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December 24, 2018 at 11:20 pm #270797BenParticipant
Thatās exactly what Iāve been trying to reach myself , obviously if i expect that feeling near her it will show up , but itās hard not to after a month of constantly checking back and forth
ive visited a therapist yesterday , sheās super cute and after the first meeting told me it looks like Iām doing those rituals , taking my thoughts and making them my reality , she told me to write down everything that scares me each day and makes me feel this way until next week , she told me that Iād its only a month then it should be easy to break the loop , so Iām hoping for the best .
ive gone out with my girlfriend yesterday and tried as much as I could not to check myself or overthink and most of the time things were good , sheās still my best friend and I still love her , things have just gotten normal I guess .
- This reply was modified 6 years ago by Ben.
December 23, 2018 at 11:56 am #270639BenParticipantYes , thats exactly what i related it to be and i might even be wrong, i might thought about it a bit and started getting this feeling and just didnt notice (instead of feeling it and then relating it to her) , but i didnt think it that much the next days and things were fine , then i started thinking about it when i was about to leave to her house and it came back , so even if it originally felt something is wrong , i assumed its the excitement being over after spending almost three weeks together , sleeping together and spending most of the day together , which is alot and should be fine if excitement lowers,Ā but as days progressed i started this whole overreacting and the question turned into “do i even love her” .
i know we spent a lot of time together and things have gotten normal and casual , which is something i didnt expect to happen and have changed my view on long term relationship ever since this entire thing started , but the whole storm that came afterwards is entirely me , that one im sure of .
- This reply was modified 6 years ago by Ben.
December 23, 2018 at 11:29 am #270627BenParticipantUneasiness ? maybe neck tension , something along those symptoms .
Is it possible that my mind started panicking from the idea something is wrong even before i realised it ?
December 23, 2018 at 11:18 am #270623BenParticipantImagine you get an odd feeling on your upper back that can be felt advancing a bit to your arms and shoulder.
My mind instantly related it to “i dont feel doing something” kind of feeling
it resembles the feeling i get when i dont want to go working out , more or less i think ? i cant really remember my exact feeling, i just remember something wasnt right
December 23, 2018 at 10:41 am #270609BenParticipantWhat ive meant is that i had that “gut” back feeling before i thought about the idea of my girlfriend , but maybe my subconscious or whatever thought about the night before because of what she said ?
Or was it an actual medical condition that was made up as a mental feeling in my mind ? i dont know .
I just remember feeling before thinking about it , but maybe im wrong .
December 23, 2018 at 9:27 am #270601BenParticipantWill do , thanks !
And by “grow” i mean that maybe after she asked me if everything was alright out of the blue , and i actually took a second to ask myself if everything is fine , it made me wake up with those thoughts . Im not blaming her ofcourse ! but im just trying to piece together what made me feel this way from the beginning
December 23, 2018 at 9:00 am #270597BenParticipanti suppose thats true , i actually remember my girlfriend asking me a day before everything started , just before we went to sleep if everything was ok , nothing was wrong so i simply said “nah , everything is fine , what makes you think about that ?” and she replied that i was dreaming , and i remember asking myself if everything was fine , maybe something grow that night and the next morning i started getting that feeling
Do you think by any chance that was what triggered it ? i didnt remember that part happening until today after discussing everything with my friend .
Anyways after reading your comment , i can feel my body is more relaxed , i just need to remember those advices throughout the hard times too .
December 23, 2018 at 8:23 am #270585BenParticipantIts actually extremely similar to what ive been experiencing , Repeating the same questions , always checking wheter i love her or not , going online for answers , trying to get help from tons of people just to get the same answer and a bit of comfort for awhile .
Ive decided the last website i go that is related to my issue is this one , without searching any kind of meaning on what wrong with me , also , that situation did made me grow and understand what really love should be all about , not the butterflies or the excitement but to be there for eachother , ive had a discussion with my friend (Also the last person im going to discuss it with) and he told me he had the same experience when a thought “am i gay” came to his mind (hes not against gay people nor do i ) , he told me he was anxious , barely ate anything and he slowly started to believe his thoughts , he went to therapy and he described it like “fooling his mind to think other thoughts” forcing himself to do stuff and to take other prespective , and things slowly gone away .
