Tiny Buddha

Category: love & relationships

  • One Simple Thing Anyone Can Do to Have a Better Day

    One Simple Thing Anyone Can Do to Have a Better Day

    excited-woman

    “You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” ~Maya Angelou

    Today as I walked down a trendy suburban street heading to an appointment, my phone rang. I was not having the best of days.

    I was walking past chic cafes and designer shops displaying tempting wares. However, having been laid off for the second time in two years, with a mortgage to pay and months without an income, these trivial symbols of indulgence were almost too much to bear.

    Over the past two years, I have felt down, sad, depressed, lonely, and inadequate on more occasions than I have felt joyous, happy, thrilled, loved, or valued.

    I have had more bad days than good, but I was on a path upward. I was reading self-help books and taking up the advice that helped me. I was writing and painting, two pursuits that I had all but abandoned in the quest for corporate stardom.

    Slowly, I was building myself back up again but small issues still had the power to knock me out.

    I was still gut wrenchingly lonely, but I had a couple of trips booked, and I was going to move back into the family fold overseas.

    I was going to return amongst the people who mattered the most and to whom I mattered. I was taking steps toward my own wellness. I had realized that only I can transform my life. I believed that I had the power and strength to rise beyond my challenges and be a better person for having experienced them.

    But back to the phone call. As I answered the call, I realized that it was a promotional call from a reputed global charitable organization that I had supported over the last few years while I was employed.

    I expected it to be a request for donations. It irritated me that this man would call me and ask for money when I was, myself, counting every cent to make ends meet in one of the most expensive cities in the world.

    On a deeper level, my feelings of inadequacy were reinforced because I would have to deny his request. My mood began to darken.

    As the young man with his attractive Irish accent chatted on about an initiative to supply drinking water to millions around the world, I was tempted to hang up the phone and cut the line. I was nearly at my appointment and I would not be able to chat for long anyway. How did it matter if I hung up? I was about to pull the phone away from my ear and hit the red button.

    But then something made me pause.

    I reminded myself that the world does not revolve around me. My caller doesn’t know my circumstances. He is simply doing his job. If I am rude to him, I am spreading ill will and negativity. He did not deserve that. This was my chance, albeit a small one, to make a better decision.

    So I stayed on the line and listened to what he was saying. At the first opportunity, I let him know that I only had a few minutes free and I would have to end the call soon. He may have thought I was just making excuses, but he gamely continued on at a faster pace that was somehow very endearing. It made me smile.

    As I approached my destination, I apologized and excused myself from the conversation. My caller thanked me for my time and promised to call back some other time when I was not occupied.

    This small incident barely took up five minutes but it was a significant director of my day. I was happier for being respectful and polite to a stranger for a couple of minutes. I would like to think that I did not hurt someone else’s feelings, even if he was a stranger.

    Had I chosen to end the call abruptly, I would have carried that negativity for the rest of the day. Instead, an eager Irish chap brightened up my day a little with his enthusiasm.

    I have realized recently that every small thought, every decision, every step we take has a huge impact on us, and the world around us.

    The old me, with my sense of superiority and entitlement, would have hung up the phone without a second thought. The old me would have considered my time too worthwhile to waste on such a phone call, good cause though it may be.

    I have also realized that every interaction is the opportunity to do good and receive good, whether it is a phone call, a shopping trip, or even considering your fellow travelers when playing music on the train.

    Today I also recognized that I have, almost without realizing it, become a slightly better person. I feel like I am more mindful of the world around me, more humble about my place in it. That makes me feel happy and fulfilled.

    And all it took was one phone call.

    So make the effort to make your every interaction a positive one. To face the world with a smile and a kind word. If you throw kindness out in the world, it will bounce right back, only multiplied several times over.

    Photo by Jonas Foyn Therkelsen

  • 5 Ways to Find Your People (The Ones Who Really Get You)

    5 Ways to Find Your People (The Ones Who Really Get You)

    Friends

    “Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.” ~Unknown

    For probably over thirty years—since I was old enough to know I needed them—I’ve been looking for my people.

    You know the ones—the people who get you, somehow; who are on the same wavelength. Some might even say the people who share the same brand of quirky, crazy, or oddness that you do. The ones who understand why you do what you do, or if they don’t understand, they either ask or they just accept, and either way is fine.

    It’s not that there was anything wrong with my family or my school or the few friends I had, or my neighborhood—not at all. We all had our ups and downs, but we moved on and through it and had good times and bad. But I just felt a deep sense that the people around me were aliens. Or I was.

    At one point during childhood I even made up a story in my head about how I had been placed with my family as an experiment to see how someone would grow up with people who barely even shared the same language. I’m sure a lot of kids had similar thoughts.

    As I grew up, I continued feeling this odd sense of never being at home, safe, or comfortable.

    Sure, I had friends and close family, and ended up successful in my career, but there was a kind of connection I was missing. Something where my particular gifts were treasured, and my particular sort of oddness was accepted and cherished; and where I felt safe enough to cherish and embrace the odd gifts of those around me.

    I looked for safety and comfort in lots of ways: in relationships, in books, in short-lived hobbies, in TV, in long nature hikes, in workshops on “finding your purpose” or “finding the love of your life,” in meditation, in yoga, in spontaneous road trips. And there’s nothing inherently wrong with any of those, but it was when I got out of my comfort zone that I finally found what I had been looking for.

    It happened when I followed my heart into the places that interested me.

    At first, I joined a group of people that I wanted very much to like me. I tried to be likeable, to support them and to do the work that was required to make our projects successful, to help out when I could, and I attended every party and event. But something wasn’t right.

    Though we shared a lot of interests, I felt like they never truly accepted me for who I was. There was a sense that they wanted me there to work and to even admire them, but few people seemed to be curious about me or to allow me in to become closer to them when I tried to become friends.

    There was an odd sense of people always keeping me at arms’ length. For several years, I decided that there was something wrong with me, which was why they didn’t seem to truly accept me.

    But one day, after camping with this group and feeling, again, that sense of not-belonging, I decided that it was neither me nor them. We simply weren’t a good match.

    I kept looking, following my heart into another group within the same larger community. This time, they seemed to genuinely accept me, to like me, to respond to me, to open up to me, and to both value me and appreciate that I valued them. And I did value them—I do. They’re a bunch of amazing creative, smart, motivated, fun, and genuine people. And it was like night and day.

    It’s not that everything’s perfect and that there are no conflicts or awkwardness, that everyone always gets along or that there aren’t moments of ambivalence where dynamics seem to shift.

    But the people I’ve found more recently, after allowing the ones that didn’t seem to click to move out of my life, seem like they’re going to stick around. And I feel like making the effort to make sure that my friendship and support will keep these people in my life for a long time.

    Here are some steps to finding those people who will love, support, challenge, and accept you:

    1. Do what you like to do.

    It doesn’t matter if you do it for work or do it for play, but do what you like to do. Sports, hobbies, hiking alone, travel, reading, collecting cigars, whatever it is, do it. You don’t even have to be super passionate about it, but if you enjoy it, do it.

    For years I thought nothing was worth doing if I wasn’t Passionate-with-a-capital-P about it. But just enjoyment is enough. And spend the amount of time doing that thing that feel right to you.

    2. Learn how to talk to strangers.

    Every stranger is a potential friend, as they say. I’ve always been really shy, but when I focused on doing the things I enjoy, I started to get less shy, at least about those things.

    It’s okay if you’re shy or feel like nobody understands you; just practice when you can. Learn that sometimes people don’t respond, and that’s okay. And sometimes you say something weird, and that’s okay. It really is.

    3. Find other people who do what you like to do.

    These days, with online social media and the Internet, you can pretty much find people who like to do anything you like to do. From knitting hats for cats to collecting particular kinds of rock, from listening to any kind of music to reading the collected works of obscure Romanian poets. If you like it, someone else likes it, I can almost guarantee it.

    Find them, and introduce yourself. There is no rule that says “your people” have to live in the same town as you.

    4. Participate, even if It’s scary.

    Just because some people like what you like doesn’t mean they’re “your people.” You may have to keep exploring your interests for awhile, and keep exploring groups who share those interests. But when you find people who seem like they can handle you, step in and help out.

    If it’s a group that meets in real life, volunteer your home for a meeting or offer to help out at an event; if it’s one person, invite him or her out to partake in the interest you share. You may feel awkward, but that’s okay. Awkward just means you’re stretching yourself.

    5. Be honest and present.

    Once you’ve met people that you feel you want to connect to, practice being brave enough to be open about that with them.

    One of the first groups I thought were “my people” actually kind of intimidated me, and I never got up the nerve to be honest with people in the group about that. I ended up finding a related group that didn’t intimidate me as much, but I still wonder, if I had been willing to share my vulnerability with that earlier group, if I could have been able to connect with them more deeply.

    Take up space with the people you think might be “your” people. Practice being open, saying what you feel, and being present with them. See how they react. The ones who stay with you in those moments of vulnerability, not judging you or criticizing you, are truly your people.

    Photo by Vinoth Chandar

  • 8 Solutions for Loneliness That Don’t Require a Romantic Relationship

    8 Solutions for Loneliness That Don’t Require a Romantic Relationship

    Lonely woman

    “People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.” ~Joseph F. Newton

    The epiphany has finally occurred. Why on earth has it taken so long? I ask myself this as I look back on the last nine years, which I have spent trying to cover up my real issue. Loneliness.

    After getting married at twenty and then leaving nineteen years later, it took another two years before I met another man that I fell in love with almost instantly. He told me from the very beginning it would never be a relationship, and yet I have persevered with our friendship in various formats for the last seven years.

    During that time, I have also tried, albeit unsuccessfully, to find someone else to be a part of my personal life. I met someone else just five months ago, and after a very difficult dating period of three and half months, I ended it. We had completely different primary values. So essentially, I have been single for nine years now.

    To my surprise, the last man taught me that the last nine years have not been a waste. Being single does not mean that I am not of value to society (which is what I had been thinking).

    Now that I am on my own again, I realize that this whole process of finding a partner has not been about finding a relationship at all. I have been desperately trying to overcome loneliness—and possibly for a long as twenty years!

    Let’s look at what has been happening and see if you can identify with any of these:

    Workaholic

    Rather than face the real issue of loneliness, I have dedicated myself to my work and various business enterprises.

    The people out there in the real world can see and have benefited from my productive endeavor. Alas, I have not managed to keep a reasonable amount of rewards for myself or spend as much time as I would like with my children.

    Constantly helping

    Yes, I find it easier to say yes rather than no. Oh Sue, you are so great at … could you please…? And the answer is nearly always yes. It’s only no when I have something else on that I am doing for someone else.

    Neglect

    I don’t cut my hair every six weeks, I only get my nails done if required, and I consider the effort it takes to get dressed up a waste of productive time rather than something fun and special to do. It recently took me four hours to get dressed and ready for a Christmas function, and I felt exhausted by the end of it. Isn’t it supposed to be fun to get dressed up? Why do social occasions feel like work too?

    Social isolation

    I moved from my hometown twenty years ago. Since then, I have raised two children, who are now nineteen and sixteen, without a family support network. I have tried countless times to connect with various people, but somehow they perceive me as too busy and so we hardly ever catch up.

    I have had brief moments of companionship and then lengthy periods of getting on with life on my own.

    Victimhood

    This is the real ugly face of it. I have been very good at disguising it in various forms to attract a bit of sympathy, but if I really want to fess up, then I should admit that I have fallen into the trap of reminiscing and saying “poor me.”

    That stops me from doing what I could be doing, and it gives me an excuse to say why my situation is like this and state that a relationship is the only panacea, when it isn’t.

