Tiny Buddha

Category: love & relationships

  • Why We Can’t Have Healthy, Happy Relationships Without Self-Love

    Why We Can’t Have Healthy, Happy Relationships Without Self-Love

    Happy Couple

    “Worry about loving yourself instead of loving the idea of other people loving you.” ~Unknown

    Body image and self-love have been my biggest struggles. They’ve affected every area of my life, including relationships.

    I developed anorexia in high school after experiencing a number of losses in a short period of time.

    During my high school years I didn’t date much. I had a few boyfriends, but the relationships never progressed because I was afraid of intimacy, due to the fact that I was uncomfortable in my skin and didn’t like my body.

    I had body dysmorphia, thinking I was overweight when I wasn’t.

    Shortly after high school, I fell into the cycle of restricting and binge eating and used excessive exercise to purge my binges. I hated my body and was obsessed with making it smaller.

    About a year after graduating from high school, I entered a relationship with a guy who was very pushy and persistent.

    I now know that I never would have entered that relationship had I loved myself.

    I remember thinking he wasn’t my type, because he seemed cocky and consumed with his own looks, which actually made me feel uncomfortable. That turned into a five-year relationship.

    I looked to this guy for happiness but never got it. I remember so many days and nights of anger, unhappiness, and complete distress. I ignored my inner voice for a long time. I now know that true happiness comes from within, and no one outside yourself has the power to dictate how you feel.

    I remember when I first realized I was still struggling with disordered eating, and that binge eating was something others struggled with too. I started seeing a psychologist and I would lie to her about our relationship, as well.

    I stayed for too long because I didn’t have any self-esteem, and didn’t know where I would go or what I could do if I left. I didn’t love him. I don’t feel he loved me either, but I did love the idea of him loving me.

    I remember the first point at which I thought maybe I could live without him. From there, it took another year for me to leave.

    Once I did leave, I knew that I needed to work on myself before I could even think of entering another relationship. I needed to discover who I was, work on improving my body image, and learn to love myself.

    I stayed single for three years, which were filled with ups and downs. I eventually hit rock bottom with my disordered eating. That actually gave me the strength to pull myself out of that vicious cycle and helped me realize I needed to change my thoughts and mindset around my body and food.

    Over time, I learned to love and accept myself as I was. I practiced authenticity and vulnerability with others and eventually met the man of my dreams.

    You see, to be able to attract another emotionally healthy person, I had to first become emotionally healthy myself.

    Lack of self-love doesn’t only show up in people with eating disorders, either. Others may have different unhealthy coping mechanisms like drinking, drugs, social media, or a shopping addiction.

    The important part to understand is that if you struggle with loving yourself like I was, you won’t be able to have a healthy relationship until you can build one with yourself.

    So many people feel as though they are running out of time to meet the “one,” but it’s important to take the time to work on yourself instead of focusing on filling the void with another person. If not, you may fall into the trap of settling for less than you deserve, like I did.

    So how can we develop self-love?

    First, become aware of the thoughts and words you speak that are demeaning toward yourself.

    Next, focus on shifting those negative thoughts to a positive thought you can believe. Affirmations are great, but they won’t help if you don’t actually believe them. You can make the new thoughts progressive if you struggle with believing them.

    For example; instead of saying, “I love my body,” say, “I am working toward accepting, loving, and honoring my body.” It’s much easier to believe this when you are in the process of getting there.

    (For more helping taming your inner critic, check out this post, Create a Kinder Mind.)

    Also, try being vulnerable with others and share your imperfections. You will quickly realize that everyone goes through tough times and you are not alone, so there’s nothing to be ashamed of.

    Just be careful of sharing with the wrong people. Some people don’t get personal growth, or maybe your particular struggle, and they may say the wrong things or judge you.

    If this happens, just understand that they aren’t in the same place as you, and don’t let that stop you from being authentic with others. It will help you connect on a deeper level and find the people you want to surround yourself with in life.

    Take the time to figure out what your passions are and what lights you up in life. This will help you realize your worth comes from what’s on the inside, rather than what you look like or how much money you make.

    Once you start to change your thoughts, it’s much easier to make healthy lifestyle choices from a place of self-love.

    It’s easier to eat in a way that nourishes your body and soul.

    It’s easier to want to fit daily movement into your life, because it makes you feel good, not because you hate your body and you’re trying to change it.

    It’s easier to get to bed on time and get enough sleep every night.

    It’s also easier to choose which relationships benefit you and which ones do not.

    Self-love cascades into every area of your life, just like self-hatred does. You can choose which way to live, but I can guarantee the challenge of building self-love is well worth it.

  • True Connection Happens When We Release Cynicism and Judgment

    True Connection Happens When We Release Cynicism and Judgment

    Cartoon teamwork holding hands / happy cooperation

    “Everyone you will ever meet knows something you don’t.” ~Bill Nye

    It’s cool to be a little cynical, right? We’ve all seen the movies; we know an air of ennui and a well-cultivated sneer is all a person needs to get by.

    When I was in my early twenties I used to archly describe myself as an “optimistic cynic.” To me, it sounded cool. I was playing in bands, and I’d decided this was how I wanted to show up to the world.

    Back then I responded to everything, whether good or bad, exciting or not, through a filter of sarcasm. (And for those who don’t know me, I’m talking British sarcasm here too. The strongest kind.)

    Thankfully, though, after years of deep work on myself, I eventually realized that really, in being so cynical, I was just hiding behind a façade, a front. The cynicism was a barrier to protect myself, and ultimately, it halted me making real connections with others, and myself.

    I think I first realized this while at university. There was a guy who lived on my floor who was just a really good person.

    Andy was happy, friendly, well-liked by everyone. The source of good emotions wherever he went.

    At the time, of course, I dismissed his demeanor as an act to be liked, which, as I write this now, I realize was me projecting my own issues on him.

    But even then a part of me knew Andy was doing something right. When he’d invite me to things (and I of course turned him down with a sarcastic aside) I felt a little silly, a little humbled by his great outlook and energy, which contrasted so greatly with my self-defeating ‘cool.’

    You see, deep down I knew I wanted to do all the things he was doing. I wanted to live my honest truth like he was, but for whatever reason I couldn’t bring myself to let go and just be myself. Andy held a mirror up to my sneer, and I didn’t like what I saw.

    I’m glad to say I’m not like that anymore. But it’s still in me on occasion, and I think in all of us if we aren’t careful. It seems more and more, cynicism is becoming the default setting for our collective consciousness. It’s the way to be now in this post-modern world.

    Don’t trust people. Don’t show your feelings. Don’t give a damn, frankly.

    We live in very uncertain times, so it’s understandable, then, that we’ve learned to question people’s motives. But where this once still bordered on liberal curiosity, it is fast turning to simple mistrust, disconnection, and in many cases, actual fear of others.

    It’s a sad situation, and something I feel we all need to be aware of. More so, we need to actively fight against this cynicism and learn to connect with each other again.

    A study at Harvard that was conducted over a staggering seventy-five years has proven beyond any doubt that that when it comes to being happier in every way, it’s all about making real connections:

    “The more areas in your life you can make connection the better…The study’s most important finding is that the only thing that matters in life is relationships…Happiness is love. Full stop.”

    But before we can make powerful connections with others, there’s someone else we need to connect with—ourselves.

    When we are disconnected from ourselves, we lose our power and our confidence in our abilities; thus, our ability to trust ourselves diminishes. And if we can’t trust ourselves, how can we trust others?

    So, we need to take the time to discover our own wants and desires and to connect fully with our core values. When we have this self-knowledge a lot of other things quickly fall into place.

    You can practice this in small ways too. Take time throughout the day to engage in a tech-free walk in nature and get your peripatetic system working. You’ll be surprised how quickly you connect with your truth when you’re completely alone with no distractions of any kind.

    Meditation, too, is a great way of just being with yourself fully. You’ll often find you have great insights once you actively create some silence for a short period and calibrate yourself. In this way, we can quickly become a person who is so focused on their path that cynicism never even gets a look in.

    When we connect with the vision we have for ourselves, we gain clarity and can then relax, become more comfortable, and begin to create real connections with the world outside.

    When you take the time to do this, you make peace with yourself, and it is from this position of power that you can create powerful moments with other people and become the source of good energy wherever you go.

    You can start this today: Practice actively connecting with people on a deep, powerful level. Look into their eyes just that extra second longer; give a hug that has real emotion behind it, a handshake that lasts a little longer than normal, or a comment that hits just right.

    With every person you talk to from now on, make a connection. Create a moment. Turn off the rest of the world and just, warmly, be with them.

    Do this right and it’ll feel like you’ve made time stand still. You’ll soon realize how great you not only make others feel, but how great you feel yourself as your connection and empathy for the world grows.

    Because flip back to the “cynical optimist” version of me you met at the start, and you’d see someone who regularly reacted badly to others, who got annoyed easily.

    I’m sure we all have had those times when other people have riled us—the man on the street walking too slowly in front of us or too close behind us, the rude checkout girl who can’t raise a smile, the work colleague who makes bad jokes or talks too much.

    We know that getting annoyed only ultimately harms ourselves. If something annoys you, that’s on you. And while we might think we’re displaying dominance and superiority by getting annoyed, really, all we’re doing is giving away our power and becoming disconnected to others and our true, better selves.

    Researchers have dubbed this fundamental attribution error, which states that we tend to give too much weight to someone’s personality or disposition in explaining their behavior in a given situation.

    In other words, we all too often take one single thing that someone does and use it to make a judgment on their entire persona. I’m sure you can agree that this does not help at all in creating honest connections with our fellow humans.

    We need to combat this bias whenever we can. A great technique I found, that immediately helps us feel more present and connected with others, is to consciously reframe the event.

    When you feel yourself getting a little antsy, rather than stewing on it and becoming disconnected and wound up, simply change the story.

    That man walking too fast behind you? He’s late for his new job and is a little worried about what his new boss will say.

    The sulky checkout assistant? They’ve just split up with their partner and feel heartbroken.

    If someone annoys you, tell yourself a story about why they are doing what they’re doing, and reframe it in a way that you can relate to.

    In this way we can all learn to be a little more empathetic, a little more connected, a little nicer even.

    And like I say, living this way really is a win/win situation all round; as you grow more connected with yourself and your environment, your own power and confidence will grow as a result. So create moments, reframe the stories you tell yourself about others, and show up in the world as a source of great emotions.

    That’s something we can all connect with.

  • 3 Ways to Tell If You’re in an Unhealthy Relationship

    3 Ways to Tell If You’re in an Unhealthy Relationship

    Broken Heart

    “The harder you fight to hold onto specific assumptions, the more likely there’s gold in letting them go.” ~John Seely Brown

    It was Christmas night and I was ecstatic. He would be there any minute.

    I touched up my gloss and gave myself a quick once over in the hallway mirror. Despite having had a hearty dinner at my Mum’s, my stomach was flat and my dress fit me like a glove, enveloping my curves perfectly. I was ready and raring to go.

    Glancing at the clock, I wondered where he was. I double checked my phone to see if he’d text, but no—nothing. Oh well, he was only twenty minutes late. It was fine. He had probably just been held up or something.

    I went and sat patiently on the stairs, looking at the front door and willing the doorbell to ring.

    Two hours later he showed up. No apology, no nothing. I didn’t even get a kiss.

    He staggered in, obviously drunk, and asked if there was any food. I led him into the living room and said I would go fix him something. Grunting in response, he made himself comfortable while I headed into the kitchen.

    As disappointed as I was, now was not the time to pick a fight.

    Colin was never reasonable when he’d been drinking, and I didn’t want a repeat of last time; I didn’t want to upset him.

    I suppose I should have been grateful he had decided to come over. After all, he didn’t have to, did he? What was important was that he had, which was good enough.

    He did like me really, but he just had a lot on his plate, and it was up to me to be strong and support him. He didn’t mean to hit me; I just needed to stop being so provocative and expecting too much.

    That was my problem: I was always looking for trouble and couldn’t just be content with what I had.

    Running back into the living room, I lovingly gave him his food and watched him wolf it down, pleased that he was satisfied and enjoying it. It made me happy seeing him happy.

    He put his plate down and looked over at me. My heart started beating faster and I got nervous. He beckoned me over, and I eagerly went and sat on his lap to embrace him.

    It didn’t matter that he had been late; he was here now.

    I nuzzled against his neck and breathed him in. This was all I wanted, to be with him, and it was moments like this that made it worthwhile. All the other details were irrelevant. For as long as he wanted me, I would always be there for him, giving anything and everything I had to make it work.

    Colin was my world, and that was how it would always be.

    Almost ten years on and my eyes are wide open to what that relationship was all about. I was in such need of love from a man that I was willing to take any small amount of breadcrumbs tossed in my direction.

    That was how it was for years. All the men I got involved with were only out for what they could get, and I accepted it because I genuinely believed that was the best I could have. It’s only looking back now that I realize I was the better half, and I shouldn’t have settled for such treatment.

    Matters of the heart are always complicated, but combined with insecurities and fear, they’re often more destructive than anything else.

    I know how easy it is to convince yourself that you are with someone because, deep down, they love you. Manipulators are experts at deceiving people, but we are even better at deceiving ourselves, especially when we long for love with all our hearts.

    3 Non-Negotiable Factors

    I’ve had the worst kind of relationships, but from them, I have gleaned three crucial pointers in identifying a healthy vs. unhealthy one.

    Reciprocation

    Who provides what in the relationship emotionally, physically, financially, etc.? Are you the one making all the effort? Is it balanced, and if not, why?

    Your time and energy is just as precious as anyone else’s. Are you being appreciated in the way you should be?

    Your Feelings

    On a scale of one to ten, how do you feel around this person most of the time?

    In what way do they benefit and enrich your life?

    Can you be yourself when you’re with them?

    Do they make you feel good about yourself and love you for who you truly are?

    While no relationship is perfect, for the most part, they’re meant to be a source of joy and pleasure, and to add value to our lives.

    Hopes and Dreams

    How do you feel about the longevity of this relationship?

    Imagine twenty years from now, if your relationship continues as it’s been; would this future be in alignment with your own goals and plans?

    Does your partner support and share your vision for the future?

    Do they encourage your self-development or hinder it?

    If you cannot picture long-term happiness with this person in your life, you need to question how much you are prepared to sacrifice to be with them.

    Be True To Yourself

    These questions should enable you to obtain some perspective.

    If your partner is worth the emotional investment, that’s wonderful. If, on the other hand, you instinctively know this is a bad set up, the best advice I can give you is to end the relationship as soon as possible.

    It’s similar to removing a Band-Aid; it will hurt, but it’s best done quickly and without delay. Speaking from experience, the reality of them vacating is never as scary as you imagine it will be.

    Stay true to yourself and don’t just accept things for how they are. I was completely intoxicated by all my ex boyfriends, but only because I allowed myself to be, and they took advantage of that. As soon as I decided to cut all ties, they disappeared almost instantaneously.

    Be strong and know that you are worth so much more than you believe. If you lie to yourself that everything is okay, you are prolonging the pain and simply postponing the inevitable.

    Take some control and free yourself from a life of guaranteed hurt and misery. Any short-term pain will be outweighed by the bright future, full of love and light, that is waiting for you. All you need to do is make the choice to allow and receive it.

  • What Not to Say to Someone Who’s Going Through a Breakup or Divorce

    What Not to Say to Someone Who’s Going Through a Breakup or Divorce

    Comforting friend

    “Good friends help you to find important things when you have lost them…your smile, your hope and your courage.” ~Doe Zantamata 

    Divorce or the end of a long-term relationship is one of hardest, if the not the hardest, trial you might be faced with in life. Unfortunately, unless you’ve experienced it firsthand, it’s very hard to believe this statement.

    For most of my fifteen-year relationship, I didn’t believe it. Sure, I commiserated with friends who were suffering through breakups, but I did so with a superiority complex, a judgment about how they got themselves into that situation through relationship neglect.

    Thankfully, I kept thoughts such as this one to myself: “Wow, get over it already. It’s been a year, and it’s not like he died!”

    Since separating from my husband (and childhood sweetheart) a year ago, I’ve learned some incredibly humbling lessons about love, people, grief, and healing, and I feel compelled to pass some of this wisdom on, specifically my insight into how to be a good friend to someone who’s relationship is ending.

    Below, I share three hurtful comments that well-meaning friends said to me during my separation, and three things that I was lucky enough to hear from other friends that I still treasure to this day.

    1. Aren’t you over that yet?

    WHAT NOT TO SAY:

    “I thought it was you who ended it, so why are you still moping about?”

    “It’s been six months and you’re still sad. Why don’t you see a therapist and get some pills or something?”

    “You were much more fun before all of this happened.”

    “You’re sobbing quite loudly, and people are looking…”

    I get it. Friends are more fun when they’re not crying into their warm Mimosas at brunch. You naturally want your friends to be happy and to feel better soon, but the timeframe of “soon” is different for everyone.

    Sadness, anger, denial, and depression are all very normal and healthy stages of the grieving process, and healing may take weeks or, more commonly, years.

    We want and need to feel supported and accepted, regardless of our mood. Being around people (especially friends) who are unhappy can be unsettling, but please know that we don’t need you to fix us or even cheer us up. We just want someone to hold our hand now and then.

    The grieving process takes different lengths of time for everyone. Please respect that whatever you consider the right amount of time to be, even if it was right for you, might not be right for me.

    WHAT TO SAY:

    “You’re dear to me whether you mourn for the next ten years or if you get married again tomorrow. Regardless, I’ll be there to share your journey. Here’s a tissue.”

    2. It’s contagious!

    WHAT NOT TO SAY:

    “I can’t imagine being single again at our age.”

    “My partner and I are very secure. We haven’t missed Friday date night in four years.”

    “I didn’t invite you, as it’s only going to be other couples. I don’t want you to feel weird or left out.”

    “Don’t try and put any crazy ideas into my partner’s head. Keep your tantalizing dating tales to yourself please.”

    Divorce/separation can’t be caught like a cold or an STD. This might seem blindingly obvious, but when announcing the end of your relationship to your married/committed friends, their defensive or threatened reactions can make it seem so.

    When we swallow our grief and be vulnerable enough to share with you that our relationships have ended, we are not suggesting that you should do the same. It is not your cue to defend your relationship, or the merits of long-term partnership in general.

    We are not actively seeking new single-friend recruits to hit the club with, and we don’t want you to drink the divorce-spiked Kool-aid. Equally, we are not trying to seduce your significant other and steal him as an oftentimes flabbier and more hygiene-challenged version of our ex.

    Everyone’s relationships are different. Some work and others don’t for an equally innumerable amount of reasons. Your friend needs a shoulder to sob against not one with a chip on it.

    WHAT TO SAY INSTEAD:

    “You’ll never be a third wheel, and regardless of your relationship status, you’re our friend. Let me know how I can best support you.”

    3. The devil is in the details.

    WHAT NOT TO SAY:

    “What went wrong? Tell me everything!”

    “Did he cheat on you? Did you cheat on him???”

    “Are you getting the house, the car, the kids?”

    “I think I saw your ex yesterday at the store; he’s lost weight, hasn’t he? I wondered what he was doing with that beautiful blonde twenty-something…”

    Events as painful as separation can provoke extreme behaviors and reactions. Destruction of property, custody battles, wars over friendships or property, or beloved pets.

    I have been guilty of watching ‘car-crash’ TV too; however, most of us recently separated are not auditioning for the cast of the next Real Housewives!

    We’re not looking to relive the often heart-breaking drama for anyone’s amusement, so please don’t ask for all the gory details or even for an explanation. There’s never just one, easy-to-define reason a relationship ends; there’s rarely a neat single-sentence summary.

    It’s never black and white; instead, it’s grey and messy, and oftentimes the justification and reasoning is not even clear in your own head, let alone trying to justify or explain it to someone else.

    In the same way you wouldn’t hammer a recent widower for all the juicy details, please show a little restrain when talking with the newly separated. 

    WHAT TO SAY INSTEAD:

    “I’m so sorry you are going through this sad time. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you. If you need a martini and a non-judgmental ear to natter to, I’m here, with no questions asked.”

    —

    A quick note; like me this article is intentionally a little cheeky and exaggerated in parts, but even if you’re guilty of some of the friendship crimes I’ve listed, fear not! This is not intended as persecution.

    As someone who slipped up in the past, I know first-hand that there is very little guidance for those closest to those experiencing the end of a relationship. Know that it’s never too late, though. Reaching out today with the right words can make a real difference.

    The past twelve months have been the most challenging in my life, and I’m very blessed and happy to say that I was (mostly) surrounded with loving and supportive friends.

    There were times when I feared I would never get my mojo back, never feel joy or love again, but I’m starting to laugh more and cry less, and am finally finding my feet again.

    Now, I look forward to being a supportive, caring, and nonjudgmental friend for others experiencing this long and tiring transition.

    For those just starting the process of separation or a little way down this path, know that you will get through this, little by little, day by day. Don’t try and rush your healing. Give yourself the gift of time and respect as you work through the muddy waters of heartache.

    No matter how dark and lost you feel, please take my word that eventually, at the right time for you, you will find happiness again. And the support from your friends along the way will be a reminder of how worthy of love you truly are.

  • Why Self-Help Shouldn’t Be About Trying to “Fix” Yourself

    Why Self-Help Shouldn’t Be About Trying to “Fix” Yourself

    “Stop trying to ‘fix’ yourself; you’re not broken! You are perfectly imperfect and powerful beyond measure.” ~Steve Maraboli

    The other day I had some time to kill before a meeting, so I decided to go to one of my favorite places, Chapters Bookstore. When I walked in, I immediately headed toward the self-help section to pick up Brene Brown’s Rising Strong (great read, by the way).

    As I was searching for her book, I noticed an unusual number of people browsing the same shelves, searching for their self-help book of choice.

    Of course, there is nothing wrong with this. The desire to learn, grow, and be the best version of yourself is something that takes commitment, which I applaud.

    But, there was a time when going to the self-help section of the bookstore was done discreetly, not wanting others to think you needed that kind of help.

    There was this silent insinuation that something was wrong with you; you needed to be fixed because you were “working on yourself.”

    Now, with the personal growth movement in full effect, it’s widely accepted, with sales in self-help books soaring! Yet that silent insinuation has not quite fully left.

    Some who seek help increasing their confidence or decreasing self-doubt, or doing anything else for their own personal growth, believe that:

    • “I need fixing,”
    • “There really is something wrong with me,” or
    • “If I loved myself enough I would/would not (fill in the blank).”

    If you connect with what I’m saying, then I’m here to tell you that none of that is true! How do I know? I used to carry those same beliefs.

    So I ask you, why do you seek personal growth? Your answer will determine your outcome.

    I believe there are two motivators as to why people seek personal growth: love and fear.

    When you seek personal growth from a place of love, your relationship with yourself changes. No matter how many mistakes or wrong turns you feel you have made, you are willing to use those as learning opportunities, not as a reason to judge, criticize, or blame yourself.

    You acknowledge that you are doing the best you can with whatever life throws at you. You are there for yourself with acceptance, understanding, and forgiveness. As a result, true growth happens.

    When you approach self-help from a place of fear, you believe that you or your life is lacking in some way. You hang on to the hope that if you just get the right self-help book, or sign up for that life-changing workshop, retreat, or program, that uncomfortable feeling will go away and all will be well again.

    If you hang on to this belief, that is not personal growth.

    This is looking outside of yourself for happiness, self-acceptance, or inner peace, or to bring security, guarantees, or the love you desire.

    It’s a temporary fix. It will continually leave you feeling unfilled and in a cycle of looking for the next best thing to fill you up, creating more fear within you because you are not getting the long-lasting results you want.

    I was in that cycle about six years ago. The end of a promising relationship left me heartbroken.

    I was about to turn forty, I wasn’t happy with where I was in my career, and I was struggling financially. Although grateful for my supportive family and friends, I knew it was all on me to do things differently. But I was feeling lost, empty inside, and unsure of myself, and I had no idea of my next steps.

    What I had envisioned for my life up until that point was definitely not where I had landed. This scared me. I felt alone most of the time. I felt like everything was falling down around me, and it jolted me to my core.

    It opened up insecurities I was unknowingly carrying, or thought I had resolved. My self-doubt was high, and I constantly second-guessed myself. But you would have never known it, because I was very good at putting on a mask to get through the day.

    I shed many tears. I prayed for help. I blamed. I was angry. I felt cheated.

    I didn’t realize it at the time, but this was the best place for me to be in. This emotional time in my life pushed me to challenge and redefine the type of relationship I had with myself, which ultimately impacted my relationship with life.

    A self-awareness journey had begun like never before in the midst of believing I needed fixing.

    My whole life I had always dabbled in personal growth, always having a curiosity about life, the purpose of it, wanting answers on how to find fulfillment. So I felt I was pretty well versed in spiritually and well-being.

    I would soon find out that this time would be different.

    I began to soak up all the information I could on the “how to’s” of personal growth and development, to help me get to a better place in relationship with myself.

    And it did help me—to a certain point.

    While I learned a lot from books, retreats, and online courses, my subconscious intention was to fill that void within me. So nothing really stuck long term.

    All the happiness, love, and peace I felt lasted as long as my boyfriend approved of me, or people only had nice things to say about me, or I was the perfect friend, daughter, employee, or boss.

    I was still operating from a place of inner emptiness and a lack of self-love, so I didn’t fully see my own beauty. As I went deeper within, unraveling layers of myself that I had never tapped into before, some I didn’t even know existed within me, my fear started to evolve into self-love.

    I realized that we are taught how to love others, how to get love, how to be lovable, but we’re never taught how to truly love ourselves—at all, let alone unconditionally. Why? Because on some level, our society believes that it’s egotistical, not important, or narcissistic.

    What I now know for sure is that each time we depend on others or things to give us happiness, approval, to make us feel loved, important, successful, to receive guarantees, peace, or security, we give a piece of ourselves away.

    We give what is happening outside of ourselves permission to dictate our level of happiness and self-love.

    For me, that evolved into people pleasing, because I allowed others to be my lifeline to feeling good. I didn’t realize that I didn’t need fixing; I just needed to be re-introduced to who I truly was and I have always been. Whole and complete.

    Once I stopped giving away my power to everyone but myself, my relationship with myself changed, and so did my life.

    When you meet yourself with love, you allow the process of personal growth to be about fulfillment rather than filling in. You begin to be kinder to yourself, more understanding, compassionate, and supportive of your journey. The love for yourself expands.

    Self-love is not about the ego or selfishness; it’s a pure, positive, compassionate attitude toward yourself. So when we hear that voice within saying, How dare you love yourself? I ask, How dare you not?

    Personal growth is a lifelong process that is not about getting to a destination, but the journey itself. There is no right or wrong way of going through this process.

    Each of our life journeys is unpredictable. The only thing you truly have control over is yourself—your actions, your effort, your words, your fun and play, your ideas, your mistakes, or your behavior. You have the power to decide how you will continue along your journey. So ask yourself…

    Will my decisions come from a place of love or a place of fear?

    Build a solid foundation from within by tapping into your beauty, confidence, strength, resilience, and all the other good stuff that may be buried away and forgotten, so that you don’t lose yourself during life’s ups and downs.

    Know that nothing or no one can validate you, because you are already valid.

    There is no “fixing” that needs to be done, nor are you “flawed” for seeking help and guidance. It just means that you are ready to experience yourself and your life in a new way, because what you’re doing is no longer working.

    The next time you pick up a self-help book, go to a spiritual healer, hire a life coach, see a counselor, or attend a personal development workshop, let these resources be a means to support. Let them help and guide you toward true fulfillment rather than inviting them to be a substitute for your true happiness.

    You are perfect, whole, and complete exactly as you are!

  • Why We Should Stop Trying to “Fix” Other People’s Pain

    Why We Should Stop Trying to “Fix” Other People’s Pain

    Depressed young crying woman - victim

    “There is such a deeply rooted belief that we must do something with intense surges of feeling and emotion as they wash through: understand them, determine their cause, link them to some life circumstance or person, transform them, transmute them, or even ‘heal’ them.” ~Matt Licata

    A few years ago, when I first started working for my current organization, one of my colleagues asked me what role I would most enjoy on the team.

    I quickly said, “I like making things happen.”

    That was so clear to me—I’m a natural do-er, organizer, and planner. It’s easy for me to take action on manifesting things in the world.

    While that has been useful for creating a sense of security in the material world, it has been less helpful for navigating the inner world.

    My same orientation toward the outside world, I brought to my emotions and how I met other people’s feelings.

    “You always try to fix the situation,” my husband said on the car ride home as grief was arising from visiting his ill mom. “Like, you know a process that works for you, and it feels as if you try to draft me into it.”

    That was hard to hear. I was defensive at first, “What? No I’m not. I really care about you, and am trying to help you…”

    As I sat with what he said and reflected on our conversation from a moment earlier, I realized that I was asking him over and over about how he was feeling, giving him suggestions and tools that have worked for me, that I thought might work for him too.

    When I peeled back another layer of my intention, I recognized it was mostly out of my own angst—the discomfort of just sitting there with him in presence, listening, with uncertainty. This nagging feeling of “needing to know” and “needing to make better” kept tugging at me.

    And so, finally, I gave in and asked several questions back to back that he was not yet ready to answer, followed by several uninvited suggestions.

    Over the next day, I continued to reflect on how to be with others and found there was a lot for me to learn from this situation with my husband.

    It’s true, when things are hard my mind perks up and goes into doing mode. I think, “What can I do? How do we make this better? What can be done to fix this situation and make it a bit more pleasant?”

    Anything to not linger in uncertainty and the discomfort of “unresolved” emotion.

    In that layer beneath the really good intention to help and make better, there is a more subtle motivation that says, “To stay with the vulnerability of this pain is really hard. It’s scary to be with the unknown. What can we do to make it go away and begin moving forward from this?”

    To sit with difficult emotions and not try to fix or make something better has been a huge learning curve for me over the past years, especially with emotional pain—both for myself and with those who are closest to me.

    Recently, when I see someone else in pain, I’ve been practicing “being with” and “witnessing,” and just deeply listening. It’s not an easy practice, as I’ve had thirty-three years of a conditioned, habitual impulse to “fix” and “move on” and “make better.”

    And yet, I see that the longer that I can stay with difficult emotions (my own and others’), the more I experience moments of deep peace, held with compassion.

    In fact, I often find that nothing needed fixing or to be “done.” Presence and being with is enough.

    Here are three lessons I’ve learned on how to be with others when faced with difficult emotions:

    1. Be with.

    This has been my mantra for the past six months. In fact, I even wear a bracelet daily with that phrase engraved.

    “Be with” reminds me to show up in a way that fully meets the present moment. Usually, that translates into deeply listening the best I can, remembering to breathe, coming back to the body, and not getting caught up in my mind.

    It reminds me to witness and not go down that path of fixing and making better.

    2. Do nothing.

    “This ‘doing nothing’ is not a cold, passive resignation, but is an alive, sacred activity, infused with the light of awareness and a wild, relentless sort of compassion. To do nothing in this way is a radical act of kindness and love, filled with qualities of earth and warmth, and a holy gift that you can offer yourself and others.” ~Matt Licata

    A friend of mine shared that when she was in psychology school, many of the therapists often asked, “But what I can I do to help my client?” Because doing nothing didn’t feel like enough.

    Each time this question came up, the teacher would always say the same thing: “Just be with his/her process. As that’s the only thing that creates lasting change.”

    There is a difference between powerlessness and helplessness. To surrender, which is to be powerlessness and to do nothing, does not equate to being helpless. When we are able to surrender and accept our powerlessness over others’ emotional pain and circumstance, we can wake up to deeper wisdom.

    Simply being present for the other exactly as he/she is—doing nothing—can be the most loving, powerful gift.

    3. Loving-kindness.

    During the moments when being with or doing nothing is too challenging, a loving-kindness mantra has always been helpful for me. It can bring a momentary peace during difficult situations when the mind might otherwise run along with thinking, planning, or engaging in fear-based stories to distract from the present moment.

    It goes like this: You say the below quietly inside, with an open heart.

    “May I be safe. May I be free from fear. May I be free from suffering.“ And, “May you be safe. May you be free from fear. May you be free from suffering.”

    What do you find helpful when those close to you are in emotional pain or in challenging situations? How do you meet yourself during difficult emotions?

  • The Art of Conversation: Stop Zoning Out and Waiting to Talk

    The Art of Conversation: Stop Zoning Out and Waiting to Talk

    Conversation Bubbles

    “Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.” ~Mark Twain

    Some of the most memorable experiences in our lives revolve around the conversations we have with others.

    Talking to your grandparents about what life was like for them when they were young.

    Kind words of encouragement from a teacher or mentor.

    A romantic conversation in front of a fireplace with your soul mate.

    Listening to the last words of someone on their deathbed.

    However, sometimes we can become so pressured to talk, to sell ourselves, or can become so distracted by all the gadgets and activities begging for our attention, that we forget the basic components of meaningful human interaction.

    A couple of months ago I was sitting in a café across the table from an Italian woman. We were there together with mutual friends and had just met. To be polite and engage her in conversation, I asked a standard icebreaker question about her personal life.

    She opened her mouth to speak and didn’t stop talking for at least twenty minutes.

    I have been around enough Italians to know they love to talk, but this was extreme even for Mediterranean standards.

    Our mutual friends and I nodded along, and by the end of her Shakespearean monologue I knew everything about her whole life, including how she was raised by a single mother, and how every activity in her own baby’s daily routine was scheduled to the exact minute.

    After she finished and took a much-needed breath of air, she turned to me and asked, “So, what do you do for a living?”

    At last it was my turn to share!

    I began with, “Well, I…”

    But it was already too late.

    The smile from her face disappeared and glazed eyes began to stare aimlessly at me from the other side of the table. Then, as I continued to give a brief synopsis of my personal and professional background, she started to fidget in her chair and look nervously around the café, but not at me.

    I could tell that her mind was racing and that she was anxiously waiting for the moment where she could jump in and speak again, so I turned the conversation back to her. She lit up with a huge smile and then part two of her monologue began.

    My feelings weren’t hurt by the fact that she preferred to talk instead of listening to me, or anyone else at the table for that matter. But when I got home I began to reflect on how I interact with others.

    Do people enjoy talking to me?

    What goes through my mind when someone else is speaking?

    Do I give them my full attention?

    As I mentally answered these questions, I came to the realization that I, like my Italian tablemate, could sometimes be a me-conversation culprit.

    I would be so focused on thinking of something smart to say next that I wouldn’t even be listening to what the other person was saying.

    When a coworker was in my office talking to me, I would always keep one eye on my email inbox.

    And when having a phone conversation with my family, who I hardly ever get to see because they live on another continent, I would be scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed on my computer, half-listening to what they were saying.

    Since that encounter in the café I’ve made a conscious effort to get rid of these bad habits and have memorable conversations with others, especially with my friends and family. Some of the tips I’ve been learning and attempting to putting into practice include:

    1. Ask open-ended questions.

    Refrain from asking yes/no questions, which will end with a one-word answer followed by the sound of crickets. We should instead try asking questions such as, “How did that feel?” or “What was that like?”

    It keeps the conversation flowing and makes it more interesting because we get to hear their viewpoint instead of describing their experience for them, i.e. “I bet that was amazing!”

    You’ll be surprised by some of the responses you’ll get.

    2. Listen to their voice, not the one in your head.

    We should focus our full attention on someone when they are speaking to us instead of getting wrapped up in what we’ll say next. Just let the conversation flow and take its natural course.

    When we listen to what others are saying, they’ll feel more connected to us, even if we actually don’t say all that much. In addition, as I’ve learned firsthand, you can spare yourself those awkward moments when you ask a question that they had just previously given the answer to when they were speaking.

    3. Don’t make the conversation about you.

    It can feel great when we talk about ourselves, especially if there is something we are proud of. But we shouldn’t make the conversation consistently about ourselves.

    One of my interests is travel, so now I’m constantly reminding myself not to one‑up everyone else by saying something along the lines of, “Oh, that sounds like a fun vacation. Last year I went to (insert destination here), which was so amazing!”

    A great conversationalist is a person who knows that a real conversation is not a monologue, or about trying to constantly impress everyone. It’s a give and take dynamic, which involves actually listening.

    And besides, nobody ever learned anything from just talking.

    4. Stop multitasking.

    Lastly, if we want to have a meaningful conversation, we have to stop multitasking.

    Close the laptop.

    Stop texting.

    Stop cooking dinner.

    We should just refrain from whatever it is we are doing that is keeping from us from focusing our attention on them.

    This is the one piece of advice that I consistently have to work on. As I mentioned before, most of my family lives halfway around the world and any sort of communication is precious, yet when I speak with them I can easily get distracted by all of the cat videos and social media updates that the Internet has to offer.

    These distractions can be hilarious and fun, but they are not a top priority in my life like my family is, so I always try to keep this tip in mind.

    —

    Human interaction is one mankind’s fundamental needs, and we can all work on our communication skills.

    Because in the end we aren’t going to remember what was on our social media, or how impressed others were when we talked about all of the exotic places we’ve visited.

    We are going to remember what we’ve learned from others and the meaningful connections we’ve made with real people.

  • Why We Don’t Need to Worry About What’s Missing in Our Lives

    Why We Don’t Need to Worry About What’s Missing in Our Lives

    Life is like a puzzle..Life consists of many components, 3d rendering

    “Don’t compare your struggles to anyone else’s. Don’t get discouraged by the success of others. Make your own path and never give up.” ~Unknown

    My recent breakup was the most painful experience of my life. More painful maybe than it should have been, as it came at a time when a lot of things weren’t going as I hoped they would.

    The road to healing seemed so much steeper and longer when all of these things also needed to be ‘fixed.’

    As I approached my thirtieth birthday, I found myself back living at home with my parents and at a crossroads in my career. I was suffering from anxiety and felt as though my life had little purpose. Things just weren’t supposed to be this way. This was not part of the plan.

    I knew that I needed to make some serious changes, but I was overwhelmed by the sheer size of the task in my hands.

    It wasn’t just my heart that had smashed. It was as though my life was a jigsaw that had just been broken into a million pieces. And I had to recreate the picture.

    So I started as you do with a jigsaw.

    I slowly picked up the pieces, one by one, and tried my best to slot them together.

    It wasn’t an easy task. Sometimes I couldn’t find the piece that I was looking for. Often, it seemed like the small sections I had completed would never properly fit together. There were many times I got frustrated and felt like abandoning the project all together.

    Yet somewhere along the way the picture started to take shape.

    I focused on my mental health and explored mindfulness. I devoted time to new hobbies and joined a sports club. I revisited my childhood passion for writing. I spent quality time with old friends and enjoyed getting to know new ones. I got a puppy.

    Bit by bit, I picked up the pieces and worked hard to create something new.

    After a while I could start to recognize some serious progress. I was still a long way off finishing the jigsaw, but it was getting easier to work on it. I was feeling much stronger, feeling a new sense of hope that one day I would get there. I had caught a glimpse of what the picture could become.

    Yet despite my best efforts, the holes in the picture haunted me.

    I was acutely aware of the parts that were missing. Months had passed, and some of the main pieces still evaded me, the ones that I saw as being crucial to my picture. It weighed on me greatly.

    Without these pieces, I felt that the jigsaw could never really make sense. Instead of concentrating on the pieces I had, I spent a lot of my time searching for these middle pieces. The others just didn’t hold as much value. At least, that’s how I chose to view it.

    Then one day, I cast my thoughts back to the start of my jigsaw journey.

    I remembered how utterly lost and frightened I had felt at that time. How overwhelming the whole process ahead seemed. And I realized just how much of the picture had appeared without me really noticing it. I considered how inconceivable this progress had seemed at the start, how proud I should be that I had managed to get this far.

    But once again, the missing pieces came into focus.

    On a night out with friends, talk naturally revolved around our jigsaws. I was already acutely aware that theirs were at a more advanced stage to mine. Engagements, mortgages, weddings, children.

    I observed, sadly, how many of their milestone pieces were already secure. An acute reminder that I still had so many to find.

    I wondered if I would ever find them or if my jigsaw would just remain incomplete forever. Still a jigsaw of sorts, but not as it should look. I was happy for my friends’ success. I just worried that I seemed to be so far behind.

    But then, as the conversation continued, I made another observation.

    It seemed as though there were parts of their jigsaws that were also still incomplete. These may have been the outer parts, the ones not quite at the center, but they were parts of the jigsaw nonetheless—parts that I, myself, had managed to obtain but perhaps had taken for granted.

    Through hard work and determination, I had successfully made the career transition that had once seemed impossible.

    My lowest points had strengthened my relationships and showed me that I had people who I could really count on.

    My period of reflection had taught me a lot about myself and what I wanted from life.

    I had developed my own interests as an individual and become more independent.

    I acknowledged that these were also a significant part of the picture, and that a jigsaw had many different pieces and everyone still had work to do. I realized that while I was busy concentrating on my missing pieces, I had neglected to appreciate the value of these other ones.

    While I was busy feeling ashamed of its hollow middle, others may just have been noticing how my corners were taking shape. To me, my jigsaw didn’t look as I wanted it to, but that didn’t mean that it looked the same to everyone else. And it didn’t make my success any less admirable.

    Viewed with a less critical eye, they would see a jigsaw that was slowly but surely taking shape, albeit a little slower than their own. A jigsaw at a different stage but with lots of potential. If I shifted my perspective, I might just notice how all the pieces were starting to connect.

    We are all completing a jigsaw of our lives at any given moment. Some of us are further ahead; some of us are a little bit behind. Sometimes a tremor comes along that will damage a piece of the picture, or may even dismantle it completely.

    In that case we must start to rebuild it again, maybe even from scratch. Sometimes we may never find a missing piece and the jigsaw must be appreciated without it. To destroy the whole jigsaw because of one missing piece would be to sacrifice a lifetime’s effort.

    The important thing is that, as we work side by side to do this, we must not let each other’s “success” deter our own progress. We have all been given slightly different jigsaws, some appear easy, some harder, but they will all have their unique challenges. And in the end, each one creates a beautiful picture. A result that is completely unique.

    How someone else constructs their jigsaw will not be the same as your approach. Some people dive straight in and fill in the middle, but then can find it a bit more difficult to fill out the edges. Some like to sort out all the pieces carefully before they even start.

    Some will have help completing their jigsaw, but that just makes it more of an achievement for those who manage to complete it alone. Your jigsaw is your masterpiece. It does not have to look like anybody else’s, nor does it have to be completed in the same way.

    Approach it your own way, and be sure to credit yourself for each part that takes shape. You can glance at others’ jigsaws now and again, but don’t let this put you off yours. No one knows what life holds in store for us, so comparison is a futile exercise.

    Support others and celebrate their progress, trusting in your heart that they will do the same for you as you move forward. Your time will come. You may even inspire others along the way.

    Try not to worry about how the picture will turn out, but enjoy the process and the excitement of seeing it revealed. You may think that you know what the picture will be like, only for it to turn out completely different. But either way, at the end, you will look back and see that they were all made perfectly. That your final picture is beautiful and as it was always meant to be.

    As it stands my jigsaw is still incomplete, but I am choosing to view the process differently. I am consistently working on the smaller pieces and these are bringing me much greater satisfaction.

    They are starting to give the whole picture a lot more meaning now that I’m not fixated on the gap in the middle. I now have much more appreciation for the value of these pieces. I know that I will look back one day and see that these were a lot more vital than I initially thought.

    I am also choosing to trust that the bigger pieces are on their way. I look forward to the days when they will slot easily into their rightful place, surrounded by a sturdy framework.

    With hindsight I can see that first jigsaw just wasn’t working out for me. Although painful at the time, the shake-up was necessary. There were pieces that were never going to fit, no matter how much I wanted them to. I like to believe that there is a reason why my jigsaw needed to be reconstructed in this way.

    For now, though, I have decided to be present and just enjoy the process. Because the reality is that we only get one jigsaw, and I want to make the most of the one I’ve got.

    I have a feeling that it’s shaping up to be a good one.

  • Why It Takes Strength to Be Vulnerable, and Why It’s Worth It

    Why It Takes Strength to Be Vulnerable, and Why It’s Worth It

    “Vulnerability is our most accurate measure of courage.” ~Brené Brown

    When we’re younger, we’re fearless. We don’t mind climbing trees, making friends with strangers, or telling our secrets to people we’ve just met. We open our eyes and hearts to new experiences and people, and we trust that everything is going to be okay.

    Somewhere along the way, we learn that being vulnerable can hurt.

    We get teased or laughed at, and we learn that not everyone can be trusted with our secrets. Our knees get bruised and our hearts get broken.

    I don’t fall in love easily. So, when I tried to heal myself and get back out there after a significant relationship of mine came to a halt, it was a big deal for me. Six weeks in, he cheated on me.

    It didn’t matter that it was at the start of the relationship; the point was, I had been vulnerable with him, and he was the first person I’d opened up to in a long time.

    The shock of being lied to and cheated on felt like a punch to my stomach. I felt like my insides were being ripped out, that someone could betray me in such a vile way.

    I felt small and insignificant, and I hated that I had given someone the power to affect me that way. 

    I ended things and crawled forward with my life. However, the betrayal had put me on high alert to other people’s capacity to hurt me, and I shut down.

    Toward the end of last year, I decided to take time and space to figure out what I had the capacity to offer anyone, what it was that I was giving, and what it was that I desired in return.

    My answers left me with a bitter taste in my mouth: If someone had betrayed me in such a vile way, in such a short amount of time, how could I risk getting hurt again?

    I remember speaking to a friend about this. I told her that I knew the inherent risk that accompanied vulnerability, and that I wished it were different. She asked me what I learned from the experience.

    I explained to her that the experience would give me an extra amount of empathy when clients and friends came to me describing their experience of infidelity.

    Also, I was lucky it had happened sooner rather than later, when I was more invested.

    Then I explained that the experience gave me the strength to know that I could walk away from the relationship when my non-negotiable value of honesty and trust was compromised.

    Most importantly, being cheated on forced me to evaluate my values and how I was going to love and be loved.

    I know that I won’t compromise on honesty, loyalty, passion, and kindness. My strength is in my honesty and the way I can open up to others; the only fault was doing so to someone who took that for granted and didn’t share the same values.

    I wish I didn’t have to spin the situation to find a lesson, as bluntly put, being cheated on sucks. But the only mistakes we make in life are the lessons we don’t learn and use the next time around.

    Though I could recognize these lessons now, at the time I could feel myself withdraw. I asked questions like, Why does anyone bother being vulnerable when we just get hurt? What’s the point?  

    At one stage I told myself that perhaps strength involved complete self-sufficiency, and that I would hold other people at arm’s length. I rationalized that if I didn’t let people get close to me or allow myself to be so vulnerable, then I wouldn’t be in that position in the first place.

    Then I thought about the best moments in my friendships and relationships. There’s the ones where we’re silly and laugh until we cry. The ones where we reveal our deepest fears and insecurities, and the other person tells us that we’re great anyway. The ones were we dance through the world together knowing that we have the freedom just to be ourselves.

    So, here are the important lessons after my betrayal, my hiatus, and my re-evaluation of vulnerability.

    Being hurt is never wasted if we take the lessons with us.

    Being hurt is a byproduct of being human. I very much doubt that there is anyone who has passed through the world without experiencing pain.

    The smartest are those who take the lessons with them so they don’t make the same mistake twice, and the strongest are the ones who learn and keep living with an open heart. The most admirable people are able to do both.

    We can’t have genuine connection without authenticity.

    The most meaningful connections are the ones where we reveal a part of ourselves.

    If you tell me that you can build a genuine connection without showing a part of yourself, I will say that’s impossible.

    I would rather remember that being vulnerable takes strength than sit alone in my ivory tower watching the outside world go by. And I would rather be remembered as the girl who cared too much than the one who couldn’t and didn’t build meaningful connections.

    I am not going to be frivolous or foolish with my heart, and though I am learning who to let into it, I will not shut myself down to the two things my soul needs: the freedom to be genuine and live my life, and the capacity to build genuine human connection, whether that’s with friends, romantic interests, or with strangers.

    There is no shame in being hurt, because these hurts can be lessons in disguise. I have learned red flags in other people that I can now recognize better than ever before, and I’ve re-enforced my own non-negotiables and core values.

    Ultimately, even though we shy away from being vulnerable, due in part to our experiences and our defenses to being hurt, being genuine, open, vulnerable perhaps takes the most strength of all.

  • Our Lives Are Measured in Love, Not Numbers

    Our Lives Are Measured in Love, Not Numbers

    “In the end, these are the things that matter most: How well did you love? How fully did you live? How deeply did you let go?” ~Buddha

    Last year my yoga teacher told a story in class about Hanuman, an ancient Hindu god depicted as a monkey. When asked what he was devoted to, Hanuman opened his chest and there were Sita and Ram, sitting on his heart, always with him. He was their greatest devotee.

    The story stuck with me.

    “What do I hold closest to my heart?” I asked myself quite often, and I was not getting the answer I wanted. Where was the dream I held close to my heart? Was I truly devoted to love, joy, and peace, or just appearing to be?

    What I observed was that numbers subtly defined my life.

    Numbers. Money, time, days until, days since, age, weight, calories, date, GPA, mile time, social media likes, followers, lovers, breakups, countries visited, height, miles driven, time left, time passed, books read, books to read, miles run, seconds in a handstand.

    I felt like I was living a quantitative life.

    I enjoy math and I think science is fascinating. Numbers have so much to offer the world, but they should not be playing a role in how we measure the value of our lives.

    Numbers are everywhere, and they offer us an opportunity to look at the decisions we are making. Numbers can help us set goals, assess our progress, and recognize areas for growth.

    There is so much that can be measured in numbers, but this realization offered me an amazing insight.

    Often, a number cannot define what matters most. It has to be expressed with words and felt with the heart.

    Laughter. Connection. Love. Organic, raw experiences. Spontaneity. Forgiveness. Adventure. These are all things that numbers cannot distinguish.

    As a human, it does not matter how old I am; my age is irrelevant if I am happy.

    As a twenty-four-year-old, it does not matter how many relationships I have had that did not work out.

    What matters is that I am willing to feel and open my heart to another person. That I am willing to learn and make mistakes and be grateful for all that has come out of the relationships I have been in. What matters is whether I have been able to forgive others and myself for the mistakes we have made.

    As a traveler, it does not matter the number of countries I have visited.

    What matters are the experiences I have collected under my belt that become the keys to unlock doors I may encounter in the future. What matters are the genuine connections I have made, the laughter I have shared, with people twenty years older and twenty years younger, who speak a different language than me.

    As a social media participant, it does not matter how many likes I get on a photo. What matters is if I am using social media as a platform for authenticity, connection, and positivity.

    As a yoga teacher, it does not matter how many people come to my class. What matters is that my students walk away feeling light and love.

    As a runner, it does not matter if I run for twenty minutes or two hours. What matters is the intention of treating my body as my home, where I live and doing my best to take care of my home.

    As a yogi, it does not matter how long I meditate or can hold a handstand. What matters is union, my breath connecting my body with my mind.

    As a woman, it does not matter how much I weigh. What matters is that I feel healthy. Health is a state of wholeness, happiness, and vibrancy in all aspects of our lives—physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

    The point is not to eliminate numbers, but to be aware of the purpose that they serve.

    Celebrate birthdays. Make countdowns. Set goals. But don’t fall into the habit of defining yourself by your numbers, or comparing yours to someone else’s. Two lives can be equally valuable with completely different sets of measurements.

    Within every human there is a place that is love in its purest form. This is where we store the wishes we place upon pennies before tossing them into fountains. It’s the place where we hold memories that make our eyes sparkle and our hearts beat with joy. The place inside us where we dream big and without fear. It is a love for ourselves and a love for all that is.

    If there is anything that defines us, it is this love.

    Most importantly, numbers are not necessary to define this present moment. We don’t need any math to appreciate the moment we are in right now. Everything is simply as it should be.

  • You Never Know What Someone Is Going Through, So Be Kind

    You Never Know What Someone Is Going Through, So Be Kind

    “Give everyone the benefit of the doubt today…” ~Lori Deschene, Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges

    Here’s something I’ve learned firsthand: No matter how someone looks or acts, you truly never know what’s happening in their lives.

    Five years ago my husband Walter was dying from cancer. Twice during a thirteen-month period he was hospitalized, thirty minutes away from our home.

    I spent about ten hours a day at the hospital, plus travel time during those long weeks. I was a wreck.

    I don’t know what I looked like to the outside world. Inside, I felt impatient, angry, sad, out of my mind with grief, and tired. Still, I had to interact with the world like everyone else.

    I had to put gas in the car, go to the bank, buy dog food, and grocery shop. I had to walk through the world and be polite or wait my turn, when all I wanted to do was break down and cry or yell. Everything felt hard and surreal.

    During those times when Walter was hospitalized I got into a routine. In the morning I would stop at my local coffee shop to get a latte on the way to the hospital.

    For some unknown reason during this time I also started craving banana cream pie—it was a bright spot in my day. On my way home from the hospital I would stop at the pie shop near my house. This routine helped keep me sane.

    What I will never forget about the time period, and what stands out the most, are the small kindnesses that strangers and friends offered me.

    One morning I was running late to get to the hospital, and when I went to get coffee there was a long line—almost out the door.

    I knew my husband would be waiting for me, wondering where I was. I felt really stressed about it.

    Out of desperation I asked the person directly ahead of me in line if they would mind if I went before them because I had to get to the hospital. He said no problem and then asked everyone else in line if I could hop to the front.

    Everyone said yes, even though I’m sure we all needed that morning coffee equally.

    It may sound like a small thing, but I will never forget it. It helped me feel supported, got me on my way, and dropped my stress level down a notch. When you’re already in overwhelm mode, that’s huge.

    At the pie shop, the same woman worked the evening shift during the week. One day, while she was boxing up my piece of pie, she started asking me questions about myself. I gave her a thumbnail sketch of what was happening.

    She handed me the pie that night and wouldn’t take any money or a tip—it was on her, she said.

    Every night after that, she would box-up a super-sized piece of banana cream to go. Again, it might seem like a small thing, but it meant more to me then I can ever explain. In the midst of the bad stuff that was happening there were so many small acts of kindness that filled me with gratitude.

    We really never know what’s going on in someone’s life—what news they might have gotten that day, whether they just lost their job or have a loved one who is ill. That’s why it’s so important to lead with kindness as often as we can.

    Give everyone the benefit of the doubt instead of taking something they say or do personally.

    I know there were times that my reaction to the normal everyday annoyances was way out of proportion to what was actually taking place. I was doing the best that I could at that time to be polite and hold it together.

    Now, whenever I get frustrated or annoyed with someone’s actions, I remind myself that I don’t really know what’s going on in their life. I try to take a breath, not take it personally, and trust that they are doing the best they can.

    You may never know how much a small act of kindness will affect someone.

    I can tell you though that for me, the kindness of strangers and friends kept me going during one of the worse times of my life—they were a lifeline. I continue to remember them and will for the rest of my life. I truly believe acts of good will last a lifetime.

  • Why Playing Hard to Get Doesn’t Work (and What Does)

    Why Playing Hard to Get Doesn’t Work (and What Does)

    Happy Couple

    “Confidence isn’t ‘They will like me.” It’s ‘I’m perfectly fine if they don’t.’ ” ~Unknown

    After the death of my husband, I spent my thirties as a single mother of four children. It was a tough decade. I often felt lonely and frustrated, and dating was a nightmare.

    I constantly gorged on self-help books, hoping that they’d reveal whatever my “problem” was so that I could fix it and finally find the love I so desperately craved.

    Many of these well-intentioned books contained dating tips designed to make someone fall in love with me. They invited me to steal hearts, catch and keep partners, and otherwise engineer my romantic success by adopting certain behaviors considered to be desirable.

    Could it really be as simple as getting off the phone first, not returning a phone call, or saying that I was busy even though I was home folding laundry? Since I really wanted love and it was for the good of all, I thought, “Why not? All’s fair in love and war, right?” The thing is, these strategies never worked for me.

    Perhaps you can relate. You want to share your life with someone, and you’re more than willing to do what it takes to make that happen. Maybe you hope to learn a few easy hacks so that you can check finding love off your to-do list and get on with your life.

    We’d all like to find a fast and easy way to get the things we want, myself included. Unfortunately, looking for the easy way didn’t work for me, and it wasn’t until I accepted that and got down to business that I attained any results worth achieving.

    The problem with relying on dating strategies like these is that they only address behaviors, not beliefs. Your behaviors are important, but it’s your beliefs that drive them.

    If you don’t address the source of your behaviors, lasting change won’t be possible and your behaviors and beliefs won’t be consistent. This is why some people seem “fake” and other people who do the exact same things come off as genuine.

    Many relationship books encourage us to behave in ways that are consistent with having confidence and valuing ourselves highly. If you don’t truly value yourself, acting like you do might mask this fact, but eventually the truth will come out.

    No amount of game playing will turn you into a high-value person. Believing in your own value and acting accordingly will.

    Take an honest look at yourself with a true desire to discover, not criticize yourself. Be loving and gentle with yourself and be curious.

    Are you treating yourself well? Do you establish and keep good boundaries in your relationships and at work? Do you stand up for yourself when you need to? Are you taking good care of your body, finances, and home?

    Listen to the thoughts you have about yourself. Are you kind to yourself in your own mind? Do you beat yourself up constantly? What do you truly believe about your own worth? Whatever your beliefs are, your relationships will eventually reflect them, regardless of which dating strategies you try.

    If you know that you aren’t valuing yourself highly, address that instead of pretending in an attempt to convince someone else to value you. A person of high value will naturally command respect, without counting the minutes until it’s acceptable to return a text or agonizing about whether or not to give someone a call.

    How can you begin to value yourself and show up in the world as a confident person? Will you eat healthy foods? Get enough rest and exercise for your own well-being, not just so that you can look good on dates? How about saying no to working late for the fourth day in a row and cancelling plans with your friends (again)?

    Are you willing to set boundaries for how you will be treated in relationships? What do you do when your date is late, doesn’t call when he or she promised, or is inconsiderate? Do you ignore it and hope they will change or do you address the issue?

    Choosing to treat yourself well isn’t selfish; it’s necessary for a healthy self-esteem. We all value people who are confident and value themselves. People will treat us the way we teach them to. It’s never too late to make a new choice.

    Games like not calling or playing hard to get are intended to help us behave how a naturally confident person would behave. It’s always better to cultivate genuine confidence than it is to fake it. True confidence comes from valuing ourselves.

    Once we reach adulthood, it’s our responsibility to create the lives we wish to lead. Accepting this responsibility can be daunting at times, but it’s one of the most empowering things we can do for ourselves. No one else can do this for us, as much as we wish they could.

    When we step up and decide to lead the best lives possible, commit to being the people we want to become, and refuse to back down when it’s hard, we will value ourselves more highly and inspire others to do the same.

    Ultimately, this is much more rewarding than pretending to be busy on Saturday night and refusing to take phone calls at certain times.

    As for me, I finally learned how to make better choices and found real love instead of relying on tips and tricks. It has made all the difference.

  • Book Giveaway: Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges

    Book Giveaway: Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges

    Book heart

    UPDATE – The winners for this giveaway are:

    • Melissa Ballinger Dees
    • Julie C. Perry
    • Bobby Irion
    • Michael Jon Piper
    • Hannah

    Sometimes the world can feel like a lonely place. There are billions of people on the planet, and many of us encounter hundreds in the course of our daily lives. Yet it’s easy to feel disconnected from most, if not all of them.

    The many strangers we pass on a given day, who may avert their eyes to avoid awkwardness, can start to feel like part of the scenery—like cars parked in a lot or leaves floating in the wind.

    And, of course, we may feel the same to them, when we attempt to busy ourselves right when we cross paths—anything to avoid an intimate moment of locking eyes with someone we don’t know.

    We look at our feet, or our phones, or our friends. We shut down, cave in, tune them out. In that moment, they’re not people, with stories and feelings just like us. They’re strangers. Unknown. And perhaps a little scary.

    The luckiest of us have deep connections with people we do know. But even those relationships can feel distant at times, and maybe more often than not.

    We may feel judged, or misunderstood, or ignored. We may worry about what those people think of us, or wonder if they’ll be there when we need them.

    And worst of all, we may question if they’d still be there if they really knew us, deepest secrets and all. Proximity doesn’t always equal closeness, and closeness doesn’t guarantee trust.

    If it sounds like I am speaking from experience, that’s because I am. I have felt lonely, and insecure, and suspicious. I’ve feared letting my guard down, letting my feelings out, and letting people in.

    As a result, I spent years living on an island in my head, maintaining a physical presence in the world but remaining as much emotional distance as possible.

    The irony is that I thought I was keeping myself safe from pain, when really I was causing it.

    It hurts to feel separate. We are wired to seek connection and belonging—to feel like we are part of something larger than ourselves.

    They say it takes a village to raise a child, but I believe it also takes one to sustain an adult. We were not built to live in isolation, hidden behind apartment doors, phone screens, and dead eyes.

    We thrive when we feel like part of a tribe, when the people we share space with become part of “us,” not “them.”

    I’ve spent my whole life fantasizing about “us,” and years trying to learn what it takes to be part of that.

    I wish I could say I’ve discovered some great secret to forming deep, meaningful relationships and feeling less alone in the world, but that would be a lie.

    I haven’t discovered any one thing that turns strangers into friends, and friends into family. I have, however, identified countless tiny things, which, compounded over time, can make a massive difference.

    And that’s how Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges was born. As you may recall, I launched the book in October of last year.

    I wanted it to be a comprehensive list of small things we can do, every day, to create deep, meaningful connections with the people around us.

    I wanted to offer specific, actionable ways to show kindness, compassion, trust, and support; to be authentic, accepting, forgiving, and encouraging.

    They’re abstract ideas, and not always easy to put into practice, especially when you factor in that other people are flawed and scared, just like us.

    Though I still don’t feel as connected as I’d like to be—a natural consequence of moving every two years for the past sixteen—I no longer live alone on the Alcatraz in my head.

    I have healed relationships from my past, dug beneath the surface with people who would otherwise have remained acquaintances, and most importantly, strengthened my relationship with myself so that I finally believe I am worthy of being loved and fully seen.

    And I feel proud that I’ve created a book that, I’ve been told, has helped other people do the same.

    If you grabbed a copy last year, you may be at the halfway point now—meaning you’ve completed six months of challenges pertaining to kindness, compassion, authenticity, forgiveness, attention, and honesty.

    I’d love to know how this experience has been for you—if you feel more connected, if you’ve strengthened your relationships, or if there have been any other pleasant, unexpected side effects of taking these action steps.

    And if you don’t have a copy, I’d like to offer you a chance to win one today. I’m giving away five autographed books, and all you need to do is leave a comment answering one of the following questions:

    -What is one thing you believe most people want to receive from the people they love?

    -What is one thing you believe most people want to hear from the people they love?

    -What do you think it means to love someone?

    Your comment doesn’t need to be any specific length; in fact, it can be one word. However much you choose to write, know that you are giving all Tiny Buddha readers a gift through your time and effort.

    Whatever you choose to write could inspire someone, guide them toward a life-changing epiphany, or help them form deeper, more meaningful relationships with the people around them.

    Your comment is, in itself, a tiny act of love. And I will be the first to say that I am grateful for it.

    You can enter the giveaway until Wednesday, July 13th, and you can learn more about Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges, or grab a copy, here.

  • 10 Surprising Reasons To Stop Trying To Please Everyone

    10 Surprising Reasons To Stop Trying To Please Everyone

    Girl in darkness

    “Lean too much on other people’s approval and it becomes a bed of thorns.” ~Tehyi Hsieh

    Let’s be honest with each other.

    You’re a people-pleaser

    So am I.

    And so is Oprah, the President of The United States, and the guy next door.

    We’re all people-pleasers to some extent. And that’s okay. Wanting to be approved of—and loved—is as natural as wanting food and shelter.

    It’s when you try to please everyone that it becomes a problem. In fact, more than a problem, a disease. Harriet B. Braiker called it “the disease to please.”

    And it’s making you ill.

    Why?

    Because you want everyone to like you. To love you.

    You dread disapproval. Pleasing everyone seems to be the answer, the safe way to inoculate yourself against conflict and confrontation in relationships, whether family, friends, or work.

    So you fail to speak up, fail to say what’s on your mind, fail to allow yourself to be the real you.

    Instead you become the go-to person:

    • The one who will always take on more work and stay late.
    • The one who will always say yes.

    The one who never says no.

    The Disease To Please

    I know exactly how that feels.

    From what I wore to where I lived, I couldn’t live with anyone’s disapproval, so I spent my days stressing and second-guessing what to do or say.

    But every time I sought someone else’s approval, a little piece of the real me died inside.

    And it made me ill. Which was ironic, as my cure to conflict and rejection of always saying yes never worked anyway, for reasons I’ll explain later.

    Oh, help!

    How was I ever going to make it through life with that much stress and anxiety every day?

    But the alternative seemed impossible. If I gave up saying yes to everyone and every request, if I put my needs before theirs, if I stood up for myself and learned to say no, they’d reject me, surely? There’d be rows, repercussions. They’d disown me.

    The very idea was enough to bring on a panic attack.

    But by now I was literally sick with the constant anxiety and stress over what to say and do, over who to be. I had to do something. So I set out to understand why the disease to please had taken over who I really was, why it consumed me.

    I soon noticed that there were those who seemed immune to this disease. Indeed, many of the people I was constantly trying to please said what they thought, did what they wanted and yet were still popular, loved, respected even.

    And not despite standing up for themselves, but seemingly because of it.

    I started taking notes from them, learning ways to stand up for myself, to give a straightforward answer, to say no. It wasn’t easy at first, and I still need to check myself to stop falling back into my old people-pleasing ways to this day.

    But the amazing thing is, there have been very few rows or repercussions. And far from disowning me, apart from a few people who were better out of my life, I am more liked and respected than I ever was before.

    This week, for instance, I said no to my boss…without passing out in fear! I politely refused to do something I felt strongly was an unfair request. Standing my ground that morning removed a situation that had been hideously stressful for three years.

    And far from falling into a fire pit of angry responses and reprisals, my boss simply respected me the more for speaking out.

    Are you trying to please everyone? Are you afflicted with the disease to please?

    Read on to find out why it will never bring you the approval and love you seek and what to do instead to reclaim the real you and cure yourself.

    Why Trying to Please Everyone Doesn’t Work

    1. You attract people less.

    I had always looked up to anyone who had the strength to go out and be themselves. But all too quickly that admiration would turn to adulation. I found myself never speaking up, always going along with whatever they said and did, the eager puppy on their heels.

    And then, when I looked dispassionately at how they really saw me, there was one overriding word that hit me—weak. Strong people seek strong people to be around, so it was not surprising they were polite but always chose their true friends elsewhere.

    2. You love yourself less.

    Because those very people you wanted to admire, respect, and love you now reject you, you tell yourself that you cannot be a lovable person. In desperation you increase your people-pleasing behavior and it becomes a depressing spiral.

    The gap from the way you act to the way you really want to act widens with every people-pleasing act. This leaves you feeling disappointed and ashamed of who you have become.

    3. You become more manipulative.

    I would often feel resentful when a friend or colleague was asking for yet one more favor. They seemed to be manipulating me, taking advantage. Boy, that was hurtful.

    But you know, once I’d looked logically at the way they treated me, I realized it was more down to the way I’d treated them. I’d set the rules for their behavior toward me. I’d been the one to say, “Hey, that’s absolutely okay, go ahead.”

    In reality, I’d actually been the one doing the manipulating. Gulp!

    4. You’re seen as less trustworthy.

    Always agreeing or saying the “right thing” seems to be well-intentioned, but however you dress it up, hiding what you think isn’t telling the truth. And as humans we hear alarm bells when we sense that someone is being false.

    It might seem like just a little white lie to flatter someone’s ego, but would you trust someone who only ever told you what you wanted to hear? Someone who hid their true feelings?

    5. You end up with less confidence.

    People find you untrustworthy because you only tell them what they want to hear, so they are hesitant to confide in you. So you never know what they are really thinking either, which leads you to feel less confident in dealing with them.

    6. You end up with fewer friends.

    Trying to please everyone is rooted in the fear of rejection. The irony is, because you end up seeming less attractive and less trustworthy, the very people you are trying to get approval from are often the people who reject you. Maybe not to your face, but in their hearts.

    Without intimacy, relationships wither and die. And no one wants to be intimate or vulnerable with someone who hides their true feelings.

    8. You end up with the worst of both worlds.

    And what happens if you are trying to please two people who do not like each other? If you ingratiate yourself with one person and offer friendship, how do you now please that other person without un-pleasing the first? How do you decide who to please?

    It ends with up both of them disliking you as they believe you must be betraying them behind their backs. Who wants a two-faced friend?

    9. You become more resentful.

    I have found this out for myself: you end up resenting the very people you’re trying to please. You feel they are taking advantage of you. However, when you are being honest, you also beat yourself up for trying to get them to like you by putting their needs before your own.

    You imagine they only like you because you say yes to their every whim. And in truth, you have no real way of knowing whether this is true or not, so you become more and more resentful of them.

    9. You hate the things you used to love.

    Again, this is something I found from personal experience. For instance you may love cooking, maybe making cup cakes. So you offer to cook some as a way of getting love and appreciation.

    But soon you are either cooking them all the time for one person or, once again, you become the go-to person and you end up cooking them for everyone. What used to be an enjoyable pastime now becomes a chore you hate.

    And you’re not even sure any more if people actually like your cup cakes or if they are just seen as something free and easy they don’t need to put any effort into. Which is how you think they see your relationship with them.

    10. You fail to please the one person that matters.

    But the most important reason to stop trying to please everyone has nothing to do with everyone and everything to do with just one person—you.

    Trying to please everyone is tied into the fear of rejection and the fear of failure. But the biggest failure in life is failing to be yourself. And the biggest rejection in life is rejecting yourself.

    By trying to please everyone, you make both these fears come true.

    Cure Yourself Of The Disease To Please

    Trying to please everyone is a disease.

    Learning to be the real you, to stand up for yourself, to say no, is the only cure.

    Make a promise to yourself to start today.

    Gently and with kindness, tell just one person no. .

    Not everyone will like or love the real you, and that’s okay. You can cope; you are stronger than you think.

    Because when you stop seeking the approval of others, you’ll find that you never needed it in the first place.

    The world doesn’t need another insincere people-pleaser, the world needs the real you.

    So step up and let the real you shine.

    The world’s approval is waiting for you.

  • Why We Don’t Need to Apologize So Often & How to Do It Well When We Do

    Why We Don’t Need to Apologize So Often & How to Do It Well When We Do

    “The ability to apologize sincerely and express regret for the unskillful things we say or do is an art. A true apology can relieve a great deal of suffering in the other person.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    My life has been full of apologies. I’ve been on both the receiving and giving end of the good, the bad, and the ugly apology.

    Just recently a dear friend who I hadn’t connected with in a long time reached out and asked if we could meet for coffee. I sort of backhandedly blew her off and told her I would try to meet her later that same day. I had already made plans to run with another friend, but I chose not to share this.

    After my run, I invited my running buddy to coffee and ran into my other friend. It was awkward. We hung out and all had coffee together, but there was an uncomfortable vibe between us the entire time.

    Later that day I texted my friend, apologized, and told her I should’ve been honest about my reason for rejecting her invitation. Yes, you read that correctly—I texted my apology! Owning our mistakes is hard, and I’m working on getting better in this area.

    On the other hand, I’m learning there’s a difference between apologizing for a mistake and apologizing for being human.

    Recently there has been a social media meme outlining the power of shifting our word choice from “I’m sorry” to “thank you.” For example, instead of saying “I’m sorry for being such a mess,” say “Thank you for loving me unconditionally.” This type of apology suggests that our word choice is powerful and that we can choose words that empower rather than degrade.

    Apologies are hard.

    By definition an apology is an acknowledgement of an offense, failure, or disappointment. Anytime we are faced with having to apologize we either must acknowledge our own offense or step into holding space for another person’s disappointment. In our culture, we aren’t taught to do either of those very well.

    On the other hand, apologies can be incredibly powerful healing tool connecting us to our own human experience, as well as other people.

    An apology gives us the opportunity to practice humility and step into vulnerability and out of shame. So, the question becomes: How can we master the art of the apology in an effort to heal ourselves, our relationships, and the global community? Below I offer simple, actionable ways we can embrace this art.

    The “It’s Not Me, It’s You” Apology

    No one wants to feel like they’ve been a schmuck, and as a result, we often try to turn the fault or blame back on to someone else so that we don’t feel the shame often associated with owning our mistake.

    Mistakes and subsequent apologies are hallowed ground for so much learning, grace, and humility. When we shy away from these places, we stay stuck in our own pain and shame.

    Recently I had an exchange with a friend after we had awkward conversation between us. My friend seemed upset and distant, but I didn’t know what had happened. After asking her what was up, she replied that yes, she was upset. She went on to explain what had happened to upset her and apologized for her bad behavior.

    After hearing this I felt genuinely saddened about what she was feeling and began to understand why she had taken such a caustic tone with me.

    Unfortunately, as quickly as she apologized she tossed it back onto me and said that it was my fault she had acted that way, and if it weren’t for me she wouldn’t have been so mean.

    She used the “I’m sorry, but you…” apology style. Rather than create a space of mutual understanding and an opportunity for healing, she continued with the same caustic tone and pushed the responsibility for the situation back on to me. Naturally, I felt awful that, in her view, I was 100% responsible for her angst.

    This posturing left very little room for any reconciliation without getting into a back and forth exchange of grievances. Not liking the options of taking full responsibility or continuing to engage in a ping-pong of blame, I thanked her for letting me know how she felt and moved on.

    We are not required to engage in or accept a blame-based apology. We can simply, and in love, move on. On the other hand, if you find yourself using the “But, you… apology,” realize that you could be damaging a relationship by staying stuck in your own ego’s need to be blameless.

    When an apology is followed by a “but” and an explanation it negates the apology and doesn’t feel genuine or as if the individual is invested in seeing the opportunity to resolve, Rather, it seems they’re trying to shun any responsibility they have in the situation.

    Eliminate the Explanation

    The “explanation apology” is similar to the “it’s you, not me apology,” but rather than shifting the blame to another person, we offer excuses or try to explain all the reasons our apology is good enough. It often comes from a place of feeling ashamed of our humanness.

    For example, I think most of us can relate to saying things we don’t mean when we’ve been drinking. Many years ago, when my husband and I were just dating, we got into a booze-infused argument, and I called him a nasty name I typically reserve for my ex-husband. Even in my tipsy state I could see the hurt in his eyes. I felt so ashamed, but at the moment couldn’t bring myself to apologize.

    The next day I apologized and let him know that’s not how I felt about him. It would have been easy to explain why I had said something hurtful by blaming the booze or a variety of other things that would take the spotlight off my own careless words. I decided instead to own my bad behavior, and it was humbling, but owning it planted the seed for a healthy relationship to grow.

    Mistakes are part of the human condition. Noticing when we are defaulting to feelings of shame for our humanness by either excusing or avoiding saying sorry can help us grow into more compassionate people. It can become a beautiful opportunity to reclaim our right to be human and make slipups.

    If you do feel compelled to add something to your apology, perhaps a statement that affirms the other person would be a kinder choice.

    When It’s Not Necessary to Say Sorry

    Earlier I mentioned the popular social media meme going around suggesting we trade our “sorry’s” for “thank you’s.” This enables us to shift from guilt to gratitude in situations where we’ve done nothing wrong.

    I have been a yoga teacher for many years, and it’s industry practice to reach out to another teacher and ask them to sub your class. One time a fellow teacher called to ask if I could sub for her. Unfortunately, I wasn’t available, so I apologized and began listing off all the reasons I couldn’t help. I felt guilty and thought I needed to defend my answer.

    In retrospect, I realize I could have simply said, “Thank you for thinking of me. I’m flattered! Unfortunately, I won’t be able to teach for you this time, but hopefully I’ll be able to next time!”

    Noticing what you’re apologizing for and when is a beautiful way to bring mindfulness to our everyday conversations. It also helps us keep apologies for the things we do that genuinely require regret.

    At the same time, it gives us permission to give ourselves a break. It can be easy to get in the habit of beating yourself up and apologizing for everything. Intentionally setting the tone of a situation to be one of grace and kindness can elevate the consciousness of the individuals and allow both parties a breath of relief in acknowledging the imperfect perfection of any moment.

    I was having this discussion with the female inmates I teach yoga to once a week, and they recognized how empowering it felt not to own things that result in them immediately feeling dis-empowered, the victim, or bad person of a situation. They could see how insignificant apologies were keeping them oppressed.

    Keep It Simple – I’m Sorry. Period.

    When we find ourselves in the position where an apology is the best choice, there is no replacement for the two simple words: I’m sorry.

    Stopping at these two simple words prevents us from coming from a place of pride and ego, and it gives the other person permission to simply feel whatever it is they are feeling without us trying to soothe it or fix it.

    Instead of being shamed by apologies or letting your ego get in the way of an opportunity for growth, I encourage you to see these as sacred opportunities to embrace the human condition and help heal yourself and others.

  • 3 Relationship Myths (and Why We Need to Stop Believing Them)

    3 Relationship Myths (and Why We Need to Stop Believing Them)

    “Love isn’t always perfect. It isn’t a fairytale or a storybook. And it doesn’t always come easy. Love is overcoming obstacles, facing challenges, fighting to be together, holding on and never letting go.” ~Unknown

    When I started dating, I idealized love. I had many false notions about relationships, which I formed from my friends, watching movies, and reading romance novels. Many of the beliefs I had about how relationships should work caused me pain and disappointment because reality turned out to be different from what I expected.

    Dating became a journey of resetting my expectations and letting go of false beliefs. In order for me to find love, I had to let go of the myths I had around relationships.

    Myth #1: Opposites attract and make for more lasting long-term relationships.

    I found myself drawn to men who were very different from me during my early stages of dating. They were the stereotypical bad boys who rebelled against authority, the ones with a wild independent streak who were emotionally unstable.

    These were the type of men I was attracted to. They made my life exciting and helped me expand my boundaries. I thought opposites would create a balanced relationship, making for an ideal union.

    Luckily for me, none of them worked out. Looking back, it would have made for a bumpy, unstable relationship.

    We’re fascinated by people who are unlike us because they represent parts of ourselves that we’d like to let out and explore. We tell our friends we can’t help who we are attracted to, but often we are attracted to people who are wrong for us.

    While it’s true that we can complement each other with some differences—if, for example, one person is more laid back and the other is more Type A—couples who are more similar have longer lasting relationships than those who are complete opposites.

    Dating someone similar means we get the support and validation for our core life values. There will be fewer disagreements on the most important issues and opinions that shape our lives.

    Core life values may be spiritual, religious, social, family, and health-related. Taking a closer look at what you prioritize in your life and where you invest your time will tell you your values.

    This also means that having similarities lead to more positive feelings because of the reciprocity rule in relationships: we like others who are like us.

    It’s exciting to date someone who is the opposite of you at the beginning. But as the relationship progresses two people with different life values will start to separate and head down different paths.

    Opposites attract like strong magnets for the short term, but if you’re looking for the long term, it’s similar core life values that will keep you together.

    Myth #2: You should be honest about your deal breakers upfront to save time.

    The other day I went to lunch with one of my friends, who is a serial dater with profiles on three different dating sites. He dates several women at a time and sometimes goes on three dates a day.

    When he tells me how the first dates went, it usually starts with the women initiating several rounds of questions, which then turns the date into a mate interview.

    Are you close to your family?

    Have you been married before?

    How many kids do you want?

    I know I have done the mate interview on a first date before, so I understand why these women were questioning him early on.

    When I was tired of just dating, and looking to get married, a friend told me to be open and upfront about it, because “you don’t want to waste your time with him, so you want to make sure you are on the same page. And if your honesty scares him then he is not the right person for you.”

    This piece of advice could not have been more wrong.

    Yes, it’s important to be honest and be on the same page for a sustainable long-term relationship, but letting them know all of your standards and requirements on the first couple of dates is just too much information.

    No one wants to waste time in relationships, but interviewing someone shows that you’re more interested in getting what you want from them than getting to know them.

    When I was trying to figure out if they would make a good parent or partner, I was screening them and testing them. I went from having fun and being lighthearted on the date to turning into an interrogator. I was limiting myself to a small pool of candidates who were ready to answer these kinds of questions, thereby limiting my chances at finding love.

    By being upfront about your deal breakers, you may not even find yourself in a relationship in the first place, because you quickly screened out perfectly good people who had the capacity to be a devoted partner but didn’t show it on the first date.

    Myth #3: Having conflict in a relationship means you’re headed for a breakup.

    I am terrified of conflicts or any type of disagreements, which is probably why one of my strengths is the ability to always find agreement in groups, no matter how much they differ in opinions.

    I formerly believed that fighting meant you’re not compatible with each other and it won’t work out. This was why I thought that love meant never having to fight and I was terrified of conflicts.

    In my earlier relationships I dealt with fights by ignoring them, pretending they didn’t happen, and stonewalling, where I just didn’t communicate or just walked away. I thought the problem would just disappear and we could return to a normal state of things, as if it never happened.

    I remember when I suppressed my feelings, I experienced random outbursts of crying because I was so frustrated with pent up emotions inside that I would eventually crumble at the slightest stress.

    After reading a lot of self-help books and talking to my friends, I figured out that avoidance was not healthy for me, nor the relationship. It dawned on me that because everyone is unique, our differences will lead to disagreements and conflicts.

    When you are choosing to be with someone in a relationship you are choosing a unique set of problems that cannot be solved. It’s important to learn how to deal with it, because conflicts can bring you both closer afterward.

    So I learned that having conflict is actually healthy for a relationship. It shows that you are being honest about issues that are important to you rather than headed for a breakup.

    —

    Changing my view on these three beliefs altered my success in dating. It helped me to grow to have more realistic views of love and be more aware of how much my mindset impacts how I define what love is. I hope shattering these relationship myths helps you as well.

  • Do You Constantly Think and Worry About Your Relationships?

    Do You Constantly Think and Worry About Your Relationships?

    “When you say ‘yes’ to others, make sure you’re not saying ‘no’ to yourself.” ~Paulo Coelho

    Sometimes it’s easy to define ourselves by our roles and relationships.

    We can look at ourselves as a daughter, or someone’s employee, or so in so’s husband. These things mean a lot to us, and we often subconsciously use a variety of behaviors and mental constructs to protect these roles and relationships.

    It can take form in innocuous ways, like buying clothes you don’t really want or feigning interests in order to fit in. (Go sports team!) But it also affects more serious things, like how we view ourselves, what we think we’re capable of, and what goals we pursue.

    A common theme in movies is the mid-lifer who suddenly realizes they’ve made all of their decisions in life to please other people. It’s reflected in the zeitgeist so often for a reason—because it’s a common occurrence, and an easy trap to fall into.

    My realization that I was doing this started taking shape with several ah-ha moments over the last several years, but it became palpable during an entrepreneurial workshop almost a year ago.

    We all were assigned a personality test to take at home before returning the next morning. Mine said something like: You think with your heart and are excellent at building thriving relationships.

    I thought that was a lovely-sounding result, but the next morning I got a bit of a jolt from the woman putting on this portion of the workshop.

    “Ah, you’re a blue!  You constantly think about yourself in relation to everyone else.”

    “I do not,” I replied, embarrassed.

    “But you do. What are you thinking about when you fall asleep at night?  Your relationships. You wonder if everyone’s okay. You wonder how you affect others. You wonder what they think of you.”

    I must have been nodding, because she said, “See? That’s thinking about yourself in relation to everyone else. Their approval means a lot to you, and that’s how it manifests in your mind.”

    That irritated me in a huge way.

    I ignored her for the rest of the day, fuming about how someone could say something so mean—and because of a silly little test that didn’t say anything about wanting approval! I was still thinking about it when I got home, all riled up with indignance.

    Then it hit me. I’m a fan of Jungian psychology. I’m not an expert or anything, but I like the way that dude thinks.

    He espouses the philosophy that our irritations and overreactions point to key truths about ourselves; when something or somebody really gets to us, it could be because it’s pointing to a truth about ourselves that we don’t want to see.

    I had noted people-pleasing tendencies before, and I had made great strides! I no longer fake-laughed at things that I didn’t find funny.

    I no longer thought of others, or their judgments, when making personal style decisions. And I no longer cared about being as thin as others, after struggling with eating disorders for years.

    These things were a big deal to me, and it took focused effort to make these changes. I thought I was done! Then some random person goes pointing out the other-focused thought constructs in my brain like she can see them? What the what, man? Pssssch.

    I tried to ignore it. Tried to pretend that it wasn’t there. But once something like that is pointed out, life tends to keep pointing it out to you.

    I eventually leaned in and decided to do something about it. I’m a lover of meditation and mindfulness in all forms, so invented a mindfulness game of it.

    I started watching my mind for other-oriented thoughts, and then I imagined shooting them down with the gun from the 80’s Nintendo game, Duck Hunt. Pew! Pew! I shoot them thoughts right down:

    Imagining an argument with a family member: Pew! Pew!


    Comparing myself to someone else: Pew! Pew!


    Wondering how I’d explain myself for doing something: Pew! Pew!


    Overanalyzing lack of reactions to my Facebook post: Pew! Pew!

    (A few things that don’t count: non-judgmental relationship reflection, hoping people are happy, and forgiving others and myself.)

    It might sound silly, and maybe for you it would be, but for me, it’s worked wonders.

    It’s helped me find my center. I feel like my whole life I’ve been off, getting tossed about in the storm of others’ wishes, real or imagined; flung around in subtle manipulations, others’ or mine; and thrashed into the ground by judgments, spoken or merely assumed.

    The benefits of cultivating a centered perspective like this are immense. For one thing, it leaves us free to cultivate inner-direction—to focus on the things that really matter to us, the things that we love to spend time on, the things that make us sparkle.  

    I’ve discovered that we can adopt a centered-perspective as homebase. It had been there the whole time, this calm and peaceful mind, this quiet in the eye of the storm.

    I had frequently visited it, usually while meditating, or by way of painting, or even via chore lists done in a zen-like fashion; but we can learn to operate from this place all the time.

    My mind still swerves into the storm, but less and less. It’s noticeable, and feels odd, far from being a filter for life or a perspective to see it from, like it was before.

    And once we spot mental constructs in this way, we stop identifying with them, and they can’t sweep us up like they used to. They lose power as new neural pathways are created, bringing with them new ways of thinking and of approaching life.

    Try to spot your other-focused mental constructs going forward. Recognize when you’re dwelling on arguments, comparing yourself to others, or looking for their approval, and shift your focus back to yourself. Find your center.

    Know that you’re more than how you affect the people around you. You’re more than what other people think of you. If you can focus a little less on who you are in relation to everyone else, like me, you might find yourself less stressed and far more fulfilled.

  • What to Do When You’re Having Trouble Making New Friends

    What to Do When You’re Having Trouble Making New Friends

    “The measure of intelligence is the ability to change.” ~Albert Einstein

    I’m sitting on the couch by myself watching Dexter reruns on Netflix. But I can hardly focus on the show. I’m freaking out because I still haven’t made any friends, even though I moved here over a month ago.

    I keep thinking to myself: “Will all my Saturdays look like this?” “Will I actually be able to make new friends and build that social circle I was so excited to have?”

    Let me rewind just a bit.

    It’s a hot and sunny summer day in Southern California.

    After hours of Tetris-like packing, my Toyota Corolla is packed to the brim with everything I consider important. My guitar amp has clothes stuffed in the back of it. Even my snowboard is upside down, forming to the shape of the roof.

    I should be exhausted from packing, but I’m not. I’m beaming. Smiling from ear to ear, I can’t wait to start a new chapter in my life.

    With a new promotion in hand, I am given the task of opening a new office in Santa Fe, New Mexico. I have never even been to New Mexico before, but I am ecstatic to meet new people and create new life experiences. So I hop in my car and make the fifteen-hour drive to begin my new adventure.

    I’ve arrived in New Mexico, and I am high on life in the high desert of Santa Fe.

    Life is great. I’m loving the delicious, authentic New Mexican food and the warm monsoons with crazy lightning. I’m spending my time getting to know the wonderful city of Santa Fe.

    More than a month goes by and, just as monsoon season is ending, I’m all settled in and enjoying my job. However, the excitement of making new friends and living the dream is starting to disappear. Actually, it’s starting to turn into fear.

    I’ve never felt so lonely in my life.

    Day after day, anxiety slowly grows deep inside my body. When will I start to make new friends? Will I ever even make any friends here?

    The fear of loneliness is eating me alive. Especially because I didn’t think that this would be a problem at all. But it’s making it hard for me to focus on anything but my inability to make friends.

    I know that if I want to meet new people and make friends that it is up to me. I need to take action and be proactive. The only problem is that I don’t really know how.

    But I try anyway.

    I muster up the motivation to go to a public pub crawl on a Saturday night and tell myself that I am going to turn things around and move toward my social goals. When I finally realize at the end of the night that I only spoke to one person the entire time, it only deepens the pain and stress.

    As bad as it seemed and felt, some good things were taking root even though I didn’t know it at the time. I had been on a self-help kick for quite some time and was constantly reading and doing what I could to improve my life.

    By some stroke of luck and beautiful timing, I got my hands on the book Yes Man by Danny Wallace. In it, recently single Danny was falling into isolation and loneliness until he decided to say yes to everything, and in the book he recounts the events that unfolded.

    In short, he met tons of new people, did a bunch of crazy things, and had one hell of an adventure.

    I read the entire book in one day—quite a feat for me. I may not have known it at the time, but this was a pivotal moment in my life. It fundamentally changed my beliefs and the way I look at life.

    I was missing opportunities left and right.

    My problem wasn’t an unwillingness to do new things; my problem was how picky I was being about the things I chose to do. I would turn down going to music in the Santa Fe Plaza because, “eh, that music doesn’t seem to interest me.” I would turn down an invite to hang out with someone because, “he didn’t seem that cool.”

    But then, after reading Yes Man and deciding that I need to be way more open to new experiences and new people, I decided to be much less picky.

    I hung out with a forty-year-old Texan I met through email and went to a strange and interesting event called Zozobra. I went to a college football game in Albuquerque (definitely not my wheelhouse) and to the Santa Fe Wine and Chile Festival. I also played darts with some people in the back of a cigar club.

    On a Monday evening around 8:00 PM, rather than calling it a night and turning down an offer to go to a BBQ at a friend of a friend’s house, I went. But it wasn’t easy. I still had all those thoughts running through my head: “it’s late,” “you’re tired,” “you have work tomorrow,” “just go next time,” yada yada yada.

    This time, though, I decided to say yes. Even with the knowledge that I had to find my way around the ridiculous streets of Santa Fe, which don’t seem to make any sense whatsoever.

    When I arrive, the friend that invited me meets me out front and shows me in. He introduces me to the hostess who was throwing the BBQ. Fortunately, I’m welcomed with open arms.

    I’m offered dinner, but go straight to dessert (5:00PM is much closer to my dinner time). I sit down at the table and start to talk with a group of six people. I get to know them and they get to know me.

    They seemed cool, although I didn’t think they were anything special. I got a couple numbers at the end of the night and went home.

    The seeds are sown.

    Over the next month, I slowly started to hang out with these new people. One of them invited me to go bowling with his friends. Another invited me to get drinks with some people.

    The momentum kept building and eventually I met a bunch of new people and was doing new things regularly. Before I knew it, I had a core group of five really good friends, and was talking to and hanging out with many others. Things were finally starting to turn around.

    Even though I didn’t think they were anything special right when I first met them, they ended up being some of the most amazing people I’ve ever met. Truly great friends—the type that bring soup to your house during their lunch break when you’re sick.

    Had I continued to judge people before getting to know them, I would never have made the friends I did. Coming from Southern California, I had a much different style and culture than the people I met. I could have easily just asked, “are these really people I want to become friends with?”

    Or, after meeting everyone at the BBQ, I could have shrugged them off and not hung out with them the following times.

    Well, deciding to say yes was the best decision of my life. It’s been almost four years since I left Santa Fe and moved back to So Cal, and I’m still good friends with those people. I’ll even see many of them at my wedding in September.

    This whole process taught me so much. Particularly, that it’s the person on the inside that is much more important than what you see on the outside. The person that you get to know over time, not in the first few minutes you meet them.

    And I’m not saying that just to be sweet and nice. People that I would have typically judged as “not my type” ended up being some of the coolest people I have ever met. Those are things you don’t realize the first time you meet someone.

    What Saying Yes Looks Like

    When people are inviting you to do things with them, you want to be reactively saying yes. Otherwise, you will need to be proactively saying yes by finding your own opportunities to meet people.

    Proactively say yes: Be proactive and find new things to do, while doing your best to meet new people when you are doing them. This can be joining a book club, an adult-league soccer team, or a weekly board game meet up. It can be volunteering or seeing a band at a local bar.

    It can also mean finding people online and emailing them, or going to the disc-golf course and pairing up with others. The goal is to find new experiences where you can meet new people, and then say yes to yourself by going!

    Reactively say yes: When people invite you to do different things with them, say yes. Although you might not be sure if you really like the person yet, or you don’t think the event or activity is something you’d have a lot of fun doing, do it anyway. And do it with the intent of getting to know the people you go with and meeting new people while you’re there.

    Being open to new experiences and new people changed my life dramatically for the better. If you are having trouble making new friends, wherever you are, you might want to consider saying yes more often.

  • How to Prevent Fear and Insecurity from Ruining Your Relationship

    How to Prevent Fear and Insecurity from Ruining Your Relationship

    “Everything you want is on the other side of fear.” ~Jack Canfield

    Buried deep within the broken heart of every great loss is a nugget of wisdom. I experienced the greatest grief of my life just a few months ago, and with it came an opportunity to uncover ugly truths about myself I’d been hiding from.

    In facing my pain, I have discovered that underneath the conscious, big-hearted, beautiful person that I am lives a small girl who is terrified of being misunderstood and abandoned by those she loves most.

    The surface signs alerting me to these fears looked something like this:

    My boyfriend and I are lying in bed reading one night. His mind is lit up in fiction while my soul is on fire with a spiritual book. We have often shared these evenings with one another, smiling and supportive.

    This night I want more. I want him to be as excited about this chakra healing book as I am. I want him to crawl into my body and feel everything I’m feeling and see everything the way I’m seeing it.

    I think he can feel me wanting more, and it freaks him out. He energetically hides in the bushes, further away than I’ve ever felt him go, and I panic.

    The warning signs that go off in my body read: IF HE DOESN’T GET THIS HE IS GOING TO LEAVE YOU. DO YOU HEAR ME?! YOU ARE GOING TO END UP ALONE.

    I don’t actually hear those words, I just feel a need to push my feelings onto him and basically tell him he’s wrong for not feeling the way I do. He looks at me with big, helpless eyes and responds:

    “I think it’s okay that we’re different.”

    I stare blankly back at him while an inner struggle ensues. I can feel my ego fighting. It wants to win. It wants him to see things my way. It wants to be right. It wants him to be just like me.

    But I know better.

    I move from my head to my heart, and I know it’s okay that we are different. What is important is that we love each other, respect each other, and support each other. So I melt into his arms with a smile, an apology, and a “You’re right.”

    But I don’t let him be right. That night I do, but every incident after that I don’t. And he never says it again. He never reminds me that it’s okay that we’re different.

    So the other times, later on, when he doesn’t see things the same way as me, the warning signals go off, and no one reminds me that it’s okay. So I panic, and I spin the fear into all kinds of stories that justify me bullying him into being like me. All because I’m afraid he is going to leave me.

    And he did leave me.

    There are many ways I could tell the Leaving Me story, but the truth is that it’s as complicated as human beings are. One part of it, the part I take responsibility for and the part I’m focusing on here, is that I fought his perspectives that were different from my own, leading him to feel like he couldn’t be himself with me.

    I did this because I was afraid to lose him. I was afraid that if we were different in some big ways maybe we wouldn’t make it. I felt safe when we were agreeable and felt unsafe when his thoughts differed from mine.

    But I was safe. I am always safe. A part of me knows this, but the part of me that comes to life when the fear arises is the part of me that needs a reminder. I didn’t know I needed to be reminded at the time. I didn’t even know I was doing it at the time.

    But now I know. I just needed those simple words, “It’s okay.”

    It’s okay that we’re different.

    He is someone who doesn’t know how to fight for himself. It’s not something I understood about him at the time, but I see it now.

    I am strong in my conviction. I am forthright. I speak my feelings decisively and with ease. He sweats and stutters, but mostly he shuts down.

    I suspect he shuts down because he is afraid. He is afraid of losing himself, but really he is afraid that I won’t love him for who he truly is. He doesn’t trust that he can speak up, that he can challenge me, that he can tell me it’s okay and that I’ll believe him.

    The tragedy is that I don’t know it. Neither of us knows it, really. We’re blind to our shadows, only seeing our own reflections after we’re over.

    I don’t know he is shutting down because he’s scared, and I don’t know I am trying to make him see things my way because I’m afraid. It’s all this delicate dance that happens backstage, until one day he tells me he doesn’t feel like he can be himself with me, and everything comes crumbling down.

    You might be thinking that we were too different, and maybe the truth is that I should be with someone who can share my excitement about chakras. I don’t know.

    I do know I loved him more deeply than I’ve ever loved.

    I know that our relationship was the healthiest, most beautiful relationship I’ve ever experienced.

    I know that I messed up by not letting him be him completely, and I know that he messed up by not sharing his true feelings with me.

    That is a lesson, yes. But there is a deeper lesson, and it’s a lesson about fear.

    I acted controlling because his differences triggered my fear of abandonment, a nerve that runs all the way through my heart and back into my childhood. The irony isn’t wasted on me that my reaction to my fear inevitably created the very thing I was attempting to avoid. And that is the lesson.

    When we act from fear we begin our journey to the guillotine.

    Fear hides behind many guises, ruining plenty of love lives.

    We’re afraid we’re unworthy of love, so we push our partner away when things get too intimate. We’re afraid to be abandoned, so we try to control the relationship or smother our partner. We’re afraid we won’t be accepted as we are, so we don’t show our true selves. 

    We act from fear when we’re too busy to pay attention, when we’re too stressed to slow down, when we make assumptions instead of asking questions. The very thing we are afraid of often becomes our reality when we live from our fears. It’s an act of self-sabotage.

    Relationships are a beautiful opportunity to see ourselves more clearly, but we each have to be looking. You have to be willing to see you, and your partner must be willing to see them. And this all needs to move very slowly, very delicately, and very lovingly. It’s the way we make it through.

    Fear has a million different faces, but your soul always knows the way. When you feel your body tense, when your voice rises, when you begin to shut down, when you begin to explode, when you run away, when you shake with anxiety, your body is telling you.

    Slow down in those moments. Breathe. Let your breath open you up into the vulnerable space of love, and let it cocoon you until you can step out from that place.

    Tell your partner all about it. Tell them about your fears, your discovery of your fears, and how they can help you through it. But don’t put it all on them. This is your work, and this is a practice, one that you have to keep coming back to over and over again.

    You might need some gentle nudges along the way. It’s okay to be different. But if you keep showing up, and if you continue to be willing to see the truth about yourself you will break through the boundary of fear and into the heart of love.

  • 4 Relationship Traps to Avoid & Other Ways to Keep Your Love Strong

    4 Relationship Traps to Avoid & Other Ways to Keep Your Love Strong

    “Love does not obey our expectations; it obeys our intentions.” ~Lloyd Strom

    When I started dating, I did a terrible job of it.

    I fell in love at the turn of a unique smile and fell out of it with the first sign of a stubborn bad habit. Despite that, I was a serial monogamist. I didn’t know how to develop the mental fortitude one needed to end things when they were ready to be ended, so I let them crawl on.

    Teenage emotions are hard. Adult ones are hard, too.

    Three years, four years, three and a half years—I spent a full decade of my life, most of my twenties, in frustrating relationships that had started out as the loves of my life and turned into apathetic slogs of sharing rent and little else.

    I thought it meant I was stable. I thought not giving up said I could handle the difficulties of real life, marriage, and everything that came with it.

    The truth was I didn’t like to give up, so I tried to make each relationship perfect.

    In doing so, I made myself worse.

    Boyfriends and I would always fight: Why wouldn’t they help with dinner? Why wouldn’t they ever get off the computer? Why wouldn’t they try to get a better job?

    Sometimes, my complaints were legitimate, and they should have addressed them. But I didn’t do a good job of communicating those things even when they were.

    The more boyfriends failed to live up to my expectations, the more frustrated, angry, and hurt I’d get. Instead of realizing that we just weren’t right for one another, I drove myself down with constant, anxious questions: Why doesn’t he care enough about me to even eat dinner with me?

    With each relationship, my self-esteem dropped proportionately. By the end of the last one, before my now-fiancé and I started dating, I’d started taking anxiety medication, gained weight, and developed a deep nervousness in social situations from lack of being in them.

    I’d changed from someone who was happy with herself to someone who accepted whatever was on offer. I lost both my self-respect and my ability to confidently love another person in the process.

    I had never wanted my life to be like that. I wanted synergy; I wanted to be one-half of a power couple. Sadly, it took me many years, and many stagnant relationships, to do something about it.

    The Problem with My Serial Monogamy

    Toward the end of my last failed relationship, I realized that all of these relationships followed the same structure: I was madly in love, it faded, we argued all the time, I cried a lot, they ignored me a lot, we inevitably said something we regretted, it ended much too late.

    And I was tired of it. I hated feeling like we’d both come out worse from a relationship than better. Relationships are supposed to be synergistic; they’re meant to take two people and create something stronger than each person was individually.

    If you’re going to be in one, it should be something that makes you greater.

    That’s what I wanted: something proactive, intensive—something we both learned from, even if it didn’t last. I wanted to grow with my partner, whether it be growing old together or just growing stronger before parting.

    So my most recent ex (the only one I’m still friends with) and I ended our relationship the best way we knew how, and I set off on a mission. For the next nine months of my life, I was on a quest to figure out how I could have that synergistic, intentional love.

    I researched the best way I knew how: I Googled “How to have a good relationship.”

    (You can laugh.)

    The Internet has a lot of crazy ideas on how to answer that question. Of all the crap I sifted through, three suggestions have held. They’ve shown me how to love with intention—how to build a sound foundation so the relationship doesn’t crumble at the first fight.

    Relationship Mission Statements

    I’m a Ravenclaw-Capricorn-ENFP, so I love writing things out. Despite also having a business degree, it never occurred to me that mission statements could be for more than businesses and non-profits. Guess what: You can write one for a relationship, too.

    And unlike businesses, the value of a relationship mission statement isn’t in having something nice to add to your FAQ; it’s in the writing process itself.

    When you write a relationship mission statement, you’re forced to think about what you want to gain from the relationship and what you’re willing to put in. When two people do them together, they can be powerful.

    My fiancé and I did these at the beginning of our relationship. The conversation we had afterward where we both talked about our statements together was invaluable because, before there was ever any awkwardness and before there were any fights or hurt feelings, we both knew what we wanted and where we wanted to go.

    On a personal level, it showed me my own direction. I needed to know that so I could be intentional in my relationship.

    How Do You Write a Relationship Mission Statement?

    Well, I believe they shouldn’t be too rigidly defined. They should be natural and truthful, and the structure they take on should vary with your own values.

    You should include key things: what you will do, what you won’t do, things you might need help with, and what you want the relationship to be. Beyond that, put in whatever feels right.

    Here are some examples of how I answered those questions in my own Relationship Mission Statement for Nathan:

    What will you do in your relationship?

    I will be available to you.

    I will respect you, empathize with you, and care for you.

    What bad habits do you acknowledge that you may need to be called out on?

    I will apologize when I’m wrong, although sometimes you may have to drag it out of me, and sometimes it may take me a week before I come to it on my own.

    And:

    I will undoubtedly get moody every now and then, but I will try not to take it out on you. If I do, I will not get moodier when you call me out (because you’d better, although you also better be nice to me when I’ve had a bad day and feel like being whiny and eating macaroni and cheese with cut-up hotdogs for dinner). I will be nice to you and make you mac & cheese & hotdogs when you’re feeling whiny, too. I will call you on your stuff when it’s gone on long enough.

    What do you promise not to do in your relationship?

    I will not be petty. I will not be spiteful. I will never speak to you with contempt, dismiss your ideas or opinions, or give you the silent treatment when I’m mad at you.

    What do you expect from your relationship?

    I will help you grow, and watch you grow through your own efforts. I will stand next to you when you need me there, and stand back when you need to do it yourself. I will be my own person and allow you to be yours.

    And I sum it all up with what matters most:

    I will not give up when things get difficult, but I will let you go if it ever comes to be what you need to be happy. I will help you find what makes you happy, and help you achieve it. I will do everything with intention.

    I promise you, so long as I’m with you, we will be greater together than the sum of us apart.

    Weekly Check-Ins

    Every week, we have Monday Night Talks.

    In the beginning, these involved both of us being totally honest and sharing the things we felt good about that week and the things that upset us, along with a rating of how we currently felt about our relationship (1-10). Now, we skip the rating because we’re consistently in the 8-10 range, but it was a great metric for us at the beginning.

    Why? Because choosing a number is easy starting point for explaining “Why.”

    It’s easy to assume everything’s great because you think it’s great, but when you’re hit with an unexpected “I give us a 5 this week,” you’re forced to remember the other person’s feelings.

    Monday Night Talks is our favorite tool. It has saved us from falling into that trap of getting angry, not saying anything, and then blowing up about it months later.

    These chats need to be a set date, every week—not a “whenever” chat.

    If you don’t set the date and stick to it every week, then you won’t get comfortable being so open with one another. Then, when you have a major grievance to air, you’ll be more likely to sit on it or get passive-aggressive about it.

    Developing strong communication habits early is key. Not only does it help your partner, but it also helps you. Constant, honest communication builds trust and reduces the urge to be defensive. If your relationship’s already in progress, then it’s not too late to start, but the earlier, the better.

    It makes your relationship stronger when you’re both able to confidently give and receive feedback. Without it, confidence is hard to come by. Be sure to give feedback with intention; don’t be passive aggressive, don’t be nasty.

    Beware the Four Horsemen

    Dr. John Gottman found that there were four habits in couples that predicted divorce: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. He called these the Four Horsemen.

    Criticism

    This is when you make it personal. If you have a grievance, make it known directly. Instead of “You never listen to me,” try “This is important to me, and it upsets me when it looks like you’re not listening. Can you set your phone aside for a few minutes while we talk?”

    (I promise, talking this way gets easier and less awkward.)

    Defensiveness

    This was the hardest for my fiancé and me. It’s not easy to admit you’re wrong. Learning not to get defensive when the other person brought up a legitimate concern (not criticism) was so beneficial.

    We are rarely 100% innocent in fights. Take a deep breath and listen to the other person. When you’re busy trying to defend yourself, you can’t listen. If you can’t listen, you can’t solve the problem.

    Contempt

    This often shows up in relationships that have had a history of criticism and defensiveness. Mocking, sarcasm, rolling your eyes, and scoffing doesn’t make you the better person. They make you someone who wants to destroy your own relationship. Because that’s what contempt will do.

    I promise you: Rolling your eyes will not make your partner suddenly see that you’re right.

    Stonewalling

    You may find yourself tempted to give in to the silent treatment. Do yourself a favor and don’t. Be honest: Does it really make you happier to stonewall your partner? Does it show that you value the other person? Or does it just drag the fight out longer?

    Stonewalling can also include picking up your cell phone to text while the other person is talking, walking out of the room, and saying things like “Forget it.”

    I believe knowing and avoiding these four habits can save many relationships. It has saved mine. Being conscious of all of them has forced me to pause when I get angry or annoyed. I ask myself if what I’m tempted to say is intentional or lashing out. If it doesn’t benefit our relationship, I don’t say it. This has to go both ways, so get your partner on board with communication early and often.

    You Get What You Create, Not What You Expect

    My relationship isn’t your relationship, but I’ve found so much positivity in these few proactive changes, and I hope even one of them can help you. So many other couples suffer from the Four Horsemen, but it is possible not to fall into these relationship traps.

    You just need to be intentional and respectful to yourself and the other person. Create the relationship you want with your partner with intention. Be mindful and choose a mindful partner. It’s okay if you both have to learn as you go along. It’s okay if you stumble; acknowledge it, correct it, and move on. Don’t hold grudges.

    Improving my skill with relationships has helped me in other areas, too.

    My anxiety has plummeted. I’m no longer constantly stressed. I’ve found time again for things that I once loved and let fall to the side. I’ve accomplished exponentially more in my personal life since adding these changes to my relationships (the Four Horsemen are also applicable to friends and family) than I did in the entire decade I trudged through those previous relationships.

    When you’re not fighting through a toxic relationship (romantic or otherwise), you have the time and energy to grow. You can have passions. You can create legacies.

    Don’t forget that you’re one-half of every relationship you’re in. Don’t forget the other person is the other half. It takes both of you to make the whole. Create the whole with intention.