Tiny Buddha

Category: healthy habits

  • Enter to Win $500 at Thrive Market (A New Online Health Food Store)

    Enter to Win $500 at Thrive Market (A New Online Health Food Store)

    Thrive_FB_Banner

    Have you ever noticed that unhealthy food is a lot cheaper and easier to get than healthy food? You can zip through a drive thru and get an entire meal off the dollar menu without losing more than five minutes or five bucks.

    Because I was busy and on a budget, I formerly ate a steady diet of processed, packaged food, which did very little for my energy level.

    I didn’t realize at the time how poorly I was meeting my nutritional needs, or how I was poisoning my body with artificial ingredients and chemicals, but I knew I frequently felt sick.

    Still, I didn’t love the idea of stocking up at “Whole Paycheck,” as my friends called a well-known health food store.

    Since I now know that I can only function well if I eat well, I was thrilled to discover Thrive Market, a recently launched online store that sells health food at wholesale prices everyone can afford.

    About Thrive Market

    Thrive Market’s merchandising team works directly with brands to purchase natural, healthy foods and products at wholesale prices—which are 25−50% lower than the products sell for in physical stores.

    They don’t sell generic products you won’t recognize. They sell the same products you’d find at your local health food store, only cheaper.

    You can stock up on everything you need, including GMO-free food, snacks, vitamins, supplements, personal care products, cleaning supplies, beauty products, kitchen staples, pantry essentials, baby food and products, and more.

    Thrive Market doesn’t earn money by marking up prices; instead, they charge a low annual fee of $59.95 (less than $5 per month). I was pleased to see that I saved more than this on my first order.

    Since they offer a free one-month membership, you can give it a try yourself—at no cost—and see if your savings are equally substantial. And if, like me, you spend over $49, the shipping is free.

    For every paid membership, Thrive Market donates a membership to a low-income family, supporting their mission to make healthy food accessible to all.

    Equally notable, they make all packaging, boxes, and inserts using recyclable paper.

    I don’t promote a lot of products on Tiny Buddha because I would never recommend anything I didn’t personally utilize and enjoy. But I feel good about shopping at Thrive Market, and I’m excited to partner with them for an exclusive giveaway for Tiny Buddha readers.

    The Giveaway

    From now through Sunday, April 12th, you can enter to win $500 at Thrive Market by entering your email address here. Fifteen second-place winners will receive a free annual membership.

    After entering, you’ll receive a confirmation email offering you 15% off your first order. You’ll also see an option to share the giveaway on Facebook for an extra entry.

    —

    I hope you enjoy shopping at Thrive Market as much as I have!

  • Why Positive Thinking Didn’t Work for Me

    Why Positive Thinking Didn’t Work for Me

    Yoga

    “See the positive side, the potential, and make an effort.” ~Dalai Lama

    I was a perfectionist growing up, always trying to bang my flawed round-shaped self into a perfect square hole that couldn’t possibly contain me.

    In my early twenties, I decided to focus on personal development—a positive thing, I assumed.

    I figured if I worked on improving a little every day and nurturing a positive mindset, I’d feel a lot better about myself than I did when I got down on myself for my flaws. 

    I didn’t take into consideration that I might become a perfectionist about positivity.

    That I might catch negative thinking and feel guilty about it instead of letting it go and moving into a more positive space.

    That I might muster every piece of my will to avoid negative feelings and end up over-thinking them instead of simply feeling them and letting them pass.

    For most of my life, I’ve fought reality. I didn’t like the way people responded to me, so I tried to manipulate their perception. I didn’t like the world around me, so I tried to control it. I didn’t like the world within me, so I tried to escape it. (more…)

  • 40 Ways to Give Yourself a Break

    40 Ways to Give Yourself a Break

    “Health is the greatest possession. Contentment is the greatest treasure. Confidence is the greatest friend.” ~Lao Tzu

    It’s common among overachiever types: We like to push ourselves.

    Sometimes it’s to get from A to B. Sometimes it’s to create the illusion of change when really, you’re just spinning your wheels. Sometimes it’s simply to avoid standing still and accepting the moment as it is.

    All that pushing can feel so smart and productive—until you’re exhausted, overextended, overwhelmed, or otherwise ready to snap. I’ve felt all these things before.

    There are days when I try to be everything to everyone and do more than I can reasonably accomplish, but I know there’s only so much my body, mind, and spirit can take.

    Since it never seems to work to shout, “Stop the world, I want to get off,” I’ve come up with a few simple ways to give myself a break when I need it.

    If you feel physically, mentally, emotionally, or even digitally exhausted, these tips may help: (more…)

  • Stop Crash Dieting: An Enjoyable Approach to Sustainable Weight Loss

    Stop Crash Dieting: An Enjoyable Approach to Sustainable Weight Loss

    Woman in the Park

    “It is better to take many small steps in the right direction than to make a great leap forward only to stumble backward.” ~Proverb

    You wouldn’t believe it now, but in my college days I did my fair share of crash diets.

    The craziest was the one where I tried (and failed) to eat nothing but oranges for nine days. My roommate’s ex’s dad was a veterinarian, and after the good doctor lost fifteen pounds on the same high vitamin C, high fiber, non-sense diet, I decided to try it for myself.

    It was based on a specific number of daily oranges to keep your metabolism and energy levels up. Orange juice was off limits, but I could season the slices with my favorite chili powder to mix it up a bit.

    I was off to a good start and enjoying the attention from friends who couldn’t hide their disbelief or their laughter.

    My resolve crumbled after sundown on the third day. No longer hungry, I had eight oranges to plow through before calling it a night. Instead, I ran to the cafeteria for chicken salad, and that was the end of the infamous orange diet.

    Crash dieting on oranges did nothing for my waistline, but it satisfied a deeper need. It was never about my weight or the way I looked. Crash dieting was fun; it broke the routine and more importantly, it was a distraction.

    My dad had just been diagnosed with an aggressive type of brain cancer, and these food fixations kept my thoughts on something that I could control. Instead of worrying about survival rates, I obsessed over the jeans I couldn’t fit into anymore, or how many hours I had to put in at the gym.

    For years my weight yo-yoed, stabilizing only after Dad passed away. At that point I was no longer binge eating to silence my anxiety, or dieting to lose a few pounds before putting them on again. It took two years for the weight to come off but it never returned.

    My relationship with food is still a work in progress, very much linked to my mental and emotional state of mind. Based on these experiences, I have opted for a more balanced approach to health and well-being.

    It’s about being patient, mindful of our impulses, and compassionate in our self-talk. The word “diet” has no place in my vocabulary. Rather, I take the middle road, eating almost anything in moderation. A few thoughts to consider include:

    1. Is it hunger you’re feeding, or something else?

    Dieting is useless unless we deal with the emotional and psychological issues that lie beneath. Anxiety over my dad’s illness fuelled my crash diets and binge eating. Think about the need that is being filled.

    Are you bored, stressed, or just looking for love in a chocolate bar? Is there a healthier way to satisfy that need? Knowing yourself is the first step; this is where a healthy dose of introspection will come in handy.

    There is plenty of reading material on emotional eating. My favorite so far is Doreen Virtue’s book, Constant Craving.

    2. Focus on maintenance instead of weight loss.

    The weight came off when I began eating as if I were already at my goal weight. That slice of chocolate cake was no longer the enemy. I could treat myself in moderation, so long as I listened to my body and stopped when I was full.

    This approach enabled me to make peace with my appetite. It also made exercise fun again, because I went to the gym when I wanted to, no guilt trips included.

    Pushing ourselves at the gym may be a popular option, but finding an activity that we genuinely enjoy makes staying fit so much easier. Whether it’s kickboxing classes, jogging, or ballroom dancing, make sure you have fun and get those sessions in regularly!

    3. Educate, love, and accept yourself fully.

    Buddhist philosophy teaches that ignorance, attachment, and aversion are the three downfalls of human nature. All too often we fall victim to the illusions of the mind, especially where loving and accepting our physical body is concerned.

    Taken to the extreme, wanting to lose weight because we dislike our current size can involve both attachment to an unattainable ideal and hatred of what is. It’s time we release the need to be perfect, love and accept ourselves for who we are, and make informed food and lifestyle choices.

    4. Follow the middle road.

    In my previous life as a crash dieter, my food choices were anything but moderate. Rich and creamy desserts may not have been my friends, but that didn’t keep me away. Trying to avoid that chocolate cake only made it so much harder.

    Instead of avoiding certain foods because of their perceived sugar, fat, or carb contents, let’s think about the big picture. No single food choice is responsible for our health and well-being, rather it’s the combination of foods we eat, and how they are processed, that makes a difference over time.

    This is where we can use knowledge and patience to our advantage, consulting with a qualified nutritionist to develop a healthy and satisfying nutrition plan that can last much longer than a simple New Year’s Resolution or a crash diet.

    5. There’s no time like the present!

    Start today! Don’t put your new life off to Monday, January 1st, or any other mental milestone. And remember that you are not sacrificing anything. Think of this approach as spicing up your meals with a dash of conscious moderation.

    Woman in the park image via Shutterstock

  • The Power of Starting Small and Not Needing to Be the Best

    The Power of Starting Small and Not Needing to Be the Best

    Start Now

    “Better to do something imperfectly than to do nothing flawlessly.” ~Robert H Schuller

    I have tried for so long to build a meditation habit. Seriously, it’s been one of my biggest goals for more than a decade.

    And I’ve tried really hard. I’ve read books, I’ve taken classes, I’ve made accountability charts, I’ve set SMART goals; I’ve done it all.

    Sometimes, I’ll fall into a good rhythm, and I might make it onto my mat three or four days in a row. Then sometimes, three whole months will go by without me managing to do it at all.

    So what gives? Why can’t I make it happen? What am I doing wrong, after ten years of trying?

    I decided to dig deeper into what was happening inside my poor little monkey mind that might be hindering my progress.

    It took me by surprise when I realized that no matter what my practice has actually looked like over the years, whether I’d been totally diligent or utterly neglectful, there had been one constant the entire time: I’ve always felt like I needed to be the best at meditation.

    Yep, that’s the phrase that actually popped into my mind, word for word, when I tried to unpack what was going on: the best at meditation.

    I know what you’re thinking: What does that even mean? How can you be “the best” at something like meditation?

    And let me tell you, I know how dumb it sounds. Meditation, by its very nature, is about not having attachment to such things as results or outcomes. I mean, it’s about being in the moment, not about getting an A+ rating or a bunch of gold-stars.

    And yet I felt like I needed to be awesome at it. To be better than others. To bypass beginner status and immediately step into the category of “expert.”

    I kept getting this image in my head: me, perched perfectly still in lotus position, the dawn sunshine on my face, wind blowing gently in my beautifully beachy hair, my outfit crisp and white, and my face a perfect vision of peace and tranquility.

    (Never mind that I am not a morning person, that the lotus position gives me pins and needles, that my hair is more bushy than beachy, and that I don’t even own any crisp white clothes.)

    When I dug deeper, I realized there was a follow-on thought from my attachment to this vision and my need for achievement: If I couldn’t be awesome at meditation, if I couldn’t achieve perfection… there was no point.

    That was my unconscious thought pattern.

    Which was why I always aimed for ridiculously long sessions; if I didn’t have a full thirty minutes to devote to it, what was the point?

    It was why I was so disappointed if my mind wandered; if I didn’t give an A+ performance, what was the point?

    It is why I’d feel like a failure if I didn’t do it first thing in the morning (even though my late-night work sessions made that completely impractical); if I hadn’t done a dawn session, what was the point?

