Todzilla,

I consider meditation to be the best framework for working with stress, as breathing alongside our thoughts and feelings has a way of letting the moot remain moot. However, I can try to repaint it in a way that may help with your focus, intentions, and help you find answers to “what do I wish to do with my relationship? My time with her?”

For a different framework for your relationship, consider that you two are perhaps matched up perfectly in a good way. You don’t get coddled, are sort of left to battle/work with your own negative emotions. It would be different if she were the source of your stress, or negligent in times where death and disease were weighing on you. However, she’s not that. It sounds more like she doesn’t like you randomly pooping in her face. That’s not good or bad, it just is how she is.

Consider a different approach. Every time you two connect, there is a nearly infinite potential of what could happen. Her heart to yours, and yours to her, opens up a rich fertility of reality. Much like a garden, where almost anything can become planted. Instead of trying to “express what I am” into the garden, such as “well, I’m angry, so I have an urge to speak about angry topics” consider “surrendering into the glow”, such as “I’m angry, but can surrender again into the warmth of our connection, and come home.”

Like a king might come back to his castle, and rather than recounting tales of battles won and lost, kingdom defended, dragons met on the field… he takes off his armor, sets down the daily battle, and relaxes in the comfort of the queen’s embrace. Perhaps her tender heart has no stomach for blood and gore, doesn’t wish to hear how heads were chopped off, how guts spilled from bellies. Can you really resent her for that? Its not from weakness that her stomach turns, its because the stories are stomach turning. Where else would the visceral revulsion/stress be coming from?

From a different direction, consider that your anger and other discursive emotions and thoughts aren’t inherent. You don’t have to get angry, its actually some kind of ego-clinging, some frame of interpretation that makes other people’s actions appear in your head as “all about you”, pushing your body into fight or flight mode, battle mode, and aggression pushes you to “stay with that moment”, “take it into the core”. Meditation deconstructs the triggers, so you can do something different, rather than taking it deep into your viscera. However, this takes time and noble effort, conscious choosing to turn away from habitual aggression.

And there rests your queen, who doesn’t do well with your aggression, excusing herself. What a blessing! What a helpful indicator that you’re mindlessly pooping into your garden! Rehashing, dumping, reliving. Instead of planting, weeding, fertilizing. Consider a different approach. If you’ve had a stressful day, consider bringing her some flowers, finding a card that sings to your heart, or writing her a love poem. Instead of trying to bring the experiences of battle to the home, show appreciation for the difference between the outside world and the special fertile garden of romance and wonder that grows between you two. Outside the gates of your castle, perhaps some days it becomes dark and stormy. That happens, the world has a way of giving us weather we don’t expect. But, inside the castle, let it be warm and juicy, which naturally happens when both of you are given space to blossom. Said differently, consider her heart a tender jewel to polish, appreciate, hold dearly… rather than a squire that should be made to help you take off your armor.

With warmth,
Matt

Sarah Jane,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can empathize with the feeling of isolation that sickness can produce. We must be strong! says our mind, “Never surrender!” And yet, we feel crappy, and the world goes on around us, like we harbor a dark secret that makes everything else tasteless. Don’t despair, dear sister, there is always a path to joy. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Sis, some cancers are in the body, and some are in the mind. The heart of the mind entanglement, seems to me, to be the way you feel ashamed of your sickness. Feeling bad you need help, need comfort and loving attention. Feeling like you “shouldn’t be” what you are, “shouldn’t be in need”, “shouldn’t be a burden”, “shouldn’t make others worry”,”shouldn’t be depressed”. On and on, these false, garbage-y thoughts punch and punch at you, keeping that wall up, that distance between yourself and others.

Surrendering to the help of others, including divine light, isn’t about giving up, throwing in the towel. You can’t do it alone, no one can. Not “you’re not strong enough to do it alone”, but rather “you can’t be disconnected from the the web of love and light around you”. Said differently, you’re never alone, dear sister, and its OK to let go, open up, and surrender to the caring attention of those that love you, and especially to your own tender self care. This isn’t weakness, isn’t a burden. Getting rest when we are tired isn’t running away, its wisely doing what feels best, what feels right.

To me, the sickness and difficulties of our bodies and loved ones brings with it the gift of love and connection, as our hearts are inspired to help and attend. Like a thorn carried by the sick that helps bring everyone’s hearts around us “online”. Its OK to need to be the little spoon, in other words, because it gives a chance for others to mature their “big spoon-iness”, their ability to flow with their own heartlight’s tender grace. When we relax, accept where we really are (As Inky kindly trumpeted) and reach out for help beyond ourselves, we can find our own tenderness and heartlight rekindle, and our energy starts flowing again.

