Category: Anger

  • How I Got Stronger and Healthier After Giving Up Animal Products (A Vegan Q&A)

    How I Got Stronger and Healthier After Giving Up Animal Products (A Vegan Q&A)

    “Your body is precious. It is your vehicle for awakening. Treat it with care.” ~Buddha

    Not that long ago, I ate meat every single day. Every. Single. Day. For breakfast, I used to have fried eggs with feta or cottage cheese and turkey ham. My lunch consisted of minced beef or chicken with veggies. My dinner was then either leftovers from lunch or more meat/fried eggs/sometimes fish with veggies and cheese.

    I followed an intense workout routine, went to the gym five to six times per week to lift weights, and on top of that did another two cardio sessions per week in a beautiful park close to my apartment.

    The best I could do for my health, according to my personal trainer, was to stick to a high-protein, low-carb diet with lots of animal protein and avoid refined sugar. That also meant to drink one or two whey shakes per day.

    For some people, this might sound exhausting or even brutal. At the time, though, I loved my fitness lifestyle and was proud to be as lean as I was.

    For two years, this was my life, until I was offered a job abroad, which I accepted totally thrilled. This new opportunity was so exciting and full of possibilities! Sadly, I had to reduce my workouts and started to lapse when it came to my diet, meaning I ate significantly more carbs than before.

    I worked non-stop around the clock. Soon, I started to get sick more often. Despite a job change, things got worse.

    There was always something wrong with my body, either infections or injuries, which prevented me then from working out. The lack of exercise in turn led to feeling weaker. On top of that, I had to deal with a very toxic work environment, constant stress, internal gossip, difficult clients, and a lack of professional structure to only name a few unpleasant job-related factors.

    Whenever I was feeling slightly better, I used to fall ill again. I started to gain weight and lost muscle mass. It was like a vicious circle with no way out.

    The biggest support came from my boyfriend, who was there to take care of me. He was and still is my emotional rock. I don’t know what I would have done without him.

    Once you move abroad, your social circle shrinks considerably (at least mine did), thus making it hard to not feel lonely at times. Most of my closest friends who are my social support system live either in my home country or in other parts of the world making it difficult to connect.

    This state of mental and physical exhaustion lasted for a year and a half until I found the courage to walk away and quit my job. Once I had done that, I’d gotten rid of one of my biggest stress factors. Finally, I had time to focus on taking care of my health, body, and mind again.

    As a documentary lover, I started watching food and health related documentaries. They all had one strong message in common: the promotion of a plant-based diet. According to those documentaries, following a whole-food, plant-based diet solves a lot of environmental and, to my surprise, health issues. I was intrigued!

    I had a couple of friends following a plant-based diet already, so the idea wasn’t entirely new to me. A few weeks before quitting my job, I had suffered another internal infection and, therefore, reduced my meat intake to only once a month, following the advice of my gastroenterologist.

    Questions started popping up in my mind: What if I could get rid of all infections by cutting out animal products completely? What if my body could recover from all the diseases?

    I made my boyfriend watch those documentaries as well. He was shocked about the impact of animal products on our health. It took us a split second to decide that we were more than ready to give the plant-based diet a go!

    The change was easier than expected; there was not a lot we had to get rid of in our kitchen and not a lot of new ingredients to buy either. Cooking and preparing healthy dishes has always been one of our favorite hobbies, and having things like quinoa or amaranth in our kitchen has been normal.

    I quit drinking milk in 2013 and have loved almond milk since then, (Did you know that humans are the only animal species drinking milk from another animal, though this hormonal drink is only intended for baby calves to grow?)

    The only dairy products left in our fridge were five cups of Greek yogurt, a piece of butter, and a variety of cheese. Together with our last organic eggs, everything found a new home in a friend’s kitchen.

    Since the change, I feel so much better. It turned out that my new lifestyle wasn’t as complicated and hard to follow as I first imagined it would be. (I have to admit, having a special someone by your side doing the exact same thing makes it a whole lot easier.)

