@symphonicsilver

Sure thing, feel free to post on the board or leave an email address (if talking in public deters you). I’m @amatt for the record, if you want my attention. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Cherrymom,

I’m sorry for your loss. 🙁 Consider reading “When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times” by Pema Chodron.

Hang in there, sis. It sounds like you’re in your moon phase, where intuition grows in leaps and bounds, but also the shadows deepen. The more we can relax and self nurture during these emotional times, the less overwhelmed our bodies become. Consider starting a metta meditation practice. As we practice metta, our mind becomes more peaceful, spacious, where we can grab a pen and sort out what’s going on, what needs are being neglected, and especially helps us make the room to grieve shamelessly for our losses, cry it out, and heal tenderly over time. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested.

Any self nurturing activities can help us unwind, feel more peaceful. What’s going on in your relationship to food? You sound like you’re carrying around a lot of stress, which naturally, usually, decreases our appetite. In such times, it helps to surrender our own intuition into the trust of an expert, such as your doctor. Instead of thinking “I’ll eat when I’m hungry”, or “nothing tastes appealing” for instance, consider approaching eating (per doc’s diet guidance, or nutritionist) as a way of being kind to yourself. A noble, meditative effort that you put forward to show your body its loved. Perhaps this (especially if combined with a metta practice), could quickly help you shift your relationship with food into a better balance, and I bet your body would feel much better. Again, any self nurturing actions you take can help, if the weight thing is for some other reason. More of a guess on my side. 🙂

No matter what the conditions are, you’re not broken, sis, just under the weight of stress, and it can erode, does… the river always overcomes the stone, and as dust, what once troubles us washes back into the sea. You’re on a well tread path, friend. Chin up!

Consider checking around for a grief counselor, someone specializing in helping people through such times. Books and meditations and so forth can help, but if there’s an empathetic and expert ear available, it could help a ton.

With warmth,
Matt

*waves*

When you post on an internet forum, you have to be prepared for condemnation and judgment. I’m surprised at your shock!

Just kidding, I’m not surprised.

With hope,
Matt

Megan,

We all do that, make decisions selfishly, get angry, act from anger, and so on. This doesn’t mean that you have an ugly heart. Rather, consider that you’re looking at your choices and feeling discontentment, which means you have a radiant heart that feels sorrow when a moment without loving slips past. This is a great place to be, because the rest is just a matter of doing some spring cleaning. 🙂

Without hearing more of your side of things, its tough to say what comes next. Guessing, perhaps you don’t handle mistakes well, such as wanting to give love but giving anger instead, and you end up feeling shitty. Instead of laughing at your bumbling, you feel sludgy which pulls you out of balance, where more “less than ideal” decisions/reactions come up, bringing more discontentment, more sludge.

Buddha taught that we all seek happiness, but the way we go about finding happiness often pushes happiness further from us. Not that we’re bad, certainly not “ugly”… we’re just foolish kids looking here there and everywhere for happiness. 🙂 These bumbling “mistakes”, (reactions of anger, deception, hiding, sludgy bits) are just defenses… and are unavoidable. They provide necessary feedback that motivates our growth in a better direction, where our actions come closer to producing the happiness we’re looking for. Said differently, you don’t get angry for no reason, you don’t lie for no reason, and as those reasons are seen, they heal, and the behaviors naturally fall away. The sludge of it helps us see where we’re hurting, what causes the reactions, and so forth.

Consider that forgiveness is perhaps the key to breaking the cycle of seeing Megan less beautiful because she makes mistakes. You mess up, other people mess up, and that’s fine, normal, usual, expected. As we rest, seeing the way our anger or lies make us feel, how they don’t really keep us safe or bring us joy, we can sigh and try to do better next time. Accepting we mess up, and when we do, it feels uncomfortable… which means our heart is doing just fine, and slowly, ever so gently, growing wiser with each attempt to find our balance.

Also, don’t take your wisdom from internet memes. At best the ideas are like a candy store, and at worst, they’re like a swamp. Just because something sounds correct or witty doesn’t make it true. “Ugly heart” for instance, is something that is never true. When someone sees “an ugly hearted person”, for instance, it just means something is out of balance inside the seer (compassion and clear seeing slipped away from them because of various causes) leaving them seeing “ugly” where another being might see “beauty”, “sadness”, or any number of things.

If you’d like to open up some of the things that pushed you toward anger and lies (defenses against perceived attacks, maybe?) feel free to share. You’re loved, lovable, acceptable… “mistakes” and all. But, if they’re painful, getting rid of them makes sense, ya know? Not so you can be more “beautiful hearted” for others, that’s just silly. Rather, so you can be unencumbered, more happy, free of it.

