Tiny Buddha

Category: letting go

  • How to Leave a Toxic Relationship When You’re Still in Love

    How to Leave a Toxic Relationship When You’re Still in Love

    “Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” ~Marilyn Monroe

    Why does it have to hurt so badly?

    You’re so in love, but your relationship has become toxic. It simply can’t continue.

    Night after sleepless night, you lie awake replaying the fights in your head.

    You can’t understand why your partner won’t change or how they can simply ignore how you feel. You wonder if they ever truly loved you.

    You’ve tried everything to save your relationship, but nothing’s worked. You know it’s time to end it, yet the thought of being alone petrifies you.

    But still, the pain has become too unbearable. If you don’t end things now, you might completely lose yourself.

    Learning to Let Go

    Letting go of someone you care about is definitely a difficult thing to do.

    I was forced to accept that my relationship with my ex wasn’t meant to be.

    The lies and the cheating became too much to handle. And to make matters worse, he was also physically abusive to me.

    The blows were so unexpected. I never knew if the next argument would put me in the hospital, or maybe worse, be my last.

    I wanted him to stop hurting me. I wanted him to understand that his behavior tore me apart inside.

    I wanted him to change.

    It didn’t matter how much I loved him. It didn’t matter if I was the best woman or friend in the universe; nothing would have worked.

    Was he really worth all of this?

    No, he wasn’t. And I knew I needed to get him out of my life.

    If you’re stuck in a toxic relationship, know that you can find the strength to get yourself out of it and move on.

    Realize That You Deserve Better

    Sometimes, loving someone just isn’t enough if you aren’t receiving the same love in return.

    It’s like putting work into an old, broken-down car. No matter how much sweat and tears you put into it, it will never be the same again.

    The time you waste on the wrong person prevents the right person from coming your way.

    How can they come into your life if you already have that space filled?

    It took me a long time to realize this.

    If you had told me back then that I would have found a man who truly loved and respected me for who I was, I would have never believed you.

    I had to let go.

    Shortly after as I let go of my abusive relationship, I met my husband. He is the reason I believe in true love today.

    I am living proof that you can experience true love if you just believe that something much better is out there for you.

    You may not know who they are, or when they will come, but they are waiting on you to let go so that they can come into your life.

    Stop Waiting for Your Partner to Change

    This is the biggest mistake a person can make when deciding to stay in a relationship in which you’re being mistreated.

    You have to accept that the only person you control in this world is yourself.

    Unless the other person owns up to their mistakes, and shows the desire to get help, they probably won’t change.

    They may promise to change and turn things around for the better.

    They may even be genuine about their intentions at that moment.

    But more than likely, things will stay the same, especially if they made promises in the past that they didn’t fulfill.

    Change has to come from within; it can’t be forced. Only then do things have a chance of working themselves out.

    I thought my ex would change for me. I thought that if I tried hard enough to convince him how much he hurt me, he would have no choice but to change. But I was wrong.

    Sometimes our judgment is clouded. Sometimes we simply want to see the best in someone. Sometimes we’re just so afraid of being alone.

    Regardless of what we tell ourselves, some relationships are just irreparable.

    Accept That It Will Hurt

    There is no easy way of getting around it.

    It’s going to hurt. And it’s going to hurt a lot!

    You’re worried about missing the feeling of being desired and wanted, the intimate and close moments you shared.

    Instead of being just a part of your life, they have become your entire life. You have forgotten how to live for yourself.

    Getting over the initial discomfort of being alone is the hardest part. But once you get past that stage, life becomes a whole lot easier.

    The lessons you learn along the way will allow you to grow and become a better person.

    The pain will not last forever. Time is your best friend.

    When I ended my relationship with my ex, I tried everything I could to distract myself. I figured that if I didn’t think about it, the pain would eventually disappear.

    When that didn’t work, I tried to think of ways to mend our relationship rather than end it. I figured that accepting the disappointment in him was easier to handle than being lonely.

    That was another failed attempt at avoiding heartache.

    At some point, I knew I had to accept that it would never work out, and any route I took to end it wouldn’t be an easy one.

    If you work through the pain, instead of trying to avoid it, you limit the chances of your feelings coming back to haunt you later on.

    Use Crying As a Cure

    The best thing you can do for yourself is to release the pain. Don’t hold it in.

    Sometimes, we are expected to be strong when we’re dealing with tough situations.

    I’ve found that to be ineffective.

    The more I tried to hold in my pain and be strong, the worse I felt, and I eventually stressed myself out.

    So what did I do?

    I cried.

    I cried over and over again, and then I cried some more.

    Yup, you heard me right.

    I cried like a baby!

    I stopped pretending everything was okay. I allowed the tears to keep falling until I felt they couldn’t fall any longer. It lasted a few weeks, but I felt like a new person when it was over.

    The tight feeling in my chest was no longer there. I began to think clearer and notice that things weren’t truly as bad as I thought they were.

    I started smiling again. I started noticing the sun shining and the beautiful clouds in the sky. I was no longer in that dark place. I felt brand new.

    Instead of trying to be strong, crying can help with the healing process.

    Take Some Time Off

    Sometimes, it seems like the end of the world, even though it’s not.

    Your mind attempts to play tricks on you, making you believe that happiness isn’t possible any longer.

    But that isn’t true.

    Often, the best cure for pain is time.

    By resting your heart, mind and soul, you give yourself a chance to heal. This is also the best time to get to know you.

    Maybe there’s a hobby that you love or an activity you enjoy doing.

    For me, it was baking. Even though it didn’t completely take my mind off of things, it allowed me to spend time alone doing something I really enjoyed.

    And I appreciated that.

    Eventually, I began focusing more on myself, and less on my situation.

    It didn’t work immediately, but over time, it helped a lot.

    If you allow it, each day will become a little easier. Time heals.

    And even though my relationship didn’t work out as planned, I realized I could still enjoy my life.

    Happiness is Within Your Control

    Your life isn’t over. Taking back control begins with you.

    Everyone needs help at one time or another. You don’t have to go through this alone.

    If you’re in a toxic relationship, there are people that can help you. Seeking help from your loved ones, a professional or even a clergy member, can help you get back on your feet.

    I am living proof that you can get through this. You can overcome your situation.

    Just imagine finally being happy again and enjoying the things that you used to love. No more worrying about the future. You are finally content with the present.

    The load has been lifted off of your chest. The tears no longer fall.

    You finally realize you deserve better. It may seem unimaginable right now, but it’s definitely possible.

    If you make the choice today, you are one step closer to a happier tomorrow.

    You can do it. I believe in you. Now it’s time for you to believe in yourself.

    Make a declaration that today starts the healing process. From now on, you will work toward living the amazing life you deserve.

    **If you believe you are in a dangerous situation, please seek help. Don’t wait. Contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline for help. You can find additional free resources here.

    Clinging woman image via Shutterstock

  • How to Recover and Find Strength after Losing a Parent

    How to Recover and Find Strength after Losing a Parent

    “When we meet real tragedy in life, we can react in two ways – either by losing hope and falling into self-destructive habits or by using the challenge to find our inner strength.” ~Dalai Lama

    There was a period in life I called “the golden era.” Not in hindsight but at the actual time.

    I named it such because I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude.

    Everyone I loved was alive and well. I had a good job, a home, and a loving companion. All the things everyone longs for.

    Little did I know, this “golden era” would end too soon.

    One day, out of the blue, Mum asked if I had noticed a change in Dad’s behavior. She described how he could no longer write his signature and would often become distant.

    After some tests, we discovered that my father had a brain tumor.

    That instantly spelled the end of the golden era and the beginning of a rather painful period.

    Watching someone who was strong become weak and bedridden, suffer seizures, and eventually drift away eats away at you.

    It’s difficult to describe the tumultuous wave of feelings that come and overwhelm you. There’s the fear of coping with loss and feeling powerless because you can’t cure the illness and avoid the inevitable.

    Losing a parent can feel like losing part of yourself. If they’ve always been there, helping and supporting you, it’s hard to imagine coping without them.

    Getting through such a bleak period, however, proved one thing:

    We are stronger than we think.

    Somewhere inside us is a resilience we never thought possible.

    Use the following steps to uncover your inner strength, overcome grief, and learn to smile again.

    1. Forgive yourself.

    When a parent dies, guilt can become a burden because of past arguments you now regret or maybe because you think you didn’t do enough to help them.

    You should realize no parent-child relationship is ever perfect. Disputes, mistakes, and shortcomings occur on both sides and are all in the past. You were still loved even if you were seldom told.

    By recognizing the past as something that is finished and unchangeable, you can begin to free yourself from guilt and reflect on the good times instead. The good times are what they would want you to remember.

    2. Face your feelings.

    Feelings of loss or anger can grow stronger if left unchecked, especially if you’ve never known death so close.

    Exploring ways to cope with these feelings myself led to meditation. Mindfulness meditation is one way to help understand the flow of these feelings.

    Imagine sitting on a river bank and watching the boats sail by. Similarly, by watching your thoughts, you’ll see how your grief has influenced your emotions. This “watching” of thoughts creates an awareness of their impact on how you feel that, in turn, reduces the pendulum effect of emotions. By anticipating emotions, you begin to reduce their power.

    3. Keep talking.

    The sudden reality of not being able to chat to your Mum or Dad again can be hard to accept.

    For a time after losing Dad, I still chatted to him. I asked what he thought of something, but of course I didn’t expect an answer. It was a way of getting the words out that were already in me to say.

    Don’t hide from the fact that your parent is gone. Visit the grave, and chat to them in thoughts. Whatever makes you feel comfortable. Not only does it keep their memory alive, but it’s also a release for your feelings.

    4. Look after you.

    Grief can take its toll in many ways. Loss of sleep, reduced appetite, and damaged immune system are not uncommon. The remedy is to protect your health and fitness.

    Like the pre-flight safety instructions to put on your oxygen mask before helping others, protect your health first to ensure you can heal and help others do the same.

    You only need to take small steps. Get walking with a friend, eat natural, unprocessed food, and stay hydrated. When your body feels strong, it will lift your mood and help you cope.

    5. Take time out.

    During the immediate aftermath, you’ll have an overwhelming to-do list. From making funeral arrangements to addressing legal matters. All physically and mentally exhausting.

    It’s vital for your physical and mental health to rest. If you take a vacation to recuperate when things have settled, you’ll be able to return refreshed to help your family over the longer term. Never feel guilty for taking time off.

    6. Avoid comparisons.

    During grief, we can become self-conscious of how we’re perceived by others. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, so don’t judge your reaction to loss. You don’t need to look or behave a certain way.

    A colleague returned to work recently the day after their father’s funeral, which attracted comment, whereas I took several weeks off.

    Don’t worry about how it looks to others or what they might think. This is your personal journey and yours alone, so never fear judgment. Do what’s right for you.

    7. Be patient.

    Missing a parent is natural, and if you were very close, you’ll need time to adjust.

    Time heals the acuteness of pain, but you may continue to miss your parent. After five years, I still miss Dad very much. Hardly a week goes by that I don’t think of him, but it used to be hardly a day.

    Don’t wish time away in the hope you can speed up the healing process. Recovery will happen at its own natural pace.

    8. Support your family.

    The passing of a parent can send a shockwave across the whole family. We might become withdrawn in our own grief and not realize others are sharing in the loss.

    So offer your hand in support to other family members. You will avoid feeling isolated if you focus on the needs of others and help other loved ones to cope.

    As a loving team, you will be able to count on each other at different times to get through the toughest periods together.

    9. Enjoy precious memories.

    There was a time I couldn’t think of Dad without a tear. When I returned to work, I had to make a determined effort not to swell up when colleagues offered condolences.

    But I discovered that I could still enjoy my Dad’s “company” by recalling the good times we shared. The laughs, the trips, and the DIY jobs that seemed to take forever.

    Don’t avoid reliving your precious moments in your mind’s eye. A time will come when you smile or laugh to yourself just as you did at the time. So let your parent live on in your thoughts, and enjoy seeing them there any time you wish.

    10. Accept the new you.

    As we get older, our opinions and outlook on life can change. The passing of a parent is one of those experiences that will change you. I became more tolerant because life’s trivia was put in context.

    Worry about missing deadlines, being late for an event, or having a new gadget malfunction. Events that annoy us day to day pale into insignificance.

    This change is not for the better or worse; it’s simply a change. Grief increases awareness that all things change, so prioritize what’s really important.

    Value and enjoy every waking moment, and let the new you grab each precious day with passion.

    Unlock a New Chapter

    Society often writes off the death of a parent as the natural order of events, but those who’ve experienced it know how life-changing it is.

    You feel hurt and loss because you have a heart but that heart is stronger than you ever imagined.

    With the steps above, the same heart can grow in confidence, beat with new hope, and become healthier than ever before. You can still enjoy life, and you should.

    Life is there to be cherished.

    It’s what your parent would have wanted. Live your life in the knowledge they’d be happy for you.

  • You Don’t Need to Fix the Past in Order to Have a New Future

    You Don’t Need to Fix the Past in Order to Have a New Future

    Past in the Sand

    Note: The winners for this giveaway have been chosen! They are:

    • Dianna
    • Michael Maher
    • Kathleen B
    • Yusuf Stoptagginmeanyhow Sulei
    • Aparna

    “The future is completely open, and we are writing it moment to moment.” ~Pema Chodron

    My family recently drove from Michigan to North Carolina—twenty hours roundtrip. To entertain themselves, my five-year-old daughter Willow taught my three-year-old son Miller to play rock-paper-scissors in the backseat.

    Miller learned the hand signals and got the overall concept pretty quickly, but he had a hard time with the fast speed of the game. Willow narrated, “Rock-paper-scissors…go! Okay, next round!” But Miller wanted to linger.

    When he chose paper and Willow chose scissors, he’d see her scissors and quickly try to change to rock so that he could win the round.

