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Soul-searcherParticipantHello Anita
I am trying to go back in time to see who was in my life that didnt show me the love i craved. I think i have blocked it out, i dont remember mum being very much in my childhood, very small snippets of it just like my step father. My biological dad i remember very little. I wasnt very close to my sisters growing up either because of the large age gap, the sister closest to me is 11 years older than me. This is all i can honestly remember 🙁
If this is the actual problem i have, then how do i get out of it since i have this ”problem” for 29 years, literally my whole life!
Blessings
Soul-searcherParticipantDear Anita
How do i stop this need of wanting to be loved by people who dont? This is what i find so hard.
Of course i can tell you, it is very complicated my childhood. My mother and my step father were together before i was born, they were separated when i was born but not divorced, he still had contact with my mother and his children ( my 2 step sisters). My mother proceeded with another relationship to a married man ( My biological father) and then they had me. He of course had a wife and children too, and to be honest i dont think very much bothered about me. My step father on the other hand wanted my mother still and he continued to support my mother and us children. They still were not living together, but my step father used to come to the house everyday to have lunch with us, he did all the food shopping too, took us out for meals etc.. very strange arrangement, but then again thats all i knew. He showed me love in the sense he never let me go without, he would take me to the beach to pick shells, to the park, to his house to play with his expensive china and take me for meals, as i got older i held him very high as he wasnt my dad but never ever wanted me to call him by his name, ONLY dad. I only found out that he wasnt my dad at the age of 6, was quite a blow, but i didnt really connect with my real dad, so this man who brought me up was considered for me, my dad! i lost him when i was around 23 years old from prostate cancer. My world turned upside down and even to this day i cry for him but at least he is not suffering. I saw it as unconditional because i thought this man loves me so much yet i am not even his child, and this is how i love too, i give so much love to people and unfortunately most of the time it is not returned.
Blessings
Soul-searcherParticipantHello Anita.
Yes it is very nice being able to communicate with you again.
Yes you are right in the aspect that the person who is most important in his life is his mother, not his father and I. When i moved over his son was a lot more connected to me, obviously being used to having his mother around and not his father. Only as time has gone by and me trying very hard to make him and his father connect, has the circumstances changed and now he wants his dad a lot more than he ever has, and for this i am so so happy, as they both need one another.
Again you have said something that has hit me hard but i also know its very true, it wont be traumatic for him to lose me, but will be very traumatic for me unfortunately, even now that i have been away from him and its killing me. I sent him his xmas presents too via Amazon, his father could have done the same but didnt. Now that i think of that too, its pretty messed up.
Wow, you know i never thought about it that way. My biological father has been in and out of my life, would speak to me for a couple of weeks and then disappear for the next 2 years unless i call him to make contact. I had my step father though who loved me unconditionally and looked after me when my father didnt. I always want approval from people and want love, because i give so much love back. Is this my problem?
Well it did at times, that my want for approval comes from my childhood but my Councillor never properly explained to me why i feel the way i do or why i have such a dire need to be loved and wanted, i thought this was a basic human need, is it not?
Blessings
x
Soul-searcherParticipantHello there Anita,
I hope you are ok and thank you yet again for replying.
His mother has full custody and we see him every other weekend, but on holidays or half terms we have for a week or two weeks, depending.
well yes, you hit the nail on the head, i am trying to make someone who doesnt have me first on his priority list only himself as he always has.
But how can you love someone like that and not want to give up even when you know he doesnt and wont care as much as you will or do.
I am at the moment doing Reiki Healing, i was going to psychoanalysis, psychiatrist and psychologist too and spent so much time to try and get better, but nothing seemed to work, i felt great on that day and then the next week till my next appointment i was depressed again. It just seemed like a temporary fix and going through all the emotions and talking about all the painfull things just made me worse.
In regards to Reiki, we have a very good connection and i dont know why i just seem so much more calmer, i dont know if its to do with the Reiki or i have just started not to care anymore i.e giving up.
Like i said above he is now deployed and we hardly speak, whenever he isnt working. I have to believe what he tells me, apparently last night there was a midnight meal (for those who were working night shift), he doesnt work night shift and i also had no idea that they served food at that time as he never told me. So i questioned this and said ”oh i didnt know there was midnight food ” etc.. and he went on full attack mode that i am always finding faults and that i dont trust him.
My usual reaction would have been an emotional tantrum, and it just didnt come. I was a little upset, but i was very calm and explained to him if i dont know something its because you havent told me and there was no need to swear and go on and on about it.
