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Alessa
ParticipantHi Everyone
Iām glad that you found some of the things I shared interesting and thank you for your kind words Anita. š
There are a lot of interesting points floating around from all parties. š
I donāt know if there is a healthy way to express anger to other people. I certainly havenāt found one. At the moment the best I can think of is calmly stating a preference. But it ceases to be about the emotion at that point and it becomes about addressing the underlying need.
In Buddhism, anger is considered to be one of the eight fears that prevents individuals from achieving enlightenment.
The eight fears being:
The flood of attachment, the thieves of wrong views, the lions of pride, the snakes of jealousy, the fire of anger, the carnivorous demon of doubt, the chains of miserliness or greed and the elephant of ignorance.
Sorry, it is really busy at the moment. I donāt have a lot of time to write sadly. Iām enjoying reading everyoneās thoughts and thinking of you all fondly. ā¤ļø
Alessa
ParticipantHi Elizabeth
It is not an easy situation for either of you to be in for sure.
Did your husband say why he was upset about you not attending the rehearsal dinner?
They arenāt willing for you to protect your health by wearing a mask or provide food that meets your dietary requirements.
Since his family are like this, surely they donāt actually care if you donāt go?
It sounds like youāve done a lot over the years to keep the peace.
I can understand not wanting to cause a rift in the marriage. It is hard when things are difficult with the in-laws.
Alessa
ParticipantHi Kris
It is a shame to hear that things ended with your friends with benefits person. It is hard especially when you donāt have anyone that you are close to locally.
I agree that you didnāt do anything wrong. It is a question that a friend would ask with his best interest at heart. I feel like he might not actually be looking for a friend. Unfortunately, sometimes people just say these things when they part ways with no real intention of friendship or even keeping in touch.
It is okay to feel your feelings about all of this. Please take extra special care of yourself while things are tough. ā¤ļø
It sounds like a good idea to move back to somewhere you have a bit more support. I hope that your parents can help you with this and the time flies by until your lease is up in September.
Alessa
ParticipantHi Omyk
I suppose that is what has to happen when life gets tough. Just get on with it day by day.
Congratulations on all of your achievements within your ministry! ā¤ļø
True, marriage does not always smell of roses.
Do you have a fear of being alone or a fear of missing out on being with a partner? You have a child. You will never be alone. But it is a large commitment not to have a partner for an extended period of time.
Iām glad to hear that your day to day is happy. It makes sense that thinking about the intensity of the commitment to not having a partner in the future is anxiety provoking. I donāt think it would be easy for anyone. I suppose it is a sacrifice.
I can imagine. It must be tough being a single parent and having such a busy life. Downsizing makes sense. I hope you figure everything out. Whatever you decide. No rush, you have 25 years. š
Alessa
ParticipantBless your soul Anita, and you Peter as well. š
Some additional thoughts. Since anxiety and anger are connected for me and as I said before my anxiety misfires when Iām reminded of difficulties in the past, anger also misfires for me too. This means that just because I feel hurt or experience anger or anxiety, doesnāt mean that anything untoward is happening. It took me a while to learn this.
Outside of the obvious verbal abuse. I have recently been learning that there is a vast wealth of communication that is considered unhealthy that many people simply arenāt aware of.
I read that in times of stress people often default to their most primitive emotional responses. For me, this is a flip flopping between begging someone to stop and demanding for them to stop. This stems from my childhood. When I was a child I would plead with my mother to stop and it would only excite her. Fighting her would make her incredibly violent. I learned to just freeze and wait for it to be over. This was the quickest and least violent way.
Blaming and criticising others when Iām hurt has been an unhealthy pattern. It is one that Iām determined to break. I feel like reflecting on my own behaviour instead of other peopleās is key to this.
Ultimately, I believe that general conflict is hurt people hurting each other and adding more hurt on top of that is not helpful. I believe that no matter what someone does they donāt deserve to be hurt.
Alessa
ParticipantHi Gigi
Congratulations on being happily engaged and starting to build a life with your partner! Good luck with your masters degree. š How are you finding living together? It can be a big change living with someone and moving cities.
