Tiny Buddha

Category: love & relationships

  • 3 Questions To Ask Yourself Before You Enter A Relationship

    3 Questions To Ask Yourself Before You Enter A Relationship

    Kissing Couple

    “Love does not obey our expectations; it obeys our intentions.” ~Lloyd Strom

    Recently, I did something radical; I entered into a relationship with the intention of extending love. I consciously set the goal of peace.

    It’s with the intention to experience more peace than ever before that the relationship began, and it’s with that same intention that we decided to end the relationship. In between it all, I felt deeply connected, heard, and loved.

    What did I do differently this time that allowed me to experience a new level of peace and love? What about this relationship created the space for us to peacefully “break up”?

    Unlike other relationships I had that seemed to pull me deeper into fear, this relationship accomplished the complete opposite—helped to release me from it.

    Whatever I did differently with this one, I wanted to bottle it up! As I took some time to reflect, I realized that what I did differently comes in the form of three simple miracle-minded questions that I asked myself before I even entered the relationship.

    The three questions below helped me step away from fearful relationships based on getting and filling my perceived voids and instead, helped me step into a loved-based relationship built on extending the love and completeness I found within myself first.

    And what a difference this shift made in my experience!

    The next time you find yourself getting ready to join with someone in a relationship (or even a friendship) ask yourself these questions first:

    1. What is this relationship for?

    In the past, I would just jump into relationships without any real intention set at the beginning. I wanted the attention and for someone to prove I was lovable. I wanted to get more than I wanted to extend. I was motivated by ego fears and desires to fill my perceived voids.

    The way we move beyond these ego fears is by stopping and asking ourselves, “What is this relationship for?”

    Without a clear goal set at the beginning, it’s easy to get lost and stuck in a fearful place. So with my last relationship, we decided that our goal would be peace, and that we wanted to help each other remember the truth about ourselves instead of getting lost in the illusions about ourselves. What is this relationship for? To extend peace.

    And this makes all the difference. When you do find yourself in a disagreement, you can remember that your goal is peace and then act accordingly.

    The value of setting a goal in advance is that it will pull you through the tough times. Without the goal, it’s easy to get caught up in the ego’s drive to be right or justified. Having a common goal in mind allows you to move forward together instead of working against each other. In my last relationship I found that a shared goal connected us and gave us something to focus on.

    2. What limiting beliefs are blocking me from authentically connecting?

    A lot of times when we don’t experience something we say we want, it’s because we have some underlying fear associated with getting it.

    For example, if you say you want to experience a deeply loving relationship and it hasn’t shown up yet, it might be because deep down you’re scared of it. I know for me, I said I wanted to have a loving relationship, but when I got honest with myself, I realized I was actually scared of falling in love.

    Somewhere along the line I decided that being in love would make me weak and vulnerable. When I went even deeper, I noticed that I had the belief that I wasn’t good enough yet to be loved. I didn’t think I was skinny enough, successful enough, or funny enough, and deep down I was scared that other people might find that out, too.

    So what do you do when you realize you’re scared of what you want? What do you do with the belief that you’re not good enough? You simply become willing to move beyond the fears. Often times the awareness of our fearful patterns is enough for them to be released.

    Sometimes I will even say to myself “I hear you fear, but I’m not going to let you determine my actions right now.” Instant personal power.

    This opens the way for you to step beyond the limiting beliefs you carry about yourself. The truth is, you’re good enough right now in this very moment. There is nothing to prove. Become curious about your beliefs and behaviors. Invite them in, question them, and watch as they melt away.

    3. Am I focusing on the content or the frame?

    Fear-based relationships often start with a strong attraction to a body. I don’t know about you, but I’ve definitely been sucked into relationships because the frame was lookin’ good. I paid no attention to the content, aka the mind.

    But at the end of the day, it’s important to remember that you’re always getting in a relationship with a mind. If the content is not engaging and exciting, circle back to the first question: What is this for?

    When we put all our focus on the content and not the frame, we simultaneously release our expectations and allow ourselves to experience peace and love in ways that we might not have thought possible. The frame will shift and change, but lasting fulfilling connection starts and ends with the content, not the labels and clothes we place around it.

    Ultimately, within others you can either lose yourself or remember yourself, because from a spiritual perspective, everyone is a reflection of you. And with that idea, relationships become a miraculous teaching device.

    You decide if you want fear or love based on the intention you set at the beginning. I’ve both lost myself and remembered myself in relationships, but I prefer the latter.

    The three questions above are how you open the doorway for a love-based relationship to enter your life.

    By setting the goal of peace, becoming willing to move past our beliefs of not being good enough, and focusing on the content, not the frame, we can experience a deep connection and trust, which is perhaps one of the most miraculous things you can share with another human being.

  • How to Move On When You’re Hurt and Waiting for Closure

    How to Move On When You’re Hurt and Waiting for Closure

    “Letting go gives us freedom and freedom is the only condition for happiness.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    Ah, closure. That feeling of vindication, or a sense of completion—it can be very enticing!

    There are times when seeking resolution is really important. If we are having an argument with our partner, settling it can help strengthen our relationship. If we are having a disagreement over a contract, determining the outcome may be required to continue with the project at hand.

    In these types of situations, seeking resolution is very relevant.

    That said, there are loads of situations that occur in life in which we seek closure, even though it does not really serve us. As a matter of fact, this desire can hold us back.

    When we feel we’ve been done wrong, we want resolution. The size or type of infraction may not matter. We want to know who is guilty of the offense, or, if we know who the culprit is, we want to know why they did it.

    Here’s the catch: It’s pretty common to feel like this resolution is necessary to move forward.

    Many moons ago I was in a relationship with a man who turned out to be quite unsavory. Unbeknownst to me, he had gone through my wallet, made note of my credit card info, and was using two of my cards to finance what I can only describe as a shopping addiction.

    I was not using the cards at all, so was not expecting to see bills, and since he consistently arrived home before I did, he was able to get the bills from the mailbox before I ever saw them.

    I did not learn of his deception until we broke up for other reasons.

    Besides dealing with typical breakup emotions, I also had to face the reality of this man’s ability to lie to me and steal from me.

    Yes, the relationship went south, but I thought we’d had love and respect between us, and, well, enough integrity to not commit crimes against one another.

    I wanted him to account for his behavior; I wanted an apology; I wanted him to explain to me how he could have behaved in such a despicable manner toward anyone, much less me, his girlfriend (at the time).

    Unsurprisingly, I didn’t get any of that.

    I was rocked by this for quite some time. It took me months to realize that the reason I wasn’t getting over it was because I was still waiting for him to explain, apologize, or something. I realized that if I wanted to let it go, I was also going to have to let go of my desire for him to admit he was a mega jerk.

    We want to feel in the right. We want it to be recognized that we were done wrong. If possible, we want an admission of guilt.

    However, in looking for this type of closure, we are often giving away our power. We’re saying, “I cannot move past this experience until…”

    What we actually desire is an internal, emotional shift. We want to feel better!

    We already know we can’t expect the outside world to take care of our feelings. Let’s apply that knowledge to resolution as well.

    Here’s how I got over the thieving boyfriend situation, and it’s a formula I continue to remind myself of whenever I begin to feel like I can’t move past an experience until satisfaction is mine.

    Acknowledge that something crappy happened.

    Yes, it totally sucks when a formerly good friend stops returning our calls and texts. And it can be life-altering when we are let go from a job, despite receiving positive feedback on our performance review.

    It’s important not to pretend. Sometimes we rush past the feelings that are present in an attempt to appear uncaring (unhurt, really), or like we have it handled. Getting back on the horse is great and all, but let’s first acknowledge that it hurt when we were knocked off!

    Having feelings doesn’t make us less able to handle tough stuff, or to come up with great solutions. It just means we’re human.

    Identify all the feelings you do have.

    If the situation is minor, it may be one or two feelings. For more intense events, it can take a while to pinpoint all of them.

    This is essential, because identification and recognition go hand-in-hand. In doing this, we’re accepting that we are feeling these emotions. This sort of self-acknowledgment is crucial.

    By the way, we’re the only ones who get to decide what is major, or minor, for us. We’re all unique, and we’ve all had different experiences that have helped mold who we are. Something that is minor for one may be major for another, and vice versa. That’s okay.

    The point is not to compare the experience we are having to how others would react; it’s to self-process and move forward.

    Release the need for outside meditation of any sort.

    This is not about forgiveness. It’s not about taking the high road, either. Those options both involve the other person. This is about us, and what we want.

    It is simply about asserting that we can move forward regardless of what is happening (or what doesn’t happen) in the outside world. We can use affirmations, or meditation, or whatever tools work for us for energy release.

    When we are looking for resolution from the outside world, we are also seeking acknowledgement. Learning to self-acknowledge is a wonderful gift to give ourselves.

    Whether you use the tips above, or another recipe that works for you, let’s choose to move forward. We are the one who will benefit, and we’re the only ones who will suffer if we don’t.

  • The Power of Kindness: Life-Changing Advice About Creating Happiness

    The Power of Kindness: Life-Changing Advice About Creating Happiness

    Flower for You

    “We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.” ~Winston Churchill

    It was a beautiful winter’s day in Sydney. Having returned home after working for two years in Singapore and traveling through Asia, I felt like I owed it to myself to do something I loved.

    My heart has always been in fitness and travel. When there was a job opening at my local travel agency, I applied, went for the interview, and got the position. I was a happy girl—but only for a short while.

    Two months into my job, it didn’t feel right. I felt something was missing. And suddenly, everything that I thought I knew about my love for traveling went astray. I wasn’t satisfied with my job.

    I had to decide if I wanted to stay or leave. I didn’t have a wealth of options. If I were to quit, I would be jobless for a while. The best I could have done was to spread my love and knowledge of fitness to my average of fifty daily blog visitors.

    If I were to stay, I would have had to suck this up, being unhappy and unsatisfied.

    I took the road less travelled and sent in my letter of resignation a few days after.

    For weeks after that, I felt lost and uncertain. I wished I hadn’t resigned. I wondered: What am I going to eat? How am I going to sustain myself?

    And then it happened, when I least expected it.

    A seventy-five-year old lady came in on a rainy day. She had a medium sized stature, and she was of Asian descent with a rather intimidating face. She told me her name was Chan and that she would like to inquire about a trip to London to visit her daughter.

    I was rather reluctant at first to help her out, thinking it might be yet another empty inquiry, but I thought about how I would feel if my parents were the ones walking into a travel agent, being treated unfairly.

    I sat down at my desk, on my second-to-last day, with a genuine smile on my face.

    My “empty inquiry” thoughts turned out to be true. Two hours into her consultation, she said she needed to think about everything I’d proposed. I told myself it was okay. The sale wasn’t meant to be; at least I’d helped her as much as I could.

    Before she left, I had to tell her that it was my second-to-last day at work, and if she were to come in several days later, I wouldn’t be around to help her.

    I thought she wouldn’t really care, but to my surprise, Mrs. Chan sat back down on her seat.