I think this threw him off, he came back after about 2 hours babbling on about trust and what i said was wrong and he did nothing wrong, and i answered him, its all good no worries whatsoever, lets forget this. I get a reply saying i love you with a crying face..
Seems to me its like reverse psychology now, i am showing him strength and he is now like a whimpering dog.
This is just so frustrating!!! I just want to get on with my life.
Soul-searcherParticipantHi Inky
Theres no chance i could take another break, if that’s how it is going to be id rather break up once and for all.
Unfortunately i cant be in his sons life if we break up because he will be in another country and hes 7 and lives with his mum ( My bf’s ex wife) , so no other ways of contact.
Im sure there are other men that are ten times better, i don’t need to take a break to know this unfortunately.
I know it seems like a disaster waiting to happen and i really dont know how to stop loving and just let go.
Best wishes
Alexandra
January 10, 2018 at 2:09 am in reply to: Itching for a more emotional and romantic connection. #185883Soul-searcherParticipantYes it really does seem nearly everyone is long distance, i had my first long distance relationship 3 years ago, and now because of his job we are long distance yet again. I feel the same way, and to be honest i think most guys are emotionally detached with their own emotions let alone ours. I have had this with nearly every guy i have gone out with, im the emotional, deep person and they are the ones that dont like to talk and dont like to delve ínto any situations too deeply and take them with a pinch of salt. Its so irritating.
Inky is right in the sense that you cant change someone, something i also find very hard to accept, but i dont agree with long distance relationships seldom work out, there is a few relationships i know that have worked out, but hey ho.
Blessings
Soul-searcherParticipantHey Tannhauser
We can only believe in something, whether it be Buddha, God, Allah etc.. each person is entitled to this. You give your opinion because this is what YOU believe because of certain things you went through. Personally i dont believe there is a deity that is looking upon us and making us all suffer because thats what she/he/it wants to do. I think we can form our life by our actions or the way we deal what life throws at us. I have also been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, but im on a path of self love and self care and thats all I need to make ME happy. If prayers help one, meditation and so forth may help another.
Cultivating hate for anyone whether it be a God, religion, person or a thing isnt healthy, well i dont think its healthy for the mind. Why hate at all? Why dont you just feel neutral? If you dont believe in God then so be it, this is your choice but tis not healthy to be cultivating hate and wasting your energy for such a negative act.
I do also agree with Greg in the sense of dread he feels when hearing news of whats happening in the world today, and yes its for tragic!! I wish it would all stop but this isn’t ”Gods” doing, or Allahs doing, but PEOPLE’S doing, we are creating harm to one another and it will never stop. We as people never truly lived harmoniously as Ego, Greed, Fear, Selfishness all exist and the list can go on and on. To be honest with you I like to be somewhat ignorant to things happening, i accept and acknowledge the fact we are all suffering but sometimes living in my own little happy bubble it stops me from thinking negatively and just looking at the road ahead of me.
I wish you all the best however in all your endeavors 🙂
Soul-searcherParticipantSorry i meant Dear Anita xxx
Soul-searcherParticipantDear Alexandra
Sorry i think i may be the one that is confused here. As i said in my previous post, what motivates me is being able to take control of my own life, be independent and wake up each morning loving what i do. Money plays a big factor, flexibility by working hours i want and setting my own goals and responsibilities even though i know this wont happen at the early stages and maybe leave the business for my children when it comes to the time where i cannot run it anymore. This is what motivates me to want to start something of my own.
Alexandra
Soul-searcherParticipantHello there Anita
Thank you for replying. Well yes i think everyone starts with being in love with an idea, the ideology of something is what makes you want to act on the idea and make it happen. I know what i want but i need help in how to get what i want.
Of course there is excitement in running your own business and wanting to feel like you have power over your own life. I have made a massive difference in certain choices i have made, but i don’t think making good or bad choices in certain aspects of your life determine your success in a career? I am not in debt, i have a good head on my shoulders and i’m willing to make it work. Why should some decisions in my life stop me from pursuing a dream? I am always prepared for failure and know i can and probably make mistakes along the way and i have to take things one step of a time.
All i need is a push in the right direction. How to find what sparks my inner fire? How do you do this? How do you know what is right for you? I love reading and writing, i love animals, i love the outdoors and nature. How do i take these things and turn them into a business?
This is the help i needed.
Soul-searcherParticipantHello Anita
Thank you for replying 🙂
Well i think we all share the emotion of not really liking working for someone else. I have been working since I was 16 years old and i am a very hard worker, whatever i put my mind to i work on it until i think its perfect.
