Naomi,

I’m sorry for the suffering you’re experiencing, and know how hopeless it can feel when our heart breaks. Don’t despair, sister, there is always a path to joy. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

This is going to be a tough pill to swallow, but you’re going through withdrawal from an addiction. The drama and sex and emotional rollercoastering… has pushed your body into a state of craving. Much like alcohol addiction, passion addiction becomes toxic quickly and has terrible withdrawal symptoms. For alcoholics, their body adjusts to all the sugars and crazy swings, and stops looking for nourishment. In late stages, they don’t even eat any more. The emotional equivalent is going on for you, right now, and as painful as it is, there is a road to recovery… a path out of the cave, and back into the warmth of balance and joy.

There is a lot of information out there about codependency and its phases, symptoms, and recovery. Pia Mellody has done great things with her heart, and I highly recommend her books. They can smooth out your self awareness and give practical day to day practices which can help you refuel your heart.

Basically, perhaps what happened is this: You were bored and unfulfilled, and he came in with such passionate fire that he caught your attention fully. Over time, the potency became so alluring that you stopped caring for yourself, spending time stabilizing and harmonizing your own body with itself. Instead, when the two of you were up, you were up, and when you two were down, you were down. You became a victim of your own addiction to the potency between you two, and began using that as your main (or only) source of emotional nourishment. Because the union was interwoven with toxic passion, the energy wasn’t producing the nourishment you needed, and so you would flop from filled to empty over and over. Finally, the connection couldn’t withstand the push and pull, and so it crumbled. Now, because you are out of self nourishing habits, all your energy was removed, leaving you hungry and aching. Craving, almost feral. So you abuse yourself to feel something, anything.

And I’m so sorry if any or most of this fits. Please get Pia’s books, they are wonderful. In the meantime, there are steps you can take to refill that inner warmth. Consider intentionally doing self nurturing activities. Go for a walk in nature, and try to see the trees and animals and dirt. Take them in. Take a bath with candles, soft music. Do some painting or sculpting, or go to a museum or gallery. Do nice things for yourself, make some space fore the craving/addiction to settle. Consider doing a metta meditation regularly, search youtube for “sharon metta guided” for one that might resonate with you.

Accept “this is just craving an object of addiction” and be gentle with yourself. You, more than anyone, deserve your tender care and attention. And, you are the best person to give that care. And, yes, of course you deserve it… you are beautiful and powerful, and have only stumbled along your path of love. Its OK, it will pass, the craving recedes, and the buoyant goddess comes back to play with the rest of us. It takes time, but you’re alive and well underneath the muck, dear sister.

With warmth,
Matt

Sean,

I’m sorry for the pain and suffering you’re going through, and the sense of disorientation and sorrow you feel is very normal. Even Superman cried from time to time… it isn’t something that makes you weak, its an expression of strength oddly enough. It is one thing to want to avoid being dramatic, and weeping over molehills. You seem stable enough not to make mountains out of molehills. However, perhaps you’re trying to make a mountain into a molehill, as though the pain and divorce and uncertainty of the future is something you should weather with grit and machismo.

That just doesn’t work. Many cultures have rituals of catharsis, or the physical release of pain. One Zen trick is to bury our face into a pillow and scream. Flail our arms around, jump up and down. Out, OUT! Don’t shove it down, let the body move and release it. That way the stuck energy gets moving, and instead of being paralyzed with the stress, you can get it moving, cycling.

Like you, I follow my passion, and pay little attention to financially tuned activities. I’d put my earnings in a coffee can and never think about it if I could… accounts and investments and so forth… bleh. Luckily, there are accountants and lawyers and the like, which can take care of that for us.

For the internal stuff, it is important to refuel. Like a hunter needs to eat before he is strong enough to hunt, so do we need emotional nourishment to navigate our choices and options. The best method I’ve found for that nourishment is meditation, specifically including metta meditation practice. This opens up the mind and body, helps silence the mental agitation, and refuels our resilience to tough experiences.