    Or if he chose rock and she chose scissors, he’d want to stop and hang out in his win for a while. He’d celebrate, gloat, and become frustrated when she was already on to the next round.

    My husband and I tried to explain to Miller that it was a quick game with no time to hold on to what was already done. There’s also no need to hold on—each round brings a brand new chance to win or lose.

    While we tried to teach him that it made more sense to leave the past behind and look toward the next round, his let-it-go-and-move-on wasn’t up to par compared to his older sister’s.

    Miller turned rock-paper-scissors into a slow, thought-heavy emotional roller coaster, where every move felt important and meaningful. What could have been a fun and easy game was not very fun for him.

    It was clear to see how Miller was getting in his own way. And then it hit me that I—and most people I know—do the same thing in our adult lives. We innocently get in our own way as we focus on what we don’t like and try to make it better when it would be far easier to leave the past behind and look toward the “next round.”

    Life is always moving through us—nothing is permanent. New thought and emotion flow through us constantly, creating our rotating and fluid experience of life.

    Sometimes we stay out of the way and let our experience flow. Willow was staying out of the way as she played rock-paper-scissors (and she was having a great time, I might add). And sometimes we’re more like Miller, innocently blocking the easy flow of life with our opinions, judgments, and disapproval. We don’t pick up and move on as much as we focus on righting what is already over.

    In hindsight, I can see how I’ve dammed up my own flow of experience at times in my life, especially when I was struggling with things I wanted to change.

    When I was facing a confusing and uncontrollable binge eating habit, for example, I thought what I was supposed to do was to examine it, analyze it, talk about it, and focus on it with a whole lot of emotion and energy until I made it go away.

    But more often than not, that created more suffering. It left me even more convinced that my habit was a serious problem that I needed to solve, and it left me feeling hopeless because I didn’t know how to solve it.

    Of course, there’s a lot to be said for understanding ourselves and our experiences in a new way and taking action where action is needed. Those are absolutely necessary. But keeping our “problem” under a constant microscope, trying to use our intellect to solve it as if it’s a crossword puzzle, is not the way to freedom.

    If new thought, emotion, and insight are always flowing through us like a river, doesn’t it make sense to look upstream at what’s coming next, especially when we’re experiencing something we don’t like? It’s just like we told Miller in rock-paper-scissors: if you don’t like what happened in this round, let it go and look toward the next round.

    But we forget this when it comes to the big things in life, don’t we? It seems responsible, necessary, or adult-like to hold the problem tightly until we fix it.

    If our moment-to-moment experience of life is like a river rushing through us, our “fix-it” attempts are the equivalent of standing in the middle of the river, filling a bucket with the water that has already flowed past and carrying that bucket with us everywhere we go.

    We obstruct the momentum of the river and analyze that old, familiar “problem” water to death, not realizing that if we only turned and looked upstream we’d have an excellent chance of seeing something new and different.

    Looking upstream we might see with fresh eyes—looking downstream, we’re just looking at more of what we already know.

    With regard to my binge eating habit, I realized that my best chance for change would come from letting go of everything I thought I knew and being open to fresh, new insights and ideas. Not carrying around the past or analyzing the problem; instead, being open and unencumbered.

    As I began to see my habit-related thoughts and behaviors as things flowing by me that I didn’t need to grab ahold of, they passed by more easily. Each and every day I found myself less in the way, realizing that I was very separate from those unwanted thoughts and urges.

    When my habit-related experience looked more like leaves floating on the surface of the river than like gigantic boulders, life took on a new feeling of ease. I saw that I could gently dodge some of what was coming down the river rather than stop and fight with or fix it. The healthy “me” was more visible than ever.

    Not staring at your problems is not ignoring or denying the issue any more than Willow was ignoring or denying the previous rock-paper-scissors round when she easily moved on. Take note of how your experience feels. When life—which really is very game-like—feels like a difficult, not fun, emotional rollercoaster, you’re holding on to something, innocently getting in your own way.

    Maybe even the bigger issues in life really aren’t so different than rock-paper-scissors—you get what you get, but you don’t have to stay there and try to change the last round. Let life flow and as you do, the healthy, clear, peaceful version of yourself will be more visible than ever too.

    NOTE: Amy has generously offered to give five copies of her new book, The Little Book of Big Change: The No-Willpower Approach to Breaking Any Habit. Leave a comment on the post for a chance to win! You can enter until midnight, PST, on Friday, February 5th.

    Past in the sand image via Shutterstock

  • Overcoming Shame When You Took a Risk and It Didn’t Work Out

    Overcoming Shame When You Took a Risk and It Didn’t Work Out

    “Live, travel, adventure, bless, and don’t be sorry.” ~Jack Kerouac

    There was no denying it. I had reached a dead-end. A year and a half spent living in a southern town that was simply too small for me; it was time to go. I needed a city, preferably a large one filled with numerous opportunities for a budding young writer.

    Ironically, the very day it dawned on me that it was time to move to a metropolitan area, love summoned me. It shouted to me from thousands of miles away, beckoning me to change the course of my travels.

    My long distance/Californian boyfriend, the one I designated the great love of my life, declared that he wanted to move in with me—to the very place I had deemed to be a dead-end. He was sick of his hometown. He wanted to come to mine so we could finally be together.

    I knew I couldn’t have my cake and eat it too. I had to make a choice. A city would wait for me; I wasn’t so sure love would.

    It took only two months of us living together in Deadendsville for him to suggest that we move. I was hoping he would maybe say Chicago or Boston or New York. Instead, he shocked me by saying he wanted to return to his suburban hometown in Northern California.

    I knew he wouldn’t go with me to a big city. He had made up his mind. He wanted me to follow him so he could teach me to surf, so we could camp at Big Sur, so we could have our tanned bodies tangled together every night.

    A more sensible person might have ignored such a romantic request, favoring sanity and security over things like sunshine, pheromones, and fun. But I, in my reckless abandonment of all that could potentially shield me from making a poor decision, refused to be sensible. I wanted (more than anything) to be true to my wild heart, which in that moment meant chasing after him.

    Like magic, the dead end disappeared and I found myself hurtling at 80 mph across the country toward California. I had no plan. No job lined up. No friends. Heck, I had never even been to the state of California, but there I was, road tripping on some lonely desert highway, pledging my allegiance to the west.

    At twenty-eight years old, I knew what was expected of me. I was supposed to be at the very least veering toward adulthood, making responsible decisions, preparing for my future.

    All of my peers were getting engaged, making down payments on houses, building their careers. Meanwhile, I was on a mad adventure, whizzing past cacti and mountains, feasting on chips and guacamole, in awe of my own defiant behavior.

    Sadly, my fiery romance burned out faster than a campfire in a hurricane, which ultimately spelled out all kinds of trouble for me. I had blown through my savings. I had no vehicle for transportation. No clue where the hell I was going. I also had a hole in my heart the size of Texas. I was beyond lost.

    Worst of all, shame swarmed all around me. Loved ones reminding me it was my fault for having such a flimsy plan. My own inner voice reminding me that I should have known better.

    I felt too old to be this naive, this bad at protecting myself. I could barely get out of bed, and yet I still had the energy to shame myself over and over again for the foolish choice I had made.

    Thankfully, my great aunt (whom I barely knew) invited me to stay on her ranch while I licked my wounds in Southern California.

    She too had moved to California in her youth for a love that did not last very long. Apparently, many broken-hearted women in my lineage had sought out comfort in her abode. It’s practically a rite of passage.

    Never once did my aunt say anything about my poor planning or taste in men. All she said was, “So what if you didn’t have a plan and you ran off with some jerk? You had an adventure. You come from a line of very strong women. You will get through this.”

    There it was. Lo and behold, the tiniest taste of the healing elixir my soul was so desperately thirsting for. I vowed to get well again, to build up my strength, to never again let shame bully me into forsaking my heart.

    On the long and winding road to recovering my sense of self-worth, this is what I learned…

    Sometimes, we do stupid stuff. We leap before we look. We make unsafe bets. We throw caution to the wind. We let lust lead the way.

    It is almost guaranteed that when we take those daring leaps, we become students of humility. We learn why skydivers carry parachutes and trapeze artists have safety nets. We come to understand why for better or worse it is smart to set up certain variables that will help cushion our fall.

    And yet, in this great hour of learning, if we forget about the love or the excitement that led us to leap from such great heights, we run the risk of inviting shame into our experience.

    When we do that, we make ourselves vulnerable to all sorts of nasty pathogens that seek to attack our inspiration, our courage, our joy.

    In case you weren’t aware of it, shame is one of fear’s favorite minions. Fear is very impressed by shame’s innate ability to make even the most gifted human being feel like they have nothing to offer.

    Fear and shame have been working together since ancient times, and sadly it does not look like they are going to break contract anytime soon. Together, they create much of the propaganda that has folks like you and me believing that we are the world’s shining examples of failure.

    The minute we allow shame to start broadcasting in our brains, there is no telling what other forces will join fear’s army of oppression. Regret. Guilt. Hatred. Disgust. All of them are sadistic opportunists who have no other way of gaining power than feeding off of yours. Still, it is tempting, isn’t it, to invite these ambassadors of fear to keep us company when we are feeling down and out?

    You must trust that there is nothing pleasant about having your heart raked over the coals. Nor is there anything so wondrous about sitting with your head hung low sputtering out the words “I’m sorry” or “I shouldn’t have” over and over again. It is actually quite dull. Shame, of course, will try to glamorize the whole act of penance.

    Try not to be dismayed by the fact that your thrilling moment of flight was followed by an equally epic fall. So what if the drastic descent blew your self-esteem to bits or fractured the very bones of your dearest relationship? It is not personal. It is not your fault. It is just gravity.

    Give the situation some time to heal. If you get lonely, call upon humor, but leave shame out of the picture. I can assure you, shame has no desire to see you put yourself back together.

    And what about that choir of onlookers that keeps singing the same four words over and over again: We told you so? Tell them it was one hell of a ride. Tell them you would do it all again—broken bones and all.

    Whatever mistake you think you made, whatever wrong turn you might have taken, if it was prompted by the desire to expand your capacity to live fully or love and be loved, then you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. You need not repent for a thing. So quit condemning your heart. It is likely that it has suffered enough.

    Here is the secret that lovers and fools and risk takers and geniuses have been whispering into one another’s ears for centuries: Never listen to the sober ones who refuse to drink from the cup that is inspiration.

    But you, who has gulped your way through life, unafraid to pair the sweet with the sour, you know why you answered the call, though it left you a bit bruised and battered. You know why you chose to move in a direction that was both surprising and intended.

    Hold onto that knowing. Protect it at all costs. Defend it with your sole existence. It is the medicine you must take to remember that embracing a path full of possibility and adventure is nothing to be ashamed of.

  • You Don’t Have to Appear Perfect: It’s Okay to Admit You’re Flawed

    You Don’t Have to Appear Perfect: It’s Okay to Admit You’re Flawed

    You Were Born to Be Real

    “Out of your vulnerabilities will come your strength.” ~Sigmund Freud

    If you’re anything like I was, you have an image of yourself that you want other people to adopt. You think people expect that of you or would like you better if that’s who you were, so you pretend to be that person.

    Over time, you put on layers of protection to prevent people from seeing the imperfections that would undermine that perception. You refuse to admit to those imperfections. You may also blame others, the weather, or fate for any perceived failure—anything but yourself.

    As a result, you can’t interact with people in a real way because you can never let your guard down and be yourself. So your relationships are less than they could be.

    And you can’t really grow, because that would involve admitting you have a weakness.

    I’ve been there.

    I spent decades trying to live up to the image I thought people wanted and expected of me: the golden-boy, the successful one, the smart one.

    I am an only child and the oldest kid in my generation in my family. With that came a lot of pressure, mostly self-imposed.

    I got good grades in smart-kid classes, I didn’t drink, I didn’t do drugs, I started on my high school basketball team, I could do things on my own without help, I didn’t make mistakes.

    The problem was I did make mistakes. For example, when I was seventeen I wrecked my friend’s car because I didn’t look before I pulled into traffic, but I blamed the clutch.

    After a basketball game in which I missed a few free throws, at the next practice, our coach put me on the free-throw line and made me shoot until I made two in a row.

    Every time I missed, the whole team had to run except for me. The team ended up running twenty times before I finally hit the free throws. Instead of taking responsibility for not putting in the work to make sure I made the free throws, I blamed the coach for putting me in that “unfair” position.

    When my college relationship broke up, I blamed my girlfriend for being clingy and selfish. But the reality was that we just weren’t right for each other and it had as much, or more, to do with me than it had to do with her.

    What I perceived as clingy and selfish was just her totally reasonable reaction to my fear of commitment and my resulting withdrawal. Not recognizing that it was mostly my issue led to a series of relationships where I made similar mistakes, always concluding my partner was clingy—until I finally took a look in the mirror and recognized the only consistent variable was me.

    In each of these examples, and countless other times, I just ignored my mistake or made some excuse for it and kept moving on because recognizing it wouldn’t fit in with the perfect version of myself I thought everyone expected.

    The more time I spent being this polished up version of myself, the more removed I became from who I actually was. And it just built on itself all throughout adulthood.

    In fact, even when I started being okay doing things I would have perceived as a mistake when I was younger, like drinking socially, I wouldn’t do it around my family. Not even at holiday functions when everyone else was drinking.

    I felt like I needed to live up to the idealized version of myself that I envisioned they had. So I kept up appearances.

    The longer I lived that version of life, the more difficult, almost impossible, it became for me to grow, because to do so meant I had to recognize I did actually make mistakes and had room to grow.

    It may sound like I was conceited and super full of myself, but that wasn’t really it. It wasn’t that I believed I was perfect; I just needed everyone else to believe I was, which meant I had to pretend. I was terrified of anyone finding out it wasn’t true.

