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AlessaParticipantHi Anita
Thank you for your care, concern and kindness. ❤️
I’m still feeling better about being a mother now. The tight feeling in my chest is gone. Her shadow has left for now.
It is a relief, not to overthink and compare myself to her all of the time. Allowing my feelings space to breathe without that comparison, made me feel freer and more relaxed.
I used to feel guilty for wanting some time alone. As if I was a bad mother for getting overwhelmed and tired and not loving every moment of being a parent. I felt guilty, so I didn’t do it. It made me feel so overwhelmed.
I took some time to myself yesterday. It was nice. Even just giving myself permission and having the option of doing that, made me enjoy my time with my son even more. It felt like it wasn’t something that I had to do, but something I wanted to do.
So often, when looking after my son, the focus is on what has to be done. Taking care of his needs.
AlessaParticipantHi Anita
You are right, these things are complicated and nuanced.
Well, there was a study about murderers and it turns out that most of them either have neurodevelopmental disorders or brain injury, as well as severe childhood trauma. A deadly combination.
Not to mention, alcohol and/ or drug use are often related to homicide and other violent crimes. Only 16% of homicides occurring over the past 10 years in my country didn’t involve being under the influence. Drugs and alcohol reduce inhibitions to dangerous levels.
This is also relevant to parents, or someone who has insomnia or chronic sleep deprivation is shown to have similar effects to alcohol.
I don’t really buy the protecting themselves theory personally. Maybe some people, but not all. People deal with rejection constantly throughout life. Why does someone choose to act at certain times and not others? I know that violence makes people feel powerful, in control and it is fun. That was my perspective when I was 12. Some people don’t grow up or have an interest in developing empathy for others. When a parent doesn’t teach you it, you are left to your own devices.
I can understand the PTSD difficulties that your mother would have had. But I would guess that the nature of being a single parent with two children, created a lot of resentment towards her children specifically. For someone who is so unstable to resent their children ends very badly, especially when hitting children is seen as culturally acceptable. The prevailing belief for a long time is that children should be seen and not heard too. The combination of the these things, plus your mother probably had ADHD or something similar too since these things run in families.
Resenting children is something that is very common for parents. Being a parent is non-stop hard work. Not the child’s fault. Just the nature of being a child is inherently frustrating for parents at times. A lot of people take their children acting out personally. But children don’t have the level of brain development to be fully in control of their behaviour yet. It isn’t their fault and very often, a child is actually distressed when they act out. People wouldn’t necessarily have known this in the past.
It’s all a mess. But not one that you are responsible for cleaning up Anita. She should have been responsible for you and your sister. She should have protected you both instead of hurting you.
I’m glad to hear that approaching the difficulties with your mother from a balanced perspective is helping. You deserve peace! ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Anita
You have helped over a thousand people. Did you ever wonder why you couldn’t help your mother?
People here are looking for help. Your mother wasn’t. She didn’t want to change. Some people just don’t want to. Changing involves a lot of pain and hard work. Refusing to change is easy in comparison.
Your compassion for your mother is understandable. But given the extent of your trauma, I doubt that she had good intentions all of the time. It doesn’t seem like she is a good person. A good person wouldn’t have hurt her children in the ways that she did.
Sorry to be a naysayers. It is okay if you disagree. I don’t really know her. I could be wrong…
You tried so much to help her, until you simply couldn’t anymore.
Grief is understandable. You deserve the space to feel and express that loss. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Anita
Thank you for your support and kindness. I know that you understand what these experiences are like. I’m so sorry that you went through these horrible things too. ❤️
I’m feeling better today. It was good to get these things off my chest.
I’m doing my best. He is a good boy and deserves nothing less. I’m trying to put less pressure on myself, so I can be more relaxed. There was something I read that brought me comfort.
Children don’t want perfection, they just want to be loved.
AlessaParticipantBeing a parent is triggering for me.
It is hard work, especially when you have no support from family or other childcare, as well as the neurodivergence and PTSD on top of that. Plus health issues.
I find myself constantly exhausted and overwhelmed.
I love my son, but I also miss the past when things were easier.
*trigger warning*
And these feelings remind me of what my biological mother said to me often growing up.
Having children ruined her life. She wished that she didn’t have us. Her hatred of us was so strong, she would describe to me in detail how she was planning to kill us in our sleep before we went to bed. Gasing us in her car was a favourite fantasy. No wonder I’ve always had trouble sleeping. No wonder I silently cried myself to sleep every night. I broke the ladder on the bunk bed just to feel safe. I practised holding my breath every night, because she would frequently suffocate me until I passed out. I had to grab a broom to keep her away us, as she brandished a kitchen knife and tried to stab my brother.
She was not like this. We made her become this. It is our fault. It is her parents fault. She was just doing the same things they did to her.
Not really the same thing at all. I worry that I will turn out like her. She told me I was just like her often enough. Children will believe just about anything if you tell them often enough.
I’m not stupid enough to ever tell my struggles to my child. I would never want him to feel unwanted. He is wanted. He is loved. Just things are hard sometimes and people want to let the feelings out.
