Phool,

In response to question number two, you are not her parent. Trying to be her parent is not good for her or for you. Asking her to see a therapist for problems “you think she has” is thinly veiled judgement and blame. If she is unhappy, she can go find help when and if she is ready. Not your job, responsibility, or right. Namaste brother, you’ll find your way!

With warmth,
Matt

Barbs,

Sometimes my wife has a pain in her shoulder, and asks me for a massage. If were to say to her “what is wrong with you, you are sick and twisted and its not my fault, fix yourself” would you consider those to be wise words? Would they be loving? There is a distinct difference between wanting gentle love from our partner, and being “sick in the head”.

That’s not to say there isn’t stuff happening in your mind, some twists and turns that bring you pain. There are. However, his systematic abuse isn’t about you. He seems distinctly separated from his compassion. Because the karma in your intimacy is thick, when you say “I’m feeling insecure” he responds with anger. That is not a healthy reaction from him. Sure, your insecurities are a problem for you, but his refusal to meet you halfway is terrible for the intimacy.

You seem to have slid from pride to shame. Going from “I will control your actions to make myself happy” (pride) to “Your response is my fault” (shame). There is a middle ground where your actions are about you, and his actions are about him.

For instance, perhaps he was hoping that you would only be excited for him getting a chance to go and party. Instead, when you heard of the partying, it brought up feelings of isolation, which he picked up on. Instead of saying to himself “yes, this is how she sometimes responds and I love her” which would move him toward helping you, he selfishly said “screw her, she doesn’t care about my happiness” and dominoed his way into anger and resentment. “How dare she accuse ME. How dare she not support ME.” Sigh. If only people were perfectly loving, this whole damned world would rise into grace. But unfortunately that is not the case.

Have you considered that perhaps you’re in love with an asshole? You open your heart, express your gentle truth, and he poops on your face. Then, he complains that you smell bad! How invalidating it must feel!

Sometimes the lesson is to see clearly and respond with a little heat. “Excuse me mister, your anger at my insecurity is a much bigger problem than my fear you’re going to forget our intimacy while you’re drunk and partying.” He assumes you cause his anger, and that emotionally and psychologically abusing you is a normal response. It really isn’t, my dear sister. Yes, you have some stuff to work out with your self esteem, but how can you build esteem when someone is constantly criticizing you for where you are now? This “your problem, you suck barb, you are a terrible person” is about the worst thing someone can say to an insecurity, and indicates a deep unsettling delusion in his mind. If he is stuck assuming you are the only one acting foolishly, that is his stuck, not yours.

There are an enormous amount of men out there who respond much better, and accept that insecurities arise when we are invested in intimacy. Whether you feel the one you have is workable is between you and your heart… just remember that if you step up to the plate and own your feelings, insecurities and all, your partner has the responsibility to respond kindly. Otherwise, he doesn’t really love you, he loves a vision of you without the baggage. That will never work.

With warmth,
Matt

Kim,

Loneliness is tough to confront and heal. There is a sense that “he made me happy” and “without him my heart is broken”. Im sorry for the difficulties and painfulness that you’re experiencing… and as you grieve, I hope you find some peace.

Kim, he didn’t make you happy. You fought, he was a jerk, and on and on the intimacy was painful for both of you. But, it was better than being alone. Alone there is only Kim to console you, and perhaps because you don’t like yourself very much, you reach again and again to this vision of him as the source of your warm feelings… because reaching out to Kim isn’t helpful. When you do, she just beats you up for not saying the right things, for not being good enough for him, for being pathetic and crying on the floor… how impatient she is with you! How critical!

The solution is perhaps developing self love. Consider restarting the nurturing activities you’ve been neglecting, and try to be gentle with your body. Give it tender and special food, such as sitting in nature, gentle music, healthy meals, and the space to grieve. Show your body the care and attention it deserves. You are beautiful, slowly healing and grieving, and eventually you’ll feel right as rain.

This notion that arises that “I’ll never be in love again” is a canker, a delusion. You so deeply, codependently, attached to the ex that the loss is producing a lot of spinning in your mind and heart. Its normal and usual for that to happen. When I got divorced, I not only thought I would never find love, but I said to myself “I don’t even want to bother trying.” That was just me being stubborn and foolish, and as the heart tantrum settled, not only did I find love, but I found that what in had with my first wife was ugly in comparison.

