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AislynnParticipantJack,
Wow. Marvelously explained, “You stopped worrying about your current problems and became fully present” and this “when I feel such emotion, I am overcome with the joy of living.” I can completely relate. What a wonderful post.
What I enjoy most about these moments is that they happen when I least expect them. It is such a wonderful thing to feel. For me, it might be going outside,and just feeling the energy all around me, not just from people, but from all of nature or just doing other things and having a sense that all is not what it seems but that rather there are greater things at work. The first time I felt it, I was in awe. It was like nothing I had ever experienced, ethereal I’d say. It makes me feel like nothing can weigh me down, at least not in that precise moment, no matter what is going on.
I agree that these moments are a sign of God’s existence, or at least I like to believe they are.
Ah, artistic. I tend to think artist are the most insightful people there are. The reason being that they take the time to look at things in a different way, or in such a way that broadens the horizon for others.
As for me, well I wouldn’t call myself artistic. However, I am into reading aura’s, feeling the energy of others, and meditating. So I’d say I’m a spiritual person.
AislynnParticipantJack,
You are welcome.
In regards to the work training example, wow, I know for sure I would not have been suited for a job like that. Right there and then I would have felt intimidated, and I am sure I would have not been capable enough to deal with all the customers, especially those that tend to argue a lot and get aggravated over something that you cannot control. Also, how do they expect you to remain in control? Sure, you can do your best to help the customers and resolve their issues. However, it is out of your control if after addressing their concerns they get erratic over something you cannot change. After all, you are not the one behind all of the decisions, rather you are a representative and are only there to help as much as you can in accordance to the rules and regulations of the company.
AislynnParticipantHello Mark, and welcome.
While I agree with this, “We are always in control of whether we retreat, or if we take the next step, and then the next…as we strive for our goal.” I don’t completely agree with the fact that we have control over our lives, at least not in a way that can counteract all of the external forces pushing us off of the road.
I say this because take a single person for example, who is working for minimum wage, while trying to go to school and pay all their bills at the same time. Say they get injured on the job or are laid off due to the economy, or are perhaps unable to keep going to school and can no longer afford to pay all their bills due to rising costs. Well, in this case, while this person can in fact control what they do next and what their course of action is, they don’t really have control over the situation because all of these things are out of their control. They themselves cannot control the economy, or get a higher paying job if there are no openings, or pursue further schooling if they cannot afford it.
Whatever choice they make then, is not the ideal or expected outcome, rather it is a choice made out of the limitations they have to deal with. So in a sense, they don’t really have control over their lives. Rather, the external forces have control over that person’s life, and the only control they then have, is the limitation that they accept to live with. And while sure, that limitation might only be temporary, it could also be permanent. So to speak, this person did not have control over their life.
Of course, I made this situation up, but it wouldn’t surprise me if someone did experience such things.
AislynnParticipantAnita, wow! Great poem. Love it, and I have to say, there are many of us of who have to “Stop it”.
Hayley-Louise, “myself personally, it takes a good couple days to ‘shake’ stuff off…” I couldn’t agree more. Negative comments and encounters often stay in my mind for a good while. I then spend some time analyzing what I did wrong or what actually happened to produce such an outcome. It certainly is hard to stop it most of the time, especially since like Anita said, “Stop trying to prove to others that you are good enough” and “Why the hell is your life about those who point fingers at you?” Because it is true, we often try to please those who like us least, and we seek their approval.
AislynnParticipantDear Anita,
“What a well written post! Your thinking is so clear, intelligent, my goodness! I am authentically impressed.” Thank you for this. I tend to think that sometimes my thoughts are scattered and that I analyze things further than they need to be, turning them into something that is far removed from the source of what it actually is, if that makes sense.
“I needed to read this today, this morning, as I am dealing with such forces out of my control…Thank you!” You are most welcome. I’m glad that what I said was able to help you. I hope that whatever you are dealing with not only works out, but resolves itself in whatever way is best.
You know, control sometimes seem to be an illusion. I say this because we are very limited as to what we can influence or change. We might make choices that lead us straight down the path we want, only to be detoured multiple times by forces out of our control. Sometimes it is possible to put ourselves back on our original path, and sometimes it is not, as we come to a dead end. While we can control our responses to the situation and can influence what we do next, in a sense we are not really controlling much, because it is life, and life’s circumstances that keep throwing us towards different outcomes and we are the ones who have to keep adapting to everything throw our way.