I struggled with my inability to express these feelings for his entire life. I wanted to pretend that they didn’t exist because I didn’t want to be like her. Normal problems. Normal fears. And there is her shadow looming over me making it that much harder. Probably harder than anything else.
To this day, I struggle with feeling unloved because of her. The past overlaps with the present.
AlessaParticipantHi Anita
I don’t think the person meant to hurt you by suggesting that. People often misinterpret others and don’t know the right thing to say. They also don’t have the understanding of the suffering you experienced at her hands. You have every reason to protect yourself from further contact.
It is okay to dream that things were or could be different. It is a shame that it isn’t reality.
Why didn’t she love you? She was flawed in many ways. Not your fault at all. She couldn’t appreciate you, stuck in the prison of her own mind.
The fact that you turned out to be a kind and compassionate person despite the chronic abuse you went through shows what a good and loving person you have always been.
You might not have been appreciated by her, but you are appreciated, loved and valued by a great many people. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Anita
Thank you for your kindness and understanding! ❤️
A little at a time is natural. What happened to you, is not a small thing.
It is human nature to be afraid of pain. Our brains are not that smart. We process emotional pain as physical. There isn’t an understanding of the long term when we are in pain either. An intense focus on the moment. It might seem counterintuitive, but being able to connect deeply with the pain and then pull yourself out is in its own way healing.
It felt nice to have permission to exist as I am from that text and not feel broken. It reminds me of what my therapist used to say. That given what I had been through, my reaction to those experiences is normal.
I don’t mean that I blamed myself for not understanding. Just that in lieu of understanding a cause, my mind created one, me. It’s your fault that these things are turning out badly. Which isn’t true either.
The depression of wanting something that isn’t real and blaming oneself for it not occurring. For me, it took a willingness to see a different perspective to get past that.
I suppose there is a natural resistance to the present when things are difficult. A desire for them to be different, to improve and get easier. Instead of accepting that things will be difficult for a while but in time it will get easier as the situation inevitably changes. At the same time, self-blame, the desire to fix can make things even more difficult. Being preoccupied with the difficulties, not living in the moment and appreciating the fluctuations in a day.
Somehow, understanding that reality is okay as it is, though difficult. Can itself be freeing. The desire to fix can help in more practical ways when it is working on the correct task. It becomes the desire to accept, cope and endure. Letting yourself relax when there is a calm moment. Seeking and creating those calm moments.
Even in themselves, thoughts are not necessarily a bad thing. It is how much meaning we give them. Our attachment to them that causes pain. Sometimes things just exist and learning to react calmly is a challenge in itself.
AlessaParticipantFor a long time I felt like I had to fix my trauma. Let go of the past. Stop all of that pain and hurt. Stop those flashbacks.
Then I learned more recently from a Buddhist text. I don’t even remember what it was. That is just how the mind works. It is expected for these things to happen and the goal is to live alongside it.
Sorry for rambling ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Everyone
Thank you both for exploring such a thoughtful topic.
I’m trying to gather my thoughts because there are many.
To confront intense emotions, in my experience takes a level of practice and developing a feeling of safety in understanding that these things pass.
The difficulty for me was getting lost in it. Consumed by it. I learned that I needed to take a step back and develop control.
I still have difficulties, just as anyone else. But I see that I’m a simple creature and science has figured out plenty of ways to help. There is a drive to learn and to overcome.
I would have to say that both things exist in a balance. Emotions are not the whole, there is a lot more to a person. Perhaps the desire to fix isn’t a flaw. It is just a part of the natural balance. It just is. Much as the same as emotion. Sometimes it can help, sometimes it can hurt. As with anything.
Emotion, in itself not the problem. The thoughts, the feelings the expectations attached to it.
It is true, there is no fix. There is just balance. Acceptance, learning to live. The sense of wholeness, not being just one element (emotion) is nice.
I’ve learned that expectations are a problem for me. I am naive and hopeful. I don’t expect for things to change and am surprised when they do. I blame myself when I don’t understand the cause, which is just the way the world works. Lack of understanding. The antidote is learning.
AlessaParticipantHi Tea
How does meeting someone happen organically? Honestly, it starts as friendship. So that would mean spending time with men somehow. A hobby group or some kind of activity? Another option is parties, but I expect you might find that not to your liking because a lot of people are drunk and hook up at parties.
Honestly, this is the truth because it’s always how I’ve dated. I don’t like the apps and I’m in my 30s.
I wouldn’t worry too much about dating. You have plenty of time. Some people settle. You’re not a settler. You are after quality and that takes time. Not to mention, work and studying are far more important than a boyfriend. No offence. You sound like you are very busy. 😊
It’s okay to miss having a partner though. It is nice. And I can understand the feeling of missing out. But truly you aren’t, because you wouldn’t want to be with someone you aren’t compatible with. A partner should add to your life, not detract from it.
You sound like someone who is very self aware. I love how you have explored and become more confident in yourself.