    And it was why I would get so down on myself if I missed a single day; if I couldn’t keep a perfect score card, what on earth was the point?

    All in all, it’s no wonder I haven’t been able to make this habit stick. At every step of the journey, I’ve been psyching myself out of making any progress by expecting supreme, utter perfection.

    In the past, this type of thinking has reared its head in other areas of my life too: if I can’t go to the gym for at least a full hour, there’s no point, right?

    If I can’t eat 100% healthy for the rest of the week, I may as well write the next few days off, yeah?

    And if I can’t fit in a long, uninterrupted stretch of writing time, there’s no point pulling out my notebook at all, amiright?!

    Thankfully, over the years I’ve become aware of these perfectionist tendencies, and have developed a few mental strategies and ninja tricks to overcome them. (Don’t have time for a full gym session? Do half an hour of power yoga in the lounge room instead. Revolutionary, huh?)

    But it’s taken me oh-so-long to realize that I was also doing it in my meditation practice; that I was letting my pursuit of perfection hold me back from inner peace.

    Now that I know, I’m trying to let go of all expectations on myself when it comes to gettin’ my Zen on. In fact, my meditation sessions these days have been pared right back to the simplest, most achievable, most non-perfect thing I could think of.

    Want to know what that looks like? (Prepare yourself for the profoundness!)

    Two minutes of meditation, every one or two days.

    That’s it.

    And, if I haven’t managed to pull it off during the day, I do it in the shower at night, just before I go to bed (yep, standing there, suds and all, with not a lotus position in sight).

    It’s minimal, it’s manageable, and it’s achievable. It’s also effective for quieting my monkey mind and giving me the tiny pockets of peace and stillness I crave so much.

    I’m now on my fourth week of this new approach, and I’m happy to report that by releasing my expectations of perfection. In fact, by embracing the fact that I am going to mess up, and by giving myself some wiggle room and a short-cut to get around it, I’ve actually been more mindful in the past month than I’ve been for a really long time.

    And I’ve definitely ended up with more time spent on the mat through these little baby steps than when I was aiming for giant, dramatic leaps.

    It’s been an eye-opening lesson, and one that I’m very grateful for.

    So now I want to ask you, dear one, are you letting perfection hold you back from achieving something you really want?

    Could you cut yourself a break and aim for “okay” instead of “awesome”? It might sound counterintuitive in our culture of comparison and perfection, but the results might just take you by surprise.

    Start now image via Shutterstock

  • 6 Compelling Reasons To Spend Some Time Alone

    6 Compelling Reasons To Spend Some Time Alone

    “There are times when alone is the best place to be.” ~Unknown

    Some people think it’s awful to spend time alone—that it means you’re antisocial or no one needs you.

    Some people feel sad and lonely when they don’t have company every evening or weekend.

    But being alone doesn’t mean that no one needs you. And it can actually be quite useful to take some time to yourself.

    I am almost thirty. This is an age when you start to rethink your whole life, trying to understand what you should change or improve, what you should do next, and what specifically you need in your life.

    I felt this way a couple of months ago.

    I thought I’d achieved nothing in my almost thirty years, and I felt I should have changed something but couldn’t figure out what or how.

    I had to cope with my feelings, but the everyday chaos of my life didn’t allow me time to concentrate on myself.

    The decision came like a bolt from the blue—to spend some time completely alone.

    When you’re alone, nothing prevents you from listening to your inner voice, heart, and mind.

    Here are a few other benefits of spending time in solitude.

    1. It’s a great opportunity to recharge.

    We often try to make people around us happy and help them work through their feelings. This can be emotionally draining.

    For example, I have one friend who lives abroad, who comes online to talk to me only when she feels bad and wants to share all her problems with me. It takes a lot of energy and makes me sad and frustrated.

    Time spent alone helped me take a break from constant interaction with other people so I could recharge.

    2. It’s a good time to think and reflect.

    Life moves at a crazy speed. It doesn’t often give us time to stop and reflect. When alone, you have a great opportunity to focus on yourself.

    Thanks to my voluntary solitude, I had a chance to question whether I was moving in the right direction, I’ve realized what I should change in my life, and I’ve finally found time to relax and meditate.

    3. It’s a chance to understand what really makes you happy.

    When you spend time with other people, you often have to make compromises. There’s always a chance that what you want may not coincide with others’ wishes. When you’re alone, it’s only you who decides what to do.

    Do you want to spend the whole day lying on the beach? Go! Do you want to visit that contemporary art exhibition? There’s no reason to skip it. As for me, I’ve finally visited the city of my dreams, Prague. None of my friends ever had the time, money, or desire to go with me, but that no longer mattered.

    4. It makes you more productive.

    It can be fun and exciting to spend time with friends, but it can also distract you from things that are important to you, like exercise, hobbies, a long-delayed book, and unfinished work.

    Spending some time alone can be a good opportunity to make progress toward your personal goals.

    5. It makes you more self-reliant.

    We often seek approval from friends, colleagues, and family members before we take action or make a decision. There are times when it’s necessary to do this, but there are also times when it’s possible to act without consulting others first.

    When you’re alone, you’ll learn how to make decisions without anyone’s help. This was difficult for me at first, but in time I became more self-reliant.

    6. It teaches you to value people who are close to you.

    When you regularly take time for yourself, it becomes even more enjoyable to engage with others, as you’ve given yourself time and space to miss their company.

    Don’t be afraid of being alone. Very often it helps us understand who we are, what we want, and what we can do to become better people.

  • Stop Pushing Yourself: 10 Crucial Steps to Avoid Burnout

    Stop Pushing Yourself: 10 Crucial Steps to Avoid Burnout

    “I actually think burnout is the wrong description of it. I think it’s ‘burn up.’ Physiologically, that is what you are doing because of the chronic stress being placed on your body.” ~Richard Boyatzis

    Some years ago, when my mother told me that a friend of hers had experienced burnout, I didn’t really listen. Actually, I didn’t want to hear about it. I even felt irritated because she felt sorry for people who got burned out.

    My opinion was that they were just being ridiculous and exaggerating.

    It was an excuse, supported by a medical certificate from some doctor they knew well, so that they could stay home, plant basil in the garden, drink tea, and read good books in front of the fire. They were simply lazy folks who just couldn’t be bothered working.

    Some lessons are learned the hard way. Others, really hard. A last few change you for life.

    For me, burnout was life-changing; it turned my aggressive skepticism into factual knowledge. Almost annihilated by the beast of burnout, I’ve recovered, humbled and grateful to be alive.

    The other day I sat down and flipped through my journals from the past years. It was overwhelming. I felt so heartbreakingly sad for myself, for what I’ve put myself through.

    There was page after page of me worrying about alarming issues and symptoms I was experiencing, for a period of several years. There were lists of points I raised with my doctor, trying to figure out what was wrong with me. He kept saying the same thing over and over, but it was impossible for me to take it in.

    He said, “Be careful, Mrs. Torneryd. You have all the symptoms of a textbook burnout.” My answer was always the same: “I cannot get burned out. It can’t happen to me; I’m not that type of person.”

    Some of the points from my diary:

    • When in bed, I can’t remember if I’ve brushed my teeth.
    • I feel panic while driving; other cars are getting too close to me.
    • My skin is a mess, and my hair looks dead.
    • I’ve experienced three double-sided pneumonias over the past eleven months.
    • I have constant ringing in my ears.
    • Even when I sleep, I don’t let my head rest on the pillow.
    • I wake up around twenty times per night (cramp, sweat, pee).
    • I feel pressure over my chest, and I can’t breathe properly.
    • My heart is very often offbeat.
    • My intestines are destroyed; I look eight months pregnant ten minutes after every meal. I even pooped myself in the super-market—with no premonition.
    • My gallstones are stuck in the bile duct, requiring surgery.

    I was in a constant state of “I can’t do this anymore,” but there was nothing major I could change for instant relief. It was a combination of circumstances: the aftermath of bad choices, my workload, and my competitive character.

    Every part of me—body, mind, and soul—was desperate to stop the life-drenching feeling of having nothing left in me to give or take from. I was wasted, worn-out, and destroyed.

    Even so, I just kept going, repeating to myself, “When you’re down and out, there’s always 20% of your strength left” (a quote from martial art trainer). And I kept using my remaining strength over and over again.

    People talk about “hitting the wall.” I hit that wall about five years ago—full speed, head first.

    Since then, I’ve been forcing forward through concrete, screws, electric wires, and bricks. Then it happened: I made it through that thick wall, only to realize that on the other side was nothing but a fathomless, evil black hole. I fell until I crash landed, and then there was nothing left of me.

    On the 17th of February 2014, my body collapsed. I had my first full-blown panic attack, immediately followed by a second one.

    At first, it felt like my spine muscle cramped. I tried stretching and rubbing against a door post, in vain. I couldn’t breathe properly.

    My lungs started pumping frenetically, and I could do nothing to stop it. It felt like I was suffocating. I seriously thought that I was having a heart attack and would die. Eventually, I passed out.

    I finally accepted the message my body had been trying to communicate to me for years—I needed to make monumental changes in my situation, then and there, or I would lose my sanity, at the least.

    For the first four weeks of my sick leave, I did nothing but sleep. It was not by choice. I simply collapsed—on the sofa, my bed, and even on the floor. I just couldn’t stay awake.

    After the sleep marathon came sadness. I felt so incredibly sad, alone, and abandoned. I felt betrayed by society and my employer.

    When I didn’t feel any more sadness, I started my healing journey to peace and acceptance and began reading self-help books. Every day I made an effort to rescue myself.

    Eventually, a shift took place. Step-by-step, I built myself a ladder, careful not to go back to the wall I’d fallen out of, and I started to see the light at the top of that horrid black hole.

    You don’t need to push yourself to this point—not if you follow these steps to avoid an imminent burnout:

    1. Accept your limits.

    It is not admirable to push yourself when your body and mind beg you to stop.

    2. Clarify major energy thieves and avoid them.

    Limit your contact with people who drain you, make hurtful comments, and complain. Pay your bills on time. Clean your home so you feel calm there, not stressed and surrounded by chaos. Eat fresh food and spend less time distracting yourself with technology.

    3. Value yourself first.

    Fear of rejection is also self-rejection; stop worrying about others’ opinions.

    4. Get support and perspective.

    Trust someone close with your feelings and challenges.

    5. Ask for help.

    It actually feels quite wonderful to receive.

    6. Make choices that are good for you and make you happier, healthier, and stronger.

    Get enough sleep to keep cortisol (the stress hormone) levels down, and don’t skip breakfast!

    7. Get twenty minutes of sun every day.

    This gives your body the Vitamin D it needs to function properly, though you can also get it from a supplement.

    8. Get low-impact exercise three times per week.

    When we exercise, the brain releases the “happy hormone” endorphin.

    9. Don’t push yourself too far for the sake of progress.

    Strive to improve, but never push yourself if you feel it’s hurting you.

    10. Never ignore your intuition.

    Listen to your body and do all you can to be kind to yourself.

    Obviously, burnout is not some fake thing lazy folks pretend to have so they can stay home from work.

    It is a force that can knock you out completely, making it difficult to deal with the simplest of tasks, like taking a shower or cooking a meal; and almost impossible to handle normal things, like leaving your home, shopping for food, and answering phone calls.

    I officially apologize for all my previously judgmental thoughts on this area.

    You don’t get burned out because you’re too weak. You get burned out because you’ve tried to stay strong for way too long!

