Forum Replies Created
-
AuthorPosts
-
MattParticipantGG,
I’m sorry for the struggles and difficulties you’re experiencing, and commend you on your past successes. Healing is a steady unfolding of different emotions and thoughts, and it is usual and normal for us to rise and fall like you’re describing. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
The first and probably most important is that the process is not a fall to square one, as you noticed. Healing is an upward spiral, with each sun and moon phase increasing our wisdom. Said differently, when we are up, we see the conditions of our happiness, and when we fall, we feel the conditions of our painfulness. As we gain wisdom, we begin to shed the conditional nature and move toward unconditional.
For instance, as you rose, the fellowship process was a condition which you saw as good, proof of your development. In holding it in such a way, your happiness became interwoven with it. So as it was removed, the condition of the happiness was removed, and so there was painfulness naturally arising. Then all the thoughts and fears come back, and the joy becomes pushed out by your fear of the future, fear of being stuck, fear of failing.
It reminds me of playing the lottery. We buy a ticket, and our hope becomes invested in winning. Our mind begins to plan a future based off of the “unlimited” power and freedom. Then the numbers are called and we don’t win, and all of that energy is gone, the moments of dreaming crumble.
There is another way, however. We have the ability to generate unconditioned joyousness! When we accept the phases as just phases, that success is followed by failure is followed by success is followed by failure, we can abandon success and failure as marks of happiness. Instead, we move into the present moment. Said differently, we begin developing ourselves independently of the conditions of our life.
This is done through self nurturing and mindfulness practices. I find meditation to be the best way for me, but there are many. Self nurturing activities such as metta meditation, walking in nature, eating healthy, singing, bathing with candles and soft music, sincerely giving our time to the needs of others… all help to increase the stability to the warm feelings inside us. This gives us a natural resilience to being “swept away” by the successes and failures in life.
For mindfulness, concentration meditation is by far the best I’ve found (at least for me). Others are playing an instrument, creating art, non aggressive fast paced games. This allows us to notice and let go of the reactions our mind and body have to the situations we experience. This reduces the significance we place on each event.
Finally, the way we settle or let go of the painful experiences is by letting them pass through us. My teacher said that we don’t try to keep the wind out of our house by pushing the door closed, rather we open the back door and let it pass through. For instance, as you encounter the failure of the fellowship, it might seem normal to say “it is OK, because a success is coming soon” but that is just trying to push the failing away, making it less significant by replacing it with a future success. Instead, we can see that the fellowship is insignificant on its own. You did your best to grow a seed, and it didn’t take root. That happens in life. It has nothing to do with you, it is just the way of gardening. So we let it go and reach back into the bag of seeds (desires) and plant some more. Some may take root and blossom, some might not. As we accept that, we realize that we are the momentum, that it is the reaching into the pouch at our waist and planting more seeds that all of the real growth happens. Said differently, fellowship or not-fellowship, there you are doing your best. Depression or happiness, there you are doing your best. We keep reaching inside and jumping into new experiences, new attempts at helping the garden grow.
Which is something you’re already doing, and have been doing for a looooong time. Its OK, you’re doing fine. The sun shone and the grass grew. The moon rises and the shadows deepen. Its a process that helps our wisdom become deep and lasting, as we accept that, pain becomes wonderful information on how to become more skillful.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantJana,
I’m sorry for the pain and confusion that you’ve been suffering with, and you’re in my prayers. There is nothing wrong with being a dreamer, and you do not come across as broken. I find the internet to be a mixed blessing in terms of information exchange, because on one hand we can find all sorts of labels for who we are and how we suffer, but on the other we can “diagnose” ourselves and practically give up, just thinking “yep, this is how I am”. What nonsense! There is always a path to joy, and no heart is so convoluted that it cannot find its way with a little love and light.
When I read your words, a few things came to heart. I agree with Buddhist Wife, that with the guy in the story its probably best to just get him out of your life. But, I don’t think that you have addictive patterns, it sounds like you have codependency patterns. Consider picking up a copy of Pia Mellody’s books, they are fantastic.
