Hi Ben

First of all, congratulations for giving your dreams a go, and for being prepared to acknowledge that they haven’t turned out as you had expected. There are many who would try to stick to it blindly and make themselves miserable in the process, forgetting that they only went into it in the first place to improve their overall happiness. You have been level-headed enough to see the dead-end in front of you, and have turned around to try another route – that’s why you can be confident you will make progress in the long run.

It sounds as if you are now in a similar position to many people who have perhaps been made redundant, or who retire, and suddenly the driving force behind them has disappeared. It’s an incredibly stressful time, so don’t be hard on yourself. Fortunately you are at least still employed, so that should at least cover the necessities of life while you make up your mind what to do next.

I think Anita’s comment about children is very relevant. Think back to the things you enjoyed doing when you were young. I’m guessing that there was a lot of art-related stuff, but write it all down anyway. Even though you no longer want to pursue the art route, it may point you to something even more fundamental which could help you determine what you really want to do.

For example, one of the things I loved to do as a child, like many others of my age, was to build model plane kits. Was that because of an interest in building, or in creating something beautiful, or the peace and quiet it gave me away from my brothers? Or was it because of an interest in aviation, or in history, or in engineering? Or in painting, adhesives, or plastics? By listing the things you enjoyed, and then understanding what it was that you enjoyed about them, you may find some useful pointers.

In the meantime, however, I would say don’t be too concerned about spending a bit of time drifting. People all around you survive perfectly well without any goals at all. You probably don’t want to do it forever, but for a short time it can be quite liberating. If you really feel you need something, create a goal to decide what you want to do by the end of the year. Then you can set abut researching, obtaining relevant information, contacting relevant people, etc. in exactly the same way as if you were pursuing a specific goal.

If you are feeling unwell at the moment, take the opportunity to pamper yourself for a few days. Really indulge yourself in whatever makes you feel better. That alone will probably give you a lot of pointers to what makes you feel good, and you’ll feel a whole lot better for it.

Hi there

Having got out of an abusive relationship at about the same time as you (albeit as a man and considerably older), I can completely understand the feelings that you describe.

The first and most important thing to remember is that you were the innocent victim here. Abusers are cowardly in that they will behave outrageously, and then try to put the blame for their behavior on the victim, as if they had no control over their own actions. No matter how much he tried to make you think that it was your fault, you have nothing whatsoever to be ashamed of.

It is all too easy for a kind and caring person to be manipulated by someone who is just looks for sympathy from others and never accepts responsibility for their own life. You are right that he saw in you are target, someone he could control to make him somehow feel superior. But the reason for that is because you are a kind and caring person. You were exploited because you are worthwhile and valuable. In the same way that a burglar will target a property that looks like it will have something valuable in it, an emotional “burglar” will target someone with something to offer.

So you have nothing to be ashamed of, and you must be a valuable person to have put up with so much – you must have had incredible reserves of kindness and compassion. And going through that experience will have given you an additional layer of understanding and strength. I can understand that it is really, really difficult to see that from where you are at the moment. But as someone who has been through all those feelings, I can assure you it is true.

From your post, you are still at the angry and bitter stage, which we all have to go through. The good news is, it means you are very close to a breakthrough. At the moment, you are turning this anger and bitterness inwards. Once you are able to release those feelings, you will start to feel much more calm and peaceful, and be able to acknowledge your true worth and feel the strength you have built up from your experience.

Your post is also very focused on the past, which is another key area to work on. Your past affected you in the past. The only way that it can affect you now and in the future is if you allow it to. In dwelling on the past, you give it power over now. By giving it power over now, it influences the decisions you make for your future. I’m not pretending it’s easy to stop dwelling on the past – it isn’t. Just that it is an area that you must focus on, because nothing will start to change until you do. Once I decided to put my past behind me it genuinely was like a new dawn.

I would strongly suggest that you get in contact (if you aren’t already) with support groups to talk to others who have been through the same experience. I would definitely suggest getting some professional help – you are not alone in this. Try reading “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle. But most importantly of all, remember that you are worthy, you are valuable, you are strong – if you weren’t you would never have been a target. You were exploited by a weak person who used you for their own ends at a vulnerable time in your life – he is the one who should be ashamed, not you. You can hold your head up high, and tell yourself out loud that he doesn’t control you any more.

