Thanks both of you !

Yes Matt – I think it is that I want him to think the same as me, as if he dosent, I somehow equate that with him being ”not quite right” or maybe that we are wrong for eachother if we differ in our opinions. And I guess something like that – killing of animals for ‘sport’ I get angered ! But you are right – just because he dosent have compassion for the hare, does not make him a daemon ! I think as well as compassion there is control and fear in there for sure – things I have to watch.

Yes Jade – really relate to that ! I guess it’s natural to have both some different, and some similar viewpoints. I have a best friend who actually dosent like animals !!! I said to her – ”so you dont like elephants” ? ” or tigers ” (to me they are amazing ) and she said ”no, I just dont ” ! But in that case I didnt try to persuade her to my opinion, I just kind of thought it was odd, and moved on, whereas I take it really personally when its my significant other !!

Thanks for the valubale feedback guys – Just want to say I think this is such a great place to bounce ideas and life’s questions around. It also really helps, so thank you very very much.

Namaste friends,
Barbs.

Matt, thank you so much, for your time and consideration, as always 🙂

Yes – wow, that is all so true. As long as I keep on my path of awareness and self development, along with mindfulness, I believe I will see things more clearly.

As you say – becoming attuned to who we are is key in making the right decisions for us.

Funny enough, he called me at least 5 times today from spain (the drunkness seems to have worn off with a bit of soakage of spanish tapas and coffee and their famous churros ! ) He sent me pictures of the river and the village, and said he went on a long walk and was surrounded by kittens and cats – I was so happy to hear that he was surrounded by the natural beauty and not just rushing around, as that is good for us all.

He has a good heart, as do many and most – Its just that we all want the path to joy, and I just want to be joyfull and at one , as mucha as possible with my intimate partner. I hope that can be with him, but we shall see as time passes.

I guess time will tell, and the best thing for me to do is keep on my track, on my path – and keep from trying to mould him ! Just let it be, and all will unfold as it will anyway !

Thanks Matt
Blessings,
Namaste,

Barbs.

Thanks so much for your wisdom Matt. You are so insightfull.

Yes this is the thing I am grappling with – the fact that though I am trying to be mindfull, Im cultivating inner peace, I feel the relationship throws me off balance – or that he does possibly. I might have everything at peace, feeling good, and feeling all is well, but I get floored ! I have a house, job, family (compicated mother situation, but I have learned to keep healthy distance) And yet a harmonioius relationship eludes me. Yes to be attatched to a card is pointless, but I think it was exactly that – just the thoughtlessness that I saw, that I find hard to put my finger on with him.

His thoughtlessness can sometimes make daily life hard. I am a teacher, so I must got to bed earlyish, but rarely will he come to bed with me to share that time together – he wants to do things his way. I often think that he takes and crosses my boundaries – he will ask me to drive when I am tired (he has no licence yet ) and when I say no, he will plead and I give in. Its like we are on the sea in two seperate boats – and no matter how I try to get him to see that a relationship requires a bit of mindful attention, he seems to just carry on as normal. Even when he sees my mindfulness changing me and helping me grow, he gives me no encouragement. He is full of the bussiness of his job, friends, and on his days off he is busy getting things done, catching up on things. Its kind of like a mouse on a treadmill living with a chef. But I dont think all chefs are the same ! This is how he deals with things.

He phoned me today from Spain, on his fishing trip holiday – the first day of the holiday, pissed : drunk as a skunk ! (im not saying I dont get drunk / tipsy, but this was slurred words drunk !) And then asked me was I just up out of bed ! Its 16.00 here – so he clearly hadnt even a clue what time it was. Leaving me then with worries – such as – will he fall into the river ? Can I trust him in that state ? Will his friends look after him if he is that way ? But Ive decided to take my attention off it – as he is a grown 30 year old man. But it will forever be this way – as I cant see him change.

He says he wants kids, family, career success (which im sure he will achieve as he is career driven) But that all seems abstract to me when I have nothing to hold on to. Its hard to explain – it’s just a feeling of him not being on solid ground – his roots are not strong or something. I havent got a sense of feeling safe. Sould I expect that ? Is it ok for me to want that feeling of safety with a man ? I want someone who is solid ! Maybe its too much to ask.