The nut of the pattern of codependency is that some people don’t feel content with who they are, and don’t take time to self nurture. They look for love outside themselves, and often fall fast and hard into unhealthy relationships and ignore red flags. They also think they can “change them with the power of their dedication”.
Pia Mellody does well to explain the patterns, and how to untangle them. It may really help, not because “you need professional help” but because maybe your journey would be softer and happier if you can learn from people who have looked deeply at the driving force of the patterns and how to overcome them.
Buddha taught that we all have a fundamental ignorance about how to work with our minds and bodies to find balance. That you’ve stumbled along the path is normal, usual and unavoidable. Don’t give in to the critic (internal or external). Your beauty and passion come through in your words, and with a little tweaking here and there I’m sure your path will be much more peaceful, and full of all the love you deserve. Namaste sister, I wish you well!
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantNamaste Garrett-buddha!
MattParticipantAndre,
I recently saw a very similar pattern to this in Kim, and responded to her in the following post:
Perhaps those words will help you? If you wish, give them a read and see if they help. If not, feel free to ask more questions. We all have a unique path to joy, and all of our pains seems like ours alone, but there are similarities and solutions that transcend the individualistic nature of our “crazy patterns”. Feel free to respond here or there, I’ll keep an eye out.
Namaste.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantNick,
I am so sorry for your losses, and my prayers go out to help you with your grieving. There is a great book called “Swallowed by a Snake” that can help. http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0965464911
Grief takes time to heal, and there is a lot of emotion to process. It is very normal, usual and needed. It also sucks, a lot. My teacher once told me (when I was grieving the death of my father) that we help ourselves best by making space for ourselves. Being gentle, nurturing, reaching out to trusted friends, writing, painting, crying… letting ourselves express and emote the feelings we have onto safe canvases.
As men, we’re too often conditioned to pretend were smiling, resilient heroes… and this can lead us to suppress our feelings, where they only get bottled up and don’t heal well. Instead, we can give ourselves space to accept the big things as big, and grieve them.
Namaste, brother, I wish you well.
With warmth,
MattAugust 24, 2013 at 7:53 am in reply to: Private: Being in "More than friend and less than Love" relationship #41089MattParticipantGinny,
It seems like you aren’t getting what you want out of the relationship. If you want something more than what you have, and he doesn’t, and has made clear that what he has with you now is all you get from him, it may be time to move on. Said differently, “Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?”
If you give him what he wants, such as a sacred loving heart, sexual union, commitment… but he isn’t willing or able to give to you what you need in return, then you’re wasting your time with him. Your love is amazing! You have far too much love and passion to waste it on unrequited love.
Consider that perhaps you don’t spend enough time self nurturing. Sing, dance, go on nature walks, bathe with candles, create art… whatever you do for yourself that warms your own heart. Perhaps do those! Wanting nurturing and caring from him only seems to lead to bitter disappointments. Perhaps one of the things you could do to care for yourself is to create a strong boundary and stick to it. If he wants you and truly loves you, he’ll step to the plate and give a commitment. This hazy “more than” crap is not good for you, or him. Its either him being scared to commit, or using you for sex and warm affection. Love deserves more than that, for you, for him, and for love itself. Namaste, sister.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantKim,
I’m sorry for all the pain and confusion, this world can be topsy turvy and send us spinning. My heart goes out to you! I’m impressed at how you’re looking at it from both sides, trying to piece together what is going on and how to heal. It is so true that the heart takes time to heal, and at different rates for each of us. It makes sense to me that seeing him dating would be tough, how could he be doing that when your heart is still hurting! Didn’t the love mean anything to him?
Consider that perhaps that line of thought is a dead end. What was, was. Neither of you were able to keep the intimacy sustained, and who and why and where don’t change that. But, there is information here and now which provides the release from the painful feelings and thoughts. Said differently, when we go to the doctor with a broken bone, she tells us the bone is broken and needs to heal. Then she puts a cast on it, to keep the bone aligned while it grows whole.
In the case of a broken heart, yes it takes time to heal. The pain will hurt, the moments in time in which his dating and your loneliness and jealousy and anger and resentment and projection… those all happen to all of us. But there is a splint, a cast, that we can place around the heart so it heals well.