    I have lost count of the number of books I have read, personal development courses I have attended, and healers I have sought assistance from. I have tried counseling, psychology, hypnotherapy, pastoral care, energy healing, kinesiology, massage, talking to anyone who will listen, writing, walking my neighbor’s dogs, going to all sorts of events, and more.

    I now realize that the root cause of all of this searching for answers or a cure for me is loneliness.

    However, I am wise enough to know that some strategies for overcoming loneliness are more successful than others.

    I also know that loneliness can occur either inside or outside of a relationship, as I have felt it in both situations.

    The irony is that I regularly advise people on how to connect in a new location and have even carried out my own advice, but the safety barrier I have put around myself to protect me from the pain of loneliness has stopped the friendship from coming through.

    I have been friendly but not vulnerable enough to let people see the real me. No wonder they have let me fend for myself!

    If you have also created a personal protection barrier or are feeling lonely, I can recommend these tips to overcome it:

    1. Connect through your sports, hobbies, passions or interests.

    Meet like-minded people who share something that you also love. They will make time for you; other people already have full calendars.

    2. Borrow or adopt a dog and go walking.

    People talk to people with dogs.

    3. Talk to senior citizens.

    They have plenty of wisdom, time, and advice that they can share. By listening, you are also validating them as well as yourself.

    4. Expect it to be challenging.

    It may be difficult for you, but don’t give up. Keep going but start with the easiest options first.

    5. Find out why you feel lonely.

    Perhaps there is some bitterness, resentment, or guilt that you are carrying around. It is time to forgive yourself and others so that you have the best chance possible to connect with yourself and others.

    6. Celebrate.

    Develop new routines and rituals to celebrate special occasions and reward your new healthy behaviors.

    7. Be brave.

    It takes courage and persistence to overcome your bad habits—but it all starts with you, not someone else. Ask for help, seek some guidance, but take full responsibility for your happiness.

    8. Dream big.

    Visualize what you want in the future and watch it materialize. Keep your vision sharp and clear.

    Can you see how none of these suggest finding a partner or fixing the one you have? Isn’t that liberating? By connecting through various people, activities, or regular commitments, you are no longer dependent on a partner to complete you or help you overcome your feelings of loneliness.

    And you may just find that when you are no longer lonely, you will be happy—with or without a partner.

    Photo by Hartwig HKD

  • Stop Over-Depending on Others and Seeking Their Approval: How to Set Yourself Free

    Stop Over-Depending on Others and Seeking Their Approval: How to Set Yourself Free

    woman girl stylized like marionette puppet on string

    “Some people think it’s holding tight that makes one strong, but sometimes, it’s letting go.” ~Unknown

    I got a week off of work recently to spend with myself, which is always a wonderfully centering experience for me. I’m an introvert, so I love my alone time. But as I took the time to introspect about some relationships in my life, my Zen-like vacation mindset disappeared.

    It had happened again, and my mood alternated between mad and depressed all weekend. You see, sometimes I turn into a puppet.

    You probably know the feeling, even if you’re not sure what I’m talking about yet.

    There’s a sense of being a little out of control of your life, powerful emotions pulling you in different directions, a nagging sense of worry that never lets up, and losing your grip on that sense of who you are and what’s important to you. That’s my least favorite part—the loss of identity.

    “A lie keeps growing and growing until it’s as plain as the nose on your face.” ~The Blue Fairy, Pinocchio

    For me, these feelings come from becoming overly emotionally dependent on others, usually particular relationships in my life. For many others, and maybe for you, it might not be so specific. The dependency might be spread out over your peers, friends, coworkers, or parents.

    What is Over-Dependency?

    Let’s start out with this: dependency is not a weakness. It’s actually healthy, as long as you can keep it balanced with independence.

    We all need to be taken care of, validated, encouraged, and given support. When we can receive these things from others and use them to nurture our spirits, this is healthy dependency. When we draw strength from these experiences, it allows us to more easily be independent at other times—relying on and caring for ourselves, and being the one to support others.

    This is called interdependence, and it’s a beautiful ebb and flow in relationships of both giving and being able to receive. As social as we human beings are, this is pretty necessary for our survival. The instincts for it run deep in our nature.

    Over-dependency is when you find yourself struggling to return to emotional independence when needed. For me, this involves a lot of worry and obsessing over what someone else thinks of me.

    It feels like an intense need for someone’s approval, otherwise I’m not okay or enough. Sometimes it comes out as continuous attempts to prove myself, or be perfect, or seek compliments. Other times, I give up too early or avoid people who I feel may never approve of me.

    You might see it in others—you know, those genuinely great people in your life who never admit to being good enough.

    When we try so hard to constantly please someone else, we start to become unreal. Over-dependency gives us feelings of emptiness, inadequacy, loss, confusion, and insignificance. We feel unreal not because we don’t matter to others, but because we are making ourselves fake.

    Where Does It Come From?

    This varies for different people. Maybe it was the way you were parented, or being bullied in school. How about becoming a teenager and suddenly feeling the cultural pressure to be a model/genius/super-star? Maybe it was being treated badly in a romantic relationship.

    Mine comes from an abusive relationship I experienced several years ago. My abuser was highly psychologically manipulative, cornering me into compliance with threats, insults, intimidation, blaming, guilt tripping, shaming, and praise.

    He praised me highly when I did what he wanted and attacked my self-worth when I did not. I learned to feel fear and anxiety any time he wasn’t happy because I knew it meant I was at risk for being told that I was unlovable and inadequate.

    It was highly victimizing to know that my worth in his eyes was conditional and dependent on how I made him feel, rather than being recognized as a valuable human being with my own needs and emotions.

    Becoming a puppet was a way to try and protect my little scrap of self-esteem.

    But when I left and cut ties with him, I didn’t realize my puppet strings were still trailing behind me. My victim mentality followed me into other areas of life, and it has taken great courage and a lot of practice to learn how to take it off and let my self-worth stand on its own again.    

    Whatever your own experience, over-dependence usually happens when we try to rely on someone in a healthy way and get hurt instead of being supported. Our instincts kick in, and we try new strategies, looking for ways to get the love we need and avoid the hurt.

    But the more we try, the more we tend to lose sight of ourselves. Slowly, we start trading our unique face for a closet of masks and a set of puppet strings. It’s a cheap trade in the end because we only get temporary approval where we needed unconditional acceptance and love.

    Ways to Ease Back into Interdependence

    Pinocchio: “Don’t hurt him, Jiminy. He’s my best friend.”

    Jiminy Cricket: [outraged] “Your best friend? And what am I? Just your conscience? Okay! That settles it!”

    1. Let your conscience be your guide.

    Listen to the small voice inside you. It’s our warning for when things are becoming unhealthy. Be aware of yourself and how you start to act and feel when you’re wrapped up in pleasing others. Think honestly about how you’ve been caring for yourself lately.

    2. Get some distance.

    Try spending some time with yourself to see if it clears your head. It’s also a good way to mentally check your relationships. The healthy people in your life will give you space when you need it, then be glad to see you return.

    If you don’t do this often they might express concern, but in a way that isn’t blaming, guilt tripping, or desperate. This helps you realize you are a real boy, after all. Maybe you don’t need those puppet strings.

    3. Give yourself love.

    Others aren’t the only ones who can fulfill your need for love. In fact, if you don’t love yourself, you might have a hard time accepting or feeling like you deserve their love.

    Take some time to really accept yourself. When you do this, there’s no need to tell fibs and watch your nose grow just to be loved. Yes, you are flawed; this makes you no less lovable. You deserve time, attention, care, acceptance, appreciation, honesty, and gentleness. Take a weekend to give yourself these things.

    4. Give others love.

    Strangely, over-dependency becomes highly self-focused. I’ve found the easiest and warmest way to slip back into the ebb and flow of interdependence is to give in small ways to other people around me, without expecting anything back.

    This is different from being a puppet, where I’m dancing around just for the sake of earning some cheap affection.

    Gently release those puppet strings and make your own decisions about how you want to interact with people. When I’m focused on giving, it’s also easier to recognize when others are trying to give to me. Then you can accept it back with gratitude.

  • Addicted to Approval: Reclaim Your Self-Esteem

    Addicted to Approval: Reclaim Your Self-Esteem

    Happy Woman

    “To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    The past few years have been full of hard but necessary lessons that I needed to learn about my relationships with others—their limits, boundaries, what healthy relationships are and are not.

    I realized that the foundation for some of my relationships (the unhealthy ones) was my need for attention and approval. This, of course, was futile, because we can only truly feel good about ourselves despite outside opinions.

    Because I felt inadequate and overly self-critical due to a past full of put-downs and personal failures (real or perceived), I needed “proof” that I mattered and was worthy in the eyes of people who represented the very individuals from my past who had shamed me, abused me, ignored me, and devalued me.

    Growing up, I was always the outlier, and in a lot of ways I still am—the girl with the wild imagination and unpopular hobbies (art over sports, unique tastes over trends, time alone in introspection over socializing).

    I was also the middle child who didn’t quite measure up to the overachieving big sister and gifted little brother—often ignored, humored, my “little” achievements dismissed.

    While I was not mistreated or neglected in any major, obvious way, the lack of attention and validation culminated over time to make me feel like a general disappointment as a human being.

    Even after many major accomplishments, I felt inadequate. I earned a master’s degree, married a wonderful man, quickly built an impressive career, made amazing friends, moved to my dream town and into a gorgeous home, but I still sought validation from others that I was worthy and wanted (and still occasionally do).

    I recently realized that I was holding onto some people not because they were friends I needed (they were actually quite toxic and manipulative), but because they seemed to want or need me. They occasionally fed me a crumb of self-esteem—complimenting me, asking to spend time with me, and telling me how much they liked me.

    These friendships were superficial and damaging to me because of all the times they made me feel just the opposite, because they were too busy or self-absorbed and I interpreted that as a negative reflection on me.

    They reminded me of the people I’d failed to win over in my past. People I was still intent to gain approval from but never will. And I needed to let that expectation go.

    I have ended or distanced myself from these relationships and I often feel heavy with sadness about no longer being close to them. But I know that the grief I feel has more to do with the loss of attention (“approval”) I got from them, not necessarily them.

    It was selfish that I had held onto them for an (artificial) ego boost and out of a sense of duty, because a relationship had been established; that was unfair to them and unhealthy for me. I needed to be selfish in another way: focus inward and provide myself with that ego-boosting energy.

    In approval-addiction friendships, both people seek validation and attention from each other instead of truly being there for one another, unselfishly. That’s a no-win situation.

    I am now on a journey toward self-love and acceptance from within. I have developed four “mantras” I repeat to myself when I find myself drifting back into old relationship patterns, clinging to other people and things to gain feelings of self-worth.

    Self-Love Mantras

    1. No one else can prove your self-worth.

    True friends can help boost it, but only temporarily. Authentic, lasting personal validation exists when you value and approve of you.

    2. You are who you are, and that’s good enough.

    You will have moments, even phases when you’ll doubt this, and that’s okay. Just remember: bad things are going to happen. Some people aren’t going to like you. But these are not a negative reflection of the awesome person you are.

    3. Your friendship, time, and thoughtfulness are precious.

    Invest these wisely and with integrity. You deserve it, as do your loved ones.

    4. Be proud of yourself and all you do.

    Depending on others to confirm that you’re worthwhile is a recipe for disappointment. No one will approve of everything you do. You don’t either, right? You have more than enough to be proud of and that pride should come from within and be unshakeable at its core.

    Photo by kris krüg

  • Transform Your Relationship by Assuming the Best Intentions

    Transform Your Relationship by Assuming the Best Intentions

    Couple in love

    “Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response.” ~Mildred Barthel

    I used to think he was out to get me. The man of my dreams was continually plotting to undermine my happiness in countless ways, all for some mysterious reason I couldn’t comprehend.

