Just thinking to myself, so do not read if you do not want to.

When is it ever good news to hear a couple has separated for a period of time? Never is the answer. Being in a relationship means to be committed to each other. Good times, hard times and so on. When asked if you still like me, the answer should come easily. When there is silence then … Is the person bored and want something new? Why did this relationship turn into something disposable? It makes no sense to me. If you move in together then there must have been some sort of love and not just lust? Maybe some people do not understand that living together means much work to handle another’s sh!t. You find out how much you love your parents when they become old and you have to take care of them. It is a burden. But, one that we know we must get thru. So, living with your partner should mean taking the sh!t and working thru it together not separate. People who want to be separate are those looking for someone else or something else. If one is not happy with themselves then they won’t be happy with anyone. They will constantly look for the side with greener grass.

In hetero marriages, women are about 80% to initiate divorce proceedings. They say the marriage was over long before the divorce. Hitting the man with divorce from out of nowhere. And, the divorce women will often find it that much easier to marry and divorce again. So, as soon as they are bored or become unhappy, out comes the legal proceedings to split. I do not know if this is true but is what I have heard.

I am guessing that it is harder to find a person who has values which correspond with yours. No contact? Meaning do whatever you want to do without guilt or any sense of loyalty? No reporting? No caring. No sharing. Wow, how this must hurt. Like being left at the altar. Thinking one is in a real relationship and then having the rug pulled out from under one’s feet. Let down hard. All one wants to do is to hear her voice again. Hold her, Kiss her, look into her eyes and feel safe. But, it is out of reach.

Sorry for my rant. I wish you well and hope the next relationship is better.

The heart sutra sounds like when one experiences the truth of one’s nature. One moves from living in the identity of this person to a point of view outside but a part of this life. Break thru the five skandhas. This identity is brought to life thru thoughts and constant renewing of the present experience. What one believes what one is comes from all the thoughts one has had. This includes memories. When one breaks thru this identity and can experience life from another point, The mind opens and understanding of this world comes rushing in. And as one practices more and more, one begins to live from that point. The results from living at that place, comes wisdom and compassion. There really is nothing special. Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. The only thing that arises from enlightenment is the wisdom and compassion one receives from living from another point.

As a person who has looked at Dementia and some of its ramifications, memory is important to one’s identity. Losing memory, one loses where one comes from. Loses friends and family even while they stand next to them. Memories are great when they allow us the freedom to be who or what we want to be. But, they also hinder us if they are where we retreat to all the time.

A blank white canvas indeed. $10,000 dollars? Not just for a blank white canvas but for the art that the artist provided in his presentation. Art is not just an object. It is the beauty the artist presents to its viewers. It makes us think and experience things differently than we did before. Red canvas is no longer blank cause it is red. A different way to look at life.

You catch more bees with honey. My meaning is that you need to give her a reward system. Something that she wants. Maybe affection, kisses for each time she loses weight or even tries. Get her thinking about other things than food. Schedule time to do thing near diner time. Do the thing and come back to food later. Have sex instead of diner. Have her be the more active partner.

If you choose to punish her by living separate lives then she will have no incentive to loose weight. You have to be the positive one. The leader, the man of the house. Exercise at this moment may be difficult for her. So go for walks. Make it romantic. Give flowers not chocolates. Reward her for making the effort. A kiss, holding hands, a nice word something to make her feel good about her efforts.

I have said this many times. Make the change and the marriage will change. It starts with you. Look at the man in the mirror.

It is not good to have blinders on. Cause it limits the scope of what you see. Helcat and Anita are a couple of very nicest people you will ever meet. They see what I saw in your posts. You may have not wanted to present it that way but the truth came out. Still, even if a driver cuts one off, we do not go after them. And if they are found in a ditch or rolled over, we do not abandon them without first trying to help. That is the humanity inside of us. Some people lose contact with that part of themselves. I hope you can reflect and learn to be a better man. Have a nice life. Good luck in your future.

Well, being dishonest and self centered did get you into this situation. Lying and manipulation ended hurting someone and you only think about how you feel and how you hurt. Only men have a way of compartmentalizing parts of their lives to suit the way they feel at the moment.