    When I finally came to terms with the fact that playing perfect (unsuccessfully, I might add) was a terrible way to go about being happy, having real relationships, and making choices in life, it was terrifying.

    It meant I had to do something I never really had before—admit weaknesses, admit I needed help with things, admit mistakes were my fault, not someone else’s or just bad luck.

    Peeling off the layers of protection is an ongoing process. But it has allowed me to reach out for help and truly grow as a person for the first time in a long time.

    Ironically, becoming vulnerable has allowed me to get closer to being (although certainly not actually becoming) the person I pretended to be for so long.

    It can do the same thing for you.

    You Aren’t Sir So and So, Take Off the Knight-like Suit of Armor

    Being hurt sucks, whether it’s physically, mentally, or emotionally. So we protect ourselves from pain.

    And we are generally good at minimizing the physical kind.

    Our lives are climate-controlled, we rarely feel the pangs of hunger or a desperate thirst, we treat our illnesses and minor aches with medicines that knock them out before they really get started, and we rarely experience the loss of a loved one before old age.

    All of that is great, and a fairly good list of why we should be thankful to live in the modern world rather than any of those that preceded it.

    But we also spend a lot of energy protecting ourselves from the type of emotional pain that comes along with being authentic and vulnerable, admitting our weaknesses.

    And, ironically, that causes us significant emotional pain because having to always be a shined-up, polished version of ourselves is hard and stressful.

    Plus, it cheats us out of the type of emotional pleasure we want because when we aren’t authentic with people, it’s very difficult to have authentic emotional connections.

    It also blocks our growth.

    The longer you act as though you are perfect the way you are, the harder it is for you to see where you need or want to grow.

    You become so used to acting perfect, you start to believe it. Maybe not intellectually, but subconsciously, you think, “I’m pretty good as I am. I just need a lucky break and then I’ll be happy and successful.”

    And when you start putting the focus and power on your future success on something external like “a lucky break,” you fairly quickly lose any motivation for self-improvement and instead just sit around doing what you have been doing, waiting for fortune to smile on you one way or another.

    This is not a great formula for improvement, or success for that matter.

    Also, not being vulnerable makes it is difficult, if not impossible, to recruit anyone else to help you because to do so, you have to admit you aren’t perfect.

    So how do you start this process?

    The first step is to the difference between who you are and the version you show to the people in your life.

    This will take time, because (if you are anything like me) you have been play-acting “super-you” for so long that it’s actually hard to tease out the difference. That’s okay.

    Start small. Just listen to yourself talk to people over the next couple of days. In what situations do you say things you really don’t believe so that you can fit in? Are there particular people that you do it more often with?

    Once you’ve identified your situations where you tend to cover up your flaws, the next step is doing something about it.

    When you find yourself in the situations in which you tend to be less than honest about who you are, be diligent about being true to yourself. Stop yourself, or even correct yourself if you say something dishonest.

    If you can start to be vulnerable in those situations, it will start to be much easier to do it throughout your entire day.

    That has certainly been the case for me.

    For a long time I regularly covered up my faults and weaknesses with my family because I desperately wanted to meet their expectations. So when they asked, everything was always great. School was great, work was great, and my relationship was great, even when they weren’t.

    Once I decided to just be real with my family, my relationships with them, which had previously felt inauthentic, plastic, and rigid, started to warm, soften, and deepen.  

    The other situation where I was rarely, if ever, willing to admit mistakes was in athletics. When something went wrong while I was playing, it was always bad luck or someone else’s fault.

    When I recognized my tendency to be inauthentic in team situations, and embraced it, taking responsibility when things were my fault, a couple things happened.

    One, no one kicked me out and judged me as incompetent (which was my fear), and two, I was able to get help to get better at things.

    Taking strides toward admitting my imperfections in these areas carried over to other situations too.

    For example, I am now much more likely to admit that I did something wrong at home or in my personal relationships.

    When you allow yourself to recognize you aren’t perfect, you will also be able pursue growth, stop making the same mistakes over and over again, and deepen your relationships with everyone you interact with.

    —

    Shedding the layers of protection you have put on over the years is hard, but once you give yourself permission to do it, the freedom will feel tangible. You will breathe an exhilarating sigh of relief.

    And once you’ve started the process, the momentum will carry you. You will start living a life and having relationships that are true to you, not to whatever you thought everyone else wanted from you.

    And it is all within your power. You just have to decide, and then do it.

    You were born to be real image via Shutterstock

  • The Easy Path to Purpose: Forget “Should” and Do What You Love

    The Easy Path to Purpose: Forget “Should” and Do What You Love

    Stop Dreaming

    “Your daily life is your temple and your religion. When you enter into it take with you your all.” ~Khalil Gibran

    In my mid twenties I found out I had a mass on my pituitary. I was told it could be cancer, it could be benign, it could be a cyst—we wouldn’t know until my doctor performed a surgery to remove it. This surgery meant I could go blind, be on lifelong hormone replacement therapy, or even die.

    I don’t want you to wait until something bad happens to dedicate time to things you love.

    Countless people I meet share the same story over and over again when I tell them I’m an artist:

    “I was told I was good at drawing, but Dad wanted me to be a doctor,” “It reminds me of my love of the theatre. I keep thinking about joining our local community theatre, but I never seem to get round to doing it.”

    It seems calling oneself an artist triggers a longing for creative expression in many.

    How can we find and follow our inner guide?

    While waiting for the big day of surgery, I hid away in the basement of my sister’s home. I painted for perhaps my last time. I painted for the pure joy of painting. For perhaps the first time in my life I didn’t hear a bunch of “shoulds” running around my mind. I painted as a channel, connected to whatever source gave me the inspiration for that work.

    The world around us communicates a whole lot of expectation on our lives. We have pressures to stay connected, to succeed, to travel, to be the perfect parent, to somehow “balance” our life, all while eating green smoothies, cooking homemade fresh organic meals, and exercising regularly.

    That’s a whole lot of “shoulds.” Unfortunately, and often, people wait until something bad happens in their life that helps them see the big picture and realign with their own personal hopes, dreams, or even calling.

    Cultivating Purpose Step 1: Reflect on What You Want

    Rather than wait for bad things to happen, why not start reflecting on this today? Sit in a quiet, meditative space or partner with a good friend. Ask yourself: What is important to me? What makes me feel like I’m successful or living a “balanced” life?

    Is the slow food movement important to you and your lifestyle? Maybe it’s about teaching your children to be mindful. These are all modes of creative expression; creativity isn’t just about art.

    Somewhere, at some point, our culture has become hell-bent on achievement. It’s about outcomes that include white picket fences, degrees from prestigious institutions, and a bottom dollar.

    This is why countless high school students have told me they can’t take an art class, or their favorite creative writing class, or insert your creative interest here. The achievement, the honors, and keeping up with outside notions of success are more important than what our heart calls us to do.

    Once the day of my surgery came I felt free; there was no more waiting and wondering. Thankfully, my surgery went well—no cancer, no blindness, no hormone therapy. I returned to work as an art teacher and kept thinking about those paintings. Something had shifted in me.

    An opportunity to enter my work for a young artist award fell into my lap shortly thereafter. I jumped at the chance to have my art be part of it.

    I entered those paintings into a competition with VSA arts and won a money award for being a finalist. My work toured the USA for two years and included exhibition at the Smithsonian and the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts.

    I knew all along I wanted to be an artist, that making art and teaching art would fill me up. But I battled with accepting that part of myself for years. It took adversity for me to advance to the next level of my work and life. It took adversity for me to take action.

    Cultivating Purpose Step 2: Make Different Choices

    Don’t wait for bad things to happen to do the things you love. Write down one thing you’d love to experience or explore. What are three tasks you can take this week to help you realize it?

    Make a public announcement about your goal to someone or a group of people who can hold you accountable. Creating external urgency can be a great motivator to start working toward the things you love.

    I spoke with a cancer survivor about my painting experience, and he articulated something I had felt but didn’t know how to put into words: When you know you have a strong chance of dying and the last thing you might ever do fits into the two days before you, you make different choices.

    Too many voices about how I should make art and if I should make art at all had clouded my mind. But in the days before my surgery those voices were silent. Who cared if it didn’t hold to anyone’s standards? There was no one to impress anymore. I was painting for me.

    My friend said he created his best art while he fought cancer. It opened this door that freed him of expectation, external pressures—those “shoulds.” He’s found the trick since that time to be: How do we cultivate and keep that perspective now that we’ve survived?

    My life ebbs and flows with my ability to treat life preciously. I know I’m lucky to be here but it’s easy in the ruckus of everyday life to lose sight of our limited time. Familial pressure, work, myriad circumstances can make us lose sight of what we feel called to do with our time.

    Cultivating Purpose Step 3: Stay Connected to Your Inner Guide

    I’ve found a way to help me check back in and harness that powerful inner guide. Every night I journal and I write down six things to focus on in my next day. (It’s called the Ivy Lee Method). I always include a task directly related to my personal interests, and I place this as my first priority.

    Secondly, I do that work in the first part of my day. For me this can mean dedicating twenty minutes to a morning yoga practice or even just fifteen minutes to my art. My mind is open and receptive in the morning. The day’s obligations have yet to cloud my mind or heart. I’m open to possibility and to learning. And my spirit feels honored.

    Making room for our sometimes secret, creative interests can change our lives.

    We don’t need permission from anyone to dive into those hopes and dreams we’ve had since children. To be human is to be creative. Creativity isn’t just about art. Creativity includes the contributions we give the world when we set out to do what our hearts call out for us to explore.

    There is a shift happening in society. We are beginning to recognize and celebrate the importance of mindfulness, of listening to our heart, our body, our mind. People are slowly feeling license to express their true selves. But we are only at the beginning.

    I had to wait until a life threatening health problem before I could fully own my artistic voice. But once I did own my voice, I had work recognized by VSA Arts and exhibited at the Smithsonian. What could I have accomplished if I started painting “for me” sooner?

    What could you accomplish today if you practice being present and truly listen to that inner voice of guidance and support?

    We treat life like a race, but I wonder, what exactly are we racing toward? What could you accomplish if you didn’t wait for your dreams, but you decided to start right now, today?

  • Declutter & Destress: How to “Live Tiny” in Your Not-Tiny House

    Declutter & Destress: How to “Live Tiny” in Your Not-Tiny House

    “Not what we have but what we enjoy constitutes our abundance.” ~John Petit-Senn

    I love the tiny house movement because it embraces simple living and diminishes the spiritual and financial burdens of materialism. However, I don’t really want to trade in the 1,700 square foot house I love for something that’s 200 square feet!

    If you’re like me, you may have felt the same pleasure watching shows like Tiny House Nation, but not known how to apply the ideas they present to life in your larger house.

    Well, I’ve found you really can “live tiny” in a not-so-literal way, and reap some of those tiny-living benefits in your bigger home!

    Step 1: The ruthless pare-down

    First of all, no one transitions to tiny living without trimming down the stuff they possess. I decided I didn’t need a living space reduction to inspire me to undertake an extreme pare-down.

    I commenced systematically sorting through everything in my seemingly uncluttered and organized home. (Those qualities were really only on the surface.) I didn’t give a pass to spaces that never got assessed because they seemed fine as-is. I went through my house thoroughly, basement, garage, and gardens included—no drawer, cardboard carton, or crawl space was exempt.

    A tiny-living-style purge requires something stricter than the usual “have I used it in the last year?” rule applied with frequent exceptions. For example, of course I hadn’t used my high school prom dress in the last year, but it always got spared in pare-downs due to sentimental value. This time I put the dress on, took a picture, and said goodbye to it.

    Here’s a tip regarding clothing reduction: You can easily see how often you use items in your closet by turning hangers to point to the front rather than the back when you wear something. If you find a long time goes by with many pieces on unturned hangers, you’ll see what a small sacrifice it would be to donate them to the needy.

    Now don’t be fearful as you purge! This process isn’t nearly the challenge tiny living requires. You have the leeway to take into account how your belongings contribute to your individual quality of life.

    Most people have glassware or coffee mugs gathering dust, making them perfect candidates for chucking. Me, I kept a few of every kind of bar glass imaginable—because mixology is one of my passions and I actually use them. But I gave away the eighteen duplicate tools we had between our upstairs tool drawer and our basement tool chest—because you don’t need two drills to be a home handywoman.

    The key is simple: As you evaluate each item, ask yourself, Can I have an excellent quality of life without this?

    Step 2: Don’t buy new when you can enjoy the old

    So, you’ve completed your purge and feel a great weight lifted from your soul. Now the task is to keep things that way! Again, look to the example of the tiny house lifestyle.

    I used to love finding a way to justify buying something new—don’t we all? Well, tiny house dwellers don’t have room to expand, so they think twice before making new purchases. And if you do that too, here’s what happens: First, you save a ton of money. Second, you keep your possessions level down. And third, you discover just how great the stuff is that you already have!

    Do you even fully know what you already have? I thought I did, but no. I found clothes, décor items, hobby supplies, dishes, etc. that I had forgotten completely but saw had real value. So now I use them! Odds are you too have a ton of possessions that could be a joy to rediscover and use, and it costs nothing.

    So, maybe the workhorse old mixer you own isn’t as exciting as a new Kitchenaid, but the money you save by living with it could pay for a month of groceries, a weekend getaway, or fifty eBooks. And why not revert yourself to the wise lifestyle of your grandparents? Mend and repair whenever you can!

    In those moments when you used to think, “Oh goody, we could use a new one of these!” ask yourself, Can I have an excellent quality of life without replacing this?

    Step 3: One in, one out

    So maybe you really do need that new item. You can still adopt the “one in, one out” principle employed by tiny homeowners. They literally have no choice but to make room for new items by removing the old, and that’s the way they keep their belongings at a steady level.