AislynnParticipantDear Anita,
“When you learn a new physical task, new connections are made as you learn the new task.” Ahh, yes, I’ve heard of that. I think I learned about it in my psychology course. It makes sense. So basically, I need to reteach myself to be attracted to a different type of guy. In this case, it means a stronger guy. I need to relearn it, so that in the future I am naturally attracted to a stronger guy. Wow, thanks, I had completely forgotten about neuroplasticity. I’d compare it to teaching my dog to do tricks. When one teaching method does not work, or is providing the wrong outcome, well then it needs to be analyzed and taught differently.
“You would think, logically, to meet your need for a strong man you would be attracted and choose a strong man.
But because as a child you did not have that option, of a strong parent, your REALITY then was that the ONLY way you can have a strong person was if you make HER strong so she in turn be strong for you.
Stuck in that dynamic- made sense then- but no longer does.
Mind boggling, isn’t it? It is for me.”
That all makes perfect sense to me. That became my learned behavior, which is why I have always sought out weak guys, so that I can make them strong in order for them to protect me, care for me, etc in the way that I needed them to. You’re right, that dynamic made sense back then, because I saw my mother and sister as being weak and needing someone to protect them. Also, you are right, that dynamic no longer makes sense. What amazes me most is how as a child one could possibly think “my mother is weak, I need to protect her and be strong for her.” It amazes me because if we think about it, there really isn’t much help I could have provided for her in the case of a robbery, financial distress, etc.
AislynnParticipantJack,
You are right,”The negative, dark forces within and without, are the ones we have to confront or avoid because they can take us down the wrong road.” I believe that the dark forces within ourselves are the ones that need the most avoidance/confrontation because we are our own worst critics. We have the power to belittle and destroy ourselves in ways no one else can, mentally. We can be our own worst enemy/nightmare.
Also, in regards to noisy loud people, I’ve never been able to stand them, it’s too much for me. I understand they must be excited, riled up, angry, etc but there is no need to bother everyone else with your noise. We don’t need to hear their conversations from more than a few feet away. And if the conversation is directed at me, well, no need to be so loud, I’m standing right there.
Ahh, routines. Regardless of how much I like to think that I don’t have a routine, I do. Several actually, for different parts of my day, and I get anxious if things don’t go as usual. It throws me off and has me thinking I’ll have a bad day, or that something bad is going to happen, I don’t know why I think that way, I just do.
And as for being control freaks, well to some extent, everyone is, just in different aspects of life. For some it’s their car, their chores, schedules, etc.
AislynnParticipantDear Anita,
I will most definitely come back to this thread. I’m sure I’ll be looking at if often as a way of further analyzing my actions and thought rationale.
I will definitely do my best to remain aware, so as to become more aware as time goes on. For now, I am aware that I choose the weak guys who need fixing because it is my understood place in the world, that I need to fix and protect, but that this is not so. I am also aware that I need a stronger guy.
Now that I understand why I am drawn to guys with issues, I think and believe I am fully capable of staying away from them. Sure, it will be hard because I’ll be drawn to help them, but I can do it. However, my question is, how would I develop feelings for a stronger guy when I meet him? After all, as you state, I’m naturally wired to not be attracted to them. I’m obviously not going to go after every single strong guy I meet. What I’m referring to is, say I become friends with a strong guy, who has good qualities and is attracted to me. How do I develop feelings for them or know that I should give it a chance. Because obviously I don’t want to get into a relationship only for me to never develop feelings for them. Will I naturally develop feelings for them over time, or is it something I will have to consciously work on for some time? As in telling myself that they are a great person, that I should love them and be happy?
Yes, you’re right the idea of rescuing someone does seem like heaven to me. It makes me feel good to know that I an helping them feel better, do better, be better, etc. It’s a great feeling for me because it makes me feel needed. I like feeling like i am needed. Even with friends, I am always trying to help.
AislynnParticipantDear Anita,
You are right in that I am likely to be attracted to men who need help or have issues. I’ve been with quite a few, and I always tried to help then fix their problems. I tried to always be there for them. I thought it was me attracting the wrong kind of guys, but now I know it was me who was choosing them. I always saw them as projects and I tried to fix them.
Thanks to your advice I will now do my best to steer clear of men who have problems. I really do need to stop getting in relationships only because I feel the need to fix them.
