Tiny Buddha

Category: letting go

  • How Dealing with Our Emotions Can Help us Heal Chronic Pain

    How Dealing with Our Emotions Can Help us Heal Chronic Pain

    “The part can never be well unless the whole is well.” ~Plato

    Our bodies are clever. They constantly send us messages that something isn’t right. It’s our job to tune in, listen, and act on these messages.

    That headache, tight shoulders, and backache are all trying to tell us something. But sometimes the physical symptoms we experience are actually tied up in a deeper emotional pain that needs to be dealt with first.

    How do I know this? It was a message I needed to learn, one that I now teach to others.

    Six years ago my life fell apart. Within an eighteen-month period my marriage broke up, I lost my house in a devastating earthquake, and I had to walk away from my physiotherapy practice that I had poured my soul into for four years.

    At the same time I was also experiencing chronic shoulder pain. I was suffering from regular headaches, sciatica, and insomnia. I sought help from a number of different health practitioners. At times I would get temporary relief, but it never lasted.

    As a physiotherapist I knew I was doing everything right to heal my physical pain, so I could not understand why I wasn’t healing.

    Not only was my physical health a mess during this time, but I was also an emotional wreck!

    I felt like a failure. I was ravaged with guilt. I was scared of what the future held. And my self-esteem was at an all time low. I had stopped eating and sleeping. My weight had plummeted and I looked terrible.

    It wasn’t until I stumbled across Louise Hay’s book, Heal Your Body: The Mental Causes for Physical Illness and the Metaphysical Way to Overcome Them, that I began to gain a better understanding of the relationship between our emotional and physical health.

    This one book was the catalyst for change and healing. I realized that if I wanted to heal myself from chronic pain, I was going to have to dig deep to get to the core of all the challenges in my life.

    It was the start of a journey that wasn’t easy and it wasn’t pretty. A lot of the time I wanted to bury my head in the sand. I have always been one to brush emotions to the side. “I’m fine” was my tagline.

    But as I did the work, three key themes became clear.

    First, I had no sense of self-worth. I didn’t see myself as important as other people. I would give everything I had to everyone else and nothing to myself. If I did, I would feel guilty.

    I also have a Type A personality, I’m a high achiever, and I’m a perfectionist. I would constantly push myself to the limit, and the pressure I put on myself was immense.

    Lastly, I realized that I constantly compared myself to those I perceived to be living the perfect life, and I always came up short.

    I recognized that the pain I was experiencing was my body’s way of telling me I needed to slow down, take pressure of myself, and start taking care of myself.

    I knew it wasn’t going to be easy to change my ingrained habits and beliefs, but I also knew that if I didn’t my body would start screaming louder until I ended up seriously ill.

    I started by making small changes. I began to gather knowledge from others. I took what worked for me and discarded the rest. I experimented and added in what made me feel well and healthy.

    Sleep was the first thing I made a priority. I had never realized how important sleep was. It’s the time when our bodies repair and rejuvenate. One good night’s sleep doesn’t help us heal; consistently sleeping well does.

    Self-care was the next thing I needed to address. I had previously thought self-care meant hour-long bubble baths, a day at the spa, or a week’s vacation in the sun sipping champagne. But I came to realize it didn’t mean any of those things.

    I realized that the small things I did throughout my day were just as important—like taking five minutes in the morning to meditate before starting my day, making sure I had prepared a nourishing lunch, spending ten minutes cuddling my dogs after work, and reading a chapter of my book before I went to sleep.

    Small things, consistently done over a long period of time, made for big change.

    I also realized that my body had been sending me the message that my life had been out of balance for years. But I had lost the ability to tune in, listen, and connect with what it was saying.

    I started practicing a simple technique that consisted of meditative breathing, scanning my body for discomfort, and then asking what it was trying to tell me.

    Whenever I would feel discomfort in my body, I would ask myself, “If this pain was an emotion, what would it be?” If I answered “sadness,” I would then ask myself, “What is going on in my life right now to make me feel sad?”

    I would then use practices, such as journaling, to help me work through, and release, whatever was causing me to feel sad, lonely, or fearful. With time, my emotional well-being improved, and so too did my physical symptoms.

    So what are the physical signs that your emotional health may need attention? Here are just three examples that you may be able to relate to:

    1. Tight, tired, and painful shoulders.

    When I meet people with this problem, they often have a similar story. They believe that they need to be, and do, everything for everyone. They are literally “carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders.”

    2. A stiff neck.

    People with stiff necks have trouble turning their head to one side. They’re often dealing with someone close to them making a choice that they don’t agree with. This decision has hurt them and they are finding it hard to “turn the other cheek.”

    3. Back pain.

    While disc ruptures are not uncommon, most people present with muscle spasms. Again, there is often a deep-rooted emotion playing out behind the scenes. In this scenario, it often pertains to money and finances. Their finances are restricting them from doing the things they want to do (as is their back spasm!)

    Our minds and body are so closely connected. But in today’s world, where we are so overstimulated, we have become completely disconnected with ourselves.

    Instead of tuning in to our body to find the answers, we tune into Google.

    Big life stuff (as I like to call it) happens. There’s no escaping it. Even everyday life can cause us to feel stressed and overwhelmed.

    If we don’t learn to deal with our emotions in a healthy way, they become boxed up within our body, until they are expressed in physical pain or illness.

    If you are someone who experiences regular physical pain, and you are aware that your emotional well-being may be one of the reasons for this, then I encourage you to start healing by journaling on the following questions:

    Does your life feel stressful at the moment, and what is causing you to feel this way?

    What is one thing you can let go of, even just for now?

    Do you feel overwhelmed, and what do you keep saying yes to that you could begin saying no to?

    Are you taking on the emotional loads of others in your life? So often we want to help or fix those close to us, but it’s important to remember that they are on their own journey.

    Are there any stories from your past that you are holding on to that need releasing?

    Are “you” last on your list of priorities? If so, how can you make a little more time for yourself?

    Learning to tune in and listen to your body’s messages is the first step toward preventing long-term physical damage. I encourage you to start doing this now, before it ‘s too late.

  • How to Stop Believing Negative Things About Yourself

    How to Stop Believing Negative Things About Yourself

    “If you accept a limiting belief, then it will become truth for you.” ~Louise Hay

    Have you ever felt like you weren’t living up to your potential? That chasing your ultimate dream is a waste of time because you’ll never accomplish it? You’re certainly not alone. I know the feeling, and quite frankly, it’s awful.

    Recently, I had occasion to visit a cemetery for military members and their families. I saw tombstones over 100 years old. Some of the people lived long lives, while many did not have the privilege of growing old.

    As I walked, I couldn’t help but think of the kind of lives they’d lived. Some saw unimaginable horrors in war that no doubt changed the quality and trajectory of their lives. Were most of these people happy and fulfilled? I didn’t know; tombstones don’t talk.

    The thoughts that kept coming back were: “How many of them went to their grave with regret? How many settled and accepted the labels assigned, without ever finding the satisfaction of breaking free and living life the way they truly wanted?”

    Going to the grave without ever realizing my full potential—that scares me to the bone. It’s something that I have had to fight for most of my life. It’s something that I emphatically refuse to let happen.

    Like most people, I took on the labels that authority figures assigned me at a young age. It’s what kids do.

    As the years go by, those labels, whether true or not, become sewn into the fabric of our being. They become part of our core, the vocabulary we use about ourselves, and the thoughts we hold of ourselves.

    The crime here is that so many times the labels have absolutely no anchor in truth. Rather, they are skewed or twisted interpretations that others have about us, or they are our skewed and twisted interpretations of things said and done to us. Rarely are the negative beliefs we hold about ourselves actually true.

    My nemesis was the belief “I am lazy.” In adulthood, after studying counseling theory for years in college, I finally figured out where it came from. I had always just assumed it was part of who I was.

    It came from my sixth-grade teacher telling my parents, before I moved up to junior high the following year, that I would be placed into remedial classes. I had tremendous potential, she said. But I was lazy and wasn’t performing to my full capability.

    My parents sat me down and broke the news. I was devastated. I knew all of the harsh things that other kids would say. I had heard them said before about others and didn’t like it. But now they would be saying it about me.

    That belief directed the course of my life. I walked through life believing I was lazy and began using that word in my inner vocabulary all because, at the age of eleven, my teacher and parents told me I was lazy.

    I never questioned it; I just accepted it. After all, why would my parents and teacher say it if it wasn’t true? They were supposed to know better than me.

    That is how the negative beliefs we hold about ourselves hold us back from unleashing the greatness within. Kids don’t have the cognitive capacity or life experience to question such things. They take the words of authority figures as truth, just as we are conditioned to do.

    If you’ve done the same, you must know that it doesn’t have to continue. There is a better way, and that way is to identify the negative beliefs that you hold deep down and challenge and reframe them through the lens of wisdom and experience.

    Going back to my example, I challenged that belief in my early thirties.

    What I found is that my teacher and parents did not take into consideration the fact that my mother and biological father went through an extremely violent divorce. He was the criminal leader of a notorious motorcycle gang.

    I didn’t have a stable, comfortable home environment, and academics certainly weren’t at the top of the priority list. My mom did her best, but working two or three jobs makes it difficult to do homework with the kids every day.

    Living in constant fear at such a tender age is not prime for a child’s development. Also, I started kindergarten before I turned five, so I was quite young for school.

    The sum of these circumstances contributed to my early struggles in school. It wasn’t because I was lazy or choosing not to live up to my potential.

    When I looked back through a different lens that only experience and wisdom can provide, I knew neither my parents nor my teacher meant any harm. They simply didn’t know any better, and the teacher never asked about what was happening at home. Putting myself in their shoes made me better understand what happened.

    I took on their words without ever asking myself, “Is it true?” Had I not taken the time to challenge this deep-seated belief, there is not a doubt in my mind that I would be an underperforming, underachieving, underpaid underling today. Changing that belief literally changed my life.

    The only thing stopping you from doing the same is you. If you hold negative views about yourself, you are not living life authentically. If you let the words of others define who you are, you are setting yourself up for failure. And chances are, you’ll become one of the people who get to the cemetery clutching regret.

    I don’t want that for you. You don’t want that for you. Make some time today to take back your authentic self by taking these four steps to eliminate any negative core beliefs you hold.

    1. Write down or say out loud the belief (preferably both).

    2. Think back to the earliest time you can remember having that belief.

    What happened that made you feel that way? Did someone say something that hurt your feelings? Put yourself in that moment again and hear their words, see their actions, and feel whatever comes up. Don’t push it aside. Stay there for a few minutes.

    3. After you’ve replayed it in your mind, put yourself in the other person’s shoes and reframe it.

    What was going on with them? Were they frustrated, stressed, or angry? This is important because it could signal that something was said in a moment when the person was lashing out and did not mean to harm. It could also reveal that you took something out of context.

    4. Challenge the belief.

    Write down the unequivocal proof that the person was right. Note—this must be unequivocal proof. Not opinion, emotion, or pity.

    If there is no proof, the belief is false and should be discarded. You will feel lighter after releasing it. If there is proof, you now have a rock-solid foundation from which to start changing.

    Changing behavior need not be intimidating. It requires that you be mindful when making decisions. You’ll want to make decisions that will get you to where you want to go in life. I ask myself a single game-changing question in everything I do: “Is this in alignment with my authentic purpose?” If it isn’t, I choose instead to do something that is.

    When you do that consistently, you’ll change both the behavior and the negative belief.

    You’ll gain confidence and momentum, and you’ll start achieving things that once seemed out of reach.

    Most importantly, you’ll realize that others’ words don’t define you. The words you use about yourself and the actions you take do.

  • 10 Lessons My Mother’s Death Taught Me About Healing and Happiness

    10 Lessons My Mother’s Death Taught Me About Healing and Happiness

    “Grief, when it comes, is nothing like we expect it to be.” ~Joan Didion

    This spring marked ten years since I lost my mother. One ordinary Thursday, she didn’t show up to work, and my family spent a blur of days frantically hanging missing person fliers, driving all over New England, and hoping against reason for a happy outcome.

    My mother was prone to frequent mood swings, but she also talked to my two older brothers and me multiple times a day, and going off the grid was completely out of character. How does someone just vanish? And why?

    Forty days is a long time to brood over worst-case scenarios: murder, kidnap, dissociative fugue cycled through my addled mind. I gave in to despair but always managed to buoy myself up with hope. My mom was my best friend, and at twenty years old, I needed her too much to lose her. She simply had to come home.

    Six weeks later, my brother called. Right up front he said he loved me—a sure sign bad news was coming. There was no way to say what he had to say next, so he just spat it out like sour milk: our mother’s body had been found.

    A diver checking moorings in a cold New England harbor had spotted something white on the ocean floor. That white whale was our mom’s station wagon. She had driven off the end of a pier. We didn’t say the word suicide, but we both thought it, failed to comprehend it.

    It’s been ten years since that terrible spring. Much of it still doesn’t make sense to me, but a decade has softened the rawness of my grief and allowed moments of lightness to find their way back into my life, the way sunrise creeps around the edges of a drawn window shade.

    Losing someone to suicide makes you certain you’ll never see another sunrise, much less appreciate one. It isn’t true. I’m thirty years old now and my life is bigger, scarier, and more fulfilling than I ever could have imagined. Grief helped get me here.

    Grief is not something you can hack. There is no listicle that can reassemble your busted heart. But I have found that grieving can make your life richer in unexpected ways. Here are ten truths the biggest loss of my life has taught me:

    1. Dying is really about living.

    At my mother’s memorial, I resented everyone who said some version of that old platitude, “Time heals all wounds.” Experience has taught me that time doesn’t offer a linear healing process so much as a slowly shifting perspective.