Now i have no idea what was or is the feelings i had before all this happened , but i know for sure relating it to my girlfriend was a mistake , because it triggered so much other stuff and can actually extremely relate to ROCD .
Im trying to change my point of view and just basically live my life and my relationship , not looking for answers , its hard and tough and hella annoying but discussing it with the entire world will just deepen it , im also going to a therapist tommorow , works with CBT and is an expert with relating physical thoughts to thinking patterns, she sounds nice and she wanted to hear backgroudn on the phone , and really cared for me (Even asked if theres any problem with money because im young and to tell her if theres any problem)
Anyways , i really am trying to change how i think , i started meditating , focus on the positives of my girlfriend while ignoring the weakness\tight throat\ahtever feelings i get in the moment and if all else fails ill try going to medicine for a while , but i want to fight it before i “give up” .
December 22, 2018 at 11:15 pm #270513BenParticipantBoth my father and my mother were on the same page most of the times , and it even started from the simple stuff like washing dishes .
today I woke up earlier then my girlfriend , thoughts started running , my urges kicked in and I broke down , I just hugged and started crying saying āi canāt do this anymore ,this feeling tears me apart , I canāt stand not being able to love you like I didā Ā she hugged me back saying everything is going to be ok , and Iām going to be okay , but I just canāt , I canāt stand this feeling anymore ,even when Iām not with her right now I feel my throat and I want to visit her , she made me such a wonderful person and Iām taking everything I accomplished and throwing it to the trash , Iām such a mess .
and I canāt bring myself to believe in me or in the relationship , Iām telling myself that once Iāll be ok everything will be better but I just canāt bring myself to fully believe that , why do I have to make the mistake in order to learn ? I donāt want to realize how much I love her after we end it , I want to work on myself with her but itās so hard , itās like I canāt stop focusing the negatives thoughts , and that childish approach to love , searching for any kind of a good feeling in order to reassure everything is great , when in reality all I do is scare myself more , the only thing that is not allowing me to fully enjoy time with her is that tight throat and that back feeling that comes and gos, sheās my best friend and an amazing lover , first sign of struggle and my mind is bailing ? I hate myself so much for letting myself down over and over and over again .
December 22, 2018 at 8:07 am #270417BenParticipantIm probably going to see a new therapist this week , to see if the former one was good or he was just the first one .
Me and my girlfriend dont believe in taking a break , we see it as a problem we need to pass together in order for us to grow up as a couple and for me as a person , if wed have to take a break everytime im getting doubts then it surely wont work i guess ?
Nothing is really wrong with our relationship ,because of the whole situation i had some thoughts about wheter the relationship is what causes it and thought about alternatives and that me made more stressed , we communicate very well , we see eachothers quirks and accept them , we got the same humor ( Even though recently i focus mostly on the tight throat and weakness so its hard to laugh from anything) and we have the same plans for the future , everything should be great !
One thing i noticed this weekend is that whenever i dont have that tight throat and weakness , i instantly recognize that and think about where did it go and whatever , its like im “searching for it” all the time , and ofcourse it comes back .
Id say nothing is actually wrong with our relationship but me ? we were sitting in bed today and things were going fine , casually cuddling and laughing on instagram or whatever and i felt my throat , i just tried to avoid thinking about it , and after like 30 minutes my mind wondered to a thought about what will happen if we broke up and suddenly the throat feeling transformed into a “almost puke” coughing and then she asked me what was i thinking right now (knowing most of the times this happens is when i think about something bad) so i asked her “what if everything goes great with all the rest but the tight throat stays when im with you ?” which is a thought i had this past few days and she told me “Then maybe its not meant to be” and i felt like i took a kick in the stomach, she obviously told me she didnt believe in that , and i shouldnt too , but i took it pretty hard and it was like a wake up call , atleast thats what im thinking , to show me that i do love her , im just so terrified of the worst possibility happening that i cant calm my mind down
Its not like im stressed all the day , but im having the tight throat most of the day , and i can tell that when i look at her my mind instantly looks for that feeling ,and if its gone then i look for that feeling in the back , and its like a cycle that always brings that feeling and fear back , and ofcourse it will ! i keep searching for it , and i really try to break the pattern but its so hard .
