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MattParticipantHello Inky! Glad to see you still singing.
The problem I see with your strategy is that cults have mystique, and those flyers are free advertising. Perhaps if Will addresses the “driven nuts” internal quality first, she would quite naturally know what to do? Not “live and let live”, such as forgive and walk away. Rather, become clear first, then flow with wisdom and compassion. Flowing, internally aligned, we meet the right people and have the right words to say at the right time.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantWill,
I used to feel something very similar to this when walking through the mall. And watching television commercials. And reading message boards. The best response is to sit down and shut up. Who are you to say what is needed? 🙂
For me, peace blossomed as I looked at how the teaching quality of suffering meets the inner resilience of people. A person buys into some ideas, makes the purchase, and while it may or may not be some transformational experience toward happiness, it is one of a thousand steps along their path. No matter what is being sold, the promise of enlightenment or a blouse, we don’t really know how that sale is influencing the buyer, how it steers them. This makes our assumptions about it being a step into or out of the woods false, projection of our own fear of being vulnerable, lead astray, and whatnot. Ironically, judging the cults in the world comes from ego and enforces it, making us less likely to be able to meet a cultist with the clear singing voice of our dharma. Me geting worked up, for example, by a salesman working hard at convincing a shopper that the latest fashion is just what they need, turns two people dancing with illusions into three people dancing with illusions. Fighting fire with gasoline, and the like.
If its driving you really really nuts, then perhaps look deep at the way your developmental exercises have been making you feel better than others, more advanced, more “real”, more awake, more divine. That cult leader, for example, is every bit as human and important to nature as we are. That’s our human sibling, not a lesser character, and perhaps helps us turn our own swords to plowshares as we trigger ourselves by projecting and cycling with fantasy, getting bored, shutting up. What a blessing! Keep breathing.
With warmth,
MattPS *waves*, thanks!
May 11, 2015 at 7:42 pm in reply to: Very close to the light at the end of the tunnel. Will I make it? #76634MattParticipantHeal2014,
Considering how much time you spent anxious about the bullies, it makes sense that thoughts of them would come up alongside the very normal and usual anxiety most get when we go on interviews. The anxiety perhaps feels similar to the body, so it might get you thinking of the past, projecting it on to the present.
Here is a good place to use those meditation skills you’ve been growing. Stick to the feeling, letting whatever fearful thoughts accompany the feeling just come up and pass through like clouds. No need to do anything with them, just accept its normal to be anxious when we do stressful things, and move back the breath. Little ripples of memories of bullies, fading away, losing their strength.
If you’re getting caught up, thinking a lot about the bullies, not able to go back to the breath, consider wishing that the bullies mighy overcome whatever inner issues caused them to be jerks, for the benefit of themselves and everyone around them. Bullies can be quite lonely and desperate people, and sending well wishes to their side can help you accept that their actions didn’t really have anything to do with you, they were just trying to make their shitty day better at the cost of another. Fools, really. Why sweat it?
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantStarfish,
Its normal to feel upset when we feel threatened. You’re being a little dramatic, and seem startled and angry she could do such a thing. Five kids five moms five texts? Is five your favorite number? Why not thirty kids? Thirty texts? A hundred?
My teacher said its fine to climb mountains, but don’t try to climb molehills. Instead, step over them. Do you feel a deep insecurity that he still has feelings for her? Or are you just pissed off someone poked into your happy dance? If its the latter, suck it up, we all have baggage. If its the former, talk it out, hug it out with him. Face whatever is there kindly, sort it out. She is an ex after all. Leave her and her “appropriateness” behind you where it belongs. Don’t you have brighter songs to sing?
Sorry if you wanted some allies for a war with his kid’s mother. We respect you too much to do that. Rather, its OK that you’re freaking out a little, scared, but don’t go overboard. Just address it, move on.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantStarfish,
Whether it was a lash or a hook or a hug, I say she deserves a hug back. Its tough to raise kids. The text she sent is false, though. He didn’t make her a mother, she’s always been one. A rose is a rose whether its a sprout, a bud, or a bloom.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantThe Thinker,
The option to wait isn’t allowed because you’re ready? What about her thoughts, feelings and opinions? It may be a language thing. 🙂 If she’s fearful, consider setting aside your strong opinions on what matters and listen to her side of things. It will be good practice for the caring attention that you’ll need to be a dad.
