Sapna,

I’m sorry for your suffering, dear sister, and can understand your “split” or the feeling of being happy with yourself, but fearful when you connect. Sometimes when we’re recovering from codependency habits we can feel like we’re happy and strong alone or in surface level friendships, but having to hold back the need to grab on and latch on to others. This is normal, usual and heals with time and a little effort. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that you’ve had many years of the old patterns, where you neglected yourself, sacrificed yourself. This has perhaps lead you to mistrust yourself. If you had been in an abusive relationship with a man, then consider how the next man would scare you. “Will he abuse me too?” “Are all men the same? Violent? Neglectful?”. Here though, perhaps it isn’t the other that scares you, but yourself. “Can I love and express myself without falling into codependency?”

The answer, sadly, is yes and no. Because you’re still settling old patterns of neglect, learning to love yourself completely, the feeling of being “safe” in your own skin and heart is slow growing. That’s normal, dear sister, it takes time. Consider perhaps that you’re scared of your codependency, and so try to avoid situations or relationships that might endanger you, that might cause the latching on, losing yourself again.

That’s just fear, and can settle with time, as you begin to trust yourself again. Consider that you might latch, but that you know what to do if that happens. Self nurture, accepting your light grows only when you grow it… not because of his love or their laughter or someone tells you that you’re good or funny or loved. Sapna, loving yourself is a journey of loving and accepting the whole picture. Perhaps because of the sticky and painful experiences, you’re still angry with yourself, which pushes the mistrust. For instance “How could I be so stupid to act codependently?” or “Sure, people like the happy me, but the sad me has no space in their heart, and therefore deserves no space in mine.” All normal stuff to be happening, not a big deal, not broken… just limping. 🙂

Consider the solution is what you’ve already been doing (but neglecting a little perhaps with all the attention and bustle of friendships and laughter). Deepen your care of Sapna, dear sister. Don’t blame yourself for your patterns, don’t be harsh with yourself. Be kind, be gentle, be tender. Even with your codependency, even with your history. You’ve been through the worst of it, dear friend, because now you have strong nurturing skills, so even if you do latch and get all bedazzled by the connections, any crash will be met by your tender hands.

That being said, recovering from codependency isn’t about having no needs, not having hopes and dreams of what a relationship means, or being unwilling or unable to ask your friends and partner for help, attention and caring. Instead, its taking time to self nurture, do your best, and if you need some comfort in his arms or in their heart, to ask for it. The main issue with codependency, in my opinion, isn’t the latching and chaos. Its the fear we have that others only love us for our strength, and so we become scared to express our needs and desires.

Being strong isn’t having no needs, no fears… strength is having them, and talking about them, asking for a hug when we need a hug, a meal when we need a meal. It only turns codependent when we feel so unvalued and unheard that we burst, and need that hug right now or we’ll explode. Perhaps we sit there “i need a hug, i need a hug, i need a hug” in the mind, but are afraid to express it out loud, so instead of asking, then patiently waiting for our hug, we begin bashing and thrashing when someone doesn’t have the hug we need right that second. That’s when we get back in the tub, put on some music, and let our bodies relax.

Finally, consider that there is no such thing as the happy personality vs the codependent personality. Instead, when you are feeling nourished, stable, perhaps you feel happy. When things are scary, when you feel vulnerable, when you are trying to speak the things that come to heart… its more slippery for you, more wild. That’s normal, friend, and settles with time. Its all you, sapna, from grime to sparkle, warmth and coldness, and its all OK, lovable, and there is space in our hearts to embrace you as is. Consider that your codependency patterns don’t make you less lovable to yourself or others, less deserving…. it only makes it feel that way.

So keep walking, smiling and crying. Your emotions are beautiful, don’t be afraid of them! Just tend your needs, ask for help when you need it, be authentic… and with time you’ll figure out balance. I believe in you, Sapna, do you?

With warmth,
Matt

Prakhar,

To let go of the grudges takes time, and it is beautiful that you can see how its hurting your heart. That’s a huge first step. Consider how many times you’ve done things unskillfully, out of ignorance and negative thinking. She is the same. She taunts you because she is a fool, just like you. Doing and saying things that aren’t loving, because she doesn’t know how that hurts you and her. And, its not your place to teacher her. Instead, it is your place to forgive her for her actions. This isn’t because of something she deserves, but as you sigh and accept that she acts like a bitch sometimes for who knows why, you can be free from resentment. The metta meditation will help you with this if you keep at it. The grudge a mountain that erodes with your patient effort to be free.

Good luck, brother, may your journey blossom with hope and light.

With warmth,
Matt

Prakhar,

I’m sorry for your suffering, dear brother. It seems to be that these various fears you have come forward quite often. Consider that the ocd and gcd and whatknot push your mind into negative thinking. You’re really creative, inventing fantasy after fantasy with your fears. And, sadly, sometimes those fantasies come true. The fantasies perhaps are trying to prepare you for the worst, protect your tender heart from the unknown. However, the fantasies aren’t helping you, just distracting you. Much like a broken clock is right twice a day (if you remember clocks with hands 🙂 ), sometimes our fantasies do come true. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that your brain is caught in a cycle of negative grasping, or “looking for the bad”. That’s normal, and many people do that. Consider reading up on “positive self talk”, there is a lot of information on Google that may help. Also, have you shared your mental habits with a trusted doctor? Have they given you exercises or things to do? Medication? Allergy testing? (My son had “ocd” that turned out to be an allergy to red food dye). Instead of focusing on the girl, or the number 3, or whatever else springs into and clogs your brain, consider stepping aside, seeing the habits, and saying “OK, what do I do with this intense mind of mine?”

