Tiny Buddha

Category: change & challenges

  • When You Struggle with Being Yourself, Remember This

    When You Struggle with Being Yourself, Remember This

    “Make the most of yourself… for that is all there is of you.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

    Every day, it was more or less the same. I presented an edited version of myself to the world. I felt a deep level of discomfort with the idea of letting myself go. Could I? Should I? The answer was “no” every time, even if it wasn’t always a conscious decision.

    It felt wrong to be myself in a society where we’re conditioned to believe that we have to look and be a certain way to fit in. I believed that no one would accept me as I was. That it would result in my personality being mocked or criticized.

    After all, how can anyone understand someone who’s both quiet and bubbly? The two aren’t said to go together. If you’re bubbly, it means you’re outgoing, fun, lively. On the other hand, a quiet person is likely to be just that—quiet, all the time. At least, that’s what most people think.

    And if you’re both, then there’s something about you that isn’t quite right because you can’t be put into one box.

    As for the side of me that likes to laugh, be silly, and squeal in delight at rainbows, how childish. I need to grow up. I should be more mature like everyone else; play less and get serious about life because that’s how it is as an adult. Less fun, more… boring.

    Those thoughts held me back for years. The “shoulds” I imposed on myself were endless, and they rarely worked in my favor, so parts of me remained hidden like some shameful secret that could never be revealed. It felt like the biggest annoyance to not be able to show all sides of myself.

    As time passed, I started to notice some things about the way I interacted with people. I noticed that on some occasions, I would feel completely relaxed in a person’s presence. Talking to them felt like talking to someone I had known for years.

    There was no tension, no paranoia about what they might be thinking of me, and no unnecessary mind chatter trying to convince me that I looked stupid or weird.

    The second form of interaction was the kind of encounter where I felt judged with every breath I took.

    The vibe was off, a total mismatch, and the conversation was strained. Was it me, and was I the cause of this disconnect? Perhaps, at times, my obvious feelings of awkwardness or self-consciousness left the other person with a feeling of discomfort. Maybe they gave up after hitting the invisible wall I’d built around myself.

    And then, there was and still is the third type of interaction. The kind where I’m happy to talk to someone, but I make a conscious decision to not show all of who I am. It’s not necessarily because I don’t like the person or that I have anything against them. It’s often because I don’t feel a connection with them where I would want to show other sides of myself.

    Sometimes, but not always, I see myself as a prize. The more we get on, the more of me you win. The deeper connection I feel, the more of the prize you get to see, which may come across as pompous to a certain degree. But this isn’t about thinking that I’m better than anyone else or getting to choose someone’s level of deservability.

    It’s the level of connection that matters the most. In my mind, it’s not necessary to show everything to everyone all the time just for the sake of it, and perhaps that’s the introvert in me speaking. But that’s what has helped me to feel more okay with being myself.

    No pressure, no forcing. Just doing it my way and understanding that I get to choose: In interactions, I either reveal more of myself or I don’t. And if my holding back results in my missing out on establishing a deeper connection with someone because they took off due to seeing me as “hard work,” then that’s both of our loss. A loss, however, that won’t break us, unless we let it.

    So, when you struggle to be yourself, remember, you too have a choice. Always. And you don’t need to feel guilty or bad about not being your true self around others, especially when you don’t even want to. Sometimes, it may not even be appropriate.

    Showing up as your full-blown glorious self can feel terrifying, and that’s okay because you’re human. So obvious but so easy to forget.

    As humans, we ride the waves of life every day. Some of the waves are far too tumultuous for us to bear, and we’re left feeling battered, bruised, and shaken.

    We believe that what we’ve experienced is an unshared experience—no one will ever understand; we think that what we’ve done shouldn’t be revealed—people will think ill of us; we presume that what we’ve not done is going to be held against us. That may be the case in some instances, but the rest of the time, we’re safer than we realize.

    Being yourself is important, but forcing yourself to make it happen isn’t. You’re allowed to practice. You’re allowed to take two steps forward and five steps back. You’re allowed to trip up multiple times. You’re allowed to be human.

    So, be patient with yourself and focus on embracing your humanness because that, more than anything, is what we all share. And when we embrace it, we make it easier for ourselves to accept what, who, and how we are.

    It’s the remembering that we’re human and the compassion that we have for ourselves that steer us closer to being ourselves. Trying to be yourself while ignoring your human tendencies and being hard on yourself only leads to more trying.

    It’s time to stop trying, especially if you’ve been trying for years. Instead, spend more time noticing just how human you’re being today. Spend time noticing just how human others are being too. You may not always like what you see, but there’s no getting away from the fact that it all comes back to us being human. Multifaceted humans.

  • Freedom from Food – This Time for Good!

    Freedom from Food – This Time for Good!

    “Nonresistance is the key to the greatest power in the universe.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    I cannot say that I didn’t struggle in my life. But there’s one area in which I have overcome the challenges I was facing with hardly an effort: letting go of the eating disorder I was suffering from, getting rid of the extra weight I was carrying, and maintaining the results easily for twenty-eight years.

    How Did I Do That?

    In a minute I’ll tell you exactly how I did that and how you can do it too. But first let me take a moment to explain what exactly I was dealing with.

    As a child I always loved to eat and ate quite a lot, but though I wasn’t skinny I was always thin.

    At around fifteen I developed an eating disorder. I usually say that I suffered from bulimia, but when I read the symptoms, I’ve realized it might have been a binge eating disorder.

    I would eat a huge amount of food one day in a short period of time, and the next day I would start an extreme diet plan that I never managed to maintain for long. On one occasion I managed to maintain such a diet plan for several months until my period stopped and my hair started falling out.

    I would rarely vomit. Firstly, because it took a couple of years until I found out it was possible, and secondly, because it made my eyes red and swollen.

    But I think the exact diagnosis is not that important. In any case, I was suffering. And I’m sure you can relate, because even if you are not diagnosed with an eating disorder, you might still be struggling with endless cycles of dieting and overeating.

    (You may not be calling your eating plan “a diet,” since today it’s fashionable to say “I simply eat healthy” instead. But all those healthy *and strict* eating plans are ultimately diets, and like any diet, they eventually drive us to binge eating.)

    Why Did This Happen to Me?

    Concurrent with the development of my eating disorder I struggled as a teenager with bullying for six years.

    As an adult, when thinking about what happened, I used to say that eating was a distraction from my feelings. This is not entirely wrong; however, over time I’ve realized that this was not the main cause of my problem.

    My mother struggled most of her life with obesity and for years she tried all sorts of diets, without success.

    When I was in the seventh grade, she became concerned that I was eating too much. “If you keep eating so much, you’ll end up being fat like me,” she repeatedly told me.

    As a consequence, I came to believe that I inherited her tendency to be overweight and thus shouldn’t eat certain kinds of food. And because I had a hard time resisting the temptation, I started eating in secret and eventually developed an eating disorder and gained weight.

    The Big Shift

    Toward the age of twenty-three I woke up one morning with the understanding that not only did I think about food all day long, my efforts to overcome my weight problem didn’t get me anywhere.

    That morning I decided I would never diet again, even if it meant being overweight my entire life. I also decided that the foods that made me break my diet time and time again would become an integral part of my menu.