    In the first raw months and years of grieving, I pushed away family and friends, afraid that they would leave too. With time, though, I’ve forged close relationships and learned to trust again. Grief wants you to go it alone, but we need others to light the way through that dark tunnel.

    2. No one will fill that void.

    I have a mom-shaped hole in my heart. Turns out it’s not a fatal condition, but it is a primal spot that no one will ever fill. For a long time, I worried that with the closest relationship in my life suddenly severed, I would never feel whole again. Who would ever understand me in all the ways my mother did?

    These days I have strong female role models in my life, but I harbor no illusions that any of them will take my mom’s place. I’ve slowly been able to let go of the guilt that I was replacing or dishonoring her by making room for others. Healing is not an act of substituting, but of expanding, despite the holes we carry.

    3. Be easy on yourself. 

    In the months after losing my mother, I was clumsy, forgetful and foggy. I can’t recall any of the college classes I took during that time. Part of my grieving process entailed beating myself up for what I could not control, and my brain fog felt like yet another failure.

    In time, the fog lifted and my memories returned. I’ve come to see this as my mind going into survival mode with its own coping mechanisms.

    Being kind to myself has never been my strong suit, and grief likes to make guilt its sidekick. Meditation, yoga, and journaling are three practices that help remind me that kindness is more powerful than listening to my inner saboteur.

    4. Use whatever works. 

    I’m not a Buddhist, but I find the concept of letting go and not clinging to anything too tightly to be powerful.

    I don’t read self-help, but I found solace in Joan Didion’s memoir The Year of Magical Thinking.

    I’m not religious, but I found my voice in a campus support group run by a chaplain.

    I hadn’t played soccer since I was a kid, but I joined an adult recreational league and found that I could live completely in the moment while chasing a ball around a field.

    There isn’t a one-size-fits-all grieving method. Much of it comes down to flailing around until you find what works. Death is always unexpected; so too are the ways we heal.

    5. Gratitude wins.

    We always feel that we lost a loved one too soon. My mom gave me twenty good years. Of course I would’ve liked more time, but self-pity and gratitude are flipsides of the same coin; choosing the latter will serve you in positive ways, while the former gives you absolutely nothing.

    6. Choose to thrive.

    My mom and I share similar temperaments. After her death, I worried I was also destined for an unhappy outcome. This is one of the many tricks that grief plays: it makes you think you don’t deserve happiness.

    It’s easier to self-destruct than it is to practice self-care. I initially coped through alcohol and other destructive methods, but I knew this was only clouding my grieving process. I had to face the pain directly, and write my way through it. So I wrote a book.

    Everyone has their own constructive coping mechanisms, and choosing those, even when it’s hard, is worth it in the long run. My mother may not have been able to find happiness in her own life, but I know she would want that for me. No one is going to water you like a plant—you have to choose to thrive.

    7. Time heals, but on its own timeline.

    “Time heals all wounds” is something I heard a lot at my mother’s memorial service. Here’s what I wish I had known: grief time does not operate like normal time. In the first year, the present was obscured entirely by the past. Grieving demanded that I revisit every detail leading up to losing my mom.

    As I slowly started to find effective coping mechanisms, I began to feel more rooted in the present. My mood did not have to be determined by the hurts of the past.

    There will always be good days and bad. This is the bargain we sign on for as humans. Once we make it through the worst days, we gain a heightened sense of appreciation for the small moments of joy to be found in normal days. Healing comes over time, but only if we’re willing to do the work of grieving.

    8. Let your loss highlight your gains.

    I’ve lived in New York City for eight years now, but it still shocks me that I’ve built a life that I love here. It’s a gift I attribute to my mom. She was always supportive of my stubborn desire to pursue a career as a writer. After she died, the only thing that made sense to me was to write about the experience.

    This led me to grad school in New York, a place I had never even considered living before. It feels like home now. I wish I could share it with my mom, but it was her belief in me that got me here. I lost my mom, but I found a home, good friends, a career I love and the perspective to appreciate it all.

    9. Heartbreak is a sign of progress.

    In the first years after the big loss, I assumed romance was dead to me. Why would I allow someone else to break my heart? Luckily I got past this fear to the point where I was able to experience a long and loving relationship.

    That relationship eventually imploded, but I did not, which strikes me as a sign of progress. Grief makes us better equipped to weather the other life losses that are sure to come. This is not pessimism. This is optimism that the rewards of love always trump its risks.

    10. Grief makes us beginners.

    Death is the only universal, and grieving makes beginners out of all of us. Yet grief affects us all in different ways. There is no instruction manual on how best to cope.

    There is only time, day by day and sometimes minute by minute, to feel what works, and to cast aside what does not. In the ten years I’ve learned to live without my mother, I’ve tried to see my grieving process as an evolutionary one. Loss has enriched my life in challenging, unexpected, and maybe even beautiful ways.

  • Calmness Is Contagious, Even If You’re Faking It

    Calmness Is Contagious, Even If You’re Faking It

    Man meditating

    “Peace of mind is not the absence of conflict from life, but the ability to cope with it.” ~Unknown

    We had just reached cruising altitude, and my friend and I were settling in for the eight-hour flight from Tokyo to Honolulu. Exhausted after spending the day in the airport, we were excited to finally be in the air with beaches awaiting us at our destination.

    Jered and I were on an adventure around the world flying with standby tickets to any destination that had open seats. Even though we had been trying to get a seat to Bangkok, then Sydney, then Seoul, then Frankfurt, and then Paris, all with no luck, we decided to take the only available seats on the last plane of the day.

    After getting comfortable we decided to pass the time by racing each other in solving our Rubik’s cubes (what can I say; this is what we did for fun). It turns out this odd hobby was about to help me on the road to improving my inner calmness.

    “BANG!” We hit sudden, unexpected turbulence from a winter storm. I only remember two things: my stomach squishing into my throat as we hit an air pocket and a little girl in the aisle flying to the ceiling.

    Thankfully, there was a nearby flight attendant who heroically jumped, caught the girl, and curled up on the floor before she got hurt. 

    The plane was jerking violently in all directions. People were screaming. The pilot was on the intercom saying something, but no one could hear it over the chaos.

    Throughout the maelstrom my friend and I stayed focused on our cubes, continuing to spin their sides as we attempted to solve them before the other could. While my exterior seemed calm and focused, in my mind I was screaming.

    My hands were clammy and it became harder to keep my hold on the plastic toy in my hands. I was afraid I was going to die.

    The worst of it was over in twenty or so minutes, but the flight was still rough for several hours. As the sun started to rise and the flight had been calm for a couple hours, passengers slowly started to liven up again, chatting with the people around them about the experience.

    Having spent the time focused on the cube in front of me, I was surprised when the guy sitting next to me said, “Man, I was freaking out. I was about to lose it, but then I looked over and saw you two just playing with those things. You two were so calm that it helped me calm down too.”  

    This struck me as odd since I felt the same way he did, just internally. But soon other passengers sitting around us around us started chiming in, sharing the same experience. It seems a wave of collective calm slowly rolled over the back of the plane helping to ease some of the tension.

    Without being aware of it, I projected calmness to the people around me. They in turn became calmer. And ultimately my internal fear started to fade away as well.

    It was a surreal experience, but it became clear to me that calmness was contagious, even if I was only faking it.

    In many meditative traditions a calm, clear mind is often said to be like a still pond under a full moon. The smooth surface is transparent, allowing the moonlight to clearly illuminate the bottom of the pond. It is also like a mirror, reflecting back in perfect detail the moon and the night sky.

    Unfortunately, however, our minds are not always clear. The surface is full of ripples that make it hard to see the bottom and distort the image of the moon. While these ripples are sometimes created by the wind or the environment, most of them are caused by rocks dropped into the pond; rocks created in our minds.

    These rocks are emotions like anger, hatred, or fear. Often without realizing it we are constantly throwing these stones into our ponds, never letting it return to stillness.

    Returning to a calm mind is simple. Just stop throwing rocks and let the waves calm down on their own. Despite this, we often try to calm our minds by throwing more rocks into to pond.

    Sometimes when I can tell my wife is upset with me, but tells me nothing is wrong, I start to provoke her, “What’s wrong? I know something is wrong! Why won’t you tell me what’s wrong!?”

    I genuinely want to calm things down but, as you can imagine, I end up making her feel worse because I continue to throw rocks instead of letting things calm down on their own.

    When we do stop throwing rocks, though, the effect can be powerful and lasting. As we are interconnected with others, the stillness of our mind, the refusal to throw rocks, can help others find the same peace.

    When people see that your mind is clear it helps them realize that they too can let go.

    I still think about that flight from time to time, but mostly when I’m flying. I used to be a fearless flyer, but even today I feel pangs of panic, that squirt of adrenaline down the back of my neck, every time a plane bumps or shakes.

    However, as I’ve increased my awareness of my own emotions, I can sense when I’m holding a rock and then I set it down.

    Here’s an exercise to try. Next time there’s something or someone causing you distress: stop talking. Pause and take a moment to take a few deep breaths. Begin to watch your thoughts and note the upsetting ones. Don’t ignore them, just notice them. These are your rocks.

    As you notice anger or hatred forming in your mind, imagine it as a rock. See yourself holding that rock, poised to toss it into your mind. But instead of throwing it, picture yourself gently setting it down beside you. Take a deep breath. Let it go.

    Practice this when you can. Not only does cultivating calmness have tremendous effects on your personal state of mind, you never know how big an effect you may have on the others around you.

    Photo by oddsock

  • How Complaining Rewires Your Brain for Negativity (And How to Stop)

    How Complaining Rewires Your Brain for Negativity (And How to Stop)

    “Spending today complaining about yesterday won’t make tomorrow any better.” ~Unknown

    When I was about sixteen or so, one of my parent’s friends got into some trouble with the law. When we’d visit him he’d often shake his head from side to side and mumble, my life is in the toilet.

    He said it many times, for many years, even when things seemed to have gotten better for him.

    My life is in the toilet was his mantra.

    At the time I thought it was funny, so I adopted it for myself, until one day I started to believe it. I’ve since dumped that charming phrase and gotten a new mantra.

    Things haven’t magically become ideal for me since I did that. I mean, there’s this pinched nerve in my neck and those construction sounds across the street, and I could really use some more work, and…

    Type of Drains

    Everyone complains, at some point, at least a little, says Robin Kowalski, PhD, a professor of psychology at Clemson University.

    There are different types of complainers, according to Kowalski, such as The Venter. The Venter is a “dissatisfied person who doesn’t want to hear solutions, however brilliant.”

    Venting. We’re just letting off steam, right? Maybe not. I’ve personally found that the complain drain can be soul draining, not just for the complainer, but for all within earshot.

    Other types you may have met along the way (or may be yourself) are the Sympathy Seekers, the I got it worse than you do, and the habitual everything sucks folks.

    The Chronic Complainers, those living in a state of complaint, do something researchers call “ruminating.” This basically means thinking and complaining about a problem again and again. Instead of feeling a release after complaining, this sort of complaining can actually make things worse. It can cause even more worry and anxiety.

    No one is suggesting you be a peachy-keen-Josephine and pretend all is swell when it isn’t. What I’ve learned in my mindfulness practice is to aim to do the opposite.

    In mindfulness meditation, we try to experience fully the truth of the situation, in this exact moment, and allow it to just be. Easier said than done (but what isn’t?) Still, with practice, the need to express our dissatisfaction for things not being how we’d like them to be lessens.

    Can’t We Just Call Roto-Rooter?

    Running with this drain analogy…

    Call Roto-Rooter, that’s the name and away go troubles down the drain!

    When I was a kid I loved singing along to those Roto-Rooter commercials. Wouldn’t it be cool if we could “away go troubles down the drain?” Well, maybe we can.

    Most of us may have been unintentionally reinforcing the nasty habit of complaining, by virtue of… complaining.

    There’s something called “experience-dependent neuroplasticity,” which is the continuing creation and grouping of neuron connections in our brains that take place as a result of our life experiences.

    Neuroscience teaches us that neurons that fire together, wire together. Donald Hebb, a Canadian neuropsychologist, coined that phrase back in 1949. What this means is that whenever we think a thought or have a feeling or physical sensation, thousands of neurons are triggered and they all get together to form a neural network.

    With repetitive thinking, the brain learns to trigger the same neurons each time.

    So, if you keep your mind looping on self-criticism, worries, and how nothing is working out for you, your mind will more easily find that part of your brain and will quickly assist you in thinking those same thoughts again.

    This shapes your mind into greater reactivity, making you more vulnerable to anxiety.

    Imagine a truck driving down a muddy road. The wheels create a groove in the mud, and each time that truck drives down that exact spot, the groove gets deeper and deeper.

    The truck might even, eventually, get stuck in that mud rut. But it doesn’t have to. Instead of repeating the same negative complaints, we can drive our thoughts on a different road so we don’t get stuck in that negative mud rut.

    Throughout our lives we are wiring our brains, based on our repetitive thinking. We get good at what we practice.

    If we worry, creating more unease and anxiety, we become stellar worriers since our brain is responding, making it easier for us to worry each time we do it, thus creating our default mode living.

    Default mode living is our habitual way of going about our lives. It’s our reacting minds as opposed to our responding minds.

    Our reacting minds are often knee-jerk reactions to something. We often say or do things that we’ve said and done in the past, as if we were in that default mode living, on automatic pilot. But our responding minds come into play when we give ourselves a pause before responding to a situation.

    We ask ourselves what’s really going on and what the next best step is. It’s a clearer response in the moment that’s not linked to past responses. So, how do we respond instead of react?

    4 D.I.Y. Tips – Stop The Drain!

    You’re stuck in traffic and not only are you complaining out loud to the cars that are in your way, you’re imagining getting home and complaining to tell your significant other all about it. You’re practicing this conversation in your head while in the car. Your heart races, your forehead tenses up. It’s all so very annoying! What to do?

