Category: Uncategorized
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Holiday Love Challenge #28: Give Someone a Gift You’ve Considered Returning
Want more ideas to strengthen your relationships? Get Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges.
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Your Biggest Fear Carries Your Greatest Opportunity for Growth
“Your largest fear carries your greatest growth.” ~Unknown
I was twenty when I met him. A naive apprentice of love, I plunged into romance with no fear and I was left speechless.
It was all so new and thrilling, all I had ever dreamed about and more. It’s hard to describe how strong our bond grew in such a short time. We knew we had met our perfect match; we knew we would spend the rest of our lives together.
But one day it all suddenly became too good to be true: he confessed he had cheated on me.
My world stopped cold.
He admitted everything, from how they did it in our bed to how they said goodbye in the morning. But the most damaging secret was that I knew her.
The details of heartbreak are trivial compared to what was left of me in the long run. Over the course of one year, I had effortlessly spiraled down into a pit of misery and self-destruction. I was caught in a state of severe mental suffering that I could see no exit from.
I became grimly obsessed with the girl. I spent hours looking at her pictures, listening to her voice in videos, stalking her on social media, thinking about her, thinking about how I could hurt her so she could feel the pain I felt. So things would be fair.
I re-opened my wounds over and over again just to feed the conviction that she was better than me, prettier than me, more intelligent than me.
I was once a fearless jet setter, confident in my power as a woman, strong and intimidated by no one. But now, the thought of this girl I had only ever met once reduced me into a self-pitying, vulnerable little person.
I couldn’t go anywhere without looking for her around me. I even looked for her in other countries while traveling.
Maybe if I ran into her she would apologize. Maybe I could tell her how I really felt. There was not one day that passed that she wasn’t in my thoughts. I wondered if she ever thought about me. I wondered if she cared.
It’s been a year and I thought I would have healed in this time, but until recently the effects of this sickening hysteria were still taking their toll on every aspect of my life—my friendships, my work, my family, my social life, my physical health (I developed a tumor in my gallbladder with no explanation from doctors other than “it could be stress related”).
Everything revolved around her. Everything reminded me of her. I was sick and haunted and I didn’t understand why… until I finally saw her.
It was at a friend’s concert. Everything seemed normal until someone grabbed my arm and told me, “We’re leaving. She’s here.” I didn’t need to be told who they meant by “she.”
I’d had nightmares about this for months and this night my nightmare became reality. My heart dropped and I felt like every ounce of blood in my body was drained.
I stood up and went to the bathroom to gather my emotions for a minute. I told myself I would come out when I was ready, but I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready for anything.
I stepped out and walked toward her thinking, “I have no clue what I’m doing.” Little did I know, I was facing my biggest fear head-on with all of the strength I could muster.
I introduced myself to her again, and with two steps backward she told me she didn’t want to talk about anything.
This was when all of the delusional images I’d created of her in my mind crumbled into the truth: She was more scared of me than I was of her.
I told her I didn’t want to ruin her night but I just wanted to talk to her human to human.
We somehow managed to talk it out while I noticed how afraid and insecure she really was. She never really admitted her faults, but I told her that she’s a good person inside and that we all make mistakes.
I thanked her for unknowingly teaching me a lesson in life and then ended it all with something I still can’t believe I had the courage to do: a hug.
I walked back home trying to make sense of what had just happened and to my surprise I felt an immense sense of bliss, like my heart had just grown bigger in my chest.
I walked on knowing I had just left my heaviest weight behind, knowing I was finally on my way to where I want to go, knowing I had just won one of my hardest battles, knowing it was all over. I felt as light as a feather.
So I am calling out to all of us who ever felt stuck in the past or terrified of the future. Here are some lessons I learned from this experience that might help you in your battle against fear.
1. Take responsibility for your feelings.
We live our lives thinking others cause our discomfort and unhappiness. Whether someone hurt you or had a big impact on your life, blaming this person for your emotions is irrational.
You are the writer of your own story; you get to choose how it’s going to end and nobody else. Taking responsibility for feelings like anger, sadness, or jealousy is hard, but the truth is no one else can control what you think or feel.
2. You are not the only one.
Just like you are hurting, so is the person who hurt you; it’s just that you may never know how they really feel.
They are human, just like you, and they feel, just like you. They might not be feeling the same thing at the same time, but guaranteed they, too, may feel lost and insecure. Try to understand that we all go through the same things only at different times.