For example, a man cheats on his wife with another woman. Then goes to his wife to confess. Does the confession make his wife feel better? No, it only makes him feel better. Then the excuses comes. “She didn’t mean anything”. Well, if she didn’t mean anything then why did you throw away the marriage for her? Where are the values placed?

So, instead of working with your wife and priest to work on your marriage, you strike out on a dating app and meet another woman. Lie about your marriage. Fool her. And then, you don’t know why this relationship went this way? Seriously, you knew what you were doing. Knew it was wrong. But did it anyway.

As a man, living inside a marriage. I know how tough it can be to live as last in line. Putting my wife and child first. Being happy or not isn’t the reason to stay or go. It is about being the man. Living up to my responsibilities, duties. If you are not happy in your marriage then change. If you change then your marriage will change. If you need to do the divorce then do it.

I am sorry that I have no sympathy for you. You are suffering due to your own actions and your own choices. Looks like I have lost my compassion. I can not give you a kind word. Seems I will have to spend more time working on myself. To find a way to open my heart to people who cheat and lie.

Just voicing my opinion, …

I think it selfish to say that the person one is with is not the way you want her to be. Of course there is nothing wrong in wanting thing the way you want them to be. Just that it is selfish. Whenever I got involved with a girl, there was physical attraction. But, there was a little more to it. And even if the person isn’t exactly physically the way you want them to be, The love and enjoyment of being together should be enough. If it isn’t then you should not be with that person. You will only being wanting something else. That won’t be good for you or her.

Next is that physical attraction is not the only thing you want. Being a man you want a woman who will be there for you. Help you in your efforts. Be a partner to your life. Loyalty. Trust worthy. Compassionate. Loving. Supportive. That doesn’t always comes in a seductive package. And these qualities are much more important to me.

Dear Renn,

From the male perspective, money is a thing which needs to be kept in mind. For it is the responsibility of the man to provide and care for the family. Can’t do that without the help of money. So, it becomes a little more important to him than it is to you. So, different values, especially if he comes from a family with some money. The one thing no one teaches us about money. When taking out a loan or using credit cards, the money should be used to buy assets. Things that pay for itself and the loan. Don’t worry if it is returning spendable income. It’s value will grow. Just make sure it pays for itself.

As for the jealousy, women are so much prettier. And men value women on a different scale. It becomes easy to see women cheat. Statistically, women initiate divorce about 80% of the time. And most women say that they were done with the marriage months before it actually ended. Men have no notion of this until the divorce papers are handed to them. Marriage? Yeah, a little ahead of myself.

Jealousy is the fear the man is not good enough for the woman that the woman will leave them. It doesn’t make it right. Just the way some men are. They do not feel worthy enough. So there is fear the woman will leave him. It is ingrained in the way family was raised. I personally do not have this cause I grew up in a family that had no secrets nor any cheating. Can this be changed? The more beautiful you are .. the harder it is to convince him there is no chance of it. Cause other men will hit on you. And, then the possibility of you cheating,…. Stupid? Yes, men are stupid. Emotionally stunted.

It isn’t so much about love as it is about communication. If it is easy to talk and get through to each other then the better the relationship will be. If you can’t talk then feelings of love won’t make the relationship good. It only hides the turmoil that is about to come. To answer the question if you are compatible with your boyfriend, you will find many men are similar to your boyfriend. The chances that he will change is slim to none. Jealousy doesn’t just disappear. And you do not know how to handle that. You do not seem to know how to teach him that jealousy is hurting you cause you feel he does not trust you. And a relationship without trust can not survive. I wish you well and good luck in the future. No matter what you decide to do, I hope it works out for the best.

Tommy

Hello Helcat,

Am I lacking compassion? No. Am I beating myself up? No. But, I have seen myself reacting to her post instead of acting upon her post. My intent was to make her look at herself and her situation. To have her pull herself out of this self-pity. But, I do not have the ability to gauge her readiness for this. And so, I need to work on myself. To learn to cut thru to the truth of situations. You and Anita are better suited to help people who come here for a therapeutic word. Wishing you, two, the best.

Tommy