Jeremy,

I’m sorry for the conditions in your life that have lead you to a state of generalized anger. I disagree here with John, that investing it in creativity is the best option. Consider picking up the book “Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames” by Thich Nhat Hanh. It is both serious wisdom and lighthearted.

Basically, there are practices we can do which will open the space around the anger and let it settle once and for all. We are angry, and then we are angry that we suffer with anger. As we develop mindfulness around the causes of our anger (which are in our perceptions of reality in the present moment, like “cloudy glasses”), we learn to set it down. Its a great read, and if you follow his direction for even a few weeks, the difference will be noticeable!

With warmth,
Matt

Linds,

I think the highest form of love is compassion, which is the warm fragrance that arises as we see deeply into another, and have total acceptance for where they are in space/time. Fast whizbang passion is more about sexual chemistry, validation, obsession and sense pleasure… which can ripen into compassion, but often fades as the newness wears off.

With warmth,
Matt

Danger danger. You found the spark, don’t let him blow it out! Kim isn’t found in his reflection, its down the path you’re walking with him in the dust. Perhaps consider yourself an addict and him the drug. One more time off the wagon won’t kill you, but it will invigorate the feeling of craving… and you paid such an high price already. Way pay it again?

With warmth,
Matt

Sapna,

One thing you could do is look back at the child sapna that was scared and feeling alone and talk to her. Give her the unconditional love from adult sapna that she was looking for.

Remember a time when you were young and put your arms around the child and tell her that you’re sorry for her pains, her fears… how mommy and daddy didn’t know how to help her but that’s OK. She’ll find peace and love in time, and you’re there for her. Imagine holding her in your arms and give her your strength and love.

With warmth,
Matt

T,

I think you did a noble thing visiting the family in a time of need, and I’m sorry for any grief you may be going through. Its sad that the ex kept getting caught up in jealousy, and its ironic that he kept telling you to let the past be past… because he seems to be the one hung up on your ex.

It is fairly unrealistic to expect that our partner will only love us. Platonic love, even for exes is healthy and noble. Its reasonable for him to not want you to say, go to dinner with your ex… but to throw a tantrum that prevents you from going to a party where he might be? That seems petty.

I wonder if his jealousy was more widespread than just you ex… did he get upset when you hung out with other friends as well? You said the relationship was always rocky, and I wonder what some of the other triggers were. Either way, I think you played it by heart, and win or lose that is the best way to play out our lives. If he couldn’t accept that in you, it was never going to work.

In terms of right and wrong, that’s a tricky one to answer truthfully because those terms are very subjective, and don’t usually help anything. Its possible that you may have been able to soothe the fire of his jealousy, and remained close to all of your friends. Its also possible that he has some antisocial personality characteristics that would require much more professional help to untangle. Typically if our partners attempt to isolate us from our friends and loved ones, its not a good sign for the longevity of the intimacy.

If I were a judge and a gavel forced into my hand, I would say he is in the wrong and you are in the right. You didn’t want to rekindle with the ex, your compassion drew you to the grandma vigil, and that is reasonable, beautiful. I think a partner who truly loved and accepted you would respect that about you, not condemn you and throw you into self-doubt. I doubt he has the clarity and stability to be posting on a message board somewhere “did I do the right thing?” Even your questioning shows maturity and well rooted wisdom. His loss!

With warmth,
Matt

Elby,

I’m sorry for the difficulty you’re having in letting go of the past. I know how puzzling it can be when we feel we have been treated unjustly. Luckily there is a solution that doesn’t require anything beyond what tools you already have!

You already know, accept and understand that healthy minds do not produce fruit like that. You’ve seen it in the kids you help, where circumstances lead them to act oddly, in ways that do not fit the situation they’re in. The difference there is that you are already prepared to not make their reactions about you. The kids meet up with some experience and respond in unexpected ways.

To me, this is what I see in her behavior. For reasons unknown (and reasons that you don’t need to know) her mind was stressed. Perhaps her brother situation filled her with stress and painful emotions. When she encountered your post, she had a cathartic release with you in the crosshairs. Said differently, her words had more to do with her stress and unskillful coping mechanisms than you. If she didn’t have that stress, she would have easily resolved her issues by picking up the phone.

