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TommyParticipant
Men instinctively want a woman who is not seeing more than one person at a time. And since she hid the fact she had a sugar daddy, whether there was sex or not, it was like a betrayal. You could not hide your disappointment by not testing her good nite. That was you rejecting her. She read your feelings. And saw that there was no way you could get over it. You having made a decision to stay with her. She rejected you. She is not going to give up someone with money and who can give her things she wants along with experiences that comes from having plenty of money. Remember her suggestion that you could sleep with other women?
To answer your question, you presented your feelings even though you do not think you did. She, having a clear mind, also made the decision to end it. Her situation is not what you are looking for and will cause more issues in the future.
You’re lucky to have met someone who gave you a chance. Now you live and love. It is time to grow.
TommyParticipant[quote quote=427339]Dear Tommy, Thank you for writing about karma, however, I am not understanding some things. When you say harm returns to others do you mean harm returns from me? Also, how is one meant to manage one’s emotions then? Sorry if these seem silly questions. Is there a book or video you can recommend? With thanks and best wishes, Rebecca[/quote]
There are no silly questions. However there may not be an answer. When harms returns to those who cause harm, it comes from their environment. It may be you. It may not be. I do not know.
How is one meant to manage one’s emotions? IDK. I feel emotions but I do not act only upon those emotions. They do make me think. Sometimes I wonder what caused it and other times I am trying to resolve those feelings. As a child, I felt many emotions. Some good and some bad. When the emotions alone made me act, the results were not good. As I grew older, I learned not to act only from emotions. I can not say how anyone else should deal with their emotions. I do know that if one holds onto anger or hate then the emotion possess a large part of one’s mind. Some call it baggage. Others call it a weight.
I am guessing that I am not a good influence on you. Causing confusion. Please let me withdraw from more confusing answers. I wish you well.
TommyParticipantYes, living in social groups, gives opportunity for others to have intentions or good or harm. But, their intentions are not your intentions. It is not you sowing nor reaping. It is theirs. When a person causes you injury, your anger and thirst for revenge becomes peaked. They sow harm and harm returns to them. That is living this life. Buddha said that life is dukkah (suffering). Some say that the life we live in now is because of our previous Karma. Whether it is or not, I do not know.
Doubt, compassion and wisdom are all about walking the eightfold path outlined by the Buddha. Although they do not use words like doubt. I use doubt as not believing, not putting the proper effort in, not having faith, not able to see the truth. Compassion and wisdom, being able to see the truth of a situation and being willing to help as one can.
Thinking of one’s life as a freshly fallen snow. Then someone walks thru our life and leaves a trail. We want our life to be back to that first fresh snow fall. But, we can not. The more we push snow into the foot prints then more we mess up the fresh snow. If we try to avoid looking at it then we hide the truth from ourselves. But, if we accept the foot prints and allow it to be then the next snow fall will brighten up the snow again. Moving past it we will see fresh snow again. If we hold onto the hurt caused by others then the more we hurt ourselves. So finding forgiveness provides a release from holding onto this hurt. It does not mean to forget. It does not mean to be as before. It means it will not have a hold on you. I do not have access to give you which will free you from this hurt and pain. No one can just give one instructions to free oneself from hurt. Only you can. I wish you well.
Note: Yes, the analogy falls apart. Just like in life, when we go down to smaller and smaller details, the laws that govern our world do not quite apply.
TommyParticipant<p style=”text-align: right;”>You are in the grips of depression. Friends and family could help if they know how you feel and they care about you. I hope you find someone who can help. The person who can light the spark in your heart so you can live a happy life. No, no one person can give you that. You have to find it in yourself to be happy. But, it sure does help to have someone on you side cheering you on.</p>
TommyParticipantSince we do not know the specifics of why these people want to assault you, we can not give advice to action to prevent more assaults. You should consider removing yourself from those situations somehow. May be even think about calling police. Get order of protection.
