Tiny Buddha

Category: love & relationships

  • A Simple Way to Avoid Hurting Other People

    A Simple Way to Avoid Hurting Other People

    “Don’t let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace.” ~Dalai Lama

    The most straightforward advice I can suggest to make real concrete changes in your life is to practice causing no harm to anyone—yourself or others.

    Try it for a day. Or two. How about a week? You will probably find that it’s harder than you think. Before you know it, someone has triggered you, and either directly or indirectly, you’ve caused harm.

    I am a successful psychotherapist and conscious woman, and I’m also committed to transparency. No more hiding behind the therapist’s veil for me. The one that projects enlightenment and hides the truths of being human.

    With that said, I happen to be a bit controlling. Take a moment and imagine yourself at a Twelve Step meeting. “Hello. My name is Carrie Dinow, and I am addicted to control.”

    It’s really helpful to get to know the ways you cause harm, much like you would a lover in the early stages of a romance when every part of you wants to know the other. You definitely want to get to know your own inner ‘others,’ the pained shadow parts of yourself that can live buried below the surface.

    The ways we cause harm can show up like fifty shades of grey, so the more intimate you can be with your own particular expression, the greater chance you have to let go. Like being overly invested in how many men join my husband’s camping weekend.

    The most obvious expressions, of course, appear as control, blame, withdrawal, and lashing out. With a little gossip and lying on the side.

    What is your harm of no choice?

    You’ve heard the fairy tale about the toads. It involves a princess who, when angered, would start to say mean words, and toads would actually come out of her mouth.

    How many times I have said to myself, “Do not say a word. Keep your mouth shut. It will only cause harm.” Despite our good and sincere intentions, most of us wrestle with our own toads. I know I have.

    I find that I am just like the Buddha—as long as I’m alone. It’s a lot easier to keep my mouth shut when it’s just me, myself, and I. Add a husband (even one of the best ones on the planet) and highly persistent daughter (the love of my loves), and all bets are off.

    The other night my daughter was extremely persistent, keen on getting her way. My husband, who is a revered psychotherapist—adolescents being his specialty—wrestles with his own blaming toads. In the past, his toads would trigger my toads. And faster than you can say Jackie Robinson, we are consumed by a plague of harm.

    So what are the ways for holding our seat, and for making sure the toads of control and blame don’t fly out of our mouths? The one I have found most impactful of all is to just shut up. No matter what, don’t scratch the itch. That’s all! Mmmm….

    That’s one reason I meditate. To court my inner toads and free me from my learned drug of no choice—control. It’s profoundly humbling to sit with my own thoughts, and to sit with an itch and not scratch it, without an escape clause.

    The practice of returning over and over to my breath allows me the choice of whether or not I stay attached to this addiction. When conflict arises or tones don’t meet my approval rating, I have more of a choice of how I want to react.

    Letting go of this lifelong relationship to control allows me to tolerate others’ behavior. No longer a feather in the wind at the mercy of someone else’s emotional breath, my need to escape the scene when things don’t go my way seems to be calming, mostly.

    After many years, meditation has become my new drug of choice. It offers me a chance to pause so I can actively engage in letting go of my control which, in my household, reduces the harm. The benefits are a lot like cooking with Teflon; things don’t seem to stick as much.

    What does it take to change the habitual response and to keep your mouth from spewing poisonous toads? To begin a different practice with yourself? One that honors letting the moment pass without responding to it?

    Most of us could use some basic tips on on how to loosen the grip on our well-ingrained habits of striking out and blaming.
 Each time we lash out with aggressive words and actions, we are strengthening the toad pool. And, the internal scoreboard can start to look like Anger 10, Patience 2.

    In the game of life, we can become easily irritated by the reactions of others. However, each time someone provokes us, we have a chance to do something different, to tend to our own reactions. Either we can strengthen old habits or we can take a moment to pause.
 That’s what it takes, a big fat pause.

    Did you know that patience is the antidote to anger? Learning to pause can help us develop our patience. When we begin to pause instead of retaliating, even if it’s only briefly, we are starting to loosen the pattern of causing harm.

    Have you ever noticed that much of the suffering comes from the escalation from that one moment when someone comes at you with a tone or says something that hurts your feelings, or has an opinion you absolutely don’t agree with? It’s what we do with that one moment to the next that can imprison or free us.

    Each time the toads escape us, we escalate our aggression and solidify our harm habit, which makes it a bit more difficult to calm the waters. If we learn to sit still with the restlessness and the sensations of anger, we can begin to tame and strengthen our mind.

    If only we could pause. Give it a try. No harm done.

  • Let Go of Regret by Making a Promise to Yourself

    Let Go of Regret by Making a Promise to Yourself

    Let Go

    “Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places.” ~Unknown

    Regret can be such a paralyzing emotion, yet it is also universal. At some point in our lives, in one way or another, we each wrestle with regret.

    Regret seems to rear its ugly head most when it comes to relationships. It happens when a relationship ends and we feel as if we could have done something more. This feeling intensifies when the other person decides that a second chance is not worth the fight. Most of all, we face with regret once it sets in that the past is just that—the past.

    Almost one year ago to the day, I lost the man that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.

    At age twenty-eight, after two years of living together, I watched him slam the door on our apartment. My own anxiety and depression led me to keep things inside, secrets, and this slowly built a wall in between us, so thick that we could no longer see each other.

    My own anxiety and need for reassurance or praise clouded my head so badly that I could not even notice that he saw right though me. And anytime he tried to get me to open up, I would convince myself that he was the enemy.

    We were no longer a team working together; we had become opponents working against each other.

    I had created my own nightmare, and now that it was over, all I was left with was regret.

    No matter what, I thought that we would find a way through the darkness. But once he walked out that door, he never looked back.

    In many ways, I still struggle with the regret following the end of my relationship.

    At first, I would enter periods of self-loathing: I could have eaten more so he didn’t have to sleep next to a hollow body made of skin and bones, I could have spent that fourth of July with him instead of choosing to leave him behind for a rock concert, and I could have made him feel like my top priority.

    But the truth is, I was so focused on my distorted self-image that I was blinded to the fact that I was pulling away, physically and emotionally.

    Yet in the last year, I have also come to realize (through ebbs and flows) that the universe has a way of showing you what rock bottom really looks like in order to demonstrate that you are capable of picking yourself up again.

    It is when you are truly alone and forced to face yourself that new opportunities will open up and you force yourself to let love in again.

    In the face of regret, the best thing you can do for yourself is not look back, but to make a promise to yourself that you can learn from the experience and do the right thing going forward.

    My promises to myself include ensuring that I never take anyone for granted again, and act only with love and compassion for myself and for others. The endings we experience in life are the world’s way of showing you that expansion is imminent.

    And if you can’t see through the fog of regret today, know that one day you will. Start making that promise to yourself today that you will no longer sit in your regret, but move forward with integrity, dignity, and self-respect.

    Photo by Conny G.

  • Learn to Love Yourself by Doing Something Good for Yourself

    Learn to Love Yourself by Doing Something Good for Yourself

    Orange Sky

    TRIGGER WARNING: This post deals with an account of sexual abuse and may be triggering to some people.

    “I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.” ~BrenéBrown 

    I was happiest when I didn’t know my weight, and that was ironically when I was at my heaviest, which was in high school.

    I was slow to take on the self-loathing and body image issues that plague so many young kids. I rarely felt bad about myself, partly because I had a loving family and a boyfriend who constantly told me how pretty I was.

    The boyfriend and I parted ways when I started college, and, thrust into a different world, I realized that I was fat. Before I knew it, I began absorbing what magazines suggest the ideal woman should look like.

    I tried changing my body, forcing it to do things I hated because I hated myself. Eating too much one day and eating too little the next was the answer to my fat problem, and exercising through the form of dogged running was the punishment for being “bad.”

    The Catalyst

    One year and two months from writing this, I was sexually assaulted. The situation fell into the “blurred lines” category. He bought me a drink and many more to follow, until I saw double, until I couldn’t stand anymore and fell tumbling onto the cobblestone ground of that foreign, lonely country.

    He didn’t need any drugs, all he had to do was talk smoothly like the snake he was, knowing that all it would take was a few drinks for someone of my size to lose her judgment; he knew me better than I knew myself.

    It took me a few days to register what had actually happened. He had gone far enough that I felt violated, used, and disgusted with myself, where looking and touching my own body felt dirty, but not far enough that I needed to go to the hospital take a pill.

    That night, as I moved in and out of alcohol poisoning-consciousness, in a moment of sanity I found my wits and told him to get out. He left peacefully, as though he was a good guy, but there was already enough damage done. I was never suicidal, but I was as close as I’d ever been to those kinds of thoughts.

    Returning to my family for much needed rehabilitation, I sought therapy and friends. It helped, but it didn’t heal. That’s because the love and support I was getting only worked as a Band-Aid. The trauma would never go away until I decided to kick it out of my home. And I tried. I really did try. But I was just too tired, too weak.

    One day a friend told me that maybe in order to kick trauma out, I needed to feel stronger, like I truly owned the place; what would make me feel like the master of the house again? Knowing how to defend myself. Knowing how to fight. Not being afraid of it.

    Perhaps knowing how to throw a punch wouldn’t have made a difference in last year’s situation; however, the experience instilled in me a fear of assault that was ten times stronger than it had been, simply because I knew what the aftermath of such an experience was like, and was so scared of it ever happening again that I became fixated on that one fear.

    That’s when I decided that even if I couldn’t fix the past, even if it had nothing to do with my physical strength, I needed to address the fear. I needed to take my life back and do something for myself. I knew I deserved that.

    I started taking Krav Maga, a form of Israeli combat defense. At first all I wanted was the guilt of the past to go away, with the knowledge that in the future I would never again be caught off guard, mentally or physically. That’s all I was asking: emotional and physical security.

    What I didn’t expect was that one self-defense class would turn into hours at the gym taking kickboxing and partaking in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, getting bruised from head to toe, which sounds like a beating, but I assure you it was a worthy one. I had never felt more alive or stronger in my life.

    The Change

    As I began to witness what my body could do, this new form of “exercise” became the detox for last year’s trauma. When I was knocked to the ground, instead of dwelling on my failure, I got right back up to continue the fight, because I owed it to my body.

    It wasn’t about my weight; it was about doing something positive for myself.

    Allowing myself to learn how to throw a hefty punch and be confident in my ability to do so not only made me feel good, it made me feel loved. For the first time in a long time, I loved myself. I learned how to be my own cheerleader, and not the little devil telling me that I can’t.

    I believe that giving yourself what you deserve and praising yourself can help you learn to love yourself; just getting there can be a little hard.

    I needed to reach a point where I threw aside my worth before I could choose to give my body and mind what they deserved, instead of letting them rot away in sorrow. I just never expected that this choice would not only heal last year’s pain, but also lead me to self-love.

    The Constant

    So I want everyone and anyone who has experienced something negative in their lives—no, I want people with all experiences—to sit down and think about what you need and what you’re going to do about it.

    Does that include taking time out for yoga? Trying out for a spot on SNL? It doesn’t matter. Take that idea, do it, but most importantly of all, be your own cheerleader. Love yourself. Know that you deserve it.

    Today when I look in the mirror and see a little muffin top, instead of spiraling into the abyss of negative thoughts and misery, I try to think of all the good things I do for myself and others. I think about how hard I sweat that morning, how much I read and learned that afternoon, and how the curry I cooked up made my family so happy.

    Miss Muffin Top is not the enemy; she’s a part of me, and should not be the scale for how much I’m allowed to honor my existence.

    Photo by Carlos Pantoja

  • Releasing Negative Beliefs: How Letting Go Sets Us Free

    Releasing Negative Beliefs: How Letting Go Sets Us Free

    Free

    “Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.” ~Andre Gide

    I have walked on water.