    1. Catch yourself.

    During meditation we soon find out that our minds will wander. The moment when we notice it wandering and we bring it back to our focus, our breath, that moment is what one of my teachers calls “that magic moment.”

    The catching yourself is the practice. Also, the not judging or berating yourself for having a mind that thinks thoughts. All minds think thoughts. That’s their job.

    So to stop the drain:

    • Catch yourself in a complaint.
    • Stop complaining.
    • Congratulate yourself—you’re aware!

    2. Be grateful.

    I’ve tried it; I simply can’t seem to complain and be grateful at the same time!

    I’m stuck in traffic, but I’m grateful to have a car. I’m grateful for the song that’s playing on the radio and the sunny day.

    It doesn’t matter what you’re grateful for; it can be the smallest thing, just notice. Complaining could very well be the evil twin of gratitude. Favor gratitude.

    3. Practice wise effort.

    In Buddhism, wise effort is letting go of that which is not helpful and cultivating that which is skillful.

    In the book Awakening the Buddha Within, Lama Surya Das breaks down wise effort into four aspects, the first one being, restraint: “the effort to prevent unskillful thoughts and actions.”

    Make the effort to pay attention and catch your complaining, negative thoughts before they become words.

    Try it out and see how it feels. You might be surprised as to where you habitually have been putting your energy. Everything takes a certain amount of energy.

    Next time you find yourself caught in a complaining loop, pause and regroup. Make the choice to put your energy elsewhere. The more you do this, the easier it gets.

    4. Make a new groove.

    Just the way our thoughts created that groove to make negative thoughts easier to replicate, we can create a brand new groove for pleasant feelings.

    The more often we allow our minds to remember the good stuff, the easier that kind of thinking becomes.

    Do you want to be the person who’s never satisfied and can always find fault in others, yourself, and the world at large? Or would you rather be someone who sees things as they are and finds a way to make peace with it? Let’s pretend it’s up to you. Oh, wait, it is up to you.

    So, what do you say? You don’t need Roto Rooter to flush your troubles down the drain. Just make a new groove.

  • We Have a Right to Grieve Losses Big and Small

    We Have a Right to Grieve Losses Big and Small

    Deppresive Man

    “Wisdom is nothing more than healed pain.” ~Robert Gary Lee

    It felt like I was being crushed by the weight of the world.

    “Impossible,” I thought.

    It’s impossible that people actually suffer this kind of pain and survive to tell the tale.

    When I thought about it, my stomach contracted as if I’d taken a blow to the gut. I’d gasp for breath and try to find some air through the tears and in between sobs.

    So this is what grief felt like.

    Now I understood why denial is the first stage of grief. How could you endure this kind of agony if you had to face the force of its full frontal attack?

    I felt sick and exhausted. I lay down and, although I expected never to find enough peace to sleep again, I quickly drifted off into a place where there was no more pain.

    When you think of grief, you think about a great loss.

    A death of a loved one, news of your terminal illness, and the loss of your home from the violent winds of a tornado are all acceptable events to grieve about.

    We can understand how any of the above can bring a person to their knees. We expect people to grieve over these losses.

    What we refuse to understand is the grief we feel over the smaller losses. (more…)

  • Release the Stress: Plan, but Know That Plans Change

    Release the Stress: Plan, but Know That Plans Change

    “Failed plans should not be interpreted as a failed vision. Visions don’t change, they are only refined. Plans rarely stay the same, and are scrapped or adjusted as needed. Be stubborn about the vision, but flexible with your plan.” ~John C. Maxwell

    This year started as a complete mess for me.

    After a five-week holiday away from December to January, it was difficult to get back to London and into the swing of things. Not only was I still in holiday mode, but I also came back without a plan.

    I am at a point in my life where I am still exploring where in the world I want to be, what I want to be doing, and how.

    My background is quite varied and broad. I am half Finnish, half New Zealander, but I grew up in Singapore. I came to London for university, where I studied Geology & Geophysics and then Business Management. I also developed a passion for running, which extended into overall health, fitness, and nutrition, thus I started working as a fitness and running instructor.

    I am at quite a fragile point, deciding what path to go down (which field—earth science, business, or fitness; which country—stay in the UK, one of my home countries, somewhere completely new).

    It is a decision made harder by having lots of options and a mind that tends to look for the perfect decision. It results in overanalyzing and overthinking, and leads to procrastination. Even small steps and imperfect action would be better than staying still. But I am just so scared to make the “wrong” decision.

    I know I want to live life doing what I love. I know what I love—the outdoors and nature, health and fitness, running, travel, and exploration. Therefore, I have a rough idea or vision of the where, what, how—somewhere with amazing nature and sunshine; something that combines the environment, outdoors, and fitness. So a rough idea, but not completely clear, and it feels like a lot of big decisions to make!

    At the start of the year, I felt quite lost, really. The lack of plan and knowing made me feel out of control and anxious about the future. Having always harbored perfectionist tendencies and feared the unknown, it was terrifying for me.

    So I tried to get back on track by planning. Planning things would make me feel more in control. Having a plan would make me feel less anxious and stressed. A perfect plan would solve everything and help me achieve anything, I thought.

    And it did help get back into a routine and on track. But it also did the complete opposite and made me overthink everything, which created a lot of stress and more fear.

    During the spring I was actively looking for different opportunities and things to learn, do, experience. It is amazing how much you can find when you really look.

    I applied for and asked about many different opportunities including world expedition/exploration jobs and courses, fitness jobs, internships in these fields, startups related to nutrition or fitness, photography, writing, language courses, further education degrees.

    At times I got good news and I thought I was in such a great place—lots of opportunities obtained and the whole year set out. I could relax and go with the plan.

    But then I got bad news and things seemed to fall apart. For example, because of a foot injury I had to stop running and expedition hiking. And I didn’t get the startup job, which brought me back to square one with no set plans.

    Throughout this time, no matter how much I planned, things would change. I felt so out of control and anxious. The whole opposite of what planning was meant to do.

    But as time went on, even though the ups and downs kept coming, I started to feel calmer about it all. I don’t know if it was my daily meditation or the fact that I had been thrown out of my comfort zone so many times that I was getting used to it. In any case I was calmer and started to reflect.

    I came to realize a few very important things:

    1. Plan, but know that plans change.

    Having a plan is good because it leads to setting and working toward goals. Hopefully these goals pertain to things that will bring you happiness and a sense of achievement. However, as much as you plan, things change. It is important to be okay with this and flexible. Then re-evaluating and getting going again will be much easier.

    2. Overthinking can keep you stuck.

    Spending all your time planning, overthinking, and overanalyzing is often procrastination for actually doing something. Usually because of some fear.

    3. Doing something is more important than finding the “perfect” opportunity.

    It’s important to take action toward any opportunities, even if they don’t seem perfect, as this opens doors for you. It gives you different avenues to explore, new ideas, and even routes to your goal. The open doors are also something you come back to, even when plans change. In the very least, it gives you experience.

    4. And finally, in life we go through phases, some that seem good and some that seem bad. But neither lasts forever.

    Sometimes you get into a bad phase and feel so stuck and unhappy. It feels like it will never pass. But it does. And then you get into a good phase and are really happy. As awesome as that is, unfortunately, that doesn’t last forever either. But the good news is that a good phase will come again!

    I like to think about this as a metaphor about a blue sky and clouds. I got this idea from the mindfulness and meditation app “Headspace” (highly recommend!)

    There’s always a blue sky. There may be sun, clouds, or rainy days (representing positive and negative thoughts or phases) and the weather keeps changing. But behind it there is always the calm blue sky, and overall everything is all right.

    This idea helps you live more in the present and be calmer. It helps think clearly and make plans or decisions based on your core values. It helps with anxiety in not having everything planned, not having the perfect plan, thoughts of “what if my plan doesn’t work?” It just takes the pressure off and helps you live in the present rather than constantly fearing the future.

    It’s great to make plans, to have a direction and vision. This helps you achieve the goals you set for yourself, things you always wanted to do or accomplish, things that could bring you happiness. But we need to accept that plans don’t always go, well, to plan!

    Know that when they don’t, you can still achieve your goals and vision, just in a different way—and with a lot more peace of mind.

  • How to Let Go of the Limiting Stories That Keep You Stuck and Unhappy

    How to Let Go of the Limiting Stories That Keep You Stuck and Unhappy

    “It’s not what you look at that matters; it’s what you see.” ~Henry David Thoreau

    We don’t see with our physical eyes, we see with our minds. I learned this lesson the hard way when I turned fifty-five. Suddenly, new wrinkles, deeper crow’s feet, dry eyes, and dryer skin seem to enjoy welcoming me each morning when I looked in my mirror.

    I began to notice other people my age and I would automatically compare my appearance to theirs. Was she younger looking than me? Did she still appear under fifty (even when I knew she wasn’t)?

    As you might guess, the negative train of doubt, comparison, and judgment did not fill me with joy. Instead, a looming sense of dread began to permeate through my life, dragging me into the abyss of aging despair. Hope became a lost memory, and the inevitability of growing older my reality.

    My age stories became a lens through which I saw my life.

    My mirror was my worst enemy. The more anti-aging skin care products I bought, the less I liked myself. It soon became a self-fulling prophecy—I thought I looked old, so I started acting older.

    It wasn’t until after I meditated that I realized the trap I had fallen into—telling myself limiting stories when I had the same ability to tell myself something positive and empowering. I learned to shine my awareness on the negative beliefs and use a simple process to reframe them.

    Story Alchemy™ to the Rescue

    The word “alchemy” has earned a bad reputation over the centuries. Magic and witchcraft are associated with it, as well as charlatans and sorcerers. But alchemy is really about transformation.

    Instead of changing lead into gold, Story Alchemy guides you through a simple four-step process to transform your limiting stories from negative to empowering.

    The four steps are:

    1. Realize.

    You have to first realize that you created your story. No one else—just you. When you accept this fact, it returns your power to change your story.

    2. Responsibility.

    Once you acknowledge that you created your story, you understand that you have the responsibility to change it. If your story keeps you playing small, then it’s time to decide to tell a different version.

    3. Reframe.

    This is the fun part! Reframing requires looking at the situation or person and seeing another side that you did not acknowledge before now. Every situation can be reframed into a positive version. If nothing else, that fact that you survived to tell the story is cause enough to celebrate.

    4. Release.

    The last step requires forgiveness of yourself for creating the limiting story. Being kind and compassionate to yourself releases you to tell your new story. The old one has served its purpose, now it is time to let it go and replace it with the new, empowering version.

    How did I use Story Alchemy to see past the physical evidence of growing older? I realized that I had accepted society’s definition of age, and I set about creating a new definition.

    Now when you ask me how old I am, I will always respond (with a twinkle in my eye) that “I am as old as I think I am. Today, I think I am in the mid-forties.”

    The person usually laughs and nods her head, acknowledging my joie-de-vivre if not my humor.

    My declaration of age in terms of how I feel makes me happy, because tomorrow, I can decide again how old I feel. My self-image and value is not tied to a number that I can’t control, which is quite a liberating concept.

    As I began telling my new story about my age, I noticed something peculiar. Whenever I passed by a mirror, I deliberately stopped and took a moment to look deep into my own eyes. A spark of divine light was always waiting for me to acknowledge it.

    Knowing that I am the embodiment of such loving energy always puts a spring in my step and a smile on my lips. I know that I am not just my body or my age, but part of something so much bigger than myself.

    Of course, age is only one topic that is ripe for limiting stories. There are so many more—money, relationships, career…the list could easily expand beyond the word count for this article. The point is to start becoming aware of your limiting stories and make a conscious decision to pivot and tell a more empowering version.

    For example, if you are struggling in a relationship or have a history of “failed” relationships, why not take some time to discover the thread that runs through your past? It is helpful to pretend that you are an “explorer” and you want to discover the buried treasure in your past. Some questions you might ask yourself are:

    • What did the other person claim was the reason?
    • What limiting story do you carry with you about that relationship?

    As you dig deeper into the rich soil of your past, you will discover some artifacts of insight. Make a chart and write down what you discover about each relationship. A pattern may begin to emerge that will lead you to a common story you told yourself that led you to act in a way that impacted the health of the relationship.

    Remember, the stories you tell yourself filter your reality. If you believe that you are incapable of forming new relationships because you are too sensitive, then you will be. If you are convinced that you are too old to learn a new career, you will remain stuck. If you always feel constricted around the topic of money, then its energy will never flow the way it is supposed to.

    After you alchemize your limiting stories, you will see the light instead of the dark. Your sensitivity in relationships actually makes you a better listener and friend. Your work experience is valuable, especially when you are confronted with conflict because you have a deeper understanding of people and their motivations. Money is seen as just an exchange of value, instead of a definition of your value.

    When you begin using your new, empowering story, observe the changes that naturally result in your relationships. Because you have changed your internal dialogue, your external actions will also shift.

    You may also discover small bits of your authenticity that you had forgotten. You may find that you laugh more often and you give yourself permission to be playful or silly. As you peel away the layers of limiting stories, your vision will clear and you will see yourself and your world from a new perspective.

    The end result is that your mind and eyes will begin to see the same things. No longer in conflict, you will notice random moments of happiness and joy bursting into your awareness. Be forewarned: spontaneous dancing may also occur!

  • How to Move Through Anxiety: A 5-Step Process for Feeling Unfelt Emotions

    How to Move Through Anxiety: A 5-Step Process for Feeling Unfelt Emotions

    “Anxiety happens when you try to think what you need to feel.” ~Unknown

    Anxiety results from unfelt feelings. I battled anxiety for years because I was scared to admit that I was scared. When I felt a wave of anxiety, I would harden myself like a concrete pillar and refuse to be moved. I thought this made me strong, but it halted my emotional progress.