Finally, even when you’re not in the same emotional place as another, you can choose to join them, see what they see. Like out to dinner with a loved one, perhaps you’re feeling crappy and they are smiling. Don’t try to smile so you stop your crappy feeling from disrupting their happiness. Rather, try to breathe, set down the crappy feeling for a moment, and try to see why they are smiling. What is it about what they’re seeing that brings them happiness? Sometimes even a small spark, in such moments, can grow into a lasting happiness.

Namaste, sister, may generous white light find its way to your open heart.

With warmth,
Matt

Yoda,

It takes time to get good responses, and most of us are usually pretty busy in our own lives too, the 4 hours with no response has little to do with you or your compass.

I’m sorry for your pain, brother, and can understand the difficulty in staying “on our side of the street”, such as taking responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings and emotions. On one hand, the “whole ex situation” stirs up lots of feelings, but on the other, her business is her business. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Its normal, and natural to be a mix of angry and jealous when our ex starts dating again. Its fine to think its too soon, and perhaps it is, but to “hope she gets what she deserves” really just embitters your own heart. If you can, try to just rest with the hope that she figures out her balance, finds happiness, heals whatever hurts, and so forth. This disentangles your own heart from the situation, frees you up to think about other things. Process what you need to process, go punch a bag or do some squats, go for a run, cry it out, whatever feels right. Just don’t cycle in that want for her world to be painful. Not good for ya.

About the kids… yes, its dumb to put the kids in such a position, on top of all the other difficulty they may be going through, but it is what it is. Instead of attacking at her, such as “how dare she do that!”, consider just meeting it with grace. Such as a conversation with the kids “oh, don’t worry about that. Mom was just scared I’d be hurt. But you know how much fun mom is when she’s happy? She’s looking for that. Good for her!” or whatnot. Validate her side, assure the kids that mom is beautiful, a safe home, and then let it go. Maybe go out for ice cream, or to the zoo, or whatnot. Drop the mom side and just build your own memories. In the absence of the inner fight with their mom, you can just go party with your kids (in whatever way fits your mutual interests).

Finally, what work are you doing, in terms of grieving and healing? Seeing a therapist? Joined a support group? A yoga class? Good friends you can confide in? Its OK to feel like a balloon that’s going to pop, but try to reach out (more than just to internet forums). Being strong includes having the courage to get help when we need it.

Namaste, brother, may your heart grow lighter, stronger.

With warmth,
Matt

Emily,

It doesn’t seem to me that compassion for him is missing. It seems more like your compassion for him is butting up with your need to protect your family, business, and so forth from his habits. You already see and seem to feel warmth for his side of things… and your trying to make it work for this long shows great strength of heart. Sometimes being compassionate is more about letting what is real be real, rather than trying to accept the unacceptable. To “be OK” with what is “not OK” isn’t actually compassion. Its closer to enabling.

Said differently, it sounds like you wish to be kind to him. That’s great! You saying “I get pissed when he comes to work hungover or on drugs” isn’t in conflict with your being kind to him. Its like he’s placing a thorn in your business, and it makes sense that it upsets you. Being kind in this situation, in my opinion, would be to be direct with how disruptive and unacceptable his behavior is, and letting him know if it continues, you’ll need to find a different manager.

From a different direction, consider how his behavior isn’t good for him or you. Getting drunk the night before work or using drugs before coming to work isn’t good for him. Having a manager drunk or drugged isn’t good for you. Seeing that, accepting that, is still compassionate. Not “oh, what a terrible guy” (slipping into judgment), rather “pieces that aren’t fitting” (compassion for yourself and him, space to see what’s there). Does that make sense?

Its noble of you to wish to “eat the karma”, such as trying to accept the behaviors that upset you… but they’re upsetting you for a reason. Instead of trying to avoid hurting him, consider aiming at getting him to stop the behavior, or removing him from the business. He might need a little bit of whip on his bottom, like a horse that is stuck in mud, to get him unstuck. Maybe his boss being pissed that he’s acting foolishly will push him to find better coping mechanisms for stress. Maybe getting fired will. To me, it seems like your self compassion is what is low, being loving and open enough with yourself to see what you really need, think, and feel.

