Hi Anita,

Yes, as a country we haven’t seen any change to the cases yet, but yesterday, the total number of cases reported in a day did go down in my city (if you figure the city out, please don’t mention it, to protect my anonymity :D). We are looking at help from other countries. It’s all just numbers when you watch the news. But when the numbers turn to names, it is very scary.

Well, there are certain techniques I have tried with her, which have somewhat worked. Like I said, showing her how she affects me, pointing out when she scolds me, etc. Compared to earlier, it is loads better. So I’m gonna just hope this is maintained.

What other affirmations can I try? To work on my core belief? My self-esteem?

I have certain other problems, which I probably will talk about on a different thread. I still don’t have the confidence to talk about it. It’s hard for me. But when I do, I will post about it.

Thanks…

Take care…

Hi Anita,

The government has now imposed stricter lockdowns. So we aren’t allowed to go out much, and this has helped to some extent; the cases are coming down. Though we are nowhere out of danger. We have help coming in from several other countries with oxygen. The vaccine isn’t available for my age group yet, but I do plan to get it as soon as it is. I have read so many posts on social media where people are spreading misinformation about vaccines as well as masks, with no scientific logic backing their arguments. It is so infuriating. My mother and I both are people of science, and there is no way we pay heed to such nonsense. Maa is already vaccinated, and I will too.

Well, when I try scolding my maa the way she scolds me, we end up in yelling match. 😀 It’s not enjoyable, and I end up feeling real bad about it, even though I can’t help it most of the times.

I have seen the hurt on a child’s face when he’s scolded. And I understand your point. I just dont know how to integrate it into my system. Do I keep affirming it to myself?

Hope you stay safe…

Hi Anita,

It’s been such a long time since I last wrote here. I am so touched by your concern and am really grateful for it. I hope you are safe and healthy, wherever you are. Where I am, the pandemic has taken a turn for the worse, and it is really scary to be honest. I hope it passes soon, and there is not a too much damage, although it seems like a lot to ask for at the moment. However, mom and I are safe (touch wood), and we continue to take as many precautions as we can.

Anita, I apologize for not writing sooner despite having read your reply in my email as soon as you’d sent it. The thing is that I had promised myself that I will write to you after I take some concrete action regarding my health. I don’t really like it when people whine about situations in life without taking any action that is within their scope to improve the situation. Myself was not exempt from this, so I made a deal with myself that I would reply once I had seen the new doctor. Sort of like a reward.

Before you read further, I’d like to involve you in a little quirk of mine (even though there’s no way I can know if you actually did it, I’m gonna assume you did). I’d like if you kept your hand on anything wooden while you read the next few paras.

So, I did see the new doctor and have been undergoing treatment since a few weeks now. We did a few tests, and except for a few deficiencies, everything is normal. I have been feeling better, thanks to the medicines. I hope I don’t jinx this. I’m being treated for the deficiencies as well. You mentioned gut motility issues. I’m being treated for the same. I haven’t spoken to my doctor about the bacterial overgrowth yet, so I will let you know when I do.

Apart from my medicines, I have taken another step to relax myself: chanting. I am not a religious person, and I do not really believe that if you chant this  mantra or that mantra, good fortune, health and wealth will come your way (absolutely no offence intended to anyone’s faith; I completely respect people’s beliefs). But I do believe in the effects of meditation on your brain. I can’t really “meditate” without my attention wandering, so I decided to give chanting a try. It keeps my attention in one place, on the words. So far, it has been helpful to some extent. It calms me.

I read what you wrote about the retaliation of the victim and strength coming into play when it comes to abuse, and I agree. What I have started doing with maa is honesty. For example, the other day, she yelled at me because she was stressed out. And I conveyed to her that I am not going to bear the brunt of her anxiety. She needs to find a healthy way of coping with her stress, and I am not okay with her yelling at me just because she is stressed out, especially when I have nothing to do with whatever is bothering her. I keep reminding her that I am my own person and will not be listening to her if I am not okay with whatever she tells me to do. This has helped to a certain extent, and she realizes when she’s at fault. We fight a fair bit, which I think is inevitable, but I feel better when I have told her my truth. I am trying not to yell at her though, simply because I do not like it.