I can understand being torn between travelling and family. I had that desire too. I’m sure you’ll settle on a decision that feels right for you. There are no wrong answers. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Confused
I’m sorry to hear that you and your boyfriend broke up. I hear that you still love and care about him. ❤️
It seems that the difficulty is that he just doesn’t have the time and energy for a partner right now. He wasn’t able to show up for the relationship and it took a toll. It is especially hard when both parties have difficulties talking about these things.
To me, it sounds like you did the right thing by taking a break. As for getting back together, I don’t expect things to change until his situation improves. If you want to deal with that stress and support him in this difficult period, that is up to you. It sounds like you tried and it hurt you though. Perhaps you could keep in touch and see if his situation improves and give things a shot then if you’re both still interested?
AlessaParticipantHi CinCin
I’m sorry to hear about the difficulties with feeling left out. It seems complicated. It seems like you have a desire to be invited, but not necessarily to go to these events. Am I misunderstanding this?
If you truly wanted to go to these nights out. You could have just said “I’d like to come along. Is that okay?” Are there reasons why you didn’t do that?
You have some concerns about the dynamics of this trip. Does that mean that your concerns aren’t solely due to practical limitations of attending?
Wanting to be invited is fair, but people often stop asking if someone says no though or doesn’t show interest. It might be helpful to make an arrangement with them where if you feel like going it is okay for you to go along without them asking. Just having that clarity of an unconditional invitation at all times when your wife is invited might make you feel better? This is usually implied in my experience.
Be aware that if you are asking for this it might be considered rude, if you don’t go on the trip as you would be asking to be included, be included and be rejecting them.
It is worth considering if you actually want to go on the trip or not.
Otherwise, why don’t you ask your wife if she wants you to come on the trip? You could express your concerns to her that when you don’t get an invitation, it makes you worry that people don’t want you there. You could express that you don’t always want to go, but sometimes you do and it is nice to be invited and included in chats, so you can make a decision. It’s certainly okay to have a conversation with your wife about this.
Or is it the friend that you are more worried about, as opposed to your wife? Do you worry that your friend doesn’t want you there?
AlessaParticipantHi Steve
Oh yeah, Reddit is a dumpster fire. 🔥 😂
You are more than welcome here. 😄
You are welcome to spoil the secret to koans.
I really enjoy eastern philosophy and religion. I’ve learned about many of these things over the years. I’m not familiar with Hinduism though, I do hear the cosmology is shared with Buddhism. Since they both originated in India, it isn’t a huge surprise.
I enjoy religion in general because I feel like it was psychology before psychology was a thing.
I love reading Confucianism and Daoism, whilst seeing some of the Masters appear in each other’s texts. It makes me wonder if they actually met, or if they were just paying their respects by including each other in their books.
I’m particularly fond of Daoism, but in my country there aren’t many people practicing it. Buddhism on the other hand is popular. I’ve settled into learning more about that. There really is so much to learn!
I guess, the same as other religions. Immigration, war, people share. It’s what we do.
It is fascinating how popular cultivation was for royalty, monks, scholars and holy men. It is nice that things are opening up more to other people. Although, to some extent a level of exclusivity still persists today.
Keen to hear your perspective. Please feel free to share your thoughts! ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Steve
Thank you for sharing some of your story! ❤️
Wow, 600 kids in a day is enough to make anyone’s head spin! Let alone for 28 years. Congratulations, I dare say you helped create more than a few musicians out there! Bring music to the world, as well as to children and making it a brighter place. ☀️
Congratulations on the 10 books as well! If you would like to share them, I’d be happy to read. It will take me a while though because I have a toddler at home. 😊
Oh yes, I can empathise with the experience of new chapters and shifts in identity. Not an easy thing necessarily to go through. I’m glad that you found your way through your identity crisis. ❤️
I noticed that when I am having difficulties with people and feeling hurt, they are often feeling the same way and vice versa. It is interesting the synchronicity that people develop.
AlessaParticipantHi Anita
Thank you for your kindness. I really appreciate you! ❤️
I’m sorry to hear that you live in an area with no public transport. That is a real pain in the butt!
My apologies, I didn’t want to assume. I know some people who just don’t like public transport. Or sometimes it is too difficult for them to get to.
I really like cycling. I can’t drive because of my dyspraxia. I feel like it is much easier to get around with a bicycle, as opposed to walking.
I’m glad that you have a special person helping you with ordering things online. ❤️Perhaps they will be able to help you with the clothing conundrum? A lot of countries have different websites. I’m not sure what would be the popular ones for clothing in America.
I’m sorry to hear that people took her side and didn’t stand up for you. It’s a horrible thing to experience growing up around people who validated her abuse and gave no thought to the suffering you endured.
Since you say that you have more difficulty communicating in person and find it easier to communicate here, it must be hard for you that so many people you have cared about have moved on from this website. I do get the sense that you care about each and every person.
That you often find yourself in a caregiver role, supporting people freely with no expectations is another layer too.
It is difficult because conflict is natural to occur in any relationship and a lot of people are particularly sensitive here. I don’t mean that in a bad way, it is just less likely to overcome normal difficulties with relationships than usual, sadly. I know that our difficulties sucked, but I’m glad that we hung in there, figured things out and learned to trust each other. ❤️
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 