3. Deal with the present moment.
You might dislike the way a certain person or situation makes you feel and you can try to distance yourself from that place in time, but you can’t distance yourself from your own feelings. They’re inside of you, and they come with you wherever you go.
It’s important that you look at the present moment and create a healthy output for unwanted emotions (i.e.: dancing, painting, writing, singing). Ignoring your emotions will not make them go away, and when emotions build up they can eventually lead us to do things we aren’t proud of.
4. Trust fear.
Have you ever heard the quote “fear is a pointer to your next adventure”? Fear only exists within the mind; it does not exist in the world outside of us. It’s an imaginary barrier we create for ourselves, a barrier that usually appears right before something great is ready to take place in our lives.
When we make the choice to confront our fears there is a reward waiting on the other side. Trust this feeling even when it may seem counterintuitive, because where there is fear there is a hidden treasure.
Let fear show you the way.
Fear image via Shutterstock
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Healing from Abuse and Feeling Happy and Whole Again
TRIGGER WARNING: This post deals with an account of sexual abuse and may be triggering to some people.
“Scars tell us where we’ve been. They don’t have to dictate where we’re going.” ~David Rossi, Criminal Minds
When I was in my mid-fifties, I ordered cable television for the first time in my life.
My husband and I had raised our two sons mostly without TV, but now they were grown and on their own. My husband and I were divorced, and I had moved to a secluded place on the high desert to pursue a writing career.
My Internet service offered a cable option, so I figured what the hell.
Reviving the Past Through Television
One evening, while clicking through the dizzying number of channels, I landed on the series Criminal Minds. Before I knew it, I was hooked.
For several months, I became consumed with this fictional team of FBI profilers as they tracked down murderers and rapists, probing the very darkest corners of the human mind.
Sometimes I broke down sobbing. Other times I felt consumed with rage. Usually, these episodes included a young boy or girl who had been raped, molested, or brutalized at the hands of someone, often someone they knew and trusted.
These weren’t exactly buried memories coming to the surface. My paternal grandfather raped and molested me from an age so young I can’t remember not being abused.
I was one of the lucky ones though. My grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack when I was seven years old.
What I didn’t realize even after years of therapy and journaling is how profoundly that early experience affected my life.
I had taken writing workshops for women survivors of sexual abuse and had been in and out of therapy. For the most part, though, I pushed it to the back of my mind and didn’t talk about it, determined to not let my past define who I became.
At times I even became scornful of adult survivors of childhood abuse. When do you just become an adult and not a victim? I would respond. When do you move on?
Like I had.
And, yet, I kept people at a distance. I had severe night terrors. Some years they were more frequent than others.
My husband and I had loud, angry arguments. Once I hurled a jar of salsa at his pickup truck. I was barely able to suppress a rage that seemed to simmer just below the surface.
But I was also practically incapable of standing up for myself and frequently felt overwhelmed and stressed out by life. This wasn’t the way I wanted to live. I was on a quest to find happiness and joy, but at the time it seemed like some highly unattainable goal.
Taking Steps Through Conscious Choices
However, I did consciously work on my issues. Then, when I was forty-five, I moved to China to teach English, and in a small Taoist temple next to the Nandu River on Hainan Island I began to meditate.
Slowly, my inner self began to change. And in response, so did my outer world.
My husband and I parted ways, and I built a successful freelance writing career. I met a widower and decided to give love another chance. One day I realized I was truly enjoying the journey and was no longer grasping at some elusive sense of happiness. I was happy.
Then I ordered cable.
Healing Through Memory
Every day as I watched rerun after rerun of Criminal Minds, clear, vivid images began to surface. Strange as it sounds, I believe meditation prepared me to take a lesson from that TV show.
I could no longer diminish what had happened. Sometimes the fragments were so clear I could see the shoes and socks I was wearing as I followed my grandfather, like a sheep to the slaughter, out to the shed behind the farmhouse in Ohio.
I saw my grandmother watching from the kitchen window and realized she knew exactly what was going on, yet did nothing to protect me.
And I remembered inside the shed. The horseshoe—for good luck—nailed over the door. The windows looked so high, but I loved the way the light poured in through the glass and how the dust motes floated in the air. I felt like I was one of them, light and free, high above my body, circling in the clear, clean sunlight.