From your side, for reasons perfectly understandable, you made it about you. It was public, corrosive and emotionally disturbing. The shock and fear produced stress in your mind, which compressed into anger… and as you sought your history with the woman, it only added fuel. Christmas eve, job for the son, friendship… all of those things only provided a greater sense of injustice to her actions.

However, anger is not just, it severs. Its painful in the beginning, middle and end. Buddha said it was like holding a fiery ember with the intention of throwing it at someone, but our hand is the one burned. One of my teachers told me that sometimes our anger gets so thick that we feel its justified. This he called “negative negativity” or self sustaining negative emotions, and we have to use the potency of our willpower to cut the cycle. Anger is corrosive to our own happiness, so we set down the ember.

Now, the moment is still bubbling in your mind, so it is also important to learn how to work with other’s negative blerting without taking it in. There is a story told about Buddha in this regard that has helped me on many occasions.

Once while the Blessed One stayed near Rajagaha in the Veluvana Monastery at the Squirrels’ Feeding Place, there lived at Rajagha a Brahman of the Bharadvaja clan who was later called “the Reviler.” When he learned that one of his clan had gone forth from home life and had become a monk under the recluse Gotama, he was angry and displeased. And in that mood he went to see the Blessed One, and having arrived he reviled and abused him in rude and harsh speech.

Thus being spoken to, the Blessed One said: “How is it, Brahman: do you sometimes receive visits from friends, relatives or other guests?”

“Yes, Master Gotama, I sometimes have visitors.”

“When they come, do you offer to them various kinds of foods and a place for resting?”

“Yes, I sometimes do so.”

“But if, Brahman, your visitors do not accept what you offer, to whom does it then belong?”

“Well, Master Gotama, if they do not accept it, these things remain with us.”

“It is just so in this case, Brahman: you revile us who do not revile in return, you scold us who do not scold in return, you abuse us who do not abuse in return. So we do not accept it from you and hence it remains with you, it belongs to you, Brahman…”

From: http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/piyatissa/bl068.html

In this way, we can leave their presents at the door. Whatever stress and conditions lead her to create a post like that and turn away from you is her difficulty, her karma. Yours is only to learn how not to accept that present, making her words about you… because your mind is sacred and open, and does not deserve to collapse into painful states.

With warmth,
Matt

Sapna,

I’m sorry for the continued cycles you’ve been going through, the heart is sometimes like a rollercoaster. One of my teachers described it like extreme surfing.

It sound like what you’re doing is closer to suppression than letting go. As you said, when you think painful thoughts, you try to redirect your mind with thinking loving thoughts. This is OK for little things, I guess, but for big emotionally charged thoughts it is not good. Its like painting over wallpaper, or putting sugar on rotten fruit… it doesn’t really solve the nature of the difficulty, it just tries to cover it.

Instead what we can do is look at the impermanent nature of our emotions and thoughts. For instance, you noticed guys weren’t looking at you, and your mind decided that you weren’t pretty enough for them. Then your body felt an emotion of lonesomeness, which your ex used to get rid of for you. So instead of noticing the lonesomeness, and saying “yep this is lonesomeness and will settle shortly” your mind started cycling in all the old ways it used to dissipate. Down the rabbit hole you tumbled until you lost all your good feelings and landed in a puddle of self-pity and self-loathing.

Which makes you feel like you’re at square 1, back at the bottom. This is not true… you’re on an upward spiral, because each fall brings more information, more momentum for breaking free. You really gotta stop beating yourself up for stumbling, its going to happen over and over as you heal your dependence on others to “build you back up”.

Perhaps now instead of covering up the old with new, you can continue self-nurturing and just noticing the thoughts. One of my teachers said we don’t have to wish the clouds away, they will blow away with time. The goal is to not resist or cover the thoughts or feelings… we just notice them and get some detachment from them. “Yes, here are thoughts of ex. Here are emotions of sorrow and icky.” Breathe in breathe out. It helps me to think of a can of worms that when the top comes off and the springs uncoil and they fly everywhere, we don’t try to catch them or get mad that we popped the top or that someone gave us the can… we just let them fly and keep walking, keep breathing. The emotions settle, the mind empties, the clouds clear.

With warmth,
Matt