Tiny Buddha

Category: love & relationships

  • 6 Tips to Love and Support Yourself and Become a Happier You

    6 Tips to Love and Support Yourself and Become a Happier You

    Closeup of Smiling Woman

    “Awaken; return to yourself” ~Marcus Aurelius

    Darkness. Resentment. Detachment. Extreme discomfort.

    Those are the words I would use to describe my internal experience during my adolescent years up to young adulthood.

    Depression was something I was all too familiar with. Fear was running my life and I was exhausted. I now understand that a lot of it had to do with the dysfunctional family I grew up in and the pain that ensued.

    Determined to break this unhealthy way of being, I’ve been on a road of healing and self-growth over the past few years.

    However, my transition into a stronger relationship with myself really kicked into gear after my heart got broken for the first time. But it didn’t just get broken—it got completely shredded. Little did I know this would be the best thing that had ever happened to me.

    As I was deep into the break-up process, I was awakened by the fact that I had completely abandoned myself in the relationship. My confidence was low, I had no self-worth, and I relied on the one I loved to save me and carry me.

    I became delusional about the reality of my relationship and the man I was in love with.

    Harsh realization to come to terms with, but that was my starting point.

    Eventually, I was able to slowly put myself back out into the world. I kept running into situations that led me to discover all of these core values I was lacking in the relationship.

    After a few months of insightful encounters, I came to understand the path I was on: building a stronger, healthier relationship with myself.

    Even though I was going through heartbreak, I felt lighter, different. It was weird. After a while everything seemed to have “clicked” and kept progressing.

    From that point on I became devoted to myself. I was determined to rely on myself for the things I was constantly depending on other people/outside sources for. Below are the steps that helped me move toward myself.

    1. Practice self-compassion.

    Get to know this. Make it your new religion. This is the core for a stronger relationship with yourself because it creates a gentler tone within you.

    Self-compassion helps you acknowledge when you’re going through a hard time and release judgments toward yourself, which then opens you up to self-love.

    Even though it was hard, I practiced this during my break-up. I would put my hand on my heart and say things such as, “You poor thing, this is such an incredible amount of pain to deal with. This hurts so bad.” And I’d stay with that pain for a moment.

    I’d then finish off by reminding myself that I’m doing the best I can right now and I’m actually handling the situation really well.

    Doing this gave me the courage to ease into intense emotions and feel them fully, which helped me heal. It also empowered me as it made me feel not as codependent.

    Realizing that I was able to take care of myself during this incredibly painful time was a huge moment for me. Ultimately, it restored all of this self-love in me that I never knew existed.

    I suggest reading Kristin Neff’s book on self-compassion. I was able to grasp the concept just from this book. However, as someone who has been extremely hard on myself my whole life, it was difficult to be open to the idea at first and took a lot of practice.

    2. Get in touch with your feelings and body.

    I spent a lifetime repressing feelings not even understanding what they were. I now realize this is not okay.

    Our bodies are constantly filling us up with sensations trying to let us know what they feel and need. I’ve found that the more I try to identify my feelings, the closer I become to my intuition.

    Recently, I had to choose a new roommate and met with a ton of people. As I tried to get to know everyone, I made sure I became aware of the feeling that filled up inside me. I would notice warm yet powerful sensations, tightness, or nothing at all. After a while I began to trust those feelings and based my decisions off of them.

    It has also made me treat my heart and body with more respect, so I take better care of them.

    One time when I was working a lot I felt an illness coming on. After I came home that day, I listened very carefully to what my body needed to feel better. I ate whatever sounded good (sweet corn sounded like heaven, oddly enough), drank lots of water, took a bath, gave myself a ton of self-love, and went to bed super early.

    I felt amazing the next day.

    Meditation is also a great exercise for this that will heighten your awareness of any feelings that arise.

    3. Discover your values.

    We all have values, but do we ever really analyze what they are and why we choose some over others?

    I went through a list of values one day that I found online and highlighted the ones that spoke to me the most. I became so much closer to myself after establishing this.

    I discovered that I deeply value my physical and mental health, kindness, authentic connection with myself and others, and efficiency.

    It felt like I was rediscovering my identity. I simply allowed myself to embrace my authenticity and it felt amazing.

    4. Understand your needs and boundaries.

    Identifying my values led me to recognize what my needs are.

    Since I value my physical and mental health, taking care of my mind and body has become my number one need. I’ve come to learn that my mind and body are very sensitive, so I need to nurture them in order to maintain a healthy level of comfort.

    With that understanding, I essentially created a boundary for myself. I made sure I did my best to honor that need in most situations. Whether it meant missing a night out with friends to catch up on good sleep, avoiding pushing myself too hard at the gym, or taking a moment for myself to release any built up emotions.

    Once my needs were established, I had a better idea of what my boundaries are in work, in relationships, and with myself. Ultimately, it created an awareness of when my sense of identity was being challenged or reinforced.

    5. Avoid relying on external validation.

    This one takes practice and is where a lot of the steps I just listed get put to the test.

    We have such quick, easy access to external validation nowadays (Facebook, Instagram, anything with a “like” button). We often become confused on where the most important source of validation should come from.

    Lately, I’ve been making an effort to become conscious of when I get caught up in the desire for someone’s approval. I see it as an opportunity to check in with the status of my self-love. If I’m happy with who I am and am confident behind my decisions, I remind myself that I don’t need someone else’s approval.

    It’s a very empowering process.

    There are times, however, when I struggle with it, which is okay because it’s part of the human experience. I just try to be understanding and explore those insecurities.

    6. Recognize where the pain is coming from.

    This is one of the hardest steps. Take it slow. Be gentle. Start by being honest with yourself to see if you notice a behavior pattern that comes off in an unhealthy way (such as relying heavily on external validation). Try to identify the deeper reasons behind it and explore them.

    Once I understood that the way I was viewing my love interests was not healthy, I eventually realized it stemmed from a deep pain of neglect from my parents. From there, I began the process of breaking this pattern.

    Intense emotions will come up, but if you welcome them with open, loving arms (aka self-compassion!) you can ease into this process with a sense of safety.

    You might need help from another source such as a self-help book, therapist, or friend to identify the unhealthy habits.

    —

    Building a stronger relationship with yourself is an incredibly fulfilling and liberating process. It takes time, patience, and understanding. Try to go into it with an excitement and curiosity rather than an expectation.

    I’ve come to find that when you have a better sense of your identity, you become empowered. When you become empowered, you gain self-esteem. When you gain self-esteem, you are more driven to take better care of yourself. One thing always leads to another. 

    Most importantly, however, love and support from myself creates a happier me.

    Closeup of smiling woman image via Shutterstock

  • How to Boost Your Self-Esteem When You’re Insecure

    How to Boost Your Self-Esteem When You’re Insecure

    “To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    When it comes to self-esteem, I’ve had a bumpy ride. Throughout my school life I was severely bullied and, consequently, I grew up intensely insecure and self-critical.

    I constantly measured my self-worth against the opinions of others, and when opinions weren’t forthcoming, I simply filled in the blanks by imagining the worst.

    By my twenties I measured my self-worth in terms of my popularity, how successful I was compared to my friends, my appearance, and my love life.

    If I had a bad hair day it was catastrophic—I instantly felt ugly, unlovable, and alone. Everything hinged upon my desire to measure up, and if I felt I wasn’t (which I usually did) I would berate and bully myself.

    It was as if there was this volcano inside of me simmering away with self-loathing that could burst into outright hatred at any time. Because I didn’t like myself, I was constantly searching for outside validation, someone else that could make me happy and whole again.

    Looking back, I think that’s why I found it so hard to be single. I hadn’t learned to like myself, so it made perfect sense that to be left in my own company would cause me unease.

    In 2009 it all came to a head when I had what can only be described as a catastrophic breakdown, or as I like to put it, breakthrough.

    I finally sought treatment for my trauma, which helped build my self-esteem. I was extremely privileged to have had access to world-class care; however, the steps I took to overcome my low self-esteem—the very same I share with you today—can be achieved by anyone with the aid of a notepad and pen.

    Step 1: Create a positive qualities record.

    The biggest step I took toward learning to love myself was to remind myself of the kind of person I could be.

    Shockingly simple, I know, but nevertheless challenging when you don’t like yourself very much. I remember struggling to think of positive qualities that I could honestly claim as my own and trying to silence my inner critic as it discounted each one I thought of.

    The more I persisted, the easier I recalled them, one by one. If you find it difficult at first, keep at it—trust me, it will pay off.

    Essentially, you are training your brain to look for evidence that supports a higher level of self-esteem, and this exercise is extremely effective. Aim to write down just fifteen positive qualities that relate to your character.

    As I re-read my list, I remembered I had qualities I liked and was proud of. The process of writing them down had reassured me that I had worth after all. I then went through the list and wrote down examples of when I had displayed those qualities.

    You don’t have to do this for all of your fifteen qualities. Simply pick your five favorite qualities from your list and note down the times when you have shown those traits to others.

    When I did this for my own positive qualities record, I really had to search for examples, but the sense of validation I felt was well worth it. I now had concrete evidence that I possessed the qualities I had attributed to myself—a powerful silencing tool for my inner critic!

    Step 2: Create an activity diary for achievements, fun, and relaxation.

    This step had the biggest impact upon my self-esteem by far. I was given instructions to list daily entries with an A (for Achievement), an F (for Fun), or an R (for Relaxation) besides each task or activity. I was also told to list small things for A’s to build up my confidence before listing bigger tasks.

    These simple instructions transformed how I saw my time and, most importantly, how I viewed self-care. No longer did I think of fun and relaxation as frivolous or insignificant. I now saw them as equally valid to tasks and an important use of my time.

    Day by day I ticked off the A’s, F’s, and R’s in my diary and almost immediately my confidence and self-esteem grew. I had a sense of achievement and inner pride from knowing I was practicing self-care and being productive. Moreover, my confidence in my capabilities grew tenfold.

    I started to have guilt-free fun and rediscovered the joy it brought. I learned what I found relaxing and I became calmer as a result.

    The truth is, these same benefits are available to you right now. All you need is a diary and a pen—nothing fancy—just something to write down two tasks each day. List one Achievement and either one Relaxation or one Fun activity. Then take pleasure in seeing your self-esteem rise.

    Step 3: Adjust negative core beliefs.

    The problem with core beliefs is that we believe them at our very, well, core. Unsurprisingly, one of my negative core beliefs was that I was unlovable. The first thing I did was to write it down and then challenge it to discover a more realistic, balanced core belief.

    It was hard at first, but after some time I came up with “I may not be perfect, but there are many people that love me and find me lovable.” This was definitely a more accurate and balanced core belief, and one I would do well to adopt.

    I then wrote the new balanced core belief at the top of a new page and below it drew two columns. On top of one, I wrote, “Evidence for New Core Belief—Past & Present” and on top of the other, “Evidence for New Core Belief—Future.”

    I then listed all the evidence for my new core belief to date.

    I listed all of the people who I knew loved me. I listed my positive qualities as lovable traits and examples when others had been loving toward me. In the second column I listed: noticing when people pay me compliments, paying attention to loving gestures, and making note of when people tell me “I love you.”

    The more I reflected on the evidence, the less I believed that I was unlovable and the more weight my new realistic and balanced core belief held. I suddenly felt lighter, relieved even, as if I had just woken up from a nightmare that now had no place in reality.

    By their very nature core beliefs are deeply rooted, but if you regularly look over the evidence you’ve written for your new balanced core belief, you too can overcome its grasp!

    —

    I’m happy to say that the insecure and self-critical years I spent in my twenties seem like a distant memory now. I’m kinder to myself. I’m more forgiving of my flaws and don’t equate them to my self-worth.

    Sometimes, when I’m feeling particularly confident, I even go out without make-up on—just to prove to myself I can and that I am more than the summation of my looks.

    What others think of me no longer bothers me in the way that it once did because I know that I am a loving, kind, generous person with a lot to offer people.

    As I write that, it sounds arrogant on the page, but that’s what I believe and that’s what my internal dialogue has become.

    Don’t get me wrong, my inner critic sometimes pops his ugly head up every now and again, but I now have a vast array of ammunition to throw at him.

    By following these steps you will accrue your own arsenal to throw at your inner critics so they too can be silenced and, as Thich Nhat Hanh would say, so that you can accept yourself—both wholeheartedly and completely, for the beautiful person you were born to be.

