Tiny Buddha

Category: letting go

  • When Things Fall Apart: Breakdowns Can Create Breakthroughs

    When Things Fall Apart: Breakdowns Can Create Breakthroughs

    “Breakdowns can create breakthroughs. Things fall apart so things can fall together.” ~Unknown

    “I’m sorry,” the email said, “but our phone call left me feeling uncomfortable, and we’ve decided to work with someone else.”

    I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. Even though I saw it coming. Even though I’d brought it on myself.

    It was February 2010, and I didn’t have the money to pay my mortgage. My savings were gone, burned through in a misguided attempt to breathe life back into my ailing business by “throwing money at the problem.”

    As a ketubah artist—a maker of Jewish marriage contracts and other wedding artworks—sales are always seasonal, but ever since the economy had tanked in 2008, even spring and summer “wedding season” was slower than I was used to.

    After two years of lean sales, without the savings normally socked away from fatter months, I was feeling desperate.

    It was that desperation that had made me try to hurry along an imminent sale to an enthusiastic bride and groom by offering a special upgrade—but “only if they bought now.”

    Big mistake.

    It was the worst, most humiliating mistake in my whole business life, in fact.

    The couple had been in correspondence with me for weeks, and was on the verge of buying not just a ketubah, but also a Quaker wedding certificate and matching invitations. The sale was virtually guaranteed, and would bring in more than enough to pay my mortgage.

    But in my fear that they’d delay making a final decision until after my mortgage due date had come and gone, I panicked. I tried to create a sense of urgency to get them to buy today, and lost the sale.

    Then I lost my grip.

    The Liberation of a Breakdown

    When the contents of the bride’s email sunk in, I physically collapsed, my body wracked with sobs. I remember the rational part of my mind watching, as if from someplace on the ceiling, thinking, “Wow, this is what hysteria looks like!”

    I was the definition of a breakdown.

    It was one of the worst moments of my life.

    In a way, it was also one of the best moments of my life, though it sure didn’t feel good at the time!

    With hindsight, though, I can now see that this horrible crisis was exactly what I needed to break out of the miserable rut I was in and break through to something better.

    The truth was I’d been burned out on my business for years. I needed a change, but like a horse with blinders on, I couldn’t see that there might possibly be a different path available to me. So I kept plodding along, while my business fizzled and my zest for life fizzled along with it.

    My breakdown finally ripped the blinders off my eyes. It was as if I emerged from a dark hole into the light and saw the vast possibilities of the world suddenly before me. Maybe I could do something else, even (gasp!) get a job.

    Casting about for other ways to earn money felt surprisingly liberating. I didn’t realize how chained I’d felt to my identity as a ketubah artist. It may sound funny, but it was a revelation that I didn’t have to do the same thing forever!

    Pay Attention to Messages from the Universe

    As I was tenderly making my first baby steps forward on a new, yet-to-be-defined path, just one week after my big breakdown, my boyfriend and life partner announced that he was moving out, taking his contribution to the living expenses with him. No thirty-days notice, no nothing.

    Can you say “double whammy”?

    (Thank goodness for my very supportive parents, who helped me pay my mortgage that month.)

    Now both my work life and my personal life were in tatters. It was as if the universe had sent me a telegram, special delivery, with the message “Time to change your life -(STOP)-”

    No, strike that: It was as if the universe had walloped me upside the head with a two-by-four!

    In fact, the universe had been sending me little notes and whispering in my ear for years. Burnout doesn’t happen overnight, but I simply hadn’t been paying attention.

    And when you don’t pay attention to notes from the universe, it starts to speak louder. Then it starts to poke you. Eventually, if you still don’t pay attention, out comes that two-by-four.

    This time I listened. Everything had fallen apart, and clearly there was no going back. The only way out of the breakdown was through.

    Change Is Painful and Scary, but Also Exhilarating

    Let me tell you, that wallop from the universe hurt. It’s disheartening when everything you’ve worked hard to build tumbles down like a castle made of children’s blocks, and it’s scary to start down a new path.

    Along with the fear, though, was an incredible sense of possibility. It was exhilarating! I didn’t know exactly where I was going, but the fact that I was no longer stuck in a rut brought my zest for life back.

    Sometimes things have to fall apart in order to fall together.

    Change is hard, so unless the pain of not changing is worse than the pain of changing, it’s all too easy to stick with the status quo. My breakdown turned out to be precisely what I needed to finally break through to the life I really wanted.

    Without my humiliating client disaster, who knows how long I might have continued to cling to my ketubah business as my only option? Instead, with my castle-of-blocks leveled by crisis, I was suddenly free to build an entirely new castle.

    No more settling! Within two months I’d started my blog and was on my way toward building the big, bold, creative life I longed for.

    The Key Is In the Letting Go

    Finding my way on this new path hasn’t happened overnight (and of course the path is continually evolving), but getting from breakdown to breakthrough—from hopeless and miserable to hopeful and excited about life again—happened rather quickly once I let go of what had been.

    That’s what breakdowns are good for: They help you let go so you can try something different.

    Clinging to what had worked well or made me happy in the past was only keeping me stuck in my rut. I had to let everything break down in order to build it up again. Only after my life fell apart were things able to fall together for me.

    I keep hoping that I’ll get better at paying attention to those whispers from the universe, so I don’t have to feel the pain of another two-by-four to the head.

    If I do get walloped again, though, hopefully I’ll remember that breakdowns can create breakthroughs, and that things fall apart so they can fall together again.

    Have you had an experience of a breakdown leading to a breakthrough? How did things fall apart for you, and how did they fall together?

  • 5 Ways to Thrive When Life Feels Chaotic and Uncertain

    5 Ways to Thrive When Life Feels Chaotic and Uncertain

    Standing in the Storm

    “All great changes are preceded by chaos.” ~Deepak Chopra

    A personal tempest blew through the doors and windows of my life, and I am forever changed. Think major upheaval in every area of your life. Conjure Dorothy Gale, Robinson Crusoe, Job, yeah them.

    In the process, I’ve learned that the disorienting storms of life are not just about survival but of learning to thrive. It is not in spite of daunting circumstances that we grow but because of them.

    For three years, painful and unexpected events descended all at once. My long-term marriage, often filled with anger, hurt, mistrust, and not surprisingly, a lack of intimacy, was imploding. My teenage son, who had been very ill, was hospitalized.

    In the midst of this, my three children and I moved from our family home of twenty years to a new town. When things seemed to quiet down, my eldest daughter was diagnosed with a chronic and life-altering disease. Oh yes, and I was restarting a career.

    Chaos. The utter confusion left in in its wake caused me to stop and reevaluate many of my assumptions about myself and life.

    What made this period even more difficult to endure was a sense of abandonment by some whom I thought would always be there, yet perhaps through a sense of helplessness or their own fears could not. Maybe they thought I was contagious. I started to wonder about that myself.

    The irony of all of this was, through the lens of the outside world, my life had been seemingly idyllic before. Or had it?

    I began to see that my tendency to avoid chaos at all costs lead me right into the belly of it. As humans, we desire harmony and seek order, in our surroundings, our relationships, and in our daily routines. We all crave certainty.

    I found the paradox is that when you cling to the illusion of safety, you chain your ability to change.

    I also discovered several anchors that kept me grounded in the midst of feeling uprooted. In fact, they never failed me.

    Here is what I’ve learned that “worked’ consistently:

    1. Surrender.

    This is a difficult concept to grasp on an emotional level. This is because we are hard wired, evolutionarily, to fight or to flee when experiencing turmoil. This response served us very well when we were being chased by saber tooth tigers. Unfortunately, it creates more conflict internally.

    It takes courage to allow strong uncomfortable feelings, whether grief, anger, or loneliness, to just be instead of trying to force them away. But acceptance brings relief.

    2. Meditate.

    Someone once told me to meditate as if my life depended on it. I do, because it does. Desperation does wonders. My more formal practice consists of twenty minutes in the morning and twenty minutes in the early evening, sitting quietly and focusing on my breathing. If my mind is especially active on any given day, I use my “mantra” (the word joy) as I breathe.

    Throughout the day, I strive to practice mindfulness, which simply means to bring my full presence to all that I do. Conscious attention to each activity and interaction brings a calm to my mind and heart. It brings me back to myself.

    Another meditation technique I found to be extremely helpful during a sea change of hard times is the meditative practice called tonglen.

    Our pain can feel such a heavy burden at times. Tonglen helps by easing the sometimes intense sense of our own suffering by powerfully connecting us with the struggles of others.

    Instead of primarily focusing on our own set of difficulties, we purposefully visualize and take on the suffering of others on the in-breath and release happiness for them on the out breath.

    It may sound counterintuitive, but I found it relieved me of my own sense of isolation and gave me the gift of perspective. It also helps me to develop greater compassion for myself and others.

    3. Observe nature.

    When a storm is coming, they hunker down. They prepare the best they can. Birds’ nests and beavers’ dams are fortified. Food is foraged. They don’t foolishly (read: egotistically) try to soldier on.

    They wait it out. They trust the process.

    When our own personal storms occur, we simply do what we need to do to protect ourselves. For me, that means to stop rushing around accomplishing “one more thing.” I take safety in the shelter of my own home, having stores of healthy and comfort food on hand, books and magazines for fun and for personal growth to read, and the perennial elixir, bath salts, to recharge.

    I do not have to fully understand in the moment why or how the storm came to be or if there is a lesson to be learned from it. I simply have to get out of harm’s way. We can analyze to no avail now knowledge that will come effortlessly to us in retrospect.

    4. Lean on others.

    We all know that family and friends are often a precious salve during times of crisis, change, or loss. Reach out. Stay connected. And realize that if you can’t immediately find someone to give you the kind of support you need, there are those to help you see the situation with new eyes.

    People came into my life during this period, serendipitously so, who were engaging, loving, and continue to help me expand and grow. The universe opens up a host of unexpected resources when you risk being vulnerable.

    5. Keep the insights.

    Some amazing realizations emerge during these times of struggle. We learn what’s truly important and to let the rest go.

    Cliché as it may sound, my health and well-being and those that I love are paramount, and I treat them as such. It’s very difficult to be happy or effect positive changes in the world if you are in some state of dis-ease.

    I’ve discovered the vitality of finding moments and experiences in life’s everyday activities that lift my spirit and make me smile. My morning cup of coffee, the soft fur on my old dog’s face, the bright pink rose bush against the white picket fence out my study window, all perfect in their simple abundance.

    As I practiced healthy behaviors like meditation, exercising, eating well, and other avenues available on the road of loving self-care, I began to heal and see situations improving.

    I also discovered that in order to cultivate this deeper, more meaningful life, I found I must maintain these practices. When things are going well, I tend to relax my vigilance. Some of the old behaviors of mismanaging stress creep in. Complacency has been a stubborn roadblock on the journey.

    There is where change can be my friend. It doesn’t allow me to be complacent. If change is accepted in this spirit, it can be a catalyst for greatness. Buddhist nun Pema Chodron affirms that “to be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest.” In fact, it is the only way to learn how to fly.

    Looking back on my life before all the chaos, I realized I was chasing status in my work and even my family life, and choosing security (an illusion at best) over listening to my heart.

    Now I listen without jumping to conclusions or searching for quick fix solutions. I enjoy strong and vibrant relationships with my children, knowing I don’t ultimately control outcomes. I am currently in a partnership where we encourage each other to grow and risk and be vulnerable.

    My work is now more like a calling than a job, providing me with rare and wonderful opportunities to engage with people about their own personal journeys and how they make meaning in their life.

    I am amazed by the profound ways my life has “taken off,” unimagined by me, still in mid-flight.

    Photo by Eddi van W

  • Become Open-Minded: The Benefits of Embracing New People and Ideas

    Become Open-Minded: The Benefits of Embracing New People and Ideas

    Clearheaded

    “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.” ~Friedrich Nietzsche

    Toward the end of last spring I was feeling a little restless in Los Angeles, so I decided to take some time in the summer to live on a yoga retreat in Hawaii. I was set on recharging and finding comfort in like-minded people who valued slowing down and mindfulness.

    Learning was not at the top of my list; I was there to unwind from a tough semester and recharge for the semester ahead of me.

    I was in for a big surprise. 

    When I got there, I was greeted by the expected tanned-skin and white smiles of mostly 20-something-year olds in yoga pants. They shared more than yoga tips; there seemed to be an underlying philosophy they shared that, honestly, made me very uncomfortable at the time.

    You see, even though I am really into yoga, slowing down, and the like, I am also a very political person. And by political, I don’t just mean involvement and interest in what is going on around me in the world; I mean that I feel active in my existence on earth and cherish my ability to create.

    This is why I found myself being annoyed by the constant sayings around the dinner table like, “I can’t wait what tomorrow has in store for me” and this talk about going with the flow and letting go.

    The emphasis placed on receptiveness, passivity, and ease seemed antithetical to what I stood for at the time.

    So I left the retreat early. I thought I would feel better surrounded by people who thought like me, and were interested in outrospection versus constant introspection. I wanted to be around people that were a little less hedonistic and self-indulgent—or so I thought.

    When I got back, I got sick. Just a few months back in Los Angeles, I received six biopsies that confirmed I had Celiac’s disease. This explained the incurable anemia, constant nausea, and incredible exhaustion.

    My friends and family here could hardly relate, and they urged me to get back “on track” as soon as I could, to join in the projects I was a part of with them, at my university and at work.

    The “get over it” attitude made me feel so lonely and objectified, and really started making me think, what am I going to do now?

    The pressure to get myself back on that productive momentum was straining me, and made me reconsider my previous judgment about the power of letting go.

    Although I realized that embracing this philosophy would mean I would be contradicting what I previously asserted for myself, it was a small shift in my mindset that would gradually set up a path for my personal enlightenment.

    After pensive thoughts about who I should start surrounding myself with, I realized I should focus on that less and start putting my energy into the kind of person I wanted to be.

    I asked myself, “Will my values continue to be deep-rooted in constructivism, politics, and action, or will I be like the bohemian girls I met on the retreat?”

    The truth is, neither of these perspectives truly satisfied me. After swinging from one extreme to another, I realized I felt more comfortable picking and choosing my philosophies as opportunities and experiences unraveled themselves over time.

    I shifted my mindset to discard my dreams of finding a one-size-fits all philosophy, and settled for middle ground.

    This new perspective has influenced my own work in the field of political psychology; it has shaped way I approach politics; I now analyze it from a bottom-to-top perspective versus a top-to-bottom paradigm.

    I have decided I feel better when I am nonpartisan, and simply support platforms based on how they fit with my values at the moment.

    I am learning to trust myself, because I am learning that with new experiences, values can shift, and that is okay.

    I am going back to this yoga retreat this summer, and hope to go in with a better attitude and more openness so that I get more out of the experience. The whole approach of going in with my mind made up with “who I am” and “what others should be like” has not worked for me.

    This is not to say that I am giving up on reasoned judgment, but that I will place more emphasis on learning and being receptive to change, since it is inevitable anyway.

    So in retrospect, when I went to this retreat in Hawaii last summer, I didn’t think I would learn valuable skills that would serve me in sickness. That’s the beautiful thing about traveling—trying on different perspectives that make you into a more multilayered, understanding person.

    I realize that we may not all get the opportunities to travel, and it can be easy to get so immersed in our own perspective and way of being that we fail to grow from the contrast that travel can provide.

    As Alexis de Tocquevilleonce said, “Without comparisons, the mind does not know how to proceed.”

    I hold the belief that without regular checkpoints and contrast in life, we may develop tunnel vision, which can influence us to think and behave in ways that limit us. Here is some insight and advice I have gathered to bring some perspective:

    Embrace fear in your life.

    Yes, expanding your mind and challenging what you firmly held onto before can be scary. However, know that embracing the unknown can open you up to new experiences, people, wisdom, and insights.

    Keep your priorities clear.

    This means to remember that if you are trying to gain perspective, to keep your mind open no matter what. Place learning at the top of your list of things to do so that receptiveness, openness, and controlled passivity will naturally follow.

    Don’t forget to share!

    Chances are, if you are traveling or even planning on broadening your perspective at home, others can learn from yours as well. In my experience, there is nothing more profound than sharing perspectives and having both parties walk away with an enriched view of life.

    Photo by ePi.Longo

  • 6 Helpful Things to Consider If You’re In an Unhealthy Friendship

    6 Helpful Things to Consider If You’re In an Unhealthy Friendship

    “Letting go gives us freedom and freedom is the only condition for happiness.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    For much of my life, I lived for approval and acceptance from family members, friends, and co-workers. I can’t recall not considering what people thought about my actions or what I had said, wondering if I could have done them better. I was always thinking of others and their feelings toward me.

    It was a constant battle in my head, and it was starting to drain me of my peace.

    No matter what they had done to me in the past, no matter how much pain they’d caused me, I thought it was only right that I give it another try. After all, friendships take a lot work.

    You see, for me, gaining a sense of acceptance from the people I cared about was a life source that I sought after, again and again, because it meant I was important, that I mattered.

    But at what cost?

    When the relationships we’ve worked hard to build for many years aren’t giving us the joy they once did or a sense of community and energy anymore, what do we do? What if, in fact, it feels downright toxic and negative to be around them?

    This happened to me. All the signs were there, but I didn’t see it for what it was. I thought maybe I was just too sensitive. I would often tell myself, “Get over it, you’re thinking too much again.”

    Then one dreary day I got a call from my mom. My dad was in a horrific accident and he passed an hour later. My family was grieving from loss and shock, and the one person I thought would be there by my side suddenly disappeared.

    This person was my cousin, and a good friend I had known my entire life. I looked up to her as a young girl, and even thought of her as a big sister I never had.

    My cousin proceeded to go on with her life as if nothing had happened. Not one single word was exchanged between us. It was as if I were a stranger to her.

    It hurt me deeply, and I was utterly pained by her actions.

    Looking back, I understand why she made the choice to stay away. Facing death and pain isn’t easy; in fact, it takes great courage to face it head on and ride the storm.

    While I had been hurt and resentful about how she avoided me during the most painful time of my life, I had the gift of time to reflect and to reevaluate my relationships, and the other issues that made this particular one unhealthy.

    As painful as it is, there comes a time when we need to “break up” with a friend in order to live authentically and to be free.

    Life is short, and we deserve to be happy. Sometimes we have to consciously make the choice to not tolerate emotional abuse and to recognize when a relationship simply isn’t working.

    We break up with our significant others when we’ve exhausted every avenue and know in our hearts the relationship isn’t working and it’s time to let go. Just because we are not in a romantic relationship that does not mean we have to tolerate negative behaviors or what isn’t working.

    You don’t have to wait for a life tragedy and loss to realize this. Take the time to reflect on what kind of people you want to bring into your life and what you deserve to have—a friend who is honest, who will cry and laugh with you so you can grow together.

    Here are seven things to consider if you feel you are in a similar situation:

    1. What does friendship mean to you?

    Your definition of what makes a good friend may be different from your friend’s. This may sound silly, but this is the platform on which you build a relationship that may one day flourish.

    The relationship I desperately wanted to have with my cousin was but a mirage. I had deluded myself into thinking that we had a strong bond. Reflecting back, it wasn’t a very healthy relationship.

    Be honest. Tell your friend what you need. Your friend may see things differently and it may solve any misunderstanding between the two of you. But if your friend chooses not to reciprocate, you’ll be able to gauge if this is a relationship you want to keep.

    2. Is the friendship just too exhausting and negative most of the time?

    I used to wonder why it was so hard being around her. It drained me of my energy and left me feeling very negative about who I was as a person.

    I resented that I couldn’t express my authentic self to her. Often she would reply to me with, “You think too much,” as if my feeling, values, and beliefs were not valid.

    A friend who cares about your well-being will discuss any concerns you may have and not dismiss them as trivial. If you don’t communicate your feelings, resentment can build, and you may harbor negative feelings toward this person.

    3. Is the relationship balanced?

    To me, a friendship is like a seesaw. It takes two people, and each needs to give and take a little to balance out the ride.

    Like any close relationship, both parties need to make the effort and choose to grow together as friends, or it can be a very painful process.

    Thinking back, our relationship was very one sided. I always felt I was the second choice, a person to call when she needed company, or to vent. I don’t recall her ever asking me how I was doing, especially after my dad was killed. There was no depth in our relationship.

    4. It’s okay to let go.

    Relationships are complicated, and it’s never an easy choice to let go of a friendship. It was painful for me to accept that our friendship was over, but in order to live authentically and to be free, I had to let it go.

    It didn’t happen overnight. As our relationship deteriorated, we saw less and less of each other. When she called to invite me over, I deliberately chose to decline the invitation. I knew that I would regret going, and that it would leave me feeling of resentful, with old, painful memories haunting me.

    It can be a long, emotional, and unpleasant process when we are deciding whether we should continue on with a friendship or to let it go. All these feelings are normal. Any transition in life comes with some form of discomfort. It means we are growing and evolving.

    5. It’s nobody’s fault.

    Sometimes relationships end, despite every effort to make it work. Just because we have made the choice to let go of the friendship, that doesn’t mean it has to end it a negative way. We can say farewell with well wishes and make the choice to remember the happier times in our hearts.

    I think every relationship is unique and the way you choose the end the relationship depends on the situation you are in. Listen to your inner voice and honor it.

    You may choose to tell your friend that you need some space. Or you may choose to write a personal letter to express your feelings and concerns if you think it will be too confrontational. At times I still miss the friendship I had once shared with my friend, but I keep the good memories with me in my heart.

    6. When one door closes, another opens.

    Stay open to new friendships and to your present moment. Staying open allows for new opportunities and new relationships to come into your life when you are ready.

  • 5 Steps to Overcome Fear and Meet Your Goals

    5 Steps to Overcome Fear and Meet Your Goals

    Standing on a Bridge

    “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.” ~Nelson Mandela

    The world can be a scary place.

    As we go through our daily lives, we face many challenges, and often these challenges can bring about fear. We may fear the loss of something, or perhaps the lack of fulfillment. We may experience fear when going on a job interview or a first date.

    The greatest challenge with fear is that it can hold us back from achieving our goals, but it doesn’t have to.

    Over the past six months I have let one fear hold me back from achieving the one thing I feel I wholly deserve. I’ve had a fear of not meeting my soul mate.

    After being single for nearly six years, I felt a sense of loneliness and a desire to build a relationship with someone.

    I turned to online dating last fall, a method I tried for over eight months. I was able to meet many people and enjoyed dinners and walks with potential mates, but nothing ever developed past two dates with the same individual.

    After many dates that didn’t lead to anything long term, I felt deeper fear, sadness, and a loss of hope.

    I came to realize that my desire to meet the person I would potentially spend my life with had manifested into a fear that drove away any hope of building something real and lasting.

    Dating began to feel like a chore, and it became unenjoyable. For love to happen, I had to overcome my fear and enjoy the time I spent meeting new people.

    I believe in the power of intention. But in setting forth an agenda, we must learn to let go and have faith. Things may not happen when we want them to, but often a delay is the result of greater things at work.

    Wayne W. Dyer wrote in The Power of Intention, “if we focus on what’s ugly, we attract more ugliness into our thoughts, and then into our emotions, and ultimately into our lives.”

    Intention is related to fear because if we can trust our own intentions and allow our minds to focus on the potential positive outcomes, we will face less fear in most situations.

    It’s easy to let fear play a part in our daily lives. I’ve had many opportunities to face my fears lately, but I knew little about overcoming them. Alas, I learned several key facts that have broken down my fears and allowed me to focus on achieving my goals.

    These five techniques will help you overcome fear in your daily life:

    1. Start small.

    Fear comes in many shapes and sizes. Facing it doesn’t have to be a grand gesture.

    My fear of living life alone created immense challenges. “I’m going to grow old alone,” I once said. Deep down, I knew this wasn’t true, but my mind had saturated into a restricting fear around the worst-case scenario.

    I broke down my anxiety into smaller, more manageable pieces. Instead of wondering how I could meet my soul mate, I thought about how I could make new friends instead. By focusing on meeting new people, I have increased my odds of reaching my goal without the anxiety and pressure of finding “the one.”

    Instead of focusing on the end result, I can now focus on more manageable goals.

    No matter how large or small your fears may seem, scaling down to a more manageable size will be beneficial. Slowly step out of your comfort zone and begin moving towards your goal.

    2. Have faith.

    While achieving your goal may not happen on your preferred timetable, it is important to have faith that time will bring success. Trusting that achievement is not only possible, but probable will help soften your fears.

    Think back to an event in your life that may have seemed bad at the time but allowed for certain circumstances to occur that brought about a greater and more wonderful event. That’s proof that the world is not against us but is indeed working with us.

    3. Write it down.

    Making a list of your fears is a great way to work through them.

    Writing in a journal has been very helpful for me to overcome my fear of not meeting my soul mate. I have written about particular dates I went on and how the meetings made me feel.

    I’ve found it useful to write down a fear and then describe on paper why I feel I have it. This task has been essential in helping me chart my progress and list what I have learned in the past.

    Writing has allowed me to accept that things are evolving, even if they don’t seem that way—which brings me to the next important technique for overcoming fear: acceptance.

    4. Accept what develops (or doesn’t).

    When I was using an online dating service, every first date felt like a blind date. Profiles only went so far in explaining other individuals’ personalities. I had to accept the fact that the first date might not lead to a second and that he might not be “the one.”

    I had to accept that I couldn’t force a relationship, nor could I force the timing of true love.

    The Dalai Lama said, “If you have fear of some pain or suffering, you should examine whether there is anything you can do about it. If you can, there is no need to worry about it; if you cannot do anything, then there is also no need to worry.”

    5. Let go.

    Letting go can be one of the greatest challenges to overcoming fear. At times, we hold on to something because we feel it empowers us; however, holding on only weakens us.

    Once we have accepted what may or may not develop, we need to detach ourselves from the outcome. Letting go of our fears allows us to focus more on the present moment and less on the fear itself.

    —

    After following these techniques, I no longer have a fear of spending my life alone, because I know and trust that there are great things ahead. Now I can enjoy meeting new people and going on dates without fear.

    Photo by Geraint Rowland

  • 5 Steps to Learn from Anger

    5 Steps to Learn from Anger

    Anger

    “Don’t wait for your feelings to change to take the action. Take the action and your feelings will change.” ~Barbara Baron

    How do you feel about anger? Growing up, I always felt that anger was “bad.” In school and at home I learned that anger made people do “bad” things, and anger was a source of “evil” in the world.

    I didn’t want any part of that! So, when things happened that made me angry (for example, getting bullied at school), I’d ignore the feelings of anger until they “went away.” I’d go home and cry, feeling these emotions build up inside of my body.

    It felt like I would explode. And I’d sit there, trying to breathe, praying for the wave of anger to pass. Eventually my headache would go away, and I’d be able to breathe easily, but the feelings never quite left my body.

    What I didn’t know then was that those feelings would later transform into deeper feelings of anger and resentment.

    Later, as a young professional, I found that those feelings of resentment turned into paralyzing beliefs and actions that held me back from my deeper calling. I would take the bus or the subway and find myself getting angry if the person next to me was breathing too heavily, or glanced at me.

    I interpreted constructive criticism on the job as personal insults, and I would leave interactions with co-workers feeling angry, frustrated, and hurt.

    When I finally had an emotional breakdown and accessed that anger, I was afraid that it would consume me. What actually happened: I used those feelings of anger as a teacher and means of transforming my life.

    I use these steps to process anger whenever I feel it come up in my body, and I repeat as often as necessary.

    1. Acknowledge it.

    I think about my feelings of anger as being a child who is acting out. That child could be hurt, sad, frustrated. or lonely, but right now anger is the only way it knows how to express those deeper emotions.

    If not acknowledged, short term frustration could lead to long term resentment, with physical effects like tight muscles, insomnia, headaches, and bloating. (I experienced all of these!)

    If something recent has happened, allow yourself to be angry for a set amount of time (15 minutes is usually enough). Yell, punch a pillow, call a trusted friend and vent, or listen to some music that may help you access that emotion.

    2. Understand it.

    If you let it, anger can be one of your greatest teachers. That pure emotion can be a connection to our soul’s deepest desires, and understanding the anger can be the key to moving past it and creating meaningful change in your life.

    Get silent for a few minutes, and have a conversation with that anger. It could be as simple as “What are you here to show me?” or “What am I truly upset about—what is my deeper desire?” The process of questioning the feelings (without judging them) creates space for deeper emotions to come forth.

    3. Move through it.

    It’s important to take action on anger in ways that promote your growth.

    For example, if a stranger was rude to you, you can acknowledge that the stranger’s actions were based on whatever they were dealing with, and had little to do with you. If a family member, co-worker, or friend is constantly irritating you, is there a boundary that you can set? Can you limit your interactions with that person?

    Creating action steps around anger is essential because it puts you back in control of your emotions. We cannot always control what happens to us, but we can always control how we react.

    4. Monitor it.

    Take a step back for a moment. How often do you get angry? Is your anger directed at a specific person, or are there specific situations that get you angry? If so, it may be time to set a boundary.

    It is normal and healthy to have some non-negotiables in your life—things that you will not tolerate. If you don’t like people touching your hair without asking, let them know. If there are events (for example, family gatherings) that are a source of your anger, limit them.

    You have the option to decline those events. People will treat you the way you teach them to treat you; make sure you set clear guidelines around what you will and will not accept.

    5. Be grateful for it.

    You can never truly let go of something unless you do so with love. Love in this sense doesn’t necessarily mean wanting to be best friends with someone who caused you pain, but it does mean accepting the experience, focusing on the positive, and leaving the rest behind.

    One of the easiest ways to connect with love is to express gratitude. When it comes to anger, expressing gratitude can be one of the fastest ways to push the anger out of your system while honoring it.

    If you have a difficult co-worker, or parents that may not fully support your dreams, take some time and be thankful for what they represent in your life. It could be that these challenging individuals have helped you to develop the strength, confidence, and determination to continue on your path.

    As I incorporated these steps into my life and started teaching them to my patients, I started to have a much deeper appreciation for anger.

    All of our emotions—like fear, anger, sadness, and joy—can be valuable teachers along our path, showing us what we truly desire and illuminating our path to further personal development.

    Photo by RenaudPhoto

  • Are You Stressed, Rushed, and Aggravated?

    Are You Stressed, Rushed, and Aggravated?

    Walking Through Airport

    “Meaning is not what you start with but what you end up with.” ~Peter Elbow

    As a boy, I had a romantic notion about having a job where I traveled for business. It sounded so important and stylish. I liked the idea of dashing through airports to my next big meeting.

    I thought it meant that mine would be a wider world. And so it was.

    Be Careful What You Wish For

    As often happens, what you think about comes into being. I found myself on my very first “business trip.” I was going to the exotic location of Moline, Illinois.

    In my fantasies I was thinking more along the lines of NYC or London, but hey, it involved an airplane. Actually, it wasn’t even a jet; it was this very loud, somewhat cramped prop plane.

    So a couple hours later, after flying at a surprisingly low altitude and slow rate of speed, I had traveled from a semi-rural location with corn and cows to…another semi-rural location with corn and cows. It seems my dreams of importance and style were still in my future.

    Dashing Didn’t Turn Out To Be So Dashing

    My life and work continued down this same path, so occasionally schedules were tight. Once, I remember literally running through an airport so as not to miss a flight.

    It looks good in the television commercials but let me tell you, running in a suit and tie, toting a briefcase and an overnight bag isn’t so sexy. It’s more sweaty and disheveling. I must confess, I felt less than debonair.

    The Illusion of the “Good Seat”

    Every flight (and there were many), I vied for a good seat with the rest of my fellow business travelers. I gloated over my exit row seat or my aisle seat. I glared enviously at the first class passengers, already seated with their complimentary mimosas.

    When it came time to disembark, I leaped to my feet the moment the “Remain Seated” sign went out. I mean, you’re supposed to. At least you must be, because that’s what everyone else was doing.

    I told myself it was important that I leave the plane immediately. After all, I had pressing business. That’s why I’m flying.

    And Then I Woke Up

    This dream of being a business traveler turned out to be not so dreamy after all. Traveling is a hassle with the hotels and cabs and parking garages and strange cities and expense reports. Airplane seats are tight and fellow travelers are sometimes surly.

    This isn’t what I signed up for. I started to wonder about the ground rules I had assumed regarding flying for a living.

    Questioning the Unstated

    What is a good seat? I’ll tell you. There’s only one on the plane: it’s the one the pilot sits in.

    The rest of us, no matter where we sit, are getting basically the same experience. Once I accepted that, I have never had a bad seat.

    What’s the rush to get off the plane? When I wait until everyone else has cleared out around me, it is far easier to collect my things. I don’t hack anyone else off by getting in their way to rush off the plane either.

    I generally go for the window seat now, not because I prefer it particularly. It just means I am not in any hurried person’s way when it comes time to deplane.

    This leisurely attitude means I spend perhaps 10 more minutes aboard if I am seated near the front. If I am seated near the back, it costs me virtually no time at all. And I still get to the baggage claim area before my bags.

    I get to airports early. I check in and kick back. Did you know they put bars in airports? I find this highly convenient for this back kicking.

    I pack light. I generally travel to places that sell just about anything I regularly use. I have found that even developing countries have food and toiletries for sale.

    Sharing My New Found Travel Ease

    Once I found myself on an overbooked flight. Five people were in front of me in line trying to get boarding passes. As each one of them in turn berated the gate agent, all she could do was apologize and say she couldn’t give them a boarding pass at this time.

    When it was my turn, I saw her steel herself for the next verbal assault. But I figured something out as I stood in line: berating the poor lass wasn’t resulting in a boarding pass for anyone.

    So I just said, “Tough day, huh? Listen, if you can get me on this flight I would really appreciate it. Just do the best you can.”

    Five minutes before they closed the jet way doors, she called one name to give out a single boarding pass—mine.

    I wanted to throw a fit as much as the next guy as I stood in line. But what would be the point of ranting at the last person who could help me who, incidentally, was not responsible for causing my problem?

    I didn’t see one glimmer of recognition out there amongst those envious faces of the grounded either. They all had the same chance as me and they had it first. We make our own reality. Own it, or don’t.

    The Traveler, Well Seasoned

    The bottom line is this: air travel, or anything else, is what you make it. I got to live my illusions until I decided they no longer served me.

    I have a far different experience now, even though the external details remain basically the same. I have no stress and I get where I want to go when and if I have a notion to go anywhere at all.

    I am a fan of destinations, but the journey happens too. While I may not have always taken the road less traveled, these days I always choose the travel encounter less experienced.

    Photo by plantronicsgermany

  • How My Anger Led Me to Forgiveness and Peace

    How My Anger Led Me to Forgiveness and Peace

    “Genuine forgiveness does not deny anger but faces it head-on.” ~Alice Duer Miller

    As an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse at the hands of a relative, I had become accustomed to keeping secrets. Silence, I was taught, was a good thing. It protected people that I loved.

    So for over a decade, I carried the dark and overbearing weight of my past in secrecy and in silence, believing I was the only one in the world who’d ever experienced such abuse—until I learned from a college workshop that one in four women and one in five men fall victim to sexual abuse by the time they are eighteen.

    Shocked and convicted, a surge of emotions overwhelmed me.

    Later, for the first time, I was able to share my secret with my mother. She was devastated and we cried, but the conversation ended on a peculiar note: “You can’t ever tell your dad,” she said, “because it will destroy him.”

    It felt as if I’d finally surfaced for air after drowning my entire life, and now I was being pushed back underwater, but sadly I accepted it. As aforementioned, silence was a good thing, wasn’t it? It protected people that I loved.

    The seven years that followed proved to be the most tumultuous of my life. I battled suicidal ideation, clinical depression, anxiety, panic attacks, plummeting self-esteem, immeasurable anger and resentment, and the take-home prize of the millennia: unforgiveness.

    I was a highly-trained victim at this point, putting on an Oscar-worthy performance.

    And then one day, I’d had enough. I did what I’d always wanted to do: I got angry!

    Now before you take a baseball bat to your ex’s four-by-four, I’m not talking about the type of anger that features fist fights and flying chairs on daytime talk shows. This type of anger is a process through which you can access the power and peace that can only come from forgiveness.

    There are four steps I have experienced in this process:

    1. Give yourself permission to get angry.

    I was accustomed, as I’ve emphasized, to the golden rule of “silence.” Skeletons were better left in the closet, I thought. Unfortunately, mixed with my already existent people-pleasing ways, this was a recipe for disaster.

    In my journey toward esteeming others above myself, as many of the world’s wisest sages have taught, I inadvertently evolved into a doormat. Talk about regressive Darwinism!

    I wanted to be a good person, and so when I felt anger, resentment, and unforgiveness, I beat myself up over it. I truly believed that I was a horrible person for being angry over what had happened to me. Further, I didn’t want to be the “villain” in others’ eyes or the black sheep in the family who just couldn’t let go of the past.

    But at long last, I finally gave myself permission to feel that anger to the fullest. I gave myself permission to own my anger, and in doing so, I validated myself. I acknowledged that I wasn’t an unfeeling robot or a mindless drone—I was a flesh-and-blood human being with a deep spiritual wound that deserved proper treatment.

    I allowed myself to acknowledge that I was in pain, that it didn’t feel good, and that I was angry about it. As such, a process could then—and only then—begin. I could now travel into the deepest and darkest parts of my soul and bring light to those forgotten caverns.

    2. Share your story.

    There was a time when I believed I would never share my story with a single soul. I could’ve never imagined those long years ago how untrue that would become.

    Every time I share my story, I feel more and more powerful. I’m no longer a victim—I’m a survivor! Sharing your story is not about incriminating the wrongdoer. It’s about validating yourself, owning your experience, and committing to living your best life.

    There may be someone reading this right now who has never shared the life story that’s so burning inside their heart. Whether it’s writing down the story in your personal journal or finally telling a trusted, long-time friend, take this bold step forward. You will feel freedom like never before.

    Your story is nothing to be ashamed about. Come forth from that dark corner into the light. The weight feels lighter with every word you speak, and the story will become easier to share with each telling.

    I believe that if more people realized how liberating it feels to finally share their story, more people would in turn experience the love, freedom, and peace that they so desire and so deserve.

    3. Seek support and wisdom.

    Dealing with anger while bearing the goal of forgiveness in mind requires a life support team. You need to surround yourself with loving people who care about your personal growth and want the best for you.

    And while these people will support your need to validate yourself and feel angry, they mustn’t be people who will talk you out of forgiveness. Instead, ensure that your life support team is stocked with people who understand the power and love that comes from forgiveness and why it’s vital to your permanent joy.

    These people should also be able to ensure that you don’t act out on your anger. Getting angry doesn’t mean treating people unkindly and it’s not a “Get Out of Jail Free” card for nasty behavior and cruel words.

    You’re not excused from characterizing love just because you’re wounded. Trust me: you don’t want to live like that anyway. I can personally attest that it will only leave you feeling more deflated and defeated.

    Whether it’s friends or professional help, your support will be a safe space where you can share your struggles, open yourself up to the insight and guidance of others, and apply their suggestions to your life toward more positive and empowered living.

    4. Have the conversation.

    Once you have progressed through the above steps, there will come a time when you will want to have “the conversation” with the person who has hurt you. If you’re like me, you might be shaking your head, declaring that it won’t happen. I thought the same—until it did.

    And when it did, fists didn’t fly. Neither did chairs.

    Because I’d journeyed through the previous steps, I was able to come from a place of perfect peace. I was in control of my emotions. And I was able to lovingly explain to this individual how they had hurt me, how it had made me feel, and why I therefore struggled with extending forgiveness.

    Six months later, the process came around full circle and I was finally—finally—able to let go of the past and forgive. This didn’t mean forgetting about what happened. It meant reclaiming my life and deciding that the past wasn’t going to have any control of my happiness or my future.

    All because I’d made the choice to stop denying my anger and instead face it head on.

    What about you? Has denying anger kept you from moving toward forgiveness and peace? Try the four steps above. Go ahead, get angry (constructively)! Freedom’s waiting on the other side.

  • Get Some Perspective: 4 Ways to See Yourself and the World Differently

    Get Some Perspective: 4 Ways to See Yourself and the World Differently

    Self Reflection

    “Your outlook on life is a direct reflection on how much you like yourself.” ~Lululemon

    Several months ago I wrote an article that sat for months without being published. A few weeks ago the editor emailed me to say how pleased she was with it and that it would post the following week.

    Since I hadn’t thought about it in a while (and she’d sent me the preview link), I figured I’d check out her edits and re-read the post. As I sat back and took in what I wrote, I was genuinely astonished at how well done it was. I wrote that? It was amazing!

    I remember being nervous at the time to send it in. Then, not hearing back for a while made me even more anxious. But after taking a few months away from it, I could see that yes, I was a very talented writer.

    Sometimes it takes getting farther away from something to see it for what it really is. It’s that whole forest-for-the-trees thing. The same is true when it comes to how we see ourselves.

    Sometimes we need a little distance to help us see things as they really are. (Because really, you’re wonderful.)

    This got me thinking: How do you get farther away from yourself? As I’ve journaled and worked through my days, that question has been answered for me.

    Cultivate patience.

    Doesn’t this seem like it’s the answer to everything? It does for me these days. Any problem I have seems to be solved by patience, and getting some distance is no exception.

    My ego is usually the part of me that doesn’t want me to take risks and see myself for the star that I am. It wants to keep me from submitting my writing or taking that rock climbing class because if I fail, how embarrassing and horrible would that be?

    Not all that terrible, it turns out. But only if you’re willing to sit around and wait for the response. It can be painful to hear other people’s criticisms, no matter how constructive, and sometimes, even compliments make us uneasy, but it’s even worse sitting around and waiting for it. My ego just wants to run the other way.

    By practicing patience I am able to make it less about me and more about the task, which (surprise!) isn’t really about me at all. An article, a photo, a presentation, even cooking dinner can become an extension of myself if I’m not careful to sit within myself.

    This helps me to understand that those are simply creations that have happened through my body, my vessel. With patience I am able to see those things for what they really are and appreciate them with detachment. It also makes criticism a heck of a lot easier too.

    Help others.

    When I get into service mode, I really learn how to see my life as it truly is. It’s about a change in perspective. After I served homeless families Christmas dinners for a few years, the petty problems my family had didn’t seem to matter.

    It also made me see how great my family dinners actually are. We’ve got a roof over our heads. We can take a nap on the couch if we ate too much. Life is beautiful and simple.

    But this doesn’t just happen with big gestures. It’s all the tiny things too. My friend was filling up her tank the other day and I knew she wouldn’t take my cash, so I snuck it into her purse.

    I imagined her later opening up her wallet. Maybe she’d notice it, or maybe it wouldn’t even register. That part didn’t matter. It was about me seeing through her eyes. And that change of perspective helps me to see a part of myself that wasn’t in focus before.

    When we extend a hand, no matter how big or small, it offers us the chance to step outside ourselves for a minute and understand more of the big picture. And when we can do that, we see our role in it more clearly and are able to appreciate that (and ourselves) more readily.

    Embrace other points of view.

    Much like helping other people, seeing a different side to a story can help you see yourself more clearly. I remember speaking with a close friend about suicide when I was younger. I was lamenting how terrible and selfish it was when she spoke up that perhaps that soul just wasn’t ready for this world.

    Instead of immediately discarding her point, I was struck by how it had never occurred to me. While I marinated on it for the next few days I really got a chance to consider myself from a different angle. Was I compassionate toward myself and give myself permission to have differing, sometimes even contradicting opinions? Did I encourage myself to open up like my friend did?

    I could see that yes, sometimes I did, and I congratulated myself for that in a way that I couldn’t have done before. But beyond seeing myself in a different light, it also opened me up to the fact that I can have more than one feeling about something and that that was okay.

    In fact, it showed me that it’s important to honor all parts of myself. I felt more whole and free after that.

    We can all benefit from listening and considering other points of view. Even if we don’t agree, it can give us a chance to consider if we’re honoring all parts of ourselves. And that is truly a blessing.

    Live in the moment.

    This sort of seemed like a contradiction to me at first. If we’re living in the moment, in our bodies, how on earth can we see ourselves more clearly? How exactly are we getting farther away? I realized, however, that when I’m truly present with what I’m doing and in my body, that I am much more connected to the world and those around me than when I’m multitasking and running around like a headless chicken.

    For instance, the other day I was listening to a class and trying to do some home improvement at the same time. I dropped what I was trying to hang on the wall and started feeling sorry for myself. Now I had to stop and fix everything and replay the part of the class I missed. I was so completely stuck in my own world that I couldn’t see that I was getting in my own way.

    On the other hand, I was raking the yard last weekend and was making an attempt to be in the moment. When I realized that I needed to water the trees and flowers as well, I stopped. I told myself I could do that after I finished putting the leaves in the compost because they’d get wet if I didn’t. Because I was present in my body, I could see what was around me and was able to make better decisions.

    When we’re not present, we’re on autopilot. We make choices without even realizing we’re affecting our futures. If you can try to stay present, you’re able to see those choices you’re about to make and slow them down. This helps you see yourself differently.

    That autopilot choice to pull into the fast food joint: Is that really what my body wants or am I choosing what has been put in front of me? That mindless judgment you’ve made about someone in line at the coffee shop: Is this really how you feel or are you masking emotions like jealousy or anger?

    Most of us struggle with seeing things from a different perspective. And many of us have to really work to view ourselves in a new light or give ourselves positive feedback. I know I do.

    I hope that considering a few of these tactics will make it easier for you to pat yourself on the back and widen your horizons. It certainly has for me.

    Photo by Justin Scott Campbell

  • 8 Limiting Beliefs That Keep Us Stuck (and How to Overcome Them)

    8 Limiting Beliefs That Keep Us Stuck (and How to Overcome Them)

    “Smile, breathe, and go slowly.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    For almost three years, I’d been living out of a suitcase, relocating every three to six months. To some people, this lifestyle sounds adventurous and exciting. But anyone who’s ever lived like this understands how exhausting and scary it can be: I felt unsettled in my career, unhappy in my relationships, and completely alone in the world.

    While I knew I was unhappy and that I wanted to make a change, the truth is that I felt completely stuck in the lifestyle I’d chosen for myself. When I brainstormed about what was preventing me from taking action, this is the list I came up with:

    • I lack motivation.
    • I procrastinate too much.
    • I don’t have time.
    • I don’t have enough resources.
    • It’s too late to change.
    • I have too many responsibilities.
    • I have no clue who I am.
    • I have no clue where to start.

    It was then that I realized the only thing preventing me from making a change was a long list of limiting beliefs.

    So let’s explore how these eight limiting beliefs keep you (and me!) stuck:

    1. I lack motivation.

    Do you really, or are you burned out? This type of burnout usually indicates that you are in an environment that leaves you feeling drained and unsupported. When this happens, you may even start to call yourself “lazy.”

    In my case, it took so much energy to get through the day and to figure out where I was going next that the thought of making changes was exhausting.

    Examine your external environment: What situations and people are draining you? Do you feel supported? Do you really lack motivation, or are you just burned out?

    2. I procrastinate too much.

    Procrastination is a symptom, much like a fever, stomachache, or headache, and it usually boils down to one thing: fear.

    For me, it was the fear of stepping away from the freedom I thought I had in a lifestyle with minimal attachments. It was also the fear of failing, of not having all the answers, and of making the wrong decision.

    What is your procrastination a symptom of? What are you afraid of?

    3. I don’t have time.

    A quote by Lao Tzu says, “Time is a created thing. To say ‘I don’t have time,’ is like saying, ‘I don’t want to.’” Perhaps the real issue is that you don’t really want to change.

    There was certainly a part of me that didn’t want to change; there is something very freeing about having so little stuff. I also liked traveling and seeing the world. But once I clarified what I did and didn’t like about my situation, I was clearer about why I’d actually take the time to make changes.

    What parts of your current situation do you like, and how are they affecting your desire to move forward?

    4. I don’t have enough resources.

    Focusing on external resources, like money, credentials, and skills, is another tactic we use to give ourselves permission to remain stuck. But lasting change starts internally, with things like energy, willpower, clarity, and passion; and as your internal resources start to grow, your external resources will naturally start to grow as well.

    At the time, all of my internal resources were completely depleted, and as a result, I wasn’t using my external resources effectively or efficiently. As I watched my external resources slowly drain, I became more internally drained. So it became a vicious cycle.

    What in your external environment leaves your internal environment feeling uninspired, unsupported, and lifeless? Are you using your external resources effectively?

    5. It’s too late to change.

    Focusing on some arbitrary time and date by which you’re supposed to have accomplished X, Y, and Z means neglecting to enjoy the amazing journey unfolding right in front of your eyes. After all, who created this timeline by which you’re supposed to live your life anyway?

    In my situation, seeing friends getting married, having children, and buying homes left me feeling more and more trapped by my current situation. Eventually I realized that the real frustration was that I was spinning my wheels in directions that didn’t even make sense. I didn’t want what my friends had, but I didn’t want what I had either, so I felt like I was just wasting time.

    Do you hold yourself to an arbitrary timeline by which you’re supposed to have accomplished X, Y, and Z? Do you compare yourself to others? What do you really want to change in your life, and what baby steps can you take in that direction?

    6. I have too many responsibilities.

    If you feel like you have so many responsibilities that you can’t manage to carve out time to start changing your life, then chances are your “responsibilities” have become an excuse for not taking care of yourself.

    At the time, I was taking on way too much emotional responsibility for the people around me, and it was leaving me feeling empty and lost. I was neglecting my own needs, and I was neglecting to take responsibility for my own life.

    Who and what are consuming your time and energy? Are these people and situations really your responsibility? How can you start to take responsibility for your own life?

    7. I have no clue who I am.

    If you feel like you don’t know who you are, then chances are you’ve been neglecting yourself for a very long time.

    When I finally stopped long enough to ask myself why I felt stuck, I quickly realized I’d never taken the time to really figure out who I am or what I wanted in life; instead, I was just bouncing from thing to thing, hoping something would stick.

    What do you want in life? Where do you want to see yourself in 6 months? A year? What are your values and goals?

    8. I have no clue where to start.

    Depending on how you chose to look at it, not knowing where to start can either be liberating or completely overwhelming. But it’s usually just an excuse. If there is no clear place to start, then there is no wrong place to start!

    I developed a daily practice and started spending time alone each day exploring and rediscovering who I am. I tried new things until I uncovered what I wanted, and from this awareness I created an action plan for change.

    Start somewhere—anywhere. Will you commit to spending time alone, each and every day, to explore these limiting beliefs? Because when it comes to making changes in your life, all you need to do is “Smile, breathe, and go slowly.”

  • 5 Ways To Embrace Ending Friendships and Relationships

    5 Ways To Embrace Ending Friendships and Relationships

    “Celebrate endings, for they precede new beginnings.” ~Jonathan Lockwood Huie

    One day when I was a kid, my best friend and I decided that we were going to bury a time capsule in the backyard. We gathered an old shoebox, some glitter and paint, and then spent the whole afternoon decorating this box that was the symbol of our best friend status for life.

    We filled it with some of our favorite items and pictures and then wandered around the yard in order to scope out the perfect location to bury our sacred box. We dug what we thought was a deep hole, placed the box inside, and covered it up.

    We made a pact to dig the box up together in five years.

    Not even five days passed before we were sprinting toward our special spot to dig up our friendship, only to discover someone had beaten us to it. As it turns out, my brother and his friend were watching from behind a tree as we buried the box a few days prior. Curiosity got the best of them.

    Unpredictable circumstances altered the outcome of our time capsule, just like growing up and having different interests altered the outcome of our friendship.

    Where did my childhood friend and I go wrong? We were supposed to be best friends for life. Life I say!

    Or maybe we didn’t go wrong. Maybe friendships and intimate relationships come with an expiration date of sorts.

    I’ve had many friendships I thought would last my whole life, but life surprised me, as it often does. As I look back, each friend or relationship that I’ve had made perfect sense for me that time in my life.

    I believe people are brought together for each person’s maximum spiritual growth. When the growth is done, it’s time to move on.

    That spiritual growth could take two minutes, two weeks, two months, two years, or a lifetime. Either way, when the time comes, the most powerful thing we can do is allow ourselves to move on and trust that everything is happening exactly as it should.

    Sometimes outside circumstances seemingly force our relationships to shift and move apart; other times it’s a decision you consciously make to walk away. However it happens, below are some ways you can move through changing relationships in the most positive and powerful way possible:

    1. Don’t be afraid to move on.

    As you learn and grow, so do your friendships and relationships. I really noticed this when I started committing to a spiritual practice every day. My circle of friends completely shifted. This is nothing to fear.

    It’s not a “good” or “bad’ thing, but it’s important to understand that throughout our lives, people are going to fall away. And who knows, they might be back, but all you do know now is that you’ve learned all that you can from each other at this time.

    When relationships and/or friendships end or shift, there is nothing to fear. Whether or not you realize it, everything always works out the way it’s meant to.

    2. Take responsibility.

    If the breakup was messy, or the friendship ended in a not so positive way, take responsibility for it. When you get to the point where you no longer blame someone else for how you feel, miraculous shifts occur.

    I often turn to my inner guide, the voice for love within me, and ask, “What is the spiritual lesson here?” Your power is always hidden behind the people and circumstance that disturb you the most.

    As some of my recent friendships evolved and fell away, I’ve discovered areas within myself that needed to be healed. The purpose of the relationship or the friendship was to show me those areas. Relationships can be amazing tools that catapult us to another level of peace and love.

    3. Trust that you always have everyone you need.

    This tiny idea can bring massive amounts of peace to your day. What if you woke up every morning knowing that every person you needed that day would be brought to you?

    I try and start my day with this idea because I immediately stop trying to control my reality, and instead, trust in my inner guidance a whole lot more.

    There is no one missing from this moment whom you need right now. If you’re sitting in a chair with no other bodies around, that’s because in this moment, your soul does not need anyone else to learn from.

    4. Get ready for new friendships and relationships.

    When you create the space for friendships and relationships that are not working to fall away, get ready, because new people who are more in-line with what your soul most needs to learn are on their way! This only becomes a fearful process when you forget that you’re always guided and that everything happens for you, not to you.

    5. Release your guilt.

    As I got more and more committed to praying, connecting to my true self, and meditating, I felt deep in my heart it was time for me to make some shifts in my outer world. That decision involved moving across the entire country, far away from family and all my friends.

    At first, a few of my close friends couldn’t understand why I was leaving, and for a brief moment I felt guilty about it. But I had to follow my path and trust that new people and experiences were on their way.

    Other people may not understand why you’re making the decision to move on, but that doesn’t matter. You can’t control what other people think. Always trust your heart and never feel guilty for it.

    No matter what, remember that every encounter is holy. Every person is a reflection of you. As you change, move, and grow, the reflections around you also change. Embrace them!

    There is no need to fearfully cling to relationships and friendships that are not working anymore. Rather, get excited about the new ones that are surely on their way. All changes are helpful.

  • Tiny Buddha’s Recreate Your Life Story eCourse Launches Today!

    Tiny Buddha’s Recreate Your Life Story eCourse Launches Today!

    Recreate Your Life Story Logo

    If you’re new to the site, you may be wondering who I am. Hi there! I’m Lori, and I’m the founder of Tiny Buddha.

    If you’re not new to the site, you may be wondering where I’ve been, since I haven’t written much lately.

    There are a few reasons for that. For one, I’ve focused a lot more on curating and editing blog posts from other community members. Secondly, I’ve been traveling, as I mentioned in a post in April.

    But aside from that, I’ve spent the last several months working on my first ever eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story: Change the Script and Be the Hero, with my partner Ehren Prudhel.

    The last time I remember feeling this excited was September 9, 2009. It was the day tinybuddha.com first appeared on the web—then a site with just a few pages, a handful of quotes, and only two other blog contributors.

    After spending more than a decade depressed, isolated, and anxious, and several more years in a process of self-discovery, I felt that unique blend of exhilaration and fear that comes from finally trying something new and putting yourself out there.

    Now, nearly four years later, the site has grown into a community of more than 650 writers and millions of readers—all connected by a common intention to embrace wisdom and growth.

    I believe this course I’m presenting to you today can be a powerful tool to support those intentions.

    It’s a fun, creative course blending self-help and film that can help you let go of the past so you can feel free, happy, and unlimited in the present—and confident about creating the future.

    There’s a whole lot more about the course at recreateyourlifestory.com, including the brand new trailer:

    Interested in learning more? Visit me at recreateyourlifestory.com!

  • Use Self-Acceptance to Learn from the Past and Let It Go

    Use Self-Acceptance to Learn from the Past and Let It Go

    Let Go

    “The obstacles of your past can become the gateways that lead to new beginnings.” ~Ralph Blum

    We are all familiar with the concept of “releasing the past.”

    As one who has experienced lots of events in my life that I’ve been anxious, at times, to let go of, I’m very familiar with this concept.

    We want to be present to fully experience everything in our lives, without being tethered to what has already occurred; we want to be ready, willing, and in the moment so we can take what comes at its face value. (Just in case you’re wondering, for me it’s a work in progress!)

    We do not want to evaluate our current and future experiences based on a past that we may, or may not have, enjoyed.

    I didn’t start to seriously consider my own desire to let go of the past until I came out of a really bad relationship.

    Part of my personal process of healing was some intense internal questioning and exploration of the experience. I started considering what I might actually want from a relationship, and what qualities I’d prefer in a partner.

    I realized I was thinking of what I wanted in terms of what I didn’t want.

    These “don’t wants” were all things I’d already experienced in the previous relationship. I recognized that I was actually anxious and nervous at the idea of the “don’t wants” occurring again, and that’s when I realized it was time to let go.

    This experience, and others, also helped me to realize that the desire to “release the past” is at odds with the common admonishment that we learn from it.

    When we are small, we learn by trying over and over (and sometimes over and over and over) again. We did not use a spoon correctly on the first attempt; nor did we walk without falling on our diapered butts many times. This is an absolutely normal part of the learning process.

    We were not born with the tendency to judge ourselves for how many times over we try; that came later. At some point, “attempts” became “mistakes,” and the self-judgment kicked in.

    This occurs in conjunction with recognizing the cultural belief that responsible people learn from their mistakes. This is a concept we value very highly in our human tribe. There is often great negative judgment placed on people who, it is perceived, make the same “mistakes” over and over.

    Most of us want to avoid feeling judged (by ourselves and others) and the unpleasant emotions that come with it, so we readily accept that we must learn from our errors.

    One of the ways we try to do this is by maintaining the related images and inner dialogue of the past in our present consciousness. Think of it as the past being front and center, right in our faces.

    It’s tough to let go of something that we are also maintaining a hold on so we do not forget it, and therefore repeat it.

    How can we move forward, both with releasing the past, and learning from it?

    Self-acceptance.

    When we consciously desire to let go of an old experience, what we are often actually saying is, “I’m not okay with what happened and I want to pretend it never occurred.” Not a lot of acceptance in that sentence, self or otherwise.

    What if we replace it with, “I’m not happy with what happened, but I accept that it did, it’s done, and I trust myself enough to leave it in the past, where it is.”

    Re-framing the “I’m not okay…” phrase with a little self-acceptance has a very different sound and feel.

    Similarly, it’s tough to learn from our mistakes when we are busy beating ourselves up over them.

    Acceptance of whatever occurred (your own bad behavior or someone else’s) can ease the process.

    There is a huge difference between learning from one’s mistakes and constantly berating oneself about said mistakes in an effort not to repeat them.

    I think we all want to live in the now—enjoying, noticing, appreciating, learning, and embracing our lives without the miscellaneous paraphernalia of the past coloring our perspectives and creating expectations that don’t support us.

    Stepping fully into the present is a wonderful gift to give ourselves. What are some tools you’ve found helpful when letting go of the past?

    Photo by truds09

  • When You Don’t Have a Clear Purpose: 4 Helpful Mantras to Adopt

    When You Don’t Have a Clear Purpose: 4 Helpful Mantras to Adopt

    “Don’t take life too seriously. You’ll never get out alive.” ~Elbert Hubbard

    I have always defined my life by my career. I think that was my first mistake.

    For the last six years, I worked at a publicity firm in Los Angeles.

    It was a job where your email is the first thing you check in the morning before getting out of bed. A job where you are on your phone while eating your dinner. A job where your boss calls you out of a funeral in order to send out a press release. Frequent travel, evening events to attend, and not a lot of free time. Not any free time.

    The problem was that this job became my life. I went from work, to home, to bed, each day.

    Seven months ago, I quit my job. In fact, not only did I quit my job, I moved out of my Los Angeles apartment and hopped on a one-way flight to Puerto Rico all in one week.

    I had met someone who opened my eyes to thinking differently and who let me see that I should try and find a life where I was happy.

    I realized that this job was not bringing me the life that I wanted to experience. My hair was falling out due to stress; I had migraines each week. My doctor even advised for a change.

    My first weeks in Puerto Rico were paradise. I lay on the beach, learned to dive, and got on a surfboard. I went to waterfalls, drank pina coladas, and I was in love. Soon, however, I started to come down off my high. I started to get anxiety.

    I realized what happened. When I took away my job, I took away 90% of the only thing I knew to be my life. I had a big hole inside of me now. I didn’t know what I enjoyed doing, what my hobbies were, or who I was as a person.

    Keeping busy through work never allowed me time to think about things like that. Now that I had no job filling my time, I was overwhelmed with thinking. The thinking soon led to over-analyzing, which then led to anxiety.

    I woke up each day with a knot in my stomach. What was I doing? Am I going to be happy today? What am I going to do for a career? What is my life going to be like in Puerto Rico?

    Often I would worry that my new relationship would fail. My boyfriend fell in love with me because of my independence, my drive, and my passion—all of which he observed through my former job. Now that the job was gone, I felt I had lost all of those traits as well and that he soon would fall out of love with me.

    What I came to realize was that “I” was not my career. That wasn’t what defined me. I still had all of those traits and more. I was putting these thoughts and worries into my head that didn’t need to be there.

    People fantasize about living on a tropical island. Seeing the ocean each morning when you wake up. Walking beaches with not a single other person on the sand. So why, in the land of paradise, was I causing myself so much worry and stress?

    If I couldn’t cease my worries here, I certainly had no hope anywhere else.

    So I made it my mission to not take life so seriously and to learn to be present each day in order to find happiness within myself and for my new life. These were my daily mantras:

    1. Give yourself some credit.

    I took a big risk when I quit my job. I took an even bigger risk moving to an island. Rather than being down on myself for not having a career at the moment or not feeling like my life has a purpose, I give myself credit for the little things: learning Spanish a bit more, attempting to surf, taking pilates each week at a local studio, meeting new people.

    When you are focusing on what you see as bad things, you are preventing the good from shining through.

    Don’t be so hard on yourself. Take ten minutes of meditation time each day and thank yourself for it afterward. Get up early and make a healthy breakfast. Talk to someone new in line at the coffee shop. Notice the little things you are already doing each day for yourself.

    2. Stop thinking so much.

    Think of nothing for two whole minutes. Clear your mind. Don’t put effort into thinking about things that haven’t happened yet. It will just cause you worry. It’s too much for one little mind and it’s a waste of your time and energy.

    I still catch myself in a whirlwind of thoughts each day and every time this happens, I stop, I take three deep breaths, I think about something positive, and I smile. There is always a reason to smile and less of a reason to worry.

    3. It’s okay to take a break.

    My family asked me why I was wasting a college degree and why I spent my 401k to move to an island. I didn’t have a straight answer for them, but I did know that I worked harder than I ever had for six years of my life, for almost twelve hours each day and put up with a lack of appreciation for what I did.

    So it was okay if I took some time to do nothing. You don’t have to be achieving scientific discovery every day. It’s okay to take time to simply be and to experience life.

    4. You don’t have to find your life purpose tomorrow.

    I used to hate the saying “find what you love and go do it.” As if it’s so easy. But each day, don’t be afraid to attempt something new. In Puerto Rico, I have learned that I actually like oysters. I love being in the water. I am more creative than I thought I could be.

    I still haven’t found what I love in life or what my “purpose” is, but trying is the only way to find it.

  • Imperfection Is Lovable and You Are Enough

    Imperfection Is Lovable and You Are Enough

    “You’re imperfect, and you’re wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.” ~Brene Brown

    We are all perfectly imperfect just as we are.

    Yes, it’s true. Sometimes hard to believe, but always the truth. Believe me.

    I’ve always recognized that I am a perfectionist.

    I was the little girl who wanted to know how to play the piano at my first lesson, how to roller blade the first time I tried, how to do the splits at my first gymnastics class.

    I’ve always wanted to do it right the first time.

    On the one hand, I appreciate my intention to do and be my best at whatever I do, but on the other hand, I see how this mentality has often paralyzed my efforts and prevented me from daring and learning to be brilliant.

    The one practice I’ve committed to in my life, where I’ve been willing to be less than perfect and continue to embrace each day, is yoga.

    The meditative quality, the healing breath, the invigorating movement all resonate with me and remind me to just be where and who I am, in each moment.

    It’s been fifteen years now since I began my yoga practice in an effort to release the tension in my neck that was triggering chronic headaches during my first year studying at UCLA.

    I felt transformed after my very first yoga class and just knew that I would grow and expand with my practice.

    In the beginning, most of my transformation was physical—feeling more relaxed, open, energized, and flexible. In recent years, my practice has guided me to expand my perspective, and I find myself open to understanding life anew.

    I’m discovering new ways of being and of seeing the world.

    Just two months ago I had a revelation.

    I was communicating with a life coach who is an incredible listener, endeavoring to understand why I was constantly feeling challenged in my relationship with my husband. Together, we realized that I was creating the same expectations of perfection for him as I had carried for myself since childhood.

    A memory surfaced: me, around twelve years old, sharing my report card with my father.

    “Why are they not all As?” he questioned unapologetically.

    I glanced at my grades, noticing that I’d earned six A’s and one B+, and said, “I did my best.”

    “I expect all A’s next time,” he firmly instructed.

    “I’ll do better,” I submissively acquiesced.

    And this stuck. The need to do better than my best. The desire to be better than myself. I wanted my father’s approval. I wanted my father’s love. I wanted my father’s attention. And so, I worked even harder and earned a 4.0 GPA each semester.

    But you know what? It was never enough.

    I never felt enough. I never could earn the love and attention that I desperately craved from him. 

    I needed to look within myself.

    Now, some twenty years later, I’m still struggling with my tendency toward perfectionism.

    This insight is life changing: A chance to understand myself better. A reflection of how and why I choose to think and act the way I do. An opportunity to acknowledge that I’ve associated being perfect with being lovable.

    Now, without judgment or criticism for myself or my father, I have the choice to change.

    I can choose to shift my perspective and tell a new story. I choose to embrace a new truth…

    Imperfection is lovable.

    With this knowledge, I see my relationship with myself and with my husband, my children, my family, my friends—with life itself—in a new light.

    We are all imperfect.

    But who wants to be perfect anyway? How boring that would be!

    The most fun is in the growing, in the expansion, in the learning and becoming ever more who we are.

    I release the compulsion to be perfect, to constantly achieve, do more, handle every task on my to-do list immediately.

    I allow myself to be more present, to be in the moment, to remember what matters most: love.

    I can let go of always doing and instead let myself be. I can stop rushing around handling tasks, and allow myself to stop and smell the roses with my daughters, kiss my husband, call a friend, stare in wonder at the beauty of our universe.

    I am worthy of love, I know I belong, I recognize my life has meaning, and I give myself permission to take it easy and just be me.

    I embrace this truth:

    I am good enough. I do enough. I have enough. I work enough. I love enough. I am beautiful enough. I am smart enough.

    I am enough.

    Can you say this to yourself and really mean it? Practice. Notice how it feels.

    With this new perspective, everything blossoms.

    I allow myself to make mistakes without being judgmental.

    I give others space to be imperfect without being critical.

    I allow myself to be me.

    I allow myself to love myself just as I am.

    I allow myself to love others just as they are.

    Whenever I begin to lose focus of this reassuring truth, when I start to feel overwhelmed by all the “shoulds” and judgments in my mind, I sit in stillness in my meditation space.

    I read the words I’ve etched on my chalkboard wall:

    I am enough. Surrender. Live and let live. Imperfection is lovable. Be human.

    Immersed in the sensation of my breath, I choose to focus my mind on these powerful truths. Soon, I relax into the comfort of knowing that all is well. And I begin again the journey of self-love and acceptance.

    I am grateful for being where I am, for all the wisdom and love so many gracious and kind people have shared, and for the powerful practice of yoga that encourages self-awareness and growth.

    I am grateful for the opportunity to recognize the perfection in our imperfection and to use this wisdom to infinitely improve my interactions with the people I love the most.

    Our minds are powerful. Our thoughts are powerful. Our love is powerful.

    Let us choose to focus on the good, appreciate who we are, share our love unconditionally.

    Let us remember that we are enough.

    Let us embrace our value and know we belong.

    Let us always remember that our imperfections are lovable.

    Can you practice loving yourself and others unconditionally today?

    Every beautiful journey and inspiring transformation begins with an intention and moving in the direction of where you hope to be.

    Wishing you ease in loving and freedom to be just who you are.

    Be human. Be perfectly imperfect. Be you. Just be.

  • Letting Go of Fear and Living in Peace

    Letting Go of Fear and Living in Peace

    At Peace

    “Peace cannot be kept by force.  It can only be achieved by understanding.”  ~Albert Einstein

    I sat in the waiting room of the dermatologist’s office waiting to be seen. For years I have had skin problems, from fungal infections to dermatitis. But when my dentist noticed an indentation the size of a mosquito bite on my upper lip that had not healed in the five weeks since I had seen her, she sent an urgent message to my primary care physician.

    The next day, I was seen by my primary care physician and referred immediately to a dermatologist. The medical receptionist handed me a piece of paper with a big green dot next to the words “cancer screening.”

    The word “cancer” brought up all sorts of images:  throwing up, losing hair, and sometimes death.

    Years ago, I was diagnosed with pre-cancer. Had it finally developed into the real thing? 

    There were two other patients in the waiting room. An older woman with yellow tinted sunglasses and a full head of wavy gray hair sat completely absorbed reading a magazine article.

    A younger woman with long brown hair clutched an explanation from the medical billing department about the cost of other services, but no matter how many times she glanced at the paper, her gaze quickly flickered away, as if she was preoccupied with other thoughts.

    Had she also come to discover whether or not she was cancer-free?

    An undercurrent of agitation swam beneath the waiting room calmness, and I closed my eyes briefly and practiced breathing.

    When I was in my twenties, my mind and body wellness doctor mentioned I had a tendency to hold my breath during crucial moments, locking emotions into my body long after the event had taken place. The key was to remember to breathe during those big moments and let the feelings flow through me instead of getting stuck.

    I thought about dying and realized I was not afraid to die.  I was at peace with myself and how I had lived my life. 

    Sure, I thought about the practical things: bills, savings, and life insurance. I also thought about the impractical things: husband and children. I even thought about my legacy: my books and my paintings.

    If I died, I had enough life insurance to pay off the mortgage and allow my husband time to remarry. If I died, my children would finish growing up without a mother but not without mother-figures. If I died, the books and paintings would go on to entertain and delight others.

    What surprised me most was I didn’t have an urgent need to execute a bucket list if I was told I had only six months or a year to live. I felt no desire to quit my job, travel the world, or race a formula one car. I would go on as I had always done: following the same routine every day until there were no days left.

    Why?

    Over the years, I had abandoned the emergency living I was accustomed to as a young adult in favor of the one-day-at-a-time practice of mindfulness I had adopted as a middle-aged woman.

    Gone were the spontaneous forays into carpe diem that led me down selfish roads that hurt the ones I loved.

    Gone were the days when I would miserably brood over the things others had done to hurt me, whether unknowingly or intentionally. Gone were the fantasies of a life full of adventure at the expense of abandoning a disabled child I struggled to love.

    Now carpe diem translated into loading the dishwasher for my tired husband although it was his assigned chore. Now I no longer brooded miserably over hurt feelings, but said something immediately to diffuse misunderstanding. Now I no longer pined for foreign adventures, but cherished spending quiet moments with my disabled son.

    Sure, I had moments of discontent. Who doesn’t? But a fight with my husband no longer propelled me into arms of another man.

    Sure, I still envied people who could travel to foreign countries without rearranging the lives of everyone around them. But I found contentment in reading about their adventures, knowing how exhausting it already was to hire and train a respite worker to care for my son just so my husband and I could have a night out.

    Sure, I still had hopes and dreams for a life of abundance, but I was no longer going to discount the blessings I already had.

    If I did have cancer and if I did die from it, I would not change a thing in my life.

    I was not afraid of dying. Dying meant leaving my body, a habitat everyone must eventually leave. Who was I to ask to have my body forever?

    No one knew what exactly happened to the soul, but I suspected it would transcend whatever limits the body had imposed on me. If nothing else, I would live on through the ones I had left behind and their lives would become inextricably connected with mine.

    When the nurse called my name, I stood up and went into the examination room. The dermatologist arrived shortly thereafter and examined me.

    He didn’t know whether or not the skin abnormality was cancerous or not, but he wanted me to try an experimental drug for one month before performing a biopsy and authorizing further treatment.

    I left the doctor’s office without a firm diagnosis. I still don’t know whether or not I have cancer. And, frankly, it doesn’t matter whether or not I have it or whether or not I will die from it.

    What matters is the life I have been given.

    None of us knows when our time on this planet will be up. But we all know we have choices on how we live the moments that have been given to us right now. Our thoughts and our actions illuminate who we are and what we have to give.

    Each moment, no matter how seemingly insignificant, is wrought with hope and faith and love. 

    Breathe in, breathe out. You cannot be afraid if you live in peace.

    Photo by Frank Volachek

  • Good News: Bad Moods Don’t Have to Be So Bad

    Good News: Bad Moods Don’t Have to Be So Bad

    “Most of the shadows in life are caused by standing in our own sunshine.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

    How many times have you heard “Follow your heart” or “Let emotion be your guide”?

    Too many to count, I’d bet.

    It’s generally good advice; it’s certainly wiser to follow your own feelings than to blindly do what other people think you should do.

    But reading into your emotions can also lead you astray.

    You see, you are always feeling your thinking. You are not necessarily always feeling “the truth,” or even your own personal truth.

    Every emotion, feeling, or mood you experience follows directly from the thinking you are experiencing. That thinking is not always accurate or important. It does not always indicate what’s best for you.

    In reality, your feelings are nothing more than feedback about your thinking.

    Feelings are not feedback about your mental health, the state of your life, or whether you have the “right” job, partner, or dietary habits.

    I used to think they were. When something in my environment seemingly aroused negative emotion in me, I’d jump into action. Life became a game of adding in the “right stuff” and subtracting out the “wrong stuff” in order to feel as good as possible.

    I thought this was very enlightened; after all, I was no longer willing to put up with what didn’t feel good and I was consciously choosing more of what did.

    I’d notice some negative feelings about my job and immediately start looking for a new one. Clearly, my job wasn’t a good fit. I deserved a job where I could be nearly-always happy, I reasoned.

    Predictably (in hindsight), the moment I decided the job wasn’t a good fit, a million examples of how it wasn’t perfect would show up—things I had never noticed before. I took those as “signs”—further evidence that I had better focus on that exit strategy, and fast.

    Since I decided that my job was the cause of my distress and that I’d feel much better when I found a new one, that naturally led to the conclusion that that I wouldn’t feel better until I was in that new job.

    I innocently set things up so that I couldn’t possibly be happy until I made the change that was supposed to fix everything.

    I also did this in reverse, by the way, adding in more of the good-feeling “stuff” that I thought were the source of the positive emotions I craved.

    Although I thought this an enlightened way to be, hunting and gathering good-feeling “stuff” and playing whack-a-mole with bad-feeling “stuff,” it was based on the gigantic illusion that my feelings were based on my surroundings.

    In truth, my feelings were simply feedback about my thinking, and my thinking was not dictated by my job or anything else outside of myself.

    Thinking isn’t dictated by anything. It just arises, with emotion tagging along, and we hold on to it and tell stories about it.

    Or we don’t.

    Nothing needs to be done.

    Rather than jumping into addition or subtraction action, relax. There is nothing to do with or about bad feelings. Because thoughts are transitory, impersonal, and always in motion, feelings are too.

    The word emotion means in motion, as in always moving.

    From the time you woke up this morning to right now, you’ve probably had a few hundred thousand thoughts and feelings to which you paid virtually no attention. Paid no attention, they promptly floated away—in motion—and were replaced by new thoughts and feelings.

    Each time your mind drifts from the morning staff meeting to your lunch plans and back to the meeting again, it’s happening. Each time you cycle through, “I’m having a fantastic hair day” to “Did I clean the cat hair off this jacket?” to “I hope it’s warm enough to go without a jacket tonight,” it’s happening.

    Thoughts and feelings change all day every day with absolutely no effort or fanfare.

    This would be true of all thoughts and feelings if you treated them all the way you treat the ones about meetings, lunch, and hair.

    But since you’re human, you don’t treat them all the same. You hold on to some thoughts and spin them around in your mind. You give them importance and meaning. You imbue them with emotion and attention, which are the equivalent of mental superglue.

    Thoughts are like breath—when you stop holding your breath, new breath rushes in. When you stop holding your thoughts, new ones rush in, bringing new feelings in tow.

    All you ever have “to do” is nothing. The only position you ever have to take is of non-interference.

    What’s Possible

    Nearly everyone I talk to wants bad feelings to go away. Even when they intellectually understand that bad feelings aren’t meaningful or harmful, and even when they intellectually get that feelings are always in motion, they feel down and instantly try to feel better.

    They think I’m naive or unrealistically spiritual when I tell them that bad feelings don’t have to be a big deal. They don’t have to feel so “bad.”

    “You don’t understand my emotions,” they say. “Mine hit harder than others’.”

    Or, “But everyone knows shame is the hardest to handle,” or “I’ve had these since birth, so they’re more real than most.”

    I still say they don’t have to be so bad.

    The more you understand that your experience of life is entirely thought-created and that “you” aren’t what you think you are, your attachment to feelings—good and bad—begins to shift.

    You connect and identify with something deeper, something beyond fleeting feelings.

    It becomes obvious that bad feelings are only your surface psychology; they can’t touch who you truly are. You can rest in your true self which is always stable and always there.

    As it turns out, much of the negative experience of emotions is the cover-up. It’s when you resist, hide, or try to change those emotions that you experience them as painful.

    When you do that, you’re playing with mental superglue again. You’re putting so much pressure and focus on those emotions that they are held in place. Remember, when you don’t hold on to thought and emotion, new thought and emotion rushes in.

    I can honestly say that my experience of bad feelings is drastically different than it once was. This may sound insane, but I don’t mind feeling “bad” so much anymore.

    In fact, sometimes it’s kind of nice to settle into a bad mood. It’s a little like the comfort you might find in a rainy day once you accept that the rain is a reality and stop wanting it to change.

    I find myself deciding to just lay low and ride out the mood, just like I would the rain. I know it will change. Paradoxically, when I approach bad moods in this way they end up changing before I have a chance to experience them as “bad.”

    Emotions are naturally in motion. There is an awareness and distance that prevents me from being taken down by them.

    This is completely possible for anyone, even you.

  • Learning to Trust Again When You’ve Been Hurt in the Past

    Learning to Trust Again When You’ve Been Hurt in the Past

    “The only way to know if you can trust somebody is to trust them.” ~Ernest Hemingway

    In a world where it seems as though all we hear about and see is how one person betrayed another, how do we allow ourselves to trust someone to get close at all, let alone trust them to be near the most fragile parts of us?

    Over the course of the last year, I’ve been working as an intern-counselor at a residential high school with around seventy teenagers. Many of them have come from unbelievably challenging backgrounds where they have had to learn to not trust anyone as a matter of survival.

    Imagine having spent your entire life always having to watch your back literally and figuratively, not just because there are strangers who may want to harm you, but also because even those who are supposed to be close to you could turn against you in an instant.

    How difficult do you think it would be to let down the defenses that kept you safe and in some cases, alive, for so long?

    In my own world, I’ve struggled with allowing people to really know me because for most of my life, it felt as though I was burned every time I did.

    Over time, I learned how to seem friendly but kept virtually everyone at a distance, and those who got too close I rapidly pushed away, sometimes completely out of my life.

    I was already struggling to put my pieces back together after several major tragedies in my family, and allowing others in meant (the possibility of) compounding my heartbreak. I just couldn’t handle anymore at the time.

    Eventually I began to open up, but each time found myself wondering why I had been so naive again.

    Then there came a point where, slowly but surely, people began to enter my life who showed me what it meant to be able to trust—trust them to show up, trust them to listen, trust them with commitments, and the biggest one of all, trust them with my heart.

    These people came in the form of friends who are now my family and have had my back in countless ways over the years, and the most surprising and recent of all, a man who is not only telling me, but showing me, what a man does to express his profound interest beyond just the physical.

    If I wouldn’t have begun to take down my walls, I may have never found these amazing people. They didn’t appear because I had perfectly learned to trust already. They appeared because I was willing to learn to trust, even if imperfectly.

    As I’ve been learning to trust and lower my defenses, I’ve been working with my students to do the same.

    Their stories are different in that many of them have come from a history of abuse and/or gang related activities. But we share a similar outcome in struggling to realize that what once protected us is no longer needed, and in some cases, is actually hurting us further by isolating us from the love we need to heal and move forward.

    It’s like taking too much medicine; sometimes a certain amount is necessary to get better, but beyond that it can break our systems down.

    We each come to crossroads in our lives where we have to make the decision to let go of our old survival mechanisms in order to grow and make room for something better.

    Sometimes what used to protect us becomes what harms us and stifles the capacity for our lives to be open and full of joy, love, and peace.

    When it comes to trusting each other, we have to accept that our past is not our present. We have to be able to recognize that what hurt us before is not necessarily what is currently standing before us—even sometimes when the situation looks frighteningly similar, and sometimes even when it’s the same person.

    Does this mean we won’t ever get hurt again? Nope. That’s a part of life. People will let us down, and we will let them down, but that doesn’t mean our efforts to disassemble our defense mechanisms are in vain.

    If we never allow ourselves any vulnerability, we lose out on the opportunity to make incredibly deep and meaningful connections that open up our lives in ways that couldn’t happen any other way.

    Those connections draw out the very best within and create a new reality—one where we learn that the only way to know if you can trust somebody is to trust them.

  • How I Found My Inner Balance When I Was Tired of Feeling Anxious

    How I Found My Inner Balance When I Was Tired of Feeling Anxious

    “Within you there is a stillness and a sanctuary to which you can retreat at any time and be yourself.” ~Hermann Hesse

    As a child in ballet I was chastised for my inability to capture attitude or arabesque. With only one foot planted on the ground I reached for anything to prop myself up—the barre, the instructor, an unsuspecting fellow tutu-wearing classmate who would then lose balance herself.

    My days at ballet were short lived, but my trouble balancing was not. This persisted for decades, through college and into the early years of my marriage.

    Now I was no longer just hoping to stand steadily and gracefully on one foot, but instead was trying endlessly to balance hopes with expectations, mental energy with physical willingness, yearning and desire with fatigue and dread.

    Fast-forward through my short-lived childhood aspirations of becoming a ballerina to my first yoga class. Walking into the classroom I instinctively stretched out my mat at the end of the room, right up against the wall. Without thinking about it I created a safety net to hold onto. In case of a fall, the wall would be right there. In case I lost my balance.

    About midway through the practice my instructor set up a metaphor that stuck with me. “Your mat is your world, and you are here, present in the midst of it,” she said. “We all have areas of our life that need attention. Start applying that attention here and now.”

    As she guided us into a new pose she concluded, “If you require strength, then push yourself harder. If you require peace, then take a deep breath.”

    That is when I toppled over—as if on cue, and the wall didn’t catch me either. A sign could not have struck me more clearly. My mat is my world, and I need to find balance.

    But the mat wasn’t actually my world, and outside of the yoga studio there were things calling to me. There were questions I had to answer, decisions I needed to make, people I had to talk to. With two feet planted firmly on the ground I was still in danger of losing balance.

    This lack of balance stretched far beyond my physical abilities. It poured over into my personal life, academic endeavors, and career choices. Imbalance seemingly seeped into every action I attempted.

    I developed an all-or-nothing mentality. I either had a calendar packed with things to do at every waking moment or I let every bit of it go and spent long days in bed, wondering if anyone would call. I was either overconfident in my abilities or completely unsure of myself; I felt loved or I felt hated.

    This perpetual imbalance left me in a constant state of anxiety. I didn’t know what to expect out of myself. So I took a step back, evaluated the role I was playing in my own life, and I found my center.

    In my journey to finding inner balance, I found that there are five fundamental changes I had to make:

    1. Stop being busy.

    Busyness isn’t a packed to-do list; it’s a mentality. If you want to be busy, things you love to do and even otherwise relaxing activities can grow overwhelming as you turn them into tasks.

    Busyness can quickly become a mask to hide behind. I wanted people to think I was busy more than I wanted to do the tasks I had taken on. I let go of the need to be busy and learned to accept and appreciate downtime as space for self-development.

    2. Learn when to let chances pass.

    Opportunities knock, but not all of them are right for you. Job offers will come, friendships will be formed, and investments will be proposed. Not all of them need to be taken. There are things that I have thought I wanted, and when finally faced with the chance to act I felt more obligated than interested.

    Continuing down this road isn’t helping anyone and is only going to drive you towards greater imbalance. Learn to cut your losses and listen to your gut.

    3. Recognize external pressure.

    Not every problem you face is your problem to solve. Friends, family members, and co-workers may inadvertently push their problems onto your shoulders to bear, but you do not need to accept it. External pressure can drive you to make decisions you aren’t comfortable with and can cause you to second-guess yourself.

    Listen to yourself first, and reassert your personal control over your own actions.

    If there was no pressure there would be no need for finding balance. Part of maintaining balance in your life is finding the will to continue in the face of pressure, and learning when it is okay to let it go.

    4.  Stop rushing.

    I once grew pestered with my husband for taking so long to get ready for a day at the beach, and then became flustered by the traffic on our way there. He found it hilarious that I could grow so stressed in this situation. “Hurry up to wait” is what he called it, and he was right.

    I created a deadline where there wasn’t one and forced my desire to rush onto him.

    No one has the right to dictate how anyone else spends their time. You move at your own pace and I, at mine. We all have destinations we are striving to reach, whether they are physical, emotional, or even in our career.

    There are things to learn along the way, so don’t rush the process.

    5. Accept the present.

    The past is loaded with anxiety and thoughts about things you should have or could have done. The future is packed with unknowns and ideals of what should happen. Constantly struggling between the past and future will leave anyone unbalanced.

    The present is the center. To find balance you have to accept the moment you are living in now. The past has already played out, and the future will unravel as it comes. The time worth thinking about is now.

    There are things in life that are going to knock you off your feet, and there are times that you are going to lose balance. Maintaining inner balance isn’t just learning how to stay grounded. It involves finding the strength to get back up after you fall and to try again.

  • 9 Ways You May Unwittingly Deprive Yourself of Love and Fulfillment

    9 Ways You May Unwittingly Deprive Yourself of Love and Fulfillment

    “Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ~Rumi

    Do you want to let go and live life fully?

    If you feel that you are missing out on fulfillment and happiness, but cannot put your finger on why, perhaps there is something deeper going on.

    Believe it or not, anyone can develop an unconscious habit of self-deprivation. Usually this habit begins in childhood.

    Here’s how mine developed.

    When I was younger, if anyone approached and tried to attend to my needs, I’d make sure they understood that I was just fine without their help.

    Interestingly, I was also accident-prone. I was always managing to take a spill, as if in hot pursuit of another skinned knee or broken bone. Yet, I cannot remember one instance when I welcomed sympathy or caring or intervention from anyone.

    I guess thought I was pretty tough. Looking back, I also wonder how much I wanted to prove that I didn’t need other people. I am fine! Now, kindly leave me alone. This was my attitude.

    Why? There could be many reasons.

    You could call it genetics—just look at the other men in my family. Enough said!

    You could say I had a somewhat cold and distant mother. I was proving to her that I didn’t need her anyway.

    You could even blame the primal backlash that occurs when we exit the womb. When we make the transition from the oblivious comfort and security of the womb into a world where, by comparison, we feel deprived, controlled, and rejected, we are bound suffer some maladaptive consequences.

    We could find lots of things to blame, but the point is, I developed this pattern. And I marched right into adulthood with it firmly in place.

    The unintended outcome was that I rarely felt loved (imagine that). It was hard to be close to anyone and I felt disconnected, empty, and alone. I didn’t want to feel this way, but that’s what happens as you refuse to connect when people reach out.

    I couldn’t have been more successful if my unconscious mind had an actual goal to keep me in a state of emptiness and deprivation.

    The big AHA moment came when I realized I was attached to being emotionally deprived. Attachments are not a conscious choice, but an unwitting set up that lands us in that old, familiar place where we do not get what we want.

    Amazingly, over the years we learn to tolerate it, come to expect it, and even prefer the deprivation in some strange, familiar way. It is critical to recognize when this is happening.

    Here are nine signs you have developed an attachment to deprivation, unwittingly setting yourself up to feel unfulfilled:

    1. You don’t express your needs.

    Refusing to express your needs virtually guarantees deprivation. Millions of people allow others to ignore, take advantage, and take them for granted because they will not speak up.

    2. You are overly focused on the needs of others.

    Focusing solely on the needs of others at the expense of your own is actually a disservice to yourself and others. It typically leads to resentment and emotional martyrdom.

    3. You feel guilty when you do something for yourself.

    Guilt or “selfish” feelings when you meet your own needs is a sign that you don’t believe you deserve to have them met, as if it were wrong.

    4. You can’t take compliments.

    Not accepting compliments graciously (inside and out) is a way to deflect them, depriving yourself of the need to be appreciated.

    5. You are attracted to emotionally unavailable or self-centered people.

    A sure way to not to get your needs met is to attract emotionally unavailable or narcissistic people into your life. When you commit to these kinds of people, you set yourself up for a lifetime of emotional deprivation.

    6. You expect disappointment.

    Expecting disappointment keeps fulfillment at a distance. Going into situations anticipating disappointment becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

    7. You don’t know what you want or cannot define your purpose in life.

    This is so common! People usually don’t think of it this way, but not knowing what you want or even trying to figure it out is a way to avoid your purpose. Living with a sense of purpose is a huge need that brings meaning and fulfillment.

    8. You shy away from intimacy.

    When you avoid close relationships or shy away from deeper connections with people, you miss out on this fundamental contribution to happiness and fulfillment.

    9. You cannot enjoy the moment.

    Letting go and having fun in the here and now is an important way to experience fulfillment and reduce stress. It is a huge need! Staying in your head, remaining preoccupied or self-conscious robs you of the opportunity to enjoy your now.

    Each of the above examples leads us straight into deprivation, even though we did not consciously choose to go there. It is important to shine the healing light of awareness on this issue and begin to question whether or not it is appropriate to continue doing this at this point in life.

    My self-deprivation tendency, to act too tough to accept help and love, is much softer these days. I’ve been working on it. In the process, I have discovered a whole new world of support—people who are willing to love and be loved, to support and be supported.

    This new world has always been available; it was just hidden behind my attachment.

    Look for the signs of a deprivation attachment in your life. You may be surprised at what you find!