    The infections in my body have decreased, and I don’t get sick as easy and often as before. Finally, I’m able to go to the gym to work out again. Not as intense as I used to, but on a regular basis.

    I’ve consumed a high amount of animal products in the past, which is kind of the norm in our society. However, triggered by the lack of exercise and paired with a high stress level, it’s likely, that among other things, my high-animal-protein diet led to the many infections, a high level of inflammation, and a variety of illnesses I was struggling with.

    The change to a plant-based diet isn’t a magic bullet, but it plays a big part when it comes to living a healthy life, in my opinion.

    Sure, there are more things to consider like surrounding yourself with loving and compassionate people, regular exercise, being kind to yourself and others, and practicing gratitude, forgiveness, and mindfulness. Having said that, it would go beyond the scope of my post to delve into those topics.

    There’s this cliché and certain image that comes to everyone’s mind as soon as you mention the word “vegan.” Unfortunately, it’s often seen as being difficult or just plain weird. 

    That’s why one thing has been very important to me right from the start: I don’t want to be defined by the diet I follow. What does that mean? I simply don’t broadcast it and especially don’t use it to strike up a conversation. What I choose to eat and what not is not that big of a deal. Even some of my friends still haven’t noticed yet.

    However, when the subject comes up, the questions from friends, family, and sometimes complete strangers are often similar. Some people are really interested in my choice; others judge me for it. That’s the reason I felt compelled to write an honest Q&A, including the challenges I face in my everyday life and the personal benefits of my food choice.

    Being vegan and following a healthy whole-food, plant-based diet shouldn’t come with a stigma in our society. Let’s encourage an open, respectful, and honest conversation instead.

    Honest Q&A

    Why did you change to a vegan diet?

    Mostly because of health issues I was facing. I wanted to know if my health would improve with a plant-based diet. The high amount of animal products that our society consumes increases the likelihood of getting type 2 diabetes, cancer, strokes and heart attacks. All those diseases run in my family.

    What did you have to change in your everyday life?

    Not much, since I ate veggies and fruits lately most of the time anyway. I don’t cook with regular cheese or eggs anymore, which was the most difficult part in the beginning, because I truly was a cheese-aholic. There’s a scientific explanation for that, though. Long story short: Cheese triggers the same receptors in our brains as heroin, which is why I never met someone who doesn’t like cheese. Our society is simply addicted to it.

    Ok… what documentary did you watch?

    The first documentary I watched was Cowspiracy, followed by Food Matters and What the Health? The most comprehensive and objective one, in my opinion, is Forks over Knives. If you’re interested in the topic, I recommend to watch that one first. All documentaries are available on Netflix.

    Will you never eat meat again?

    I’m not entirely sure about that. Right now, being on a plant-based diet is definitely the right thing for me. However, a certain diet doesn’t mean that you have to be abstinent or else you’ll relapse and you have to start from zero again. Everybody should decide that individually since diets are such a personal topic.

    But you’re so limited now! What do you eat? There’s nothing left!

    At first glance, it might seem that way, especially if you’re used to eat only animal products. But there’s so much variety in all kind of different cuisines. So here’s what I eat:

    • Fruits
    • Vegetables
    • Whole-food options

    This Vegan Food Pyramid breaks it down nicely.

    My usual breakfast consists of:

    • Oatmeal with berries, banana, and almond milk
    • Or smashed avocado on dark bread

    For lunch I often have:

    • Stir-fried veggies with brown rice or quinoa
    • Sometimes I order veggie pad thai without any egg
    • Veggie sushi with brown rice (there are many different options at our local sushi stores)
    • A yummy salad with steamed vegetables, nuts, avocado, and pomegranate seeds

    For dinner, I love to make for example:

    • Zoodles (zucchini noodles)
    • Whole-wheat pasta with tomato sauce or pesto
    • Pineapple curry with dhal
    • Guacamole with sweet potato fries
    • A fresh tomato soup

    I currently live in the Middle East, so I also indulge in the local cuisine e.g.:

    • Hummus, one of my favorite dips made of cooked, mashed chickpeas, tahini, and olive oil
    • Falafel, deep-fried balls made of ground chickpeas
    • Baba ghanoush, a dip made of grilled eggplants and diced vegetables
    • Moutabal, another grilled eggplant based dip mixed with tahini
    • Loubieh bil zeit, green beans in olive oil with ripe cooked tomatoes and garlic cloves
    • Mouhammara, a spicy paste-like dip consisting of mashed hot peppers, olive oil, and ground walnuts
    • Alayet banadoura, super yummy sautéed tomatoes stewed with garlic, pine seeds, and olive oil

    There’s a ton of plant-based desserts as well that can be made at home easily. If I ever need a sugar fix, I get a piece of 90% dark chocolate, which also is vegan.

    But what about proteins? You need meat to cover that!

    Yep, I get that a lot. While this is wrong, it’s a strong belief in our society. But here’s a thought experiment: Where do the animals that we eat get their protein from? They eat plants; it’s as simple as that. High protein plant sources for example are lentils or edamame.

    You can’t eat pizza anymore. Or burgers. Don’t you crave those sometimes?

    I do crave pizza and burgers. And I eat them. The funny thing is that I don’t crave the meat or the cheese, but the comforting experience eating with my hands.

    There are vegan pizza ordering options or great recipes for easy plant-based pizza dough and vegan cheese. Same thing with burgers: There often are vegan patties available when ordering in. It’s also easy to make them at home e.g. crispy quinoa patties. And yes, they’re really yummy!

    Isn’t a plant-based diet expensive?

    Surprisingly, it’s not. The most expensive things we used to get at the supermarket were meat and eggs followed by cheese. Now we save up to 30% when we do our grocery shopping.

    I’m sure you’re not getting all your vitamins and nutrients without animal products.

    I hear this often, but it’s not true. A plant-based diet provides a ton of vitamins and minerals. I only take one supplement, which is Vitamin B12. Not only vegetarians and vegans suffer from Vitamin B12 deficiency, though, but also people consuming meat. Apart from that, I don’t lack anything.

    Sometimes, I read that you have to get Vitamin D supplements as well. Vitamin D however is produced by our own body as soon as our skin gets exposed to the sun and not by eating animal products. Other people believe they need to drink milk in order to get their calcium intake for a healthy bone structure.

    Surprisingly, studies confirm that a higher calcium intake leads to weaker bones and a higher amount of bone fractures. If you’re interested in those findings, please read here for further information.

    Don’t you miss anything?

    Surprisingly, not as much as I thought I would.

    What do you miss most?

    One of my favorite drinks was Baileys on ice, which I don’t drink anymore. Sometimes I miss that. And chocolate ice-cream.

    Are you now also a hippie-kumbaya-singing activist who only showers once a week and chains herself to train tracks?

    Okay, I made that one up. But unfortunately that’s the image a lot of people have once you mention being “vegan.” Let’s change that together!

    So you don’t eat fish?

    No, I also don’t eat fish or seafood anymore. But I do eat sushi stuffed with vegetables and avocado.

    Challenges I Face in Everyday Life

    Restricted choice of dishes in restaurants. Some restaurants only offer food options with animal products, and every dish contains at least butter or cheese. I only noticed that once I started studying the menu more intensively, and was really in disbelief.

    The wait staff gets often confused as soon as you mention “plant-based” or “vegan.” So I usually avoid it whenever I can and order instead the vegetarian option “without [insert animal product].”

    Depending on the country you live in, there’s a limited availability of some products. I’ve never seen the vegan Ben & Jerry’s ice-cream, for example, or any vegan cheese options in the U.A.E. In my home country Germany, however, there are even vegan supermarket chains.

    Few coffee shops offer milk substitutes like almond and coconut milk. Okay, this is kind of a first-world problem, but I need to get my daily coffee fix. Some coffee shops offer soy milk as the only milk alternative, but I don’t like the taste of it. Also the many controversial studies regarding soy simulating estrogen in our bodies confuse me, so I try to avoid larger amounts like a cup full of soy milk.