Karma is a big subject filled with many opinions. Many books are written about it. Who is right? IDK. My opinion (please do not hate on me for my opinion) is that what you sow is what you reap. Plant an apple tree then an apple tree will grow. It can not become an orange tree. Read somewhere if you live by the sword then you will die by the sword. Now, others think karma is an outside force that creates justice. Like, hurt someone intentionally and the universe will hurt you back. For me, there is no agency to dispense justice. Justice is a human idea. For me, karma is wrapping your essence around others. If you are kind then kindness returns to you. If you are cruel then cruelty will be returned to you. What you sow is what you reap.
Donating money does not remove karma. Clearing karma (true karma, in my opinion) requires one to remove doubts and live the life of compassion and wisdom. Living in this way will bring you mental peace. Compassion is not just empathy. And wisdom is not just knowing stuff.
Your obligation of forgiveness? Your obligation is to try to let the hate or any emotions associated with these assaults … let them go. Sometimes it requires us to forgive so we can move forward and away from these ties. This is not an easy task.
I hope you take appropriate action to protect yourself from harm. And that you can find a happier future.
TommyParticipantWhen a loving relationship has gone, it become like dying. What are the stages? There is denial. Cannot believe this is happening. Then one gets angry. She hurt me. She was cruel. I hate her. No. Then, bargaining. One bargains for return to the relationship. What could have been done to avoid this. Next is the depression. Feelings of sadness. And thinking how good thing were and how bad they are now. Finally, after much time has passed, comes acceptance (sort of).
It is a tough road ahead. As time passes, you will spend less and less time thinking about her. Less time having feelings for her. Eventually, you will be more focused upon the present.
Buddhist meditate. Release anger, hate, revenge, desires, wants. Feelings are let go. We do not forget the past. We live in the present. To know where we are now, we must understand the past. To move forward into the future then we must live in the now and plan for the future. I know it is not an easy thing to do when the wound is fresh. Just try not to think about the past so much and focus upon the present. As you practice, it will become easier.
TommyParticipantLove is a beautiful thing. Having had a first love then you know it cuts the deepest. The second love is wonderful. But, you have this feeling of possibly being alone again. So, you go forward cautiously. Nagging doubts. Conflicting feelings and thoughts that follows those feelings. It would have been wonderful to meet the right person the first time. But, nothing is perfect.
Why can’t you talk honestly about your feelings and get honest response from your partner in this merry-go-round? It is good to be able to feel love. But better to share it. You might need to let him know you were hurt before and need this to be real. You gotta be able to talk.
About the boy 1, he is the past. Be friendly but don’t be friends. Let him go and continue with your life. You might need closure but it will never be enough to mend your heart.
January 18, 2024 at 10:02 pm in reply to: Seeking for suggestion dealing with the situation I’m in #427091TommyParticipantYou allude to how others have harmed you but there are no details. Hiding the truth of the situation. When a woman does see work, she knows it is wrong. She won’t show it to her parents. She knows and she hides it. As you know what was done and you hide it. Platos cave?
You want freedom from this obstruction? You find forgiveness. Yes, forgive. Forgive them and yourself. This doesn’t mean to just let it go. You have find the ability in yourself to forgive. Then, pain, anger, thoughts, memories will lessen. Moving forward will happen.
Why does your success mean revenge? Is that your mean you become better than others? Is that the scale upon which you judge your life?
Freedom and happiness comes from compassion and wisdom. I hope you find yours.
TommyParticipant80% of divorce is initiated by the woman. And many women say that they feel they left the marriage long before they get the divorce. Then, many also say they are not exactly happy after the divorce.
Feelings of wanting a better life is not new. Everyone wants something better. More things to do. Have that feeling of being excited and alive. Some go for it. Grass is greener. Then regret.
Life is a journey. Ever sit in a car on a long road trip? It is only when you stop that you can stretch and feel better. Sitting in the car with only your thoughts, it can make one anxious and crazy.
So, What is the answer? What are we suppose to do? Well, we can not expect some to fulfill our needs and desires. Make us happy. If you’re not happy with yourself then probably won’t happen. Make yourself happy. Do things that bring joy. Personally, I like talking to people and listening. Hope you find what you’re looking for.
TommyParticipantOften people live the experiences of life and their thoughts creates a persistence, this is taken as consciousness. It is part of this life and it will disappear with this life. The self doesn’t actually exist as in forever. When one spend time sitting in meditation, the mind drops the thoughts and is allowed to perceive in a different manner. If the mind’s eye is opened then the other shore become visible. One can see the truth of conditions and act with compassion and wisdom. The latter being harder to come by.
