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anitaParticipantDear Peter:
“However, the inner monk wants me to point out..”- “inner monk”, funny, funny Peter đ
“once the teaching are realized they are straightforward… direct experience… living truth… the experience itself… direct awareness… God as a.. verb”-
God as a noun- a being, a person, a deity; external, worshipped, obeyed; distant, hierarchical
God as a verb or symbol- a process, a presence, a way of being.
When âGodâ becomes a verb, the Ask shifts: âLove Godâ becomes âLove like Godâ, a practice.
I wonderâdoes your experience of love include me, Peter? Or is it more spacious, less personal?
Iâm not trying to trap you in dualityâIâm just curious how this living truth feels when it meets a face, a name, a smile.
How does it feel, that realized, direct, living-truth.. the experience itself? Is it a feeling of love that’s detached from people.. nothing personal..?
The experience itself, for me, feels like affection, that smile on my face and the softening of my heart when I typed out earlier “Hi non-hyena Peter đ”, and right above: “funny, funny Peter đ”. And the affection and gratitude I feel for Tee.. and my growing ability/ opening to love people.
Am I missing the point of wisdom, non-dual traditions here?
đ¤đż Anita
October 20, 2025 at 5:37 pm in reply to: âHe initiated closeness, then disappeared â still hurting months laterâ #451101anitaParticipantYou feel used, I think..?
I wish he talked with you.
So, he didn’t block you.. just didn’t reply to you, ignored you all this time? (I forgot.. how many times did you reach out to him?)
anitaParticipantDear me:
I know you work many, many hours, so, I understand you not having time to visit her.
I just looked at your earlier post, you wrote: “which I said donât feel lonely”. I misread it, I thought you wrote: which I said I don’t feel lonely.
I apologize for the misread!
“Nothing wrong with what I said.”- true, nothing wrong. I misread.
I don’t understand the current situation between the two of you. What does she want? What do you want?
Do you think the two of you are having an honest, straightforward communication?
đ¤đż Anita
October 20, 2025 at 5:06 pm in reply to: âHe initiated closeness, then disappeared â still hurting months laterâ #451098anitaParticipantDear Adalie:
“I don’t know what happened still from that night.”- maybe what happened was what you wrote back on May 8, when you started this thread, 5th sentence:
“I trusted him and let it happen.”-
It’s devastating to trust someone to stay.. and then he disappears. You want to know why.. what really happened, but no answers đ
Anita
anitaParticipantI’m on the phone, not at the computer, will reply in a few hours.
anitaParticipantDear Tee:
Always grateful to you, Tee.
“Good that you stopped those visits.. if each visit made you more and more depressed, if it killed the joy in you,”- yes it did, big time!
“then of course itâs better to stay away. The problem is â and you know it too â that even if we move thousands of miles away from our abusive parents, the emotional bond is still there. Weâre still enmeshed with them, we want them to love us, our sense of self-worth still depends on how they see us..”-
Yes, I know now more than I knew before. Actually, for the longest time, I didn’t know at all. I was too enmeshed with her to see anything clearly.
“Sometimes no physical contact doesnât mean no emotional attachment. Not at all. But of course, itâs easier to let go of that toxic emotional bond if we stop visiting the toxic parent and stop getting more of the same abuse. As you said, it only retraumatized you.”-
Every visit reopened the wound. A core, severe wound.
“However, the problem is that your emotional attachment to your mother still remained. Your inner child still wants her to love you. You still need her love and validation in order to feel lovable and worthy.. And thatâs a trap.”-
Yes. I am feeling it right now, this moment. It feels like love, undying love for her. I need to keep the love, remove the object of this love. To love the wrong person, a person that’s eagerly tries to destroy you.. me, is indeed a trap, one of the prey sacrificing its life so to please the predator.
“The goal of healing is to start feeling lovable and worthy even if our parents werenât able and will never be able to give us what we need, i.e. to meet our basic emotional needs. They gave us physical life, but many of them were not able to give us emotional nurturing, which is a precondition for a healthy personal development.”-
About emotional nurturing, long ago (adolescence, I think), I saw her as a vampire, her teeth etched in my neck, feasting on my blood.