    “Can you give me a ride to work today?” He missed his shuttle on the morning I had my first speech, a forty-five-minute drive in the opposite direction. He obviously didn’t want me to succeed in my career.

    “Are you wearing that tonight?” Oh great, just before we go out to meet friends for dinner he wanted to throw off my confidence in how I looked. Did he think I was getting fat?

    “Can you come help me with this?” Couldn’t he see that I was in the middle of a relaxing Saturday morning, my first bit of sanity after a very stressful week? He must not care if I got any down time, though you could bet he’d be sitting on the couch watching golf all afternoon.

    A lot of my time was spent stewing, working over these scenarios and replaying them in my mind. Overthinking was my specialty, my calling card in life. I prided myself on seeing things other people missed, reading between the lines to get to the “real” meaning.

    These little bits of drama took a lot of mental effort for me to concoct, but after a while I became really good at them. I could summon up a motive from his every glance or change of tone, sometimes simply from thin air.

    Nevermind that I still considered him my dream man, just one with the not-so-adorable quirk of trying to undermine happiness.

    What did that say about me?

    Like most of my uncomfortable feelings, I pushed these thoughts down, working to keep things cool on the surface while I boiled underneath.

    Life kept moving forward, and then one day my brother had a heart attack. A year later, a friend had a brain aneurysm. Both survived, but it changed our mindset about time and dreams.

    We decided to sell everything we owned and travel the world, taking our retirement dreams and living them at midlife instead, when we had the health and energy to enjoy them. It was a beautiful time, planning our grand adventure and then stepping into it together.

    But still, I had these nagging thoughts about him and his continued efforts to rob me of my happiness, even as we were living out our biggest dream. Looking back, it was pure insanity.

    “I read about this site in Northern Peru that’s supposed to be really cool. Want to go there next instead of Machu Picchu?” He knew I was dying to go to Machu Picchu. Why would he try to take that away from me? He didn’t want me to be happy.

    “Why don’t you write in the early mornings so we still have the days to explore Edinburgh together?” He knew I wasn’t a morning person, so why would he ask such a thing? Because he was a morning person, that’s why. He thought I was lazy.

    “I’ve been editing the podcasts and you say “this and that” a lot. It detracts from the message. Can you tamp it down?” Hey, I just got a compliment from a guest on my radio voice. Why was he nitpicking like that? He couldn’t stand it that someone said something nice to me.

    None of my thoughts were said out loud, but they did needle at my happiness in small bursts multiple times a day. We were rarely apart in this traveling lifestyle, especially when we started publishing books and podcasts together, and I found an ulterior motive in almost everything he said. Over time, my brain almost melted at the continuous effort required to read into his every word. It was a full-time job.

    Then a very big fight happened, one of those life-changing arguments, and I let the cat out of the bag. He was stunned.

    “Of course I’m not out to get you. I love you.”

    At the end of all the harsh words and tears this was a revelation, an insight into this years-long issue in our relationship.

    It wasn’t him; it was me.

    All those years of reading between the lines, a skill I’d honed since childhood, kept me from seeing reality. I was ignoring the black and white meaning of what he said in favor of some imagined murky gray story with no basis in fact.

    My writer’s mind was altering my own life story, as it happened, without the consent or knowledge of the other main character. I was changing a light-hearted romance into a mystery and painting my husband as the bad guy.

    In the aftermath of the very big fight, we agreed to always assume the best intentions of the other person, no matter what words were chosen in the delivery. Instead of picking apart how it was said, we would focus on where it came from, which was always from the heart.

    Questions were encouraged. Clarification was required. No guessing games allowed.

    It was surprising how fast this one change impacted my outlook. I stopped spinning crazy stories in my head and focused on the moment, what this man who loved me was trying to convey. When I didn’t understand, or the understanding I had was negative, I asked for clarification.

    He always freely gave it.

    He wanted to see everything in the world with me. He wanted me to have time to write, but also to play together. He wanted the work we produced to be as professional as possible, and he knew we both had quirks to overcome.

    The meaning was there in plain sight, in the honesty of his words. He wanted the best for us in everything, as anyone in love would.

    He wasn’t out to get me. He was out to love me, to share a life with me, and all I had to do was take him at his word.

    The day we vowed to always assume the best intentions in each other was as powerful as the day we vowed to be together forever. And it makes honoring that marriage vow a lot more enjoyable.

    How to Train Yourself to Assume the Best Intentions

    1. Every single day, compliment or thank your partner for something they’ve done.

    Make gratitude for what they do right an everyday thing and the occasional slipups will not seem as big. It also reinforces positive behaviors, making them more likely to continue.

    2. When your partner says or does something that rankles you, first stop and ask yourself if a stranger in the room with you right at that moment would have the same reaction.

    If you’re overthinking, you will have added layers of meaning that aren’t there. But if you look at it from the outside, it’s a more realistic version of events. It will help center you.

    3. If all else fails, ask for clarification.

    “I may have taken this the wrong way. Did you mean X?” This gives your partner the chance to clear it up right away, before you’ve had a chance to concoct a story in your head.

    It will take some time to train yourself from overthinking and reading between the lines, but it can be done. And you (and your partner) will be happier because of it.

    —

    Editor’s Note: Betsy has generously offered to give away two copies of her new book Married with Luggage: What We Learned about Love by Traveling the World. To enter to win a copy, leave a comment below. You can enter until midnight PST on Monday, Monday, April 28th.

    Update: The winners have been chosen: ccrgirl and Joy Olson.

    Photo by Peti Morgan

  • How to Use Comparisons for Growth Instead of Feeling Inferior

    How to Use Comparisons for Growth Instead of Feeling Inferior

    Two Dancing Girls

    “The heart is like a garden: it can grow compassion or fear, resentment or love. What seeds will you plant there?” ~Jack Kornfield

    Comparison is something we all struggle with at one point or another. Although it’s something that conventional self-help wisdom urges us to avoid, it’s also a way of gauging where we fit in the world.

    Usually, when we engage in comparison, we do so from an ego-based perspective and find ourselves (or others) lacking. This approach doesn’t benefit anyone involved, but, until recently, this was my predominant experience of comparison.

    I also had the belief that healthy people don’t compare themselves to other people, so I would judge myself harshly when I noticed I was doing so.

    So I struggled, first to stop comparing myself to other people, then, as I shifted my focus to self-acceptance and self-kindness, to accept the fact that this is something I do and that judging myself for this doesn’t help.

    Are you focusing on the facts, or the meanings you attach to the facts?

    Through my experiences, I’ve realized that it’s not so much the comparison itself that is unhelpful, but how I approach it. The act of comparison isn’t the problem; it’s the meaning we attach to what we find.

    When I notice that I’m comparing myself to other people, I have a choice: do I use this comparison as a tool for positive change, or a tool for self-destruction?

    Comparison as a Tool for Growth and Inspiration

    This question came up recently when I was talking with a couple of friends about how things were going in our respective businesses. One of them shared that she had just had her best month yet and earned more than ever before. In that moment, I was simultaneously happy for her and deeply envious.

    I had been working really hard and, although I felt good about how things were going, I compared how much I was earning to how much she was earning and found myself falling seriously short.

    On an intellectual level, I rationalized that money wasn’t everything, but on an emotional level I entered a comparison-based downward spiral. I started questioning what I was doing wrong, feeling self-doubt, and digging myself into a pit that left me with a general sense that I wasn’t “enough.”

    I recognized that this wasn’t serving me and spoke to my coach about the experience. When I explained that I couldn’t even imagine making that much and that I was wondering how she had done that herself, he asked, “Did you ask her?”

    As soon as he asked the question, it seemed like such an obvious thing to do. But I hadn’t—because I had felt ashamed. In that moment, my ego-based comparison had robbed me of the opportunity to learn, to be inspired, and to grow.

    And that, I’ve realized, is the choice we face. When we compare ourselves to others, it’s usually because they have something, are doing something, or being something that we want to have, do, or be.

    When we notice that, and notice that uncomfortable feeling of envy arising, we have a decision to make: We can beat ourselves up over the gap between where we are and where they are, or we can ask ourselves: “What is this comparison telling me about what I’m wanting/needing right now?” and “What can I learn from this person to get myself closer to where I want to be?”

    One of these options is based on ego gratification and external validation; the other is based on self-compassion and a desire to live the best life we can.

    Making this choice isn’t necessarily easy to do in the moment, but it is possible.

    Viewing comparison as an opportunity is an act of self-kindness. It lifts the burden of “not enough” and provides a chance for growth and connection—especially if the person you’re comparing yourself to is someone you can reach out to and ask, “Hey, I’d love to be able to do that; do you have any advice to share?”

    Perhaps one day I will realize that I no longer compare myself to other people. In the meantime, however, I’m learning to accept that this is something I do and finding ways to use is as a force for positive change.

    How do you deal with comparison in your life?

    Photo by Christian Haugen

  • The Most Important Thing to Do Before a Difficult Conversation

    The Most Important Thing to Do Before a Difficult Conversation

    Conversation

    “You are your choices.” ~Seneca

    After four years of radio silence, a former flame appeared in my inbox.

    We set up a time to talk later that week. And when the day came, right on time, he called.

    We talked. I had many questions. He explained the best he could. The conversation eased into Taoism and Twitter. Totally comfortable.

    But for the twenty-four hours beforehand, I was bracing myself.

    I was expecting long, awkward silences, angry words, and maybe even a premature hanging up of the phone. In case it’s not clear, things hadn’t ended so well with us.

    And if I had lunged into the conversation with all that tightness and fear, I probably wouldn’t be writing these words right now.

    Because all my tightness and fear would more than likely have generated tightness and fear in him, and there would be nothing enlightening or inspiring to share out of that.

    But thankfully, that’s not how this story pans out.

    Here is what actually happened:

    I set aside an hour before the call. I didn’t have a plan for what I’d do in that hour. I just knew that it was going to be a time of relaxation and rest.

    I sang sweet pop songs while making my bed. I took a long, hot shower. I put on my favorite dress and snuggled with my puppy.

    And then I sat cross-legged on my bed and, as Marianne Williamson puts it, I invited the Holy-Holy to “enter where You already abide.”

    I meditated on words like “forgiveness” and “compassion.” And I also made room for words like “boundaries” and “clarity.”

    The phone rang, and like I mentioned, the conversation went smoothly.

    I’ve faced a string of difficult conversations lately and the consistent theme I’m noticing is this:

    When I traipse up the stairs in last night’s pajamas with a smudge of peanut butter on my lip and a beeping phone in my hand, I am inviting more of that same messy, jumbled energy into the conversation I’m about to have.

    If I want clarity and connection in my relationships, what the heck do I expect to happen when I begin our conversations with restless, twitching unfocused-ness?

    What I bring to any interaction is (usually) what I receive from it.

    So it boils down to this:

    Before walking into tough conversations, we must get clear on who we want to be in that moment.

    Before the birth control discussion with your daughter, take ten deep breaths. Remind yourself that you want her to understand the joy of sex and the life-shifting responsibilities it can bring.

    Before you take away drunk Uncle Larry’s keys, ground yourself in the love and concern you feel for him and the safety of the other drivers and pedestrians on the road that night.

    Before you walk into the big meeting, before you sign the divorce papers, before you say “I do,” pause and ask yourself:

    Who do I want to be as I do this thing I’m about to do?

    You might choose to be kind, open, attentive, loving.

    You might prefer strong, firm, connected, a leader.

    Inhale that. Affirm that. Be that.

    This doesn’t mean that your body language and words will be in permanent alignment with the qualities you’ve chosen to focus on.

    And it certainly doesn’t mean you’ll now morph into some super-human communicator deluxe.

    You will still mess up, somehow. That’s part of being human.

    But, I believe, you will mess up less.

    I believe that when you get deliberate about the intention and energy you want to carry into a conversation or a room, you shift the dynamic.