It is going to take time, but you have already taken a big step by asking for support. There are (unfortunately) many who can identify with your story, and who will understand what you are going through. Use their experience, and pass it on, and you will be amazed at the effect it has on you.

Hi Nicole

Maybe it’s because I was in your position for so long during my marriage that I can identify with your story – whilst the circumstances were different, the manipulation was the same. Having had the benefit of a longer time since it all happened, as well as considerably longer on the planet, I’ll try to explain why I think you are an innocent victim in all of this.

Any person who is fundamentally kind and caring will have a natural tendency to make allowances for the behaviour of others, where we believe that they have issues or problems that they are trying to deal with. That is a wonderfully human trait which can bring great comfort to those who need it. All of us enjoy receiving, as well as providing, sympathy.

There are some, however, who take this to a whole different level. Those who don’t just enjoy sympathy, but who demand it – “sympathy junkies” if you like. No doubt there will have been something in their background which meant that they only got attention if something went wrong, or they hurt themselves, or they were upset. Whatever the cause, they crave sympathy because that is when people have to be nice to them.

What happens when a sympathy junkie meets a kind, caring individual? The danger is that it begins to descend into a controlling and manipulative relationship, where the caring individual tries to do everything that they can to keep the other happy, irrespective of the effect it has on them personally. Meanwhile the sympathy junkie just demands bigger and bigger fixes until ultimately the other has nothing left to give.

He found in you someone who cared about his problems. But instead of appreciating it, he exploited it. So he created more problems in order to get more and more sympathy out of you. The more you did for him, the more he demanded. And because you cared, you made allowances. So he exploited you even more. You say you “…felt compelled to stay and help him figure it out.” Not because you are stupid, but because you are a kind and caring person. And he loved the idea that you felt sorry for him whilst he was able to do whatever the hell he liked – he got the sympathy he craved even when his behaviour was outrageous.

So the reason I believe you are an innocent victim, is because you were doing what you did because you were kind and caring, not because you were being stupid or because you somehow got a kick out of it. I admit, from the outside, it looks very strange why anyone would put up with it. Having been in your position, I have had many friends (not only of mine, but also of my ex-wife) say to me, “What the hell were you thinking? How on earth did you put up with it?” But when you are going through it, you are made to feel as if you are just not trying hard enough, and that it is your fault. And you don’t blame your partner, because of all the “difficulties” they have.

You say that he feels that he is victorious, and got what he wanted. I think that was probably the case when you were still together. He was able to exploit his power and control over you to such an extent that you would live entirely according to rules he was setting. You even say how you were “…on thin ice and had to minimize my needs…”. His new woman, on the other hand, would have been putting pressure on him to make a decision. You were just going along with him, so because he is a weak, childish individual, he took the path of least resistance and left you. He thought that if it didn’t work out you’d probably come back anyway – after all, you had put up with everything else. But the thing is, you didn’t. You saw through it, matured and fought back. And that is precisely why he now has to make it sound like it is really what he wanted all along.

It takes a long time to understand how your good intentions were used against you. For me, more than 4 years after it ended, I still have tough days. Sometimes it might be reading the story of an abuse victim in the news. Sometimes seeing something on TV. Sometimes just speaking with a friend about what used to happen and seeing the look on their face. But then I read stories like yours and realise that it happens to others too. I wasn’t stupid. I wasn’t a masochist. I was exploited by someone who abused my better nature. So were you. And so, to hear the story of how a fellow “survivor” is getting her life back together and moving on is both motivating and inspiring.

That passion and fire burning inside you is going to propel you towards a fantastic future. And after all you have been through, that is nothing more than you deserve.

Hi Nicole

There’s nothing wrong with you – you are a human being, and have human reactions. You were treated badly, and of course it is going to resurface sometimes. But that doesn’t mean you are doing anything wrong. Anita is right – keep doing what works and these feelings will come back less and less often.

I still get days where I feel like you do today, more than 4 years after my wife left. Sometimes I can fight it off. Other times, I need to take something I’ll call a “Forget It!” day (I actually call it something else but I can’t write that in my post). I allow myself to wallow in it, for one day only. It’s a bit like when you have a nasty cold or flu – giving yourself a rest and the chance to recover. It seems to allow my subconscious to work on the issue, and develop an action plan to deal with it. Maybe it’s just the child in me – when a toddler is upset, you need to acknowledge it, give him time to calm down, and then focus on something else.