  • A Change That Leads to Unconditional Self-Confidence

    A Change That Leads to Unconditional Self-Confidence

    Confident Pose

    “Kindness in words creates confidence.” ~Lao Tzu

    Does your life feel like an endless experience of struggle and stress? That while you have moments of reprieve, they are transient and short lived?

    It may be that the problem lies with your confidence—in your belief in your ability to bring about successful outcomes when you experience challenges.

    For many of us, our attitudes toward ourselves continually undermine our confidence.

    That was my experience for most of my life. My confidence was dependent on how I felt I was doing.

    If I did well, I felt good. If I struggled, I lost confidence very quickly.

    It didn’t seem to matter how many times I succeeded, doubting myself was just one slip up away. And I was exceptionally hard on myself when I failed.

    So I drove myself harder and harder. I overworked. I was determined not to feel that awful feeling of not being good enough. So I read, studied, and experienced. My confidence was always on the other side of the next book, course, or program.

    Until I burned out.

    I couldn’t keep up the pace. And I’m so grateful for that. Recovering from the health difficulties that come with burnout required that I change the way I was relating to myself and challenge the basic assumptions that I was making about what I was capable of.

    I had to pay close attention on a minute-by-minute basis to the choices I was making and my self-talk. How was I treating myself? How did I respond when I made mistakes?

    Most of us have been taught to have conditional confidence. We can feel good and confident when things are going well, but we struggle to keep motivated when things are hard. We are hard on ourselves when we slip up. We are critical, judgmental, and harsh.

    So we up the effort. We overwork, over-prepare, needing to keep ahead of the possibility of failure that we imagine is just around the corner.

    We become anxious and risk-averse. When we experience success, we don’t fully allow ourselves to experience the joy of accomplishment.

    Changing our attitude toward ourselves is the key to building confidence that is not dependent on external signs of success. An unshakable confidence that allows us to be resilient in the face of adversity and to trust ourselves enough to keep taking the next step, even when circumstances look dismal.

    Imagine that you could go through life trusting in your capability, in your ability to meet the challenges in a way that could bring about a successful outcome.

    What a relief that would be!

    Instead of trying to control the world and avoid failure, you could take risks and stretch yourself outside of your comfort zone. When you made mistakes (which you inevitably will as part of the growth and learning process) you would pick yourself up quickly, acknowledge yourself for your effort, and make any changes that we needed, based on your new learning.

    And you would keep going.

    Life would be full of possibility and hope.

    So how can you do that?

    Changing your attitude toward yourself is essentially about changing habits. So it requires patience, attention, and effort.

    Kristin Neff, self-compassion researcher, believes that changing from self-criticism to self-compassion is the key to resilience in the face of challenge.

    People who respond to themselves with compassion are far less likely to be depressed or anxious, and they have greater confidence in their ability to succeed.

    Self-compassion involves three components:

    • Being kind and caring toward yourself rather than harshly self-critical
    • Framing imperfection in terms of the shared human experience
    • Seeing things clearly without ignoring or exaggerating problems.

    How to Become Kinder to Yourself

    1. Start by noticing the way you speak to yourself.

    Especially when you slip up (in your eyes). Increasing your awareness of existing patterns is an important first step. Don’t be tempted to skip it. Most of us want to rush ahead and make changes instantly.

    2. Gently start practicing a different response.

    This may seem a bit silly at first, depending on how deeply entrenched your critical and judgmental response is. Mine was very well practiced, so it did feel awkward for a long time. But do persist. Even tiny changes can make a huge difference to how you feel and what you are able to do.

    3. Surround yourself with kind and supportive voices.

    Sometimes when you are stuck in a judgmental pattern, it can be very hard to make changes in the moment. What I found worked in these times was to have someone else hold that voice for me, so I would spend time with someone who embodied kindness, compassion, and self-acceptance.

    4. Practice, practice, practice!

    Change happens with the consistent efforts made over time, not the big once-off attempts. Stay with this; it will make all the difference in the long run.

    This is the path to unconditional confidence. Put in the effort. Pay attention and develop new ways of relating to yourself. Surround yourself with encouraging people who can help you remember your intention.

    Confident pose image via Shutterstock

  • How to Take Care of Yourself When You Feel Like Shutting Down

    How to Take Care of Yourself When You Feel Like Shutting Down

    “Displace the pain. Put it in a camera, in a story, in a poem, in a song, in a lover, in a canvas.” ~Unknown

    As an aspiring mental health counselor, I’m a huge advocate for self-care. I think it’s extremely important to educate people about the benefits of taking the time to nourish our souls and to give ourselves some TLC.

    I have several go-to ways I like to take care of myself, from practicing yoga to immersing myself in nature to writing to taking the time to mindfully apply my favorite lotion.

    I find myself engaging in these activities on days with good weather and when I’m generally happy.

    Lately, however, I’ve noticed that it’s during the times when it’s hardest to think about self-care, whether our schedules are jam-packed, we are going through a difficult time, or we just don’t feel our best, that self-care is critical. 

    It’s easy to want to do fun activities or be nice to ourselves when life is looking good, but it’s much harder to have the energy or desire to take care of ourselves when times are tough.

    But isn’t that when we most need to be our own best friends and supporters?

    This all became even clearer to me when I received devastating news not too long ago. My childhood dog, Maggie, had passed away from kidney failure at fourteen years old. My desire to cook a nice meal for myself, write in my gratitude journal, or work out went right out the window.

    All I felt was numb, and all I wanted to do was to fade into the couch and cry.

    As human beings, when we experience a grief reaction or a trauma, it’s natural for us to freeze, feel numb, or to want to retreat and isolate.

    While I believe it’s crucial that we listen to our bodies and give ourselves time to grieve, express ourselves, or react however we need to during that time (as long we aren’t causing damage to ourselves), we must also advocate for our healing and well-being.

    I’m not saying that this is easy by any means, and this process is different for everyone. It might even seem foreign, unnatural, forced, or even impossible at first to think about doing activities that are fun or require energy when we are in a state of crisis or disarray.

    As humans, we’re hardwired to want to stay in our comfort zone, but that’s not where the growth happens, nor where our optimal levels of health and happiness reside.

    Since Maggie’s passing, it’s been hard to get myself to do even basic things, such as eat full meals, and it’s been difficult to go about my day knowing at any moment I could start crying uncontrollably.

    Although it’s still very fresh, I could feel myself beginning to slip into a place that wasn’t healthy or beneficial to my well-being. I wanted to be careful not to let myself be completely overcome by the grief of losing her.

    I was thinking about how I could let myself express the emotions of heartbreak, sadness, and emptiness yet still find a way to take care of myself. The first thing that came to mind was writing.

    I’ve always been a writer at heart. My pen and paper (or these days, laptop) have gotten me through some pretty dark and challenging times. I knew that the self-care I needed at that moment was to open up a word document and just type.

    When I allowed myself to get lost in my writing, I found that my heart felt a little lighter.

    Self-care doesn’t have to be a grand gesture, and it isn’t just one thing. For some it might include booking a full day at the spa, while for others it might be much more low-key. The awesome part is, no matter what type of self-care you choose to participate in, you will receive the full benefits.

    If you’re not sure where to start and you’d like some helpful strategies, look no further. I’m no expert, but I am committed to practicing self-care. 

    Here are some tips and ideas that have been helpful for me:

    1. There is no right or wrong way to “do” self-care.

    Before you truly begin incorporating self-care into your life and feeling the benefits of it, it’s natural to wonder if you’re approaching it right. The good news is: There is no right or wrong way to engage in self-care, as long as you’re doing activities that contribute to your level of happiness or sense of well-being.

    Allow yourself to be led by your intuition of what you need.

    Practice disabling the part of yourself that wants to censor yourself or question the quality of the activities you’re doing and the work you’re producing as you’re engaging in self-care.

    If you’re writing, for instance, you can edit it later. If you’re dancing, let yourself be guided by the rhythm of your body rather than your brain trying to keep perfect time or form.

    2. Incorporate some form of self-care into your daily routine.

    You might not always have the time or energy to do a full workout or practice your favorite self-care activity, but you can find little ways to take care of yourself every day. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Even just a five or ten-minute practice can make a huge difference.

    For example, as you are waking up in the morning, take some time to repeat with confidence a positive mantra or affirmation that coincides with your goal or intention for the day. Or set aside a short window of time for deep breathing or a walk in nature. Little things can make a big difference.

    3. Consider the Wellness Wheel.

    As you begin to integrate self-care into your life or work to maintain the strategies you’ve already implemented, think about the several different types of wellness (physical, emotional, spiritual, social, intellectual, environmental, occupational).

    Take the time to understand which self-care activities are connected to the different types of wellness. This might help bring things into perspective.

    There may be times when some parts of your wheel seem more plentiful than others. If you find yourself stuck or lacking in a specific area, you can work to nurture those parts of your wellness wheel, but you can also feel grateful for the parts that are blossoming.

    4. Inform others about your self-care practices.

    If your self-care means unplugging for a day and others are going to want to contact you, you might want to let them know that you’ll be out of reach and explain why.

    It might be difficult for some people to wrap their heads around it, or you might receive some pushback (remember, change is hard). People may be used to you always being available, but for others this could be a chance to understand your needs better and hopefully provide encouragement and support.

    It might be a challenge to get into a groove with your self-care if you’re just beginning, so talking to family or close friends about the changes you’re making might spark something for them as well.

    Maybe your friends have wanted to make similar shifts, and they’d like to try it with you. Rather than hearing complaints for taking five hours instead of five minutes to answer a text, you might just inspire them to unplug too.

    5. Be gentle with yourself, and don’t forget to celebrate successes.

    Just like any change you’re trying to make in life, it doesn’t always happen immediately or all at once, but rather over time.

    If you experience a self-care setback, such as falling out of a new practice, being overcome by grief, or not dedicating as much time to it as you’d like, try your best to be gentle with yourself and use positive self-talk.

    On the other hand, if the positive changes you’re noticing seem very small, try your best to remember to celebrate your efforts and the changes you are seeing. With positivity and commitment, you’ll notice the changes might begin to get bigger, and they might last longer too.

    Self-care isn’t meant to be a quick fix to make all uncomfortable emotions disappear, and it won’t replace the difficult recovery processes we must go through when we endure trauma, experience extreme loss, or work to get out of a rut that we’re stuck in for whatever reason.

    It can, however, help us take the pain we feel and soften it, or channel it into strength or something beautiful.

    Self-care can help us feel a sense of happiness, gratitude, hope, and healing.

    So, have fun with it! Experiment so you can see which types of self-care suit you and your lifestyle. If you feel yourself getting stuck, listen to your mind, body, and intuition—they know you the best.

  • How to Listen to Your Body (and Become Happy Again)

    How to Listen to Your Body (and Become Happy Again)

    “Keeping your body healthy is an expression of gratitude to the whole cosmos—the trees, the clouds, everything.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    It’s embarrassing, isn’t it?

    You don’t want to make a fuss about tiny health annoyances.

    But you feel lethargic for no apparent reason. You get constipated, especially when you travel. You have difficulty sleeping.  And your hormones are all over the place.  You hold onto that niggly five or ten pounds like your life depends on it.

    Sound familiar? I’ve been there too.

    I was working at a dream job and living on the French Riveria. I was paid a lot of money to help Fortune 500 Companies with their IT strategies.

    I worked in cities like Paris, Dublin, London, and Manchester during the week, staying in luxury hotels and flying to my home in Nice on weekends. We partied like rock stars on the beaches, and in exclusive clubs and glamorous villas. At twenty-nine, I was a management-level executive on the cusp of becoming a partner.