I agree with what you said about her own childhood too, and I feel sorry for her, thinking that whatever she went through must have been terrible. It must be horrible inside her head. I feel grateful that I was able to recognize these unhealthy patterns of yelling at and controlling your kid, and I hope to break it. I even told her that I simply do not agree with the parenting techniques her family follows: it is illogical and hampers growth in many ways. Sometimes, being so honest makes me feel like a monster, but I’d rather not lie and be okay with things anymore. I feel proud of myself for recognizing unhelpful, outmoded and unhealthy patterns and for being willing to change those. My family thinks I’m too “modern” and “liberal”. Well, I wish more people were. Is that saying too much?

Regarding what you said about the guilty core belief. How does that really work? I genuinely am feeling guilty majority of the times, which I think contributes to my anxiety. I’m scolding myself mentally all the time, and I can’t seem to stop. Can we speak more about this? How do I change this core belief?

About the body dysmorphia, to answer your question, no, I never really overate or used laxatives. I was on anti-depressants a few years ago, which made me gain weight. But I was never “fat”. I lost the weight when I started working out. It has always been about the dang flat belly. Instagram makes that worse, what with “influencers” posing and flaunting their abs all the time.

I’ve been through a fair much since we last corresponded, emotionally and physically. As of now, I am just trying to be kind to myself. I realize I have really low self-esteem. I realize that my self-worth is almost negligible, and there is a fair amount of self-hatred. And I realize the self-criticizing and scolding needs to stop. It hasn’t worked for me, the scolding, and I’d like to try something else now. I am just trying to heal now. I don’t know how to go about it, and sometimes I feel I’ve been going backwards, but I guess just admitting that I need to make some changes is a start. I guess I need to speak to myself like I’d speak to a friend. I wouldn’t say half the things I say to myself to a friend.

Thanks for reading through my post again. About whatever I wrote on that other post, I did not like whatever they wrote about you, when all you’re doing is helping so many here everyday, bringing some calm and peace to people like me. Why ask a question if you don’t wanna know the answers?

I hope to hear from you soon….

Take care…

Dear Anita,

Thank you once again for replying and helping out. I’m gonna divide this response in two parts: first, my maa, and second, my IBS.

About my mother…

What I said about my mother is factually true. Growing up, I did get scolded a lot, sometimes for doing things that weren’t even wrong, eg. going out and meeting my friends or having a crush as a teen. I was always terrified of my mother and was afraid of her scolds. As a child, I obviously thought I was a naughty/bad kid and caused her anxiety and trouble. For eg, I went out with my friends and got home late. If I hadn’t, she wouldn’t have gotten anxious and mad at me. But as I grew older, I realized that I am not doing anything wrong or unusual by meeting my friends. That her anxiety is hers and I am not doing anything I shouldn’t be doing. People my age have crushes and go out and have fun with friends. This is just one example. She seemed to be mad at me for something or the other. She gave me a hard time for even doing productive things such as becoming a professional state-level dancer and teaching dancing. After getting mad at me, she would give me the cold treatment, not talking to me for days on end and acting like I don’t exist or as if I have done her a terrible wrong. I also realized I was her emotional punchbag: She would return from work after having a bad day and immediately start scolding me for something as silly as my bag being on the couch; after she had vented, she would calm down and there would be a massive change in her behaviour, and I realized that after she vents out she feels better. She has read my diaries and breached my privacy and trust in other ways too. Being an only child, all these behaviors were directed only at me. I had also noticed that these behaviours seemed to be reserved for me. Her behaviour towards my cousins and others was always pretty pleasant. So I would always wonder what I did wrong for her to hate me so.