“So weâre stunted in development, basically, because some basic building blocks are missing. But the good news is that we can make up for whatâs missing by getting those basic emotional needs met later in our lives. Itâs never too late for that..”-
It’s worth it, to heal at a later age. It doesn’t feel like it’s too late. It feels very good.. It’s about time for me to feel good about me being/ becoming me!
“But to return to your question about your mother: “Why canât she see me, Tee? Why canât she hear me?”- Because she herself was/is a wounded, traumatized child. She never received love and care during her childhood, and someone âseeingâ her and appreciating her. And so she couldnât give that to you either. She parented you from her wounds and defenses, rather than her true self.”-
I never had these thoughts, in these words: “She parented you from her wounds and defenses, rather than her true self.”
This is true, as true as can be.
“And, which is also important â she never stopped to ask herself: âwhy, there must be a better way to live. There must be something I can do to help myself. Perhaps if I change, I could have a better life. Perhaps I am contributing to my own sufferingâ. Thatâs something a person with narcissistic traits never does. And so she didnât either. In her mind, it was you who were making her life miserable â it wasnât anything that she did. She saw you responsible for her internal terror. She had no awareness of her own wounds, her own trauma, nor was she interested in learning about that. Instead, she projected the badness on you, blaming you for causing her pain and suffering.”-
W.O.W, I couldn’t have said it better. No one has ever said this to me, anything like it. So clear, so exact.
“You were an innocent, precious little girl, whom she unfortunately used as her punching bag, as a way for her to relieve her internal tensions and keep deluding herself that she is not the problem.”- it’s like you were there!!!
“I think thatâs what happened, Anita. She was someone with a lot of unresolved mental health issues, and as such, she was totally inadequate to be a parent. But she still became a parent and had two beautiful children, whom she didnât know how to parent. You two became the victims of her untreated mental health problems. Thatâs what I believe happened. I wonder how you feel when reading this?”- you are one hundred percent correct.
“Of course Iâm happy 𫶠Itâs a good feeling to be able to talk to someone honestly, with an open heart, with vulnerability, and see that openness in the other person too. And Iâm very happy that our interaction took this turn⌠itâs definitely something I cherish â¤ď¸ P.S. I like our đs too đ”-
To me, our conversation is life-changing. From suspicion, distrust, hostility on my part to => softening, trusting (because you are trustworthy!), a shift. Feels like I am rejoining the human race, the Togetherness lost so long ago, dissolving the separateness.. Because of you, Tee, because of your very intelligent input and understanding, because of your grace and forgiveness, and my ability now to receive it.
đ â¤ď¸ đ â¤ď¸ Anita
anitaParticipantHi non-hyena Peter đ
Your post brought the first smile to my face this Mon morning.
(I am using Copilot to refresh my mind with Freud’s terms)
* Peter’s Id/ inner child/ inner puppy: “a Labrador Retriever â enthusiastic, loyal, and occasionally getting itself into trouble… And the puppy? It can be house trainedâ.
The Id needs boundaries, structure, and gentle training. Like a puppy, it can learn when itâs safe to express desire, how to coexist with others, and how to channel its energy without causing harm.
* Peter’s Super ego/ inner critical parent/ inner critic (the moralizing force- âthe one that judges, scolds, or praises): “the inner monk”. Monk, a figure of contemplation, ethics, and discipline. Not harsh, shaming or punishing, but thoughtful and principled.
Copilot: “Ego â The Negotiator- The Ego is your inner adult. It tries to balance the Idâs cravings with reality. It says, ‘Okay, I hear youâbut letâs find a way that works in the real world.’… The Ego judges to protect youânot punish you. Its purpose is to balance your inner desires (Id), your moral ideals (Superego), and the real world around you.
“Peterâs metaphor invites compassion toward our impulses. Instead of demonizing desire, he suggests we treat it like a loyal puppyâtrainable, lovable, and worthy of care. The monk doesnât punish the puppy; he guides it”.
Back to your words, Peter: “Youâre right wisdom traditions, especially when codified, are often interpreted as saying âDo not judge.â But I think thatâs a misreading. Look closer, and itâs less âThou shalt not judgeâ and more ‘Judge with care.’… judge with humility and self-awareness. That lands in a similar space to what youâre pointing toward.”-
Okay, this is a relief because I cannot not judge, but I can practice judging with care, humility and self-awareness.