    The frozen wasteland known as Chicago had kept me inside, wary of the intense cold that was breaking records that particularly frigid winter. But after interminable snow days, I began to feel like a caged animal that needed to break free.

    I woke early one morning, overcome with the urgent need to connect to something living, something wild. I wrapped myself in countless layers like the kid in The Christmas Story and ventured out into the urban tundra. I felt compelled to walk to the beach that was a few miles from my house.

    An eerie, otherworldly feeling washed over me as I walked, achingly aware of the stark, endless whiteness all around me. The world itself felt as it was hung in frozen suspension and apprehension. Everything seemed to be hushed in reverence.

    When I reached the shore, I was hyper aware of the need to maintain a safe distance from the water, but I felt compelled to get as close as possible.

    As I moved forward across the frozen sand, I tried to gauge exactly where the land ended by using various items as points of reference—a fence, a wooden bench, a recycling bin. I inched my way toward the lake until there were no more reference points, and then became as still as the land beneath me. Or what I thought was land.

    I looked down at my feet and realized I was standing on a frozen wave, not a snow covered sand dune as I originally thought. I had walked out too far. I could both hear and feel the movement of the wave beneath my feet.

    I felt a juxtaposition of fear, exhilaration, and an overwhelming sense of weightlessness. My first instinct was to run, but I wasn’t sure of my footing. I was terrified that if I shifted my weight too quickly, I might fall through. I had no idea how deep the water was where I stood.

    At that moment I zeroed in on my true purpose for coming to the water. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a little bag filled with small strips of paper like confetti. On each one I had written something I wished to release from my life.

    • The fear that I will never find the type of love I want and need.
    • The commitment to being alone.

    I opened the bag to the wind, letting the belief-covered papers flutter out over the frozen lake. I did this quickly because I sensed the danger to my body on that unstable surface, and the danger to my heart if I held onto those stories a moment longer.

    With my task completed, I gingerly walked back to solid land. I let out a deep breath and knew so much had been released with those papers still floating on the wind.

    That moment on a frozen lake taught me a few very important things about surrender.

    • Surrender is about vulnerability and receptivity.
    • The opposite of surrender is resistance and control.
    • And it all comes down to fear and trust.

    I realized that my heart had become like that lake. A living thing that is supposed to flow, constricted by a lack of warmth and space into a frozen and dangerous place.

    One of the ways we keep our hearts frozen is by holding on to negative beliefs. These beliefs may be seem like they are about others or life in general. Usually, however, they are based on our perceptions. Negative beliefs are born from our wounds and stories.

    Eventually, every life experience becomes colored by these beliefs. Everything we see, say, do, and even feel is filtered through these limitations, judgment, patterns, conditionings, and doubt. The sad and scary part is that these beliefs tend to hide themselves in our subconscious, making us think that we are acting from free will.

    We may not even be conscious that we are holding on to negative beliefs.

    Unconsciously, we begin to nurture our negative beliefs without even being aware that we are doing so. We feed them and help them grow by giving them energy. We affirm them by attracting experiences that validate their existence. This becomes a vicious cycle. Holding on to negative beliefs justifies our need to be right.

    Many of us hold on to our grievances and emotional scars with fierce protection. They become like badges of honor.

    We think that without our constant vigilance, the memory of our wounds or broken hearts will be forgotten. We believe that we are some how “honoring our personal story” by holding on. If we do not act as the constant “keeper of our wounds,” our suffering will have been in vain.

    But spring must come if life is to flourish again.

    We must allow our hearts to thaw. We need to frequently evaluate our belief structures and release the stories that no longer serve us.

    Releasing our attachment to our personal histories doesn’t invalidate the emotional pain we suffered. It doesn’t mean that the defenses and barriers we erected to protect ourselves weren’t based on a real need for self-preservation at those times. Instead, it means that we assimilate the lessons we have gained from the experience while loosening its ability to control our lives.

    Just like the coldness and bareness of winter allows the Earth to rejuvenate, and ultimately makes everything stronger, so too do our personal winters allow us to access our depths. Every wound makes us stronger as we heal it, and gives us greater access to our power.

    Letting go of beliefs puts a great responsibility on us. If we connect with our personal power we must give up the illusion that we are victims. We can longer view ourselves as passively vulnerable to the whims of others. We now must take responsibility for how our life unfolds.

    This realization is a lot scarier than standing on a frozen lake.

    To truly open our hearts, to truly wield our power, we must be willing to participate in life.

    This requires both owning our part in situations and allowing experiences to unfold as they will. Accepting others’ actions and emotions without making them fit into some box as a hero or demon. And especially releasing our mental constructs about how life should be, what we should or should not be doing, and how other people should interact with us.

    Releasing expectations and resistance is one of the most empowering acts of life. Resisting what is can be emotionally, spiritually, and physically exhausting. We get stuck in patterns that begin to define how we interact with the world. And even though they are painful, because they are familiar and usually hidden, we can stay stuck for years.

    I had developed many of my beliefs to protect myself after a series of breakups and broken hearts.

    I convinced myself that believing I wasn’t worthy of love was safer than opening myself up to the possibility of love. If I never opened my heart to anyone, I would never be disappointed or have to experience the excruciating pain of heartache.

    I was keeping myself lonely and cut off from life. Trying to protect myself from pain, I was actually constantly hurting myself more.

    When I finally relaxed enough to let go of my old beliefs, my life began to flow with greater ease and grace.

    I walked out onto that frozen water because I needed to have a close encounter with life. I needed to let the primal elements cleanse me of my outmoded ways of being.

    I went beyond the fear and conditioning because, finally, being alive mattered more than being comfortable. Now I recognize that I must trust that life will always provide the situations and experiences required for my evolution. And that surrender is the only way to be free.

    Photo by Andi_Graf

  • 3 Tips to Get Out of Your Head and Start Expressing Yourself

    3 Tips to Get Out of Your Head and Start Expressing Yourself

    Get Out of Your Head

    “Always be yourself, express yourself, have faith in yourself, do not go out and look for a successful personality and duplicate it.” ~Bruce Lee

    I have always been timid when it comes to expressing myself, speaking my mind, and standing up for something. This stems from being raised in a culture where showing emotions is frowned upon.

    Nothing I ever did seemed good enough. There was constant criticism that I could do better, and be better. I was raised to never to talk back to my seniors and not to say anything when I had nothing nice to say.

    So I’ve always played it safe and stood by the sideline, and I never wanted to rock the boat. And sometimes, when I’ve felt like saying something, I’ve wondered if people would even care.

    Because, frankly, sometimes people talk just for the sake of talking or because they want attention, and that bothered me. However, I also envied those who could just say what they think and speak their truth, even though I may or may not have agreed with them.

    Nonetheless, as years passed, the more I stayed mummed, the more horrible my body and mind felt.

    I eventually became depressed. I felt like no one cared, I didn’t know who I should be, and I felt lost. Not wanting to blame the past anymore, I knew I needed to find something to take me away from this darkness.

    Along the way I found Bodytalk and yoga, and these were the things that helped me get out of my depression and helped shift my mindset. As I became more engaged with these activities, my inner voice grew stronger and stronger, and it wanted to come out and express itself.

    I began to accept myself for who I am, and soon, much like Katy Perry, I was ready for the world to hear me “roar.”

    The Problem

    It took me forever to express myself in both writing and speaking because I felt like I had to craft the perfect message to sound smart, funny, and diplomatic. By the time I was ready to share my thoughts, the conversation topic had gone and the moment had passed.

    Yes, it’s great to be thoughtful but Come on! I would tell myself. Stop bottling up your thoughts and start expressing yourself without care.

    I’ve learned to nurture my voice and not spend so much time crafting my message and worrying about what others think.

    These are the three philosophies that have helped me get out of my head, let go, and start expressing myself.

    1. The only person you need to impress is yourself.

    Yes, it’s scary to put yourself out there to potentially have people judge you. But if you know who you are and what you stand for, does it matter what others think, when you know your truth and what it means to you?

    The truth is, if you are comfortable in your own skin, what others think of you probably won’t bother you that much. After all, you will always have people who will be for you or against you, so why not stand for something and just be you? What’s the worst thing that could happen?

    “In the end people will judge you anyway, don’t live your life impressing others. Live your life impressing yourself.” ~from Raw for Beauty

    2. Stand for something.

    This is important. It allows you to let your personality shine. It’s also the foundation of your values, which help shape your identity, allowing people to connect with you and enabling you to surround yourself with like-minded people for support.

    Remember, no man is an island, as John Donne wrote. We, as human beings, need to interact with another and need each other to find fulfillment in our lives. So stand for something to build your world of lovers and ‘haters,’ instead of having no supporters or challengers to help you grow.

    3. Let go of the outcome.

    Sometimes we say things or do things because we want to get a certain reaction or action out of people. However, keeping in mind we have no control over anything in life (except for our actions and our responses), why not speak your truth?

    Your body and mind will be grateful because you are being honest with yourself. In the end, whatever happens, you’ve got nothing to lose because you have honored your truth. No regrets.

    “Say what you wanna say, and let the words fall out. I wanna see you be brave.” ~Sara Bareilles, Brave

    Have you ever felt like you were holding back from speaking your truth? What helped you?

    Photo by Leland Francisco

  • The Real Reason Some People Always Seem to Push Your Buttons

    The Real Reason Some People Always Seem to Push Your Buttons

    “Our sorrows and wounds are healed only when we touch them with compassion.” ~Buddha

    I always felt invisible whenever my husband and I got together with a certain couple.

    Every time we saw them, it triggered feelings of rejection because they would go on and on about themselves and never ask about how I was doing or feeling. I went home feeling ignored and sad every time.

    Finally, after putting up with this non-reciprocal relationship for a number of years, I decided that it was best for us to break free from it. 

    For the longest time I couldn’t figure out why this self-absorbed behavior bothered me so much.

    Eventually, the light bulb went off and I realized I kept hoping that one day this couple would validate me, in the same way that I kept hoping and hoping that one day my father would validate me.

    You see, my biggest negative childhood trauma was feeling invisible and unworthy of my father’s love. So anytime someone, like this couple, ignores me and I feel invisible, the little girl inside me feels pain.

    You may have people that trigger the young vulnerable parts of you, leading you to feel unloved, unworthy, and invisible.

    This little girl that is frozen in time in my psyche felt worthless and not enough.

    She eventually had had enough of me ignoring her, and she sought redemption by making me have a two-year battle with depression, anxiety, and panic attacks.

    Antidepressants and therapy took the edge off, but they didn’t heal the source of the hurt.

    I was searching for answers on how to permanently get rid of emotional scars, like a gardener looking for a way to dig up and discard the roots of stubborn weeds. My search ended when I discovered a little known powerful, rapid, and different method of healing emotional scars through self-led re-parenting and unburdening young parts of toxic memories.

    The young parts of you that hold negative emotions of shame, guilt, rejection, abandonment, and unworthiness need the love and reassurance from you that they never got when they first experienced negative events.

    I went back into the old toxic experiences that created the faulty beliefs that I was unlovable, unworthy, and not enough. I “re-parented” that little girl by telling her she is lovable, worthy, and enough.

    I explained to her that Dad didn’t know how to show his love. He was acting from his wounded parts, and that’s why she grew up in an environment that was filled with emotional misery.

    The little girl now understands what happened, and she’s able to believe that she is worthy, enough, and lovable because I told her she was. She is no longer frozen in time and has come into the present with me, where she resides in my heart.

    As a result of loving this young part, I recovered from depression, anxiety, and panic attacks for good.

    I also stepped into my father’s shoes and now know that validating me is something he was not capable of, because of his upbringing. I have forgiven him and now have compassion for him instead of anger.

    I am so thankful that this couple was in my life. They gave me the gift of identifying my most painful emotional wound.

    Who pushes your buttons? What is the gift they are giving you to help you identify your most painful wounds?