From your post it sounds as if you are upset at what happened to you, and now that is compounded by what is being said about you, and I know exactly how that feels. The best way I found of getting through that is by exchanging my anger for pity. Think about it. He cheated on you, lied to you and treated you badly. In other words, he was so insecure that he didn’t risk losing your relationship until he had lined up another one. How weak is that? And now, he feels the need to justify his decision to everyone else as publicly as possible, by telling everyone that it was your fault. You know the truth – how much turmoil must be going on in his head to feel the need to lie about you?

And what about his new partner, this “girl of his dreams” – she now has to deal with someone who was too weak to tell you how he felt, is prepared to blame her for his own failings, and has already exposed his nasty side. If all this is what he needs to make him happy, then just give them your blessing, and count yourself fortunate to be out of it.

You are angry because you deserve so much better. Don’t allow him steal any more of you – rise above it and carry on creating your new life.

Hi redcar

I don’t usually comment on relationship issues, but as a man who was cheated on, I might be able to give you a useful angle on this.

First, I would say that it is huge positive that you are taking responsibility for your actions. There are many (men and women) who do not, or who blame the other party for not caring about them enough. That is an abdication of responsibility, and makes it easier to justify similar behaviour in the future. The fact that you are not doing this, and acknowledging your feelings of guilt, mean that you are far less likely to repeat this behaviour. It also reinforces that you are a good and worthy person who cares about the feelings of others.

You say that you cheated on him “during the dull parts”. Now, every relationship of any duration will have its “dull parts”. The issue is how we deal with them. In my case, I tried to do everything that I could to help my wife deal with her issues and revive the relationship because, in my eyes, I had made a firm commitment and therefore looking outside was not even an option. I simply had to find a way to make it work. Ultimately that didn’t happen because she was looking for an answer elsewhere. As you have found out, once you start thinking along those lines, it is the beginning of the end for the relationship.

Ultimately you broke up, not because you cheated on him but because the relationship had run out of steam. That happens sometimes – it doesn’t mean that either of you are bad people. Did the relationship run out of steam because you knew deep down that you had cheated? Maybe, but from what you have said it sounds as if things were going that way anyway. You tried one solution, which didn’t work. You looked for others, and they didn’t work either. You are two good people, just not right for each other – there is no shame or guilt in that.

You also talk about forgiveness for those who cheat. Was I upset when I found out? Of course I was. Do I forgive my ex-wife for her cheating? Of course I do. It was as much a symptom as a cause of our split. Much as I would have preferred things to work out differently, it had to be something that we both wanted, and ultimately it wasn’t. I spent many years, as you put it, watering a dead plant. She obviously was unhappy with the relationship. Why would I force someone I care about to stay unhappy? Now I can focus on myself, and on my future, and on someone who does value our relationship. Why would I waste time and effort feeling angry or bitter about that?

At the moment you are taking all of the guilt on yourself because your ex is unaware of what happened. He can’t forgive you, or be angry, or respond in any way to something he doesn’t know about. You are also worried that others might find out about what happened, and so you are constantly living in fear of that. But remember that he, and those others, will all have done things that they shouldn’t have done, and things that they would not want anyone else to know about. It is part of being human. It doesn’t make them bad people, and the same goes for you.

The solution to all of this is to forgive yourself in the same way that you ask us to forgive others. Your post suggests that you did what you did because the relationship was already over (even though you may not have been aware of it). You tried everything you could to revive it, but that didn’t work. Maybe you cheated because you already knew it was over, or to help you decide if it really was worth fighting for. Whatever the reason, the outcome would have been the same.

So, in summary, the split sounds like it was the best long-term outcome for both of you. You clearly care very deeply about the feelings of others. You have learned a lesson from your actions, and now understand the hurt it causes you personally as well as others. So having learned the lesson, accept it, forgive yourself, and move forward from today. We are defined not by our past actions, but by how we respond to those actions. Your response is positive and caring. Extend that response to yourself as well as others, and everyone will benefit from your experience.