  • Overcoming Approval Addiction: Stop Worrying About What People Think

    Overcoming Approval Addiction: Stop Worrying About What People Think

    “What other people think of me is none of my business.” ~Wayne Dyer

    Do you ever worry about what people think about you?

    Have you ever felt rejected and gotten defensive if someone criticized something you did?

    Are there times where you hold back on doing something you know would benefit yourself and even others because you’re scared about how some people may react?

    If so, consider yourself normal. The desire for connection and to fit in is one of the six basic human needs, according to the research of Tony Robbins and Cloe Madanes. Psychologically, to be rejected by “the tribe” represents a threat to your survival.

    This begs the question: If wanting people’s approval is natural and healthy, is it always a good thing?

    Imagine for a moment what life would be like if you didn’t care about other people’s opinions. Would you be self-centered and egotistical, or would you be set free to live a life fulfilling your true purpose without being held back by a fear of rejection?

    For my entire life I’ve wrestled with caring about other people’s opinions.

    I thought this made me selfless and considerate. While caring about the opinion of others helped me put myself into other people’s shoes, I discovered that my desire, or more specifically my attachment to wanting approval, had the potential to be one of my most selfish and destructive qualities.

    Why Approval Addiction Makes Everyone Miserable

    If wanting the approval of others is a natural desire, how can it be a problem? The problem is that, like any drug, the high you get from getting approval eventually wears off. If having the approval of others is the only way you know how to feel happy, then you’re going to be miserable until you get your next “fix.”

    What this means is that simply wanting approval isn’t the problem. The real issue is being too attached to getting approval from others as the only way to feel fulfilled. To put it simply, addiction to approval puts your happiness under the control of others.

    Because their happiness depends on others, approval addicts can be the most easily manipulated. I often see this with unhealthy or even abusive relationships. All an abuser has to do is threaten to make the approval addict feel rejected or like they’re being selfish, and they’ll stay under the abuser’s spell.

    Approval addiction leads to a lack of boundaries and ultimately resentment. Many times I felt resentment toward others because they crossed my boundaries, and yet I would remain silent. I didn’t want to come across as rude for speaking up about how someone upset me.

    The problem is this would lead to pent up resentment over time, because there’s a constant feeling that people should just “know better.” When I took an honest look at the situation, though, I had to consider whose fault it was if resentment built up because my boundaries were crossed.

    Is it the fault of the person who unknowingly crossed those boundaries, or the person who failed to enforce boundaries out of fear of rejection?

    Looking at my own life, I actually appreciate when someone I care about lets me know I’ve gone too far. It gives me a chance to make things right. If I don’t let others know how they’ve hurt me because of fear of rejection, aren’t I actually robbing them of the opportunity to seek my forgiveness and do better?

    This leads me to my final point, approval addiction leads to being selfish. The deception is that the selfishness is often disguised and justified as selflessness.

    As a writer, I’m exposed to critics. If I don’t overcome a desire for wanting approval from everyone, then their opinions can stop me from sharing something incredibly helpful with those who’d benefit from my work.

    Approval addiction is a surefire way to rob the world of your gifts. How selfish is it to withhold what I have to offer to others all because I’m thinking too much about what some people may think of me?

    As strange as it sounds, doing things for others can be selfish. On an airplane, they say to put the oxygen mask on yourself before putting it on a child. This is because if the adult passes out trying to help the child, both are in trouble.

    In much the same way, approval addiction can lead a person to martyr themselves to the point that everyone involved suffers.

    For instance, if a person spends so much time helping others that they neglect their own health, then in the long run, it may be everyone else who has to take care of them when they get sick, causing an unnecessary burden.

    Selfless acts, done at the expense of one’s greater priorities, can be just as egotistical and destructive as selfish acts.

    How to Overcome Approval Addiction

    The first way to overcome approval addiction is to be gentle with yourself. Wanting to feel connected with others is normal. It’s only an issue when it’s imbalanced with other priorities like having boundaries.

    What approval addicts are often missing is self-approval. We all have an inner critic that says things like, “You’re not good enough. You’re nothing compared to these people around you. If you give yourself approval, you’re being selfish.”

    You can’t get rid of this voice. What you can do is choose whether or not to buy into it or something greater.

    You also have a part of yourself that says, “You’re worthy. You’re good enough. You’re just as valuable as anyone else.” The question becomes: “Which voice do I choose to align to?”

    This often means asking yourself questions like, “Can I give myself some approval right now? What is something I appreciate about myself?” The next step is to then be willing to actually allow yourself to receive that approval.

    To break approval addiction, remember to treat yourself the way you want others to treat you.

    In much the same way, you can overcome approval addiction by equally valuing other important things, such as your need for significance and control. While wanting to control things can be taken too far just like wanting approval, it is the Yang to approval-seeking’s Yin. Both are necessary for balance.

    Questions that typically help me are: “Do I want other people’s opinions to have power over me? Would I rather let this person control me or maintain control over my own life?”

    Finally, there is the ultimate key to overcoming approval addiction. It’s by using the greatest motivator— unconditional love.

    Worrying about what other people think masquerades as love. In reality, when you really love someone, you’re willing to have their disapproval.

    Imagine a parent with a child. If the parent is too concerned about the child’s opinion of them, they might not discipline their child for fear of the child disliking them. Have you ever seen a parent who lets their child get away with anything because they don’t want to be the “bad guy?” Is this truly loving?

    To break approval addiction, I realized I had to ask one of the most challenging questions anyone could ask themselves: Am I willing to love this person enough to have them hate me?

    If you really care for someone, telling them, “You’re screwing up your life” and having them feel the pain of that statement might be the most loving thing you can do.

    This comes with the very real possibility they will reject you for pointing out the truth. However, if you love someone, wouldn’t you rather have them go through a little short-term pain in order to save them a lot of pain down the road?

    On the upside, many people will eventually come to appreciate you more in the long term if you’re willing to be honest with them and prioritize your love for them over your desire for their approval.

    If you have to share a harsh truth, a mentor, Andy Benjamin, taught me that you can make this easier by first asking, “Can I be a true friend?” to let them know what you’re about to say is coming from a place of love.

    —

    I’ve found that everything, including the desire for approval, can serve or enslave you depending on how you respond to it.

    Do you use your desire for approval as a force to help you see things from other people’s perspective, or do you use it as a crutch on which you base your happiness?

    Do you use your desire for approval as a reminder to give yourself approval, or do you use it as an excuse to be miserable when others don’t give you approval?

    Finally, are you willing show the ultimate demonstration of genuine love—sacrificing your desire for approval in order to serve another?

  • We All Deserve to Receive What We Need (and It’s Not Selfish)

    We All Deserve to Receive What We Need (and It’s Not Selfish)

    Woman with Open Arms

    “We think that we have to learn how to give, but we forget about accepting things, which can be much harder than giving…Accepting another person’s gift is allowing him to express his feelings for you.” ~Alexander McCall Smith

    We all know the importance of giving. In fact, it feels rather nice to give to others; we have all experienced that warm glow in the stomach when we do something thoughtful for another person or exchange kind words. To make someone smile is one of the best feelings in the world.

    But sometimes, do we get so caught up in the giving that we forget to receive? And in doing so, do we give too much?

    I have always been a people pleaser.

    My parents were divorced when I was five years old. It was a complicated situation, one that I didn’t fully understand as a child.

    My sister and I grew up with our grandparents, having contact with our dad during holidays, while the contact with our mum dwindled down to nothing.

    I hadn’t realized until recently that my five-year-old self felt completely abandoned by my parents. We never talked about the situation as a family; feelings were not something you shared, so they stayed bottled up.

    I grew up with the belief, deep down, that my parents left me because I wasn’t good enough.

    As a consequence, I tried my best to be as agreeable as I could to everyone around me. This meant having no opinion, going along with what others wanted all the time, not communicating my needs, and trying my best not to upset anyone.

    Then maybe, I would be good enough to love. This was pretty exhausting.

    I developed OCD for a period of time, frequently staying in the bathroom for hours, performing hand-washing rituals until my hands were raw and brushing my teeth until my gums bled.

    If I performed these rituals, bad things wouldn’t happen anymore. My granddad, who developed terminal cancer, eventually gave up his battle to the disease after a long period of suffering, and the rituals stopped.

    Instead, I sunk further into depression.

    As a result of my negative thinking patterns and my deeply held beliefs, I fell into a series of damaging relationships.

    Just wanting to be loved, by them, by anyone, I desperately tried to make things work with guys who were either not right for me or, more often than not, emotionally unavailable. I was replicating the relationships that I had known from my childhood.

    Relationships are equal give and take, not the constant giving that I had developed in the hope of making people love me back. Instead, ironically, this pushed people away.

    The thing was, I was desperately looking for love, when deep down, I didn’t like let alone love myself. Secretly, I believed I didn’t deserve to be loved. I wasn’t good enough for anyone; what could I offer to anyone?

    I would sleep with men early on in the relationship, figuring that giving my body was the only thing of worth that I could offer.

    It all came to a head when yet another relationship failed. Each time, the other person ended the relationship, which dealt a blow to my already fragile sense of self-esteem.

    I’d slide into depressive episodes with scary frequency, when I would cry constantly, finding it a mammoth task to even just get out of bed, having no interest in life and isolating myself from people.

    Then one day, I had serious thoughts of ending my life. It was then that I knew it was time to change.

    Reaching out and receiving the help I needed was the best decision of my life. I spoke to my GP who referred me on to a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy counsellor.

    This time, I was completely honest about what I was feeling; I told them about the suicidal thoughts, about not wanting to be here anymore so I wouldn’t feel the constant pain.

    It felt like a weight had been lifted. I was able to tell them everything. I have had counselling before, but it hadn’t been right for me. Like most things, you need to keep trying until you find what speaks to you.

    CBT, which challenges negative thoughts, helped me to realize that I was automatically thinking negatively. It showed me that my thoughts were not fact. I started to understand about my deeply held beliefs, which colored everything I thought.

    Above all, it showed me that I actually had needs and wants; there were things that I wanted to do with my time and not just go along passively with other peoples’ decisions.

    In giving all my time and attention to others and not taking the time to receive back from them, I was hiding from the fact that I didn’t feel I was worth other peoples’ efforts.

    I was hiding from myself that I had deep-rooted issues that needed to be dealt with—and that I needed people to help me to do this.

    There are a few things that I have learned through therapy:

    1. Show yourself that you are worth caring for by starting to care for yourself.

    A tendency of people pleasers is to give relentlessly without a thought for themselves. Take time for yourself, pamper yourself—do something kind for yourself each day.

    2. Allow others to help you when it is needed, and don’t be scared to reach out.

    You can start with small things, like asking a friend to pick up a parcel for you when they are passing the shop.

    3. Surround yourself with people who help make you feel good about yourself.

    I’m so lucky to have an incredibly supportive and loving sister who listens to me and helps when times are tough as well as good. Spend as much time as possible with people who reinforce your self-worth, not bring it down.

    4. Say “no” occasionally.

    It’s important to assess what your needs and wants are and communicate these with people. Saying “no” sometimes does not make you selfish; it means you are taking care of yourself, and you will attract more respect from others as a result.

    5. Keep a positive journal.

    Note anything that happens that makes you feel good—positive feedback from a boss, a kind word from your friend, a compliment from a stranger—and remember to accept these, not dismiss them.

    6. Think about what you want from life.

    Think about what makes you tick and therefore a more contented person, able to receive from others.

    I’ve discovered my passion for photography, which has built up my confidence and therefore lessened my need to please people all the time.

    7. Don’t be scared to have an opinion.

    Occasionally, we really don’t mind either way. But if you do genuinely have an opinion on something, don’t be scared to speak up. People want to know the real you, not someone you think they want.

    —

    I am working through this journey of self-discovery, and no doubt, always will be.

    I am learning to accept the good things that people do for me and the kind words they say. I’ve realized that you don’t have to be perfect for people to love you. You don’t have to constantly give for people to want to spend time with you.

    I am enough.

    For the first time in my life, I’m devoting the time and attention I normally would reserve solely for other people to myself. You don’t want to forget about others, but you also don’t want to forget about yourself.

