Meagan,

I’m sorry for all of the pain and suffering you’re enduring. Letting go of resentment is a difficult and noble aim, and it takes a powerful heart to even approach it. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that forgiving your sisters and mother has nothing to do with them. There is a part of Meagan that is still bound up, suffering because of the past. Often we think that to forgive others is somehow releasing them from their actions, that holding on will somehow, someday bring justice to the injustice. This is not the case. When we hang on to resentment, its like we’re capturing a little piece of our joy and pushing it away from us. As our mind pulls in the memories, all the painful emotions come with them. Letting go allows us to remember (like we could forget!) without those painful feelings.

The reason its important to see that is because the path of letting go is about accepting the actions of others. Consider that a mother’s connection to her children is powerful… naturally, biologically, physiologically. Consider how an equally powerful force of suffering must have been inside her for her to abandon her children, steal your family’s money, and then lash out at you. Who the heck does that?!? Someone in the grip of powerful suffering. Not that it is an “excuse”, but it just “is”.

Now consider that her suffering pushed her to act like an ass, and as you saw her actions, you made them about you. This is normal, usual. Buddha taught that we don’t have to. If you can just see that mom acted selfishly because of her suffering, it is enough to be free. Because what you can also see from that viewpoint is that in acting the way she did, she passed to you a gift of painful feelings that you still have. Its like her wound, which caused her to act very unmotherly, is now stuck in your heart and mind, causing you to act unskillfully. Said differently, its like a game of hot potato… and right now you have the potato in your hand, and are looking for a way to set it down. And that’s exactly what you’re doing. Mom may or may not change, sisters may or may not change, so we cannot give them the keys to our joy by wishing they would change.

Instead, we take a radical approach. We dig our heels into the heart, take a stand, and set down the hot potato. This is done by giving our loving kindness to them in our mind. “Mother, sisters, may you find peace, joy and happiness. May no harm come to you.” We do it as sincerely as we can, and over and over. This frees our mind from its resentment and pain. We don’t do it for them, we do it to recover Meagan’s joy. Let them suffer as they will until they figure out how to act lovingly, that is their burden, their karma. Ours is to love unconditionally, so we can be free. Its OK for you to grit your teeth and feel like you want to kick and lash, that’s normal. But, keep saying it… keep trying to give them the warmth inside… remember that it is not for them, its to reclaim your warm feelings. Here is a guided meditation that can help:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5M1hP4RfS-c

After all, haven’t you suffered enough from her actions? Isn’t it time you were free? I think so, and believe in your heart. I don’t say this as a dreamer, offering some goody goody advice to make the world a loving place. I’ve been there, and held resentment to the point of wishing for the death of my abusers. As I found my peace by doing and seeing exactly this, the anger faded and my mind became smooth and peaceful. Realize the canvas is blank, and we get to paint it however we wish… and as we free ourselves from past pain, the colors becomes more vibrant and joyous. Its worth the gritted teeth!

With warmth,
Matt

Swan,

I’m sorry for the loss you’ve been through, and the way it was done was certainly odd and uncomfortable. Relationships ending are rarely pleasant, and its really no wonder this one has left you spinning. When I read your words, a few things came to heart.

The first is that I really like how you’ve noticed that your mind has been difficult to settle. You said you have tried to meditate, but you get pulled into thoughts. That is normal, and the ruminations of the mind take concentration to let go. With continued practice, they do untangle.

If you can take it one step further, perhaps you’ll find some release from the pain of it. You’ve tried, and failed, to let go of the mental spinning. It as though your mind is on autopilot! Notice how much suffering is there with the spinning! Ouch!

Now, even though you had the intention of letting the spinning go, your mind stepped in and pushed back. That is normal, and actually so normal that many people don’t even notice it. Instead, they just fall into the negative thinking, which creates actions from the spinning. It seems exactly what happened to your Ex. You both noticed the relationship wasn’t great, but for whatever reason, his spinning pushed him to act like a doofus. Said differently, the same force which prevents your mind from settling in meditation is the same force which moved him to breakup with you so uncaringly. He might not even be aware of it, but its there.

Seeing this allows us to connect to our basic humanity, where we don’t blame people for acting without love, without caring. As much as you’d like to hold him accountable for the way he jumped ship, there is a part of you, compassion under the ruminations, that knows he has only done what he’s done because of his issues. Those issues bring him pain, just as yours bring you pain, so as you try to lash out at him in anger, it increases the strength of the ruminations.

Instead, we can let it go. Yes, there is pain from his lack of caring, but that pain is enough. It doesn’t have to be blamed on anything or anyone, because we all fall victim to the cycles in our mind. The good news is that they are impermanent, and fade as we connect to that basic humanity. You can strengthen that connection by wishing him well. “For whatever reasons you treated me in such a way, and for whatever reasons my mind spins, I forgive both of us, and wish that we find love and light on our journeys.” Blame only agitates the mind, because in blaming others we are blaming ourselves. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

Di,

It sounds to me like you have some detachment, which is great! Its fine to be a little numb, because it helps to not get caught into the drama. As long as the numbness isn’t leaking out into other connections, which could be falling into nihilism. Its one thing to see the drama and not get caught in it, and its another to feel it doesn’t matter. His patterns are painful for him, and compassion is the willingness to feel empathy for our suffering brothers and sisters.

