Hi Tee

I can really only speak to my own experience. I can understand why Anita was hurt by what I said. Was it my intention? No, but people get hurt by things unintentionally and especially during conflict. I can see that I made mistakes during that conflict on both sides.

I have learned that it can make people feel uncomfortable by commenting on what they might be experiencing. I was also not talking about the conflict that was ongoing, so I can understand why she might worry and feel blamed or invalidated. I apologize for any hurt caused.

Personally, I find that C-PTSD is a bear to deal with around conflict. I have fears of being abused and yet conflict is normal in relationships. It is very hard to reconcile the two.

I feel like stressful situations are real challenges, especially when I’m already stressed. I cannot cope with the stress in a healthy way without medication at the moment.

It isn’t my fault that I have PTSD and Autism. It isn’t my fault that I get overwhelmed sometimes especially when things are difficult. It is my responsibility to try to make healthier choices and find ways to navigate such a complicated situation by trying my best not to hurt others. I care about this deeply. ❤️

I see that you are in pain, because your needs are not being met and you are misunderstood. I understand you Tee. ❤️

Hi Anita

I appreciate that you have done your best to talk about these things despite it being difficult for you. I appreciate you being respectful and understanding. I can see that you are trying your best. ❤️

I’m sorry to hear that you felt unsafe, overwhelmed and unable to process it at the time. Why did you feel that way? ❤️

I feel like I definitely said the wrong thing in that message to you. I remember writing it and thinking “I don’t know what to say”, I felt very uncomfortable about the exchange between yourself and Tee.

It wasn’t really appropriate for me to go into such deep ideas in the middle of a conflict. I’m sorry, I understand that it hurt you. I know that you couldn’t talk about it at the time. It must have been painful to sit with that, not have an explanation, understanding or an apology. I truly, didn’t understand what you were feeling at the time because it wasn’t explained. I really didn’t mean to make you feel like you were the problem. ❤️

Yes, I can see that. I feel like a lot of people feel the same way about criticism.

I feel like the difficulty with shutting down and not having a conversation about difficulties is that it feels like things are lacking context and perspective because others were encouraged not to share. ❤️

I understand that this has been difficult for you, but I appreciate that you tried anyway. So thank you for that. It is important to take care of your needs during conflict, you don’t need to respond if you don’t want to. ❤️

* Hi Tee

Oops forgot!

Hi Everyone

I guess I don’t see the differences between spiritual and therapeutic paths. It is just different parts of the journey. Is the beginning any less valid than the end? Not to say that one is more valid than the other.

This forum is for everyone and I think it is good for people to have access to information that can help them at any stage in their journey.

It just takes mindfulness. If something doesn’t suit it is okay. Perhaps it is not for them, perhaps it might be for someone else. ❤️

Hi Tee

Well, I’m pretty good at pattern recognition. I saw a potential conflict coming when you initially made your post. I don’t think it was problematic, just I thought that it would probably be misunderstood particularly because you were still in the process of building trust with each other. I was worried about you. ❤️

I’m sorry that I didn’t defend you properly. I was just trying to help calm the situation down and didn’t want to make things worse. I do truly believe in not criticising people and I’m still trying to figure out a new way to communicate in times of conflict. It does make communication really difficult at times because sometimes things are much easier to explain in a simple clear way.

I know that in some ways, I might have helped and in some ways I might have hurt? I’m sorry, I relied on your openness, kindness, good faith, insight, willingness to reflect and understand that I was trying to help. It’s not really fair is it? Especially when you’re in the middle of a painful conflict. I’m deeply sorry for that. ❤️

I know that I didn’t handle the situation in a healthy way and I’m trying to learn more about how to handle situations like this because I want to do better. I’m under no illusion that I’m perfect or know the right thing to do. These situations are so complicated and being human is complicated.

I would like for you to talk more about any hurt you felt about how I mishandled the situation? If you want to? It is up to you.

I’m not very observant, I’m slow to process information and empathy doesn’t come that easily to me, but I am a trier.

I imagine that it would have been challenging because we don’t have a strong relationship. We have not really spoken to each other a whole lot. But I think we do have a general positive regard for each other in passing and see the goodness in each other.