    This re-parenting technique that resulted in unconditionally loving myself has positively and permanently shifted my happiness set point and boosted my self-esteem and confidence.

    Nothing is holding me back from being happy now and in the journey to living to my potential and making a difference.

    My wounded part showed up as depression. Your wounded parts may show up as health and weight challenges; addictions such as eating too much, drinking too much, shopping too much, and procrastination; self-sabotage; anger; perfectionism; or overachievement.

    The following steps will help you heal your emotional scars at their source, delete the limiting beliefs that keep you stuck, and reprogram your brain with positive beliefs.

    1. Identify who triggers you.

    Which feelings do they trigger? Who is the parent, teacher, sibling, or old boyfriend/girlfriend with whom you originally felt this way?

    2. Step into this person’s shoes.

    Understand how much pain they are in from their own past. This will help you have compassion for them and forgive them.

    3. Access the young part of you that acquired the faulty beliefs as a result of interactions with this person.

    Examples of faulty negative core beliefs are: “I’m not lovable,” “I’m not enough,” “I’m not worthy,” and “I’ll never amount to anything.”

    4. Recall a scene that made you believe you were bad.

    Be with that part and give it the love and reassurance that it never got when that event happened. Tell it that it is lovable, worthy, and enough. Soak in the image of your loving self of today kissing, loving, and hugging this young part.

    5. Unburden yourself of the original negative feelings and beliefs.

    Imagine the ocean washing away the faulty beliefs of “I’m not lovable,” “I’m not worthy,” and “I’m not enough.” This energetically releases the bad memories and beliefs from your body.

    6. Bring that young part into the present.

    Have it be part of your team to move you forward and be happy.

    Healing myself through this technique has allowed me to create a new narrative for my life story. I now believe the Universe purposely gave me negative experiences for the evolution of my soul.

    These events gave me the gift of finding my life’s calling. 

    You too can figure out your life’s mission by healing your emotional scars first. Then you can figure out the new narrative that helps you make lemonade out of your lemons. As a result, you can live fully with joy and purpose before you die. 

    When you heal the emotional scars that keep you unhappy, you can significantly improve your happiness set point and positively change the course of your life.

    So, if you have people that push your buttons, thank them for being in your life. They are a gift because they help you find the source of your deepest wounds, which hold you back from being shameless and confidently showing up as the happiest version of you.

    Do you have emotional scars that are triggered by certain people?

  • What to Do When People in Your Life Don’t Want to Change

    What to Do When People in Your Life Don’t Want to Change

    Arguing

    “If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.” ~Mary Engelbreit

    We all know at least one person who we think needs a self-help course or book more than we do. They’re the “wrong” ones, at least in our minds.

    I once was in a relationship with a man who seemed to have placed me at the bottom of his priority list. He would always be too busy playing sports or going out with his coworkers to spend time with me.

    I found myself modifying my weekend schedule to match his and becoming anxious when I wasn’t successful. Finding time to be with him had become a source of stress. I used to think that if he changed, our relationship would be perfect and my worry would disappear.

    So I did what many of us do: I suggested he read books about how to be a good partner.

    I expressed that I was feeling neglected in the relationship and assumed he would do something to make me feel better.

    I tried to find solutions so he would be able to continue doing the activities he seemed to love so much and still have time to be with me.

    In short, I placed all my attention on changing what he was or wasn’t doing. I blamed him for my dissatisfaction with the relationship.

    Those were my big mistakes, because I’ve learned that the key isn’t to attempt to control other people’s attitudes or behaviors. The key isn’t to believe that they’re at fault for our negative emotions.

    The key is to assume responsibility for our life circumstances.

    I’ve developed a four-step approach that has helped me let go of the need to change other people: 

    Step 1. Awareness.

    In a universe in which all of us are connected, your conscious and subconscious actions contributed the current state of your relationship.

    You might have acted in ways that conveyed to the other person that he or she could treat you in disrespectful ways, or that you weren’t worthy of love and caring.

    Becoming consciously aware of your thoughts and actions will allow you to ensure that everything you say and do (and let others do) is aligned with your values.

    In my case, if I had become aware that being the last priority in a relationship was unacceptable, I would have exited the relationship before it negatively affected my emotional state.

    Step 2. Growth.

    Even if you think your contribution to the dire state of the relationship is only 10 percent, there is room for learning and growth.

    What have you learned about your way of communicating with others? Are you assertive, or do you usually choose the easiest path of passive aggression, or even blatant aggression?

    What have you learned about your way to react to unacceptable behavior? Do you express your boundaries, or do you seethe in silence hoping that the other person finally “gets it”?

    What have you learned about authenticity and vulnerability? Do you honestly express your feelings, or instead complain about your situation to other people, but pretend everything is great when you are with the person who is the source of your complaints?

    I learned that for me to be satisfied in a romantic relationship, honesty, commitment, and respect are paramount.

    Step 3. Control.

    After you’ve learned from a relationship, you must take ownership for your feelings about the other person’s behavior. It’s your choice whether to let the other person’s actions dictate whether you’re happy or not.

    External occurrences are random and difficult or impossible to control, but your thoughts about your situation are your personal choice.

    Now I know that when someone behaves in unpleasant ways, I have the power to continue enjoying every second of my life.

    Step 4. Trust.

    All human beings have access to the same fountain of wisdom, or human consciousness. This means that you need to trust that those around you will learn their life lessons at their own pace, whenever they are ready.

    You need to remind yourself that it’s not your responsibility to show anyone what he or she needs to learn or to understand. As an innate teacher, this step was one of the hardest for me to take, but once I took it, I gained an amazing sense of peace that I wouldn’t trade for anything.

    Being conscious of our own magnificence includes being conscious of the magnificence of those around you. 

    When people in our life don’t want to change, we change ourselves.

    Photo by Michael Coghlan

  • Create New Opportunities by Challenging Your Judgments and Reactions

    Create New Opportunities by Challenging Your Judgments and Reactions

    New Day

    “Taking responsibility for your beliefs and judgments gives you the power to change them.” ~Byron Katie

    “Alright, it’s time to break into groups,” said the professor.

    Immediately, I thought, “I hate group work. I can’t trust other students.” Before even meeting the other members of the group, I was sabotaging the opportunity with negativity.

    How often do you do this?

    The six of us waited, looking at each other with blank faces.

    “Okay, now it’s time to pick a group leader,” said the professor. “Each group will be assigned a psychologist to present his or her major contributions to psychology. You all have ten minutes to present, no more. AND NO READING OFF POWERPOINT OR NOTECARDS,” he screamed. “We present in four weeks. Be prepared.”

    Without even realizing it, I let out a huge sigh and dug my face into my hands. “Finals, papers, work, and now this?” The moment I realized what I was doing, I was embarrassed, because what kind of body language was I signaling? How automatic was that?

    I took a breath. I thought, “Is this how you want to lead by example? How ridiculous are you acting right now? Look back on your principles and follow them.” And so I did: one of my principles in life is learning how to flip negative situations into positive.

    Adversity is really a challenge in disguise. And challenges build character, facilitate growth, and teach us important lessons in life.

    My professor also said something that motivated me: “Out of all my years of teaching, I have never given a group a 100.”

    Challenge accepted.

    Be Mindful Of Your Default Setting

    David Foster Wallace talked about our “default settings” in his “This Is Water” Kenyon Commencement speech.

    Our default setting is how we react to the events in our lives. When we’re bored, we find solace in our phones. When someone cuts us off on the road, we drive up next to their window to see what they look like. And for me, when told that there is group work, I let out huge sighs and roll my eyes.

    This is, however, something we ought to overcome; we decide what has meaning in our lives or what doesn’t.

    I went home really thinking about this assignment—is this really about getting an A, or is it something more meaningful, like practicing organization, leadership, communication, teamwork, and, most of all, public speaking?

    Throughout our lives we will meet people that we don’t like right away or may be in a situation where we feel uncomfortable

    Instead of reveling in this negativity, it would be infinitely more rewarding to take a step back and realize what we’re telling ourselves about this particular situation or person. Is this how we really want to look at it or perhaps is there another way?

    1. Pause and focus on being mindful.

    Take a breath. What are you telling yourself? What do you feel? Getting to the bottom of your feelings, becoming self-aware, is step one; making the conscious decision to change your mind will be tough but necessary.

    Once you become aware of what you’re telling yourself, only then can you start changing the inner dialogue.

    2. Let go.

    Okay, so there was no way of getting out of this presentation, not unless I was okay with failing the class. So now I accept what I cannot change. What can I do to make this moment better? Keep dancing in my discomfort and insecurities or step up and lead?

    Our default setting is to complain and whine, but we’ve all done this so many times in our lives that it’s obvious it doesn’t lead to anything fruitful. Probably best to do the more difficult task instead.

    Negative Judgment Into Compassion & Humility

    We all, to an extent, judge people automatically. We look at their clothing, body language, skin color, and age. This isn’t necessarily bad; this is just how our minds work. We process and organize information in categories to save mental energy, process new information, avoid danger, or approach new friends.

    But this automatic prejudging could be self-defeating at times. I automatically judged one of my group members to be the least active because of her demanding medical job and being a mother of two.

    And I was dead wrong. They were passionate, organized, and although tired after a long day of work, attentive and committed. I was humbled.

    1. Give chances.

    This is where empathy plays a big role: How would you want to be treated? Would you want strangers to give you a chance or not? From a leadership standpoint, I had no choice but to remove my negative judgments and exercise compassion and humility.

    You will have expectations, sure, but don’t let it cloud your judgment so deeply that you forget you’re working with human beings.

    2. Teamwork is also about compassion and humility.

    Depending on the way you are, working with others is difficult because your ideas get challenged. People may not agree with you, and the very feeling of friction against what you contribute is enough to put you on the defensive.

    The idiosyncratic and often deluded belief that we are the most important and knowledgeable person is something we have to let go. Once I truly embraced the suggestions and feedback from my group members, the presentation evolved in ways I couldn’t have previously imagined.

    Choose What Has Meaning

    After many weeks of rehearsal, I’ve never felt more confident in my group. I reflected on how I was thinking, feeling, and behaving just weeks ago, and I realized how foolish I acted and how I nearly sabotaged a great opportunity to exercise important, fundamental skills in life.

    I learned how to work with other people, how to listen, how to give and take feedback, and how to turn strangers into friends.

    We were the last group to present. One by one groups would go up and follow very similar routines, read off their notecards, and hide behind the podium.

    “Is this what you were so afraid of?” I thought to myself. My group, during our rehearsal, was the complete opposite: strong eye contact, no words on the PowerPoint, barely any notecards, and lots of engagement. How? A lot of practice.

    When it was our turn to present, of course, the fear crept right in; I even saw it in the eyes of my group members. Before we all walked up, I looked at each of them. We didn’t even have to say anything. We all gave each other a little nod, smiled, and walked up to the front of the room.

    One by one, each of us presented our section, and by the end the class roared with applause, even a few murmurs like, “That was the best one.”

    At the end of the class the professor walked up to us and said, “I have a problem with your presentation. You didn’t read off notecards, you didn’t read off the PowerPoint slide, and you didn’t have blocks of text on it either. I’m going to have to give you all a 100.”

    My group jumped with joy, hugging one another and congratulating each other. As I was soaking in the moment I thought, “See? What were you afraid of? Why those negative judgments? Look at what was accomplished and how it was done. Now apply this in other areas of your life.”

    To me, this wasn’t so much about the grade, although I originally believed it to be. No, the real joy was the experience of overcoming my fear of public speaking, turning strangers into friends, exercising teamwork, leadership, humility, and compassion.

    The challenge, of course, is applying this same mindset to new and upcoming endeavors. It’s easy to fall back on our default setting without being aware of it, but the more we practice mindfulness, the more likely it will become our new default setting.

    Just imagine if I stuck to my default setting? Imagine if I let negativity overwhelm me and guide my actions? This experience, this story, would have ceased to exist. So would the lessons that I’ve shared.