One thing that was actually good about this whole month is that it really made me grow as a partner ,It made me stop taking love for granted and thinking everthing will be easy and its not that “i cant see life without her” that will obviously be a childish thought , but its more like “i dont want to see a life without her” , I can imagine my life without her , it just makes me feel really bad and really makes me motivated to work on myself , but the “what ifs” still hangs there like a rope in my throat , even when things are going great the thoughts still come and go and really makes it hard to fully love my girlfriend .
About my parents , our relationship is good , me and my dad used to fight alot about stupid things , and he used to say things you dont stay to your son , the worst being “Regret you were even born” but he used to be more short tempered and even though things hurted me , i tried not taking things to heart , because both of my parents are mostly caring and giving , but yea we had the fights and me and my dad still have those fights , hes more calm though . hes more religious too and kinda tries to get me to be more religious with him but i always tell him “im not doing it for him” and if i wanted i would .
Again , thanks for taking the time to answer my messages !
December 21, 2018 at 1:08 am #270285BenParticipantI visited a therapist twice already , and he didnt actually give me a toolbox but helped me realise my fear is not rational , and to treat the bad thoughts as a background noise , you can check it , try to figure out what is it , but not to be afraid of it .
He told me emotions are a result of our thoughts , and i just need to figure out whats wrong .
Im sure that as soon as i can detach my thoughts from my girlfriend i can actually solve whats wrong with me , but that fear and that feeling something stuck in your throat , and when its not that then its that back feeling all over again just drive me nuts .
Maybe im bored , maybe routine hit me , but that has nothing to do with her , so why cant i detach my thoughts and feelings from her ? why cant i love her like i did a day before i started overthinking it ? ive been told it takes time but it is just so hard to wait for answers instead of looking all around for them .
I honestly just want to be like any other couple who knows when something is wrong and works on the issue , but instead im pacnicking and that effects every aspect of my life .
Were on the same boat after all , it only depends on whether i jump out and “save” myself or try to take out all the water inside (Which not even sure exist outside my mind) .
How can i stop looking at her without expecting that tight throat and weakness to appear ? because when im not expecting i feel better , yesterday after reading the comments here i was more calm , managed to work on stuff that related to me and had fun with my girlfriend , even though i didnt feel butterflies or whatever (Not like the beginning anyways , weve already passed that stage i presume) but then i did a quick nap before going out with her and friends and woke up horribly bad , overthinking got one over me and the night was bad , and when i woke up with her i just hugged her so hard because i was literally shaking .
A friend told me that even when im not with her , i think about her and thats not good , and i should focus on my stuff without thinking about how i feel or how i will feel the next time i see her , but its so hard .
What can i do to detach myself from those thoughts and actually work on myself ?
December 20, 2018 at 9:56 am #270215BenParticipantI know , thats what scares me the most , i know the thing we have between us is not easy to find , seeing my other friends and their dating world , and that fear just made it even worse .
I will seek to find a new exciting hobby , and get a job asap , when im relaxed i find interest in things i used to do before i started overthinking everything so thats something good too i guess , but ill surely try to change things up .
Thanks you so much ! .
First thanks for taking the time to reply !
Thats exactly how you describe it , i constantly try to find answer to why im feeling this way and because i didnt have plenty in life , the first thought that came to my mind was that it might be her , it didnt even start as a “do i love her?” type of question , it was more of a “maybe we spend too much together and i got bored” , either way it got me so frightened i really lost it in the first week .
