Tiny Buddha

Category: love & relationships

  • Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships and Rediscovering Yourself

    Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships and Rediscovering Yourself

    “I am leaving you for me. Whether I am incomplete or you are incomplete is irrelevant. Relationships can only be built with two wholes. I am leaving you to continue to explore myself: the steep, winding paths in my soul, the red, pulsing chambers of my heart. I hope you will do the same. Thank you for all the light and laughter that we have shared. I wish you a profound encounter with yourself.” ~ Peter Schaller

    A few months back I was someone you could easily walk all over. I was afraid to let go of friendships because I feared having no one in my life.

    A friend would call me a sissy if I didn’t want to go out drinking with her, so I’d tag along and then feel miserable and angry with myself for the next few days.

    My wake-up call came when I learned that a friend had driven drunk and died in an accident. Even though I barely drank, I knew it was time to make a change.

    I had to let go of old friends who I only hung around to avoid loneliness, as well as one-way relationships. When you cleanse your life, both physically and emotionally, you create space for something better.

    I was tired of holding on to that man for whom I meant nothing; I wanted a relationship that would make me feel alive.

    I was tired of holding on to unhealthy friendships; I wanted friendships that would make me feel supported.

    I realized I had to stop sacrificing myself and my happiness for others. It isn’t healthy. Doing something out of love, to be helpful, is different from doing it out of fear or need, because you want validation.

    I also knew this would help me attract healthier relationships. When you start doing things for yourself, people pick up on that energy and can see and appreciate you for who you are.

    We can face a lot of resistance when we try to let go of people. A call, thought, or memory is enough to reel us back in.

    The ego loves instant gratification. The soul knows something better awaits us. We’ve got to do the work to move past resistance, and the only way is to move through it.

    If you, like me, have considered letting someone go, ask yourself these questions:

    How do you feel in their presence: drained or alive? Does the person always have your best interests in mind? Do they belittle you when you share your feelings? Do they make promises and never follow up?

    If you answered yes to the final two questions, it might be time to move on to make space in your life for healthy, happy relationships.

    If you’re afraid of letting someone go, realize you are doing them a favor. You’re not only creating space in your own life, you’re also creating space in theirs so they can find someone who is a better energetic match for them.

    It’s never easy to let go of the past, but when the pain of holding on is far greater than the pain of letting go, it’s time to take the leap.

    I’ve started incorporating a few practices into my daily life that help me let go; I hope they help you too.

     1. Express your feelings in a letter.

    Focus on one relationship that’s draining you and write a letter to the person you want to let go. Pour out your feelings onto the paper. The letter can be as long or short as you want.

    End the letter with, “I release you across all space and time. Thank you for helping me learn and grow.” Fold the paper, burn it, and bury it in the ground to signify a complete release to the universe. This particular ritual is magical. I instantly start to feel lighter.

     2. Clear your physical space.

    Physical cleaning is so helpful when you are letting go of the past. Our physical space is a representation of what we’re giving space in our life.

    Sell or donate any gifts you received, and burn any letters from the person you’re tying to let go. You’re going to face a lot of resistance; you’ll come up with reasons to hold on to these things. Remind yourself that this crucial to moving on and feeling happier with yourself and your life.

    3. Get clear on what you need.

    Write down how you want to feel in your life and within your relationships.

    This is how I want my life and relationships to feel:

    • Alive
    • Filled with laughter
    • Supportive
    • Loving
    • Understanding

    If you’re not sure how you want to feel on the whole, start with just the immediate future. How do you want to feel this month?

    4. Start filling the empty space.

    Now that you’ve created space by releasing unhealthy relationships, write a list of activities that will help you feel and experience your desires. For example, you could join a dance group to feel alive.

    Put a little time into your passion every day. Writing makes me come alive, so I make sure to write daily.

    As you start dedicating time to things that are important to you, the right people will come into your life—people who see and appreciate you for who you really are.

    —

    When you try to let go of someone, don’t be surprised if they reach out more than they usually would. They can energetically sense that you’re letting go of them.

    When this happened to me, I decided  to have a one-on-one talk and be frank about why I’d decided to move on. Do what is best for you.

    The entire process may seem overwhelming; take it one step at a time, and be aware of the emotions that will come up. If you remember that this is a normal part of letting go, and remind yourself of why you decided to move on, it will be easier to stick to your decision, in spite of your feelings.

    I pray you have the courage to let go of your past.

    I pray you make room for your best life to unfold.

    I pray you live a life beyond your wildest imagination.

  • 5 Things to Know Before You Enter a Relationship

    5 Things to Know Before You Enter a Relationship

    Couple

    “Relationships are about two individuals who maintain their own lives and create another one together.” ~Unknown

    I’ve never been one to casually date because I believe in the storybook romance of a whimsical love that withstands all odds.

    I blame this on my parents who met as teenagers and have maintained their marriage through both triumphs and hardships. Because of this, I always believed that my first love was going to be my forever.

    However, about a year ago I had to let go of the love of my life. He was my high-school sweetheart, and as we grew up through college and started taking our own paths after that, the pressure became too great.

    We weren’t living in the same city and he was working full time, while I decided to go back to school and wait tables on the weekends. It became clear that we wanted to take different journeys with our lives.

    Also, I began to realize that I fell in love with the man I wanted him to be rather than the man he was. I’ve carried a lot of guilt about this part of the relationship. He’s truly an amazing man, but I caught myself trying to change things about him.

    It’s not fair to push your partner to be different. People have to change because they want to change, not because they feel forced to change to appease someone else.

    I’ve spent the past year trying to understand and come to terms with my decision. I know I will always carry him in my heart, but I’ve learned that even the greatest of loves shouldn’t come between me and my intuition.

    I’m now single and actively pursuing a career that will open a world of possibilities for me. I’d like to bring to my next relationship the understanding of these five things below.

    Knowing and embracing these things will allow me to have a deeper understanding of myself, which will in turn allow me to maintain a healthy relationship with someone worthy of my love.

    Five Things to Know Before Your Next Relationship

    1. Know your worth.

    Far too often we stay in relationships that are less than gratifying because we don’t value ourselves.

    A fundamental change occurs once you realize what you are worth and what you deserve from a partner. Once you start believing that you deserve something deeply fulfilling, you will never settle for anything less.

    Any effort to try and cheapen your value will be futile. The tide will have changed. Not only will you start respecting yourself, others will recognize this and respect you in return.

    2. Know how to love with an open heart.

    This is particularly difficult for me because I am so protective of my heart. It’s a defense mechanism that served me as a child, but it has hindered my ability to get close to people as an adult.

    Loving with an open heart means embracing vulnerability. It’s essentially opening yourself up to the possibility of pain in order to strive for something beautiful. It’s not easy, but we can take solace in knowing we’re in all in this together.

    We all want to be accepted and loved, and we are all terrified of heartache and pain. Once we understand this, it becomes easier to let our guard down and let others in.

    Loving with an open heart takes extraordinary courage because nothing is more challenging than stepping out of the darkness and letting yourself be seen—but it’s worth it, because nothing is more fulfilling.

    3. Know how to be compassionate.

    The ability to recognize suffering and offer compassion is vital to a mutually supportive relationship.

    We all have our own story of hardship, mistrust, and loss, as well as joy, love, and triumph. By listening with an open heart and mind, we can find commonalities in each other’s stories and foster compassion and love.

    It’s not easy to nurture compassion in an egocentric society that sees emotion as weakness. Many of us focus on our own betterment without acknowledging the people around us, and repress our feelings to avoid judgment. But we need to embrace our own feelings to be able to embrace someone else’s.

    4. Know your strengths and weaknesses.

    Recognizing and understanding our limitations enables us to work on them and find partners who will complement us.

    This can be tricky because our strengths and weaknesses are often one and the same. For example, I can be demanding, in that I am constantly trying to push my partners to be the best they can be. I place the same expectations on myself.

    This is a weakness because I place heavy demands on partners, which can lead to disappointment and resentment. It’s a strength because it has pushed me to continue on my career path and achieve goals I’ve set for myself.

    It’s perfectly okay to have qualities that are both redeeming and sometimes difficult. That’s what makes us unique. When we understand those qualities, we can both work on them and seek partners who will balance them.

    5. Know what it’s like to be alone.

    Too often we focus on romantic relationship because we fear being alone, and because it’s easier to get approval from someone else than it is to validate ourselves.

    As a result, many people jump from one relationship to the next without fully understanding why the previous relationship didn’t work. This also leads incompatible people to get married or stay in relationships that no longer satisfy them.

    Knowing who you are alone is the greatest gift you can give yourself. It pulls you away from the comforts of a relationship and allows you space to understand yourself and what makes you happy.

    We all want to find our “other half,” but the best relationships occur when two whole people unite and allow their love to complement their already enriched lives.

    These components were missing in the last chapter of my life, but I am looking forward to acknowledging them in the ones ahead.

    Happy couple image via Shutterstock

  • 52 Ways to Tell Someone You Love and Appreciate Them

    52 Ways to Tell Someone You Love and Appreciate Them

    “The most important thing in this world is to learn to give out love and let it come in.” ~Morrie Schwartz

    As a child, I never heard the phrase “I love you.” Now, I hear people say it all the time—at the end of phone calls and whenever parting ways.

    When I moved away from my hometown of Adelaide, South Australia, twenty years ago, I noticed how much less I felt loved interstate in Melbourne, Victoria. Even though I didn’t hear “I love you” when I was in Adelaide, somehow I knew people cared.

    Soon after I arrived here, I had two wonderful children who’ve taught me all about love. They regularly tell me they love me, and I often overhear them telling their friends.

    This got me thinking: how can we let people know we care, beyond simply saying “I love you?”

    I decided to make a list of some expressions that we can all say more often to family, friends, partners, and even colleagues. Perhaps you could use one of these each week for the next year.

    1. You are special to me.

    2. I feel amazing when I spend time with you.

    3. You give me goosebumps.

    4. I feel safe sharing my secrets with you.

    5. I accept you as you are.

    6. I understand how you feel.

    7. Is there anything I can do to help?

    8. I always have fun when I am with you.

    9. Please tell me how it is for you so I can understand.

    10. Can I hold your hand?

    11. Can I give you a hug?

    12. You inspire me.

    13. I really appreciate it when you…

    14. You are one of the most amazing gifts I have ever received.

    15. I value everything you’ve taught me.

    16. The insights you have shared mean the world to me.

    17. Your thoughtfulness is a delight to receive.

    18. I will never forget how you…

    19. I feel so relaxed and happy when you…

    20. Seeing you when … happened made it all okay.

    21. I can feel it when your heart sings because it makes my heart sing too.

    22. I could sit next to you and not say anything and be at peace.

    23. The way you handled … showed me that you are truly…

    24. Your comments about … helped me enormously.

    25. I’m thankful to have you in my life.

    26. I could go anywhere with you.

    27. I believe your intentions for me are always good, even when I cannot understand what you do.

    28. I trust you.

    29. I can go outside of my comfort zone with you.

    30. Knowing you gives me courage.

    31. The world is less scary when I am with you.

    32. I appreciate that your suggestions help me make difficult choices.

    33. I lose all concept of time when I am with you.

    34. If something serious happened to me, you’re the first person I would call.

    35. You are so generous in spirit.

    36. Surprise me more often because I like your surprises.

    37. I love how you … whenever I need to …

    38. I hear your voice even when we are not in the same place.

    39. I feel connected to you even when I cannot see you.

    40. Your wisdom has saved me.

    41. I feel refreshed and renewed around you.

    42. I enjoy your sense of humor.

    43. Whenever I see a photo of us together, I smile.

    44. I appreciate that you think about my feelings before you do and say things.

    45. Your smile makes me smile.

    46. I love that you know me so well.

    47. When I think about you, I often remember when you…

    48. I want to keep you in my past, present, and future.

    49. I can be me when I am with you—I hope you feel the same way.

    50. Circumstance brought us together; choice keeps us together.

    You are so lovable.

