourse it will ! i keep searching for it , and i really try to break the pattern but its so hard .

One thing that was actually good about this whole month is that it really made me grow as a partner ,It made me stop taking love for granted and thinking everthing will be easy and its not that “i cant see life without her” that will obviously be a childish thought , but its more like “i dont want to see a life without her” , I can imagine my life without her , it just makes me feel really bad and really makes me motivated to work on myself , but the “what ifs” still hangs there like a rope in my throat , even when things are going great the thoughts still come and go and really makes it hard to fully love my girlfriend .

About my parents , our relationship is good , me and my dad used to fight alot about stupid things , and he used to say things you dont stay to your son , the worst being “Regret you were even born” but he used to be more short tempered and even though things hurted me , i tried not taking things to heart , because both of my parents are mostly caring and giving , but yea we had the fights and me and my dad still have those fights , hes more calm though . hes more religious too and kinda tries to get me to be more religious with him but i always tell him “im not doing it for him” and if i wanted i would .

Again , thanks for taking the time to answer my messages !

@Valora

I know , thats what scares me the most , i know the thing we have between us is not easy to find , seeing my other friends and their dating world , and that fear just made it even worse .

I will seek to find a new exciting hobby , and get a job asap , when im relaxed i find interest in things i used to do before i started overthinking everything so thats something good too i guess , but ill surely try to change things up .

Thanks you so much ! .

@Anita

First thanks for taking the time to reply !

Thats exactly how you describe it , i constantly try to find answer to why im feeling this way and because i didnt have plenty in life , the first thought that came to my mind was that it might be her , it didnt even start as a “do i love her?” type of question , it was more of a “maybe we spend too much together and i got bored” , either way it got me so frightened i really lost it in the first week .

Since then im slowly getting better , more good times with my girlfriend give me a little more assurance that everything is ok , but the downs are still there , i think the loss of the excitement that happens in any relationship and routine is general is just something that i find so hard to accept , and in any other circumstances id probably figured it out way faster , but because it involved my girlfriend , which is basically the most important thing for me right now i lost all proportion to whats really happening and it got me really down , and its hard to recover .

I keep telling myself that ill get so much stronger after passing it , and my girlfriend being so supportive really makes me fall for her all over again but when the down hits all the bad thoughts are coming back .

Even when i feel good , sometime that random thought jumps up and im starting to feel my throat again , i try not to let it take control but at the same time its really sucks .

Am i so scared of a regular routine ? i never thought ill get so lost when routine sets in , maybe its the “no routine” routine i have , without any job or actual stuff to aim for .

Thanks for taking the time to read !

I doubt its a commitment issue to her , shes my first long term relationship and i have always searched for that one woman to stick with , but it may be a commitment issue overall .

You see ,  she made me a better person , before her i was always cutting my workouts , my diets , my everything basically .

She gave me motivation to do all those stuff , and now when we both got into basically a “choose what you want to be” road instead of a guideline wrote to us by other people (Army is a must over here) i was happy enough with her and had no need to search for a job faster or whatever , and recently noticed that i was slacking in food and workouts whenever i wasnt with her and gave myself a hard time “Cant you be motivated without her on your side ? ” now i know i love her , its like were meant to eachother , but it might be that after the whole after the army-before the trip – after the trip excitement ended and i got into a bad routine she started to bore me too ? , and im afraid that fixing my own life wont bring the joy back with her .

I know that staying in this situation wont the relationship aswell but its hard keeping your shit together when the most important thing in your life starts dying because of you .

And maybe im overreacting and its just a phase in a relationship ? i already read enough information to know feelings subside and love is more of a choice but it freaks me out that i cant “feel” my love to her .

My life changed alot , ive built up a name in the army and now after finishing my duty , doing my trip and coming back things have gotten , well , less exciting ? but she gave me all the excitement i needed up until 3 weeks ago when i started doubting my feelings . i know i have to get a job and start working on other aspects in my life without worrying about her but its so hard !

3 Months before i finished the army i had the exact same urges without a reason , so i went to doctors and they found nothing , and it all vanished a day after i was out of the army , that was shocking and terrifying , i didnt even think it was related ! .

maybe im just afraid of changes , in me , in my relationship and  life in general ? .

I know relationships are not an easy task but why cant i accept that and start working on it ? it was just so easy beforehand .

I never stopped telling myself that i love her , i ever did a pros and cons of her and found out that all the negatives i named  ive learned to like them , or atleast accept them .