Tiny Buddha

Category: love & relationships

  • We Don’t Need to “Fix” Our Appearance to Be Beautiful

    We Don’t Need to “Fix” Our Appearance to Be Beautiful

    Happy Older Woman

    “Kindness and awareness work together. Through awareness we understand the underlying beauty of everything and every being.” ~Amit Ray

    We were in Yorkshire—my brother, sister, and I—driving along narrow, windy roads. Sometimes we would come up a steep incline and be unable to see the rest of the road until we got to the crest. It was a little bit scary.

    It could have been worse, but that night it was a full moon and even though it was almost midnight, there was a great deal of light in the darkness. We were not normally out that late but had been to an evening theater show in Harrogate, which was about an hour and a half drive from where we were staying.

    My sister and I were playing CDs and talking to keep my brother awake, although between the bright moonlight and the difficulty of the route, I imagine sleep was the last thing on his mind! Possibly it was just knowing he was uncomfortable with that type of driving that was really motivating us to stay awake ourselves.

    We were chatting about the day’s events and planning what we would do for the rest of the week. Then, as we slowed down and came round a bend, right in front of us was the shell of an old abbey. We appeared to be in the middle of nowhere, so we were truly surprised by the fact that it was there.

    Gazing at it for just a few moments, the three of us were awed by the underlying beauty in the remnants of the ancient building.

    Eventually we made it home, after midnight. All of us exhausted, but happy to be finding our way to our respective beds. As I lay there in the dark, I couldn’t help thinking how magical the ruins of that old abbey had seemed.

    Maybe it was the moonlight shining through what was left of the priory windows, or the sheer height of the building. Or perhaps it was the unexpectedness of encountering it so far away from a town or village.

    Whatever it was, as I fell asleep I remained enchanted with the picture in my mind—the image of that dilapidated abbey, which still retained so much of its original majesty and beauty.

    In the morning as I meditated alone in my room, I started thinking about perfection, about beauty, and the obsession that seems prevalent in our culture today.

    I wondered why so many people go to such extraordinary lengths to stay looking young, to reject any signs of aging, and to “fix” those aspects of themselves that do not conform to what is considered beautiful.  

    I thought about the magnificence of the abbey—that despite the deterioration, the building was still exquisite. I recalled that there in the moonlight, it was easy to see the graceful lines, the lovely arches, the grandness of what it had once been. Yes, the stained glass windows I imagine it once had were long gone, but for me it did not need to be perfect; its loveliness still touched my heart.

    How much more true must this be for those we know, care about, and love? Does anyone really need to hold on to what time and loving has altered? Do wrinkles need to be removed, teeth whitened, or bodies lifted and tucked?

    Surely the beauty of who we are does not diminish in the eyes of those around us, because we look a little, or even a lot older?

    It’s not that I am against anything anyone does. I don’t feel it is wrong to try and improve your looks. It is more that I believe it is not necessary.

    Through awareness, I have learned that everything and everyone has an underlying beauty.

    For a long time I was very focused on beauty. I only saw beauty on the outside, was critical and judgmental. I used the word ugly. But with spiritual awareness, I now look at things and people differently. I have become kinder—more willing to observe from my heart.

    I know that true beauty does not lie in perfection, or in only looking as young as possible. I have no desire to hold onto or create an illusion of youth. I am happy to accept my face, my body the way it is, knowing this is a natural part of the experience of living.

    Here in my heart is the sum of the learning I have gained and the wisdom I have acquired, from all I have gone through. Here in my heart is the peace that has come from knowing myself, from loving myself. Here too, is the love I hold—the memories I have—for all the gentle souls I have known, who touched my life in the most beautiful of ways.

    These days, what I see in those I know and love are not flaws or signs of aging, but the beauty that shines through—the result of tears we have cried, smiles we have shared, and the love that binds us together.

    Though my eyes may take in what time or illness has altered, my heart looks with loving kindness at the person before me. And, noticing only what has always been there—a loving, caring, supportive, accepting being—my soul acknowledges and marvels at the underlying beauty of the person I see.

    Happy mature woman image via Shutterstock

  • Drop the Mask: How to Slowly Lower Your Guard and Change Your Life

    Drop the Mask: How to Slowly Lower Your Guard and Change Your Life

    Man with Mask

    “The less you open your heart to others, the more your heart suffers.” ~Deepak Chopra

    The root of my inability to be open stems from my childhood. (I guess much of who we are comes from childhood, right?)

    I remember around the time I was eight years old going to a party at my aunt’s house. Even though I don’t remember the details of the party, I do remember what happened after.

    We got home that night and my dad asked me, ”Don’t you think you should be a little more reserved or have a little mystery to you?”

    I was thinking, “Huh?” What did I say or express at this party that made him say that?

    I’m sure I needed to hear that, because who knows what the heck I was saying. And I do believe having some boundaries is important.

    But I was a little expressive girl sharing my insides and sharing what I saw and experienced. I don’t believe we should share everything with everybody and “emotionally vomit” on people, but for some reason, that moment really defined me.

    I looked up to my father, and since I grew up without a mother, I looked to him for guidance.

    But now as an adult, I realize that my father was a private, closed person himself. So he was projecting that onto me.

    As I got older, I continued little by little closing parts of me off.

    People used to always tell me, “Lisa, you are such a great listener.” And yes, that is one of my best qualities, and I truly do enjoy people and want to see and hear them. But I rarely give people the chance to see me and hear me.

    If someone I don’t know very deeply asks me a question, I usually think before answering and feel uncomfortable talking about myself. Even if there is an opening or opportunity to share one of my experiences in a social setting, sometimes I choose not to.

    Why? Some guesses I have are:

    • I didn’t want to give up the illusion of having it all together.
    • I didn’t want to be seen as weak or needy.
    • I didn’t want to be vulnerable.

    And I’m an extrovert! I have always made friends easily and have always had friends. But recently, I took a look at my adult friendships, and I discovered that I only have a handful of friends that I would consider deep and extremely connected and meaningful, where I can totally be myself and feel comfortable completely trusting them with everything.

    Yes, I know many people say they don’t need a lot of deep relationships and only need a few. But is that BS we tell ourselves? Is that really true?

    Why can’t every relationship we have be as deep and connected? Aren’t most of us mirrors of each other and struggling for the same things?

    The reality is that I don’t want distance between me and anyone in my life. What I really crave is closeness to others and my community and many real connections.

    Being more open at the same time I feel vulnerable is like learning a second language for me.

    I know I will never be the person to spill my guts and be expressive the way others can be, and I’m okay with that.

    But I know it’s possible to open up your blinds for all people to see while remaining authentic.

    Here are a few strategies that have worked for me that may also work for you.

    1. Determine what masks you wear and why you truly are guarded.

    Did you have a bad experience as a child? When you open up, do people receive it negatively? Do you have certain insecurities that hold you back? Are you an introvert and really have a different process for connecting with people?

    Asking yourself these questions will help you get to the root of your insecurities. Just like doctors don’t treat illnesses before they understand the cause of your symptoms, you can’t change yourself without knowing why you are the way you are.

    Take some time—whether it’s just a half hour or a full weekend—to self-reflect. Consider writing down your feelings if you think it will help. Use this time to learn more about yourself and figure out why you’re guarded.

    2. Notice when you become closed, shutdown or guarded.

    Now that you know why you’re guarded, it’s time to become attentive to it.

    A few months ago, I went to a conference and had the opportunity to meet all kinds of amazing people. When the part came toward the end of the first day to “network” and talk and meet people, I ended up going to get a drink with someone I already knew because it was easier and I didn’t have to meet anyone new.

    But what made this time different was that I noticed and became aware of it in the moment. I completely shifted my mindset while I was there, and I can’t say I regret it.

    I met the most amazing people. We got past surface and business talk quickly, and I still keep up with many of them.

    You may find similar experiences equally rewarding. If you can’t work up the courage to take action yet, that’s okay. At this point, it’s about becoming aware of yourself.

    3. Let go of control.

    It sounds counterintuitive. How can you take off your masks if you aren’t in control? Let me explain.

    I’m reading this book called Courage: The Joy of Living Dangerously by Osho. In it, Osho says:

    “If you understand, insecurity is an intrinsic part of life—and good that it is so, because it makes life a freedom, it makes life a continuous surprise. One never knows what is going to happen.

    It keeps you continuously in wonder. Don’t call it uncertainty—call it WONDER. Don’t call it insecurity—call it FREEDOM.”

    It takes courage to dig into who you really are and share that with other people, to completely cut yourself open to others. But it means you have to let go of being in any kind of control and trying to predict the outcome of what happens.

    When you’re in control, fear consumes you, and you follow it. Be courageous and let the situation control itself. Then your fears and masks will subside on their own.

    4. Be unattached to the possible outcomes when sharing your thoughts and feelings.

    It’s one thing to let go of control. It’s another to become unattached to the outcomes.

    It’s tough, I know, but when fears of what might happen next are holding you back, you have to stop worrying about the outcomes.

    It’s not about what people think of you. It’s not about whether they judge you because you are stating a truth and being yourself.

    It’s about your own personal growth. The only outcome that matters is the strength you gain from opening up. Remind yourself of that and all other possible outcomes will worry you less.

    Share yourself and your voice and let go.

    5. Take action in small steps until you become more comfortable.

    The tips above simply won’t happen overnight. You aren’t expected to let your guard down immediately and magically become willing to share your feelings and your voice. It’s going to take time.

    That’s where baby steps can help you.

    Instead of throwing yourself head-on into sharing your feelings or conversing with strangers, start out small:

    • Attend a social event, such as a party or conference, but bring a friend along for support. Make it a point to pitch in a comment or a strong opinion and talk to someone you don’t know.
    • Make it a habit to write in a journal every day for two weeks. Then, read excerpts to someone close to you so you can practice sharing the deeper things that you are thinking about.
    • Join a group where sharing is part of the platform, such as a business mastermind or hobby associated group.

    As you get more comfortable in these situations, take bigger steps:

    • Strike up a one-on-one conversation with a stranger. If this scares you, you can minimize some of your fears by talking to someone you know you’ll never see again. That way, the possible outcomes won’t scare you as much.
    • Share your story with a group of people. Talking with a supportive group of people or to your spiritual leader is a good place to start because these are safe environments where people won’t judge you.
    • Write about your experience and share it online—even if you publish it anonymously or under a pseudonym.
    • Write an article for a community like Tiny Buddha about an experience you want to share.

    Lowering your guard and being completely vulnerable in a meaningful way is incredibly difficult for people like me. But when you have a desire to change and you look inside yourself for courage, becoming the person you want to be is far less frightening.

    Man with mask image via Shutterstock

  • Create a Team to Battle Fears and Loneliness

    Create a Team to Battle Fears and Loneliness

    People Holding Hands

    “When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” ~Lao Tzu

    Five years ago, I found myself rebuilding my life after my fourteen-year marriage ended. During those first months preceding my divorce, crushing feelings of fear and loneliness often consumed me. Thankfully, I began seeing a wonderful therapist named Muriel.

    Each week, I held my breath until it was time for my appointment, when I could curl up on Muriel’s sofa and exhale all my anxieties.

    One week, when I was particularly overwhelmed, Muriel gave me the number of the local Crisis Hotline and insisted that I save it in my mobile phone.

    “I’m not suicidal!” I said, laughing as I dutifully recorded the number.

    A few nights later, I awakened in the middle of the night filled with anxiety and fear. I couldn’t stop crying. I called a good friend, but she didn’t answer. Just as I began to panic, I remembered the number Muriel gave me.