My therapist had recommended that I should tell my mother all this, show her how her behaviours affect me, even record her scolding sessions and show her that this is not okay. But I was afraid of that backfiring. In the lockdown, both of us have been at home all day everyday, and I can’t help but lash out. I finally managed to tell her that her scolding me for the silliest reasons is not okay, that I have all the right to go out and do whatever I want as long as I am not doing anything dangerous or illegal, that I am not responsible for her anxiety and she should seek help if she cannot handle it, and that I have the right to live my life the way I want to and do not have to do what she wants me to do. I set some boundaries and told her I will not respond to her if she yells and that if she wants to talk to me, she will have to be respectful and calm. I told her my heart starts beating really fast when she yells and that I get anxious if she calls me time and again when I’m out with friends. Conveying all this to her has helped my relationship with her. She has atleast become aware and has been trying to change her behaviours. I do not in any way not realize that she has had a massive impact on my mental health, that I probably would not have been such an anxious person or would have had better coping mechanisms had she not been the way that she is. I realize that I was never a bad or even difficult kid (I have relatives who told me I was too stubborn). I even understand that she somehow lives her life through me: she has always wanted me to do what she wants to do; when this does not happen, she gets mad at me. I also realize that I am not responsible for her emotions. I do not know if this counts as me minimizing her abuse, but I just feel she herself must have gone through some real crap in her childhood for her to be so anxious all the time. And say she has always been like this, her siblings/parents should have pointed it out and told her it is not okay instead of just labelling it as “short temper”.

While I understand how she has affected me, being mad at her doesn’t help me or us at all. I’m all she has, and vice versa too. Even though I hate her, I love her, and I kind of not like it if someone spoke ill of her. I am protective that way, I guess. So yeah, things have been slightly better since I told her how she affects me. She has been trying to change. It is confusing, my emotions for her. Makes me laugh sometimes.

Coming to the slightly lighter topic of my IBS…

1. Yes, I agree. I need to improve my nutrition. Only, I am terrified of eating. What you said makes sense, that I should try smaller portions of problem-causing food and try. About my portion size, it is very difficult to have bigger portions because I already am so uncomfortable. But I guess I will speak to a doctor about this. Like I mentioned, I plan to get a second opinion.

2. This is some new insight for me. I was always thinking my IBS was causing constipation. Before my tummy troubles started in 2019, I used to have proper bowel movements. But this does make sense, if my constipation gets better, I may find relief from the pain and bloating as well. About red wine, I’m not a huge fan of alcohol, just having it occasionally, and it is really frowned upon in my culture, so we don’t really have any in the house, but I could sneak it in and give it a go. How much do you have and how frequently?

About putting living on hold, I try not to. I go out with friends and try to go about my business, but to be honest I find it physically exhausting even, going around with a heavy, uncomfortable belly, and it makes me anxious. Because it makes me lethargic, I sort of feel worthless. I could try and not pay attention to it though, like you said. Treat it like an attention-seeking child: he’ll stop crying when he realizes I’m not giving him any more attention.

I had a question. I was reading up on the Internet about connections between eating disorders and body dysmorphic disorders and IBS. I have always been very conscious of my belly. I have never had a completely flat and toned belly, always sucking it in. When I look at pictures of other girls/women, the first thing I notice is if their belly is flat. I’ve never been formally diagnosed with BDD, but do you think I could have it? Do you think this has something to do with my IBS?

Good Lord that was a long post… Thanks for putting time in reading it…

Stay safe and well…

Hi Anita,

It is great to hear from you. I’m really grateful for all the effort you put into replying to my post. It is very touching that you should do that for a person you don’t even know. Restores my faith in humanity. I hope you are safe and well.

I forgot to mention this but at the end of December 2017 was the first time I faced issues with my tummy. I ate some pasta my friend made (which had a lot of milk, mayo, cheese, and different ready-made sauces), and my tummy got all rumbly and painful and bloated. This was the start. I would get bloated and was in pain time and again, and I suspected I had become lactose intolerant. I started working out (power yoga and zumba) in January 2018. I’d go to the GP whenever I’d have an attack, who’d give me some meds that would settle my belly down and I would feel better for a couple of weeks. Then, it would happen again. I had to stop wearing jeans because of the discomfort. I was then referred to the gastroenterologist, who then gave me mebeverine for a month and said I should continue with my workouts. He didn’t say what was wrong with me then. I stopped dairy completely along with it, and was absolutely fine in a month.

The doc said I have little amounts of milk, which I do when I drink chai. I avoid vegetarian mayo and raw milk, which I know give me issues.