    In doing so, I’m building up my sense of self-worth and becoming more able to accept love from others. And just maybe, I’m also letting that other person feel a warm glow in their stomach too.

    Woman with open arms image via Shutterstock

  • A Simple Shift in Perspective That Can Improve Your Relationships

    A Simple Shift in Perspective That Can Improve Your Relationships

    Friends Holding Hands

    “I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.” ~Gary Spence

    Right after college, I joined AmeriCorps. Not really knowing what I wanted to do with my life, I decided to apply for a program teaching classes on HIV/AIDS. I knew a little about the subject, but I have family members affected by the disease.

    A couple of cities hosted the program, and I was accepted into the Chicago one. I’m from a small town in Colorado and, to me, Chicago was a huge city. Well, it is the third largest city in the US, but as people will tell you, it’s no New York City.

    After receiving extensive training and settling in, I was assigned to a drug and alcohol rehabilitation center mostly serving low-income minorities. I was a part of the health education unit.

    One of my first classes was to teach a group of incarcerated men transitioning back into society. I was going to teach them about HIV/AIDS and sexually transmitted diseases.

    Admittedly, I was nervous. Why would any of these guys pay attention to me? Are they even going to like me? These thoughts were racing through my head. 

    I remember walking into the classroom for the first time. It’s one of those moments you can vividly remember every detail of. Imagine a young white kid, plaid shirt tucked in, walking into a room of mostly African American men from poor Chicago neighborhoods.

    As I awkwardly walked into the room, everyone went silent. Perhaps it was my perception of that moment, but I have a distinct memory of the room falling silent and heads turning toward me. As a quiet guy, it was not something I reveled in.

    I can only imagine who they thought this nerdy looking guy was and what he was doing there. In that moment, I asked myself the same question. I was scared.

    As I made some small talk and introduced myself individually to them, the class started. Talking to people I didn’t know was hard enough, so this was a huge step for me.

    As I took a deep breath and tried to fully immerse myself in that moment, I said something that, looking back, would set the tone for the entire duration of the class.

    I said something like this: “As you now know, I’m going to be teaching you all about your health. But, it’s not about me teaching you. You all know a lot more than I do, and I want to let you know that I’m also here to learn from you.”

    The room fell silent for a couple of seconds. Then, one of the guys in the back of the room yelled, “Shawn, that’s not a problem. After I get out, I’ll give you a tour of the South Side. You’ll learn a lot real quick!”

    Other guys starting chiming in and laughing. I didn’t know if they were laughing at me or with me. But then, another guy reassured me and said, “Shawn, you’re going to do just fine. You’ll fit right in.” They welcomed me in and I felt at ease, like a weight was lifted off.

    Through this experience, I learned an important lesson about the human condition and personal relationships.

    I could have taught them all the facts in the world about HIV/AIDS and what they should and should not be doing. Anyone can do that. But to connect on a deeper level, to truly understand them, I had to remove my own biases.

    It was the first time I actually had to put myself in someone else’s shoes. I had to see things from their perspective before I could teach them anything. I had to truly understand where they were coming from. I had to understand their struggles, triumphs, and wisdom.

    There is a great story about a professor visiting a Japanese Zen Master. The professor wants to learn about Zen. He arrives and the Master begins pouring him a cup of tea.

    As the cup fills up, the Master continues to pour until the cup is overflowing. Astonished, the professor exclaims, “The tea cup is full. Why do you keep pouring?!”

    The Zen Master says, “You are full of knowledge. But before you learn Zen, you must first empty your tea cup.”

    For many years, I didn’t truly understand this lesson. Intellectually, I thought I understood the concept. But in that moment in Chicago, I experienced it. Looking back, I didn’t connect the lesson to that moment. It just felt like the right thing to do.

    To connect with people on a deeper level, you have to empty your own tea cup. Whether you are a son, daughter, mother, father, partner, spouse, teacher, student, mentor, coach, or supervisor, you have to be open to the wisdom of other people rather than intellectually try to figure them out.

    Over the next couple of months, we all grew closer together and they taught me more than I could have ever taught them.

    They had the experiential knowledge and the real world experience. They were open to learning the intellectual knowledge, but if I hadn’t let them know I was open to them, it could have easily become one-sided.

    I could have talked at them instead of with them.

    On the last day of class, we had some fun and talked about what we all learned in the class.

    At the end of class, the same guy on the first day of class spoke up again. “Shawn, don’t forget about our tour of the South Side.”

    We all laughed. We wished each other well and parted ways.

    Some of those guys I would see again in the building, and I often stopped by to say hello. I hoped the best for them, even though many of them (as they informed me) would end up back in the system.

    I never did see the man who offered me a tour. I frequently wonder if he ever made it. I may have taken him up on his offer.

    Those guys probably don’t remember me now, but I will never forget that experience and the wisdom they shared.

    We all connected on a deeper level, and a room full of strangers became some of my greatest teachers.

    Friends holding hands image via Shutterstock

  • How to Stop Shaming and Start Loving Yourself

    How to Stop Shaming and Start Loving Yourself

    Shame

    “Never bend your head. Always hold it high. Look the world straight in the face.” ~Helen Keller

    It’s discouraging, isn’t it?

    Walking around every day feeling as if you’re never enough?

    Comparing yourself to others and continually coming up short?

    You feel as if you’re not smart enough, talented enough, organized enough, or disciplined enough. You’ve made mistakes, some small and some big but all of them embarrassing.

    Fortunately, you and I are gloriously human and perfectly imperfect. We falter and fly, fall and triumph, cry, laugh, forget, remember, hurt, heal, dream, and love. Our one-of-a-kind uniqueness is amazing, really.

    I couldn’t appreciate this earlier in life due to a childhood in which I was too skinny, too clumsy, too emotional, too shy, too sensitive, too everything.

    When I was in kindergarten, I wanted nothing more than to stay inside alone and draw at recess. You can probably imagine how that went over.

    The teacher called my mother and informed her that I needed to go outside and play with the other children because I would never develop my large motor muscles.

    I already knew how to swing on the monkey bars, and I craved some quiet time. At the tender age of five, I decided there was something horribly wrong with me because too much noise and chaos set my nerves on edge.

    My secret guilt and shame for being so flawed began to unravel when I became a mother. Three babies in four years taught me more about love than I could ever have imagined.

    I wanted to protect and cherish the tender senses of self in my care, so I began reading every self-help book I could get my hands on. The more I honored the perfection in my children, the more generosity of spirit I developed for myself.

    My journey inward included books about dreams, intuition, and spiritual development, and in time I realized that my sensitive and nurturing nature was actually my greatest gift and not a trait to be deeply ashamed of.

    I can talk about it now from a genuine place of self-acceptance, but the pilgrimage from there to here was far from easy.

    What I have learned so far.

    It’s not about you.

    Stop taking it all personally. In the journey toward self-acceptance, this is rule number one. How others see you is largely a projection and has little to do with you.

    A great example of this is any politician. She may be viewed as an inspirational hero or incompetent fool depending on the person describing her. Same person just being viewed through vastly different lenses.

    If you have ever been brave enough to play the game where you ask several people who know you to describe you with one word, you’ve already seen the diverse range of perceptions people have about you.

    How people perceive you is more a reflection of the lens they are peering through than it is about you.

    Once you truly embrace this concept, it will free you from the weight of other’s opinions or judgments. How you feel and what you know to be true of yourself is what matters.

    Perfect people are annoying.

    Don’t try to be one of them. Nearly everyone I know and those I have consulted with have something about their pasts or their personalities they are deeply ashamed of or embarrassed by. It may be a dysfunctional family, failed relationships, or financial difficulties.

    We all hide our secrets convinced that if others knew, they would criticize, or worse, disown us. Some of us spend inordinate amounts of emotional energy trying to hide our embarrassing flaws, carrying around deep shame and guilt over our perceived shortcomings and mistakes.

    Unfortunate choices, bad hair days, saying too much, saying too little, getting jealous, and losing things are all part of what makes you gloriously human. Your mishaps are what make you relatable and loveable.

    None of us want picture-perfect friends because, frankly, they’re intimidating. We crave genuine friends. Friends who lock their keys in the car, fall for Mr. or Mrs. Wrong, and tangle up their Christmas lights.

    Embrace your weird self.

    I find it fascinating that billions of people walk the Earth and no two are exactly alike. If you are human, let’s face it, you have a few loveable quirks.

    Bask in your strangeness and you’ll attract your tribe. When you stop pouring energy into being someone you’re not, you have more time and energy to be who you are.

    In honor of my kindergarten teacher, I now stay inside and draw whenever I don’t feel like playing outside. So there.

    Words can and do hurt you.

    “Don’t be silly. You can’t do it. You mess everything up.” Sound familiar? If it wasn’t a harsh parent or teacher wagging a disapproving finger, it might have been coming from your own head.

    Stop the madness.

    If you wouldn’t dream of uttering such things to your best friend or child, then for Heaven’s sake stop saying them to yourself. “Oops cancel that” halts my negative self-talk in its tracks and helps me laugh at myself rather than heaping on more shame.

    A miraculous shift occurred when I began extending compassion and patience toward myself. I noticed that others began to mirror my improved inner attitude. My harshest critics were nowhere in sight, and my new friends were oddly fond of solitude.

    Now just imagine it. You make a mistake at work, at home, or in a relationship. This time, instead of beating yourself up, you calmly tell yourself that you’ll know better and do better next time because mistakes are great teachers.

    Doesn’t that feel better?

    Imagine being able to laugh at your blunders and accept your peculiarities.

    Go ahead, right now.

    Toss the burden of worry, shame, and guilt off your back.

    Sit up straight, toss your hair back, and say, “I am enough.”

    Ashamed girl image via Shutterstock

  • Take Off the Mask: 6 Tips to Be More Authentic

    Take Off the Mask: 6 Tips to Be More Authentic

    “Being who you are is another way of accepting yourself.” ~Unknown

    Years ago I struggled to be authentic. I was a consultant who worked with senior people in big organizations. As a black female fresh out of graduate school, I was frequently the youngest, the only woman, and the only minority in the room.

    Because I was so different from those around me, at least on the surface, I was concerned about how other might perceive me. So I put a lot of effort into portraying myself in ways that I thought would increase the odds of others accepting me.

    To make sure others wouldn’t underestimate me, I led with my intelligence, saying things to let them know how smart and knowledgeable I was and downplaying my fun-loving side.

    To make sure I wasn’t seen as militant or overly sensitive, I stayed quiet in response to comments that ranged from a little over the line to blatantly offensive.

    To make sure others felt at ease, whenever I was asked to talk about myself, I stuck with the most innocuous and middle-of-the-road stories that I knew were most similar to the other person’s life experiences.

    And here is a small, but classic example: Even though I had been yearning to own a snazzy smartphone case for years, I stayed with a neutral black one so I would be seen as suitably conservative instead of too girly or flamboyant. (Yes, I had it bad!)

    The irony of all of this was that, although this approach caused me to be seen as someone who was bright, competent, and capable, it didn’t exactly help me forge deep connections with other people.

    After all, how could it? The person they were connecting with was only a tiny fragment of who I was and, in some cases, a completely inaccurate portrayal.

    When I reflected on it, I realized that, while it was convenient to be able to say that I was behaving that way due to the demands of being in an unwelcoming corporate environment, the truth is, I did it in other places as well.

    Every time I agreed to do something I didn’t really want to do out of a sense of obligation, I was being inauthentic.

    Every time I didn’t ask for what I needed in a relationship, I was betraying myself.

    Every time I put on an aura of having it all together when in reality, I was feeling vulnerable and scared, I was putting on a mask.

    One day, after biting my tongue for the nth time at work regarding an innovative idea I had that I thought others wouldn’t agree with, I decided enough was enough. At that moment I committed to stop hiding “this little light of mine” under a bushel.

    Instead, I was going to unleash my true self into the world.

    Okay, perhaps unleash is a little inaccurate—it’s not like I became Sasha Fierce over night. But what I did do was take what felt like little risks in displaying my authentic self.

    I experimented by being more assertive and sharing my true opinions.

    I let my humorous side come out and told funny stories about my family and my life when I was at work.

    I said no to things I didn’t feel like doing—even a party that was going to be thrown in my honor that I didn’t really want to attend.

    I put a hot pink rhinestone case on my smartphone.