    You can discipline yourself to do the same, by finding an unnecessary item to “open a berth” for something new. This is something I’ve traditionally done right before the holidays, to make space for incoming gifts. Even better to apply the principle all the time; you’ll never have to do an extreme pare-down again!

    When you bring in the new purchase ask yourself, What can I spare to open up the space for this—who might make far better use of that item than I?

    Step 4: Maximize your space

    Tiny house dwellers have to get absolutely everything they can out of every square foot of space. They find hidden storage under beds and on the ceiling, and they have brilliantly clever furniture that does double duty as couch/bed or dining table/desk, etc.

    Take a good look around your house and make sure you are using all the space you own. (You may even find this inspires you to move to a smaller house!) Your purging could free up a closet that could become a modular home office space. A kitchen can double as a crafting room—I have my crafting materials in rolling storage that I can bring into the kitchen, and the table folds out into a larger size for claying or painting.

    One excellent way to gain storage space is by reducing your inventory of books. Keep a small library of special volumes to cherish, of course. Then consider collecting eBooks instead, which take up no physical space at all. Love to read books on paper? They are free at your local library! Or take a tip from Tiny Buddha founder Lori: buy used books and sell them back to the store later (one in, one out).

    If you’re short on closet space, look to the challenges met by tiny homeowners. Use an old trunk as a coffee table, under-bed boxes for clothing, and shelving added to vertical spaces. You don’t need to move to a larger home in order to have the space to meet your needs.

    Ask yourself, in HGTV parlance, How can I Love It rather than List It?

    Step 5: Discover the zen in being minimized and organized

    Living tiny in your big house isn’t just about reducing expense and consumption. You’ll be amazed at how following tiny house principles enhances your relationship with your belongings.

    Here’s a lesson from our cat toys. Previously we had cat toys in two drawers, two baskets, and four closets—they are now purged, mended, and organized. Now it’s easy to put away stray toys, I know where our stock of new ones is, and I’m not tempted to buy more. And better than that: I’m also more inspired to play with the cats!

    In other words, I’m more in tune with my home and all who dwell within it. With distractions reduced, I am more mindful of my environment and how I interact with it. Meanwhile, I don’t miss out on what I already own, and get more enjoyment out of my belongings.

    For example, I created a meditation corner with objects incorporating the feng shui elements. I found nearly everything I needed among my current stuff (I did treat myself to a Himalayan salt lamp). Not only do I now have this inspiring, Zen space, but things that were previously hidden away now have a purpose.

    Every day or so, find something in your house you haven’t engaged with in a while. Ask yourself gratefully, What is it about this that I really love—and how can I enjoy it even more?

    No pain, all gain

    If you’re like me and find the tiny house movement really inspiring, the reasons why are clear. Tiny is a great way to live! And in a bigger home, applying these ideas to your lifestyle is all upside. You won’t sacrifice necessary items, space, or privacy. All you give up are things like this:

    • Not knowing what you own or where it is
    • The stress of clutter and crowding
    • Not making full use of your stuff and your space
    • Unnecessary consumption and expense

    And you gain things like this:

    • Sharing your abundance by giving away what you don’t need
    • Gratitude for and appreciation of your possessions
    • More complete utilization of what you already have
    • Increased peace and serenity

    So join me in discovering the wonderful aspects of tiny living that we bigger home-dwellers can enjoy. Think tiny…and live large and well!

  • Set Yourself Free: 5 Things You Gain When You Forgive

    Set Yourself Free: 5 Things You Gain When You Forgive

    “When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” ~Catherine Ponder

    Somewhere in the middle of my freshman year of college, my best friend from high school broke up with me. Out of nowhere, she just stopped talking to me. I tried relentlessly to reconnect, but she stopped responding and never gave me an answer why.

    For years it was the most painful heartbreak I had going in my life. It’s still what I consider my worst breakup. And it haunted me until I decided to forgive her.

    Forgiveness sounded ludicrous to me at first, but eventually, the pain of carrying the grudge seemed like it might be worse than the pain of setting it down.

    I heard a number of people in my life, including one of my yoga teachers, talk about the power of forgiveness. While I didn’t get there right away, I started to marinate on the idea of forgiving my former friend.

    I became curious about what acceptance and non-attachment could look like with someone who had really hurt me. It took months after deciding that I wanted to forgive. Until one night, I was ready.

    I drafted the email, did a small amount of Internet stalking, and sent it. I apologized for my role in the breakdown of our friendship, offered my forgiveness, and wished her well. I gave her the best last gift I could: to set my grudge down.

    What surprised me was what I gained in the process.

    1. Space and quiet 

    Forgiving gives us the space and quiet to invest in new people and nourishing ideas.

    Once I let go, I stopped spinning the story in my mind over and over. My mind simply didn’t need to keep hanging on to the old narrative any more. It had space to cover new ground rather than rehashing yesterday’s news.

    2. Self-compassion 

    When I forgave my friend, I was also able to forgive myself for some past mistakes. Forgiveness requires practice, like anything else. It’s like developing a new muscle.

    If I could let go of my greatest hurt, I could surely offer that same reprieve to myself. I’m now gentler with myself when I make mistakes. I know that offering myself compassion and then moving on from the situation is not only possible but much more loving.

    3. Trust in others

    I don’t see friendship through the same lens any more. I have more faith in the people in my life and understand that while friendships end, it’s not the end of the world. I live in my relationships more presently.

    I don’t waste an opportunity to tell the people in my life what they mean to me. I trust in my friends. It took me a long time to get there, but forgiveness gave me back that capacity to trust in the people around me. By letting go of bitterness and cynicism, you too will be better able to trust in others again.

    4. Perspective 

    When I created the conditions for forgiveness and resolution, I was able to see our relationship clearly. I could also see the places where I was responsible and can now address those tendencies.

    I also could see that the hurt was a relatively small part of our relationship. Most of it was filled with laughter, and being able to see that has been very healing. Forgiveness allows us to appreciate the good, without the lens of resentment over it.

    5. Gratitude 

    I’m personally thankful for the memories and what I learned through that friendship. I’m grateful that I had this experience and for all the joy that our friendship brought me. I’ve grown a lot, and that wouldn’t have been possible without the process I’ve been through.

    Forgiveness polished the hurt off my heart, and now all that’s left is gratitude. I also appreciate the preciousness of my new friendships and make a greater effort to actively nurture them.

    We always gain something, even if it’s not immediately obvious. Forgiveness gives us the opportunity to recognize and appreciate that.

    —

    Forgiveness is a delicate thing, and very personal. I would never argue that you should forgive someone. But, if you are interested in exploring what forgiveness might mean in your circumstance, I invite you to get quiet first.

    Cultivate a little bit of compassion for yourself, foremost, and meet this undertaking with curiosity (rather than an outcome in mind). What could that forgiveness look like? What might pave the way for forgiveness to be possible?

    Before you can forgive others, you may need to forgive yourself for past hurts you’ve inflicted. Forgiveness is really a gift that you’re giving yourself; it’s not about absolution for the other person or excusing anything.

    Ultimately, forgiveness takes a lot of non-attachment: to the initial incident, to anger, and to a desired response to this forgiveness. You may not get the answer or outcome you’re looking for, and that’s okay. The process (and it can be a long process) and the act of forgiveness are what matter here.

    While I never heard back from this former friend, that felt surprisingly okay. I wasn’t attached to an outcome; I just wanted to stop carrying the load. So I did, and that was that.

    Not having to carry that grudge has been a huge gift to me. I’ve learned so much about myself that I would never have otherwise—like knowing that I have the courage to forgive and see what’s on the other side. And that I get to choose to be free. You can too.

  • Healing Is a Journey, Not a Destination (and You’re Not Broken)

    Healing Is a Journey, Not a Destination (and You’re Not Broken)

    Man on a Journey

    “Healing requires from us to stop struggling, but to enjoy life more and endure it less.” ~Darina Stoyanova

    At the age of twenty-seven I was diagnosed with interstitial cystitis, chronic inflammation of the bladder that causes UTI like symptoms. I am now twenty-nine and still experiencing symptoms, but I have improved greatly.

    I have spent that time searching for the answers to this medical enigma, for which doctors claim there is no cure. At first my research led me on a path of frustration and hopelessness, until I realized that my mindset was what was holding me back from healing.

    I then decided to change my expectation of healing from “I must be cured to be happy” to “I am enjoying my healing journey and look for happiness in any moment I can.”

    As a fellow chronic condition sufferer, I understand how overwhelming that statement can be. It is difficult to accept that we are in pain. However, just making that mindset a part of your routine will help open your mind to finding healing modalities that will work for you and help take the pressure off.

    Feeling like you need to find a cure is a lot of pressure to put on one person dealing with a chronic illness, and most people who develop these illnesses usually are characterized as perfectionists. I know I am.

    But what we don’t realize is that pressure is an obstacle to our healing. Acceptance is what will help us move forward in our healing journey.

    I will share with you what I have learned about healing through my countless hours exploring the Internet and personal experience. Here are five things I have taken away from my search:

    Be mindful of what you put in your body.

    I believe chronic illnesses are created when a perfect storm occurs in our bodies. When you pair emotional upset with a breach in your body’s immunity, you are vulnerable to that final straw that causes your body to go into attack mode.

    For me, I believe it was when I started a new birth control pill. With a history of chronic back pain, overuse of antibiotics, bad diet, unbelievable stress levels, and hormonal imbalances, the new birth control pill was the final straw that caused my body to attack my bladder and cause a vicious cycle that would lead me on my healing journey.

    There was a time when my life was consumed with searching the Internet for the magical answers to healing. It gave me a sense of control during a time when I felt like a helpless victim to my IC.

    But I realized this led to feeling completely overwhelmed by the large amount of contradictory information I found. For every article that said being paleo was the way to combat chronic illnesses, I found two more saying vegan was the only way.

    Everyone is different, and it is important to find the foods that work best for you, not to try to eat foods that fit into a box of a specific diet.

    I also find that when you start off being extremely restrictive with your diet it sets you up for failure. Starting slowly when introducing new ways of eating is the key to success. Don’t listen to every hot new diet trend, cleanse, or superfood out on the market no matter what kind of amazing results they boast.

    For me, plant-based diets free of processed foods and sugar make the most sense. Any other restrictions with food you decide to make should be based on your body. Use your common sense, and question doctors and healers about the pills and herbs they recommend. Not everyone has our best interests at heart or is well informed.

    You are not broken.

    When we deal with chronic illness we tend to blame ourselves, and it leaves us feeling broken and searching for a way to fix ourselves. We think if we could just handle the stress better or deal with our unresolved feelings, we would not have the illness to begin with.

    I have spent years reading self-help books hoping to find the secret to happiness. While self-help books often provide useful coping techniques and good advice, it infers that we need to be fixed in order to be happy. That is a belief that I feel to be limiting and self-sabotaging.

    Practicing self-acceptance of all parts of our self, including our health ailments, is more productive for our healing journey.

    That is not to say that we cannot try things to improve our self or change negative habits or thought patterns. But the more we try to hide or banish parts of yourself that you do not like, the more they will rear their ugly heads. You do not need to be healed of your chronic illness in order to deserve love and acceptance.

    Be your own advocate.

    Unfortunately, we can no longer take the word of every doctor when it comes to our health, medications, and foods we put into our bodies. It is important to educate yourself the best you can before deciding to take a new medication or try a new treatment.

    Weigh the pros and cons and make the best choice you can. Take the time to find a doctor who is best fit for your healing journey.

    Don’t let others make you feel like your illness is your fault.

    Chronic illnesses for which it’s difficult to identify the cause can be difficult for people to accept because the thought of having an illness that we cannot predict or fix is scary, even if you do not have the illness yourself.

    This causes people to just blame the sufferer because they are frustrated themselves that their loved ones are not getting better.

    No one understands your battle better than you. Do not take it personally when someone makes an ignorant comment.

    Those comments come from a place of fear inside themselves. It is still important to take accountability for your health and make the best choices possible, but sometimes we develop illness even when we are doing our best.

    Some of the answers to healing are already inside you.

    Everyone has some sort of healing power inside them. Do not underestimate your body’s ability to heal given the right circumstances. It may be only one piece of your puzzle, but it’s there.

    Society teaches us that all we have to do is take a pill and we’ll feel better. This way of thinking takes the power away from us and keeps us in the victim role.

    Medications and herbs can be helpful and an important key to your healing, but they are not the be-all and end-all. The mental component to healing is just as important as whatever we choose to put inside our bodies to promote healing.

    Let go of what doesn’t serve you. Meditating, yoga, and practicing gratitude will help you connect to your inner self and prepare your mind and body for healing.

    —

    Your healing journey may be different from mine, and some of this information you may not agree with. You may also not be in a place where you are willing to change. That is fine. I am still learning new things about what is best for my health every day.

    Honor where you are now and know that every day is a new opportunity to take care of you one small step at a time. Happy healing!

    Man on a journey image via Shutterstock

  • How to Stop Beating Yourself Up Over the Little Things

    How to Stop Beating Yourself Up Over the Little Things

    Woman in a Cage

    “You are perfect just as you are and you could use a little improvement.” ~Shunryu Suzuki-roshi

    A few weeks ago, I had a day that I felt like an utter failure.

    I had eaten junk food even though I was trying to get healthy. I’d skipped out on going to the gym for no good reason. I forgot to call my parents even though I promised them I would. I didn’t meet my daily writing goals and ended up watching two movies I’d already seen.

    In other words, I slid into a lot of bad habits all at once.

    I think we all know the feeling you get after a day like that.

    I was spinning out of control, losing hold on everything I’d managed to build so carefully over so many months.

    My grip on order felt slippery at best, like trying to catch a determined fish with your bare hands. I remember sitting down on the floor and just crying, full of the shame that comes with letting yourself down.

    The worst part? It was the third day in a row I’d felt this way. It was the third in a series of days in which I’d gone to bed feeling like my life was falling apart on my watch.