    Photo by Alejandra Mavroski

  • Focus on Yourself Instead of Trying to Change Someone Else

    Focus on Yourself Instead of Trying to Change Someone Else

    “If you can’t change the circumstances, change your perspective.” ~Unknown

    I was the one who was the designated driver in high school and college. I wanted to be in control of how I arrived and left a party. Besides, the taste of alcohol did not please, so it was a win-win situation in my mind.

    Then, a decade later, I found myself dating someone who was addicted to drugs. I thought if he could just hang around me, see how I found joy without being altered by substances and bask in my love, then he could stay sober.

    In the midst of it, I didn’t see that I wanted to have control over him.

    I didn’t see that my annoyance with his victim mentality, blaming external relationships and circumstances for his situation, reflected my own victim mentality and judgment.

    And the joy I wanted him to emulate from me was really just tears of the clown, because I wasn’t aligned with my true self.

    Pain is a Mirror Image

    The pain I felt was a mirror to his pain. He felt shame and judged himself harshly for using; I felt shame and judged myself harshly for not being where I thought I should be in my career, and for the way I looked as I packed on the pounds of responsibility he never asked me to take.

    It wasn’t until I gave up on wanting him to change that I found peace. I realized I wasn’t in pain because I loved this person. I was in pain because he wasn’t acting how I wanted him to act. I was in pain because I deemed a specific path to joy and expansion, and he wasn’t taking it.

    Accept the Other, Accept Yourself

    After I realized that I could be at peace by accepting who he was and his choices, I could finally accept my responsibility for our relationship and for bringing him into my life. I decided to love him for the being he was, and most importantly, to love myself.

    My relief was astounding. I started meditating daily and allowed myself to listen to my truth. I let go of the weight of trying to be his savior, and that translated into inches off of my body. It was like dense matter had seamlessly transformed into light.

    When I began to love myself, I empowered myself to make healthy choices. Since I knew I couldn’t change him, I figured out that it was my preference to no longer be around that environment. So I decided to leave it.

    I understood that he used drugs to obtain relief and to be soothed from his troubles, which is what we all try to do in different forms when we experience that contrast from where we are and where we want to be.

    But I was closing that contrast gap for myself, and where I was and where he was energetically could not be in the same space for too long. I was still there for him as a friend, but as I grew one way our phone conversations became less and less.

    This man has been one of my greatest teachers. He recently passed away, and ever since I learned of this, I have been hearing one of his favorite songs consistently on the radio, Levon, written by Elton John and Bernie Taupin.

    This teacher of mine used to sit in his favorite chair and laugh and cry to that song. The protagonist, Levon, was a man seeped in tradition. He was born poor, and once he started making money, he became attached to it.

    My ex saw himself as Levon’s son, who would blow up balloons all day (how his father made money) and watch them fly away. The son was a dreamer who wanted to go to Venus.

    My friend, my love, did fly away in his physical form. I don’t know the circumstances that surrounded his death. I think he finally found in the non-physical what I learned to do in the physical—to love himself and find relief.

    Getting to That Better Feeling Place

    If you too are waiting on someone else, hoping they’ll change and realize their “potential,” and you’re feeling miserable as a result, it may help to do the following:

    1. Realize that the only person you can change is yourself.

    You can be a guide and an example, but ultimately change comes from within.

    2. Accept the situation didn’t “just happen to you.”

    You made a choice to enter this situation. When you accept responsibility for your part, thoughts, and reactions, you will be empowered to transform.

    3. Accept the person for who they are and where they are.

    By doing this, you will be living in the present moment and not putting blame for what happened yesterday and creating stories about what could happen in the future.

    4. Connect with the feeling of relief.

    Realize that underneath it all, the person is just trying to feel better, even though it might be in a harmful way, and you don’t approve of their choices.

    5. Write down your dreams and preferences.

    Focus on your inner world and what thoughts bring you to a place of joy. Decide how you choose to live and what’s healthy for you.

    6. Be consistent.

    And after you make this a consistent practice, the situation must change—either the person will start moving to where you are, or you will exit each other’s lives.

    —

    I certainly needed to take these steps and learn these lessons. I learned from him to go to Venus and dream. To listen to my true self and to follow a path that was aligned with thoughts of joy and smiles of inspiration.

    When I became clear on my dreams and aligned with them, that gave me the motivation to move by the ocean and to take the first steps to leaving a legal career behind. I finally accepted myself. I finally felt like I knew who I was.

    I am so grateful for where I am now, and I thank him for nudging me out of my comfort zone and for helping me learn acceptance, allowance, and awareness of who I really am. And now when I find myself thinking thoughts of those opposites, I can now blow up balloons, put those thoughts in them, and watch them fly away—with a smile, in my favorite chair.

  • The Secret to Getting Along With Your Parents

    The Secret to Getting Along With Your Parents

    Family

    “My experience is that the teachers we need most are the people we’re living with right now.” ~Byron Katie

    Nothing hurts like being misunderstood, and there is no place that this feeling runs rampant quite like it does with family.

    I used to think I was the only one.

    For years after I moved out, each visit back home would be preceded by careful, specific preparation. I would try to brace myself for whatever would be coming my way.

    I would spend the entire two-hour bus ride turning all of the possible criticisms and probable arguments over and over in my head. I would rehearse ways I could react to various imagined scenarios.

    I thought preparing myself would soften the blows. It didn’t.

    Ram Dass once said, “If you think you are enlightened, go and spend a week with your parents.”

    Imagine my embarrassment and hopelessness at thinking I’d finally cracked the secrets of peace and happiness, only to find myself welling up with the same old anger and resentment each time I faced my closest relatives.

    Even after I began a journey of personal and spiritual growth, visits back home were toxic.

    I would prepare. I’d show up. They would judge me. I’d react. Then, I would judge myself for letting their judgment get to me. Then, they’d judge me for letting it get to me. Then, I’d judge them for judging me. It would be a giant, exhausting mess.

    Each time I returned home, I would be exhausted and wondering how I’d ever lived with these people in the first place.

    One day, in the midst of recovering from such a visit, I found myself in an intimate conversation with a friend about beauty. She shared with me how she sometimes felt so disgusted by her reflection that she could hardly function.

    I empathized, letting her know that I had suffered with that severity of self-hatred for close to ten years.

    I said, “You know what I’ve learned? It wasn’t my reflection that was hurting me. It was my expectation that, every time I looked in the mirror, I would discover someone else, some other person who wasn’t me. Jennifer Aniston maybe? But Jennifer Aniston never showed up. It was always just same, old me. That was what really hurt—the expectation that was never met.”

    Immediately after the words poured out of my mouth, my mind lit on fire.

    I realized, with stark clarity, that the same relationship I used to have with my reflection, I was having with my parents. I kept showing up, time after time, expecting different people to magically appear.

    I kept expecting that they would change.

    When I told my partner about my epiphany later that evening, he looked amused. I asked him why he was smiling like that.

    He told me, “This is what I’ve been trying to tell you. I’ve definitely said this to you. Many times! You’ve said it to me too!”

    I was surprised, but not for long. I thought about my relationship with myself and how I’d heard messages of self-love, self-acceptance, and self-forgiveness, but it took me years to truly internalize them. Maybe that’s how it was with my parents. It wasn’t that I didn’t know the answer. I just had to be ready to experience it.

    The next time I went home, it was like a whole new world. I didn’t brace myself for criticism, nor did I plan my words. I just showed up with the assumption that, maybe, they would never change.

    This simple belief completely transformed my relationship with them. Suddenly, I could see them for who they were. They were, and always will be, flawed and beautiful, just like me.

    I could suddenly smile at their criticism and laugh at their judgment. I could embrace them even if they didn’t feel like embracing me. I could understand them even if they misunderstood me.

    I used to think that people who had good relationships with their parents had perfect parents.

    That’s just not true.

    People who get along with their parents have just as many family conflicts as anyone else. They just choose to accept those conflicts as part of life, and love their kin anyway.

    For me, learning to accept my family, just as they are, opened up new doors of opportunity.

    Right after I started practicing understanding and acceptance toward them, I got the inspiration to work on a book. I got the passion to start my own business. I got the courage to speak my message loudly.

    All these things happened within a few months of my epiphany, and I can’t pretend that the timing was a coincidence.

    I honestly believe that our expectations of our families, our own judgments about them, hold us back in ways we can’t even imagine. I honestly believe that, if you can learn to love your parents, just as they are, you’ll unlock boundless potential within you. I truly believe that this is the one missing piece that most people don’t realize is missing.

    Of course, it’s not easy. Nothing worth having is easy, but it’s always simple.

    And this is my simple message, today and forever: accept and allow. That is the path toward peace, love, and serenity.

    Photo by pilostic

  • How to Strengthen Relationships by Releasing Fear and Control

    How to Strengthen Relationships by Releasing Fear and Control

    “To cure jealousy is to see it for what it is: a dissatisfaction with self.” ~Joan Didion

    When I was a young man I had an issue with relationships. Looking back now, it is easy to see that I had low self-esteem, though I could not see it at the time. Because of my low self-image and my neediness, many relationships that could have had a decent chance went by the way side.

    I developed a low-level anxiety about how much any girlfriend cared for me, which, in turn, became outright jealousy and resulted in controlling behavior.

    I would worry that my girlfriend was going to leave me for another man, and would then become aggressive, starting arguments. I would act out when she wanted to go out with her friends. If we went out together, I would fly into a rage when we got home if she had so much as glanced at other men.

    Of course, all of this behavior was about demanding, without explicitly saying it, that she demonstrated how much she loved me. This was because, despite all the evidence to the contrary, I believed she did not.

    Ironically, the more she showed me she loved me, the less I believed her.

    So I became more controlling. I decided I was the victim and became moody, sulky, withdrawn, and passive-aggressive, yet again manipulating my environment to get the attention I craved.

    Negative attention was better than nothing. Yet if I lost all attention because of my behavior, I was okay with that. I would have preferred be alone and know I was right than be in a relationship and live with the fear that I was not good enough. But once I was alone again, I wanted a relationship to prove that I was lovable.

    My Fear

    I tried to control the fear that I was unlovable by controlling the person I loved. I even took to confronting men who I saw as a threat to us as couple.

    By threatening and controlling other men, I could control my girlfriend and thus control my own fear. It seemed logical at the time.

    As you may have guessed, it had the opposite effect. My attempts to control the women I dated ended up driving them away. Either they would end the relationship, or I would before they did. (It felt better to end it before they had the chance, proving the very thing I was trying to disprove.)

    Sometimes my behavior drove them toward other men. I made them feel so unsafe that the only safe way to leave me was to have some protection in the form of another man. Thus was fulfilled the ultimate in self-fulfilling prophecies.

    Then one day, after a lengthy period of learning and reflecting on the repetitive patterns in my relationships, I decided to grow up.

    I realized that I could not control my girlfriends and that trying to control them had the opposite effect. I also realized:

    • We have no control over others. In fact, control is often an illusion.
    • We can’t make someone love us by fearing that they won’t.
    • Fearing that someone may be unfaithful will not ensure that they won’t be.

    I realized that letting go of control was the safest option, for me and for everyone else. I also recognized that my fear was often greater than the things I worried about, and that I needed to deal with it.

    Lastly, I realized that I needed to learn to love myself and stop expecting others to do something I wasn’t doing for myself.

    As a result of some intense personal development work, I started to love myself. I started to acknowledge and appreciate my strengths and validate myself in the way I’d hoped others would; in turn, my fear subsided and has all but left.

    Now I choose to trust my girlfriend. I have no more control over her than if I chose to be suspicious, needy, and fearful. In essence, I am choosing to be happy. By choosing to trust her I remove the fear, let go of control, and start to enjoy the relationship for what it is.