I am recently working in a job where i was promoted to manager just under a year of me being there, and this is to say i have had no previous experience being a manager nor do i have any qualifications, yet my hard work paid off and the bosses saw this and promoted me. It gave me such a great sense of achievement and for once i actually felt proud of myself 🙂
What motivates me is that id love to feel independent, to be bringing my own money in, to be dealing with problems and situations myself, to challenge myself and get out of my comfort zone a little bit. I would love to have an established business before i start a family, so then when the time comes i can sit at home and run a lovely business that i take pride in so i can be able to support my family etc.. it excites me because i can just imagine once its done, how proud of my achievement i will be. I think the sense of fulfilment? I am not sure, but the thought of doing this brings me great joy and excitement but of course i am a little scared too. I am just hoping i do the right things and not rush like i normally do and do this properly.
I have currently just enrolled myself on a course on Small business and management, so hopefully this will help me with the basics and on the road to actually opening up a business.
Here is to hoping and wishing x 🙂
Soul-searcherParticipantHello Rowena
I really do feel for you and i am so sorry that you are going through such an emotional time on your own.
I think a lot of the times men cant cope even when they are expected to be the backbone of this new and exciting time 1.e supporting the new mother and the baby. Most men wont open up and say they are having a hard time and like to ”escape”, run away from the situation and hope that it will just get better with time.
I haven’t had a baby myself but i can understand how it must feel to be completely on your own as you are not in your own country, i too have no one here but my partner as i moved country for him. I think its the worst thing feeling so alone that you don’t even have your husband, the man who is supposed to be loving and supporting you.
I think you should be really proud of yourself for firstly having your baby (congrats) and having to look after him all by yourself , you see? See how strong and confident you are? Why should he stop you from doing something you love ?? If you want to go to the gym for your physical and mental needs then you go, i don’t see why it is ok for him to do the things you love yet you arent allowed to as its an unnecessary expense to him? Do you have any savings at all? If so then go ahead and pay for your gym membership yourself, that way he cannot say anything to you. How in the world can they think you are sponging off him, he is your husband, when people get married they share everything and your husband should be happy with you trying to make yourself feel and look better and what his family say should be no concern of you. I know it is hard, but you have to try and not think about them, this is about you and your husband! I am so sorry about your last marriage, you seem to really have gone through a lot! What about your family? Do you think if you spoke to them they could come and see you and maybe give you some support? I think most importantly you should speak to your husband and tell him exactly how you feel and go from there… you do not deserve this type of treatment and neither does your little one. I wish you all the luck in the world.
Soul-searcherParticipantHappy woman’s day to all you beautiful ladies here !! 🙂
Soul-searcherParticipantDear Anita
Thank you for explaining this to me, i now know what you mean and i will write these down in my journal.
I will ofcourse keep you updated on the situation, i leave for the UK early hours of tomorrow morning.
I will take with me on board all the advise you have given me and the advise that the psychologist has given me, i have to be strong and remember that i am me and no one should be allowed to control or manipulate me, that i am worthy of love and i dont have to be perfect in order for someone to love me. I will also be practicing my mindfullness and i want to try and focus on a healthy happy journey, get serious in my gym routine and healthy eating..which in turn will help me have a healthy mind.
Alexandra xx
Soul-searcherParticipantDearest Anita
Yes this is the plan, my next session with the psychologist is preparing myself for the UK. Yes you are very right, if i go back and go into the same routine the ”experiment” will not work and all of this would have been for nothing. My session is tomorrow and i will get back to you on what she has said to me in regards for preparing myself for the UK. As at the moment i know a lot has to be done but it is where to start is the question and what i must do to be able to be in control of my emotions and most importanly not let myself be controlled to the extent where i lose myself again. As you know he too is getting help so im hoping this will make a change, obviously not overnight.
That sounds like a great idea Anita, i have already bought a journal and have been writing a lot of my thoughts down, but please if you dont mind could you give me an example of this ”Regarding being imperfect vs doing wrong: can you give examples about your behavior that is imperfection vs wrong, and same in his behavior?” Sorry it is probably a very clear question but for some reason i am not grasping it, could you please give me an example of an iperfect behaviour and wrong behaviour.. Once i understand that then i can definately jot these down. Once this is clarified how do i come about telling him these things and coming to an arrangement?
I will definately use this thread to help me prepare for the UK, i cannot thank you enough for all the help you have given me and continue to give me
Alexandra
xx
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