Please be patient with yourself. The rise and falling of stability is normal and usual. Just try your best to breathe through the down days, and play on the fun ones. It will heal, you’ll stabilize, and find your love again.

With warmth,
Matt

Kim,

I really enjoy they way you’re looking at the experiences you’ve had. On one hand, there is the tragic crumbling of family which would wound even the strongest heart. On the other, you’re looking at the pieces and wondering how to heal. This is such a great place to be, because with a little courage and determination to reclaim your inner peace, transformation can occur! A few things came to heat as I read your words.

When we become wounded, the body starts working immediately, naturally to heal. When we experience loss, grief is the body’s way of trying to let go, accept, and recalibrate itself to the new path. It can be very painful and isolating, and takes time to settle. What you’re experiencing is normal, usual and unavoidable. Don’t despair, however, because there is always a path to joy. Wounds of the heart are healed most directly by forgiveness.

Buddha described anger as a hot ember we grasp with the intention of throwing it at someone, but it is our hand that gets burned. Anger arises like a spear in our mind.. thoughts that sharpen and stab at others. For instance, “some hussy sluts her way in and destroys my family? I wanna kick that wench in the hooha.” It feels like it would right the wrong, to payback the injustice with justice. However, all the anger really does is burn away our happiness. Anger is fiery and corrosive, painful to the body, and produces a feeling of isolation.

So, it is something we look deeply into and set down. It is very usual for you to be pissed off at the ex husband and his wife, because so much of what happened was done with a callous disregard for your feelings. I’m sorry it happened that way for you, dear sister, and your feelings do matter. Your heart was betrayed in many ways, in both the affair, the way he handled the divorce, how you were booted out of your close connections… your pain is very reasonable. Your anger has causes, and because the situation was so twisted, it is tough to untangle them.

So, forgiveness is something we summon within us and create. We don’t have to wait for it to just randomly blossom some day, instead, we can act in a way that helps us forgive the trespasses against us. Remember, this is not about them, this is about you. Forgiveness is what will help you find the joy you’re seeking. Said differently, when there is genuine forgiveness, the pieces of you which are stuck in the past, pulling your mind back into painful cycles will release, and all that energy will rejoin you in the present moment. Then you’ll be free!

As tender as I wish to be, the band-aid has to come off. Its time to dig in your heels, take a stand, and let go… which will happen by wishing them well. With as much sincerity as you can (grit your teeth if needed, but try… this is to reclaim your joy!) “May he and his wife be well, happy and peaceful. May no harm come to them. May they always meet with spiritual success. May they have patience, courage, understanding and determination to meet and overcome their problems, difficulties and failures in life. May they always rise above them with morality, integrity, forgiveness, mindfulness and wisdom.” See how violent the mind becomes? That force is what keeps you from peace, from love, from wisdom.

The release is from a practice called metta. Its a pali word for loving kindness, or the warm and tender sense that arises in us as we wish all living beings well. The self help books won’t do it, the seeking and searching won’t create it… its already in you deeply and profoundly, it just doesn’t arise because of all the layers of anger that rest on top of it. Consider the following practice, which is a guided meditation that helps free the mind from hatred and delusion:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5M1hP4RfS-c

I know how ugly and uncomfortable hate can be, and with some continued effort from you, the goddess inside will rekindle and find her dance again. Its said that forgiveness is divine, and that’s not because of some wishy washy notion of gaining favor with some heavenly father. As we forgive, we reclaim our inherent divinity, touch inside us the force of love that pours into all beings, whether they are a sweet baby cooing or an ex husband who was emotionally abusive. That is them, their bodies. In us, there is divinity, because love is strong and settled independent of how they treat each other or how they treat us. That’s when our wings can spread, receiving divine love like a sail received the wind, and each step becomes full of warm gratitude for the beauty that flows through and around us. Namaste, sister, may the light and love be yours.