    For instance, from that day on, for many years my breakfast consisted of coffee and cookies (and that wasn’t the only sweet thing I ate that day).

    Once the burden of dieting was removed from my life, I no longer felt the irresistible urge to finish a whole block of chocolate like before. I knew I could eat chocolate today, tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, and so on; and thus, I got to the point where I had chocolate at home and didn’t touch it—something I couldn’t imagine before.

    During the following year my weight has balanced and to this day, twenty-eight years later, I am thin and maintaining a stable body weight.

    I still think quite a lot about food, but not obsessively, only because I enjoy it so much. I also eat quite a lot, by estimation between 1700-2000 calories a day (I don’t count). I love healthy food but also enjoy unhealthy foods, and I never feel guilty for something I ate; in the worst-case scenario I suffer from a stomachache or nausea.

    The Principles That Gained Me My Freedom

    1. No food is the enemy.

    Contrary to popular belief, no food by itself has the power to create addiction, ruin your health (unless you are suffering from a specific medical condition), or make you instantly fat. However, many people have gotten extremely rich by convincing you otherwise.

    Obviously, the main part of your diet should be healthy, yet the bigger problem than eating unhealthy food is stressing, obsessing, and loathing yourself for doing so!

    If you can’t control yourself in front of a certain food, allow yourself to eat it only when you are outside or buy it in small packages.

    2. No food is strictly forbidden.

    When we forbid ourselves from a certain food, we inevitably develop an uncontrollable desire for it, and eventually find ourselves helplessly bingeing it.

    When we allow ourselves to eat whatever we crave, as I did with sweets, the day that we don’t feel like eating the food we couldn’t resist before, or desire it only once in a while, will surely come.

    The reason why this idea seems so unrealistic to most people is due to what I’ll describe next.

    3. Give yourself permission.

    The secret of my success was that I really allowed myself to eat whatever I want for the rest of my life.

    While people sometimes say that they give themselves permission to eat certain foods, they are still driven by fear of these foods and by the belief that they shouldn’t be eating them.

    While “enjoying” their freedom, in their minds they say to themselves, “tomorrow I’ll get back on track.” (Tomorrow, in this context, can mean the next day or “as soon as I can.”)

    And as long as this is their state of mind, they’ll be impelled to eat as much as possible of the forbidden food today.

    4. Stop treating yourself as an emotional eater.

    According to the urban legend about emotional eating, a “normal” person should only eat when they are hungry, only healthy food, never eat for pleasure only, and never reach a sense of fullness.

    Anything but this is emotional eating.

    But this is a complete deception, and if you hold onto it, you’ll forever be dieting and bingeing and will always feel that something is wrong with you.

    I often eat a bit too much or things that are not so healthy. I eat not only according to my needs but also for pleasure. And if I overdo it, nausea, stomachache, and a feeling of heaviness remind me that I need to regain balance.

    I’m not saying that overeating has no emotional motive; I’m just saying that this idea has gone way too far.

    5. Follow your own guidance.

    I can promise you that as long as you eat according to someone else’s plan, or according to any strict plan, over time your efforts will be futile.

    Rules such as “You must eat breakfast,” “three (or six) meals a day,” “Chew each bite thirty times,” “Never eat in front of the TV,” or, “Don’t eat after 7pm,” will only stand between you and your natural instincts and enhance fear and self-judgment.

    I eat fast, mainly in front of the TV, I eat small portions every one to three hours, I eat late at night—and that’s fine for me.

    So listen to yourself and learn through trial and error what works best for your body.

    6. Be honest with yourself.

    Often people say things like, “I’ve forgotten to eat,” “I’m never hungry before 4pm,” or, “one modest meal a day totally satisfies me.”

    They insist so strongly it’s the truth that they manage to deceive even themselves. But only for a while. Eventually their natural hunger and satisfy mechanisms reveal the truth, and again they find themselves bingeing.

    So don’t play games with yourself. It might work in the short term, but it keeps you in the loop of weight fluctuations and obsessive thinking about food in the long term.

    7. Do not waste calories on something you don’t like.

    If you insist on eating something you don’t want to, you’ll find yourself craving what you really desired and eventually eating it in addition to what you already ate.

    8. Be physically active.

    Being physically active boosts your metabolism and immune system and supports your emotional and physical well-being.

    Sometimes, however, people set a trap for themselves when they push themselves too far with exercising, and thus, after a while they can’t endure it anymore and ultimately quit.

    Instead, be as active as you can and in the way that best suits you. That will serve you much better in the long term.

    9. Focus on reaching a balance.

    Your ideal body weight might be a bit higher than the one you desire. But remember, insisting on reaching a certain body weight that is beyond your natural balance will cost you your freedom and keep you in the vicious circle of dieting and bingeing.

    Last but Not Least…

    The concept I’ve offered here won’t make you lose weight overnight. It took me a year to lose the excess twenty-two pounds I was carrying. And if you have more weight to lose it might take a bit longer.

    But if you feed it well, without driving it crazy with constant fluctuations between starvations and overeating, over time your body will relax and balance itself, this time for good.

  • I Got Fired for Struggling with Depression, and It’s Not Okay

    I Got Fired for Struggling with Depression, and It’s Not Okay

    “About all you can do in life is be who you are. Some people will love you for you. Most will love you for what you can do for them, and some won’t like you at all.” ~Rita Mae Brown

    The stigma associated with mental illness has improved in recent years, but there is still work to be done.

    I am a certified life coach and a certified personal trainer. As an employee of a major global fitness studio chain, I was once discriminated against for my mental health issues.

    I have always been an athlete, and I love sports. Before deciding to go to college for engineering, I thought I’d take the medical school route with the goal of becoming an orthopedic surgeon—I was always fascinated with the body’s structure and how all of the muscles, ligaments, and tendons worked together. But I chose the engineering path and kept my athletic pursuits and fascination with body mechanics and such as hobbies.

    When I was going through my divorce, I decided to get my personal trainer certificate. I had been a stay-at-home mom and part-time photographer since my first child was born, and divorcing meant I would need to go back to work. However, I was not interested in a corporate cubicle job.

    I studied hard, took the exam, and quickly landed my first training job as a coach for a global fitness studio chain. The classes at this particular chain were basically high-intensity interval based, combining treadmill running, rowing, and strength training. The classes of up to thirty-something athletes were coached by one trainer who timed the intervals and explained the workouts.

    It was a very high-energy workout and atmosphere with loud, pumping music and drill-sergeant-like yellings of encouragement.

    The training for this position was an intense week-long ordeal. I worked my butt off during that week with no guarantee of a job (which they neglected to tell us until the week of training was almost over).

    When I was ready to teach my first class, I was excited and nervous, but I ended up loving coaching the classes. There were many unfit individuals who barely knew how to do a squat, and I loved not only teaching them but encouraging them and helping them believe that they could master these exercises and become good at them.

    I helped many people see themselves as athletes when they went from barely being able to walk for three minutes straight to actually running for three minutes straight.

    We had member challenges, including a weight loss challenge. I loved it, and given my background battling an eating disorder, this was my chance to come at weight loss from a place of healthy living—not losing weight to measure up to some ridiculous standard.

    After each class, members of my team would stay after to ask questions about nutrition, exercise, and recovery. I loved sharing my knowledge with them as well as cheering them on. I knew they could reach their goals, and they did. My team won the challenge.