It begins with space between the thoughts. Then quietness. Emptiness. I come to life on the inhale and let it go on the exhale. I do not know the truth and have never seen the other shore. My teacher has long passed away. May be in the next life, I will visit the top of the mountain and come down to share my story.
TommyParticipantSounds sort of like culture of west Asians where the female children are treated worse than their male counterpart. Humiliation and insults are used to control the mind of the child. To always depend upon the parents (father). Matrimonial dowry is part of the culture. And the if the female doesn’t bring enough to satisfy the man and his family then the woman is treated even worse. I am sorry if I am wrong for what I say may hurt you.
In order to escape this constant cycle of being belittled and depending upon your father, one must free oneself from the trappings of the culture. Take your money back. Keep your wages to yourself. If asked for it then say the company is cutting back and cutting salary. That you are lucky to keep your job. I the job is too connected to your father then find a different j0b. You have to find it within yourself to see a problem and then know there is a way to conquer it. This comes from practice. You pick something and work thru it until you are on top and winning. When you have accomplished several victories, you will know when you can move away from this poisonous condition and free yourself.
I am not telling you to do anything illegal or to fight. Just to take control of your life. Find it in yourself to be the courage you need to move forward. Otherwise find a way to be happy living in the same situation. I do not know where in the world you live. So, I do not know if there is help for you. May be government help? Or community help? I wish you the best. Good luck.
TommyParticipantI wish I had words to lift the heart break and to bring sense to this situation. Unfortunately, my words would only be harsh. Since, I can only see time spent apart. Trust was broken and love was dashed. Feeling do not just change but conditions do. Sorry, it is time to move on and heal.
TommyParticipantThe self that we see as ourselves is manifest of the body. This aggregate of chemicals and electrical impulses produces this self that we believe that we are. This consciousness is a part of this body and is impermanent. Only here while the body is alive. Some we want to say that we are more than that. If you live in the portion of your consciousness where drinking alcohol affects you mind … Or, eating certain food affect your mood then your consciousness is connected to this body. When the body dies then this self dies. There is no self. Self is a concept cause by the persistence of living and experiencing. The effect is self. The cause is living and experiencing. The condition is the body. Cause finds the condition to produce the effect.
The realization that one does not truly exist .. is not enough. One has to find the other shore where upon one can stand to see this side of life. It is not bliss. It is not enlightenment. It is finding who we really are. What is ones face before one is born??
TommyParticipantIf told that one’s true love is with child and you have not had relations with her then what is it that makes a man stand up for the woman? Is it love? Compassion? Or wisdom?? Truth is all three. The third being the toughest to manifest.
I hear people cheering for the original poster. And the sympathy laid about for her terrible situation. Similar situations and stories are thrown about. Often, the child grows up to be just like the mother. And often that is the curse cast upon the child that they will have children of their own.
There is a way to compassionately deal with a toxic mother. It requires that one understands to one’s deepest core the truth of the situation. Understand the roles that everyone plays. To be sane and stronger than the wind being blown upon ones face. This compassion and wisdom will not show itself before this.
TommyParticipantHow to compassionately deal with a toxic mother? I am sorry you have had so much trouble with dealing with your mother. Her motives must have been to control you and stop you from become someone she would not like you to be. She pays for your rent? And you will only talk to her thru emails. She has approach dementia and you won’t talk with her. If you were to lose your memories, essentially yourself as you know it, wouldn’t you wish to have friends and family around?
So, compassion and wisdom is only applied to those we wish to apply it to? And some even wish that karma will take care of those if they are truly in the wrong? Of course no one ever makes mistakes??? Those who are without sin may cast the first stone. Mary, mother of Jesus, tried and convicted by her peers of the sins, stood there waiting for compassion. Wisdom stood in its stead.
I do not say mothers are innocent or the relationship is not toxic. But, my compassion says to not assign blame. The person across from you is on her script. She is playing her role as it was laid out to her. Wisdom lets you see the truth and act compassionately. To go beyond hurt feelings and mental scars. This is not an easy thing to do.
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