    Endless discussions with so-called friends or acquaintances who feel entitled to judge my food choices. It saddens me.

    Encounters with people who offer their unsolicited advice on how veganism is bad for my health (without having a nutritional background or an interest for healthy diets in general).

    I never try to educate people without them asking me first, but rather respect the choices everybody makes. Sadly, I rarely come upon the same behavior. However, if someone is genuinely interested in my choice, I’m happy to tell them about it and share my experience. I strongly believe in the saying ‘live and let live’.

    Noticeable Benefits of My Whole-Food and Plant-Based Diet:

    I sleep like a baby.

    My digestion improved significantly.

    My life got simpler. I always read the ingredients table on the food packaging in the past. Most of the time, I was worried about the origin of animal products. Did that hen live in a tiny cage in the midst of her feces? What did she eat and where did she lay her eggs? Does “organic” really mean organic? What about antibiotics? Is that really grass-fed beef?

    Since I cut out animal products, I only have to worry about the origin of fruits and veggies. Most of what we buy has organically grown in the U.A.E. or has been imported from Asia. I don’t like the thought of fruits or vegetables being flown around the globe, often only ripening on the plane, so we humans can indulge in whatever is not in season at the moment (or never) in the country we live in.

    My skin got a lot better.

    I feel healthier and more energized.

    I cook and bake more and love it.

    Some people claim that going vegan helps with weight loss. I’d say it depends from which weight and lifestyle you’re starting. I didn’t lose any weight, but my weight and body composition are also considered normal. Still, my goal is to fit into my jeans and tight dresses from my lean past with more ease, thus to reduce body fat. The journey is the destination.

    We spend less money on grocery shopping.

    I believe, that my choice reduces animal cruelty and environmental pollution.

    My action alone might not make much of a difference, but the actions of a lot of people do.

    Have you ever struggled with your health? What was your approach toward getting better?

  • Tiny Wisdom: Your Feelings Are Real and Valid

    Tiny Wisdom: Your Feelings Are Real and Valid

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    “Feelings are real and legitimate.” -Unknown

    One of the most frustrating things in the world is feeling something painful and having other people tell you that you shouldn’t be upset.

    That it’s no big deal that relationship didn’t work out, or that opportunity didn’t pan out—that it’s all in your head, so you should let it go, suck it up, and move on.

    A while back, a friend of mine got fired from a new job after her first day. We were out in a group when she got the call, and several of us watched her emotions slowly build to gut-wrenching tears.

    Naturally, everyone wanted to console her, but that quickly turned into a rapid fire succession of reminders that it really was no big deal—no one died—and she shouldn’t feel so crushed.

    I understand it can be helpful to put things in perspective, and I know there were good intentions behind those words, but I found myself wondering if it ever helps to tell someone that they should be feeling something else.

    No matter what someone else thinks about our circumstances and how we should respond, our feelings are not imagined.

    If you’re mourning a loss of any kind, you don’t have to pretend you’re not hurt. Know that your feelings are real and valid.

    If you’re missing the way things were, you don’t have to pretend you’re not sad. Know that your feelings are real and valid.

    If you’ve been betrayed, disrespected, or violated in any way, you don’t have to pretend you’re not angry. Know that your feelings are real and valid.

    We are only human, and we are going to have times when we feel wounded, sometimes over events that would challenge anyone’s sense of composure, and sometimes over things that may seem insignificant to everyone but us.

    In those moments, we may feel an overwhelming surge of emotion without really knowing the words to express it. Maybe the key is to simply feel it, without stressing about whether that’s right or wrong, and then give ourselves some time to understand what’s going on in our heads and our hearts.

    We can either judge our emotions, telling ourselves we should be stronger, or accept them for what they are, and then allow ourselves space to recognize what we can think and do to feel stronger.

