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Category “love & relationships”

We Don’t Need to Change to Please Other People

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“One of the most freeing things we learn in life is that we don’t have to like everyone, everyone doesn’t have to like us, and it’s perfectly OK.” ~Unknown

I am thankful from the bottom of my heart to that relative who dislikes me.

As Mother Teresa famously said, “Some people come in our life as blessings. Some come in your life as lessons.”

She came in my life as a lesson. The more she dislikes me, the more I love myself and appreciate those who love me.

This carefree attitude didn’t come overnight. I had to go through a …

4 Ways to Have More Affectionate, Loving Relationships

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“Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.” ~Simone Weil

This morning I was busy French pressing coffee for my husband and me. Everything was going great; I was happily humming along, looking forward to starting my day. My lovely husband came up behind me and bear hugged me gently.

Now, I’ll admit that I don’t usually take this well when I’m in the middle of something. If I’m cooking (which I’m particularly serious about), I’ve been known to push him away and say something along the lines of “I’m cooking! Back!”

This is not sensitive or caring. It’s …

When You’re Hurting and Healing: Give Yourself a Break

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“Stop beating yourself up. You are a work in progress, which means you get there a little at a time, not all at once.” ~Unknown

Often these days, I would like nothing more than to move forward. If I could only figure out which way was forward, I would definitely start heading in that direction. If you couldn’t already tell, I’m going through a break-up, the most major break-up of my life so far.

Again, I’m often disappointed that if I were to check a box to describe my “relationship status” it would most likely be “It’s complicated.”…

When You Fear Emotional Abandonment: Do You Know Your Worth?

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“Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.” ~Unknown

Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free…says Lady Liberty. She was speaking to immigrants wanting to start a new promised life in America, but those words could be my tagline for the men I have had my most intimate relationships with.

If you were broken, emotionally unavailable, complicated, and confused, I was your girl.

I would love you more than you loved yourself, or could love me. 

I would put all my energy in trying to make it work, trying to …

Redefining Closure in Order to Move On and Get Living Again

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“You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.” ~Unknown

I would love to identify as someone who, when her relationships crumble either gradually or all at once, is able to wipe her hands clean and go about her life without any closure.

I fantasize about the tears, time, and energy I would save if I didn’t feel the need for closure and if I didn’t agonize about trying to have these heartfelt and “necessary” conversations with the people with whom I’ve had falling outs.

For years, I was shackled to the belief …

Nothing Is Permanent: Letting Go of Attachment to People

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“Impermanence is not something to be afraid of. It’s the evolution, a never-ending horizon.” ~Deepak Chopra

I have been reading a lot lately on attachment and impermanence. It’s a big topic, one that is often hard to wrap your head and heart around. How can I live a life without attachment? Doesn’t that mean that I am not being a loving or caring person? I mean really, no attachment—it just seems cold.

This all started for me when the love of my life told me, “I love you, I am just not in love with you.” Ouch.

To say I …

3 Surefire Ways to Embrace Being Different

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“To be nobody but yourself in a world doing its best to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle any human can ever fight and never stop fighting.” ~e.e. cummings

I’m gay. I’m married to a woman and we have a beautiful daughter together. I also have an ex–boyfriend that I was with for quite a significant time. Most of my friends are straight, and I thought I was too until about five years ago when I fell in love with my now-wife.

It was a crazy time, and I suddenly had to deal with being different…

Why We Compare Ourselves to Others on Social Media and How to Stop

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“The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” ~Steve Furtick

We all have certain triggers that can cause our confidence to take a sudden nosedive.

For some, it’s a trip to the gym. If you’re self-conscious of your body, watching fit people strut their stuff in their tightest fitting gym clothes likely has you over analyzing your every body part.

For others, it may be a certain individual—a family member, friend, or enemy that, for whatever reason, leaves them with the dreaded feeling that they just aren’t enough.

We all …

A Mindful Way to Find Relief from the Pain of Envy

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“The more you hide your feelings, the more they show. The more you deny your feelings, the more they grow.” ~Unknown

Envy is such an overpowering and overwhelming feeling, often something hidden, or masked by a smiley face, or fuelled into rage and resentment. I’ve experienced all of these emotions in my life, and as I neared my fortieth birthday, I felt that I could not go on. I was crippled by the “envy story” stuck on repeat mode inside my mind.

As I watched friends and family swoop by me in terms of outer achievements and success, the envy …

From Loathing to Love: What Makes Us Feel Worthwhile

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“Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.” ~Unknown 

My healing journey can be described through what I call the “self formula”:

Self-Doubt > Self-Loathing > Self-Destruction > Self-Awareness > Self-Love

Mine is the oldest story in the book. Adolescent angst. Mental deception. Physical revulsion. I feel fat. No, scratch that. I am fat. This girl in the mirror is ruining my life. Woe is me.

Groundbreaking drama, right? How original of me to “feel fat.” Surely, you’ve never heard that complaint before.

Except it wasn’t just a complaint. I …

When We Try to Change Others and Avoid Ourselves

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“I’ve discovered that you can’t change people. They can change themselves.” ~Jim Rohn

This is indeed a fact—a fact I took a long time to learn.

