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TommyParticipant
Love is wonderful fresh and new. At 47 years old, love shouldn’t be so fresh and so new. One should have perspective due to the time passed and experience done. What is wrong with moving fast if it feels right? Do both parties feel the same? Space, take a break? Is that because of the speed you were moving or is it because it felt too needy and clingy? Or did you feel the walls of your safe house begin to shake?
I am not one who says they are on your side or try to make you feel better. You will get enough of that from any acquaintances you have who hear your story. My life is full of regret but those were my decision that I made. So, I live with it and move on. And I give up on rehashing everything and give up on regrets. I will tell you what I think from reading what you wrote. You might like being alone and feeling safe with no one to disturb your life. Or do you want someone to be there to talk to and give you other opinions? Decision is y0urs. Wishing you all the best!
TommyParticipantAnother thread on the same thing. Did you not say in another thread that he said he loved you? And anytime there was an argument that he would apologize to you first? That he did not want to lose you? That you feel like you were used? OMG, time out. You must stop going over and over this like there is nothing else in this world.
Yeah, I am sorry for your hurt feelings and feel like being used. But, it happened. NOW IS THE TIME TO MOVE ONE. If you can not stand living next to him then move. Stop all this pain. Stop trying to be the martyr. If you keep whining about him and the way yo feel then you will never get better. Suffering is all you want??? Feel deep shame and embarrassment? Love him very much? This so called love story is over. Put the love story book down and continue on with your real life.
April 8, 2024 at 2:18 am in reply to: Stuck between stay or go… advice and personal experiences needed, #430751TommyParticipantA long distance relationship has an implied commitment of marriage. Otherwise what is the point of being in this relationship? Not picking you is showing he is not ready to commit. Not ready for marriage. He doesn’t see you in the same light as you see him.
So the question is do you stay for the short term and try to have a nice time? Or, do you stop this and go your own way? That is your own choice. Can’t rely on others to tell you what to do. It only brings regret for not having done the other choice. You make your decision and live your life.
He says he doesn’t want to hurt you. That is an excuse to not make a commitment to you. You have already had enough time together to know you want him. My thoughts are to let him go. Spending more time with him won’t change his mind. And, it will only hurt you more later on. I wish you happiness.
April 7, 2024 at 6:45 pm in reply to: Feeling depressed and sad..and the wounds are still fresh #430740TommyParticipantA man normally would want a woman who has not had a lot of sexual partners. Who is available to them to talk and hold. That the woman he loves shows that she is on his side and listens to him. That she will work with him to achieve their common goals. After arguments, he always apologized. He always had to give in. After a while, this will weigh heavy on his mind. There will come a time when he feels that as long as he isn’t married to you that he should end the frustration and the fights with you. Fights do not add to the love.
A man is a visual being and a beautiful woman is always attractive to him. It doesn’t mean he will leave you for them. It does mean he was attracted to you until something snapped and he could not handle the situation with you. It would not matter if you were of his culture or if you were prettier. What matters is how you interact with this man. If you bring love and show caring in the thing you do then he’d be happy to stay in your arms. But, if you always have something to say about him or his ways then it will affect him negatively. Fights especially.
Now you are feeling the loss. It may never go away. Or you could forget about it tomorrow. It all depends on the next situation, the next boy in your life. You can not be thinking of him if there is another man in your arms. I guess what matters now is how you hold yourself up. If your thought stay on him then you will not move on. If your thoughts are about how to do the things you need to get done in your life then it will. Plant an apple seed and nurture it then an apple tree will grow.
April 7, 2024 at 6:13 pm in reply to: Should a “Cheating” Girlfriend be forgiven over a technicality? #430737TommyParticipant[quote quote=430692]Dear Tommy, I know Tommy, I have already broken up with her, I am just working on the process of moving on. Paradoxy[/quote]
So moving on means to stop thinking about her. Which means this thread is over. Stop, do not continue. Giving time to heal all wounds. Spend less and less time thinking about her or having feeling for her. Let her go. Over time, you will think less and less of her and the healing will begin.
Tommy
TommyParticipantHello Laven,
Your post was mostly about how you feel. Very little description of things that happened or were done to you to make you feel this way. So, only can say that it is a sad story and sorry you feel that way. Please tell us when and how did he make promises to marry you or promise marriage? What were the plans? What caused them to go away? Just not call you the next day after sex? Something must have happened??
Someone with little confidence sweeping you off your feet? That is a strange one. If little confidence then how did they sweep you off your feet? Practice person? I was always the sweet guy who wanted the nice girl who never wanted me. Never gave me a chance. Was looked down on .. as not being on their level. No confidence. So, how would I sweep a girl off their feet? Find a practice girl? I feel lucky that I met my wife and we got together. Never a practice girl.
I am sorry. I am a man and do not understand. Sorry, I could not help. Wishing you the best.
TommyParticipantFour noble truths of the Buddha, 1. Life is suffering, 2. The truth of suffering, 3. There is a way out of suffering, 4. The path to freedom from suffering.
Life is tough and terrible. There is so much suffering and cheating and lying and everything. A toothache is painful but the suffering is in the mind who endures the toothache longing for it to end. Everyone suffers pain and has a terrible time. But, it is those, who reach beyond the suffering to see the truth of life and the truth of Buddha nature, they live a life of love, compassion and wisdom.
There are no simple cures. And, for the Buddha, he said one is reborn. So, in time you will return in another life. And go thru similar until you have learned the lesson that is taught. Suicide is not the answer. Karma will keep you in this circle. Despair is not the answer. You may need to express your feelings and that will help for the moment. You may need to take up the practice of mindfulness, meditation. Find a teacher and sangha to learn how to break into freedom. Maybe take lessons in self-defense. Be able to feel that you take control of your life.