    During this period of time working for this company, I was struggling with my own personal hell. I would show up to class to coach and put on my high-energy, happy face, blast the music, and yell those firm, but loving words of encouragement for my athletes to give it everything they had during each interval. But inside, I felt like I was dying.

    I lived with a sinking, sick pit in my stomach. I’d often leave the studio and cry in my car before going back to the lonely home that once housed a family.

    During my tenure at the studio, I was hospitalized for severe depression twice. Both times required me to take a short leave of absence—a few days the first time, and nearly a week the second time.

    I also took a last-minute trip on Christmas Day back home to see my family so I would have some family support for that first Christmas without my kids (they were with their dad that year). I got someone else to cover the class I was scheduled to teach.

    When I returned from my trip, I came back to work and taught my scheduled classes. As I was leaving, the head trainer and one of the main investors of all Maryland franchises made me stay so they could fire me.

    They told me that my performance wasn’t up to par and that they had to let me go.  

    Funny, I had never had anyone give me any indication that I needed to improve anything to keep my job. Not even in my evaluation with the head trainer—she gave me some constructive feedback but also indicated that I was doing a good job. There had been zero warning signs.

    After my departure, a large number of my students reached out to me asking where I was and why I wasn’t teaching anymore. When I told them the reason, they were appalled and angry. One or two even canceled their membership.

    They loved my classes and would come because they liked my style of teaching. I asked to see member surveys for my classes, but management refused to show them to me stating that “surveys don’t tell the whole story.”

    Other trainers, including another head trainer who had been with the Maryland franchises since the first location opened, thought the whole thing was absurd and offered that I could come back and teach at his location. As much as I loved coaching, I was still too upset at the way the company had handled my dismissal to take him up on his offer.

    I tell this story because what happened to me was cruel and heartless and should never happen to anyone who is genuinely giving their best effort in a job. It should never happen to anyone without proper warning.

    I was struggling on a level I doubt either the twenty-something head trainer or bougie investor ever had to endure, and they let me go for some made-up reason that, below the surface, really came back to my mental health struggle.

    Authenticity is a topic that is near and dear to my heart, and I feel that authenticity in the workplace is sorely lacking.

    All too often, we feel like we can’t show up as our authentic selves for fear of looking weak or incompetent. We need to be competitive and not show any sign that we aren’t anything but perfect for fear someone else might get ahead because of an incorrect perception (one that is wrongly distorted by mental health struggles) that others have of our ability to get the job done.

    I did my job as a coach and trainer, and I did it well. Ask any of my students. But on some level, management sensed my weakness and decided I didn’t fit the “brand image” of this very popular and trendy international fitness studio chain because I was struggling with mental illness.

    If you asked them, I am quite certain that they would argue their reasoning had to do with other factors, but the facts just don’t add up.

    I had never been let go from a job in my life. This added to my depression and anxiety. I understand that if I had not been able to perform my duties, that would have been grounds for dismissal. But I gave it my all and never received any negative feedback indicative of my job being in jeopardy.

    My struggle with depression at that time was no different than someone struggling with a physical illness.

    If I was undergoing treatment for cancer, I am quite certain this scenario would have gone quite differently. I am certain there would have at least been a conversation about the situation, rather than just flat-out making up an excuse that my performance wasn’t up to par and firing a single mom without another job to go to.

    We have to remove the stigma mental illness has in the workplace. We have to make it okay for people to show up and say, “Hey, I’m struggling right now. I am doing my best, but I’m having a hard time.” That shouldn’t be a weakness. If anything, it’s a strength to admit when you’re struggling and need some help.

    Are strides being made? Yes. But the disparity between the perception of physical illness and mental illness is still too great. This needs to change.

    How could my former employer have handled this differently?

    First of all, if they didn’t think my performance was good enough, they should have given me a chance to improve. They should have told me that I needed to change something, because I’m the type of person that, when given feedback, will do everything possible to nail it. At that point in my life, I was still firmly rooted in perfectionist mode, and the very thought of someone thinking I’m not perfect would have been enough to send me into a frenzied mission to correct that perception.

    If they were not thrilled with the time I had to take off for my hospitalizations and my last-minute trip where I had someone else cover one class, the head trainer should have communicated to me that it was unacceptable and given me a warning. That would have given me a chance to have an honest conversation about the struggles I was having.

    In even a minimally caring environment, it makes more sense to help employees succeed rather than throw them away the moment you don’t like them. It’s much more expensive to go through training a new employee than to try to improve one you already have.

    In the fitness industry in particular, I feel that there is little room for perceived imperfection, and there is even less room for a flawed trainer or coach. The fitness industry perpetuates the lie that trainers and coaches have their sh*t together—that’s why they’re the ones training you. That’s why you can’t get these results yourself—because you’re not perfect and you don’t know how to be perfect.

    Authenticity in any workplace is so important. When we are afraid to show up as ourselves with not only our flaws but also our gifts and talents, that’s where creativity ends. When we aren’t able to exercise our creativity, innovation is thwarted. And when innovation stops, that’s where everyone gets stuck.

    Looking back, I now know that I never want to be employed by such shallow and uncompassionate people, but I also know that just wasn’t the place for me. There is no place I want to be where I can’t show up as my true self and say, “Hey, I can bring a lot to the table, but I’m also flawed and I’m okay with that.”

    The reaction should be “Yeah, me too. Welcome to the club,”

    Because we are all imperfect. And that’s a fact.

  • 39 Supportive Things to Say to a Male Survivor of Sexual Assault

    39 Supportive Things to Say to a Male Survivor of Sexual Assault

    “One in six men will be sexually assaulted at some point in their life. It doesn’t make us weak or less masculine—nor should it. Rather, we, as men, should encourage other men to speak up, to be courageous, share this burden with others, and to attend therapy and take medication. There is such a thing as healthy masculinity, and we can find that in our fellow men, in comforting those who are having a rough time. Seeking help in a healthy way, wanting to be better, practicing empathy and compassion and caring for each other are ways of practicing healthy masculinity.” ~Anonymous

    Why is it that men are less likely to be supported than female survivors of sexual assault? No matter a person’s gender or sexual orientation, all survivors deserve love and support.

    In 2013, I became an activist for survivors of sexual assault. I was living in New York City, and my method for getting the message out was through chalk art. To reclaim my voice after the NYPD threw out my sexual assault case, I went all over Brooklyn and Manhattan scribbling chalk art messages about consent.

    Since then, I have done thousands of chalk art drawings all over the world, from Europe to South Africa. Using art as a tool of activism has been an extremely powerful way of reaching millions with an important message: It’s time to replace the current rape culture that we live in with a culture of consent.

    It’s a common notion that it’s impossible for a male to be raped. Male survivors who speak up are often met with the response, “How can a boy get raped?” The answer is, if he does not give his consent, it’s rape.

    It doesn’t matter if the rapist was male, female, or any other gender identity. If he denies consent, it’s rape. Any person of any gender can be raped.

    Imagine how hard it is for a woman to speak up and report a rape. That difficulty is doubled for men because the patriarchal concept that “men cannot be raped” ruins any hope for male survivors to get the support they deserve. This concept totally dismisses the real-life experiences of millions of men who actually have been sexually assaulted.

