Hello my good friend Anita,

I do have the habit of saying sorry a lot, maybe i should stop saying it as often , i do this a lot i think because of him as he always makes me feel like i am in the wrong.

Oh Anita i know it is of NO benefit for me whatsoever and i am really starting to think very seriously about all of this, i think more so than i ever have. You and others have opened my mind to a lot of things and have helped me see things i think i did not want to see, not only about him but about me also. I wont lie to you and say yes right now i will break up with him, because that would most definitely be a lie. I would like to say that i am seeing more of what my life could be without him.

Unfortunately if i were to part with him whilst over here, id have to find a way to go back and bring my car back and the rest of my stuff and i can only do this with his help 🙁 The reason i left my car was because he asked me, he asked me to do this to give him hope that i wasnt going to leave him as soon as i got home..and i left it there.

Update on tonight: Told him i was going downstairs to eat dinner in the hotel, and he said enjoy. I wrote him a lovely message saying that i would love to book us a night here as a welcome home gift, into which he completely ignored and when i mentioned this to him he said, well my days aren’t as flexible as yours and wont know which day ill be coming anyway! There was no gratitude in his message. He then asked me what i was wearing, which is what he normally does and then said i am sure you have taken so many pictures ( I love taking pictures of family and treasured moments). but this time i did not, i didn’t want to touch my phone i wanted to purely be immersed with the family. I answered that no i did not take any pictures and he replied with ” I thought i knew you” and ”sorry for putting a downer to your night” i just said to him its something i am used to but id rather not go into it now, goodnight, love you. He left it at that..hes made me upset, made me want to cry and shout and say why cant this man just be happy for me? FOR ONCE. I’m so tired of it, yet i know all i do is go back to him again and again. With his manipulative ways he will try and make me feel guilty for the way i acted and in the end i will apologise like i always do.. so we ended the day with an abrupt goodbye, after not speaking to him for at least 7 hours today..

Life isn’t difficult, neither is love..it is us that make it so. 🙁

Blessings

x

Hello Anita

You are more than welcome, you are a beautiful soul and the advise you give everyone day in and day out is amazing 🙂

My next Reiki session is next Wednesday and i have also booked myself a full body Ayurvedic Massage, so i am really looking forward to this.

I will keep you updated 🙂

Blessings

x

Hi there Anita.

Oh definitely not harmful at all, i leave from every session with an intense feeling of happiness and a wave of calmness.

Thats very true Anita, i may just try the every 3 days, it may help and also it will help determine on whether it is really working on me or not.

Thank you

Blessings

x

Hello there Anita,

My day has only just started, so i bid you Good Morning from here.

I will try and do something nice for myself today, i will keep you updated and awaiting your reply with your helpful advise that is awakening so many different emotions in me.

Blessings

x

Hello Anita,

It is rare, love is so rare and unfortunately so abused now a days. People cheat and they lie and they hurt people and for what? Why cant people just love one another? It really is messed up and sometimes i am so scared to bring a baby up, what if i am a terrible mother and do the same thing to my child that was done to me? 🙁

I have never ever thought of myself first, let alone try to love myself, how does one person go about loving themself? i know nothing of it 🙁 I know though when i love myself and be kind to myself then i can be strong enough to over come whatever life throws my way..

Stay safe Anita and thank you yet again for your responses, they mean so much to me.

Blessings x

Hi Anita

Thank you yet again for taking the time to answer me.

It really is quite scary how much we block out, i didnt even realise i did this but as i have gotten older i think i do this quite a lot.

Yes you are right, so very right 🙁 I feel that if i can love you as much as i do, shouldnt you love me the way i do too? I crave just feeling loved and wanted. I am so insecure and self concious of myself and i wish i could just find someone that could love me without me fighting so hard for it, but how do i stop the viscious cycle of finding these people that dont love me.

I write all this and i have tears streaming down my face, its just made me realise how sad my life has been and is and that im being toxic to myself.

I just want to be normal, i dont want to be such an empath, i dont want to be weak. I want to be a strong person who can stand on her own two feet and not be scared to be alone.

Blessings x

Hi there Anita,

Yes i remember, i felt awful and i felt very rejected and abandoned and tossed here and there. Couple of months here and there when she was going for a couple of months every so often i would stay at my God mothers house. When she finally decided to move i had to move in with my sister. My sister had a very abusive ex husband and they had divorced, but he was still causing trouble every night, and when that whole drama ended she was with someone else who also physically abused her. I lived there under very strict rule, of course now i understand why, she was given the responsibility to look after me and she didnt want me to get into trouble. I was left to my own devices though, had no one to help me with my school studies, hence why i quit at the age of 16. I never got on with my sister back when we were living together, i was also made to pay my way, even though my step father (her father) paid all her bills, her house, her food shopping.

When i was 16 i met my first bf, who coincidentally lived a few houses down, we met and we fell in love. His mother looked after me, he was a little older than me and lived with his mum. She got me a job, fed me and did what a mother should do and i was very happy for 4 years with him, but ive blocked all of it out, i cant remember a lot of things and i have only recently realised this. I block things, even when i broke up with my last partner whom i was with for 4 and half years theres so much i dont remember until my family bring it up and then i think ahh yes that did happen. Its very strange.. but coming back to what you said about how i felt. I felt alone, i felt like no one wanted me, not my father, mother or sisters…

Blessings