    After pouring my heart out to a complete stranger at the Crisis Hotline Center, an hour later I hung up the phone and promptly fell asleep. (In fact, I felt better from the moment I heard the volunteer’s voice on the end of the line.)

    Having the right resource empowered me to get the help I needed, when I needed it, in an appropriate manner.

    After that night, I realized the value of reaching out to the “right” person to help me through the various challenges I faced.

    In the months that followed, I came to rely upon my attorney to navigate the often rough waters of custody negotiation and property dispersal.

    I called on my accountant to provide me with guidance on my tax return.

    When I became anxious about my financial situation, I tapped the expertise of a financial planner to help me set up long- and short-term goals.

    In my personal life, I knew I could rely on my sisters for parenting tips, and I tapped the wisdom of my (single) friends when I began dating again.

    I also had colleagues with whom I could share ideas about pitching stories, or finding new clients. And I sought out a spiritual community with whom I could study, meditate, and pray.

    After a while, I began to look at every person in my life who helped me with an aspect of my well-being as a member of “Team Brigid.” Soon, my phone was filled with numbers of “experts” who could help me weather any crisis, or celebrate any triumph.

    Celebrities and millionaires have entourages and handlers to take care of their every task and need. But I don’t have to have fame or fortune to put together my own personal concierge service. In fact, having a team doesn’t have to cost me a cent; I only have to identify the people who are most valuable in my life and ask them for help.

    Creating my team roster didn’t take a lot of effort. Most of these people were already helping me in some capacity. But it’s a great source of comfort and confidence to create a list of all the people in various areas of my life who could help me with different tasks.

    For example, the mechanic who changes my car’s oil every 3,000 miles is an incredibly valuable member of my team—if I choose to look at him that way. Same goes for my hair stylist and my dry cleaner and my editor. I can look at each facet of my life—intellectual, physical, and spiritual—and identify people who are already helping me.

    By using the team perspective, I consider everyone who provides me a service as an ally, which makes the world a friendly place.

    The checkout woman at the grocery store who is always so nice to me (and everyone in her lane), and the Zumba instructor at my gym are all members of my team. As I expand my list, I realize how many people contribute to how I get through the day. Sometimes a friendly smile in the checkout lane makes all the difference.

    I don’t have an intimate relationship with every single person on my list. In fact, most of Team Brigid doesn’t know what’s happening in my personal life, let alone that they are on my “team roster,” but I can count on them all to play their part.

    Today, my team is more important than ever. Some days, just remembering that I have a wealth of (paid and unpaid) experts at the ready to support and guide me helps me maintain sanity and perspective when life becomes difficult.

    “Team Brigid” includes: my accountant, financial advisor, therapist, attorney, gynecologist, general practitioner, dentist, spiritual teacher, my neighbors, work colleagues, editors and clients, my car mechanic, hair stylist, 12-Step Sponsor, 12-Step program friends, my sisters and family members, girlfriends, my son, boyfriend, ex-husband*, my son’s teachers, coaches, and school counselors, and my son’s pediatrician.

    (*Yes, my ex is on my team today, as he plays an important role in helping raise our son.)

    Whenever I begin to feel anxious or lonely, I pull out my team roster and call up the appropriate player. For example, if I’m concerned about my son’s math grade, rather than sit and worry, I send an email to his teacher.

    Sharing my team perspective comes in handy when I have a loved one who is struggling with a difficult situation and leaning on me for support. Like my dear friend who (thankfully) slept through my 2am meltdown years ago, sometimes I just can’t be on the end of the phone—or I’m not the appropriate person to provide assistance.

    By helping my loved one develop her own team roster, I’m empowering her with far more help than I could by simply doling out advice based on my limited experience. (Plus, the team approach helps reduce caregiver burn out.)

    Who’s on your team? Spend some time today making a list of all the helpful people in your life who contribute to your well-being. You might find a position or two that needs to be filled. Or you may discover that you’ve “over-hired” in some areas.

    Looking at my life from a team approach helps me be open to the resources that are around me. I don’t have to be completely self-reliant, nor depend on any one person to take care of my needs.

    Ultimately, creating a list of the Most Valuable Players in my life helps me remember that, no matter what comes my way, I am never alone.

    People holding hands image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Ways to Deal With Envy So It Doesn’t Steal Your Happiness

    5 Ways to Deal With Envy So It Doesn’t Steal Your Happiness

    “Happiness is found when you stop comparing yourself to other people.” ~Unknown

    Throughout this year I’ve noticed myself feeling envious of other people. Particularly, I would feel envious of the famous people that I would see on television, read about in magazines, and follow on social media.

    I wouldn’t even be envious of them for the things one might expect. It wasn’t because they were famous or wealthy. It wasn’t because they had millions of followers on social media. And it wasn’t because they were good looking.

    Still, I would find myself feeling envious of an actress if she had a better personality than I did. I would feel bad about myself for not being as outgoing or bubbly or expressive. I would feel like I wasn’t as likeable for being quiet and an introvert.

    I would feel envious of another celebrity for her ability to live a fun and impulsive life. I would see the way someone else could take risks and not seem to worry about the future. This made me feel like I was too cautious, and that it would keep me from having an exciting life.

    I would feel envious of a musician for the level of success she achieved. This would be especially true if the singer was close to my age. I would feel as though I was wasting my life away, while other people my age already had careers.

    Whenever I felt this way, I always wanted to try to understand these feelings. Not only did I want to understand them, I wanted to make them go away.

    I didn’t want to feel envious of the people that I looked up to. I wanted to feel happy for them.

    So, I would think about the person that made me feel this way and I would try to figure out what specifically made me feel envious. I would try to list my own strengths. I would try to see that this person wasn’t so different from me.

    When that didn’t work, I would try to ignore the feelings. When that didn’t work, I just hoped these feelings would just fade over time. But I couldn’t seem to get the results I wanted.

    It became clear to me that I would have to learn to embrace my feelings instead. One thing I’ve come to realize is that you can’t really control how you feel. Feelings are not inherently bad. But you need to look within to understand what is causing them.

    By embracing my feelings, I realized that I would become envious of different people for similar reasons. I was envious of the person with a more outgoing personality because I wanted people to notice me.

    When I thought I was envious of someone’s success, I realized I was envious jealous of the friends she made along the way.

    Most of my envy came from a desire to make more friends and have more fun.

    On this path toward understanding envy, I remembered a time when I was younger when I would always get envious of my friends when they won trophies. I didn’t participate in sports, so there wasn’t any chance of me getting a trophy of my own.

    As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to realize that trophies and awards don’t matter all that much. They can certainly help a person to feel good about his or her hard work. But what really matters is the journey.

    What matters is playing the sport, or playing the music, or performing in the plays, or solving the equations. What matters is growing and becoming better than you once were. What matters is doing something you love to do. The trophy is really just a symbol of the journey.

    If a person had a trophy, I would feel like she was better than me. I didn’t have one, so I would feel worthless. I didn’t realize that it represented something deeper. I didn’t understand the hard work or the journey.

    Now that I’m older, I realize that I don’t get envious of people who win trophies or awards anymore. Coming to this realization gave me hope. It made me realize that envy is something we can outgrow.

    Still, time is not the only remedy for unwanted envy.

    5 Tips For Overcoming Envy

    1. Look beyond the surface.

    If we feel envious of someone, we’re probably only seeing what’s on the surface.

    It might seem like a person has easily acquired success, love, and quite frankly, happiness, while we struggle to achieve any one of those things. However, it’s important to remember that life is a journey.

    If a person has success, there is a journey that led up to it. If a person has love, there is a journey that led up to it. These things don’t happen overnight. They take time. And you have to give yourself time to achieve them, too.

    2. Take some time to unplug.

    Social media makes it so easy for us to see the best parts of other people’s lives. It can make it seem like everyone else is happy and successful, while we are struggling to keep up.

    If you feel envious of someone, take some time to just focus on youtself. Do things that will make you happy, like taking a nice bath or drinking tea or going for a bike ride. Take some time to focus on things that make you feel good about yourself.

    3. Look within.

    If you are envious of someone, take some time to understand why specifically you are envious of him or her.

    Maybe you’re envious of the person’s career or appearance or abilities. Why do you feel envious of that particular thing? Maybe it would bring you happiness. Maybe it would give you independence. It could be that the thing you really want can be achieved in a variety of different ways.

    4. Know that your feelings do not make you a bad person.

    When I’m envious of someone it can be frustrating, because I usually just want to be happy for that person’s success. So then, not only do I feel envious, but I also feel guilty.

    We feel the things we do for a reason, and oftentimes we have to dig deep within to understand the true source of those feelings. Be patient with yourself.

    5. Know that you are valuable.

    If I feel envious of someone, it’s usually because I believe she is better than me. I’ll be envious of one aspect of that person’s life and think I am worthless because I don’t have that one thing.

    The truth is that we are all valuable. You may not have everything you want in your life right now, but that does not take away your worth. You don’t need to compare yourself to others because you are perfect the way you are.

  • The Guru of Caumsett: Simple Yet Profound Lessons from a Kind Stranger

    The Guru of Caumsett: Simple Yet Profound Lessons from a Kind Stranger

    Buddha

    “See the light in others, and treat them as if that is all you see.” ~Dr. Wayne Dyer

    It was about a month after my son was born that I was introduced to the man I have come to think of, only somewhat facetiously, as “The Guru of Caumsett.”

    My husband and I were at the park with our newborn son when a man I’d never seen before began waving as he strode determinedly—despite a pronounced limp that caused him to drag, ever-so-slightly, one leg behind the other—past us.

    “How are you doing?” my husband called, waving back while I smiled and nodded my hello.

    “Just great! It’s a beautiful day. You enjoy it!” he encouraged, never stopping completely, but all the while holding my gaze and smiling brightly at us, as if he’d just bumped into long lost friends.

    I questioned my husband as to how he knew him, and he explained that he didn’t. But he saw him every time he was at the park, and the man always greeted not only him but everyone he passed on the path the same way.

    A month or so later I was back at the park. It was to be another scorching mid-summer day, as was evident by the tightness in my lungs and frizziness of my hair.

    But I was determined to run just one full lap around the path before submitting to the heat. It had been many months since I had attempted such a feat. And within only a matter of a few yards, I realized that I had grossly overestimated my body’s readiness for such a challenge.

    Not more than eight weeks prior I had been lying in the hospital after enduring twenty-eight hours of arduous labor that culminated in the emergency Cesarean surgery from which I was still recovering. In fact, from which I had only just begun to truly recover.

    Sadly, like many women, my birthing experience, although successful in that our precious baby boy was born healthy, ended up being a rather traumatic event for me due to circumstances out of everyone’s control.

    As a result, those first few weeks at home were filled with unexpected feelings of inadequacy and, at times, an overwhelming sense of fear that I’d only begun to be able to understand and move through.

    Exercise, I was sure, would help shed not only the remaining baby weight, but also some of the anxiety I had so uncharacteristically been carrying. So when my attempt at running was sabotaged by my still ravaged body and the oppressive humidity, I felt nothing short of despair. 

    The paved path at Caumsett State Park is a three-mile loop. I had made it exactly to the halfway point when I could no longer maintain even the painful shuffle to which my usually fine runner’s stride had devolved.

    Winded and with my clothes plastered with sweat to my still swollen body, I conceded. But I still had to walk the additional mile and a half back to my car.

    As I leaned into the steep incline of the final hill, I was alarmed by the extent of exhaustion and weakness I felt. I began to wonder if I would ever again feel the same strength and comfort in my body that I had been so used to prior to my pregnancy.