I remember that you were the only person that stood up for me when I had difficulties in the past. ❤️

It is helpful when people are more direct and clear about their intentions. Perhaps you might have felt like you were not sure where I stood?

Perhaps you felt blamed? I definitely, didn’t mean to make you feel that way. 🫂

Definitely. It is natural for a child to believe a parent. It is quite horrible for a child to believe that they are evil and so completely and utterly false. I’m so sorry you went through that. I think in some ways, the severity of my trauma protected me. Yes, I took onboard some of it as children do, but I viewed my mother clearly as an abuser from a relatively young age. It is really hard for a child to grow up believing that they are the problem instead of being able to put the blame where it rightfully belongs, with the parent telling their children such hateful things. ❤️

Yes, essentially. It is not an easy thing to do.

That is kind of you to say. I think it was a painful conflict in general. I worried about you a lot which is why I kept asking how you were doing.

I understand that Anita is trying in her own way. I learned to acknowledge in conflict when someone is trying, not just when someone handles a situation perfectly.

Ideally, yes these things do happen. Life is often not ideal though. Personally, I don’t feel like it is abusive to me, but I understand why it might hurt others. I know that she deals with these things in her own time and has her own feelings to process. Perhaps she might be afraid of being rejected? It is difficult to apologise and such, sometimes people like to see that it will be met with good faith. Putting feelers out so to speak.

The difficulty being that the approach doesn’t resolve things. It does hurt that I feel like now there is some good will and that in some way my good intentions are being seen which to me, suggests some personal reflection. It is still difficult for me because people usually talk to each other about these problems to reach that conclusion. But I understand that there might be some fears due to previous difficulties.

It can be hard with PTSD to unpick the past from the individual in the present, because people make mistakes, go through difficult circumstances and not handle them well. But they can also change, learn and grow. It doesn’t necessarily mean that someone is inherently abusive.

Do I know how I feel yet? No, I’m still processing. I am pretty stressed at the moment and a bit out of it. I ran out of medication and had a PTSD episode. I should be able should get some more later today though.

I’m keen to hear your thoughts. Take care ❤️

Hi Everyone

I will add that radical acceptance is a tool that is commonly used in psychology to help people address their pain.

The methods do vary though. There is often a dialogue. It is fascinating how psychology often draws from ideas originating in Buddhism. ❤️

Hi Tee

Thank you for your kindness!

I know you didn’t mean to hurt her. I could tell from the beginning your intentions because I have found the same experience to be helpful for me. It is hard to describe it to someone who hasn’t experienced it yet though. Hence the misunderstanding.

That is why I tried to help explain things with you. I’m sorry that the explanation and the apologies didn’t help. ❤️

I honestly understand. You are right, these things are very difficult. It is not easy at all. You did your best and that is all anyone can ask. ❤️

Verbal abuse is just as damaging as any other kind of abuse. It weaves its way into the mind. You are a good person Tee. ❤️

I think it varies from person to person whether or not things will continue to escalate. But I agree it is important to stand up for yourself and discuss problems. I find that choosing the right moment can be helpful. It is hard to get through to someone when they are heated, I find it easier when cooler heads prevail. It all depends on the individual though.

It is helpful to do that too. Although, I meant that I learned to stay calm in the moment by being emotionally vulnerable. I used to be afraid of vulnerability during conflict with my mother because she would be encouraged to abuse me more. With others, I was afraid of being rejected. Ironically, I often shut down emotionally when I felt rejected. One day I realised that there is nothing to fear because I have already been rejected. The vulnerability helps me to connect to empathy in the moment.

To me, it seems like I was instantly cast aside simply for having a different perspective.

Also, I set a boundary that was actively rejected. Anita might be under the false impression that we got what we wanted. But we didn’t want this. We wished that she was able to understand where we were coming from and for it not to get to this point. Her doing something because a moderator told her to is not the same thing as respecting our boundaries. She is honouring a boundary set by Lori, not with me.

Take care ❤️

Hi Yana

Yes, I understand and feel the same way. ❤️

By showing up for others, I think we show up for our past hurt selves too. Not such a bad thing really. 😊