    The context moves from He-made-me-say-it to I choose these words. I choose these actions.

    You are no longer floundering around.

    You are no longer a victim or a puppet of the circumstances and people around you.

    You’re making clear, conscious choices about the person you want to be. That’s what true power is. That’s what it means to create your life.

    So before you open your mouth or write the email or turn the doorknob, be clear as seawater about who you want to be in that moment.

    And then be that.

    Photo by Benson Kua

  • Taking a Chance on Happiness and Knowing We Deserve It

    “Life is inherently risky. There is only one big risk you should avoid at all costs, and that is the risk of doing nothing.” ~Denis Waitley

    I like to tell the story of how I changed my mind about myself and what I was worthy of and how that change almost immediately led me to my husband—or, rather, how it led him to me. On Craigslist.

    But unlike a fairytale, we didn’t go straight from point A (boy meets girl on a sometimes-shady website) to point B (boy marries girl in the church she was baptized and grew up in, across the street from her childhood home) and happily ever after.

    We sorta stalled at first. And it was all my fault.

    See, even though we hit it off in a big way and immediately started emailing each other, like, a dozen times a day (seriously, I kept every single email and treasure them all), I wasn’t fully sold.

    I didn’t think we had a chance romantically. Even though the poor guy did everything but jump through flaming hoops to get the point across that workdays full of emails were just slightly less than he hoped for, I held him at bay.

    I conveniently overlooked his invitations to connect over the phone after work some night. He called me “Beautiful” like it was my name, and I would just conveniently overlook it. There was a big old wall between us, and I was the architect.

    Finally, after a month of this nonsense, the truth hit me like a bus (funny, since I was sitting on a bus at the time).

    I heard a voice ask, “What is wrong with you? You have everything you’ve always said you wanted, and you’re pushing it away!” After I looked around and made sure it wasn’t some weirdo randomly talking to me (you just never know on the bus), I gave the idea some thought.

    Whoa. Yes, I totally was. I was pushing it all away with both hands.

    This was another huge turning point in my life. Right there on the Route 36 bus.

    I explored this idea as I made my way home that night. For once there was a man in my life who was clearly interested in me, who very obviously wanted to take our relationship to a more serious romantic level. There was no struggle, no game playing, no confusion, no chase (at least, not for me).

    And we had so much in common—our values, our beliefs on religion and spirituality, our interests. Sure, there were differences too, but just enough to keep things interesting, to keep us both growing and learning from each other. Enough to give us endless topics to ramble over through countless emails, for sure.

    As long as I’m being honest, I was also totally addicted to talking with him. I looked forward to every single email and would get pouty when I didn’t hear from him right away. I had to check in and wish him a good night before leaving work and had to check my inbox as soon as I got home to see if he wrote back.

    I was clearly smitten. But here I was, holding the poor guy at arm’s length, even as he tried so hard to enter my heart.

    So what was my deal, anyway?

    It boiled down to this: I was miserable with my life the way it was, but it was all I knew. It was what I was comfortable with. I hated being alone, but “alone” was the only way I’d ever known my life.

    I still needed to come to terms with the fact I was worth loving. No matter how awesome I told the world I was, I needed to believe that there was someone out there who would love my wacky self as-is, no strings attached, no holds barred, no weight loss needed.

    Putting it bluntly: I had never known a man who didn’t require me to change in some way for them to consider me dateable. This was a total challenge to my self-image.

    I also needed a hefty shot of courage. After all, I’d been hurt in the past—too many times to count.

    And I hadn’t even had a romance with any of these other guys. I’d shared my heart, but I hadn’t shared my body. I hadn’t shared my secrets.

    They hadn’t heard me snore in my sleep.

    What if I started a relationship with this man and we broke up? How would I handle that, knowing that there was another person out there who knew all about me? This was a whole new world, and I had no idea how to navigate it.

    Still, in the face of all this fear and hesitation, there was a quiet little voice in my heart that pointed out that the easiest thing in the world would be to just give in. To stop fighting it, which took more effort than letting things take their natural course. To believe that I was lovable, if only because this man saw me as such, and to trust that he would never hurt me.

    And he never has.

    I realize now that this way of thinking affects people in more ways than just the example I gave here.

    So much of the time we long for something else, something new, something better, but when the opportunity presents itself, we either miss it completely or we come up with a million reasons why it’s not right for us.

    We’re too busy, we’re not smart enough, we’re not lucky enough, or connected enough; we don’t have the money for it. On and on.

    We let huge, potentially life-altering opportunities pass us by because, at the end of the day, we don’t believe we deserve them or that we could handle them if we gave them a shot. Even if we want them with all our heart.

    It’s not that we’re lying to ourselves about what we want. It’s that we let fear dictate what we’re worth.

    It takes work and a lot of self-awareness, but if we can identify these negative beliefs—all based around fear—we can work on becoming a little more fearless every day.

    Our job is to stop standing in our own way. To drop our limiting beliefs, stop dedicating time and energy to talking ourselves out of what we so richly deserve—fulfillment, love, abundance, joy, and peace. To simply open our arms and our hearts and accept the possibility of something more, right there within our grasp.

    That’s when things start moving and grooving. I promise.

    Let’s stop holding our dreams at arm’s length. Or eventually they’re going to give up on us and continue dating another girl—which is what could have happened had I not texted my man that very night after my fateful bus ride.

    In my excitement, I pulled out my phone and sent this super articulate message: You know what? I think I kinda like you.

    I have never regretted sending that text. To this day I thank the voice in my heart for setting me straight and for giving me the courage to take a chance.

    Photo by Beshef

  • Why Self-Compassion Is the Key to Being Our Authentic Selves

    Why Self-Compassion Is the Key to Being Our Authentic Selves

    Arms Outstretched

    “To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    I was raised in a family where outward appearance and reputation were important. Standing out was only encouraged if it was within the bounds of what was considered “normal.”

    No one ever explicitly told me, “What other people think of you is more important than being your true self,” yet that’s what I learned to believe. It became my mission to be accepted by others, because I thought that only then would I be worthy of love.

    I spent most of my middle school and high school years pretending to be somebody that I wasn’t. I would “chameleon” to blend in with people around me.

    I suspect that due to my less-than-stellar acting skills, a lot of people could tell that I was being phony and didn’t want to hang out with me. This only increased my hunger for external validation and acceptance.

    At the age of thirteen, I attended my first personal development seminar.

    It was an incredible experience for me, and when I was in the seminar room, something inside of me came alive. Being in that space awakened my passion for personal development, a passion that has only grown over the last fifteen years.

    In the next decade that followed, I’d spent more than 350 hours participating in personal development seminars, and in July 2009, I finally received the honest feedback that would change my life forever:

    I showed up as arrogant, selfish, self-righteous, superior, and judgmental.

    The feedback hit me like a ton of bricks. I was simultaneously composed and totally shocked.

    I was composed because I knew that people experienced me in those ways: I was a condescending know-it-all with judgment by the boatload, and little tolerance for people “doing it the wrong way” (not my way). My demeanor was often cold and closed off, and I could easily insult people where I knew it would hurt.

    I was shocked, because when I received that feedback from somebody that I’d met less than six hours earlier, I felt completely vulnerable. I didn’t know what to do with myself in that moment of being completely exposed.

    The walls that I’d created to “protect” my authentic self were only pushing (or rather, shoving) everyone else away. I finally decided to make a change. And thus began my journey of rediscovering my true self.

    To say that it was a battle would be a grave understatement. The little voice inside my head had gotten really good at convincing me of “truths” that were actually just thoughts based in my false beliefs about reputation and acceptance.

    Lying to myself had become such a subconscious process for me that bringing it into my consciousness on a daily basis was a struggle.

    Right after receiving the feedback, I’d keep “be authentic” on the forefront of my mind for a few days at a time. But more often than not, my commitment to being authentic would slowly fade behind my decades of pretending to be somebody else, and I often wouldn’t even notice the shift.

    When I’d realize that I wasn’t being perfectly authentic, every moment of every day, I’d go into beat-up mode and would berate myself for being a failure.

    My new awareness seemed like a game of lose-lose: if I ventured out into authentic living and slipped back into my old ways, I’d go into beat-up mode; if I acted like I was okay with being my pretending old self, I’d feel sick to my stomach about who I was pretending to be. I didn’t know how to win that game.

    I spent a couple of years on the rollercoaster ride of stepping out and being authentic, slipping back into my old ways, and beating myself up about it; it was exhausting. But then I learned that personal development isn’t a switch, it’s a journey.

    I couldn’t just turn off my old behaviors and turn on some new authentic behaviors.

    Creating lasting change would take commitment, practice, and most importantly self-compassion.

    Commitment meant truly committing myself to being authentic, and doing it for nobody else but me. And practice meant making conscious choices to set my authentic self free instead of staying in the box I’d built for myself.

    The self-compassion piece was the most important because it determined whether or not I wanted to pick myself back up, dust myself off, and give it another go.

    If making a mistake was only going to end in me beating myself up about it, then I’d rather not have even attempted it. But if making a mistake was met with a desire to learn, and then re-approach my ways of being in a new way, it was a much easier choice to make.

    Throughout my journey of discovering and living as my authentic self, I have experienced moments of immense joy and freedom, which have encouraged me to continue moving forward.

    One of my most impactful experiences of letting my authentic self shine took place at the end of November 2013, when I shaved half my head.

    One of my friends shaved part of her head in mid-2013, and I loved how it looked. I thought it was a perfect combination of sexy and tough. I immediately wanted to shave my own head, but hesitated…for six months.

    I thought, “What are other people going to think when they see you? Everyone is going to judge you. People are going to think that you’re weird.”

    The little voice in my head was going crazy. My head and my heart weren’t coming to an agreement because that little voice was repeating phrases I’d heard my entire life.

    But one day—and I can’t remember exactly when it happened—I just decided to do it. I knew that deep down in my heart I wanted to, so I refused to let that little voice stop me anymore. If people were going to think that being my authentic self was “weird” then so be it!

    I wish I could say “and then I shut the little voice up forevermore and lived happily ever after,” but that wouldn’t be true. My little voice was screaming when I finally sat down to get my head shaved. But I just chose to acknowledge the screaming and shave it anyways.

    After it was all done and I looked in the mirror, I fell in love. I fell in love with me! For the first time in my life, I felt completely aligned in my outward appearance and my inner authentic self. I felt free.

    Sure, people stare at me in public. But I just smile and walk on by. Everyone has an opinion about my hairstyle, but there’s only one opinion that matters—mine. And I love it!

    That was one of the biggest and most tangible steps that I’ve taken toward letting my authentic self truly shine. Now, if I start letting to the voice inside my head get to me, I can just look in the mirror or touch the shaved part of my head to remind myself of who I really am.

    One of my biggest lessons throughout my head-shaving experience was this: when I limit myself because of my fear of what others might think of me, I’m limiting what I think of me. When I truly embrace my authentic self, I am free.

    Abraham Maslow said, “What is life for? It is for you.” I’m finally living my life for me, and I’ve never felt more empowered, joyful, or authentic.

    How are you holding yourself back?

    Would you be making different choices in your life if you weren’t worried about the acceptance of others?

    How different do you think your life would be if you stepped outside of your comfort zone one time every day?

    I encourage you to get uncomfortable and to let your authentic self shine. You might be surprised at how freeing it can be.

    I certainly was.

    Photo by AJ Leon

  • Simple Ways to Improve Our Relationships, Starting Today

    Simple Ways to Improve Our Relationships, Starting Today

    Holding Hands

    “My experience is that the teachers we need most are the people we’re living with right now.” ~Byron Katie

    I never had a good relationship with my father when I was younger.

    Sometimes he expressed his opinions in a rude way, sounding more like an attack than advice.