Hi Nicole

I don’t think your idea is foolish or weak – I think it is perfectly understandable and normal given the recent experience you have gone through. But…

I think it would be a good idea to consider very carefully what your motivations are to do this, and what the long-term cost will be. Is this intended to be a positive move forwards in your life, or is it simply retreating to the place where you felt safe before you went out into the big wide world and got hurt?

Reading your post, you mention the “safety” aspects in very definite terms, (“I want to be with my remaining childhood friends,” etc.), whilst your future plans seem vague (“Maybe eventually I’ll get an apartment…”). It seems that you want to take that step back, before even starting to think of where that step might take you next. That is not so much starting fresh, as returning to “Go”.

Sometimes we become so focused on a particular solution that we forget what the problem is that we are trying to solve. Whenever I have been faced with similar situations in my life, I have always sat down with a pencil and paper and drawn up two columns: a list of all the good things in my life on the left and all the bad things on the right. Aside from this being quite cathartic in itself, it also helps focus my mind on what the real issue is, and whether what I am proposing is really a sensible solution.

From your post, it sounds like your job situation is very good. This is important – we spend a lot of our waking hours at work (usually many more than we do with our partners, especially if you have to commute), and having a job you hate or nasty people around you or both can have a devastating effect on your self-esteem and well-being. Maybe you will find another job just as good, but it is a lottery.

You talk about wanting to be with your remaining childhood friends. I grew up in a time when it was much more difficult to keep in touch with people. In some ways that was good – there are plenty of people from my youth that I would rather not see any more (and I’m sure the feeling is mutual). But now it is so much easier to keep in touch (virtually and physically), I would be wary of basing any life-changing decisions around that.

You say your parents could do with the help of rent money. I am certainly closer to your parent’s age than yours, and I could also do with the help of rent money from my children, but there is no way I would want that at the expense of their futures. And going back is unlikely to be the same as it was. I don’t doubt your parents would love to have you around, but they are leading their own lives too. They have raised you and seen you fly the nest. To see you come back wounded would be bitter-sweet for them. Of course your heart wants to be home, but that will never go away – on that basis you would stay with your parents for the rest of their lives, and I am sure they wouldn’t want that for you.

All of the above are just intended as considerations, however, and it may be that in your particular case, these issues wouldn’t apply – I am only going by the tone and wording of your post. If, however, there is a more positive aspect to your move, then all of those issues would matter less.

For example, as a parent, I would be concerned if one of my daughters decided to return to live with me, giving up a perfectly good job in the process, and with no clear idea of what to do next, but saying she is going to “think about it”. That concern would be doubled if she had just come out of an abusive relationship – it would feel like she is still allowing him to damage her. If, however, she tells me that she has found a good job near me and needs somewhere to stay whilst she finds a place of her own, that would be very different: in that case, she is moving forward and in control.

So, in summary, you are understandably bruised and thinking about what to do next. I would just suggest that you think very clearly whether your proposed next step is a positive (i.e. a step back in order to move further forward), or a negative (retreating to where it felt safe).

Hi Antonio

As someone who is probably quite a lot older than you, I won’t attempt to tell you what to do, but just try to give you a bit of perspective.

I, and a number of other friends (both male and female) were faced with a similar dilemma when we were younger. I come from a small community, so quite often opportunities would mean travelling far away. I can honestly say I can’t think of a single case where the person staying put to please their partner ended well. Equally, those who took the opportunities when they were presented all seem to have flourished, some with their partner from years ago, some without.

I think sometimes people use their partner as an excuse to stay in their comfort zone, rather than grabbing that exciting but scary opportunity in a strange place. Others may genuinely try to put their partner’s interest first. Either way, it seems that the long-term effect of this is to gnaw away at the relationship, creating bitterness and frustration. And almost always, it has been the person who they stayed for who has been the one to walk out (saying that “they are not the same person” – well, exactly! They suppressed who they were for you!). In contrast, those who have taken their opportunities have blossomed as individuals.

If one of my children gets a fantastic opportunity, I am genuinely deeply happy and supportive. The effect on me personally might be negative (because I see less of them), but that doesn’t even enter my head. What makes me happiest is seeing them happy, because I truly love them. If I didn’t, and was only focused on my own welfare, how would I react? Maybe I’d try to put them off, make them feel guilty for moving away from me, or for not seeing me so much.