    So, what happened? Honestly, not much on the negative side of things. There might have been the odd person who felt a bit of discomfort in the moment when I disagreed with him, but it certainly wasn’t anything long-lasting or life-shattering.

    Instead, the results have been overwhelmingly positive.

    I feel lighter and more true to myself. I have deeper relationships, because it’s as if a veil has been lifted, and the people around me get to see who I really am. I’m more likely to get my needs met because I’m not relying on the other person having ESP to figure them out.

    And at work, instead of making others uncomfortable, being more authentic allowed me to build deeper connections. Instead of just seeing me as a brain in a jar, others began to see me as a whole person, a thought leader from whom they could learn, who had interesting things to talk about.

    It has made all the difference in my life and created a richer, happier, more fulfilling existence.

    If you are struggling to let your authentic self shine, here are some tips you might find useful.

    1. Imagine your older self sharing life lessons with you.

    Imagine your older self having a conversation with your present self. Perhaps this older version of yourself is on his or her deathbed, and s/he is giving you advice about how to live a fulfilling life.

    What would s/he say to you? Would s/he suggest that you spend the rest of your life dulling your shine, or would s/he tell you to be true to yourself?

    2. Check in with yourself.

    If you have been behaving inauthentically for a long time, you might feel out of touch with your true feelings and desires. Journal and meditate to get back in touch with yourself.

    Allow yourself to feel your emotions, and be curious about them. What are they telling you that you need to do? How can you become more of your true self?

    3. Start small.

    Commit to taking small steps toward being more authentic. Speak up about things you normally wouldn’t. Assert yourself. Ask for something you want. You don’t have to transform yourself overnight. Recognize that it’s a process.

    4. Be prepared for others’ reactions.

    Remember that others are likely unaware of the extent to which you might be stifling yourself. So, as you behave differently, recognize that they may need to adjust to the new you. While the responses I got were overwhelmingly positive, sometimes others didn’t quite know what to make of it. That’s okay.

    5. Don’t use authenticity as an excuse for bad behavior.

    I have worked with some clients who have been rude or disrespectful to others, and explained it away, saying, “I’m just being honest” or “I have to be authentic.” You can be authentic and kind at the same time. Be respectful.

    6. Recognize you can tolerate discomfort.

    Research shows we tend to overestimate how long and intense our unpleasant feelings will be in response to a negative event. So, even if others don’t respond positively to everything you do, know that it probably won’t be as bad as you are anticipating.

    Finally, keep in mind this wonderful quote by Oscar Wilde, “Be yourself; everyone else is taken.”

  • The Power of Apologizing: Why Saying “Sorry” Is So Important

    The Power of Apologizing: Why Saying “Sorry” Is So Important

    Little Girl Apologzing

    “Sincere apologies are for those that make them, not for those to whom they are made.” ~Greg LeMond

    When I was growing up, every time I took my sister’s toy or called my brother names, my mother would grab me by the wrist and demanded that I offer an apology. What’s more, if the apology didn’t sound meaningful enough to her, I had to repeat it until my tone was genuine. An apology was the basic reaction to any mistake.

    Now that I’m older, I see apologizing as more than just a household rule. My younger self didn’t understand the complexities of human pride and self-righteousness, but my older self does.

    Now, I see family members refusing to talk to each other for years after an argument just because neither side wants to be the first to let go of their pride and “break down and apologize.” But who decided apologizing was a sign of weakness?

    I think we’ve reached a day and age where showing emotional vulnerability can be viewed as a positive rather than a negative quality.

    People are becoming more aware of ideas like empathy and sensitivity, and everywhere we are being encouraged to talk about our feelings, to seek help, and to connect with others. Gone are the days of keeping everything bottled up inside to suffer alone.

    As we move forward in this time of self-knowledge and self-discovery, it’s vital to acquire the ability to recognize our own mistakes. Nobody is perfect, and we all will do something to hurt another person at some point in our lives. The difference, however, lies in acknowledging that we have done something wrong.

    This was hard for me to grasp, because I was taught that an apology should be an automatic response.

    It took me a long time to realize what it meant to say “I’m sorry” from the heart. Apologizing just for the sake of apologizing is meaningless. We cannot genuinely apologize if we can’t admit to ourselves that we made a mistake.

    This is where humility comes in. Can we look at ourselves in the mirror and say that it was at least partly our fault? Can we take that responsibility?

    Placing the blame on someone else is easy. Making excuses and skirting the subject is easy. Assuming the full weight of blame on our own shoulders, however, is very hard.

    I learned this the hard way with a childhood friend of mine. As we grew older, we started becoming more competitive in the things we did together, and eventually the playful competition went a little too far.

    It became a game of silently trying to prove who was better, and we ended up hurting each other over our pride.

    We refused to apologize or even address what was going on because neither wanted to be the one to “give in.”

    The tension kept growing, breaking apart our friendship. I wish I could go back now, because if I had taken responsibility for the mistakes I made, we probably could have resolved it easily and saved our friendship.

    Instead, I let my pride take priority over my relationships with the people around me.

    Learning to apologize is the first and most important step in the healing process. Not only does it show the recipient that you acknowledge their right to feel hurt, but it opens the way to forgiveness.

    It seems so silly, really. I mean, it’s only two tiny words. How can something so small be so powerful?

    Well, there have been various scientific studies on the power of apologizing, which have demonstrated that when the victim receives an apology from his offender, he develops empathy toward that person, which later develops more quickly into forgiveness.

    This is due to the fact that when we receive an apology, we feel that our offender recognizes our pain and is willing to help us heal.

    Timing is an important aspect to keep in mind, as well, because sometimes the other person might not be ready to accept your apology. Sometimes we need to allow time to heal the wounds a little bit before we come forward to say “I’m sorry.”

    An apology cannot undo what has been done, but it can help ease the pain and tension of the aftermath. It gives hope for rebuilding, and puts value on the relationship rather than the individual’s pride.

    Sometimes people don’t even realize the hurt they are creating around them by failing to take responsibility for their actions. Maybe it’s you, maybe it’s someone you know, but everyone knows someone who has suffered from this at some time.

    Now is the time to make a change.

    Often times those two simple words are worth more than a lifetime of excuses and explanations.

    Choose the path of humility. Choose the path of healing. Choose love above pride. Choose to apologize.

    Little girl apologizing image via Shutterstock

  • How to Make Ordinary Relationships Extraordinary

    How to Make Ordinary Relationships Extraordinary

    Happy Couple

    “In the end, who among us does not choose to be a little less right to be a little less lonely.” ~Robert Braul

    I’ve been married to my wife for almost ten years, most of them involving struggle and drama.

    I had two failed marriages before that.

    This qualifies me to give relationship advice because, well, let’s just say I’ve made every mistake someone could possibly make while attempting to be in a relationship, so I’ve definitely figured out how not to do it.

    Blunders, confusion, and oversights, not to mention abject failures, have bludgeoned me into a few realizations—the most important one was that being a self-absorbed, insensitive jerk wasn’t exactly working for either one of us.

    For so many years, the best relationship I can remember having was with my dog.

    The thing is, watching Beauregard chase sticks, or sitting on the couch together watching football while he scratched himself behind the ear, was hardly going to be the next best-selling romance novel.

    Don’t get me wrong; it wasn’t terrible. I mean, my wife Jeannie and I have never fought very much, but there was always an undercurrent of dissatisfaction and frustration.

    It wasn’t terrible, but then again, it wasn’t great either.

    Shouldn’t it be great?

    Almost ten years into my third marriage, I decided that’s it’s never too late to take responsibility and be the catalyst for change.

    My wife is a sensitive, caring, nurturing woman who loves her children and, I believe, loves me.

    And I love her. I’m a devoted, faithful husband. So what was the problem?

    Well, we had begun moving in our own little worlds. Together but separate. Our own interests and separate friends. We’d pass each other in the hallway occasionally.

    Taking her for granted just snuck up on me. She deserved better, and I knew it.

    Looking back, I can’t believe the amount of resentment and heartache I put her through, yet there she was almost ten years later—despite the frustration and bitterness, she was hanging in there with never a thought of giving up.

    Then I had an epiphany.

    If I were going to have the kind of extraordinary, fulfilling relationship with my wife that I knew we were capable of and deserved, I’d have to bring some focus and intention to the situation.

    How to Become the Partner Your Significant Other Deserves

    Bringing her flowers or cooking him his favorite steak dinner once every six months is kind of like putting a Band-Aid on a broken leg. It’s a nice gesture, but ultimately it won’t fix the problem.

    No, I decided to take a more fundamental approach—changing my attitudes and behaviors so as to create a different paradigm to work from.

    Here are the changes that had the greatest impact on transforming our relationship.

    Give in once in a while (even if you think you’re right).

    Picking your battles can relieve a lot of pressure. It dawned on me that I just didn’t need to be right about everything.

    I stopped digging my heels in and standing my ground about things that didn’t make that much difference in the first place.

    Sure, I still needed to set my boundaries, but now I make certain it’s something that’s truly worth fighting for. I found that most of the things we were getting upset over really weren’t that important for me to be right about.

    I found that if you can just let go and give up your addiction to being right all the time, things will smooth out substantially.

    You know the old saying. “Would you rather be right or happy?”

    Forgive yourself.

    Sometimes I feel like a mistake machine waiting to be turned up to nine on the screw-up-o-meter.

    We all charge off in the wrong direction occasionally, but some of the rock-headed things I’ve managed to pull off have been world class!

    I concluded that the only way to feel good about myself was to forgive myself.

    Once you’ve forgiven yourself, you can then ask your partner to forgive you. This will allow for a fresh start, and you can begin relating to each other in a more open and loving way.

    Tell the truth (but maybe not every fact down to the smallest detail).

    Being honest and forthright is the only way forward.

    I’ve always been faithful, and I’ve been honest about the big stuff.

    It was the $100 power drill purchase or the traffic ticket for sliding through the stop sign that I’d sweep under the table occasionally.

    I’ve learned that it’s about integrity and how you feel about yourself.

    Now I try to be open and aboveboard about everything I do. Even if I think it’s trivial and unimportant.

    That being said, its best to be more sensitive to your partner’s feelings by not needing to share every detail about things in the past that have no bearing on the present or future.

    For instance, things like the intimate details of prior relationships.

    (There is a big difference between being open and honest and insensitively over-sharing.)

    Practice random kindness and generosity.

    I know I mentioned earlier about how bringing her flowers or cooking him a nice dinner was just a Band-Aid.

    Be that as it may, I’ve found that occasionally surprising your partner with something great can move the needle toward extraordinary quite quickly.

    It doesn’t have to be anything expensive. (Or, it could be if it makes financial sense.) Just do something nice.

    You know your partner, so you know what that thing is.

    You’ll be amazed at how good it will make you feel to do something nice for somebody just because that person is your best friend, and they deserve it.

    The reaction you get just might be extraordinary

    Giving your all is the key.

    It can be very frustrating to feel that you’ve given your all to a relationship and not gotten as much (or anything) in return.

    It’s been my experience that you can’t change or “fix” the other person unless that person really wants to change. But if you can stay in good communication with your partner, make sure your boundaries are set, and most importantly (if the relationship is important to you), don’t give up, there is an excellent chance your partner will sooner or later have an epiphany like mine.

    This is what Jeannie did, and it’s one of the main things that eventually led to me waking up like I did.

    The most important realization was that I needed to give much more to the relationship than I had been giving.

    It’s Never Too Late

    Every relationship is different, but I believe that if you practice the above advice, as well as maintain good-quality two-way communication, your relationship will move from ordinary to extraordinary.

    All that’s required is a little focus and intention.

    Jeannie and I could have muddled along the way we were, and things would have been okay, but I chose to make an effort to make it extraordinary.

    What about you?

    Embracing couple image via Shutterstock

  • Why People Who Bring Enough to Share Are Happier

    Why People Who Bring Enough to Share Are Happier

    Girls Sharing

    “Joy comes not through possession or ownership but through a wise and loving heart.” ~Buddha

    We all have these random little personal philosophies or rules that we live by. Oftentimes, these rules are hidden beneath the surface, not in a form that we are aware of or is easily expressible.

    But I do have one particular “random little personal philosophy” that I live by (and am aware of!) and would like to explore further. It is my philosophy of tipping.