    Many times he apologized after being rude, but I was too cold to forgive or listen.

    The years passed, and I never made an effort to improve our relationship. It felt easier to deal with my mother. She was the one I always went to when I needed something, had a question, and wanted permission to do something. My dad was always the last to know things about me, good and bad.

    In 2013, my mother had an intense asthma attack and went into a coma. I have no brothers and not many close relatives. It was just me and my father, experiencing a totally unexpected, tragic situation.

    I never had patience or an open heart to stop and listen to him, but then I had no choice. We needed to stay together and help each other.

    Love is not the end result but in the effort to reach it. If someone is trying to improve, we should recognize this effort, even if the result has not yet been reached.

    I had lived with my father for twenty-five years and never knew him because I was not humble enough to see his effort to improve our relationship every day. But when we are broken, we finally get real and open.

    I had focused only the negative—his insensitivity in expressing himself—but I had not recognized the love he expressed in many actions, every day. I also disregarded all the times he had forgiven me for the harsh things I’d said to him. If he’d forgiven me, why did he not deserve to be forgiven?

    When people need to come together for a common goal, for something they consider more valuable than pride, they become open to miracles.

    I believe there is a reason why we are born in a certain family, in a certain country.

    All the people who cross our paths have important lessons to teach us. Even the people who we consider the most negative are our teachers and are doing a service for our own evolution.

    The sooner we learn, the sooner the turbulence ends.

    I decided I would carry that feeling through the remainder of my days with my father. What did I learn in those days?

    The Importance of Tolerance

    Why do we develop the habit of having an instant response to everything that someone tells us? Is it always worth discussing? In the first seconds of anger, we commit the biggest mistakes. It is better to step away, breathe, and then talk calmly.

    People can have different opinions about things, but this is not a reason to argue.

    People have different difficulties, and everyone has their own flaws to overcome.

    Instead of focusing on the negative and arguing, we must recognize everyone’s positive qualities. When we focus on the best in people, we generally inspire it.

    What Really Matters

    Sometimes we want to be right when it pertains to small things that won’t matter in an hour. And what really matters when we’re talking about co-existence with the people we love?

    What matters are the good times and memories.

    What matters is the respect and support.

    What matters is knowing that the person is on your side when you need them.

    The Power of Listening

    I realized that I often responded not to what I had heard, but to what I thought the person intended to say—and I often responded in anger.

    Because I was so often angry, I couldn’t see when my father changed. He had, but I had not.

    If we listen carefully, we will recognize far fewer offenses, because many of them are in our heads.

    If we feel this isn’t the case and decide to speak up, we can share our thoughts in a more delicate way, especially if we care about the listener’s heart.

    How to Love

    In those days, we hugged every morning. We both showed love for each other and for my mother.

    We prayed together, wiped each other’s tears away, consulted with each other, asked how the other was feeling, and really listened to what the other had to say.

    We often forget these gestures with the people who are closest to us. We forget how important is to say “Good morning” with a smile upon our face, give a hug, and sit for ten minutes to ask the other person how their day’s going.

    Love allows us to be a lighthouse for each other, but we have to consciously choose to shine our light.

    My mother is finally better, and our relationship has improved greatly as a family. I cherish every day because of the chance I received, and I make an effort to remember to feel as open I was in the days when I was broken.

    We don’t have to wait to feel broken to improve our relationships. We can start being more tolerant, focusing on what matters, listening more, and loving better on any day we choose.

    What can you do today to improve your relationships?

    Photo by slightly-less-random

  • Conscious Choices We Need to Make to Attract Healthy Relationships

    Conscious Choices We Need to Make to Attract Healthy Relationships

    Couple Holding Hands

    “When you have a choice to make and don’t make it, that is in itself a choice.” ~William James

    I have been single for most of my life; sometimes it would seem by choice, and sometimes not. In that time, I have learned and experienced a lot. Some of the things I had thought I wanted changed, and some of the things I thought I didn’t want have become things I do.

    Over the years I have tried various forms of meeting people, including the “bar method,” online dating, and approaching random strangers in public places. It’s not that I was desperate to find someone; I just find dating interesting and meeting new people thrilling. Nothing is really off limits these days, and no one really knows a concrete method for meeting “the right one.”

    While I don’t think there’s any “right” way to meet people, I can say this about relationships: our consciousness is everything.

    It is so complex and profound that science can’t even measure it. Think about that. The one thing we use to experience and create every aspect of our lives is not remotely understood or measured.

    As someone who has been exploring his own conscious potential for years now, I am simply blown away by what we as humans are actually capable of, and I am learning more every day—not by reading, or hearing from others, but by experiencing.

    Our thoughts influence our emotions, and our emotions affect the health of our body. If everything is connected and influenced internally by how we think and feel, why is it such a stretch to think the “outside” world—the world made up of the same atoms we are each made up of—isn’t just as influenced by these thoughts and feelings?

    This is not about The Secret or simply attracting what you want. It is about consciousness, free will, and choices in this life.

    In my experience with dating, I have learned that:

    1. Like attracts like.

    As human beings, we are here to learn. We attract people with the consciousness that closely matches ours at a given time, but most importantly, people that will bring about the greatest lesson—mainly because both need to learn the same one, though sometimes in opposite ways.

    Simply put, the more you work on bettering yourself and raising your consciousness level, the more likely you are to attract someone who is healthier, and healthier for you.

    If you are living out of your inauthentic self, you are going to attract someone who mirrors that. We have all been there.

    Understanding this concept and applying it to your life really helps you make sense of relationships and move forward positively, if you choose to. Once I realized there were lessons to be learned from the people around me, I could find them, learn them, and let those people go when it was time to move on.

    2. Understand who you really are.

    To get to this place of clarity and understanding, you need to recognize which of your regular choices contribute to what you decided you don’t want.

    When you understand who you really are behind all of the fears, addictions, and ego, you begin to understand what you really want and need in your life. When you understand this, you can put yourself in situations with people who closely align with your real interests and level of consciousness. It might sound like common sense, but it isn’t.

    For example: Drinking heavily or doing drugs aren’t healthy or genuine soul interests. So trying to meet people while drinking to excess at bars is not likely to lead to a healthy relationship.

    As soon as I stopped putting myself in situations that contributed to an addiction process and started spending more time doing the things that were healthier for me, I found I began losing touch with certain people and meeting new, healthier ones.

    Put yourself in more situations with people who like the same healthy things you like, and that make you a better person, not less of one.

    3. Decide what you really want.

    If you have commitment issues, then that probably means you bounce back and forth between wanting love and fearing it. If you—the consciously empowered, self-authoritative, and free human being—won’t decide what you really want, how can you expect to attain it?

    I found that no matter what I tried, when I wasn’t sure what I actually wanted, my results were confusing and disappointing. It’s not just about where or how you meet; it’s about knowing yourself and what you really want and then making the conscious choice to open up to it.

    When you make this choice, firmly and consciously, your subconscious can stop resisting. It is important to affirm the intention of what you do want, not what you don’t want.

    Soon after I decided firmly and consciously that I wanted something real, something long-term, and as soon as I began healing my “unworthiness,” I opened myself up to a new relationship that reflected this new-found consciousness, but only after years of confusion about what I wanted and deserved.

    I recommend getting a journal and writing your goals. It not only puts that energy out there and sets your intention, it also helps you understand what you really do and don’t want in your life at that moment.

    4. Know you are worthy, and love yourself.

    Do whatever you need to do to heal negative energy, emotions, and thoughts that are holding you back from moving on and loving yourself for who you really are—not who someone made you think you are.

    Before you can have a healthy relationship, you have to first remove old stuck energy from situations where people have treated you poorly or led you to feel unworthy of self-love, happiness, or respect.

    Unfortunately, you cannot think, rationalize, or talk these blocks away. There are many ways to heal: meditation, energetic healing, therapy, and so on. Do whatever resonates best for you. Sometimes a simple daily affirmation, like “I am worthy of love, I am worthy of a healthy relationship” is enough to spark a healing journey within.

    If you don’t feel worthy, then find the source of that feeling. If you spend some time and do some hard “me work,” you will uncover the people and situations tied to those emotions and thoughts holding you back.

    We have all heard the saying, and it is true: you have to love yourself before someone else can. The only way to do this is to clear other people’s voices from your mind and emotions.

    I, like many, have spent years dealing with worth issues: I felt unworthy of love, success, happiness, and so on. If you struggle with the same thing, consciously choose to work through it.

    Working on these issues frees us to attract healthy, loving relationships—and know that we deserve them.

    Photo by Christopher Michel

  • Sharing Yourself Without Worrying About Being Accepted

    Sharing Yourself Without Worrying About Being Accepted

    Hiding

    “Happiness is really a deep harmonious inner satisfaction and approval.” ~Francis Wilshire

    Acceptance.

    This is a word we often toss around, but what does it truly mean? Perhaps the meaning of it ultimately resides within its beholder. I know I have certainly achieved my own understanding of what acceptance means to me and for me, and so far, this definition is ever evolving.

    On November 6, 2013, I returned to the United States after having lived in Australia for two and a half years. I spent the majority of my time there studying and practicing yoga and teaching yoga and meditation.

    As a teacher, I had to face my attachment to the experience my students had or did not have. I feared that I would not be good enough, that somehow they would find fault in my delivery, and that I would ultimately not be accepted.

    Now, let’s be clear, this fear was no new fear. It had haunted me all my life. Becoming a yoga and meditation teacher was just one of the divine blessings that brought this fear to the surface for me to clear and overcome, like nothing had been able to before it.

    At the end of last year, I traveled to the Oneness University in India. For thirty-one days we went through many classes, ancient rituals, and ceremonies, and had an abundance of time and opportunity to see ourselves clearly.

    The monks lovingly guided us to look at our unconscious fear, pain, suffering, and inauthentic actions.

    This was extremely confronting, because most of us had no idea we were operating on a level of such fear.

    After that, I went back to Australia and spent the next five months falling apart as I became aware of so much inner dissatisfaction and disapproval. Holy Moly! I sometimes wondered if I’d ever come through it.

    During this time, I did some coaching with a woman named Jaxin Brooke. In our initial consultation, it became clear how much I longed to feel like I fit somewhere, like I belonged, like I was completely accepted.

    She helped me see how I had been going about this with external efforts; I thought if I could up my career game, or perhaps if I moved back to America, or got married, then maybe I would “fit in.”

    The truth was, I suffered from internal rejection and an inability to feel like what I was offering, who I was, and where I was at in my life were good enough.

    Awareness is the most effective tool for helping me shift from fear to love, from criticism to compassion, and from conditional to unconditional love.

    Awakening begins with seeing.

    Once I become aware of the way I am currently operating—meaning I can see the inner critic, the judgments, the fear, and the stories—the awareness alone brings light to the darkness or consciousness to the unconscious. This brings about an automatic shift in perception. So for me, inner satisfaction and approval depend on my level of inner awareness.

    Between working with Jaxin and watching a TED talk by Brené Brown on vulnerability, I began to experience a profound shift. There was a specific message that I received, and that message was this:

    “Acceptance comes as a result of sharing what’s in our hearts, regardless of the outcome.”

    It clicked. I understood that acceptance was no one else’s responsibility. It was my own. The first step toward it was vulnerability. Vulnerability is courageous. Courage comes from the Latin word cor, which means heart.

    I began to share what was in my heart, regardless of the outcome, in my classes, with my boyfriend, with my clients, with my friends, in my articles, and I began to experience something beautiful.

    Showing up and sharing was no longer about the feedback or responses I got from others. It was about me doing my part. It was about showing up as the best version of myself, without hiding the things I assumed other people wouldn’t love.