And if we leave a person, when do we know to jump ship ? And how to do it ? How do we do that act of saying goodbye for good ? I feel if I let him go, even though my gut says Im not fully happy here, I might regret it, as In his words he says he wants family life – but the actions are still boyish at times, and dont seem to reconcile with that goal of family.

Again the phone call from Spain said -” I dont give a shit that you might worry, I dont care that Im pissed drunk. ” ”Ive checked in with you now, so thats grand, on I go ”. This kind of stuff does feel like an endurance trial, one long compromise and sacrifice.

I still have my inner peace here – I got ready to go back to work, cleaned the house, got my teacher supplies ready, and Im going out for a meal with my parents. But things are tinged with a tiny bit of anxiety and sadness. I dont think Im able for him, and his life and his job – I see friends going on walks with their husband, holidays, and just relaxing at weekends. Instead I see him for a few hours in the night time. It’s a lot for anyoune to handle, just the chef job, never mind the other things.

I guess I have to dig seep here and see can I do this, can I see it working, in say 5 yrs time ? He will be working 70 hours a week till he is 45. Can I do it ?? I think I could if he would show care and gentleness, but thats not realy him!

Back to my meditation this evening I think 🙂

Many warm wishes,
Barbs.

I woke up this morn at 9 am to a phone call, I was still half asleep – he got let go from his job, when he walked into work today, which is awful, as he worked so hard there. He siad he was also talking to an old acquaintance, just before me – (a guy who had actually taken his job before, but they had subsequently built bridges. I asked ”oh how come you were talking to Brian ” – I was just asking as he had done a lot of bad things professionally to my partner in the past – at which point he blew up – said ”why are you asking me that” – So now everything I ask – even if it is out of normal conversation (they had been enemies for ages ) He got annoyed, and hung up on me (as he keeps doing lately whenever he gets remotely annoyed about anything )

He rang me back and said – ”its over, I dont want to do this, I cant trust you” – ie :cant trust that I am not suspicious of everything at all times. He just said lets move on, ”new start for me”

Well I guess I have to let him go – as it has been also deeply painful for me – one minute he is moving back, the next he dosent want to see me until Monday – despite the fact that last weekend he benefited of all of our love and intimacy, and seemed happy. Deep down I know he has too many doubts, fears and deep seated bitterness to me, for things in the past, which he continually brings up and reminds me how much I have failed, that I am fragile and my mind is just damaged etc. He said he has to move on , and that I should too. We are meeting today for a coffee – and I guess I have to say ”ok im letting you go ” as I cant deal with this limbo backwards and forwards anymore. I know the relationship has been damaged by my misturst – and he in turn, never opens up to me. So its like a catch 22 – no matter how I try he ”dosent believe” in me, and he said he is always uneasy.

Bottom line is it looks like he just wants nothing to do with me.

Like all the others here I guess Im going to have to pick myslef up and move on and try to heal myself.

Very confused, upset, and dissapointed, as we were going to move back in.

Barbs.

Yes Matt – that makes sense – the splinter indeed !

I have to let go of the suspicion, that is for sure

.We spoke today – and he said he needs to see evidence, that I can stop the anxiety, and the questions, and the suspicions – reitterating that these are aspects that are kind of deal breakers for him. I said I am doing my best, to work on that, and doing my part to make myself stronger in that area. Whenever I ask for understanding about that – he almost recoils, as his is just sick of that aspect of it, and has said time and time again that that is a side to me that he really dislikes. I suggested that when I feel anxious, I could get a hug rather than ask questions – to which he replied that he would try that for a few weeks and see if I could be happy with just a hug ( ie, he is sceptical about it working ) He also said he has doubts and fears about moving back, and that he is largely doing it because I want it – which isnt exactly going into something with an open heart – its like he will go in with barriers up !! So now im doubting whether I should move back in with him, when he has all these doubts (which I guess I have too to an extent – the life of a chef’s partner has major sacrifices involved in it – , and it is not just easy for me either : the lonliness can be hard – being with someone, yet passing like ships in the night most of the time )