    I love you.

    I know that the positive feedback I’ve received in the past has kept me going during the darkest moments of my life.

    I hope that by saying “I love you” in many different ways, the special people in your life will have good memories that can sustain them during the more difficult moments in their lives.

    How do you let people know you love them?

    I love you image via Shutterstock

  • Getting Real in a World of Fake

    Getting Real in a World of Fake

    Selfie Image

    “Nobody wants to be lonely. Everybody wants to belong to a group. The crowd is essential for the false self to exist. The moment it is lonely you start freaking out. Particularly in the West they have not discovered a methodology to uncover the real. To be an individual is the greatest courage. It does not matter that the whole world is against me. What matters is that my experience is valid. Don’t die before realizing your authentic self.” ~ Osho

    Authenticity. Courage. Vulnerability. We hear these words so often they’ve become a part of our daily language. But how often do we stop to investigate what they actually mean?

    I grew up within the gates of a fundamentalist religion that didn’t just discourage conformity, it taught us daily to demonstrate our opposition to the status quo. We were trained to speak about the awkward and practice the uncomfortable, sometimes in the face of hostile reactions.

    And so it was that, as a child, I learned the skill of both living boldly and sticking my foot into a person’s door so they would listen to what I had to say.

    Over the years, my vantage point became one of lone observation, both within my own “tribe” and when I was at school.

    I organized most people’s behavior into some variation of a desire for acceptance by their group. They wanted to follow a leader, or less often, to be one, all out of fear that if one is not accepted, one is somehow less worthy.

    At the time, I didn’t understand the great sacrifice people made for acceptance, stuffing away their uniqueness and covering it with a superficiality that was pleasing and likeable.

    Eventually, I left my own cloistered tribe after concluding that true radicalism is one’s ability to be courageously real—not in a bid to be different and unique, and therefore, somehow superior, but only to live according to what one believes.

    If you are on a path of seeking the real and avoiding the fake:

    1. Keep connected with the opposite of your tribe.

    We selected our friends because they make us feel good and they share similar tastes and desires. But with no challenge to our status quo, we risk losing out on vital learning.

    Our brain schemas are designed to accept familiar information and discard what doesn’t fit with our versions of reality. This makes for groupthink that ranges from boring to dangerous.

    Akin to the Facebook feed that caters to more of what we already like and know and creates homogenization, our tribe, bless them, are also prone to unconditionally support us, even when we are being unwise or thoughtless.

    While their support may feel good, it is also a disservice when they reinforce our faulty thinking and don’t question our actions.

    I have come to see a good friend as someone who can hold me kindly but boldly in the space of our relationship and ask, “What on earth are you thinking?”

    So don’t ditch all your old friends (unless you need to), but do challenge your viewpoints by talking and listening to the person you think is weird, reading the book that makes you shift uncomfortably, and exploring the activity that evokes a bit of fear.

    Instead of rejecting new ideas outright, play with them, think them through critically, and then keep or discard them.

     2. Start being real with people.

    The greatest challenge here is that we first have to be real with ourselves. This means becoming unmasked and accepting our strengths and foibles without shame.

    Only then can we begin to be real with others, because there will be nothing of us to hide.

    If we can accept our full, awkward humanity, then we can learn how to extend ourselves openly into what aligns with us and feels right, our purpose.

    We will know when to say “no” and when to say “hell yes.” We will speak our minds and take scary steps not because we have lost all sense of fear, but because we know we can be afraid and do it anyways.

    And we can meet conflict directly, without the misalignments that grow from avoidance, denial, and gossip.

    Speaking of gossip, when we are being real, we won’t do it.

    When we hear it, we will state that if a person has a problem with someone else, they should speak to them directly. And we will have no part in cliques that exclude others. Instead, we will seek other intrepid explorers, who also embrace life with the exclamation, “let’s be free of all of that.”

    3. Be in life instead of capturing it for Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter.

    I don’t know about you, but I reject the idea of capturing all of our sacred moments for social media instead of living them. And I battle with this personally, because I’m a documenter, but I favor tipping the scales toward real.

    In the movie The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, the famous and elusive photographer Sean O’Connell, played by Sean Penn, travels to the Himalayas for a shot of a rare snow leopard. Mitty tracks him down, and the two of them, perched out on a mountaintop, wait for the cat, who finally makes an appearance.

    Instead of taking the shot, O’Connell moves from the camera and watches. When Mitty asks him when he’ll take the photo, O’Connell replies, “Sometimes I don’t. If I like a moment. I mean me, personally, I don’t like to have the distraction of the camera. I just wanna stay… in it… right there. Right here.”

    You likely already know why this moment is valuable: it’s the only thing that’s real.

    You know exactly what you are losing. The tender touch your lover just gave you that you absentmindedly ignored. Lost. The book that lays on your lap unread, your son having placed it there long ago until he tired of waiting. Lost.

    Real time, with all its tastes, smells, and sensations, is irreplaceable. You have a choice each moment about who, and where, you want to be.

    4. Be in nature.

    If where you want to be is real, then immerse yourself in the greatest antidote for fake that we have in a social media obsessed, email-, text-, and like-checking society. Leave your phone alone when you are with the mountains, trees, or by the lake, with your beloved, your friends, or your little ones. It is rude and dismissive of their essence and humanity.

    Besides, at the end you lose out. Because there is no amount of screen time that can rival the pleasure of just one kiss, blowing all the wishes off a dandelion, or a deep breath of mountain pine.

    Selfie image via Shutterstock

  • Keeping Your Word and Showing Up in Your Relationships

    Keeping Your Word and Showing Up in Your Relationships

    Friends

    “The simplest deed is better than the greatest intention.” ~John Burroughs

    In former times, a person’s word was his “bond.”

    In fact, major business deals were transacted and solidified with a simple promise and a firm handshake. It was that basic.

    Court cases were reserved for hardened criminals, not contractual breaches. And trust? It was as much of a commodity as stocks and bonds.

    I miss those days.

    Based upon a number of personal and professional interactions over the last couple of years, it seems that not enough folks consider their word as binding, particularly when it comes to friends honoring verbal (or email) commitments.

    Don’t get me wrong: I recognize that “shift happens.” But being fickle can cause detriment to relationships, violate trust, and ruin reputations.

    Here’s a case in point: Earlier this year, I was immersed in numerous activities surrounding two major events, the first being my twenty year anniversary as the president and founder of a community based arts organization, and the other my thirty-eighth birthday (the sequel).

    Around April, I reached out to my small network of close friends to lend a hand, provide donations, or show support simply through their physical attendance at this highly anticipated two-day gala.

    After all, it’s not every day that a girl celebrates twenty years of faithful service, or their thirty-eighth birthday twice, right?

    As expected, the initial response was pretty good. Some pledged to bring food and drinks, while others confirmed they would minimally be on the scene to help celebrate and serve as hostesses.

    Fast forward…it’s the weekend of the big event, ushered in with a Saturday framed in near-perfect weather and attendance by old acquaintances and new. Though it was a nice sized crowd for the gathering, when I scanned the faces, I noticed that four friends failed to show up; some didn’t even call to offer apologies or explanations.

    Of the ones that didn’t show up, two were supposed to bring dishes and drinks that I relied on to complete my carefully planned menu, which left me scrambling to make last minute substitutions and some experimental combinations. Not cool.

    In all fairness, I should add that overall these pals are quality people who have added greatly to my quality of life over the years. I have been able to count on them for moral support, constructive criticism, and even an emergency loan or two.

    As such, this is not intended to diminish them in any way. It’s for edification. I’d like to think of it as a Public Service Message.

    We’re all busy. Demanding jobs, elderly parents, personal obligations, projects around the house—it seems that the list never ends.

    Still, friendships require ongoing give and take and sacrifice. There‘s no need to keep an open tally of who does what, or when, just a moral obligation to be honest, accountable, and trustworthy—to respond to an S.O.S when it’s issued.

    The role of a true friend is to uplift, not to let down.

    Amid all the chaos and uncertainty of the day, I kept smiling and the function ended on a high note. Thankfully.

    In retrospect, I never want to have a “Plan B” when dealing with “A-list” friends.

    Determined to make this a “teachable moment,” here’s what I concluded after I took the time to reflect. Perhaps these lessons will serve you well in future times too.

    People define friendship differently.

    Just because you share history together does not mean you should necessarily share a future. Choose friends with a similar value system for greater compatibility and lasting results.

    Don’t be bitter, be better.

    Look for the opportunities in adversity. With this situation, I was forced to have some heart-to-heart chats with friends (that were long overdue), that hopefully will lead to a better understanding of our relationship needs and foster greater respect moving forward.

    A wise man once said, “We teach people how to treat us by the things we accept.”

    If something a friend has done causes you to feel betrayed or offended, speak up, gently. Don’t let wounds fester, or suffer in silence. There are far too many people carrying grudges against others who have no idea what they’ve done wrong, and as such, they can‘t apologize or correct their behavior.

    Most importantly, remember that not keeping your word can cause you to lose valued friendships.

    And more often than not, it’s really not worth the gamble.

    Best friends image via Shutterstock

  • Forgiving and Refusing to Let Bad Things Change Us

    Forgiving and Refusing to Let Bad Things Change Us

    Woman watching sunset

    “Humbleness, forgiveness, clarity and love are the dynamics of freedom. They are the foundations of authentic power.” ~Gary Zukav

    It was a little after 9:00 PM when my mother’s next-door neighbor called upset, hysterical even. Within seconds of hearing her voice, I knew something wasn’t right.

    I was getting one of those calls that everyone dreads. Deep breath. She said that my mother had been brutally attacked and had been taken to the hospital.

    Breathe Leslie.

    “What happened?” I asked in my calmest voice, trying hard to listen and not react. “Where is she? What hospital?”

    A family friend had taken advantage of my mother’s kindness. My mother had prepared a special birthday dinner for him, but that wasn’t enough. He wanted more, he wanted money, so he hit her repeatedly over the head with a wooden statue, hoping that she would give in.

    For years, he helped Mom with odd jobs around the house, and now he was her assailant. The amount of blood loss, the tears, the hurt and betrayal—it was the beginning of the longest year of my life.

    Prior to this incident, I was obsessed about living “the dream,” but the truth is I wasn’t happy. I was a control freak who suddenly felt out of control. My desire to marry and have the perfect family no longer seemed important.

    After waiting for hours in the hospital, I entered my mother’s room and broke down at the sight of her ballooned face and shaved head. She was unrecognizable.