    I didn’t have anxiety until my last major breakup four years ago. I was ashamed to consider myself weak, so I hid the pain in the back of my mind like skeletons in a closest.

    When I ignored the skeletons knocking on my door, they turned into ghosts. And when the ghosts howled in the night, I’d pretend it was the wind through the trees. I had many clever responses to anxiety, but I always remained unchanged and unmoved.

    When Michelle entered my life, all of the invisible forces I had battled turned into a human being. And I began to love her.

    Michelle was too beautiful to hide from and too sweet to rationally be afraid of. She was also the first woman I had gotten to know well since my last big breakup.

    We played volleyball together, we hiked, and we went out with friends. She loved how I challenged her to think for herself, and I loved the opportunity to practice what I preach. We spent a ton of time together.

    Before I knew it, Michelle became dear to me. She even helped me overcome my anxiety.

    The Transformation

    Last night Michelle and I expressed strong feelings about our growing friendship. It was extremely vulnerable for me because I had spent the last four years single and focusing on the relationship with myself. But it was something I’d secretly hoped for.

    When I relaxed into bed after our three-hour conversation, I felt that dreaded wall of anxiety. Every emotion surrounding my failed relationships hit me like a ton of bricks, and suddenly I had fear about falling in love with my friend.

    My first thoughts were “Oh s*&$! Why am I feeling like this?!”

    I bolted upright and wanted to run. I wanted to do anything but acknowledge my feelings. But I realized that I couldn’t be afraid of this sweet girl, and I couldn’t regret being close with her.

    So I did something different.

    I sat with my feelings and identified them. I was scared. And instead of becoming consumed by anxiety, I repeated aloud that I was scared, almost like a mantra.

    And I wept.

    I wept for fifteen minutes and transformed that wave of anxiety into a fully felt feeling.

    As I cried, I felt okay to be scared. I thought of the way my other relationships ended, and how hard I have worked to build lasting love. I allowed myself to experience the grief of former heartaches, and the uncertainty of new love.

    In the tears I felt an active transformation. I was healed through my emotions.

    Instead of giving into fear, I felt grateful for the opportunity to put into practice all the things I had learned about relationships. And I felt confident in being able to make mistakes on the road to unconditional love. Acknowledging and experiencing my true emotions made all the difference.

    I used anxiety to heal myself.

    If you’ve battled anxiety, there may be important emotions you haven’t allowed yourself to feel. Here are five tips to help you heal.

    1. Identify the feeling of anxiety.

    Anxiety is a powerful signal feeling for deeper and more specific feelings such as anger, sadness, jealousy, and embarrassment. Identifying the feeling is the first step to letting it go. Brain scans actually show that verbalizing negative emotions calms the brain’s emotion center and helps us release those feelings.

    So, as I did, ask yourself, “Why am I feeling like this? What’s really bothering me?”

    2. Stand your ground.

    The feeling of anxiety can make you want to run away mentally and physically. I shot straight up in my bed and was prepared to get up and move, but then I made the important decision to sit with the feeling.

    I repeated the question “Why am I feeling like this?” until I had a concrete answer. I was really, really scared. And when I recognized the cause of anxiety, I felt empowered to sit with the feeling—to stand my ground.

    You can too.

    3. Repeat your feelings.

    Aloud, preferably. Hearing your own voice declaring the reality of your emotions is empowering like nothing else. Since anxiety feeds on silence and the unknown, declare your feelings aloud to dissolve it.

    This step will give you the courage to be vulnerable, and to fully experience the emotion that needs to be felt.

    4. Hold yourself.

    Since being vulnerable takes so much courage, you need all the encouragement you can get. Holding yourself is the best way to show that you’re in it for the long haul—that you’ll be by your side no matter what. It will give you the strength to fully open up to your emotional experience.

    Retreat to a quiet space and hold yourself. Rock yourself. Tap your chest gently and repeat your feelings aloud.

    5. Let the emotion flow through your body.

    After all these steps you’ll be ready to experience and release the emotions that weighed on your spirit.

    Repressed emotions are actually toxic to your body. And when you leave them inside, they stagnate and promote sickness of your entire being. So let the emotions flow.

    Emotion comes from the Latin root “Emovere,” which means to move through.

    You may feel your stomach clench and your chest heave. This is your body finally processing unfelt feelings and moving them outside through your tears. Allow the physical process to take course. Assist it. And feel gratitude wash over you along with the tears.

    In many cases, simply feeling your feelings is enough to let them go. Other times, your emotions may point you toward an unmet need. For example, if you recognize anger underneath your anxiety, you may need to set firmer boundaries. In this way, anxiety can be a gift, since it helps you recognize what you need to do to take good care of yourself.

    —

    The feeling of anxiety, once confronted with courage, helps you to reconnect with feelings that need to be felt. By standing your ground and experiencing your root emotions, anxiety will help you grow into the courageous and balanced person you were born to be.

    Feel the pain. Feel the sorrow. Feel the grief. Whatever feeling it is, let yourself move through it and learn from it so you can let it go.

  • How to Move from Grief to Relief After Losing a Loved One

    How to Move from Grief to Relief After Losing a Loved One

    Man at the cemetary

    “When a person is born we rejoice, and when they’re married we jubilate, but when they die we try to pretend nothing has happened.” ~Margaret Mead

    It was five years ago this month that my father passed away from cancer. About four months before his death, his oncologist gave him a bleak diagnosis, telling him to get his affairs in order because he could die at any time.

    Our entire family was dumbstruck. Here was a man who appeared to be strong and generally healthy.

    He was a youthful sixty-eight years old. Just months into his retirement after a long and impactful career in social work, this was my dad’s time to enjoy the pleasures of post-retirement life, not brace for a devastatingly premature death.

    Summoning every bit of optimism resident in my being, I refused to accept he would fall to cancer.

    I knew the power of a healthy diet, exercise, and other holistic modalities in extending the longevity of cancer patients. I would do whatever it took for my father to survive.

    I spent hundreds at Whole Foods in a single visit, buying up the most potent anti-cancer foods and supplements.

    I researched every type of cancer therapy under the sun.

    I encouraged my father to modify his diet, follow a juicing regimen, and consult with credible and proven holistic healers of every stripe.

    Despite my best efforts, I had hit a wall. Sure, my father expressed appreciation for my care and concern, but he held no desire to change his lifestyle or pursue any alternative therapies.

    Pursuing these things might have helped reverse his illness; or they might have done very little. What was certain is that he had resigned himself to the notion that death was upon him.

    And so for months my family and I were left to watch the vitality of a man we held so dear steadily drain away. Adding to the horror of the situation were the rounds of chemotherapy my father underwent at the recommendation of his physician, who claimed it would alleviate his suffering.

    To my untrained eye, the chemotherapy succeeded only in withering my dad’s physical vessel down to an ashen shell of what it once was.

    But I made sure to hold it together.

    I don’t believe I cried more than a few times in the months leading up to my dad’s passing. I simply didn’t allow myself to feel the cascade of negative emotions churning below the surface.

    I had to be practical, I thought, so that I could support my mother and the rest of my family during an extremely challenging time. I had to power through it.

    And steady I remained, right up until my dad took his last breath in the hospice facility on that warm spring afternoon.

    The bewildering mix of grief, pain, shock, and relief in the wake of losing a loved one who has been suffering profoundly will touch everyone differently. I wept mightily that evening. Surrounded by family and friends, I felt able to emote and let the tears flow, at least for a day. What a relief.

    My willingness to acknowledge my pain quickly changed, however. The long list of responsibilities that fell on my mother in the immediate aftermath of my father’s death were formidable.

    I made it my priority to do whatever I could to unburden her and once again, I chose to prioritize fulfilling obligations over feelings my feelings.

    I made it through the funeral, the flood of calls and the many financial, legal, and practical considerations that accompany the death of a relative. I helped pick up the pieces. But as the months wore on I continued to deny myself the opportunity to process the emotional impact of losing my dad.

    I wasn’t in denial about my father dying, I was in denial about the way I felt about it.

    Feeling for Answers

    Two years later I found myself in the office of a friend who happens to be a fellow hypnotherapist. I confided in her that, for more than a year, I had been struggling with a strange case of debilitating chronic stomach pain. She offered to help me unearth subconscious patterns that might have been contributing to the pain.

    During my session, I came to discover that the stomach issue I was experiencing was directly linked to unexpressed grief and shame around my father’s passing.

    I discovered that not only did I fail to move through the grief of the event, but part of me felt deeply guilty about letting my dad slip away when I believed I could have saved him. With my friend’s help, I was guided to release the underlying emotional discord feeding my physical ailment. The pain vanished overnight and never returned.

    It was eye-opening. Though I intellectually knew there existed a profound connection between our emotional states and physical health, it was still hard to believe that my months of acute discomfort were the manifestation of bottled up emotion. I had learned a big lesson.

    Open Up to Your Pain

    From an early age we are conditioned to ignore our negative emotions. This is especially the case when we endure difficult circumstances, such as family sickness and death. We choose to push away our feelings in order to “just get through it.”

    The trouble is that in suppressing our emotions we’re not getting through anything, but rather forcing these emotional patterns deep into the recesses of the subconscious mind. This unexpressed pain that brews below the surface is at the root of much of our anxiety and many types of illness.

    When it comes to any sort of emotional pain, it’s crucial for us to understand that negative feelings serve us. They are wonderful indicators of the truth of our being and show us what is wanted and unwanted. But we don’t have to hang on to the anger, sadness, and powerlessness forever.

    We transcend our negative emotions by being present with them. Being tuned into the truth of your feelings doesn’t mean you will be a trainwreck and incapable of dealing with the real world; it actually sets you on the path of wholeness and peace.

    We strive to put on a front so that the world sees us as kind, capable, and strong. This often means that we denying our emotional pain. It takes great courage to admit to our vulnerabilities and embrace our authentic feelings, but it is a required stop on the way to freedom and relief.

    I challenge you to pick something in your life that you’ve been holding back from feeling and choose to express your pain in a safe and conscious way. Pull down the facades and give yourself permission to not be okay. It’s time to free yourself.

  • 7 Decluttering Tips: How to Release Your Attachment to Your Stuff

    7 Decluttering Tips: How to Release Your Attachment to Your Stuff

    “To change skins, evolve into new cycles, I feel one has to learn to discard. If one changes internally, one should not continue to live with the same objects. They reflect one’s mind and the psyche of yesterday. I throw away what has no dynamic, living use.” ~Anais Nin

    I’m attempting to fit my life into ten large boxes (and one red suitcase).

    As I enter a new phase in my life I’ve decided that now is the time to reduce the stuff that has been sitting in my storage unit while I’ve been house sitting and declutter my world as much as I can. The process has been both satisfying and exhausting.

    Satisfying because I’m finally able to get rid of things that I no longer need, from an ironing board to a box of fifty-plus rubber bands. (I’ve no idea when my rubber band hoarding began!)

    Exhausting because every item of my belongings requires a decision. Keep or release? Sell or gift? Friends or family?

    I found that while some things were easy to be rid of, there were others that I moved from pile to pile, unsure where they should rest.

    I knew that I didn’t need them but felt unwilling to let go. This feeling came up the most with clothes, as it turns out I’d attached a lot of meaning to fabric and thread.

    Like my pink suit. It’s that rare shade that suited me perfectly. The shape was flattering—a random woman once came up to me in the street to say how great my legs looked. I wore it in a corporate law office where black, accessorised with grey, was the norm. (I never did like to conform!)

    That suit reminded me of a time in my life where I lived in an exciting city and felt successful. That beautiful suit also has a stain down the front that dry cleaning won’t remove. It now looks dated, not to mention that I don’t wear suits anymore. Yet I cling onto it.

    Part of my reluctance was due to my scarcity mind set. “What if I never find another suit in that colour that makes me feel as good?”

    Do you do that when you are trying to let go of your things?

    We ask ourselves, “What if I give it away and then need it in a month?”

    Even though we haven’t needed it in the past year and, in most cases, we could borrow or buy a new one if we really needed to.

    As I decluttered I found that following steps helped me. I think they’ll help you too, whether your aim is to empty your junk drawer, your garage, or your wardrobe.

    1. Start with an easy area or the area that annoys or distracts you the most.

    Starting with an easy area is great for instant satisfaction and giving you the motivation to continue. Those old shoes that are so scuffed you can’t see the original color? Out. Those shoes that are lovely but don’t fit you? Out. Give them to a friend and make their day.

    Tackling an area that annoys or distracts you is a fantastic way to free up energy. The garage that you can longer fit the car in. Start there. The sock drawer that you have to push and shove to close because it’s so full of mismatched socks. Start there.

    2. Give yourself a time limit.

    Having a time limit will stop you from being sucked into the time vortex that is your closet. Or garage. Or pantry.

    Focusing on the time limit that I’d set myself to go through a box meant I was less distracted. If I found myself looking through a photo album when I was meant to be sorting through a box full of things for the kitchen, a quick look at the clock got me back on track.

    3. Give yourself a challenge.

    This step may only work if you’re a competitive soul like me. I decided to reduce my boxes from sixteen to ten. Why ten? I thought it was achievable and a stretch. Having that set number really helped me with my decision-making, as I knew I had a set amount of space to work with.

    4. Only keep what is essential or beautiful.

    Imagine having a home that only contained things that were essential or beautiful, or both. That idea fills me with a sense of calm and pleasure.

    This step was the best way for me to make a decision on whether to keep something, as having that guiding idea took away the constant questioning. “Should I keep it? It could be handy in the future.” “You can never have too many pairs of black trousers, black socks…”

    A friend gave me another helpful tip when decluttering clothes and accessories. Does it make you look or feel like a million dollars?