    I began to apply this into my daily life as a spiritual practice. I began to give fully, to speak my truth openly, to share what was in my heart each day, regardless of the outcome, and I experienced the joy of connecting with people like never before.

    I was no longer trying to be perfect, but rather letting them see me exactly the way I was.

    I was finally able to see my boyfriend through loving eyes, becoming aware of everything that was awesome about him instead of picking out what was wrong about him.

    I was able to share, personally and professionally, from a place of authenticity and vulnerability. I was no longer taking responsibility for what others did or did not get from my sharing, because I knew my only job was to generously and unconditionally give what sat in my heart and to surrender the rest.

    As a result, my relationships became even more powerful, even more mutually nourishing, and even more effective.

    Everything began to flow in abundant ways after this awareness blossomed within me, which has been a huge help for me now that I am back in the U.S. and spending time with family.

    Our loved ones have the ability to show us our deepest, darkest corners of insecurity, self-judgments, and inner disapproval.

    As a result, we typically end up pointing the finger at them and complaining about how imperfect they are. This trip home has been different for me than trips in the past.

    I have always assumed my family thinks certain things, that they judge me, or are disappointed in me for not being what they may have wanted me to be.

    Now, however, when I see myself in conversations with them and the old programs come up, telling these stories of their disapproval of me, in that moment I can soften. I can recognize the pain that is present in us all in that moment. I can have compassion for them and myself.

    I can reaffirm that I know who I am, I know what I’ve achieved in my life, and I know what amazing things I am up to; and therefore, I don’t have to demand their approval.

    I can consciously choose to let go of the old stories, the boxes I have put us in, the need to prove anything, and instead I can re-examine things with fresh eyes that have only one goal: to love myself and them.

    Even if my assumptions about my family were right, which is unlikely, with inner satisfaction and approval, I can still be happy and okay in the face of other people who may think, feel, and see things differently than I do.

    Awareness is what opens the pair of internal eyes that we need to see what is going on onside of us. Awareness will shine the inner flashlight on the internal fear and criticism. It will show us where we are currently operating and offer us the opportunity to upgrade.

    I am not inviting you to fix or change yourself. I simply invite you to turn on the flashlight within and see what happens. I invite you to become willing to surrender to the process that will follow such awareness, and to stay committed to your intention to accept yourself and others.

    Photo by Jennifer Graevell

  • You Are Good Enough and You Have Nothing to Prove

    You Are Good Enough and You Have Nothing to Prove

    Boy Sunset

    “You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anyone.” ~Maya Angelou

    I sat on a big, cold stone on the beach next to Lake Ontario and watched as the waves lapped upon the shore.

    To my right, there were swans and ducks floating on the water. The swans were graceful and beautiful as they glided along the shoreline, and the ducks were being their usual kooky selves.

    It always made me laugh to watch them dive underwater, kick their webbed feet in the air, and wag their feathered bums back and forth. They were so natural, so unaware of my presence, so carefree.

    I admired them for their untroubled lives and yearned for what they had—the complete and total lack of care for what I thought of them.

    To my left in the distance, I saw the CN tower and the surrounding high rises of Toronto. I was in college studying acting for film and television, which had always been my dream.

    But now, sitting next to the vast open water under the clear skies and watching as the waves slowly rolled up and receded, breathing in the fresh air, I realized this was the most content and peaceful I’d felt in weeks.

    All of my life, I wanted to be an actress. I wanted to see my face on the big screen, my name credited in large, bold letters; to be a guest on talk shows and able to meet all of the successful actors I admired.

    I wanted to be someone who was noticed, praised, respected, and looked up to. I wanted to be special.

    I also loved the craft of acting itself and thought that connecting with other people was so beautiful. But since coming to college four months ago, all I’d really felt was judged.

    Rosalind Russell said, “Acting is standing up naked and turning around very slowly.” That’s exactly how I felt in my program, every day.

    Day after day, I would pour my heart and soul into a performance for my professor and my classmates. I’d receive some small praise but buckets and buckets of criticism on top of that—what I could have done better and what was wrong with what I did or how I looked.

    Deep inside, I knew that that was how I’d learn, grow, and become better, but the constant flow of negative feedback was really taking its toll on me. Most days I would go back to my small residence room and cry about how terrible I was.

    I never felt good enough. I hadn’t yet realized that I was so afraid of judgment from other people because I was constantly judging myself.

    Flash forward to exam week and I was sitting on the beach. To my left was the city. The hustle and bustle, the crowds, the competition, and the never ending flow of judgment and criticism.

    To my right was the gentle blue waves, the soft stones and pebbles strewn along the sand, the ducks in all their carefree and content splendor, the swans with their heads held high, floating peacefully along the shoreline.

    I knew in that moment that I would have to make a choice.

    I either had to dedicate myself wholeheartedly to this profession, with all its criticism, or walk away and find something new. Both choices were equally daunting.

    I always loved nature, and being immersed in it made me feel so calm. Life became simple and easy in those moments and it was okay to be me.

    But I also loved performing—the sound of applause and the times when the light shone on me and I was approved. The brief moments when what I did was good enough.

    The ducks didn’t need anyone to tell them that they were good enough. They didn’t have to memorize a script, work on it for hours, find the perfect costume, and perform their guts out to earn a single head nod.

    The ducks were simply themselves. They didn’t care that there was someone on the beach. They didn’t instantly attempt to straighten their feathers or worry about whether or not I liked how they were swimming. They were completely at ease. Free.

    I knew that if I continued down the path an actor takes, judgment was going to be with me every step of the way. It would be there for every performance, every agent I met, and every audition room I entered. What everyone else thought would always matter.

    I decided that I would much rather be a duck with ruffled feathers and happy with myself than someone constantly striving and working toward validation from others, which was how I felt as an actress.

    I had also started to hide behind the characters I was playing as a way to avoid being myself. That day, I resolved to find a different path, one I could walk down as me.

    I gathered up my courage and withdrew from my program, which was terrifying. Dropping out meant letting go of the image I had of myself, and the image everyone else had of Stacey, the actor.

    I had to let go of the idea of me, the idea I loved, the idea of who I wanted to be, in order to accept who I really was as a person.

    Just as I was judged when acting, I knew I could also be judged for leaving it behind. But that simply didn’t matter anymore. 

    The best and most fulfilling realization came to me that day on the beach. I didn’t have to earn the right to be deemed good enough. I didn’t have to work for it. I didn’t have to do a song and dance to prove I was worthy.

    The truth is there will always be judgment in life. There will always be someone to tell you that you aren’t smart enough, thin enough, or successful enough. You can’t change what people think. The good news is you don’t have to. If you believe in yourself, nothing else matters.

    Sitting on that rock alone, appreciating the breeze in my hair and smiling at the ducks, I finally embraced the truth. I was already good enough. And it was in that moment of acceptance that I was truly free.

    You can’t change people but you can change how you respond to them, which is what I did. Now, I acknowledge the criticism when it comes and immediately let it go. When someone offers support, encouragement, and love, I bring it in and allow it to raise me up higher.

    The wonderful part of self-love is that once you know you are good enough already, there’s no way to go but up. The negativity fades and the positivity grows. Embrace the security, contentment, and inner peace that come with accepting yourself.

    How can you accept yourself today? My best advice is in three small words: be a duck!

    Let the judgment and criticism from others slide off your beak like water, swim how you want to swim, look goofy with your bum in the air, make silly sounds, do whatever makes you happy without caring what anyone else thinks, knowing you are wonderful exactly as you are right now.

    Shout it from the rooftops and let the whole world know.

    “I am good enough!”

    Because you really are. So, give yourself permission to be you. Accept, believe in, and love yourself knowing you are already enough and you don’t need anyone else to tell you that. It is only once you accept yourself that you’ll be free to live the life you’ve imagined.

    “Be who you want to be, not what others want to see.”

    I learned that lesson from the ducks. And for that, I’ll be forever grateful.

    Photo by ikon

  • Finding the Strength to Leave: Run Toward, Not Away

    Finding the Strength to Leave: Run Toward, Not Away

    Running Toward

    “You don’t need strength to let go of something. What you really need is understanding.” ~Guy Finley

    It was 11pm on a Monday night and yet again I was chatting online with my friend about the woes of my failing marriage. “I just need a knight in shining armor to take me away from all of this,” I said.

    “Not real life,” she said, “but you’re bright and strong, and you’ll be fine.”

    I didn’t feel strong. All I could see was a mountain of practical reasons why I had to stay in this relationship: our two-year-old twins, the expensive rented house with ten months remaining on the lease, marital obligation, family expectation…

    The fact that I was no longer in love with him, very unhappy, and at times even scared of him didn’t seem to register as important in the face of money worries and how I would cope as a single parent. My weakness was finding ways of keeping me stuck. I was hiding from the inevitable.

    I wanted the knight to bring me money and emotional support so that I didn’t have to be strong. I could bypass my own lack of strength if I could rely on someone else’s.

    Every day I felt the acute pain of ignoring my inner voice and carrying on with a marriage, and a life, that was sucking the energy and what little strength I had left out of me.

    I looked for reasons to stay. For reasons I could hold up as fact and persuade myself that staying was the best thing to do. Anything but face up to the huge upheaval that leaving would cause.

    No matter how bad his behavior got, and how many times I considered I’d hit rock bottom, I convinced myself that happiness wasn’t for everyone. And I stayed.

    My inner voice continued to scream at me that this was all wrong. I went round and round in circles. I found problems and obstacles to leaving him everywhere I looked. And I stayed.

    I found reasons to leave too, good reasons. But I couldn’t summon up the strength to act on them.

    Then I started writing. Every day. Pages and pages about how I felt and what I wanted out of life and in a partner.

    Some days I wrote fiction—short stories featuring protagonists remarkably similar to me. Other days I wrote non-fiction, describing my hopes and dreams in detail. Like a diary entry from a life I didn’t really have.

    Fiction or fact, the themes were the same. Ideas recurred. My real desires became clearer to me.

    I wanted a happy family. A husband who was present more than he was absent. Someone who preferred spending time with our children and me to his friends and work colleagues.

    Yet I had no intention of doing anything about it. They were just words—dreams, wishes, unattainable nonsense. That took the pressure off finding the strength to make any of it happen.

    But now I understood what I was looking for out of life and in a partner. I longed for a man who loved and respected me, and the realization that wasn’t what I currently had started gnawing away at me.

    All the bad things that had happened, and which were still happening, were not enough to make me leave him. But seeing a glimpse of how my life could be if I left him was starting to give me the strength I had been missing up until then.

    I couldn’t run away, but I could run toward.

    It took time. But my inner voice became less desperate and more encouraging. I found myself using my writing to run through real practical options about where I would live and what work I could realistically do instead of focusing purely on the unlikely and improbable.

    At some point I found the strength to talk to him. I told him I wanted to leave. He took it well; he seemed to understand what I was saying. He too was unhappy with the way things were.

    But he still tried to talk me out of it. All my steps forward and I had to take some back now. It knocked me for a while, but I kept focusing on what I could have.

    I kept writing about it every day.

    It actually didn’t matter that some of what I wanted might never happen. Meeting someone else—particularly someone resembling a knight in shining armor—could happen, but probably wouldn’t.

    But that didn’t matter. All I needed was the possibility. The vision of what my life could be. A dream to hold onto.

    For the first time in years I could see what I wanted and was able to make a rational decision to go in search of it. It didn’t really boil down to strength after all—more an unshakeable conviction that there was something better out there, and an unwillingness to ignore that knowledge.

    All that took months. The ten months remaining of our joint lease ran out and with it so did I, taking our children with me.

    No knight has since turned up with money or emotional support. One day he might, and he’d find that I didn’t really need him after all. In the end I managed just fine on my own.