At times it felt like scenes that had happened fifty years ago had taken place yesterday.
But I also felt a sense of peace in owning it. I had always remembered my abuse like I was watching a movie. Distant and far away.
Now I felt it in my body. My cells remembered the fear and revulsion.
Criminal Minds also helped me put words besides “grandpa” and “maybe not that bad” to what had happened. Now I could finally name it for what it really was.
Grandpa became rapist. Pedophile. He became a man who should have been locked up for what he did to me and no doubt to many other girls during his lifetime. I may have been his last victim, but I’m sure I wasn’t his first.
And Criminal Minds finally brought home to me what my own parents had never been able to give me: as a girl child, I should have been worth protecting.
If I had been a boy I should have been worth protecting as well because both boys and girls can be victims of molest, and both men and women can be perpetrators.
Gender, class, race, religion, or economics mean nothing when it comes to the levels of cruelty humans are able to inflict on one another.
Fortunately, the same can also be said for kindness.
The Path to Wholeness
You too were worth protecting, and you too have the power to heal. It’s a lifetime journey, but it’s worth it.
These are some of the things that have helped me over the years. May they help you too.
Learn to trust appropriately.
If you’ve been abused or molested, and particularly if it happened at a young age, trust will not come naturally to you. Chances are you have poor boundaries and may open up to the wrong people while pushing away those who can help.
There’s no pat answer on how to develop trust, but do look for help among those who have experience with abuse.
My healing began on the floor of a living room in Santa Cruz, California with ten other women pouring our experiences into journals and then reading them aloud to each other.
Most important of all, trust yourself, your intuition, and your memories.
Take care of your body.
For most victims of assault, our bodies have become our enemies. Desires that should be normal and beautiful have been twisted into something sick and ugly, and often we blame ourselves.
Many victims of rape and molestation develop eating disorders. Maybe you use weight as a barrier against the world, or maybe you’re anorexic as a way to feel some control over your life.
If you practice good nutrition and exercise even if you don’t really believe you deserve it, you’ll become stronger and eventually your mind will catch up and accept that you are very much worth taking care of.
Honor your many “I’s.”
Disassociation is a common defense mechanism for children who are being abused. We go somewhere else.
I became a dust fairy dancing in the sunlight. Maybe you retreated into fantasy or simply blanked out.
If your memories of the event are sketchy, this may be why. The downside of disassociation is we feel fragmented, but the truth is, it may have saved your life. With help you can bring those disassociated selves together into one stunningly creative individual.
Be proud of the courage and imagination it took you to survive.
The journey toward wholeness is an exciting and gratifying path to follow. Finding a calm center to move out from will keep you safe as you travel through your past traumas.
Woman standing in the sun image via Shutterstock
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How to Foster Better Relationships Just by Being Present
“When you love someone, the best thing you can offer is your presence. How can you love if you are not there?” ~Thich Nhat Hanh
I love to pose a question in my journal and watch carefully for the myriad responses from The Universe. I always know how much attention something needs based on the quantity and clarity of the answers I receive.
Lately I’ve been pondering the question: How can I be a better sister, daughter, and friend? The Universe has been responding with a metric truckload of answers.
The common theme?
Get present.
With our busy lives, we’re always ticking boxes off a long list and thinking about the next thing we have to get done. We’re constantly in doing mode.
Sometimes it can feel like a burden or an annoyance to have to stop, even momentarily, for the people we love.
It seems a little backward, don’t you think?
Getting present requires a certain level of self-awareness.
It is about putting aside your own thoughts, worries, fears, and insecurities and genuinely taking an interest in what that person is saying.
When you press pause—physically and mentally—and hold a space for a person to express themselves fully, that person feels valued, heard, seen, and loved.
And that’s all any of us ever really want.
So how can we bring more presence to our relationships?
Intention
Start with setting an intention to be more present.
It sounds so simple. And it is. Yet many of us enter our relationships with a nonchalant air and very little intent.
As you begin to engage with the people you love, the intention to be more present acts as a reminder, anchoring you into the present.
You become aware of those times when you are most present and those times when you are not. And you’ll notice what distracts you from the present moment. Phone calls, to-do lists, busyness overload, social media—whatever it is.
When you become aware of this stuff, you can work with it or eliminate it so it doesn’t keep distracting you.