    This philosophy of tipping was thought up specifically with reference to tipping, say, in restaurants, but can easily be generalized. Here is the original formulation:

    I cannot afford to eat at this restaurant if I cannot also afford to give a large tip.

    Now, this doesn’t mean I need to give a huge tip each time—I just need to be willing to in advance.

    So, if I’m going to a restaurant where I know a decent meal will cost $20, I will commit before going in that I am willing to spend closer to $30. Generally, the tip will be fairly typical—about 20% for a good job—but the actual magnitude isn’t the point.

    What matters in this case is that I consider a large tip to actually be a part of the cost of the meal already. Of course, the tip is part of the cost of a meal, but I don’t think most people look at it that way.

    Rather, most people think of the menu price as the cost, and the tip is this annoying extra that you have to pay at the end. I’ve had friends who go out to eat with me, order whatever they want off the menu, and then find that they don’t have enough cash to pay for a tip at all.

    In my case, if I didn’t have the money available to give a sizable tip, I wouldn’t even make it inside the restaurant. After all, that would mean I couldn’t afford it.

    This may sound like a very simple life philosophy, and one that hardly seems worth reading about (let alone writing about). But the implications, when the principle is taken to its logical conclusion, are far more significant. Let’s generalize it now:

    If I am not willing to share something, I shouldn’t get it in the first place.

    Please, do not take this to be a legitimate moral or economic principle—it is pure and simply a life philosophy, or a heuristic for making choices in my own life. Your property is your own and you are certainly not an immoral person if you don’t share, but you may very well be happier if you do.

    A major benefit of all this is its fiscal sensibility. While you may end up spending more on tips and getting extras of certain things in order to share, you will ultimately end up being more careful with your finances and use your money less.

    This sort of mindset makes you far more likely to have a potluck with friends than to go out to eat, or to save money rather than spend it.

    But once you’ve really internalized the idea, you’ll also find yourself experiencing a significant happiness boost. Why? Because giving feels good. Being kind feels good. And sharing positive experiences with others feels good.

    Ultimately, it involves spending more time and money on others and less on yourself. You certainly shouldn’t be neglecting your own needs and desires. But when you do nice things for yourself, make sure you have a little extra so somebody else can enjoy it with you.

    Okay, great. So how does this work in practice?

    As a whiskey lover, I consider it a nice treat to drink a delicious, high quality whiskey. Jameson may be perfectly fine most of the time, but I like to have Johnny Walker Black Label around for special occasions.

    Unfortunately, JW Black is pretty expensive—it would be very easy for me to hoard it and not let other people drink any. Instead, I drink it primarily when I have close friends around. It’s a vastly better experience when shared!

    The nature of the material possessions that I tend to purchase is similar; I try to buy things that have more sharing potential. Most of my possessions at this point are books and DVDs, both of which I am routinely lending out to others or enjoying with them.

    Predictably, this lends itself to a more “simple” lifestyle. I buy a lot less than I could, but the things I do own have a high return on investment with regards to my happiness.

    A big part of this philosophy, though, is to share with strangers. If you are going out for a night of drinks in the city, throw an extra few singles in your pocket to give to the homeless people in the area. If you can’t afford $5 to give to five homeless people, then you can’t afford the $50-100 it would take to go out.

    It’s not just about money, either. The same principle can apply to the way you use your time.

    If you can afford to play video games all day Saturday, then you can spend an hour of that time volunteering at a soup kitchen or helping a friend move. In fact, studies have shown that spending time on others makes you feel as though you have more time available…cool!

    As with most areas in life, it is hard to apply a philosophy like this perfectly, but that’s not the point. I’m far from perfect with this, but even so, I’ve derived great benefits from focusing on this principle, and you can too.

    Friends sharing image via Shutterstock

  • How to Stop Tying Your Worth to Things Outside Yourself

    How to Stop Tying Your Worth to Things Outside Yourself

    Woman Relaxing

    “If you find yourself constantly trying to prove your worth to someone, you have already forgotten your value.” ~Unknown

    There’s nothing like being one of the few black kids in your school to make you feel like the odd person out.

    Well, that was my experience, anyway. I appreciate my parents’ desire to provide my brother and me with a safe neighborhood to live in and a good education, but growing up in a predominantly white area really affected me. I very rarely felt like I fit in among my peers.

    That didn’t stop me from trying, though. I did all I could to get people to like me—to feel accepted. Perfectionism quickly became my best friend.

    The pressure I put on myself to be perfect wasn’t completely unproductive. I ended up earning the honor of being my school’s first black valedictorian. I also lost seventy pounds and became a renowned soloist in my school district.

    But those accomplishments still weren’t enough to make me feel worthy. Deep down, what I really wanted was a boyfriend. Maybe if I could find a boy to like me, I thought, I wouldn’t feel so different from my peers.

    Unfortunately, finding a boyfriend proved to be difficult. It wasn’t until I was twenty-one years old that I had my first kiss and met my first serious boyfriend. Finally, I felt normal—all because a man believed I was special.

    The problem with connecting my relationship status with my self-worth is that I desperately clung to my boyfriend, despite the many red flags present within our relationship. It took nearly four years before I accepted that his behavior toward me was rather abusive and that I needed to leave.

    By the time I left that relationship, my sense of worth was pretty shot. It’s ironic that low self-worth is what led me to the relationship, kept me in the relationship, and what I had to deal with once I left the relationship.

    I learned the hard way that when we connect our worth with anything outside of ourselves, we’re setting ourselves up for failure.

    Yes, it’s a common trap many of us find ourselves in, but it’s a dangerous one. During the last five years of healing from abuse, I’ve eventually come to realize that my worthiness is an entity separate from my appearance, relationship status, and success.

    Yours is too.

    These days, I firmly believe that a deep sense of self-worth is the foundation each person needs to fully thrive in his/her work, relationships, and other life endeavors. Despite what society likes to tell us, weight loss, engagement rings, and becoming the CEO of your company aren’t what make us worthy. Such things just don’t have that power in the long-term.

    On the contrary, it is because we are worthy that we’re able to accomplish and enjoy such wonderful things. And when we believe we’re worthy, we bring more of our light into the world. We tend to attract similar light too.

    So, how exactly does one develop a deep sense of self-worth?

    That is the question—and the challenge.

    Here are a few tips to keep in mind when you’re looking to deepen your self-worth. The following list is certainly not a formula, but it just might get you thinking about how you can get in touch with your own worthiness.

    Acknowledge when you are seeking external validation.

    It’s common to seek validation from others, so I wouldn’t expect you quit that habit cold turkey. You’re human!

    That said, it’s important to at least acknowledge when you’re seeking it. “I’m looking for people to validate me so I feel worthy” might sound like a silly thing to say aloud, but you can’t address a problem until you acknowledge its existence.

    Then, think about why external validation is so important to you.

    Sometimes, when I find myself pining for more Facebook likes or a quick compliment from my husband, I stop myself and think. There’s certainly nothing wrong with wanting people to appreciate my work or my husband to tell me I’m attractive, but if I’m wrapping up my entire well-being in either of those things, I’m in for some major disappointment.

    Other people weren’t created to make me feel good about myself; that’s my own issue that I need to work on.

    Usually, when we’re urgently seeking external validation, there’s a fear underlying our desperation. Getting in touch with those fears is important because then we can determine whether our fears are reality or just fears. Most of the time, they’re just fears, and we shouldn’t give them more power than they deserve.

    Practice self-love by caring, comforting, and soothing yourself.

    Often, when we’re longing for validation, it’s because we’re in need of attention. Caring, comforting, and soothing ourselves, particularly during hard times, need to become common practices. A lot of times we can give ourselves the attention we’re yearning for; we just have to get used to doing so.

    I’m not suggesting that individuals can replace the role of community in their own lives; we still need loved ones to share life with us. But when we really value something, we treat it well. And you deserve to be at the top of the list of things you value, especially if you haven’t been for a significant period of time.

    In other words, treat yourself like you know you’re worth it and one day, you just might believe it.

    Be willing to believe you are worthy.

    You might not have a whole lot of self-worth today, but that doesn’t mean you never will. So, while you’re doing the work of deepening your self-worth, believe that you are capable of doing so too. Otherwise, what’s the point?

    Commit to the journey.

    Deepening your sense of self-worth is no easy feat. It is, indeed, a journey. And because of all the topsy-turvy feelings this journey might invoke, it’s wise to commit to it prior to taking the first step.

    Humans make significant decisions every day that require displays of commitment (i.e.: getting married, buying a house, adopting a pet). While I don’t think you have to plan a wedding ceremony for yourself (unless you really want to), I do think the decision to deepen your self-worth should be viewed as a significant one requiring the utmost commitment.

    In fact, I’d say deepening your self-worth is one of the most significant commitments any person can make. Don’t you?

    Grasping the connection between my self-worth and the way I treat myself was life-changing for me. If you’re struggling to believe in your own worthiness, I strongly suggest that you embark on your own journey towards doing so. That journey just might change your life too.

    Besides, you’re worth it.

    Woman relaxing image via Shutterstock

  • Why Being Real Matters More Than Being the Best

    Why Being Real Matters More Than Being the Best

    Friends

    “We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be.” ~May Sarton

    Have you ever compared yourself to others on social media?

    You’re not alone if you have. It’s human nature to compare, compete, and seek value in the opinions of others. To aspire to the heights others seem to have attained.

    But how real are those people we compare ourselves to really being? The ones who seem to have it all together? Perfect family, ideal job, loving relationship?

    I would venture to guess they’re not being very real at all.

    It’s true they may have a great partner, a great job, and well-behaved kids—some of the time. But like everyone else, they fall, they fight, and they make mistakes. They just don’t talk about it on Facebook.

    That’s where online relationships let us down; they fail to tell the whole story.

    I’m as guilty as the next person. I post pictures of my kids baking cakes, running along the beach, and acing the soccer game on a Sunday. But I neglect to mention how much I yelled at them for their attitude or constant fighting.

    I talk about date night with my husband but don’t mention how we argued all the way home.

    And I post pictures of inspirational life quotes, such as, “Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile” (Einstein) as though I’m living them every day.

    Because I, like everyone else, want to show the best side of myself. I have an inherent need to be liked and to belong. It’s human nature.

    But what if being liked and belonging is more about being authentic than being the best or getting ahead? What if in sharing who we really are, we are more able to find the connection we crave?

    A few years ago I attended a weekend retreat and workshop for personal development along with about thirty others. Not knowing anyone, I was nervous.

    We met for the introductory session in a large room and had to mingle for about twenty minutes or so before the facilitators arrived.

    What I experienced in that time was eye-opening to me. I watched as eyes darted around the room, each person looking for someone like themselves to identify with, be it through age, appearance, personality type (introverts, extroverts), or physical attraction.

    In this vulnerable state, where each of us was seeking to find favor with the other, we all were quick to disguise our true selves and to judge everyone in the room on appearances and first words.

    And for the first day of that workshop judgment remained, until the facilitators were able to break down our walls and encourage us to see the value in being who we really were—in talking honestly and not trying to be better than the next person.

    To do so required being vulnerable. But once one person began to speak honestly about their fears and their struggles, it gave the next person permission to do the same. This continued until we all let down our guards and spoke honestly about our struggles and fears.

    The result was incredible. The connections I made that weekend were real, honest, and close.

    Once I saw my fellow participants for who they really were, all judgment fell away and I felt nothing but genuine love for them. Because when we see one another in our true light, it doesn’t make us weak; it makes us the same. We see how we are all human and in this thing called life together.

    It’s not being the best or getting ahead that meets our true desires; it’s being real and doing life together.

    What if we were to share our truth on social media? To talk about a bad day instead of always trying to be great?

    And what if instead of saying “I’m fine” to the next friend who asks, “How are you doing?” we could instead respond with “I’ve had a hard time lately”?

    Sometimes that leap of faith in the response is the first step toward living an authentic life and being true to ourselves. Because being anything less than who we really are just isn’t worth it.

    Friends image via Shutterstock

  • You Don’t Need Other People to Validate Your Feelings

    You Don’t Need Other People to Validate Your Feelings

    “When you give another person the power to define you, then you also give them the power to control you.” ~Leslie Vernick

    It’s coming up on the anniversary of when I left a relationship that was both my unhealthiest and my greatest catalyst for growth.

