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MattParticipantMiracle88,
I’m sorry for your suffering, and know how difficult criticism can be to work with sometimes. On one hand, we do wish to become more skillful, “polish”, and on the other, we want to know what we have, are, is beautiful now. Teachers that are teachers, such as their heart is really into teaching, manage this balance well. Helping the student see their beauty in total, stepping in tune and out of tune as we learn, helping the student hone themselves.
Teachers that are artists, such as the heart rests with the dance itself, often strike harder. Their attention is on the precision, the lines, the harmonies, often ignoring the students. If you can toughen up a little, accepting her stick is meant to see the dance brighten, then it won’t feel as personal. For her, it sounds like it is about seeing the dance done with more precision, rather than helping you see your own beauty as a dancer.
The solution is accepting that your beauty as a dancer is already vibrant, radiant, because you love doing it. The skillfulness, your practice, even enduring the harshness of your teacher… perhaps all because the song calls to your heart, the dance wants to be danced through you. Even so, you’re far more than a dancer, and “being a great dancer” isn’t what makes you beautiful. You’re beautiful because you do what you love, and that shows to anyone looking. Have you been looking? If you let yourself, the painfulness of the sensitivity will perhaps diminish, accepted as part of the grace that keeps you in tune with the dance.
Namaste, sister, may your steps be content and peaceful.
With warmth,
MattAugust 2, 2014 at 10:39 am in reply to: can someone define love and show how to love myself and others #62451MattParticipantRahel,
Don’t give up, just keep going. The questions of “why” remind me of a story. There is a doctor, who has a patient come in onto the table with a poisoned arrow in her leg. She demands that she learns why she was shot with the arrow, what were the causes, why is this happening. The poison makes her deluded, feverish. The doctor would be foolish to answer her questions, and instead aims at removing the arrow.
The reasons, questions, you’re offering is why I suggest moving toward metta meditation. Now that you’re seeing “unkempt mind”, its time to tidy it up!
With warmth,
MattAugust 2, 2014 at 6:58 am in reply to: can someone define love and show how to love myself and others #62448MattParticipantRahel,
What you’re describing is all very normal and usual. From the my point of viea, you’re doing fantastic. Bravo! Don’t be afraid of “backsliding”, that’s not what’s happening. The feeling “normal” to feeling “discomfort” is part of the process. Normal steps.
To help with the thousands of thoughts, consider switching to metta meditation. Metta means friendship, loving kindness, and is a feeling we can grow. As we cultivate metta, we silence the thousands of thoughts down to a few simple ones, and the mind grows peaceful, smooth. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube. Twice a day for a week should provide a lot of noticeable relief. The key is to give as much authenticity to the meditation as you can. Slowly, the mind becomes more peaceful.
Said differently, directly:
Step 1) “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube.
Step 2) Give hugs, as often as you can manage, to yourself and anyone you love.
Step 3) Peace grows slowly, directly, predictably.Good luck! Keep going, you’re doing awesome. The difference already is humbling, inspiring. Namaste, sis!
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantAllan,
Everything I know of happens for a reason(s), but I don’t see it as “meaningful”, more as “in tune”. My teacher called it auspicious coincidence, favorable moments. When we feel a heartfelt call and act, we often find things aligning. It doesn’t mean she’s destined to be a romance, more likely to show you how strong you’ve become, how peaceful. Its good not to throw emotions in a basket, we need them. 🙂
Said differently, it sounds like you had a nice day. Maybe simply be grateful it went well? Much more than that might just open wounds that are still fresh, tender. Consider that if you keep on with the self growth, you’ll be better prepared when the time comes, no matter who your dance partner happens to be.
Namaste, brother, may your equanimity grow rich from all your wonderful efforts.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantJasmine,
Glinda who?
Lurker,
Its not your presence that rubs her wrongly, it seems that you are unintentionally attacking her well, her view of the world. Trying to help her see something new, pulling at the space where she feels safe.
When I first met my wife, she was similar. Not self hateful, but scared. Would toss up deceptions to keep her self safe, protected, unseen. This bothered me a lot, honesty is important for intimacy, plus, her lies smelled false, didn’t fit right, stuck in my mind. I asked a teacher if I should throw in the towel, give up, look for someone more direct, forthright. He told me that deceptions are protections, and go away when we feel safe. Could I accept that if she gets scared she lies? I could, did, and the relationship has been more than I could have dreamed for. Many hugs, many “hmmm, that feels off, but whatever happened, dear love, I am here for you.” Her honesty, and heart, bloomed slowly as we danced. She saw she had nothing to hide, nothing to fear, and the clouds disbursed.
From another direction, consider just being validating. You speak of helping her find self love, but then don’t accept her self as is. Instead of “oh, but wait, if only you could see how to”, consider “it makes sense why you would have those feelings.” It does make sense, she makes sense. You would be the same as her if you had gone through/had the same conditions. Give her that part of you, and if she is ever ready to approach her sticky bits, she’ll know she has a good friend to talk to about it.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantHehe, just remember, you asked for it! Brought the four of you into a contemplation and had some visions.