Intention is where it starts.
Support Yourself
I support others by supporting myself.
Next time you’re engaging with someone, take a moment to check in with where you’re at and ask if you’re supporting yourself.
By this I mean, are you centered, confident, and calm? Or, are you up in your head? Is there a story running?
I’ll give you an example. I have a tendency to overcompensate when I meet someone new, someone I potentially want to be friends with. I’m overly nice to the point where it’s almost awkward and uncomfortable. Why do I do this?
At some point, I stop supporting myself and I retreat into my head.
Here, there is a story running: “What if I say the wrong thing? What if she doesn’t like me? Have I got something in my teeth? Did I put deodorant on this morning? What if I have nothing to say in response to what she’s telling me?” And on and on it goes.
Yup. As I write this, I see how ridiculous it all sounds. But this is what happens. I stop supporting myself and let my mind run away with the show.
The result? I lose my presence.
The same can be said for interacting with people I know well, like family members and good friends. The story is not necessarily the same, but the outcome most certainly is.
When I support myself, I am connected and grounded. I easily retain the finer details of the conversation. And later, I remember to follow up to see if the person is feeling better/got that job/went on that second date.
I speak from my heart rather than from my head, bringing value to the conversation. I set adequate boundaries. It actually makes me a better sister, daughter, and friend.
Supporting yourself is essential to supporting those around you.
This doesn’t have to be difficult. It might look like:
- Clearing your busy schedule and creating some space just for yourself
- Saying no
- Focusing on your breath
- Learning to meditate
- Exploring the stories that are running in your head (journaling and kinesiology are my favorite mechanisms for self-exploration)
How does presence influence your relationships? Have you noticed the dynamics of the relationships change? Can you feel the connections strengthen with your presence?
Couple doing yoga image via Shutterstock
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Improve Your Communication: How to Address Big Issues in Your Relationship
“Communication works for those who work at it.” ~John Powell
I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years now. He’s a great guy. We get along well, we complement each other, and we have a lot of fun when we’re together.
Still, despite our mutual desire for a great relationship, we occasionally run into roadblocks, otherwise known as growth points.
Recently we’ve been going through a bit of a rough patch while revisiting unresolved dramas. What enables us to handle these dramas well is our willingness to show up and communicate.
Through our three years together, I’ve learned a few things about effective communication. If you’ve found it difficult to share your thoughts and feelings and work through issues in your relationship, this may help.
1. Schedule a time to talk.
This is most important when it comes to discussing the heavier subject matter of your relationship.
Even though I know this and I follow this rule regularly, an impulsive side of me failed to abide by this rule in one of my most recent discussions with my boyfriend. And I paid the price.
We were lying in bed one night and the topic of concern came up. My heart leaped into my throat and I felt like I just had to say something. I decided to open the can of worms right then and there. He did not like that.
He felt ambushed, which is understandable, right? I didn’t give him the opportunity to prepare. He had no idea what was coming!
He got angry. He closed down. And, in turn, I didn’t feel heard and thought he didn’t care about my feelings.
In reality, I didn’t do what I know is best to do: schedule a time to have a conversation. So, even though I let myself get upset and hurt about it, it was my responsibility to broach the conversation from a different angle. I had to let go of my hurt feelings and honestly examine where I dropped the ball.
If I had scheduled a time to talk, then he would have been more willing to communicate with me. Honoring other people and their feelings allows both parties to fully show up, be heard, and hash things out collaboratively.
2. Know your desires and intentions.
Returning to the same scenario as above: I eventually decided to ask him for an appropriate time to talk. We agreed on dinnertime the next night.
As we sat down and the conversation opened up, I decided to share with him my intention and desire for the conversation, beyond the topic for discussion.
My true intention was to have open, clear, loving, positive, and collaborative communication with him. It’s important for me to be in a relationship in which conscious communication is the mainframe.
I used the analogy that if either of us were unhappy about something and the other person or both of us were unwilling to communicate about it, then that would be like sticking a thorn in our relationship and choosing to allow it to deteriorate. It’s sweeping matters under the rug instead of dealing with them straight on.
By sharing this, he immediately opened up because he knew where I was coming from and that my intention was positive and for the good of our relationship. He could relate to that because he desires and intends the same thing.
3. Be prepared to lead the conversation.
If you plan a time to talk with your partner about an issue in your relationship, be prepared to lead the way.