    And that’s when I saw him. Just as I was arriving at the top of the hill he was beginning his descent. Without a trace of sweat on his brow—and limp be damned—he moved past me with enviable ease.

    With barely enough breath in my lungs to keep me moving, I managed only a small wave and smile. Without missing a beat and with his face beaming, he said, “Good Morning! You’re doing great. You look terrific!”

    Despite my sweaty clothes and heavier frame, my labored breathing and negative thoughts, I simply stopped in my tracks and said, “Thank you! You have no idea how much I needed that.”

    In the West, the word guru is most simply and often defined as “teacher.” However, when the word is broken into two syllables, its deeper meaning can be better understood.

    Gu denotes a spiritual ignorance or a state of darkness that so many of us experience and unfortunately, dwell within. Ru represents the light of spiritual knowledge that dispels the spiritual ignorance.

    In short, a guru is one who dispels the darkness of spiritual ignorance and lights the way toward spiritual knowledge.

    So you see, with only a few kind words and his genuine goodwill, my guru of Caumsett managed to illuminate for me a new way of thinking and experiencing the situation in which I had found myself.

    I quickly went from feeling frustrated and defeated to being able to recognize all I had so recently been through, and I became excited, proud even, of how well I was doing only a short eight weeks later. He shone his light into my darkness for no other reason except because he could.

    For the most part, I’m sure he is just a regular guy. But to me and everyone else who is lucky enough to meet him along their way, he is a personification and great reminder of some of life’s most simple yet profound lessons.

    Smile at each other. Offer some kind words and a genuine caring for those around you. Build people up instead of knocking them down.

    Work to see your perceived obstacles instead as opportunities. And let nothing stand in your way of realizing just how blessed you truly are.

    Smiling Buddha image via Shutterstock

  • 8 Proactive Ways to Finally End Your Loneliness

    8 Proactive Ways to Finally End Your Loneliness

    Lonely Man

    “The eternal quest of the individual human being is to shatter his loneliness.” ~Norman Cousins

    Loneliness … sigh.

    It hurts on the inside and feels pathetic on the outside, doesn’t it?

    You’re physically and mentally isolated from everyone.

    And if something unforeseen were to happen to you such as falling down stairs and being knocked unconscious (God forbid), would anyone really notice? Admit it, a predicament like that has probably gone through your mind at least once in your life.

    At least in my mind it has.

    Years ago, I was single and moved out of the city for a new job.

    Though my new place was only an hour’s drive away from friends and family, I felt like I was living on Pluto.

    How Loneliness Can Make You Feel Starved

    Living away from everyone I knew and loved, I became lonely and depressed. I felt as if I weren’t part of this world any longer—like I was absolutely worthless. No feeling of importance … nothing.

    In hindsight, I realized my family and friends were my invisible support structures. Without them, I’d soon find out I had nothing holding me together.

    Sure, I was independent, but that was getting food or taking care of myself. Things like that. But something was still missing. Something I couldn’t give myself even if my life depended on it.

    Some kind of connection.

    A feeling like I mattered … to someone, anyone.

    People close to you are like mirrors. Reflecting their reactions, thoughts, and feelings at you. If you’re deprived of that, you’re starving yourself of what it means to be human.

    Low Points in Life Are Meant to Help You See the Light

    How can you pull yourself out of the abyss if no one is there to give you a hand?

    My co-workers were new and still strangers. Admittedly, I was an introvert and didn’t have the desire to speak to fresh faces. Yeah, I’d call my family once and awhile, but I still felt empty.

    How can you feel your worth if no one is physically there to share it with?

    I didn’t have an outlet for stress besides beer and cigarettes. This beast called loneliness was destroying me from the inside out.

    Why bother helping myself when I felt that nobody gave a damn about me in the first place?

    Months dragged on, I could barely take it any longer, and then it hit me.

    I realized I was guilty of causing my current reality. No one else or no outside force was causing me to feel this way.

    I was the one who decided to move to a different location, feel sorry for myself, and prevent myself from getting better. No one did this to me but me.

    You Can Control Loneliness; Loneliness Doesn’t Have To Control You

    When loneliness strikes us, we struggle to open our eyes, stop letting loneliness hurt us, and do something about it. Thankfully, there are a few essential steps that can help us succeed:

    1. Stop building your own obstacles.

    Constantly working overtime at your job, ignoring invitations, or being a homebody are self-built walls that separate you from the outside world.

    To have some sort of connection with others, you’ve got to figure out how to stop shooting yourself in the foot even if you’re not doing it intentionally.

    Take a good look at your lifestyle, and figure out what’s closing you off from others. Is it you (your personality traits, quirks, likes and dislikes) or your predicament (your job or living situation)?

    Stop working overtime for once, and spend time with friends who you’ve put off for a while. Or stop binge-watching your favorite shows, and just get out of the house.

    You’ve got to find out how to free yourself before you can help yourself.

    2. Don’t substitute a computer for the real thing.

    Technology can never replace human touch. From the moment you’re born and held as a baby, the touch you felt helped promote healthy psychological and physical development inside you.

    Just because you’re an adult doesn’t mean that lack of contact still won’t affect you.

    Connecting with someone through social media, Skype, or phone calls is nice (nothing wrong with that), but physically being next to family or friends is a million times better and much more effective. Why?

    Because you can’t digitize a hug or a handshake.

    3. Find the root of your loneliness.

    The following things can cause loneliness: being an introvert, lacking social skills, suffering from depression, or being negative.

    Whatever it may be, you’ll need to acknowledge it. Then focus on developing your self-esteem and your social adeptness to tackle those causes.

    Loneliness at its very core begins with the relationship one has with one’s self. Don’t berate yourself or dwell on bad experiences every day. Learn to love yourself.

    A lonely person needs to reconnect with the self first. Otherwise, all other relationships will be unhappy and uncertain.

    4. Reach out when necessary.

    Social interaction is like food. In fact, evidence suggests that if we are starved of this basic staple, we may fall apart mentally and physically.

    Don’t wait until it’s too late to ask for help. Repercussions can range from minuscule to severe. You may brush it off as nothing or do something to harm yourself (drugs, alcohol, or self-inflicted pain). Please don’t let that happen.

    As bad as something may seem, people do care about you. Even people who don’t even know you yet can care about you.

    Schedule a meeting with a counselor or therapist if you have more complex issues.

    5. Consciously create new friendships (even if you’re an introvert).

    Introduce yourself to that unknown co-worker you’ve seen countless times walking in your direction at work, or strike up a conversation with new neighbors that just moved in your area.

    It’s amazing how we can choose who to let in our door and who we can shut out. You are your own gatekeeper.

    Spend your day deliberately creating new friendships when the opportunity arises. The number of new faces you can introduce into your life at any given time is up to you.

    6. Help others.

    Helping or volunteering is a natural instinct that fulfills our internal needs. Not only will you be lifting the other person’s spirits, but you’ll also be lifting yours as well.

    When you’re helping others even if it’s a tiny act of kindness, you’re not only making a huge difference for them, you’re also gaining a stronger sense of purpose.

    But most importantly, you’re creating a special bond with another human being. Being united with one person or a group of people is the key to eliminating loneliness.

    7. Adopt a dog from a pet shelter.

    Companionship doesn’t necessarily have to come from other Homo sapiens. Dogs can give us unconditional companionship as well.

    Imagine how happy and anxious they’ll be when you get home—they’re always loyal and by your side.

    Research has shown that people with pets feel less lonely because pets can provide a sense of social support.

    8. Join a group based on your interests.

    Got an interest in painting? There’s a group for that. How about bowling? There’s a club for that. Whatever it may be, tons of groups are out there that can pique your interest.

    What better way to develop a new skill or polish an old one right now and do it with like-minded people who share your enthusiasm.

    Do your research, and join a club, class, or social group. Sharing similar interests with others is a great way to forge new friendships.

    You Are Your Only Hope

    You’re the only one who can keep your loneliness in check. If you don’t, it’ll sneak up on you and suffocate your social life. It will then trickle into your mental and physical health and do its damage there.

    No one knows you better than you, and no one can read your mind. Remember, before someone can help you, you have to address the problem and help yourself first.

    No one can connect with you if you’re locked away at work or cooped up at home either.

    Make the time and effort, and get in communication with others. Make that date, that appointment for counseling, or that get-together. Make sure you actively put yourself out there.

    An amazing human being is suppressed inside of you anxiously waiting to connect with another human being.

    All you have to do is free yourself, be fearless, and take that first step.

    Lonely man image via Shutterstock

  • How Self-Awareness Can Help Us Love People Just as They Are

    How Self-Awareness Can Help Us Love People Just as They Are

    Woman with Heart

    “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” ~C.G. Jung

    We were visiting my parents’ place in the woods for the weekend. I unlocked the door to the cabin and flipped the switch. The lights didn’t come on, so I began rapidly flipping other switches. I hollered at my husband to come have a look.

    He walked to the breaker box in the back. I heard popping as he flipped them on and off. He shouted every so often, “Try the front room!” I reported back, “Nope.”

    “Try the bedroom!” I reported back again, “Nope.”

    We did this for a few moments, then he came around the corner and said, “It’s a bad breaker. They’ll need an electrician.”

    He walked out the front door and bent over to put his boots back on. I asked, “So it’s not something you can fix?”

    He looked over his shoulder and replied, “I’m scared of two things—snakes and electricity.”

    Then he pulled the leg of his jeans down over his right boot. I jokingly said, “There are only two? Aren’t you scared of me?” and I playfully patted his rear end.

    He slid his left boot on, straightened his other pant leg, and stood up. He looked me square in the eye and said without smiling, “Yes, you too, when we aren’t meeting your expectations and doing things the way you like them done.”

    The grin slid from my face and my shoulders slumped forward. His feelings were still hurt from my reprimand the night before. I made big sad eyes and dropped the corners of my mouth to look pitiful. He held his ground, “Hey, you poke at me sometimes; I’m just poking you back.”

    Indeed, his words were like a hot fire poker rearranging embers in my gut. A flame caught and my fiery ego snidely replied, “I only do it in your best interest.” In his eyes I could see the wall going up. He sensed a lecture coming and turned and walked away.

    I stood there alone in my pride. “Yes, I do push my husband and son to be better. So?” But in that moment my heart asked, “Better than what? They are already the very best gifts in my life.”

    Some time passed. I decided a walk might clear my head and heal the hurt.

    As I stretched, I heard my dad complaining in the distance. He was upset that someone had not done something the way he wanted it done.

    He lectured my ten-year-old son about being irresponsible. My son wasn’t the culprit, but he still got a sermon about doing things “the wrong way.”

    I assumed my dad had the good intention of teaching my son something, but his rebuke roused the mama bear in me. I growled, “Why is he putting his ridiculous expectations on my cub?”

    Before I went to strike, I noticed the burden had an eerie familiarity. I suddenly realized that I was not upset with my dad; I was upset with myself. “That’s how I sound sometimes,” my heart reminded me. And I could see clearly what my husband was poking at.

    I closed my eyes and turned my shame toward the sun.

    I let my shoulder blades fall gently down my back to open my chest. I took in a deep breath of Leance and held it for a moment. I exhaled guilt. I inhaled forgiveness and let go of control.

    In the stillness I acknowledged that I am broken, but I am not beyond repair. I can apologize for expecting my boys to be different than they already beautifully are. And I can take note of how I am hard wired and ask to be transformed by love.