    I found the strength to leave my marriage by writing every day until I understood what I wanted in a partner. In the end it turned out to be quite simply someone who will love and respect me, and be a caring father to my children. I haven’t found him yet, but I’m happier now that I’ve left the person who definitely wasn’t him.

    You might find your strength to leave another situation—your job, a toxic friendship—by writing as well. It’s about finding clarity on what you want instead. Giving you something to go toward rather than run away from.

    And I hope when you find your clarity, you’ll find your strength, like I did.

    Photo by geralt

  • We Need to Give People the Freedom to Choose What’s Right for Them

    We Need to Give People the Freedom to Choose What’s Right for Them

    Flying Free

    “You must love in such a way that the other person feels free.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    I’ve read a lot of articles about loving without attachment and respecting other people’s choices, but it wasn’t until one day that I truly got it. And I will tell you what happened to me that day.

    My boss and I have a very special relationship. He’s the boss everyone would want to have. He appreciates me for my work and for everything I do. He thinks that I’m a great kid. Every time he has the chance, he praises my results and he shows his confidence in me and my work.

    One day, I decided to go to a job interview at another company. I wasn’t planning to leave; I only wanted to see what other companies have to offer. And I told him about it.

    His reaction was a complete surprise for me: instead of thinking of himself and offering me everything just so that I wouldn’t leave, he told me, “Andrei, go to the interview, and if you think that’s better for you, then go.”

    It was obvious for me that he wasn’t okay with me leaving. He loved my work and he wanted me to stay, but he understood something: the most important thing is for me to be happy. And that made the difference.

    He was thinking of me instead of thinking of himself. It was a breakthrough. Instead of forcing me to stay and granting everything so that I don’t leave, he offered me a choice. And choice means freedom.

    It meant that I got to compare. I got to see what others have to offer and then choose what is right for me. And of course, when I get to choose, I choose what makes me happy. So I went to the interview, realized that my current project was better than the new one, and returned to work with new forces.

    A few days after this I was at home, remembering the whole scene when my girlfriend called and told me that she was thinking of going on a trip for the weekend.

    We hadn’t seen each other for a while, and I had made some plans for us for the weekend. But she was thinking of leaving and she wanted to know what I thought about it.

    The first thing that popped into my mind when she told me this was: “No! Tell her not to go! We have plans!” But then I remembered how my boss had reacted. I wanted her to be happy.

    I wanted her to be able to choose what was right for her. I wanted her to have a choice, as I had, because I understood that choice means freedom. So I told her to go despite the fact that I was a little sad that I wouldn’t be able to be with her.

    There are two things that I learned from these experiences.

    Letting go gives people a choice.

    My boss taught me an important lesson: think about what other people want and need instead of only thinking about yourself.

    When someone wants a thing that is in contrast with what you want, there are two choices of action. The first is convincing the other to do the thing you want. This path empowers you. You will be satisfied, but the other will not necessarily be happy with it. By following this path, you take a risk by thinking that you know what is right for the other one. And you might fail.

    But there is another path: presenting your choice, but supporting the other’s choice. This path is more beautiful and more powerful because it empowers the other. You may or may not get what you want, but either way there is no way to failing.

    Choice means freedom.

    Freedom is a thing that we all desire because ultimately freedom brings happiness. Freedom means being able to compare the situations—the benefits and the drawbacks—and choosing what is best for you.

    As much as we all want to be free, we have to understand that others have the right to be free, as well.

    They say birds are a symbol of freedom. If you look at the sky and watch their flight, you will understand why. I’ve never seen a bird dragging another one around the sky. Yes, they might fly one near the other, they might eat and sleep near each other, but that’s it. If they choose to drag one another, neither of them will be able to fly and they will both fall down to the ground.

    It can sometimes be difficult to respect other people’s choices because it conflicts with our ego. But we all want the freedom to choose what is right for us. And everyone benefits when we all choose to give it to each other.

    Photo by Cornelia Kopp

  • How to Heal a Broken Heart and Wounded Spirit

    How to Heal a Broken Heart and Wounded Spirit

    “We do not heal the past by dwelling there; we heal the past by living fully in the present.” ~Marianne Williamson

    My life fell apart on a warm August evening a few years ago. It had been a full summer: family visits, plans for a cross-country move, barbecues, and plenty of travel. We were happy, my husband and I.

    Or so I thought.

    On that August night, my husband came home to our cozy New York apartment, sat down, and told me, behind a smother of hands and hunched shoulders, that he’s in love with another woman. Well, not so much in those words—they actually came much later—but to save you a longer story, we’ll keep it at that.

    What was clear was that he would not leave her despite the ten years we’d spent together, despite the love he still felt for me, despite the mistake he knew he was making.

    And so, this man whom I loved with unbridled completeness, ran a sledgehammer through my life.

    As it happens, the reverberations of that blow rippled out, unceremoniously taking down other pillars I had come to rely on for my sense of stability and well-being.

    A week after my husband’s declaration, my spiritual home, the yoga studio I practiced and taught at nearly every day for years, closed with twenty-four-hour notice.

    A week later, I was downsized out of another job. .

    I shuffled through my days. At times I’d get a surge of energy and suit up with determination to do something about my situation. Other times I’d sink into an unmoving bump on the couch.

    After weeks of treading water and binging on my stories of “poor me,” I realized that, despite my best efforts, life just kept coming at me. No matter how much I resisted and whimpered, the sun rose, birds sang, and babies still made me laugh.

    I realized that I had a choice: I could keep shutting it out and wallow in misery, or I could open up and receive it.

    I decided to open, ever so slowly, almost against my will. I started with small things: feeling the comforting weight of blankets piled on top of me as I vegged out on the couch, tasting the bitter sweetness of chocolate chip cookies, seeing the texture and hue of the landscape I stared out into.

    In doing this, I discovered that what was breathing nourishment back into my soul and calling me forward into living again was none other than my senses.

    Without doing anything dramatic, without making lofty resolutions or steeling my willpower, I began to heal. I softened. I even laughed. I relearned joy and ease and the thrill of taking risks.

    Could it be so simple? Could it be so obvious?

    Yes, and yes.

    In opening, despite the pain and miserable facts of my life, a new awareness took hold: our senses are portals to the soul.

    They are our inborn pleasure centers, receiving and transmitting sensory data—pleasure and pain—directly to the soul, where it is translated into information for the soul to use, to learn from, and to grow from.

    Like a salve on a wound, senses can nourish and calm an achy soul and administer cooling bandages to a broken heart.

    The senses tell us, in every single darn moment: Yes, we’re alive (and what a gift!). And, yes, there is pleasure and joy and beauty and so much room to expand into. They tell us, yes, this journey, this life, is worth it.

    All we have to do is open up to what is, even just a tiny bit. The rest will take care of itself.

    Opening, we see the beauty of the leaves in the sunlight.

    Opening, we hear the wind chimes.

    Opening, we feel a friend’s hand on our shoulder.

    We take in the pleasure and the desire of our soul is quelled. We are set at ease. We have space now to rest, and heal.

    So, I made the decision to nurture my senses and give my soul what it desired, even if it meant that my senses brought in pain, or ugly sounds, or smelly feet.

    Because I learned that when my body aches from too many hours at the computer, I can still look to the blue sky and take cool drinks of water.

    Because when I’m wracked with disappointment or the sting of failure, I can still feel warm water on my skin.

    Because when I’m overwhelmed and wrung out from demands and deadlines, I can still breathe in the smell of a hearty stew and hear the kind words of friend.

    For every pain, there is a pleasure. And I suspect that we are capable of pleasures far beyond the reaches of any pain.

    It all starts with one simple move: opening to what is. Opening our sense portals to the deluge of pleasure that surrounds us, and filling our souls with the fullness of ease and nourishment beyond our imagination. This is the space we bathe in that heals wounded souls and broken hearts.

  • How to De-Stress Dating and Stop Tying Your Worth to Relationships

    How to De-Stress Dating and Stop Tying Your Worth to Relationships

    “Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.” ~Unknown

    I’m all too aware that dating can feel like a grinding, painful roller coaster to nowhere.

    If you’ve hit your head against the wall as many times as I have, you know how frustrating, depressing, and downright disheartening it can be. Meeting someone new, going on a few great dates, getting excited, having one/both of you sort of stop calling; then repeating the process over and over is enough to make you want to give up for good.

    The ups and downs in this cycle can make you feel like you are unbalanced and have whiplash. While it can be fun to go on a bunch of dates with different people, it can also make you feel like you’re floating alone on your own little island of solitude.

    For happily married people, the trials of meeting a mate are ancient history that they’ve completely glossed over. So they often parrot off clichés like “you’ll meet the right one when you least expect it” and “you’ll find him when you aren’t looking.” 

    When you’re on this emotional roller coaster, these well meaning statements are enough to make you want to cold clock someone in the face.

    How exactly do you even meet anyone if you aren’t looking? Does someone accidentally fall on you in the grocery store?

    In the two-and-a-half hours I leave the house each week, is he going to trip on me at Starbucks while I’m nervously palming my skinny hazelnut latte and completely avoiding eye contact? Will I lock eyes with him at the library while I’m researching just how relationships actually work?

    “Oh, hello beautiful. I see you’re clutching every book on love ever written. I find that super intriguing, want to go get a drink?” Said no one ever.

    After a while, it’s easy to feel like starting your collection of cats and totally giving up on the idea of ever meeting the right person.

    Several times during my dating experiences, I had to shut down my various online dating profiles for a few months and lick my wounds.

    It takes a lot of determination and/or masochism to keep putting yourself out there when Mr. Potential turns into Mr. Wrong with such break-neck frequency. It often became necessary to stop everything and reflect on why dating experiences had been such abysmal failures.

    Why wasn’t it working? I went on so many dates that I was testing different outfits, different responses to texts, different time frames for everything.

    I tried every type of date I could imagine. I certainly could have won an award for persistence, but why did it still feel like not only were there great people out there, but they were behind some kind of sturdy glass wall?

    Without fail, I would eventually put my rose colored glasses back on and try again, inspired by a friend meeting someone new or it being the absolute depths of winter. My best friend called it “going for another round.”

    It took me years to realize that I was addicted to the experience of dating itself. There is a great deal of novelty in meeting new people and experiencing new things with them while clinging to the distant hope that one of them just might click.

    The ups and downs were enough to keep me hooked, as I allowed my feelings about myself to be dictated by the opinions of people I barely knew. If they liked me, I liked me. 

    Somewhere along the way, I had let my ego get completely tied up in these experiences. I had fallen into the trap of letting my opinions of my failed relationships shape my opinion of myself.  No wonder I felt horrible and had lots of go-nowhere relationships. I wasn’t confident, I was afraid.

    Dating was like trying on new bras. While it was often an uncomfortable, awkward, painful, struggle, eventually I was ecstatic when I found a few that seemed to fit. Then, just like the lifespan of my favorite bras, the support system failed and the underwire started digging in.  When this happened I felt horrible, and went out looking for my next fix.

    One day this realization hit me like a ton of bricks while I was obsessing over the failure of my latest relationship.

    To stop feeling terrible and get off this emotional roller coaster for good, I realized I had a choice.

    I could either continue to view my dating experiences as abysmal failures that reflected poorly upon my self-worth and keep letting my self-esteem circle the drain. Or, I could manage my attitudes about my relationships in general and take a whole different approach to dating. 

    I could let myself off the hook and let the dating experiences just be what they were instead of tying my ego to them.

    When I stopped hanging so much of my feelings on these experiences, I started meeting completely different people than ever before. The best part about it was that even though I was still excited about a great date, there was not longer the subtle hint of desperation in my interactions.

    To continue to date without this emotional cycle was difficult but essential. Here is how I stopped the painful experience of getting my self-worth tied up in my dating experiences.