    I love that the bar is set so high. Most of us have far more clothes than we actually need. Having a wardrobe full of things that make you feel like a million dollars is simplistic luxury.

    This doesn’t mean that you keep the most expensive things either. I own necklaces that I bought for a few dollars while on holiday that I feel like a million dollars in.

    5. Get some help.

    Who says that decluttering your world has to be a chore or boring? Invite some good friends over, put some music on, and combine laughter with letting go of what no longer serves you.

    6. Give your things a second life.

    Have you thought about giving some of your stuff a second life? I had a pile of t-shirts that I no longer wear, some sixteen years old. I’d bought them while on traveling adventures, and they reminded me of those trips.

    I decided to get inventive. I sent them to my young nieces and included a set of stories telling them where in the world the T-shirts were from and what I’d been doing there. When my nieces called me, I was thrilled because the youngest said, “Thank you for the T-shirts. I especially loved the stories you told us.”

    Is there another life that your possessions can live?

    7. Connect with your emotions.

    Letting go of possessions can be like letting go of a part of ourselves. When I came across things I knew I wasn’t going to use or wear, but was struggling to release, I deliberately sat down with them and dove into the emotions/memories they raised.

    Dig into why you’re hanging onto that item. What does the item represent to you? What memories have you attached to that item?

    Connecting to those emotions helped me to know that those memories are always with me and don’t need to be triggered by a thing.

    I began to thank those items for helping me to create those memories. That might sound a bit odd, but it really worked. I could then release those things with a smile and a thankful heart.

    —

    I love the way I feel when my possessions have been reduced. There are less distractions and I feel so much lighter and more in control of my stuff rather than having it control me. The same can happen for you.

  • Why Letting Go of What We Want Enables Us to Get What We Need

    Why Letting Go of What We Want Enables Us to Get What We Need

    Seated woman

    “The most exquisite paradox: as soon as you give it all up, you can have it all. As long as you want power, you can’t have it. The minute you don’t want power, you’ll have more than you ever dreamed possible.” ~Ram Dass

    The first time I felt this paradox was in the middle of savasana after a challenging yoga class. I always say that yoga is a metaphor for life, and this is exactly why.

    Savasana is the final resting pose in which you lay flat on your back, close your eyes, and do nothing. A super yummy savasana is just so due after your work throughout the class.

    The more you are challenged throughout the yoga flow, the more likely you are to be pushed to a place of brokenness. You gave your all, and now you are spent. Dizzy and exhausted, you settle into savasana and release your entire body into the earth.

    Lying on the cold, hard ground never felt so good. You lie in silence, let your thoughts and breath go, and completely release. You feel deliciously blissful. And you might actually be feeling emotions for the first time all day, or maybe even all week.

    A slight smile spreads across your face as the sweat beads drip from your forehead. Or tears quietly stream from your eyes as you feel absolute joy and gratefulness. By the end of that savasana, you feel incredible. You feel like yourself again. You know you are whole.

    And it’s a good thing they have you do savasana at end of class, because you need the build up of tension during your yoga flow in order to allow yourself to really let go and just be.

    Could you imagine doing savasana at the beginning of class? Mind buzzing from a long, stressful day, thoughts racing. It’s possible, but much harder to do.

    This was how I came to understand the paradox of letting go in order to become whole. And trust me, it took many years of therapy, meditation, reading, seeking, and savasana to get there.

    We often cling to our desires and fight for them because we think we’ll be happy if we get what we want. But when we let go and accept what is, what shows up for us are often the things we need.

    These things tend to be the ones that really count, creating true happiness and meaning in our lives.

    But let’s face it, letting go on some issues is easier said than done. When it comes to deeper issues and matters of the heart, letting go can feel downright impossible. And on some issues, letting go may never happen. Some burdens may be too important not to bear. That is okay.

    However, even on the more difficult issues you may be facing, there still may be places in which you can soften your grip.

    I have had a strained relationship with my father since birth. From about four years old, I knew that he did not love me.

    All throughout my childhood, my father was both physically and emotionally abusive. My mother was loving, but also put in a position of trying to appease her husband, while at the same time protecting my siblings and me. This inevitably led to a lot of confusion and chaos in the household.

    Things finally came to a head when I was about ten. I was severely depressed, expressing passive thoughts of suicide, and displaying classic behaviors and symptoms of trauma.

    After a couple years of therapy and attempting to repair things in the home, my mother decided to divorce my father.

    Due to the history with my father, the court granted my siblings and me the opportunity to decide for ourselves whether or not we would like to visit him. Perfect timing too; my twelfth birthday was right around the corner as the divorce was being finalized.

    So, it was at the age of twelve when I decided to no longer participate in weekly visitation with my father. I would still see him occasionally for family events and holidays, but I kept my distance and he kept his.

    In my mid-twenties, I had little to no contact with my father, only seeing him about once a year for the holidays. However, I confronted him via email, defending my younger sister on an issue she was dealing with.

    She was only sixteen at the time, and was devastated when my father packed up all her belongings from his home and dropped them off on my mother’s doorstep without any warning. Apparently, she was no longer welcome in his home, and their relationship, too, was ending.

    In my father’s correspondence to me, he verbally confirmed what I had know all along, and stated outright that he did not love me and did not need me in his life.

    I was devastated and inconsolable. Although I had known and felt this since I was a small child, I had not actually heard these words before. Something about those words broke me wide open.

    I spun out of control and began a turbulent phase in my life in which I became severely depressed and anxious.

    I immediately began doing work in therapy, finally addressing the years of trauma that I had experienced, coming to terms with my broken relationship with my father. It was here that I began the long process of healing.

    Ten years later, I am significantly stronger. However, trauma is stored in our bodies, in our tissues, and in our brain chemistry, reminding me at times that it’s still there, but a mere shadow of what it used to be. Like an onion, the layers of trauma must be pulled back one at time.

    Looking back on my recovery process, the most challenging part for me had to do with my clinging to questions of what happened.

    I couldn’t understand why this had happened to me. I couldn’t let go of the fact that I was unloved by my father. I needed to have answers. I had been wrestling with these questions my entire life, and was bruised and broken time and time again, with no end in sight. This deep need and clinging only lead to more pain and hurt.

    Through therapy and yoga, I have come to let go of this ideal. I now know that I may never have the answers to my questions. I likely will never fully understand why this happened, why I had to experience this, or why my father behaved in this way.

    Now, instead of wrestling, I stand beside my questions, I cradle them in my arms, I offer them support, and I show them kindness. The questions, the injustice, the memories of hurt can be there, and I lovingly accept them into my life.

    More than this, I know that I am loved, that I am deserving, that I am kind, that I am a survivor, and I am whole. I always have been.

    In order to find acceptance and wholeness in my life, I had to release my death grip on my ideal relationship with my father.

    Whatever ideal outcome you’re clinging to, could you be open to the possibility of releasing it so that you can breathe, yield, and expand into something that is bigger? Could you give yourself time and create space so that you can become concise and clear about your being?

    If you can do these things, you will get what you need.

    Not unlike that challenging yoga flow I spoke of earlier, the real work comes when your body, mind, and spirit has been fully broken, your heart has been ripped wide open, and there is nothing left to do.

    And, no this is not easy. It will be hard.

    Letting go will make you question your identity, leaving you wondering if you give this one thing up, who will you be? What will you stand for? Will all your stress, worry, pain, hurt, sadness, be in vain? If you let go, who will believe your story? What will others think of you? What else will you have to let go of? What will you do next?”

    And here is where the paradox begins!

    “What will I do next?” is a tough question that can be scary to even consider. But it is here that change happens, and you do have a choice. Wholeness is knocking at your door, and you know what they say, “When one door closes, another door opens.”

    All that is required is to let go of the past and step boldly and bravely into your true self, your beautiful, loving, compassionate, deserving self. It is from this place of being that you may know wholeness.

  • The More of Less: Finding the Life You Want Under Everything You Own (Giveaway!)

    The More of Less: Finding the Life You Want Under Everything You Own (Giveaway!)

    Simple Living

    UPDATE – The winners for this giveaway are:

    • CA Los
    • Joy Nicholson

    When I think of minimalism, I think of two things: freedom and Joshua Becker’s blog, Becoming Minimalist.

    I think of freedom because downsizing has enabled me to afford more experiences with people I love, travel more often, and do it all without the burden of storing and maintaining possessions I don’t really need.

    I think of Joshua Becker’s blog because I’ve turned to it many times over the years for insights and tips to help me simplify and declutter.

    For this reason, I was thrilled when Joshua reached out to me to share his latest book, The More Of Less: Finding the Life You Want Under Everything You Own.

    Currently a bestseller on Amazon, The More of Less explores how our stuff can hold us back from pursuing our dreams, and how getting rid of things we only think we want creates space for what we actually need.

    With personal stories and practical advice, The More of Less is the perfect guidebook to help anyone escape the trap and stress of consumerism.

    I’m grateful that Joshua took the time to answer some questions about his work and his book, and that he’s offered two free copies for Tiny Buddha readers.

    The More of LessTHE GIVEAWAY

    To enter to win one of two free copies of The More of Less:

    • Leave a comment below
    • For an extra entry, share this interview on Twitter or Facebook, and post a second comment with the link

    You can enter until midnight PST on Wednesday, May 18th.

    THE INTERVIEW

    1. Tell us a little about yourself and what inspired you to write this book.

    Eight years ago, after spending an entire Saturday cleaning my garage while my son played alone in the backyard, I made a life-changing realization: Everything I owned wasn’t making me happy.

    Even worse, everything I owned was actually distracting me from the very things that did bring me joy. So my wife and I began a journey to remove the nonessential possessions from our home and life.

    We discovered the first step to crafting the life you want is to get rid of everything you don’t.  That is the message of the book.

    2. Many people equate minimalism with deprivation—possessing the bare minimum and forgoing all luxuries. What does minimalism mean to you?

    Minimalism is not about deprivation; it’s about liberation. It’s less about the things you remove and more about the things you add.

    In the book, I define it this way, “Minimalism is the intentional promotion of the things we most value and the removal of anything that distracts us from it.”

    With that definition and understanding, minimalism becomes entirely freeing. Everybody is going to pursue it differently because everybody defines their values differently.

    3. What do you think are the top benefits of a minimalist lifestyle?

    There are countless benefits to owning less: more time, more money, more freedom, more energy, less stress, less worry, less distraction.

    We become better examples for our kids and better stewards of our environment.

    We quickly discover contentment, gratitude, and margin for generosity.

    Minimalism frees us to better pursue our greatest passions.

    4. Why do you think so many of us get ourselves into debt buying things we don’t need when it ultimately causes so much stress?

    There are reasons both internal and external. But no conversation on the causes of rampant consumerism in our society is complete without considering the effect that media and advertisements have on us.

    According to statistics, we see 5,000 ads every day. And every single advertisement carries the same message, “You’ll be happier if you buy whatever we’re selling.” And I think, because we see this message so many times and from so many places, we begin to believe it without even realizing we do.

    5. Is there anything that can help us resist the urge to over-consume in that moment when we might look to a physical thing to fill a psychological need?

    I think there are a number of ways to overcome consumerism in our lives. As we begin to purposefully own less and recognize the benefits of it, we become more aware of consumerism’s empty promises—that more doesn’t equal better—and we are more equipped to overcome those temptations.

    Others have found great success in establishing a two-day or three-day wait period before making purchases. That time away from the emotion of the purchase allows them to think deeper about the purchase.

    6. As someone who tries to keep clutter down, I’ve struggled when it comes to items with sentimental value, like childhood journals and photo albums. How do you recommend dealing with items like these when downsizing?

    There are definitely some tips and tricks for each of these items. It usually comes down to one important realization: “Less is different than none. And less is better than more.”

    For example, sentimental items. I wouldn’t encourage anyone to remove every piece of sentimentality from their lives. But people would benefit from sorting through their sentimental pieces and keeping only the most meaningful.

    Oftentimes, those who are the most sentimental have accumulated so many things over the years, the pieces are merely stored in boxes in the attic—bringing value to no one.

    Working through those items, perhaps trying to cut their collection in half, brings more value to the memories because the most important pieces are not buried underneath piles of unnecessary things.

    7. Many of us reserve de-cluttering for specific times of year—during Spring Cleaning, for example—but then clutter builds back up again. What are the top habits we can adopt to maintain a clutter-free (or less cluttered) environment?

    That is great insight Lori! For most families, stuff enters the home every single day (especially when kids are present). When we only declutter around certain times of the year, things begin to pile on top of each other—usually leading to frustration and a breaking point.

    It’s helpful to remember if you live in a home where things consistently enter, that you’ll need to consistently be removing things.

    Walk around your home and begin to notice the various “clutter hot spots” where things start to pile up first (kitchen counters, desks, bedroom dressers). Work hard to keep those areas clutter-free and they will set an environment for the entire home.

    8. Do you have any advice for someone who’d like to reap the benefits of minimalism, but shares space with a partner or others who aren’t on board?

    It’s always easy to see everyone else’s clutter than it is to see our own. It’s important to start with that realization.

    Additionally, I’ve become convinced over the years that the best thing we can do is lead by example, offer patience, and engage in constructive conversation (not conversations born from frustration or impatience).

    Focus on the benefits and the positive changes that could come from it. Remember, the simplifying conversation is really not one conversation at all. It’s almost always many conversations.

    9. With so many companies marketing varied products to kids, and so many parents buying them, how can we introduce minimalism to children without making them feel deprived or left out?

    Your young children have probably never heard of minimalism, much less thought about it in any depth. So begin by describing minimalism in simple terms.

    Explain why you and your spouse are choosing to embrace a lifestyle of less, as well as the benefits you are hoping your family will receive from it.

    Kids are often much smarter than we give them credit for. Yours will soon realize that you’re not punishing them; you’re doing this because you love them.

