Dear Anita

I fully understand what you have said to me and it all makes sense. I do have an update thought, 3 days ago unbeknown to me he flew over for one night as he had to be back the following day because he was on duty to come and speak to my mum to prove to her how sorry he was and how stupid he has been. I know on his part it took a lot of guts to do that to face my mum after eveything thats happened.. at least he has shown some effort? We spoke till early hours of the morning, he broke down cyring and said he wants to change and that its not all words anymore, that he is getting help and he has realised what he has done to us. I also said that i too have to change a few things etc.. I spoke to my psychologist and she gave me some good advice and said there is no wrong and no right and you shouldnt pressure yourself anymore. If you decide to go back, do not go back and say ”its going to work or no it may not work and its a risk” that i should take this as an experiment.. that it is all a learning curve, i will learn a lot about myself, learn a lot about him too. If i see it no longer fullfills me despite my effort then i will now be stronger to walk away from it all and that yes despite the pain i know that i can survive without him just fine.

I know despites everyones warnings and concerns i will be going back, i cannot keep thinking what if. I love him so much and from the minute i saw him i relaxed and felt happy again … i havent been this way for 3 weeks.. this must mean something. I dont want to take anymore negativity, i want to go with a positive mind..and hope for the best.

xx I will keep you updated

Dear Anita

Yes unfortunately i form very strong emotional attachments to people, which is probably one of the main reasons why i get hurt so easily. I have never thought about it that way, i am going to psychologist at the moment and she is helping me through cognitive therapy. We have gone through small parts of my childhood and from my experiances it is evident that my need for acceptance and love is because what i went through.. i dont like rejection as i think its a personal attack to me. I know this isnt my fault, i have been loyal, truthful and faithfull to him throughout, yes i have said a few white lies here and there..but never something that could potentially hurt him or us. Its hard letting go and when i do it takes me so long that i find myself lost.

The relationship ive had with him has been so different to the rest of my relationships..i feel this one has hit me very very badly as i attached myself to a lot of promises, dreams and the hope of this being it.. getting married and having a family, i honestly thought he was the one. Yes maybe i am more in love with what i wanted the relationship to be, or how i fantasized it being but Despite the bad times i was adamant not to give up, i promised myself i wouldnt give up so easily like i normally do and i trusted him 100 %, even when i had doubts i wiped them from my mind and i told myself he loves me and thats that, he wont hurt me like the rest have and i wont hurt him.. im going to be a better partner and person than i have ever been.

This was true, i matured in a way i never thought possible.. i also had the responsibilty of becoming somewhat a step mother to his son and the joy of doing that fullfilled me in every way possible..it felt so nautral. I love him very much and everything i did was out of love and i know i wasnt perfect, he had the pressure of having to deal with my insecurities and my anxieties but he never wanted to help or support me on a deeper level..he thought telling me ”you look really good” ”you are beautiful” once in a while would make me feel better, yes they did at the time of him saying it,but it never helped my underlying issues and maybe this wasnt his place to do so and i should have looked for professional help. He has his own issues and had mine to deal with too and not everyone can juggle too much at the same time… i get that.

Then it comes back to the constant lies about his past, things i wish i had known and maybe i would have never gotten into the relationship in the first place, then lies about what he was doing whilst he was with me.. trust is one of my biggest issues..and he betrayed something that was most important to me. I know the saying .. once a cheat always a cheat. I dont believe this anymore.. i have cheated in my relationships, yet this one i havent and have never been tempted to either ..i believe when someone WANTS to change they can.. but not because they have to because it will make their lives easier.. This is what i am trying to make him see, that if he truly WANTS to change anything is possible, obviously with professional help but ANYTHING is possible. Maybe i am wishing and waiting for the impossible or a miracle.. i just wish he could see what true potential he has to being a good parent and a good partner, but he has to do this on his own as evidently i couldnt help. Yes i have realised it has come back to me defending him again and trying to help him than help myself, i dont know why i do it.

Love is so powerful and simple. We are the ones that make it complicated.

Alexandra

Dear Anita

Thank you for replying. Unfortunately i am too empathetic for my own good sometimes. i do feel empathy for him for many many things and maybe yes maybe i am very scared of abandonment too, i have never thought about it that way.