    For fear of not being believed, it’s fair to assume that millions of men hide in silence. Very few heal or recover due to the stigma of male rape.

    Men’s stories matter. Men’s healing is just as important as healing for others. When men heal, the whole world heals, because the world is still run by men.

    Suicide rates are often higher in males because so many of them fail to express their emotions due to the patriarchal concept that crying is a sign of weakness, particularly in men.

    When a man is seen crying, he is often told to “man up.” Due to fear of being called weak, men hold in all their tears instead of releasing them.

    Shaming men and boys out of crying is mental torture for those who truly wish to express themselves. Men who have been raped should be uplifted in their healing, however they see fit. If their healing includes shedding a tear for all the pain they endured, it is their right to do so.

    Here are thirty-nine uplifting messages for male rape survivors.

    1. Your pain is valid.

    2. The person who did this to you is the only person to blame, not yourself.

    3. You are not less of a man for being sexually assaulted.

    4. Being a survivor does not define who you are as a man.

    5. A survivor is anything but weak.

    6. Don’t be afraid to talk about it.

    7. Never blame yourself.

    8. Things will get better.

    9. You are so incredibly strong.

    10. I’m proud of you!

    11. You are not alone.

    12. What you are going through is temporary.

    13. You are loved.

    14. You’ll see the light one day and be happy again, I promise!

    15. You have many people who believe and support you.

    16. You are worthy of love and respect.

    17. You don’t need to feel ashamed.

    18. Talking about it to someone you trust will help.

    19. You are heard.

    20. You are valid.

    21. You don’t have to be strong all the time.

    22. It’s okay to cry.

    23. You’re safe to express your emotions.

    24. Some days may be better than others, but you will get there.

    25. You will grow and survive this current pain.

    26. We support you.

    27. Even if you had an erection, you still weren’t “asking for it.”

    28. Even if you had an orgasm, if you didn’t want it, it was rape.

    29. We applaud you and your courage.

    30. Feel the pain instead of numbing it.

    31. You gotta feel it to heal it.

    32. You’re still manly and I adore you.

    33. Tears are a sign of strength.

    34. The sickness of another is not your burden to bear.

    35. Being a victim is difficult, but in time you will heal.

    36. There are people out there that love you and are willing to listen to you (including me).

    37. Keep staying alive. There is so much to live for.

    38. You are brave for admitting what happened.

    39. We are in this together.

    The idea that men cannot get raped is perpetuated by the false belief that all men want is sex, every hour of the day. While I was doing #StopRapeEducate chalk art in New York City in Union Square one day, a young, Afro-Latino couple stopped to read the message I was writing: “Rape knows no gender.”

    The girl looked puzzled and asked me what it meant. I told her that it means anyone can get raped, whether they are a male or a female.

    She burst into laughter and said, “A guy…. hahaha…get raped?! Ha! How is that even possible? Shit, I’m sure they would love that. That’s every guy’s dream.”

    I gave her the straight-face-emoji-look and said, “Actually, that’s not true. Men who get raped are traumatized just as much as female victims. I’ve met tons of guys who have been raped. It’s a serious problem.” She straightened up quickly.

    Men have freewill to decide if they want to have sex or not. If you are someone who dates men, it’s important to accept that the men in your life may not always be in the mood to do it, and that’s okay.

    Before I understood this, in my younger years, I recall pressuring myself to be readily available for sex with guys. I would even go as far as to pounce on them, thinking that that’s what they wanted. I had seen it a million times in movies as a way of women initiating sex: no questions asked, just pounce.

    One of my friends that I used to hook up with told me once that he was tired of my sexual advances. I felt so ashamed and disgusted with myself because I was caught up in stereotypes about male sexuality that I gave myself to someone that didn’t have interest in me.

    This is why sexual education is so important. It’s unacceptable for us to learn about sex from movies, television, and porn.

    The reality is, men and boys are not sex machines. Nobody is. It’s always okay to say no to sex, and it’s never acceptable to assume that someone wants to do it.

    To create a safer, more loving world for all of us, let us respect and support male survivors of sexual assault rather than reinforcing toxic masculinity rooted in rape culture.

  • What Happened When I Stopped Drinking Alcohol Every Night

    What Happened When I Stopped Drinking Alcohol Every Night

    “First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.” ~F. Scott Fitzgerald

    I love Sophia Loren. There’s a picture of her in my home looking eternally youthful and refreshed. From what I’ve been told, it’s due to her nine to ten hours of sleep each night.

    When I look at this picture, I see someone who revels in the delights of life. Food, laughter, sex, work, motherhood, and self-care. Not long ago I stared at that picture thinking, “How could I admire someone so much and live my life in such a different way from hers?”

    Have you heard of the halo effect? It’s when you do the things you know are right for your body, mind, and spirit, and in doing so you begin to exude this powerfully beautiful and enticing energy others can’t get enough of. I now realize my relationship with the daily habit of alcohol was actually diminishing the glow of my halo. It was essentially stealing my joy, time, money, looks, well-being, and especially my slumber.

    Who knew that for so long my beauty sleep was being hijacked by alcohol!

    Puffy face, dark circles, dry mouth, red eyes, weight gain, and not to mention the headache, elevated heartbeat, anxiety… these are just a few of the lovely side effects I experienced with overindulging in the bottle.

    In trying to reduce overwhelm, I inadvertently was fueling it through interrupted sleep and the fuzzy feeling the following day. 

    Do I think alcohol is bad or that drinking is off-limits? No.

    I do know for myself that the daily two, sometimes three, glasses of wine took a toll. It stole any type of focus and motivation the next day to follow through on all the things I said I would accomplish the night before, basking in the embrace of my main squeeze, Mr. P (Pinot Noir, that is.)

    My relationship with alcohol was stealing my ability to step into the life I claimed to desire.

    I wanted to release weight.

    I wanted to make more money.

    I wanted to write my book.

    Until I released the hold Mr. P had on me, I knew deep down I would never come close to achieving any of those dreams.

    Every morning I wake up and ask myself three things:

    1. How do I want to feel today?
    2. What is one thing I can do to love myself today?
    3. What can I give to others today?

    My answer to #2 was often…

    “Drink more water.”

    “Start weight training.”

    “Let go of gluten.”

    The truth was the one true voice within was quietly and patiently saying day after day, “Take a break from alcohol.”

    I just wasn’t ready to listen.

    A phone call eventually prompted an experiment in courage.

    For ninety days I promised a friend I would join her on an alcohol reset. After I hung up that fateful Sunday, I went to the calendar to mark the ninetieth day. Immediately fear crept in with thoughts like “You’ve tried this before, and it didn’t work” and “You won’t even make it through tonight.”

    Fortunately, in that moment, something other than myself took over. It was as if I was whisked into something beyond my own comprehension, because the next 120 days flew by. In fact, after day twenty-one I stopped counting. I no longer was ticking off the calendar to when I could finally have a drink. Why? Probably because I knew in my heart the steady drip of wine each night was simply not serving me, my purpose, my body, or my pocketbook.

    Why was this time different? Because I looked at it as something I “got” to do rather than “had” to do. I viewed it as a gift rather than a cleanse.

    What is on the other side of a toxic relationship with alcohol? More than I could imagine. Every morning I wake up and think, “I am so lucky.” It’s as though I’ve captured more time in my day, and each moment holds a sense of sacredness.