    She started questioning me. She asked me where I was going, why was I quitting, and what my plans were after this.

    I tried to be as honest as I could, telling her that the job wasn’t right for me and I didn’t have any concrete direction. All I had was my Physiology degree and a burning passion for fitness. I was half-hearted. My eyes got wetter and she could sense the doubts in my voice.

    Like an angel sent from above, she held my hands and looked into my eyes.

    “My dear, sometimes in life we’re being tested. We’re given directions and options and we have to weigh them. And sometimes, even after weighing on a multitude of scales, lengths, and units, it is perfectly normal not to be sure of anything.”

    I kept silent. I was listening, my brain was processing.

    “I just turned seventy-five last week. I want to book a trip to London to surprise my daughter who has been living there for three years. Three years ago, she was at the exact same position as you. The only difference is she was made redundant.”

    Still listening, I was a tad surprised she was opening up about her life.

    “Before I go on, I want to thank you for helping me through this inquiry. I am always skeptical about travel agents, but you proved that not all of you are the same. It’s a pity that this company is going to lose an exceptional young lady like you, but I’m happy for you. I could see it through your eyes as soon as I stepped into the store that you would be better off elsewhere. And I was right!” Mrs. Chan chuckled.

    It was unbelievable hearing her speak when she’d seemed cold for the past two hours. Still, I continued listening.

    “Now I’m going to tell you exactly what I told my daughter three years ago. If you’re doing anything in life that is making you unhappy, you should stop as soon as you can. You’re young. Set yourself free. Don’t waste time doing things you don’t enjoy doing.”

    “Great, now she’s reading my mind,” I silently thought, still waiting for her next words.

    “You might not know at this point in time if this is the right thing you’re doing. You might fail. You might be disappointed you left a good-paying job. But a good-paying job is nothing if you’re not happy.”

    She continued, “Finish your duties here and step into the unknown world. You never know what you might discover. You should be out there seeing the world and helping people with your beautiful smile and kind soul.”

    The tears I was vainly holding back started to roll down my cheeks.

    “And if life hits you hard one day, remember you made the effort to pursue your dreams. You made memories. And you chased after what you loved the most. You will be okay.”

    Her words hit me hard. I never knew I needed them until that moment. It was the most perfect timing in my life.

    “That is all I can say to you. Like a seventy-five-year old knows any better!” she joked.

    I wiped my tears and walked her out of the door. I wanted to hug her and just stay there in her arms, the arms of a stranger that I only knew for two hours, but I held myself back.

    “And remember this—no matter what you do, be kind to others. That should be the fundamental base of all your actions.”

    Stunned for the millionth time, I stood there, speechless. She left. I saw her walk away. I don’t even know her full name. Or her contact details.

    I went home that night and hugged my mother. I needed it. I needed her. And I never knew I needed Mrs. Chan and her words.

    It came to me because I was kind. And it came to me when I least expected it.

    Being kind is the fundamental base of all my actions. And I will remember that for the rest of my life. 

    Sometimes in life we meet people who are there to help and guide us, but we have to be open to receive it. Whether or not we choose to accept it, everyone wins when we’re all kind to one another.

    Never underestimate the power of kindness. You never know how much happiness you can bring to someone’s life.

    Photo by Kietaparta

  • 3 Ways to Be Kind and Make Someone’s Day

    3 Ways to Be Kind and Make Someone’s Day

    Smiling Together

    “The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention.” ~Oscar Wilde

    It’s the small, everyday things that can make or break a day for us.

    While we celebrate the role models who inspire thousands (in person or on Facebook!), for most of us everyday moments—a stranger jostling us in the shops, a driver cutting us up at a light, someone pushing in front of us in line at the post office—can upset us out of all proportion.

    But the flip side is that we can also be disproportionately pleased by the small actions of a stranger.

    On a bad day recently, rushing down the road in Chiang Mai, Thailand, late for an appointment, I dropped my bag and things spilled all over the road. I looked at my possessions spread out in the dust beneath me and held back tears.

    As I stood there, a Thai woman, tending a food cart at the side of the road, walked over and carefully helped me pick everything up. Then she smiled at me, patted my hand, and walked back to her stall.

    This small act of kindness from a stranger reminded me to be kind to myself, and I took a breath before continuing with my day, lighter in heart and mind.

    Be that stranger. Here are three small acts of kindness you can carry out today.

    Offer your help.

    Last year I met someone who challenged himself to offer his help to one person every day.

    One day, I was really ill, in a foreign country, alone. I had no way of getting to the shops. He offered his help and brought me groceries. It was a small thing for him. But I was hugely grateful, and it made a real impact on me, this almost-stranger providing practical help.

    Now I try and offer my help more often.

    At first I used to think no one would be interested in my help, or they’d be suspicious, or dozens of other reasons that stopped me from offering. But even when people don’t need it, they appreciate being offered help.

    I offered someone help with something they were carrying yesterday, and while he turned me down, we exchanged a joke and a few words, and both of us went on our way happier.

    And when people do need the help, you’ll be amazed at the long-lasting impact it can have.

    Be of service. Offer assistance.

    Say thank you.

    You might say thank you 100 times a day. It’s a politeness, a courtesy. But how many times do you actually mean it? How many times are you still engaged in the conversation when you say it, and not turning away toward the next thing?

    I have a friend who doesn’t just write the usual “To Sarah, Happy Birthday, Love Mary,” on birthday cards but instead takes the time to write a more heartfelt message. She includes some of the things she appreciates her friend for doing for her that year.

    Getting a card from her doesn’t feel like a formality, it feels like a true connection. And her cards are the ones I remember.

    Today, say thank you like you mean it. Catch the other person’s eye and say it firmly. “Thank you. I really appreciate your help.” It could be to the girl who serves you your caramel macchiato in Starbucks, or your dad for helping you out by putting that shelf up for you.

    Or, if it feels too personal or intimate to say it face-to-face, write a letter or a card to a friend thanking them for something specific they contributed to the friendship last year—their joy, their lightness of touch, the great presents they always buy you, their sense of humor.

    Be grateful, and share that gratitude with the other person.

    Compliment someone.

    We judge others in our head all the time, just as we judge ourselves all the time. I hate that dress she’s wearing. I look fat in that mirror. I can’t believe she just said that. That nail  polish is awful. He really can’t do that yoga pose… It’s a constant narrative.

    But we also think positive things in the same way: I love that skirt. I wish my hair was that color. Those shoes are great. He does a great downward dog; I wish I was that confident.

    In my last job, particularly when I was feeling negative (and knew it might leak out), I used to push myself to articulate the compliments I usually just said in my head. Sometimes the person I was complimenting was a little taken aback, but they were always pleased.

    Put your focus on the positive by expressing it. Tell someone what you like, admire, and appreciate. Share the love.

    These actions might seem small, but not only do they make others’ lives better, they are also directly nourishing for you. Being kind is good is not only good for your heart, it’s good for your health.

  • Identity Crisis: When You Aren’t Sure Who You Are or How You Fit In

    Identity Crisis: When You Aren’t Sure Who You Are or How You Fit In

    “Waking up to who you are requires letting go of who you imagine yourself to be.” ~Alan Watts

    In another life, not too long ago, I was an actress.

    I fell into acting when a catalogue showed up on my doorstep for UCLA Extension summer classes, and in my boredom I started flipping through it to see what was on offer. For whatever reason (synchronicity? my intuition?), the Acting 101 class jumped out at me, and something in me said yes.

    At the time, I was living in West Los Angeles, only a few years out of college after graduating from Pepperdine with a degree in business; working in the travel industry; and quite frankly, not entirely sure how I really wanted to spend my life.

    My identity as college grad with a business degree didn’t mesh well with this newly emerging identity as an actress, but that little “yes” that signed me up for the class quickly became a louder “yes” as I fell in love with acting.

    Even though I was a performer at heart (dance was my medium of choice for thirteen years in my youth), acting was only something I did occasionally in a school play here and there. But this, Acting 101, this was something new.

    This was my chance to become not just one aspect but all aspects of who I imagined myself to be, as I brought words to life, I embodied amazing roles, I hobnobbed with the stars…okay, that last bit might be stretching the truth. (As an “indie film” actress, most of my hobnobbing was with other talent from the independent film and local theatre scene.)

    But no matter who I was hobnobbing with, I always found myself comparing and falling short—reaching for my new identity as a “successful actress.”

    Not pretty enough.

    Not skinny enough.

    Not put together enough.

    I remember thinking “if only” time and again; if only I were (fill in the blank), people would accept me, understand me, love me.

    Life is hard when you don’t know who you are.

    Or so I thought—until I met and fell in love with an actor who was actually doing those things I wanted to do, and yet still had many moments feeling as lost and disconnected as I did.

    I began to awaken to the possibility that no one is immune to this identity crisis; even those who seem to have everything together question who they are and why they’re here.

    This identity crisis, fueled with my desire to help others in a more direct way, set me off on my current journey as a healer and coach. I was seeking to understand who we are at a deeper level rather than try to simply “fit in.”

    Yet even as a coach, I found myself holding tight to the role I played as my identity. I wanted to be like other coaches—successful coaches—and I wanted to look and feel the way they did, fit into the mold that was shaped for my occupation.

    But the harder I tried, the more I realized that I didn’t fit in. Not because I was doing anything wrong but because the truth is, “fitting in” is an illusion.

    We are more than just our personalities, our likes, and dislikes.

    We’re more than our gifts, talents, and skills.

    We’re more than what we do, and we’re most certainly more than our bank accounts (or lack thereof).

    In truth, I believe our real identity actually brings us closer together rather than further apart, and it’s less about “fitting in” and more about truly connecting with one another.

    I began to shift the story from lonely outsider to a small but very important part of the whole. 

    This changed not only how I felt, but also how I showed up in the world.

    If we listen to our ego, we only see the differences between us and other people, but if we listen to our intuition, we see the overlaps, similarities, and connections.

    I began to ask the deeper questions—not who am I, but who are we? And more importantly, what are we, collectively, here for?

    The answer that came through for me was so simple, yet so profound.

    Love.

    We seek love because we are love. That is our identity.

    When we remember how alike we are at the core, it makes figuring out who we are on the surface simply a secondary gain.

    You may be questioning who you are, why you’re here, and what your real identity is; after all, we all do.

    Who you are is always evolving, so rather than get stuck turning inward to figure it out, I challenge you to shift your focus.

    Just for today, try this:

    Every time you connect with another person, whether it’s a stranger, colleague, loved one, or even someone who rubs you the wrong way (actually, especially if it’s someone who rubs you the wrong way), ask yourself this question:

    How are we alike?

    Maybe it’s as simple as the fact that you both read the same books. Or have the same views on an area of life. Or perhaps you both just love the color purple.

    Or maybe you can feel deeper into it and sense that they are seeking, like you, even if they seem to have it all figured it out. Or that they want to be seen the way you do, even if they are going about it a different way. Or that they could use a kind word or gesture, even if they didn’t reach out and ask for it.