    How could he have done this to the sweetest woman on earth? She’s alive, so why am I still angry?

    Many of my friends and family members thought I’d be more equipped to handle an incident of this magnitude, since I’m a licensed social worker who works with non-profit organizations and families. But it was beyond challenging, and there was still so much work and healing to be done.

    Some days later, my mother told us the entire story. She said that when the wooden statue broke, her former handyman grabbed a large crystal vase to continue the beating.

    My mother was fighting back and yelling at him to stop. Then all of the sudden he turned around, gently set the vase on the dining room table, and walked out the front door.

    He had spared her life, and yet I still felt surges of anger flood my body several times throughout the day.

    My mother didn’t start to resemble herself until her second week in physical therapy. Her hair was growing back and she could smile again. I felt relieved because it meant that she had survived.

    As soon as she was able to formulate thoughts and words, she expressed her well wishes toward her attacker. By the time her physical therapy sessions had ended, she had completely forgiven him.

    We knew he had a history of substance abuse, and his defense attorney tried to plead mental illness. He may have been under the influence of drugs when he attacked her, though we can’t be sure.

    Regardless of what compelled him to commit such a horrible act, my mother recognized a hidden blessing in this tragedy: she’d wanted to move closer to her family for some time, and she’d been putting it off until this incident.

    This was the catalyst for something that’s made her genuinely happy, and that helped her let go and forgive.

    A Testament of Love and Forgiveness

    In the book, The Giant Within Us, it reads, “Forgiveness is the miracle of a new beginning. It is to start where we are, not where we wish we were.” I kept hoping to be where my mother was in her process of forgiving, but I wasn’t. This frustrated me.

    When it came to me letting go of the hurt and anger, my approach was vastly different than my mother’s.

    Three practices that worked for me were:

    • Practicing yoga and meditating
    • Expressing gratitude coupled with positive thinking
    • Energy healing

    In the morning, I practiced yoga and meditation, which introduced calm to my day and helped me realize there was so much for which to be grateful.

    When the hurt and anger resurfaced, I brought my attention to my mother’s smile and the sound of her sweet voice until my thoughts faded into nothingness again.

    On the days when I felt extremely low, doing my best in the moment and being positive were equally important. I spent some afternoons walking on my treadmill while watching sci-fi movies. It’s all I had energy for at the time and I told myself that it was okay.

    Months after the attack, a friend suggested that I reach out to an energy healer or practitioner because I was having trouble sleeping. The sessions were relaxing, which greatly decreased my overall stress level.

    The result was that I felt more balanced and clear-headed, and over time the pain and anger disappeared.

    My mother joined a Senior Citizen Center to spend more time outdoors and enjoy life with her peers. She also found peace through engaging in therapy sessions to address her post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

    It’s interesting how my journey of forgiveness involved going inward, whereas my mother focused on external activities. However, we both learned that forgiveness means taking back the power we may have given to someone else for their wrongdoings.

    It’s a personal choice that requires a great deal of commitment, compassion, and patience.

    My mother’s response to the world before and after her attack is to do her part by expressing love, gratitude, and compassion. Her attitude contributed to her steady recovery.

    Mom refused to let the incident change her, and that’s why she’s not only surviving but thriving. Whenever something bad happens, we have a choice: we can get bitter or we can get better. My mom chose the latter. Which will you choose?

    Woman watching sunset image via Shutterstock

  • Let Go of Past Mistakes: 6 Steps To Forgiving Yourself

    Let Go of Past Mistakes: 6 Steps To Forgiving Yourself

    “At any given moment, you have the power to say: This is not how the story is going to end.” ~ Christine Mason Miller 

    Sometimes you do or say things you regret. If you’ve experienced this recently, you might be struggling to forgive yourself, especially if your actions hurt someone you love.

    A few months ago, I had a falling out with a friend. It happened like most misunderstandings do: swiftly and unexpectedly. I barely had time to comprehend what was happening.

    My friend was trying to convince me to join him in a business venture, which I politely tried to decline. After a while of us going back and forth, my patience was wearing thin, and he began to appear less like a friend and more like a pushy salesman.

    He then made a comment that I interpreted as a personal insult. I immediately became angry and lashed out. I thought I was justified in my reaction, but upon reflection, I realized that I had misunderstood his words and rushed to judgment.

    Even after a follow-up conversation, with my apologies and all, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had made a terrible mistake. I feared that our relationship would never be the same.

    That episode in my life led me to think about the ways we get hung up on our personal failures. They can threaten to keep us stuck in the past and define who we are going forward.

    My personal reflection and experience yielded the following seven steps to forgiving yourself:

    1. Name what you have done.

    Before you can forgive yourself, you must gain some clarity about what happened. Begin by writing down the details of the events and your own actions that contributed to the situation.

    Resist the need to blame any other people or external circumstances, and focus only on yourself. You may experience intense vulnerability when you do this exercise. Engage this vulnerability by compassionately owning it rather than suppressing it.

    In my own situation, I justified my actions by focusing on my friend’s uncharacteristically aggressive behavior. Once I was willing to focus on my own behavior, I could see more clearly that I had judged his words too quickly.

    2. Ask for forgiveness.

    Asking for forgiveness is not easy. Your willingness to approach a person you have hurt means you’re admitting you have done wrong and are sorry for it.

    Avoid minimizing your responsibility by using phrases like, “I’m sorry if…” or, “I’m sorry but…” I knew that I needed to apologize to my friend and take full responsibility for my actions. I simply named the wrong I had done to him and asked for forgiveness.

    3. Forgive yourself every time negative thoughts intrude.

    Sometimes we struggle to forgive ourselves, even when we have been forgiven.

    After my friend and I had resolved our situation, I continued to experience guilt and negative thoughts about my actions.

    I eventually learned that self-forgiveness is not a one-time deal—it’s a gradual process. Every time self-loathing thoughts surfaced, I would take a deep breath and exhale all the negativity I was feeling. You can do some similar act of kindness toward yourself when negative thoughts emerge.

    4. Show up and let yourself be seen.

    This idea comes from Dr. Brené Brown, whose research on vulnerability and shame has helped many people gain the courage to show up for their lives rather than sit on the sidelines—or worse, hide in shame.

    When facing painful personal mistakes, the temptation to shut down and disengage is strong.

    I found myself avoiding interactions with my friend because I was afraid he would judge me or remind me of what happened in the past. Once I had the courage to show up, I quickly discovered that my fears were unfounded.

    If you struggle with showing up, know that you have gained much wisdom that can help your future relationships thrive if you have the strength to show up and try again.

    5. Be grateful for your mistakes.

    It might seem strange to express gratitude for our mistakes, especially the embarrassing and painful ones. But think back to a time when you exercised poor judgment or did something you regretted. How has the experience changed you? Did it make you wiser, stronger, or more discerning?

    I learned the dangers of having a quick temper and rushing to judgment. Now when I am upset, I try to give myself some time and space to reflect rather than react. I am thankful for the opportunity to grow in these ways.

    And if you can learn to see your mistakes in such a light—as opportunities to grow—you can be grateful for them too.

     6. Radically love all of who you are.

    Joseph Campbell once said, “The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.” So be who you are, not who you used to be. Celebrate who you have become in spite of, or even because of, your past mistakes.

    My own mistakes and flaws have helped me become a better person to my friend, and that will ultimately strengthen my friendships going forward.

    So love all of who you are, including your past mistakes, and you’ll only grow stronger from them.

    You Are Worthy of Forgiveness

    These steps are not always easy to follow—especially during times when we have truly messed up. But we can recover from our mistakes, learn from them, forgive ourselves, and move on with our lives.

    You are worthy of your own love and forgiveness. Believe it with every fiber of your being.

    Commit to practicing these steps daily, even on those days when you’d rather not.

    Resolve to forgive yourself. Resolve to free yourself of the past. Resolve to live in the present. And look toward the future with hope and optimism.

  • Create a Kinder World: What to Do Instead of Judging

    Create a Kinder World: What to Do Instead of Judging

    Arms wide open

    “When you judge another, you do not define them. You define yourself.” ~Wayne Dyer

    I’ve always been judgmental. I will judge someone else’s buying habits, looks, grammar, or political beliefs and get some perverse pleasure in it. It’s very painful for me to admit that.

    You see, I strive to be kind and compassionate toward myself and toward others. That’s why I have turned much of my personal development focus this year to letting go of judgments.

    When I first started seeing a therapist, in college, we spent quite a bit of time talking about a particular family member of mine. After describing this person, my therapist said that it sounded like they may have had a superiority complex, and that all superiority complexes are built on top of inferiority complexes.

    Now I look at myself and wonder: Is that what’s going on with me? Do I judge others negatively because I need to feel better about myself? Am I so insecure in my own place in this world that I have to build my own self-esteem on top of other people’s perceived shortcomings?

    I don’t want to be that person.

    It’s weird, because I’ve always felt I was put on the earth to help people. And I don’t feel judgment toward those that I help. I love them. So why is it so easy for me to judge strangers and friends of friends?

    I know I have a long way to go, and I know I have to work on both letting go of my judgments toward others as well as toward myself.

    This past week I tried something, and it made my heart feel light and my face feel happy: I made observations instead of judgments.

    Let me give you an example.

    I was out and about and I saw a woman with a baby. I also have a baby, for the record.

    At first I noticed that I was making judgments about her based on her appearance and the way she spoke. It made me feel sad and, well, icky, inside.

    But I stopped. I realized this was a perfect time to try doing something different.

    So I took a mental step back and looked at her for the absolutely perfect human she was (and is).

    I observed the way she looked with no attachment to it as right or wrong, good or bad.

    I observed the way she spoke with no disdain or criticisms.

    And I felt love. I felt peace. I felt wonderful.

    This is how I want to live. This is how I want to feel.

    You see, I know rationally that we are all these wonderful, gorgeous creatures of the universe. Sitting here at my desk typing, I am 100% sure of this. Yet, somehow, out in the world, I lose sight of this. I forget.

    And it hurts me. Judging others makes my life worse, not better.

    I am completely committed to shifting all of my thoughts away from judgment and toward kind, gentle, unattached observation. I know it’s going to take practice, but almost everything worth doing takes time and energy.

    If you’d like to make the same shifts in your own life, I have a few suggestions based on my short time entering the No Judgment Zone.

    First, you’ll have to admit that you judge others. It may be painful, as it was for me. It’s okay; acknowledging this is the only way to recover from it.

    Next, decide that you want to actively give up judging others. You may do it more often than you’re even aware, and without a conscious effort, it will be difficult to avoid.

    Now, start paying attention to how judging others feels in your body. If you’re like me, you’ll feel the corners of your mouth pulling down in sadness, and may feel a pit in your stomach. It’s good to know how your body feels so that you can start to identify when you’re judging others without even noticing.

    It’s time now to practice the act of observing instead of judging. The next time you notice yourself judging someone else, do what I did: Stop, take a step back, and describe the situation with no inflection of tone that casts a negative light.

    Instead of “Wow, now that’s an interesting outfit,” try “that woman is wearing leopard print pants with pink sparkly boots and a bedazzled tank top.”

    Take the judgment out of it. Observe it. Find the beauty in the other person or situation.