    While I’m able to see that he was a spiritual assignment I needed in order to evolve, I can’t help but feel resentful. But what surprises me isn’t my anger at him; it’s my anger at myself. Let me explain.

    Disastrous relationships are nothing new for me. My past is riddled with complicated, codependent, and crazy encounters. To cope, I’ve blamed my partners, I’ve blamed myself, and for a brief period of time, I thought I found the answer in couples therapy. Never before have I been more wrong.

    Like any self-help junkie, I made it my business to learn everything I could about the philosophy behind what I hoped would save my relationship. I attended a lecture by Harville Hendrix, founder of Imago Therapy. He spoke on how we can change the world by changing our relationships.

    That sounded interesting, so I kept listening.

    He went on to explain how we strive to connect with others in order to experience a taste of the joy and love we once received from our primary caregivers. This connection is our deepest desire and losing it is our greatest fear.

    And then it hit me. It’s counter-intuitive to look to relationships to fix wounds from our past. Did I really want to continue that pattern?

    The belief that I might find joy in a relationship because it might temporarily quell a deeper abandonment issue is the exact reason I remained codependent for most of my life. I’d been searching for a Band-Aid to cover a hemorrhage.

    Like most people, I crave the feeling of safety. Whether through touch or through words, validation that I’m worthy was like a drug. And boy, was I an addict!

    So it was no surprise in couples therapy, when our therapist explained to my then boyfriend that he needed to say that he “heard” me and that my feelings were “legitimate” and “made sense” that I felt like I had finally won.

    But that victory was brief. In fact, it depressed me even more. Because none of it was real.

    Why? Because in the midst of a heated battle about whether he was actually going to follow through on a promise he made, a light bulb went off:

    I really don’t need him to validate that my feelings are okay. The fact that I need him to tell me I have a right to feel this way is exactly what’s keeping me in a relationship that’s wrong for both of us. Whether or not another person sees it, I have a right to feel the way I feel.

    It turns out there is a fine line between wanting your partner to understand you and wanting your partner to validate your feelings. For years, I wanted others to confirm that my feelings were okay to have.

    And ultimately, the belief that feelings need to be validated to be valid was the cause of my codependency.

    Here’s what it comes down to: If you don’t believe your feelings are genuine, real, and legitimate, nothing your partner says will make a difference. Whether or not your partner gets you is secondary to honoring your own feelings.

    And while I loved pathologizing what was wrong with my ex, what you give your attention to only grows.

    Taking inventory and focusing on your partner’s inability to understand you will only create a deeper void to fill. All that negativity creates anxiety, blocking your inner guidance, strength, and resilience.

    After all, your partner isn’t going to fix your old wounds. You are.

    For the record, I’m not saying couples therapy is bad or that it wasn’t helpful for me. One just needs a strong sense of self and a clear picture of what they want to achieve.

    So here’s the solution: Give it to yourself. Heal your core fears and wounds and stop thinking that someone else will fix it for you. You can spend the rest of your life craving a connection with others when what you’re really searching for is a connection with yourself.

  • How to Tell When Someone Needs a Friend

    How to Tell When Someone Needs a Friend

    Two Friends Laughing

    “Don’t wait for people to be friendly. Show them how.” ~Unknown

    When I was in high school I was shy, to say the least. I guess a more accurate description would be to say that I was insecure. Painfully insecure.

    Looking back, I don’t know why I cared so much. But I did. I was too insecure to ever say hi to anyone in any of my classes, or to try to sit with anyone new at lunch.

    There were even some days when I went through the entire school day without speaking a word. I felt utterly alone and certainly friendless.

    One day, though, for no discernible reason whatsoever, a kid on my school bus started talking to me. He lived a few houses down the road from me, and his sister went to the same elementary school where mine did.

    We didn’t really talk about anything all that significant, but he seemed to actually be listening to what I had to say, and I felt like someone really cared about what I had to talk about—even if it was nothing at all.

    I’ve tried to model myself after this guy since then. To be a genuinely good listener and to go out of my way to help someone who looks like he or she is having a bad day. It’s a great feeling—feeling like someone wants to hear your thoughts.

    But it can be pretty easy to get caught up in the on-goings of our daily lives. So much so, that we may not notice when others around us need someone to talk to.

    Being able to recognize the signs of someone in need of a friend is important. It’s important to that person because loneliness not only makes you feel bad, but it has also been linked to health problems like higher stress, a negative life outlook, and a less-healthy immune system.

    However, being able to recognize when someone is in need of a friend can be important for you, too.

    The more people you reach out to and form meaningful relationships with, the more friends you will have. This helps fulfill your biological need to be social and can give you extended support systems and greater life happiness.

    So often, though, we don’t want to reach out to others in need of a friend because we’re “too busy” with what we’re doing at the moment or because we simply don’t notice the signs that they need someone to talk to.

    But we need to notice, and we need to care enough to do something about it when we notice.

    More than 800,000 people worldwide commit suicide each year, according to the World Health Organization. And while my purpose in writing this is not to focus on suicide and its prevention, I think it is worth mentioning that having a friend to talk to could do a lot for a potentially suicidal person. It can do a lot for any person.

    Here are some subtle signs that someone might be in need of a friend. Take a few minutes of your day to ask them how they’re doing, offer a smile, or just shoot the breeze with them. 

    They often do things by themselves.

    This could just be shyness, or it could be a sign that someone is uncomfortable reaching out to others.

    If you know someone who tends to stay removed from groups and conversations, they might simply need someone else to take the initiative. Many people want to talk to their coworkers and peers more—they just don’t know how to start.

    They try really hard to make small talk.

    Pay attention to acquaintances who regularly ask what you’re doing for the evening, what you think of the weather, and if you saw the latest episode of whatever show you both watch.

    True, sometimes such small talk is just polite conversation made to ease an awkward silence, but it can also be a sign that someone needs a little human interaction. Try to ask them a few questions about their plans now and then, too.

    Their hobbies are their entire lives.

    A 2011 study published in the Journal of Consumer Research suggests that lonely people sometimes form attachments with their possessions or hobbies because they don’t have enough social connections to feel fulfilled.

    So yeah, you may find it kind of odd that your coworker collects and names various kinds of plants, but that person might just need a friend to offer their company instead. Take the initiative to ask the person about their hobbies and establish some things you have in common with them.

    They spend way too much time on social media.

    To some extent, we all spend a little more time on Pinterest and Facebook than we should. But if you know someone who is not only on social media all the time, but is also talking about it all the time, that person may simply not have enough real life friends to put their social friends in perspective.

    They ruminate on negative things.

    According to research published in the journal Current Directions in Psychological Science, lonely people tend to spend more time focusing on stressful experiences. People who tend to dwell on their negative experiences—even the seemingly small ones—are likely spending too much time alone.

    That driver who cut your coworker off in traffic last week? Still an issue. However, it might only be an issue because that person isn’t getting the external social stimuli he or she needs.

    While one of these signs could warrant taking a few minutes out of your day to ask how someone is doing, someone who displays several of these behaviors might really need a friend to hang out with. Make yourself available for a movie and some drinks, or suggest getting together over the weekend to check out that hiking trail you’ve been eyeing up.

    Granted, you won’t be able to help everyone. People suffering from a serious medical condition like depression or a bipolar disorder may be less receptive to your “Hey, man, how’s it going?” But that’s no reason not to try.

    And as far as that kid on my school bus who spoke to me way back when, I still remember him and think about him often. Granted, I did end up marrying him, but that’s another story for another day.

    Friends talking image via Shutterstock

  • How to Know If You’re with the Right Person

    How to Know If You’re with the Right Person

    Couple Silhouette

    “Our lives improve only when we take chances and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.” ~Walter Anderson

    I’m not actually interested in telling you if you’re with the right person. I’m interested in you discovering who you really are. If you’re not in the right relationship, you probably shouldn’t try so hard to make it “work.” Sometimes the right thing to do is walk away.

    But the big gap here is in the knowing. The knowing if it’s right or not. The truth is that you don’t actually need somebody else to tell you what the truth is. In fact, that’s the last thing you need.

    What you really need is to uncover your own truth so you can live according to it.

    If you’re not sure if your partner is for you, then you’re living in your head. You’re ignoring your truth—the deep part of yourself that is screaming at you to leave or to stop fighting or to open your heart. Whatever your truth is, it’s inside you and it’s dying to be heard.

    Relationships are tough. I totally get it. The songs of heartbreak tell the stories of our human weakness, and I’ve cried to many of them.

    The deeper untold story is that we’ve lost ourselves. We don’t live in a world where we’re taught to look inward to resolve ourselves. We look outward to fulfill ourselves, a feat that leaves us defeated time after time.

    I have discovered that when you live according to the deeper truth within yourself, you become happy in circumstances you never thought you would have been happy in.

    Maybe you’re single or divorced or childless or on a new career path or living in a new town; you’re somewhere, and you thought you’d be somewhere else.

    You thought that trying to control the outcome would result in your happiness. The irony is that the things we think are right for ourselves are often the things that are holding us back from discovering what is actually right for ourselves.

    I once shared a depth of love with a man in a way I’d never experienced before. Circumstances beyond our control ended the relationship. We did a back and forth thing—a few times. Then we really let it go; we both believed it was over.

    After months without words we reconnected and discovered that the profound love between us still remained. But there was a deeper truth we each recognized within ourselves. Even though we shared this beautiful connection, love, and respect for one another, we wanted different things.

    I wanted to experience depths of intimacy that he didn’t feel capable of at that time. So we parted ways once again. Respectfully. Gracefully. With love. And it doesn’t mean it was easy. But it was right, and we weren’t confused about it because we both knew ourselves.

    You see, the love that we’ve become accustomed to is not actually love. Our desire to possess another doesn’t come from love; it comes from fear. And that fear comes from a lack of confidence, a lack of self-love. 

    The desire to control things and manipulate them to satisfy our ideal outcome does not come from love. It comes from the fear of letting go, the fear that things aren’t going to turn out the way you want them to.

    Maybe you’ve misinterpreted your fear for love. You give it to your other in desperation. It’s missing the genuine gift of heart, the fully embracing warmth of love that is timeless and boundless.

    Love knows you do not own another, and rooted in this love you do not want another to ever be your possession. What you want for them is the greatest life offers up to us. You want for them to be whole, to feel love, to be honored by themselves.

    True love wants movement. It wants to share and rejoice. It expresses diversely. We don’t all mesh in the same way. We’re not all for each other.

    So how do you know if you’re with the right person? The answer is that you have to know yourself. Sorry, but this is the hard work of love. 

    It starts with you. This is your job: Know yourself. Be happy with yourself. Love yourself.

    It’s not your job to give what you don’t have or to take on the impossible burden of fixing someone else.

    When you lose yourself in another, when you confuse their problems for your own, when you deny another the freedom of pursuing their soul’s journey, you do a great disservice to two incredible human beings.

    Only when you know yourself will you be able to know if someone else is right for you.

    When you know what it feels like to be in tune with your core, your essence, your spirit, your whatever-you-want-to-call-it, your soul will scream out YES! or NO! when you’re with another person.

    Your soul will respond ferociously.

    It’s already screaming now.

    The question is: Are you listening?

    Couple silhouette via Shutterstock

  • 9 Things to Tell Yourself When You’re Afraid to End a Relationship

    9 Things to Tell Yourself When You’re Afraid to End a Relationship

    “F-E-A-R has two meanings: ‘Forget Everything And Run’ or ‘Face Everything And Rise.’ The choice is yours.” ~Zig Ziglar

    No matter how old I get, no matter how experienced I become, ending a relationship is agonizing.

    It represents a loss, and losses hurt.

    Deep down, I know if I go through with it, I’ll feel freer—well, not right away, but in a little while anyway—but I’d rather crawl under a rock and ignore the whole thing.

    When I was a teen, I went out with a guy who had a major crush on me, although I wasn’t attracted to him. After four months I wanted out, so I completely disappeared! I ignored all of his phone calls, and that was the end of it.

    Another time, I hoped that my boyfriend would cheat on me and get caught so I could find a good enough reason to end things, which eventually happened. And in my twenties, since I lived with my boyfriends, I would just keep quiet, letting things drag on. Cowardly thing to do, huh? Yeah, I know.