    We all have blind spots that impair our relationships. I’ve realized that the best way to gain insight is to pause and really listen when someone shares his or her frustrations with us. If we humble our egos and limit our lips, our eyes will often open wide and so will our hearts.

    One way we can wake up to our blind spots is to begin noticing the situations that repeatedly make us mad. A situation won’t give us a charge unless it connects deeply to something inside of us. It’s our work to determine what exactly our anger is connecting to and why.

    Once we have noticed what aggravates us, we can look within. “Where in my life do I potentially do something similar to this?”

    If disrespect makes you disgruntled, where in your life are you possibly disrespecting yourself or someone else?

    If being controlled makes you cross, where in your life are you potentially being overly controlling?

    If injustice infuriates you, where in your own life are being even the slightest bit unjust?

    Our world-changing work begins by looking within. It is from this place of self-awareness and authenticity that we can begin to truly heal our own hurts and learn to honestly love others just as they are.

    Woman with heart image via Shutterstock

  • How to Make Anxiety Work for You, Not Against You

    How to Make Anxiety Work for You, Not Against You

    Lonely Girl

    “Growth begins when we start to accept our own weakness.” 
~Jean Vanier

    I got fired from my job, my boyfriend left me, and my father died in one day.

    In reality, my career was going super well, I didn’t have a boyfriend, and my father was amazingly healthy, but what I did have was something I call an ultra amazing imagination, where I would make up fascinating stories about things that could happen and worry about them. (Or as other people call it, general anxiety disorder.)

    I met my now BFF anxiety when I was about ten years old. Initially, she wasn’t that much of a drag, except for casually letting me know that I should dread going to school on Mondays because something terrible was going to happen.

    I didn’t understand why she was telling me this.

    Rationally I knew it wasn’t true. I loved school. But I couldn’t get her words out of my mind. I tried explaining what was happening to my sweet and caring father, but the only words I could get out were: “Dad, I feel bad, and I don’t know why.”

    Anxiety took the liberty of moving into my room and accompanied me through my teenage years and twenties. She had black greasy hair that covered her face, and shrivelled, pale white skin that looked like it was starving for something. I just didn’t know what.

    The more I ignored her, the more she dug her dirt-filled, jagged nails deep into my bare skin.

    There was nothing I could do to escape her. I obviously couldn’t tell anyone. She assured me people wouldn’t understand.

    Besides, I had grown used to the feeling of having knots in my stomach every day and the sleepless, nightmare-filled nights. If I didn’t have these experiences anymore, who would I be?

    That’s until I turned thirty and had, well, as public speaker and shame researcher Brené Brown calls it, a spiritual awakening (a breakdown). I had reached breaking point and realized I couldn’t live the rest of my life like this.

    There had to be another way.

    I did all the typical things people do when they have a spiritual awakening.

    I journaled profusely, saw a psychologist, joined an eight-week mindfulness-based meditation class for people with anxiety and depression (I took the class three times), and learned something called Psych K to change my subconscious beliefs about myself.

    These things helped immensely. But what really changed the way I felt about anxiety was watching, wait for it, a teen, Hollywood, science fiction movie—Insurgent.

    (Warning, spoiler alert). There’s a scene in the movie where the main female character, Tris, has to pass a variety of simulations to escape a futuristic prison she’s been captured in.

    The particular simulation that changed my life shows twenty-something, short-haired Tris standing face to face with her beautiful clone, who’s embodied the anxious voices in her mind.

    She sees the clone running at her full force, trying to physically kill her. (If you’ve ever had major anxiety, a lot of the time, that’s what it feels like.)

    They duel it out, Matrix style, by flying around the room trying to attack each other, while smashing into thick glass windows.

    Her clone violently shouts out all the things Tris tries to avoid hearing such as: no one will forgive you and no one loves you. (I might have added the love part in, but hey, it adds to my point).

    Tris then stops fighting as she realizes she’s the only one who can accept her ego and says lovingly: “I will forgive you. I will love you.” The clone stops attacking her, the simulation dissolves, and she’s passed the test.

    After watching this scene I collapsed into what looked like a hunched over tree that had been hit by a storm. I burst into inconsolable tears, while my little white, fluffy dog looked at me with his head tilted as if to say: “What’s wrong, girl?”

    I thought about how all these years I’d been talking to myself like I was worthless. Every time I felt sadness or anxiety I berated myself further and emotionally smashed myself into the ground whenever I needed help.

    I was the one who had turned anxiety into some sort of creepy horror movie character, when really all she was, was a version of me who just wanted to be heard and loved.

    I decided that day to change anxiety’s name to “sweetheart.”

    Sweetheart and I get along really well now, and she’s so much happier too. She now has a rosy complexion; long, shiny black hair; and beautiful, glowing skin.

    When she feels worried, I tell her I am there for her, and she smiles. When she’s angry, I listen to what’s bothering her, and she relaxes.

    The most important thing is I give her attention when she wants it, and she thanks me and happily skips away to wherever she goes instead of torturing me. (I am assuming my mind has a virtual Starbucks where she hangs out, and it now offers coconut milk.)

    When you accept and love parts of yourself that you deem unacceptable, a strange thing happens. Those parts start working with you instead of against you.

    I don’t really look at anxiety the same way anymore. I look at it as an unbelievably creative imagination. (UCI is the medical term I give it.)

    If it’s used or channelled out of me through writing, I feel awesome, energized, and optimistic. If I don’t do anything with it, I catastrophize doom and gloom, feel exhausted, and see the worst in everything.

    I believe having UCI is a sign showing me my life calling, which is a career in story telling through writing and public speaking. I would never have figured this out unless I paid attention to the voice in my head.

    If you are currently struggling with UCI (aka anxiety), believe me, I understand how you feel and how dark things can get. But I also believe we are given certain traits or tests in life to teach us something and move us in a certain direction.

    Rather than seeing UCI as something that needs to be removed, think about the gifts it brings to your life and choose to see it differently.

    Now that I can see my anxiety as a gift, I know what I need to do to get back to inner peace, something I don’t think I’ve ever really been able to do.

    So go forth my friends, find the sweetheart of your mind, and listen to what she wants to tell you. You may be surprised at how cool and wise she really is…

    If that fails, watch Insurgent with your dog.

    Lonely girl image via Shutterstock

  • How Expectations Undermine Our Relationships and Happiness

    How Expectations Undermine Our Relationships and Happiness

    “I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.” ~Bruce Lee

    A few years ago, my husband was away from me for a few weeks, working in another town. It was summer, and we were living close to the beach at the time, so I often spent my Saturday nights walking along the ocean at sunset, enjoying the colors and sounds.

    One Saturday night I was in a simply glorious mood. The beach was filled with happy families and couples, the Atlantic was a particularly lovely shade of aquamarine, and life felt just about perfect.

    When I got back to my car I looked at my cell phone and saw that I had missed a call from my husband. I called him back and quickly realized his mood was not nearly as buoyant as my own: He wasn’t particularly chatty, and seemed pretty negative about the work he was doing.

    I took this extremely personally and turned cold and quiet almost immediately, eventually taking the very juvenile step of hanging up on him. How dare he ruin my perfect summer evening!?

    About ten minutes later, in the parking lot of a grocery store, I had a huge epiphany: He hadn’t ruined anything. It was all me, as my negative feelings were entirely created by my expectations of how he should have behaved.

    I had been anticipating that he would be in the same great mood I was, and when he wasn’t, I took it personally. I became upset that he wasn’t acting as I expected. I became angry because he wasn’t meeting the standards I had set.

    In other words, I was completely responsible for my deflated mood.

    This was the very first time I realized how having expectations of how other people should act was causing unnecessary pain and suffering in my life. Once I started looking around, though, I saw many other examples.

    For instance, I once had the expectation that a new acquaintance would quickly respond to my text and agree that she, too, had a nice time hanging out with me.

    When she didn’t, I ended up spending more than twenty-four hours wondering if she liked me, feeling pretty bad about myself. (She did eventually respond with a very nice text; she’s just a busy person who doesn’t respond to texts immediately!)

    I expected an automatic response, and not getting one undermined my happiness.

    Another example is the time I was seventeen and gave my dad a Father’s Day card I thought he’d find really funny, and he barely even responded to it at all.

    I had built up a vision of him having a really warm and amused reception to this card, and when there was almost zero reaction, I was crushed. Again, my expectations, and the beliefs about what it meant if they weren’t met, were causing pain.

    Before you think that I’m suggesting you lower your expectations of other people and never, ask anything of anyone, let me clarify a bit.

    Telling a friend about a tough situation at home and expecting you’ll get some words of wisdom is wonderful. Hoping the guy whose eye you’ve been trying to catch will smile at you today can be fun and rewarding.

    Hoping for the outcome you desire is one thing, trying to force it and being overrun with negative thoughts and feelings when it doesn’t work out is another.

    You can’t control the way people think, feel, or react. Ever. You may try to, you may want to, but ultimately, how they act is up to them.

    And when you base your feelings of happiness, worth, or confidence on the actions or reactions of other people, you’re setting yourself up for many moments (or days or even years) of avoidable misery.

    There are a few ways to keep hoping for positive interactions with other people, but not get sucked down into the mud and muck when they don’t go as you expect.

    1. Stop expecting other people to act exactly as you would like them to—it’s a game you’re guaranteed to lose. Instead, try being open to any and all reactions from others.

    If, on that gorgeous night back in 2012, I had opened my mind and heart to my husband with no preconceived notions of what his mood should be, my evening could have remained joyful and I may have even improved his evening, too.

    Back when I was seventeen, if I had realized that my dad’s lack of reaction had nothing to do with me, but was about his own problems with expressing emotions, I would have felt far less hurt. I couldn’t make him react the way I wanted, and assuming he would do what would make me happy led to a sad experience for me.

    2. Start building up your own happiness and confidence on something you do have power over: your thoughts and beliefs.

    When someone does the unexpected and it disappoints you, it’s always because you had a belief about what they were supposed to do.

    You believe that your mother should have been proud when you won the essay contest, and when she wasn’t, you were sad. If, on the other hand, you lean in to the truth that your mother can react however she wants to, but still believe you are a wonderful writer anyway, your pain won’t be so great.

    You believe your son should have gotten better grades, but when he brings home a poor report card, you feel angry and guilty. When you stop believing that your son’s grades are a reflection on you as a parent, and start believing that you’re doing the best you can and letting go of guilt, you suffer less.

    3. Stay in the moment as often as you can.

    Stay present with your thoughts, and see if you’re holding onto expectations of how other people should behave.

    It’s when you slip out of being in the now that you are truly disappointed. When this happens, you’re letting your thoughts and stories about what the other person should have done, or what will happen now because of this perceived slight, or why you deserve to be angry, take you out of the now and down a path that is full of rejection and fear.

    The bottom line is that you will not find peace if you’re always expecting other people to give it to you with their actions or words or even love. The only way to find it is to drop your expectations of others, let go of what you think they should or shouldn’t do, and allow yourself to create your own happiness.

  • What If Success Was Measured by How Well You’ve Loved?

    What If Success Was Measured by How Well You’ve Loved?

    Heart Hands

    “That man is a success who has lived well, laughed often and loved much.” ~Robert Louis Stevenson

    When I was a child, I learned a lot from my parents and other authority figures. I learned the difference between wrong and right, the value of hard work and perseverance, that one must not mistreat or use people, but be good.

    I learned about love too, for when my loved ones were happy, the same joy always came back to me.

    Making the difficult transition into adulthood, I picked up a whole lot of other things from whatever environment I managed to land in—from school, college, and my workplaces.