My boyfriend and I have had several deep conversations over the last few months. So, at this point, I knew it was best for me to be prepared.
In the past, when I failed to gather my thoughts in advance, I fumbled over my words and wasn’t quite sure what to say. I knew what the topic of conversation was, but I failed to produce anything productive, at least, not right off the bat.
And finally…
4. Take responsibility for, honor, and share your feelings.
It wasn’t until I started sharing my feelings, without blaming (i.e. “I feel angry…”), that I started to feel heard and the conversation felt worthwhile.
If I had continued to hide how I felt and just talked about how to solve the problem, then I would have continued to feel like something was wrong. And when that occurs, the first thing that comes to mind is that this communication thing just doesn’t work. I eventually want to withdraw.
Facilitating communication with another goes both ways. I had to learn what works to open me up, as well as what will allow him to feel safe to open up as well.
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Communication is crucial for healthy relationships. We develop intimacy as we learn to navigate each other’s rocky inner terrain, continually allowing the other to feel deeply loved and safer in our presence.
Following these simple and practical steps can make communication much easier—and much more effective.
Couple looking at each other image via Shutterstock
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10 Truths About Real Love (It’s Not Always Like the Movies)
“No relationship is all sunshine, but two people can share one umbrella and survive the storm together.” ~Unknown
In a world duped by wild expectations and soaked Ryan Gosslings, my recent engagement to my partner Rob got me thinking: No one writes a letter every day for a year and talks about it in the rain.
So, to anyone out there ready for love, these are the lessons I have to share.
1. You may find love where you least expect it.
We met in a bathroom. At a gay bar. I’m not saying people don’t find love when they’re looking for it, or that it’s never magical, but you’re probably not going to meet when and where you think.
2. Technology is tricky.
Once you’re in a committed relationship, I think everyone would agree it’s time to delete the dating apps. The rest is totally subjective.
For example, you may not see the harm in liking a picture of your ex on Facebook, but your partner might. Either way, it’s definitely worth having a conversation on what you both agree is socially kosher online.
3. Jealousy can be healthy (in moderation).
Like booze, too much is bad for you, but a little here and there can actually be good. Rob once said, “You should be glad I’m jealous. Otherwise, it would mean I didn’t care.”
I know it sounds sort of twisted, but as long as there is trust, a little jealousy acknowledges you have something other people might want, and your partner knows it. Take it as a compliment.
4. It doesn’t matter if you’re gay, straight, or anything in between.
A relationship is a relationship. That’s that.
5. It’s like the movies, but not at all.
My improv teacher once said, “Every scene should be like the movies. Today is the day.”
Aliens are invading, a meteor needs to get blown up, your best friend is getting married—whatever it is, it’s going down, and it’s going to be super dramatic, hilarious, or terrifying.
Unfortunately, this intensity is not sustainable. Life has a lot of uneventful moments, and your relationship will too. No one wants to see a movie about two people spending an entire day on the couch. And that’s perfectly okay.
6. Seriously, everybody fights.
There are a lot of things you can do to prevent most fights, like communicate more and drink less. But when it does come to blows, remember that you can still get your point across without being mean about it.
7. Sex is easy. Working together is hard.
Some things come naturally, but packing up your entire apartment and filling a 17’ U-Haul isn’t one of them.
The cool thing is, the more you work together, the more you come to understand each other’s strengths, and for better or worse, weaknesses. Ultimately, it’s not just about you anymore. You’re a team. And as cheesy as that sounds, it’s the truth, Ruth.
8. Breaking up can actually be just a break.
About a year into our relationship, I took a job in Denver. Rob and I subsequently broke up. It was definitely one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but also one of the best.
Six months later, I moved back to Chicago with a renewed appreciation for the city, my friends, my family, and most of all, Rob, who (lucky for me) was still there. But there’s no denying breaking up is risky stuff.
9. It’s a package deal.
So that means antique shopping with your future mother-in-law, introducing yourself to that one friend for the fifth time, or discovering a close friend is actually an old flame.
10. Companionship is conscious.
We choose to be in a relationship. It’s a choice you will make every day for as long as you want.
I know I’ve got someone very special. And I know it took a lot of learning and growing to realize it.
So here’s to real life, sharing what you know, and the absolute “yes.”
Movie romance image via Shutterstock