This is why I suggest wishing him well. It gives your heart the space it needs to heal, to become whole. Look at it this way: right now, you are letting his actions, his dating, suck the joy right out of your body. Ouch! It doesn’t do anyone any good, except bringing your attention to the break. Often, if we don’t splint the heart, we can heal lopsided or keep re-injuring the heart every time we see him.
This splint is words of loving kindness. They are spoken out loud at first as we wrestle with what to do with our pain. Then, habitually we think them as thoughts of him surface. Then, thoughts of him inspire warmth, rather than pain, because the feeling of wishing him well becomes genuine within the heart.
This is very natural and a deep insight given by the Buddha. It works. Bhante Gunaratana compiled it into a mantra. With as much sincerity as you can muster:
“May we be well, happy and peaceful. May no harm come to us. May we always meet with spiritual success. May we also have patience, courage, understanding, and determination to meet and overcome the inevitable difficulties, problems and failures in life. May we always rise above them with morality, integrity, forgiveness, compassion, mindfulness and wisdom.”
We think it is time, or another romance which will free us. Sometimes that works, but if we walk on a broken leg, it might heal crooked. So is it true of the heart. If we just turn away, ignore the tear, don’t place the seeds of unconditional love while we are alert, while the pain is fresh, then there is the potential of reliving the same pattern again. Its painful enough once! Shake free! Take control!
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantSassy,
Going hiking isn’t a marriage proposal. 🙂 If it comes up, or if he’s giving signals like he wants to do something more than you want to, perhaps that would be a good time to put up boundaries. Until then, maybe you could just relax, go hiking, see nature. Let the steps unfold, no need to push or pull at them. 🙂
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantGarrett,
http://www.wildmind.org/metta/introduction/metta-prayer
This is very close to the words attributed to the Buddha, adapted into prayer form. Consider doing this at the beginning of your meditation, instead of the end. It helps loosen and free the mind, so it develops concentration quickly. Saying it at the end as well is certainly fine, but we can think of it as filling the tank before driving. When I switched to metta before the mindfulness meditation, I noticed a dramatic increase in the stability of my practice.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantZenhen,
Thank you so much for sharing so much of your perceptions and feelings. Namaste, and I love you too, dear sister. I can relate to a lot of what you’re describing, both in trying to lose myself in fantasy and in tensing up the root area. I experienced it a little differently, though the healing looked much the same.
I really like the way you described and noticed the connections between body language and energy. I also liked the way you notice that femininity has a component of surrender, and how as abuse victims, it can be scary to surrender.
For me, something which helps me find that surrender is something my wife and I call “tickies”. It is a light touch, where our hands gently, slowly, barely touch the skin and pour across it. Think of how water pours over the skin, not pressing into it, but conforming to the curves and creases, flowing gently across the surface. My wife and I both experience a tingling vibration, almost like goosebumps which follow the hands like a comet trail. It melts tension in the mind and body to be lightly nourished and tended in such a way.
It is highly sensual, but not highly sexual. I think for me at least, it has helped me relax and surrender, because my body knows it is safe and cared for. I don’t think that the surrender aspect of feminine energy is a problem… its actually quite potent to relax and accept the yearning, the needing to be filled and moved. The problem is how the surrender has been forced in the past… before the body and mind were ready.
It reminds me of a flower. As a bud, it needs warm light, cooling water and space in order to gently open and bloom. If someone (our abusers, and ourselves since) tear into it, it doesn’t actually bloom, and petals fly everywhere. There may be fragrance, but not nearly as much beauty. Said differently, there may be orgasm, but not spiritual union.
It makes sense to me why you would dress baggy, without makeup… trying to deny, avoid and hide the sensual and beautiful body you’re in. If sensuality and sexuality brings pain, of course. However, you’re strong now! You can put a knee in the balls of an aggressor, and just because someone finds you beautiful doesn’t mean you have to open for them. You have choices now that you didn’t before, and its OK and safe for you to embrace your curves and features.
However, its also about you. If you like cute underwear, wear them. Your partner’s enjoyment plays into it, but its not about “him” but about how the feelings you feel as he looks at you combines with the way the fabrics hug, squeeze, tickle and arouse the body parts. When you look in the mirror, do the colors and shapes bring enjoyment? If you wear a skirt, does the swooshing of the fabric tingle and delight your senses? Do your eyes sparkle with pleasure to see your boyfriend allured by the contrast of skin and fabric?