On a side note, I judge wisdom traditions for not being clear and straightforward. If they were clear and straightforward, they wouldn’t be so easy to misinterpret.. says I.
“Through the lens of nonduality, everything is connected. So when we judge our neighbors, weâre also judging and revealing ourselves.”- Next time I judge another person, I will think: what does my judgment reveals about me?
“P.S. Iâd also argue that the moment a thought arises and gets translated into language, weâre already judging, measuring, dividing, labeling. So again, youâre right: itâs not possible not to judge. Thatâs why itâs so important to be conscious of what we think and say⌠and to keep training that puppy.”-
Thank you for the clarity= “it’s not possible not to judge”. I wonder how many people out there, reading non-duality literature, are trying very hard not to judge, then scolding themselves when they inevitably fail..?
đ¤đż Anita
anitaParticipantDear me:
Excellent post by Tee. What the celebrity said about her vulnerability, being guarded and protecting her heart (“That vulnerability is so scary⌠Iâve spent a lot of time being guarded or protecting my heart”) fits you very much, I think.
Let’s look at the last post you submitted last night: “Basically sheâs like Ohhhhh yeahhhh!!! Come to Taiwan for a month!!!! And how sheâs exploring new places and things but she feels lonely sometimes, which I said donât feel lonely, Iâm here if you want to talk with or travel with to Taiwan/here.”-
When she told you that she feels lonely sometimes, she was honest and vulnerable. When she went: “Ohhhhh yeahhhh!!! Come to Taiwan for a month!!!!”, she was so excited and hopeful to be together with you again!
How did you reply to her?
“I said donât feel lonely,”- that’s the push. It’s cold. It sounds (to me) like you are telling her: You miss me/ you need me, but I don’t miss or need you.
Continued quote: “Iâm here if you want to talk with or travel with to Taiwan/here.”- that’s the pull: I don’t miss you (the push), but I’ll talk to you anyway (the pull)
While you are trying to protect your heart, to avoid vulnerability.. you are hurting her feelings đ, don’t you think, me?
Back to the quote by the celebrity: “and so, Iâm letting go of that feeling and just being like, âOkay, if Iâm supposed to get hurt, then this is whatâs going to happen.â I have to just allow loveâ-
To let go of the fear of getting hurt and to allow love. đŤśđ𤲠đ
What do you think, me?
Anita
anitaParticipantI wish you could have taken some time off, just to see her. The little-big things in life, things that matter.
anitaParticipantI think you’re on the west side, 3 hours from Montreal? Why can’t you, or won’t you meet her at Montreal?
anitaParticipantDear Tee:
“Youâre welcome, Anita, youâre definitely not alone. â¤ď¸ There are a lot of similarities in how we were brought up, even though it was harder for you. But mine too is a decades-long battle, years and years of working on myself and gradually healing. And there are still blocks that Iâm working on, although things are getting better..”-
Good thing, things are getting better for you đ!
“Hehe, yes đ Actually I wanted to put a smiley at the end of that sentence (âAnd of course, my answer is always: healing the inner child..â). So no offense here at all, healing the inner child is my go-to answer for most big problems đ”-
Yes it is! (I like our đs).
“Actually I didnât think to talk to your inner child directly. I thought you would do that.. I just wanted to notice that it seems your inner child is still looking for validation from your mother (based on your post on Oct 10, 12:45pm). The little girl Anita believes she is bad and she wants her mother to love her and tell her she is not bad: “I hate being bad. I donât want to be bad. Help me, help me be good. Sounded so true, 100% true.. Am I BAD.. Make HER say I am not bad. Make her say I am not..”-
“The little girl Anita is still looking for something (love and validation) from her mother â which unfortunately she most likely wonât receive. Her mother (your mother) doesnât seem to be capable of that. I can imagine that looking for validation from your mother is what might be keeping you stuck in the feeling of ‘not good enough’, the feeling of worthlessness, ‘badness’.