Since then im slowly getting better , more good times with my girlfriend give me a little more assurance that everything is ok , but the downs are still there , i think the loss of the excitement that happens in any relationship and routine is general is just something that i find so hard to accept , and in any other circumstances id probably figured it out way faster , but because it involved my girlfriend , which is basically the most important thing for me right now i lost all proportion to whats really happening and it got me really down , and its hard to recover .
I keep telling myself that ill get so much stronger after passing it , and my girlfriend being so supportive really makes me fall for her all over again but when the down hits all the bad thoughts are coming back .
Even when i feel good , sometime that random thought jumps up and im starting to feel my throat again , i try not to let it take control but at the same time its really sucks .
Am i so scared of a regular routine ? i never thought ill get so lost when routine sets in , maybe its the “no routine” routine i have , without any job or actual stuff to aim for .
Thanks for taking the time to read !
December 20, 2018 at 5:47 am #270119BenParticipantI see , first of all thanks for taking your time and helping ! it really eases my mind
One thing ive seen that improve things in all aspects of my life is that whenever i feel passionate for something , it transfers into other parts , my issue is that my mind got used to search any type of feeling when either thinking about my girlfriend or being with her , and now everytime i get even the tiniest thought into my mind it can translate to something much worse .
When i just roll with it , not overthinking if the last joke she made actually makes me laugh or am i just faking it , things are more like they used to be , im not looking to feel anything but the love just shows up randomly and if not then its ok after all we did spend so much time recently , sleeping together and both had no jobs so we had a lot of time together for everything .
I hope that when i get a job , things will just return naturally , but ill always keep in mind that relationship takes work and its not as easy as i thought it will be . maybe things have actually gotten a little boring after so much time together , i mean , were only 1.3 years together but we already have been sleeping in eachothers house a lot , went to a trip together , being seperate for around 3 months before and after our trip (I finished mine and joined hers for a while) , a lot of mutual friends means a lot of nights together and barely any alone (We both had our friends circle and wanted eachother to have his life too , and that principle got kinda lost after the trip)
In general , ive always felt our relationship was really good , being really communicative , having so much in common and making up for eachothers weaknesses , i guess im really afraid of losing her and the first thought of what if made me lose it .
December 20, 2018 at 5:14 am #270105BenParticipantI doubt its a commitment issue to her , shes my first long term relationship and i have always searched for that one woman to stick with , but it may be a commitment issue overall .
You see ,Ā she made me a better person , before her i was always cutting my workouts , my diets , my everything basically .
She gave me motivation to do all those stuff , and now when we both got into basically a “choose what you want to be” road instead of a guideline wrote to us by other people (Army is a must over here) i was happy enough with her and had no need to search for a job faster or whatever , and recently noticed that i was slacking in food and workouts whenever i wasnt with her and gave myself a hard time “Cant you be motivated without her on your side ? ” now i know i love her , its like were meant to eachother , but it might be that after the whole after the army-before the trip – after the trip excitement ended and i got into a bad routine she started to bore me too ? , and im afraid that fixing my own life wont bring the joy back with her .
I know that staying in this situation wont the relationship aswell but its hard keeping your shit together when the most important thing in your life starts dying because of you .
And maybe im overreacting and its just a phase in a relationship ? i already read enough information to know feelings subside and love is more of a choice but it freaks me out that i cant “feel” my love to her .
My life changed alot , ive built up a name in the army and now after finishing my duty , doing my trip and coming back things have gotten , well , less exciting ? but she gave me all the excitement i needed up until 3 weeks ago when i started doubting my feelings . i know i have to get a job and start working on other aspects in my life without worrying about her but its so hard !
3 Months before i finished the army i had the exact same urges without a reason , so i went to doctors and they found nothing , and it all vanished a day after i was out of the army , that was shocking and terrifying , i didnt even think it was related ! .
maybe im just afraid of changes , in me , in my relationship andĀ life in general ? .
I know relationships are not an easy task but why cant i accept that and start working on it ? it was just so easy beforehand .
I never stopped telling myself that i love her , i ever did a pros and cons of her and found out that all the negatives i namedĀ ive learned to like them , or atleast accept them .
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