    We can choose to live in fear or not—that’s something we can control. And we can also control if we choose to be miserable or happy. I chose happy.

    Photo by Emiliano Horcada

  • Dealing with Difficult People: 5 Effective, Compassionate Practices

    Dealing with Difficult People: 5 Effective, Compassionate Practices

    “Whatever you fight, you strengthen, and what you resist, persists.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    It’s morning; you’re in a great mood. You’re relaxed and have plenty of time to practice your morning routine. After a delicious breakfast, you head out to start your day. Then it happens: You encounter a difficult person, and your calm turns to calamity.

    We all have encounters with people who prefer to stay miserable, making everything difficult. They exist, and perhaps there was a time in your past when you once where one of those negative people. Perhaps you still can be at times.

    As a former miserable person, I know it was my inability to handle my mental and emotional states that kept me oozing all over others. I felt so disconnected from life, living obsessively in my mind, that I truly felt helpless.

    Most often that helplessness manifested into continuous critiquing, judging, anger, and sometimes even pure rage. I was unwilling to take full responsibility for my relationship to life. I wanted peace, joy, and harmony, but I was unwilling to do the necessary work to experience them.

    Difficult people are demanding. They demand something from the external world in hopes of filling the disconnection and restlessness they feel within. Whether they are demanding our attention, a certain action or reaction, or a particular outcome, the root of their behavior is a demand for something other than what is.

    Difficult people haven’t yet learned to take responsibility for their whole selves—mind, body, and spirit. Feeling disconnected and restless gives rise to their need to argue, judge, critique, and tweak everyone around them.

    Their inability to handle themselves adds fuel to the fire, which perpetuates their harshness.

    Underneath their personality is a feeling of being separate and a desperate plea for help.

    We can’t change another and we can’t make someone want to change. The only way we can help is by being true to our self, finding our power within, and being an example of wholeness.

    Here are a few practices I’ve found useful, loving, and extremely effective.

    1. Be still and ground yourself.

    Naturally, when we are confronted with a rude, irritable, or irate person, we tend to avoid them. We think that if we avoid them they will go away, or at least we hope they will. The truth is that, although this may happen, it is much more likely that they won’t until we learn an alternate way of dealing with them.

    Negative energy has a force and it can knock us on our butt, usually in the form of us engaging in toxic behavior. If we are not grounded, we may find ourselves arguing, judging, or stomping out of the room.

    Making sure we are firmly planted in our body enables us to look the person in the eye and be completely present. It gives us the opportunity to remain calm and pause rather than engage in behavior we may later regret.

    2. Look them directly in the eyes.

    Darkness, negativity, can’t stand light, so it can’t remain in the light. Looking someone directly in his or her eyes dispels darkness. Your light pierces through the superficial persona to their being.

    When I practice this tool one of two things always happens:

    • The person walks away or stops talking.
    • The conversation takes a more positive direction.

    We all want to be seen, from the cashier at Target to our spouse. Taking the time to look at someone offers them the greatest gift we have to offer: connection.

    Try it as an experiment and see what happens.

    3. Listen to understand.

    I find that whenever a difficult person confronts me, I automatically tense up and mentally consider my defense. When I am calm and open-minded, I know that I never have to defend myself, ever.

    The most effective way to diffuse a difficult person is to truly listen to what they are trying to say, which means keeping my mouth closed and hearing them all the way through.

    Whether or not I agree with them is irrelevant, and I certainly don’t need to let them know what I think. I can listen and get back to them if necessary such as with a spouse, co-worker or friend.

    I find the following responses to be most effective:

    “Let me get back to you on that.”

    “You could be right.”

    When a person is being difficult, it is because they are responding to their perceived reality rather than what is going on in the moment. Often times their frustration has very little to do with us.

    I find when someone’s reaction seems over the top for the situation that repeating the same response diffuses the situation.

    4. Learn when to be silent.

    Some people are extremely closed-minded and impossible to talk to, but we need to speak to them. When I find myself in a situation with someone who just can’t hear me in the moment, I don’t force the issue. Trying to get my point across to someone that can’t hear me only escalates the situation. Sometimes the clearest form of communication is silence.

    At a later time I can revisit the conversation with the person and communicate what needs to be said. Regardless of the person’s response, I can share my feelings and thoughts and let go of the outcome. Focusing on them responding a certain way only results in two difficult people unable to accept what is.

    5. Be honest with yourself.

    If we are repeatedly in a situation with someone who is abusive verbally, physically, and/or emotionally, we must stop trying to change him or her. If we find we are practicing a spiritual way of life and someone close to us isn’t changing, it may be time to get honest with our self and find out what is really going on.

    The question of whether or not to end a relationship with a difficult person, whether a friendship, work or romantic relationship, can only come from within you.

    If you can honestly say you have done what you know to do, have asked for help from a friend or professionally and nothing is changing, then its time to go within for the answer and trust what you find.

    On the other side of a difficult person is an opportunity to grow.

    No matter what we are presented with in life, we have an opportunity to choose more or less responsibility. Remembering that true responsibility is our ability to respond in the moment.

    Of course, this takes practice and is not easy. However, as we take more and more responsibility for our life, circumstances and people lose their power over us. We learn to choose our responses moment by moment, no longer being dragged around by emotions, thoughts, or circumstances created by another or our self.

  • How to Love More and Hurt Less in Relationships

    How to Love More and Hurt Less in Relationships

    “Our interactions with one another reflect a dance between love and fear.” ~Ram Dass

    In my personal experience, I’ve learned that it is sometimes easier to dance this journey of life solo rather than in partnership. Many of us have experienced life both in relationships and outside of them. Both are just as sweet.

    I’d like to offer up some lessons I have learned in my dance in and out of relationships:

    1. They are not meant to last forever.

    Our society seems to put a lot of pressure on the idea that things will last forever. But the truth is, everything is impermanent.

    After a recent breakup, I found myself feeling as though I had failed the relationship. Then I stepped outside of my conditioned thinking and discovered that love and failure do not reside together. For when you have loved, you have succeeded, every time.

    It was Wayne Dyer that introduced me to the rather practical concept that “not every relationship is meant to last forever.” What a big burden off my back! Of all the souls hanging out on this planet, it seems to make sense that we might have more than one soul mate floating around.

    Relationships can be our greatest teachers; it is often through them that we discover the most about ourselves. In relationships, we are provided with an opportunity to look into a mirror, revealing what we need to work on as individuals in order to be the best version of ourselves.

    Each relationship will run its course, some a few weeks, months, years, or even a lifetime. This is the unknown that we all leap into.

    2. Attachment is often the cause of suffering.

    We sometimes cling to people in an attempt to hold them closer, but this often pushes them further away.

    In love there is nothing to grasp; it is so expansive that trying to capture it is like trying to capture water with a net. When we attempt to control where a relationship is going, we become disconnected with the sweetness of the moment.

    Ram Dass shared one of the most exquisite paradoxes: “As soon as you can give it all up, you can have it all.”

    It is silly to think that we can own someone’s love, but many of us have tried to do it.

    I often find myself fantasizing about how my future will unfold with a new partner, but it is in that moment when I fall out of the present.

    We have the opportunity to surrender to the natural flow of relationships, letting go of our proposed outcomes and taking ourselves out of the driver seat.

    This means being fully present in moments of intense love, conflict, uncertainty, vulnerability, and joy.

    3. Being vs. doing.

    In the beginning of relationships, we strive to show up as our best selves, hoping to impress the other person and to receive their love in return. In most cases, we are focused on doing simply because we want to make an outstanding impression on the person we fancy.

    But if you’re anything like me, being and doing are extremely hard to keep up at the same time.

    In relationships there is work, but there isn’t much we have to actively do. In fact, doing can often be associated with attempting to control a situation.

    The place where we should hang out is in the being. Being allows us to show up as our authentic selves. When we show up as humans being, something magical happens. Being is our natural state. Love thrives in this space.

    4. Allow for change.

    Don’t be attached to any particular way your partner is showing up each day. Change is inevitable. As humans being, we are constantly growing and discovering new passions and experiences.

    For example, next week your partner might wake up with the realization that they want to leave their job as a lawyer and become a yoga instructor. How will you respond? The news might be shocking and somewhat unusual, but change happens. The question is, can you allow space for that?

    Oftentimes it is harder to embrace change within others than it is to accept within ourselves. If you are anything like me, consistency is super important; however, completely unrealistic. Someone once told me “you are consistent with your inconsistency.” I initially took this as an insult, but now I see it as a practical strength. It shows movement and willingness to change.

    —

    Love is the greatest dance in life. Surrender to each step. Hold your partner close to your heart, but don’t grasp. If we can allow ourselves to enter into partnerships with this awareness, it may dramatically shift the way we see and experience relationships and love.

    Couple image here

  • Learning to Forgive Our Imperfect Parents for Their Mistakes

    Learning to Forgive Our Imperfect Parents for Their Mistakes

    Parents

    TRIGGER WARNING: This post deals with an account of physical abuse and may be triggering to some people.

    “Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them.” ~Oscar Wilde

    I couldn’t tell you if Oscar Wilde’s quote is entirely accurate. You see, my biological parents abandoned me and left me with my grandparents at birth.

    Growing up with grandma and grandpa was the best childhood I could have ever imagined, and I didn’t miss my biological parents at all. I guess in that sense they were my parents, and perhaps Oscar Wilde’s point is correct.

    However, my biological parents eventually came back. During the summer before my fourteenth birthday, my parents came and took me “home.”

    I didn’t know much about my new parents, but within a few days here’s what I did know…

    Mom and Dad didn’t love each other.

    They argued every single day, putting each other down in ways no child should ever hear. Their unhappiness toward one another would often times escalate from verbal abuse to physical fighting, and when their fight was over, the final punishment always landed on me.

    Perhaps it was because I couldn’t stand seeing the anger, violence, and sadness. I couldn’t stand seeing my father beat up my mother, so I would get into the middle of their arguments to stop the fight, even if it meant getting beat up myself.

    The days and nights were filled with chaos. I felt like I was walking on eggshells, not knowing when one parent was going to explode and punish me for their bad marriage. My fear turned into anger, and the anger brewed to a boil inside me. I couldn’t continue living like this.

    Arguments and beatings went on for years until I finally collapsed and I ran away from home.

    As expected, both my parents disowned me the moment I left the house.

    In fact, my mother was so mad she didn’t even allow me to come back and pick up any of my belongings. At seventeen years of age, I left to start a new life with my backpack and one set of clothes.

    When I left home I was still in high school. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but the risk of going back was far greater. I made up my mind and there was no way I could ever go back. To me, our relationship was over.

    Luckily, my best friend’s parents opened their door to me. They let me stay in their home until I graduated high school. I got a part-time job to help contribute. Things were looking up, but inside I was building resentment and blame toward my parents for putting me in this situation.

    For years after high school graduation and into college, I continued to blame my parents for not having enough food to eat, clothes to wear, and somewhere to belong.

    I blamed them for everything.

    I had made a promise to never talk to them again, and I kept that promise for seven long years. But as time passed and life experiences taught me new lessons, I learned that resentment and blame were emotions that hold and push you down, never to let go.

    Like it or not, it was time for me to let go and forgive.

    I’m not going to say it was easy, nor am I going to say I didn’t have doubts throughout the entire process.

    But I eventually learned to stop blaming my parents for my life. It was like a load of bricks was off my back. I was finally free from this emotion that I had carried with me and which had shaped my life for so long.

    Learning to let go and forgive taught me that:

    Parents also hurt.

    Sometimes we forget that our parents have lived a life and have had struggles too. We don’t always know about their pains and sorrows. I see now that I have the ability to help them overcome and grow.

    No one is perfect.

    We’re not perfect, so why expect our parents to be? Parents make mistakes too. Of course violence is not excusable, but people make mistakes, and we cannot hold a grudge forever.

    Forgive them.