Inky – you appear before me as an amazon warrior princess. Full of magma, intense love, intense passion, the mother of volcanoes. Well honed, spear held confidently in hand. Fighting for space you already have, sometimes so caught up in the hunt that you forget the forest is alive, part of you. Friends with birds, rodents, but still jumping, turning icy, when roared at. Lions roar, birds chirp, rodents squeek, and there is the queen, poised, ready.
Jasmine – you appear before me as Glinda, the good witch from Oz. Bright, vibrant wings, an aura of white. Never really getting too involved with the lives of munchkins, but laying a spell here and there as needed. Sometimes forgetting how arduous walking can be, “why, just float toward the sun, silly ones.” But always there when needed, tireless in your loving, a force of nature.
The Ruminant – you appear before me as Hermione, from the Harry Potter stories. A wand that never seems to miss, strong through many years of attentive practice. Shy in matters of romance, uncertain that a mind as keen, a witch as skillful deserves or could be loved by another. Used to feeling alone, the boys busy being jealous that someone so beautiful, talented, could also have more courage than they.
Big Blue – you appear before me as Lancelot, from the Arthur legend. Gallant, romantic, bowing your head before the goddess in reverence, honor. Sometimes pulling out your sword when unneeded, sometimes loving a woman too much, but when you’re at someone’s back, they needn’t worry, you’ve got it.
As far as me, I’m a contradiction, wrapped in an enigma, stuffed in a paradox. Haha, all garbage, boring, false. The hero I look up to, try to be like, relate to, is Kermit. Raised in a swamp, dreaming of friends loving one another well, putting on a good show. My circle of friends is just 7billion people wide. 🙂 (one, I lose!). As I dance through space and time, I just try to make space sit in our sandbox. What’s here? What do we wish to build? What visions spring to heart? I try to help any of us find our map, pack a bag lunch for the road, and trust that our little ripples of light knit together into a better world for us all. Then do some dishes, play some minecraft with my kids, kiss my wife, go to work. I’m not very remarkable, just making some space to look for answers, happiness, like the rest of us. Sing a song of hope, I say, you never know, but always feel!
MattParticipantLurker,
Consider stop approaching her from the mind, stop wanting her pain to go away. She’s protecting the reality of her feelings, defending her pain. Its very easy to unintentionally be invalidating to her emotions when you try to “show her a better way”. Instead, show her your warmth, your hugs.
Said differently, stop trying to fix her. Hug her, and she’ll fix herself. Offer her love, acceptance. “You are beautiful, loved, when happy or sad or anything in between”. That feeling she has of wrath is normal, doesn’t need “new ideas” pushed at it, just an open, listening heart that holds her hand gently. Not “grow this way” or “grow that way”. She’s had enough pokes for one lifetime, let her be.
Finally, consider that when you grab ideas and start talking about freedom, the way the works works truly, what she should be doing with her time, and so forth, you’re approaching her emotions from an analytic space. This is often like trying to feed someone already stuffed. Problem solving with someone unready, still in an emotional space. Consider zipping your lips, opening your heart, and just holding her. That’s when she’ll feel, rather than be told, that there is love and warmth in this world. If there is a large pull inside to fix her, such as if you notice you keep trying to jump in, save her, consider reading about codependency (books by Pia Mellody aim well in my opinion).
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantMermaid,
Doubts are normal, usual, even in the best romances. It doesn’t mean the love isn’t true, it just means roots have been pulled up. Consider talking with him about your doubts, gently… the only real threat from doubt is the distance it places in your hearts. Span the gap, talk it out! Don’t be a tourist in your own life, and don’t be afraid to express your needs to your partner. How else will he know you? How else will you feel known?
With the clarity and strength after reading “The Power of Now”, yes also normal. A breath of fresh air inspires us, then we have some scrubbing to do. 🙂 Said differently, we often learn quickly, but grow slowly.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantPurpose,
He wanted your heart, you didn’t give it (which is fine, your choice) so he threw a temper tantrum. Sounds like you made a good choice, he doesn’t sound like a keeper… nipped that in the bud early. Whew!
From the way you describe it, you were clear with boundaries. Friends help friends all the time, his expectations of winning your heart is what caused his anger… your actions sound just to me. You set boundaries, were clear, did your best. You don’t deserve his reaction, he’s being a brat.
And, I’d love to give you some vowels and consonants, if you’re running low.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantMermaid,
The doubt is all very normal. Consider that you pulled up roots, both religious and social, and moved to a very different place. Getting to the present isn’t just about trying to “live now” but also “put down some roots”, nesting, so you have the inner confidence to be open. Make sure the place you’re living reflects your energy. Not a tourist in someone else’s life, city or house, make it yours. Paint it colors you find pleasing, make sure the walls and space echo “Mermaid”, feels “Mermaid-y”. You’re the same person, there or here, just don’t be afraid to bring home with you. That’s when you’ll feel safe enough to let go, be free.