With warmth,
Matt

Lost,

Perhaps the force field you’re looking for is a popcorn bucket. You have a front row seat to quite a show! Don’t let her scrambling and scratching become personal, define you… she’s far to absorbed in her own mess to see you at all. So, obviously her judgment will be wildly inaccurate. Let it slide on by, enjoy the show, munch some popcorn. What narcissistic personality trait will reveal itself next? I’m on the edge of my seat!

Or, perhaps bail. Don’t let the allure of “security” undermine the happiness of your life. You could find a different job, different career, even, if it meant you don’t have to be sprayed with toxin every day. Life doesn’t need to be an endurance trial, and if you’re miserable a lot, you’re doing it wrong. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

CM,

Wow, truly wonderful. You really open up, pour out your feelings, all the pain and hurt. Great work! Now that its out, consider getting closure by burning the letter. Print it out, crumple it up into a fireproof bowl, cover it in oil, and offer it up to the universe for healing “May the words be carried to the heart of the cosmic mother, and may all of us connected to these feelings find freedom, healing”.

Its normal to have old hurts come up, especially as we become more open, vulnerable to our partner. But don’t poop in her face, ya know? She doesn’t need to read that, be dragged through the muck of your old cankered pains for you to be healed. Healing comes as you let go, realize you both were idiots back then, and have grown a lot since. It makes sense to want to get it out, be free, but her heart is tender, friend.

As you burn the hurt, give it back, forgive whatever caused the old mud, its OK to keep the good things you learned. “I like this and this, don’t like that and that.” So, try to grow what you do like, erode what you don’t. If you find yourself dwelling again, write it all down again, print it out, burn it again. Consider: that’s a really pretty wedding dress she’s wearing, no need for mud to be thrown on it, just because she acted poorly years ago.

With warmth,
Matt

Yohannes,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and thanks for reaching out. It takes a lot of courage to throw your hands in the air, say “what is going on”, and try to find a path of happiness, freedom. And then to reach out to us, looking for a hand… what a great start! A few things came to heart as I read your words.

When the emotional weight of “our cost to others” becomes too heavy, we can choose to set it down. You see yourself as baggage, a burden, but that’s just not how it is. We believe in you, see your troubles, your attempts at finding your groove, and make a conscious investment. For you, and for all that will be helped by your precious light, once you do find your groove. And remember, slow maturing wines are often the most delightful. 🙂

Now, about that feeling of heaviness,of hopeless “no way out”. That’s actually your strength, all twisted inward, grabbing at all the stuff you do that you’d like to do better. The good news is it heals, as you find a bit more balance, what is weight now becomes muscle.

The path of joy is unique for each of us, custom, a dance between our situation and our heart, so any specific “go here, go there” doesn’t help as much. Consider though, try to make each moment, when you can, a helpful moment. Is there a mess? Clean it up. Someone stuck? Give them a hand. See a need, fill a need. Small things, maybe doing some laundry, some dishes. Don’t worry if you “don’t have the energy”, or feel like it means nothing. That’s false. The small things are everything, and the energy grows along the way.

As you take small steps, gentle steps, consider a simple mantra of humility. “As I do this, may I honor the investment from others, for my benefit and theirs.” Its OK to be doing it selfishly, really only because you want to feel better. It usually starts like that, no biggie. My teacher explained that selflessness grows as the self becomes content. We start doing good deeds because we want to feel better, and once we feel better, we do good deeds without any specific need, we do them “just because”. 🙂

Next, consider starting a metta meditation practice. Even though it appears that the shadow is held together “out there” somewhere, such as finances, education, independence, career, and so forth, its actually all held together in our brain, through painful mental cycles. As we practice metta, these cycles break apart, our kind intentions create a spacious and smooth mind. Thoughts go deep into the subconscious mind and we begin to feel happy feelings. Consider “bhante gunarantana guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested. Its OK to need a raft, just keep rowing, it gets better. 🙂

Finally, you seem more hopeless than suicidal, but if there is a lot of thought of ending your life, please get some professional advice. Many countries have hotlines and support groups, and they would love to help. Its normal to need a lot of help to stand up, find our balance. Check with a doctor, perhaps, find out if your chemistry is in balance. Check with a nutritionist, or a health nut, see if maybe you’re missing some vitamins. Reach out, explore, ask for help when you need it. Its OK, not a burden, we all need help from time to time.

With warmth,
Matt