Maureen,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and know how alone we can feel, how empty. When you say “I am unlovable”, I hear “I have difficulty loving” or “I am unable to feel love”. Being “unlovable” is total bullshit, or else the folks here at TB wouldn’t be able to love you. And we do. 🙂

I love Irene’s suggestion to put your hand on your heart and speak tenderly to yourself. The belief “I am unlovable” erodes quite wonderfully when we patiently, tenderly, take our heart in our hands and whisper sweet words of comfort and solace. After all, until you love yourself, until you open that wonderful heart of yours, show yourself how beautiful and caring you can be, how could you ever patiently help someone learn to love you properly, in the way you wish to be treated? How could you place your hand on their heart, patiently speaking whispers of tenderness to them in the way they wish to be treated?

*hugs* to you, sis, I wish you could see how beautiful you really are.

With warmth,
Matt

Wow90,

I’ve had lots of experience with energy healing, across many different traditions and views. Out of the box healing or in the box healing, fortuitous blossoming arises from our own effort and sweat. No “easy way out”. 🙂 However, consider trying some local yoga classes. If you can bring your body into alignment, in the present moment, then perhaps you can find a good stable inner ground to make untangling “history baggage” from “where am I acting foolishly” much simpler.

Said differently, energy healing can help you find self love, which helps in doing spring cleaning. What to simply let go of, what needs to be relearned, reparented, and so forth. The healing still has to come from within, though… the ship turns from continued captaining the wheel. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Diego,

I have had a tantric teacher, and we never had sex… and it certainly had nothing to do with polyamory.

Consider joining her, like taking the class together. The best way to approach fear is head on, in my opinion, and right now, perhaps you’re jumping to conclusions without any information. At worst, you’ll find out you’re not interested and move on, and at best, you could find your love life a lot more sparkly, with a partner that is enthusiastic about it.

Any reasons you don’t want to take the classes with her, whatever she’s aiming at? If she’s interested, why aren’t you?

With warmth,
Matt

Echo,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and know the fear and pain that we’re left with after being abused, and how hopeless we can feel. Don’t despair, dear sister, there is a way to rebuild, and once we hit a few hurdles, the path before us opens up, begins to shine, and our appreciation for blue skies helps us to let go, forgive, and be done with the past. Move on, regrow, and so on. But you’re right, the question is how? Throwing our hands up in the air is one thing, but what comes next? What do we do? A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Forgiveness is a double edged sword, sometimes. If we forgive without understanding, without “breaking free”, often it cankers, shows up again. Its like trying to let the situation steamroll us into acceptance, and the rock rolls around the old wheel of time and flattens us again. And again. The solution, forgive them, sure, but at a distance. Its never too late to fight them off, toss them in prison, let them sort out their bullshit where they can’t do us or others more harm.

The emotional equivalent to this is silencing the injustice, casting them off us. Once we are in a stronger place, “our place”, we can forgive the whole of it.

Consider to be free, perhaps you could use a hand, need a boost. Try what worked for me: “They made a terrible deposit onto me, and fucked up their only job. To show me love, and help me find my way. Instead, they poked and prodded, ignored, turned away, judged, used me selfishly. What. The. Fuck. How could they? How dare they! Gone! Off me! Your tendrils don’t belong, FUCK OFF.” Envisioning them blasting off me, flying across the room, mamma bear roaring in righteous fire, protecting her sacred spaces, her garden. Punch pillows, screech, jump up and down, thrash around. Get it out, gone, be done. Give it back to momma, let the earth absorb our sorrow, pain, anger alongside us.

Then we can move into self forgiveness. Accept that we don’t wish to be angry people, don’t wish to fight, don’t wish to hurt anyone, hold it in or hold back. Dont want to endanger ourselves in any way. Rather, we wish to be kind to ourselves, gentle, patient. Gratitude for momma bear, our goddess energy, helping us defend our space, but not wishing her to begrudge all of human kind, because there really are a lot, a lot of loving people. Lots of hearts and huggers, stumbling along like us, trying to do the right thing, have a little loving space, lend a hand, and share a laugh or cry with friends when we can.

As we go and look for that, walk in that general direction, we grow our little inner garden. Its ours and ours alone, and no one gets invited if we don’t want them in there. If we find a trespasser, momma bear will clean that up right quick. Be as gentle as you can, but as fiery as you need to be. Get them out. Its better for them, and better for you. She has claws and teeth, and not just to smile or look pretty. Ya know?

Practically, without metaphor, consider that when we are abused, its common to have leftover anger push us to see/think/feel “I’m weak, broken, flattened”. We can breathe alongside the anger, “not mine” their actions in our mind and heart, and let the anger go so it doesn’t canker. After we let it out, shuck their whole game, their BS, we can let it go more easily. Just not tending the thoughts, like we do in meditation. “Bah, we all have scars, and have given them. Not going to drag me down. May all living beings be happy.” For me, my past doesn’t bring me down, usually. Thoughts of my abuse, and abusers, like “yeah, I remember that one time way back when I stubbed my toe. Feet feel fine today, and are more sensitive, so why dwell?”

As far as the fear of our anger, consider that anger is a natural result of the injustice. Its already there, inspired, paused, waiting to be released. It like they squeezed you, and created heat, like physics. Its not yours, you don’t have to carry it. Give it back to them, its theirs. Its even better if we don’t even bother trying to speak or write or explain to them. Buddha said this is like trying to throw an ember, but we really only burn our own hand. Just in our heart, be free of it.