    Photo by The Wandering Angel

  • Tiny Wisdom: What Unmet Expectations Mean

    Tiny Wisdom: What Unmet Expectations Mean

    “Anger always comes from frustrated expectations.” -Elliott Larson

    Before I left for my two-week holiday family visit, I asked my boyfriend to wash our sheets before I returned. I hoped to come home to a clean, organized apartment, with everything as I left it. That is not, however, how things panned out. Instead, I came home to a somewhat disorganized space and a pile of dirty towels—along with an empty refrigerator.

    My boyfriend told me he’d been busy, and he didn’t have time to do all the laundry or go food shopping. I translated “I didn’t have time” to mean “I assumed you’d do it when you got back.”

    At first, I felt annoyed. I thought, “I wouldn’t leave laundry for you,” “I would have bought at least some staples in case you were hungry,” and a few other righteous gripes about his domestic shortcomings.

    I was going to let him know it’s not okay to take me for granted, but then I realized something: I was assuming his actions meant that, when they may, in fact, have only meant exactly what he said—that he got backed up and didn’t have time.

    So instead of expressing my dissatisfaction with the expectations he didn’t meet, I expressed exactly what I felt: “When you say you don’t have time to do things around the house, I sometimes assume you expect that I will do them.”

    He responded, “I don’t expect that at all. I expected I would do them later tonight. I know you’re busy too.”

    This right here, I suspect, is the cause of most conflict in relationships: one person does something or doesn’t do something, and the other makes assumptions about what it means.

    I have done it many times before—assumed the worst in someone I love because they didn’t do what I would do. But this rationale fails to consider that other people have different ways of doing things, and they have no idea what meanings we’ll assign when they choose to do things their way.

    They also can’t know precisely what we expect unless we express it. I asked my boyfriend to wash the sheets, and he did. But more importantly, he’s a thoughtful, considerate person on the whole, and this one incident was not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

    We have a right to communicate when we feel hurt or offended, but maybe love is learning to be hurt and offended less often. The people we care about are generally doing their best—love is recognizing that instead of assuming the worst.

    *I added this to the comments, and I decided to add it here: For anyone reading this who feels an overall sense of over-compromising–and as a result sacrificing their needs and losing touch with their values–please know this post is not for you.  This post is for anyone who, like me, is in a happy, healthy relationship, romantic or otherwise, but gets annoyed by little unmet expectations here and there. 

    Photo by torbakhopper

  • Tiny Wisdom: Why We Harshly Label People

    Tiny Wisdom: Why We Harshly Label People

    “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to a better understanding of ourselves.” ~Carl Jung

    The other day someone I love, who we’ll call Tania, got in a massive fight with her boyfriend. She called me to explain the situation, and ultimately got frustrated because I wouldn’t agree that he was not only wrong, but also a jerk.

    The next day, she and I had a disagreement that ended with her yelling at me. When I discussed this with someone else who loves us both but frequently clashes with Tania (not my finest decision), she quickly turned on Tania, calling her a jerk.

    One hour later, I received an email from someone who wanted to let me know she got my book as a gift, but would never have bought it for herself because it wasn’t about Buddhism and was, therefore, pathetic.

    It was an emotionally draining day, but in this moment I stepped outside it to think about the reductionist instinct.

    It’s when we fail to consider complex factors, and instead reduce a situation to one simple explanation—in these cases, one harsh judgment.

    Maybe you’ve been there before. Someone hurts you deeply, and you decide they did it because they’re a bad person. Or someone says something that threatens a belief you hold dear, so you decide they’re ignorant.

    It’s easier to label a person or a thing than it is to look below the surface, and look within to understand why we’re reacting so strongly. That’s not the most comfortable thing to do.

    I know I’ve been there before. For me, it often happens when I feel someone isn’t prioritizing me. This can make me start doubting myself—but it’s far easier to label that person as selfish or inconsiderate than it is to acknowledge that I’m feeding into old insecurities.

    Other people aren’t perfect. None of us are. People will make mistakes sometimes. At other times, they’ll do things we simply don’t agree with, and it will be tempting to make them wrong so that we can feel good about being right or better about being hurt.

    But all this does is create a world of people accusing each other to avoid looking within. Ultimately, those are our choices: assume the worst in other people, or understand why we feel the instinct to do it, and in doing so, bring out the best in ourselves.