    I felt like the ultimate letdown, consistently messing up something that I knew was in my control. It was my life! Why was I having so much trouble getting a handle on it?

    Then I remembered someone long ago who had said to me, “You are perfect just as you are, but you are still growing.”

    I don’t remember who said that or in what context this little olive branch was offered to my soul, but like all integral memories, it surfaced at just the right time. I got off the floor, brushed myself off, and said, “I’ll do better tomorrow.”

    And I did.

    As a writer, I let myself down all the time. I don’t reach my word quota. I watch too much TV when I should be working. I forget my house chores, the gym, the cat. I eat badly because I’m eager to get back to work, or I take a long lunch to procrastinate something important.

    But even before I was writing, back when I was in the medical field, I remember that there wasn’t a day that passed where I wouldn’t let myself down in some small way. Forgot to take out the trash. Said something thoughtless or rude. Ate more than my fill.

    This wormhole is a tempting one to enter, the I’m-not-good-enough black spiral of thoughts that can suck you in forever. Your brain is always happy to supply an infinite list of reasons that you’re not good enough, smart enough, loving enough, witty enough, pretty enough, and so on.

    And if you feed that cycle, fixating on all the tiny ways you failed, then it comes back. You condition your brain to think that you want those thoughts, so it offers more of them.

    Trust me, I’ve been there.

    What if we all forgave ourselves for the little failures? What if we let go of the tiny mishaps that happen in a day and focus instead on what went well? What if we released the shame and pain of all the ways we didn’t measure up and allowed ourselves to relish in everything we already are?

    It’s an old argument, but it bears repeating because it’s a practice that must be rehearsed every day. I know I’m human. I know I’ll fail. I’m not perfect, and that’s part of the beauty of life. I am perfectly imperfect, an exquisite human specimen who’s doing the best with what she’s got.

    However, accepting that doesn’t mean we are allowed to stagnate, because we are still improving. We can fail today and aim to do better tomorrow.

    We need not feel ashamed or inferior because of slip-ups. All we need to feel is normal, accepting the challenges of a life on this Earth with patience and grace.

    Taking it one day at a time, we can always do better tomorrow.

    I started focusing on this practice after my meltdown week. Ever since then, I’ve tried focusing on doing the best that I can on a given day.

    I give every task my all, give all my love to my friends and family, pour all my energy into whatever I’m doing. And I don’t (or at least try not to) focus on how I fall short. I do the best that I can that day, and when I feel like it didn’t bring me as close to my goal as I wanted it to, I simply say “I’ll do better tomorrow.”

    Because that’s all I can do.

    In this bustling, high-speed country, I think we all strive for our slice of perfection. We fight for the perfect body, marriage, home, kids, job, etc. without any real idea of what that fight is doing to our psyche.

    What’s the point in pursuing perfection if we don’t get to enjoy the journey there? And the shame we gather in not reaching the ludicrously unattainable goals we set for ourselves dulls the bright colors of our life.

    This toxic feeling of inadequacy is a poison that will ruin the pleasure of striving for a goal. Not only that, shame will make the pursuit of a goal that much more difficult. Negative reinforcement and mentally beating yourself up will halt any progress in its tracks, and that will only push the spiral deeper.

    Fight this venom before it ruins your days.

    Self-forgiveness and acceptance are the counter-wind to that inner tornado.

    Allowing yourself to be human, perfect as you are, enough will bring you far more joy than focusing on all the ways you are insufficient.

    Don’t be ashamed of what you’re not, be joyful in what you are! You are a human being, struggling to be better, but whole and perfect in this moment.

    And we’re all right there with you.

    Woman in a cage image via Shutterstock

  • Why It’s Okay to Be Right Where You Are in Life

    Why It’s Okay to Be Right Where You Are in Life

    “Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.” ~Arthur Ashe

    Whenever I go see my Rolfer Jennie, I look forward to the wisdom she shares with me. As a Rolfer and Bodyworker of twenty-five years and an expert in the mind-body connection, she has it by the bucket-load.

    Recently, upon visiting her, I fell into my old familiar trap of wanting to be ‘fixed’ or perhaps wanting her to have a simple answer for me with regards to some tension in my inner leg that had been progressing (even though I’m fully aware things are never simple with the structural scoliosis in my body).

    So as we began working, and she pinpointed several things that were going on, I said with a sigh, “I’m just going to have to continually bring my attention to different areas, aren’t I? My spine is never going to just be pain-free or without other problems cropping up that are connected to it?”

    And she replied with the crystal-clear clarity that Jennie always does.

    “Darling, you start with where you are. You always start with where you are and work from there no matter what stage you’re at or how much work you’ve already done.”

    And this really couldn’t be truer, not only for our health, fitness, and what’s going on in our bodies, but for everything else in our lives as well.

    You see, for many years now I’ve been doing a lot of work on my body, on myself, and on building businesses, and although a fascinating journey, at times it’s not easy.

    There’s always a temptation to want to be further along the road than we already are, to have it all figured out, be stronger, more balanced, ‘fixed,’ and have everything feeling amazing.

    And we can sometimes tell ourselves that when we reach a goal we’ve set, or we finally get something we’ve wanted for a while, that we’ll be ‘sorted’ or happy or things will perhaps seem easier.

    But we’re forgetting that every time we shift, every time we unwind, and every time we strengthen and then let go of something, there is always something new that will require our attention, because we’re never ‘done.’

    There is always a new area that needs our energy and nourishment. And there is always a new layer to educate ourselves on underneath every layer of ourselves that we have already shed.

    And this is what Jennie and I discovered in my body. We’d realized that some work we’d done together to open my spine and neck had been hugely transformative. But as my body had adjusted to the new pattern (which is pretty awesome on its own), because I’m not naturally perfectly straight and balanced, a new imbalance had occurred in my leg, and my body had found a new way to compensate in the only way it knew how.

    I could have viewed that as an annoyance (don’t get me wrong, at times I do get angry with my body and the way I was born, and at first I did). But then I realized that instead, I could decide to view it as a new challenge and a new interesting layer to work with and unwind, and get curious about what I could learn from it.

    The point here is that we can’t rush change.

    Meaningful, lasting change to our development, to our patterns, to our beliefs, our bodies, and to our lives cannot be rushed. 

    Because no good thing, no amazing thing worth doing, was ever created in some slap dash kind of a way.

    When we try to rush life and try to get to the ‘finish line,’ when we try and force ourselves to do something new in a way that doesn’t feel fully aligned for us (much less forgetting to celebrate how far we’ve already come), what usually happens is that it simply doesn’t stick.

    It’s like when we throw ourselves into a new exercise routine that requires us to suddenly get up two hours earlier every day. The results are usually injury, exhaustion, or resentment because we’re doing it as a result of feeling we have to, in a way that doesn’t sit right with who we are, and we’re pushing ourselves too hard, too fast.

    We’ve got to work gradually on our deeper, more profound change.

    We’ve got to open ourselves up to working on things carefully, layer by layer.

    We’ve got to exercise more patience with ourselves.

    We’ve got to allow our truth and our message to evolve as we evolve and figure out what we need to serve us.

    And we’ve definitely got to acknowledge and celebrate how far we’ve come more frequently so that we can practice being kinder to ourselves along the way. 

    So can you let yourself off the hook here and just be okay with starting where you are at right now?

    Having got to somewhere you wanted to be doesn’t necessarily mean there won’t be more new challenges ahead, but neither does it mean you have to start all over again; you’re just starting from a new place.

    We’re never ‘done,’ we’re never finished, and for the things we really love and are passionate about, why would we want to be?

    So how about getting excited about that instead of frustrated?

    How about welcoming it in with fondness and anticipation instead of impatience?

    And what would it feel like to just be okay with being where you are right now while knowing that you’re doing your best, you’re moving forward, and you’re more than equipped and ready for what’s next?

  • How To Shine Your Own Light and Let Go of Envy

    How To Shine Your Own Light and Let Go of Envy

    Woman Standing on the Moon

    “As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence actually liberates others.” ~Marianne Williamson

    “Look at her, who does she think she is?”

    “He’s so full of himself. He’s so big headed”

    Have you ever heard these types of expressions being used? Have you said them yourself?

    I have.

    Or at least I used to. I was taught to believe that people who shine their light were showing off. That they were brazen and big headed. But what does being full of yourself actually mean? Seriously, what does it mean?

    Is it being cocky or could it simply be having confidence in who you are? Is it being arrogant or might it just be saying no to playing small?

    Plainly put, being full of yourself is to be brimming over with who you are. How utterly amazing is that? To be full of who you are. Not empty. Not lacking. Full.

    Why do we believe that celebrating our greatness is something to be scorned?

    We worry that if we let all of our colors blaze brightly, we’ll be perceived as being “too much.” We end up trying to throw shade on our most vibrant parts in order to blend in.

    Are we supposed to walk some kind of middle line in life? Between shine and shame?

    When we purposely set out to dilute who we are, we are denying ourselves our birthright to live in full bloom. Full expression.

    When do we ever walk through a garden of gorgeous flowers and wish that they were less vibrant? Less alive? We don’t. We marvel at their utter beauty and proud glory. We don’t ask them to diminish their splendor. We simply ask them to be all that they are.

    If we place ourselves in the shadows then we not only prevent our true light from radiating out, but we’re also left feeling envious of those that are basking in their own fabulous glow. 

    I used to look longingly at other people who I’d see exuding sparkly confidence. I’d yearn to have their self-assuredness and be able to live out loud without apology.

    It wasn’t until I stopped wistfully wanting what I thought I lacked, and started focusing on what I was already rich with, that everything changed.

    I said no to seeking approval. I said no to coveting the lives of others. I said yes to being me.

    My life transformed when I stepped onto the stage of my own life, rather than hiding in the wings watching someone else’s performance. Every step I’ve taken since has gifted me farther toward empowerment and farther away from self-doubt.

    Do you secretly envy somebody else’s life? Do you spend hours obsessing about how amazing they appear to be? What if you took some of that energy and invested it into your most precious stock? Yourself. 

    Try this simple visualization exercise to get you back on point.

    Imagine yourself sitting in front of a mirror illuminated with light bulbs, the ones you see in the dressing rooms that film stars use. Your reflection in the mirror radiates love, happiness, and confidence. The lights are bright and beautiful. So are you. So amazingly beautiful.

    Remember this: every single time you waste energy wishing you had somebody else’s life, a light in your own life goes out. One of those bulbs dies. Your reflection loses a little bit of its sparkle. Those bulbs need your life force to keep shining. Why are you illuminating someone else’s reflection? Why are you giving your energy to their light bulbs?

    Light up your life. This is the one time you don’t need to be environmentally conscious! Burn those lights, baby! I’m talking Times Square bright. Because otherwise all those lights will lose their will to shine and you’ll be fumbling around in the dark trying to find a torch. And that’s not the look we’re going for here.

    So now you’ve got your own glow going here are a few other ways to keep the spark alive:

    1. Get creative.

    When we concentrate on our own passions it makes it much more difficult for our minds to stray and worry about what everyone else is doing.

    If you feel stuck in a rut and unsure of how to move forward, then getting immersed in a creative project can be an amazing way to shift any stagnant energy. Maybe you want to explore photography; perhaps sketching or sculpting appeal to you. Creativity is a wonderful tool for self-expression and can bring so much joy as well as clarity.

    2. Avoid too much toxicity.

    It can be hard to feel bright and beautiful when we’re in an environment that doesn’t feel supportive. Limit time with negative people and spend more time with those who champion you and believe in your abilities. We all need some encouragement from time to time.

    Take time to encourage others to shine their light, too—it inspires a domino effect which creates a global glow!

    3. Stay present, but look forward.

    In the yoga pose Warrior II, one hand reaches forward and the other hand extends back. The head (and mind) are centered.

    It’s such a wonderful symbol of past, present, and future. The back hand is the past—don’t look that way, you’re not going in that direction. Stay centered and keep your mind in the present, but focus your gaze on where you’re going: forward. Possibility lies ahead.

    —

    Shine your light like only you can. And don’t apologize for it. The world does not benefit from you living in the shadows. The world does not benefit from you wasting your energy on envy. And the world most certainly does not benefit from you living in shame and fear. It benefits from your incredible, colorful contribution.

    Your empowerment carriage awaits. It’s time to get in.

    Girl on the moon image via Shutterstock

  • How Using Your Hands Creatively Can Reduce Stress and Anxiety

    How Using Your Hands Creatively Can Reduce Stress and Anxiety

    Painting

    “Making something, even imperfectly is empowering because it’s an expression of the self.” ~Alton & Carrie Barron MD

    Do you ever suffer from stress or anxiety?

    If so, you’ve probably tried to find relief, but finding something that works for you can be quite hard. We all react differently to different remedies, and what works for one person may not be the best remedy for you.

    I used to suffer from stress and anxiety a lot. After trying lots of different remedies, I finally found relief in an activity I never considered would help.

    I was locked into a life dependent on templates for everything that wasn’t basic living. Without clear instructions, clear steps, and a clear understanding of the desired end, I couldn’t get myself to start a project, journey, or activity, no matter how big or small.

    At every seminar or webinar, I asked a million questions. I needed to know everything in excruciating detail. The thought of missing or misunderstanding something would send me into a panic.

    Just the thought of doing anything without knowing every step in advance caused me tremendous stress and anxiety. Even in something as innocuous sounding as in creating art.

    I always loved art. Art materials always made me salivate, but I never made the time for it because I didn’t know what to do with those gorgeous materials.

    Years ago when I was a kindergarten teacher, I used to love watching how the kids expressed themselves creatively in their art. It brought me so much joy that I eventually became an art teacher.

    This got me involved in reading any and every book on art and creativity I could find.

    How I First Heard of This Unlikely Cure for Anxiety and Stress

    Not until I started reading voraciously about all kinds of creative art for adults and how healing it was did I discover the connection between stress, anxiety, and using your hands to create.