    10. What’s the main message you hope readers take away from your book?

    I want people to realize that their lives are too valuable to waste chasing and accumulating material possessions.

    I want people to know they were designed to accomplish more significant things than filling a big house with a lot of stuff.

    And I want them to realize that all the stuff they own is actually keeping them from fulfilling their biggest dreams.

    FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site.  

    You can learn more about The More of Less or grab a copy on Amazon here.

  • Why We Worry About What Other People Think of Us (And How to Stop)

    Why We Worry About What Other People Think of Us (And How to Stop)

    “When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.” ~Winston Churchill

    I often play a little game with myself when I’m feeling bad. The game is a simple one, and maybe one that some people might find slightly morbid, but it cuts to the heart of the matter.

    I ask myself if this thing that is making me feel bad will matter to me when I’m on my deathbed. Ninety-nine percent of the time the answer is no.

    The things that matter to us when we’re contemplating our demise are the things that are actually important like, Did I love enough? and, Did I do all of the things I wanted to do?

    No one on their deathbed has ever said, “Man, I really wish I hadn’t stumbled over my words during that job interview.” Or, “I wonder why no one complimented me at that party when I was twenty-two.”

    We spend a lot of our time worrying about things that won’t matter to us later.

    You might be thinking, but it matters to me now, and it does. But there are two reasons why it shouldn’t: The first is that worrying is counterproductive, and the second is that worrying about what other people think of you doesn’t serve you.

    Worrying is the most impractical way to use your energy. There has never been a time when worrying if so-and-so would like you, give you the job, or want to be your partner in life contributed to you getting what you want.

    Not only does this not solve your problems, it typically leads to anxiety and overwhelm.

    When things are outside of our perceived control, like when we’re meeting people for the first time, worry kicks in.

    Our minds are wired for negativity—an evolutionary tool designed to keep us safe. But today, this process doesn’t serve us. We’re not meeting bears that might kill us at the event tonight, but our bodies are responding as if we were.

    Just like anything that isn’t serving us, worry can act as a signpost for where we need to dig more deeply into ourselves.

    Worrying about what other people think about you is a key indicator that you do not feel whole without the approval of others. 

    You’re looking outside of yourself to fill something only you can fill. No amount of approval from an outside source will ever make you feel whole. You’ll get it once and need it again and again and again. It’s an addictive cycle that turns you away from yourself.

    I remember when I began dating in my early twenties. I was super nervous because I wanted to make a good impression on whoever I was going out with. I was so focused on appearing likable that I didn’t even consider whether or not I liked him.

    This, in the simplest of terms, is disempowerment.

    We disempower ourselves when we’re more concerned with how other people perceive us than we are about how we perceive ourselves.

    When you are truly content with who you are, you stop being concerned with whether or not other people like you.

    You deserve to live your life for you instead of chasing an ideal your mind has created.

    You deserve to discover who you truly are, and show that incredible person to the world.

    You deserve to have people around you who love and admire you for who you are instead of who you are trying to be.

    There are two techniques that have alleviated my worry about what others think of me. The first is my breathwork practice, a powerful active meditation that gives me clarity, connection to my deeper self, and lightness of being.

    The second is mindfulness, the act of being conscious and nonjudgmental of my thoughts. Once I’m aware of my thought process, I work on actively shifting my focus to something that serves me.

    I recently went through a shocking breakup. It was shocking because the person I had been dating led me to believe he was committed to me, and we were planning our futures together.

    Without warning, he decided he didn’t want that. Of course, there is a natural grieving process when we lose someone we love dearly, but part of my challenge has been letting go of what he thinks about me now.

    I will have thoughts about how he doesn’t hold me in the high regard he once did, and it will leave me feeling deflated.

    In these moments, I am disempowering myself. I am allowing his thoughts about me to matter, and they shouldn’t.

    It’s not that we shouldn’t ever care about what people think about us, but we should care what we think about ourselves first. So in these moments I ask myself who I am and place my attention there.

    If he doesn’t think I’m amazing anymore, it doesn’t matter, because I know I am.

    We disempower ourselves far too often. A simple shift in our thinking can bring us into connection with the truth.

    When you find yourself concerned about what someone thinks about you, bring the focus back to yourself. If you’re thinking, “I hope she doesn’t think I’m a flake.” Ask yourself, “Am I a flake?” If you know the answer is no, then you’re good. Release it and move on.

    If the answer is yes, then take note and forgive yourself for it.

    When you spend time wondering how other people perceive you, you create stories that are often far from the truth. In order to change, we have to be able to see ourselves, accept who we are by giving ourselves love, and then make new choices.

    Worrying about everyone else’s possible thoughts doesn’t contribute to positive transformation.

    When I’m on my deathbed, the people who are going to matter to me are the ones who chose me, the ones who really saw me, the people who chose to give me love even when I fumbled.

    These are the people who matter.

    And it will matter to me that I lived a life I was proud of, that I was able to get to know myself and share that person with the people I love.

    So, you have to learn to be your own advocate. You have to stop giving your power away to other people.

    Like meditation practice, each time your mind wanders to the thoughts of other people, bring it right on back to yourself. Fill up that void with your own love. Stand in your own power. Show people who you really are, unapologetically.

    Don’t wait for someone else’s permission to be amazing. If they don’t see it in you, it doesn’t matter.

    The truth is that if they don’t see it in you, it’s because they don’t see it in themselves.

    We are all acting as mirrors for one another. Don’t try to be the broken version of someone else. Be the best version of yourself and your own biggest fan.

  • Why Happiness Means Letting Go of the Life You Imagined

    Why Happiness Means Letting Go of the Life You Imagined

    “Happiness is letting go of what you think your life is supposed to look like and celebrating it for everything that it is.” ~Mandy Hale

    As a child, you imagine (with much excitement!) the life that you are determined to have as you grow up.

    The life that you are meant to have.

    We have expectations. Lots of them. Only reality doesn’t always quite match up.

    Life twists and turns, changing direction to forge new paths, and things happen that don’t match the idealized playbook in our head.

    Some of these things are good; some are not so good.

    So how do you cope when the unimaginable, the undesired, happens?

    How do you react when you wake up and realize that your life is not at all how you imagined it would be?

    Understand that it is okay to mourn the loss of the life you had planned for yourself.

    Critical illness. Disability. Chronic pain.

    We all have circumstances in our lives that are not ideal.

    These are just a few of mine.

    I never imagined I would find myself at times living through what I can only describe as my own personal hell.

    My life wasn’t supposed to be like this.

    Many things I never imagined or wanted to happen in my life, and yet they did and they have and they are.

    It can be difficult to let go of the life we think we are supposed to have.

    There is a sense of entitlement, a sense of “Why me? Why is this happening to me? Why can’t I have/do/be what I want?”

    Whether they are lifestyles and material items you no longer have, or were simply hopes for the future, know that it’s okay to mourn what once was or what you hoped would be.

    And then you get back up on the horse.

    There has to come a time for acceptance.

    When things aren’t going well, when we are really struggling with life’s curveballs, it’s all too easy to spiral down the path of despair and assume tomorrow will bring just as much pain, as much fatigue, as many imposed limitations, as today.

    To feel frustration, anger, and disappointment at the unfairness of it all.

    These emotions are natural when we experience adversity, but they are not helpful to live with long term.

    There has to come a time for acceptance. Only then can we start to move forward and find happiness.

    I live with a chronic medical condition. There is more pain, fatigue, and limitations in my life than I ever thought possible.

    It hurts to not be able to do all the things I used to be able to do, or want to be able to do but can’t.

    And yet I still live a very fulfilled and happy life.

    I actively search for ways to live well in spite of my chronic illness, to expand my life and find my purpose, to find my joy.

    It comes down to the choices I make—balancing treatments, diet, and lifestyle with chronic illness management—to assist me to live beyond the medical conditions that could so easily define, so easily limit, who I am and all that I can be.

    Expressing my feelings through my writing, fueling my body with nourishing food, working to the extent that I am able, sitting outside in the sunshine—they all add up to help me to find my happy.

    To help me accept the reality of what is and minimize the lamenting, the agonizing despair, of what isn’t.

    To move forward in the best way I can.

    What are you holding on to right now that’s holding you back? What joy might you be missing out on while lamenting things that never came to be? What would you do to enjoy today if you accepted your reality just as it is and decided to make the best of it?

    Celebrate the beauty of right now.

    Learning to live in the moment can be one of the most difficult things to master.

    I still have times when I wish my life were different (pain-free would be a great start!); where I struggle with letting go of what “could have been” and how life was “supposed to be.”

    But if I spent all my time focusing on everything that was wrong in my life, then I wouldn’t see the good that is still very much present.

    The love and support of my family and friends.

    The personal growth that only my (extreme!) experiences could teach me.

    Chronic illness has brought me to my knees but it has also led me on an expedition of self-awareness and improvement, survival, love, and empowerment.

    It has taught me to enjoy life in all its guises, the small pleasures as well as the big ones.

    Taking positive steps every day to create a healthier, happier existence is key.

    Focus on what is good in your life because there is always something if we are prepared to look hard enough.

    Still can’t seem to find the good? Ask yourself: Who’s been there for me through this journey of acceptance? What have I learned about life or myself through this experience? What opportunities lie within this challenge for renewal or transformation?

    Also, be proactive to create good things in your life. Take up a new hobby, pursue the things that matter to you, learn a new skill or go on that weekly coffee date with your bestie so there is less room to indulge idle, and oftentimes destructive, thoughts about things you cannot change.

    Celebrate your life for what it is right now, warts and all.

    “Because we only have one life. We get one shot at making it worth living. We took our shot and ran like hell with it.” ~J.A. Redmerski

    Now it’s your turn! What have you had to let go of to find happiness? What have you fought hard to keep?

  • When It’s Time to Let Go: The Freedom of Accepting What Can’t Be Changed

    When It’s Time to Let Go: The Freedom of Accepting What Can’t Be Changed

    Colors of happiness

    “When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.” ~Helen Keller

    Years ago, a friend had a small party for her son’s fifth birthday. I was expecting to spend most of the party talking to the other adults. But that’s not what happened. Instead, at the insistence of my friend’s son, I spent most of the party entertaining him and the other children.

    Occasionally, I would escape to the living room to talk to the other adults. But before long my friend’s son would emerge from his bedroom and drag me back to play with him and the other kids.

    The truth is that I didn’t mind. In fact, I actually enjoyed the attention. And what happened at the birthday party has been the story of my life. Kids have always been drawn to me, and vice versa.

    Children draw out parts of my personality that adults rarely see: my silly side, my creative side, my playful side. I’m an expert at improvising engaging games and activities for children. And of course, I always join in the fun!

    And yet, despite the natural affinity that I have for children, for most of my adult life I’ve been indifferent to having my own kids. I’ve seen firsthand from family members and from friends how much responsibility children are. And the truth is that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to take on that responsibility.

    My feelings toward having children changed as I got older and entered my forties. I realized that I really did want to start a family and that having a child was my most important goal.

    Unfortunately, I have reached a point where I seriously doubt that I will ever achieve my goal of having a child. My forty-seventh birthday is rapidly approaching. And my wife will soon turn thirty-nine.

    Granted, we could still become parents. The truth, though, is that I have reservations about having a child at my age, knowing that I’d be responsible for caring for someone into at least my mid sixties. And I worry about what would happen to my child if I were to die when they were still young.

    And so I am slowly accepting that I’ll never be a father, that I’ll never hold my child in my arms.

    I’m accepting that I’ll never hear my child’s first words, never see them take their first steps.

    I’m accepting that I’ll never get to take them to the park, never get to help them with their homework, never get to hold them when they’re going through a tough time.

    Chances are, you’re in a position similar to me. Chances are you too need to accept that you’ll never achieve a particular goal or dream that was important to you.

    Maybe you also need to accept that you’ll never have a child. 

    Or perhaps you had a relationship end and you keep chasing after the other person even though they’ve made it clear that the relationship is over.

    Or maybe there was a career goal that you haven’t been able to achieve due to a physical limitation.

    Or perhaps your dream was something else entirely—a financial goal, or a travel goal, or a personal growth goal.

    Whatever your situation is, I encourage you to consider what you have to gain from accepting that you may never be able to achieve your dream. Continuing to try to change situations that are outside of our control can lead to anger and bitterness, as well as wasted time and energy.

    Meanwhile, learning to accept that we may not achieve some of our goals and dreams has the potential to bring us great freedom. Acceptance frees up our emotional energy and allows us to refocus our time and energy on dreams and goals that are still achievable.

    We can and should do our best to go after our goals and dreams. But we need to do so in the spirit of understanding that we may never achieve them. The hard truth is that much of what happens in life is outside of our control, and all we can do is put forth our best effort.

    Pursuing our dreams is important. But so is knowing when to step away from one dream and move on to another one.

    If you’re ready to step away from one dream in order to free your heart to pursue a new dream, then here are several techniques that can help:

    Have a letting go ceremony.

    Schedule a time and place where you will hold a ceremony dedicated to accepting the end of your dream. This might involve lighting candles, saying prayers or meditating, or burning an object that symbolizes your dream. You might even invite certain family members or friends to participate in the ceremony with you.

    Focus on gratitude.

    Even though you weren’t able to achieve an important goal or dream, you still have much to be grateful for. Keep a regular gratitude journal and continually remind yourself of all the wonderful things in your life. Most importantly, focus your gratitude energy on all the new dreams and opportunities that you now have the time and energy to pursue.

    Learn to be compassionate with yourself.

    Often, when we’re unable to achieve something that’s important to us, we blame ourselves for our failures instead of understanding that much of what happens in life is outside of our control. Set aside a small amount of time every day for prayer or meditation. During this time, focus your energy both on accepting that you did the best you could under whatever circumstances you faced and that it’s time to let go of your dream.