    In that split second, think to yourself “I get you, because you’re like me.”

    This thought, consciously chosen in that moment of connection, can powerfully change your perception of “who you are” in this world and ultimately transform your identity crisis to an identity awakening.

  • Burn Away Your Barriers to Love: 7 Ways to Live a Beautiful Life

    Burn Away Your Barriers to Love: 7 Ways to Live a Beautiful Life

    Hand Heart

    “Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ~Rumi

    My grandmother is nearing the end. She’s had a good life, a family, a loving husband, dancing and singing, growing things, running a business.

    There are some skeletons in the closet though; her early life had some very heavy experiences that made her afraid and may have held her back. On balance, a great life, but there were challenges.

    Right now, she’s slipped into a dream world and she is often still there when her eyes are open. There are lucid moments but her short-term memory is gone. She wakes and wonders who you are.

    But if you don’t push her to be in your time zone, she is happy to have her hand held, to sing the old songs, to laugh, to tell you what’s what. Her personality hasn’t changed.

    What she’s doing, we think, is sorting through the various stages of her life, coming to terms with the things that need to be understood with the heart. She seems to be burning away the old memories, the old feelings.

    Maybe she’s also looking forward to joining my grandfather for a dance, as they always did. They met at a dance.

    I don’t really know what it’s like for her but I see her returning to a kind of innocence, burning off the barriers to love. I see her life and all our lives as a gift of learning how to love.

    This has me thinking: How can we remove the barriers to love now? How can we burn off what doesn’t serve and let the best of us shine through?

    1. Practice forgiveness.

    Let go of the poisons of resentment. Let them wash away in a cool mountain stream meditation. Simply say, I forgive NAME and I forgive myself. I send love to both of us.

    2. Try to understand.

    Play act being that other person. What could have made them do the things they did? Were they in pain themselves? Were they just naive and oblivious?

    3. Change your beliefs.

    The limitations and barriers to love (and to anything else we want in life) are really about the beliefs we hold. The past is gone; it’s only our beliefs that live on to affect our current life. What belief is stopping you feeling love? Is this belief really true? Could you believe otherwise?

    4. Change your story.

    Change the way you see it and tell it. What did you learn?

    Your story might be: “I am lonely because I was treated harshly as a child and can’t trust others.” You could change this to: “My early life taught me to crave and seek healthy connections.”

    If you lived in fear as a child, did it teach you courage? Your story could be: “Being afraid taught me to stand up for what I believe in.” Change your story if you need to. Your story about before runs your life now, and now is what really matters.

    5. Create from the darkness.

    Play with the raw materials of life. Creativity transforms experience. Write, draw, paint, sculpt, bake, cartoon, collage, or just laugh about the hard stuff with a good friend. Get it out.

    In the movie Something’s Gotta Give, the heartbroken playwright (Diane Keaton) writes madly, alternately sobbing and laughing with delight as she “nails” a great comic scene. At some point, the terrible truth may become hilariously funny. Get creative.

    6. Give love to feel love.

    Love lives in my heart when I give it. Giving love makes us feel love. How do you best give love? What does your beloved like most? Do they love hugs, a talk, good food, flowers, car movies? Feel love in the act of giving. You may not have to actually watch the car movies.

    7. Appreciate this miraculous life.

    List your gratitude. List your small and simple pleasures. Indulge in them. For all the dark and light, life is a beautiful gift.

    I want to talk about that last point. Often, someone nearing the end is reluctant to let go of this life. I get that feeling watching my grandmother now. Whatever life has held, we want more of it, even when it’s time to say goodbye.

    Years ago, I saw an achingly beautiful contemporary dance performance called Fallen Angels. In the last moment, the stage filled with a thin layer of water. All but one had climbed to heaven. One dancer was left flipping and struggling like a fish in shallow water, holding on desperately to a difficult and beautiful life.

    In that scene, letting go of life was so hard. Despite all the mess and confusion, the pain and heartbreak, this last dancer did not want to leave, even for heaven.

    For all its contrasts, life is beautiful. At the end of our lives, I think we may want to hold on to all of it, the good and the bad. I have a feeling our souls wouldn’t change a thing.

    Let’s embrace the beauty as much as possible right now and burn off the barriers to love. We can only do our best, learning to love as we go, living and loving all of it.

    Photo by Jenny Starley

  • Recognizing and Overcoming the Fears That Make Us Settle

    Recognizing and Overcoming the Fears That Make Us Settle

    See the Light

    “Fear, uncertainty, and discomfort are your compasses towards growth.” ~Celestine Chua

    Settling feels awful. Take it from me—for the past few months I’ve been holding the Scepter of Settling in both my personal life and my business.

    And it hasn’t felt good.

    The other morning, as I sat waiting in LaGuardia Airport to board a plane for a three-day intensive business retreat in North Carolina, I had this sudden, radical a-ha! moment in which pieces of my life, both personal and business, just clicked into place.

    Have you ever had that happen to you?

    I realized I was settling in my personal life by accepting a relationship in which I was getting so much less than I wanted, and I was settling simply because I was afraid I couldn’t have more than I was currently getting.

    There is a part of me that feels slightly embarrassed to admit that I was settling because of this deep fear that I couldn’t possibly have what I wanted from a partner, because it’s been so long since I have.

    I was also settling in my business by continuing to work with a client who I bent over backward for again, and again, and again, who still always wanted more. I was settling by compromising myself and the way I work just for a few thousand dollars. I was afraid to trust that I would be absolutely fine without that money.

    Does any of this feel familiar to you? 

    • You’re settling for friendships where you don’t feel supported, where it feels like it’s rarely “about you,” or where you have to hide or make parts of yourself smaller.
    • You’re settling for intimate relationships where you’re not seen and heard the way you want to be, or can’t show up authentically.
    • You play small in your family of origin, having to dumb down your success or your inner “shine” because there are stories about who you’re supposed to be or what you’re supposed to do, or you might “out-shine” a family member if you really show your brilliance.
    • You accept more than your share of work, work longer hours than you want, get paid less than you want, or work with people for whom you feel like you’re compromising yourself.
    • You make or have way less time for yourself than you like—you put off self-care, rest, good food, and exercise because there’s not enough time, money, or support.

    In her amazing book Daring Greatly, Brené Brown talks about a marble jar that her daughter’s teacher used in the classroom.

    Every time the class collectively did something good, the teacher put a few marbles in the jar. When they misbehaved, she took a few out. When the jar got to be full of marbles, the teacher threw a class party.

    Brown talks about relationships in this context. Whenever we have a choice of attending to our partner, paying attention to them or their needs, seeing them fully and hearing them—showing up for them and our relationships—it’s like adding marbles to the jar.

    And every time we turn away from our partner, choose to walk by instead of asking what’s wrong, avoid getting involved, turn away from the work of connecting and feeding emotional intimacy, marbles come out of the jar.

    The last few relationships I’ve had were empty jars, with the occasional lonely marble rolling around desolately. I was getting sick with the settling—literally and figuratively. 

    And it was impacting my business, where I found myself also settling in ways that were completely fear-based.

    As I sat working just after dawn at LaGuardia Airport, getting ready to take three days for myself at a mastermind and business retreat, it hit me.

    I’m finally ready to let go of what hasn’t been working, and the fear, and make painfully blank, open, empty space for what works, what feeds me.

    I’m holding out for a full marble jar.

    Are you settling anywhere in your life? Does it feel awful, sad, frustrating, exhausting?

    Whether you’re settling in your friendships, your relationships, your work, your family, or your self-care, settling feels terrible and it’s bad for you, for your work, for your relationships.

    Here are a few questions to get you started thinking about where and why you’re settling.

    Grab a journal and a pen and get yourself a cup of tea. Light your favorite candle. Get comfortable. Dedicate this space to feeding yourself and filling that marble jar.

    Closing your eyes, think about the areas of your life—your work, your love life/partnership, your self-care, your friendships…

    Open your eyes and write each question. Then just start writing, without censoring or editing.

    1. Where in your life are you settling for less than you want and need? Write out each place and how you’re settling.

    2. Why are you settling? What’s the fear behind it? For instance, I found myself settling in a personal relationship because I had a deep fear that I couldn’t have what I wanted, so I thought I might as well settle for what I could get.

    3. What do you fear would happen if you stopped settling?

    4. What is a new belief about what’s possible for you that you’d like to think about working toward?

    5. What would the first small step be if you were to act as if this belief were true?

    We do this work in tiny steps so that they’re achievable and sustainable. Here’s to smashing the ways we settle.

    Photo by Jonathan Kos-Read

  • 7 Things to Remember When You Think You’re Not Good Enough

    7 Things to Remember When You Think You’re Not Good Enough

    “We can’t hate ourselves into a version of ourselves we can love.” ~Lori Deschene

    Sometimes I am really terrible to myself, and I relentlessly compare myself to other people, no matter how many times I read or hear about how good enough or lovable I am.

    On an almost daily basis, I meticulously look for evidence that I am a nobody, that I don’t deserve to be loved, or that I’m not living up to my full potential.

    There is generally a lot of pressure to “stack up” in our culture. We feel as if there is something wrong with us if, for example, we’re still single by a certain age, don’t make a certain amount of money, don’t have a large social circle, or don’t look and act a certain way in the presence of others. The list could truly go on forever.

    Sometimes in the midst of all the pressure, I seem to totally forget all the wonderful, unique things about myself.

    I get stuck in my head and allow my inner critic to completely tear apart my self-esteem until I hate myself too much to do anything except eat ice cream, watch daytime television, and sleep.

    The other day, while I was beating myself up over something I can’t even recall at the moment, I read a comment from one of my blog readers telling me that one of my posts literally got them through the night. Literally. And if that one simple word was used in the intended context, this person was basically telling me that one of my posts saved their life.

    I get comments like these on a pretty regular basis, and they always open my eyes to just how much I matter, regardless of my inner critic’s vehement objections.

    Such comments also open my eyes to all the things we beat ourselves up over that don’t matter—like whether or not we look like a Victoria’s Secret model in our bathing suit, or whether or not we should stop smiling if we’re not whitening our teeth, or whether or not the hole in our lucky shirt is worth bursting into tears over.

    Lately I’ve been trying harder to catch myself when I feel a non-serving, self-depreciating thought coming on. And I may let these thoughts slip at times, but that’s okay because I’m only human.

    While my self-love journey is ongoing, here are a few things I try to remember when I’m tempted to be mean to myself:

    1. The people you compare yourself to compare themselves to other people too.

    We all compare ourselves to other people, and I can assure you that the people who seem to have it all do not.

    When you look at other people through a lens of compassion and understanding rather than judgment and jealousy, you are better able to see them for what they are—human beings. They are beautifully imperfect human beings going through the same universal challenges that we all go through.   

    2. Your mind can be a very convincing liar.

    I saw a quote once that read, “Don’t believe everything you think.” That quote completely altered the way I react when a cruel or discouraging thought goes through my mind. Thoughts are just thoughts, and it’s unhealthy and exhausting to give so much power to the negative ones.     