    If I could bottle its effects, I would make a fortune.

    I read a wonderful book called Painting Your Way out of a Corner about the amazing meditative effects of different types of unplanned and improvisational art.

    Then I read The Creativity Cure by Alton and Carrie Barron, both doctors who talk about how healing creative hand use is, which is the act of using your hands along with your imagination to create something new.

    From those books, I learned that creative hand use that focuses on process rather than result can relieve anxiety and stress. I also learned that the creative activity couldn’t rely on following a template.

    Creative hand use is supposed to help you by expressing yourself. When you follow a template, you are not expressing yourself; you are expressing the person who designed the template.

    When we make something, even imperfectly, especially imperfectly, we are truly expressing ourselves, which is what helps us relieve our stress and anxiety. This is why art that focuses on the process as opposed to the product is so much better.

    According to the books, creative hand use, when done right, could relieve anxiety and stress in the following ways:

    You gain more self-awareness.

    Painting and doing art from imagination evokes thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that block us in normal day-to-day experience. It loosens up our thinking and leads to notice how we make decisions.

    Do we hide from our mistakes or try to cover them up? Can we let go and be responsive to the moment or do we need stay in control? Are we scared of making a mess, looking silly, not being good enough? All of these things come into play as we create without preconceived ideas and embrace the results.

    Once you have this new awareness, you can use it to make better choices and be more effective. This will help clear up your anxieties thus making you happier and less stressed.

    You become more resilient.

    As you create, you might find that sometimes you try something that doesn’t work out quite as you thought it would. You learn to accept this and simply continue with the process. You continue and try to make the best of what you’ve got. After a while, you’ll notice that when things in your life don’t go as planned or when you’ve made a mistake, you can more quickly recover and move on.

    You become more confident in your decisions.

    By valuing the process of what you are doing, you learn how you make decisions. Simple projects need many small decisions that lead to larger ones. As you make decisions and notice that you can deal with any of their outcomes, you begin to have less anxiety and more confidence in your decision-making.

    You experience peace of mind, tranquility, and sense of well-being.

    Certain types of creative work put you into a meditative state as you focus on what you are doing by being strictly in the moment. This will also give you all the benefits that meditation promises, like peace of mind, tranquility, and a sense of well-being that leads to a less stressful life.

    So Did Creative Hand Use Heal My Stress and Anxiety?

    I had to see for myself if it was true.

    I chose mixed media as my creative activity because it seemed to fit the criteria the best; you need no skill or template to do it. It uses a combination of painting, doodling, pasting, stamping, and stenciling, and there is no wrong way to do any of it.

    Creating without some guidelines can lead to chaos and anxiety, so to begin, I gathered the most exciting project ideas that I found from all of my notes, bought some materials, and then started a small class in mixed media art with some neighbors.

    As we started, I quickly realized that I needed everything to be perfect even before we got started. I needed to check my materials and my notes to see if we had everything I might need; just beginning was quite a hurdle for me to overcome.

    When I began, a refrain would run through my mind, “It’s not perfect, but it doesn’t have to be,” over and over again as I struggled with things not being exact.

    Only as I continued with the art did my anxieties start to resolve over time.

    What a freeing, relaxing feeling.

    Over time, I also noticed I had fewer problems with my stress and anxieties in everyday life. I noticed I could start projects earlier without obsessing over every little detail. I found that I wasn’t as anxious in the face of big decisions. I discovered that, in general, I felt more calm, relaxed, and at ease.

    Get Rid of Your Stress and Anxiety Once and for All

    Just because I chose mixed media art to be my art vehicle does not mean that you cannot get the same benefits with other forms of creative hand use as well.

    Unplanned watercolor painting (as discussed in the book Painting Your Way Out of a Corner), sculpting, or clay work can give you the same benefits.

    If art is not your thing, then other types of creative hand use are available such as gardening, crocheting, knitting, woodworking, or even cooking.

    You will express yourself, and you will become more self-reliant, productive, stress-free, and happier as you get absorbed in something greater than yourself—your creative handiwork.

    The important thing is to choose one of these creative activities that you feel drawn to and then to make serious time for it.

    Once you get hooked, you won’t know how you handled your stress before you got creative.

    And a wonderful new world will open before you.

    Painting image via Shutterstock

  • Take Your Power Back: How to Release Fear and Trauma

    Take Your Power Back: How to Release Fear and Trauma

    TRIGGER WARNING: This post deals with an account of physical and emotional abuse and may be triggering to some people.

    “I say I am stronger than fear.” ~Malala Yousafzai

    “Don’t be scared.” It’s so easy to say, yet sometimes, for many of us, so hard to accomplish.

    When I was about three or four years old, my dad locked me in the chicken coop in our back yard. This was a punishment. I was naked and screaming, literally jumping up and down with terror.

    Another punishment consisted of my mother rubbing human waste in my face.

    There are other things they did, other things I went through, but I’ll let those two examples stand as confirmation of the physical and emotional abuse I suffered as small child.

    Then when I was nineteen, some friends and I were physically assaulted by another group of young men. No reason, no motive. We were ganged up on one at a time and not a single one of us managed any sort of self-defense.

    The police told us “not to bother” pressing charges, so we didn’t. Those guys went home free and clear, but a few months later, I unexpectedly found myself almost convulsing on my bedroom floor, unable to breathe or move, absolutely terrified that the next time I left my house, I would die.

    It was quite the one-two combination for a kid (and as a dad now, I very much consider nineteen as still being a kid). The events of my childhood coupled with the events of that night left me a changed person for the rest of my life.

    Maybe you know what that feels like. Maybe something has happened to you that has impacted your day-to-day existence. Before we go any further, let me just say: I’m sorry. And I understand.

    Between the assault and the things done to me at home (and at school), I eventually was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and panic disorder.

    My entire life, I had uncontrollable fits of blind rage that led to the destruction of many things around the house—doors, toys, trees, furniture, concrete blocks . . . anything that was handy and would make a good CRASH! when I broke it.

    I would utterly lose control, punching myself and anything nearby. I would scream until I couldn’t speak, then spend three days isolated in my room hating the world and debating the merits of staying alive.

    Eventually I’d “snap out of it” and resume my normal life, but within a few weeks, the whole cycle would start all over again, trigged by something as innocuous as the garage door not opening all the way on the first press of a button.

    I couldn’t handle sudden loud noises; they’d scare me half to death and put in me in a bad mood the rest of the day. If I had a near collision while driving, my entire day would be ruined as the adrenalin pumped through me on a non-stop loop.

    The flip side of my outrageous anger was my paralyzing fear that arose after I was assaulted. I could not leave the house after sunset, and could only go to certain “safe” places during the day.

    I couldn’t walk to the end of my street in the middle of the day without shaking. I once ditched my own birthday party because it was at another person’s house and I couldn’t make myself get in the car to go there.

    I could go on. But if you have ever had an anxiety or panic attack, you know the feeling. And the frequency. Even as I write this, quite safe and secure, my heart is racing and my stomach clenching.

    I didn’t get a professional diagnosis until I was almost forty, and the reason I did not get that diagnosis is because I didn’t tell anyone what really happened. Then when the diagnosis came, I fought it. I argued it and resisted it.

    I didn’t feel I had earned PTSD. That was a disorder for war veterans and first-responders. I’m an author—my most dangerous work is done on a laptop at a coffee shop. And as for panic attacks, that just meant I was a wimp. (I used a different word, though.)

    Here’s what I want you to know, because I want you to have the best life you can. These are the things I wish I had known ten or twenty years ago.

    First, I had to name the trauma.

    I had been to a raft of professional therapists, counselors, pastors, and friends, and even a psychiatric hospital stay, trying to find a way out of my angry and fearful lifestyle. While many were helpful, none really helped me recover because I didn’t tell them the whole story.

    I kept the darkest parts of my past to myself, worried about how I would be perceived. But the more frequently I share my story now, the more validated I feel. It becomes more and more apparent that I’m not some kind of freak or aberration.

    These things really happened, and they really were that bad. Which brings me to the next thing you need to know:

    I had to accept that I did “earn” my diagnoses.

    We mustn’t fall into the trap of comparison. We mustn’t say to ourselves, “Oh, well, Frank was in direct-action combat/had alcoholic parents/got locked in a basement, he had it worse than me.”

    No. Frank’s life is Frank’s life. Your life is yours. PTSD and anxiety are not a human being’s natural state of being. Something bad happened to you, and that is not okay. It left a lasting, damaging impression.

    The only way to begin moving forward, to reclaim our lives, is to let the truth of our story exist in its own authentic way without comparing ourselves to others.

    Third, there is a difference between being scared and being afraid.

    Being scared is a natural and healthy response to danger. It’s healthy because it can keep you alive when your instincts tell you something is wrong. That’s the whole point of being scared.

    Scared is an adrenalin dump, preparing your body to fight, flee, or freeze. If you are scared, there’s probably a very good and sane reason for it.

    “Afraid” is something different. Afraid is how you do life. It’s how you process the world around you: family, friends, career, hobbies, pets . . . everything.

    The night I was attacked, I was scared. And that was perfectly natural. Every night thereafter, I was afraid.

    If you’re afraid, your mind automatically screens every single decision you make through the filter of fear. What happens if I take this job? Go on this date? Travel to this place? Panic sets in, often resulting in complete and total inaction. Afraid is a thief. It steals everything from us.

    Finally, and perhaps most difficult: You will have no forward motion in your life without forgiveness.

    Author and speaker Rob Bell says that to have really forgiven, we must truly wish the best for those who have hurt us. It’s not enough to say the words, even if it’s face-to-face (and face-to-face might make things worse; the person you’re forgiving may have no honest grasp that what they did was wrong).

    What matters is that we truly release them and want the best for their lives. That is how we can know we have forgiven them. When we can do that, their power over us and the power of fear begin to wane.

    It’s been many years since I had a real panic attack. I do still have the symptoms of PTSD from time to time; it’s not like chicken pox that will run its course and leave me with the antibodies to prevent it from roaring back.

    But I am much less angry than I used to be. I don’t break things anymore. I don’t lose minutes, hours, and days nursing my grudges, time that I could have spent with my wife, my son, my friends, or my job. I still jump at sudden, surprise loud noises. It still takes me a while to recover from a near-miss in traffic.

    But the people who hurt me no longer have power over me because I have forgiven them. I want the best for them. It took (and can take) a long time. But it’s essential to becoming whole, to no longer being afraid.

    Remember that forgiveness is not condoning or making excuses for the wrong. You may need to remove yourself from people who have a habit of hurting you. And that is all right. You do not deserve to be hurt. No one does.

    Don’t be afraid.

  • Letting Go of Attachment: From A to Zen

    Letting Go of Attachment: From A to Zen

    “Most of our troubles are due to our passionate desire for and attachment to things that we misapprehend as enduring entities.” ~Dalai Lama

    If there’s one thing we all have in common, it’s that we want to feel happy; and on the other side of that coin, we want to avoid hurting. Yet we consistently put ourselves in situations that set us up for pain.

    We pin our happiness to people, circumstances, and things and hold onto them for dear life. We stress about the possibility of losing them when something seems amiss. Then we often get stuck in grief when something changes—a lay off, a breakup, or a transfer.

    We attach to feelings as if they define us, and ironically, not just positive ones. If you’ve wallowed in regret or disappointment for years, it can seem safe and even comforting to suffer.

    In trying to hold on to what’s familiar, we limit our ability to experience joy in the present. A moment can’t possibly radiate fully when you’re suffocating it in fear.

    When you stop trying to grasp, own, and control the world around you, you give it the freedom to fulfill you without the power to destroy you. That’s why letting go is so important— letting go is letting happiness in.

    It’s no simple undertaking to let go of attachment—not a one-time decision, like pulling off a band-aid. Instead, it’s a day-to-day, moment-to-moment commitment that involves changing the way you experience and interact with everything you instinctively want to grasp.

    The best approach is to start simple, at the beginning, and work your way to Zen.

    Experiencing Without Attachment

    Accept the moment for what it is.

    Don’t try to turn it into yesterday; that moment’s gone. Don’t plot about how you can make the moment last forever. Just seep into the moment and enjoy it, because it will eventually pass. Nothing is permanent. Fighting that reality will only cause you pain.

    Believe now is enough.

    It’s true—tomorrow may not look the same as today, no matter how much you try to control it. A relationship might end. You might have to move. You’ll deal with those moments when they come. All you need right now is to appreciate and enjoy what you have. It’s enough.

    Call yourself out.

    Learn what it looks like to grasp at people, things, or circumstances so you can redirect your thoughts when they veer toward attachment—when you dwell on keeping, controlling, manipulating, or losing something instead of simply experiencing it.

    Define yourself in fluid terms.

    We are all constantly evolving and growing. Define yourself in terms that can withstand change. Defining yourself by possessions, roles, and relationships breeds attachment, because loss entails losing not just what you have, but also who you are.

    Enjoy now fully.

    No matter how much time you have in an experience or with someone you love, it will never feel like enough. So don’t think about it in terms of quantity; aim for quality instead. Attach to the idea of living well from moment to moment. That’s an attachment that can do you no harm.

    Letting Go of Attachment to People

    Friend yourself.

    It will be harder to let people go when necessary if you depend on them for your sense of worth. Believe you’re worthy whether someone else tells you or not. This way, you relate to people, not just how they make you feel about yourself.

    Go it alone sometimes.

    Take time to foster your own interests, ones that nothing and no one can take away. Don’t let them hinge on anyone or anything other than your values and passion.

    Hold lightly.

    This one isn’t just about releasing attachments; it’s also about maintaining healthy relationships. Contrary to romantic notions, you are not someone’s other half. You’re separate and whole. You can still hold someone to close to your heart; just remember, if you squeeze too tightly, you’ll both be suffocated.