With warmth,
Matt

J,

Well then, perhaps its time to learn how to let go? Like, in the past, all sorts of jealousies, angers, and fears came up that pushed you two apart. As you took a break, you began to find forgiveness, self confidence, inner stability… and then whammo, here’s a new agitating vision that gives you the chance to put to use the work you’ve been doing. The best lessons are often a little thorny, as are the best romances. How else would we stay awake? 🙂

J, and I mean this kindly like a bandaid pulled off quickly, you seem to be projecting your insecurities onto her, and she deserves better from her partner.

You two broke up, and she perhaps went looking for comfort. This is like having the music turned off in one house, and as she missed the song, and singing, she jumped toward another instead of grieving the loss of what she had. Very normal, usual, and has little to do with you. Perhaps if you were there, she would have gratefully accepted your comforting (and ideally, she could greatly benefit from self nurturing, finding comfort in her own tender care), but you weren’t there. In some ways, you failed her, left her alone and scrambling for tender attention. And now, internally, you’re acting like a moral judge, standing “above her”, pointing down on her actions as though you’re any better. But also, hopefully, seeing the hurt and jealous boy, with a nagging itch inside that says “perhaps this is my issue”.

That being said (sorry if it got stingy), its very natural to feel icky about what happened. Your tender heart is only beginning to grow confident in J the Man, and to have visions of her with others is understandably challenging. Consider pulling back from the “shock” of what she did, which keeps you on her side, judging, and instead ask yourself: Why do I feel so threatened? What fear is driving this painful feeling inside me? Love is tender and accepting, spacious, and does not produce the confusion you’re experiencing. That comes from some attachment or fear on your side. Consider: What prevents you from opening to her past, looking with curiosity to see if she learned anything from her experiences, and then using that information to make your life of love more skillful?

Said differently, you appear to be feeling like you never really broke up, and so hold negative feelings for her actions during the break. This is fine, but has to play both ways. Meaning, if in your heart you never broke up and consider her actions betrayal, then you must accept that you deeply betrayed her as well by leaving her alone in the cold for months. What did you think would happen? She’d just lock herself in a tower and wait for her prince to return? Do you realize how foolish and selfish that sounds? She’s a woman, with very real and unavoidable needs, and perfectly/imperfectly tending those needs, like you, me and everyone.

Finally, consider Big Blue’s suggestion of getting some professional help, perhaps even couple’s counseling if your heart is intent on working through it all. There are lots of signs of codependency, on both sides, and while that doesn’t doom the relationship, it does mean that there is work to do for you both. Together, and independently. Intimacy often, usually, collapses when the partners are “the whole world” to one another, and one another’s mistakes “large beasts of challenge”. Better, healthier, and sustainable when you both have your own worlds that you share together. Like for you: your self nurturing, self growth, and following your dreams (not including romantic dreams) fuels your happiness. For her: her self nurturing, self growth and following her dreams fuels her happiness. Then, you two share the happiness inside each of you with one another. Some counseling could help that balance grow, if you’re both interested.

Namaste, brother, may your gavel be replaced by a gentle scrub brush.

With warmth,
Matt

PS: Consider offering her an “honest reach”, translated into your own tongue of course. “I’m so sorry for judging your actions, dear princess, it has been painful to hear your stories, and my trust has bruised, pain clouding my vision of you and us. Will you help me find our safe space, where we can simply smile and dance under the stars? I wish to hear our song again, I miss it, you, us.” If you can’t find this thread inside you, then I can’t see how you’d be able to build something lasting. At least not yet/with her/with her yet.

J,

Well, what do you want? I hear lots of information about her and her side, but from you, just “it hurts”. The simple answer is yes, you can overcome your hurt feelings. Do you want to? That’s perhaps what you need to figure out, first.

With warmth,
Matt

J,

Consider that perhaps you’re still looking at her with your old eyes, from the old space. Like, old boyfriend J would rightfully feel betrayed at her actions, and a lot of your sense of the relationship is from those times. If you met a new, beautiful woman that had slept with a few guys in her recent past, perhaps you would be grateful that she wanted to choose you, now. Not “oh, well this maiden has been sullied by indiscretions” or “that’s cheating” or some other nonsense.

The solution, in my opinion, is one of two paths. Either you let the past remain dead, such as old J and old girlfriend are now dead and gone, never to return, and what you build now is new, fresh, curious about the past, accepting. Or, move on. You’ve been doing great work, important work, and if you’re not ready to reboot like that, that’s OK. You have a tender heart, and even more tender sense of trust.

Its tough to repair a broken intimacy, takes a lot of forgiveness and letting go. You can’t push it, or force it, or just not be bothered by things… on both sides, little tender shoots of togetherness blossom when you both accept one another, wholly, as is and as was. Her sex and your discomfort at her sex, both natural, usual, lovable.

Either way don’t stop doing all that wonderful work nurturing and healing. A relationship can sometimes inspire a backslide, so make sure your roots into J version 2.0 stays strong, well tended.

With warmth,
Matt