I like the challenge and I accept it. Although I will admit that I don’t like feeling like the weaker person in a relationship. It makes me feel vulnerable and I hate that. However, you’re right, I do need to pick a stronger man than the ones I’ve been with. It’ll be a nice change. I was once with a stronger guy, and I accepted that I was weaker. He was a really nice guy who helped me out a lot, he helped me with many problems and always listened to me. He made me feel safe, like nothing could hurt me (he was the one that my ex always wanted to fight). He was a real gentleman, and while he loved me, I didn’t feel the same way. The only reason I kept going to him was because he made me feel safe and secure,while no one else did. I know that was wrong of me, to keep him around for those reasons, but I liked feeling protected.
I can’t afford psychotherapy right now, as I don’t have a job and am in school full time. However, it is something I plan to do within the next two years or so. I’m sure talking to a therapist will do me much good. However, for now, you’ve been a great help to me and I really value that. So for now, I’ll make sure to always keep our conversation in mind when I’m feeling vulnerable, or like I need to be strong for others. Thank you Anita for all of your help. Blessings.
AislynnParticipantJack,
There are times in which I do feel like I am in control of my life. However, during much of it I don’t. The reason being that no matter how hard we might try to take control or plan things down in detail, they don’t always happen that way. We can plan our life down to the most finite detail, and be in control of our life by the choices we make, but that is not enough. There are so many things that could change in the blink of an eye,and also, it is not just our choices that affect us, but those others as well, even strangers. I do try to have as much control over my life as possible, because that’s the way I like it. I like structure, routines, dependability but life is sometimes unpredictable and I find myself unable to control the course of my life at times.
I grew up in a strict Catholic household and my grandmother would make me pray, read the Bible, and go to church with her almost everyday. While I am no longer religious, I do believe in God, and I do to some extent believe that some things are out of my control. However, I don’t believe that everything is out of my control, or that I should let God guide me and take control over every aspect of my life, that would then leave us all lying around waiting for things to happen to us, rather than us taking action.
I am still young, and don’t know where life will take me, or what I will do with my life. It scares me that I have no idea and can’t make up my mind. There are very few things that any of us can truly control because it is all connected in a way and everything is subject to change. For example, I can do my best to strictly only shop at one grocery store, but what if they stop carrying the product or are out of stock, it’s out of my control, however, what is in my control is how I react to it, whether picking it’s equivalent or going to another store. Similarly, I could try to be the best driver by always obeying traffic lights, having a safe distance from the car in front of me, using turn signals, etc. Yet it is out of my control if another driver if another driver is drunk and crashes into me, or if someone speeding rear ends me.
No matter how cautious we are, or how much we try to exert control over our life’s, there will always be uncertainty because we can’t change everything. The only thing that we can control is how we react to what happens to us, and what we make of it. And while that might not seem like much, it’s certainly something.
You’re right, control does seem to carry a negative connotation nowadays, but we all to some extent want to shape our life’s. No one wants to be poor, ill, homeless, depressed, etc, but there are forces beyond ourselves that influence what happens to us.
AislynnParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you for taking the time to read my last post, I know it was quite long. Yeah, I’ll elaborate on some points and write more about them.
1) Yes, I did love my father, and I suppose I did love him even after he left, otherwise I wouldn’t have been so affected by him leaving. Yes, his departure was indeed unexpected. So unexpected that not even my mom knew what was going on. I remember her being as surprised as me.
2) Yes, I did take responsibility for him leaving, as a child I thought perhaps I had misbehaved. That I had disappointed him or angered him in some way. However, I quickly got over that thought, and it was quickly replaced by, “I did nothing wrong, I just wasn’t worth it for him, he loved his parents more.”
3) Indeed, I did become angry. Angry that I was so vulnerable and hurt by his departure. Angry that I felt I had to fill his shoes. Angry that I felt I had to step up and protect my mother and take care of my sister. I felt he robbed me of my childhood because I felt I had to look after my mom and sister.
4) Yes, I did identify with my mother’s struggles and hurt. I saw her as the victim because I saw how my father left us with nothing. He took all our valuables in terms of money and jewelry, and in a sense destroyed our family. I also saw my younger sister as a victim as well. I tried to shield her as much as I could from what was going on.