One thing also, that I dont understand, is why people lie, and why they dont just tell the truth all the time. At the moment he is staying with his Mum, and he siad to me that he told her on Monday that he will be moving out . On Monday evening he said ”yes I told my Mum ” When speaking to his Mum today, she said he told her last night. Why lie about that ? I just dont at all understand why he would say that he told her on monday !!! (he does not know she rang me ) Its just useless lies – unless its a case of crossed wires again as his mum said, ”he may have mentioned it on Monday, I cant remember, as I was so busy ” …….Is this me spinning again, latching onto suspicion – yet again. In any case, im aware that its mother – son stuff – and their conversations are between them – but I dont understand why say he said it when he didnt. Also makes me think he was just waiting a few extra days to think more – all the while telling me that he had it arranged. Oh do you see where my mind goes, and how it works – one question leads to the next, and by the time im done I’m fit for a gallon of prozack ! I work myself into a complete lather – and into a spin, yet again, over and over. I sometimes wonder if I should be in serious medication for this, as it is like a brain disorder.

(oh i think the therapist in inverted commas, was just because its a bit embarrasing ! And I kind of feel stupid that I cant be ok with life, and sort things out myself. But hey, all I can do is try. )

I know we love eachother – but its complicated, and sometimes I wonder if its not meant to be – so many obstacles, differences, and yet we have similarities and common ground too. Oh if I could wave a magic wand I would…..:) And plus im 35 – and the biological reality is that I have to hurry up, in a way – and sometimes I think it will always be complicated. I want to have children with someone who wants me, who wants to say – I stand by you no matter what – but thats maybe a fairy tale.

Warm wishes,
Blessings,
Barbs.

Thanks – yes, i get so tied in , attatched , and obsessive when i feel he is not telling me the truth – ie the odd phone pattern…i start wondering, surmising that he would lie about manyvthings if he lies about that…I spent most of the day, in fact all of it feeling low, lethargic and sad.

Id really like to never feel this way anymore !! Yes, back to the cushion !

I just wonder though if he cares – as i would like to be respected and treasured – and the fact that i help him with things, i show him honesty, and im currently showing him how much im trying to work at my part. Im not sure he is tending to his pary !! If he was he would see that we are still on shaky ground, and surely he would want to make things easier and better between us. But yes, that hs his side and i cant go over to his side.

Ill try to stay on my own path – regardless ! 🙂

Thanks Matt 🙂

It seems even though I try, the universe is sending me messages, or my significant other is, that he is just not that into me ! Or not maybe willing to respectfully meet me half way.

We spent a lovely day together yesterday, it was romantic and nice , and I was really practicing all that I have learned. He was busy during the day organising a big fishing trip (he adores fishing and these trips mean a lot to him ) with some colleagues and friends, and I helped him to get organised, by driving far away for something important that he especially needed for the trip. He was thankful, and he went last night to his friends house with all his fishing gear to get it all set up and ready for this mammoth fishing trip.

Getting out of the car he said, ill ring you before I go to bed to say goodnight.

So I was at home, and I was looking forward to saying goodnight to him. I waited and waited, and I was getting tired, so I rang him, no answer, so i tried again, and the phone cut off, and I was hung up on. Then I got a message from him 20 mins later – that the ”phone was in the kitchen charging, sorry ill ring you when I get home” (later when i asked why the phone hung up he said it must have been one of the kids in the kitchen, as he didnt know anything about that.) So again I waited, and now it was really late. He txted to say he was just home, and that he might just go to bed as he was tired and he was in a bad mood due to the fishing gear not going the way they had palnned.

I know that all sounds long winded and obsessive !!! – but I dont understand the mindset of somebody who cant just be respectful and call and say ”sorry honey, im busy, and ill say goodnight now, as I could be late getting to bed ”. Why not choose the respectful, clean, honest option ? Instead of hanging up, and lots of silly messages back and forth. I really just dont get it.

Now I feel a bit rejected and mistreated, made a bit of a fool of – and I know maybe it sounds minor, but we had only had a conversation about mutual respect the day before. And then that happens – I always call him when I say I will, I dont let him down. Maybe im an obsessive person, but maybe he is insensitive.

I know it will seem as an overreation, but these are the things that send me into spinning mode – especially hanging up the phone and then saying he didnt know anything about it, that it was a kid in the kitchen ? – why bother lieing / maybe it wasnt a lie !! I dont know !!

Spinning and messed up mind chatter !

Barbs.