I agree with you completely.. we are both human with a bucket full of emotions. Does this mean that with help, professional help we could maybe work this out.. as a team?

I am sorry i have taken so wrong to reply, i wanted to take a break from everything.

I dont think i had such a bad childhood, yes it was dysfunctional but i dont think it was all that bad, im sure other people have gone through worse than i.

I grew up with my mother and my two eldest sisters, their father (who took me on) was split up from my mum but to cut the long story short he supported her and all of us.. which is why i admire and love him so much, that a man despite losing the woman he loved he took me on eventhough i wasnt his. His death took a huge toll on me. The thing is i never knew he wasnt my father, i was told at 6 years old that he wasnt my dad.. in which i had to meet my real dad who didnt really care and still hasnt, i havent heard from him in years despite my many efforts to speak to him.

I had good moments with my bf, his issues were a lot more than mine Anita and he knew that. I by all means was not perfect and i could have done more to help myself to maybe be strong enough to handle his issues? i know he loves me the best he can..but the constant want to lie, the constant disconnection to his family.. he knows he hurts people that love him..! He is now going to therapy and its helping him. I know he is scared of abandonment ( which is something i did by leaving him), and he retaliates and tries to hurt others back. I have only just found he messed around few days before i left.. before his councilling. I found out as i started snooping.. he is calling me now saying how sorry he is .. that he is so messed up inside and he didnt sleep with her and he cant understand how i can still love him. I am so hurt and feel so betrayed but i dont hate him.. i know why he did it .. there was no excuse for what he did .. he says i left him and we were apart.. which is true. But i respected him enough and remained loyal through and through. My family and friends will be so dissapointed in me if i go back .. i dont even know why the hell i want to go back ???? why god why ??

how do you tell someone that they may be a sociopath? Does it change anything?

obviously i cannot diagnose him, but i have done a lot of research online and he fits a narcisstic sociopath down to a T … there is literally nothing online about staying with one.. it all says leave and break up with them asap as the relationship is doomed etc.. well arent they human too? … im very confused here

Dear Anita

Sorry for the very late reply, i have read your message over and over again and at first it was a blow to the face, i guess because no one has told me to actually give up on him. I am not saying what you said was wrong, this is your opinion of something i needed help on and i cannot thank you enough for taking the time to reply and help me. I guess the saying is right.. ”truth hurts”

I agree on the fact that my mother did make very bad choices in her life, so did everyone in my family.. this isn’t why i am sticking with him or have done till now, the fact is i do love him and i love him very much.Despite his faults i dont think any man has loved me as much as he does. Like i said previously every man i have been with has cheated on me, i feel because i trusted too easily and i am very naive, i believe that there is so much good in everybody. No one have ever pushed me to do something i wouldn’t want to do. My mother just wants me to be happy i think and she knows how much i love him but she also knows how deeply emotional i am and that i can sit and over think so many things and in the end push good people away.

He will not be ending his military career any time soon , but when back in his country the hours are a lot less and there are days off. Right now he is working 12 hour shifts 7 days a week and i know it is tough on him. I know this is no excuse though to act the way he does.It is not my fault, and as a gf of course i can be the one he can vent out too and tell me his problems but i shouldn’t be the one that he takes out all those problems on. I have lived him when he has been a lot more relaxed and he is a lovely person, but this side of him does scare me a little and pushes me away slightly on the fact that i may be moving country for this person, can i handle him being this way? Will he treat me right or will he cast me aside once he has me where he wants me.

This is something i don’t want to do Anita ”losing myself in the process of trying to make him happy” i tend to do this in all my relationships as i always put them before me, and they know this and they take advantage. In the beginning when he knew he had done something wrong he would instantly apologize, now everything seems to be my fault. Past few weeks he has been waking up a little moodier than normal and tell me the reason behind it is he keeps having dreams of my ex and i. I mean this is ridiculous, am i meant to feel bad for him dreaming of my ex and i? He makes it look like it is my fault.

You say yes in giving up.. giving up in the sense of i shouldn’t be thinking that things will get better if i move, or he will become a better person etc?

Hes not very good at talking, i don’t know why this is, but hes terrible and confrontation but brilliant when talking via messages, he will open his heart out to me. Is there something i could tell him via message, about my fears and insecurities and what i think should be? Or is this yet again a loosing battle?

Love and peace

x