The world of middle-age is littered with sad souls (including me) who suppressed their own desires in order to please someone else. Inevitably, that someone else has taken what they had to offer and moved on, usually to someone who followed their dreams when they were younger. Why? Because those people are more interesting and exciting.

My only other comment would be to consider what will happen when your girlfriend graduates (if you stay). What if she gets an opportunity a long way away? Will she stay for you, because you stayed for her? If she does, you have both suppressed your opportunities for each other, and that’s not a great basis for a long-term relationship. If she goes, how would you feel? Why can she pursue her dreams and not you?

You have spent five years looking for an opportunity and have finally found what you are looking for. Obviously those opportunities are not easy to find. I would expect someone who loves you to be happy for you, and to find a way of dealing with it. The fact that you are having to ask the question suggests to me that you already know deep down what you should do.

Hi Phightphear
I have been where you are a number of times in my life, and understand exactly the feeling you are describing. It is like being engulfed in a huge fog, where nothing anyone says or does seems to help, and every attempt to escape from it is like climbing a greasy pole. Even when I have known exactly what I needed to do to break free, I just felt unable to do it. It seemed that, no matter what I did, life would just keep kicking me in the face again and again, seeming to make any effort futile.

It has happened to me so often that I now have a sort of template for dealing with it. Maybe it will work for you, maybe it won’t. Maybe bits of it will work. But doing anything is always better than doing nothing.

My first action whenever such feelings occur now, is to give myself a day or two to just wallow in it (I have a term for it that I can’t use here, so we’ll call it a “Forget It!” day). Now, I have often read and been told that this is a bad idea, that I should just work through it. Well, maybe for them that’s true. For me, I need a day or two to sit and feel sorry for myself, watch trashy TV or catch up on box sets, and stuff my face with chocolate and snacks. The benefit of this is that it seems to purge all of the negative feelings quickly, and get me ready for action again. It’s a bit like having a flu bug – a couple of days rest and you get better quickly, but trying to work through it makes it drag on for weeks.

It also puts the world on pause for a moment, to let me get my thoughts in order again. I don’t give myself any longer than that, though – that would be hiding, which only makes things worse.

That pause allows me to draw up a plan of action. I like to write it out to help get it straight in my head. For each thing that is bugging me, I will list at least 3 actions I can take to start turning things around. So if the problem is my job, it might be to arrange a meeting with a boss, or a recruitment agency. If the problem is a relationship, setting out what needs to be said. If the problem is loss of a loved one, listing out 3 things that they would have liked to see you do right now. When I was younger, I often didn’t feel like taking the actions, but did it anyway, and quickly started feeling better. These days, by the end of this process I am itching to make a start.

The good thing about this process is that it focuses on things that I can do, actions that I need to take, rather than forlornly waiting for others to do things to make me happy. The fog is still there at this stage – it doesn’t just go overnight – but having purged it means it no longer dominates everything and it soon starts to lift by taking action.

Another thing I do is list all the positive aspects of my current situation. So, when I was made redundant, I listed out all of the things that I had always wanted to do but never had the time for before. A relationship breakup? Free time and the opportunity to focus solely on myself. Loss of a loved one? The wonderful memories they gave me and how blessed I had been to know them. This isn’t to trivialise or ignore the negatives, but simply to stop the negatives becoming a snowball of despair and dominating my every waking hour.

And finally, I try to take control of those things that I can control. Getting out of bed on time, showering every day, cleaning up the house, tidying a desk drawer, exercising, cooking a meal, phoning people who are important in my life. Nobody can stop me from doing these things except me. And that brings back the feeling of being in the driving seat of my life again.

As I say, maybe this will work for you, maybe it won’t. But I hope you can take something from it.

The good thing is, you have identified how you are feeling, and that you need to do something about it. Life has hit you with a whole load of upsetting things, so you feel bad – it would be strange if you didn’t. But give yourself the opportunity to work through it – don’t beat yourself up because you can’t present a face to the world as if nothing has happened.

You have a friend who wants to do something nice for you, I’m guessing because they know what a tough time you have had recently. Acknowledge that gesture, and I’m sure they will be more than happy to adapt their idea so that it doesn’t pile even more pressure on you.

I would like to be able to tell you that you will never feel this way again, but the reality is, you will from time to time. But take comfort from the fact that, the more often you overcome it, the easier it is to know that any pain is temporary, and you will defeat it and come out stronger.