    Interact with lots of people.

    If you limit yourself to one or two relationships, they will seem like your lifelines. Everyone needs people, and there are billions on the planet. Stay open to new connections. Accept the possibility your future involves a lot of love whether you cling to a select few people or not.

    Justify less.

    I can’t let him go—I’ll be miserable without him. I’d die if I lost her—she’s all that I have. These thoughts reinforce beliefs that are not fact, even if they feel like it. The only way to let go and feel less pain is to believe you’re strong enough to carry on if and when things change.

    Letting Go of Attachment to the Past

    Know you can’t change the past.

    Even if you think about over and over again. Even if you punish yourself. Even if you refuse to accept it. It’s done. The only way to relieve your pain about what happened is to give yourself relief. No one and nothing else can create peace in your head for you.

    Love instead of fearing.

    When you hold onto the past, it often has to do with fear—fear you messed up your chance at happiness, or fear you’ll never know such happiness again. Focus on what you love and you’ll create happiness instead of worrying about it.

    Make now count.

    Instead of thinking of what you did or didn’t do, the type of person you were or weren’t, do something worthwhile now. Be someone worthwhile now. Take a class. Join a group. Help someone who needs it. Make today so full and meaningful there’s no room to dwell on yesterday.

    Narrate calmly.

    How we experience the world is largely a result of how we internalize it. Instead of telling yourself dramatic stories about the past—how hurt you were or how hard it was—challenge your emotions and focus on lessons learned. That’s all you really need from yesterday.

    Open your mind.

    We often cling to things, situations, or people because we’re comfortable with them. We know how they’ll make us feel, whether it’s happy or safe. Consider that new things, situations, and people may affect you the same. The only way to find out is to let go of what’s come and gone.

    Letting Go of Attachment to Outcomes

    Practice letting things be.

    That doesn’t mean you can’t actively work to create a different tomorrow. It just means you make peace with the moment as it is, without worrying that something’s wrong with you or your life, and then operate from a place of acceptance.

    Question your attachment.

    If you’re attached to a specific outcome—a dream job or the perfect relationship—you may be indulging an illusion about some day when everything will be lined up for happiness. No moment will ever be worthier of your joy than now because that’s all there ever is.

    Release the need to know.

    Life entails uncertainty, no matter how strong your intention. Obsessing about tomorrow wastes your life because there will always be a tomorrow on the horizon. There are no guarantees about how it will play out. Just know it hinges on how well you live today.

    Serve your purpose now.

    You don’t need to have x-amount of money in the bank to live a meaningful life right now. Figure out what matters to you, and fill pockets of time indulging it. Audition for community theater. Volunteer with animals. Whatever you love, do it. Don’t wait—do it now.

    Teach others.

    It’s human nature to hope for things in the future. Even the most enlightened people fall into the habit from time to time. Remind yourself to stay open to possibilities by sharing the idea with other people. Blog about it. Talk about it. Tweet about it. Opening up helps keep you open.

    Letting Go of Attachment to Feelings

    Understand that pain is unavoidable.

    No matter how well you do everything on this list, or on your own short list for peace, you will lose things that matter and feel some level of pain. But it doesn’t have to be as bad as you think. As the saying goes, pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

    Vocalize your feelings.

    Feel them, acknowledge them, express them, and then let them naturally transform. Even if you want to dwell in anger, sadness, or frustration—especially if you feel like dwelling—save yourself the pain and commit to working through them.

    Write it down.

    Then toss it out. You won’t always have the opportunity to express your feelings to the people who inspired them. That doesn’t mean you need to swallow them. Write in a journal. Write a letter and burn it. Anything that helps you let go.

    Xie Xie.

    It means thank you in Chinese. Fully embrace your happy moments—love with abandon; be so passionate it’s contagious. If a darker moment follows, remember: It will teach you something, and soon enough you’ll be in another happy moment to appreciate. Everything is cyclical.

    Yield to peace.

    The ultimate desire is to feel happy and peaceful. Even if you think you want to stay angry, what you really want is to be at peace with what happened or will happen. It takes a conscious choice. Make it.

    Zen your now.

    Experience, appreciate, enjoy, and let go to welcome another experience.

    It won’t always be easy. Sometimes you’ll feel compelled to attach yourself physically and mentally to people and ideas—as if it gives you some sense of control or security. You may even strongly believe you’ll be happy if you struggle to hold onto what you have. That’s okay. It’s human nature.

    Just know you have the power to choose from moment to moment how you experience things you enjoy: with a sense of ownership, anxiety, and fear, or with a sense of freedom, peace, and love.

    The most important question: What do you choose right now?

    Jumping for joy image via Shutterstock

  • What Are You Practicing—Self-Judgment or Self-Compassion?

    What Are You Practicing—Self-Judgment or Self-Compassion?

    Woman with heart hands

    “You are what you practice most.” ~Richard Carlson

    “What are you practicing?” she asked in a gentle, lilting voice.

    The entire class was in triangle pose, and at that moment I was comparing my triangle to the young woman’s right next to mine, scolding myself for wobbling out of the pose and simultaneously harassing myself for not being “further along” in my career. (Because if you’re going to hate on yourself, my motto is GO BIG.)

    “Are you practicing judgment or comparison?” she tenderly probed.

    “WTF!” I thought. “Does this woman have a direct line to my brain?”

    “Are you practicing worry or blame?” she continued. “Perhaps you’re practicing patience and love. Notice what you’re practicing and know that you become what you practice. What you practice is what you live.”

    DAMN IT!

    I was three days into a five-day yoga retreat and I was far from blissed out. In fact, I had deftly managed to tie myself into a knot of comparison, self-doubt, judgment, confusion, shame, and embarrassment.

    With my inner critic having hijacked my brain I was a total wreck, and caught myself, more than once, crying through one of the two yoga classes I took each day.

    I should also mention I was pissed to be spending days of supposed relaxation and inner communion bumping up against every old demon that laid buried within me. Not a productive use of time, and if there’s anything I hate, it’s feeling unproductive.

    I had gone on the yoga retreat (my first ever, and a huge indulgence according to my inner critic) for a good dose of soul care. I was craving reconnection badly and knew an idyllic yoga retreat in the Berkshire mountains was just what I needed to come back to myself. Little did I expect that to get to that reconnection, I first had to wade through a number of stinky layers of self-perpetuated crap.

    And so there I was, wobbling in and out of triangle pose, in full blown comparison mode and hating on myself for not having written a book yet, for not being on SuperSoul Sunday, and for most certainly not being Zen during a yoga class.

    And then her soft words plucked me out of my maelstrom of negativity.

    “What are you practicing?”

    I took a breath.

    And then another, letting the fresh oxygen pulse through me.

    I took another, solidified my stance, stretched more deeply into the pose, and faced all I was practicing.

    I let the comparison and self-doubt wash over me. Let the judgment and shame flow. Let the embarrassment of this entire emotional debacle be there without feeling bad for feeling any of it.

    In the breath I found that I wasn’t practicing the negative feelings and old stories. I was experiencing them. What I was practicing in feeling them (without kicking myself for experiencing them) was compassion.

    I let the compassion grow, filling every edge of my body, and watched it morph. First into curiosity for my feelings, then acknowledgement for my pained state, and then into deep love for myself for finding kindness where there had originally only been gripped anger and a cold heart.

    What I found in the instructor’s question was this: I can experience any number of painful thoughts and feelings, and in approaching them with compassion, it’s compassion I’m practicing, not negativity.

    I wish I could tell you with that realization my struggle ended, my demons were forever released, and I quickly became the blissed out, wise yogini I had wanted to be at the start of my retreat.

    Not so much.

    It took another few days (and will probably take the rest of my life) to continually soften, to come back to the breath, and to remember to practice compassion.

    But what her question did do was loosen the knot.

    It created space to find compassion where there had originally been none. It sparked the sloughing off of old layers, the questioning of painful stories, and the unfurling of my most sacred knowing to allow me to reconnect with myself.

    “What are you practicing” is a brave question, as it often brings us face to face with the uncomfortable emotional space we’re in. And yet, it’s in letting ourselves ask the question and getting curious about it that a crack is made for compassion to squeeze through.

    The next time you catch yourself in a maelstrom of comparison, anger, self-doubt, worry, or judgment, take a breath and ask, “What am I practicing?” Be gentle with what comes up (no judging yourself for being judgmental) and notice if in embracing your experience with tenderness, compassion has a chance to blossom.

    Know this: It’s impossible to practice love and patience all the time. That kind of every-second-of-every-day bliss was not built into us humans. We suffer, and that’s okay.

    And when we can be compassionate with ourselves when we’re practicing things other than love, our heart softens, our grip loosens, and suddenly we have a greater access to the love we were seeking all along.

    Woman with heart hands image via Shutterstock

  • What the Bathroom Scales Are Not Telling You

    What the Bathroom Scales Are Not Telling You

    Feet on Scale

    “The only person who can pull me down is myself, and I’m not going to let myself pull me down anymore.” ~ C. JoyBell C.

    At a recent visit to the doctor’s office I had some routine checks done. Afterward, the doctor flipped through the findings and said, “Blood pressure, good. Pulse, good. Weight, okay.”

    He then continued talking about other things, but my mind was still on his previous words. “Weight, okay.”

    Why wasn’t my weight “good” like my pulse and blood pressure? 

    I had managed to completely skim over the fact that my vital signs were absolutely fine. I immediately fixated on the physical aspect—and added my own negative slant to it. 

    There is so much that is so deeply ingrained within us that even when we are self-assured, we still get caught off guard sometimes.

    A few weeks before the doctors appointment I’d gone shopping for a winter coat. I found one I liked, grabbed two sizes for comparison, and went through to the fitting room. One size was slightly too snug under the arms and the other gave me more freedom to move.

    But the better fitting coat had a label that read “large.” And I had a problem with it.

    I tried both coats on again, as though somehow expecting a different result. I told myself I was just making sure. Just being certain. Once again I determined that the larger size was a better fit. Except this time, I played it a little differently.

    Instead of just looking at my body shape and size in my reflection, I looked into my eyes. I reminded myself that I am a beautiful, empowered woman who does not permit herself to be restricted by limiting labels. Who does not measure her self-worth by numbers. 

    And off I went to the cash register smiling.

    Both experiences gave me a bit of a wobble, but I was also grateful for the opportunity to remind myself of what truly matters.

    It can be challenging at times to keep our confidence in tact, because even when we deflect the worst of what some of society (and almost all of the media) tries to throw at us, occasionally it finds a way through.

    Yes, I could be slimmer. I could say no to the glass of wine or the homemade fudge. I could. But—empowerment alert—I don’t want to.

    I choose my life. All of it. I choose the thoughts that I feed my mind and I choose the food that I feed my body. I strive to ensure that I’m in balance.

    There is a space between greed and deprivation and I (mostly) live there. Sometimes I wander. I’m okay with that. Because honestly, it’s better for me to visit both directions occasionally than to be hell-bent on staying firmly in the middle. 

    I follow a plant-based diet and I exercise every day. But I don’t want to be fixated on a so-called ideal (and unrealistic) image that doesn’t allow me to enjoy my life.

    Sometimes a little loss of control is good for the soul.

    Like many of us, I used to obsess about my weight. I would step onto the bathroom scales every single day and look to see if I could hit that magic number. Quite often I did. I also had a variety of hospital trips that unearthed low blood pressure, repeated urinary tract infections, and a brutal inner ear infection.

    And that’s why I went to the cash register with the large coat and a larger grin.

    The bathroom scales cannot tell me how much my contribution to this world counts. They cannot tell me the density of the passion I feel for what I do. They cannot tell me the value of my cherished relationships.

    What if we stopped measuring our waistlines and started measuring our magical moments? The ones where we laugh like lunatics with our friends. The ones where we look down and find our hand wrapped in someone else’s. The ones where we let ourselves get gorgeously lost in a book or a movie. The ones where we fill up on love and get dizzy drunk with happy. 

    Will you get to the end of your days thinking, “I’m so glad I spent all those years sucking in my stomach”?

    Or will you smile as remember how much you enjoyed creating precious memories?

    Will your final thoughts be that you wish your thighs had been slimmer or smoother?

    Or will you just be grateful that they carried you?

    Will you ponder on what everyone else thought of your life?

    Or will you just think “I’m glad I did it my own glorious way”?

    I may have the odd moment of self-doubt (aka being human) but there are many, many more moments where I remember that I’ve come a long way since being that younger, slimmer, unhappier, less confident girl.

    I’m now a woman with a wonderful weapon—an empowered mind. And believe me when I tell you, she doesn’t play small.

    Feet on scale image via Shutterstock

  • Is a Subconscious Money Taboo Holding You Back?

    Is a Subconscious Money Taboo Holding You Back?

    Money Taboo

    “The outer conditions of a person’s life will always be found to reflect their inner beliefs.” ~James Allen

    I was one of those who used to say, “Money isn’t taboo for me! Not in a million years!” That’s until I became aware of the knot in my stomach during a phone conversation with a potential business partner.

    I intended to explain how I award commissions for client referrals.

    “Well,” I said, “I offer a…gift to friends and colleagues who refer potential clients to me.”

    “A gift?” he asked on the other side of the line.

    “The gift is…uh…” My mind searched in vain for a synonym of “commission.” I cringed as the word left my mouth.

    I realized that wasn’t the first time I had felt my stomach clench during money-related conversations. I had experienced a similar feeling at the time to discuss my fees, or even at the time to bill current clients.

    That’s when it really hit me. I was uncomfortable talking about money.

    I was taught it was “bad manners” to ask people how much money they earned or how much they paid for something.

    When I was growing up, focusing on wealth or having a large fortune was also negatively seen. You might have been raised in a similar environment. “Filthy rich” is cliché for a reason…

    And this money taboo can cause big problems.