    I’ve seen sunrises by candlelight, baked banana bread before bed, and gotten more done by 8am than I ever did after 5pm.

    I’ve finished a Netflix show without falling asleep… and actually remembered what I watched.

    I’ve released twenty pounds.

    I wake up hydrated.

    My skin seems to have reversed in time a la Benjamin Button.

    The list goes on and on.

    The other day my mother gave me a compliment that made me cry… in a good way.

    She said, “You know, it’s like your skin, your hair… you look like you used to look when you were younger.”

    For so long I was using wine to push down the unwanted feelings of anxiety and overwhelm. While I thought I was “taking the edge off,” I was actually making myself edgy!

    These days, I plan my fun based on how I want to feel the next morning. What I’ve discovered is that taking a break from happy hour can literally transform not only the other twenty-four hours of your day but your life as well.

    When you have enough energy and vitality to embrace the day, you start to find little miracles everywhere in the form of simple pleasures, a pleasant conversation with a friend, or a moment that might have sent you into a tailspin… but now you breathe through it with patience and grace.

    People often ask me, “Do you ever have a glass of wine… ever?”

    Probably every two weeks or so if I am being social (and socially distancing) with family or friends. Do I enjoy it? Yes and no. In fact, the few times I have had a glass or two, it no longer held any energy for me. It’s now a “take it or leave it” kind of thing.

    In fact, it’s as if moderation moves you toward abstinence.

    Why? Because I am no longer willing to sacrifice how good I feel the next morning for alcohol.

    I also revel in the reduction of anxiety! Why would I want to go back to something that was creating the exact experience that was causing me to emotionally suffer?

    Yes, there are people who can drink daily and function fine, and there are those who can’t drink at all. And then there are people like me who know alcohol isn’t the kind of friend they want to hang out with every day but perhaps in very small doses every so often.

    Drinking is marketed as sexy, elegant, and unifying.

    Is slurring your words sexy? Is stumbling out of a restaurant elegant? Is not remembering the conversation you had with a friend unifying?

    The reality for me was alcohol made me feel drained, grumpy, and even a wee bit nauseous. How you feel is creating your day and, in essence, your life. So, if you feel cluttered and haphazard waking up, you are creating a cluttered and haphazard day. 

    I used to wake up and run to the kitchen. Waiting for me was the one thing that would decide if I needed to beat myself up or pat myself on the back. Like the scale, the opened bottle of wine oftentimes determined if I was “good” or “bad” the previous day.

    Only one-fourth of the bottle left? Bad girl!

    Three-quarters left? Good girl!

    So much time, energy, and thinking put into the act of drinking!

    In the end, bedtime is the best of all.

    Four hours of alcohol-free sleep is WAY more rejuvenating than nine hours of alcohol-infused sleep. Waking up feeling your body buzzing (in a good way!) is the best high of all.

    If your inner voice is asking for a break, maybe it’s time to listen.

    Sweet dreams.

  • The Joy of Not Getting What We Want

    The Joy of Not Getting What We Want

    “Remember that not getting what you want Is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.” ~Dalai Lama

    Let me tell you a story. I first read it in a book on Taoism, but I’ve seen it in at least a dozen other places since then, each with its own variation. Here’s the gist:

    There’s this farmer. His favorite horse runs away. Everyone tells him that this is a terrible turn of events and that they are sorry for him. He says, “We’ll see.”

    The horse comes back a few days later, and it brings an entire herd of wild horses with it. Everyone tells him that this is a wonderful turn of events and that they’re happy for him. He says, “We’ll see.”

    The farmer’s son is trying to break one of the new horses, it throws him, and he breaks his leg. Everyone tells the farmer that this is a terrible turn of events and that they’re sorry for him. He says, “We’ll see.”

    The army comes through the village. The country is at war and they are conscripting people to go fight. They leave the farmer’s son alone because he has a broken leg. Everyone tells him that this is a wonderful turn of events and that they’re happy for him.

    The farmer says, “We’ll see.”

    Now let me tell you who I was when I first heard that story. I was twenty-three or twenty-four, trying to get off of drugs and stop drinking and turn my life around in general. I had recently rolled my car out into a field, lost my wife and most of my friends, and had moved to West Texas to start over.

    I was smart enough to know something had to change, but I wasn’t quite smart enough to know how, so I tried to do what I thought smart people did—I started going to the library.

    I initially got into a bunch of weird stuff like alternate theories about the history of the world, cryptozoology, and things like that. Not really the change I needed.

    One day I went to the library looking for a book about the Mothman, but Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time was sitting in its place. I didn’t know anything about this book or the things it talked about, but the title was cool, and libraries are free, so I checked it out.

    It’s hard to exaggerate how much this book revolutionized my view of the universe and my place in it. It was thrilling to recognize how much there was out there that I didn’t know. Atlantis and Bigfoot were replaced by quantum mechanics and string theory.

    I eventually stumbled onto The Dancing Wu Li Masters by Gary Zukav, rearranging my worldview again. Having grown up in a pretty strict evangelical home, any sort of eastern philosophy was completely outside my frame of reference. This led me to begin studying Taoism and Buddhism, most specifically Zen Buddhism, and to the story I started this post with.

    I started to recognize that I had a mind, but I was not my mind. Meditation showed me how this mind was always grasping and wanting and reaching out for different things. It was a craving and aversion machine.

    It wasn’t long before I realized that it wanted these things solely for the sake of having them, and that none of them were all that important. I just wanted what I wanted because I wanted it.

    This changed everything.

    I had spent the previous fifteen years running from one thing to another in order to avoid anxiety, fear, anger, and depression. I did this through drugs and alcohol and taking crazy risks with my life. These things have consequences.

    These consequences came as car wrecks, jail time, hospitalizations, and a long string of destroyed relationships. I was so captivated by my wants that I was running through life with my eyes closed, blindly chasing them, with predictable results.

    Realizing that I was not my mind gave me a sense of objectivity about the things I wanted and the things I did not want. It taught me that I didn’t have to be so attached to having or avoiding things. This let me stop running.

    I learned that getting our way is overrated. Once we recognize this, we are much less susceptible to the whims of a flimsy, fragile, and fickle mind.

    Why We Have No Business Getting What We Want

    There are three primary reasons we need to be careful about being too invested in getting what we want:

    • We are emotional creatures, driven by things like hunger and a bad night’s sleep.
    • To a great extent we’re wired for short-term thinking. Immediate benefit often outweighs long-term consequences.
    • We experience time in a linear fashion, so the future is completely unknown to us.

    Let’s take a look at these.

    Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired

    I often encourage people to memorize the acronym HALTS to use when making decisions. It stands for hungry, happy, angry, lonely, tired, stressed, and sad.

    These are all common emotional states, and they are all terrible times to make a decision. We’ve all heard the advice not to go shopping while we’re hungry, and there’s a reason for that—it’s good advice. You will buy more food than you need, all based on how you feel in that moment.

    I’m not sure I’ve ever seen good decisions come from these emotional states, unless luck intervened and let the person off the hook. It all makes sense when we think about it.

    Anger shuts down the best parts of out brain. Situations go from bad to worse and from worse to unfixable when we decide to address something in a moment of anger.