    I learned that I had to get a certain rank in class for my intelligence to be considered acceptable. I was questioned and cross questioned repeatedly on why some kid who lived in my building got a better rank than me. Why couldn’t I perform better?

    My future somehow seemed to be in peril due to my underperformance in math, geography, and languages, and my bad handwriting.

    So I learned to be competitive and strive harder. I also learned that no matter what I did, even if I performed better than my last result, it wasn’t good enough because some friend in class or someone in the colony or prior performance by my siblings was always better!

    Soon an epic thirst for ‘success’ kindled in me.

    I learned that success meant doing well in class—getting great marks, getting into a good college, getting epic marks there, as well (you cannot fall lower than a first class), getting an epic job. And it should be in an epic company (brand name) and pay well enough to sound epic and also allow me to spend and save well, to provide sufficiently whenever I find a partner, have kids etc.

    Makes sense, right?

    Oddly enough, I managed to do most of that—get good marks, get a good job in an epic company with an epic package, and make my parents proud.

    I seemed to be at the pinnacle of (my self-defined) success!

    Well, not quite.

    For one, I hated my epic job. The epic company that had hired me (thought they had bought my soul) put me in a department that was a far cry from what they had hired me for.

    They increased the pay of said department a few months down the line (there were many others stuck in the same mess as me). I guess it was supposed to compensate. I also had to move away from home, far from my loved ones.

    After much frustration and in a span of one year, I was packing my bags and returning home. I wasn’t ready to hand over all of my soul, after all!

    What happened after that is a long story best kept for another time. Let’s just say that I returned to what would be, compared to my peers, a relatively mediocre place, both in terms of position and finances.

    I was fast slipping off the success radar!

    Something else also started happening though. While I was busy wallowing in self-pity and licking my wounds, I became more reflective and perhaps, more observant.

    I noticed how happy I was to be with my family.

    With all the glorious dysfunctionality that existed within, of which I am an integral part, I realized that I love them to bits and pieces. I had always taken them for granted, and the time spent away is helping me to treasure the time I spend with them now.

    I discovered joy in little things.

    A neighborhood cat gave birth to a litter of kittens. The mere sight of those tiny babies evoked love and joy in me that I cannot put into words! It was pure bliss feeding them every day, checking on them, and playing with them.

    Most of the litter along with the mom cat dispersed. But two kittens, now nearly year old cats, still linger, and I look forward to going home every single day to feed and cuddle the furballs.

    I took a course in dancing.

    It was one thing I had loved as a child but that I simply wasn’t good at. While I struggled with it through the course, it was a liberating experience. It made me realize that we place a lot of shackles around ourselves as far as our capabilities are concerned.

    I questioned my ultimate ambition in life.

    Do I want to compromise on my health, happiness, and loved ones to achieve ‘success’ like everyone else around me seems to be doing? As a kid I had a lot of other dreams, and now I am revisiting them.

    I realized that in the success I had been chasing for so long, in the rat race that I am still running, there is little room for integrity.

    We are lying every day, be it to get a promotion, to get selected in an interview, or to aggressively sell a product. We are lying so much that it has become part of the fabric we’re made of.

    I realized that power and success as I knew it did not teach love.

    I noticed that people in prominent positions around me were not necessarily using their power with kindness. I have seen people in power abuse those below them, aggressively push them to overwork, look down upon them, and invoke bitterness in them. And I have also seen such behavior being hailed as the hallmark of a performer who could get the job done.

    I realized that it was my responsibility to learn to become a better human being.

    Whether or not I learned to become successful in practical, worldly terms.

    I am not saying I have risen above any of this, only that I am better aware of what I’m doing these days and I reflect on the kind of choices I want to make for the road ahead.

    Just think about it—what if success was measured by how well you’ve loved instead of what you’ve earned or how many people know you?

    What if success was actually how much you’ve loved life itself, filling it with love and giving even more love? And not necessarily what you are wearing, the places you’ve been to, or the phones, cars, and yachts you’ve owned?

    What if success was measured by how much joy you’ve brought to the table and how much better or worse you left the place than when you arrived?

    What if success was measured by how kindly and sincerely you’ve treated those around you?

    What if you actually got negative points every time you treated someone meanly or unfairly or judged someone or looked down on someone?

    How would your success graph look in that case? Would you need to put in more effort to make it better?

    I know I would be in the red.

    These days I make it a point to not take for granted all that I have been blessed with.

    Things like a stable home, concerned parents who love me and care for me in spite of some tremendous difficulties and conflicts, a great education including a post grad degree, loving reassurance whenever I feel I’m not doing well in life, freedom to live life on my own terms. Two cats who let me feed them and give some reluctant hugs for the same—all this and more!

    These days, I have also come to notice many who are working out of love, giving freely, who are true blessings, making this world a better place, in whatever small ways that they are. Quite possibly, you are one of them!

    I’ve learned that one can always appreciate what one has instead of clamoring for more of everything; it’s a good way to feel content. Yes, there are things to be achieved and they will be achieved in due time. Yes, I still lie as much as I am required to and I need a do a lot of work there.

    I accept that I still don’t know exactly where I am headed in life, and that’s okay. I prefer to call it figuring it out instead of failing.

    At the very least, I know that I am editing my definition of success. I am learning a whole new definition in fact, bit by bit, every day!

    Heart hands image via Shutterstock

  • 4 Positive Lessons from the Betrayal of Infedelity

    4 Positive Lessons from the Betrayal of Infedelity

    New Beginning

    “Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” ~C.S. Lewis

    My eyes leapt open sometime after 2am and, after feeling the empty space next to me, I knew.

    The cell phone I laid on the pillow beside my head was silent, my previous text messages left unanswered. Panic swelled in my throat as I frantically dialed his number, calls separated by no more than thirty seconds.

    Checking phone logs and driving past houses at night had never been something I pictured myself doing. So, when I reached for my keys, believing I needed to confirm he was where he told me he would be, I knew the relationship was coming to a heartbreaking close.

    Some three years after this particular relationship ended, I look back on that girl—someone I am disconnected from now—and feel a deep and profound sense of sadness. The desperation and overwhelming devastation I experienced at this time was so intense, it’s hard to think of myself capable of such a heavy fall into darkness.

    Thankfully, I never asked for the full and honest truth about the cheating. The relationship was over for so many more reasons than these incidences, and I loved and honored myself too much to get lost in the minutia—especially when I was grappling with the loss of an eight-year love.

    Now, when I run across kernels of truth from that time, I recognize the profound lessons that come from experiencing this type of betrayal in a relationship. In a very strange way, it was one of the best things that could have ever happened to me.

    It prompted the end of a toxic relationship I would have never left on my own.

    Sometimes we’re convinced that if we just hold on a little tighter, relationships that we should be releasing will suddenly become right and whole again. But if two people are supposed to part ways, no amount of pushing will change their course.

    Because I was so attached to what I had always known and terrified at the thought of starting over, I would not have willingly left this relationship on my own. Suffering seemed far better than facing the unknown. Luckily, this turn of events meant the decision was made for me.

    The life I managed to create afterward was far more beautiful than the muck I convinced myself I was okay residing in.

    It taught me the art of directing anger and upset at the person that really deserves it.

    A million different people could have taken on the role of the “other woman.” As far as I’m concerned, who she was is really inconsequential. I did not share a life nor have an agreement of faithfulness with her—only him.

    Their relationship stemmed from a whole host of incompatibilities and glaring issues that were festering under the surface of what we created together. It was a symptom of a larger issue, and if he hadn’t of been with her, he would have been with someone else.

    She could not be the sole cause of our relationship ending when the heart of the relationship belonged to him and I.

    For some reason, unbeknownst to me, their paths were meant to cross at that time, in that way. Directing anger at her as a facilitator in the demise of a relationship that needed to end is, and will always be, fruitless.

    It taught me to disconnect my self-worth from the actions of others.

    I am and always have been enough, and the actions of someone I love are not a physical representation of my failings.

    This realization was not something I came to immediately after the end of my relationship but in the period that followed—after spending time healing alone and, eventually, after rejoining the dating world.

    All of us are on our own, very separate journey. Even if we come together with a partner for a window of time, we all have experiences and life lessons we must endure alone. While I needed to learn independence and forgiveness, there were things he needed to learn—things I won’t pretend to know.

    In the past I have caused loved ones pain and I know that, each time, it was never a result of their shortcomings. My actions were directly connected to how I was feeling or thinking at the time. In turn, I know this incident wasn’t a culmination of my failings or a representation of something I was lacking.

    If anything, it was a series of events that were meant to transpire for reasons I am still uncovering today.

    It convinced me the greatest beauty is born from letting go.

    I have always been incredibly apprehensive at the mere mention of letting something go. The fear stems from the idea that after letting go, I may never be able to find anything quite like that again.

    Often times, this is true.

    I never did find another relationship like that again—I found something far more loving, supportive, honest, and true. Something I would have never been able to imagine for myself because my frame of reference was so tied to this relationship I had known for so long.

    If I hadn’t been forced to create space and endure the periods of loneliness that followed, I wouldn’t have been prepared to accept this new relationship into my life.

    We usually can’t see a clear picture of what will transpire if we agree to release something from our lives, but that’s often because we must endure a period of growth in between—something that makes us ready and willing to bring it into our experience.

    Through this heartbreaking experience I learned that letting go is the spark that allows so many great things to transpire.

    New beginning image via Shutterstock

  • Why We Need to Share Our Honest Feelings

    Why We Need to Share Our Honest Feelings

    Sealed Lips

    “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” ~Nelson Mandela

    She hurt my feelings. She was leaving soon to live in another country for up to six months. I knew that if I held on to my hurt, this resentment would fester, and my best friend would be the recipient of my anger.

    I prayed for courage to find the right words. I didn’t want to hurt her. I knew I had to say something or I would allow my hurt to manifest into something huge.

    The courage came, and I acted immediately. I dialed; my heart pounded. I was so afraid.

    She answered. The lump in my throat made me silent. I began to weep.

    I gently uttered, “I’m calling to tell you that you hurt my feelings. When you didn’t show up for my big event, with no phone call, no communication, it hurt my feelings. When I asked for your opinions on my new gig, you didn’t respond. It hurt my feelings.”

    I stopped and let the silence set it in. Within a few seconds she responded.

    “That was the bravest thing I have ever heard you do. That took so much courage. I’m sorry. I’ve been self-absorbed.” And the story went on.

    She ended by saying that she, too, has been seeking to speak her truth, and that I had just provided the greatest example of how to do it gently and with kindness.

    The woman I called is one of my best friends from childhood. Believe it or not, making that phone call was one of the hardest things I’ve done in my new way of living. I’m a recovering alcoholic, and I’m learning how to feel and how to communicate.

    I spent my first forty-plus years sugarcoating my life and my feelings—putting a beautiful spin on everything and avoiding controversy at all costs. But that didn’t work, and the ultimate cost was I almost lost my life to alcoholism.

    Growing up in a dysfunctional and alcoholic home, I developed the ability to shine things up at an early age. I spit polished every word that came out of my mouth.

    I painted a thick coat of pretty on every fear that besieged me. When asked how I was doing, the simple “fine” or “great” would ward off further inquisition.

    There was a lot at home to worry about back then, but I believed that worry was for the weak and that I was stronger than worry, so I locked it in a steel-cased compartment deep inside of me and threw away the key. Things were just fine.

    And I did not even acknowledge anger. I can’t tell you where or how to access the anger that has burned slowly within me for decades because I have never given it a voice.