With warmth,
Matt

Also, don’t be afraid to ask him to nurture you. “Ok buddy, you helped make this mess, would you mind helping it settle? Rub my shoulders? Feet? Help me relax, and feel well loved?”

Thank you for the kind words, Marie, and you’re welcome! 🙂

Tulips,

It sounds more like mutual combat than abuse, but the lines of war are often blurry. When you were lying there with him, what caused you to lash out? What is the deep resentment that entangles you?

I agree that counselling is a great idea. You both sound like you could use some help communicating and accepting, as well as disagreeing without violence. Also, consider reading (also an audio book) Thich Nhat Hahn’s “True Love: A Practice for Opening the Heart” or Pema Chodron’s “Don’t Bite the Hook”. Both are beautiful and full of deep insight into intimacy, connection, and compassion.

With warmth,
Matt

Marie,

I’m sorry for your anxiety, and understand how insecurities can take control of our brain and send us on a wild goose chase of fantasy and pain. Sometimes when we have a general feeling of “unsafe” or “uprooted” (such as being away from home, long distance relationships, learning a lot of dense or complicated materials) our anxiety can grab on to our creativity and begin painting in dark hues. This is normal and usual, and is not difficult to untangle, but does take some effort. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Its awesome that you see “the latching”, because that really is at the root of it. Often we think that the external circumstances are the source of our spinning, but most of the time its internal, in the grasping, latching.

For example, imagine you are in a wide open field with your boyfriend. The sun is shining, flowers blooming, birds chirping. You two are simply exploring, dancing, laughing, spinning in circles, and stop and sit down for a minute to rest. Out of the corner of your eye, you see a butterfly, and get up and dart off to investigate. The butterfly lands on your hand, and you turn to show your boyfriend, and laugh because he didn’t follow you, and is still sitting, relaxing.

In a different situation, imagine you and your boyfriend are walking down a crowded street. Car horns are blaring, people are bustling, sky is stormy. Suddenly, you hear a loud bang, and reach for your boyfriend’s hand, but its not there. Immediate panic flashes, and you turn and see him standing right there… he just didn’t notice your hand.

In the two examples, there was a reach from you to him. One, from a place of curiosity and wonder, you reached out wanting to share the beauty of the butterfly. The other, you reached out from a place of fear, wanting to feel secure, safe, home. In this way, connecting with our partner can be a sharing or a securing. Said differently, when you are feeling secure and safe, curious in an open field, the “not there” or “missed reach” isn’t met with panic, its met with patience, acceptance. When insecure, its no wonder that its met with panic. If, for instance, after the loud bang, you had to wait hours and hours to find out why his hand wasn’t there, how many dark fantasies can your creativity paint in the meantime?

The solution is again simple, but takes effort. We cultivate the field inside us. Said differently, the feeling of insecurity comes from being out of tune with our senses, so we bring our attention back to them. Sometimes it appears as though the environment is producing our anxiety, but that’s only our senses picking up new and unusual things, people, and places, and producing fantasy from our fears and hopes. So, when beginning to cycle with dark fantasies, consider “This is just the unknown” and move your attention back to your senses, specifically the feeling of breath in your body. The air moving past the nostrils, deep in the cavity behind the eyes, or the rising and falling of the abdomen… letting the fantasies come up, but just as ripples, nothing to do with them, just notice their empty nature and move back to the feeling of breath.

Proactivly, if you can spare a few minutes in the morning, consider starting a metta meditation practice. Metta is the sense or feeling of loving and warm friendship, and is much like a “field of wildflowers” for the heart. As we practice metta, we envision good things for ourselves and others, and this helps our mind become smooth and peaceful. This will help the fantasies have less gravity or pull, as well as wake up the playful, bouncy girl that has been a little swamped by stress.

Finally, don’t be ashamed of your insecurities, fears or confusion. Buddha taught that we have a fundamental ignorance on how to find the path of balance and joy, and so failure and fear very naturally arise for almost all of us as we bumble and grow our garden. Yours is already quite vibrant and beautiful, dear sister, so there’s no need for “what is wrong with me?!?” Nothing is wrong with you that isn’t a problem for almost everyone. 🙂

Namaste, sister, may your life blossom with peace and patience.

With warmth,
Matt

Jonathan,

My wife is in sales, and I’ve watched her have to find the balance between making a sale, and trying to connect people to tools and innovations they actually need. Said differently, sales can be about connecting and mutually fulfilling needs, such as you making sales that are about the client, where their needs are met by your product or service. The other is more pushy, moving product, saving up for the toy, and whatnot. My wife has found that surrendering into the former produces a strong sense of fulfillment for her, and getting distracted by the he later produces the void.

If you’re already committed to the client needs, and not pushy or quota-ey, then perhaps your heart just wants to give even more. Consider charity work, being a mentor, or some other way of giving back to the world. My teacher said that generocity brings joy, and perhaps looking for ways to be generous would help.

Finally, its plausible that the void is some other need going unmet. Do you self nurture? Is your relationship to your partner/children/family secure and joyous? Do you spend time playing, having fun and laughing? Eat healthy? Sometime we think we have a big existential crisis in front of us, when all we need is more vitamin B, or whatnot.

With warmth,
Matt