    Now you just have to practice. Over, and over, and over again. I am still very much in the early stages of becoming aware and observing instead of judging; this is not an overnight change!

    To really make a permanent shift, stay away from places where others are judgmental for fun—websites that attack others for their beliefs or way of living, TV shows that humiliate, and friends on social media that love to make loud proclamations about others are some good places to start.

    Now is a good time to mention that there will certainly be occasions when it is not judgment that I am experiencing, but discernment.

    If I see someone being verbally abused by their partner, or someone harming an animal, or someone stealing, it is not the time to step back and just observe and try to find love and beauty. On those occasions, I hope that my good sense allows me to help in any way possible.

    Above all, it’s about creating peace, both in my own mind, and for others as well.

    I am sorry if I have ever judged you. I am sorry if someone judging you has ever hurt you. Together, let’s create a world where we are kind and compassionate to everyone we encounter.

    Friends pointing and laughing image via Shutterstock

  • Forming Positive Relationships: Two Simple Strategies to Meet New People

    Forming Positive Relationships: Two Simple Strategies to Meet New People

    Friends High Fiving

    “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ~Maya Angelou

    We all want to be around people who make us feel lighter and happy. We love seeing and interacting with people who brighten our days.

    So, why is it that so many of us spend our days with people who don’t lift us up, people who don’t inspire us, and in some cases, people who tear us down?

    It’s tough to remove these kinds of people from our lives, especially if we see them every day.

    These people may be your colleagues or bosses, which makes them tough (or nearly impossible) to avoid.

    In some cases, these toxic people in our lives are, in fact, our own family members.

    That’s makes it really hard to escape the negativity on a daily basis.

    I’ve had negative people in my life ever since I can remember.

    For example, my aunt—who played a major role in my childhood—would give me destructive criticism when I was young.

    She’d say things like, “You look like you’ve gained some weight. Are you really going to eat that cookie?” And “You’re not smart enough to read that book. Why do you even try?” And even “Nobody likes you—you’ll never have friends.”

    Those comments hurt me to the core. I felt like I didn’t measure up, like being myself wasn’t enough.

    And when I began to think that way, I thought that I didn’t deserve to be loved—by my family, by friends, and by myself.

    But then, one day I was watching a TV show. There was a guest on the show and the interviewer asked him, “What’s the key to your long-term success?”

    His response was pure gold: He said, “I’m the average of the five people I’ve spent the most time with over the years. You want to know the secrets to my success? Go meet them.”

    What I took away from that quote was this: I could control my own success and destiny by surrounding myself with the right kind of people. I was in control of my happiness and the way I felt.

    I could eliminate all the negativity in my life by removing certain people and adding new, empowering people in their place.

    This was really inspiring to me, but I underestimated how difficult it can be to meet new people.

    Sometimes, we don’t know what to say to start a conversation, or we start a conversation and run out of things to say. These are roadblocks to forming great friendships.

    After years of hard work and practice, I’ve mastered the art and science of meeting new people. And these are a couple of neat and fun ways you can do so.

    The Compliment Game: The Easiest Way To Start a Conversation with Anyone

    The Compliment Game is pretty self-explanatory.

    You make it a goal to go up to someone and give them a genuine compliment, followed by a brief question.

    For example, I might say, “I really like the color of that shirt. Where’d you get that?”

    Or I might say, “Your hair looks fantastic! Did you do something different?”

    Or even, “You have great taste in coffee. What do you recommend here?”

    Key things to remember: The compliments should be genuine (meaning you actually think what you’re saying is true) and it’s a game, so it should be fun.

    You don’t have worry about saying the perfect things or impressing anyone with your super-amazing attention to detail; just have fun with it.

    Think about some of the things you’d like to be complimented on.

    Maybe you have great taste in books, or are great at finding new music, or maybe you have skill for cooking amazing food. It can be anything, but shy away from flirty compliments; that can make people uncomfortable.

    Give others the gift of compliments in the same caliber you’d like to receive.

    This is a great way to start a conversation, because once they answer your question, you’ve opened the door for more discussion and potential friendship.

    Here’s another game you might try:

    The Sixty Second Introduction Game

    Again, the name pretty much explains the game.

    Make it a goal that within sixty seconds of entering a room, you will introduce yourself to at least one person.

    You don’t have to say anything complicated; you can keep it simply with something like:

    “Hi, how’s your morning going?”

    “Good morning! How are you?”

    “Hi, I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Rob.”

    The key here is to be energetic and upbeat.

    You’ll notice you get very different responses when you say things in different ways.

    For example, saying any of the above introductions with a smile is going to go over much better than if you say it in a flat, monotone voice and with a straight face.

    Play around with this, too. The more people you meet, the more likely you are to get to know empowering and inspiring people.

    These games can be the first step toward surrounding yourself with five amazing friends or mentors.

    Neither you nor I should have to put up with negativity and mediocrity in our relationships.

    We owe it to ourselves to forge better friendships and a better future. Let’s not settle for less. Let’s have the relationships, the respect, and the love we desire and deserve.

    Friends high-fifing image via Shutterstock

  • Why Experiences Trump Things and Bring Us Closer

    Why Experiences Trump Things and Bring Us Closer

    Friends Dancing

    “Every experience, good or bad, is a priceless collector’s item.” ~Isaac Marion

    Last year was a thrilling one for my sweet boys, ages eight and eleven. Thanks to birthdays, Diwali, and Christmas, they were fortunate enough to receive most of the things they’d been begging for throughout the year.

    As we sat on our couch on New Year’s day, I asked them what their best memories were from 2014. Surely, I thought, they would rattle off the highly anticipated iPod touch or the Giants jersey that topped their wish lists.

    But much to my surprise (and my joy), my younger one said, “my birthday party.” Really? Your birthday party?

    He was referring to the “baseball party” in our backyard with his friends. The one where an hour before it started, the skies opened wide with torrential downpour, forcing seven active boys to play in our tiny playroom until the storm turned into a small drizzle. That one? Oh. Cool.

    Surely my older son, our tech freak, would have a tough time deciding between his Nexus tablet and favorite Wii game to top his best memory. So I was even more taken aback by his follow up. “Our trip to New York.”

    Now, keep in mind that we’re originally from New York, so a trip home is not about Broadway shows and FAO Schwartz. It’s about hanging out with our family, specifically their cousins, in Westchester. It’s where we barbeque, meet friends, hang out at the pool, and watch movies. Pretty much what we do in our home, but with family we don’t get to see very often.

    Their responses were so unexpected. Hadn’t they just received everything they ever wanted a week earlier? I guess not.

    It’s no surprise to hear that experiences mean more than things. Material items bring us immediate yet fleeting joy. But it’s the memories and the feelings that stay with us forever. Then why was I so shocked?

    For some unexplainable reason, I thought my kids were different. But even at a young age, they, like their parents, proved that it’s their experiences that mean the most to them.

    And it doesn’t have to be week in Disneyworld or a cruise to Hawaii. It can be a fine homemade meal or even your crockpot dinner, served on your fine china.

    It could be something others use to create their own experiences, like a gratitude journal or conversation jar.

    It could be a shoulder massage on your couch or a wine tasting in your kitchen.

    It could be as long as year’s worth of dishwashing or as short as a scavenger hunt in your backyard.

    It could be as a grand as a meditation getaway or as simple as meditative app.

    Because when you think of a specific person in your life, your first thought isn’t, what did they give me? But, how did they make me feel? That sense and impression is what stays with us.

    Emotions, whether good, bad, or indifferent, are immediately brought to the surface when something reminds you of someone. Most “experience” gifts evoke a distinct feeling of love, care, and thoughtfulness—and stay with you long after a physical item has been worn out or forgotten.

    And if the gift is an event you can both participate in, it becomes a shared memory, something far beyond what a physical gift can offer.

    In our world of instant gratification and everything at our fingertips, it’s not difficult to get what you need. But in our hectic pace of life and in the frenzy of consumption, our experiences can fall short. We can add to peoples’ possessions or we can choose to add to memories they’ll hold onto forever.

    So, as occasions arise through the year for gifts, awards, and other reasons for gratitude or celebration, I’m thinking about how I can swap out more stuff with more experiences.

    How I can put my time, energy, and money toward a thoughtful event and create a recollection instead of another physical item in their life.

    I want to give memories, knowledge, and skills to help my friends and family explore or re-discover pleasures in life.

    I want to help someone overcome a fear, and join them in a ski lesson, or check off an item from their bucket list, like a pole dancing class.

    I want to make their ordinary day extraordinary by whisking them away with a bottle of wine and picnic blanket.

    I want to cast a ray of unexpectedness in their workday by delivering a gourmet meal to their office.

    I want to stop cluttering lives with more stuff and start expanding minds with more memories.

    I want my kids to always remember experiences as their best time of the year.

    I want to make friends and family feel. I want to know I helped them experience life.

    What experience can you create for someone this year?

    Friends dancing image via Shutterstock

  • When You Feel Behind: Turning Envy into Positive Action

    When You Feel Behind: Turning Envy into Positive Action

    Excited Woman

    “It is the way that we react to circumstances that determines our feelings.” ~Dale Carnegie

    I can remember the incident so clearly.

    A few years ago, my friends and I were all sitting around a table in a restaurant. It was the holiday season, and I was in good spirits. It was nice to see everyone again. The snow was drifting gently outside, reminding me of eggnog and Christmas trees.

    After we ordered our food and took turns asking each other what we were up to, it was one of my friends’ turn to share. She casually mentioned that she recently got a job offer. Everyone looked up, in a mix of surprise and curiosity.

    “What company?” someone asked.

    She answered proudly, full of giddiness and excitement. As I looked around, I could see some expressions beginning to sour. As for me, it felt like a stone had just dropped in my stomach.

    I couldn’t believe it. Out of everyone I knew, she seemed the least likely person to get a prestigious job offer. My spirits were suddenly dampened as I tried to process what had just happened.

    All throughout dinner, I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that she had gotten a job offer from a company that I personally knew numerous other people had unsuccessfully applied to.

    I had tried for the longest time to obtain an interview from the firm, unsuccessfully. Meanwhile, she was failing many of her classes at the time, and seemed to have few relevant work experiences.

    It completely turned everything I had thought about life and careers upside down, as if all my efforts to secure relevant internships and achieve in my academic career had gone to waste. I felt like I had failed myself.

    Slowly, I shifted from blaming myself to blaming everything and everyone else around me. At the time, I told myself that things were simply not fair.

    It’s been a few years since then, and I’ve had many days to reflect upon this experience, as well as how I’ve grown since then. Here are some things I did to turn from envious to positive and the lessons I learned along the way.

    Focus on yourself.

    Harboring negative feelings toward others, whether it’s hate, contempt, or envy, takes up energy and ends up exhausting us. It’s unproductive and it doesn’t better our lives. If anything, people easily pick up on these unattractive, negative vibes.

    The most important part of ridding oneself of envy is changing the way we approach the situation. Realize that there is nothing you can to do change events outside your control. What you can do, however, is find ways to make changes in your own life.

    I was spending so much energy on someone else’s achievements that it took away energy from my own. After the feelings of envy and disappointment passed (as they always do), I decided to explore different ways of improving myself.