    “Aren’t you angry?” a therapist would ask me on occasion. With a genuine and convincing smile on my face, I would nod no. I didn’t feel angry, but the truth is that I really didn’t feel anything.

    I learned at an early age that it was just easier to get along in this world by placating everyone. I didn’t realize that while I was overly concerned about not hurting others with the truth, I was sacrificing my soul.

    I know now that I was an incredible liar. I lied all of the time and to everyone. And while a lie about how I was feeling may have seemed insignificant, it wasn’t. Those lies were the most powerful and did the most damage to my psyche. They continued to reaffirm the idea that I did not matter.

    I had my first drink at thirteen. I was a blackout drinker from the start, and alcohol let me escape from my fraudulent life.

    I was a high-functioning alcoholic for many years achieving much success in my career and personal life despite my drinking patterns. I could mold the veneer of my life into whatever I thought would earn society’s approval.

    After years of heavy drinking, I was graced with the gift of sobriety at forty-four. Let me tell you, getting sober is like growing up all over again, and it’s a rollercoaster of a ride. There are many days when I simply feel like a little kid, paralyzed by fear, overcome with sadness, or gleefully happy.

    One of the many gifts of sobriety has been discovering my true self and creating new habits and patterns for living.

    Over the course of my journey, I’ve regularly struggled with two issues—faith and honesty. I will leave faith for another post, but learning how to be emotionally honest with myself has been a brutal and slow process.

    Like peeling away the skin of an onion, I find that I have to peel away my old habits and walls that I have in place to shield me from the truth. Every time I think I have it mastered, another opportunity arises that challenges my commitment. I find I actually have to practice being honest with myself.

    A good friend of mine who has helped guide me in this new way of life constantly reminds me to pray for and meditate about courage. During my first summer of sobriety, I did this constantly.

    I’ve had some hard conversations. Actually, the terrifying part was imagining how those discussions would unfold, but in reality, they weren’t that difficult. And, I found that people tend to admire and respect someone who can be completely honest.

    These are the steps I take when I face emotional honesty. It’s a simple process.

    • Identify and connect with my emotions.
    • Identify my part in the situation.
    • Pray for the courage to speak honestly, with kindness and authenticity.
    • When courage hits me, act immediately.

    For those who don’t believe in a higher power, meditating on courage will help them find the strength within to be emotionally honest and tell the truth to themselves and others.

    We may think that it’s easy to tell a little white lie to save someone else’s feelings, but is it? Wouldn’t it be easier to just tell the truth?

    It’s funny, but I relish the opportunity to practice honesty now. And, it is becoming more of a natural way of life for me. If I feel overwhelmed by the truth I have to share, I begin praying for courage immediately.

    I also have learned to speak with compassion and without hate or anger.

    When I told my friend that she had hurt my feelings, I was overcome with relief, as well as a feeling of gratefulness for her friendship. By speaking up, it allowed us to grow closer, but I had taken a stand for me first; I had demonstrated to both of us that I matter.

    Each day we are given a precious gift—the gift is that day. What we do with it is up to us. I choose on this day to be authentic to the world. It’s all I can be. It’s freeing just being me. I choose to remain vulnerable by speaking my truth and sprinkling love wherever I go.

    When we learn to speak our truth, we become courageous, we value ourselves, we shine our light from within, we become worthy, and we feel, share, and connect on a more intimate level. We can inspire honesty in others.

    Sealed lips image via Shutterstock

  • A Simple Way to Light Up Your Life with Meaning, Love, and Joy

    A Simple Way to Light Up Your Life with Meaning, Love, and Joy

    LOVE

    “Love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire.” ~Viktor Frankl

    Picture this: it was 3am but I couldn’t fall asleep. I had little to complain about, except a feeling that life seemed to be passing me by.

    My father had died abruptly some years earlier, my mother had come through a major operation, our children were growing increasingly independent, and our marriage was strong.

    Work was admittedly a bit stressful, and colleagues were less helpful than they might have been. But I ate a healthy diet, exercised, maintained a reasonable work-life balance, and did most of the “right” things. Still, despite my healthy habits, something was lacking.

    Fast forward to Boxing Day 2004: TV channels were full of the Indian Ocean tsunami. Something told me, as a doctor and scientist, to drop whatever I was doing and fly to Tamil Nadu in India. I arrived in Nagapattinam town to find large fishing boats lying in the middle of the street.

    The tsunami waves had flung huge boats around as if they were small toys. Entire fishing villages had completely vanished. The lightly constructed mud and leaf homes had been washed away as if they were matchboxes.

    Now thousands of homeless people were crowded into school buildings and makeshift tent villages. Many had no access to proper sanitation or drinking water. People who had lost loved ones were walking around in a daze.

    People crowded around me with tragic stories.

    One woman described how she lost both her children, and how she couldn’t have more, because she’d undergone a family planning operation. Another described how her infant had been passed from hand to hand as people ran from the waves. Her infant survived, but her toddler had been swallowed by the huge waves.

    I was not there when the tsunami struck, but I could easily have been lazing on that beach. I remember thinking how fragile life is. Even without a natural disaster, you or I could be in a fatal traffic accident today or tomorrow.

    Over the next fortnight I experienced involuntary fasts between huge vegetarian meals, over-work, exhaustion, mild diarrhoea, and dehydration, but this fortnight transformed me.

    Thousands of volunteers of all ages and backgrounds had converged on the tsunami-hit area. People in Muslim skull caps rubbed shoulders with Hindu monks in saffron robes and international volunteers.

    Everyone was pulling together, helping the local government officials. It was as if each of us was playing our own instrument in a symphony.

    We were like an army of love, driven to make a difference.

    My role was to set up a disease surveillance system and train local staff to operate it.

    Would there be outbreaks of disease in the relief camps? Would bereaved people succumb to disease? Would our surveillance system catch outbreaks in time to prevent epidemics?

    Nothing was certain, but we powered ahead. I felt calm yet energised, carried along by the warmth of newly made friends. There was no opportunity to maintain my healthy habits, but I felt more alive than ever.

    I felt carried along on a wave of love as we all pulled together in our common cause. Every little chore became lit up by purpose and meaning. That’s when I realized the wisdom of the saying: Stop asking what life can give you, start asking what you can give life.

    When life feels like a meaningless treadmill, you might lie awake at 3am and ponder the emptiness of it all. However, within you is a tiger that is merely sleeping, waiting to be unleashed in the pursuit of one or more great causes.

    I now still maintain healthy habits. But those worthwhile rituals are not sufficient to infuse life with meaning and passion. More is needed.

    Imagine flowing through life in the company of friends, all attracted by a shared vision of a better world, infused with love for others, pulling together to make a positive vision come true.

    Start giving and contributing of your best self, for the sheer joy of giving. That’s how you can become a calm achiever, tolerant of uncertainty, energized by meaning.

    It will seep into all areas of your life and make you more self-assured, more fired up, more attractive. Think of it as a channel for the great love which is within you.

    If you get paid for doing what you would choose to do anyhow, celebrate! If not, can you find some parts of your job that you would do even without pay, some angle perhaps that transforms life for others?

    If not, there’s still plenty of opportunity.

    You could identify a cause that you passionately believe in. You could take the first step by joining a local group or starting one. Look online, or in your local paper, for groups that meet near you; and start making a little time each week, or month, to nourish this heroic, passionate part of you.

    You could also write to your elected representatives to urge support for your cherished causes. Your taxes are spent on a variety of things that aren’t always dear to you. Influencing how public funds are spent can bring powerful support for causes you believe in.

    So, how well did our surveillance system work? Not a single life was lost to infectious diseases in the weeks following the tsunami.

    The whole experience felt like the sun of meaning breaking through the clouds of habit in my life. Now when I die, I would like my life to be measured by how much love I expressed through my life.

    Focus on contributing and transforming the lives of others, and your own life will light up with meaning, love, and joy. You’ll become a calmer achiever, better able to bear the stresses, difficulties, and setbacks that life often brings.

    The best time to start living like this was long ago. The next best time to start is now.

    Love image via Shutterstock

  • 7 Things Your Inner Child Needs to Hear You Say

    7 Things Your Inner Child Needs to Hear You Say

    Sad Child

    “Stop trying to ‘fix’ yourself; you’re not broken! You are perfectly imperfect and powerful beyond measure.” ~Steve Maraboli

    Have you ever thought about why you can’t move forward? Have you wondered why you sabotage yourself? Have you ever questioned why you so easily feel anxious, depressed, and self-critical?

    Inside each of us there’s an inner child that was once wounded.

    To avoid the pain, we’ve tried to ignore that child, but s/he never goes away. Our inner child lives in our unconscious mind and influences how we make choices, respond to challenges, and live our lives.

    My mum left me when I was six. I didn’t see her again until I was fourteen.

    I don’t remember ever missing her. I told myself it was a good thing that she left, because no one was beating me anymore.

    But now I had to prove myself to make my dad proud. He was all I had.

    So I was one of the popular kids at school. I got good grades. I went to a top university to get a commerce degree and was hired into a big bank’s graduate program before I even graduated.

    I worked for years in the finance industry, writing corporate lending deals, meeting clients, and selling derivatives trading tools. But I saw firsthand and up close how that was destroying people’s wealth and lives.

    It didn’t align with my values. I felt like a zombie, taking the transit every day back and forth, living like a fraud.

    But what else could I do? I had always believed that getting into finance was the way to success, and the wounded child within me was afraid of failing and disappointing my dad.

    Then, on my twenty-ninth birthday, I stumbled upon an online art course and discovered my passion. But ditching finance to pursue the life of an artist wasn’t easy for me.

    My dad was disappointed and angry, and he tried to change my mind. Now I understand that he was afraid for me. But at the time I was angry with him for not supporting me because deep down I was scared that he would no longer love me.

    I knew then, to have the courage and strength to continue down the road less traveled, I had to heal my fearful, wounded inner child.

    If you too feel lost, lonely, small, and afraid of losing love and acceptance, you may also benefit from healing the inner child who once felt insecure and not good enough. Saying these things to yourself is a good start.

    Say These 7 Things to Heal and Nurture Your Inner Child

    1. I love you.

    As children, a lot of us believed that we needed to accomplish goals—get good grades, make the team, fill our older siblings’ footsteps—to be lovable.

    We may not have had parents who told us we deserved love, no matter what we achieved. Some of us may have had parents who considered showing love and tenderness to be a sign of weakness. But we can tell ourselves that we are loveable now.

    Say it whenever you see yourself in the mirror. Say it in any random moments. Love is the key to healing, so give it to yourself.

    2. I hear you.

    Oftentimes when we feel hurt, we push down our feelings and try to act strong. For a lot of us, this stems from childhood, when we frequently heard, “Quit your crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.”

    But those feelings don’t just go away. They fester inside of us, affecting the choices we make as adults until we make the conscious effort to hear them.

    I never acknowledged that I felt abandoned when my mum left, but I did, and I carried that into my adult relationships. To heal, I had to acknowledge how her leaving affected me. I had to give a voice to all the pain I stuffed down back then.

    Instead of suppressing the voice of your inner child, say, “I hear you. We’ll work through it. It’s going to be okay.”

    3. You didn’t deserve this.

    As children, many of us assumed that we deserved to be abused, shamed, or abandoned. We told ourselves that we were a bad kid, that we did something wrong.

    But that’s simply not true. In many cases, the people who wounded us simply didn’t know any other way. Perhaps my mum was beaten as a child, so it was the only way she knew how to parent her daughter.

