Sarah,

So, how’d it go? What would you tell her?

With warmth,
Matt

Namaste

Isabella,

I am shocked at how well put together you are, all things considered! Your dedication to your friends is inspiring, the way you notice and relate to feeling shitty and looking for happiness, the courage it takes to stand up and take charge… my goodness girl, you’re one of the heroes of this world! Yes, I know you hate yourself right now, but that will go away. Don’t despair, because there is always a path to joy.

Consider pausing on the self loathing for a minute, because you need a hug. This world is tough, as Buddha taught, we are born ignorant of almost everything and have to rely on our parents and teachers to help us find joy. Considering the circumstances of the environments you’ve come from, can’t you see how beautiful you are? You have done so much already to help others, and all the while running on fumes. Its like a blood donor who barely has enough blood to stay alive, sees someone dying, and offers their last pints to save another. You’re a fricken hero!

Not that you’ve been going about it skillfully, because you haven’t. That is easy enough to fix, and even though it may seem like a dark and terrible road to happiness and inner peace, I’m pretty sure, from reading your story, that relief is coming very soon. You have an abundance of inner strength, and its just that you’ve never been show how to aim. I was much like that as well, except you’re waaay stronger than I am.

One of my teachers described it like this: When we go on an airplane, the stewardesses give a little safety demonstration. They say “in the case of a loss of cabin pressure, be sure to put on your own mask first, before helping others.” This is not selfish. Its smart. If you start running around trying to help other people without getting oxygen, you’ll pass out very quickly and need help yourself! If you put on your own mask, then you’ll have the resources to help others. Your mistake was only not knowing this, and so as the heroine inside you jumped to the rescue, you ended up passed out on the floor. This is normal, usual and happens to almost everyone.

This pattern has been following you around for far too long, sister. You need some air! To bring the metaphor back into your context, look at your friend with seizures. You had to grow up fast, and the parents and teachers and nurses that actually had the responsibility just offloaded it to you. Look at how you’ve been trying to please your parents. They, who have the task of helping you find yourself and your joy, poke holes in you, tell you how to be, criticize you… and still you’ve wished to live up to their expectations… following their plans, their directions will only lead you to be like them. Do you really want to be like them? I say drop all of it. All of it. Its time for a new strategy.

The first thing to do, in my opinion, is grab on to the oxygen mask and start breathing. This is done through self nurturing activities. For instance, going on walks in nature, taking bubble baths with candles, laying on a beach, playing with animals, listening to soft music, and especially meditation can all help the tension inside you unwind, and open up the space. Its what you were looking for in a bottle or in sex with a frat boy… that feeling of warmth and buoyancy inside, which is the fuel for our heartsong. Each of us find different activities nurturing… so look inside and see if there is something you would like to do, alone, just because, and do it.

Next, consider starting a metta practice. Metta is a pali word for “loving kindness” and is a feeling of warmth and freedom. What a metta practice will do is help reprogram your mind and body to be free from affliction. Consider that critical parents and backstabbing friends have placed inside your sacred garden some weeds. For instance, instead of making a mistake and saying “ah, now I know that was a mistake” the weeds produce thoughts such as “oh my god, I am a failure and can’t do anything right. I don’t deserve happiness.” Rubbish! What metta can help us do is gain a stability of mind, so we can uproot those weeds. So, as a thought arises of “I’m no good” we just yank it out by noticing that a thought like that isn’t very kind to ourselves, and all people deserve kindness. Here is the practice I use: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5M1hP4RfS-c

Now, over time the self loathing will erode and you’ll be able to live more from the heart. Don’t buy into other people’s expectations of you, because we each have a unique path to joy. For instance, your parents might throw at you some fear, saying you’re a deadbeat kid, but that’s just their fear, their ignorant way of trying to get a mask on you without having their own oxygen. Said differently, much like you fell into icky patterns when you weren’t self nurturing and living from the heart, so have they. Where you drank yourself into a stupor, they criticize themselves into a stupor and then throw punches at you. Even if its misplaced love, or oddly expressed concern, its about them, not you.

Finally, don’t forget to play. When we were young, we could have a teddy bear and a stick and have hours of contentment. We all miss that. It isn’t something we grow out of, it something we’re conditioned out of. All of the expectations placed on us, all of the knowledge we gain of what a “good life” means, all of the nonsense we imprison our inner child with… the wise ones find that the majority of it is hooey, bullshit. This is a beautiful and vibrant world we are in, and we only get to play for a handful of years. So dance, sing, play, laugh, be goofy and silly and have fun. No one looks back and says “I was too happy in this life”. Perhaps go and make silly faces in the mirror, I bet the kid in you is itching to express herself.

It will take a little time, so be patient. The light at the end of the tunnel isn’t the boyfriend, its Isabella… and I can see her, your boyfriend can see her, now its just a matter of you seeing her. Namaste, sister, I wish you love and light.