    I took up new activities, such as writing, and made an active effort to speak to different people from different walks of life to learn more about their experiences. Learning from others with more experience than me became a key theme in my life. I wanted to understand other people, their struggles, and how they overcame obstacles to become successful.

    When I became more productive and filled my schedule with things to do, it felt like I had less space and time in my calendar to be envious. I was too busy!

    Things are not always what they seem.

    When we talk to people, especially those whom we rarely see, we tend to highlight the best parts of ourselves and our lives. Just logging into a social media website shows this phenomenon.

    Similarly, you’ll likely only see the tip of the iceberg when you first talk to someone. Dig a little deeper and little specks will appear. Everyone’s life has both good and bad, but it’s unrealistic to compare our own lives, which we know inside out, to the shiny, clean surface of someone else’s.

    As for my friend’s situation, I truly do not know how she obtained an offer from the company. Perhaps they liked something they saw in her credentials, or she was a better fit. Maybe someone she knew vouched for her abilities.

    The point is, it doesn’t really matter for me. It’s so easy to wrack our brains over things that don’t fit within our worldview. Some things are difficult to understand, but we can do our best to acknowledge that we don’t have all the information at hand and try our best to work with what we do know.

    Life is a marathon, not a sprint.

    At the time, it felt like I was falling behind. Despite all my efforts, it was if someone had “leapfrogged” over me and was soaring ahead. I worried that setbacks would accumulate over time, and I would spend the rest of my life behind everyone else, always trying to catch up.

    How wrong I was.

    The thing is, life isn’t a straight line moving in one direction. It’s sort of like a stock market—wiggly and filled with ups and downs. It’s unpredictable, but if you focus on improving yourself, despite the ups and downs, the long-term trend will be upward.

    Envy is an unproductive feeling. It’s perfectly natural and happens to everyone, but it can consume our own lives to the point that it’s unhealthy. Envy is a feeling of helplessness.

    I learned that I have control over myself and my actions. I could take steps to improve myself by putting out a detailed action plan and implementing it.

    Make learning become a major theme in your life. Seek to learn from others’ successes and difficulties and apply them as lessons in your own life.

    Because regardless of the inevitable hurdles everyone faces, nothing can take away the knowledge one has gained from listening to others and the wisdom in knowing what to do.

    Excited woman image via Shutterstock

  • 3 Things Kids Do That Can Lead to Self-Love & Happiness

    3 Things Kids Do That Can Lead to Self-Love & Happiness

    Girl in a Meadow

    “When you recover or discover something that nourishes your soul and brings joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life.” ~Jean Shinoda Bolen

    As we grow older, a lot of us fall out of love with ourselves, and as a result, have a hard time figuring out what we value and what lights us up.

    Self-love is crucial to creating a life that aligns with our desires because it serves as our inner compass, empowering and enabling us to steer our life in a direction that makes us happy. Otherwise, we end up turning to external sources for love and happiness. That’s what happened to me.

    I started dating late in my life compared to all my friends, so when I entered a serious relationship, I was over the moon. Finally, I felt complete because I found someone who liked me enough to want to be with me.

    I was so desperate to maintain the relationship that I ended up trying to be like him, doing what he liked so that he’d love me more.

    Along the way, I lost my own interests and lost touch with some of my friends. When the relationship came to an end, I didn’t know who I was and felt so empty. I knew then that I needed to learn how to love myself again.

    Recently, I’ve been spending time with my niece and nephew, who are between the ages of two and six. It dawned on me that there’s a lot we can learn from children when it comes to re-learning how to love ourselves.

    So what can we learn from children?

    Say what’s on your mind.

    Often, children say exactly what’s on their mind because they haven’t yet formed the belief that it’s wrong to be honest. For the most part, there is no hidden agenda in what they say. If there is, we can easily see through it, as we listen and work with them to find a compromise.

    Depending on your upbringing and your experiences, you may have developed certain rules or beliefs about speaking your mind. As an adult, you now have a choice. Instead of operating like you would have in the past, you can decide if you would like to change your rule or belief.

    With my cultural upbringing, I was taught that it is impolite and disrespectful to question elders or people of authority. So I did what I was told because I would get reprimanded when I asked why.

    I carried this belief throughout my school years, and when someone pushed me to speak up in class or in work settings, I always felt guilty and uncomfortable.

    One day, I decided to give myself permission to not feel guilty when someone asked what I thought. I changed my belief to I feel valued and safe when someone asks for my opinion.

    Slowly, I realized that you can simultaneously respect someone and speak up.

    So why not honor that little voice inside of you and say what you’re thinking? In doing so, you are expressing your truth, and this is an act of self-love.

    Likewise, if you are the receiver in the conversation, practice listening to the speaker with compassion and openness, as you would with a child.

    In creating a safe, respectful space for mutual sharing, you’re creating the opportunity to connect with others on a deeper level, strengthening your relationships and your self-love at the same time.

    Incorporate more playtime into your life.

    As adults, our work tends to get in the way of play. I am certainly guilty of this.

    My definition of play is doing something big, like a night out of town with friends, or traveling. As such, I often go a long period of time without ‘play.’ In hanging out with my niece and nephew, I realized my definition of play is too rigid.

    Like children, we need to incorporate playtime or break time into our day-to-day life. Not only does playing provide health benefits, but there are also studies that have shown it increases creativity, connection, and productivity.

    So bring out your inner child and look for simple ways to create opportunities to laugh, relax, and have fun in your life.

    This could be going to the park and getting on a swing, getting a game of Candy Crush in, organizing game nights, having a dance party with your kids, or going for a coffee break with colleagues.

    When you incorporate play in moderation into your life, you are giving yourself permission to relax, clear out your mind, and reap the health benefits. This action in itself is a form of self-care and self-love.

    Smile at yourself instead of criticizing yourself.

    Children adore themselves. They love looking in the mirror and seeing themselves, just the way they are. They smile, they blow kisses to themselves. There are no judgments.

    As human beings, we are love. It is our birthright to be loved and to give love. It is what keeps us alive and what gives us hope and helps us grow.

    But over time, we start to dim our lights and build walls around our heart. When this happens, we not only close the pathways to love, but also make it hard for others to love us.

    Next time when you look in the mirror, challenge yourself to look in your eyes and refrain from being critical. Be kind to yourself.

    Smile at the person you see, even if you need to imagine yourself as a younger version of you. Acknowledge your inner spirit with your eyes.

    This was always hard for me to do. I found it uncomfortable to look into my eyes, as I knew I would start criticizing myself.

    I’d say things like you look fat, look at the black circles underneath your eyes, look at that zit, you need to take better care of yourself. What are you looking at? There’s nothing to look at.

    At that moment, I’d look away, take a few deep breaths, and remind myself of where that voice was coming from. It was a combination of my own and my parents’.

    They criticized me because of the way they were brought up, and it was how they showed their love and care, but I knew I could choose to say “thank you but no thank you.”

    I would then take another deep breath and look up again.

    At first, it felt kind of like a peek-a-boo game. But once I locked eyes with myself, I acknowledged myself and said, “See this isn’t too bad. I just want to say hi. I see you and I love you. Thanks for playing. Let’s see where this goes after a month. If nothing changes, I’ll stop, I promise.”

    Things did change, though. I felt more peaceful and grounded, and I noticed I smiled more when I was out and about.

    So what are you waiting for? Rekindle your connection with your inner child and you will soon feel the self-love you once had when you were a kid, and you’ll love your life a lot more as a result.

    Girl in a meadow image via Shutterstock

  • 4 Strategies for Practicing Compassion When You Feel Wronged

    4 Strategies for Practicing Compassion When You Feel Wronged

    Woman with Heart

    “Judgments prevent us from seeing the good that lies beyond appearances.” ~Wayne Dyer

    When I first took up meditation, sitting with my thoughts didn’t come naturally. At the time, I was going through a divorce and was often anxious and stressed out. It took months, but I kept trying, and after a while I looked forward to my daily sit.

    In my meditation group, I learned a classic method for generating compassion and equanimity. I tried holding images in my mind of a friend, an enemy, and a stranger.

    The idea was to view each one without judgment or preference, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to generate compassion for my enemy—especially when the face I envisioned was my ex-husband’s.

    At last, my divorce was final. Another year passed and I met a great guy. We dated for more than a year before he moved in. Our relationship was going so well that we decided to take a big step together: We adopted a stray kitten.

    The kitten was adorable and cuddly and rambunctious. We loved her immediately and she made herself right at home.

    A week or so after the kitten’s arrival, I sat down to meditate in my sunny meditation room. It was one of those days where everything felt right with the world. I lit my candles and incense, positioned myself comfortably, and set the timer.

    Focusing on the candle’s flame, I breathed in … and out … in and out—but something was terribly wrong. Every breath brought me closer to a distinct reality: I was sitting in cat pee!

    I hopped up and stripped the slipcovers off the pillows. Lugging the fouled material to the laundry closet, I angrily muttered, “If we had not taken in this stray, I’d be tranquil right now! That cat has ruined my entire day!”

    Then I my thoughts turned to blame. “My boyfriend was the one who wanted to adopt this cat! I should have said no, but I wanted to please him. I should have known better!”

    And finally, I took out my frustration on the feline offender: “Some cats just can’t be house trained! If that kitten does this again, she’s going back to the pound!”

    I seethed on and on, piling up blame and resentments, turning my anger and dissatisfaction over and over in my head.

    If ever there was a good time to practice compassion and forgiveness, this was it. But rather than sitting in meditation, I spent the next hour dowsing the slipcovers and cushions with diluted bleach.

    In the days that followed, when I sat down to meditate, I contemplated the kitten’s offense. Then a thought occurred to me that made me laugh. My resentment melted as I realized how ridiculous I was to blame a cat … for being a cat!

    The kitten was not a “bad” cat at all. The kitten didn’t pee on my cushion out of spite or because she hated me. She peed on the cushion because she was marking her territory, which is what cats do. It’s her nature.

    The kitten was, in fact, being a very “good” cat. The kitten wasn’t the problem. The problem was my expectation of the kitten to behave in a manner that was not natural to her.

    Of course, accepting my cat is a cat is one thing. It’s a little more difficult when I try to let go of my expectation of human beings, particularly the one I was previously married to. And yet, how often did I expect people in my life to respond in ways that were not natural to them?

    Turns out my kitten taught me more about generating compassion than the guru at my local meditation center. Here’s what I’ve learned from my most enlightening “sit.”

     1. It’s called human nature for a reason.

    If I can accept that my kitten is just enacting her cat nature, then why can’t I see that my ex-husband (or anyone for that matter) is just following his or her human nature?

    Alexander Pope was right when he said, “To err is human.” Since human nature is distinguished by ego, delusions, fears, and a little thing called mortality, most of us are perfectly imperfect human beings.

    Too often, I judge myself and others through a warped lens of perfectionism. My ex was (and is) just doing his best to avoid suffering and find happiness—just like me. And like me, he responds out of his limited perspective, experience, and fear. My problem with him is not that he’s who he is; my problem is that he’s not who I want him to be.