    Photo by AlicePopkorn

  • Tiny Wisdom: Let Go

    Tiny Wisdom: Let Go

    “If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace.” -Ajahn Chah

    It’s hard to feel peaceful if you dwell on why you should be angry. If you want to feel free, let the story go.

    It’s hard to feel good if you feel like you deserve to feel bad. If you want to feel happy, let your self-judgment go.

    It’s hard to feel satisfied if you feel like everything needs to be perfect. If you want to feel content, let your perfectionism go.

    It’s hard to feel balanced if you like you need to be busy. If you want to feel centered, let the pressure go.

    It’s hard to feel relaxed if you’re clinging to fear or anxiety. If you want to feel at ease, let your worries go.

    It’s hard to feel loved if you mistrust everyone else. If you want to feel connected, let your suspicions go.

    It’s human nature to cling to things that don’t serve us from time to time. But every moment is a new opportunity to let go and be free. Take a deep breath and let go.

    Photo by gtall 1

  • Tiny Wisdom: Less Pain, More Love

    Tiny Wisdom: Less Pain, More Love

    “The most important thing in this world is to learn to give out love, and let it come in.” -Morrie Schwartz

    There are some people we feel we’ll never understand. They make choices we’d never make, they don’t understand why we do what we do, and they don’t give us what we need in our relationships with them.

    Vegetarian author and advocate John Robbins had a man like that in his life. That man was his father, and the thing he didn’t know to give was love.

    I saw John speak this weekend at Bonfire Heights, the retreat I mentioned yesterday. His father, Irv Robbins, co-founded the ice cream company Baskin Robbins, and lived a life dominated by the pursuit of more.

    Irv believed children should be seen but not heard, and fathered with an authoritarian coldness. In fact, years later, after Irv held his autistic grandson—the first time he ever held a child—he asked John, “Do you think all children need love, or just those kind?”

    John could have unleashed a lifetime of bitterness for a childhood without warmth and affection. But instead he saw his father for who he was in that moment—an old man from a different time, who was open to learning a different way.

    Years later, when Irv was on his death bed, John repeatedly kissed his forehead as morphine dulled his final pain. Irv asked John why he did that, and he responded, “Because I’m showing my love.”

    Irv responded, “That’s been important to you, huh?” Followed by, “Less pain!”

    To which John responded, “More love.”

    Then Irv said, “Less pain!”

    To which John responded, “More love.”

    When John kissed his forehead one more time, Irv released and fully accepted it, even saying, “That felt good.”

    John said, “Less pain?” The last words he ever heard his father say were “More love.”

    Sometimes the people who need our love the most are the ones we may feel deserve it the least. We can make that judgment and stay bitter—or we can actively contribute to making the world a more loving place. Less pain, more love.

    Photo by Mara Earth Light

  • Tiny Wisdom: Sometimes No One Is Wrong

    Tiny Wisdom: Sometimes No One Is Wrong

    “Love is saying, ‘I feel differently’ instead of ‘you’re wrong.’” -Unknown

    I’ve written a lot of posts about compassion these past few years, challenging both myself and readers to be open-minded and see things from others’ points of view.

    On almost every post, someone has commented that there are times when other people are, in fact, wrong–when the person who cut you off in traffic really is a jerk, not just having a bad day; when the friend who hurt you actually had cruel intentions, and didn’t just make an innocent mistake; or when the person who sees things differently is truly misinformed, as opposed to holding a varied, but different opinion.

    I think we sometimes fear losing our sense of self and self-respect by giving other people too much leeway. If we give the benefit of the doubt one time too many times, we may start to feel like a door mat. Or if we consider other people’s perspectives too seriously, we may risk losing the beliefs that help us make sense of the world.

    If we continually refrain from identifying people as right and wrong, we may find it challenging to hold onto the ideas that feel right to us. And that can be a scary thought, particularly when many of us wrap around our identities around our beliefs and understandings.