Have you considered couple’s counselling? The question “should I have a baby or leave my wife?” says to me that there are perhaps some issues you would do well to look at more closely before trying to answer that.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantLost,
I didn’t mean to imply her side doesn’t have feelings, how would I know that? Consider, she is planning out a new phase in her life with you in it, and is perhaps excited enough to be free that she might unintentionally overlook your hesitation and need for space. Like, her desire to be free might blind her a little to your side of things, so speak up!
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantMarc,
Apologies in advance if this stings. Consider that perhaps you’ve made a web in your brain of what the world should be, and become agitated when the world doesn’t live up to your expectations. This habitual judgment sits you like a spider in the center of the web, waiting for another experience to fly in and wiggle the web so you can jump on it and suck the blood. Without metaphor, perhaps your ego has a rigid view of what is supposed to be, and when something arises that conflicts with that, you begin tearing it apart to feed your sense of what should be.
The problem with approaching life in this way is there is very little space for you to relax. Always a new experience that needs your attention, another moment that requires you to slam your gavel down and decide what it all means. So busy, so full, sorting out endless stacks of proof, who has the space or time to enjoy?
To deconstruct this habit, consider two activities. One, contemplate warm humility. All of us are foolish, stumbling around looking for happiness and contentment, learning as we try and try. Sometimes failing, sometimes succeeding. For me, this is best illustrated by kids learning their ABC’s. Their mind starts completely ignorant of what letter is what. And each one learns at their own pace. The first kid to memorize the letters isn’t better or worse than the last. Many factors play into the speed of learning, and none of those factors make one kid more or less acceptable or lovable than any other. For us to stand over the kids telling them they are smart or stupid is a waste of effort.
The second is to cultivate warm feelings for those that are learning, such as sitting and wishing the people in our life find happiness, wisdom, and peace (including ourselves). May we learn without unnecessary struggle, may we find our authentic smile, and so forth. Consider “Sharon salzberg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested.
These practices together can help you unweave that web, open up the narrow minded quality of “only X is good”, and more easily let go of all that proof you’ve been seeking. Said differently, as an HSP, there is a lot of data coming in, so it helps to make space for it to flow in and flow out without jumping on it, grabbing for proof.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantLost,
It sounds to me like you do know your feelings, but perhaps there are just a lot of other forces pushing and pulling on those feelings. Consider: it is only a party if all the people involved are enjoying the dance. If she is pushing you to commit more than you’re ready, its your job to honor your desire by putting on the breaks. You can do it gently, such as asking her to slow down while you get your bearings. Or, more forcefully, such as taking a break from the relationship, and then stretching your wings a little to see what you want to do from there.
A good guideline is: if you aren’t comfortable with something, step back and take a breath. Or 50. With some troubled history behind you, and social pressures confounding your sexuality, it makes sense that you need time to figure out what you want. Lots of voices saying “do this, do that”, but what do you want to do? That’s the voice that needs space to sing out. If your partner can understand that and give you some space to get your bearings, great! If not, get your bearings anyway. She’s not your boss, or parent. And you deserve to be far more than someone else’s escape plan!
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantJojo,
Perhaps check out Brene Brown’s TED talk “The Power of Vulnerability”. It may help you find what you’re looking for.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantGreenleaf,
Consider that we can stare down the first slap, and forgive it. We can accept that whatever causes them to act that way, its painful for them, too. Like, the financial dodging indicates something amiss in a relative, and that sucks on its own. That’s family, right? Consider that if they happen to treat family oddly, who knows what mess they’ve made for themselves. With such empathy, we can refuse to let our intention of loving be interrupted by their action and just take the offense and toss it out, forgive it. “Yep, that’s shitty, and now trust is bruised, but whatever. How are you doing?”
That way, we only take the one slap. The next time we see them, its less painful for us, doesn’t reinjure, just echoes a little, fades. And, maybe next time, your compass will indicate earlier. Maybe it even did. 🙂
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantMaloret,
Its very normal and usual to experience anxiety after going through difficult and toxic experiences. To me, it seems like you’re experiencing anxiety about anxiety, as though the fearful thoughts and feelings don’t belong, so you worry you’ll worry forever. This keeps you away from healing the initial trauma. Attention on the pain, rather than the bruise.