    It wasn’t easy for me to forgive my parents, but forgiving them gave me peace in my heart. When we hold anger inside of us, we’re the ones that get hurt the most.

    Take the initiative.

    I wanted a relationship with my parents, and so it was I who needed to take the first step and reach out to them. We have to be the ones to step up and harvest it, otherwise, who ever will?

    Build trust.

    Rebuilding trust when there was none (or very little) to begin with is a difficult process that’s going to take time. There’s no secret or shortcut. Get right into it and start by being honest with one another, even if it hurts.

    Stop judging.

    I would always ask myself why they couldn’t be better and listen, care, and love. I had to learn to accept them for who they were. As soon as I was able to accept them as my parents, and accept them for who they were, I was able to accept myself for who I was.

    In the end, all you can do is try. There are no guarantees.

    Before making the decision to call I prepared myself as best as I could for total rejection, and at the same time I defined what a win would look like—what could happen that would make it all worth it. All I could hope for was a small token of reciprocation.

    So, after seven years I picked up the phone and called my parents. We shared a thirty-minute phone call, first with my dad and lastly with my mom. To my surprise, there was no anger, just sadness. They listened more than they spoke, and I could feel that they were hurt because they had hurt me.

    I could see that they had changed, and perhaps it was only then that they were ready for this call.

    I hung up and could feel a sense of relief take over, and I knew this was only the beginning.

    I realize now that change must go both ways. And, if your parents are still abusive and are not ready, or are not willing to be ready, then you must go on with your life. Your life cannot wait.

    Today my parents and I have an open relationship. It’s still a work in progress, but I believe it’s something worth working for. We all have changed for the better, and I am certain this was how it had to be.

    I forgive them for all they did and accept them for who they are.

    If you have resentment toward your parents, what’s preventing you from forgiving them?

    Photo by Belezza87

  • The Blessing of a Broken Heart: How Pain Can Lead to Healing

    The Blessing of a Broken Heart: How Pain Can Lead to Healing

    Broken Heart

    “Never fear shadows. They simply mean there’s a light shining somewhere nearby.” ~Ruth E. Renkel

    My last breakup was on April 16th, 2012.

    I remember the date because on the evening of April 17th, as I sat with a blotchy red face and tears in my eyes, my dad told me I soon would remember that day and be glad I was no longer sad. “Men are like buses,” he said. “If one leaves you behind, rest assured another will come.”

    I found his support very touching, but it did little to console me. If this guy was a bus, it was the bus I wanted to be on, period. That day, on my dad’s couch for the second night in a row, I slept a total of an hour and cried for about eight.

    I found the breakup pretty surprising and abrupt. After not more than a strange feeling, and a day during which I sensed an uncomfortable distance, I said to my then boyfriend, “I feel that you might not be in love with me,” to which he responded, “Maybe.”

    Boy, did I feel like a fool. What got to me the most was discovering he’d felt that way for a while but hadn’t said anything. There I was, thinking he loved me, and there he was, waiting for me to what, wise up?

    It was harsh to say the least. My feeling was that he didn’t even care enough to bring it up.

    The following weeks were pretty dreary. I sobbed in the shower, sobbed at home, sobbed while I was working, and felt that my worth was at zero. I’d been dropped like a hot potato by someone that knew me; that had me!

    We’ve all been there, left by someone to whom we attributed a big part of our identity, someone who confirmed us as worthy of love and partnership. To different degrees, we all recover, meet someone new, and perhaps go through variations of the same ordeal later on.

    I’d been through breakups before, and painful ones at that. But at some point, in the fog of this loss, I got the feeling that rather than this one being something I had to get over, it was one I had to get, as in understand, beyond the corroboration or mending of my bruised ego.

    I avoided the traditional post-breakup ranting to friends. It didn’t feel right, and there was little room for trash talking since I couldn’t see the inherent wrong in his change of heart or mind. That led me to suspect that the real source of my pain was absolutely inside of me.

    I wanted to go there; I was on a mission. Determined to find the gold, I decided to put myself through a daily routine of questions regarding the source of my pain.

    I first asked myself if it was really that surprising that the relationship had ended. Were things really going so well that it would make zero sense for this person to choose to end things? The answer was, unequivocally, no.

    We had actually been growing apart. We had fundamental differences in opinion, which had an impact on the development of our relationship; we experienced incompatibility in our rhythm of communication; and our expectations of what it meant to be with someone were different.

    On several occasions I actually found myself wanting out, wanting to not feel the potency of loneliness in the company of another; I just kept it to myself. That kind of blew me out of the water: I’d been feeling that way for a while too, and, I too hadn’t addressed it.

    Once that little nugget came to light, I found my assumptions regarding his approach to breaking up were, at best, doubtful. I couldn’t sensibly hold them against him, or myself for that matter. I had to let my resentment toward the manner of the breakup go. I couldn’t be angry with him.

    Lack of presence can create a disconnect between actual experience and fantasy or expectation. It certainly did for me. There’s what I had, and what I demanded it become, and it was my relationship to the latter that I was most attached to.

    Another step in my recovery was accepting that I was most upset about breaking up with my fantasy and my expectation, not with the real, flesh and blood person, and certainly not with the strained relationship.

    Then there was the matter of low self-worth. How could my self-worth be challenged by my worth to someone else? As it turned out, my low self-worth hadn’t actually been engendered by the breakup but rather exposed. It was there all along, supplemented by the relationship.

    The worthiness I had found in the relationship had little to do with self-worth and everything to do with my reliance on someone else’s evaluation of me.

    While I was looking outward for sources of acceptance, affection, validation, and understanding, I could have been looking inward and cultivating the one relationship through which life is experienced, the one with yours truly.

    It was bittersweet to learn of this. It gave the situation meaning and a powerful possibility for growth and wellness. I was still grieving, but I realized that what I was grieving was the tragedy of abandoning myself.

    I decided to go right ahead and feel it all, with the condition that I keep a watchful eye on the narratives that came up. It was important to remain clear about what it was that was really hurting rather than letting the inner storyteller convince me that I had just lost the love of my life.

    Then again, I had indeed lost sight of the love of my life for a while. This was more a case of mistaken identity, because really, what is the love of your life if not your own love?

    I chose the path of natural grieving, and by doing so I became present to myself and acutely aware of how important my well-being is to me.

    If I was grieving my own abandoning so deeply, then I did have deep love, tenderness, affection, and care for myself. I had so desperately needed my own company and acceptance that when the relationship curtain was pulled, the sight of the neglect was unbearable.

    Little by little that presence, awareness, and allowance gave way to trust and safety within on a level I hardly thought possible. I was able to stand by myself, with all that meant, my ups and downs, my strengths and weaknesses.

    I haven’t since looked at romantic relationships in the same way. I haven’t since looked at any kind of relationship in the same way.

    I still remember the night of April 16th as a sad and painful one, but as the distance between me and that night has grown, a fuller picture has come into view that leaves me utterly indebted and grateful to the events that came to pass.

    The night of April 16th was a rude awakening to a reality that demanded and ignited an important part of my healing—one that, in all likelihood, saved my life. I was blessed.

    A Course in Miracles says that we are never upset for the reason we think. Just as words point toward something but aren’t themselves what they mention, the happenings in our lives and our reactions to them point to greater truths, but aren’t themselves the truth.

    If we take it upon ourselves to see what inside of us they are pointing toward, all grievances become opportunities to heal and love ourselves.

    Photo by Sandy Manase

  • We’re Not Against Each Other: Choosing Cooperation Over Competition

    We’re Not Against Each Other: Choosing Cooperation Over Competition

    Holding Hands

    “If you light a lamp for someone else, it will also brighten your path.” ~Buddha

    It’s long been declared that the nature of life is based on survival of the fittest; that we all must constantly compete to survive.

    And maybe, in some ways this is true.

    But what if there were another truth, something that is even more powerful than competition?

    What if cooperation is our true natural state?

    Consider this: love is more powerful than hate.

    Hope is more powerful than fear.

    And if we believe in love and hope, then we believe in the power of unity. We believe in the force of positive energy.

    In my own life, I have experienced the power of cooperation. I know how much better life feels when I choose to work with rather than against the people in my world.

    When I am willing to find ways to communicate, to release blame and criticism, to connect with the people I share this life with, I open myself to more joy and ease.

    When I slip into the mindset of competing with my husband for who has more free time, or who has contributed more to our family, or who has initiated more acts of kindness, I feel detached, separate, and pretty horrible.

    This is the underlying effect of competition; we envision ourselves as separate. We lose touch with our interconnectedness, our wholeness, our oneness.

    I notice this with my children. When my girls are expressing angst toward one another, I recognize that their antagonistic behavior is not so much about being mean or hateful, but rather a request for attention.

    They each want to know that they matter, that they are a valuable part of their family, that they are connected with the people upon whom they rely for nurturing.

    It seems to me that perhaps competitive nature is not so much the natural state of being, but rather a result of feeling disconnected from the security and certainty of being part of something greater than ourselves.

    I think, in fact, that cooperation is our true nature. We must work together to survive, to thrive, to grow, to evolve.

    Not one of us is an island; we know this for sure. But how often do we contemplate the interconnectedness of our lives with every other thing on this planet—even with those from the past and those who will exist in the future?

    In the culture where I live, I have seen the idolization of independence, the heralding of the individual as paramount above community, the applause given to those who stand out. 

    Many claim that these individuals have made their own success and become who they are because of their tenacity and brilliance. And yes, there is something to be said about focus and determination.

    But even more, we must recognize that an individual’s success is the result of being part of community.

    Malcolm Gladwell explained this so eloquently in Outliers: The Story of Success, “No one—not rock stars, not professional athletes, not software billionaires, and not even geniuses—ever makes it alone.”

    The truth is, we are all connected, and this really is a good thing.

    As a mama who practices attachment parenting, I have long believed that creating a strong bond between parent and child is essential to building a foundation of trust, security, and confidence. I did not ever consider that this attachment theory can be expanded to include all of our relationships.

    Recently I read Hold Me Tight, by Dr. Sue Johnson, in which she clearly elucidates how vital it is for humans to create and nurture attachments to the people in our lives. In fact, these attachments are absolutely essential to our wellness, our ability to thrive, our very existence.

    In her writing, Dr. Johnson shatters the notion that being attached to someone, whether a partner, a parent, a child, or a friend, is a negative or weak state of being. Attachment theory teaches us that relying on someone for support and love is the essence of our nature.

    Some wonder if being attached may cause us to suffer, but if we are able and willing to let go of relationships when they run their course, attachment does not have to lead to suffering. Honoring the essential nature of change in our lives will help us surrender to releasing a relationship when the time is right.

    No matter what, it’s good, even necessary, to be attached to others.

    Cooperation truly is our natural state of being.

    This is not to say that competition does not have its place in our experience. Sometimes a competitive attitude can be useful, but for the progress of life on our planet, we must learn to embrace a new truth: we are one.

    Truly, the more we learn to attach to others, to rely openheartedly on our community, to accept our interconnectedness with grace and joy, the more we will thrive as we move forward.

    I remember watching Tom Shadyac’s revolutionary film I Am a few years back and being so moved and excited. This brilliant documentary unveils the truth that even in nature, there is an innate sense of cooperation among animals.

    The film reminds us that as we choose unity, we elevate the energy and consciousness of life on our planet. We give ourselves an opportunity to live in greater harmony with our environment and with one another.

    I know this may be challenging for some to accept. There are many individuals in my life who absolutely disagree with me. And that’s okay, too. Still, I know what I believe. And I release the need to be right. Instead, I invite us all to question what we believe and to ponder what could be rather than what has been.

    So even though a dear relative recently expressed to me that competition will always be the nature of life, that aggression and violence are the most basic actions of all creatures on the planet, that we must know how to protect ourselves in order to stay alive in the midst of any chaos that could ensue from natural disasters…

    I still believe in unity.

