Dimple,

I’m sorry form your suffering, dear sister, and know how terrible a broken heart feels. It seems like you fell in love with a dud…. a man that is unable to commit or be honest. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that it is very normal and usual to weep when we grieve. You had some beautiful dreams of a life with that man, and now the dream crumbles. This is very sad, sorrowful, and its OK to cry. Just keep in mind and heart that the tears won’t last forever, grief is a process that takes time.

To help the grief settle, consider spending some time doing things you enjoy. Remember you had a lot of sources of happiness before he ever came along. When you were a girl and young lady, you had hobbies and interests that sparkled and glowed as you played. As he came along, perhaps more and more of those were set aside as “he” became the source of your happiness. Said differently, before he came along you had a dream, and its time to remember it! After you got into a relationship with him, perhaps he became the center of your dream, and so now that he is wishy washy and distant, it seems like your dream is leaving, gone, fading. This isn’t so, dear sister, the dream is something your heart will blossom with again in time.

So be patient with yourself, gentle, tender. Let the tears fall, let the anger and frustration rise and fade, let the thoughts come and go. Surround yourself with beauty and loved ones, and just let your heart grieve. The big questions, such as “what do I do with my life”, “how do I find lasting love and romance”, “what did I do wrong to get in such a state”…. let those go for now. Those answers won’t help the pain, dear one. Comfort, beauty, spaciousness and hugs will, and as your heart settles and comes to terms with what is really there, those answers will be much easier (less painful) to approach.

While on one hand I am deeply sorry for your loss, on the other I have to admit that I am glad that a noble and loyal heart such as yours didn’t get shackled to him. When you find a man that can dream alongside you, I think you’ll look back and be very glad you didn’t settle for someone that doesn’t respect you.

With warmth,
Matt

Clare,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand how empty the world around us can look sometimes. Sometimes when we don’t have many heartfelt connections, our sense of isolation and purposelessness becomes overwhelming, and it feels like there is no hope. Don’t despair, dear sister, there is always a path to joy. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Buddha taught that we have a fundamental ignorance of how to find balance and peace. We’re born with a few instincts, but the rest we have to learn from our parents and teachers. So we get a mix of helpful and unhelpful patterns, views, strategies. Said differently, there is no shame in a full blown hands in the air “what in the world is happening, what is wrong, what do I do?” because finding a path to happiness tricky.

This is especially difficult when we’ve had a parent that uses shame as a punishment. We all make mistakes, and when a trusted loved one makes us feel bad for making mistakes, it can lead us to think of ourselves as flawed. As though something is inherently wrong with us or the world, and nothing can make it right. Luckily, that is bullshit. We’re learning and growing, and making mistakes is part of the process. Even big ones, sometimes.

But what to do in the here and now? Perhaps we find some acceptance of where we are, who we are, but we still have a whole life to navigate… some strategy to use, apply. So, what do we do?

Clare, you have an incredible amount of passion. Right now it perhaps seems like you’re lethargic, desireless, or aimless, but that’s because you’ve been suppressing your passion. Consider that you LOVE people, and wish to have deep heartfelt connections with them. That is such a blessing, dear sister, because your dreams are of connection, sharing… not diamonds and fans. But, because you’re in an environment where no one seems to be making the first move, instead of acting on that desire to connect, you choke it down. It doesn’t feel safe to just open up, and so you stay bottled up, perhaps lonely and hoping that you’ll be seen.

Buddha taught that the sangha (community) was one of the pillars of growth, for exactly the reason you’re voicing. If we don’t have anyone to share our vision with, our passion, our hopes and dreams… then we can begin to lose them, give up on them. When we were kids, playing with a doll or truck alone soon got boring, but if we had a playmate, the creativity would bounce back and forth and keep the story fresh and moving. Said differently, its no wonder you’re feeling ishy about your path, perhaps you’ve been playing alone for a long time.

To break free is quite simple, but takes practice. You become the light you’re seeking. Instead of looking and wishing (“no one cares about each other, wah wah wah”) we blossom and jump. Said differently, when you feel like your parents or siblings or friends aren’t caring, be the caring one. Be open, heartfelt, light. You see the potential, see how they maybe don’t see it, and try to help them see it through your example. For instance, say your mother calls you and talks about some empty gossipy thing. Instead of being agitated that she isn’t hearing you or seeing you, and is lost in some story, consider asking her to hear you, or say something to her from the heart. Gratitude and love often glow brightly for us, so if mom is chit chatting about nothing, and you retell some story from your childhood that shares how much you appreciate her, it could help steer the conversation to warmer, heartfelt things. With friends, often times the first step is in listening to them closely, letting their words connect to you, to matter to you. As we open our heart to them in this way, it often goes a long way to helping the relationship grow from acquaintances to friends. You don’t have to delve into deep secrets and so on if you don’t feel trusting, but you can be warm, friendly, open. Doing these kind of things can really help us remain open and passionate with people.