    Later, I realized that I disliked conflict. I was afraid of it. I was afraid of the disappointment it would cause in them and in myself. And most of all, I was afraid of failure.

    Today, I’m no breakup wizard. Trust me. It’ll always be hard. But with time, I developed a few thoughts to give me strength to truly voice my unhappiness in my relationships, and they should help you too.

    1. One day these painful moments will be a distant memory.

    Think about your past relationships—the one you had fifteen years ago, the one you had ten years ago, or the one you had five years ago. They aren’t your current reality.

    Whatever current reality you’re living in will also become a memory five, ten, or fifteen years down the road. Thinking this way helped me lessen the importance of constantly keeping them in my mind.

    2. We’ll both be thankful I took action instead of regretful I didn’t.

    When I projected myself into the future without the other person, I imagined an alternate life where both of us were with the right person. I imagined us being happy. And then I’d think: How could we hate each other for meeting the real loves of our lives?

    Of course in the present moment, we’d be regretful, but in a different time of our lives, we surely would be thankful that someone decided to end things so we could be happier. Why not let that someone be you?

    3. Losing someone who makes me unhappy is actually not a loss; it’s a gain.

    Losing someone might make you feel like a loser. But if you think of the action of losing someone who makes you unhappy and wonder what it would feel like, it changes your perspective on things.

    When I did this, I felt strong. Because I then had the willingness to move, correct, and change the course of my life.

    And that’s an achievement in itself. Getting away from someone who brings you torment is the biggest relief. It makes you regain your freedom, your energy, and your life.

    4. Maybe we were meant to cross paths with each other, not meant to walk our paths together.

    Don Miguel Ruiz, the author of The Four Agreements, teaches us that we’re all messengers. We receive messages, or teachings, from people all around us.

    And we receive them at certain moments in our lives. Just as teachers came and went in school, other people will also come and go as life, or the school of life, goes on.

    And if you have nothing else to learn from someone, it’s simply time to take the other person’s lessons gratefully and continue to walk your path.

    5. A relationship is a chapter in my life, not my life’s entire story.

    Imagine being the author of your own adventure book. Picture yourself reading it and finishing a chapter. Then ask yourself: What will happen in the next chapter?

    And since you’re the writer of your own book, you can add as many chapters as you want. This approach really helped me get excited for my next adventure—which I admit, might be a little scary too.

    6. The moments we shared aren’t destroyed; they’re my opportunity to grow.

    We always think that when we break up, we kill everything else that was created from it. You can learn so many things about yourself from your previous relationships. In my case, I learned to be more present, more attentive, and more thoughtful. I learned that I had to give myself emotionally if I wanted to have a stronger relationship.

    Meditating on your past relationships makes you grow, and learning from them improves future relationships.

    7. A relationship isn’t real if I’m not real with myself.

    A relationship is about true communication and intimacy. Whenever you’re not honest with yourself, whenever you’re not true to your feelings, you can’t strengthen your bond with your loved one.

    Having an honest relationship with yourself might be difficult, but it’s critical.

    8. Leaving will hurt, but staying will hurt even more.

    If you can’t stop thinking that you’d destroy your loved one if you left, think about how you’d destroy yourself if you stayed. Bring the focus back to yourself and picture yourself in a distant future being in this exact situation. Do you like what you see?

    This vision made me see a dark portrait of my life. So I understood that I should only worry about how I feel about myself in the present and that I needed to stop worrying about others so much.

    9. I can break free because I trust myself.

    You possess a profound inner voice—an all-encompassing, nurturing, and loving voice. Its purpose isn’t to bring you down, but to elevate you and make you accomplish things that are so great and unimaginable that you can feel gratified beyond belief.

    Your inner voice will never lie to you. It will always express your deepest truth and guide you with the most precise discernment of what will serve your highest good—even if that means getting out of your comfort zone and taking risks.

    It has never let me down, and it won’t let you down either.

    Find the Courage to Break Free

    Sure, it takes courage to break the news to your soon-to-be-ex that you no longer want to go on. I can attest that you’ll doubt yourself. I can attest that you’ll procrastinate. I can attest that you’ll over-think things, wondering if you’ll make a horrible mistake.

    But you’ll feel invigorated once you free your mind and use your intuition as your guide. Know that:

    You are able.

    You are amazing.

    You are strong.

    And you deserve happiness. Whenever you feel stuck and unable to break free, bring up one of the above thoughts to give you strength.

    Then imagine your new course, as if you were walking on air.

  • Releasing Labels: Be What You Love, Not What You Do

    Releasing Labels: Be What You Love, Not What You Do

    Happy and free

    “Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.” ~Brené Brown

    I thought I was supposed to have a shiny job, the kind that makes people envious at cocktail parties.

    We had moved with my husband’s job again. I think it was move number six out of nine and we were over at a friend’s house. There were people I didn’t know there, and I could feel myself avoiding them in case they asked “the question.”

    The question was “So,” (pause to look at drink), “what do you do?” My brain used to do flips when people asked this. I thought it translated into something like “Is speaking to you of any value, or are you nothing very important?”

    I spent the party around the edges of the room, feeling shy and apologetic that I didn’t have a job, a title, a label.

    I was paying a penance for my new status, which seemed to be “wife of my husband” rather than a person in my own right. I was worried that they would judge me for my lack of label and think the highlights of my day were a spot of light dusting and some mindless daytime T.V.

    “I am a teacher in a prep school” was a totally respectable, “yes, I have a pay packet and meetings on my online calendar” answer. Then the other person would usually exchange their respectable answer.

    I cried in the car on my way home from the party. The pressure of having no label made me feel that all the others were bottles of fine wine (like champagne) and I was a bargain basement vino with a lot of sediment.

    I could see that we wouldn’t really learn very much about each other. So I am now wondering what questions I could ask to, you know, actually get to know someone.

    Here goes:

    What is most fun in the world for you?

    What song sings your tune?

    Oh no, they’re already sounding like chat-up lines, aren’t they? Do we only let people really know who we are in casual flirtatious situations? Is there no place for this in the everyday?

    I need to try again to suggest a way around this so you don’t get to the end of this post thinking, “Oh no, Tiny Buddha is not about cheesy chat-up lines; it’s about eternal truth. What’s up with this writer?”

    Right, new way of getting to know people, part two, or getting to know people 2.0. Okay. So we’re at a party and I have never met you, and that’s a shame, because you read Tiny Buddha and we could talk about all sorts of Tiny Buddha stuff.

    I’m brave. I am not hiding in the corner. I am ready to meet you (best unfreaky smile). Hi, I’m Deborah. I don’t think we have met before. (Oh no, the smile was freaky after all!)

    Then we start a revolution of introduction. The new rule is: (please pass this on so everyone gets to know the rule) you say a list of things you love and that you are crazy excited about, and you let that beautiful, joyous, unapologetic list circle around your essence.

    Yes, you are right, it still won’t fully express your utter fabulousness, but it is a better start than “I am a prep school teacher/lion tamer/accountant.”

    So do your bit, share the revolution of introduction. Then you get to be what you love rather than what your HR manager/business title says you are—and you get to meet people who are a whole lot more interesting.

    Happy and free image via Shutterstock

  • 6 Things to Do Instead of Comparing Yourself to Others

    6 Things to Do Instead of Comparing Yourself to Others

    Woman Thinking

    “Do not judge by appearances; a rich heart may be under a poor coat.” ~Scottish Proverb

    I grew up believing I was never enough. Ever. Not when I got all A’s in school. Not when I was in the talented and gifted program. Not when my father made more than enough money for me to buy whatever I wanted.

    I became an adult who compared herself to others too, always wondering why I didn’t have what they had or why I wasn’t as pretty or as cool.

    I brought this behavior into my relationships and my business. I would get super jealous to the point of stalking when it came to my romantic partners. I was controlling and pushy because I thought they would leave me for someone better.

    In my business, I would obsess over other entrepreneurs and wonder how they “had it all,” convincing myself that no one cared what little ole me had to say. I played the victim all too well. And it kept me stuck, alone, and broke.

    After a series of dramatic events, including a baby, a layoff, and a divorce—in one year—I hit rock bottom. It sucked, but that’s what it took for me to realize how terribly I was treating myself.

    I committed to making changes in my life, my behavior, and my attitude. I had to embrace who I was and who I was going to become. I had to risk becoming nothing to become something.

    If you catch yourself playing the comparison game often, it’s important to remember one thing: you don’t know anyone else’s story. You can only base your assumptions on what you see, and that’s a pretty shaky foundation to put all your bets on.

    A complete shift in focus and mindset around these behaviors needs to happen. Here are some things I learned to do instead of comparing myself to others.

    1. Compliment them.

    Most of the time, when you are jealous or comparing yourself to others, it’s because you think they have something you don’t. The natural instinct for most of us is to criticize them. We try to pump ourselves up in by putting them down.

    It’s a terrible practice and it puts you at a low vibration, feeling even worse. Instead, find something you really admire about them and compliment them.

    If it’s someone you know personally, send them a message or a note. If it’s someone you don’t know or someone with celebrity status, send a tweet or leave a nice comment on the blog. I guarantee you will brighten up their day and feel good about it.

    2. Believe in yourself.

    You are a beautiful, amazing human being. You were put on this Earth to do something unique. We all are. Unfortunately for some, they never embrace it and end up living unhappily.

    Believe you have a purpose and a mission in this life, whether it’s big or small. If you don’t believe it, then no one else will either. There are few people who will love you unconditionally. You should strive to be one of them.

    3. Embrace your journey.

    The comparison game is a sneaky trick. It makes you think you are on the same path as everyone else. Though some paths may be similar, every person has a different journey. Embrace yours.

    Stop comparing your beginning to someone else’s middle. You have no idea how much this person struggled or how hard they worked to get where they are. Stay focused on your own path and forge ahead.

    4. Find your awesome.

    Along with comparison comes a whole lot of negativity. We start beating ourselves up and talking badly about ourselves for not being as pretty, as smart, or as successful.

    Remember, you are unique and awesome. You have talents, traits, and accomplishments that make you who you are. Write a list of amazing things about yourself and put it somewhere you can see it daily. Make it the background of your phone or computer and read it to yourself all the time.

    5. Feel the fear.

    Most negativity comes from a place of fear. Fear of failure, success, looking silly, or being judged.

    Fear is something that never goes away entirely. The difference between successful people and unsuccessful people is their ability to see the fear and continue anyway.

    What are you afraid of? Identify it. Then ask yourself what’s the worse that could happen. Chances are, it’s not as bad as you think.

    6. Live in alignment.

    When I was going through my personal struggles, most of it came because I wasn’t in tune with who I was. I didn’t know what I wanted. I was frazzled. Something felt off.

    I had an insane work ethic, but I didn’t work on my relationships. I was preaching self-care, but I was overweight. When your life is not in alignment, it will always feel like something is missing.

    Take a look at how you’re living. Are you in tune across the board? If not, examine the areas you need to focus on.

    Comparison comes from a place of lack. If you find yourself doing this often, figure out what’s missing and where you can improve.

    Chances are, the person you’re comparing yourself to is reflecting something back that needs expansion. Pay attention and trust yourself. There’s always a deeper meaning. Figure out what it is, so you can move forward.

  • 70 Ways to Make Others Feel Special

    70 Ways to Make Others Feel Special

    Finger Art

    “Be the person that makes others feel special. Be known for your kindness and grace.” ~Unknown

    There is someone in my life that has an extraordinary talent for making people feel special. I would call him out by name, but he’s a fairly private person, so we’ll just call him “E.”

    It’s not that E makes people feel that they are somehow greater than others. He recognizes what’s special about everyone he encounters, and through his attention, kindness, and generosity, brings out the best in them.

    He doesn’t do this through grand gestures, and not with expectations of receiving anything specific in return.

    He does it because he enjoys making people feel good, and because he sees the good in them, he knows that they deserve it.

    In a world where it’s easy to focus on ourselves—our goals, our desires, and our plans—there’s something inspiring and, well, downright special about anyone who makes it a priority to truly see and acknowledge the people around them.

    I haven’t always done this well. Sometimes I’ve been too self-involved to shift my focus outside myself.

    But with help from some special people who’ve seen the best in me, I now know that every day—no, every moment—I have a new opportunity to do the same for someone else. And you do too. 