    Use a mantra.

    Develop a mantra that you can silently repeat whenever you need to. For example, if you find yourself ruminating over your inability to achieve your dream, you can close your eyes and repeat a simple phrase such as: “I let go and accept.” The key is to use something simple that resonates with you personally.

    Learning to accept that you won’t achieve your goal or dream takes time. If you’re committed to the path of acceptance, then be prepared to learn to accept over and over and over again. Meanwhile, the value of what you can gain from acceptance is immeasurable: peace of mind, an open heart, and renewed energy to pursue new goals and dreams.

    I am learning to accept that I will never become a father. And new doors and new opportunities are opening up around me.

    I suggest that you try the same with your goals and dreams that are now outside of your reach, instead of continuing to push against a closed door or holding onto the past. Accept, let go, and walk through one of the new doors that has opened up for you.

    Photo by Camdiluv

  • Overcoming Shame: Forgive Yourself and Let Go

    Overcoming Shame: Forgive Yourself and Let Go

    “Stop beating yourself up. You are a work in progress; which means you get there a little at a time, not all at once.” ~Unknown

    I haven’t always been the woman I am today.

    I used to be scared. Of everything. And everyone. Painfully shy and insecure, I saw myself as a victim of my circumstances and was always waiting, on guard, for the next rejection. I masked my insecurity in a blanket of perfectionism, and worked hard to put forth the image that I had everything together and had it all figured out.

    I did a good job looking the part. On the outside most people just saw an attractive, intelligent, successful woman, and had very little awareness or understanding of the pain and fear that was living inside.

    To further protect myself, I oftentimes took advantage of knowing that others believed my facade.

    I believed myself to be unworthy of love or loving, and there were times when the only way I knew to feel good about myself was to treat others harshly, often by knowing I could intimidate them just by being my “perfect” self.  

    I had split the world into people that I was either better than or less than.

    It’s been said that someone once asked the Buddha whether it was possible to be critical and judgmental of other people and not treat oneself the same way.

    He said that if one is critical and judgmental of others, it is impossible not to treat oneself the same. And that while at times it appears that people can be judgmental toward others, but seem completely satisfied themselves, this is just not possible.

    How we treat others is how we treat ourselves, and vice versa.

    I’ve spent the last four years working on finding compassion for myself and those who I blamed for my pain, embracing the concept of self-love so that I could find a sense of peace within. I’m proud of myself for how far I’ve come and the life that I lead today.

    However, it was recently brought to my attention that, despite the hard work I’ve done and the large shifts I’ve made, there are still some people who have a negative perception of me, and some hurtful words were used to describe my qualities and attributes.

    When this was shared with me, I immediately felt the stinging pain of rejection and my automatic response was to go to shame. I felt really bad about myself.

    Aside from the fact that I don’t think it ever feels good to hear that someone doesn’t like you, I’ve spent a long time working to heal these very wounded parts of myself, and in a moment they were all brought back to the surface in a very painful way.

    When memories arise of behaviors and situations we’re not proud of, it can be easy to turn to shame. However, shame has very little usefulness, as it oftentimes serves to shut us down, isolate, and close ourselves off from others and our own healing.

    Seeing this reaction in myself was an indication that there was work I needed to do, something within that I needed to address.

    This situation showed me that I have spent years turning my back on this former image of myself, striving to be better, but what was still lacking was compassion and forgiveness.

    Pema Chodron describes emotional upheaval, feelings of distress, embarrassment, or anger that we assume is a spiritual faux pas, as actually being the place where the warrior learns compassion.

    When we learn to stop struggling with ourselves and dwell in the places that scare us, we are able to see and accept ourselves and others exactly as we are, complete with imperfections.

    We all act unconsciously and without consideration for others at times. When we allow ourselves to be honest about these behaviors, without the judgment of shame, we are left with remorse, which is a quality we are actually quite fortunate exists.

    Remorse can help us refine our actions and to live a more authentic life. It does not mean that we are useless and unworthy or that we made some horrible mistake beyond repair. It simply means that we are human, and that like all humans, we are in a learning process.

    Remorse can be a sign that we are becoming more aware and that what was previously unconscious is coming into consciousness.

    However, if we move into shame and beating ourselves up, we stop ourselves in our tracks, get stuck and likely remain in the mistake, and deprive ourselves of a lesson learned and opportunity to do things differently moving forward.

    In order to keep moving forward in the face of remorse, we need to be able to find compassion and forgiveness for ourselves. We all know, however, that forgiveness cannot be forced. But if we can find the courage to open our hearts up to ourselves, forgiveness will slowly emerge.

    The simplest way I know how to do this is to, in the face of painful feelings, start by just forgiving myself for being human. This can be done with a simple breath practice.

    By bringing awareness to our experiences and acknowledging our feelings, we can then start to breathe these feelings into our hearts, allowing our breath to slowly open it up as wide as possible. And then from this place, with our breath, we can send ourselves forgiveness.

    And then, in the spirit of not dwelling, we let it go. Breathe it out and make a fresh start.

    This practice of acknowledge, forgive, and start anew doesn’t magically heal our wounds overnight and it’s not a linear process.

    I find that forgiveness is a state that we move in and out of, and will continue to revisit, oftentimes, for many years, oscillating between shame (or anger, resentment, fear, etc) and compassion. Ideally though, with practice and patience the time spent in shame will become fewer and farther between.

    If we practice this way, continuing to acknowledge, forgive, and let go, we will learn to make peace with the feelings of remorse and regret for having hurt ourselves and others. We will learn self-forgiveness and eventually, we will learn to forgive those who have harmed us too.

    Photo by Don 

  • How to Release the Painful Memories and Emotions Stored in Your Body

    How to Release the Painful Memories and Emotions Stored in Your Body

    “The cure for the pain is in the pain.” ~Rumi

    Your body keeps a physical memory of all of your experiences.

    You have lots of memories stored in your brain that you can recount at any given moment. You can recall names, faces, where the event took place, what it smelled like. But over time, these memories fade or change as time passes and we mature. However, even when the memory begins to fade from your brain, it lives on in your body in the form of physical sensations and behavior patterns.

    The body doesn’t forget.

    The events of our lives leave physiological imprints in our bodies, especially when we experience trauma or situations of extreme stress that cause the body to fight, flee, or freeze in order to cope.

    In a perfect world, we would be able to release the trauma or soothe the stress response soon after it was triggered. But we don’t live in a perfect world, so we’re all walking around with physical imprints of past experiences (good and bad) stored in our bodies. Most of us don’t know how to release them because we don’t even realize they exist!

    You may feel your body tense up when you have to ask for help or borrow money, or your face may get hot when you’re asked to speak in front of a crowd. The sensation is your body remembering.

    It’s remembering a past experience when you asked for help and it didn’t go well. Maybe someone made you feel ashamed because you “should be able to handle it yourself.” Perhaps you were called to the front of your third grade class and asked a question you didn’t know the answer to, so you felt embarrassed and humiliated.

    The body doesn’t have words to express itself, so it responds with physical sensations.

    You can forget, block, or intellectualize the memories that are stored in our brains, but how do you work through the memories being stored in your body?

    Animals shake when they experience trauma or anxiety. Think of a dog who’s been in a fight with another dog: Once the fight is over, both dogs will shake to calm their nervous systems and quiet the fight, flight, or freeze response. This enables them to move on without the physical memory of the situation.

    Humans, however, don’t naturally do this. Instead we carry our stress, anxiety, and trauma around with us every day and use food and other addictive behaviors to soothe ourselves and quiet the emotional discomfort.

    There’s nothing wrong with turning to food or other means to soothe yourself, but typically habitual behaviors provide a short-term solution, and you’ll continue to feel the discomfort until you release the memory from your body.

    I am a recovering sugar addict. I used to stuff myself with cake, cookies, and ice cream any time I felt sad, angry, or alone. The sugar high helped me cope with difficult emotions and soothed the pain of a childhood marred with stress and abuse.

    It was a behavior that eventually made me sick. Chronic yeast infections, migraines, and fatigue were the norm for ten years before I realized sugar was making me sick. I eliminated it from my diet, but the changes in my physical health were minimal.

    In order to truly heal my body, I had to address the emotional issues that caused me to self-medicate with food. I did this by creating an emotional tool-kit.

    In order to release the emotions and create a more peaceful state of being, it’s important to create an emotional tool-kit to help regulate your nervous system and soothe the discomfort.

    The first tool to put in your emotional tool-kit: non-judgment

    When you feel emotionally triggered and tempted to turn to food or other addictive behaviors for comfort, try not to judge the reaction. Our bodies are programmed to seek pleasure, not discomfort, so it’s natural to try and find something to soothe the pain and make yourself feel better.

    The need to soothe yourself with food or other means doesn’t make you a bad person—it makes you human.

    The second tool in your emotional tool-kit: permission

    Give yourself permission to feel—you have to feel it to heal it.

    Often the reason we feel the need to numb what we’re feeling is because we believe that the emotion we’re feeling isn’t allowed. We think we’re not allowed to be angry or we’re supposed to be strong, so we can’t cry.

    Giving yourself permission to feel allows you to have power over it—you control it instead of allowing it to control you, and in the process you create the space to heal.

    The healing process will bring up lots of different feelings and emotions; many will be uncomfortable. When these uncomfortable emotions come up, allow them to come up without becoming attached to them; notice them for what they are and know that there is a natural ebb and flow to them.

    It may be horribly uncomfortable initially, but allow yourself to witness them without judgment or reaction. This will allow you to respond objectively. Feelings aren’t forever. They come and go, if you let them.

    The third tool in your emotional tool-kit: release

    Now that you’ve allowed yourself to feel, it’s time to release the emotion from your body.

    You can do this by gently shaking. Start with your feet and work your way up, one body part at a time, or you can turn on a song that mirrors the way you’re feeling and sing, dance, or cry until you feel physically and emotionally satisfied. All of these things will help give the emotion a voice and move the emotion out of your body.

    Not quite ready to move your body? Grab a journal and write. No filter, no editing; leave the anger, frustration, sadness, and anything else you’re feeling on the page. Feel free to tear or safely burn the pages when you’re done as a symbolic release.

    There isn’t a one-size-fits-all way to release. There will be times when moving your body helps, and other times singing or writing will feel more effective. Choose the method that feels best to you in the moment.

    The fourth tool in your emotional tool-kit: forgiveness

    This is the most important tool in your tool-kit. In order to truly heal, you have to be able to forgive yourself.

    Beating yourself up for past transgressions isn’t productive, and certainly doesn’t make you feel good about yourself.

    Understand that no matter what situation(s) led you to numb yourself with food, drugs, sex, or your self-soothing mechanism of choice, you did the best you could with the information you had on a physical, mental, and emotional level. You dealt with your emotions in the best way that you knew how.

    Hindsight is 20/20, and it’s easy to get caught up in the “shoulda, coulda, woulda” spiral of shame when looking back on a situation. But when we’re in a state of discomfort, we don’t always have the capacity to think logically or rationally. Your brain and body respond to discomfort based on what feels like the safest option in the moment, and sometimes that means turning to habitual or addictive behaviors.

    Forgive yourself because you did the best you could at the time, and move on knowing that you have the knowledge and tools to think differently next time.

    Finally: time.

    We have a tendency to look for the quick fix, but there’s no six-hour healing elixir that can magically erase the pain and discomfort from old wounds. Healing takes time.

    Give yourself time to fill your emotional tool-kit and understand that healing is a journey—one that lasts a lifetime.

    Of course, practice makes the journey easier, but there is no perfection. There will be times when you fall back on old patterns and behaviors, when that happens reach into your emotional tool-kit and take what you need. You are equipped. You can do this.

  • Overcoming Disappointment in Work, Love, and Life (Book Giveaway)

    Overcoming Disappointment in Work, Love, and Life (Book Giveaway)

    Disappointed

    Update – The winners for this giveaway are:

    • simpleshoes
    • twylapopcorn

    When life doesn’t meet our expectations, it can devastate our sense of security, threaten our self-esteem, and leave us feeling lost, scared, and out of control. I know—I’ve been there quite a few times before.

    Like the time I moved across the country to live with a man I’d met online just a month prior, only to recognize nine months later that we were two broken people who were toxic together.

    Or the time I got involved with a multi-level marketing company, thinking I’d be a huge success, only to realize six months later I’d invested myself (and my savings) in a pyramid scheme.

    Or when I left LA with my fiancé, thinking we’d be able to live on two coasts near both of our families, only to realize after three years in limbo that we couldn’t make it work.

    When things don’t go to plan, we feel out of control, angry with ourselves, and possibly with others. We wonder what we could have done differently and if we’ll ever be happy, now that the thing we pinned all our hopes to hasn’t worked out.

    Author Christine Hassler knows a thing or two about dealing with these kinds of life-shattering disappointments.

    In her new book Expectation Hangover: Overcoming Disappointment in Work, Love, and Life Christine addresses how to deal with disappointment on the emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual level.

    If you’re disappointed, maybe even devastated, by unmet expectations in your personal or professional life, you’ll likely appreciate the insight, wisdom, and practical exercises that pepper her book.

    It will help you reframe what’s happened and empower yourself to thrive, not in spite of your struggles, but because of them.

    I’m grateful that Christine took the time to answer some questions about her book, and that she’s offered two free copies of Expectation Hangover to Tiny Buddha readers.

    Expectation HangoverTHE GIVEAWAY

    To enter to win one of two free copies of Expectation Hangover:

    • Leave a comment below
    • For an extra entry, share this interview on Twitter or Facebook, and post a second comment with the link

    You can enter until midnight PST on Monday, May 2nd.

    *US winners will receive a physical book in the mail; winners outside the US will receive an eBook.