    When we are sad the entire world seems bleak and it feels like it will never change. This is okay, unless we make long-term decisions based on the idea of an ominous, crushing world.

    Stress makes even the smallest things feel overwhelming. We cannot make good decisions when making our bed or going grocery shopping sound like monumental tasks.

    When we’re lonely we’re likely to let the wrong people into our lives just because we need someone. This opens us up to toxic, manipulative, and malicious people.

    Our brains are slow and sluggish when we are tired, and our decisions are, unfortunately, rarely our best.

    Even the so-called positive emotions aren’t safe. I know I have overcommitted to things on days when I was happy and feeling a little bit better than normal.

    When you take all of this together, it helps us to see that the things we want are flimsy and that they change depending on our mood. The things we want become a lot less important when we realize that we might only want them because we had a bad night’s sleep, or we skipped lunch.

    Short-Term Planning

    Our immediate responses are rarely oriented to the long term. This makes sense, since most of the things our body needs are immediate—food, sleep, protection, sex, using the bathroom, etc.

    The problem arises when we focus on meeting these needs to the exclusion of the things that are good for us long term. I wasn’t stupid—I’d always known that the drinking and drugs were a problem. The problem was that rational James was usually outvoted by crazy James.

    I had good intentions, and they held so long as I wasn’t around any of my temptations. My long-term planning was solid until short-term fun was in front of me. It was infuriating to watch my resolve and dreams go out the window over and over again.

    As I mentioned above, our wants are flimsy when we begin to explore them. Why do you want chocolate? Why do you want a beer? Why do you want to go on a walk? Why do you want to go to Disney World?

    We have all sorts of answers for these questions:

    Because I deserve it.

    Because I need to relax.

    Because it’s a nice day outside.

    Because Disney World is the happiest place on earth.

    These don’t really hold up when we examine them though.

    Why do you deserve it?

    What does it mean to relax?

    What makes it a nice day?

    What makes Disney World the happiest place on earth?

    If we keep going, we always arrive at the realization that we just want to feel good one way or another. We want to feel good for the sake of feeling good. While there’s definitely nothing wrong with this, it is ultimately baseless, and we cannot let it drive our lives.

    Not feeling good is a part of the human experience. You’re going to get sick, you’re going to have days that are not as good as other days, you’re going to have a headache sometimes. These things are unavoidable.

    The things we want right here and right now are rarely the best things for us long term. Because of this, long-term planning requires intentionality and energy. It may be inconvenient but it’s true.

    We Can’t Predict the Future

    As a kid, I remember thinking it was weird that we couldn’t remember the future. If I could remember what happened yesterday, why couldn’t my brain go the other direction?

    This is one of the primary limitations of our species, and the most important reason that we shouldn’t hold the things we want too tightly. We don’t know how anything is going to turn out, including what will happen if we get what we want.

    I used to drive through Lubbock, Texas, once or twice a year to go skiing. Lubbock is a city out in the desert, and while I have come to love it here, I don’t think anyone would describe it as beautiful.

    Lubbock has some dubious honors. We have been voted most boring city in America, worst weather in the world, and I recently read that we have the worst diet in the United States. Our poverty and violent crime rates are roughly double the national average, and we score high on things like child abuse and teen pregnancy.

    I always swore I’d never live in a place like Lubbock when I would pass through here, but moving here twenty years ago saved my life. The place that I loved, Austin, I brought me to rock bottom. it was only a matter of time before I was dead or in prison.

    On the other hand, the place that I swore I’d never live has given me a college education, a family, and a successful business—all things that I thought only existed for other people. I honestly shudder when I think what my life would have looked like had I not moved.

    There have been smaller examples along the way. I was working at a CD store and loved it, but one Sunday corporate came in and said they were shutting the place down. They gave me a two-week paycheck to help them pack the store up and move it out. It was that abrupt.

    It sucked, but this led me to working at hotels, where I was able to get paid to do all my homework and still have time to read for fun. I burned through all the Russian classics, made all A’s, and got to spend a lot of time with my son when he was little. I will always be grateful for that.

    Before opening my practice, I was working at a private university. For someone with sixty-plus jobs in their life (my wife and I made a list), working on a college campus was amazing—it was the first place I saw as a “forever” job.

    When things went bad, they went all bad and it was obvious it was time to leave, but I was comfortable. I ignored some problems I should not have been ignoring, and it caught up with me. By the time I left I was burned out and sick all the time.

    This catapulted me into opening my own business because I didn’t really see any other options. I’d never seen myself as being responsible enough to do this, and people told me I didn’t have the head for it.

    Six years later, my business has been super successful and afforded me more freedom than I could ever imagine, but even this wasn’t the end. I recently closed my office to stay home with my kids, another twist I couldn’t have seen coming.

    We are trapped in linear time, so we don’t know what’s coming right around the corner. Holding on to one thing or another as the right thing or the thing we “should’ have often causes us to miss the amazing things right in front of us.

    Accepting What We Get

    My life has been a series of hard lessons brought about by my self-absorbed, entitled, and foolish choices. They have all, in one way or another, taught me one thing: I don’t know what’s best, so a majority of the time I don’t have any business getting what I want.

    Things like someone shelving a library book in the wrong place, corporate closing the place I worked, and moving to a city I actively disliked have brought about the best things in my life. I would not have chosen any of these if I’d been given the choice.

    We are emotional, shortsighted creatures who have no access to the future. Learning to cultivate acceptance for the things outside of our control often opens up amazing paths for us. I know it has for me.

  • What If There’s Beauty on the Other Side of Your Pain?

    What If There’s Beauty on the Other Side of Your Pain?

    “The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing.” ~Albert Einstein

    “I don’t want to live anymore. I don’t want to be here. I can’t do this. It hurts too much. It’s too hard.”

    I’m curious how many times I’ve heard these words over my lifetime. From different people, ages, genders, ethnicities, and walks of life. The words the same, the heaviness no different from one to the next. Hopelessness has a specific tone attached to it. Flat, low, and empty.

    Being the child of a parent who committed suicide, there is a familiar inner fear that washes over me when I hear these words. A hyper alertness and tuning in, knowing it’s time to roll up my sleeves.

    As a psychotherapist, there is a checklist that goes through my head to make sure I ask all of the right questions as I assess the level of pain they are experiencing.

    As a human, a warm wave of compassion takes over as I feel around for what this particular soul needs.

    After asking the typical safety questions and determining this person is not at significant risk of ending their life, I ask, “So what is the end goal here? What do you think happens after you die? Where will you go? How will you feel? What will feel different when you’re dead versus how you feel right now?”

    The answers vary from “It will be dark and nothingness, no feeling, no existence” to “I’ll be in heaven and done with this,” but more often than not they say, “I don’t know.”

    I sometimes question, “Well, if you don’t know how can you guarantee it will be better than this? What if it’s worse? What if you have to relive it all again? What if you are stuck in a dark abyss and can’t get out?”

    More times than not they have not thought this through. They are not thinking about what is next, mostly because what they are really saying is “I don’t want to feel like this anymore.”

    I get that. We all have those moments.

    Then I dig in further:

    “How do you know your miracle is not around the corner? How do you know relief will not come tomorrow if you allow the opportunity for one more day? What would it be like to be curious about what’s next instead of assuming it will all be just as miserable?

    Since you have not always felt like this, is it possible you may one day again feel joy and freedom?