    Why? Because the result of the subconscious messages you’ve received about what is and isn’t socially unacceptable might be driving you away from the income you need to care for yourself and those around you.

    You might be subconsciously choosing to be underpaid for what you do.

    Unknowingly, you might be devaluing your contribution to the world, and by doing so, struggling to make ends meet. On top of that, the financial strain you experience might be preventing you from helping others as much as you would like to.

    Do you tend to:

    • Avoid talking about how much you charge until you absolutely have to?
    • Avoid revealing how much money you make?
    • Dread asking for a raise?

    If you can relate to any of those situations, it’s time for you to stop the subconscious money taboo. The five steps below helped me, and they might help you, too.

    Perform a value inventory.

    Money flows were value resides. It’s as simple as that. To feel that it’s okay for you to make money, you must feel that you’re delivering value.

    I felt a positive shift in my attitude toward money when I listed everything I do for those around me. The list also helped me realize I needed to make changes to some of my offerings so they would be more valuable.

    Starting today, create an inventory of the ways you contribute your skills and abilities to the world. Go beyond listing projects or services. Instead, ask yourself, “What results do I get for people? How is the planet a better place because of me?”

    If you conclude that you’re not delivering a lot of value, it’s time to change what you offer.

    You’ll be able to create massive value when you design a comprehensive solution to address a problem or meet a need.

    Assess your confidence level.

    Here is a question I always ask myself before I spend time and effort creating and selling new programs: “Would I buy this?”

    My answer must be yes before I start to work.

    Doubt is a clear sign that either your offer isn’t as good as it could be or you’re lacking self-confidence.

    Set aside some time to closely study your daily work. If you conclude that you deliver true value but still feel as though you wouldn’t pay for it, then you’ll know it’s time to do some inner work to quiet your negative inner voice.

    Any time a defeatist thought pops up in your mind, replace it with a thought that feels slightly better. For example, instead of saying, “I will never be able to pull this off,” proclaim, “I have a small chance to succeed.”

    This inner work might take some time. Be patient.

    It’s only when you feel confident about your contribution that you’ll be able to open the door to a higher income.

    Rehearse money conversations.

    One of the first public speaking tips that I learned in Toastmasters is, “Practice, practice, practice!” I decided to apply this tactic to master the skill of talking about money.

    Stand in front of the mirror and rehearse the conversation you would have with your manager or a customer. First, clearly state the value you deliver, and then communicate how much money you deserve for your contribution.

    The first few times you do this might feel uncomfortable or even silly. Keep going.

    In time, money conversations will become natural to you, and when people sense how natural the money talk feels to you, they will relax and be more willing to say yes to your proposal.

    Test money conversations.

    It’s time to test your new money conversation skills. Don’t lose hope if the first few times you ask for payment/more money aren’t perfect.

    I still felt slightly uncomfortable during my next commission conversation, but I got through it! This motivated me to continue testing and practicing.

    What matters most is that you learn from your mistakes. Make tweaks to your delivery until you see the results you desire.

    And remember, not everyone will say yes. You will be rejected, but you can turn rejections into useful feedback for the future.

    If possible, ask the people who rejected you what you could have done better. Ask what else you could offer to help them say yes, and take prompt action.

    Celebrate your success.

    If you focus on what you’ve done right, you’ll feel empowered to continue on your road to financial success.

    Share your accomplishments with close friends and family. Treat yourself to your favorite activity to celebrate.

    With the right focus and positive attitude, you’ll see how success builds upon success.

    And remember, the more value you deliver, the more money will be available to you, and the larger impact you will be able to make in the world.

    In the comments section below, tell me what kind of value you deliver to those around you. This is the first step to attract more money into your life so that you can take care of yourself and make a difference in the world.

    Money taboo image via Shutterstock

  • Why We Should Never Force Our Spiritual Beliefs on Other People

    Why We Should Never Force Our Spiritual Beliefs on Other People

    Monk Meditating

    “A journey is a person in itself; no two are alike. And all plans, safeguards, policing, and coercion are fruitless. We find that after years of struggle that we do not take a trip; a trip takes us.” ~John Steinbeck

    Around six years ago I started to meditate. I had a spiritual awakening, and life started to look really different.

    I have always been a feeler and reader of emotion, but this was different. It was like I was synchronized with everyone around me, as if everyone else was connected to me in some strange and mysterious way.

    It later turned out to be the case that everyone is connected to me, the same way everyone is connected to you. That we are all made up of the same stuff and really we are just one giant organism connected to the same sphere of consciousness.

    I believe that if you project hate, hate is what you will receive, and if you project love, you will be showered with love.

    This is a strange concept, and one that I am sure many of you think is a little crazy, but everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and what is a reality to me may not be a reality to you.

    For me to claim my version of reality is the one truth that exists from over seven billion minds on the planet would be pretty egotistical and naïve.

    The fact is science could account for everything, in the same way a higher power could or evolution or the collective consciousness of humanity.

    We could have been put here by a lifeform more intelligent than ourselves, or our planet could indeed be just a cog in a bigger organism that we do not understand. We could be a hologram or a hallucination or something conjured up in the mind of someone or something. The truth is we really do not know!

    But when I had this moment of spiritual enlightenment six years ago, I did know. There was clarity, things made sense, and the world seemed like a better place. I thought that I had stumbled upon secret wisdom and that I was in some way elevated to a deeper level of mind than most other people.

    I knew this was the answer not only to my own problems, but the problems of every man, woman, and child on the planet. The only problem was no one who I knew was sharing my enthusiasm.

    Over the last six years since that first moment of clarity, I have come to realize that when you have a spiritual awakening it is only the start of a journey that has no end. You learn more and more about yourself as the days go by, but with each new answer multiple questions will be asked.

    If I had written about spiritual awakenings six years ago or even one year ago this article would have been very different, and if I write one six years from now, I am sure I will have many more revelations and differences from the opinions I have now.

    When I started out, I was certain that everyone else needed to meditate, that everyone else needed to jump on the spirituality bandwagon. And if you were not into spirituality you were in some way less enlightened than I was. But I now know this was my ego getting in the way.

    Because of this I alienated myself from friends, my behavior became erratic, and it nearly cost me my relationship with my girlfriend. Something that I learned from this experience is: you should never force enlightenment, information, spiritual beliefs, or a way of life on anyone else.

    I wrote this article because after coming to this realization, I noticed that it was not all that uncommon for people just starting out on the spiritual journey and even those who have been living it for a very long time to develop this spiritual snobbery and an aggressive need to inform people who are really not that interested in this way of life.

    The fact is people need to come to their own conclusions in life. No matter how big an opportunity, no matter how easy it is, even if something is so painstakingly obvious, it doesn’t matter. People want to make their own decisions and we have no right to force our way of life upon them.

    One of the main reasons we seek to recruit others when we go through transformation is to seek validation. The spiritual journey is a cosmic experience that can sometimes leave you questioning reality. If you have someone to join you it seems less scary. But you have to embrace the fear and do it anyway!

    The same rings true for a lot of other things—we may want our partners to come and see a show with us even though we know they are not interested, or we may need a buddy to join us at a martial arts class because we do not have the confidence to attend alone.

    However you dress it up, human beings generally crave acceptance and validation of their decisions.

    The truth about spirituality is that while it is one of the most connecting things that you can do, it is also one of the most solitary and individual experiences that you sometimes need to face alone. This is not to say that you should not seek guidance (you should), but a good teacher will lead you, not show you, and every conclusion and realization that you come to should be your own.

    This is why you cannot force your beliefs onto others, because while spirituality is a personal experience for you, it is also a personal experience for others; and if you do convince someone else that it is the right thing for them, they will only be doing it in an attempt to seek your approval.

    The best thing to do is be available to those who want your help and are asking questions. It can be very fulfilling to help someone who is just getting started, but ultimately they will still need to find their own way.

    There are plenty of people and communities where you can connect with those who are on the same path as you are. People who have experienced a spiritual awakening are usually pretty friendly, so don’t be afraid to reach out to others who have common goals and interests as you.

    They will usually (not always) have more of an understanding of what you are going through than your friends and family, so sometimes it is just good to be able to chat with someone whose beliefs are in line with yours.

    To wrap up, the things I have spoken about in this article do not only hold true for spirituality, but also any other journey that goes against the grain. The opposite could be the case; you are not spiritual in nature and are surrounded by people who are deeply spiritual and do not understand you.

    Maybe you have escaped the rat race and found a great business opportunity, which is being met with the same kind of resistance. Or maybe you have found out that you can reverse disease naturally and no one wants to listen to you.

    Whatever it may be, remember the only life you can live is your own; you cannot control anyone else’s destination or path. So get to know those around you, connect with people with common goals, stop seeking approval of others to validate your journey, and get out there and start living!

    Monk meditating image via Shutterstock

  • Choosing Inspiration Over Intimidation: How the Unknown Can Empower You

    Choosing Inspiration Over Intimidation: How the Unknown Can Empower You

    Facing the Unknown

    “When you become comfortable with uncertainty, infinite possibilities open up in your life.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    Lately, I have been reflecting a lot on what I was like when I was a kid.

    Back then, what I didn’t know seemed magical. It gave me room to imagine, to fill in the blanks with my own creative inspiration, and to live with a sense of wonder and awe.

    I loved fantasizing and daydreaming and imagining what magical situation might be brewing in my life.

    As children, curiosity was a natural and automatic part of us, and what we didn’t know didn’t scare us. If anything, it made us into warrior explorers who took adventures into the unknown, unafraid to change direction if something wasn’t working, unattached to the outcome, and perfectly content on the journey.

    As a child, I was open and available to the possibility of the kind of world I wanted to live in. I loved learning about people and their life situations.

    What I didn’t know inspired me to ask questions. And I asked a lot of questions. I was unscripted and unedited. It took people by surprise, but I shook things up everywhere I went and saw nothing wrong with that.

    I was unapologetic about who I was.

    I believed in the good, the magical, and the powerful, and I believed that fairytales were real. After all, no one had told me yet that it was silly, crazy, or impossible. No one had convinced me yet that fantasy was not a useful tool for creating a worthwhile life.

    But sadly, I was only wholeheartedly curious and unedited until about age five. Then I began to doubt, to limit what I knew to be true, and to edit the world I believed was possible.

    I got really good at fitting in and being whatever I thought others would adore. I stopped asking questions, and I went through years of agreeing with everyone all the time.

    I had forgotten who I was and grew fearful of rocking the boat. I now felt threatened by the unknown, and I lived with anxiety because of it.

    All those years of forgetting about who I am wound me up good and lost by the time I graduated college. I went through some pretty heavy rock bottoms in my twenties, super lost and so unsure of myself.

    I struggled because there was this world I believed in, but then there were all the ways in which I had edited myself into a world much smaller. I knew there had to be a way out. It just took me some time to find it.

    As it turns out, the way out was not some external thing that changed for me, but rather the willingness to search inside myself, a place I hadn’t spent much time up to this point.

    I let myself start asking questions again, and I contemplated those questions for months and years. Just asking them was enough to open up a whole new world to me.

    I believe in the practice of taking what we do not know—that precious space where anything is possible—and allowing ourselves to live in its question mark, to play with what we really want, and to dance in the discomfort, challenging ourselves to build and create the world we want to live in.

    If we don’t choose this, then what are we choosing?

    What if we let the unknown be an invitation, a calling to a greater you and me? What if the unknown was a blessing and a gift, presenting us with a blank to fill in with whatever we want to create? What would be available to you if you let the unknown inspire you instead of letting it intimidate you?

    I have so many unknowns in my life right now, and I am pretty positive I always will.

    Will I become a wife or won’t I? Will I be a mom or not? Will I live here for the rest of my life, or will I move again? Will I travel the world again? Is this what I am meant to be doing, or is there something else or something more? What do I really want, and am I willing to do whatever it takes to create that?

    Instead of making myself crazy, trying to get answers that I cannot possibly have in this moment, I choose to practice surrender and mindfulness.

    Whenever I’m facing the unknown and I see myself going into a negative, fearful, victim place, asking questions helps me shift.

    I ask questions like:

    How do I know this bad thing is going to happen? Is that a fact? Since this is not a fact, what is a fact? The fact is that I am facing the unknown.

    What do I prefer to create right now? Where is the magical place that I wish to go instead of this limited place? What do I want this unknown to mean for me? What would it take to create something better that I haven’t even thought of yet? Can I just live in the question of that? How does it get any better than this?

    As we become responsible adults, we need to reclaim our power, remember who we are, and become the person we wish would save us so we can create the world we would be joyful living in.

    It is up to us to let go of the outcome and to be curious and adventurous, like when we were kids.

    When you are faced with the unknown, notice what you do. Become aware of whether you make up a negative story about it. If so, what would happen if you made up a fun, exciting, empowering, inspirational story about it instead?

    Use your curiosity. Investigate your own mind, heart, and spirit. Ask questions. Explore. What adventure do you want this unknown to mean for you? What do you want to create?

    Lastly, look outside your comfort zone. Instead of reaching for what you know based on your past, look outside the bubble that includes everything you’ve ever known. What is a new way for all the pieces to come together? How might this time be different for you?

    Be willing to look beyond what is currently showing up. Sometimes we may not know how something will come into being, so we must stay present with the knowing we hold deep inside and committed to the vision we have for our lives.

    We are human. There will always be uncertainty, but it doesn’t have to overwhelm us or freak us out. It could inspire us and get us excited about what magic is unfolding for us.

    As for me, I am choosing to just be with what is. As I sit with my resistance to what is, I become aware that the temptation to make the unknown mean something scary and bad is just another distraction so I don’t have to sit in the discomfort of not knowing.

    So every day I must recommit to sitting with the discomfort instead of giving in to the temptation to make up scary stories about it. Just embracing what is can be the very relief we are searching for!

    Uncertainty image via Shutterstock