    Meanwhile, my body wasn’t happy. I was chronically tired. I slept poorly. And despite daily exercise and yoga, I couldn’t figure out my weight gain.  

    I tried the radical Master Cleanse—drinking lemon juice and maple syrup for a week. But the extra weight would creep back.

    My hormones went crazy. When I stopped birth control pills, my menstrual cycles stopped. I wasn’t sure if that was the reason for my blotchy skin and depression. And the worst part was my mood. I wasn’t happy, despite all the glitzy outside trappings.

    The One Thing Most People Never Learn To Do

    Then I did something most people never learn to do: I listened.

    I felt great after practicing yoga. I took a baby step: I practiced more yoga and eventually attended teacher training sessions. Fast-forward a couple years….

    I quit my job, packed my belongings, and moved to a yoga retreat center in Thailand. The move felt natural and organic.

    I lived simply in a tiny bungalow and taught yoga retreats to tourists. And my health improved. I was sleeping well. My periods eventually returned. I felt better and better, and my sparkle returned too.

    The first and most important step is to stop and listen. Your body and mind are intimately connected. Listen to your body and you’ll learn a ton. Start with tiny steps and you’ll reach your pot of gold quicker than you’d expect.

    You can do this.

    You’d think doing so would be impossible, but it’s not. I’ll tell you how.

    But first, let’s look at three core principles that could save you.

    Don’t Make This Monumental Mistake

    Most people ignore their small but annoying health issues. Nothing about your health is inconsequential. Everything matters. Your digestion. Your ability to lose belly fat. Your bowel movements.

    You’re not alone if you want to run screaming and bury your head in the sand. How about changing your mindset?

    Rather than categorizing what is wrong with you, notice how your body throws you clues. For example, you aren’t going to the bathroom every day. Usually for a very simple reason—lack of dietary fiber. Try adding an apple and ground flax to your breakfast and see what happens.

    The Alarming Truth About Stress

    It can make or break your healthiest intentions. When we perceive danger, stress is our body’s natural response.

    For cave people, stress came when a lion was about to pounce; we needed to run like lightning.

    Under stress, we optimize our resources for survival and shutdown non-essential functions. Translation? Your digestion grinds to a halt, your sex hormones (estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone) convert to cortisol, and your blood sugar skyrockets.

    This is okay now and then. Are you in a state of constant, low-grade stress? Imagine the havoc and inner turmoil.

    A few condition-linked stresses include IBS, constipation, weight gain, insomnia, high blood sugar, and hormone irregularities—for women, missed or absent periods, severe PMS, and fertility issues. And these are just the tip of the iceberg.

    Your body and mind are like the matrix.

    The Western approach to medicine is to examine each problem separately, so you end up with a different specialist for each malady.

    In Eastern medicines, your body is a united whole rather than a constellation of unrelated parts. Your insomnia may be the result of high stress. Or your constipation and weight gain may be due to a complete absence of fiber in your diet.

    Now let’s talk about what you need to do.

    But first, I must introduce you to your personal, world-class health advocate. And it’s not your doctor, your chiropractor, or even your yoga teacher.

    It’s you.

    1. What silence can teach you about listening.

    Set aside time to listen to your own deepest wishes. I searched for answers outside of myself, looking for rigid rules and diets. I used food to shut off my thoughts. It was hard, but I gradually let my truths surface. I know you can do it too. Decide on a time, and set aside ten minutes each day. Breathe deeply and listen.

    How are you feeling physically, mentally, and emotionally?

    Have a journal nearby to jot down any thoughts. Notice what pops into your head. Bring yourself back to your breath if you start to get lost in thoughts.

    2. What would happen if you followed your passions right now?

    You can do this right now in tiny steps. Make time to do the things you love.

    How do you most want to spend each day? Write a list of your priorities and brainstorm easy solutions.

    Exercise: wake up twenty minutes earlier. Do a series of sit-ups, push-ups, leg lifts, squats, etc.

    Time with your children: say no to superfluous activities—committees, boards, etc.

    More creative time: schedule your time on weekends for writing, painting, or whatever you love.

    Treat it like a priority appointment.

    When I worked at a corporate job, I’d wake early to practice yoga at home before work. I didn’t miss the sleep, and I was much more productive and happier during the day. I couldn’t control the rest of the day, but I relished my sacred morning ritual.

    3. Say goodbye to your job if it makes you unhappy.

    Right now, maybe you need it to support your family. No problem. Make sure you limit your working hours. Make the rest count.

    Turn off your TV and put away your iPhone. Spend engaged time with your family. Thinking about work takes you away from important leisure activities.

    Your people will always be important—your children, parents, siblings, friends, and your tribe. Don’t sweat the little things. Cultures with high longevity emphasize personal relationships, support networks, and family. The elders are the big shots, not the richest in the village.

    4. How to glow from the inside out.

    We are genetically wired to thrive on a whole-foods diet. A rule of thumb: the more processed the food, the less you should eat.

    Most of the diets that actually work—paleo, low-carb, and vegan—all have whole foods at their base. They vary in content, but all encourage vegetables, fruits, and good-quality protein sources.

    Return to those niggly health issues. Take an honest look at your diet. What could you do better? What things would you be willing to change?

    I used to systematically overeat healthy foods. My diet was great, but I used foods, even healthy ones, to quell my inner unhappiness. I hated my job. I felt lonely and isolated.

    Start with one change per month. Not more. Drink a glass of water with your meals and skip sugary drinks.Or eat a salad with your lunch or dinner.

    5. Here’s a little-known secret about your mind.

    How do you feel after eating a plate of fried foods? Or a big meal in a restaurant followed by dessert? I feel fuzzy and sluggish.

    What about after eating a bowl of candy? Like a space cadet? Sugar spikes our blood sugar and makes concentration impossible.

    Want to keep your mind clear and alert? Choose fresh vegetables and fruits, high-quality animal products, legumes like lentils and beans, healthy fats from nuts and seeds, and high-quality cold-pressed oils.

    Why Most People Fail Miserably

    Simply put, they don’t prioritize their own health. Don’t fall down that rabbit hole.

    Your job is not to put everyone else’s health above your own.

    Your job is not to make excuses about what you should be doing but aren’t.

    Your job is to be your most enthusiastic health advocate. You must fight tooth and nail to make stellar choices for your health.

    Your good intentions are worthless if you never take action. I’ve been there too. I’ve ignored my body. It was a mistake.

    Start making tiny changes, like having oatmeal and an apple for breakfast. Notice how much better you feel. You’ll be chomping at the bit to do more.

    Living well makes you feel better and happier. But it requires a little courage and determination.

    Start with one tiny step in the right direction. Take five minutes now and decide what your first step is.

    You know you deserve a healthier life.

    And more happiness.

  • How To Be The Best Version Of You A Lot More Often

    How To Be The Best Version Of You A Lot More Often

    Happy Woman

    “In chaos, there is fertility.” ~Anaïs Nin

    Are you a calm creature in your yoga class, then you get home and yell at your kids?

    Do you ever read a really inspirational book or blog and think, “Yes! That makes total sense, and I’m going to start doing that!” Then life gets busy and it never quite happens?

    Do you ever feel like you’re two different people living in the same body? Saying one thing, doing another?

    Me too.

    For the past fifteen years I’ve been a self-development junkie.

    I’ve read tons of books and I’ve attended courses and loads of amazing workshops. These covered everything from parenting to time management, relationships to getting organized, healthy eating to setting up a business, plus anything to do with spirituality and personal growth.

    All of these have inspired me with an array of fantastic ideas—but often they remained just ideas, floating around in my head without any action plan behind them.

    On the mat at my local yoga center I was the calm, peaceful, positive soul I craved to be. Yet, when I got home and re-entered my chaotic reality, it felt like just a temporary illusion.

    I was straight back to my grumpy, irritable, impatient “other self.”

    What was wrong with me? How could I be so Jekyll and Hyde?

    How could I more consistently be the “me” I loved being around?

    I was writing in my journal one day when I began to list the qualities I show when I’m being my best version of me.

    • Kind
    • Lighthearted
    • Playful
    • Calm
    • Relaxed
    • Positive
    • Present

    I knew what brought out the best in me—yoga, inspiring workshops, running in nature, laughing with friends, dancing my socks off, getting stuck in an amazing book.

    Then I listed what the poor version of me looks like.

    • Irritable
    • Impatient
    • Snappy
    • Short-fused
    • Negative
    • Mind spinning in overdrive!

    I asked myself, “What brings out the poor version of me?”

    • Feeling overwhelmed, with a lot on my plate
    • Too much on my mind, trying to figure things out in my head
    • Rushed, running late
    • Tired
    • Not enough “me” time

    And it occurred to me that, since I know what brings out the worst in me, why not look at each of these things and find ways to make them happen less often?

    I realized that I needed to get a handle on the day-to-day “running the show” stuff.

    To tackle overwhelm and having too much on my plate, I began to take a deep look at my time management. I learned how to say “no,” to delegate, and to structure my days better.

    I began to prepare for success by meal planning, laying clothes out for myself and the kids the night before, and always thinking one step ahead about what I’d need to take with me before going out the door, so I could feel calm and confident that I wasn’t forgetting anything.

    I began to feel less rushed. I was on time.

    Then I got back into a regular journal writing habit. I also had weekly scheduled brain-dumps to get things out of my head and onto paper so I could figure things. I crafted step-by-step action plans to get organized and on top of everything that needed doing.

    Instead of spending my evenings slumped in front of the TV or scrolling mindlessly on my phone, I started having regular candlelit baths and getting into bed earlier, curled up with a good book.

    It was the “me” time I always craved but never thought I had space in my day for. And I was consistent with it. I was finally implementing a lot of the great things I’d read about (hurrah!), and I felt the best version of me coming out more often.

    Once I got on top of the logistics, I felt less stressed and overwhelmed. It was easier to be more mindful and present. I began a daily practice of checking in with myself, asking, “How am I feeling?” listening to the answers and using them to guide me.

    After a lifetime of telling myself “I’m not a morning person,” I began to wake fifteen minutes before the children and used this quiet time to write in a gratitude journal or meditate using an app on my phone.

    It’s helped me stop being so cranky at breakfast and send my kids off to school peacefully, and with love.

    It took recognizing what brings out the worst in me to turn things around. It didn’t happen overnight, but by taking baby steps in the right direction I got there.

    Now I’m able to be my best version of me in my everyday life—not just on the yoga mat.

    If you want to be your best version of you more often, write your answers to the following questions:

    I feel like my best version of me when…

    How I feel about myself when I’m the best version of me…

    It’s easier to be my best version of me when…

    I’m a poor version of me when… 

    What can I learn from these insights? What new habits can I create to make it easier to be my best version of me?

    Inspired actions I will take this week:

    1.

    2.

    3.

    Share in the comments below: What brings out your best and worst you? What can you do to bring out your best self more often?

    Happy woman image via Shutterstock

  • 4 Simple Questions That Can Revamp a Sensitive Soul’s Health

    4 Simple Questions That Can Revamp a Sensitive Soul’s Health

    Jumping Woman

    “Quality questions create a quality life.” ~Tony Robbins

    Have you ever wondered, maybe even worried, “Why is it easier for others to take care of their health? Why do they have more willpower? Less struggle?”

    And, “What am I doing wrong?”

    I used to ask myself all this, and more. It was confusing; I tried to eat healthy and exercise, but my body argued back. Weight issues. Fatigue. Chronic pain. Injury after injury.

