Hi Lunar

Happy Anniversary!

It sounds like you’re in a really difficult situation overall. I think anyone who moves to a different country where they don’t speak the language would be having a hard time. The isolation from your support network in your home country and the lack of one in this new country must be really challenging. Not to mention being overwhelmed by two (pardon my French) crappy jobs and a shared living space.

The difficulties with your partner are the icing on the cake. I think you need to be honest with her about how you feel. It is up to you whether you want to keep trying or not.

It does sound like you need to set some boundaries with your partner. She can’t decide who you get to be friends with. In this new country, you need any friends you can make. It is detrimental to your mental health the kind of isolation you are experiencing. Make it clear that you care about her and reassure her fears. It might go down better?

I wouldn’t take the face comment personally. I know people that make comments like this. In my experience, people are usually worried that you might be upset with them.

If she doesn’t want you to be sad, there are things she can do to help rather than just say that. Being clear about the things that would actually help could be helpful. Having your boundaries respected is part of that.

What kinds of rules does she recommend for going back to your home country?

Sometimes life is hard. It is up to you whether you want to try to work through it together or decide that enough is enough. There is no wrong answer here. ❤️

Hi Anita

Thank you for your support, as always! ❤️

The difficulty is that sometimes life isn’t fair. People are in unfair situations all of the time and they have to make the best of it. I was a child and I didn’t choose the situation. I tried my best and made mistakes because I was a child living in extremely difficult circumstances. I might not have liked my brother, but I cared about him. He didn’t deserve the abuse he got. I didn’t want him to be harmed. It wasn’t my fault that things were the way they were. If we had been born to someone else things would’ve been very different.

I’ve had a think about sense of self. It’s complicated. I am in a bit of a survival mode, it’s true. I don’t have the time for anything else. With my conditions, the amount of self-care that would help I’m simply not able to do. I have to prioritise my son. I’m an adult, I can cope with difficulties. I’m not willing to let him down. I just do what I can when I can.

It’s difficult because I have always been a dreamer. Yet, I’m forced to be practical by my circumstances. I don’t begrudge this. It is just life.

In some cases, it seems like I do have a sense of self. In others, not so much. My perspective is easily influenced by others. Being comfortable with my own opinions would be nice.

I’ve learned to cope with a lot. I enjoy food. Asian dramas are strangely relaxing. I love a good story. Asian philosophy helps me. Sleep.

I don’t know. I really do think that helping makes the world go round. But helping can be anything. There isn’t really escaping it.

I really like calm and peace. And seeing people happy. These things make me feel safe.

I like singing and dancing even though I’m not good at them. Meditation, yoga. The outdoors.

I like thinking, but I know it is counterproductive sometimes. Trying to rein it in. I guess like anyone else, I feel happy when my needs are met. I feel seen and cared for.

I do think that positive affirmations might be helpful. Part of me is afraid of them. They have always made me uncomfortable.

Thank you for being there and listening. 🙏

Hi Anita

Dealing with financial problems can be scary and stressful, but try your best and don’t forget to take care of yourself – like when you went to the dentist. It’s important to manage the stress. I think it’s really important to reach out for help dealing with these things if possible too.

I believe that you can do it! ❤️

Hi Anita

Thank you for your kindness! You’ve given me a lot to think about. ❤️

Hi Anita

Thank you for giving me an opportunity to get the feelings out, as well as for your kindness and support! ❤️

It helped me to let go of the flashbacks. They just stick in my head until I process the memories.

*trigger warning*

It was not easy taking care of my brother because my bio mother treat us both differently. It pit us against each other. I was not mature enough and I didn’t do a good enough job of taking care of him because we were always fighting especially when we got older. All I did was try to stop him from being beaten, try to feed him. It wasn’t enough. I suppose what do you expect a child living in that environment to do? I couldn’t really protect myself, let alone him. I just did the best I could. Then, I abandoned him when I got the chance to be free. I gave him my number and he never called or texted. He chose to go back and was alone with her. The last I heard about him he stalked his ex and she fled the country. It is a shame… I feel like I failed him.

I suppose without him being around to protect I would have killed myself when I was 7. I hope that he figures things out at some point.

Yes, that is true. At the time, it seemed like the only way out of the situation was death. She threatened us not to report the abuse. She said that she would kill us if we did. I knew she wasn’t lying because she would often describe to me how she planned to kill us in our sleep. I never imagined that one day she would report herself. One of the few kind things she did. The others were encouraging us to be away from her for as much as possible and not bringing men home.

It is actually nice having a child because you get to do things that children are allowed to do again. Part of me wanted a boy because I did a lot of tomboy activities as a child. I honestly don’t mind caring for others. It is in my nature. I do need to work on taking better care of myself though.

I wouldn’t even know where to start with a sense of self? Any suggestions? I really appreciate your advice. 🙏

Hi Mei

Bless your soul! You are clearly a very thoughtful and caring person. It doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong, just that things didn’t quite fit for you both.

I expect the breakup would be harder on you with it being your first relationship. Sadly, men are encouraged to move on the another person quickly by society. I don’t think it is a reflection on you. ❤️

Well I had some kiddie relationships when I was younger, nothing serious and it was just life that ended things. Moving away or breaking my phone. It wasn’t really stressful. My first big relationship, I guess you could say it was a similar issue to yours, but a different presentation of it.

The guy was very avoidant and when I wanted to discuss things that were a bit stressful he shut down and ignored me. I wanted a partner I could actually communicate with, so I ended it despite still having feelings for him. I just didn’t want to live like that. He asked for another chance and I said no. We can be friends instead. I wanted to see if he cared enough to do that. He didn’t want to and that was that. Painful, but the right decision for me. Some people care about each other, but aren’t meant to be. It is a shame, but it is what it is.