Consider, for instance, the toxic relationship with your ex-boyfriend. Something is/was clearly disturbed on his side, lots of undealt with hibbertyjab that he has yet to work through, and instead of dealing well, he took it out on you. People do that, its common. The maloret that went through the “toxic dumping” was perhaps confused, didn’t know what to do, and so just spun with it for awhile. Like, he’d turn off his phone, and you’d be left dumbfounded with “why”s and “what?”s and “what do I do next”s and so forth. Like an engine with nowhere to go, inner tension “something is not right”, and then stewing, spinning.
Consider a twofold healing process. One, notice and accept both sides, and then forgive both sides. Like, “I don’t know why you dumped all that crap on me, but may you be free of whatever was going on for you.” And “I don’t know why I did what I did with it, but may I be free of whatever was going on.”
The second step is preparedness, such as reading about toxic relationships, healthy relationships, boundaries, healthy communication, and so on. Residual anxiety is often the fear that the experience will happen again, that the first experience made us “just so”. Like, you remained in an abusive relationship, therefore are prone to abusive relationships. This simply isn’t true, and more information can help reveal that. For instance, if you read a few relationship books, the girl that went through those experiences with confusion goes away. You learn some things, and as you do, grow out of the girl that was. Such as, even if you met another mugger after taking a personal defense class, it wouldn’t be the same type of experience at all on your side. Much less confusion, much less disorientation, much less panic.
As far as the other tendrils of anxiety that are showing up, my guess is much of that will go away once you take back control, rekindle your self-confidence. Like, if the situation happened again, what would you do differently? When you have an answer that isn’t “roll over”, there won’t be space for anxiety to grab hold.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantGreenleaf,
I’m a little rusty, but I’ll give it a shot. 🙂 Consider that perhaps you’re projecting your financial insecurity onto your relative. You’re clearly altruistic, and so I have no doubt that if you had tons of money in the bank, this wouldn’t blip much for you. Perhaps “well, I knew what they were like when I started, so, ah well, live and learn, paid education.”
If the above is true for you, then notice how even if their side stayed the same, if your side shifted, the emotional and mental response to them would be freer, lighter, simple. Said differently, they are not the cause of your financial issues, so don’t associate them with it, and it should fade presently. They are one more example of the kind of karmic entanglements you’re learning to let go of. Like, if it wasn’t them personally, you would attract someone else to play a similar role for you until the lesson you need is learned.
Addressing the root, or the need behind the current dischord requires information you didn’t offer. My guess, you’ve lost some trust in your heart, and at some point turned left instead of right. Went south instead of north. Checked your inner compass, and it said no, but other influences pursuaded you to say yes. Perhaps the old company left a bad taste in your mouth? Felt ousted? Aimless?
More likely, you outgrew them, and fortune favored your path by pushing you out of the nest. Right? What do you really want to be doing? Why aren’t you doing that? Been a little distracted?
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantCheryyblossom,
I can understand the disappointment in not being celebrated by our loved ones. That your loved ones appear to be conniving instead, ouch! Consider that the act of conniving is painful for the heart, and produces many clouds. Like, they get wrapped up in money, forget what is important, miss out on the joy. Too busy fighting over their inherited stuff to be present. That they don’t have the space or warmth to give you a good hug and share love isn’t surprising, and has nothing to do with your lovablilty, your accomplishments, or you. Just them and their rainclouds.
Instead of looking to them for that sense of celebration, consider celebrating your own growth. Do you keep a gratitude journal? A cherryyblossom in the spring is one of the most beautiful, make sure she knows it!
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantAfxlaw,
I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand the emptiness of a drained heart. Sometimes when we are looking all around us for the light of love, we forget to look down at our own chest. There, most times, we see a lighthouse shining. Said differently, you ask when the good karma will come around and bring peace and contentment. My counter question to you is: when will afxlaw’s heart and well being be as important to you as other people’s heart and well being?
You seem practiced at being generous and giving, which is great. Perhaps its time for you to focus that tenderness on yourself? What do you like to do? Who are you? What makes you happy? Not “why aren’t people making me happy?” The first four questions are like lanterns along the path of joy. The last question is always answered “because they can’t, no one can give another happiness”.
Namaste, good luck.
With warmth,
Matt -
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