Steve,

Its not that being heartfelt is a bad thing, but perhaps honing those flirting skills a little, letting your inner flirt mature, grow up. Rather than “hey, we seem compatible, I am interested, I know you” which is pretty heavy, consider next time something aimed at helping her laugh, perhaps inviting her to something magical, something light. Less “construction mode”, more “sparkle mode”. 🙂

Or, perhaps try to accept that if you don’t want that, that being so concrete and direct is just who you are, that’s fine. But you’ll have to wait for someone that is looking for a big meal, ready for that, rather than someone looking for an appetizer.

Good luck!

With warmth,
Matt

Wow90,

Congratulations on graduating! Thats a really awesome milestone, and you should be proud. 🙂 Its very normal to not know what to do next, freeze up at the blank canvas. Consider watching “Fear and Fearlessness” by Pema Chodron on YouTube. She explains how we can approach that fear, smile at it, and find courage.

With warmth,
Matt

Mandy,

Without knowing the ethics of your profession, its difficult to say. If it were me, I would patiently introduce the person to the arising mutual affliction from unkind actions (such as action without kind attention hurts self and other), perhaps see if they were experiencing stress fatigue or burnout, maybe offer some help. If that wasn’t possible, or they were unreceptive, I would bring the behavior to my supervisor, and then let it go.

Grass grows, people mistreat each other, the suffering in the world is all around us, what can we do but try to bring light? As we let go, set down the gavel and sword, their actions inspire a better performance from our own heart. Such as seeing an elderly woman being mistreated can inspire anger toward the aggressor, or empathy for the elderly. Usually not both. 🙂 If we let go, accept both sides but rest more in the empathy (especially if we’ve exhausted all the paths we can see that might resolve the issue), our next interactions are a little softer.

In practice, such as for a doctor relating to patients poorly, as you see the exchange going poorly, without tender care, your heart goes BLEH, but it also remembers, does a better job of bringing light and love where it can to honor the moment of pain it saw. Its OK to trust that, rest with it… like playing the cosmic “long game”. 🙂

Our ripples of love and kindness (skillfully applying our warm intentions), in my opinion, more than make up for whatever we saw that inspired our anger. Hopefully they’ll get it one day, learn the lessons, and if we can help, great. If not, we can move on, protect our own sensitive spirit. We can sigh, find someone that wants a hug, and give a good one. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Jen,

Thank you for the kind words, and it would be difficult to explain my profession, but I do write a lot. 🙂 Consider though, words are empty pointers, meaningless in and of themselves, and its the heart and mind of the reader that gives them meaning. Said differently, its not my love that makes the words shine, its yours. My love just moves me to hold up a mirror, offer what is seen in your dance. 🙂

The same is true of this “he is the love of my life” and “my man should fight for me if his love is true”, as though the world revolves around one another, as though your love is resting “out there” with him, and he is doing poorly with such a gift. This isn’t the case, your love is inside you, and has little to do with him. He perhaps helps inspire it, but he doesn’t own it, it doesn’t belong to him, it isn’t “there with him”, its where its always been… inside you.

Trying to go back makes sense, because in the past there were moments of security, peacefulness, awe and romance. Wanting him to quickly move through his grief, so you can have those feelings again also makes sense. But its also not kind to either of you to keep grabbing at it in such a way. He needs space to grow and figure out the man he is, and has such a full plate. Like a rubber band, wound tight, that he has to slowly cry and breathe and unwind and find silence and peace and so forth.

This might be stingy, but you’re going to have to accept that the past is dead, things have changed, that “kingdom of two” collapsed. For now or for good, depends on the choices your both make here and now. Its unknown. So while it may seem reasonable to harness all that desire to go back to what it once was, its actually desire that does nothing. Restless spinning. Insecurity, a feeling of “lost home” that perhaps pushes you to grab toward him, hoping for him to rekindle your porch light. But that just doesn’t usually work, and at the very least, leaves you vulnerable to an inordinate amount of pain.

Consider this in metaphor. Intimacy is like a bridge that crosses between beings, over waters of space and time. It requires a stable ground to remain steadfast, like a solid footing into the mutual dream that keeps romance flowing. It sounds like when the divorce happened, his land became flooded, a whole mess of emotional water that he held back, avoided, came pouring into his land. This saturated the soil, houses crumbling, bridge collapsing, and a whole lot of mess and stink is bubbling up for him. Trying to rebuild a bridge does nothing good right now, the land too saturated with water, too swampy for anything real to become built. This isn’t permanent, for the sun will shine, the waters will recede, and his soil will find its balance, its strength. But it takes time.

As you try to rebuild a bridge, it just produces more rubble, more junk for him to clean out. The flood was perhaps caused by his sacrificing of his desire to meet the expectations of women. You, his ex-wife, his mom, telling him to be this or that, pushing and prodding and poking. Instead of telling all y’all to back away, shut up, leave him alone to sort out what he wanted, he repressed it, hid, did your bidding. Just a guess, I don’t know him of course.

This is perhaps why I keep feeling moved to steer you away from this restless grasping at him and his side, wanting him to give you back the home you once had. You’re your own home, hold your own love, have your own swampy ground to tend more delicately. Said differently, dropping the metaphor, perhaps through tender self nurturing, you can discover and uproot the causes that lead you to push and prod and poke and demand. I think it has something to do with you deciding he is the source of your love, and so reaching for your own stability, your warm affection, trying to create a sense of home within your own heart, keeps looking like you somehow “need” him to give you happiness. So, of course you’d be angry if he stops you from coming home, refuses or ignores your cry… but he doesn’t have your happiness, isn’t its keeper or muse. That’s perhaps just you, grabbing at him for something that’s been inside you all along.