As the anger is released, the injustice heals in our heart, then we can shrug and accept that healthy people don’t do that kind of garbage… so “may they learn their lessons and be free of whatever pain surrounds their life too.” But not at our expense, let the earth figure out what to do with them. For us, we get to grow that tender garden, and it remains rich with strength and appreciation for a loving heart. Offered hugs mean a lot, and given hugs are genuine.

Finally, (and whew, *hugs*) consider finding a community. There are support groups, yoga classes, gardening clubs… all sorts of places where good hearted people get together. Consider exploring one, two, or more, and diving in. We don’t have to tell anyone our life story to be known, seen, but feel free to share, listen, or just be present with curiosity and do what feels right. Like eating at a buffet, little nibbles, and if momma bear starts growling, take a step back, “hmmm, what’s up with this?” Grace feels light, love is warm, and when we have platonic friendships, they should glow, not feel heavy. 🙂

Namaste, dear sister, may your inner smile deepen, widen.

With warmth,
Matt

Danielle,

I’m sorry for your rut, and can understand how difficult it can be to remain rooted in a happy place when the world honks its horns and lists its demands. Buddha taught that its the fixation on the experiences themselves that bring the painful quality, such as pushing away the “painful” and trying to find the “pleasant”, “Danielle going to war to have this and not that.” As we learn to laugh at the ups and downs, the moon following the sun following the moon following the sun, we naturally move toward skillfulness, toward peace. Said differently, as we learn not to go to war, not to grasp and repel, we grow an authentic, resilient inner smile.

The story that comes to mind is of a beautiful little bird, delicate wings, colorful feathers, flying and doing its little birdie things. Maybe nibbling some grain, making a nest, and so forth. Beautiful, a wonderful little piece of nature. From a patient, appreciative space, its seen as a thread in a magnificent tapestry of life, the universe.

Now, say that pretty little bird lands on the hood of our car. Oh, what a blessing! How beautiful it is to visit us! Then, it poops on our car. “What the heck? You ugly little monster! Fly away, shoo vermin! Why do birds keep doing that? Is there a sign somewhere that says ‘dump on Danielle?!?'” Inside, the space collapsed… smile to a frown.

As we sit, rest with our experience of “me-bird-car-poop”, it comes as a natural idea “how do I stop birds from pooping on my car?” We can try, spend hours and hours researching, building a garage, protecting the car. Or, we can let it go. Accept that birds are beautiful, and they sometimes poop on the car, its nothing personal, part of their little birdie journey. “Clean hood” not as important as “clean Danielle”. Having a clean mind let’s us have a clean hood or a pooped on hood with the same smile. The bird, free and loved, doing its little birdie things, forgiven. Then, we can smile while we clean off the car, and don’t lose the smile from seeing the beautiful little birdie. Doesn’t collapse into “bird” and “my car” in conflict, no “vermin” feeling arising.

Said differently, more directly, the discomfort arises from the fixation on the negative, the way the mind clings to “what is here I dislike”, rather than smiling, accepting, cleaning it up, finding inner peace again. These roadblocks the universe keeps sending you, empty, fertile, perhaps helping you detach the outside from the inside. Learning to smile genuinely during rain makes smiling during sunshine all that much sweeter. Much like you’ve said, building strength… but rather than strength to overcome external roadblocks, such as protecting the car, consider that perhaps you’re growing the strength to be content, happy, come rain or shine. Then, the endless needs, worries, responsibilities, twists and turns… don’t pull us in, grab us, force us to abandon our smile. Why let them?

Namaste, sister, may raindrops and sunlight find Danielle smiling, blossoming.

With warmth,
Matt

Rahel,

Its OK to feel like that with your mom, it doesn’t mean you’re bad. It makes sense that you wouldn’t have enough space to feel compassion for your vomiting mom. That’s part of what you’re looking for, right? To feel well enough that you have that space? That’s good enough! Its enough that it bothers you, that you’re reaching for love. So, try to drop the whole “rahel is bad” thought line, it is false. You’re a good person in pain, that’s it. 🙂

As for your forgetting, yes, yes, that happens. We realize, forget, remember, try again, forget, realize, try again… over and over. It isn’t “launching the first time” that does it, rather, “getting back on the horse”. You forgot, OK. Now you remember. That’s the whole point of pain, to make you alert. Hooray, it worked, now… back to step 1, keep going.

I’m sorry that you feel embarrassed giving hugs. I used to, too. It gets easier with time. 🙂 Can you do something you’re embarrassed to do? Fake it and you’ll make it, learning along the way! Also, you dont need to worry about the thread length, it’ll be as long as it needs to be. We’re here for you, as best we can! Just honor our attention by doing your best, and that’ll be plenty. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Blissful22,

Religion can certainly be a deal breaker, but it doesn’t have to be. It kind of depends on you. If you feel that he has a condemned soul because he isn’t a “god-fearing christian”, then it might throw up a lot of distance between you two. If you can see that God works magic through all of us, then overlooking the “atheist” label could be easy. Its not about what we believe, its about the love that flows through us into the kingdom. It reminds me of Abigail Chase from The Stand. Stu comes up to her and says “I don’t believe in God.” She laughs, and says “That doesn’t matter, because God believes in you.” Said differently, no matter what he believes, if love is with him, God is there.

Your mileage may vary, of course, because its between you and your heart, as its always been!

With warmth,
Matt

Chelsea,

Giving up other people’s expectations is great! Its your life to live, and other people aren’t good at choosing our path for us, so don’t let them. 🙂 If you can find a balance between having lots of fun with helping people in your unique way, the sky is the limit. Too much focus on fun, money, stuff, and life gets dull. Too much focus on helping people, work, production, and life gets dull. Right in the center is Chelsea, smiling, dancing.

With warmth,
Matt