    I recognize that the way humans have existed (for the most part) up until this point has been competitive in nature. We have compared, judged, struggled, oppressed, conquered, and still we strive. And yet, there have also been moments of grace and inspiration throughout time.

    Consider the gracious and giving heart of Mother Teresa, the desire to free people from the belief of separateness that MLK, Jr. heralded, of Gandhi’s willingness to put others before his own needs.

    Even consider the everyday people who are living from a place of love—people all over the world are awakening and elevating their consciousness, choosing to be of service, to give, to embody pure love.

    I see it in the communities flourishing around me where people exchange time rather than money for services.

    I see it in the way organizations are shifting their paradigm of business to make giving back a priority.

    I see it in the countless people coming together who recognize the value of caring for our environment and our planet.

    I see it in the kindness people express with a smile as they pass one another on the street.

    Cooperation is anything and everything that helps us feel connected, part of something meaningful. It can be a thought, a touch, a glance, an act, a memory. There are infinite ways of being in this world. Imagine if we made being kind the most important.

    In his interview about the most astounding fact in his studies of astrophysics, Dr. Neil DeGrasse Tyson stated, “We all just want to be part of something bigger than us, to feel that sense of connectivity…”

    And I agree. Life is meaningful when we share it with others.

    So I ask you this: What could happen if we transform our reality, even just our perception of it?

    What could happen if we embody the practice of cooperation? Of giving and receiving with an open heart. Of feeling good enough just as we are. Of practicing kindness. Of sharing love. Of truly being the change we wish to see in the world.

    Most of us want to live in a world where peace prevails, but are we actually practicing peace in our lives?

    Are we aware of when we think critically or judgmentally, about others or ourselves?

    Are we aware of when we pull away from the people we love the most out of anger or fear or frustration?

    And once we raise our awareness, can we embrace a willingness to change and transform our lives from the inside out?

    I invite you to join me on this journey. To choose to see life through the eyes of love. To choose joy and hope over anger and fear. To truly illuminate the light shining brightly within you.

    I dare you. Be a revolutionary. Embrace peace and love and unity.

    I’m right here next to you.

    I believe in us—the daring dreamers, the visionaries, the joy seekers, the love creators.

     

  • 8 Things I Learned from a Phone-Free Month

    8 Things I Learned from a Phone-Free Month

    “Tell me what you pay attention to and I will tell you who you are.” ~Jose Ortega y Gasset

    I used to live in San Francisco, a city celebrated for its carnivals, free music festivals, thriving bar culture, Mexican food markets, beautiful parks, fantastic literary events, thrift stores, and… (Can you tell I miss it?]

    The effect of having all this culture available is that quite often, we spend more time around the doing of an event than the doing itself. I’ll elaborate.

    I would spend x amount of time on my phone searching for cool events to go to. Then I would be on Facebook, advertising this future event and inviting friends.

    The day of the event I would spend time calling and texting people to establish a meeting place, before following the little blue dot to find that place. Then, during the actual event, I would spend x or even xxxx amount of time trying to find signal to call a lost friend or—in the more likely case—relocate my lost self and find the group.

    When not trying to find signal and/or friends, I would be sending texts telling people who couldn’t make it what they were missing out on.

    Or I’d be holding my phone in the air taking x amount of pictures of where I was and publishing the photos on Facebook/Instagram/Snapchat/all the above (checking my phone every x minutes thereafter to get an update on like-count) trying to show the world how much fun I was having (read: forgetting to have).

    Does any of this sound familiar? The x amount of time spent on my phone combines to way more x’s than the time spent enjoying x event itself. See, I can’t even remember what the event was.

    I remember Nokia’s first advertising campaign: “Connecting People.” Now this slogan would more correctly read: “Connecting Phones,” because I observe that the people behind the phones are actually hugely disconnected from valuable forms of interaction, myself included.

    We live in a world where losing your phone is more dramatic than losing your virginity, and I found it way more distressing because I couldn’t call my mum and tell her about it.

    I lost my phone in the fatal sense; it fell to its death and I was phoneless for a month. This month was somewhat transformative for me. I mean, I know that a phone isn’t technically a limb, but at first it felt very hard to walk anywhere if I wasn’t 100% sure that I was going in the right direction.

    My phone used to guide me. It was brave to go somewhere to meet a friend, not sure if they’d had to cancel without being able to let me know. My phone used to confirm things. Another hard thing was the not knowing what my friends had eaten for dinner the previous night. Instagram used to show me.

    How are people going to invite me to things?! Denial, anger, frustration, loneliness… I’M FALLING OFF THE RADAR! People will forget me! Desperately clicking my heels “There’s no place like phone, there’s no place like phone” … *Spiral into delirious black out.

    It’s hard to believe that a month later I had become pretty nonchalant about even getting my phone fixed. I could now afford to, but I had discovered a charm and liberation to my life without a phone that I was now scared to lose.

    Here are some ways I found myself when I lost my phone:

    1. I would give myself time to get lost, and enjoyed taking notice of my perhaps wayward route.

    I would find things on the way that I’d never seen before—great street art and food joints. If really lost, I would ask locals for directions, and in so doing met interesting characters and appreciated their willingness to help me. I enjoyed not being self-reliant.

    2. My friends were always there to meet me at the time we’d planned in advance.

    When is the last time you made plans with a friend a week or two in advance—Lunch at Rosso on the 12th, 2:00—and not called to confirm before hand? It’s a test in your trust that friends won’t let you down, nor you them. It’s fun to have something to look forward to and to simply… show up.

    3. I didn’t update Instagram nor Facebook for a month.

    I lost the urge to show people a #nofilter photograph of my burrito or let Facebook know which Disney Princess I am according to Buzzfeed. I started reading more, enjoying my own company. When I had moments to spare, I would reflect on my day rather than take out my phone and read about everybody else’s.

    4. I started being present at events in the true sense of the word.

    If you spend all your time on social media telling people where you are, it probably means you weren’t present at all. I mean, take a cool picture, by all means; start a photography blog. But a photograph should be a memory of an experience, not the experience itself. Don’t check out when you check-in.

    5. I became more spontaneous.

    There is something organic about running into friends unexpectedly, when the stars align to connect you with someone even when you couldn’t call to make plans. I could be more spontaneous without a phone, or perhaps it just felt that way because as it was harder to plan things. I started to accept and embrace all the twists and turns of my day.

    6. I became unreachable at times.

    It feels great to be unreachable in a world where we are expected to be so available. We are at the beck and call of a beep or a buzz, and apologize if we respond to a text twenty minutes later because we were in the shower.

    I realized that my time is my own and stopped feeling that I owed people my attention 24/7. When you disconnect from the outside world, you connect with yourself.

    7. I became acutely aware when my company was dividing his/her attention between their phone and me, and I hated it.

    That’s probably how I used to interact before I learned how it feels to speak to the top of someone’s head. I enjoyed the dose of self-awareness, and I like to think I’ve become better company for it.

    8. I realized I wasn’t really staying in touch.

    What I’d been doing to “stay in touch” with friends were things such as liking their Instagram photo, commenting on their Facebook status, vaguely committing to an event they were hosting with no real intention to go, texting sporadic and disinterested-sounding questions like “How’s life?” etc.

    Without a phone, I realized how lazy my most valued friendships had become, namely, because I didn’t suddenly feel disconnected from those people; rather, I realized I hadn’t been connected in the first place.

    I’m not suggesting that you should smash your phone on the ground after reading this; I eventually had my phone fixed, and in these times there are obvious safety and organizational benefits to having one.

    What drives my thought process is this: Phones are merely tools, and we are at risk of trying to extend their function beyond their limitations. Phones are a poor substitute for real interaction, presence, experience and connecting.

    Life doesn’t happen on a tiny screen. Take a leap and leave your phone at home once in a while. Say brb and give your immediate world your undivided attention, because that’s where the good stuff is, and you’re missing it.

  • Why Forgiveness Is a Gift to Yourself and How to Release the Past

    Why Forgiveness Is a Gift to Yourself and How to Release the Past

    “Forgiveness does not change the past but it does enlarge the future.” ~Paul Boese

    On a snowy winter day in the dark month of January, I got hit by a car. My left leg was immediately amputated. A darkness started growing in my seventeen-year-old heart that day.

    Harvey was the man driving the car that hit me.

    Because of Harvey’s decisions, I didn’t have my leg. Because of Harvey, I walked in pain. Because of Harvey, I lost my confidence as an attractive woman.

    At the trial two years later, Harvey and I weren’t allowed to talk to each other. I saw him at the defendant’s table with his head cast down in shame. He never looked me in the eye. In fact, Harvey never apologized to me.

    I was a strong woman who didn’t let my disability keep me down. I tried to pretend that I was as capable as two-legged people. I learned how to ski, kayak, rock climb, backpack, scuba dive, and sky dive.

    I spent just as much energy stuffing my anger, depression, and grief. I was terrified that, if given half a chance, they would eat me alive.

    I felt like two women. The one the world saw was capable, strong, independent, and inspirational. The other woman I reserved for myself. She was sad, insecure, and boiling with anger.

    During my twenties, I had three significant romantic relationships. Although each one of those men told me how amazing I was and how much they loved me, none of them wanted to marry me. I assumed it was because of my leg.

    Harvey took marriage from me as well.

    When I was truly honest with myself, I had a vague understanding that my depression and anger, which I usually expressed inappropriately, could have contributed to my failed relationships. I decided it was time for counseling.

    Therapy was a time for me to finally grieve. I realized how fear controlled me and how post-traumatic stress dictated my life. I started to understand the magnitude of my negative feelings—toward the Universe, toward life, and toward Harvey.

    Over many months, I learned appropriate ways to express sadness, anger, and resentment. My emotions didn’t eat me alive as I had feared. Actually, I became alive when I started to truly feel them.

    On the fifteenth anniversary of the accident, I was alone in my apartment, nursing my depression with some wine. My thoughts turned to Harvey. Did he know what today was? Does he remember me? Then I was struck by a bolt of brilliance. I’ll call him!

    If he isn’t going to call me to apologize, then I’ll call him and rub it in his face how he ruined my life.

    I didn’t think twice. I jumped up off the couch, found his number, and dialed. The phone rang once. Twice. Five times. I ended up leaving a message.

    At work the next day I could hardly concentrate, and by the time I got home from work, I was a bundle of nerves. Would he call?

    And then the phone rang.

    “Hi Colleen, this is Harvey.”

    I screamed at him, “Do you know who I am? Do you know what yesterday was?”

    “Oh yes,” he said through his sobs. “I remember you. I think about you all the time.”

    My heart lurched. He thought about me all the time? Then why didn’t he contact me?

    Harvey and I conversed and connected and ended the call with an agreement to meet.

    In preparation for our visit, I spent a number of sessions with my therapist preparing to give Harvey a verbal lashing. I was ready to shame him for what he had done to me.

    When the day finally came, Harvey and I saw each other across the hotel lobby. Tears welled up in his eyes as he walked toward me.

    “Hello Colleen,” his arms opened wide. “Can I give you a hug?” What? You want me to give you a hug? Wouldn’t a good chest beating be more appropriate? The nice girl in me gave him a hug.

    During the four hours we spent together, instead of screaming at him for everything he had taken from me, I listened. I heard how the accident happened from his perspective—and he heard how it happened from mine.

    We rehashed every moment leading up to the impact and, in doing so, we realized that, given all the same conditions, given our mutual naiveté, if placed in the same position again, we may very well make the same decisions.

    I listened as he talked about how his life was impacted by the accident. He was just a twenty-one-year-old married guy at the time of the accident. Afterward, anytime he saw someone who reminded him of me, he broke down and cried—or became mean. His marriage suffered; he and his wife eventually divorced.

    At the end of the visit, when Harvey and I parted, I gave him a hug. That time I wanted to.

    Back home, when I realized I was able to see the situation through Harvey’s eyes, I felt a freedom I had never known before.