“Youâd need to release that longing and ‘radically accept’ that you cannot get it from your mother. That she just isnât capable of giving it to you. And that it doesnât make you a bad person, or a bad daughter. I wonder how this sounds to you?”-
Tears in my eyes right now, Tee. Little girl Anita is still Waiting (more tears in my eyes), Forever Waiting.
This very waiting has become- long ago- who I have become. The dream of her looking at me with loving eyes.. such an intense.. feels like an instinctual desire. It’s her desire, little Anita’s desire, to be loved by her mother *(throat hurts from controlled crying)
If only I could make her see me, hear me, feel me,
If only I could bridge this unbridgeable chasm, this BIGGEST distance between me and her.
(More tears in my eyes). Why can’t she see me, Tee? Why can’t she hear me?
“Well, you did apologize for what happened in the past and have opened yourself up to a different perspective. Thatâs why we can now talk to each other â¤ď¸ So itâs not quite true that itâs nothing youâve done. Youâve changed your attitude, youâve opened your heart and your mind â and here weâre now. And Iâm very happy about it â¤ď¸ “-
Oh my God, Tee.. I am speechless. You’re happy about me opening my heart and mind, happy about where we’re now?
I would never, ever want to mess it up (more tears in my eyes and heavy rain outside, this Sun night).
If you ever want to connect in real-life, I am here.
Back to my mother, I am inviting my inner child to express herself.. Please talk to me inner child.. Tell me, what do you think about what Tee said (“Youâd need to release that longing and ‘radically accept’ that you cannot get it from your mother. That she just isnât capable of giving it to you.)”-
Inner child/ little girl Anita (whatever comes to mind): It makes me very sad. I mean, really S.A.D. No, I don’t want to accept such a thing! No!!!
I’m still waiting, I’m still fighting!!!
I love her SO MUCH! I WANT her to love me back!!!
Adult Anita: That ship has sailed. Let her go, that M is incapable, just like Tee said.
Little girl Anita: She can’t love me?
Adult Anita: No, she can’t. She has no heart for you.
Little girl Anita: No heart for me?
Adult Anita: No heart.
Little girl Anita: So.. broken heart..?
Adult Anita: Broken little girl Anita’s heart.
Little girl Anita: so.. it’s time to say goodbye to Ima (tears, increasing rain outside)
Adult Anita: Yes, time to say goodbye. Goodbye to everything Ima (mother) was supposed to be.
Little girl Anita: Goodbye to.. my biggest desire, my greatest passion (MAKE HER LOVE ME!!!)
Adult Anita: yes.. say goodbye.
Little girl Anita: NNNOOO!
Adult Anita: You are the most passionate, loyal little girl!
Little girl Anita: Who, what can I hold on to..?
Adult Anita: The Truth. Let her go.. Leave her be..
Little girl Anita: I KNOW she didn’t love me. I knew it all along. I can’t change it. I never could. I can’t- never could make her love me.
(to be continued, emotional, crying).
Anita
anitaParticipant“She’s still here”- I didn’t know. I thought she’s in Asia. So, she’s still in Canada?
“wants me to travel to her”- how far is she from you?
anitaParticipantDear Tee:
Grateful for your message đ đ đ
“Good to hear that, Anita! It means she didnât manage to kill all the joy in you. There was still life in you, and it would bubble up sometimes, when you were alone, when she couldnât see you or hear you. And perhaps that life was what motivated you to move across the world from your mother and seek happiness there? In a new, far-away place where her abuse cannot reach you?”-
Yes, it did. Problem was I kept going back to her, flying across the world to see her and be with her which killed my joy every time. So, going back to the U.S., eventually, was not joyful anymore.
Every visit with her was retraumatized me, and every return to the U.S. took longer and longer to recover from time until there was no recovery (many years of depression). My healing process started in 2011. Shortly after I started therapy back then I ended contact with her, no more visits.
“Yes, thatâs tough. Whatâs hard about it that she seemed to have been functional otherwise, i.e. she didnât seem like someone with mental health issues on the outside, right? I mean, she could pretend in front of other people that she is a kind, caring person, and a kind, caring mother, right? (except for what the neighbors heard sometimesâŚ). You said she was âsoft-spoken, niceâ with your uncle, for example.”-
Yes, except that the neighbors heard and she exploded at other people too, not as often but still. One time she made such a scene in my elementary school, screaming at and threatening to hit a teacher.. in front of everyone. Everyone saw and heard. But no follow up.. I just followed the crazy woman back home.