    2. It’s (not) all about me.

    No matter how long I sit on the meditation cushion and try to “generate compassion” for someone, I will never get far if I am still judging that person by my own limited viewpoint. Taking things personally creates a barrier between me and other people, or between my idea of an outcome and reality.

    I limit my own perspective when I say, “You have done this to me because you are trying to harm me.” If I can take a step back, I may realize that I don’t know everything about the situation. Only then may I be able to discern that there could be a motive beyond one that’s directly related to me.

    3. I’m not okay, you’re not okay.

    When I’m angry and upset about an outcome, I often forget that the person who I feel “let me down” is probably also upset and disappointed. Although I may initially personalize a situation, I can use my feelings to identify with someone else’s perspective.

    For example, when my son brings home a less than stellar grade that’s upsetting to me, I can be fairly certain that he’s bummed about the grade, too. Realizing that he is equally—if not more—disappointed than I am can temper my reaction and might even inspire a more compassionate response.

     4. Consider the parts, not the sum.

    No situation or being arrives full-blown without dependence upon mitigating circumstances. (This is also called dependent origination or dependent co-arising.) For example, the traffic jam did not occur because the Universe is conspiring to make me late for work.

    The more I can accept that I am a part of a bigger experience, the more I can let go of the importance I place on myself or any given event. Then, I can let go of blaming and see that we are all in this traffic jam (called life) together.

    As it turned out, my most dissatisfying meditation session taught me far more about compassion than sitting for hours in tranquility ever could.

    Simply contemplating that everyone wants happiness doesn’t get me very far when I’m stuck in traffic or disputing a finance charge on my credit card with a less-than helpful customer service representative.

    No matter how long I sit on the meditation cushion and try to “generate compassion” for someone, I will never get far if I am still judging that person by my own limited viewpoint.

    Woman with heart image via Shutterstock

  • Breaking Free from Your Family’s Expectations

    Breaking Free from Your Family’s Expectations

    Break Free

    “Stop worrying about pleasing others so much. Do more of what makes you happy.” ~Unknown

    There comes a time in everyone’s life when you break away from your family. Right? We are all familiar with this. It happens when you turn eighteen, go off to college, and move out the house—and out of the state or country for some.

    This is the expectation of society on the whole. Then what keeps us so bound to our families that we sometimes feel paralyzed, afraid of making the “wrong” decisions for our career, relationships, or simply how we choose to live?

    Despite each of us eventually breaking through the normal cycle of leaving home and starting our own life, many of us still feel obligated to our family, more specifically our parents.

    We feel like we have to choose a specific career path or be with a specific type of person for marriage and beyond. It’s like this unspoken obligation to please our parents, except we know that it can’t last forever and there’s got to be another way.

    There is another way. And I know because I’ve been living through it over the past several years.

    I was a rebellious child, mostly because my father was so strict and I wasn’t allowed to do anything—well, not much. (I’ll give him some credit, while other credit goes to my mother for allowing friends to come over on occasion.)

    But rebellion doesn’t serve healthy relationships and is bound to transform into healthy independence and respect at some point. For some, it’s much later in life than others; I’ve spoken with several people in their late fifties who still feel obligated to their parents yet wildly rebellious and, thereby, resentful.

    For me, it started with realizing that I value family. There’s no getting around that. I love my family. Period.

    I also love myself, which means that there’s no way I’m going to give up my heart’s desires and dreams to acquiesce to what they think is best for my life, like I had to all throughout my childhood.

    Yes, I’m a passionate woman who has a strong desire to break free of the practical way of living. And that’s exactly what I’ve done.

    At the same time, I demanded and knew in my heart that true love, especially love between family members, ought to stand up to tests like this.

    No doubt, it came with its price. There were several moments when I had to share my desires while lovingly holding space for my family to simply be. I came to them on several occasions over the last years (or they came to me and I opened up) with conscious decisions I made for my life.

    Now, let me reiterate this: conscious decisions. If they weren’t conscious, there was no way I could have done this. So, I shared with them my conscious decision while I stood in the fire of their adverse opinions and reactions.

    Standing in the fire means I held on to my desire and my love for family while I faced down their criticism. This was challenging. And it burned.

    I could feel it all throughout my body. But because I had consciously decided with a strong intention of love and a knowing that it came from my heart, I was able to hold on to my center—no matter what.

    I was able to stand there and let their criticism and opinions wash over me while remaining in a loving space. This would not be possible without that conscious choice.

    Since then, even though it’s been a process and there are still many fires to stand in, it has been increasingly easier to simply be me and share my “unpractical path” with them. Their expectations are beginning to subside, as they realize that my life may be a bit unorthodox.

    I love them anyway. Yes, you heard that right: I love them no matter how unorthodox my life is; therefore, I can influence them to drop their defenses and decide whether they’ll love or hate me because of the life I choose.

    By standing up for myself in this way, I let go of any power they had over me and hand it back to them, giving them the option to continue loving me or not. Because I know that no matter what they choose, I’ll always love them.

    Standing up for yourself isn’t an easy process. It’s especially hard when you’re trying to build a life for yourself that you actually love, because that’s the time when you most need support.

    Holding on to the earnest vision that only good can come from standing in your heart’s desires, you’ll realize what true love really is, and it will completely reframe how you approach life and relationships.

    Family often has no clue of the ties and chains they’ve placed on you; therefore, it’s important to come from a loving place when standing your ground and claiming your life.

    They don’t know what they’re doing. Would you punish them for that? I wouldn’t. I didn’t. I chose to love them anyways, no matter what, the same way I desire to be love, no matter what.

    Break free image via Shutterstock

  • How to Be a Good Friend to Someone Who Is Depressed

    How to Be a Good Friend to Someone Who Is Depressed

    “Everyone comes with baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack.” ~Unknown

    I have suffered varying degrees and types of depression since I was thirteen years old, and over the years I have been on the receiving end of both good and bad support from friends.

    Some understood, and some told me to “stop moaning and get over it.” Likewise, I have had friends who have struggled as acutely as I have, and throughout it all I have learned so much about what it means to be (and how to be) a friend to someone who is depressed.

    Chances are, you have come into contact with depression on at least one occasion in life, whether you realize it or not. Either you’ve had it yourself at some point or you know someone has (even if they never told you). A lot of the time we just don’t know how to act around one another or what to say.

    Friendship with someone who has depression is fraught with many pitfalls. You can say the “right” thing and yet it can be completely the wrong thing at the same time. Everyone suffering with depression is different.

    But here are a few general suggestions that might help.

    Acknowledge their struggle.

    One of the best things you can do for someone who is depressed is acknowledge their feelings and what they’re going through. Offer sympathy. Tell them that you’re sorry they’re going through such a rough time and that you’re there for them.

    Offering compassion and empathy to someone who is depressed is sometimes the perfect medicine. Reassure them that you understand that they’re going through a very tough time and it’s okay to find things a little more difficult than usual. They’re not weak; they’re ill.

    Don’t offer platitudes.

    We all do it. Times get tough, and the first thing we do is reach for the quotes and platitudes that we think will help the most. But these can seem like throwaway comments with no real meaning behind them. Telling a severely depressed person to “be positive” is like telling someone with cancer to “get over it.”

    Words like this will do nothing but infuriate your friend and lead to shame and guilt about their inability to get better by themselves.

    Don’t try to fix that person. Allow them to feel whatever it is they need to feel. If they need to get angry about a situation, don’t tell them “anger solves nothing.” Tell them to feel it so they can work through it.

    Find out if there is something contributing to their depression (but don’t criticize if there isn’t).

    Sometimes there are obvious causes for someone’s depression; sometimes there aren’t. If there is a particular problem that is upsetting a friend, offer to help in some capacity.

    However, a lot of people feel ashamed if they’re suffering from depression without any obvious reason. If that’s the case, don’t tell them they have “nothing to be depressed about.” One of the heaviest weights a depressed person can carry is feeling they have “no right to be depressed” when they have “such a good life.”

    It can happen to the most unexpected of people.

    Take the condition seriously and encourage them to get help.

    There is a huge difference between feeling sad and being depressed. If you know someone who is suffering, that definition is extremely clear.

    Don’t dismiss their struggles by saying it will get better tomorrow. Realize that depression is a serious condition and often needs professional treatment.

    Your loved one may not be ready to accept that they need help (and can be helped), but lightly planting those seeds in their mind may just convince them to seek treatment.

    Likewise, offer to take them to the doctor, just as my friends did. Or, do your research and find some charities that may be helpful to them.

    Listen without judgment or applying logic.

    One of the worst things you can do, both for your friend and yourself (to avoid frustration), is to apply logic to a depressed person’s mind. A lot of times the person feels just as confused by their thoughts as you do.

    Please try not to judge your friend if they have children and are talking about ending their lives. When you’re that depressed, logic doesn’t apply. If we tell you we think our next panic attack will kill us, accept that it feels that way to us, even if we know it defies logic.

    Be there in whatever form that person needs.

    Sometimes your friend may want to talk about what’s on their mind, and other times they may just want to go to the movies with you to try and distract themselves. Adapt and be there in whatever capacity they need in that moment. If they can only text you their thoughts instead of saying them out loud, let them.

    Or, if they need you to take them out to lunch one day but a couple days later you have to go to them because they can’t leave the house, don’t question it. Just try and be there for them to the best of your ability in whatever way they need you at that time.

    Sometimes I wanted to meet my friend for lunch and other times I couldn’t leave my bed, so she lay with me in silence. Both were exactly what I craved and needed.

    Be patient and accept that things have changed.

    I know that you want your old friend back, and believe me, they want their old selves back as much as you do. But please accept that, for the moment, it’s simply not possible.

    They may have loved a drink down the pub on a Saturday night with you and your mates or a day out in the park with everyone and their children, but right now those situations are most likely extremely overwhelming to them.

    If you know they want to go out but find group gatherings overwhelming, why not ask them out for a catch up on a one-on-one basis? It doesn’t have to be a special occasion, just a cup of tea at a local cafe or a nice lunch somewhere quiet.

    Stay connected and include them.

    One of the worst things you can do is cut a depressed friend out of your social life. While they may not be able to participate in activities all the time, they still want to be included. They want to know what’s going on in your life even if they can’t contribute anything themselves.

    Invite them to dinners with the rest of your friends or to events you might be going to. Regardless of whether they accept the invitation, they will appreciate you asking in the first place, because nobody wants to feel left out.

    Look after yourself.

    Despite all of the above advice, sometimes you’re going to feel helpless, and that’s okay. When all else fails, your wanting to be there for us is truly the only thing we care about.

    You must remember to look after yourself and realize that as much as you want to help your friend, you have your own life to lead and prioritizing yourself doesn’t make you selfish. You can’t be there around the clock when you have family and commitments of your own, but very often, knowing you are there in some capacity is enough to help.

  • How to Cope When People Disappoint You

    How to Cope When People Disappoint You

    Disappointed Woman

    “Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.” ~Alexander Pope

    Growing up, I had a wonderful relationship with my mother. We did all the usual mother-daughter things together—went shopping, had brunch—and we supported each other when my father left.

    In 2011, I was happily pregnant. I felt supported by my family and ready to take on motherhood. My husband and I were elated by the birth of our little boy.

    It’s fair to say that I may have been a little naïve about what was to come. I knew it would be hard work, but I didn’t quite realize how hard.