    The answer seemed obvious.

    Try harder.

    But doing so made the issues worse, or another problem started. Or both.

    The doctors all said my symptoms didn’t make sense. I wondered: is it in my head? They told me to stress less. I worried: is anxiety making me worse? They said they couldn’t help. I panicked: am I unfixable?

    Sensitivity Isn’t a Disorder (and You Don’t Need to Fix It)

    The diagnosis was an over-reactive nervous system, which led me to the term Highly Sensitive People. Dr. Elaine Aron, a psychotherapist and researcher, estimates 15-20% of people are highly sensitive.

    This simple trait means our nervous systems process stimuli intensely.

    We think a lot. We feel deeply (physically and emotionally). We’re easily overstimulated.

    Sound familiar?

    Thoughts are stimuli that affect our highly tuned nervous systems. The more negative, the more we suffer; the more positive, the more we thrive (even compared to others).

    Questions are a potent type of thought. They trigger our brains to search for answers, discover evidence, and create links and stories, long after we turn our conscious minds to something else.

    The problem was simple.

    I was asking lousy questions.

    And the solution became obvious. Ask good questions.

    It worked. I’ve bounced back from burnout with more health and happiness than in my twenties and thirties. I learned to ask the following four questions every day.

    1. Am I focused on the vitality I want or the discomfort I don’t want?

    It sounds easy: focus positively on the health you want.

    But being highly sensitive means you’re hardwired to ponder issues from all different angles. It’s a gift of cautiousness—your early warning system. And it means you end up obsessing over things you’re trying to ignore.

    Your mind is powerful. If you stay focused on soreness in your body, you sensitize your nervous system into noticing more pain. If you worry about getting injured, you subconsciously set yourself up for injury.

    When you focus on problems (or the gap between your current health and the health you want), you create tension. Physical and emotional. Which makes you feel rotten, intensifies the health issue, and even creates new issues.

    But focusing on well-being sends a powerful message to your brain and body to shift you toward better health. While helping you relax into enjoying more of life, right now (even if your health isn’t perfect).

    Tip: If you catch yourself preoccupied with what you don’t want, stop. Appreciate your gift of considering different perspectives. Then re-focus on the vitality you want.

    2. Am I whizzing through healthy habits or delving into their worth?

    Being sensitive means you mull over decisions and are quick to second-guess yourself. But it’s easy to get entangled in the rush of life and leap from one health habit to the next.

    Sinking your teeth into why you want better health helps you commit to healthy habits. You understand their worth.

    But it’s not enough to know that a habit is worthwhile just because it makes you energized, healthier, and fitter. You need to dig deeper into your why to discover what that gives you that’s even more important.

    Perhaps being fitter brings more ease and flow or enables you to connect more with family and friends.

    Some of my deepest whys are comfort, blending, and connection. For example, I’ve learned to avoid strict diets that compartmentalize allowed and not allowed (and lead me to binge on junk). Instead, to allow any foods but plan ahead my wholesome and comforting meals. To blend healthy snacks into my day. To mindfully connect with tastes and textures.

    Uncovering your deepest why helps you discover which specific habits spur you on from within. Even when the going gets tough (as it will).

    Not only will your self-care work better, but you’ll also notice less whizzing and more sticking.

    Tip: Slow down and tap into the qualities that are meaningful to you and your health. Then choose the habits to support those qualities.

    3. Am I analyzing my health or tuning in to my body’s wisdom?

    High sensitivity means you feel deeply. It’s tempting to stay stuck in your head, to hide from the intensity of your emotions and your sharp awareness of subtleties.

    Doing so numbs you from your body’s wisdom.

    You begin to worry about your health—analyzing problems and searching endlessly for solutions. Discomfort becomes a foe to avoid. A problem to fear. An assault to stop or dull (rather than a healthy message).

    When I hurt my back, for example, the pain lasted months longer than the injury took to physically heal. The therapists prescribed gentle exercises. The more I tried, the more the pain intensified or spread to other areas. It didn’t make sense.

    But tuning in to my body, I could feel the tension of trying too hard, too often. Of stiffening constantly, in fear of the possibility of pain. Of overprotecting and overcompensating. I learned to relax and soften to allow myself, more and more, to move naturally. In doing so, my body came into balance and the pain disappeared.

    When you tune in to how you’re feeling, the physical sensations become a compass for tweaking your self-care. For correcting course. You hear your body whispering, “This, not that. Ease up; push harder.”

    You re-ignite your instinctual knowing. You build your intuition muscles. You make healthy choices that reflect who you are.

    Tip: Think about an aspect of your health or self-care, and then notice how it triggers sensations in your body. Where and what do you feel? Is it a sense of lightness or heaviness? Openness or constriction? Feel into which thoughts and habits support you.

    4. Am I under healthy pressure or beating myself up?

    We all need a certain amount of oomph to improve our health and stay healthy. But it’s easy to slither from self-motivation into self-judgment. Being highly sensitive means you’re your own biggest critic.

    We see others breeze through long hours at work followed by intense cardio at the gym, fueled with crappy diets and little sleep. We’re tempted to follow suit. But when our sensitive bodies fizzle out or overreact, we’re left confused and deflated.

    “I’m lazy. I hate my body. I’m never going to get there.”

    Your nervous system responds to self-talk as though it’s the hard truth. Often, it’s not.

    It’s simple to pinpoint whether you’re feeling healthy or unhealthy pressure. Ask, “Does this [feeling or self-talk] make me want to act in a different way that’ll honestly make me feel better?”

    If the answer is no, let it go. It’s unhealthy. It’s not serving you.

    If the answer is yes, choose an action that feels good to take. And appreciate yourself for getting a handle on the pressure and not burying it.

    Tip: Be gentle and curious about your self-talk. Check if it’s helping you. Then, act accordingly. Treat yourself with the same loving compassion you’re so good at giving others.

    Answer Back With Your Super Power

    You’re blessed with an inquisitive mind and a highly tuned inner guidance—gifts to help you make wise choices in your health when you slow down and pay attention.

    Use your heightened awareness to detect your self-talk, emotions, and feelings.

    Deliberately ask empowering questions and get curious about your answers. Without judgment.

    Treat yourself with kindness, no matter what choices you make (and keep going in your self-care).

    No, this isn’t a one-fix wonder. You’ll correct course every day of your life. But well-being comes from sculpting a supportive partnership between your mind and body.

    Ask positive questions. Tune in to the answers. Take heart-felt action. You can’t help but make healthier self-care choices from that better-feeling place.

    So what are you asking for?

    Now it’s your turn. Do you consider yourself highly sensitive? If so, tell us a question that’s made a powerful positive difference in your life?

    Jumping woman image via Shutterstock

  • One Mind Live: Free Holiday Week of Peace & Customized Meditation Giveaway

    One Mind Live: Free Holiday Week of Peace & Customized Meditation Giveaway

    One Mind Live

    You’ve likely read about the benefits of meditation, and you’ve maybe even experienced them for yourself.

    Meditation can help you:

    • Reduce your stress
    • Increase your focus
    • Enhance your creativity
    • Deepen your sleep
    • Heighten your sense of presence
    • Improve your mood and overall well-being

    And yet knowing all these things, you may find it difficult to maintain a consistent practice. Even if you have the time, it be challenging to shut out distractions, shut off your brain, and simply be. I know I’ve struggled with this.

    It can be even more difficult because it’s usually a solitary pursuit—but it doesn’t have to be.

    Introducing One Mind Live

    My good friend Naomi Janzen, creator of the Remindfulness app and one of the experts featured in my Recreate Your Life Story eCourse, has recently launched a powerful new global online meditation site, with psychotherapist and spiritual teacher Naomi Carling and award winning composer Stephen Fearnley.

    It’s the world’s first and only weekly, live, guided, worldwide online meditation group.

    The site offers fifty-two unique guided meditations throughout the year—and it’s non-denominational, making it accessible to all.

    It’s easier than traditional seated meditation, in that it’s guided; it’s more enjoyable, with soothing music from composer Stephen Fearnley; and it’s more powerful, due to the Maharishi Effect, which essentially means that a large group of people having a spiritual experience together magnify each other’s energies.

    And perhaps most unique, every session starts with ten minutes of EFT Tapping with Naomi Janzen to put you in the ‘zone,’ so you don’t need to be in the mood to meditate when you start.

    Scientifically proven to alter brainwave activity, EFT (or “Emotional Freedom Techniques”) puts you in a state of relaxation, stimulating the release of anti-stress hormones in your body.

    While you can always access an on-demand recording of the weekly guided meditation on the One Mind Live membership site, there are five group replays—meaning six total weekly chances to reap the benefits of global group meditation.

    I’m a huge fan of Naomi’s work; I swear by her iPhone app for daily mindfulness and I’ve benefitted tremendously from EFT tapping with her.

    I couldn’t be more thrilled to share this new online community with you so you too can reap these benefits—and more.

    The Free Holiday Week of Peace

    While One Mind Live offers three membership options—including a monthly one that costs the same for four weeks as a single yoga class in many cities—you can experience all the benefits of membership for free during next week’s special “Holiday Week of Peace” open house.

    From December 24th through January 1st you’ll have free access to a powerful global meditation, with five group replays, so you can find a time that fits within your schedule.

    All you need to do is visit One Mind Live here and provide your email address; then you’ll instantly receive a free gift, and you’ll receive a reminder about the meditation on the 24th.

    The Customized Guided Meditation Giveaway

    If you choose to join One Mind Live after the free week, you’ll be entered into a giveaway for something very rare and special: a free, fully customized thirty-minute guided meditation, made just for you by Naomi, Stephen, and Naomi.

    It will include an original music score, ten minutes of custom, tap-along EFT, and a guided twenty-minute meditation based on the specific goals you have and issues you’d like addressed (after a consultation with the founders).

    You will be able to meditate to this MP3 as often as you like, and you can choose to share it with friends or keep it just for yourself. This is not available anywhere else and would cost thousands of dollars to commission.

    All you need to do to enter this giveaway is forward the membership purchase confirmation email from One Mind Live to OML@tinybuddha.com between now and January 31st at midnight PST.

    Whether you choose to join or not, you can try One Mind Live for free during the Holiday Week of Peace, with no obligation or strings attached (no billing info required), by visiting One Mind Live here.

    I hope you enjoy it as much as I have—and I hope you have a peaceful holiday week!

  • How to Get Lasting Results: The 4 Laws of Permanent Change

    How to Get Lasting Results: The 4 Laws of Permanent Change

    “Sometimes, it’s the smallest decisions that change your life forever.” ~Keri Russell

    Seven years ago I was that athletic, hyperactive person you could look at and admire.

    I was madly in love with cardio, and I could easily work out twice a day, six days a week, without a single complaint, not to mention jogging at 6:00AM five days each week.

    In college I went through lots of rough times, especially in my senior year. I was always stressed, I procrastinated a lot, and I couldn’t care less about working out, until one day I woke up and realized that I had gained forty-six pounds in less than a year.

    In just twelve months, I found myself transforming into a less attractive, obese young man who couldn’t breathe properly or even fit into an old pair of jeans. I also had stress problems and a non-stop bad temper.

    I tried hard to get back on track and get my old self back again, but with so much stress in my life, it was only a matter of days until I gave up and went back to my bad eating habits.

    I would plan my diet, stick to it for a couple of day or weeks, and then give up. Working out was no longer easy for me, the gym was boring, and healthy food was unbearable.