With warmth,
Matt

Sarah,

What I’ve found to be the most nurturing thing to do is listen for the spark of inspiration inside and follow it. For instance, I’ll feel tired and lay down on the couch. After awhile, a little voice says “it’d be nice to… (do the dishes, go meditate, take a bath, go for a walk, go smell some flowers). Immediately, there is also a voice that says “I don’t have the energy for that”. That voice is dumb. The energy of the action is in the action, not something we “spend” beforehand. What keeps the energy flowing is doing things that are good for us.

For instance, nurturing activities, or actions we wish to do that are kind to ourselves, increase our emotional stability. The specifics depend on the person. I like how you’re exploring meditation, here’s one I find to be really awesome:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5M1hP4RfS-c

If a guided meditation isn’t your style, or if your mind is too bouncy to follow along, consider searching YouTube for “ajahn jayasaro counting breaths”. Jayasaro offers a simple activity which can help increase the concentration of our mind. Also, consider checking out a local Buddhist temple. They often have instruction and can help with posture and technique, as well as provide a peaceful environment.

Other self-care activities I enjoy are hot baths, writing on message boards, playing with my kids, soft music, cooking, drawing, exercising, walking in nature, watching heartwarming YouTube videos, and reading. For yourself, it depends on what warms your heart. Everything from painting your toenails to welding metal sculptures… what really matters is that as you do it, the body relaxes, the breath opens, and the mind settles. Too often we try to unwind by feeding our mind other stories, such as watching TV, and its better to let the stories already in there settle than trying to cover one with another. Just my opinion.

Finally, don’t worry if you don’t just “have” self compassion. Love is action… and so as you give yourself the same tender attention you give your daughter, self love will be a result, not a cause. So be patient, it takes time to let the tender shoots of love grow strong within our heart. Like within any relationship, love is something that grows as we communicate and spend time together… so keep at it!

With warmth,
Matt

Sassy,

I know how unsettling it can be to stand at a crossroad with confusion, and I’m sorry that your mind has been so spinny. You’re already on your way toward happiness, and whatever decision you make won’t change that. One of my teachers wisely said that its OK to follow your desire, just do it mindfully. The unhealthy falls away, because that which brings us pain is noticed and abandoned. Its OK to jump, just do it with your eyes open!

Consider that when we are kind, gentle and patient with ourselves we are able to live more clearly from the heart, and follow our path with grace. There is no split, no polarity between living and loving. As you continue to self nurture, love becomes the energy which moves you through life. Don’t give in to the ex-boyfriends psychological abuse “you’ll end up worse off without me.” That’s hogwash. You’re learning, opening your mind and heart, and that makes all the difference. Its quite normal to cower a bit after being told we’re no good, but that is just fear… shadows of old voices which tried to keep us controlled. Its OK to just notice the fear there and let it pass through.

Are you hoping to get back with the ex? You said you made some decisions that made it hard to get back together, and you don’t want that to happen again. Are you trying to stay available for him? Consider that either way, not dating right now is about you, about letting your heart heal, and has nothing to do with anyone else. As you patiently heal, what to do next becomes more and more clear… the heart makes one of the paths glow. Its OK to set aside walking down any of them until that happens.

Sometimes we can be afraid we’re going to miss out on our chance at joy. As though there is one tree with the fruit on it that holds the key to our peace and happiness. This just isn’t the case. As we bloom (such as working through codependency patterns and healing from an ex) and keep walking, the world blooms around us… and the chances at happiness are bountiful. Said differently, date, not date, ex, not ex, friendly, romantic… those don’t matter as much as keeping the tender shoots of self love growing. Its that self love which keeps the world sparkling, not boys that come in and out of our view.

Have you been self nurturing? That’s the key. Namaste sister, I wish you love and light.

With warmth,
Matt

Sarah,

Its no small wonder you needed out of that relationship. You were experiencing a very twisted form of abuse, neglect, which in both intimacy and parenting is often much more damaging than physical or sexual forms of violence. With more apparent forms of abuse, there is a specific action that can be pinpointed as the moment of assault. With neglect, there is a sense that we “just don’t matter” or “just aren’t important” to our partner, and eventually ourselves.