    3. There is more right with you than wrong with you.

    This powerful reminder is inspired by one of my favorite quotes from Jon Kabat-Zinn: “Until you stop breathing, there’s more right with you than wrong with you.”

    As someone who sometimes tends to zoom in on all my perceived flaws, it helps to remember that there are lots of things I like about myself too—like the fact that I’m alive and breathing and able to pave new paths whenever I choose.

    4. You need love the most when you feel you deserve it the least.

    This was a recent epiphany of mine, although I’m sure it’s been said many times before.

    I find that it is most difficult to accept love and understanding from others when I’m in a state of anger, shame, anxiety, or depression. But adopting the above truth really shifted my perspective and made me realize that love is actually the greatest gift I can receive during such times.  

    5. You have to fully accept and make peace with the “now” before you can reach and feel satisfied with the “later.”

    One thing I’ve learned about making changes and reaching for the next rung on the ladder is that you cannot feel fully satisfied with where you’re going until you can accept, acknowledge, and appreciate where you are.

    Embrace and make peace with where you are, and your journey toward something new will feel much more peaceful, rewarding, and satisfying.

    6. Focus on progress rather than perfection and on how far you’ve come rather than how far you have left to go.

    One of the biggest causes of self-loathing is the hell-bent need to “get it right.” We strive for perfection and success, and when we fall short, we feel less than and worthless. What we don’t seem to realize is that working toward our goals and being willing to put ourselves out there are accomplishments within themselves, regardless of how many times we fail.

    Instead of berating yourself for messing up and stumbling backward, give yourself a pat on the back for trying, making progress, and coming as far as you have.     

    7. You can’t hate your way into loving yourself.

    Telling yourself what a failure you are won’t make you any more successful. Telling yourself you’re not living up to your full potential won’t help you reach a higher potential. Telling yourself you’re worthless and unlovable won’t make you feel any more worthy or lovable.

    I know it sounds almost annoyingly simple, but the only way to achieve self-love is to love yourself—regardless of who you are and where you stand, and even if you know you want to change.

    You are enough just as you are. And self-love will be a little bit easier every time you remind yourself of that.

  • Think Before Reacting: How to Use Your Mental Pause Button

    Think Before Reacting: How to Use Your Mental Pause Button

    “Better than a thousand hollow words is one word that brings peace.” ~Buddha

    I used to be the queen of putting my foot in my mouth. I’d say the first thing that came into my head without thinking.

    My intentions were always good, and I’d never deliberately offend or hurt anyone, but it landed me in trouble more than once.

    Being so reactionary also played havoc in my relationships. I was defensive and quick to answer back. I did a lot more talking than listening.

    This spread into other areas of my life. I’d put food into my mouth faster than my brain could stop me; I’d impulse buy and make split-second decisions before thinking them through.

    After a difficult breakup, I turned to yoga as a way of finding regular doses of positivity during an otherwise very bleak period.

    The yoga studio was run by some very wise yogis who also offered workshops on positive thinking, mindfulness, and self-development.

    They had a great bookshop, and soon, instead of watching mindless TV, I was engaging with inspiring people and reading life-changing books.

    On the same day that I attended a workshop on happiness, I met my husband-to-be. Two girlfriends dragged me off to a nightclub that evening.

    He says he was attracted to me immediately. I guess I was radiating some kind of positive aura, as I hadn’t dressed up or done my hair and makeup like my girlfriends had!

    Thankfully, by then my personal growth had led me to a greater sense of self-awareness.

    I’d discovered my internal pause button.

    Living life more presently and becoming mindful resulted in a natural slowing down. It opened my mind up to the art of just being.

    Learning to press pause means listening and assimilating before opening my mouth. I often hear a voice in my head saying what I would have normally voiced out loud, but in the few seconds I allow myself to pause, I realize it doesn’t need to be said at all.

    I’ve become a mindful eater and spender and now realize that most decisions in my life don’t have to be immediate. I relish in the joy of pondering.

    Here’s the manual for operating your internal pause button.

    
1. Recognize the trigger.

    Notice when sensations are building inside of you. Maybe it’s a rising heat in your body, a pulse in your head, a knot in your stomach, or a tightening in your chest.

    Recognize these triggers as signs to activate your internal pause button.

    In an argument, notice your ego rising up to defend its position. A simple awareness of the ego is enough to tame it and send it crawling back into its hiding place.

    2. Press pause.

    Mentally say, “pause,” as if you’re reaching for that remote control.

    3. Take a deep breath.

    Getting a quick hit of extra oxygen to your brain helps you compose your thoughts and brings you into the present moment.

    4. Observe.

    For interactions with people, just hold off and listen. There’s no rule that you have to say anything immediately. Notice the thoughts that go through your mind and simply observe them without attachment.

    To curb impulse eating or spending, rewind to a goal you’ve set yourself around this kind of situation or a mantra you’ve created. Fast forward to the best possible outcome. How do you want this to pan out?

    Again, allow yourself to simply observe the thoughts that pass through your mind.

    5. Press play.

    Now you’re ready to act. Mindfully.

    You may be thinking, “Sounds great in theory, but in the heat of the moment all of that is going to take too long!”

    Yes, it may feel like that at first. If you’re hard-wired to react immediately, it’s a case of reminding yourself that it’s ok to wait.

    Giving yourself even a few extra seconds before reacting can make a difference. Pressing the pause button gives you a chance to rewind, make a good choice, and then press play again to continue in a better way.

    It puts the power into your own hands to make good decisions and take control of your life. You gain deeper relationships and learn so much more by talking less and listening more.

    Just because you think it doesn’t mean you have to say it.

  • How to Improve Your Relationships and Make a Kinder World

    How to Improve Your Relationships and Make a Kinder World

    kindness

    “If you propose to speak, always ask yourself, is it true, is it necessary, is it kind.” ~Buddha

    I once attended a lecture given by a world-renowned expert on post-traumatic stress disorder. The lecture made two points that I have never forgotten. I call them “brain tricks.”

    1. Given a choice, our primitive brain will naturally select for the negative. It’s a survival thing.

    2. When in crisis, the part of our brain that conceptualizes time and space goes off line. In other words, our brain increases the urgency of the problem by making us think the crisis will never end.

    Fortunately, these tricks, while at times necessary to protect us, are the activity of our primitive mind and we do not have to be at the mercy of them.

    Through awareness and a desire not be reactive, we can shift to our more evolved brain and get an accurate perspective, enabling us to respond in a more equitable manner.

    I’m concerned that we may be unknowingly generating those “brain tricks.” There seems to be a strong movement toward trolling for what’s “wrong” on just about every level. It appears that popular culture’s collective brain is a giant reflection of a society in crisis.

    We live in a reactive world that would choose to focus on what is wrong rather than what is right, even when there is so much that is right.

    The term “snarky” has become an attribute to be admired. Being witty at someone else’s expense can leave us with a feeling of authority and control. Egos get a boost and identities get clarified when what we disagree with gets isolated.

    However, problems arise when this penchant for sarcasm, cynicism, and criticism takes a leap into our relationships.

    I believe this sanctioned attack on others is one of the primary reasons generalized anxiety is on the rise and long-term relationships are on the decline.

    There is a better way to strengthen egos and that is by embodying the art of common courtesy. Wouldn’t it be sweet if being kind and thoughtful was the “new” witty—the new identity booster and clarifier?

    Common courtesy begins with positive regard for all humanity. Though we may have differences, we have more similarities.

    Because our brains naturally select for the negative, we have to train our minds to proactively look for the positive and for what we have in common.

    Respecting others is an offshoot of positive regard. It’s not flattery, nor is it following orders.

    It is honoring people’s right to be themselves, along with their beliefs, and the way they want to live their lives. It requires empathy, not necessarily agreement.

    Treating a person as less valuable or worthy in any way shows disrespect and leads to conflict, both inward and outward. It is false pride to feel good when treating someone with disdain.

    Common courtesy shows you can look beyond yourself. It demonstrates caring, generosity, good will, and the valuing of others.

    I learned my lesson not long ago while out to dinner in a nice restaurant with my family. We were having a delightful evening, enjoying our food, and discussing plans for a possible European vacation.

    My two sons expressed an interest in going, but were having trouble seeing how their university schedules could accommodate a three-week vacation. One son was particularly snarky in his communication.

    I immediately got on the defensive, and returned his snarkiness with my own.

    “You know,” I said, “you can be really difficult to get along with.” As soon as the words left my mouth, heaviness spread throughout the room. The night was ruined.

    I felt both shame and anger. In my mind I determined we would not be spending any money on a European vacation, at least not one that included ungrateful sons. I went home and to bed, but not before my husband told me I had been too harsh.

    The next morning I woke up with a guilt hangover. I thought deeply about the night before. The light went off in my head when I asked myself how I would’ve felt if someone had told me I was hard to get along with.

    Ouch! That would’ve cut deep, and I said those words to someone I love very much. In fact, I love him so much I was planning an expensive vacation so that his mind could be expanded. Ironic, huh?

    The truth is, I could’ve conveyed my frustration in a more courteous manner. For example, I could have said:

    “I can see this is going to be complicated. Why don’t you give it some thought and we can talk more about it next week when we have more information.”

    Immediately, I texted him, “Please forgive me for the harsh words I said to you last night at dinner. I realize they were hurtful and it hurts my heart to know I caused you pain.” I heard back from him in seconds: ”No worries Mom. I love you.”

    Here’s what I’ve learned about building a kinder world through common courtesy:

    Greet others.

    When you make eye contact with anyone, say hello, smile, or wave. Everybody wants to be recognized, included, and acknowledged.

    Say please and thank you.

    Being polite sends a safety message. It shows positive regard and respect.

    Be courteous in conversation.

    Ask people questions about themselves to show a genuine interest in what’s important to them. Then fully listen. Show people you value and respect what they say, even if you disagree with them.

    Apologize.

    Admit when you are wrong and apologize.

    Build people up instead of tearing them down.

    Let people know what you admire about them. Give genuine compliments freely. Tell them you believe in them and share their good qualities with others.

    Go the extra mile.

    Show people you care by going out of your way to perform acts of kindness.

    The bottom line is: Follow The Golden Rule. It is no surprise that some form of it is found in every culture; it is a universal law. Treat others as you would like to be treated. It’s that simple.

    If we don’t like to be criticized, we shouldn’t criticize others.

    If we don’t appreciate someone rolling their eyes at us, we shouldn’t roll our eyes at others.

    If we don’t want people mocking us to others, we shouldn’t mock other people or gossip.

    If we are tired of people not respecting our values and choices, we need to respect others’ values and choices.

    If we don’t want to be the target of someone’s snarkiness, we need to stop being snarky ourselves.

    In the immortal words of Mahatma Gandhi, “Be the change you want to see in the world.”