With warmth,
Matt

Jen,

Yes, that’s exactly right. Leaving the front porch light on isn’t very loving to yourself, as it leaves the mystery unsettled, bringing a natural discomforting powerlessness in “having to wait”. But your question wasn’t “how do I break up with him, grieve, and move on?”. So, to balance the unsolved mystery, consider being especially tender to yourself with extra self nurturing.

So, how long do you wait for him to heal? That’s between you and your heart. If you can be patient, he might come to his senses, see that your light is on, and find his way home. Maybe not, though. That’s between him and his heart. Love always requires patience, but it shouldn’t be an endurance trial. What’s the timeline like at this point for you? Do you want to wait? Do you wish to rephrase your question? Consider that self caring activities help us let go, so the mystery doesn’t pull our attention so heavily, doesn’t capture us.

With warmth,
Matt

Faber,

Toxic, toxic, toxic. He’s playing mind games with you, intentionally or unintentionally, and sounds like he has little to no control of his passion. His is some of the worst kind of abuse, where he sings to you gently, stamps all over your opening tenderness, then says “hey, you’re the one hurt, you opened, your bad.” Ditch the bastard, you’ll be glad you did.

Perhaps go even one step further, and reconsider every thing he has ever said to you as toxin, rather than a sweet man. I’ve encountered wild yogis, and they do terrible things to the people around them. That pat on the back he gave you clinched it for me, his ego is out of control. Its not you, dear sister, not your issue. Perhaps your issue is learning how to slam the door on a snake, keeping venomous beings away from your tender heart.

If it helps, know that he won’t experience the same pain you’re going through, he’ll go through something much darker, much more painful. But that’s his path, and don’t shackle yours to his, even if you hear his siren song outside your slammed door. Keep it closed, dear sister, don’t let him feed off you anymore. Maybe his teacher is strong enough to slap some sense into him, but you’re not. Do you have any friends (preferably male, or a fiery female) that can be present during the stuff exchange? Or can you just buy new stuff? My advice, don’t be alone with him ever again. He lost his rights, let the door slam.

With warmth,
Matt

Trevor,

There is a difference between detachment and disconnection, and what you’ve stumbled into is nihilism, or meaninglessness, rather than emptiness, or fertility. Its not that subjectivity means that nothing matters, its that subjectivity means we get to decide what matters. We have some control. We sit at the center of a big wheel, ever turning, and our thoughts, actions and emotions produce seeds that grow up into a view that we digest. It isn’t empty, such as nothing, such as therefore meaningless. Its empty, such as fertile soil that is able to be tended like a garden.

For instance, consider your family. Yes, you have attachments to your family, and that’s fine. Normal, OK. Yes, when you lose a loved one to death or distance it hurts. Normal, OK. When we detach, we can see that the connections rise and fade, and the pain of loss rises and fades. So, why all the struggle? Instead of pushing it away, such as “this eventually causes me pain, so fuck it”, we can relax with it “conditions rise and fade, and here is love, warmth, and joy”. Like being able to laugh and smile in appreciation alongside a rose in bloom, even though we know winter will come, and the bloom with fade.

While metta meditation may help (it produces a smooth and peaceful mind, consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested) also consider spending more time working for the benefit of others, getting out of your own head space and do some noble service to people in need. Too much time spent staring at the soil, not enough time helping it grow, leads to a feeling of sluggishness, apathy, isolation. Go share the gift of food with the hungry, the gift of money to the impoverished, the gift of love to the grieving, and your heart will perhaps be so full of splendor that you’ll be able to laugh at how wrapped up in nothingness you became. What we do matters, son, life is being lived in every miraculous breath.

With warmth,
Matt

Jen,

I’m sorry for your difficulties, and can understand how difficult it can be when our partner pulls away. Consider he has a lot on his plate, and so perhaps your grabbing for him, while well intended, is unintentionally making you look like one of the things he has to sort out. This entangles you into the mess of it, and while he’s grieving (sorting, evaluating, and so forth) he may not have much to give you. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

If you believe the love between you is strong, and he’s simply overwhelmed, consider reaching out to him more with a metaphoric “postcard” than a metaphoric “grappling hook” or “bridge plans”. Said differently, consider: “Hey, my love. At the park, looking at some flowers, thought of you. Hope you’re well.” Rather than “hey, we haven’t talked in awhile, where do we stand?” The first, more of an invitation, a whisper of a home he’s forgotten. The second, more of an ask about rebuilding and timetables. These postcards can help him remember, gently, the reasons his smile blossoms around you, the song of it, the fun. With all the heavy goop he’s had to slug through, it could perhaps be a safe way for him to see that even at the distance, your heart is right there. It may not reach him, but it might. Just keep in mind that you may have to give one-sidedly for awhile. He may grumble in pain, but with time will perhaps come around.

If he just ignores you for too long, though, the bridge may just be burnt, for now, forever, who knows. If he does reach back, and its thorny, such as further accusations, or rehashing the past, consider the basic stance of “I’m sorry I got pushy/fiery/angry, I was just scared. I mean to be supportive, I believe in you.” Hopefully he’ll see past the past, and into the present. (Of your heart. 🙂 )

Finally, make sure you take lots of time to self nurture. Being away from home, working, troubling romance, your own care may get swept aside more easily. Don’t let it! Perhaps hop in a tub with candles, visit a museum, go for a walk in nature… somewhere that sings to your heart, helps you relax. You’re worth the tender attention, and since he’s busy with understandably difficult times, its a perfect opportunity to do a little soul searching for yourself, too.

With warmth,
Matt