    The other expectation I had was ongoing support from my family. You know, the kind of situation where family (both parents and siblings) rally around you to welcome a new little person into the world. The kind of situation where there are regular visits and an influx of babysitting offers.

    In particular, I expected the bond with my mother to strengthen—because in my mind, having your first child is the time when you are deeply supported by your mother. What happened next fell entirely short of what I had imagined life to be like post-baby. I was utterly disappointed.

    I felt blessed for the birth of my little boy but resentful for the lack of support from my family.

    You see, although my little boy was healthy in the most important ways, he was a screamer. He was diagnosed with severe acid reflux, and we endured an extremely unsettled baby (and toddler) for the first eighteen months.

    My husband and I didn’t sleep for more than two hours per night (on shifts) for the first four months, and it improved only marginally from there. There were feelings of despair, helplessness, and confusion as we paced the floors trying to help our little boy.

    At first, my mother stayed with us in our house and helped us tirelessly. But at month four she relocated overseas. By this time, I felt disillusioned by the experience of having an unsettled baby, and disappointed that what was supposed to be a beautiful time had become somewhat negative and relentless.

    Looking back, I realize expectations played a huge part in my disappointment.

    I had expected a blissful experience—picnics in the park with my (sleeping) newborn! My disappointment was closely linked to my expectations of how it would be, with my baby, and with support from my family.

    Had I not expected a certain outcome, I would not have felt so low about what occurred. Had I been more open-minded about what may eventuate, I may not have felt abandoned and resentful at a time when I needed the most help.

    My little boy is now healthy, happy, and three. Granny has moved back to this side of the world, and she visits weekly. There is still minimal involvement in comparison to the vision in my head, but I have come to terms with it. Acceptance is liberating sometimes.

    The following philosophies have helped me to be more at peace with my own feelings, and you may find them helpful when facing disappointments in your world too.

    You have the right to feel what you feel.

    So don’t ignore your feelings of disappointment. But try to obtain a renewed sense of the other person’s perspective.

    We all have different expectations.

    Most people are inherently good. They are on their own journey, and although disappointment can feel personal, it’s often not. The other person’s expectations are simply different to yours.

    Disappointments aren’t always all bad.

    What may seem like a challenge may be a blessing in disguise—or a blessing in waiting; it may only be a matter of time before you recognize that your disappointment is actually the universe working its magic for you. For example, my challenging start with my first born has led me to support other mothers through their own hard times.

    It helps to shift your focus.

    Resolve to do things that bring you joy. Focus on what is new and good, start manifesting, and leave those disappointing thoughts behind.

    It will pass.

    No matter how deeply you are disappointed, in time you will move through the feeling.

    Weed out the people who consistently disappoint you.

    Be mindful of people who regularly disappoint you or let you down, and make more time for those who don’t. Maintain a positive sense of yourself through happy relationships with people who are uplifting and energizing.

    We’re all on our own paths (even grannies). We have our own lives to live, our own choices to make, our own wishes and wants, and our own free will.

    Our closest connections can’t be expected to live on our terms, or to live inside the box we have created for them in our minds. So release your disappointment and get ready for the next adventure the universe will send your way.

    Disappointed woman image via Shutterstock

  • Family Isn’t Always Forever: When It’s Time to Say Goodbye

    Family Isn’t Always Forever: When It’s Time to Say Goodbye

    “Friends are the family we choose for ourselves.” ~Edna Buchanan

    A few years ago I ended all contact with my parents, and I have not seen or spoken to them since then.

    The truth is I am actually okay with that. Initially, I thought I was going to lose my mind. I had been brought up to believe that family comes first. Children should respect and take care of their parents. Family should—and will—always be there for each other.

    Those beliefs were based on love, and I cherished them.

    I wanted so much to feel that connection—that unconditional love those beliefs promised. It was never there.

    Our lives were filled with so much fear, pain, hurt, betrayal, and lies. Manipulation and deceit were at the core of our home.

    I told myself that all families have degrees of dysfunction, and our family was no different. I could not allow myself to believe that our family was different. I believed that one day my parents would realize what they were doing and change. I desperately wanted their love and approval.

    On the night when my husband and I ended up inside a police station explaining why I thought my father was about to come to my home and hurt me, while my two grown sons waited in the car, I realized I had to wake up.

    My fantasy was over. I could no longer go on pretending our family was just like everyone else. That night I said my last goodbye to my mother as she lied to protect my father. The next day I spoke the last words to my father as he screamed into the phone repeating the lies from my childhood. It was over.

    Giving up the hope that things would get better was the hardest part. I was terrified that I was doing the wrong thing. I thought I was being a bad daughter. I was going against every cherished belief about family.

    It broke my heart to know that my life had been based on an illusion. The picture I had created of my parents was shattered. They had never been there for me, and they never would be.

    I had lied to myself to protect my fantasy and keep them in my life. Now I could no longer do it.

    Over time I began to understand why I had fought so hard to live out the lie, and I began to forgive myself for not being brave enough to stand up earlier.

    One of the problems was my belief that family were always there for each other. That was the cause of my pain and my guilt. The fact that I no longer had them in my life meant that I was going against a code I held close to my heart.

    I had to modify that belief. I had to change my definition of family. It was no longer those to whom I was linked by blood. My family now became the friends who had been there the whole time. People who I knew I could count on when things went wrong. That was never my parents.

    I also realized that I was afraid I was not lovable. In my mind if my own parents could not love me, there had to be something wrong with me.

    I did everything I could to minimize disagreements between us, keeping quiet just to keep the peace. I knew that if I spoke up we would argue, they would get mad at me, and they would not love me. I failed to realize that this was something I only experienced with them.

    It was hard work just to be around them. I was always on edge, cautious, and scared. That was not a loving relationship. I came to accept that if they could not love me, it didn’t change anything about me. I had created other loving relationships around me, and they were the scaffolding holding me up.

    My first Christmas after was hard. I had always gone to my parents’ house to live the fairy tale of being surrounded by love.

    It was always hard to ready myself for those days. We would act out the roles of happy family, hoping in some way that was our truth. It wasn’t. I had no idea how tense I was at these interactions until I no longer had to do it.

    Part of the hurt was that I now had no tradition, so I decided to start a new one. Christmas is no longer a day of obligation. I now spend it with the people who are my true family.

    I’ve come to realize that the love I had for my parents was based on a childhood need for safety and security. I had to see them as the parents who loved me, despite the things they did. I could not accept that the people responsible for my well-being were also responsible for my suffering.

    So much of the world I had created around my parents was simply not real. I have had to accept that truth and move on with my life.

    One of my fears was that by breaking contact with my parents, I was setting an example that my sons could repeat with me. I’d like to think this won’t happen because of my parents.

    The pain of my childhood taught me how important it is for a child to truly feel loved, safe, and cherished. I’ve tried to live that truth with my boys. I don’t know what the future holds for us. I can only hope that the love I’ve shown them will have created a space in their hearts where I will always be thought of with love.

    I try to imagine how I’ll feel when I find out that my parents have died. I honestly don’t know. I’m sure that part of me will be sad that we did not have a better ending. However, I know in my heart of hearts that I tried for over forty years to make it work. In the end, it just wasn’t enough.

    My parents were never who I thought them to be. I have had to let it all go. The fantasy of the perfect ending with them is over. I am setting out on a new horizon where I have redefined my world.

    As abused children, we may feel that it is somehow our responsibility to fix the broken parts of our family. It’s not. Sometimes there is no fairy tale ending where our parents realize how truly wonderful we are.

    The hard part is recognizing that and moving on. Sometimes it’s the only way to find real peace. It’s heartbreaking. It’s not easy. Finding and surrounding yourself with people who truly care for you is your gift to yourself. You deserve that. You will be okay.

    I no longer believe that I have lost my family. I have only now finally recognized who they truly are.

  • How to Stop Being a Doormat and Start Speaking Up

    How to Stop Being a Doormat and Start Speaking Up

    Woman Covering Mouth

    “Speak your mind even if your voice shakes.” ~Maggie Kuhn

    For years I was that person who needed to know what would happen in the near future. I wasn’t content with being in the moment and letting things unfold naturally because it made me anxious.

    Knowing, or at least thinking I knew, was a way for me to relax and reassure myself that nothing was going to unexpectedly pop up. The idea of a problem spontaneously arising made me so nervous and anxious that I’d become a doormat instead of speaking up and saying what I really thought.

    For me, a “problem” was somebody who threatened my peaceful near future and, as a result, I would have to figure out a way to subdue them without disrupting my peace too much. Often, I would have to step outside my comfort zone of being a wallflower and deal with people in a way that wouldn’t cause too much hassle.

    I suppose you could say I tried to categorize the people around me according to their mood. In short, I tried to control the uncontrollable—human nature.

    I started to obsess about my friends falling out with me. I’d say goodbye to them and spend an hour afterward worrying that they’d be angry with me and wouldn’t speak to me the next day.

    It was exhausting and constant; I would convince myself that one friend was okay with me and then I’d start to doubt another friend. I remember one time particularly well because to this day I still laugh at how ridiculous it all was, though at the time it was really stressful.

    I had this one friend who started to develop an attitude; where she was once reserved and not confrontational, she was now argumentative and volatile.

    Although I didn’t argue with her, I’d seen her arguing with our other friends and she suddenly seemed really intimidating, definitely not someone I’d want to get on the wrong side of. The fact that she’d sometimes start an argument for no good reason contributed to my fear that she might get angry with me.

    I did everything to keep the peace, but she was prone to spontaneous moods.

    II remember looking at her one day and realizing that I didn’t care if she stopped speaking to me; it seemed ridiculous that I’d wasted so much energy on something so silly.

    When she went off in a mood, I let her go and stayed with our other friends. And the crazy thing is that she came back to me asking what was wrong. Everyone was so used to me being the peacekeeper that when I stopped keeping the peace, they started seeing me as someone who had an opinion instead of the quiet doormat.

    It’s amazing what happens when you stop overthinking and worrying about how things will turn out. When you speak your mind, you send a message to the people around you that you have a voice and you’re not afraid to use it.

    Obviously, I can’t speak for everyone, but I respect someone who says what they’re thinking rather than what they think everyone wants them to say—even if I totally disagree with them.

    Nothing in life is certain, and yet at some point we’ve all tried to desperately cling to something that we’ve wanted to stay the same. Some of us have even compromised our integrity just to hold onto the idea that we’re sure of something.

    There is power in being uncertain and allowing life to flow naturally, responding rather than controlling. When you embrace uncertainty, you respond to the present moment rather than following a plan involving everyone else that only you know about.

    Need help embracing uncertainty so you can start speaking up?

    1. Lose expectations.

    I look at expectations as agreements between two people that only one person knows about. By this I mean you may think you know how a person is going to act—you may even hope—but at the end of the day, nothing is certain.

    Don’t let the thought of “what if?” stop you from speaking up if something bothers you. Let it go; what will be will be.

    2. Follow the Two-Year Rule.

    This means that if you’re worried about a situation and it’s making you anxious, ask yourself whether it will matter in two years.