With warmth,
Matt

Nicole,

It takes much more mental awareness to consider others’ feelings in the middle of our own painfulness. Perhaps he doesn’t consider your feelings when he is caught in his own. That it more about his strength (unless he is habitually insensitive to your side) than anything to do with you. Stabilizing your own heart with metta will probably help a lot with that. Its a lot easier to smile and hug when we’re well nourished. Much like a hungry chef might become resentful of her clients, because they all get to eat while she is busy cooking. Metta practice is the self nurturing equivalent. Remaining self sufficient frees us to not take their turbulent emotions personally (either by making it about us or resenting the absence of warmth in them).

If he is habitually ignoring you, then there might be some codependency patterns of caretaking and so forth. Outside of his struggles, is he open, caring and attentive? Its fine and noble to help our partner, but its quite another to have a relationship with them that is based on helping them. Said differently, you seem quite delightful and deserve an intimacy that is based on sharing and affection, rather than helping.

With warmth,
Matt

Karen,

I’m so sorry for the difficulties you’re experiencing, it is terribly difficult to accept the decisions of our children, especially when we can see them moving into dangerous situations. A couple things came to heart as I read your words.

The first is shoring up the stability of your own body and mind. You mentioned crystals, energy work and meditation. That’s a pretty powerful toolset. Are you reiki attuned? Consider that you can address the mental cycling of guilt and fear directly. Consider saying “yes, I know that there will be difficult moments in the future, and there have been painful moments in the past, but I can set them down here and now, and refuel.” Then call the reiki energy, envision a cho ku rei over your third eye, and place your hands there. Then, as the energy enters, either quiet the mind or slowly repeat “patience” if the mind is still bouncy. If you’re not reiki attuned, you can use some selenite on your third eye, which is pretty close to the energy of reiki. Just place it on your third eye and repeat “patience and light” and imagine the light of divine love refracting through the selenite into your head.

Next, perhaps supplementing your meditation practice with metta practice. Metta can help settle the mental agitation that leads to the anxiety and guilt… basically the mental ruminations that cause both. Ajahn Brahm has a great guided metta meditation on YouTube. Here is another (already on my clipboard, unfortunately my phone erases a post if I swap tabs, or I would past the Brahm meditation).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5M1hP4RfS-c

Another thing that comes to heart is the way we respond to the tantrums of our children. As a parent, we are tasked with guiding our children toward nourishment. If they ask us for a sugar sandwich, and we say no, it is very usual for them to become pissy and try to manipulate us. Too bad they don’t pop out wise, eh? As you dig your roots deeper, and nourish your heart and mind (in activities such as described above) then as long as you can relate to their words as a temper tantrum, its easier to let them pass through. “I want a sugar sandwich”. “No, dear.” “You don’t care about me, you don’t respect my desires, you’re a bad mom.” Metaphorically beating their arms around, kicking and screaming. “The answer is still no, dear.” “You never give me what I want.” “That’s not my job, dear. My job is to try to give you what you need, not what you want.” They may cry and scream, throw hooks, lament and wail, but giving them the sugar sandwich is far more painful for us than loving a girl through a tantrum.

Finally, perhaps consider stopping giving her advice. Instead, ask her questions. Its the tried and true socratic method, where you consistently invite her to look at what is around her. “What does it feel like? What changes in him are you seeing? What actions is he taking to change? What do you like, see, think and feel? What do you want from life?” etc etc. Without hearing her or reading her energy, I can’t aim for you, but your heart is loving and wise, and will certainly learn quickly. Just remember that if you contest her free will, she’ll shut down. If you invite her to join you at simply looking, there is a much better chance she’ll engage, and whatever she sees will be much more valuable because she’ll be coming to it as an adult.

With warmth,
Matt

Nicole,

That quandary about people causing pain for themselves reminds me of what I went through at first. My teacher said that we have to come to respect how suffering isn’t bad, its a teacher. Pain is natures way of alerting us to something going wrong, which we can do with however we choose. Too much energy, in or out, too much pressure, in or out etc. Part of accepting nature is realizing people have to suffer until they figure out the pattern that is hurting them. We can try to help, but its their lesson. If they wish to look, we can try to shed love and light, but that is just our seed of mindfulness.

Another thing that struck me is “we can’t understand”. I feel that as we come to know ourselves, and heal ourselves, not only do teachers arise which help deepen our understanding of our nature, but the information we perceive carries with it a lot of information. Said differently, as we settle our own attachments, understanding simply arises in us as we dance with reality… either immediately or through teachers we happen across.

With warmth,
Matt

Ryan,

I’m sorry for your worries, I know how distressing it can be to have anxiety. Its sounds to me like you are far more invested than she is in the intimacy. I hesitated to respond, because it sounded like you wanted help in figuring out a way to keep her, but that doesn’t seem to be what she wants.

Sometimes we just have to accept that a romance is like a flower blooming, and it is beautiful while its open, but will fade in time. She sounds like she’s been clear with you, and yet you don’t want to hear what she is saying, don’t want to accept her moving on.

Consider getting out and following some of your interests. There are usually many groups on campuses, and perhaps you would do well to pursue some other sources of happiness. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

Namaste Hanadi. I’m in the process of starting a healing practice, and your story is inspiring! I hope you find deeper joy with each step.

With warmth,
Matt