    But maybe it doesn’t have to work this way. Maybe we can define the conduct we believe to be good and kind, without assuming we know people’s intentions, thereby labeling them right or wrong when they stumble. Maybe we can decide and honor what we believe and allow other people the same freedom, choosing not to be threatened if they see things differently.

    Maybe loving ourselves is feeling secure without having to convince other people we’re right; and loving other people is wanting to understand instead of wanting to tell them they’re wrong.

    Today if you feel tempted to point out the error of someone’s ways or beliefs, ask yourself: Would I rather argue and create pain, or agree to disagree and maintain peace?

    Photo by the gardenbuzz

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Being Honest in Relationships

    Tiny Wisdom: On Being Honest in Relationships

    “Beware of the half truth. You may have gotten hold of the wrong half.” ~Unknown

    The other day, a friend told me how his previous relationship fell apart. His girlfriend failed to disclose a major resentment based on a misconception, and instead initiated a series of arguments over little things until their relationship eventually collapsed under the weight of all that confrontation.

    I explained how I practice radical honesty with my boyfriend. Essentially, I disclose everything I think and feel about him that I have trouble resolving in my head, knowing full well most of it has more to do with me.

    There are times when I feel annoyed with him, but later discover I was actually angry with myself. There are times I get frustrated with him when there’s nothing he’s done–I’ve just had a difficult day. And there are other times when I doubt him, but soon realize I misinterpreted what he did or said.

    A lot of people swallow these passing thoughts and judgments, or push them down to avoid making unnecessary waves. But I’ve found this can eventually lead to a tsunami of emotion when you finally crack and unleash all these unspoken grievances. They become a list of reasons to justify the distance you’ve been creating.

    The alternative is to acknowledge what you’re feeling, knowing full well it may have more to do with you than him or her, and in doing so maintain intimacy and trust.

    It’s really about being honest with yourself. It’s about recognizing that your mind can play tricks on you sometimes. It’s about realizing that you can be far more rational when you look at your emotions objectively. There may be times when it isn’t all on you–in those situations especially, it’s best to communicate what’s on your mind.

    The truth may not always feel polite. It might make you feel vulnerable. It might feel ridiculous to express–which is precisely why it’s so powerful do to it. The best way to free yourself from resentment is to work through it and let it go.

    Photo by mhaller1979

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Showing Your True Feelings

    “Never apologize for showing feelings. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.” -Benjamin Disraeli

    As I’ve been preparing my presentation for the Wanderlust Yoga and Music Festival, I’ve been watching a lot of powerful speeches related to my topics of authenticity and connection. I found my way to Dr. Brené Brown, who researches vulnerability.

    In her inspiring talk, Brené explains how shame can be one of the biggest barriers to connection. If you believe there is something wrong with you—that you are somehow unworthy—you may hide who you are in fear of being judged and rejected.

    This is why I spent most of my early and mid-20s completely isolated. Because I felt overwhelming shame for mistakes I’d made, and I believed that they defined me, I chose to fester in a prison of my own making to avoid people’s judgment.

    Though I have now joined the land of the social, there are still times when I think my true feelings are an admission of weakness. I get a lot of emails from readers who seem to feel the same way—that they shouldn’t be feeling angry, or frustrated, or hurt, or whatever. They think they should be stronger or more evolved than that.

    This only exacerbates the pain because you pile guilt on top of the initial feeling.

    There is no shame in having emotions. And as Brené points out, it’s nearly impossible to numb the uncomfortable ones without also diluting the positive.

    If we want to know joy, elation, excitement, and everything else that makes life worth living, we need to give ourselves permission to feel the full range of emotions. And if we want to connect with each other, we need to accept and love ourselves in every moment, even when our truth feels heavy.

    Today if you start judging what you’re feeling, remind yourself: Everyone deals with difficult feelings. What separates us is what we do with them.



  • Tiny Wisdom: On Forgiveness

    Tiny Wisdom: On Forgiveness

    “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” ~Mahatma Gandhi

    Someone wronged you. Maybe they treated you thoughtlessly without your feelings or best interests in mind. Or maybe they hurt you with full awareness in a moment of anger orfrustration.