For instance, perhaps you can remember back to a moment where things were smooth, flowing like clockwork. The mind was peaceful then, luminous in the way it made decisions, like a schooner cutting through still waters. Each challenge that arose happened with the spaciousness of that smooth mind, and the focus and clarity needed happened easily. When the external gets more jumbled, it seems that the stability is gone, there is just too much and we become overwhelmed. Then the focus and clarity seem impossible. That just isn’t true. We can intentionally cultivate the smoothness of mind even when the clockwork has multiple wrenches in it. Then, in the absence of panic and agitation, each wrench can be dealt with as we arrive at them. There is no need to fear the future then, because it is the focus and clarity that move us toward success. Not the business, not being surrounded in favorable circumstances, not a lack of wrenches in the gears.

So we do that, we intentionally cultivate stable mindedness, equanimity. This is where metta is very helpful. Metta is kindness, the same honest concern you gave to your customers which kept them loyal and consistent. When we bring that kindness, nobility, into our heart and mind for all beings, we feel less and less agitation from the wrenches. It gives us an emotional keel, a direction to head, and a fuel for the journey.

Consider carving out 35 minutes in your morning for the following guided meditation. It is both instruction on what to do, and an explanation as to why what happens happens.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5M1hP4RfS-c

If the accent distracts you, feel free to search YouTube for “guided metta meditation”. Lots of good ones. Don’t worry if it is difficult at first, if you feel drowsy at first. That’s normal. Namaste, brother, may you find love and light.

With warmth,
Matt

Jamie,

I’m sorry for the confusion and spinning, and know how disorienting the chaos of shifting experiences can become. What I see woman building her character, and doing it well. Its OK to be confused, that is natural and normal. Rather than assume you know or acting out of habit, you are taking the time to look deeply and attempting to act wisely. That’s awesome! A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Rather than a waste of time and effort with Slayer, consider that you followed your heart at each stage. In the adopting, the retrieving from the ex, in the returning to the ex. You really tried to follow your heart, and look for Slayer’s interests meeting your own. And now, you have the chance to keep him/her… without strings or conflict. How wonderful is that? The rest is wind in the trees. Let his social networking be tainted with his own negative energy, that’s between him, his karma, and anyone that chooses to believe delusion. You followed your heart, and what else could you do?

As for the new person, it is between you, your heart, him and his heart. Don’t pay attention to conventions or expectations, just follow your tender desires and ask him for his. If you need space or time to go slow, do it. Just don’t hide or cower, let him know… you have the right and responsibility to do what your heart tells you, and he has the responsibility to respect it. If you want to go fast, go fast. Just be tender, honest, open, and communicate. That is the basis of all intimacy, at whatever speed of growth you feel comfortable. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

Sophie,

My wife does the same thing, its as though she is charging boldly into the unknown and “home” or “our relationship” seems like a distraction. Her attention is on the next task, the next evolution of her business, the next dodad. She forgets to eat, and just goes goes goes.

I find it amusing and inspiring. What I do is call her home, help her remember the beauty and nourishment that arises when we have our heartfelt intimacy, when we join in spirit and take time to rest with one another. I don’t take her gogogo personally, it doesn’t really have anything to do with me. It doesn’t have anything to do with her commitment to our intimacy. It doesn’t have anything to do with her view of me. Its just how her creativity works. She has a spark, it catches flame, then she uses that to grow and shift her world.

The reason it doesn’t bother me is because as she flies away, I spend time growing my roots deep into the earth and remain grounded. Where she is chaos, I am stability. I meditate, write, share and heal the world where I can, when I can. This keeps me in tune with my own creative spirit, so as she flies home, my fluid call to her heart helps her land, rest.