Then when the trouble started in 2019, the doc said I have functional dyspepsia, visceral hypersensitivity, and then IBS-C. What you said about the sensitivity of the neurons going up a few notches makes sense. I get startled easily and am very uncomfortable with loud sounds, especially those of vessels banging, doors slamming shut, and loud voices. While this makes sense, the thing is, if my belly gave me trouble say a couple days a month or say a once every while, I would be able to deal with it much better. But it is there “ALL THE TIME”. I haven’t had relief in a year and half. Because I’m not sure what will or will not give me trouble, I am terrified of eating at all. I have cut out certain foods, but it is affecting my health. I’m vegetarian. I have lost a lot of weight and am rather skinny now and my hair has become thin and sparse too. I eat smaller portions or food because I get full real fast and my belly already is so heavy.

My IBS is what makes me the most anxious, just like you said. It is a loop. It is affecting me psychologically. My self-esteem and confidence is on an all time low, with me constantly thinking “No, I can’t do this. My belly is too heavy.” for even simple chores like doing the laundry. This gets me very depressed, as I mentioned earlier, I used to be a very active person, getting things done. I love cooking and baking, but I don’t do it much now because of the discomfort. I keep thinking I can’t do anything. It has made me sluggish and lazy, and even simple tasks seem mean feats for me. I wonder how I will ever survive, let alone thrive, in my life if I can’t even take care of myself and just want to lie down. I am unable to concentrate and it is affecting my work; even though I manage my work, I don’t do it as well as I used to and am afraid I’ll be fired. I wanna change jobs now, but this whole thought loop starts again. I am afraid of wearing whatever I want for the fear of getting bloated. I already have poor body image issues, especially when it comes to my belly, and looking pregnant and feeling heavy does not help that.

When it comes to my mother, yes we have a toxic relationship. One of us is yelling at the other one some or the other time, and I may just be as guilty of psychologically abusing her. I hate yelling at her. I just hate it. But I can’t help it; she makes me so mad. She does things she knows infuriate me, even when I tell her not to do it. I know I should manage my anger better, but I simply can’t help it. In the lockdown, I managed to convey to her how she affects me in a negative way. It has helped a bit and she now realizes that some of her behaviours towards me are not healthy. That’s a start I guess.

For now, it helps when I sleep on my back or belly. I do certain yoga poses that help. I drink a fair amount of peppermint tea, which helps a bit. About your advice as to relaxing myself, I can’t seem to. I really don’t know how except for exercising. My psychiatrist had told me years ago to incorporate things I like to do in my schedule. Maybe I could try that. It’s just… overwhelming, and like I said earlier, I do not look forward to life and wonder if life only means every day to be full of discomfort and pain and self-doubt. I’m not going to hurt myself, so don’t worry. But it’s just… I did not sign up for so much pain. It is difficult for me to manage my anxiety and manage all the pain and discomfort. It takes super-human strength to deal with everything together and I am simply too tired.

I reckon I should speak with another doctor, get a second opinion. Maybe they could provide some different treatment that could help me. About moving out, it doesn’t seem like a doable thing right now. What would I tell mom? How would I manage? Like I mentioned earlier, I am barely managing my chores. Biggest thing, I can’t afford it till I can change jobs and earn better…

I look forward to hearing from you again. Your words always bring me peace.

Stay safe…

Hi Anita,

I await the rest of your response.

Another thing I have noticed about my mom is that she talks in a depressive manner many times. For eg, I’d say, “What are you watching on TV?” and she’d say, “Something. I just want to pass time till it’s bedtime. So it doesn’t matter.” Or today, she said she always had to visit Nepal. I said well we could visit it. She said no I don’t feel like it now. Life is over. Or I asked something about her work, and she said, “Doesn’t matter. I don’t have any aspirations now at this age. Just need money to survive”.

I feel really guilty and bad when she says that too.

Waiting for your response…

Update…

Hours after her first cry session, she cried again. I asked her what she was afraid of so much. She said, “regarding your marriage. You can’t keep dating and all. You have done that till now (Reminder: i dated someone for 8 years and thought was gonna marry him until he dumped me). Now it’s time to be serious.” I said, “all I’m asking is you be patient. It will happen in good time.” But she cried again, saying that she gets scared, and when she gets scared, she remembers all her past (she has struggled significantly, lost her sister to suicide, emotionally and verbally abused by her mother-in-law, that’s all I am aware of). She says this and I’m stumped. I don’t know what to say to that.

In the afternoon, she said she needs to cry and get it all out in front of me because I am all she has.

I feel terrible, but I don’t know how to help her. She makes me feel like a monster.