So, the soft spoken, kind, wonderfully good person act was the norm but her BPD explosions were there, VERY explosive.
“And thatâs I guess the narcissistic part: where the person can pretend to be certain way, which is socially acceptable. Where they can keep a certain public image, which is totally different than how they are in private.”- Yes.
“So it was only you (and I guess your sister) who knew how your mother actually is. I know youâve talked about your sister before, but I donât remember if your mother treated you two differently? Was she equally harsh and abusive to your sister too?”- she hit her too, she shamed her too, but I remember so little of my sister at home. Unlike me, she was very social and was out and about with peers and their families. I was in the “home” (prison cell, really).
“Right. You knew you werenât allowed to say anything that would be ‘unacceptable’ to her, which probably meant anything genuine about yourself. She had a mild expression on her face, but you knew how she is underneath⌠and so of course, you didnât dare to be honest with your uncle.”- yes.
* I have to get ready and leave so I would like to read the rest of your message and continue this response later â¤ď¸
Anita
anitaParticipantDear Chau/ Clara:
Good to read back from you!
“Gradually I put in more and more, and I realized she started to take me for granted. A few weeks ago, I snapped and was very frustrated and upset”-
In this post I want to talk about the Snapping part. The anger problem. Not that anger in itself is a problem, but way too often it feels like too much and people .. well, people snap.
Interestingly, the topic of anger was in the title of your first ever thread on tiny buddha: “Break up after massive tantrums…” (May 31, 2016), and it was the topic of our first exchange on that same day.
Personally, I snapped at someone in real-life only a couple of weeks ago (I started a thread about it titled “A.N.G.E.R” on Oct 9 (it’s currently on the 2nd page of topics). Also, I expressed anger inappropriately here on the forums not too long ago, so I am working on my intense, inappropriate anger problem these very days.
Actually, long ago I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I no longer fit the diagnosis, yet currently working on a couple of the core traits (#2 and 5 below).
* Core Traits of BPD (Copilot):
1. Intense fear of abandonment: This can lead to extreme efforts to avoid real or imagined rejectionâsometimes through people-pleasing, clinging, or sudden emotional shifts.
2. Unstable relationships: Individuals may idealize someone one moment and then devalue them the next, often in response to perceived slights or emotional threats.
3. Shifting self-image: Their sense of identity can change rapidly, leading to confusion about values, goals, or even personality traits.
4. Emotional volatility: Mood swings are commonâranging from intense joy to deep despair, often triggered by interpersonal stress.
5. Explosive anger: Inappropriate or intense anger is a hallmark symptom. It may emerge suddenly, especially when someone feels misunderstood, rejected, or emotionally unsafe
Back to the first day we talked, you wrote: “I was in a relationship for more than a year, things have been bumpy and I havenât really felt right, occasionally I treated her with tantrum or sometime she thought I mistreated her or dismissed her, or possibly disrespected her… The massive tantrums (which did involve accusing her for the wrong doings, crying very hard and accused her for hurting me).. She said I digger things out and left her wounded. I began to get very confused since I feel I am wronged, yet I am accused of the emotions that came out from such wrongdoing… I did slap her when I knew she was still hiding some truth about the incident, while she said she had come clean. I regretted using any physical hurt and I didnât apologize and promised never to happens again. It didnât happens ever again.” (May 31, 2016).
Of course, I am not saying that you were not wronged back then when you were cheated on, nor am I saying that your current girlfriend is flawless. What I am saying is that working on your anger response can help you so much in future relationships, if not in this particular one.
If this resonates with you we can work together on this problem and help each other..?
đ¤đż Anita
anitaParticipant“and how lazy I am”- meaning.. ?
“Plus why would she wanna see me again? If you want fun times then sure.”- There’s more to you than just “fun times”. I know, because I’ve been talking with you for years. There’s a lot more to you than a performance for the pleasure of others.
There’s.. (take it from here, if you will)
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.