Dear SadSoul:

I do stay away from mirrors, I don’t know how it happened that I found myself looking in one. So, we’ll both have fur people in our lives full time. Will probably meet Archie in a few days when I feel better.

I wonder if you are at dinner with the uncle who hates you (he does?) as I am typing this, and how your pretending it’s a lovely family affair is going…

“at this moment in time it’s a good life. I’m warm and dry at night, have an interest I love that hasn’t killed me yet … and I enjoy my work as far as work goes. I DON’T HAVE INSECT BITES OR COVID EITHER!!..“- I make your life better by comparison then, with my Covid and insect bites: glad to be of service!

“I hope the itchy bites and awful throat are mending themselves while you sleep. Thinking of you“- thank you. I slept very little last night, was often thirsty and my throat makes this strange sound I never heard it make. I hope to have better news on this front soon!

anita

Dear Clara:

Re-reading your yesterday update, we have this in common: I too grew up with a very explosive parent, a mother in my case.

“he would go head to head and gets very confrontational, or explosive…  also very judgmental… he called me useless and loser because I didn’t get married. It was so hurtful for me, I almost ran away from home that time“- it’s amazing how words can hurt. Judgmental words from a parent hurt the most.

“So from young I have learned to hide my emotions“- you learned to suppress your emotions/ push them in. To not express them/ let them out.

“when she came home late, I don’t often text or call he during the time, because I didn’t want to upset her. Once she gets home, she realized I was upset and she was caught by surprise“- you suppressed your anger while she was at work (an under-reaction), and when she got home late, your anger within you exploded (an over-reaction).

That’s what suppressed emotions do. My mother suppressed her emotions a lot in-between explosions. Fast forward, I suppressed my emotions, and my suppressed emotions exploded in all kinds of ways, even without an outward display: they just felt unbearably intense.

“All I have to do, is to stay calm and collected… I guess that probably should be my stance when I meet her. Be open-minded and see what comes up“- I think that your best bet as far as your relationship goes is to indeed stay calm and collected and that will take changing the habit of suppressing your emotions => expressing them, every day. You are welcome to do so here, on your thread: to type them away, from the gut, to the outside (the computer screen).

anita

Good to read your words before you fly,(and before I go to bed)- not-at-all-wicked, SadSoul!

anita

Update for SadSoul:

I didn’t know how hell looks like until I just looked in the mirror. One eyelid is.. not how it’s supposed to be. I saw death in my eyes. I look worse than I feel. The insect bites on my arms and legs look like something from an exotic nature-movie, or a  sci-fi. My throat makes a sound it never made before. And red wine doesn’t help tonight, I can’t do more than sip once in a while.

Also, seems like I am going to have a beagle (middle-aged) live with me soon. His name is Archie, so I am told. Haven’t met him yet. I love the two neighbors’ beagles, Boe and Kooper. Hunter the beagle used to be here every day for YEARS, loved Hunter. He was killed by a deer a distance from here.

Back to the mirror incident: I look like hell, is what it is.

anita

Dear Arden:

MARRIED..! What a delight to read this, congratulations!!!

I will read the rest of your post and reply later, when I am more focused (likely Fri morning, it’s Thurs afternoon here), so tired now. Good to read from you, I was thinking about you, wondering how you’re doing.

anita

Dear Franco:

I like the direct, honest way. I am guessing there’ll be anxiety on your part whichever way you go (direct or indirect), so it’s not like the indirect way will be anxiety-free.

Plus the indirect way can bring confusion, as she may not know for sure what it is that you are looking for, and you may get confused about her replies, not knowing for sure if she is interested in you or not.

anita

Dear Franco:

“a friend of mine… told me to not catastrophize the event because It happens frequently when a man is interested in a woman to act a little awkward, happens to everybody“- when he said this to you, did you feel better/ calmer, as a result?

If you felt calmer, it means that hearing his words regulated your emotions of anxiety, embarrassment, etc.

What your friend did was take the same event that had upset you so much, and offered a different way of looking at it. Your way of looking at the event was something like this: I am one of the most unacceptably awkward man in the world,  and that’s why I was laughed at, and now, the girl knows how unacceptable I am.

These thoughts understandably, cause and fuel painful feelings of shame, despair, etc.

Your friend introduced different thoughts, paraphrased: You are not the only man in the world that feels awkward when approaching a woman, everyone feels awkward.

Same event; different interpretations.

When you notice next time that you feel anxious about a situation, ask yourself: is there a different (and possibly true) way of looking at this situation? Look at it from a different angle, see the bigger picture. This is part o Emotion Regulation.

“sometimes talking with a friend is helpful“- talking to a helpful friend is one way to regulate your emotions.

So is journaling, listening to calming music, taking a brisk walk outdoors, drinking hot tea, following guided meditations, doing yoga, Tai-Chi, and more.

“he suggested… message her on Instagram, but I don’t know what to write to start the conversation, life is short I want to know her“- you can message her that you want to get to know her. Did your friend suggest a message?

anita