    Photo by Ed Yourdon

  • How to Stop Judging and Being Hard on Yourself

    How to Stop Judging and Being Hard on Yourself

    “You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha

    For a long time I joked that if I had a time machine, I would go back to 1989 and give my sixteen-year-old self a swift butt kicking. But then a few months ago, on my fortieth birthday, a friend posted a picture of me at sixteen on Facebook.

    Seeing this image of myself totally threw me for a loop. Other than a school photo, it’s probably one of the few pictures I am aware of from that time in my life.

    I spent some time contemplating this version of me glancing sideways at the camera. Under the surly expression of not wanting my photograph taken, there is undeniable beauty and innocence.

    What makes it even more poignant is that I am the mother of a teenage boy who happens to be sixteen right now. His teenage drama has brought back so many memories of myself at that age.

    For most of my career as a teenager I was preoccupied with being cool, with cultivating a counter-culture, bohemian persona (assuming clove cigarettes, On the Road, and a pile of mixed tapes constituted “bohemian”). Rolling my eyes at my mother was a near constant affectation.

    I was certain that I knew it all; I had the rest of my life all figured out and I rejected anything that didn’t fit with my narrow understanding of the world. I now know there were countless experiences I missed out on by virtue of my stubbornness and general disdain for everything.

    I avoided most of the mainstream high school dances and events. I dropped out of clubs and activities as soon as they felt challenging. I didn’t bother investigating the many academic and social opportunities that came my way.

    What I would have regarded not long ago as a silly, selfish, snotty teenage attitude, I now realize is something else entirely. In that picture I see the seeds of pain and hurt—some already planted and taking root; some yet to be sown.

    Lack of encouragement and confidence was written all over my face. The trauma of rejection and the fear of not measuring up was so apparent. That cool thing was just an act—a part I was playing to protect the hurt little girl that I really was.

    It occurred to me as I observed her tentative gaze that this girl is still a part of me and deserves my love and tenderness, not my judgment. She deserves respect for the woman she is going to become and comfort for the child she has been.

    Those reflections brought me full speed into the present moment. Seeing this image of myself in a new light forced me to examine the way I treat myself today. I tend to be pretty understanding and gentle with others, but so tremendously unforgiving with myself.

    Maybe it’s a sense of guilt over squandering my potential. Or maybe I’ve grown to be hyper-vigilant about seeming unworthy. Perhaps I’ve just been metaphorically giving my inner sixteen-year-old a butt kicking all along.

    Whatever the reason, when I notice in hindsight that I’ve made a bad decision or missed an important detail, I beat myself up. Whether it’s buying something that turns out to be a waste of money or spending time goofing off on the Internet, I often feel like I’m that teenager in need of a stern, judgmental lecture.

    I have yet to really figure out why I’m so ruthless with regard to my own mistakes but I’m pretty sure I’m not alone. If our culture’s lack of self-esteem is any indication, this seems to be a challenge for many people.

    I’ve heard it said that until you can love yourself, you can’t truly love others. I’m not sure how much I agree with that. In fact, I’ve come to think of maternal love as loving someone else more than you love yourself.

    What I do know is that struggling to love myself makes showing up in the world a big challenge. Showing up as my authentic self requires so much effort. In fact it’s nearly impossible when I don’t feel self-love.

    I strongly feel that lack of self-love holds us back. It prevents us from connecting with our purpose and doing great things. I may be over-generalizing but the scarcity of self-love in our society seems to be at the root of so many common problems.

    It’s important to understand that loving yourself doesn’t mean you are selfish or a narcissist or that you don’t take responsibility for your mistakes. It means that you treat yourself fairly and with respect.

    Self-love means that I forgive myself for my errors and continue striving to be the best person I can be. It means I believe in myself and put the same effort into my well-being as I do for my loved ones.

    It should come as no surprise that the practice of self-love is far easier said than done. But, in my often-imperfect journey to loving myself, I’ve learned a few things along the way:

    1. Challenge the notion that there’s any merit to being hard on yourself.

    Beating yourself up may have the short-term effect of making you work harder or be more diligent. But in the long run, being unkind to yourself causes resentment, a sense of defeat, and eventually some emotional scars.

    2. Add a new twist to the Golden Rule.

    We always teach children that they should treat others the way they wish to be treated. A good rule as we grow up is to treat ourselves according to the same standards we treat others.

    You probably aren’t the kind of person who would call their child, mother, or best friend “stupid,” so why would you say that kind of thing to yourself?

    3. Know that forgiving yourself doesn’t mean lowering your standards.

    There is nothing wrong with striving to be the best you can be. However, it’s important to cut yourself some slack when you fall short of expectations.

    Making a mistake or not being perfect is simply part of being human. If you didn’t do your best, it’s okay and it’s really not the end of the world. Dust yourself off, keep moving forward, and love yourself for all your imperfections!

    While it’s definitely not easy at first, I promise that learning to love yourself really does pay off. The love and kindness we have for ourselves may eventually allow us to change the world!

  • How to Be Hurt Less by So-Called Evil People

    How to Be Hurt Less by So-Called Evil People

    Protected by Light

    “Every sweet has its sour; every evil its good.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

    There were monsters in my closet—or so my five-year-old self believed. As soon as my mother kissed me goodnight and flipped the lights off, they would appear.

    See, in my room, the sliding closet doors were kept open, and on the top three shelves, monsters would magically appear in the darkness. Their wide mouths closely resembled folded towels and their eyes looked like the buttons of my sweaters, but I was too scared to notice.

    I could only see evil creatures staring at me, and after a few minutes of terrorizing myself, I would run out of my room and jump in my parents’ bed. Then, one night, I closed the closet doors and the monsters went away.

    Years later, another monster would haunt me in the middle of the night.

    This monster had a name, and one of those facial expressions that made her look as she was perpetually frowning. This monster had had an affair with my husband, and had repeatedly attempted to thwart all of my efforts to forgive and to save my marriage.

    “That woman is evil,” friends of mine who knew her would say. “She’s plain evil.”

    I believed she was evil, and when she assumed the role of a monster in my head, anger and fear settled themselves comfortably in my heart.

    As I did when I was little, I tried to close the doors of my awareness to send this new monster away. When a thought about what had happened came to me, I would push it out of my mind, but the thought would eventually return with renewed intensity.

    Then, one day, as life as I knew it crumbled before my eyes, I started to awaken. I knew that unless I let go of the fear and anger, I wouldn’t be able to move forward into love and happiness. I loved myself too much to remain stuck in this dark place.

    Messages about oneness and compassion seemed to come to me from books, podcasts, live lectures, the Internet, and people I met. Life was calling me back.

    I understood that I had the power to free myself from this “monster” and from all the “evil” people that might try to come into my life. I’d like to share what I learned with you. 

    “Evilness” is a judgment.

    When you label people as “evil” or as “bad,” you block your ability to see that they come from the same source that created you. Removing judgment allows you to extend compassion not only to them, but also to yourself. Through compassion, you can heal.

    You can choose not to give power to so-called evil people.

    You might have given the evildoers starring roles in your life drama, but to them, you might just be someone who got in their way. They pursued their goal without considering the damage caused by their actions.

    They probably rationalized what they did in a way that made them feel they weren’t doing anything wrong, or that they had no option but to do what they did.

    By realizing this, taking the actions of others less personally, and changing your thoughts about these actions, you can choose not to give your power away to other people. You can lessen the negative impact that hurtful actions have on your emotional state.

    “Bad” people can become your greatest teachers.

    My adult-life “monster” taught me to deal with adversity like no one else. Whoever has come into your life has done so for a reason. Ask yourself what lesson you can learn from the negative behavior of other people.

    It’s okay to reject “evil.”

    Once the worst of my situation was over, I learned I had the choice to simply not let myself be bothered by what anyone had done to me.

    When people were verbally attacking him in public, Buddha responded, “If you have a gift to give a friend, but the friend refuses to accept the gift, who then does the gift belong to?”

    Limit your time with those who tend to bring negativity into your life and choose not to place your attention on the detrimental actions of others.

    “Evil” dissolves when you bring light into it.

    If I had just turned on the light in my room when I was little, the monsters in my closet would’ve disappeared.

    Usually, when others attack you, they are subconsciously seeking to bring up negative emotions in you. Their pain needs to feed on your pain to continue existing. If you decide to not give in to the negative emotions, they’ll have less incentive to attack. Light nullifies darkness.

    Bring the light of your love and kindness to everyone around you, and watch the “bad” people in your life retreat or even change their actions.

    “Evil” people don’t know better.

    People who hurt you act out of ignorance. They justify their harmful behavior by thinking they are doing what they need to do given the circumstances in their lives.

    Also, people who harm others are usually in dreadful emotional states. They are under such pain that all they have to give to others is pain. Realizing this truth will help you advance on the road to compassion and forgiveness.

    There are no evil people.

    However, the world is filled with people thinking evil thoughts. If you become prey to anger and hatred, you’ll join the ranks.

    Send love to everyone around you, including those who’ve hurt you. Love will open the door for goodness to come into your life, and will close the door to those evil monsters in the closet who are people just like you and me, doing what they think is best at a certain moment in their lives.

    Photo by Jenny Poole

  • What We Need to Do Before We Can Have Happy, Loving Relationships

    What We Need to Do Before We Can Have Happy, Loving Relationships

    “Once you have learned to love, you will have learned to live.” ~Unknown

    Ever since I was a young girl, relationships have fascinated me, particularly romantic ones. I had beautiful fantasies of my perfect partner appearing and completing me. We would fall in love and live happily ever after.

    As a child, I believed that being in a romantic relationship, and especially being married, meant lasting happiness. All the love and joy I would ever want or need would be mine when “the one” arrived. Daydreams of my soul mate filled my tween brain.

    This fairy tale view of relationships didn’t disappear when I came of age, but followed me into adulthood when I married a man that I knew in my gut simply wasn’t right for me.

    At first, it was exciting to be someone’s wife and to have a husband, but my high expectations quickly created tremendous disappointment for me. We both demanded that the other change, and the relationship quickly became one filled with resentment and contempt.

    After struggling to “work on” our relationship and seeing no improvement, we separated and eventually divorced. I was devastated and bitterly blamed him.

    He was the “bad guy” and I was the innocent victim. I lacked the awareness necessary to examine my own actions and learned nothing, except to fear entering into another relationship.

    The only thing that I knew for sure was that I never wanted to go through such a painful experience again.

    I had no idea that I had any power at all. I felt like I was at the effect of what others said and did, and I was so easily wounded. The world of men and relationships felt very scary and I was apprehensive when I re-entered the dating world.

    In what I now understand was an attempt to protect myself, I made terrible judgments and generalizations about relationships and men.

    My reality reflected these fearful thoughts, and in the year following my divorce I dated men who were perfect examples of the stereotypes I adopted. Even though I had left my marriage, nothing had truly changed and, in fact, through my own fear had grown worse.

    In spite of this, having a relationship with a man still remained a strong desire. I certainly didn’t want to repeat the past and I refused to settle for just any romantic relationship. With absolute resolve, I vowed that I would have a healthy, happy, close, and loving relationship.