    When I made the choice to let go of the past and forgive Harvey, I felt empowered. I didn’t see it then, but looking back I can see that when I harbored bitter feelings toward Harvey, I was hurting myself more than anyone.

    Harvey and I saw each other a year later when I was visiting his town for a conference. While at dinner, instead of re-hashing the accident again, we talked about our lives. We came to the table ready to pick each other up off that roadway that had held us captive for so long.

    I don’t think it’s a coincidence that just a year later I finally met the man who would become my husband. We married a year later and soon started our family. When I was able to let go of the past, I was finally able to create the future I had always wanted.

    Do my bitter feelings and resentments still surface? Absolutely. But now I don’t allow them to define me as a victim. I allow them to remind me to forgive. Again. And again. And again.

    I’ve learned that forgiveness is a journey. When our heart becomes too heavy with the burden of our bitterness, there are distinguishable steps we can take that lead us to inner peace.

    What about you? Is there something in your past that is hard to forgive? Do you want to let this go? Do you want to live more fully into your potential by releasing the past? If so, try these steps:

    1. Acknowledge your feelings related to the situation and actually feel them.

    Move through them. For fifteen years anger, depression, resentment, and bitterness were subversive hijackers of my life. Once I learned how to acknowledge and feel these emotions, they not only lost their power, they subsided.

    2. See the situation from the other person’s perspective.

    Our myopic view of the situation keeps us stuck in the past. If possible, have a conversation with your perpetrator. If that’s not possible, imagine the situation from your perpetrator’s point of view. What story can you tell that might explain the situation from his or her perspective?

    3. Release your bitter feelings.

    Remember, you were not born angry, sad, or vindictive. Let go of these accumulations and allow yourself to return to your pure humanity.

    4. Make the choice to forgive.

    Yes, forgiveness is a choice. It doesn’t just happen. And you may need to forgive a transgression again and again until that becomes your new normal.

    Forgiveness is not about condoning another’s actions. When forgiving another, we are not absolving them of restitution. Forgiveness isn’t even about the other person. The choice to forgive is always a gift we give ourselves.

    Photo by Okinawa Steve

  • Why Self-Love Is The Key To Finding True Love

    Why Self-Love Is The Key To Finding True Love

    “The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others.” ~Sonya Friedman

    The moon was shining brightly that balmy summer’s night in the park. He’d arranged a meeting to “sort things out.” Little did he know I’d finally built the courage to walk away. And that’s exactly what I did.

    I was devastated but mostly relieved. Finally, I was free.

    For the longest time I’d craved his love. I needed his approval. I wanted the happy ending so badly.

    Why? I meant something when I was with him. I felt worthy and kind of secure.

    But I wasn’t. I’d given away all of my power. I was dependent on him to feel love.

    And he knew it, so he treated me however he wanted. For him it was a game, and every problem in our relationship somehow always came back to me.

    I was needy, insecure, and completely out of touch with who I was and what I really wanted. I’d sacrificed everything about me in an effort to try to please another being.

    He told me I wasn’t sexy enough, so I read book after book about how to be more feminine and alluring. He told me I was too quiet, so I went out of my way to be outgoing, happy, and bubbly. He told me I took up too much time, so I made other plans and disappeared for a while.

    He could have told me anything and I would have accepted it. There wasn’t an ounce of self-respect in my bones. My misery was born from this very fact.

    I’d let this happen for so long. It wasn’t entirely his fault. My neediness and lack of self-worth had created and perpetuated our problems. But for some reason that I can’t explain, that evening a spark had been ignited and I’d finally had enough.

    I’d reached my pain threshold. I was completely done with feeling miserable, doubting myself, and feeling disrespected. I was so over letting someone else control my decisions, emotions, and self-worth.

    I’d begun to love myself a little more than I loved him. A butterfly was emerging from the cold, dark cocoon I’d been hiding in my whole life. It felt new and scary but ridiculously empowering and liberating.

    In a moment of clarity a string of epiphanies melted my confusion:

    • Deep love comes from within.
    • I’ll never be satisfied just with love from someone else.
    • If I don’t authentically love myself, I can’t expect anyone else to truly love me.
    • The way I treat myself shows others how I expect to be treated.

    That evening I vowed to put myself first and to be kind, loving, and generous with myself. This is the way I wanted to be treated. Out of self-respect and needing a fresh start, I walked away. From that point on it was my intention to live my life on my terms.

    It might sound selfish, but it was completely the opposite. And it eventually led me to the life-long relationship of my dreams.

    What’s The Real Impact Of Neediness On Relationships?

    I wholeheartedly believe that sharing the joys and wonder of life with another being who lights up your world is absolutely priceless. There’s nothing like it. It’s one of the greatest joys on Earth, and something every human being deserves to experience.

    But it’s extremely hard to find this happiness with another if you’re in a relationship with a need to be filled up by someone else.

    Being needy, insecure, and trying to gain approval and a sense of self-worth from your partner puts a huge amount of pressure on them, and it’s a major turn-off.

    It’s an unachievable task because feeling inherently loved and worthy comes from within. Not from your partner.

    An outstanding love doesn’t come from two half-fulfilled people coming together to make one whole, complete life. Outstanding love comes from two whole people coming together to share and enhance their already full and beautiful lives.

    An amazing relationship comes about when we own and appreciate who we are and completely accept the other person for who they are.

    So loving and putting you first is not selfish, it’s necessary. It’s imperative to creating the wonderful love and life we all desire. And let’s get something straight—loving yourself doesn’t deplete the love tank; it actually fills it up so we have even more to give.

    What Does Self-Love Really Look Like?

    It’s prioritizing your dreams and making an effort to do things that inspire and light you up.

    It’s saying no to things you don’t agree with or that don’t fit in with your plans.

    It’s deciding to spend time with people who support, encourage, and motivate you to be the best version of you.

    It’s owning your thoughts and opinions and refusing to be swayed in order to please others.

    It’s being gentle with and talking kindly and sweetly to yourself.

    It’s having the courage to try new things that you’ve always wanted to experience.

    It’s taking time out to nourish your mind, body, and soul—exercise, eating well, alone time.

    It’s trusting your intuition and honoring your own truth.

    It’s spending money on things that make you feel amazing while investing in your future.

    It’s daring to believe that you’re capable of achieving and creating the life you visualize.

    It’s choosing to see the good and refusing to let others bring you down.

    It’s gifting yourself forgiveness and accepting yourself for all of your beautiful and not-so-cool quirks and qualities.

    How Does Self-Love Create A Great Relationship?

    When we truly love and respect ourselves, we’re free from doubt and endless worry, so we trust our feelings and decisions. It allows us to be courageous and authentic.

    We begin to live from the heart and play a bigger, kinder, more generous version of life. We forget our self-imposed boundaries and dare to dream larger and wilder.

    We stop focusing on negativity and become present to the beauty and possibilities within and outside of ourselves. We realize how great our lives are and open the doors for gratitude to flow in abundance.

    We start to emanate happiness, confidence, playfulness, peace, and positivity.

    It’s electric and like a powerful magnet to others. Your ideal partner will be drawn to you like a bear fresh out of hibernation looking for his first meal.

    And once you find that special one, love will be easy.

    It’ll be natural. It’ll flow freely without judgment or pretense. It’ll inspire and nourish you. Your lives will be even richer, happier, and more vibrant than ever.

    And you’ll wonder why you didn’t take the time to fall radically in love with you just a little bit sooner.

  • Life Lessons on What Really Matters from a Dying Man

    Life Lessons on What Really Matters from a Dying Man

    All We Need Is Love

    “Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.” ~Mahatma Gandhi

    You know how you can remember exactly when you found out that Michael Jackson died? I think it’s called flashbulb memory. It’s when something traumatic happens and because of that, you remember everything else that was occurring at the time. I was on a bus in Santorini after watching an amazing sunset in Oia.

    The day I found out my boyfriend was dying was just like that, but worse. I remember everything.

    Let me digress.

    We spent the week leading up to the surgery that was his last chance at life at Vancouver General Hospital, where we passed the days planning our casual beach wedding in Tulum.

    We pictured it down to the last very last detail. I would walk down the aisle (barefoot of course) to Bob Marley’s “Turn Your Lights Down Low” and a mariachi band would serenade us at dinner. It gave him hope and something positive to think about when the pangs of hunger threatened his usually calm demeanor.

    They made him fast for days as we waited for a surgery room to finally open.

    According to the doctors, the likelihood of him surviving the surgery was only 50%. We savored each moment as best we could, enjoying each other’s company and focusing on love.

    When the nurse came to tell us it was time, I was taking a very rare moment in the hospital cafeteria, as I didn’t want to eat in front of him. I rushed up the elevator and made just in time to accompany him downstairs.

    It was one of the only times I cried in front of him. I didn’t know if I should say goodbye, just in case.

    I looked into his brave eyes. I told him I loved him. I held his hand until I was no longer allowed. The doctor told me not to cry.

    I made my way to the family room where my best friend and our families waited. I felt loved. And scared to death. I remember thinking that this is what it means when they say “blood curdling fear.” I got it and I thought it was fascinating.

    The surgery was supposed to take about five hours, so my best friend took me to my dad’s hotel so I could take shower and a break. I lasted about fifteen minutes before I needed to go back.

    That’s the way it was in those days. Every cell in my entire being simply needed to be there. When I returned, I noticed a bridal magazine in waiting room. I flipped through and found my most beautiful dream dress. I hoped it was a good omen.

    Two hours later, the doctor came in. He looked defeated. I could barely stand up.

    He sat down and with a tremendous amount of compassion (and tears in his eyes), he told me that they had found Benito’s liver completely covered in tumors and therefore a resection or transplant was not possible.

    I remember the moment when courage and fear collided. I asked, “Is he gonna die?”

    And, I remember the doctor’s answer, “We’ve done a bit to make him more comfortable, but there is nothing else we can do.”

    I curled up into a tiny ball on the hospital chair with my head between my legs and sobbed.

    The doctor assigned me the task of telling Benito. He said it would be better coming from me.

    I remember sitting in the corridor holding his mom’s hand. Waiting. Doctors rushed passed with patients on stretchers. I thought of my mom. At the time, she was MIA in Costa Rica. She didn’t even know he was sick. I didn’t even know she was alive. I wanted her to hold me.

    When I saw him, lying there like a helpless child covered in tubes, my breath escaped me for a moment. But I told myself to stay calm. This next part was about him. It was all about him.

    He was groggy from the anesthesia, but he looked at me. With jolt of last minute courage, I put my hand on his boney shoulder and I told him everything. He was too high to really get it.

    He went in and out of consciousness. Each time he woke up, he asked in almost a joking way, “Am I dying? Am I really dying?” I retold the story, barely holding it together. He told jokes. One time, much to the nurse’s amusement, he even belted out an AC/DC tune while attempting a feeble air guitar. He was awesome.

    But two things he said that day, while moving in and out of drug-induced sleep, have shaped my life forever. The first was, “If I only I had ten more years, just think of all the good I could do.” And the second was, “I feel sorry for you.”

    I was shocked, so I asked him why. He said, “Because your boyfriend is dying. We were supposed to get married and adopt babies from Peru” followed by a joke of course, just to cheer me up.

    He said, “Now don’t go dating any of my friends while I’m gone. You’re hot and I know them. They’re gonna try.” Like I said, awesome.

    I think of these two things often in my life—that compassion for others and that strong drive to make a difference in the world.

    Turns out, when a thirty-one-year old party-boy finds out he’s dying, compassion for others and making a difference is the driving force. And, making the entire recovery room laugh of course.

    This is a lesson I’ll never forget. I got my ten more years. And perhaps you will too.

    What can you do today that will make a difference?

    How can you have more compassion for others?

    How can you bring in laughter?

    Perhaps this is what it’s all about.

    Photo by Bethauthau