Iām sorry to hear that you are worrying about your parents dying at night. That is very stressful.
You have talked about preparing for motherhood. Often when people have children it can bring them closer to their parents. There is a new level of understanding and empathy for the experience of our parents when we become parents ourselves.
This problem may sort itself out if you give it time. Why donāt you give them a call?
I’m sorry to hear that you find sex dirty and have unwanted thoughts of your father.
I have had thoughts of other people pop into my head too sometimes. I just refocus on my partner.
I think that sex is a pure and beautiful thing because for me, I cannot enjoy it if I don’t trust the person. It is nice to think of it as the beautiful connection that you have with your partner.
Have you told your partner that you have some anxiety about sex? It might be helpful to slow down. Spend more time relaxing and getting into foreplay and take a break when you need to because of the anxiety. It is traumatising to force yourself to have sex when you are feeling uncomfortable.
Some men donāt really understand that during our menstrual cycle, our needs during sex change because the sensitivity of our bodies change. It is important to communicate with your partner if you need something to be more gentle.
When it comes to unwanted thoughts. The more you are disturbed by them, the more they reoccur. It is awkward having thoughts about your father pop into your head. But it is not something that you are choosing and it is not your fault.
That is fair that you are having difficulty opening up in therapy. These are some sensitive topics. I donāt think that what you are experiencing is uncommon though. A therapistās job is to be very supportive no matter what you bring up.
You donāt have to talk about your father until you feel that you are ready.
Alessa
ParticipantHi Anita
Thank you for sharing your prayer! Beautifully written as always. š
Alessa
ParticipantI learned to change my anger into safer emotions as a child because anger would be met with intense violence. It was just too dangerous for me to express it.
I had to limit the amount of drinking because the suppressed anger comes out when I drink.
I was taught by my sister that if I didn’t express anger during a disagreement that I didn’t care. She taught me to yell and swear even though I didn’t want to.
I was groomed for my childhood to accept abuse. It took a lot for me to learn to set boundaries with others. It still isn’t easy for me. I still get anxious and scared.
I read that anger is a secondary emotion. This means that other emotions often are along side it. Anxiety is a big one for me.
Nowadays, I’m working on letting go of resentment. I’m finding mantras to be very helpful.
Alessa
ParticipantOops that’s eight fears. Darn autocorrect.
Hi Roberta
Thank you for sharing as well! It is nice to see you around again, you were missed. š
Alessa
ParticipantHi Arie
Is it safe to go to a gathering with this man when there is a family conflict? There could be drinking and he could easily pull a gun on any one of you. He seems genuinely unstable and actively dangerous to be around.
Do not feel pressured to attend this event if you don’t feel safe.
As for the issues with your husband and your brother. You are doing your part in defending your husband. That is all you need to do. How does your husband feel about the difficulties between your brother and him? Do you feel hurt that the relationship with your brother has deteriorated because of the difficulties between them?
Alessa
ParticipantHi Omyk
I remember you! Welcome back. š
It sounds like you are feeling the battle between being human and the responsibilities of your ministry.
My perspective is that these days in western countries a lot of relationships fail. It really depends what you are looking for. What needs are not currently being met that you feel a longing for? It must not be easy, being without your wife.
I think that whatever you want and whatever you choose to do is okay. Please be gentle with yourself because your situation is not easy. You are dealing with a lot of responsibilities on your own. ā¤ļø
Alessa
ParticipantHi Tommy
I have no anger for you whatsoever, only love. ā¤ļø Iām very easy going and hard to offend. I am an extremely honest, loyal, patient, forgiving, blunt and straightforward person. I completely understand.
Most of my friends in my life have been men, so Iām entirely used to how men behave. I disagree, I feel like you are a very good influence and a very special person. I deeply appreciate those who are honest and bring new perspectives. It would be an honour to remain your friend. I do understand if you would rather not though. I donāt wish to bring you any pain and I wonāt hold any resentment if that is what you choose. ā¤ļø
You might not see it. But the people here care about you. Peter, Jana and I supported you in our own ways. I donāt care what mistakes you make and value the unique things about you that make you so special. We are all human, I make mistakes too. Everyone does.