You might say that doing that requires a lot of strength, a lot of passion. Consider for a moment that perhaps the negativity you’re experiencing is actually your bottled up passion. You wish for heartfelt connection, dont act on it, and instead stuff the desire down. Then, the resentment you feel, the negativity, mirrors the strength of your wanting to connect. Said differently, perhaps the resentment comes from your needs going unmet, your passion staying bottled. If you uncorked it, not only could all that momentum put some spring in your step, but the negativity will decrease as the pressure releases. For instance, if you had 10 heartfelt moments with people, then one “meh” moment, it would be easier to get back up, smile, and feel content that you tried your best. Its harder when its 100 “meh” for every one heartfelt moment.

Finally, consider taking up a metta meditation practice. Metta is a loving, friendly warmth that arises in the chest, and is the earnest wish for people to be happy, safe and loved. It grows a deep heartfelt connection to yourself, and helps increase the glow of our compassion and joy. Consider that when we spend time thinking about happiness, we help produce happiness in the body. First we think the thoughts, then we feel the feelings. So, as we envision ourselves happy, other people happy, our emotions follow along and we feel peaceful, smooth and happy. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” if interested.

Remember, the family at tiny buddha can offer a spark, but it is your tender fingers that must grow your light. Namaste, sister, may you find peace.

With warmth,
Matt

He refers to it in other places, but the often referred to sutta is the acintita sutta.
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/an/an04/an04.077.than.html

Also, consider Chogyam Trungpa’s “The Myth of Freedom” if interested, if I remember correctly, he delves into the cause/effect of staring at karma in that book.

Happy hunting!

Naomi,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and know how draining racing thoughts can become. Letting go of a thought is tricky, because when we attend the thought in that way, we give it strength. Instead, letting go is about removing the concentration directed at the thought. Consider perhaps moving back to the sense of the breath, such as the feeling of the air moving past your nostrils, the rising and fading of coolness deep in your nasal area, or the rising and falling of the abdomen. Attend the feeling instead, and the thoughts become like ripples. Breath, in… a thought jumps in… don’t be frustrated with yourself, don’t be harsh with yourself… just watch the nature of the mind, and gently move back to the breath. The ripples are normal, thoughts jumping in, pulling your attention away from the breath. The practice really is about moving the attention back to the breath, gently, as the attention strays. If the agitation remains strong, such as a few moments after the thought pulls you away, you begin following it along such as “breath, oh, what is for dinner, well last night we had chicken, so tonight maybe pasta. Oh, but pasta has all those carbs, but we did get that whole grain pasta…..” then consider a counting breath exercise. Ajahn Jayasaro has a counting breaths instruction on YouTube if you’re interested/in need.

Consider also starting with a metta meditation before attempting mindfulness cultivation. Buddha taught that metta (the feeling of loving friendship) helps the mind develop concentration quickly, and the mind becomes more like an open field with little blossoms within it. Said differently, “letting go” is much more like “letting be”, where we don’t push away or pull in the thought, we simply let it be and it goes. Also, metta meditation helps with anxiety, because it repatterns the mind to think friendly thoughts instead of fearful ones. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” if interested.

Finally, Rome wasn’t built in a day. Consider you’ve had quite some time to get good at being anxious, it will take time for it to recede. This is normal, usual, and not an indicator that something is not working correctly. Just about every meditator struggles with the difference between letting go of a thought and settling into the breath. So be patient with yourself, loving, gentle… you deserve your tender attentions.

With warmth,
Matt

Oops, double post!

• This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by Matt.

Dee,

I’m sorry for your difficulties, and understand how complex working with our children can be, especially when they are grown. On one hand, you love him and wish to see his world blossom. On the other he is a man, and is responsible for figuring out his way, has autonomy, and is good at hiding. Add in the feelings of failing him as a parent and being part of what lead him to where he is…. whew, what a mess of needs and feelings! It makes sense why this would be a difficult situation to approach with wisdom. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Often times when we are trying to help someone overcome their tangles, it is important to start by sitting with them on their side. We settle, let go and release our side, and just look at what their situation is like for them. For instance, “video game addict” is on your side. On his side, some need is being met by video games, some desire or yearning is becoming satisfied as he engages in that kind of action. What is it? What is he getting from all of that fantasy that touches him in such and such a way?

Consider that because it gives him nourishment, he will protect it with whatever tools he has. However, don’t let those distract you from what you know is right. For instance, when he was 4, perhaps he might want to have candy for dinner. You tell him no, that he needs a balanced meal. Then, he throws a temper tantrum to try to get the sweets. Perhaps he holds his breath, stomps his feet, tells you he doesn’t love you, or cries. “Yes, my son, tantrum all you wish… the candy will not be your dinner.” You know, and see, that his desire is not healthy for him, and so absorb his tantrum with love, and remain resolute in your wisdom.