    For seven consecutive years I faced lots of difficulties and tried to lose weight more than 100 times. All failed. I was desperate, I was helpless, and I felt stuck, until one day I asked myself:

    Why don’t I start small?

    Why don’t I forget about doing too many things at once, and change only one thing and see what happens next?

    Why don’t I just go to the gym—without caring about how much I eat, how much weight I lift, how fast I run, and without even sticking myself to a specific schedule?

    Why don’t I just put my shoes on and walk myself to the gym three days every week, and consider my daily goal done once I step into the gym. No more doubts and no more worries—I’ll just try to be someone who goes to the gym more often.

    I did it, and it was the best thing I ever did for myself.

    In a matter of three months, I have lost thirty-eight pounds, gained control over my life, and become more disciplined. And junk food has finally no control over me.

    I did that by following a set of universal laws that most people neglect when trying to change their lives. I strongly believe that if you manage to follow these universal laws, changing your life is guaranteed.

    I have summarized them in four simple rules that are applicable to almost all types of human behavior. Whether you’re trying to lose weight or build self-confidence, follow these four rules and you will see results.

    Rule 1: Make it easy to start.

    I asked myself: What are the obstacles that make me hate going to the gym?

    The answer was:

    • Feeling bad when I fail to reach the specific number of reps for each exercise, or when I don’t lift a lot of weight.
    • Feeling bad when I can’t push myself to run on a treadmill.
    • Feeling like I’m not disciplined enough and I lack control over my life whenever I miss a workout (even if I have a busy schedule).

    So I decided to eliminate all the obstacles and make it easy to go to the gym consistently.

    I knew that if I kept lifting weights and running even with 50% of my strength, my body would change and I would see progress. That’s why I decided to:

    • Lift only what I could, especially when I wasn’t in the mood to lift a lot of weight.
    • Do only what I could when it came to cardio. If the ideal intense cardio workout is made of four intervals, then I’d be satisfied if I did two or more.
    • Be less strict with timing. I’d hit the gym any day at anytime, as long as I go there at least three times each week.

    I did that and I realized something very strange. When I dropped the stress off my shoulders, I started to lift more weight, run faster, and go the extra mile in almost all of my workouts. And that made me stick to the habit more than ever because I made it easy for myself to progress.

    If you want to see results, you must make it so easy to start that there is no place for thoughts of quitting or backing up. Life is already hard. Don’t make it harder.

    Rule 2: It`s all about consistency.

    No matter who you are, you will have some sort of resistance to change. This resistance is at its minimum when you introduce change into your life step by step until it becomes a part of who you are, or face any kind of emotional trauma or a situation when change is a must (like losing your job or getting a divorce).

    Since you don’t want to put yourself in a traumatic situation, and because your reasons are sometimes not strong enough to weaken your inner resistance immediately, the best way to change your lifestyle is by starting small and being consistent.

    Focus on one—and only one—thing to change at a time (so you don’t stir up your inner resistance) and take consistent actions toward this goal until you have a new way of life.

    Take my dieting example:

    It was hard for me to exercise regularly and introduce a healthy lifestyle to my daily routine, so I changed only one variable (going to the gym) and left the rest unchanged. Within a month I found myself changing my eating habits completely without feeling bad about it.

    Why? Because being a gym-goer had changed the image I had of myself, which made overeating seem less exciting.

    I simply didn’t want to lose the calories I’d worked hard to burn in the gym on a can of soda or a cheeseburger.

    Consider change as a snowball; all you need is to build a small ball, clear the path, and let the ball roll.

    Start small now and build on it. It’s the tortoise that wins in real life, not the lazy rabbit.

    Stop trying to revolutionize your life in a single shot. Small and consistent is what you need to explode.

    Rule 3: You never start at the end line.

    When playing a new video game, the best way to show fast progress is to start at the amateur mode and get used to it for sometime before you move to the pro level.

    The same goes with real change; you start at the bottom in the amateur mode and keep progressing until you become a pro.

    Your goal is to move from the beginner level to the pro one fast and safe, and to do so you must know that:

    • When you demand too much too early, you lose.
    • When you be over-judgmental and beat yourself up too often, you lose.
    • And when you choose perfection over progress, you still lose.

    Don’t look far and forget where you’re stepping. You have two eyes; keep one on the sky and the other one under your feet.

    Rule 4: Regret is a complete waste of time.

    I had my moments of relapsing. I have cheated many times but I haven’t allowed such mistakes to ruin my diet because I realized that regret is useless.

    When changing your life, keep in mind that it’s immediate action that fixes a mistake, not crying over it. It is your reaction toward a mistake that counts, not the mistake itself.

    Get over your mistakes fast, and you will be amazed by how far you will go with your life.

  • We Are More Than What We Do for Work

    We Are More Than What We Do for Work

    Workaholic

    “I’ve learned that making a living is not the same things as making a life.” ~Maya Angelou

    My friend Nick and I were talking one day about our plans for after graduation. We talked about marriage and whether our religious beliefs would factor into our weddings when the time came, or whether our mothers would just run the whole show. Then the question came that grounded me.

    “Do you think that you’ll be a workaholic?” Nick asked.

    I chuckled and said I could practically guarantee it, as workaholism has always been part of my identity—and a proud part, at that. Nick then followed my response by saying, “You know, it’s worse than alcoholism.”

    After laughing off the comment, he continued to make his point. He expressed how he had seen it destroy families and lives. He finished with how it can even be spirit crushing, as the individual loses their sense of passion and uses work to fuel their addiction.

    Although I firmly believe that Nick was misguided in the brevity of his statement, he did have a point.

    Being a workaholic is a problem. It can destroy relationships with those you care about, as well as your body through health issues that accompany stress and overuse, and even your spirit through soul crushing tasks and long hours.

    What seemed like an offhand comment really struck me, and at a good time too, as I was graduating from college and about to start my first adult job.

    I took a little time after Nick left that evening to reflect on my relationship with work and how it had almost become synonymous with my identity over the years.

    In the culture of the United States, it almost seems like what we do is actually who we are. After all, there are many jobs that you can’t turn off, such as being a doctor or a mother—jobs where you’re always on-call.

    And tied with that, so many people have a burning desire to be successful and good at what they do, which seems to involve throwing yourself into your occupation full force.

    When people strive for success in what they do and do not strive for balance, workaholics are created.

    My number one goal has always been to be successful, which I defined as having a steady, challenging, well-paying career. Although my family and friends are important to me, I often put them on the backburner, putting my career and goals ahead of them.

    Reflecting back on Nick’s comment, I have begun to realize how much work has hindered my close relationships. And it has slowly but surely crushed the spirit of those close to me that have workaholic traits. Sometimes they seem so worn down that they appear to have lost their identity and passion.

    I now know that I don’t want to be a shell of a person. I know that there are more important things and that I want to live a full and balanced life, with varied interests and strong relationships. This epiphany-inspired reflection could not have come at a better time in my life.

    As I get ready to start my first real job in the upcoming weeks, I will remember these four things, which I believe anyone can do to have a more fulfilling and balanced life.

    1. Know yourself and your limitations.

    I know myself and I know that work will be a large part of my life because it is a core part of who I am. However, I will remember that, although I want to be successful, I need to maintain balance my life. This means that I will go in and stay for my shift and work hard, but I will not burn myself out.

    I will understand that my health and wellness are an important part of who I am and that, without proper health and wellness, I cannot act as the best employee that I can be.

    2. Focus on overall healthy decisions, mentally and physically.

    In the upcoming weeks as I start my new position, I will focus on health and wellness outside of work. I’ll make overall healthy decisions, not solely working out, but taking the time to relax and re-energize at the end of a long day.

    I will also focus on my mental and relational health by making time for my family and friends and by sharing fun activities with them that help balance me out.

    3. Foster high priority relationships.

    As I get older and progress further in my career, I, like many others, will become constrained by time and resources. In order to maintain the delicate work-life balance that I am striving for, I will take time to foster relationships that matter to build a support system.

    When the time comes and you need a helping hand, your support network will be strong enough to get you through the tough times.

    4. Remember that who you are, not what you do, makes you special.

    Just being me makes me special, and a valuable asset to both my family and friends. Who I am also plays into my career, as it designates my goals and achievements, but I am a multidimensional person with thoughts, beliefs, and interests outside of my employment status, and so are you.

    —

    The key to making all of these four thoughts and reflections a reality is balance. I now know that I need to make time to not only work, but to play as well. I need to know myself, and how I handle relationships, and make them a priority.

    These tips will help guide my life and decisions, as I hope they will guide yours, as well.

    Workaholic image via Shutterstock

  • Why We Compare Ourselves to Others on Social Media and How to Stop

    Why We Compare Ourselves to Others on Social Media and How to Stop

    “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” ~Steve Furtick

    We all have certain triggers that can cause our confidence to take a sudden nosedive.

    For some, it’s a trip to the gym. If you’re self-conscious of your body, watching fit people strut their stuff in their tightest fitting gym clothes likely has you over analyzing your every body part.

    For others, it may be a certain individual—a family member, friend, or enemy that, for whatever reason, leaves them with the dreaded feeling that they just aren’t enough.

    We all know the gut wrenching feeling that arises when we see or hear something that immediately has us second guessing our appearance, personality, or skill set.

    Unfortunately, social media provides us with numerous platforms that help to quickly trigger that unpleasant self-disdain.

    Facebook recently reminded me of just how powerful a determinant it is to my confidence level.

    I found myself comparing all aspects of my life, both internal and external, to a person I had never met. She was a stranger in every sense of the word, and yet somehow, her profile page caused me to question my accomplishments, appearance, and even personality traits.

    I didn’t realize just how illogical this was until I explained it to someone, and, now as I type, I’m reminded even further.

    Regardless of how illogical these comparisons may be, our emotional responses to such images can be so strong that they completely overpower our sense of logic.

    The reality is, people are constantly showcasing the best aspects of their life onto social media.

    The arrival of a new baby and a recent trip to the Caribbean are both ideal picture-posting occasions. But do these same people post photos of 2 a.m. feedings or lost luggage? Not often, because that wouldn’t show them in an ideal light, but it would provide a sense of reality.

    Reality is what is lost on social media. We emphasize the best versions of ourselves instead of the real versions.

    Life can be hard, ugly, and downright depressing at times. But those likely aren’t the adjectives most of us would use to describe the photos we post onto our accounts.

    The feeling of lack and dissatisfaction that we feel when scrolling through our newsfeed often results from comparing our true reality to our “friends’” idealized, perfectly Instagramed realities.

    We are using the same scale to measure two entirely different realities.

    However, we fail to step back and recognize just how wildly unfair and unrealistic these comparisons actually are.

    So how can we stop ourselves from making them?

    1. Reduce your time on social media.

    This can be a challenge since we live in a culture that puts such a high value on social media outlets. But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible.

    Allow yourself five to ten minutes a day to check your social media accounts and then be done with it. Especially avoid looking at profiles of people who trigger thoughts of comparison. You have nothing to gain in doing so besides anxiety and sadness.

    2. Redirect your focus on the things that really matter.

    When you direct your attention toward the real world, you have less time and energy to direct toward meaningless activities such as social comparisons.

    Focus on a high-energy work out at the gym or finishing a book you’ve been putting off. Immerse yourself in activities that leave you feeling better for having engaged in them (versus Facebook stalking, which leaves you wishing you hadn’t).

    Make a list of activities and then schedule them onto a calendar. Since we often spend time on social media when we have little else going on, having scheduled plans will reduce the time we are sitting idle.