Did you move in to his home or did you two find a new space together? If you moved in to his house, have a chat with him to let him know you need him to make some more space for you. Maybe take down some of the bachelor decorations, give it your female touch. It’ll be worth it for both of you. If you moved into the same space together, and feel you already imprinted yourself on your home, then look for other areas where you feel like a boarder,a tourist, and smile. Different than before, but there you are, making new friends and putting down roots. It takes time, doesn’t mean “wrong choice”, just “lots of changes, unsettling to the woman inside that needs to feel safe”. Even if he’s your soulmate, you’ll still have to take time to put down roots that aren’t just him. The food, the home, the parks, the shops… all different now. Not just “here in his town”, but “here in my town”. Over time the doubt will erode, the feeling of home spreading outward from you as you make it your own.
With warmth,
MattJuly 30, 2014 at 11:29 am in reply to: can someone define love and show how to love myself and others #62229MattParticipantThe pressure behind your eyes is normal. Just notice it and the space around it, and move back to the number and breath. Keep going!
Its tough for you to just set down questions and act, isn’t it? You have great curiosity, its wonderful! You want to “know what it all means”. Fantastic!
The breath meditation will hopefully help you with that knot in your forehead. Its causing you all sorts of headaches! 🙂 Consider: its tough to see clearly when none of the pieces fit together. Right now, there’s no room for the pieces you do have to assemble into something peaceful! That knot is taking up all the space, driving more questions, more questions. Some you already know, some you’re answering yourself. But where’s Rahel? What do you actually want? Not “what am I supposed to do”, “what should I do”, but rather “what’s next?” Less brain, more breath, more body.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantInky,
Goosebumps, well said! Reads like a poem to me. 🙂
With warmth,
MattSeraph,
Its clear how much you want her to choose you, trust that. Perhaps you’re not on the same page, such as her feelings for you are not what you think they are, but if they are, you’re in luck! She may need time to grow the courage, but you should definitely tell her your desires. Not “you must do such”, rather “my heartfelt wish, my dream is such”. Then, stay open to what she wants, listen, respond.
Consider that she can’t avoid hurting him, because she has already found you. If she returns what you have for her, then she can have a clean break, let go. Slow, steady, like pulling off a band-aid. Even though it stings, keep going, its just a moment in time, breathe. Be free.
Also, if and when she does decide to break it off, don’t let her grief make you jealous (or wavering in her desire). It doesn’t mean the click you two share is being threatened, it only means she has some stuff to process. She may need time alone, or especially tender openness if you’re with her. Hug that heart, help her know she made a good choice, is well loved, thoughts of ex-boyfriend, confusion, and all. Make that space in your heart for all of her, she deserves it!
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantCaring guy,
Less words, more action. Less wallowing in confusion, more exploring. Less whining, more accepting. You sound saturated brother, swamped. Head out somewhere, naturey, beautiful, and set aside all the seeking. Try just being there for awhile. Finding ourselves is less “staring at it”, more “letting the unimportant fall aside, so we can be present.”
Go play, seriously! Well, not “seriously” play, play playfully. But, seriously, go play! Wake up the kid, he’s bored!
With warmth,
MattJuly 30, 2014 at 8:25 am in reply to: You cannot be both unhappy and fully present in the Now. #62221MattParticipantLittle Buddha,
Yes, of course. The dance of grasping/repelling happens on top of that peace. This bouncing back and forth you’re describing is natural, a normal part of living a lay life, normal part of beginning a practice. Consider “pema chodron bodhicitta” on YouTube, if interested.
Perhaps consider speaking one on one with a teacher at the center, they can probably help with the balance. Said differently, as we get up from the cushion, start grabbing at and running from phenomena, the energy of mindfulness dissipates, and blue skies turn grey. A sangha member or teacher can help you remain awake, bringing the steadfastness of the cushion to your day to day life, help you figure out what snags you, etc.
Namaste, brother, may your cosmic surfboard find its keel.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantLadybird,
Its very normal to be told what we “should” do and try. You know you, so its OK to shed the rest. “Not my scene, hope you had/have/will have fun though.” Not yours, unneeded. Your heart would say, you’d feel a call.
If you’re fearful that your intimacy isn’t satisfying to your partner, bring it up in a gentle, heartfelt space. Do you know if he’s satisfied? His is the only opinion that matters beside your own, and even then, if he wants things that feel icky to your heart… well its OK and healthy for some desires in the brain of a man to fall aside. We sometimes need a gentle slap from the goddess if we’ve been drooling. 🙂
Said differently, if a kid comes up to you while you’re building a sand castle, and says “you really must, right now, get up and go play on the swings, you’re missing out”, its one thing to be scared of the swings, stay away because you feel fear. Its quite another to say “no thanks, I’m busy building something beautiful.” Smiling, waving at the swingers, feeling no call to join them. Now, what could be used as a flag for the castle?
With warmth,
Matt -
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