    This became my intention, and I became passionately committed to learning and doing whatever I could to get me there.

    For over a year I studied the ways in which romantic relationships worked and how they could be close and loving, but was discouraged and frustrated by most of what I read. It seemed that most of what I learned required the effort of both partners.

    While I understood that a happy, healthy relationship takes two people, I knew I had to first work on myself.

    My question became: “What can I, and I alone, do to create a close, happy, and loving relationship?”

    As I studied over the next few months with this new distinction, I noticed something unexpected and wonderful unfolding.

    I had shifted from how to find the right man and get him to give me love and make me happy, to learning who I had to become in order to create and maintain a close, loving relationship.

    This was a brand new way of looking at things and a brand new way of being that was incredibly exciting for me.

    For the next two years, I learned as much as I could and put into practice everything I was learning. It yielded radically different results than I had ever gotten before. All of my relationships greatly improved, including, and especially, my relationship with myself.

    My relationship with myself had always been love/hate. Now, as I became more and more aware that I truly am empowered to create loving relationships as well as a wonderful life, I began to see myself and others in a new light.

    My new understanding of myself and others became: We are all infinitely and eternally beautiful souls, intrinsically worthy of love.

    Each one of us are intrinsically worthy of love, not because we are entitled to other people giving it to us, but because we are love. We are all whole and need nothing outside of ourselves to complete us. These words weren’t new to me, but for the first time I understood and felt the truth of them.

    For so long I had been trying to force others to give me love, manipulating them, making demands, giving with an expectation of receiving in return (also known as barter), and it only led to frustration and resentment.

    It struck me all at once that everything I had learned over the course of three years was truly about giving love joyfully from a place of being love. Wholeness was the name of that game.

    I was no longer concerned with trying to find the perfect man, fix relationship problems, or change anyone else.

    Although I’m not perfect and never will be, I’ve had increasing moments of awareness and clarity when I was able to keep the focus completely on my self. Not focused on my “needs” and how I can get those met by others, but what I could do to become more whole and full of love so that I’m more focused on giving than taking.

    Interestingly, my original intention in studying relationships was only to improve my own chances of having a good, lasting relationship with a man. It was my hope that I would learn some tricks to get a good man interested and then to get him remain attracted enough to me to shower me with gifts, affection, attention, and praise.

    What I have learned and continue to learn is infinitely better.

    What I’ve learned is how to use the resources that lie within me, that lie within each of us, to be the kind of partner that naturally has a close, loving, happy, healthy relationship with her mate without always “working on it.”

    As most of us can attest, this kind of struggle never works long term. I learned to grow through my experiences in my relationships, become more loving and more whole, and give from a place of joy, which effortlessly creates a close, loving, happy, healthy relationship.

    This journey to “love enlightenment” has been amazing so far, with many ups and downs, as I’m sure it will continue to be.

    The wisdom I have gained has been invaluable for creating positive change not only within myself and in my relationships, but in my entire life. I have learned to be a better partner for my partner, for myself, for everyone I know and meet, and for the world at large.

    The goal is not to reach some destination, but to understand more about what it means to be whole. Perfection isn’t possible, but perhaps your intention could be to become more aware of what you are giving and being, and let it be love more and more of the time.

    In short, through your relationships with others grow more into the truth of who you are at the core of your being: you are love.

  • Finally Letting Go of the Pain and Moving On after a Breakup

    Finally Letting Go of the Pain and Moving On after a Breakup

    “Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” ~C. S. Lewis

    Another year over and you’re still troubled by a relationship that ended last year or in years past. The whole thing is dragging on too long—why can’t you just get over it? But every time you think about it or bump into your ex, you feel ruined again

    How about giving your feelings another shake?

    Rattle them in any direction—a new one. If it turns out to be the wrong direction you can correct that later, but just move them, any which way, get them out of the rut they’re in. One way to do this is by talking it through, even more than you already have.

    Why Talk it Out?

    Perhaps something remains unsaid for you, even now. Perhaps that’s why your feelings remain so strong. Or perhaps they’re entangled with non-relationship issues—a sense of getting older, time passing, concern about not having children, or the life you hoped for.

    Perhaps part of you holds out hope you could get back together again. Perhaps you need to admit that and let go of it.

    Maybe you fear you won’t meet anyone else like your ex. You won’t, but you will meet someone. Just they will be different.

    Explore all this.

    How It Helped Me

    I attended a few counseling sessions a year after the end of a relationship. It had been a long, happy relationship that had started in my early twenties, but it burned out as our lives took us in different mental and geographic directions.

    For the year after the breakup I got on okay with life, but the shine had gone. A veil hung between me and true engagement with the world. I could smile but the smile never went to my eyes.

    I honestly thought I had done all the talking I could at the time of the breakup—my ex and I had even attended couple-counseling together—but a year later, something still felt stuck in my chest.

    So I sat myself down in front of a counselor. I didn’t want to or feel like it, but suddenly all this stuff came out of my mouth—stuff I found laughable or which fell away as I said it, stuff I didn’t know I’d been thinking. Apparently, it just wanted to get itself off my chest. And it had needed a year to mature sufficiently to do it.

    I kept apologizing to the counselor for talking endlessly and not letting her get a word in. But it worked. I realized I was over the relationship, but not the process of its ending—the fatigue, the accusations, the indecisions, the reverberation among friends and family.

    I was suffering a lingering childlike shock that such things could happen in life. Discovering this, and finally putting words to it, allowed those feelings to go.

    Some other things I’ve learned along the way:

    If You’re Feeling Overwhelmed By Emotion

    You’ve just bumped into your ex and you’re feeling highly emotional. Half of you wants to cry, half of you would do anything to get rid of those feelings.

    This is your mind panicking to get rid of emotions it cannot understand. The mind likes to understand things but can never understand the heart. Hearts have no logic.

    So, abandon trying to comprehend what happened or why. After all, at this stage, is there anything your ex could say or do that would change how you feel?

    Befriend the part of you that gets emotional. Don’t beat it up. It’s normal and healthy to feel how you feel. You’re alive!

    Besides, emotion shows you have a heart and would not wish the same sorrow on others. This aspect of your personality is to be treasured. Wouldn’t you love it in anyone else?

    So, instead of trying to quash emotion, ask “Is it possible for me to feel like this and still be okay?” Because your heart is stronger than you know; it is designed to handle being broken.

    Loving Someone Does Not Mean You Should Be With Them

    It also doesn’t mean that they’re good for you. Face this reality squarely. You can have a happy life, even with great sorrow in your heart, even while carrying loss.

    Physically, your body is probably keeping going just fine and it’s only your mind that has the problem. Its idea that “things should have been different” conflicts with what actually happened, so it wedges your mental wounds open.

    That causes the turmoil. Give in.

    Admit: “This is exactly how it should have been. This is exactly how it is.” Shrug while saying it. Facing the truth is difficult. As a result, life may feel more painful, yet perhaps also more peaceful, because conflict with it is reduced.

    Our Sorrowful Life And Happy Life Can Exist In Parallel

    Author A.S.Byatt has occasionally spoken about the longevity of bereavement. She lost her son forty years ago. He was eleven.

    Twenty years later she told an interviewer, “You don’t get over it and you suffer greatly from people supposing you will. You suffer from people not understanding the pain of grief.”

    Another twenty years on, Byatt shared with another interviewer a metaphor she developed with her friend Gill Cadell, a widow. It involves parallel train tracks:

    “One is appalling and one you just go along,” explained Byatt. “Gill said to me, ‘Is it alright to be pleased to see the flowers in the morning?’ And I said, ‘Oh yes, because the other track is always there.’”

    The interviewer asked, “You mean the appalling track?”

    “Yep.”

    “And it’s still there?”

    “Oh yes, it hasn’t changed.”’

    You see, winter trickles into the beginnings of spring. It’s okay to try loving a new person while still loving your ex. The heart can simultaneously run along multiple tracks.

    Making The Decision

    My friend, who dabbles in NLP, had a client who was still heartbroken eighteen months after breaking up with her boyfriend. The woman was explaining to my friend, in detail, how she felt—a curdle of sadness, anger, hurt—and how she was convinced she would never be able to move on.

    My friend stopped her, saying, “And now tell me, how you will feel when you are over him?”

    The woman described how free she would feel, how relieved that it was behind her, how keen she would be to get on with life, how confident and unafraid she would be if she happened to meet her ex.

    My friend suggested, “So why don’t you just feel that now?”

    The woman’s life transformed instantly.

    For her, it was about making a decision to move on. If it has been a while since your relationship ended, perhaps this choice is also available to you. Play with the idea.

    Five More Minutes And We’re Going On A Bike Ride

    I remember a story about Kylie Minogue that went something like this. She had recently been diagnosed with breast cancer and her boyfriend sometimes found her crying on the bathroom floor.

    He would firmly tell her, “Okay, honey, you can cry for just five minutes, then I’m taking you on the bike for a ride.”

    She’d think, “Hmm. Actually a bike ride sounds pretty good.”

    This is the attitude to take. It doesn’t matter if sorrow comes again and again, just each time draw a line in the sand. And beyond that line make something else happen.

    It Has Been Long Enough Now

    People may tell you it’s time you got over your relationship. Like with bereavement, you don’t ever have to “get over” it, but you may need to more forcibly move yourself on, and if you’re stuck, to take a new approach to doing so.

    Hurtful experiences, ones that emotionally and logistically reset our lives, leave us with two choices: open up more or close down.

    The braver choice—the one that will allow new things to enter your life—is to open up.

    So how about setting aside a few weeks to unfold this a little more? If you can’t climb out, dig out. Book yourself a few sessions with a counselor whether or not you feel like it or think it will help.

    Go in, sit down, see what happens. Give your heart the chance to say everything it wants regarding the relationship and whatever is entwined with it. What emerges may surprise you.

    Give yourself a new and different opportunity to leave it behind.

  • Hang Up the Superhero Cape: We Don’t Have to Do It All Alone

    Hang Up the Superhero Cape: We Don’t Have to Do It All Alone

    Superhero

    “When we can no longer change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” ~Viktor Frankl

    In the spring of 2008 when my son was only seven months old, I received a text message from his stay-at-home dad while I was at work. The text read, “He’s in the crib.” I did not respond because those five words said everything I needed to know.

    My son’s father had left us, and worse, he had left my son alone in his crib. I was at work fifteen miles away. 

    Adrenaline is an interesting thing. I don’t remember many details about that day except the text and the number of red lights I drove through to get to my son. Four.

    No one is ever prepared for events like these at any time in their life. Trauma, loss, and adapting to change are hard for all of us and for the people around us, as well.

    I come from a family culture that encourages “being strong,” which translates roughly into not asking for or needing help and continuing on with life as if all is well—at least on the outside.

    In fact, I have spent most of my adult years cultivating a life of self-sufficiency and independence, and I approached this experience no differently. I went into action mode and didn’t allow myself too much time to think about or feel the emotional impact of what had happened.