    3. Assess where those negative comparisons are stemming from.

    As unpleasant as these comparisons can feel, they can serve a positive purpose in that they inform us of an area of our lives that may benefit from some improvement. The incident served as a reminder that I want to be secure enough in who I am and where I am in life that I don’t feel the need to measure it in comparison to anyone else (least of all, a stranger).

    After my strong reaction to a stranger’s Facebook profile, I decided to work on developing a stronger sense of confidence and self-worth. I’ve done this in a number of different ways such as:

    • Putting a higher value on my relationships. I have amazing friends and family, but I admit that I often take them for granted. I’ve tried to become more present in my interactions with them, as well as in encounters with complete strangers.
    • Valuing my time more. In the past, I’ve been much more cognizant and respectful of others’ time than my own. I’m practicing putting my needs first and learning to accept that it is okay to do.
    • Doing more of what I love. Sounds simple, but I’ve really made an effort to go on quiet walks with my dog more or allow myself an hour to read a book. Doing things simply because I like to do them has given me an increasing amount of self-value.
    • Eating well and moving. I make sure to put my body in motion for at least thirty minutes a day (even if it’s just walking the dog), and I eat small, healthy meals throughout the day so I don’t find myself snacking mindlessly on junk. Putting a higher value on my body by eating clean and getting exercise has naturally given me a higher sense of self worth.

    So, next time you make an unfair comparison, instead of allowing it to make you feel poorly about yourself, view it as an opportunity for a little self-evaluating.

    Ultimately, social comparisons aren’t indicative of what others have that you don’t, but rather what you already have but aren’t quite aware of yet.

  • Doing What’s Good for Us: What We Need Beyond Discipline

    Doing What’s Good for Us: What We Need Beyond Discipline

    Meditation

    “How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.” ~Annie Dillard

    When I first engaged spiritual practice, I tried to meditate while counting breaths. “I can’t do this!” I lamented, “It’s too hard.” The green satiny cushion filled with buckwheat chaff felt hard and unforgiving.

    My legs ached. I kept checking my watch. My mind ached.

    Tick. Tick. Tick.

    The watch taunted me, and I did not feel the least bit edified by the experience.

    But every few moon phases, I’d try again: half an hour of hellacious discomfort, of shifting in my chair or—if I had gotten really ambitious—on the cushion.

    It was horrible. Didn’t feel life affirming at all.

    In fact, it was nothing but an occasion for self-criticism. I didn’t know how to watch my feelings and thoughts arise and release, as I had been told I was supposed to do. I only knew I had to sit there for half an hour, no matter what.

    But wasn’t it what you’re supposed to do? Wasn’t it good for me? Wouldn’t it change my life?

    As you might imagine, it didn’t take very long for me to abandon a sitting practice. I berated myself for having no discipline, and tried to move on.

    The word “discipline” only conjured suffering: Exercise I hated, housework I loathed, and foods I ate only because they were “good for me.” Besides a very limited concept of “good,” the whole idea of discipline was clearly associated with punishment and pain.

    Eventually, I did learn that “discipline”—like “disciple”—comes from the root, “to follow.” It was not derived, say, from “spare the rod and spoil the child.” Still, I struggled.

    The maxim, “Discipline is remembering what you really want” felt strange, alien. It did not comfort me.

    Sadly, “practice” was even tainted with discipline-ism. Practice makes perfect, after all, and perfection was what I thought I wanted and could never get my arms around.

    I came to dread even life-giving activities I loved because I associated them with “having to” do them because they were “good for me.” Down was up. Good was awful.

    Eventually, though, those two earlier understandings began to sink in: “Discipline is remembering what you really want,” and “discipline’s” root is “to follow.”

    How did this shift happen? How did things turn and move and change?

    In me, it happened because I learned that discipline is nothing without gentleness. Without kindness. Without understanding my own suffering.

    It was gentleness that allowed me to explore forms of spiritual practice that I had not previously considered. Gentleness allowed me to be creative and find what worked for me.

    Singing at my altar. Freewriting. Breathing over my coffee in the morning.

    And it is gentleness that allows yogis just to “get on the mat” and see what happens from there with no expectation or plan.

    It is gentleness that allows us to sit for only a few minutes today instead of the forty-five we’d like to attain or sustain.

    It is gentleness that acknowledges that practice changes us over time, not in a sprint or in a flash of heavy lifting.

    In my experience, gentleness doesn’t keep us from being disciplined. In point of fact, because gentleness helps us respond to our current circumstances, it is indeed a practice of mindfulness.

    Gentleness is a way of being kind. It both doesn’t sprint in this moment and yet it encourages us to get on the mat, to settle into the cushion, to sing for a while, to write a page or two.

    Gentleness is supple. Gentleness does not say that it’s okay to throw in the towel of practice. Gentleness makes practice possible when it feels so difficult.

    Furthermore, gentleness has rescued discipline. Discipline is the getting on the mat that gentleness encourages. Discipline is remembering that a small dose of dailiness is worth more than a single three-hundred-pound lift. Discipline with gentleness allows for dailiness.

    And dailiness is what changes us—what changes me.

    It has taken me close to twenty years to get to a sustainable, nearly daily practice. If I had pushed on with my limited understanding of discipline, my practice would not have grown, deepened, and borne the fruit it has.

    Discipline is necessary. Discipline allows us to follow where the practice leads us. Discipline is in the insistence that I do something for my practice today.

    Gentleness tells me that I needn’t judge the goodness, rightness, or spiritual muscle of my practice. Discipline reminds me that dailiness will change my life. Gentleness allows that dailiness to happen by leaving more than one door open for my practice.

    So I began again, after years of trying long chunks of seated practice.

    I began by creating beauty. I began by setting up altars with candles and objects sacred to me and by spending time with them each day.

    And then I began to write at my altar, and then to sing. I could sing for longer than I could sit, but singing led to sitting and sitting led to yoga and yoga led to swimming.

    I can engage my practice with discipline—make sure to write and sing each day, at least—because gentleness has given me permission to be shaped over time from whatever tiny efforts I could bring to begin with.

    I encourage us all—experienced practitioners and those for whom practice feels a faraway dream—to allow both discipline and gentleness to shape us. To attend to when we need one more than the other, but to keep them close together always.

    How do you keep them separate or together? Which do you need more in your life today, and how can you cultivate it?

    Blessings on your practice and your hopes for compassion, integrity, and wisdom.

    Meditating image via Shutterstock

  • The Art of Reflection: Feel Your Way to a Happier Life

    The Art of Reflection: Feel Your Way to a Happier Life

    Contemplation

    “You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards.” ~Steve Jobs

    One of the best ways I’ve found to develop wisdom is through reflection. While reflection might look like a quiet session of daydreaming, it’s actually an active process during which you enrich your life and encourage personal growth by reviewing parts of your day or your life.

    It was January 2001 and I was sitting in New York’s La Guardia airport waiting for my flight to Atlanta. I had moved to New York to attend a graduate program there, and in spite of doing well academically, I withdrew after one semester.

    I questioned my career path. I felt lost and deflated. Now what? I didn’t know what I wanted. Or did I? I figured what I was supposed to do now was just move back to Atlanta, where I lived previously.

    What I didn’t know back then was how to be present, listen to my inner voice, and ultimately how to reflect in order to learn.

    That day at La Guardia, every cell in my body was telling me that New York wasn’t finished with me yet. I still had some things to do and people to meet. I loved the energy of the city.

    That being said, I didn’t know how to deal with the voice in my head that was telling me all about the “shoulds.” You should move back to Atlanta. Your stuff is still in storage there. It’s expensive in New York.

    I couldn’t logically explain what I was feeling. I just felt like it wasn’t time yet to move back to Atlanta.

    While sitting at the gate, I called my friend, Helen. “I don’t want to get on the plane.” What? What do you mean? “I just don’t want to go back yet.”

    After Helen respectfully listened, I called another friend, Prema.

    Prema answered. “I don’t want to get on the plane.” What?

    Granted, I had already said my goodbyes with my grad school New York friends.

    Ultimately, I got on the plane that day because I though I had to in spite of what I was feeling…only to return to New York two weeks later, when an awesome rent-controlled apartment in the West Village seemed to fall in my lap, and I somehow landed a coveted position, which led to many great opportunities in my career.

    My pattern of not listening to my inner voice continued for years until I began to make a conscious effort to trust my intuition, reflect, and learn from my experiences. My patterns of not trusting myself showed up with my relationships, jobs, school programs, and apparently, moves.

    Looking back, I know the reason I was indecisive was because I did not trust my gut and pay attention to what I was feeling. I made fear-based decisions. After some practice with reflection, I now realize that my inner voice does always know.

    What I’ve learned is that while our busy lives can make it seem difficult to reflect on our experiences, taking some time for self-reflection is necessary if we are to learn and grow.

    Reflection helps us to build upon the successful moments and break free from the self-doubt that holds us back from embracing our true dreams and living a fulfilling life.

    I think it’s important to be clear that I am not talking about reliving negative experiences of the past. Dwelling in the past is just as unproductive and unhealthy as stressing about the future.

    We can’t change the past. What we can do, though, is use self-compassion to reflect on and learn from what is happening right now.

    This is what helps us to embrace a vibrant life and allows our spirit to flourish.

    The following tips will help you to learn how to listen to your inner voice while you practice reflection so that you can learn and move forward.

    Carve out some solo time for your sessions of self-reflection.

    By definition, self-reflection is a solitary process. Typically, you will want to choose a time and place for reflection that is quiet and where you can be alone with your thoughts.

    You can make this part of your daily or weekly habits. This quiet time will help you to be able to center your thoughts without interruption, and make it easier for you to “hear” your inner voice.

    Listen to your inner voice.

    Many people find it helpful to sit down somewhere that it is quiet and write down their thoughts and feelings when they are reflecting. If writing is an activity that you enjoy, by all means keep a journal or diary to record your inner discoveries.

    Others find it easier to hear their inner voice and consider their past as they go for a long walk, or as they practice meditation. I like to sit or walk in nature. There is no “right” or “wrong” way. Select the space that helps you to best feel relaxed and calm as you look back on your past.

    Let your mind float.

    Set your thoughts free. You don’t necessarily have to try to direct them to a specific event or time. Your subconscious knows where it wants to take you.

    Tune in to what it’s showing you. Can you see something or hear a voice? Is it bringing you a feeling? Let it sit with you in peace for a while.

    The message will come when it’s ready and often it’s a real “aha” moment. Other times it’s a gentle nudge in a new direction.

    Trust yourself.

    We are very used to giving people reasons—evidence—for our choices and decisions, so basing your actions on something that can be as unquantifiable as reflection may initially make you nervous.

    The beauty of reflection is that it won’t steer you wrong. It gives you perhaps the most honest and clear guidance you will ever have.

    Reflect even when there seems to be nothing to reflect on.

    Don’t be tempted to skip your reflection period because everything seems to be going well for you. Use the time to let go of any stresses and worries that are hiding in you.

    Look for the positives and seek the keys to help you become the person you want to be. Sit in peace and think about life, love, and all the wonderful things you have to be grateful for. Personal growth springs out of silence just as often as it does from experience.

    With practice, your confidence in your abilities will grow and your self-esteem and spirit will soar. You will come to love the quiet moments of reflection that you have given yourself.

    By looking back we can sometimes make sense of life, and as Steve Jobs put it, connect the dots to our future.

    Often the ability to grow as individuals is tied to the understanding of the context of our lives. Personal reflection is a powerful and liberating experience that can smooth out life’s bumps, boost our happiness, and help us become the people we want to be.