    A child is innocent and pure. A child does not deserve to be abused, shamed, or abandoned. It’s not the child’s fault, and though we may not have had the capacity to understand this then, now, as adults, we do.

    4. I’m sorry.

    I’ve always been an overachiever. I considered slowing down a sign of weakness.

    Not too long ago, I was constantly stressed about not doing enough. I couldn’t enjoy time with my kids because I’d be thinking about work.

    One day it dawned on me that since I was a child I’d been pushing myself too hard. I never cut myself any slack. I would criticize myself if I simply wanted to rest. So I told my inner child I was sorry.

    She didn’t deserve to be pushed so hard, and I don’t deserve it now as an adult either.

    I’ve since allowed myself a lot more downtime, and my relationships with my loved ones have improved as a result.

    5. I forgive you.

    One of the quickest ways to destroy ourselves is to hold on to shame and regret.

    The first night my mum returned home when I was fourteen, she asked to sleep with me. We only had two beds at that time, one for me and one for my dad. I couldn’t fall asleep, and I kept rolling around. Then all of a sudden, my mum blurted out, “Stop moving, you *sshole!”

    The next day, I put a sign on my door that read “No Unauthorized Entry” to prevent her from coming in. My mum left again. Then, a few days after, my dad told me that they were getting a divorce (after being separated for eight years).

    I thought it was my fault. Why did I have to roll around and so childishly put up a sign?

    But now I know that their divorce wasn’t my fault. And I forgive myself for anything I could have done better. I was only a kid, and like everyone, I was and am human and imperfect.

    6. Thank you.

    Thank your inner child for never giving up, for getting through the tough moments in life together with you with strength and perseverance.

    Thank your inner child for trying to protect you, even if her way was holding on to painful memories.

    Your inner child doesn’t deserve your judgment. S/he deserves your gratitude and respect.

    7. You did your best.

    As a child, I always tried to outperform, to overachieve, to meet someone else’s standard, to be “perfect.”

    I was always demanding and cruel to myself, and no matter how well I did, I never felt it was good enough.

    But I did the best I could at the time, and you did too. We’re still doing the best we can, and we deserve credit for that.

    When we let go of perfection, the fear of failure recedes. Then we can allow ourselves to experiment and see how things unfold.

    —

    I started saying these things to my inner child as I was recovering from depression. They’ve helped me experience more love, joy, and peace. They’ve helped me become more confident and compassionate.

    My social worker, who first came to work with me after a self-cutting incident, recently asked me how I got to be so content and happy.

    It started from acknowledging, accepting, and beginning the ongoing process of re-parenting my inner child.

    What is the one thing you most want to say to your inner child today?

    Sad child image via Shutterstock

  • 7 Vital Choices for Happy Relationships

    7 Vital Choices for Happy Relationships

    Happy Couple Jumping

    “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” ~Lao Tzu

    A little over a decade ago I thought I was going to marry my college sweetheart and become a young bride, which made it all the more devastating when happily ever after didn’t pan out. When we broke up, I felt literally like I lost a limb, complete with phantom sensations of his hand in mine.

    It didn’t take long for a dark guilt to bubble up—a constant festering reminder of all the mistakes I’d made. I was highly unstable and insecure back then, and most of my relationships revolved around holding me up.

    In the ruins of that romance, I didn’t know what scared me more—that someone else might hurt me again, or that I might hurt them enough first to deserve it.

    I simultaneously felt an aching need to fill in the hole where he’d been and an overwhelming sense of nausea at the thought of being with someone else. (more…)

  • 21 Tips to Release Self-Neglect and Love Yourself in Action

    21 Tips to Release Self-Neglect and Love Yourself in Action

    “To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    The most important decision of your life, the one that will affect every other decision you make, is the commitment to love and accept yourself. It directly affects the quality of your relationships, your work, your free time, your faith, and your future.

    Why, then, is this so difficult to do?

    Your Family of Origin

    I grew up with nine siblings. I had two older brothers, three older sisters, three younger sisters, and a younger brother.

    I never fit in. My sisters were tall and thin with beautiful, long, lush hair. By eleven years old, I was short and very curvy. My hair was fine, thin, and wild.

    For the most part, my siblings did as they were told. I was outspoken, out of control, and rebellious.

    I wore my sister’s hand-me-down school uniforms. I rolled up the hems on the skirts and popped buttons on the blouses. My look was unkempt.

    I was teased and bullied at home and at school. Yet I didn’t go quietly into the night. I fought for my place in my family. To protect myself, I developed a good punch and grew a sharp tongue. (more…)

  • Overcoming Family Rejection & Finding Strength in Pain

    Overcoming Family Rejection & Finding Strength in Pain

    Man Finding Strength

    “I don’t like being too looked up at or too looked down on. I prefer meeting in the middle to being worshipped or spat out.” ~Joni Mitchell

    Growing up, there were two sides of the kitchen table. On side A, there was my lieutenant colonel of the US Army, hardcore conservative, Wall Street trader of a father who used the word “faggot” while passing the salt.

    On side B, there was little ole me, who was pretty sure that I was that word my father so vehemently used.

    I thought Barbies were a fun toy (Malibu Barbie was my favorite, obviously) and at twelve years old, I got that funny feeling inside when I first laid eyes on Mark Wahlberg in his now infamous Calvin Klein ads. (Thanks for the memories, Markie Mark!)

    So there I was on side B, always feeling as if my side was less than. How many of us have been there before?

    I could never understand the larger than life, imposing, All-American man across from me, whose emotional unavailability and anger kept me at bay. But I tried, and tried, and tried.

    It was as if there was always some sort of divide between the two of us, and no matter how desperately I wanted to close the gap, I couldn’t jump it. There was no safety net in our relationship, and so as I got older, it was one of the many reasons I went down a dangerous path.

    Sure, the fear of my father that was ingrained in me was a catalyst for shame, feelings of unworthiness, and an inability to express who I was within the world.

    It was also the black hole that I learned to fill with perseverance, self-respect, and authenticity, and for that I now see its purpose with gratitude.

    When I hit rock bottom at twenty-five years old after years of drug, alcohol, and sex abuse, all roads led to the forgiveness of my father—and myself.

    I thought back to his absence in my life. All of the athletic accomplishments that he overlooked, meanwhile celebrating my older brother’s football success. All of the dating conversations we never had, and all the times he could never say “I love you.”

    I let those memories burn, and braced myself as the ashes dissipated in the air of my past. Though the immense pain, I cried as I waved goodbye.

    I waved goodbye to the day when I came out of the closet at nineteen years old, and my dad replied that it was “his fault” since he has a gay cousin. I waved goodbye to his belief that there was something wrong with him for “passing along the gay gene.”

    I parted with the memory that every time I brought good news, he could never celebrate it with me, as if it wasn’t good enough. I let go of the belief that I was never good enough.

    With everything I waved arrivederci to, I waved hello and embraced all that I had become and am.

    I welcomed the realization that it doesn’t matter if anyone else deems us worthy, so long as we accept ourselves.

    I hallelujahed the knowledge that I was my father’s son, and his gift for his own self-growth; and if he simply was not willing to receive that gift at the time, this was not my fault.

    It was not his fault either, as every person is doing the best they can at their own personal level of awareness. I could let go of all blame.

    I could just be me, and let him be him, and live with the hope that one day, he and I could become an “Us.”

    Within the larger story of Us, I see that our diversity is to be celebrated, and is the one thing that we all are able to appreciate in this often chaotic and messy world.

    Our uniqueness is unique to us, and is a gift. I learned to be grateful for that. The great thing about gratitude is that it is a predecessor for forgiveness.

    Once I was able to forgive my dad, I was able to see him differently. As I healed myself, my comfort around him healed us.

    When I was freshly twenty-eight years old, I was going through a crippling yet transformative break-up, and on Father’s Day, I needed him.

    I never spoke about men to my father, but I knew this was the moment. I packed my bags and blurry eyes in NYC and drove west to my parents’, where my dad was waiting for me.

    There, in the den with the TV off, through the tension, I cried, opening up about how much I loved this particular man and how much I was hurting.

    I admitted that I had started drinking again; that I felt deeply lost, that I needed help. That I needed my dad.

    “You’re too nice of a person to let people do that to you” was his simple console. In its simplicity, it was enough. I was enough, and so was he.

    The chasm got smaller; the separation united. I had jumped the gap and made it safely to the other side.

    Nowadays, there’s a flow where the river was once damned. We talk more than ever; about how smart Peter Thiel is, or how the stock market is doing, and I also share personal stories with him. I share my authentic self.

    Sometimes he just sits there and nods, and in his big blue eyes, I am given a world of quiet contentment. I no longer am looking to be anywhere but there when I am with him.

    Our relationship makes me realize that if we could all have open and honest conversations with one another, we would be able to realize that we are all similar underneath our differences; that there is never a reason to create a divide between.

    Of course, it takes two, and if the other person won’t meet us halfway, we can end up feeling divided in ourselves. If that happens, remember that you are wonderfully you for a higher reason.

    You are uniquely you and meant to find those whom support you for all that you are. As you are, exactly who you are, there are others who were put here to simply support that person.

    As an individual footprint in the paved path of the Universe, your mission is to be unapologetically who you are made to be. No one can step in your way if you are living a life of pure authenticity and self-respect, not even an unaccepting family member.

    Remember that others’ negativity is a projection of their own pain—and have compassion for them.

    How we feel about others is a direct mirror for how we feel about ourselves, and as someone who has experienced a lot of self-shame, I have seen the danger of taking my frustrations out on others and making it their fault.

    Any sort of judgment stems from self-judgment, so the more another person irks us, the more we need to question what irks us about ourselves.

    It’s important for us to remember that compassion can melt every boundary of anger and hurt.

    Family contention can often be an opportunity to let go of self-blame and find forgiveness in spots that were once hidden to us, if we allow it to be.

    It is often the stepping stone to massive healing if we are brave enough to take the jump. There is a reason why we go through everything.

    Lastly, remember that you are allowed to hurt.

    Some days, it’s important to let your heart bleed. Pain often connects us to our strength, so let it burn with faith that things are only getting better from here.

    They really are.

    The greatest part of my story is that when my father and I are at the dinner table now, there are no sides any longer; there is just one beautifully imperfect, real human relationship.

    There is acceptance, and there is love. I know this not only because he is able to tell me so these days, but because I feel it within myself.

    My relationship with my father gives me hope. It gives me strength. It gives me the belief that one day, between Side A and Side B, we’ll all be able to meet somewhere in the middle.

    Man finding strength image via Shutterstock

  • Turn Your Envy into Inspiration and Cultivate Your Own Joy

    Turn Your Envy into Inspiration and Cultivate Your Own Joy

    Jumping Woman Image

    “Envy is the art of counting the other fellow’s blessings instead of your own.” ~Harold Coffin

    What happens when your neighbor upgrades to a mansion leaving your house in its shadow?

    What do you do when your friend’s business is expanding while you’re living paycheck to paycheck?

    How do you view the blissful couple next-door, seemingly in a never-ending honeymoon phase, while the strife in your household could be cut with a knife?

    Although we are each walking our own journey, as social creatures we tend to compare ourselves to others.  This habit may start in the classroom at a young age—“Look how nicely Johnny is sitting; why can’t you behave more like that?”

    Facebook is the real-time reality show of nearly every one we know. We have friends posting their kids’ achievements, doting anniversary love notes to their spouse, and pictures from exotic summer vacations. We are getting a sneak peek into the lives of others and concomitantly thinking about our own.

    While these comparisons can be a slippery slope leading us down the rabbit hole of “never enough,” we can also use this tendency to our advantage.

    When Difficult Emotions Happen to Good People

    Oftentimes, when a moment of envy emerges we push it aside, deny it, or fall into the pit and drown in it. Is there any other choice?

    A good friend was telling me about the lavish interior-decorating project under way for her brand new, sparkling apartment. I remember feeling a sincere desire to be happy for her. But as much as I tried to evade the truth, I was envious.

    Taking a deep breath and a moment of reflection, I nurtured those feelings inside me. I wasn’t envious because I’m a bad person or secretly wished for the demise of my friend. I was hurting because I was unknowingly aching for a beautifully designed home to call my own.

    Compassion and love toward myself was the antidote; I decided to spend the next few months creating a home that brought me joy.

    In order to achieve greatness we must utilize both our positive inclinations and our negative inclinations for our own benefit.

    Here is how envy can be both helpful and healing:

    You see our friends’, neighbors’, or colleagues’ good success and feel a pang. Question that emotion. What is leading you to feel that way?

    If my colleague got the promotion and I didn’t, perhaps I can take an internal audit and determine in what ways I can be a better employee. On the other hand, I may not even be in a profession that is suited to my personality.

    About eight years ago, I traveled around Israel and Thailand for nine weeks. I remember sensing that one of my best friends was feeling a tad envious of my voyage around the globe.

    Can a relationship tolerate a certain degree of envy? Yes, as long as we channel it in the right direction.

    A year later, she went on her own trek to visit her brother, who was teaching English in Cambodia at the time. Rather than sinking into her own envy, she channeled it to propel her life and actualize her dreams.

    As long as we realize that we do not need to burst someone else’s bubble but instead can cultivate our own joy, we are able to utilize any emotion to our benefit.

    When other people achieve a goal or a certain level of success, envy is not about wanting to take that away from the other person. Rather, if we learn to honor our emotions, we can discover hidden treasures within ourselves.

    We can rediscover new passions and dreams that have gone neglected. We can become aware that we unconsciously seek a better relationship with our spouse or kids. We may realize that we have a desire to be a leader in the community.

    Instead of focusing on the other person, we can look inward, set our goals, and get to work. The question then becomes, how badly do we want it? How hard are we willing to work for our lives?

    Even if we don’t reach our goal, when we do everything within our ability with the cards we are dealt that is the truest measure of success, regardless of the results.

    Maybe We Have Exactly What We Need

    It also helps to consider that maybe we have exactly what we need.

    Consider a seed planted in the earth. Mother nature places that seedling in dirt, sometimes in harsh terrain and inclement weather. Beneath the surface, the seed must break, rip, and tear open in order to fulfill its purpose.

    How do we know what the universe is sending our way in order to rip open our unique potential? With this in mind, there is no longer a need to compare. Each seed is given the nutrients it needs in order to grow.

    Happiness Magnified

    There is the common saying, that nobody’s life is perfect. Another person’s situation may look good from the outside but there is always something beneath the surface, a challenge that we don’t know about, or a skeleton in the closet.

    Yes, each person does face his or her unique set of challenges, but that way of thinking always rubbed me the wrong way. This belief almost lends itself to wishing challenges on another person. I believe we can do better than that.

    We can elevate our thinking to realize that success and positivity in the lives of those around us only leads to a cycle of happiness in our own lives. When we can truly rejoice at our friend’s wedding, our family members’ success, or at another’s accolades, then the happiness we feel is only magnified.

    When we live in a way so that other people’s joy only adds to our own, how much happier can our lives get?

    We may not be married, but isn’t it inspiring to know that such true love is possible?

    We may feel stuck in our own job, but isn’t it motivating to see someone else take a risk and go after his or her dream job?

    Perhaps we didn’t have the best relationship with our own parents, but doesn’t it strengthen your faith to know that incredible parental bonds still exist?

    We easily feel empathy when a loved one is going through a challenge. Now is the time to feel the joy of others. By doing so, we create a circle of light in our own lives and increase our own happiness.

    By changing our filter, our thoughts, our own abundance is increased exponentially. We can use every single emotion in our tool chest for the betterment (not embitterment) of our own lives.

    Jumping woman image via Shutterstock

  • Are You Settling for Less Than You Deserve in Your Relationship?

    Are You Settling for Less Than You Deserve in Your Relationship?

    Couple Facing Each Other

    “When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” ~Alexander Graham Bell

    It was around six years ago that I faced the moment of truth. I was sitting on my meditation pillow, having spent the last few moments in deep contemplation about my current state of affairs. I was satisfied with practically every area of my life except for the one that meant the most to me—my love life.

    About five months prior, my relationship with my boyfriend of almost four years (who I had been certain was “the one”) had ended. Why? Well, let’s just say that we discovered that we wanted different things at the moment. I wanted the walk down the aisle and white picket fence, while he wanted to continue life as a single person (and all that entailed, to put it as delicately as I can).

    Actually, to say the relationship had ended isn’t exactly true. Although we had supposedly “broken up,” we were still in contact with one another. Quite a bit.

    In my desire to be a mature, spiritual, well-adjusted woman, I had decided that maintaining a friendship was the “adult” thing to do. After all, it’s not like I hated the guy—at some point I had actually thought he was “the one.” Why couldn’t we be friends?

    That five-month “friendship” actually turned into five months of emotional turmoil for me, since the “benefits” weren’t as beneficial as I’d hoped they’d be.

    At times I found myself hating him. At other times, I wished that we had never broken up. At times I felt jealous when I found out that he had gone on a date. Then, I would feel like I was being immature for being jealous because I felt like I should have been “bigger” than that. At times I wanted nothing to do with him. At other times, I stalked his Facebook page.

    Still, during this “friendship” period, I couldn’t help but to have the feeling in the pit of my stomach that while he was having his cake and eating it too, I was left with crumbs. (And I’m gluten-sensitive, so cake crumbs are totally not good for me).

    I was taking what I could get because I didn’t know whether I would find another relationship again.

    Finally, that day on my meditation pillow, after months of tears, self-reflection, and praying for my ideal relationship, I had a huge “aha” moment.

    There I was, hoping for the relationship of my dreams, yet at the same time, I was keeping myself anchored to the past. How could I possibly get myself in the mindset of meeting someone new who shared my life goals, when I was spending far too much energy clinging to something that was simply not what I wanted?

    So, I listened to my gut and cut it off.

    I told him that while he would always hold a special place in my heart, I had to let him go fully.

    I told him I wasn’t sure if it would be forever, but I knew that the current state of affairs just wasn’t healthy for me.

    I told him I needed to clear my head entirely so I could understand why I wasn’t moving on like I knew I should.

    I told him I was going to make space for what I really wanted in my life.

    I was taking a stand for myself, knowing I deserved more.

    And thirty-three days later, I connected with my now-husband. (But even if I hadn’t, I know I would be just fine).

    If you’ve ever been in a committed relationship, you know that it can sometimes feel like a pretty courageous act. Think about it—you make yourself vulnerable to another person by putting your trust in him or her. You open yourself up by sharing your hopes, dreams, and worries. And, you do all of this without any sort of guarantee that things will work out in the long run.

    When a relationship just isn’t working out, the thought of letting go of the known yet unsatisfying can feel pretty daunting. But, if like me, you are clinging to something that you know is less than you deserve, I encourage you to draw on that sense of courage to make some changes.

    Whether it’s having the confidence to ask for what you really want, engaging in the character-building work of improving your relationship, or moving on, take a stand for yourself, knowing that you are worthy of happiness and getting exactly what you want.

    Take it from me, being courageous during these moment-of-truth decision points can make all the difference in your quality of life.

    As Zig Ziglar said, “When the wrong people leave your life the right things start to happen.” Are there any wrong people in your life you need to clear out?

    Couple silhouette via Shutterstock

  • How to Hold a Broken Heart (So You Can Get Through It)

    How to Hold a Broken Heart (So You Can Get Through It)

    Broken Heart

    “Sometimes this broken heart gives birth to anxiety and panic, sometimes to anger, resentment, and blame. But under the hardness of that armor there is the tenderness of genuine sadness …This continual ache of the heart is a blessing that when accepted fully can be shared with all.” ~Pema Chodron

    I remember a few years ago when I was going through a bad break-up. It wasn’t the longest relationship of my life or even the deepest. But it had so much potential and it ended in the most cursory of ways.

    Already a few drinks deep, I FaceTimed a friend who lives in D.C. and we had a long-distance whiskey together. As I teared up I asked him a favor, prefacing it as such: “I’m guessing it’s the case. I know this sounds dramatic. But I need you to tell me that I’ll find ‘the one’ and settle down at some point.”

    He looked at me, paused, and said something I’ve never forgotten. He said, “You will love again. That I know. Whether it’s one person for a long relationship or many people with shorter ones, I know you will fall in love again.”

    As a long-time Buddhist practitioner, I have studied and experienced the heart’s amazing resilience and ability to rebound and offer love, again and again. Yet my friend’s words hit me in a new way.

    I began to realize that the ability to love is innate. We love love. We all want to love, and while there are times when we feel devastated by loss, the heart ultimately heals and once more shines forth, hoping to connect anew.

    And maybe that means we love one person for the rest of our days, or many, but the heart’s ability to love is not something I have ever questioned since. That said, when you’re broken-hearted, it’s hard to contact your ability to love unconditionally.

    Now, if you’re like me when you go through a major break-up you have a particular set of things you do to distract yourself from that pain.

    You might hole up and binge-watch a television show. You might drink a lot, either at home or hole yourself up at a local bar with a handful of supportive friends. You might attempt to rebound quickly, filling your time with endless dates or casual sex.

    Whatever your form of distraction may be, you might have found what I found: these distractions are temporary and when your show ends/you sober up/you wake up next to someone you don’t really like your pain is there bigger and badder than ever.

    In my experience, big emotions like heartbreak aren’t meant to be avoided; they’re meant to be felt. It’s a bit like standing at the edge of the ocean and having a giant wave come crashing down on you. You can kick and fight and pull against it, but it will only drag you further out to sea.

    Instead, you can look at it and dive headfirst coming out the other end, perhaps even feeling refreshed. The same goes for heartbreak. The more you kick and fight against it, the more you will get dragged into the very depths of that misery. The only way is through. You have to let the emotion roll over you like that wave.

    The main practice I recommend is one I do for heartbreak moments both big and small. I place my hand on my heart, drop the story line around the underlying emotion, and rest with the feeling of the emotion itself.

    Instead of getting lost in the mental maze of “Why did she do that?” “How can I get her back?” or “What did I do wrong?” I acknowledge those thoughts then bring my focus back to the emotion that exists right beneath their surface.

    As Pema Chodron says at the beginning of this piece, I let myself go past the anxiety and panic and touch the genuine heart of sadness that exists underneath. From that place of vulnerability and authenticity, I find the energy to once more connect with others from a place of wholeness and love.

    Years after that emotional talk with my friend, when I went through a similar break-up, I knew that the best way to see myself through to the other side of my broken heart was to take the time to rest.

    I would notice the pain of missing that person and the sinking feeling that occurred in my body. When that would happen I would lie down and breathe into it. I wouldn’t entertain the story lines that came up. Quite the opposite—I would return to the sinking feeling.

    And then, as if I had said some magic spell, the sinking feeling would lift and I could go about my day once more. I could connect with others, offering my vulnerable and tender self authentically. By diving into the heart of what I felt, I ended up feeling liberated. Today, I love again. Tomorrow, I hope to do the same.

    Broken heart image via Shutterstock