However, sometimes I become ungrounded, unstable. I forget that we work with a basic fertility. For instance, if she is busy thinking about her work while we are spending time together, my feelings might get hurt. Then I forget that I have the power to call her home, and become resentful that she isn’t there with me. She’s off in her head, flying through the past or future, and I want her attention. The solution for me is always a few deep breaths and then I jump in after her. My heartsong pours toward her, calling to her, reminding her, expressing my love. Her clouds clear, and she lands. Sometimes she even smiles and says “oh, I remember. Hi!”

With warmth,
Matt

Dan,

I’m sorry for the suffering you’ve experienced, and my heart goes out to you. Sometimes our mind becomes intensely dissatisfied, and produces a lot of isolation, regret and shame. Don’t despair, brother, there is always a path toward joy. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

The first thing that has to be done here is shift your view a little. You’re stuck in a delusion that life, the universe, fate, whatever… somehow cheated you. This is not the case. Your brain has knots in it, and those knots prevent you from connecting to your joy. Said differently, the source of your healing is not in a changing environment, its in waking up the part of your mind that has been sleeping. This might sting, but it is also very liberating. It means that even after 40 years, you can change your feelings.

But how to do that? You’re going to have to take some steps where you harness your willpower and turn away from negative habits, and begin some healthy ones. Namely, you’re fixating on the negative feelings of the past which drains all of your energy, and so you fantasize to try to get some energy back. Its normal and usual for us to get stuck in that cycle, but it is also incredibly painful and creates the mental state such as you’re experiencing. The good news is the pain pushes us to throw our hands in the air and say “what the heck is going on, and what do I do about it”…. which is pretty much the role of pain.

Sometimes what we fall into doing is fantasizing about what we wish we could have. For instance, we know that there is a state fair in town, which has a booth that has great cherry cupcakes. We begin to dream of the sensuousness of eating one, how good the buttercream frosting, the soft and moist cake, the bursts of flavor and sensation… all coming together in an experience. Yum! So we go to the fair, and get one, then come home to eat it. We unwrap it, and find out we received a carrot cake muffin instead. The fair has moved on, and we are stuck with the harsh, cold disappointment of the ugly carrot muffin. How our mind recoils! As we eat the muffin, all of the sensuousness of it is clouded by that recoiling… we don’t taste the beauty that is there, it is like chewing ash. Each bite is a reminder of what we don’t have, the missing cherry cupcake. We begin to blame and point and become angry that our special moment was cheated from us, stolen from us. Those uncaring bastards at the booth wronged us, and now we have to suffer.

In your case, the child acting, greasy highschool, wife, life… they have produced these dreams inside your mind that you cling to, as though that is the only way for there to be joy. Then, as you wake up to the difference between your dream and reality, you suffer. It isn’t just something you “get over” such as your wife’s perhaps well intentioned words. Rather you have to grieve the loss of the dream, pull your mind back into the present, refuel your heart, so you can taste the beauty that is present.

The best method I know of for this is metta meditation practice. Metta is the warm feeling we have inside ourselves, which wishes us and everyone happiness and success. When we are full, satisfied, it is natural to be happy for others. When we are empty, dissatisfied, it is natural to compare and be jealous. Instead of trying to produce the right conditions externally, such as going back in time and changing your highschool experience or chasing the cupcake, we sit and use our willpower to refuel. Its just the emotional state of the body, and can be held without any external change.

Consider for a moment that each breath you take refuels a little of your energy, like getting a penny for each breath. Over time, that builds up into a small abundance, which then can be invested in our life. What you’ve been doing is throwing your money into a wishing well, and then noticing that you don’t have enough money to buy yourself food. You notice that the people around you seem happy, satisfied, and well fed… their wishes in the well must have come true! So it must be the universe just has it out for you. That’s just not the case, brother. They aren’t spending as much time and effort wishing, so they have enough to buy their food. This is where doing metta meditation will help in two ways.