    Contemplation image via Shutterstock

  • How to Set Strong Boundaries and Overcome The Need to Say “Yes”

    How to Set Strong Boundaries and Overcome The Need to Say “Yes”

    “We must never forget that it is through our actions, words, and thoughts that we have a choice.” ~Sogyal Rinpoche

    Just a few short years ago, I would have relished in being called a “yes person.”

    I loved that label. I thought it made me approachable, helpful, and charitable, and I loved being “top of mind” for so many people and wonderful opportunities.

    Big project at work? I was there. A shoulder to cry on? You bet. A shopping buddy? Sure, I’m available! An exercise partner, a counselor, an interior designer, a cook, a cleaner, a proofreader, a tour guide—I was the go-to girl for anything and everything.

    And for a very long time, I said a big, resounding “yes, please!” to all of it.

    Yes to the design work, yes to the extra projects, yes to the friends who needed me. I was an advice-giver, a support network, a teacher, a healer.

    But during the throes of helping what seemed like a million different people, my “yes person” mentality started to drain me—and rapidly at that.

    Sure enough, I was helping everyone but myself.

    It was only when I started to read spiritual texts and personal development websites that I began to realize how exhausted I actually was. And worse, that it was most likely my need to say “yes” all the time (a trait I had previously cherished), that was burning me out.

    Here I was saying “yes” to every offer, invitation, and request under the sun, yet I’d wind up sick, alone, and hacking my lungs out more often than I’d like to admit.

    I knew I had to overcome my incessant need to say “yes” all the time and start prioritizing self-care, so I went about setting strong boundaries for myself to start restoring my energy.

    Below are the steps I took to set my strong boundaries and overcome my need to say “yes” all the time.

    1. Speak up.

    I knew I had to start small, so I gradually began to let people know how depleted I was feeling.

    As it turned out, people weren’t annoyed at me for talking about how tired I was; in fact, they supported me and encouraged me to take time out and rest. It gave me the confidence I needed to start saying “no” once in a while. It wasn’t a sign of weakness that I was speaking out; it was a sign of strength.

    Another good reason to start speaking up about your fatigue, particularly if you’re a “yes” person, is to pre-emptively ward off peoples’ requests. When I authentically talked about how tired or busy I was, I found that people didn’t call on me as much as they used to, because they were already aware of how I burnt out I was feeling.

    2. Make self-care non-negotiable.

    You know that big meeting at work you literally can’t miss? Or the way you lock in the weekly screening of your favorite TV show? Make your self-care routine as rigid as that—make it non-negotiable.

    When you start making self-care a priority (and enact strong boundaries around your routine), you’re able to fill your cup more fully, and work on being as healthy and happy as possible.

    Here are some examples from my self-care routine:

    •  I schedule a massage once a month, and I make sure I budget for it in advance, too.
    • I turn off all technology by 9:30pm. Not only do I sleep better for it, but also I find that I’m reading more books instead of just mindlessly scrolling on yet another social media site.
    • I now only check my email twice a day; I find I’m less overwhelmed from implementing this practice and am no longer a slave to my inbox.
    • I move my body every day. Whether it’s a work out at the gym, a few stretches in my hotel room, or a long walk if I’m on the road, moving my body every day is an essential part of my self-care routine and helps keep my energy levels high.
    • I eat vegetables at every meal—a green smoothie or juice with breakfast, a big salad at lunch, and a huge serving of vegetables at dinner. Vegetables (in particular, green vegetables) are my must-have staple item. They keep my head clear and my body energized.
    • I forgo my morning routine if necessary. Some days, a full-on morning routine calls me, but when I genuinely need to sleep in and recover, I surrender and give myself permission to do so. It’s about knowing the difference between “laziness” and genuine “rest.” One feels icky (laziness) and one feels like relief (rest).

    After enacting these strong boundaries around my self-care and energy use, my health started to return to its optimum state. It was only then that I was able to start saying “yes” again—but this time, only to projects and people that really lit me up.

    3. Hold strong when others test your boundaries.

    Even now after having rock-solid boundaries for years, others test them. I have to consciously remind myself to hold strong.

    When others test your boundaries, choose to think of it as your chance to prove to the universe that you can keep your own promises.

    For example, if you’re the kind of person who needs sunshine but you work in an office where nobody takes their lunch break, stick to your guns.

    If people shake their heads every time you head out to get your Vitamin D hit, stick to your boundaries and hold your ground—explain to your boss why you need to get out of the office or even draw their attention to the working hours policy in your area. Better yet, use your work to prove that your productivity is higher due to your lunch breaks!

    When you use strategies to help you say “no,” sticking to your boundaries when others test them makes the whole process a lot easier.

    4. Learn how to say “no.”

    Perhaps the hardest lesson when you’re setting strong boundaries is learning how to say “no.” After all, when you’ve been a “yes person” your whole life, it can be very difficult to turn that habit around, but it’s important to master if you want to have strong boundaries.

    Here are some strategies to help you say no:

    • Practice saying it in a mirror.
    • Have some polite, pre-scripted text messages and emails on hand so you you’re not stuck trying to find the words to say “no.”
    • Try saying “not right now” instead of a flat out “no.” (Often, the request will disappear!)
    • Let your friends and family know that you need some space (pre-empt the need for them to call on you).

    Saying no can be difficult—by nature, we humans want to be helpful and kind—but ultimately, you need to be helpful and kind to yourself, first and foremost. And saying “no” does get easier with practice, I promise.

  • 6 Surprising Tips for Overcoming Exhaustion

    6 Surprising Tips for Overcoming Exhaustion

    Sleeping Man

    “We are so used to working that not working is the new hard work.” ~Mokokoma Mokhonoana

    You know that feeling just as something bad is happening that you can’t control, when your stomach does a backflip, lurches up into your throat, and then drops into your toes?

    I experienced it one day snapping back to full consciousness as my car glided off the left shoulder of the freeway and spun in a full 360-degree circle on the gravel.

    I’d logged a very busy week at work, been to a music group practice, done some freelance editing, and gone for a few runs in preparation for a marathon. Now I was headed to a weekend event with my spiritual community.

    There I was, zipping down the freeway in the fast lane on a crisp and sunny fall morning. I felt drowsy, so I flipped on the car radio to keep myself alert.

    In retrospect, I should have also sung along at the top of my lungs. Or, you know, pulled off the road to rest. But I didn’t want to be late for the start of the gathering.

    The last thing I remember thinking was “There aren’t any cars close by. I’ll just close my eyes for a second or two.”

    Superhero Syndrome

    Ever been so exhausted you can’t think straight?

    Do any of these sound familiar?

    • “There’s too much to do—I can’t afford to stop and rest.”
    • “I can’t ask for help—I’m the only one who will make sure this gets done right.”
    • “I have to finish this. [Person or group] is depending on me.”

    Thoughts like these have become frighteningly common. We think we need to do it all, so we push ourselves way past our limits. I call this “Superhero Syndrome.”

    And it’s not just unhealthy. It’s downright dangerous.

    Excessive fatigue is epidemic in our society. According to a 2011 National Sleep Foundation poll, close to half of Americans between thirteen and sixty-four say they rarely or never get a good night’s sleep during the work week.

    Exhaustion can lead to all sorts of problems, from impaired performance, poor immune system function, and increased risk of obesity to stroke, diabetes, and heart disease.

    Not to mention car accidents.

    The first step in avoiding exhaustion—as with most problems—is self-awareness. You need to check in with yourself regularly to see if you’re overdoing it.

    The second step is figuring out what to do about it if you are.

    The standard advice is true: If you’re overtired, stop what you’re doing and rest or sleep.

    Draw firm boundaries around your time and energy by learning to say no to people, things—and sometimes yourself.

    Practice good sleep hygiene and try to get a full night’s sleep every night.

    But there are times when, despite our best intentions, we don’t—or can’t—do these things. What then?

    6 Surprising Tips for Overcoming Exhaustion

    1. Ditch the traditional nightly sleep cycle.

    If a straight eight hours doesn’t do it for you, consider this: some researchers suspect we’re not wired for it anyway. They say that prehistoric humans slept for about four hours, woke up for a while, and went back to sleep again until dawn.

    Others have noted different sleep patterns across cultures, from the midday siesta to countries where multiple naps are the norm.

    Experiment and see if changing up your sleep periods makes a difference.

    2. Do the opposite of whatever you’ve been doing.

    If you’ve been pushing yourself physically, it’s no surprise that you should stop and rest or take a nap, or go to bed early.

    But if you’ve been pushing yourself mentally, go do something physical. Take a walk, do some stretching, or run an errand. Bodily movement will clear your head, get your blood flowing, and help bring you back into balance.

    3. Hit that snooze alarm without guilt.

    I’ve used a trick to psych myself out for years. I work backward from the time I want to wake up, factor in two snooze alarm periods, and set my clock for that earlier time.

    The result? I get a brief but lovely time in which to feel a little bit decadent. “I wish I didn’t have to get up now. Oh, wait—I don’t have to!”

    4. Pretend you’ve just woken up.

    Another mental trick—as you’re going to bed at night, tell yourself it’s morning.

    Imagine what it would feel like to go through an entire day, starting right now. Think about all that physical and mental effort. You can even do (just a few!) jumping jacks or deep stretches to give your muscles a brief sense of fatigue.

    How many times have you said to yourself, “I just wish I could go back to sleep for another eight hours”?

    Now go “back” to sleep for another eight hours.

    5. Ask for help.

    You’d think this tip wouldn’t qualify as “surprising,” yet sadly, for many of us, it does.

    When you suffer from Superhero Syndrome, you’re usually under the impression that everything on your to-do list has to be done by you.

    Granted, you may not be in the position to hire a personal staff to assist you. But that doesn’t mean you can’t ask for some help when you need it.

    As a fellow Superhero Syndrome sufferer, I know this is scary. But experience has shown me that when people value and care about you, they’re usually very happy to help. They won’t see you as weak or needy, but as someone who is strong enough to advocate for your own needs.

    Asking your spouse or partner to handle the kids for a while so you can take a break does not mean you don’t love your kids. It means you love them enough to want to give them your best, fully rested self.

    Requesting backup at work does not mean you’ll be seen as incompetent. It means you care about producing the best results possible, and that you’re secure enough to let others assist you with that.

    So go ahead and ask for support. You may very well be surprised by the result.

    6. Make a to-do list for tomorrow.

    Before bed, take five minutes to think about the next day and make some notes for yourself.

    For small tasks like calling the doctor, getting gas for the car, or picking up ingredients for dinner, writing them down or entering them into whatever device you use to track things reassures your mind, and you’ll be able to release them for the night.

    For longer-range projects, choose one small thing you can do to move them forward tomorrow.

    The idea here is that by making note of something in a place you know you’ll see it frees up your mind to relax into truly restful sleep.

    Don’t Try to Be a Superhero

    I was extremely lucky that day I fell asleep and drove off the road. A few passing drivers gave me very shocked looks as they whizzed by, but I didn’t crash into any of them. I recovered quickly enough to nudge my car back onto the road (and drive to the next exit, where I pulled over and sat there shaking for a while.)

    The most enduring result of that day has been that I now realize when I’m too tired to be safe or effective. On good days, I notice sooner and take steps to reverse the trend.

    If you’re suffering from Superhero Syndrome and trying to do too much, don’t push yourself to (or worse, past) the point of exhaustion. You may not be as lucky as I was.

    Also, just plain old “being happier and more rested” is nice, too.

    Sleeping man image via Shutterstock