    Your pride’s bruised, and your expectations destroyed. Why should you extend compassion to them when they didn’t offer you the same? Why should you reach out to them when you’re not the one who was wrong?

    You could easily come up with a laundry list of excuses to stay righteous and unyielding. Unfortunately, no one benefits when we fester in anger, bitterness, or negativity—least of all, ourselves.

    It takes tremendous fortitude to acknowledge we all make mistakes and let go of our pain. The alternative is to hold it close to our hearts, where we can feel right and hurt over and over again.

    The Buddha said that, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”

    Put this way, it makes a lot of sense. We can’t possibly feel better if we choose to hurt ourselves. And yet it can still be so hard to forgive and move on.

    Psychologists suggest we don’t do anything unless there’s a payoff in doing it. We’re wired to seek pleasure and avoid pain; we’d only cling to a hot coal if we feared a worse pain in dropping it.

    But that’s the thing: We can’t possibly know how it will feel to let go until we muster the strength to do it. We can’t even fathom the transformative and healing power of forgiveness until we challenge ourselves to embrace it.

    Many times, it will be a challenge—perhaps the greatest we’ve ever known. It might take time, and it might require a sense of compassion we don’t feel someone deserves. Regardless, we deserve that relief.

    In giving it to ourselves, we may finally feel the peace to consider that someone else does, as well.

    Not all relationships can be healed, but all pain can transform into healing. That means it’s up to us to decide whether it’s time to let go of the person, or let go of the story that keeps us in anger.

    It’s only in doing what we need to do to forgive that we’re able to set ourselves free.

    Photo by mhaller1979

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Strength

    Tiny Wisdom: On Strength

    “Some people think it’s holding that makes one strong—sometimes it’s letting go.” -Unknown

    Sometimes admitting that something is over can feel like defeat. After all, we hear a lot of messages that tell us to never give up–to hold on and keep fighting at all costs.

    But if you’re honest with yourself, you’ll know when it’s time to move on.

    You’ll know when a relationship no longer serves you, and you’re just staying because you’re too scared to leave. You’ll know when a job no longer makes you happy, but you’re staying because you think it will be hard to find something else. You’ll know when a business idea didn’t work, and it’s time to cut your losses and start the next thing.

    Somewhere inside you, you always know.

    You just have to stop ignoring the symptoms of your awareness or discontent, and decide it’s time to let go–of the relationship, the friendship, the job, the hobby, the idea, the religion, and in some cases, the illusion of something that you never even had to begin with.

    Today if you’re unsure whether you should hold on or let go, create space and stillness and then ask yourself: If you were fully honest about your motivations and needs, and not letting your fear choose for you, which choice would you make?

    Now all you need is the strength to make it. So the real question is: Are you strong enough to choose for your happiness?

    Photo by zedmelody

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Freeing Your Mind

    Tiny Wisdom: On Freeing Your Mind

    “I know but one freedom and that is the freedom of the mind.” ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

    In his book Wisdom 2.0, Soren Gordhamer explores a concept he calls cup mind.

    The mind, he explains, can be like a cup or the ocean. When you place a drop of blue dye in a cup, the entire contents may change color, whereas when you place that same drop in the ocean, it barely has an impact.

    Our thoughts and feelings can affect our minds similarly. They can completely consume us and alter our entire experience of a given day; or, if we create enough mental space, they can be a part of our experience that we can notice, sit with, and then release.

    We can allow anger from the morning to snowball in the afternoon and evening, or we can recognize it, feel it, then let it go. We can obsess over everything we think we did wrong or want to do differently, or we can recognize the stress and worry, move beyond them, and then decide to see things from a different angle.

    Today if your mind gets overwhelming, ask yourself: What can I do to create some space? Then do it: Take a walk, practice deep breathing, or simply sit in stillness.

    We are always going to think and feel. There is no escape from the mind. Whether or not it’s a prison is entirely up to us.

    Photo by Wendy Piersall