    1. Develop and maintain the belief that you are already whole without someone else.

    Rather than looking for your other half and staying off balance, you must believe that you are worthy and whole right now. While it is a universal experience to want someone to share your life with, your value is not determined by your success or failure at searching for a mate.

    It helped me to repeat, “I am whole, I am love” before and after dates, to get the idea across strongly that the outcome of this one event was not a determinate of my lovability or worth.

    When you strongly view yourself as a whole person who is looking for someone to share your life with, it takes away some of the fear that they won’t like you, that your destiny is hanging on this outing, and that if they don’t approve of you, you are back to square one.

    2. Be mindful of your fears surrounding relationships.

    So many people carry around the same negative thoughts about their desirability. “I am flawed.” “If I spill my guts to someone else, they will run.” “I can’t be vulnerable.” “I’m not enough.” “I’m going to die alone.” “If I commit I will be trapped.” And on and on. These are all rooted in fear and are not facts.

    When you hear yourself repeating any of these negative statements, say, “stop” and replace the thought with a positive affirmation. I like to use “I am whole, I am love,” but use a positive statement about your worth that resonates with you.

    3. Know that rejection does not mean you are not good enough.

    For whatever reason, you were not right for someone else. That decision is up to them. It is easy to get hung up on the “whys” behind their decision, but dwelling on them doesn’t change the reality. If you aren’t right for someone else, they aren’t right for you.

    Each time someone isn’t right for you and shows you that, honor their decision even if you feel differently. Move on and let them go. Do not use the experience as proof that you aren’t good enough.

    4. Get rid of the scarcity mindset regarding meeting the right person.

    You have an infinite well of love to give another person. This love is extremely valuable. Do not underestimate its worth to a potential mate.

    There are lots of people in the world. You must maintain the belief that there are more than a few who would love your company. If it doesn’t work out with one, you are not doomed. In addition, there is not a timer on your desirability.

    5. Be less serious about your search.

    Go on fun dates. Refuse to turn your dates into stuffy job interviews in contrived romantic situations. Dates are not a matter of national importance.  Show up, enjoy yourself and take some of the pressure off.  Laugh and play.

    When you adopt a lighthearted attitude it is easier to be fully present and experience the other person in the moment. Fun takes the pressure off. Then if you two are not a love match, at least you had fun.

  • How to Receive Gratefully Instead of Rejecting Kindness

    How to Receive Gratefully Instead of Rejecting Kindness

    Hugging

    “Giving is virtuous, but so is accepting gifts gratefully.” ~Doe Zantamata

    I’ve learned that how well you receive determines how happy you are.

    When I was committed to loving myself more, I started to be more aware of how I treated myself. What opened up for me was that I did not know how to receive.

    That was one of the things I had to learn in order to really care for myself.

    Receiving Capabilities Jammed

    There were times when I would squirm and be all awkward when I was given extra attention.

    There would be times when I’d feel indebted when I received a big gift or if someone did me a huge favor.

    I’d think, “You didn’t have to” or “This is too much” or “I feel bad that you got me this.”

    Then, there were times when I’d feel like I was imposing when a person offered to do something for me, even though they were the ones who offered.

    I remember when I was younger, maybe around fifteen. I went to my friend’s house to play cards. Around dinnertime, my friend’s mom invited me over for dinner. I politely turned her down, telling her I’d be going home soon anyway.

    She insisted, and I insisted on refusing to accept the invitation. I appreciated her offer, but I didn’t want to impose, so I felt it was more polite to decline.

    Later that night, my friend said her mom thought it was strange of me to keep turning her down. I was shocked and hurt. I didn’t accept the invitation because I didn’t want to hassle her in having to prepare for an additional dinner plate. I had no intention of offending her.

    That memory stayed with me. It is only until recently that I truly understood what happened.

    I denied her the chance to give. I also robbed both of us the chance to connect. I was so focused on not wanting to impose that I forgot to appreciate and just be grateful for her offer.

    What Happens When Our Receiving Capacity Is Jammed

    1. We cannot be emotionally healthy if we cannot accept blessings.

    When we keep refusing to receive, it will leave us empty and even resentful.

    2. It can be harmful to relationships.

    This happens because we will not be able to recognize the complete kindness the other person has to offer.

    I had a best friend before who was extremely good to me. But because my receiving capability was out of order, I couldn’t recognize all of her efforts.

    She would build me up, point out my strengths. Her intention was to help me gain more confidence in myself. But because my own receiving capability was jammed, I couldn’t recognize what she was doing. And the insecure part of me even thought she just pitied me.

    3. We rob the givers’ chance to experience the joy of giving.

    All of us have an innate desire to make people happy, especially the people we love. By refusing to accept others’ offer, we deny them the chance to do something good for us.

    4. We may become resentful.

    When we keep giving and we don’t receive, we become depleted and we run the risk of being resentful towards others.

    It isn’t fair to the other person especially if they wanted to give, but you refused to accept it.

    Why Receiving Is Difficult (and How to Make It Easier)

    1. Check what kind of judgment you have when you give.

    When you give, do you expect something in return? Do you give only to the needy?

    There was this test I read before. You place money on the ground, in a public place, like a park or a mall. And you hide. Then you observe your mind as you wait for someone to find the bill. You may find yourself hoping that a poor person gets it, or a kid. You may find yourself getting mad should a rich man or a drug addict pick it up.

    Those are the judgments that you have when giving. And those are the very same judgments you project onto your giver when you are the recipient.

    I did the test, and what went through my head was the poor should get it. The “deserving” should get the money. Or the one who “needs” it should get the money.

    So when people give to me, I have a hard time accepting since I don’t “need” it or that it should go to a person who needs it more.

    There will be times where I refuse it because subconsciously I didn’t want to be perceived as needy or weak.

    When you let go of your judgments while giving to other people, you’ll release yourself from projecting that judgment onto the giver and you find yourself receiving more gracefully.

    2. You constantly feel like you’re imposing.

    You automatically think you’re a burden or others would be hassled when they do something for you.

    It’s not true, though. More often than not, people want to make you happy.

    3. You feel indebted all the time.

    You feel like you owe the person something when you accept something from them. You feel obligated to repay them.

    Being grateful and giving back is much healthier.

    4. You assume they were just being nice.

    You constantly doubt if they meant it because you have a story running in your head that they were just being nice.

    But what I learned was, more often than that, people are really sincere. And no one is really obligated to do anything unless they really wanted to.

    5. You think they have ulterior motives.

    You think when a person does something extra nice to you; it’s probably because they want something in return.

    6. You feel like you’re not deserving.

    It isn’t humility. It’s actually denial.

    The goal is to let go of any kind of judgment when you give so you free yourself from any projected judgments that are keeping you from receiving.

    What really helped me was to focus on the intention and love of the giver that motivated that gift, offer, or that sincere compliment. Believing them, accepting it, and saying thank you. Being grateful for what you have received makes the giver happy because it says you appreciate the time and effort that person has given you.

    We should always be focused on giving but we should also learn to accept blessings gratefully.

    Once the door to receiving is open, imagine how many gifts are waiting for us.

    Photo by David Robert Bilwas

  • Letting Go of the Lies That Make Us Feel Bad About Ourselves

    Letting Go of the Lies That Make Us Feel Bad About Ourselves

    Keep Calm and Let Go

    “Genuine forgiveness does not deny anger but faces it head-on.” ~Alice Duer Miller

    The man who I thought was my soul mate walked out on me fourteen years ago. He immediately remarried a lovely, beautiful woman who was everything I was not.

    I am desperate to fall in love. I’m thirty-eight. I want a baby. I want a relationship. I feel alone.

    A year ago, I fell unexpectedly in love with my photographer. Yes, star-struck romantics, it was just like the movies. Shy, awkward woman gets pictures taken for her brand-building website, and she is completely unraveled by his boyish sweetness and the power of his lens.

    I had never felt so beautiful, so free, so seen, so celebrated. It was a wham-bam-thank-you-mam whirlwind romance. We “hung” out only four times.

    But I had felt the life times between us, even if he didn’t.  And he didn’t. He didn’t choose me. But that didn’t stop me from becoming a crazy woman. Obsessed.

    I cried every other day, made up stories, fantasies. Of course we had shared past lives together. He was my “real” soul mate.

    Even if my mind was making up the stories, my body remembered. Why else would I be so upset? I felt like I was dying, my heart was being squeezed into blackness, and all I could do to get past the tears was scream.

    I had many, many moments that looked like this:

    Imagine me, on my bed, with a box of tissues, crying from the pit of my soul. Snot coming out my nose and spit out my mouth, all dripping into a sticky pool on my bed. I’m angrily screaming out and yelling “Why?!? Haven’t I suffered enough pain? I’ve done what I thought was right. I’ve prayed. Meditated. Done good deeds. Challenged myself. Don’t I deserve love? The man I want? What can I do differently? What is wrong with me? Why am I not blessed? What do I have to DO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O?!”

    Not a pretty scene.

    It was gut-wrenchingly painful being in that victim hell realm. I had to get out. But how?

    How do you get out of your own way? How do you survive when you are drowning in a pit of dreadful dark emotions and thoughts? All I could think about was that penetrating question, “Universe, what do I have to do??

    Do? What do I have to do, right? Because obviously, I did something wrong or didn’t do something right to win his love.

    In this two-lettered word, do, I realized everything. It wasn’t about doing. It was about surrendering, letting go, and trusting in the organic flow of life.

    Not easy.

    I constantly forget this, and the universe kindly reminded me of my sticky attachments to the external, yet again. Then, to make matters worse, that little voice crept up and said in its annoying voice, “You need to look inside for love, not on the outside.”

    Who’s heard that before?

    And I say back defiantly, “Easy for you to say. I’m only human. I’m not an enlightened being. I want love, damn-it. Love!”

    Then, I stopped. I took a breath, dropped into my body, and surrendered. And then surrendered some more.

    Finally, I said to myself, “It’s okay to want love. It makes me a loving human being. It’s even okay that I became a crazed, angry woman, mad at the world, making up fantastical, delusional stories. It happens. But, mainly it’s okay because deep, deep down inside myself there was a lie I was telling myself.

    (Breathe)

    I was telling myself that it was my fault for being so unlovable, so broken that these men didn’t choose me. And of course, I know that’s not true.

    At first, I felt like an idiot. Geez, not the stupid loathing-lack-of self-love-thing again. But then I remembered to give myself empathy. I forgave myself for my lie because I know that many of us on this planet have the same one.

    That is what makes us human.

    Self-acceptance, forgiveness, and self-love washed over me. And I felt a little bit better, lighter. I felt like I was thrown a divine rope to pull me out of that pit of despair.

    I went through this routine about 100 more times, until one day, months later, I felt normal, clearer, and joy eventually snuck in again. I haven’t met Mr. Right yet, but I’m hopeful. I’m more grounded, more open, more trusting, and less attached.

    And when I start to feel the chatter of my mind and those icky feelings bubble up again, I remind myself of what I learned months before. There is a universal process of forgiving and letting go. We each have our own way of describing it, but mine goes something like this.

    1. Acknowledge what you are feeling, your anger, your sadness, and your pain.

    2. Release it. Express it (safely, away from blunt objects, and in the comforts of your home). Don’t hold it in your body to fester and turn into disease!

    3. Ask yourself the tough questions, and answer truthfully until you get to the very bottom of your pit of despair. There, you will find the treasure: the lie you have been telling yourself.

    4. Be gentle. Accept your lie. Forgive yourself for telling it.

    5. Lovingly let it go and rewrite your story. For me, it was: “I’m not unlovable. I’m lovable, and love will come to me in its perfect timing! Yahooo!”

    6. Finally, chuckle at the absurdity of it all, and remind someone else of this human process of death, rebirth, and growth through your own sharing, storytelling, and your art.

    Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. And smile.

    Photo by Randy Heinitz