    If you look at your past, you’ll see you have had many fears and low moments. Did they stay the same or did they change? Most of your fears did not come to be, and if they did, you survived them—you made it through. You may have even learned something or strengthened your ability to be brave.

    If you turn around, you can see there is a lifetime of proof that your world is always changing and shifting. You’ll see many moments when it may have felt like things were not going the direction you wanted, but you’ll likely see an equal number of moments that led you to exactly what you needed. Use those as evidence that your surprise joy may be just around the corner.

    During these conversations, my own curiosity resurfaces. I often ponder if my mother held out a little longer what her life would have looked like. I wonder if another medication would have helped her. Or if the words of an inspiring book may have offered her the hope to keep holding on. Or if the feeling of the sun on her face would have kissed her long enough for her to want a little bit more.

    What if she held on to the curiosity of what was to come instead of deciding there were no surprises or joy left? Would she have felt the bittersweet moment of watching me graduate from high school? Would she have been there to cheer me on when I earned my master’s degree hoping to help people just like her? Would she have held my daughter, her first grandchild, and wept tears of joy knowing she made it?

    Who knows what her life would have been like if she held on for one more day? I will never know, but I am curious.

    I have sat with countless children and adults while they are deep in their pain. I ache for them, cry for them, and also feel hope for them. I wonder out loud what will happen next that we cannot see.

    I’ve seen pregnancies come when hope had left, new relationships be birthed when the people involved were sure they would never feel loved again, new jobs appear out of nowhere at just the “right” time. I’ve seen illnesses dissipate once people started paying attention to themselves, and moments of joy build in the hearts of those who were certain there was no light left.

    The truth is, we don’t know what will happen next, but we know we have made it this far. How do we know tomorrow won’t be exactly what we’ve been waiting for?

    I believe our baseline feeling as humans is peace. The loving calm that fills us when we are in the presence of those we adore. The kind of whole that we feel when we’ve done something we feel proud of and we reconnect to the love we are made of. The way we feel when we are giving love to others and the way we feel when that love is returned.

    I also believe that the human experience is filled with struggle and hardship and challenge. I don’t think we are getting out of it. I believe we are equipped with the power to lean into our pain to let it move through us. To use our experiences as our strength and our knowledge for the next wave of frustration.

    I don’t believe we are supposed to suffer, but rather learn to thrive in the face of hardship and use hope as the steering wheel to guide us through… knowing even though the light may not be right in front of us, it’s just around the corner.

    And the more we employ this faith and our practices that support us, the quicker we are able to return to the peace that lies underneath.

    In the moments of hardship, what would it be like to allow for curiosity? To not only acknowledge the feeling in front of us—and feel it—but to also allow for the possibility of what is to come.

    All of our experiences come with the free will to choose how we will respond to them. With openness and wonder or dismissal and resistance. It’s also okay to feel it all at once. The feelings will pass. They always do.

    The next time you feel stuck in a feeling, or what feels like a never-ending experience, consider thinking: I wonder what will come of this. I wonder what I will gain. I wonder what strengths I will develop and how I will support myself. I wonder what beauty lies on the other side of this pain. Don’t push through it but surrender into it.

    Then allow for curiosity. Be open. You never know what surprises the day may bring. Maybe today is the day it all changes. Or maybe tomorrow. You may not know the day, but you can be ready and open for it when it arrives.

  • 44 Things to Never Say to a Rape Survivor

    44 Things to Never Say to a Rape Survivor

    “It was not your fault, even if you were drunk, even if you were wearing a low-cut mini-dress, even if you were out walking alone at night, even if you were on a date with the rapist and kind of liked him but didn’t want to have sex with him.” ~Joanna Connors

    Child sexual abuse victims who speak up are incredibly brave and vulnerable. If a child comes to you for support, be mindful of your energy and reactions. If you need to ask them questions to get a better understanding, be mindful of your tone, body language, and intonation.

    When I experienced sexual assault at the age of thirteen, I didn’t tell anyone because I was afraid that I would be punished.

    I grew up in a home where I was trained to not show too much skin and to always avoid the male gaze. The day I was raped, I was wearing a skirt. I knew that, somehow, I would be blamed and punished, so I stayed quiet.

    As an adult, I learned through spirituality that I needed to change how I viewed rape survivors and myself. None of us “asked for it.”

    When addressing a rape survivor, it’s important to use consent-oriented etiquette and language. There are a variety of words and phrases you should never say.

    Be gentle with sexual assault survivors. Rape is a delicate and triggering topic. If someone comes to you for help, ask them what they need and if there is anything you can do for them.

    Listen. Check in on them.

    Look past your judgments of the situation and just be there to support them as best you can. Be sure to take care of yourself and your energy while helping others.

    Typically, I would only ask questions if you need to. Some people do not wish to share details of a traumatic experience. This is understandable.

    If you are required to ask some of the following questions for an investigation, be sensitive to your tone. Avoid judgment and any phrases that sound judgmental.

    It can even be helpful to say, “Rape is never the victim’s fault. I just need to ask you a few questions to get a better picture of what happened. Is that okay with you?”

    Only say what needs to be said. Only ask what needs to be asked. You may want to dig deeper, but you might end up saying the wrong thing and retraumatizing them further.

    Rape survivors need to be heard.

    How would you want to be treated if you went to someone for help? Give them the most compassion and unconditional love you can channel from your innermost being.  That’s the best way to support them.

    To shift from our current rape culture and into a culture of consent, we must change the mindless, go-to reactions that we have toward victims of sexual abuse.

    Why is it common to ask, “Was she drunk?” Why do people inquire about what someone was wearing at the time of a sexual assault?

    It’s common because society has taught us to judge instead of love. In a culture of consent, the mindset is different.

    In a culture of consent, we know that it doesn’t matter if someone was drinking. No one deserves rape.

    In a culture of consent, there is less blame and more compassion. Compassion is key when it comes to creating a culture of consent.

    Compassion in a culture of consent means extending unconditional love to sexual assault survivors. We can no longer live as we are as a society. The time for change is now.

    To implement this cultural shift, we can only start with ourselves, our thoughts, and our reactions toward rape survivors.

    I created the following list to help you take one major step in that direction.

    44 Things to NEVER Say to a Rape Survivor

    1. What were you wearing?

    2. Were you drunk?

    3. How did it happen? (Ask them if they are comfortable with sharing what happened. Listen mindfully and don’t oversteer their story. Respect how they share their story. Refrain from interrupting so they know they have the freedom to express themselves. This question is only necessary for law enforcement officials and healthcare professionals who are required to know the details in order to help the survivor.)