    I did not miss a single day of work through all of this. I just woke up, did what I needed to do, and went to bed. Every day.

    When my son went through a superhero phase, I wore the outfits too. It fed the image I had of myself as able to take on anything life wanted to throw at me. And I could even do it in white vinyl boots.

    Self-sufficiency worked well for me in the past as a single person, but not as a single parent.

    Facing this new life that involved another person (my son), using my old coping skills, slowly caught up with me in the form of health issues, depression, and problems with relating well with others in almost every area of my life.

    It become clear to me that something had to change. But I was not ready to let go of the idea that I could handle everything. If anything, I thought what I needed was more money, a different home, or maybe a different job.

    On some deeper level I knew that I had to internally change, but I convinced myself that to do so was impossible with my current life situation. I had to be strong.

    Instead of starting up the face of what I perceived as an impassable mountain, I clung to the hope that something external would change and I could do life the way that I had always done it.

    I did not or could not see that holding on to my old way of relating to the world was requiring far more energy and resulting in far more pain. I was not living self-sufficiently. I was still in survival mode, which is never a viable long-term solution.

    But then, as often happens to the most stubborn of us, I hit bottom. I was ill, alone, and worried about my son’s future, with or without me.

    That was when I finally embraced the possibility that I could completely let go of and live my life without ground under my feet. This would require me giving up my current self-image. And I had no idea what the outcome would be.

    What I learned was that by making these internal shifts, my life would improve without anything (or anyone) changing around me.

    Hang up the superhero cape.

    I became willing to let go of the idea that I could (or should) do everything, be everything, and handle everything on my own.

    Notice that I said, “Became willing.” I hung up my superhero cape and relinquished the badass title. But the cape is in the closet and I admittedly peek at it now and again. I just don’t let myself put it on unless it’s Halloween.

    Engage in a daily mindfulness practice.

    I went back to a consistent yoga and daily meditation practice.

    When I stopped the constant activity and started paying attention to what was going on inside of me, I began to notice how quickly things come and go if we let them be. Happy, sad, joyful, anxious—here now and then gone.

    This daily practice has helped me learn to stay in the moment and not take my thoughts very seriously. So, when the urge to put on the superhero cape returns, I gently say, “thinking.”

    Practice gratitude.

    I began to accept my life the way it is rather than hoping it would one day change. By practicing mindfulness I spend less time in my head planning how I would like things to be one day.

    When I wake up in the morning, before I get out of bed, I say thank you and smile. I do the same when I go to bed. It is such a small act but with such profound results. Try it.

    Give freely and receive freely.

    The giving part is pretty easy for me. But asking for and receiving help is still an ongoing challenge.

    Staying in the moment helps identify the feelings that arise that try to convince me that asking for help is a sign of weakness and that receiving help makes me a burden.

    The truth is that giving and receiving help are two of the greatest gifts we can give to ourselves and to others. When we drop the superhero cape and receive from others, we are allowing them an opportunity to be of service, feel good about themselves, and to improve their karma!

    Don’t take life personally.

    It takes a lot of useless energy to determine why things happen. I could spend hours replaying the events of my life with different endings, wondering what I could have done differently or trying to determine who is to blame.

    The truth is, no matter how much we try to exert control, we will all face challenges and we will all experience suffering at some point in our lives. No one is exempt from pain. No one.

    In fact, taking some time to recognize the extent to which people suffer is a useful exercise that helped me develop acceptance of my own situation and allowed me to develop compassion—for myself, for my son’s father, and for others.

    It’s a spiritual work-out.

    Many people have great ideas to help you in this process but few talk about how hard it can be. It can be hard, but not as demanding as being a superhero.

    It also feels, at times, very confusing to travel a great distance in how I respond to the world only to find myself completely lose it—I mean really get hooked back into the old ways one day with a partner or at work or in traffic.

    Don’t get too caught up in an end result. If thoughts come up about what a waste of time all of your efforts to date have been, just notice them and gently say “thinking.” You might need to say, “thinking” a few dozen times. This is good. It is all good.

    Breathe.

    Probably the single most important thing you can do to change your life for the better without changing a thing around you. Take a deep breath.

    Let it be.

    Photo by Zach Dischner

  • Dealing with Disappointing Relationships: Change Your Expectations

    Dealing with Disappointing Relationships: Change Your Expectations

    Disappointed

    “If you can’t change the circumstances, change your perspective.” ~Unknown

    Sometimes it feels as if you are completely in control of your life, but when it comes to relationships there’s always the other person.

    In a relationship, you can’t be the puppeteer. People have their own emotions, behaviors, actions, beliefs, scars, wounds, fears, dreams, and perspectives. They are their own person.

    How often have you wanted a relationship to be something that it was not?

    How many times have you said a certain word or phrase in order to spark a specific reaction?

    How much do you expect from this person? Do they fail you each and every time?

    In healthy relationships there are certain expectations, like being treated well or being respected. Yet sometimes we find ourselves in relationships that don’t mirror what we anticipate to happen. We may feel hurt or used.

    We cannot expect other people to treat us as we would treat them. We cannot assume anything or force change upon someone who clearly demonstrates he or she is stuck in his or her own way.

    With eyes full of clarity, I am capable of changing the relationships in my life by adjusting my point of view.

    I call my father a sperm donor. He gave me life but never showed up in my life.

    My friends at school never knew I had a father because they never saw him. He missed all of the concerts and sports games. For the majority of my life, we didn’t talk. He didn’t acknowledge me—no birthday calls. I had no idea where my dad lived. Some days I was not sure he was still alive.

    In high school, my dad limped back into my life. I could stop by his apartment and visit him when I wanted to. If I called him, he would pick up the phone. Things were changing between us.

    Blindingly bright, his true colors revealed themselves the night before my high school graduation when I called to make sure he was coming. He said he couldn’t attend because he had to drive a friend to the airport. Cabs exist. His friend could have used one. I was angry, sad, and most of all, hurt.

    Rejection from my father has been the hardest thing for me to accept. It is not easy to grasp the idea that someone who once loved me, adored me, gave life to me could turn his back and walk away so easily.

    I could no longer take the feelings of disappointment.

    These feelings were a direct result of what I was expecting from him:

    • Assuming he would respond to things as I would.
    • Assuming he would care like I do.
    • Assuming he thinks in a similar way as I do.

    I was living in a fantasyland of my hopes, dreams, ideas, beliefs, expectations, and assumptions.

    I was hurting myself most.

    For the protection of my emotional body, I changed my perception from what I hoped would happen to being open to experience whatever actually happens.

    This shift didn’t occur immediately, but by following the five steps listed below I was able to come to peace with the type of relationship I have with my father.

    1. Be aware of reality.

    Acknowledge the other person’s behaviors. Look at patterns and how they regularly treat you. Remember the feelings you had in the past. Don’t be fooled into believing things are different from how they are.

    2. Stop manipulating situations.

    Many times we yearn for specific responses, like validation and approval. When we do not receive what we want, we may speak or behave in certain ways to try to elicit the desired reaction.

    This type of behavior leaves us feeling empty when the other person does not react the way we hope they would. Remember, you cannot change anyone; it is up to them to change.

    3. Let go.

    Throw expectations and assumptions out the door. Release the hopes, wishes, and dreams that things will change by detaching from the ideas.

    Get out of the fantasy world by not hooking into the thoughts of what could be. Keep your mind from running into the future. Remain open to all possibilities by staying in the present moment.

    4. Focus on those who love you.

    It will be easier to follow the third step if you remind yourself of those who are there for you. They continue to be there because they care about you. Focus on people who make you feel loved, connected, cared for, and worthy. Reach out to them and reconnect.

    5. Learn to love yourself.

    Provide yourself with what you are yearning for (compliments, compassion, or encouragement). Only you know what you truly need.

    Realize each moment you are being the best you at that time. Build self-confidence and strive to eliminate any doubts you have about yourself. When you feel shaky or alone, look in your eyes in the mirror and say, “I love you.” Nurture yourself. Feel the love you have inside of yourself.

    Let go of your expectations of people and see how your relationships change. And if you don’t feel differently about it or if it’s not benefiting you, you can always walk away. Your emotional state matters most. You cannot control other people, but you can make yourself happy.

    Photo by Don

  • A Small Act of Kindness Can Make a Big Difference

    A Small Act of Kindness Can Make a Big Difference

    “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.  If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” ~Dalai Lama

    I had an old trench coat that was balled up on the floor of my garage, gathering dust near the washing machine. It was raining. It was unusually cold (for California, anyway).

    I was driving home when I saw a man in a short sleeved shirt wandering through our neighborhood, pushing a shopping cart. He was walking painfully slow. He was dripping wet.

    I paused at the intersection to my street and watched him for several minutes, thinking. My heart was heavy seeing him move so slowly, so wet, so cold. I suddenly remembered the crumpled-up coat. But what if I needed it sometime in the future? A story I had once heard at a church conference came to mind.

    An Inspiring Story of Kindness

    Two boys walked down a road that led through a field. The younger of the two noticed a man toiling in the fields of his farm, his good clothes stacked neatly off to the side.

    The boy looked at his older friend and said, “Let’s hide his shoes so when he comes from the field, he won’t be able to find them. His expression will be priceless!” The boy laughed.

    The older of the two boys thought for a moment and said, “The man looks poor. See his clothes? Let’s do this instead: Let’s hide a silver dollar in each shoe and then we’ll hide in these bushes and see how he reacts to that, instead.” (more…)

  • Living Your Legacy: How Will You Touch Others’ Lives?

    Living Your Legacy: How Will You Touch Others’ Lives?

    Kindness

    “The greatest gift is a portion of thyself.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

    Recently a friend asked me what kind of legacy I want to leave for future generations. It was an unexpected question that really got my wheels turning.

    Usually when people pass away there is a huge focus on the things they owned and who gets what, and the idea of handing down ideas and values was a totally new way to look at it.

    What if the most important gift we can give our descendants is not a tangible item, but a piece of ourselves?

    It seemed revolutionary!

    So I started thinking about the things my loved ones (the ones still living and the ones who have passed) have shared with me.

    I thought back to the backyard parties my grandparents used to have with friends, food, and music. My grandfather played guitar and sang us children’s songs in Spanish.

    My dad’s sisters had been dancers in their youth, and as kids we would play for hours in my grandmother’s attic, trying on their colorful costumes and playing make believe. My mom’s sisters and brothers shared their love of games and books with us.

    Some things were passed on and taken to heart. These are the ones that I want to continue as part of my legacy.

    My grandparents on both sides demonstrated deeply held faith and never missed church on Sunday. Even at ninety-five my grandmother still gets upset that the family won’t let her walk to church whenever she wants.

    My path isn’t the same as theirs, but I hope to inspire a deep connection, with self, loved ones, and with the divine.

    There is magic in connection. Take the time to listen. It’s so easy to hurry through life, but it’s over too quickly and there is so much to learn and enjoy when you stop and take in the stories that are shared with you.