Now, the game has changed a little, but only a little. You see him eating candy for his food (gaming, movies, escapism) and know he needs more vegetables. He needs to be responsible, find balance, grow. So you aim your heart at him and try to reach out, and he throws a tantrum. With his expertise at playing games and manipulating systems, its no wonder that his tools these days are more effective. Stomping his feet has become “oh, I’m failing as a person, well what do you expect with you as a mother?” Holding his breath has become (perhaps) using photoediting or hacking to change the grades he shows to you. The “I don’t love you” perhaps hasn’t changed much, but that’s effective at any age. And so on. Tantrums, him defending his turf, his pattern, his ego… but no where is it about you.

Seeing this, sitting with it, remembering it… helps to keep your attention focused on what those vegetables are, and how to get your kid to clean his darn plate. Said differently, you only want to see him happy and healthy, whatever that might look like for him, but have the challenge of skillfully helping him. Perhaps consider a two part strategy.

First, consider a mantra or prayer when you are outside of the situation, well nurtured and stable. “May my dear son find his unique way toward fulfilment and joy. May the conditions blossom for me, where I might be of service to his growth, where my light may reach his heart and help him find courage and strength to break free from his unhealthy patterns. May we be well, happy, peaceful and feel loved.” Feel free to switch it up, or let whatever language and heartfelt hope you have shine through. The main focus is only that you see him with loving kindness, wish him growth along his unique path, and accept yourself as offering light to that end. As you think these thoughts with sincerity, they become interwoven with your intentions, such as planting seeds in an open field. This allows the emotions to stabilize, become strong. Much like giving water to a sapling helps its roots grow deep, putting compassionate energy behind a vision helps it to grow.

The second piece is what to do when you’re with him, how to relate to him. Consider aiming for a balance of gentlness, forgiveness and stability. Accept the tantrum, but don’t be distracted by the hooks tossed at you. “Yes, son, I know you are afraid, angry, and confused. My compassion is stronger than your fears, and light dispells shadow”. Then, say whatever it is that comes to heart. Be gentle, accepting of who he is, try to sit with him on his side… but remain emotionally rooted in wishing to see him blossom. Be heartfelt, and say it. Where something came to heart before, and you became scared and clamped down… be courageous, and share it instead. Accept that his response will be full of information, either helping you understand his issues and joys more directly, or at least catharsis. Said differently, if you accept those stones or hooks or manipulations with compassion, they will be more likely to settle for him, be heard, and released. For instance, perhaps you might tell him his room smells. He responds “my room is a mess because you (never made me clean/always cleaned for me) and so its your fault. Leave me alone.” In your mind, thoughts spin “oh no! maybe it is, what do I do, what did I do, why am I a failure as a mother”. That’s the hook, that’s the painfulness of the stone. So, breathe, let those thoughts go and reconnect to the vision of him being unhappy, here and now. Perhaps the heart would pop up with “well, I hear you, it must be tough. Consider though that when your girlfriend comes over, if it smells nice she might be more excitable, which could be more fun for you than playing world of Warcraft. Just keep it in mind, good luck!”

Then, let it go. Let it be. Trust that as you offer compassion and light, you do your best. We can’t force a bud to blossom, or a child to become an adult. It has to happen as the conditions are right. Responding from a compassionate view with gentle light helps those conditions, interweaves with them, and yet it still takes time. So be patient… it takes kids a long time to learn the alphabet, and even longer to figure out balance.

Namaste, dee, I hope the other pieces in your garden are blossoming with light and peace.

With warmth,
Matt

Jen,

In addition to Kinny’s words, consider that perhaps you’re already giving it power with all of the fear that’s connected to it. That being said, I respect your privacy, and hope you find conclusivness and peace.

With warmth,
Matt

Cyd,

It makes sense to me why you’d reach out to your ex to share happy moments. Sometimes when we get excited, we want to share that excitement with others. However, where to go next is really up to you. Your post was a little lacking in some details that would help aim, but a few possibilities that come to heart are:

If you wish to maintain a friendship with the ex, but still feel uncomfortable because of your history, consider spending some time wishing her happiness. By wishing that she finds joy on her path, you naturally let go of the icky memories and feelings. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” for an example of a loving kindness meditation, which helps to grow that well wishing.

If you want different people to share happy moments with, consider exploring some local groups that share intrests with you. Often times we can find like minded people that share at least one interest with us, and often more. Perhaps get out there and shake some hands! Friends sometimes just fall into our life, but many times we have to find them.

If you have a lot of friends, but just don’t feel like you’re close enough to them to open up and share those moments with, consider giving it a try. Often times our friends have the same hesitation to be heartfelt, and it takes a jump of courage to break the ice.

Feel free to ignore or reject anything that doesn’t fit, or write back with whatever details seem important to you. Good luck!

With warmth,
Matt