5) Absolutely. I felt that I needed to protect and take care of my mother and sister. They had already gone through enough, and I being the eldest child felt that it was my job to step up and do all I could. My mother had to take up more hours at work in order to be able to pay the bills after we moved in with my grandmother. I saw how hard she had to work, some days she had to be away from home, traveling for work. I felt that it was my job and responsibility to help her as much as possible in regards to everything else. I took it upon myself to take care of my sister. I felt that my mother was hurt after my father left, I saw her as vulnerable and felt that it was my job to make her feel safe and happy. Anytime we were going out late at night, I always felt the need to tell her to hurry and get in the car, to lock the doors, to be careful, etc. I saw here struggling, and I saw how hard she worked, and it was all to be able to provide for me and my sister. It hurt me that she had to make so many sacrifices. It didn’t help that I knew my uncles were all belittling her after my father left. They took it upon themselves to always tell her and remind her how they had never liked him, how they knew they’d never last. (My mother’s family has always always mistreated her. They’ve belittled her, pushed her around, hit her, etc). I saw how those comments hurt her, thus I felt an even bigger need to be strong for her. To protect her. My way of protecting her was by always pretending everything was fine. Even when I was being bullied in school. I didn’t want to cause her anymore pain. Being strong meant never crying in front of her, even during movies. If I felt like crying I simply excused myself and went to my room, or the bathroom. I just didn’t want her to see me as weak, because I felt that I needed her to see me as strong. I wanted to be strong for her and my sister. Even now I’m still always trying to fix and protect my loved ones. When my mother and step dad are mad at each other I always do my best to make sure my 8 year old brother is not around. I spoil my brother and try to fill in what my mother and step dad cannot provide for him. For example, I’m in college, full time, and I make sure my schedule always falls accordingly to my brother’s needs. I am the one who picks him up from school and take care of him while my parents are at work. Sure, my parents could pay for someone to do that, but I don’t trust anyone else with him. I am very protective of him, and any problems he’s had at school, I’ve made sure that my parents let me take care of the issues. I make sure to always tell him that he needs to come for me if there is ever anything wrong. For Christmas, I go all out for him. I always buy him the most presents, make sure he is happy etc. It’s become a habit for me to hug him and give him lots of kisses, and I tell him how much I love him all the time. (I don’t know maybe this all stems from me feeling like I didn’t get all those things as a child since one parent left, and my mother was always working). I’m old enough to work, to move away from home, but I do not because of my brother. My sister is 18 and she’s old enough to move away as well. Yet, I feel that I need to stay with my family because I do not want my brother to grow up alone. So in a sense, I’m still doing the protecting and fixing.
AislynnParticipantDear Anita,
I did indeed find everything you said to be very helpful, and you’re right it is fascinating what motivates us, or how one thing can deeply affect another without us even noticing or even realizing how much it affected us.
While I do agree that my father leaving did indeed affect me. I do not want him back. Far from it. When I was little, of course I did miss him. But now, I just want him to stay away from me and my family, far far away. I say this because over the past 2 years he has gotten in contact with my uncles and stated that he wants to talk to me and my sister. He has also sent me multiple requests on Facebook, and he has been asking around about me and my sister and mom.
You’re right, I do need to write a letter to him, and thank you for prompting me to do it. It is an issue that still makes me very sad and angry, even though he left 13 years ago. I will write this letter on here, in hopes that you will read it and tell me what you think, because you have been so helpful to me, and I appreciate all you’ve done for me already. So here goes, a letter to my dad from his 7 year old daughter:
Dad,
Why did you leave us? You said you were going to get the car looked at, and you never came back. You knew you would not be coming back right? Is that why you gave me those CD’s and told me that they were for me? Why did you choose to leave without saying goodbye? You know, Mom and my teachers think I need help. They have been talking to each other. They think I don’t notice but I do. I heard them say I’m not doing good in school anymore and that they think that it is because you left. They had me talk to a lady who offered me cookies and milk. She told me to write a letter to you telling you how you felt. I remember crying a lot. It hurts, it hurts very much that you are not here anymore. I feel that you do not love me anymore and that this is why you left us. Did you grow tired of me? Did I do something wrong? I remember loving you very much and I cannot think of anything I did wrong. I thought you loved us. Mom said you left to be with your parents. Did you love them more than me? Now that you are gone, I feel that I need to be step up. That I need to protect my mom and my sister because you will no longer be able to do so. We had to move back in with grandma because Mom could not afford all the bills on her own. I don’t like grandma, she makes me cook with her and pray everyday. Just the other day I went to the store with mom and it was dark outside. I was scared that something would happen to her. As soon as we got out of the car I told her to hurry because bad people could be anywhere. Thinking like that surprised me, because I had never thought like that. And all I can think is that you caused this. I don’t want you calling mommy, or me or my sister. You hurt us enough already.Thank you Anita for having me write this letter. How was it? A lot of things came to my mind, and I had a good cry. I guess he affected me in more ways than one. I feel as though he stole my childhood away from me, and now that you had me write this letter for him, I want to take it a step further and write a letter for him, coming from his now 20 year old daughter:
Dad,
I know you’ve reached out to my uncles, and to others and that you’ve asked about me. I’ve also seen your various requests on Facebook. Just stop. I’m never going to speak to you again. I have no desire to do so and I don’t need or want you in my life. You lost the privilege when you walked away. You had the choice, 13 years ago, to stay or to leave, and you chose to leave. Now accept my choice to not want to talk to you or have you in my life. You caused me harm, and for many years I blamed myself, thinking I did something to push you away. But I didn’t do anything wrong, you just failed to say that to me. You left like a coward, without saying goodbye or giving a reason. You left, and no one was expecting it, not even mom. You should have seen the hurt on her face when she was explaining to me and my sister that you’d never come back. I know that shortly after you left you contacted mom and told her to come back with you, and she contemplated it, but she made the choice that we were better of without you. And that was the best choice she ever made. We may have struggled for several years, but everything is all right now. Mom met a great guy who makes her happy and I now have a little brother because of that, so thank you for leaving. You opened up the door for new people to come into my life. While I do feel like you stole my childhood from me, it is not entirely a bad thing. You simply opened up my eyes as to how hard life can be. So stop asking around, don’t call my uncles. Don’t ask to talk to me because all you will get is a resounding no. Whatever sob story you have, save it because you don’t know how hard life was for me after you left. I heard you told my uncles that your sources tell you that I am not in school and that I am dating a married man and that I spend my time partying. I heard they told you things about my sister as well. It’s funny how life works out, here you are begging for scraps. And guess what, those people have lied to you. It makes me laugh because what they told you couldn’t be farther from the truth. My mother raised me right, and your sources saying all those lies about me do my mother a great disservice. I’m not going to bother telling you the truth because you don’t deserve any explanations from me. I’ve already spent enough time being hurt over you leaving us. Leave me alone, I don’t want to hear anything from you ever again. Of course I know mom is still seeking her divorce from you and it makes me happy that you do not oppose. However, don’t think you’ll achieve anything more from all of this. I will be frank with you, if only to give you a warning. Stop asking around about my family, you have no right. I talked to a lawyer, and I know that getting a restraining order would require me to go to Mexico, since that is where you live. Have no doubt that if you keep insisting, you will leave me no choice. I would rather not deal with you, but if this is what it takes, be prepared for a hell of a fight, because there is no way I will let you get close to any of my loved ones. For so long I have felt like I have had to protect them from the world, I saw my mom cry when you left, and when she could not afford everything we wanted and even when she struggled to feed us. There is no way in I am letting you back in. I will fight you tooth and nail if I have to, and know this, you will not win. So turn around and go back to where you were hiding, because if you push me any further, you’ll regret it and I will do my damn best to make you regret it.Wow, these letters took a lot more out of me than I thought they would. And you’re right, I already feel better. I’m glad I acknowledged my feelings. Thank you Anita. Somewhere between the letter from my the 7 year old me, and the now me, something clicked. I felt the need to let him know that if he pushed me any further he would regret, and I didn’t say that because I want to hurt him. But because he has already hurt my family enough, and I won’t let him do it anymore. I felt the need to protect the child in me from any further pain from him, as well as the rest of my family, because I don’t want him to destroy what I have. I thought I would have corrected him about everything his sources have been telling him about me and my family. However, when I was actually writing that letter to him I realized he didn’t deserve any explanations from me. Sure, I could brag about how well I’m doing, but then I realized, I don’t care what he says or thinks anymore. It doesn’t matter what impressions he has about me because I now what I am and what I am not. I don’t need him to validate my actions anymore.
AislynnParticipantHadassah,
You’re very right about this, “It is a wonderful thing to talk out problems to come to realize YOU had all the answers you just needed a shoulder.” When I asked this question, I really was at a loss as to what to do. All I kept thinking about was my feelings for him and I had no one I could talk to this about. However, the more replies I got, the more I found myself analyzing my time with him, and somewhere throughout this whole conversation, I did realize that I had the answer all along. I just had to search deep within myself to truthfully analyze everything and figure out that it was not worth it to talk to him anymore.
“I have a good feeling you will find him.” Thank you for this. Sometimes it is hard for me to be hopeful that I will find a good guy after all I went through with my ex and my father and all the issues surrounding that. “I hope you will let us know when you find someone.” Thank you for your concern, and I will most definitely let you all know when I find someone. Thank you for all your kind words.