    Think back a few years to all those times you’ve worried about speaking your mind and being authentic. Are those situations still affecting you today? Assuming you can even remember them, I’m betting they aren’t.

    3. Remember who’s important to you.

    Maybe a colleague is doing something that annoys you or seems to have an issue with you. And you’re stressing about sorting things out because they’re a colleague and you have to work with them and it could get awkward and blah blah blah.

    The truth is, nothing will change unless you do. How important is this person? If you do nothing, things will stay the same, so why not try a different approach and see what happens?

    4. Prepare to disagree.

    It will happen; it’s not all smooth sailing when you decide to stop dancing to the beat of someone else’s drum. Just remain calm and deal with those who are disagreeing with you in a mature manner, even if they’re being immature.

    It’s hard at first, but it pays off when they realize that you don’t have to hide behind shouting to get your point across. Sticking to your guns is like giving yourself a hug; you feel amazing afterward, whatever happens.

    And one last bonus tip: Make time for yourself. When you take the time to relax and unwind, it can do wonders for your confidence, so you won’t fall back into the habit of trying to control everything and not focusing on yourself.

    Woman covering mouth image via Shutterstock

  • A Broken Heart Is an Open Heart

    A Broken Heart Is an Open Heart

    Light in Heart

    “A broken heart is not the same as sadness. Sadness occurs when the heart is stone cold and lifeless. On the contrary, there is an unbelievable amount of vitality in a broken heart.” ~Elizabeth Lesser

    “I love you but I’m not in love with you” was the line my first boyfriend used when he broke up with me. I was twenty-two.

    We were only together six months but I cried over him for a solid year, thinking a few parallel thoughts: “If I were thinner and prettier he would’ve been in love with me,“ “How could he not be in love with me, I’m HILARIOUS,” and “I’m never doing this love thing again. It hurts way too much.”

    Even letting myself fall in love was a big deal. I’d always kept people at a distance—friends and family included—because I didn’t want to be that vulnerable and I didn’t want to feel that much.

    Letting people in meant they might see things they didn’t like or see the things about me that I didn’t like. Being that open left way too much up to chance. I much preferred to control the situation.

    And so, when I let myself fall in love for the first time, I did it with strong boundaries drawn. I monitored the nice things I did for him to make sure I wasn’t going overboard. I checked in with myself frequently to make sure I wasn’t “losing myself” and was careful not to give him “too many” compliments.

    At the time, I thought my approach was very mature. I wasn’t going to be one of those girls who loses her mind and goes gaga for some undeserving dude.

    I would let myself love him, just not too much.

    Looking back now, I was in full-blown defensive mode driven by a deep need to protect my heart from any harm. I’m a mighty deep feeler and, like most humans, quite a sensitive soul, so loving someone just felt like way too much feeling for my delicate system to handle.

    A few years later I met my now ex-husband. He was kind and generous and, as my grandmother said, “He felt like an old shoe.” And so again, I let myself fall in love. A logical, rational, “we make sense together” kind of love.

    I was better with the compliments and did my best to love him through the little things. A home cooked meal, a hug and kiss every night when he walked in the door, a risotto tartlet from the farmer’s market to show I was thinking about him.

    And yet, I didn’t let him in in. I chose him because he was safe to love. I chose him because he would never ask for my whole heart, for my fullest capacity to love. He had no need to see the deeper, darker parts of me that were desperately seeking light, and I had zero interest in showing him.

    At the time, I really thought I loved him as much as I could. And I did, for the time and place we shared together. I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone, which felt enormous and vulnerable.

    I’d often have this recurring nightmare where something would happen to him and I’d be left all alone, bereft and broken. I was terrified by the dream, scared out of my mind not by the thought of losing him but by having to feel bereft and broken.

    And then one day, he left. And my heart, for the first time in my life, broke open and all I could do was feel.

    In the weeks and months following our separation, my heartbreak brought me face to face with more pain and more love than I had ever known.

    At times I thought I might break under the strain of their combined weight.

    While shedding horizontal tears that ricocheted off my glasses and ran down my face, as I watched my marriage and home crumble before me, I was able to muster more love for myself and for my pain than I ever could have, for either of us, during our marriage.

    When he left, the wall around my heart came tumbling down. The ice melted off the inner chambers of my soul. The doors to my ability to love swung open, inviting me to feel into those tender places so long ignored.

    It is true. I did not love my ex-husband to my fullest capacity because up until my heart broke open, I could not love myself to such capacity. 

    I was too busy protecting myself from my pain, my needs, his pain, his needs that I walked right past the love that is possible between two people when they open their hearts to one another.

    Know this: A broken heart is an open heart.

    It is in the breaking, when our hearts are peeled back on themselves, that our truths have passage to come in and out.

    If we’re lucky, our hearts will break over and over again to reveal new ways of being, of thinking, and of loving.

    Each break allows our hearts to heal bigger than the time before.

    Yes, there is pain every time we’re cracked open. Immeasurable pain. And with each break, each sting of pain, our hearts are able to expand and strengthen our capacity to love.

    Sunset heart image via Shutterstock

  • 7 Courageous Steps to Reconciling a Struggling Relationship

    7 Courageous Steps to Reconciling a Struggling Relationship

    Back to Back

    “Peace is not absence of conflict, it is the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means.” ~Ronald Reagan

    I have always had a tumultuous relationship with my mother. One filled with conflict, anger, and struggle.

    After years of non-communication, miscommunication, arguments, and fights, I realized it was time to reconcile what was left to whatever degree we were both capable.

    I had to let go of the past and get honest with myself—because whatever I was doing on my end was not only hurting our relationship, but also killing me from the inside out.

    I was crying out for resolution with my mother, not because I didn’t think I tried hard enough in the past, but because I knew I would regret it if I didn’t.

    This didn’t mean she would accept my feelings, or that we would suddenly become the best of friends. It was an opportunity to become the best versions of ourselves for this relationship—whatever that meant—whether we spoke every day about the weather or just on major holidays to say I love you.

    Now here I stand with a mother in my life and a relationship to go with it.

    And to be honest, it’s not the mother-daughter relationship I always wished for. But I am content and at peace with what we have now rather than what we didn’t have before.

    It’s a place where we can co-exist peacefully while respecting and loving one another.

    It is a relationship, and it took courage.

    Some relationships aren’t meant to be reconciled, and that’s okay. But that is a choice each of us must make. You must ask yourself, is this what I truly want? 

    The following seven steps contributed to the reconciliation of my relationship, and I hope they do the same for yours.

    1. Stop lying to yourself.

    If we lie to ourselves about what is okay and what is not, we are setting ourselves up for a major letdown.

    If something is not sitting right with you, don’t ignore it. Acknowledge your feelings, then promise yourself you’ll do something about it.

    My strained relationship with my mother was unsettling. I needed to acknowledge my feelings and make a plan of action to address it rather than ignore and repress.

    Once I became honest with myself, I felt a responsibility to confront the uneasiness inside. Doing so gave me a greater sense of control over myself rather than the issue having control over me.

    2. Be bold and make a move.

    Being assertive is a way of holding yourself accountable to the promise you made, and it’s the first proactive step toward letting the other person know you want resolution, not dissolution.

    I made the first step in contacting my mother. It wasn’t easy. I swallowed the big pill of pride I had in the bottom of my throat and trusted myself.

    I didn’t know if she would be receptive to me, but it was a risk I was willing to take.

    Making the first move to repair what’s broken isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of complete courage.

    3. Expose your guts.

    Being vulnerable is a way to display that you’re coming from a place of peace and honesty. It’s not always easy, but if a relationship is worth it, it won’t be as hard as you think.

    Stay committed to avoiding defensiveness. Tell yourself that you may experience some, along with resistance from the other person, but that’s okay.

    When speaking to my mother, I expressed my pain. It came from a pure place where I was able to be completely transparent to her in such a way that she could meet me for the first time, yet recognize all that was familiar to her.

    I was honest, loving, forgiving, and vulnerable; it was the only way to show my true self.

    4. Get vocal and keep an understanding ear.

    I confided in my mother about the effects our falling out was having on me. I say confide because I never told anyone else. No one else in my world could relate except my mom because she was hurting too.

    Listen to the other person. Just as you have your own perspective and experiences, so does the other person. There are no wrong or right feelings, so you must put yourself in their shoes.

    As hard as it was to hear the pain I had put my mom through, it gave me the clearest vision of what she had been experiencing. We were given an opportunity to understand and forgive each other.

    5. Make a deal.

    Be willing to give as well as take.

    Compromising is a fair and expressive way of giving your relationship love and attention.

    It doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your values or beliefs.

    It simply means that when both parties are asking for something, you’re both willing to give as much of yourselves that you are comfortable with, as well as take what you need in order to be happy.

    Just as I told my mother what I needed from our relationship, and what I would and wouldn’t stand for, she did the same. We compromised and agreed to give to each other in places where we felt we needed more support.

    6. Set your limits.

    A common misconception about boundaries is that they are meant to keep people or feelings out. That’s far from the truth.

    Boundaries are there to show respect to yourself and others.

    If something makes you uncomfortable, a boundary is set to tell others that it’s not okay to cross. You wouldn’t want to intentionally cross another’s boundary knowing it makes them uncomfortable, so why would you allow someone to do that to you?

    One of the biggest obstacles my mother and I had to overcome was our lack of boundaries. We ran all over each other as if respect didn’t exist—because, well, it didn’t.

    Once I established my boundaries, I felt safer. She communicated her boundaries, and it was as though a respect was born between us.

    Setting boundaries is key to earning and giving trust, which is the foundation of all healthy relationships.

    7. Follow through.

    The action of the relationship, especially when reconciling, is crucial. Trust has to be rebuilt, so the action needs to be seen as well as the words being heard.

    My phone calls and texts to my mother might seem like a minimal action to some, but for us, it’s major. It’s far more than we had in the past, and it’s what we said we would do, so we do it. It holds us accountable for keeping this relationship moving forward and not stagnating.

    Whatever the action, if you can make time to be fully immersed in your relationship when you’re together, it will create a sense of security and keep you moving forward.

    It’s worth it; now go for it.

    Relationships can feel like marathons, especially the difficult ones. They can feel like a race you can’t ever seem to win, but that usually means the techniques you’re using aren’t working.

    It’s okay to fall, fail, be wrong, get mad, and be frustrated. We are human. And as humans, we thrive and survive off of the relationships we make and maintain throughout our lifetimes.

    Give yourself and your relationship that chance to succeed. It’s not easy. It’s painful, it’s exhausting, and it’s humbling.

    But, man, it’s worth it.

    Imagine yourself running around the same track engulfed in a thick layer of fog for months, or even years. That’s your struggling relationship.

    Imagine how exhausted you feel. Imagine how you’re blinded from seeing anything else around you because you’re in the thick of it. Those are the issues in your relationship.

    But if you keep pushing through by following these seven courageous steps, it will pay off.

    Now, imagine yourself committing to that action and one fine day, after all your hard work, you run from the wet, pale fog into the warmth and light of the sun.

    And for the first time in a long time, you can see clearly all around you.

    You stop running and just breathe.

    That feeling of relief is the feeling I felt after reconciling with my mother, and it can be the relief you feel when you reconcile your struggling relationship.

    Back to back image via Shutterstock