    THE INTERVIEW

     1. Tell us a little about yourself and what inspired you to write this book.

    My own expectation hangovers and work as a life coach, spiritual counselor, author, and teacher inspired me to write the book.

    I noticed people’s greatest suffering happens when their realities don’t match up with their expectations and/or when life throws them an unwanted curveball that leaves them with what I call an “expectation hangover.”

    Most of us want to get over disappointment ASAP, but we often miss a big opportunity for positive change with that approach. What expectation hangovers offer us is a way to become more responsible for our own lives.

    Disappointment isn’t a bad thing, or even something to be avoided. In fact, my greatest disappointments have lead to my greatest successes.

    Today I am grateful for all my expectation hangovers, from leaving my successful career as a Hollywood agent at twenty-five to being in debt to health issues to my divorce, and inspired to teach people how to leverage their expectation hangovers!

    2. How do you define an expectation hangover?

    An expectation hangover is the myriad of undesirable feelings or thoughts present when one or a combination of the following things occurs:

    • A desired outcome does not occur.
    • A desired outcome does occur, but does not produce the feelings or results we expected.
    • Our personal and/or professional expectations are unmet by ourselves or another.
    • An undesired, unexpected event occurs that is in conflict with what we want or planned.

    Some examples:

    • A career path that was planned and executed with precision becomes tainted with doubt and lackluster.
    • A relationship with “the one” suddenly becomes the one thing we can’t get right.
    • A salary or promotion that was counted on is not a reality.
    • A home that was dreamed about still remains a fantasy.
    • A pregnancy that is wished for isn’t happening.
    • A parent who we could always lean on suddenly isn’t there anymore.
    • A lover or spouse leaves.
    • An illness interrupts our life.
    • A job and the financial security that came with it is gone.

    And then there are expectation hangovers that are more spiritual in nature that happen when we have checked off everything on our life checklist and still experience a lack of fulfillment.

    The symptoms are similar, but far more miserable and lasting, to those caused by a hangover from alcohol: lethargy, depression, lack of motivation, confusion, denial, anger, poor work performance, diminished creativity, strained relationships, social withdrawal, low self-esteem, regret, and a disconnection from a higher power.

    While suffering from an expectation hangover, we are typically caught up in regretting the past or latching on to something we think will make us feel better. We’d do anything to end our suffering—the problem is we just don’t know what that is.

    Expectation hangovers usually fall into one of the following three categories:

    Situational Expectation Hangovers 

    These occur when something does not turn out the way we wanted or we do not get the anticipated satisfaction from achieving a result.

    Interpersonal Expectation Hangovers

    This kind of expectation hangover occurs when we are let down by someone else or unpleasantly surprised by the actions of another.

    Self-Imposed Expectation Hangovers

    These occur when we do not live up to the standards or goals we have set for ourselves. In other words, we are disappointed in ourselves and the results we’ve achieved or failed to achieve.

    3. What are some of the most common unhealthy ways we cope with expectation hangovers, and what are healthy ways we can begin to treat an expectation hangover?

    It takes a lot more than two aspirin, some greasy food, and staying inside with the lights low to treat an expectation hangover! Because we don’t like feeling bad, we look for an external way to ease the discomfort.

    Rebound relationships; abrupt career changes; miscalculated risks; “over-ing” in the form of drinking, gambling, sex, drugs, work, or shopping so much so that it becomes an addiction; and numbing oneself with something like television are common.

    The first step to treating your expectation hangover is to get yourself out of any kind of victim thinking.

    “Why is this happening to me” is the wrong question to ask. Ask instead, “What am I learning? and “How is this happening for me?” That simple shift in questioning will rescue you from sinking into the quick sand of victimhood and hopelessness.

    Next, keep your mind out of judgment, regret, and shoulda/coulda/woulda thinking. Remember, you did the best you could. You didn’t do anything wrong. Your worth and value are not attached to anything or anyone external.

    Security from any outside source is an illusion—your ultimate “safety” is in love. Surrender is much sweeter than being addicted to control. And again, you didn’t do anything wrong. Really, you didn’t, and neither did anyone else.

    Which brings us to the next step—to forgive. Forgiveness does not mean you condone or agree with what happened or didn’t happen. It means you are in acceptance and letting go of judgments you are holding toward yourself or anyone else.

    4. You talk about “spiritual bypasses” in Chapter Two—immediately jumping to the blessings of a disappointing situation. How can this be harmful? 

    It can be harmful because we may miss an opportunity for healing and change on the emotional, mental, and behavioral levels.

    Yes, every situation has a blessing, and a lot of time that blessing can come in the form of a lesson. If we do not pause to ask, “What am I learning?” and immediately skip to finding the silver lining, we miss out on a deeper opportunity.

    Spiritual bypass also skips the emotional level. We are humans and we feel. It is natural to feel sadness or anger in response to an incredibly challenging situation. Not allowing ourselves to feel can lead to suppression in the disguise of being spiritual.

    To me, part of being spiritual is also welcoming and having deep compassion for the human experience. Spirituality is not just about being positive; it’s about being raw, real, and vulnerable with what we are authentically experiencing.

    5. How, exactly, can we leverage our expectation hangovers for growth and fulfillment?

    Instead of continuing to feel emotionally hungover, you can break the cycle and use those tough times as a catalyst for change.

    That’s not to say you can’t grieve over a loss or express disappointment: Allow yourself to be human, don’t judge yourself, and don’t feel like you need to “fix” things right away. But when life throws you a curveball, you can learn from it and ultimately grow from it.

    Here are three common scenarios that I have seen—and have experienced myself—and how to cope with each.

    A Relationship Ends

    First of all, realize that no one else can be the source of your happiness. The post-breakup period is an important time to work on yourself rather than outsource that responsibility to someone else.

    Second, take off the rose-colored glasses. A lot of people put their past relationships on a pedestal. But if a person breaks up with you, you don’t want to be with that person. And we know it’s tough, but you should stop all contact with your ex (unless you have children together).

    Relationships have expiration dates, just like the yogurt in your fridge. Women tend to have these expectations that we are meant to meet someone, be chosen, be proposed to, and when that doesn’t happen, we feel like a failure. But that’s not true—you learned what you were supposed to learn from that person, you didn’t do anything wrong; it was just meant to end.

    And remember: A breakup is always a transformational door that opens to improve yourself and nurture your spirit.

    A New Job Isn’t All It’s Cracked Up to Be

    At twenty-five, I had climbed the ranks in LA’s entertainment industry, ending up in a big job with a big office, an assistant, an expense account, and power lunches. But I was miserable every day, and finally I quit, and eventually discovered my passion as a life coach.

    Ask yourself: If I don’t feel like my work is meaningful or it’s not making me feel the way I want to, how can I change it? It’s in your power to redirect your thoughts and action.

    Take someone who works at Starbucks: They could hate the drudgery of it and the early hours, or they could appreciate the aroma of coffee and the fact they get to connect with people all day long. It’s all in the way you look at that, and you need to be proactive about it.

    You’re Not Reaching Your Health Goals

    If you’re trying to lose weight, you know how frustrating it can be when the scale doesn’t budge, or you skipped your workout (again). To overcome this pessimistic mindset, be mindful of the “story” that you’re telling yourself.

    When people try to lose weight, they tend to have a negative self-image. They’re eating right and working out, but their negative self-talk is still weighing them down. Plus, a big part of losing weight isn’t only physical—you have to heal your heartache or emotional baggage before you can make other physical changes, she notes.

    There is also an entire section in the book called “Quick-fixes that work” in terms of preventing disappointment, so I’ll share my two favorites:

    Don’t go to a Chinese restaurant when you are craving nachos.

    In other words, be realistic about your expectations of others. Too often we expect people to act the way we desire or the way we would in a situation, when they are just not capable or willing. Period. End of story. You can’t change them. When we understand we cannot change people, and accept them rather than expect something from them, we prevent expectation hangovers.

    Gorge on gratitude.

    Expectation hangovers happen when we pay too much attention to what is either not happening at all or not happening in the way we’d like it to.

    When we shift our focus to the amazing things in our lives—people, health, a place to live, and all the unexpected wonderful surprises the Universe delivers on a daily basis—we move out of a lack-mentality and into an abundant view of the world

    6. Can you elaborate a little on how disappointments can actually be blessings in disguise?

    Often life has to throw us a curveball (or several) so that we look in a different direction. The problem becomes when we desperately try to dodge the curveball, attempting to get out of feeling uncomfortable, and we miss the lessons that are available to us.

    If things are not turning out like you had planned or want them to, that is actually really good news. The Universe has a better idea in store. But first you have to let go of the plan you have been attached to so that your Higher Self and the Universe can conspire for you.

    Instead of thinking about how to treat an expectation hangover, consider how you can leverage it. This goes back to what I mentioned before—ask yourself, “What am I learning?” rather than “Why is this happening?”

    Think about some of the most inspirational people you know. I guarantee you that part of what makes them so inspirational are the expectation hangovers they have been through. They leveraged their hangovers for their growth and learning. Instead of trying to snooze through the alarm of disappointment, they woke up!

    Your expectation hangovers are gifts. Each one has been an opportunity to let go of something external that you have clung to for worth, safety, or love.

    I really get that disappointment is not at the top of your wish list. However, if you learn how to respond to expectation hangovers from the perspective of a student rather than a sufferer, I 100% guarantee you will walk through doorways of transformation that will lead you to more love.

    FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site. 

    You can learn more about Expectation Hangover or grab a copy on Amazon here.

  • Natural Beauty Is Accepting Yourself, Just as You Are

    Natural Beauty Is Accepting Yourself, Just as You Are

    “When you are balanced and when you listen and attend to the needs of your body, mind, and spirit, your natural beauty comes out.” ~Christy Turlington

    It wasn’t until I stopped wearing makeup that I realized the hypocrisy in every “natural beauty” ad. Be natural, wear a mask, they say. Unleash your confidence by hiding your flaws, they say.

    If only it were so simple.

    My struggle with body image began at age five. That was the first time I threw up to make myself feel thin.

    I began to heal four years ago after I almost killed myself. All the years in between, I spent at least an hour each day putting on makeup, and all the rest of my waking hours obsessing about past and future calories and wondering if my clothes made me look fat.

    When I went natural, it wasn’t exactly a choice. I had spent so long altering and concealing myself, making sure that nothing real would show, that nothing real was left—including joy, peace, and sanity.

    I could say it was self-hatred that led me into a suicidal hole, but that self-hatred came from something else—my obsession with how I “should” be. I was so obsessed with crafting the perfect mask that I suffocated my authentic self. So, she burst out.

    To heal my fractured relationship with myself, I decided to stop hiding. I stopped putting on makeup, stopped dieting, stopped dyeing my hair. I became, truly, natural.

    I tried to focus on everything that was positive about the transition—more time, more money, more freedom. I could roll out of bed in the morning, wash my face, put on comfortable clothes, and go! But such moments of gratitude were few and far between.

    Every other moment, I was either unaware of my appearance or repulsed by it. The image in the mirror shocked me. Her eyebrows were too light and her skin too blotchy. She had pores. She had pimples.

    I kept telling myself that it was good to be natural, but when faced with my actual natural self, my mind revolted. “Not this kind of natural!” my thoughts would scream. “Aveno commercial natural! Blemish-free natural! Not this.”

    I fought those thoughts. I didn’t fight them by suppressing them. I fought them by not reacting to them—by choosing my own natural self over this fake natural self I had become so enamoured with.

    It took weeks before I got my first glimpse of beauty in the mirror, and it took years for those thoughts to stop tormenting me. One moment I would be feeling fine, but then I’d see an unflattering photo of myself, and I’d be hit with an avalanche of emotion.

    It’s like noticing that you have a bug on your face. It’s like—“Oh god, that’s disgusting! How long has that even been there?” Your skin crawls. Your heart races. You feel like you’re dirty.

    It’s just like that, but it wasn’t a bug. It was my entire body. My face. Just me. Disgusting. Has it always been like this? Get it off me. Now.

    For so long, I was trying to get myself off me, to destroy any evidence of myself from myself. To recover from these behaviors was as difficult as recovering from any addiction. Self-judgment is a cancer. It doesn’t heal overnight.

    And as I was learning to love myself, I began to realize just how unhelpful the culture around me was to my healing process. I would hear people around me saying things like, “I hope my children look nothing like me.” And, “I just want to cut this stupid fat off my body.” And everyone would nod. Yes, that’s how it is. That’s how we feel.

    The more I became accustomed to my own natural image in the mirror, the more I recognized its absence from the world around me. From the ninety-year-old woman in the grocery store with thick lipstick stuck in the crevices of her wrinkled lips, to the teenager in the bathroom with anxious eyes desperately rubbing concealer onto her chin, I saw the search for beauty rather than the acceptance of it. And there is nothing natural about that.

    Struggling to become naturally beautiful is like struggling to become a human being. We already are human. We already are naturally beautiful.

    Beauty has been ours all along, even though it was stolen, packaged, and sold back to us. We just want back what’s ours. But we can’t buy natural beauty any more than we can buy natural hair or natural toes. The moment we make a purchase, it’s not natural anymore.

    The beauty companies have been criticized inside and out, and I’m not here to be another voice of opposition. I’m here to be a voice of encouragement to that part of you that’s tired of trying to be someone you’re not.

    If you want to feel naturally beautiful, you have to let yourself be naturally beautiful.

    You have to leave yourself alone and learn to accept what is there—warts, stretch marks, and all. It won’t be easy, but compulsively trying to fix yourself isn’t easy either. The difference is that self-acceptance will one day heal you, while self-judgment never will.

    And you aren’t the only one you’ll help. By accepting yourself, you will be another image of real natural beauty in our culture. By liberating yourself, you will liberate others. You will change the world.