    How do you make someone feel special? 

    Pay Attention

    1. Stop what you’re doing and look directly into their eyes when they’re talking.

    2. Make a note of their likes and preferences so you can recommend joint activities you know they’ll enjoy.

    3. Recognize when they’re feeling down on themselves and say, “I think you’re awesome, and I hope you know it!”

    4. Compliment them on their appearance, especially if it’s something others might not recognize (like a small weight loss).

    5. Praise them for a job well done—especially if it’s a tiny victory that others might not think to acknowledge.

    6. Let them know what you find interesting, rare, or admirable about them.

    7. Take an interest in their hobbies and passions, and give them a chance to light up in sharing why they enjoy them.

    8. Compliment them on their skills as a parent or their thoughtfulness as a son, daughter, brother, or sister.

    9. Start a conversation with, “It’s really amazing how you…”

    10. Say, “I want you to know you make a difference in my life. Thank you for being you.”

    See Potential

    11. Tell them you believe they can achieve their dream—and why.

    12. If they don’t have a clear dream, recognize and acknowledge their skills and talents.

    13. Ask them questions to help them uncover how they can leverage their strengths to make a difference in the world.

    14. Encourage them to go for something they want but are scared to pursue.

    15. Comfort them after a failure or misstep and let them know it isn’t representative of who they are or what they’re capable of.

    16. Ask them to teach you how to do something to reinforce that this is something they excel at.

    17. Offer to teach them something you know they’ve wanted to try, and let them know why you think they’d be good at this.

    18. Give them something to help them get started on their dream—like a journal for an aspiring writer, or a design book for someone interested in fashion.

    19. Tell them you want to be the first one to buy their product or service when they inevitably start making a living off their passion.

    20. Give them a hand-made card and write inside what you see in them.

    Give Generously

    21. Give your time—to listen, to support, or to just enjoy each other’s company.

    22. Give them a job referral and say, “You’re the first person I thought of when I saw this—no one could do this job as well as you!”

    23. Give an introduction to someone they’d enjoy knowing—and introduce them with a compliment (i.e.: This is my good friend Avery, who’s a fantastic chef and one of the funniest people I know).

    24. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Instead of assuming they’ve done something thoughtful or insensitive, remember their goodness, and let them know.

    25. Give them your approval—nod your head when they’re talking and commend their thoughts and ideas.

    26. Give them space to work through thoughts and ideas out loud, even if you’re tempted to bring the conversation back to yourself.

    27. Give them credit for something they were right about.

    28. Give them the opportunity to shine in front of others when you’re tempted to dominate the conversation.

    29. Give compassion when you’re tempted to judge, and let them know what you admire about the challenges they’ve overcome.

    30. Give them your honest opinion and say, “I value you too much to tell you anything but the truth.”

    Be Affectionate

    31. Give them a hug when they’re feeling down, and hold it just a little longer than usual.

    32. Give them a playful nudge when joking around to show you’re tight like that.

    33. Literally pat them on the back when offering praise.

    34. Squeeze their hand when they’re anxious.

    35. Cuddle up to you partner instead of maintaining distance on the couch.

    36. Offer to give a massage to someone you know would be comfortable receiving it.

    37. Actually kiss someone on the cheek instead of giving an air kiss.

    38. Hold hands with your partner when walking outside (or, if you have friends who enjoy holding hands, go for it!)

    39. Sit comfortably close together to show you’re not avoiding physical connection at all costs.

    30. If you know they don’t enjoy too much affection, give them a handshake when greeting them to show you understand and respect their preferences.

    Share Yourself

    41. Share your fears with them to let them know you’re not afraid to be vulnerable with them.

    42. Share your feelings with them and let them know you value their guidance and support.

    43. Share your honest opinions instead of censoring yourself to show them you’re comfortable enough to be authentic with them.

    44. Share your dreams with them and let them know you appreciate their advice and encouragement.

    45. Share your resources with them—especially if they’re scarce—to show they’re worth the sacrifice.

    46. Share something you cooked for them to show them they’re worth the effort.

    47. Share your spirituality with them, and invite them to join you in practicing yoga or going to church.

    48. Share a secret with them to show them your trust.

    49. Share something that will become an inside joke between just the two of you.

    50. Share something you value with them to show them you value them more.

    Do Together

    51. Invite them to join you in doing something important, like picking out something for your partner’s birthday.

    52. Ask if you can help with something important they’re planning to do.

    53. Plan a surprise event for them, either to celebrate a tiny victory or just because you care.

    54. Invite them to something that will be a bonding experience, like a spa day or a sporting event.

    55. Buy an extra ticket to something you know they’d enjoy, and offer it to them.

    56. Ask them to join you in doing something regularly, like joining a bowling league, and let them know why it would be way more fun with them there.

    57. Include them in a group event to show you consider them part of the gang.

    58. Ask for their input in planning a group event to let them know you value their thoughts and ideas.

    59. Devote a weekend day or night (or both) to spending time together instead of squeezing them in for a quick lunch.

    60. When you’ve been busy, say, “I haven’t had much time lately, but I miss you! When can we get together and catch up?”

    Be Together

    61. Invite them to sit around with you, just to relax and enjoy each other’s company.

    62. Ask them if they’d like to enjoy the outdoors with you, whether that means lying in the beach in the summer, or drinking hot chocolate near a snow-covered window in the winter.

    63. Ask them if they want company when they feel drained after a long week, to show you don’t need a formal plan to be there for and with them.

    64. Offer to come over, while they’re home, so you can be an extra set of eyes to watch their kids.

    65. Sit in comfortable silence instead of needing to fill the air to show you’re comfortable enough to do this.

    66. Offer to stay with them when they’re sick, just in case they need anything.

    67. Invite them to join you in a technology free day—one without any distractions from simply being, together.

    68. Ask them to share their favorite way to relax on a day off, and then ask if they want to do this together.

    69. Invite them to join you in meditating. (If you don’t meditate, invite them to try it with you, at home or in a group environment.)

    70.

    I left the last one intentionally blank for you to fill in. What do you do to make others feel special, and what makes you feel special when others do it for you?

    Finger art image via Shutterstock

  • Practicing Loving-Kindness Even When (Especially When) You Are Hurting

    Practicing Loving-Kindness Even When (Especially When) You Are Hurting

    Hand Heart

    “Have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts.” ~Charles Dickens   

    All of us have been hurt or angered by someone’s words at some point. Some words are blatantly cruel, and others are deceptive, appearing to be in our best interest but only ever leading us astray. These are the messages that leave us questioning who we are or how we should be.

    I’ve been labeled timid and stuck-up. Speak up more, but stop interrupting. Be more assertive, but don’t complain. Be more outgoing, but be authentic.

    I’ve been called careless and a lousy role model and then questioned about why I am such a perfectionist. Lighten up. Don’t apologize so much.

    And my all-time favorite: your voice is off-putting and might scare the children.

    These are painful messages, and historically I’ve taken them to heart.

    When we’ve been hurt, we might try to get rid of the feelings by distancing ourselves or fighting back. It can be hard to regard these feelings as reflecting our desire for connection.

    We also try our hand at shapeshifting, becoming who we think we ought to be. This approach to connection can actually backfire. While we could feel more connected in the short term, we’ve also reinforced the message that who we are isn’t enough. Any guesses about what that does to us over time?

    Lashing out, hiding away, or conforming do not bring us any closer to connection nor do they leave us feeling validated or loved.

    For me, this is a big lesson in loving-kindness. Loving-kindness is a sense of benevolent affection, unwavering connection, and compassion for ourselves and others, even the difficult people in our lives.

    This lesson has taken a while and is admittedly still a work in progress, but it is powerful nonetheless.

    Loving-kindness does not leave us immune to negative emotions, but it is most potent when called upon in our less than loving or kind moments. Loving-kindness also does not leave us impervious to hurtful messages, though it can lessen their impact.

    When we are hurting or angry, loving-kindness can be especially challenging. It is therefore empowering to practice loving-kindness not simply in spite of feeling hurt but because we have been hurt.

    Finding loving-kindness relies on three things: our ability to love and be loved, maintaining our composure, and acting with good will.

    Have a heart that never hardens.

    Loving-kindness involves wishing peace, joy, and tenderness for others. It means celebrating successes, easing suffering, and cultivating feelings of friendliness and affection.

    We cannot do this with a hardened heart.

    A hardened heart is closed or blocked off. It may expect the worst or interpret hostile intent. A hardened heart is surrounded by not merely a wall but by a fortress of steal.

    With a heart that never hardens, there is ample room for warmth, forgiveness, patience, and compassion. Having a heart that never hardens also reflects our ability to love and be loved.

    Yes, being loved is actually an ability. Let me be clear. By ability to be loved, I don’t mean lovability or worthiness of love. I mean being able to allow others to love you.

    We make decisions about vulnerability, trust, and love when we’ve been hurt. We protect against vulnerability or we try again, decide that people are or are not to be trusted, and either open ourselves up to or block ourselves off from love.

    The key to having a heart that never hardens is to remember that your heart is strengthened, not scarred, by heartache. When words sting, know that this pain reveals an open heart.

    Trust in yourself to be able to handle it if and when you are hurt. Treat yourself with compassion in life’s painful moments, and take a healthy risk on vulnerability even when you’ve been hurt in the past. Allow yourself to be at peace when you are hurting or angry, and cultivate benevolence and goodwill rather than stewing in bitterness or breeding ill-will.

    Have a temper that never tires.

    Composure is another major component of loving-kindness. We all vary in our natural ability to keep a level head in the face of pain or anger.

    Anger is normal and natural, and it is even helpful when understood. Anger lets us know when something is amiss. It alerts us to threat or injustice.

    In truth, you will probably get ruffled from time to time. That’s just part of being human. However, this does not mean that you need to lose your temper.

    When we lose our tempers, we say and do things that we don’t mean. We can lash out, blame, and deny. This usually leads us to do anything but communicate.

    Acting without thinking often makes a bad situation worse. Not only do we still have the triggering event to contend with, but we now have the fallout from whatever we said or did when we lost our temper. It can become difficult to resolve the situation, and rather than cultivating peace, we create a crisis.

    Losing our temper doesn’t just harm those around us but also ourselves. We can experience regret and shame after losing our temper, and we ruminate about it later and work ourselves up further.

    Loving-kindness allows us to recognize our anger and breathe warmth and peace into it. It gives us a bit of extra reaction time and reminds us of our connection to this person pushing our buttons.

    To have a temper that never tires, know your triggers. Common triggers for anger are feeling threatened or vulnerable, having our goals blocked, and feeling mistreated.

    Also pay attention to the times when you are more susceptible to losing your temper. It may be when you are feeling overworked, overtired, and underfed, or you may be under the pressure of high expectations or demands.

    To keep your temper, knowledge is power, and knowledge plus acceptance is even more powerful. Acceptance doesn’t mean agreement, simply acknowledgement. Acceptance that it is what it is can go a long way toward defusing your anger and redirecting that energy toward positive action or loving-kindness.

    Have a touch that never hurts.

    Acting with tenderness and good will is the third component of loving-kindness. You can’t have a touch that never hurts if you have a hardened heart or a quick temper.

    A harmful touch can have two main functions: getting rid of pain and inflicting pain.

    Quite often, anger is secondary to pain. Somehow it seems easier to be angry than to be hurting. When we’re angry, we can place blame on someone other than ourselves and act out accordingly.

    When we are hurting, we can also turn our anger inward. We can inflict pain on ourselves in a variety of ways and for a variety of reasons.

    In contrast to this, loving-kindness is benevolent and gentle. It is approaching others with sympathy and care and using your touch to heal and comfort yourself and others.

    Having a touch that never hurts refers to both physical and emotional harm. Certainly, our hands can be used as weapons, but so can our words and our actions.

    When you are hurting, resist the temptation to hurt someone back through name-calling, gossip, or blame. Put revenge aside and focus on moving forward.

    Use your touch for healing, not hurting. Reach out to hold the hand of someone you care about. Scratch their back, give a massage, or high five. Extend a loving gesture toward yourself by putting your hands over your heart and simply breathing.

    Using your hands to build or create can also help you cultivate loving-kindness. Try writing a caring note to a friend, pitching in through volunteering, or simply creating something for your own enjoyment.

    Hand heart image via Shutterstock