Every day is a new day. This is my philosophy. There are good days and there are bad days. Iām not foolish enough to throw away a friend because of a bad day.
Truthfully, I donāt have many friends either. Iām very shy because I have been deeply hurt by some extremely bad people. We are talking major crimes! I know the difference between someone with a good heart and a bad one. You have a good heart my friend and are a deeply caring person. I deeply appreciate the people that I do choose to open up to. It would be such a shame to lose you as a friend because of this situation. ā¤ļø
Alessa
ParticipantHi Tommy
I didnāt think that you were talking about the difficulties that happened in the past here. I thought that you were probably talking about something else. I was playing devils advocate not to scold you. I was trying to help bring a more balanced perspective and defend you. I apologise if it didnāt come across that way.
I donāt judge you for what happened in the past. Iām actually sorry it was brought up. God knows Iām not perfect and make mistakes all of the time. I think you handled it with grace.
Iām sorry to hear that you lost your friend and even more sorry that you are leaving again. I really missed you being around and think that you are a valuable member of this community. ā¤ļø
If you would like to keep in touch please feel free to send me a message. I truly wish you all of the best in life too. ā¤ļø
Alessa
ParticipantHello everyone
I would like to share my experience.
Once upon a time I was critical about Anitaās behaviour. I can see now that I was wrong and that I hurt her deeply. I cannot change the past, but I can make sure never to do it again.
It is not easy being human. I feel like I am always making mistakes. I only hope that the people I care about see the kindness in my heart and forgive me.
Iām deeply sorry for hurting you Anita. I would like to be friends. I always have! Iām going to reply to your post on the other thread Anita. ā¤ļø
Iām deeply sorry for being critical of you as well Tommy. In my own way, Iām trying to take care of you because I believe that you are a caring and insightful person who deserves to be given a chance. I hope that you can see how much I care. Iām very much in the process of learning how to communicate at the moment. ā¤ļø
Alessa
ParticipantHi Anita and Tommy
Iām well thank you Tommy. š How are you?
Oh boy, I missed this one because it was deleted. Drama! š
Iām going to play devilās advocate. I believe that Tommyās apology is genuine because straightforward people are very genuine. It is definitely something that can rub people up the wrong way (I know that from experience as a straight forward person myself).
He doesnāt strike me as a simpleton, I believe heās learned his lesson. Poor choice to try these tactics with very vulnerable people.
I can understand a feeling of incompleteness whilst forgiveness is not received. Iām a chronic completionist. No matter how terrible a television show is, once I have started watching it I will watch all of the seasons. With unresolved conflict, it eats away at me to fix it or ācompleteā it. I think for me it may stem from a sense of anxiety about it. However, many people simply prefer to have their peace. Different people have different needs and it can beneficial to try to meet others needs. Meeting needs is very rewarding and surprisingly rarely done. It can be a lifeline to those in need.
I feel like people are complicated and can hold more than one feeling at the same time. That doesnāt necessarily mean that itās inauthentic.
I feel like men can be a bit more brusque due to socialisation. Quite often they are used to teasing each other in playful ways that can seem quite harsh on the surface. I think it is important to have a male voice around. It brings a unique perspective.
I read something recently that said bluntness is a privilege reserved for friends. I can understand why that might be. It is hard to know how someone will respond until you know them better.
There are many different schools of thought of these things. I can understand why there is a belief in certain things. I do think that it is important to find the right balance.
I watched a documentary with the Dalai Lama and a child had fled from Tibet, her family were dead and she had found a new life in India. She talked of her grief for her relatives. I find it touching that whenever someone spoke of painful things he would subtly pray as they spoke. He advised her that if she focused on all of the wonderful things that she will learn in her new life, the pain of losing her family will hurt less. She kind of shrugged a bit unsure.
At this time, the Dalai Lama was accompanied by Archbishop Tutu. Who said sorry for her loss (it should be noted that the Archbishop spoke first).
I feel like the two approaches complemented each other well. Softening the message. It was described that Archbishop Tutu gave the gift of sympathy and that the Dalai Lama gave the gift of courage.
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