    The stories of my grandfather bringing home people who needed a meal are family legend, and I have seen my dad fill a bag of groceries from our refrigerator to give to a young mother who was in need.

    A few years ago my brother gave his Christmas money to a single father who needed holiday gifts for his kids. And those are just a few examples.

    I like to say that generosity runs in my family. I am but one link in a long chain of sharing and lending helping hand to those who were in need.

    And what I know is that the energy of giving is extremely powerful, and generous actions will bring you as much blessing as it brings to those you help. I hope to be a good example of generosity in action.

    I have vivid memories of all of these things. They have become a part of who I am and I hope they will become part of future generations.

    I’ve also learned a few things of my own that I want to pass along.

    I hope I can leave others with a belief in the goodness and the magic of the world outside their door. Because I know that there is beauty everywhere, you just need to open your eyes and take it in.

    And I want to be a reminder that you should keep going when things get hard. If I learned anything through my own hardships and challenges, it’s that I was stronger than I ever thought.

    Going through divorce, financial struggles and bankruptcy, job loss, entrepreneurship, moving to a new state—all challenging—all tested me in ways I never could have imagined. I came out the other side stronger than ever before, and I will again when the next challenge pops up.

    I want to remind people not to think about how you will find the strength; instead, just keep moving and the strength will come.

    Looking at what I have taken in from others and also what I have learned from my own experiences has been a powerful exploration of who I am and what I hope to leave behind.

    And I realized that in order to be that example, in order to pass on these beliefs and values, I have to live them consciously, right now.

    Knowing the legacy I want to leave behind helps me stay focused on what I’m doing in the present so that my goals are in line with that legacy. It offers a concrete sense of purpose in choosing what I am giving my energy to.

    And the whole concept of legacy can be a deeply powerful way of connecting with others. Looking at your roots, ancestral, blood family, cultural, spiritual, or whatever avenue you choose to explore, connects you to those who have gone before you.

    Planning the legacy you are leaving behind connects you to those whose lives you touch, and that they touch, and so on, potentially for generations to come.

    I encourage you to take some time and really look at the things you carry on from past generations. See what you need to leave behind, as well as, what you want to carry forward.

    What’s your legacy?

    Photo by SonicPower451

  • Release the Fear of Not Measuring Up and Share Your Light

    Release the Fear of Not Measuring Up and Share Your Light

    cartwheel

    “You’re imperfect, and you’re wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.” ~Brené Brown

    I believe that it is part of the human condition to want love and connection with others. For some of us this comes much more naturally and abundantly than it does for others.

    The universal thing we all share is that at some point along our life journey, there will come a time when our self-worth is on the table for questioning.

    I can clearly recall the first time my self-confidence was rocked. I was seven years old and full of energy, life, and good old-fashioned cheer.

    I spent endless summer hours skipping rope, riding bikes, playing tag with the neighborhood kids, and had recently discovered the art of performing cartwheels on the back lawn—what a rush!

    At the time we lived in a duplex. My mom was a single mom. My dad passed away when I was only six months old, leaving my older brother Eric and I behind.

    Of course I didn’t realize it at the time, but while my mom was the most amazing mom around, I didn’t have a male role model in my life and must have really felt that loss.

    My mom and I still share a giggle over a story from when I was two years old. I very eagerly staggered out into the street during a holiday parade to profess my love or “wuv” for the policemen and firemen as they passed by.

    It just so happened we had a police officer living next door to us. It was a warm summer evening and he had guests out on his deck enjoying a barbeque. I also just so happened to be outside once again, perfecting my cartwheel.

    I remember gearing up to showcase them my newly honed skill. I composed myself and very deliberately set off down our bumpy, sloped lawn toward their deck.

    I gave them one impeccable cartwheel after the other, without any break in between, until I reached the end of the lawn and the start of the blackberry bush.

    I turned to face them with a victory smile and a silent “ta-da!” but instead of receiving anticipated applause and approval, I was met with roars of laughter and a snicker: “Wow, what a showoff this one is!”

    I was instantly deflated and utterly crushed.

    I clearly remember feeling the heavy pit in my stomach, and the accompanying sting of tears and hurt I fought back as the heat rose from my belly to my cheeks. At seven years old I stood there with my heart wide open, looking for approval only to feel squashed and ashamed.

    Fast-forward another twenty-eight years and it all sounds a bit silly to me now, yet somehow the hurt is still quick for me to recall.

    This was, of course, not the experience that taught me the great life lesson of expressing and honoring my worth as a human being.

    That came much later with far more extensive bruises, bumps, and lessons, but this memory is one that stands out to me because it was the first time I ever thought to myself “Maybe I am not good enough, and maybe I never will be.”

    I don’t believe there is a human out there that doesn’t have this inner child in them that yearns for the reassurance that they are okay. Most of us have had at least one experience somewhere along the line that has left the lingering question of whether or not we are good enough.

    I think we all carry these wounds around with us. Some of us face unthinkable things and suffer from much deeper wounds and fears than others.

    I guess the point is, at any given time we are surrounded by others that have felt insecure and unloved, that worry about being worthy of belonging and can relate to what may be one of our biggest fears.

    I just can’t help but think if we all gave ourselves permission to not be so hard on ourselves, or to each other, the ride could be a little gentler. When we come back to that place in life where our hearts are open, we are less likely to be so critical of others and of ourselves.

    The simple act of sharing a heartfelt smile with a stranger on the street, or praising a young child for being completely amazing by just being who they are, is empowering and contagious.

    When we loosen our grip on our fear of looking foolish or not measuring up, and instead share our light and love with others, the magic of life seems to naturally unfold.

    The best part is, we help give others the courage to do the same, to find their way back to remembering how totally awesome and worthy they are right now as they are.

    I should add that while I never did become a gifted gymnast, I will on occasion bust out my best cartwheel moves on the back lawn with my kids, or on the beach just because. Now I always follow it up with a “ta-da” and a pat on the back I deserve for purely being human.

    Photo by Louise Palanker

  • Overcoming Tragedy: 3 Ways to Create Your Own Silver Lining

    Overcoming Tragedy: 3 Ways to Create Your Own Silver Lining

    Silver Lining

    “In the midst of winter I discovered that there was in me an invincible summer.” ~Albert Camus

    These words may ring true for anyone who has been through difficult times, then found themselves stronger as a person, or doing things they would have never thought possible.

    In May 2011 my brother was kidnapped from his home while working in Nigeria. After a truly horrific ten months he was murdered during a rescue attempt. It was an experience that has left scars we expect never to fully heal.

    What happened next genuinely surprised and moved me. I saw the ordinary people around me transform their grief into something new, something they can always look back on and remember that they survived this tragedy.

    I am really excited to share just three of the inspirational stories I have seen with you. Hopefully, they can help to bring positivity into your life, as well.

    Get Active

    Whether it is a 5K run around a local park or a fortnight-long bike ride across the Pyrenees, completing a challenge in memory of a loved one is probably the most popular way to start healing and make some sense of tragedy.

    Many people undertake a challenge to support a charity. Millions of heroes each year will complete a race for life or other sponsored event to raise money for a cause that is dear to their heart.

    However, not all physical challenges need to be about money. I am certainly no psychologist, but I would bet that there is something healing in the way people stretch themselves when they undertake something extraordinary in memory of a loved one.

    Alastair’s Story

    Alastair lived with us for a couple of years while we were younger. After finding out about Chris and being unable to attend the Charity Football match we arranged, he decided to challenge himself to an unearthly task.

    He set himself the challenge of running from his home in Penrith to Boundary Park Stadium in Oldham to arrive during a game. This is a whopping distance of 107 miles, up and down hills all of the way.

    Memories of Chris as a child spending hours talking about Oldham Athletic FC or kicking around a football in the back garden kept him going, and though he had to walk some of the way, he completed his monumental challenge.

    Thirty-six hours after he left his home he arrived at Boundary Park, barely able to stand, feet bloody, legs aching, exhausted, triumphant.

    Say Yes

    Sometimes a death or tragedy can give someone the push to ask some questions about your life. It seems like a cliché but it really is a good time to take stock, look at areas where you are not happy, and make positive changes in your life.

    Throughout the last couple of years I have seen people getting a new job, learning a new language, changing a relationship, giving up smoking, or losing weight after suffering a loss, because often a loss helps us remember how precious life is.

    Alannah and Marc’s Story

    Chris was a born traveller. He started young, taking down tents in France, followed by a year in New Zealand and his ill-fated time in Nigeria. He made us all jealous in his ability to get up and leave everything behind to conquer new places, never letting anything get in his way.

    Alannah and Marc were two of Chris’ closest friends. Both were hugely affected by his loss. While Alannah is well travelled throughout the world, Mark has not really experienced other cultures but always planned to at some point.

    After Chris’ death they decided that they could not put things off any longer and needed to take action if they were going to see other countries. They have worked tirelessly and are now only a couple of weeks away from packing in their jobs and setting off with a one-way ticket to see the world.

    Unleash Your Creativity

    Sometimes tragedy can unlock creativity. So many stories and pieces of art or music are rooted in sorrow that the list of examples would be vast.

    The ability to express yourself, to channel your despair, is a gift borne out of love.

    Justine’s Story

    Justine is our younger sister and, like all of us, she was crushed when we found out that Chris would not be coming home. In his place we got his suitcases filled with the clothes he would not be wearing again.

    We each took from these clothes what we wanted to, either to wear or just to keep a bit of him close.

    Justine took the rest of the clothes away with her and started working to turn them into blankets for our mum, herself, and Chris’ girlfriend—pillows for me and our mum as birthday presents and twenty heart shaped pillows for Chris’ cousins.

    It is an act of such beauty to spend countless hours creating these magnificent gifts, which we will all treasure. I don’t even want to imagine how many tears were shed cutting up shirts or ties, but the end result is as close to a hug from Chris as we are ever going to get.

    My Story

    I will end today with my story, not because it is in any way remarkable but because it is mine.

    After losing Chris I wanted to tell his story.  I wanted everyone to know about the person he was, not just a picture in the paper. The words on a gravestone were not enough; I wanted his story to be told properly.

    I looked at the online memorials available but they were not right for me, not good enough for Chris. I didn’t want a portion of the Internet stagnating as time goes by. I wanted a physical presence that would be around to tell the story of his life and his death to future generations.

    Not finding what I wanted, I set up my own website, which was a whole new world for me. Over a period of a few months, working evenings and weekends, I managed to set up a website that allowed me to tell the story I wanted to tell.

    Importantly for me, it also has the physical presence I wanted by linking to a QR code, which is printed on a plaque and placed on a bench in his favorite park.

    Now people in the park can scan the code with a phone and find out about the man Chris was. The reason for setting up the website has been fulfilled. I have learned how to design websites and have been able to offer comfort to other families who have lost loved ones by telling their stories.

    If you can find a way to help others, change your life in a positive way, or create something that will leave lasting memories, then you can find a silver lining to your tragedy. It will not bring your loved one back, but if you can do something that would make them proud then you can start to heal as well.

    Photo by Llima Orosa