That you so clearly saw it is beautiful, and speaks highly of your wisdom and empathy! You were crying on the couch and he ignored it? He said he never thinks about you? That’s neither normal, healthy for an intimacy, or anything that has to do with you. How could you relate to the back of a head? To a vacant heart? There’s nothing workable there!

It brings to heart the Buddhist description of a “hungry ghost”. The picture painted is a being with a tiny mouth and a big belly. They bounce from thing to thing, eating what they can, but the mouth is so small and the belly so big, each bite just makes them more hungry. Your ex-husband reminds me of that, where he went from cookie to cookie (or twitter post to porn movie to news feed and on and on) without being open to what was actually around him, so he seeks new stimuli again and again. What a state!

So he sees you on the couch, says “seen that one before, boring. What’s new?” Until he confronts his addiction, there’s little that can be done. Eventually they become desensitized and become ceaselessly bored, and once they get bored of being bored, they can escape.

But how could you wait around for that? He didn’t even think about your happiness, which is fundamental for intimacy. Without that, there is no relationship. Not your fault. You’re not the one that ended it, his neglect did a loooong time ago. You poured into him over and over with nothing in return. That you held on so long is remarkable, and a testament to your dedication.

And your stubbornness. 🙂 However, it troubles me that you would say “you can do that to me, but not to our daughter.” You owe it to your heart and your daughter not to let people do that to either one of you! Perhaps some of the feeling of “I don’t matter” is still churning beneath the surface, perhaps just from being married to him for so long, or even further back. Sometimes we relive relationships that are similar to childhood/adolescence until we overcome the issue.

What a blessing our children are! Sometimes when we don’t love ourselves very much, but love our kids, they inspire us to grow. Your “mama bear” didn’t roar to protect yourself, but did for her. Now that she’s awake, its a good time to turn her inward. Said differently, you know what showing compassion to your daughter looks like, and she is worthy of that compassion. Not because she is pretty, or because she can walk, or because of anything she does… but just because. Because she does. And so do you.

Its easy to think we don’t deserve it because we did this or that, like getting a divorce or flirting before papers were signed, or because others tell us we’re shitty people. If a person came up to your daughter and told her she was unlovable because she’s not potty trained yet… ummm… what might you say to that person? Would you crumple and agree? So why do you when the punch is aimed at you? You deserve to be loved and find happiness, and if someone at the office doesn’t think so, that’s their baggage. Let mamma bear come out and tell them to go stick a pin in their eye and mind their business. Or, how about “I was in love with him, and he was in love with twitter.” You owe no explanation, and can’t control how people think, so why bother trying?

I know you’re beautiful, you know you’re beautiful, your daughter, your friends… the people who look will know. Those who don’t, maybe someday you can help them open up when you’re healed from the ordeal, but until then, protect the tender shoots in your heart, they take time and space to grow.

Speaking of growth, do you take time to self nurture? To protect your daughter’s precious heart, you know that taking care of her needs is essential. To protect your precious heart, taking care of your needs is also essential. Perhaps some soft music, a bubble bath, a walk in nature, sensual clothing, meditation… things that you do for you, just because. Just as you give hugs to your daughter regularly, its important to give “hugs” to yourself as well. Its not just for you, its for her. As you self nurture more regularly, your heart will naturally have more warmth and energy to give to her. You’re both deserving. Namaste, sister, in wish you love and light.

With warmth,
Matt

Jack,

Perhaps you could check with some psychics… they’re usually more than willing to read into destiny. Without hearing her side directly, there’s no information to use to aim (for me).

In the meantime, to me it sounds as though she expressed a boundary, saying she just wants to be friends. It seems as though it is painful for her (for whatever reasons) to be in a relationship or a relationship with you. That is between her and her heart and mind.

Being close friends with single women that we have affection for is very difficult. Are you ok? Is your self esteem alright? I wonder what might be preventing you from trying to connect with a woman who is interested in you romantically… sometimes we get “hooked” on unhealthy relationships because we think we don’t deserve better. You seem warm and caring, which are qualities that are well appreciated by partners, usually. She seemed a little emotionally abusive before the breakup, are you sure you want her back? Did you grieve the loss last time or just distract yourself?

With warmth,
Matt