AislynnParticipantHadassah,
I’ve tried this already, “Tell him you want a healthy relationship and that this is the only way you are willing to become his friend again and if it goes well, then more than friends.” Not just once, but several times. I’ve tried to let him know that we need to work on our relationship and that we needed to work out or problems. However, he has never reacted very well to this. He always goes off on me when I suggest this. He starts pointing fingers and saying “Well this is all your fault. You’re the one who ruined what we had.” He then proceeds to tell me about all the people that he didn’t want me to talk to. Quite frankly, I can’t do that anymore. I made the mistake of listening to him a few times, and I stopped talking to the people he didn’t want me in communication with. Unfortunately, all that got me was isolation. I lost those people’s friendships, and the few that I regained, well it was never the same as before. I let him dictate a lot about our relationship. Anytime I confronted him about anything, he would stir up a storm about everything else or he would try to blackmail me. For example, one of the times I wanted to leave him, he told me he was in the bathroom with a gun, ready to shoot himself. Which then prompted his cousin, who I had never spoken with before, to contact me. It was hell, because I knew that I’d be held responsible for his actions. Another time after we had broken up he spammed my phone telling me he was getting drunk and listening to songs that reminded him off me. Well, he got so drunk that he ended up telling me he was in the ER getting his stomach pumped (Obviously a lie since they don’t really do that procedure for alcohol poisoning). He would also lie to me and tell me he was home sick when really he was out with his ex girlfriend (he confessed to that shortly after we broke up). How am I supposed to trust someone who continually abused my trust and manipulated me?
You’re right, perhaps I did do things that contributed to our issues in the relationship. However, after all the time I spent trying to help him, I was tired of walking on eggshells for him. EVERYTHING I said to him had to be quickly thought out, because all it took was one wrong thing to set him off. I had to use simple words around him because he hated when I used large vocabulary. He didn’t want me talking to other guys. He didn’t want me to go to college, because he wasn’t going, which is what prompted me to finally end our relationship after two years. He was holding me back. After everything I have gone through with him over the course of 6 years, I am no longer willing to walk on egg shells for him. I’m tired of having to restrain myself from being who I am. For so long I pretended to be someone I wasn’t, and that made me very miserable.
AislynnParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you so much for everything you just said in your last reply to me. I cannot express how thankful I am for what you have just said to me. Part of why I was always so eager to let him back into my life was because I wanted to help him. I didn’t want to give up on him, I wanted to be able to help him get through his issues and I wanted to help him work on his anger. However, you are right, I gave him many chances and each time he just tossed it all away, regardless of how I tried to help him. Another part of what kept me holding on was guilt. It was after we broke up four years ago that he started drinking, getting high, partying excessively. While we were together, he did not do any of that, hence the guilt. At times I cannot help but think that it is partly my fault for the way he is now. However, the rational part of me says that I cannot blame myself for his actions. Because they are just that, HIS actions, not mine. I cannot hold myself responsible for his choices anymore, like I have all this time. It isn’t healthy or good for me. He had the possibility to turn this all around many times and he did not. You’re also right that I cannot solve his issues. No matter how much I’ve wanted to help, it was never enough for him. He didn’t take me seriously and refused to see he had a problem.Also, I was reading your reply to another forum. Your reply to Dee about her breakup from hell really struck a chord with me. “Your emotional need for his love is very intense and has been so for a long time. Your need to win him over, very persistent. And not healthy.” I have constantly felt the need to win him over, even when I was with him. I felt that I needed his approval in the things I did. Me and him were very different but I made attempts to get into the music he liked, soccer, etc. All things that I never cared for, but for him I tried to like. I also tried to justify him each and every time he did something wrong. What you said next brought tears to my eyes. “Your attachment to him is fueled by unfinished business in your childhood attachment to a parent or parents, someone important to you during your formative years. There was someone whose love was very important to you, love you didn’t receive. That need of yours has been wired into this guy and you continue your efforts to win over someone.” This was something I could fully agree with. It was something I suspected was the reasoning behind why I kept trying to attempt to win him over. I can trace that back to when my biological father left when I was 7 years old. It really was traumatic for me because I can remember that day so clearly. It does make sense that this is why I always sought out his approval and why I felt the constant need to be wanted by him. I liked having him come back to me, if just to satisfy my need to be wanted. It also makes sense that this need has been wired into my ex. I can let go of my ex. However, I do not know how to get rid of that thinking.
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