We each have such a unique and beautiful path to joy that there aren’t any right answers. As we awaken our sensuality, we see its not about sex, its about the tingle. Much like tickies are about the connection and tingling warmth of being caressed, dressing and being sensual with our partner isn’t about penetration, its about mental tickies. The penetration, the opening of your body to him is actually a small part of a greater surrender. Knowing and accepting that your body inspires his… your yearning to be overcome, be filled, draws him into you, pulling, gravity… sets within him a creative fire that you swallow, capture, surround. But, in your time, at your speed, as you’re ready.
This is why I find tickies to be such a blessing. They help us attune to the tingle, the gentle warmth of intimacy. Sex increases the vibrancy of the tingle, but when the goal remains rooted in letting the tingle remain primary, the intimate connection between two hearts in love the soil, then the bodies don’t get lost in the sense pleasure. After all, orgasms are usually simple and can happen in a few minutes of focused motion. Those are nothing. Bliss arises from the blossoming of two hearts, minds and bodies joined together as one.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantRingoo,
I agree with the other kind hearted words already offered in terms of the relationship. From your side, don’t take it in as being “your issue”. Being sensitive is not a poor quality, and you are just and rational in your wanting of good boundaries (her not telling you how to be) and also to have equal space to communicate your thoughts and feelings.
It sounds like she is caught in codependent and/or narcissistic patterns, and considering the newness of the connection, it might be simpler to walk away. If she is only feeling open when she talks, then what she is really doing is trying to have a relationship with herself, and using you as a mirror unknowingly. With the addition of her being an addiction counselor, she might be unwilling to accept her mistakes because she “knows how everything works”. On the contrary, people who give advice for a living can sometimes forget or overlook the baggage they are actually bringing to a relationship… and project all of their issues onto the other.
If you can set boundaries such as “please don’t tell me what to do, I don’t like that” and “we both need time to speak our heart and mind in order for intimacy to build” and “I’m not your patient, accept me or reject me, but don’t try to change me… I’ll grow as I’m ready” then perhaps she’ll wake up and step to the plate. If you can’t, or she can’t, then it is likely that she’ll just use you as a mirror until you get fed up, or she gets bored with herself.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantAnn,
I’m sorry for the shock and pain that you’re experiencing, and i know how disorienting it can be to have trust broken. What to do next is between you and your heart, as you’re really the only one who has the information. As I read your words, a few ideas came to heart.
Your husband seems to get caught in patterns of poor decision making. His cravings lead him to abandon his promises, and that leads him into suffering. If he wants to change that to become a better person, perhaps he will… if he puts the effort into growing himself. Said differently, repentance in words is empty, as it takes action and persistence to change. Perhaps counseling, meditation, spiritual seeking… something where he is challenged to grow in a positive direction.
That being said, if his motivation is only to avoid losing you and the family, that may only last until he feels secure again. Change isn’t something we can do for others… it has to come from within. If his cheating and pot smoking are things he will repress only to keep you, then it will be much more difficult to actually shed those habits.
So, it really is up to you and what you see. Do you see a man who is only as faithful as his options? Are his other qualities valuable and loving? Are you considering staying with him because you see a good man with some difficulties that you can accept as he overcomes them? What does your gut tell you, if you dig inside yourself just below your navel, do you want him back?
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantZenhen,
Its normal not to get “into” metta at first. First we say the words aloud “may we be well, happy and peaceful.” We say it over and over and it becomes a habit. So we begin thinking those thoughts. Then the feelings arise. Its normal, natural… steps on the path of inner peace. I was like you, where the feelings didn’t arise at first, and it wasn’t until I heard that it was normal that I did it anyway, kept doing it, and slowly the feelings arose. Said differently, awareness intentionally directs the thoughts, and the thoughts direct the feelings.