You may argue that we help each other change, and it’s true. But the deepest truth is that only we are responsible for our own growth.

The most difficult work is the seemingly minuscule shift from resistance to willingness, which allows us to face the difficult things we’ve been hiding from, and only we can do this for ourselves. 

I had boyfriends who had issues. One of them lacked ambition; he was already lost …

How to Heal from Heartbreak and Allow Love into Your Life

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“Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here.” ~Marianne Williamson

Love terrifies me.

After having loved, courted, and married the love of my life, things went sour. Over the course of a few years, our marriage crumbled and our relationship came to a sudden halt.

When you’ve only been with one person, loved that person to the core, and believed that person to be your soul mate, you take the breakup unusually hard.

Yes, tears. Yes, sorrow. Yes, seclusion. Yes, withdrawal. Yes, not wanting to get out of bed.

I experienced every symptom of heartbreak …

Why Conflict Isn’t Bad (And How to Make It Easier)

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“Conflict is inevitable but combat is optional.” ~Max Lucade 

I used to do everything I could to avoid having conversations that could potentially be challenging or difficult—even resorting to lying or obfuscation if I really felt backed into a corner.

I didn’t have a good template for what healthy conflict looked like, so every challenging conversation felt like a minefield where I could be attacked, blamed, or shamed at any moment.

As I got older, and especially as I started dating and getting involved in longer-term relationships, I realized that conflict was actually an inevitable, even necessary, part of co-existing …

Why People Reject Us and What We Can Do About It

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“When we can no longer change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” ~Viktor Frankl

There’s probably no worse feeling in life than the feeling of being rejected. Whether it’s from the opposite sex, a friend or family member, or co-workers, the feeling that our presence is not wanted or no longer welcomed can cause us to feel hurt and become defensive.

I’ve learned a couple of ways of dealing with rejection when it arises in various situations, and for taking the sting out of it.

The first thing to realize is that rejection isn’t personal. Not really, anyway. …

How to Set Strong Boundaries and Overcome The Need to Say “Yes”

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“We must never forget that it is through our actions, words, and thoughts that we have a choice.” ~Sogyal Rinpoche

Just a few short years ago, I would have relished in being called a “yes person.”

I loved that label. I thought it made me approachable, helpful, and charitable, and I loved being “top of mind” for so many people and wonderful opportunities.

Big project at work? I was there. A shoulder to cry on? You bet. A shopping buddy? Sure, I’m available! An exercise partner, a counselor, an interior designer, a cook, a cleaner, a proofreader, a tour guide—I …

5 Tips to Create a Loving Relationship, With Fewer Disappointments

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“Love does not obey our expectations; it obeys our intentions.” ~Lloyd Strom

Have you ever felt less about a relationship when it didn’t exactly pan out like a fairy tale? I sure did.

I had it stuck in my mind that a great relationship should be picture perfect.

When reality would give me a sobering slap showing it was far from perfect, I would walk away from a relationship that refused to meet my standards.

I thought that a relationship is like a flower in a pot, ever blooming by itself. No hard work whatsoever. But the “flower” also has …

Healing from Heartbreak and Loving Life, No Matter Your “Status”

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“Getting over a past relationship is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward.” ~C.S. Lewis

I recently stumbled into a clothing store where everything was full of life and color, until I saw the sales clerk.

She had obviously been crying. I perused the merchandise and hesitatingly asked her a question about an item. Tears welled up in her eyes and she said, “I’m sorry, I’m so overwhelmed. My boyfriend just broke up with me.”

I wasn’t prepared for that answer, but as I looked at her more closely I saw …

How to Quit or Move On Without Feeling Guilty

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“Some people think it’s holding on that makes one strong–sometimes it’s letting go.” ~Unknown

When I accepted a position with a small company, I thought I had found everything I wanted: challenging work in my field, flexible hours, a laid-back atmosphere, and a short commute.

My new job seemed to be perfect, but soon I realized it wasn’t.

While I loved the kind of work I did, the “casual” atmosphere ended up being too casual. Hearing racy jokes and mocking comments became part of my workday. The jokes seemed to become more offensive as days went by.

Then the gossip …

Are You Frustrated in Your Search for True, Unconditional Love?

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“Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ~Rumi

Have you ever wondered if there is such a thing as true love, like in the good old movies of Casablanca or The Notebook? Maybe you’ve found your true love. Or perhaps you’re still searching.

When I was a teenager, I was mesmerized by this dream that someday there would be someone who would love me so unconditionally that he would literally die for me. After all, you see that all the time in …

The Most Important Thing to Ask Yourself After a Breakup

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“The obstacles of your past can become the gateways that lead to new beginnings.” ~Ralph Blum

Divorce. Not an activity that I ever had on my to-do list and not something I contemplated when I got engaged in Paris. Who does?

We’ve all heard the statistics that one in three marriages ends in divorce. Yet this is something that happens to someone else and certainly not a possibility to focus on while skipping down the aisle.

People change or they don’t, as the case may be. Unless both parties are exceptional communicators, it can be challenging to stay on the …