However, when we’re first detaching from unhealthy drama, its normal and usual to notice an absence of allure to get sucked in. “Why do you do that to yourself?” and we turn away. It might help to do some metta practice with him as the target, because numbness feels more icky than kindness, though either is better than getting caught in it. Either way, follow your heart, it knows. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

Barbs,

Bravo! Your wisdom and patient consideration is really shining. You ask great questions, and of course you are the only one that can answer them, but you know that. On of my teachers said that just follow your desires, but mindfully. Someone who smokes mindfully will quit. Someone who chases sex mindfully will stop. As we become more attuned to who we are, how our body rests, how our mind reacts and responds, the negative falls away naturally.

Another of my teachers said that intimacy is difficult, but has the best chance of surviving when people are seeing the same essential things. More than looking clearly at one another, are they looking in the same direction? As time goes on, as your mindfulness increases, it will become clearer and clearer. No need to rush it, because it could be the attachment to the card, or it could be man isn’t compatible. Its great that you’re not trying to mold him, and simply asking yourself “is this the person I want to share the rest of this life with?”

The more self nurturing you become, the more stable, the easier it will be. Do his patterns challenge and supplement your joy, helping you become wise? Or are you sitting more and more as a stranger, unseen and unheard as he bounces from one moment to the next? What kind of words do you want there to be on the pages of your memoirs? This is the life of Barb, and you can write it however you want. The only thing that isn’t fair is to try to bend others to meet our desires… that just never works out. Free will, both respecting and expressing, is too integral to our joy.

Namaste,
Matt

JD,

Perhaps your heart is open, as you clearly express warm affection… maybe its your mouth that’s closed. 🙂 For me, the “practical method” is saying what I feel even in the presence of fear. Maybe what you say won’t be perfect, but so what? Maybe they’ll think “that was a dumb thing to say” but so what? Maybe they’ll say “you’re no good kid, you’ve got no future” but so what? The healing is from the courage, from the speaking anyway.

What I’ve found is that when I jump in, I feel great. My fears were unjustified, people like me, enjoy my input, and accept my participation. Even when I do stumble or feel like I said something dumb, it fades after the next jump. So I just keep jumping.

Perhaps you want the fear to go away first, before jumping. It might, but I don’t know how it could. When you fear the unknown, if you never plant a seed you’ll never know if the fruit is bitter or sweet. No one is perfect, so why bother waiting until you are before diving in?!

When in doubt, just ask questions. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Annaliese,

Good people sometimes do dumb things. I know how upsetting it can be to get in trouble with the law, and I’m sorry that it is so painful for you right now. Consider that only good people feel guilty for getting in trouble… if it didn’t matter to you, if you were a crappy person, you wouldn’t care. That you care enough to fall so hard over it means your heart is strong and caring.

A MIP ticket is really not that big of a deal. In many states you can just attend a class or do community service without paying a fine. If you have to pay a fine, it will probably be less that $200. Its good to learn from our mistakes, but the fine or service will be enough… the guilt is unneeded.

Just breathe, this will pass! If your head won’t stop cycling, consider screaming into a pillow, flailing around on your bed, jump up and down… get your energy moving again. Its possible the energy in you just needs release, and doing it in a safe way would be much better than cutting yourself or punching yourself in the brain. Remember even the best people did dumb things, its ok! I swear!

With warmth,
Matt

Jana,

I agree codependent sounds better than love addict, but I also find neither of them to be accurate. Codependency isn’t something you “are”… its just a game you’ve played as you try to find joy. Being a codependent is too permanent, false, unreal. We’re changing all the time, and as we uncover the reasons why we played that game, we stop. No problem. Then its just a matter of upkeep. Namaste!

With warmth,
Matt

Ann,

You’re welcome, I’m just doing my best to share the love and light of the world with the world. You asked how to deal with the pain, and how to move past this experience, and a few things came to heart.

The first thing that seems important is to see that a relationship has three separate components. There is you, with your thoughts, feelings, and reactions. There is him, with his thoughts, feelings and reactions. Then there is the intimacy, which is the interaction between you two, the way you relate to that interaction, and the common ground you two agree upon.

For you, on your side, perhaps consider reading some of Pia Mellody’s books. She gives very practical advice on how to disentangle yourself from him, so that you can stop making his decisions about you. For instance, it is easy to say “how could he do this to me?” but that is a dead end street. He ignored his own promise, which has nothing to do with you. It is between him and his reactions, thoughts and feelings. If he has a low self worth, it is normal to try to find happiness in drugs, sex, food. That has nothing to do with you.

It is almost the theme statement of codependency patterns for a partner to say “if only I can love them enough, they will be whole, they will change, they will grow into a good partner.” Pia Mellody explains how this is a failing exercise, and how to become stable in ourselves. We can’t change others, we can invite them, but the choice is in their hands.

Perhaps before making any kind of decision you can get back into your body, your mind, and look at it from the perspective of the life you want to live. Go on a nature walk, take a bubble bath with candles… do something you enjoy, just for you. Be kind to Ann, and help her wake up. Being with him can’t be about the kids, or about him… it is something that has to come from the heart. You are alive, breathing, and have the right to follow your path of joy. It is from our inner joy that our kids and partners find the nourishment and wisdom that will help them find their path as well. Said differently, self sacrifice is not helpful for ourselves or others… joy is something we share with others, not something we give up for their benefit.

With warmth,
Matt