April 6, 2024 at 1:40 pm in reply to: Help Me Be Better, I Cheated A Few Times and Regretted It All #430686TommyParticipantPersonally, I only see a person who wants to hurt others. Cheating and then telling her about it. Some people hurt others so that they know that at one time the cheater mattered to the other person. It is like cheating death to know one is alive. It is a dumb thing to do. Sorry, I do not coddle egos. You want to be better then be better. No excuses.
April 6, 2024 at 1:29 pm in reply to: Should a “Cheating” Girlfriend be forgiven over a technicality? #430685TommyParticipantSorry ParadoxMusic, you want to separate the woman from her actions because you believe you love her. You already know she is not the one for you. It is time to move forward. Find a real woman you can love and that can love you. Hanging on to her will only break your heart more when the curtain does finally come down.
TommyParticipantWait, made a mistake there. Anita is not my wife. Just got her name in the worn place. I meant to say that on this forum, Anita is better at giving advice. My wife would be glad to give anyone advice even on topics that she knows nothing about, haha.
TommyParticipantSounds like young love. You and your partner are different people and will always have different views upon life. So, you not always get along on every aspect of your lives. Just the way life is. The best you can do is to ignore the harsh points of disagreement and focus upon that which brings you joy. I do not mean to have children. Sometimes couples believe that a baby will bring them together. It does sometimes but not always. Anyways, you seem to be stumped by your partner’s speech on how you did not focus on the correct thing, his feelings on his first day. Tell him that you were trying to fix the rift between you two and he is just focused upon himself without regard to you. While you are actually focused on both of you at the same time. He says you are ignoring his feelings but, it seems to you that he is ignoring yours.
When fighting, it takes time to gather the thoughts together to be able to verbalize the feelings. Tension builds up. Tension is fine as long as you remember that you want to be together. So behave as there is no tension until you have the proper place and time to talk it out. No one wins if only one person wins an argument in a relationship. Oh, if you live together then there is no asking for space. You give time for thinking but never give up space. Space isolates and makes one feel alone. Being in each other’s face or holding each other is better. Just do not have to talk. Later, just talk. No yelling.
Of course, I am no expert. I have made plenty of mistakes, just ask my wife. Anita does better at advice.
April 6, 2024 at 12:39 pm in reply to: Should a “Cheating” Girlfriend be forgiven over a technicality? #430676TommyParticipantTo me, the indication of love and hate can be seen in your first post to ask whether or not to forgive her. You may not wish to declare the love and hate strongly but the length of your first post shows a deeper emotional connection. You have been given advice to leave her alone as you can not change her. She will not be a better person for you. You will only entangle yourself in something far too complicated for your emotions to handle. But, it is your choice.
TommyParticipantIt is sad to say, that when a person wants a pause, it means she doesn’t want you. Does it matter if you were going too fast? Yes, it does. Couples like it better when things go as if both wanted the same thing at the same time. Not always possible. Anyway, she doesn’t see it the same way. You appear to be needy and clingy to her. So, anybody who feels smothered wants space. But, space means losing the other person. A strain is put upon the relationship.
If you walk around and think of her all day, if you just feel the want to hear her voice, if you crave being near her, if you miss her kisses, …. you got it bad. And it will only make it worse. How do you get yourself into a better situation? Just drop her. If she wants you then she will call. If not then you need to have moved on. Find a good hobby? Find another love? Learn the art of starting a conversation with strangers. Know your worth. Do something to keep your mind off her. Then soon it will become less and less. Become a better person.
I know it sounds harsh. But, you must understand that you only get a first impression once. You made yourself look clingy and needy. She will always see you as someone below her level. Not confident and not the man who knows their worth. Better yourself so the next woman will know you are worthy of her caring. Give up on her. If she does call then you will be ready. If she doesn’t call then you will be ready. I am sorry for my poor advice.
TommyParticipantIt is sad to hear another relationship has gone awry. As helcat said, this kind of behavior seems normal in today’s social climate. It is a way for couples to be more intimate. But, you have your preferences. Nothing wrong with that. You two are just not compatible. You have made your decision based on knowing you two will not be right for each other. You just need to stick to it. Separation is difficult for anyone. More so if there was felt a connection by one of the two. Give it time. Just stop responding. It sounds cruel. But it is more cruel to continue this way.
TommyParticipantHappy Easter, …
When sitting in meditation, a thought arises and the mind tends to follow the thought until one becomes aware of the thought and the attention has moved and person is centered again. It is the same with any thoughts. One has a thought and the mind follows and builds upon the thought. It becomes real and carries a momentum of its own. It is followed by supporting thoughts and colored by the memories of the past. Voices become familiar to the point of being someone’s voice from the past. If coupled with depression then the results can often be not what anyone really wants to happen.
There are plenty of suggestions of what to do and how to do it. Become a better person with a solid reasoning mind. ETC. I have none of that. I can only see how it begins and how it grows. The thoughts and the feelings build a wall of anguish and isolation and depression will only add to the trend of spiraling down. Bringing the thoughts forward and following them is what gives them power. Possibly, if like meditation that one becomes aware of the thought and drops them, lets them go away and re-focus attention to the present (re-centers oneself) then the mind can becomes free of the pattern.
Whether it is nicotine or opioids or other drugs, addiction is similar. The thoughts and urges have a mind of their own. They begin to control actions and make good decision making more difficult. It is so easy to give in and follow those thoughts that lead to losing, loss. Really hard to decide and follow thru.
Sorry, lost my train of thought. It must be a senior moment. Excuse me.
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