First, it will increase the energy received with each breath. When we breathe in, the amount of energy we receive is directly proportional to the amount of openness we have. When we hate the world and what it has done to us, we get very little… we are naturally closed to it. When we wish the world well, and reach out with as much sincerity as we can, each breath becomes more nourishing. Second, it decreases the mental agitation… the mind lets go and becomes smooth, peaceful. This allows us to begin to enjoy what we do have. The carrot muffin is beautiful and sensuous as it is, and as we let go of the cherry cupcake, the bites turn from ash to wonder.

The great news is that your powerful suffering in this moment transforms into powerful joy as you take the reigns. It is much more difficult to inspire an apathetic soul than heal the broken heart of a dreamer. You have such vibrancy inside you, such a powerful mind and imagination, that as you start looking for a new internal strategy, the healing will probably happen fast and profound. Give metta even a few weeks, twice a day if you can manage it, and see what happens.

It really is up to you, each moment presents us with a blank canvas, and what you do with the next 40 years is between you, your heart, and the blank potential of a fertile world. I believe in you, friend, namaste.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W3uLqt69VyI
With warmth,
Matt

Elms,

I’m sorry for your difficulties and mental spinning that you’re experiencing. I know how painful it can be to sit with the unknown. Consider that she is asking for space, and you’re not giving it to her. If she pointed at the car as the source of her wanting distance, I doubt it is anything more than a symbol to her (we sometimes have roaming concrete reasons, such as failing, then the car etc), but without knowing her, it is only conjecture.

In contrast to lily’s suggestion of getting rid of the car, which seems well intentioned but misdirecting, consider that your missing her has become obsessive, and is collapsing the space she has asked for. When you sense her pulling back, you dive forward again and again, which pushes her further back. At this point, she could be either confused about what she wants, or doesn’t like you anymore. Its a toughy to repair, but if it can be salvaged, there will be a few key steps involved.

First, you have needs for love, attention, and affection, and she is not a good source for you. Its sometimes called codependency, depending on the specific conditions, but basically the obsessive need that arises is perhaps because you do not spend enough time self nurturing. Start a meditation practice (especially metta), take a bath, write… some activities that are kind and gentle to yourself. Over time this will nourish your self love, which will make you a source of love, rather than a cup in need of filling. Said differently, Lois Lane did not even see Clark Kent, who scrambled after her like a bumbling fool. She had love at first sight for Superman, who was busy giving and sharing his gift with others.

Secondly, stop invading her space. Let her go to be who she is trying to be, and try to be supportive of her on her journey. Let your creativity open up and become giving, instead of your wanting coming at her. Perhaps some flowers for her desk, so as she is studying her space is a little more beautiful? Maybe she has a favorite food or dessert or something that brings a smile to her heart, and either make it or drop it off. No expectations, not even wanting to see her. Just anything that might make her journey better, with or without you. Things that might make her space brighter for her, without expectation or desire for it to produce closeness… but rather wanting her to be happy even though she needs the space. Use your creativity and heart, and try to find ways of being genuinely supportive.

That being said, sometimes hearts just close to someone and never reopen in a romantic way. If the trust has been bruised deeply enough, all of your attempting will do little or nothing, in terms of reignition of passion. However, if all is lost with her, than getting into patterns of self nurturing and being supportive (even when its difficult) will help you in your next intimacy. They are qualities that are needed, like light and water for a plant. If the current one is withered beyond growth depends on her roots, her heart.

Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

Bodhi,

Consider doing metta in the morning, as the momentum of your day can be influenced. It sounds like an eruption of mental agitation that you observed and did nothing with. When we notice that we are in a foul mood, that is a great time to find a cushion and do something about it.

One Buddhist teacher said we have to eat happy meat. For instance, factory farmed chickens have to have their beaks and feet clipped or they will claw and peck each other to death. How angry must they be! Not only do they suffer, which is sad, but we eat that meat. I stopped eating non free range meat some time ago, and find my body settles easier. If its because my conscious is more clear or I do not ingest anger in my food, either way.

That being said, eating habits do not make or break your inner peace… that is between you, your butt, and your cushion. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt