Tiny Buddha

Category: letting go

  • It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

    It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

    Sad Woman

    “Love yourself—accept yourself—forgive yourself—and be good to yourself, because without you the rest of us are without a source of many wonderful things.” ~Leo F. Buscaglia

    In 2009 I traveled to Perth, Western Australia, to further my education. Little did I know how much my life would change.

    I befriended lots of people and met a tall, gorgeous man from South Asia. He was not the type of guy I normally dated, but I fell for him anyway.

    It was our happy fun time in 2010. Then, in early 2011, I sensed a change.

    It’s funny when you’re in a relationship with someone; you can feel when something just isn’t right. 

    I had that feeling.

    You see, ever since we became a couple, we could talk about anything without feeling judged or embarrassed. We were happy, so when suddenly he changed and became very private, it raised an alarm in me.

    It turned out he was having an affair—not just with one, but with two women at the same time. The pain, the hurt, the humiliation, and the numbness that came afterward were unbearable.

    I literally forced the truth out of him. I knew it would hurt, but I had to know his reasons. How could someone with a kind heart cheat on a person and create a new relationship based on a lie? Questions bounced around in my head for months.

    Eventually I forgave him, and so did the others. But unfortunately for me, I let myself stay in this drama.

    I latched myself to him—and lost myself—while feeling confused by his conflicted feelings toward me, between “I want you” and “I don’t.” (more…)

  • Gaining Freedom from Our Obsession with Possessions

    Gaining Freedom from Our Obsession with Possessions

    Smiling Woman

    “How pointless life could be, what a foolish business of inventing things to love, just so you could dread losing them.” ~Barbara Kingsolver

    Approximately one month after graduating from a privileged institution on the East Coast, I was standing knee deep in rainforest on the Big Island of Hawaii cutting weeds with a small kama.

    Here I was, with a brand new Master’s degree in Education Policy, genuinely confused as to whether I was cutting the right plant because my entire life before that had been about sitting on the computer doing mind work.

    Despite my lack of experience, the humidity, and the mosquitos that just wouldn’t quit, I still remember thinking to myself, “This is the happiest I’ve ever been.”

    My goal, like so many others who choose to go to graduate school, was to finish my program in a specialized field and get a higher paying job with the prospect of moving up the proverbial ladder.

    I needed a higher paying job to pay not only my bills, but also to maintain all my possessions, which I identified with so strongly.

    In an increasingly globalized and interconnected world, countless corporations and advertisers work hand in hand to convince us of our inherent need to possess possessions, and they deliver the message that our worth can be counted by the quantity and price tag of our material belongings.

    Catchy songs and slogans, promises of happiness in a bottle, and endless portrayals of a “better” life inundate us the minute we turn on the television or step outside our house to work for a paycheck that seems to slip through our fingers as we buy more and more without ever feeling as if we have enough.

    Like countless others, I bought into this harmful ideal and spent the summer of 2013 feeling as if I was drowning in debt.

    My credit card was maxed out, I had quit my job because I disagreed with the politics, and the only job I could manage to find was part-time and barely paid more than minimum wage.

    When I started my graduate program I thought to myself that if this degree didn’t help me find a well-paying job, I was a failure.

    Well, I didn’t end up finding a job after graduation, and in August 2014, I decided that if I was going to be jobless I might as well be jobless in a beautiful setting.

    With a few thousand dollars in my savings account, a one-way ticket, and a single suitcase, I went to a donation only ten-day Vipassana meditation retreat on the Big Island of Hawaii.

    Looking back on my trek across three beautiful islands in Hawaii, (the Big Island, Maui, and Kauai), I realized that my time spent in silent meditation at the beginning was necessary.

    It was the first time since I started kindergarten at age five that I didn’t go to school and/or work in pursuit of “the good life” that had been marketed to me for as long as I can remember.

    Among people from all over the world and all walks of life, I ate simple vegetarian meals, slept in a borrowed tent, and gave up any possible distractions including all electronics, books, and writing materials.

    It was the single hardest challenge I have yet to undertake, and there were moments of such intense misery that I seriously considered asking for my things and returning home before completion.

    With absolutely nothing to entertain me, I found myself reading and rereading a pamphlet I didn’t realize I had from the plane, and watching a group of turkeys for over an hour as they did nothing more than go along with their daily lives.

    I realized in tears after a profound meditation that I’d maxed out my credit card because I was trying to fill a void in the midst of an emotionally toxic relationship and I was disenchanted with a job that I had once thought of as perfect for me.

    I emerged from the retreat with a better sense of who I was and the resolution to live as simply and sustainably as possible.

    On the Big Island I volunteered at an aspiring eco-hostel where I slept on an old school bus that had been cleared of its seats and replaced with two twin mattresses and a table.

    In Maui I toiled on a permaculture farm high in the mountains and shared a tent and later a small bedroom with my close friend.

    Kauai led us to volunteering at a beautiful multi-million dollar home where my friend and I alternated between sleeping on the couch in the main house and a recently renovated toolshed that fit only a small twin-sized bed.

    Throughout my time in Hawaii I left behind many of my things, some voluntarily and others involuntarily.

    I donated restrictive clothing that no longer seemed to fit my more laid back attitude and two comfortable pillows that I had initially been sure I would take with me wherever I went.

    However, it was my reaction to my involuntary losses that made me realize the futility of holding on to material possessions I once considered essential in the concrete jungle: my cell phone and my music playing device.

    Before, these losses would have aroused a plethora of negative emotions in me: regret, anger, sadness, frustration, and most certainly the overwhelming desperation to replace them as quickly as possible.

    Having very little came with a big benefit, however: I had very little to lose. An even bigger benefit was that I learned to appreciate what I did have.

    Sometimes we make ourselves sick with worry over keeping our possessions safe in our care and sick with longing for what we don’t have.

    This comes with associating our worth and our happiness with material objects that no matter how much we care for, eventually deteriorate over time or go out of style only to be replaced with a newer version.

    And so the cycle continues.

    Breaking the dizzying cycle of materialism doesn’t have to include donating all our belongings to a charity, however. There are three simple steps you can take toward gaining freedom from your possessions and breaking the cycle of more, more, more.

     1. Cut down on what you already have.

    It doesn’t have to be something drastic. Studies have shown that removing clutter from our surroundings leads to a calmer and clearer state of mind.

    Start with one room instead of trying to take on the whole house. Are there any clothes you haven’t worn in years? Be honest and really consider if you’ll ever wear it again.

    Personal styles come and go, and there’s no shame in donating something that still has a price tag on it, you’ve only worn a few times, or is uncomfortable due to our beautifully changing bodies.

    2. Think twice before you buy.

    “If I don’t get this I’m going to regret it tomorrow.” “It’s such a good deal I’d be foolish not to buy it!”

    Wait a day to buy whatever you think you need, especially if you hadn’t planned on buying it before you saw it.

    More often than not, our concentration is pulled in other directions and we don’t even remember the item we just “had” to have the day before. Or, the prospect of going back to the store is simply not worth it.

     3. Be grateful for what you have.

    This is by far the most important piece of advice I can give to anyone. There was a day when the servers offered candy for the first time during lunch, and I don’t think I ever enjoyed a small hard candy as much in my entire life.

    Being without so much of what I took for granted every day during my meditation retreat (including any chairs with backs!) and during much of my travels led me to realize that focusing on the small things I had made me infinitely happier.

    Smiling woman image via Shutterstock

  • How to Stop Believing You’re Not Good Enough

    How to Stop Believing You’re Not Good Enough

    Insecure

    “All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.” ~Buddha

    Have you ever heard the phrase “your thoughts create your reality”? Have you ever wondered what this means?

    Go back to your childhood and recall a time when you got into trouble. I am sure you have at least one of these memories. This doesn’t have to be a major event. It can just be a time where you were scolded for knocking over your drink.

    Now remember your parents’ reaction. Were they angry or frustrated? Did they yell or give you an annoyed look? Did they send you to your room?

    How did it make you feel? Most likely you felt like you did something really bad or that you were bad.

    This feeling, multiplied by all your other similar experiences, created a belief within you. Through this belief you probably, without your knowledge, created a reality of being bad or not good enough.

    Now fast forward to the present and watch these memories from a new perspective. Have your friends join in. What are your thoughts now? What reactions do they have?

    Through different eyes, through different perspectives, we see and experience different realities.

    Here is a personal experience of mine. I was maybe six or seven, and my family and I were sitting around the kitchen table frosting cookies. This was an annual event at our house. We had all the colors of the rainbow of sugary, spreadable, delectable frosting.

    I was using the green frosting, spreading it oh so carefully on my cookie. When I was finished with the green I set the knife back into the frosting bowl. The knife, not secure in its vessel, tipped backward, sliding gracefully out of the bowl with a loud and splattering of green onto the linoleum floor.

    I don’t remember exactly what my mother said but I do remember her being upset, and I remember feeling like I really messed up and ruined things for my mother and the rest of my family. 

    This experience, along with other similar childhood situations, created a belief that if I did something wrong I would make someone angry or ruin a situation—essentially, I would be bad.

    So what did I do? Whatever I could to not elicit a reaction, including staying silent.

    Now we are going to fast-forward to the present. I can look back at this situation with new eyes. I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t ruin the situation, and my mother wasn’t mad at me or even angry.

    The knife was too heavy and long for the shallow bowl, which caused it to tip. It was beyond my control.

    My mother’s reaction was one of frustration not because of green frosting on her easily moppable floor, but probably because she had a long day taking care of four kids and a house and was stuck in an unhappy marriage.

    Similar scenarios often happen to us as adults. I am a natural introvert. Walls are my friend.

    In a crowd of people I usually remain in the shadows, merely observing the happenings around me. In my observations I will notice groups of people maybe glancing in my direction while continuing to talk.

    My thoughts then go into super sensitive mode and create stories of being talked about. My thoughts go on an imaginative ride of insults and attacks, all on me, by those people across the way.

    Now I feel attacked. I am no longer having fun. I no longer want to be where I am.

    My thoughts created a false reality out of nothing. My thoughts had no basis in fact, yet they created a reality for me, true or not.

    Perspective can change the reality of any situation. Really, what is reality but an experience? And if everyone has a different experience from a different perspective, then doesn’t that mean there isn’t just one reality? That reality results from the arbitrary thoughts of many people?

    If we can acknowledge that each person’s thoughts and memories of a same experience are different, then can’t we admit that our thoughts of our experience are no more valid than the next person’s?

    If we have formed opinions about ourselves through the eyes of our thoughts and we have concluded that thoughts have no basis in truth, then aren’t our opinions of ourselves based solely on our thoughts, not truth?

    Is it possible to re-look at our thoughts and see them as just thoughts formed from different perspectives of memories?

    Are you willing to redefine your opinion that you’re not good enough with re-formed thoughts of being more than enough?

    Can you choose to see your thoughts as the controlling factor of your self-worth?

    If you can acknowledge that they are arbitrary thoughts, then the reality formed by said arbitrary thoughts are no more valid than a stranger’s thoughts about you.

    From here on out choose your thoughts wisely, because in some way they will be your reality.

    Insecure man image via Shutterstock

  • Making a Big Decision When You’re Not Sure Which Choice Is Right

    Making a Big Decision When You’re Not Sure Which Choice Is Right

    “When we can no longer change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” ~Viktor Frankl

    Over the last two and a half years, I have made some big changes in my life. And by big, I mean enormous.

    First, I moved with my husband and our children from a home I loved for ten years. Shortly after, my husband and I ended a twenty-year relationship and marriage. With that separation, I made the decision to buy the house we had moved to, which on paper, I shouldn’t have been able to buy.

    Apparently ending a long commitment and beginning a large financial one on my own wasn’t enough for me, though. The following year I resigned from a secure job to pursue a dream I hadn’t fully envisioned and started a business without projected goals.

    When I list out all the changes, I start to question my own sanity.

    I have never been one to make quick decisions, especially ones that I hadn’t thought through. I was raised by my father, a self-proclaimed workaholic, who spent his career as a high-powered executive for a high-risk industrial insurance company.

    I was not bred to believe in taking chances, to live on instinct alone, and to leave anything that resembled security. You just don’t do that. But something was stirring in me that kept me unsettled.

    I knew it was time to make changes, and I knew those changes were absolutely not guaranteed to work in my favor. I was scared—no, terrified—to alter the course of my life, but standing still gave me even more anxiety.

    How do you make the decision to change your entire life and know it’s truly right for you?

    I have a secret, one that I’ve used consistently in recent years when making decisions that weighed heavily on me.

    It’s a technique that simplifies the agonizing back and forths of “should I or shouldn’t I?” One I wished I learned when I was younger to ward off some major bouts of indecisiveness and internal torment. Although in retrospect, I would not have been ready to use it until I was actually ready to hear it.

    When I was agonizing over the idea of ending my marriage, I reached out to a friend who had recently undergone some of his own major life changes. I didn’t tell him what I was debating, but I told him it was big.

    He gave me the most valuable advice I had ever received. “To make the decision, take the fear out, and then you’ll know.”

    What? How on Earth do you take the fear out? I had lived in fear for the majority of my existence. How do you keep yourself safe if you don’t live in the fear? In fact, fear is safe. It kept me securely in the life I felt like I was suffocating in. I knew exactly what to expect.

    Why step outside for fresh air if there is no guarantee that that air is not poisonous? Who does that? Maybe I do. Or at least maybe I could ask.

    So I asked the question to myself out loud, and then I took the fear out. Completely out. No worries in the world, fairy tale ending out. I had to conceptualize what the fears looked like and what they actually were.

    My biggest fear was that I couldn’t manage life on my own, including running a household financially and physically. What if I tried and I failed? What would I do?

    To discard the fear, I had to “what if” the opposite. “What if I tried and succeeded? How would I feel if I managed on my own and figured out each step of the way?”

    I also worried about the lack of emotional support and wondered if I would come home from work each day crumbling and crying and not be able to parent my children effectively. I had always had a partner, someone to rely on and to pick me back up when I fell.

    I knew the feeling of being alone, and I knew how awful it felt to think that I couldn’t handle it. I felt like a failure even before I tried.

    Then I asked myself, “What if I used my resources for emotional support? What if I relied on my friends and family—and what if I relied on myself?” The reversal of the what-ifs felt powerful and motivating. And I knew it was possible they could be true.

    When we tell ourselves lies, it feels awful; when we speak the truth, it is light and freeing. Each truth I spoke felt closer to answering my own question.

    Not only did I have to identify each fearful “what if,” but I also had to remove them. This can be done by listing them on paper and crossing them out or simply calling them by name and removing them from the equation like they don’t exist.

    I saw them each, one by one, stand up to me. There were so many. And then, one by one, I asked them to leave the room. And there came my answer: it was time to let go.

    It was not an answer I particularly liked, nor was it easy. In fact, it was one of the hardest answers I’ve ever had to accept. But it was honest, and it was accurate. Our heart always knows the answer when we gain the courage to even ask.

    Since that day, I have been faced with a multitude of opportunities to use and teach this technique. It has never steered me wrong. And throughout making the changes, I had to walk through those fears with each step. They appear over and over again and need to be confronted on a regular basis.

    It is not an easy task, but it’s no more challenging than living with them. Living in fear is not far from not living at all. It is intermittently debilitating and paralyzing, yet always extraordinarily painful, even when it’s safe.

    Whenever I hit the wall of self-doubt after following through with the decisions I’ve made, I look back at who I was a few years ago and ask what she would think of me.

    The answer is consistent. I am the woman I would have envied from afar. A woman strong enough to live a life she didn’t know she wanted at first glance, but one that allowed her to be her authentic self. I chose to take the fear out and, in turn, chose to live as myself.

    Making a big decision? Go ahead, take the fear out, and then you will know exactly what it is your heart wants you to know.

  • Rediscovering Yourself and Rebuilding Your Life After Loss

    Rediscovering Yourself and Rebuilding Your Life After Loss

    Woman Silhouette

    “He who sits in the house of grief will eventually sit in the garden.” ~Hafiz

    My life has fallen apart around me.

    I ended a five-year relationship with a man I thought I wanted to marry, quit a full-time office job with no further prospects, and moved back to my tiny hometown to live with my parents.

    All of these transitions occurred within the same week.

    I was twenty when I met my boyfriend, and he was twenty-eight. We spent every waking moment together, dating for four-and-a-half years and living together for two. This time was punctuated with moments of bliss; however, I was often filled with doubt about our future.

    Small betrayals had left me co-dependent, with low self-esteem. Toward the end of our relationship, I was suffering beyond measure. I lacked fulfillment in my first salaried job, and our tiny, decrepit apartment was void of nourishment.

    I quit my job first, giving no notice and leaving a resignation letter on my boss’s desk. A week later, I moved all my things from my boyfriend’s house while he was on vacation.

    He returned to a half empty home. I was shaken to the core with grief and guilt.

    Two months later, I am still wading through an overwhelming depression. Despite an aching loneliness for my former life, my heart is overflowing with more love and gratitude than I thought possible.

    In this personal rock bottom, I finally understand the meaning of abundance.

    My friends showed up, offering me places to stay if I needed. My family showed up, supporting me in my financial crisis. Old flames showed up to rekindle and reflect deep love.

    My creative practice showed up to heal wounds inflicted through years of betrayal. Music has become sweeter, more soulful, and longing with reverberations of the human condition. Nature has become a solace.

    I find myself slowly reaching closure in all forgotten aspects of my soul. Alone and without distraction, I have been forced to unlock the closed doors of my psyche, full of dusty memories, ignored desires, and misplaced dreams.

    I am picking up the pieces of the identity that I lost in the whirlwind of relationship compromises, job obligations, and money-based motivations.

    I am finally rebuilding an identity based on trust, love, and compassion for others and myself. I am holding space for the tender parts of my soul, patient and yet full of longing.

    The hardest part of this transition has been a lack of consistent emotional intimacy and losing all financial “security.”

    Despite my rapid mood swings through grief and joy, I sense stability approaching. I feel the upswing coming, the point in my life where I transform into a more positive, full expression of myself. In the elimination of all the old experiences and situations that no longer serve me, I am reborn.

    I understand the metaphor of the caterpillar that turns into a butterfly. My molting has begun.

    Dear reader, take heart.

    If your life is falling apart around you in any capacity, please trust the process. Through the darkest nights of your soul, a light shines forth.

    Only through these heart-wrenching challenges can we grow and develop spiritually and emotionally and become more fully who we were meant to be.

    After loss, we have an opportunity to reinvent our lives and ourselves.

    All the patchwork dreams I wove while in my grief are finally coming true. I have been traveling to new places. I am falling in love again. I am rekindling my fondness for oil painting. I signed up for a ceramics class at the local community college. I am starting to think about a graduate program for art.

    These are all things I formerly felt were far from reach, but since radical change and loss, I am finding my true identity and fulfilling myself.

    If your depression and grief takes you to places of fear, confusion, and loneliness, please hold space for those feelings and allow them to wash over you like water. These turbulent emotions will pass. Tomorrow is a new day, with new opportunities.

    Be patient. Change takes time, especially positive changes. You must work the compost before growing the flowers.

    Train yourself to pay attention to the small things. I notice all these things now.

    A light rain soothes my aching heart. A call from a friend reminds me that I am not alone. A warm meal nourishes my spirit.

    Sometimes, all it takes to recover from loss is awareness of life’s small treasures. New opportunities for change and development present themselves every day.

    Grieve, and the garden will begin to grow beneath your feet.

    Woman silhouette via Shutterstock

  • How to Let Go of Expectations and Pursue What You Really Want

    How to Let Go of Expectations and Pursue What You Really Want

    “There are two ways to be happy: improve your reality, or lower your expectations.” ~Jodi Picoult

    I grew up with a lot of expectations—from other people in my life and from myself. I had to finish school, do my best, finish college, get married, have children, and be a success in everything I did.

    My family was supportive; however, they never really pushed me to get active. I had to push myself, and I pushed hard.

    I finished high school, then college with an associate’s degree, then my counseling license, and then my bachelor’s. I got married and had a daughter. But I wasn’t happy.

    I didn’t really want to get married. I wanted to be independent and live on my own, and I wasn’t sure that this person was “the one.”

    I was attempting to follow the expectations I’d set for myself.

    My oldest sister is the wisest person I know, and she knew that this wasn’t right for me. Still, I was always stubborn, so despite others telling me not to do it, I got married anyway.

    I wanted to be a success, and being a success meant living up to my own expectations.

    I was supposed to be married at twenty-three, whether I wanted that or not.

    I couldn’t get a divorce because I would have had to admit that I was a failure. My expectations were stopping me from actually living life.

    I wondered if I could really complain. He was a good husband and father. One would think this would be enough to stay in a marriage even if I didn’t want to get married to begin with.

    One day I realized that I needed to be happy, and decided to drop the belief that I’d be a failure if I got a divorce. So that’s what I did.

    I’ve learned that some relationships are like milk. They go beyond the expiration date, and eventually they turn sour.

    Sometimes my old self wants to be mad and guilt me for “giving up,” but the new me says, “You’re courageous to stand up and do something that’s scary.”

    To do that, I needed to get in touch with what I really wanted and not worry about what others thought about me.

    If you’re also living a life you don’t love because you think that’s what you should be doing:

    Be true to yourself.

    Put yourself first because you cannot care for anyone else unless you care about yourself. Don’t worry about what others expect of you; think about what you really want for yourself. Letting go of expectations (self-imposed and from others) will set you free.

    Be honest with yourself about what’s possible for you.

    You can do more than you think. I was honest with myself that I could own a house without a spouse. I had a vision of my future and I didn’t need to stay in a situation I did not want.

    Set goals you can accomplish.

    Someone with unrealistic expectations will set a nearly impossible goal and give up before they start because of doubt. Set realistic goals, based on what you really want, that you believe you can obtain.

    I knew I wanted to complete my bachelor’s degree but gave myself a year break after completing my counseling license. If I pushed myself for a goal I was not ready for, I could have given up before I even started. Based on my time and resources, I knew I would set myself up for success if I didn’t rush.

    Learn to celebrate every tiny victory.

    Be proud of your small daily accomplishments rather than getting self-worth from big accomplishments only.

    For example, I needed to give myself credit for saving up money for my own house instead of waiting until I closed on a house to commend myself. Giving yourself credit as you go will help you stay motivated to keep working hard toward your goal.

    Ask for help.

    Don’t try to do everything on your own; you’ll get burnt out. Even if I know I can do it on my own, I ask for help. It’s a healthy balance between independence and depending on others. Asking for help also can get you outside of yourself so you can check where your expectations are.

    You have to have bad days to enjoy the good.

    Not every day will be a good one, but we wouldn’t know what a good day looks like unless we experienced bad ones too. When I have an exceptionally bad day, I tell myself, “Tomorrow can only be better!” When I have an exceptionally good day, I store it in my mind to remember later.

    —

    I believe most things are possible if you put your mind to it. Being honest with yourself about what you really want will allow you to make choices that can lead to a happy, rewarding life.

  • Stop Fearing Uncertainty & Get Excited About Possibilities

    Stop Fearing Uncertainty & Get Excited About Possibilities

    Man Jumping

    “When you become comfortable with uncertainty, infinite possibilities open up in your life.” ~Osho

    Once, during an AmeriCorps leadership retreat, I was asked to create a motto for my life, a mission statement for my future. I was handed a blank piece of paper and I was terrified.

    At the time, my life was filled with uncertainty. My year of national community service was coming to an end. I didn’t know what my next job would be, let alone what my life’s mission statement should be.

    As I sat, panic stricken, staring into my uncertain future and an empty page, I began to think of all the futures I could have.

    It began negatively, but slowly my dreamer mentality kicked in. I imagined hundreds of possible futures for myself, as an artist, a writer, a teacher, a missionary, a mother, and a million other things.

    That was the point when I realized that my uncertainty was my greatest asset. I had infinite paths available to me, not just one. So I wrote the following on that scary blank piece of paper: I vow to live a life of infinite possibility.

    That sounds like a fairly lofty goal, but what it means for my everyday life is that I refuse to allow fear, failure, or insecurities to limit my future.

    That doesn’t mean I don’t feel all of those things all the time. It just means that when I look at a possible future for myself, I don’t automatically turn one down because I am afraid I won’t succeed.

    It’s a hard thing to embrace uncertainty. Sometimes all we can see is the cloud of doubt and question marks. But when the future isn’t set, when we aren’t destined to become just one thing, we can become anything.

    In my life this means that when I face starting over, whether that is looking for a new job, a new apartment, or a new town, I try to ignore the limits that fear and stress want to put on my life.

    In the years since I stared down that blank piece of paper, I have learned a few tricks to see the possible on the other side of a blank page.

    I try to use my imagination and visualization as much as possible.

    Our creative thinking is often the only thing that can help us see through that pesky cloud of question marks. Whether it is creating a story about my awesome future as a best-selling author, or just imagining what I might look like with a new haircut, imagination and visualization help us see beyond what is to what could be.

    I also find it helpful not to rule any future out initially.

    I don’t think I will ever go to medical school and become a doctor, but I don’t want to limit myself too soon. If I tell myself that certain futures are off limits, I don’t ease uncertainty, I simply limit my possibilities.

    I still have trouble at times spinning the uncertainty of life into possibility. No matter how many stories I tell children about my amazing life as a superhero, I haven’t actually managed to become one…yet. I still feel the panic rise when uncertainty starts to loom.

    Recently, as I tried to imagine my life beyond my current graduate program, I hit a wall of questions. More accurately, when presented with a cloud of questions, I created a wall of doubt. I questioned my skill set and I doubted the existence of any future prospects.

    I stopped seeing the possibilities and only saw catastrophe. I would never find a “real” career; I would never be successful. I felt myself descending into a spiral of negativity. I could only imagine one terrible possible outcome—complete failure.

    In the end, none of my hard-learned lessons about possibility could help me. The weight of the uncertain future was too much; it pulled me down. It took the words of a dear friend to pull me out of the limited and terrible future I created for myself.

    As I was lamenting my terrible uncertainty, and the horrible future that would befall me since I still didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up, my wise friend said, “I am so jealous, you can go anywhere.” Just like that it clicked. My friend was jealous of the uncertain future that lay ahead of me.

    Suddenly, I remembered the mission statement I wrote on that paper so long ago. I vow to live a life of infinite possibility. Not an easy life, not a certain life, but a life of possibility.

    Many of my possibilities come from being mobile, but most lives of infinite possibility are lived much closer to home.

    My friend, who has a mortgage and a baby, finds her possibilities in online courses that give her new skills and inspirations. We all have a whole host of possibilities available to us, if we can think creatively and positively.

    Still, these infinite possibilities can become their own source of worry and struggle. Ultimately, I had to pick a path for my life post-graduate school. No matter how many choices we are offered, we all have to pick one direction and just start going.

    As I attempted to whittle down the choices that had made my friend so jealous, I found it was helpful to look at areas of past success.

    I often seek the counsel of those nearest and dearest to me, but when I tried to talk to others about all of these overwhelming choices, everyone became overwhelmed. So instead of discussing the multitude of options, we discussed me. I shared my passions; they shared what they saw as my strengths. A pattern began to emerge.

    I began to see places where my strengths, my passions, and my possibilities overlapped. Then I was able to narrow down my list enough to make a decision.

    I decided to apply to yet another graduate school, but this time one that would allow me to live near my family instead of thousands of miles away. I had taken the unknown, turned it into infinite possibilities, and then chosen the possibility that fit me best.

    Maybe for you, possibility lies in the set of paints that you forgot you loved.

    Maybe finding possibilities means letting go of the pressure to find the right possibility, and enjoying whichever one comes your way for now.

    Maybe you embrace possibility by writing your own life motto and seeing where it takes you.

    Happy man jumping image via Shutterstock

  • Why Positive Thinking Didn’t Work for Me

    Why Positive Thinking Didn’t Work for Me

    Yoga

    “See the positive side, the potential, and make an effort.” ~Dalai Lama

    I was a perfectionist growing up, always trying to bang my flawed round-shaped self into a perfect square hole that couldn’t possibly contain me.

    In my early twenties, I decided to focus on personal development—a positive thing, I assumed.

    I figured if I worked on improving a little every day and nurturing a positive mindset, I’d feel a lot better about myself than I did when I got down on myself for my flaws. 

    I didn’t take into consideration that I might become a perfectionist about positivity.

    That I might catch negative thinking and feel guilty about it instead of letting it go and moving into a more positive space.

    That I might muster every piece of my will to avoid negative feelings and end up over-thinking them instead of simply feeling them and letting them pass.

    For most of my life, I’ve fought reality. I didn’t like the way people responded to me, so I tried to manipulate their perception. I didn’t like the world around me, so I tried to control it. I didn’t like the world within me, so I tried to escape it. (more…)

  • Accepting the Loss of a Loved One and Finding Peace Again

    Accepting the Loss of a Loved One and Finding Peace Again

    “Life is a process of becoming. A combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.” ~Anais Nin

    Meaningful relationships are crucial to our happiness. We need the human bond to feel connected and joyful, and we enjoy life much more when we share it with people we love.

    There are times, however, when we are forcefully separated from our loved ones. Coping with loss can be one of the most difficult things we ever have to do. Everyone copes with grief differently, and some of us never do.

    When we lose someone we love, it distorts our universe and our peace, and nothing seems right. There is a future that will never exist and a past that we want to go back to, and we feel like we can’t be further from the present moment and reality.

    For a long time, whenever I thought of a friend that I lost last August, I saw all of the vanished possibilities, all of the things he wouldn’t experience and I couldn’t share with him.

    I lost my wedding’s best man, my childhood partner in crime, at a very young age from a medical condition that nobody knew about. It happened in such a snap that nobody could believe it.

    I used to walk the beach and burst into tears because he could never come and walk it with me again.

    I kept thinking about all of the future events that would never happen, and I couldn’t find peace and acceptance.

    I asked questions like “why?” and “how?” and didn’t receive any answers.

    One day while I was sitting in my garden, playing with my dogs, and wishing that my friend could be there to enjoy the day with me, the answer that I was waiting for came to me:

    He was not gone; he had just changed.

    He was there—in the garden, in the air, in the wind, in the sunshine, in the leaves of the trees, in my heart.

    I finally realized that what I was trying to cope with was not a loss but a change.

    We tend to resist change as strongly as we can, trying to stay in our current state of comfort and security because change is hard.

    But life is a constant change—sometimes severe, like the loss of someone we love; sometimes wanted, like a new home; and sometimes surprising, like moving to another country and discovering that you love it.

    Our loved ones change, life changes, and we have to change too.

    Nothing is actually lost in the universe. Everything is energy and energy is never lost. My friend might not be a part of the material world anymore, he might not be a person in the sense of a human being, but he is a part of the world somehow. I don’t know how, but I know he is.

    I believe that the people we think we lose transform into something else and move on to the next stage of life. They are still here, but not in the same way as before.

    They are in everything we have learned from them, in their creations, in their children, in our hearts and memories. I know my friend is still here when I hear his voice telling me how to do something or where to look for something I can’t find.

    Knowing that my friend is not gone but rather changed into something I don’t understand makes it easier to accept reality. It gives me peace of mind.

    I can finally accept that he has moved on, and I need to do the same.

    When we lose someone we love, everything changes.

    This is not a change that we have anticipated or wanted. We may wonder if we will ever be the same, if we will go back to our old self. We can’t and we won’t. After such a traumatic change we have only one way to cope: change ourselves too.

    Nothing can bring them back. Nothing can “undo” anything that happens in life. We have to move forward. Without accepting the change, we make it much harder to do so. We can’t find peace because we feel that something is broken or wrong, but it isn’t; it is just different.

    If you lost someone, know that they are not gone; they, too, are different.

    For a long time, I resisted the fact that I would need to change my plans and my visions.

    But eventually, I had to do it. Now, instead of dreaming about how my future kids will one day meet their parents’ best man and learn so much from him, I dream about telling them stories about a friend that changed my life.

  • Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships and Rediscovering Yourself

    Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships and Rediscovering Yourself

    “I am leaving you for me. Whether I am incomplete or you are incomplete is irrelevant. Relationships can only be built with two wholes. I am leaving you to continue to explore myself: the steep, winding paths in my soul, the red, pulsing chambers of my heart. I hope you will do the same. Thank you for all the light and laughter that we have shared. I wish you a profound encounter with yourself.” ~ Peter Schaller

    A few months back I was someone you could easily walk all over. I was afraid to let go of friendships because I feared having no one in my life.

    A friend would call me a sissy if I didn’t want to go out drinking with her, so I’d tag along and then feel miserable and angry with myself for the next few days.

    My wake-up call came when I learned that a friend had driven drunk and died in an accident. Even though I barely drank, I knew it was time to make a change.

    I had to let go of old friends who I only hung around to avoid loneliness, as well as one-way relationships. When you cleanse your life, both physically and emotionally, you create space for something better.

    I was tired of holding on to that man for whom I meant nothing; I wanted a relationship that would make me feel alive.

    I was tired of holding on to unhealthy friendships; I wanted friendships that would make me feel supported.

    I realized I had to stop sacrificing myself and my happiness for others. It isn’t healthy. Doing something out of love, to be helpful, is different from doing it out of fear or need, because you want validation.

    I also knew this would help me attract healthier relationships. When you start doing things for yourself, people pick up on that energy and can see and appreciate you for who you are.

    We can face a lot of resistance when we try to let go of people. A call, thought, or memory is enough to reel us back in.

    The ego loves instant gratification. The soul knows something better awaits us. We’ve got to do the work to move past resistance, and the only way is to move through it.

    If you, like me, have considered letting someone go, ask yourself these questions:

    How do you feel in their presence: drained or alive? Does the person always have your best interests in mind? Do they belittle you when you share your feelings? Do they make promises and never follow up?

    If you answered yes to the final two questions, it might be time to move on to make space in your life for healthy, happy relationships.

    If you’re afraid of letting someone go, realize you are doing them a favor. You’re not only creating space in your own life, you’re also creating space in theirs so they can find someone who is a better energetic match for them.

    It’s never easy to let go of the past, but when the pain of holding on is far greater than the pain of letting go, it’s time to take the leap.

    I’ve started incorporating a few practices into my daily life that help me let go; I hope they help you too.

     1. Express your feelings in a letter.

    Focus on one relationship that’s draining you and write a letter to the person you want to let go. Pour out your feelings onto the paper. The letter can be as long or short as you want.

    End the letter with, “I release you across all space and time. Thank you for helping me learn and grow.” Fold the paper, burn it, and bury it in the ground to signify a complete release to the universe. This particular ritual is magical. I instantly start to feel lighter.

     2. Clear your physical space.

    Physical cleaning is so helpful when you are letting go of the past. Our physical space is a representation of what we’re giving space in our life.

    Sell or donate any gifts you received, and burn any letters from the person you’re tying to let go. You’re going to face a lot of resistance; you’ll come up with reasons to hold on to these things. Remind yourself that this crucial to moving on and feeling happier with yourself and your life.

    3. Get clear on what you need.

    Write down how you want to feel in your life and within your relationships.

    This is how I want my life and relationships to feel:

    • Alive
    • Filled with laughter
    • Supportive
    • Loving
    • Understanding

    If you’re not sure how you want to feel on the whole, start with just the immediate future. How do you want to feel this month?

    4. Start filling the empty space.

    Now that you’ve created space by releasing unhealthy relationships, write a list of activities that will help you feel and experience your desires. For example, you could join a dance group to feel alive.

    Put a little time into your passion every day. Writing makes me come alive, so I make sure to write daily.

    As you start dedicating time to things that are important to you, the right people will come into your life—people who see and appreciate you for who you really are.

    —

    When you try to let go of someone, don’t be surprised if they reach out more than they usually would. They can energetically sense that you’re letting go of them.

    When this happened to me, I decided  to have a one-on-one talk and be frank about why I’d decided to move on. Do what is best for you.

    The entire process may seem overwhelming; take it one step at a time, and be aware of the emotions that will come up. If you remember that this is a normal part of letting go, and remind yourself of why you decided to move on, it will be easier to stick to your decision, in spite of your feelings.

    I pray you have the courage to let go of your past.

    I pray you make room for your best life to unfold.

    I pray you live a life beyond your wildest imagination.

  • Why We Get Attached to Our Struggles and Who We Could Be Without Them

    Why We Get Attached to Our Struggles and Who We Could Be Without Them

    “Stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight.” ~Gordon B. Hinckley

    I have been interested in personal development for as long as I can remember.

    I devour books about increasing confidence, happiness, self-worth, and intuition. I‘m inspired by articles about self-care, living intentionally, and aligning with your purpose in life. I have read many fabulous books over the last decade, all with their own nuggets of wisdom and insight.

    Recently, I was reading the book, Supercoach, 10 Secrets to Transform Anyone’s Life by Michael Neill. In his book, Michael describes how many of his clients go through a phase where they feel unsettled as they begin to make positive changes in their lives.

    Michael talks about how his clients literally begin “worrying about not being worried.” They feel that something is missing from their lives when they no longer have the struggles and challenges they once faced.

    The idea that on some level, we are attached to our struggles and fear losing them (or who we might become when we lose them) struck me. Why would we want to hold on to what causes us pain?

    I started to think about my own life. Who would I be without my struggles, challenges, and problems?

    Who would I be if I didn’t have to worry about money or how to pay my mortgage?

    Who would I be if I didn’t have to agonize over decisions about my children, but instead completely trusted my inner wisdom?

    Who would I be if I had full confidence in myself and cared for my personal needs without guilt?

    And maybe more importantly, who would be able to relate to me if I didn’t struggle? What kind of conversations would I have with friends and family if I had nothing to complain about? Would we have anything left to talk about at all?

    The truth is, as I examined these questions, I realized that the answers were mostly tied to my ego: I wanted to have a purpose (which solving problems permitted) and I wanted to be liked (by people who could relate to my problems).

    The more I thought about the answers to these questions, the more I realized that this was not the kind of person that I wanted to be.

    I didn’t want my purpose to be about putting out fires or worrying about the future, and I definitely didn’t want people to feel connected to me only because we shared the same struggles.

    I want to be someone who lives with intention and makes a difference in the lives of the people around me. I want to be someone who enjoys life and who inspires others by living this way. Most importantly, I want to be an example for my children.

    For me, this was an eye opening insight. Ever since, when I notice myself getting worried or stressed out, or when I find myself complaining, I stop and ask myself how I might be attached to my current situation and why. I question whether I can make a different choice or react in a different way.

    I may not be able to change the situation in that moment, but I can change my thoughts about it and my approach going forward.

    Life isn’t always going to be a piece of cake. We’re here to learn, grow, and experience the full spectrum of life. We’ll have good experiences and not-so-good experiences. For some reason, it seems easier to get caught up in the not-so-good ones.

    We can dwell on the challenges because it seems to give us that automatic bond to others who are experiencing the same crisis. We instantly connect with the other sleep-deprived moms, or the co-workers complaining about the boss in the lunch room. As humans, we crave that connection.

    But what if we connected over the joys in life, not just the pains? What if we connected by lifting each other up and supporting each other instead of tearing each other down? What if we talked more about the beauty in life than about the ugliness?

    There will always be times in life where we need support. I can’t promise to never complain again, or stress out, or need to vent to a girlfriend. But I’m working on it. Will you join me?

  • 40 Ways to Give Yourself a Break

    40 Ways to Give Yourself a Break

    “Health is the greatest possession. Contentment is the greatest treasure. Confidence is the greatest friend.” ~Lao Tzu

    It’s common among overachiever types: We like to push ourselves.

    Sometimes it’s to get from A to B. Sometimes it’s to create the illusion of change when really, you’re just spinning your wheels. Sometimes it’s simply to avoid standing still and accepting the moment as it is.

    All that pushing can feel so smart and productive—until you’re exhausted, overextended, overwhelmed, or otherwise ready to snap. I’ve felt all these things before.

    There are days when I try to be everything to everyone and do more than I can reasonably accomplish, but I know there’s only so much my body, mind, and spirit can take.

    Since it never seems to work to shout, “Stop the world, I want to get off,” I’ve come up with a few simple ways to give myself a break when I need it.

    If you feel physically, mentally, emotionally, or even digitally exhausted, these tips may help: (more…)

  • Forgiving and Refusing to Let Bad Things Change Us

    Forgiving and Refusing to Let Bad Things Change Us

    Woman watching sunset

    “Humbleness, forgiveness, clarity and love are the dynamics of freedom. They are the foundations of authentic power.” ~Gary Zukav

    It was a little after 9:00 PM when my mother’s next-door neighbor called upset, hysterical even. Within seconds of hearing her voice, I knew something wasn’t right.

    I was getting one of those calls that everyone dreads. Deep breath. She said that my mother had been brutally attacked and had been taken to the hospital.

    Breathe Leslie.

    “What happened?” I asked in my calmest voice, trying hard to listen and not react. “Where is she? What hospital?”

    A family friend had taken advantage of my mother’s kindness. My mother had prepared a special birthday dinner for him, but that wasn’t enough. He wanted more, he wanted money, so he hit her repeatedly over the head with a wooden statue, hoping that she would give in.

    For years, he helped Mom with odd jobs around the house, and now he was her assailant. The amount of blood loss, the tears, the hurt and betrayal—it was the beginning of the longest year of my life.

    Prior to this incident, I was obsessed about living “the dream,” but the truth is I wasn’t happy. I was a control freak who suddenly felt out of control. My desire to marry and have the perfect family no longer seemed important.

    After waiting for hours in the hospital, I entered my mother’s room and broke down at the sight of her ballooned face and shaved head. She was unrecognizable.

    How could he have done this to the sweetest woman on earth? She’s alive, so why am I still angry?

    Many of my friends and family members thought I’d be more equipped to handle an incident of this magnitude, since I’m a licensed social worker who works with non-profit organizations and families. But it was beyond challenging, and there was still so much work and healing to be done.

    Some days later, my mother told us the entire story. She said that when the wooden statue broke, her former handyman grabbed a large crystal vase to continue the beating.

    My mother was fighting back and yelling at him to stop. Then all of the sudden he turned around, gently set the vase on the dining room table, and walked out the front door.

    He had spared her life, and yet I still felt surges of anger flood my body several times throughout the day.

    My mother didn’t start to resemble herself until her second week in physical therapy. Her hair was growing back and she could smile again. I felt relieved because it meant that she had survived.

    As soon as she was able to formulate thoughts and words, she expressed her well wishes toward her attacker. By the time her physical therapy sessions had ended, she had completely forgiven him.

    We knew he had a history of substance abuse, and his defense attorney tried to plead mental illness. He may have been under the influence of drugs when he attacked her, though we can’t be sure.

    Regardless of what compelled him to commit such a horrible act, my mother recognized a hidden blessing in this tragedy: she’d wanted to move closer to her family for some time, and she’d been putting it off until this incident.

    This was the catalyst for something that’s made her genuinely happy, and that helped her let go and forgive.

    A Testament of Love and Forgiveness

    In the book, The Giant Within Us, it reads, “Forgiveness is the miracle of a new beginning. It is to start where we are, not where we wish we were.” I kept hoping to be where my mother was in her process of forgiving, but I wasn’t. This frustrated me.

    When it came to me letting go of the hurt and anger, my approach was vastly different than my mother’s.

    Three practices that worked for me were:

    • Practicing yoga and meditating
    • Expressing gratitude coupled with positive thinking
    • Energy healing

    In the morning, I practiced yoga and meditation, which introduced calm to my day and helped me realize there was so much for which to be grateful.

    When the hurt and anger resurfaced, I brought my attention to my mother’s smile and the sound of her sweet voice until my thoughts faded into nothingness again.

    On the days when I felt extremely low, doing my best in the moment and being positive were equally important. I spent some afternoons walking on my treadmill while watching sci-fi movies. It’s all I had energy for at the time and I told myself that it was okay.

    Months after the attack, a friend suggested that I reach out to an energy healer or practitioner because I was having trouble sleeping. The sessions were relaxing, which greatly decreased my overall stress level.

    The result was that I felt more balanced and clear-headed, and over time the pain and anger disappeared.

    My mother joined a Senior Citizen Center to spend more time outdoors and enjoy life with her peers. She also found peace through engaging in therapy sessions to address her post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

    It’s interesting how my journey of forgiveness involved going inward, whereas my mother focused on external activities. However, we both learned that forgiveness means taking back the power we may have given to someone else for their wrongdoings.

    It’s a personal choice that requires a great deal of commitment, compassion, and patience.

    My mother’s response to the world before and after her attack is to do her part by expressing love, gratitude, and compassion. Her attitude contributed to her steady recovery.

    Mom refused to let the incident change her, and that’s why she’s not only surviving but thriving. Whenever something bad happens, we have a choice: we can get bitter or we can get better. My mom chose the latter. Which will you choose?

    Woman watching sunset image via Shutterstock

  • Let Go of Past Mistakes: 6 Steps To Forgiving Yourself

    Let Go of Past Mistakes: 6 Steps To Forgiving Yourself

    “At any given moment, you have the power to say: This is not how the story is going to end.” ~ Christine Mason Miller 

    Sometimes you do or say things you regret. If you’ve experienced this recently, you might be struggling to forgive yourself, especially if your actions hurt someone you love.

    A few months ago, I had a falling out with a friend. It happened like most misunderstandings do: swiftly and unexpectedly. I barely had time to comprehend what was happening.

    My friend was trying to convince me to join him in a business venture, which I politely tried to decline. After a while of us going back and forth, my patience was wearing thin, and he began to appear less like a friend and more like a pushy salesman.

    He then made a comment that I interpreted as a personal insult. I immediately became angry and lashed out. I thought I was justified in my reaction, but upon reflection, I realized that I had misunderstood his words and rushed to judgment.

    Even after a follow-up conversation, with my apologies and all, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had made a terrible mistake. I feared that our relationship would never be the same.

    That episode in my life led me to think about the ways we get hung up on our personal failures. They can threaten to keep us stuck in the past and define who we are going forward.

    My personal reflection and experience yielded the following seven steps to forgiving yourself:

    1. Name what you have done.

    Before you can forgive yourself, you must gain some clarity about what happened. Begin by writing down the details of the events and your own actions that contributed to the situation.

    Resist the need to blame any other people or external circumstances, and focus only on yourself. You may experience intense vulnerability when you do this exercise. Engage this vulnerability by compassionately owning it rather than suppressing it.

    In my own situation, I justified my actions by focusing on my friend’s uncharacteristically aggressive behavior. Once I was willing to focus on my own behavior, I could see more clearly that I had judged his words too quickly.

    2. Ask for forgiveness.

    Asking for forgiveness is not easy. Your willingness to approach a person you have hurt means you’re admitting you have done wrong and are sorry for it.

    Avoid minimizing your responsibility by using phrases like, “I’m sorry if…” or, “I’m sorry but…” I knew that I needed to apologize to my friend and take full responsibility for my actions. I simply named the wrong I had done to him and asked for forgiveness.

    3. Forgive yourself every time negative thoughts intrude.

    Sometimes we struggle to forgive ourselves, even when we have been forgiven.

    After my friend and I had resolved our situation, I continued to experience guilt and negative thoughts about my actions.

    I eventually learned that self-forgiveness is not a one-time deal—it’s a gradual process. Every time self-loathing thoughts surfaced, I would take a deep breath and exhale all the negativity I was feeling. You can do some similar act of kindness toward yourself when negative thoughts emerge.

    4. Show up and let yourself be seen.

    This idea comes from Dr. Brené Brown, whose research on vulnerability and shame has helped many people gain the courage to show up for their lives rather than sit on the sidelines—or worse, hide in shame.

    When facing painful personal mistakes, the temptation to shut down and disengage is strong.

    I found myself avoiding interactions with my friend because I was afraid he would judge me or remind me of what happened in the past. Once I had the courage to show up, I quickly discovered that my fears were unfounded.

    If you struggle with showing up, know that you have gained much wisdom that can help your future relationships thrive if you have the strength to show up and try again.

    5. Be grateful for your mistakes.

    It might seem strange to express gratitude for our mistakes, especially the embarrassing and painful ones. But think back to a time when you exercised poor judgment or did something you regretted. How has the experience changed you? Did it make you wiser, stronger, or more discerning?

    I learned the dangers of having a quick temper and rushing to judgment. Now when I am upset, I try to give myself some time and space to reflect rather than react. I am thankful for the opportunity to grow in these ways.

    And if you can learn to see your mistakes in such a light—as opportunities to grow—you can be grateful for them too.

     6. Radically love all of who you are.

    Joseph Campbell once said, “The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.” So be who you are, not who you used to be. Celebrate who you have become in spite of, or even because of, your past mistakes.

    My own mistakes and flaws have helped me become a better person to my friend, and that will ultimately strengthen my friendships going forward.

    So love all of who you are, including your past mistakes, and you’ll only grow stronger from them.

    You Are Worthy of Forgiveness

    These steps are not always easy to follow—especially during times when we have truly messed up. But we can recover from our mistakes, learn from them, forgive ourselves, and move on with our lives.

    You are worthy of your own love and forgiveness. Believe it with every fiber of your being.

    Commit to practicing these steps daily, even on those days when you’d rather not.

    Resolve to forgive yourself. Resolve to free yourself of the past. Resolve to live in the present. And look toward the future with hope and optimism.

  • Breaking Free from Your Family’s Expectations

    Breaking Free from Your Family’s Expectations

    Break Free

    “Stop worrying about pleasing others so much. Do more of what makes you happy.” ~Unknown

    There comes a time in everyone’s life when you break away from your family. Right? We are all familiar with this. It happens when you turn eighteen, go off to college, and move out the house—and out of the state or country for some.

    This is the expectation of society on the whole. Then what keeps us so bound to our families that we sometimes feel paralyzed, afraid of making the “wrong” decisions for our career, relationships, or simply how we choose to live?

    Despite each of us eventually breaking through the normal cycle of leaving home and starting our own life, many of us still feel obligated to our family, more specifically our parents.

    We feel like we have to choose a specific career path or be with a specific type of person for marriage and beyond. It’s like this unspoken obligation to please our parents, except we know that it can’t last forever and there’s got to be another way.

    There is another way. And I know because I’ve been living through it over the past several years.

    I was a rebellious child, mostly because my father was so strict and I wasn’t allowed to do anything—well, not much. (I’ll give him some credit, while other credit goes to my mother for allowing friends to come over on occasion.)

    But rebellion doesn’t serve healthy relationships and is bound to transform into healthy independence and respect at some point. For some, it’s much later in life than others; I’ve spoken with several people in their late fifties who still feel obligated to their parents yet wildly rebellious and, thereby, resentful.

    For me, it started with realizing that I value family. There’s no getting around that. I love my family. Period.

    I also love myself, which means that there’s no way I’m going to give up my heart’s desires and dreams to acquiesce to what they think is best for my life, like I had to all throughout my childhood.

    Yes, I’m a passionate woman who has a strong desire to break free of the practical way of living. And that’s exactly what I’ve done.

    At the same time, I demanded and knew in my heart that true love, especially love between family members, ought to stand up to tests like this.

    No doubt, it came with its price. There were several moments when I had to share my desires while lovingly holding space for my family to simply be. I came to them on several occasions over the last years (or they came to me and I opened up) with conscious decisions I made for my life.

    Now, let me reiterate this: conscious decisions. If they weren’t conscious, there was no way I could have done this. So, I shared with them my conscious decision while I stood in the fire of their adverse opinions and reactions.

    Standing in the fire means I held on to my desire and my love for family while I faced down their criticism. This was challenging. And it burned.

    I could feel it all throughout my body. But because I had consciously decided with a strong intention of love and a knowing that it came from my heart, I was able to hold on to my center—no matter what.

    I was able to stand there and let their criticism and opinions wash over me while remaining in a loving space. This would not be possible without that conscious choice.

    Since then, even though it’s been a process and there are still many fires to stand in, it has been increasingly easier to simply be me and share my “unpractical path” with them. Their expectations are beginning to subside, as they realize that my life may be a bit unorthodox.

    I love them anyway. Yes, you heard that right: I love them no matter how unorthodox my life is; therefore, I can influence them to drop their defenses and decide whether they’ll love or hate me because of the life I choose.

    By standing up for myself in this way, I let go of any power they had over me and hand it back to them, giving them the option to continue loving me or not. Because I know that no matter what they choose, I’ll always love them.

    Standing up for yourself isn’t an easy process. It’s especially hard when you’re trying to build a life for yourself that you actually love, because that’s the time when you most need support.

    Holding on to the earnest vision that only good can come from standing in your heart’s desires, you’ll realize what true love really is, and it will completely reframe how you approach life and relationships.

    Family often has no clue of the ties and chains they’ve placed on you; therefore, it’s important to come from a loving place when standing your ground and claiming your life.

    They don’t know what they’re doing. Would you punish them for that? I wouldn’t. I didn’t. I chose to love them anyways, no matter what, the same way I desire to be love, no matter what.

    Break free image via Shutterstock

  • Family Isn’t Always Forever: When It’s Time to Say Goodbye

    Family Isn’t Always Forever: When It’s Time to Say Goodbye

    “Friends are the family we choose for ourselves.” ~Edna Buchanan

    A few years ago I ended all contact with my parents, and I have not seen or spoken to them since then.

    The truth is I am actually okay with that. Initially, I thought I was going to lose my mind. I had been brought up to believe that family comes first. Children should respect and take care of their parents. Family should—and will—always be there for each other.

    Those beliefs were based on love, and I cherished them.

    I wanted so much to feel that connection—that unconditional love those beliefs promised. It was never there.

    Our lives were filled with so much fear, pain, hurt, betrayal, and lies. Manipulation and deceit were at the core of our home.

    I told myself that all families have degrees of dysfunction, and our family was no different. I could not allow myself to believe that our family was different. I believed that one day my parents would realize what they were doing and change. I desperately wanted their love and approval.

    On the night when my husband and I ended up inside a police station explaining why I thought my father was about to come to my home and hurt me, while my two grown sons waited in the car, I realized I had to wake up.

    My fantasy was over. I could no longer go on pretending our family was just like everyone else. That night I said my last goodbye to my mother as she lied to protect my father. The next day I spoke the last words to my father as he screamed into the phone repeating the lies from my childhood. It was over.

    Giving up the hope that things would get better was the hardest part. I was terrified that I was doing the wrong thing. I thought I was being a bad daughter. I was going against every cherished belief about family.

    It broke my heart to know that my life had been based on an illusion. The picture I had created of my parents was shattered. They had never been there for me, and they never would be.

    I had lied to myself to protect my fantasy and keep them in my life. Now I could no longer do it.

    Over time I began to understand why I had fought so hard to live out the lie, and I began to forgive myself for not being brave enough to stand up earlier.

    One of the problems was my belief that family were always there for each other. That was the cause of my pain and my guilt. The fact that I no longer had them in my life meant that I was going against a code I held close to my heart.

    I had to modify that belief. I had to change my definition of family. It was no longer those to whom I was linked by blood. My family now became the friends who had been there the whole time. People who I knew I could count on when things went wrong. That was never my parents.

    I also realized that I was afraid I was not lovable. In my mind if my own parents could not love me, there had to be something wrong with me.

    I did everything I could to minimize disagreements between us, keeping quiet just to keep the peace. I knew that if I spoke up we would argue, they would get mad at me, and they would not love me. I failed to realize that this was something I only experienced with them.

    It was hard work just to be around them. I was always on edge, cautious, and scared. That was not a loving relationship. I came to accept that if they could not love me, it didn’t change anything about me. I had created other loving relationships around me, and they were the scaffolding holding me up.

    My first Christmas after was hard. I had always gone to my parents’ house to live the fairy tale of being surrounded by love.

    It was always hard to ready myself for those days. We would act out the roles of happy family, hoping in some way that was our truth. It wasn’t. I had no idea how tense I was at these interactions until I no longer had to do it.

    Part of the hurt was that I now had no tradition, so I decided to start a new one. Christmas is no longer a day of obligation. I now spend it with the people who are my true family.

    I’ve come to realize that the love I had for my parents was based on a childhood need for safety and security. I had to see them as the parents who loved me, despite the things they did. I could not accept that the people responsible for my well-being were also responsible for my suffering.

    So much of the world I had created around my parents was simply not real. I have had to accept that truth and move on with my life.

    One of my fears was that by breaking contact with my parents, I was setting an example that my sons could repeat with me. I’d like to think this won’t happen because of my parents.

    The pain of my childhood taught me how important it is for a child to truly feel loved, safe, and cherished. I’ve tried to live that truth with my boys. I don’t know what the future holds for us. I can only hope that the love I’ve shown them will have created a space in their hearts where I will always be thought of with love.

    I try to imagine how I’ll feel when I find out that my parents have died. I honestly don’t know. I’m sure that part of me will be sad that we did not have a better ending. However, I know in my heart of hearts that I tried for over forty years to make it work. In the end, it just wasn’t enough.

    My parents were never who I thought them to be. I have had to let it all go. The fantasy of the perfect ending with them is over. I am setting out on a new horizon where I have redefined my world.

    As abused children, we may feel that it is somehow our responsibility to fix the broken parts of our family. It’s not. Sometimes there is no fairy tale ending where our parents realize how truly wonderful we are.

    The hard part is recognizing that and moving on. Sometimes it’s the only way to find real peace. It’s heartbreaking. It’s not easy. Finding and surrounding yourself with people who truly care for you is your gift to yourself. You deserve that. You will be okay.

    I no longer believe that I have lost my family. I have only now finally recognized who they truly are.

  • The Art of Allowing: Let Go of Control and Go with the Flow

    The Art of Allowing: Let Go of Control and Go with the Flow

    Woman with Outstretched Arms

    “Accepting, allowing, and interacting with your life as though it is exactly as it should be, without making yourself wrong (or right) for what you discover is the way to Self-Realization.” ~Ariel Kane

    When you’re confused about what to do next, fully surrendering to the possibilities will help you see a clear path ahead.

    It all started the day I had lunch with my university friend Sarah.

    Sarah had been traveling since graduation and was full of exotic tales about life in other countries—different languages, foods, and cultures.

    What she was experiencing sounded amazing. She told me she had no plans to settle down and was, in fact, preparing to pack her bags again soon and travel to the UK.

    Several of our mutual friends were already there, and Sarah extended the invitation to me to travel with her. The idea sounded fantastic and I wanted to jump at the opportunity. I’d always been interested in travel, and this seemed like the perfect chance to have the adventure of a lifetime.

    The trouble was that I had recently embarked on my career. I was working for a reputable company on a specific project. This was work I had dreamed of pursuing while obtaining my degree, and it wasn’t an ideal time to pack up and leave.

    To compound this, I also had a strong sense of wanting to do the decent thing by my boss and my colleagues, which meant seeing the project through to completion.

    On the flipside, I was worried that if I didn’t go traveling with Sarah, I would miss my chance entirely. For weeks I was conflicted—paralyzed by confusion and completely frustrated with myself because I was totally incapable of making a decision.

    I was caught in one of those classic scenarios where you have your heart whispering in your left ear and your brain nagging in your right ear, both with opposing views.

    While leaving with Sarah sounded very tempting, I could not summon the courage to quit my job. My inner-conflict was all encompassing.

    In the end, tired of waiting for me to make up my mind, Sarah left without me.

    Over the following weeks, at every opportunity I dawdled around bookshops flipping through travel guides. I finished the work project and, as the assignment came to an end, I discovered that I had enjoyed it immensely even though at times I had been very distracted.

    I also discovered that I had a real talent for the work I was doing. As a result of my dedication and commitment, the firm rewarded me with another opportunity—a promotion and a pay rise.

    Ultimately, the extra money in my pay packet meant that I could afford to go and visit my friends, and this is eventually what I did. Down the track, I ended up enjoying the best of both opportunities, although at the time I did not know that it was going to work out that way.

    What I know now, looking back, is that by actively not making a decision about traveling versus my career, I was practicing the art of allowing.

    I sat with the confusion I felt. Even though it felt like I was really stuck, I was in fact, surrendering to the natural ebb and flow of my life and letting the next thing come to me.

    These days I try to practice the art of allowing more consciously, especially at times when I feel deeply conflicted and my head and heart are giving me different messages.

    When you’re in a state of confusion, resistance can easily set in. This causes anger, fear, panic, tension, and stress. Then, as a consequence of these emotions, we can also feel tempted to force a decision. But it is at exactly these times—when we are most uneasy—that we need to practice the art of allowing.

    Sometimes it takes real effort to do nothing and simply be in the experience. Especially because most of us want control, and we feel the need to be in charge of every aspect of our lives, especially at junctures when we perceive that our present circumstances are under the threat of change.

    But by practicing the art of allowing, we accept that change is constant. We also accept that control is an illusion. And when we slow down, relax, and simply observe what is happening in our lives, we can also sense how these things make us feel.

    We also need to have faith that our instincts (our inner-built compass) will tell us when the time is right to reach out for an opportunity. 

    When we do this, we’re truly living in the present. And we open up the scope for lasting and transformational change, secure in the knowledge that our journey is as individual as we are and that whatever comes next is meant to be.

    Woman with outstretched arms image via Shutterstock

  • 10 Ways To Declutter Your Mind For Clarity, Focus, Peace, and Balance

    10 Ways To Declutter Your Mind For Clarity, Focus, Peace, and Balance

    Man Meditating

    “Life is as simple or complicated as we make it.” Donna Smallin

    The dreaded “C” word. Clutter.

    We all deal with it. In some part of our world, we face it: be it in our closets, in our offices, or even in our bodies. But the most distracting and debilitating cluttered space is in our heads.

    You know the feeling. Driving on autopilot to work. Forgetting important dates. Leaving the water running or the stove on. Stumbling over words, unable to make a point.

    When we’re caught up in our heads, distracted by worry or fear, we’re not present or clear-headed. And when we’re not clear-headed, we lose the connection to ourselves, our environment, and our lives.

    Mental clutter pulls us off center, disrupting our balance. It can get so jumbled and disorderly up there that we end up lost in la la land.

    Clearing Clutter At The Root

    Fortunately for me, I grew up in a big, loving family. However, a big family tends to hold all sorts of clutter. Raised with four siblings sharing one bathroom, one TV, and one telephone, let’s just say it got ugly. Probably didn’t help that Mom was a shopaholic and Dad was a packrat.

    The claustrophobia of my childhood left me wanting to live clutter-free.

    It wasn’t until my college years away from home that I started noticing how my mind was the cause of any clutter I carried with me; nothing and no one else was to blame.

    After a huge quarter-life crisis, I saw how I was compromising my own clarity and life balance with my own head-trash—the junk I kept upstairs.

    I then made a conscious choice to declutter my life, starting at the root of it all—my mind.

    But how do you begin to clear away the clutter you can’t see?

    Decluttering the mind requires us to become intentional on where we place our attention and how we spend our time and energy.

    Here are some tips to help you do that.

    1. Keep a gratitude log.

    Gratitude is appreciating what you have. It’s saying that what you have is enough. Taking time every day to consider your blessings will help bring balance to your life. It’s hard to be grateful and angry at the same time.

    Spend five minutes every day to note at least five things you’re grateful for. Some ideas: time with a friend, an award at school, your seatbelt, your breath, the colors in the park, and even the nourishing beauty of a rainy day.

    2. Journal.

    Whether digitally or with paper, journaling is a wonderful release of pent-up thought. By writing down your thoughts, worries, hopes, and experiences, you are finding respite from the chatter inside your head.

    Even though you’re still thinking of these things as you write, it’s like you’re observing the situation from ten feet away, no longer completely absorbed in the emotionality of it.

    Try to journal every day for however long it takes to feel peace on a topic. The more you do it, the faster the peace comes. Like in therapy, simply letting it out is healing because we’re relieved of the burden of keeping it all inside.

    3. Laugh.

    Laughter has been proven to be the best medicine for relieving stress. It eases defensiveness, lightens your emotional load, and lifts stress off your shoulders. It brings balance to your psyche because laughter is presence.

    Practice not taking yourself so seriously and laugh more often. Really laugh. A deep, hearty, Santa laugh. Watch comedies, hang out with funny friends, go to a comedy club, read the Sunday comic strips, or play with your kids or your dog. With so many options, stress doesn’t stand a chance.

    4. Zone out.

    Take time to rest your mind every day. Let your mind shut off from having to process, apply, or interpret information. This means no TV, no conversation, no reading, and no problem solving.

    Take a break from the chores, from the duties of the day. Let the breath come and go naturally, and the eyes roam wherever they want.

    Look at the trees sway, the clouds float, the stars shimmer. Afterward, when it comes time to work, you’ll find focus more easily than before your mini-retreat.

    5. Control your media intake.

    Watching or listening to anything and everything just because it’s on doesn’t bode well for your psyche. Subtle opinions, biases, and judgments creep into your mind and embed thought structures. Oblivious, you then form opinions that aren’t your own, simply because you heard it on the radio.

    Start really paying attention to the noise that you let seep into your eyes and ears. Ask, Is this benefitting my life in any way?

    6. Get creative.

    As often as possible, connect with your inner child by exploring your imagination. Let curiosity lead. When it comes to opportunities to get creative, there are plenty! A few of my faves: puzzles, coloring, drawing, singing, dancing, and even making a meal from scratch.

    The point is to get lost in awe and wonder like you did at five years old. When you achieve that feeling from a certain activity, keep doing it!

    7. Exercise.

    Move. Sweat. Stretch. Get active and get your endorphins going! Exercise helps control your weight, prevent illness, boost energy, and improve your mood. It helps you sleep better, feel better, and focus better.

    Find an activity that inspires you to raise your heart rate—dance, yoga, martial arts, running, walking, whatever. If maintain some level of frequent activity, it will serve your health and well-being for years to come.

    8. Get clear on your priorities.

    To figure out your top priorities, list your goals, your motivations, and those relationships that matter most to you. Then rank them in order of importance to your well-being. These are the things, respectively, that you’ll want to spend the most time on.

    Evaluate anything that comes between you and your priorities—is it worth you compromising on what matters most?

    9. Do something kind for another person.

    The late Zig Ziglar said, “You’ll get everything you want if you help others get what they want.” Whatever we feel is lacking in a situation is something we’re not giving. And anytime we feel lack or longing, we’re out of balance.

    Sounds counterintuitive, but if you want to see more of something in your life, start giving that thing away—be it love, money, or attention.

    Make it a point every day to be kind with your actions, your words, and especially your thoughts.

    If you don’t feel genuinely moved to lend a helping hand or pass along a compliment, simply smile instead. That act alone is enough to improve your mood and clear the mental blockage between you and compassion.

    10. Let go.

    Since when does worrying get you anywhere? Release those useless, negative thoughts of worry. When we do this regularly, we drastically reduce the amount of “stuff” that needs our attention and depletes our energy.

    Drawers and cabinets are not the only areas that need tidying. Our minds are full of thoughts in the form of judgments, expectations, and fears that blind us from the truth. Try monitoring your mind and replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. You’ll soon notice a change in your entire outlook on life.

    Maintaining A Balanced Life

    Life’s full of surprises. We control how we respond to them, and the best way to strike a balance is to roll with the punches and go with the flow. Life’s unpredictable course is our opportunity to meet surprises with acceptance and grace.

    It helps to have an open mind.

    Your turn: What are some ways you find clarity, focus, and balance in life?

    Meditating man image via Shutterstock

  • How to Stop Weighing Yourself Down with Emotional Junk Food

    How to Stop Weighing Yourself Down with Emotional Junk Food

    Woman Jumping

    “Everything in the universe is within you. Ask all from yourself.” ~Rumi

    I want to feel better. Who doesn’t? Yoga makes me feel better most of the time, but if I am being totally honest, I don’t always choose the healthy option. In fact, sometimes I pick the worst thing for me.

    For me, a plate of BBQ wings really hits the spot. That is, until a few hours later when the salt and protein load kicks in and I feel terrible. Again.

    While I may oscillate between healthy and unhealthy choices for my body, I know how to get fit through gyms, diet programs, and physicians.

    But what about my steady diet of junk food thoughts? How do I stop consuming them and focus on a healthier emotional diet?

    Junk Food Thoughts

    Everyone knows about the negative effects of an unhealthy lifestyle, but no one teaches us about the negative health effects of our thoughts.

    Worry, stress, anxiety, guilt, shame, and fear are the potato chips, processed foods, and chocolate cake of our emotional life. As satisfying as they may feel in the moment, their negative effects are just as toxic.

    And, like we have particular food cravings, we have particular thought cravings.

    My First Emotional Cleanse

    I built a healthcare company and sold it to a Fortune 500 eleven years later. In 2006, I made the decision to change my career and pursue a path toward my passions.

    As I attempted to discover my true desires, I came face to face with my emotional junk food and its effects. I felt terrible, I felt weighed down, and I could not figure out why.

    Like my craving for a plate of BBQ wings, I craved certain thoughts when I faced the decision to leave my job:

    I cannot leave.
    I have to keep my job.
    What am I going to do all day?
    I am going to be so bored.
    I went from $15,000 a year to an executive salary and stock options. Who leaves that?
    My parents will never understand or support this decision.
    There is something else out there for me.
    What if I am wrong and this decision destroys everything I have worked for? 

    The thoughts that I was unaware of were as toxic as the foods I know to avoid. A thought—a single sentence—stood in the way of the life I desired.

    How to Stop Consuming Unhealthy Thoughts

    Tune into your thoughts.

    You cannot stop the negative effects of these thoughts without awareness of their existence. What are your go-to junk food thoughts? What do you tell yourself when you consider changing a relationship, a job, or any other important area of your life?

    What is the exact language? Just like you may love a certain brand of chocolate or a certain type of potato chip, you will have exact language for your emotional craving.

    Accept their destructive effects on your health.

    One sentence can stand between you and your goals. A sentence—a set of words—becomes a belief. This belief will drive your actions. As simple as this is in concept, in practice, changing a few words can change your life. If you change the belief, you can change your actions.

    In my case, removing one sentence, “I can’t leave my job,” changed my life.

    Trade in your junk food thoughts for nutritious thoughts.

    What nutritious foods do you like? Kale? Salads? Smoothies? Veggies and hummus? Likewise, what nutritional thoughts do you like?

    Replace junk food thoughts with nutritional thoughts and free yourself to pursue your dreams.

    Some examples of nutritional thoughts:

    Are you avoidant?

    Today, I will step forward.
    I believe in my abilities.
    I am ready.
    I will take one action a day until I complete my goal.

    Are you angry with someone?

    Today, I will have compassion.
    Anger is poison.
    When others hurt me, they are in pain and I have tapped into my pain.
    I don’t personalize other people’s pain.

    Are you holding on to resentments?

    Today, I will let go.
    Resentments have no value.
    Letting go does not mean I accept this person into my life.
    I am not a victim.

    Are you always behind and do your lists have lists?

    Today, I choose me.
    I will schedule one thing for myself today: a massage, a manicure, a workout, or a quiet room with a book.
    This is my life.
    I drive the choices I make with my time, even if it does not feel like it.

    —

    I wanted to leave my job and step into a career that was more aligned with my passion. One day, I discovered my problem was not the mundane details involved in changing jobs. It was the deep craving for my destructive thoughts.

    This time I reached for a healthier option:

    It is my right to follow my passions
    I am going to write, even if it is not perfect.
    I trust that my path will become clear, even if it is not obvious now.

    With these simple sentences, I changed my career and found the passion in my life that I really craved.

    I still struggle to make healthy choices, but now I understand that I have to forego my favorite BBQ wings and resist my favorite junk food thoughts.

    Jumping woman image via Shutterstock

  • We Can Be Positive Without Repressing Our Emotions

    We Can Be Positive Without Repressing Our Emotions

    “I’m stronger because of the hard times, wiser because of my mistakes, and happier because I have known sadness.” ~Unknown

    One day at my part-time job, my supervisor told me that my boss wanted to talk to me. This was completely unexpected, so I was a bit concerned. Everything had been going so incredibly smoothly in my life for the past week or two, and all I wanted was to keep that oh-so-wonderful peacefulness going.

    But when I came into her office, I knew in my entire being that something was off. My stomach clinched up and I could feel my heart starting to sink down to my feet. As she spoke the words, “We are cutting your position, so we don’t need you anymore” I could feel my body wilting.

    It was as if I were a flower that had just been placed out in the middle of the Sierra Desert without any water or trees in sight.

    I could feel the tears in my eyes begin to emerge. I quickly resisted and held them in to maintain my composure and professionalism.

    As I drove home and began to tell my boyfriend, friends, and family what had happened, I noticed that I continued to maintain this composure. No crying. No tears.

    This was a bit weird for me, as in the past year or two it had been incredibly easy for me to breakdown and cry whenever I felt upset, stressed, or overwhelmed with emotion.

    The next day, I shared my bad news once again with some peers. In that sharing I noticed something that I was doing: Every time sadness came up in my being, I denied it by making a comment like, “But this is good because…” or “Well, the good thing is that…”

    I was restricting my emotions with my insistent thoughts telling me to focus on the positive.

    In a world where New-Age positivity is running rampant in the self-help or self-improvement sections of bookstores, it can be easy for us to get so caught up in the “be positive” mindset that we end up repressing our emotions.

    In repressing our true emotions, we end up hurting ourselves more than we would have if we simply expressed them from the get-go.

    However, at the same time, positivity is certainly not a bad thing. Striving to look on the bright side can help us reduce stress and accomplish things that wouldn’t have been able to if we had been sitting around sulking in self-pity, despair, or negativity for weeks or months.

    So, how can we manage to find a balance of living in a positive mindset while still being true to our own emotions?

    When the feeling emerges, just let it out!

    Yes, there may be some circumstances where you may need to wait a bit, but be sure to let it out. If you feel a surge of sadness come over you, cry it out. If you need to talk about your feelings, confide in someone you trust.

    Don’t tell yourself to “look on the bright side.” Don’t tell yourself to focus on all the positive things.

    Just accept the feeling that you are experiencing and allow yourself to release it. You’ll notice that you feel better in doing so.

    When the feelings feel “cleared,” speak to yourself kindly and positively.

    If you lost your job, tell yourself throughout the day, “I am capable of getting another job” or “I may find something even more fulfilling.”

    If you’ve just gone through a break-up, tell yourself, “I am worthy of a supportive relationship” or “I am creating loving relationships in my life.”

    Shifting negative, worrisome thoughts to more empowering ones can help us gradually shift our energy from negative to positive.

    Many self-help authors tell us to “be positive” because having a positive attitude helps us get more out of life. People are attracted to positive energy. And positivity helps keep us motivated to continue doing the things we need to do.

    Remember that some feelings are going to linger—and that’s okay!

    Even if you think you cried it all out or talked it through sufficiently, your feelings may linger.

    You’re always going to experience sadness, worry, anger, and so on. It’s part of being human.

    So remember to acknowledge and accept that. Though there are certainly positive, happy, successful people out there, know that they still have their low moments and hard days too.

    The key to dealing with them successfully is to completely accept whatever you’re feeling, and consciously choose to work through it so you can let it go.