If the meditation is difficult to stay with, consider reading the sutta directly, out loud:
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/kn/snp/snp.1.08.than.html
Or, here is an adaptation in the form of a prayer:
http://www.wildmind.org/metta/introduction/metta-prayer
The mind loses greed, aversion, avarice over time, and becomes peaceful, light. First through gritted teeth, then through smiles.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantZenhen,
Did you see the reply I gave a few days ago to your question? Its fine if you just don’t have anything to say about it, I just want to make sure it wasn’t overlooked because it was on a previous page. The reply mechanism on tinybuddha can sometimes be disorienting for me. 🙂
Amelie,
Yes, I have felt that connection, its loss, and its resurgence. In agree with most of what Zenhen has said about it, and only wish to add my perceptions of how to help the recovery stabilize. The more loving kindness we give to the visions in our mind, the memories of our abuse, the more the shame transmutes to humility.
The way I’ve done this is by opening up my heart to the world, intending that all people find peace, joy and wisdom. Then as that warmth fills my chest, I dive back into my memories, and see the child Matt as a character in a story. I cry for him, to see those struggles and pains he went through, with all those patterns of defense and pleasure seeking, avoidance and secrecy… as pieces that he used to try to find safety and balance. They weren’t his fault, he was just trying to be a kid, and was tossed into situations he couldn’t control or understand, and how could he. I’ve cried and cried, asked God to help me love that child, asked God to love that child, and it all collapsed into a feeling of surrender that it wasn’t me. The conditions weren’t created by me, the resulting defense mechanisms are normal, reasonable and how could I have been any different? I wouldn’t blame a child for being hurt in such a way, how could I? Then past and future collapse into now, and I realize that I have nothing to be ashamed of. I love people, and they love me. I’m worthy of connection, I’m worthy of the love people give me.
I go slow, gingerly with each memory, feeling compassion for the little kid with the sore bottom, alone and scared, wanting love but unable to connect. Looking for that connection with the abuser, which was the only connection that wasn’t shut down by the feeling of dark secrecy. Even when people would offer me their love, I would say in my mind “if only you really knew me, you wouldn’t, so how could I accept that love?”
But that’s just a burden I had on my shoulders, keeping my wings tied tight. As I feel compassion for the child Matt, the isolation melts and I realize that I was lovable the whole time… I just pushed it away because I thought I wasn’t. Not only was I lovable, but there have been angels around me my entire life trying to help me see it, trying to help me open to divine, unconditional love. Its in our hearts, and as it opens, we find peace and warmth.
When it fades, that is just the old ickyness coming back. Its fine and normal, as zenhen said, but when I have the strength and time, I go through the process to transmute more of it. Each diving reduces the shame, increases the potency and authenticity of the tears, and I feel stronger, more alert, and more peaceful each time.
Release, release, release. Cry the rainbow tears which melt the ice-olation. It gets better. Waaay better.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantKim,
Breakdowns are scary. All the pieces fall apart, and we are left holding a broken cup, peace and contentment flowing through our fingers like water. We suffer. The jealousy and self loathing arise like a hammer, and smash our self esteem to bits.
But it is good. There in the gaps between who you were and who you are is a magic. All of those things, him, job, even seeking release through meditation and friendships are of no help. Those are past. They have helped you to come here, to see the reflection in the pond, and they may help you tomorrow, but here in the pain is your key.
The mind resists pain, it tries to push away the feelings, but the body is stronger, and it is relentless. Jealousy hurts the body, and it is within the mind that the jealousy arises. The mind thinks its him, the cause, but it is not. Its inside, baggage unneeded, pain that is able to be healed.
Now is the time to practice. While the pain is fresh, vibrant, turn into the object of your attachment and give loving kindness. Look at him, wish for his joy. Wish him to find all the love and peace and pleasure and stability he could not find with you. Yes it is hard. Yes, the mind rebels, wanting to blame him for the pain the body feels. Dig in your heels, concentrate, use the skills you’ve been developing. Grit your teeth, that’s OK. Beat your fists, that’s OK. But keep wishing him joy. This is your prison, and your key, but you are the one who can transmute it.
Breakdown plus awareness becomes breakthrough. Said differently, if you can transmute the jealousy into kindness, finally, after all this pain, you will be free.
With warmth,
Matt -
AuthorPosts
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 