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October 13, 2019 at 4:48 pm #317645
AikoParticipantMaybe itās easier for me to say this because I tend to find doing what I want easier than the average person… especially after realizing all pathways lead to that anyway & the regret of many is āwhy havenāt I done anything sooner.ā
I initially thought ājust tell him to leave.ā If heās not on the lease but has been living there for a while and refuses to, youād have to legally evict him? Idk what the laws in your state are..
Its never really hard getting ppl to leave, people make it seem hard… the hardest thing is the internal battle & struggle with feelings & emotions . If you really wanted him out, heād be out… or if you really wanted out, youād leave.
Be honest about what you want & work towards that. But donāt lie to yourself either..
October 4, 2019 at 3:39 pm #316115AikoParticipantDolores Canon YouTube.
October 4, 2019 at 3:38 pm #316113AikoParticipantItās energy. Youāre storing emotional trauma in those areas. Therapy should help. Also doing a lot of development work. Start journaling while youāre at it.
October 4, 2019 at 3:36 pm #316111AikoParticipantWriting down your thoughts & assertiveness are definitely the key.
Maybe think of someone whom you admire & respect that communicates effectively and model them. Re- teach yourself. Unlearn the unhelpful stuff you learned in your household and replace it by modeling new role models.
My parents. Well, were nonexistent other than giving birth. I literally read, watched & modeled people I respected as chosen parents. Some were celebrities but it worked all the same.
also throw away all criticism in your mind about how something should sound. Release your fear of judgment . The bigger piece is being your true self . If people donāt like it, what does that say ?
October 4, 2019 at 3:32 pm #316109AikoParticipantHim leaving was a blessing.
may be look up ātrauma bonding.ā
Itll heal with time. Start dating other people or distracting yourself with things you enjoy . A few months later, heāll be in the back of your mind. Then he wonāt be there anymore. Thatās just how our brains work.
October 4, 2019 at 3:27 pm #316103AikoParticipantOne way to helped me . Learn to fabricate healthier Attachment responses. Itās all psychology. Once you know peopleās attachment styles you realize they respond/react similarly to everybody else with that attachment style.
fabricate as in, simply google. āHow would a securely attached person a) respond to ____; b) communicate ________ ; c) assure…ā
Also learn about your attachment style (read the book).
learn your fears, learn what you avoid & why you avoid it, work on that.
Anxious people get really flustered over things they feel are simple . Probably just something not being communicated.
Also both attachment styles together tend to get into a manipulative cycle , subconsciously playing on each others triggers.
Anxious people learn to piss off avoidants because they know that will get a response. Or they do silent treatment . (All manipulative and immature.)
Avoidants learn to run when things get too intimate or close (also not healthy). Leads to no chemistry & cheating down the road.. they also learn to walk away from anxious ppl saying theyāre āneedyā rather than understanding how their avoidance is activating their partner . Then after staying away for a while they come back . Creating a vicious cycle.
Do your research. If it doesnāt help you in this relationship. Itāll help you in others.
Also set boundaries. Respect needs to be present. Let them feel seen and heard but also communicate that their needs to be respectful effective communication & consistency on both ends.
Also have a convo about both of your triggers. Work them through together. Just put it all on the table .
October 4, 2019 at 3:02 pm #316091AikoParticipantEvery relationship will trigger you.
Anxious Attachment needs development . Avoidant Attachment really needs development.
Itās about understanding how we grew up & how our parents cared or didnāt care for us, this is how it usually reflects in our relationships.
People with avoidant Attachment learn to be independent.
People with Anxious learn codependency.
Secure relationships are interdependent.
Anxious people need a lot of love & assurance. Ask your partner what they need. Meet the need. Understand as a person whoās avoidant, it may not always make sense or it may scare you- as intimacy scares avoidants.
If you really want it to work I suggest you buy two books, Attached by Amir Levine. One for you one for him.
September 30, 2019 at 1:08 pm #315237AikoParticipantThatās a relief. Iām sure Iāll be hard headed and be guilted into visiting. But not often .
Thanks!
September 30, 2019 at 12:28 pm #315223AikoParticipantThough Iāve been holding it down for 6 years on my own through and after college. Iām still young & would like to have that sense security . I have more practical ppl to rely on, but Iād never want to ask them for help because we arenāt blood.
September 30, 2019 at 12:26 pm #315219AikoParticipantYea, I guess Iād just like to know if my stuff collapses I would have somewhere to go.
September 30, 2019 at 12:24 pm #315215AikoParticipantHa! heās being immature. Spinning the convo & gas lighting. Typical guilt behavior. Not saying he did anything , but he def needs to grow up and learn how to communicate like an adult.
September 27, 2019 at 2:06 pm #314763AikoParticipantThanks Anita youāre very smart.
September 27, 2019 at 12:12 pm #314751AikoParticipantHi Anita,
as mentioned in the post & in my comment. I am trying to go back to being more social like I was in college. While utilizing a common psychological hack used amongst many well known sports psychologists when training athletes or even entertainers. Itās similar to the placebo effect. Utilizing capabilities your body already has, igniting it with an intention or by modeling someone or something that does it well . It would be followed by an integration of ego.
September 27, 2019 at 10:39 am #314719AikoParticipantI suggest reading Todd Herman
September 27, 2019 at 10:26 am #314713AikoParticipantHi Peggy , thanks so much !
ive been reading this new book on self mastery and itās helping me tons.
Thanks Anita, I hear what youāre saying. It is a gradual goal. I donāt think me saying that I want to be more sociable than 10% is unrealistic at all. But I do hear you. To paraphrase I was trying to say that before graduation Ā I actually was more sociable & post graduation and getting a full time Ā Job Iāve scaled back a bit. So Iād like to get back to where I was. I have anxiety but Iām more on the high functioning end. And Iāve managed my anxiety pretty well with self discipline and really proud of that. I believe in setting realistic goals and this is what Iām doing and holding myself accountable to .
Thanks for your comments guys.
The book Iām reading is specifically on alter ego development which is a interest of mine. (Todd Herman). If anyone can give me more examples of how a socialite would navigate this situation. Iād appreciate it!
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