    4. Did you scream?

    5. Why didn’t you scream?

    6. You really need to get a gun.

    7. I know a self-defense class that you should go to.

    8. Your outfit was very sexy.

    9. How could that happen to you, again?

    10. Did you say “no”?

    11. Did you fight back?

    12. You’ve already had sex, so, what’s the difference?

    13. You’re a guy, you’re supposed to like it.

    14. Rape is every guy’s dream. (A girl said this to me while I was making consent-based chalk art in NYC in 2015.)

    15. How can a girl rape a boy?

    16. Rape can’t happen during marriage.

    17. There’s no use in crying about it.

    18. You need to let go of your anger.

    19. Are you sure it was rape?

    20. Weren’t you dating?

    21. Why didn’t you get a rape kit?

    22. Have you had sex since?

    23. You should have yelled “fire.”

    24. Why haven’t you reported it?

    25. I thought you liked him/her/them.

    26. It’s your fault.

    27. You shouldn’t have gone with them.

    28. You were asking for it.

    29. You attracted that.

    30. You led them on.

    31. That’s not rape.

    32. That was sex. You could have avoided it.

    33. You should have protected yourself.

    34. You shouldn’t have been out late.

    35. You shouldn’t have been drinking.

    36. You shouldn’t have gone to that party.

    37. That would never happen to me.

    38. You’re smarter than that.

    39. Stop putting yourself in situations like that.

    40. It could be worse.

    41. Get over it.

    42. It’s not that big of a deal.

    43.  I hope you learned your lesson.

    44. There are some things you could have done differently.

    Instead of blaming or shaming someone who has been traumatized, hold back those thoughts. Focus only on how you can be a friend to them in their time of need. If they came to you for help, it means that they trusted you.

    Spirituality helped me see my power and the importance of my voice. It taught me to have compassion for myself and fellow survivors. Sexual assault recovery can be catapulted when the rape survivor has a loving, supportive team of people who they can go to in times of need.

    How can you create this type of safe space for the sexual assault survivors in your life? How can you create this safe space for yourself?

  • 20 Powerful Self-Care Quotes to Help You Feel and Be Your Best

    20 Powerful Self-Care Quotes to Help You Feel and Be Your Best

    Hi friends! I decided over this long holiday weekend to give myself a break for some much-needed self-care, which I imagine we could all use right now.

    We’ve all been pushed, stretched, and challenged this year. We’ve all given our all, done our best, and perhaps wondered at times if it was good enough.

    That’s the thing about difficult times—we often make them so much harder by expecting a lot from ourselves, pushing ourselves, and beating ourselves up when we fall short.

    We expect ourselves to always be happy. Or productive. Or confident. Or present. Or there for other people.

    We expect ourselves to always be at the top of the game even if we sometimes put ourselves at the bottom of our priority list.

    But we can’t possibly be all of these things all the time, because we’re not perfect, we’re human. And to be human is to be messy, inconsistent, and full of contradictions. To have days when we knock it out of the park and days when we stare at the park from our window. In pajamas. With chocolate stains. If we even make it to the window at all.

    If you can relate to any of what I wrote above—if you hold yourself to a ridiculously high standard, push yourself to the point of exhaustion, or drain yourself trying to be everything for everyone—take a few minutes to reflect upon these twenty self-care quotes. Read them, absorb them, carry them into your day. Because you deserve a break. And you need it to feel and be your best.

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  • What If Your “Overthinking” Is Actually Good for You?

    What If Your “Overthinking” Is Actually Good for You?

    “The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts.” ~Marcus Aurelius

    Overthinking is common. And everyone is asking us to stop it. Articles like these are abundant:

    “7 Signs You Are an Overthinker”

    “13 Strategies to Stop Overthinking”

    “9 Tips to Overcome Overthinking”

    The overthinker in me is starting to question the effectiveness of all this well-meaning advice. If it were that easy to stop, there can’t be so much of it still.

    I can’t help but wonder if we are looking at overthinking too negatively. Could overthinking be a part of human nature that actually has benefits? Otherwise, wouldn’t evolution have weeded out this useless trait by now?

    Surely, the universe has not made a mistake by giving human beings a brain so prone to overthinking. Surely, the overthinkers amongst us are not mistakes?

    Yes, many a times I feel like a mistake when being told “you think too much” and “don’t overthink it.” Is there something wrong with me?

    Years of Thinking Before a Life Decision

    For as long as I’ve known, I’ve thought a lot. This served me well in school and at work, as I was recognized for my analytical abilities and rigor of thinking.

    However, when it comes to personal matters like family, relationships, or career problems, this deep thinking power of mine becomes seen as overthinking.

    Several years back, I was dealing with a failing marriage and a challenging new job posting at the same time. Amidst the stresses and unhappiness, I found my brain constantly thinking about what was happening and what I could do.

    As I thought and thought, the situation appeared rather hopeless. I wanted to leave the marriage—but what about our child, our financial commitments, our religion, our closely-knit families? I wanted to leave the job—what if I could not find a better job because of my age, specialized experience, poor job market, people factors?

    When I tried to share all these thoughts with friends, I often attracted a “you are overthinking” comment.

    Initially, I thought the problem was really me. I wished I wasn’t such an overthinker.

    But was I really overthinking? These were important factors, shouldn’t we be thinking about them thoroughly before making any decisions?

    It hurt when people seemed dismissive of the fears and concerns that arose as I thought deeply about the issues. Since they were not going to try to understand, I guess I just had to stop telling them.

    I can now confidently say, had it not been for the rigor of my thoughts back then, I would not have had a relatively smooth divorce and a change of jobs within the same period of time. They did not come about from luck—they came about from careful, thorough thinking that allowed me to take actions to mitigate possible fallouts.

    I planned and executed my divorce and job switch as I would a multimillion-dollar deal. To others, it might have been overthinking. To me, it was necessary thinking.

    The Definition of Overthinking—Inherently Negative

    Overthinking in itself is already negatively defined. According to Cambridge Dictionary, overthinking is “the action of thinking about something too much, in a way that is not useful.”

    Let me zoom in on the two descriptors in the definition.

    Firstly, “too much” is a very subjective term. It necessitates that there must be a “just right” level as a basis of comparison. Isn’t it a fine line between “thinking too much” and “thinking just right”? Where you draw that line is most likely different from where I draw it.

    And just as there is the possibility of “too much,” there is also the possibility of “too little.” Not giving sufficient thought to issues can be just as, if not more, harmful.

    Secondly, “not useful” is also a very subjective term. Let me give a simple example:

    A young girl goes to a supermarket to buy capsicum for her mother. Her mother had forgotten to specify the color of capsicum she had wanted. The young girl stands looking at the variety of capsicum in the supermarket, thinking for an extended time which color she should buy.

    If you had stood by the girl and watched her, you might think “why is she taking so long to make a decision? She must be overthinking, just pick any color!” To you, thinking about the color of capsicum to buy is definitely not useful.

    But the girl knows different. Her mother has a temper that few can tolerate. The last time she brought home normal carrots instead of baby carrots, her mother had gone into a violent fit, screaming at the top of her voice and lambasting her on her stupidity. Thinking carefully which color of capsicum to buy is definitely useful for the girl to avoid the same punishment.

    Although her mother did not specify the color, the girl carefully recalls what dish her mother might be preparing and whether her mother had used a specific color before. It takes more time than usual but she makes a calculated guess.

    What is useful to her may not be useful to you or me. Do we have sufficient information to judge?

    Incidentally, that little girl was me.

    Why is Useful Thinking So Often Mistaken as Overthinking Then?

    People generally have no time or patience to listen. And we are not particularly effective at articulating and summarizing our thoughts well.

    Without sufficient information and understanding about one another’s lives, the judgment that many of us are overthinking can easily arise.

    Think about it, how many people in your life have truly spent time to understand your problems and thought processes? One or two good friends? And perhaps therapists and counselors who are paid to do so.

    Many a times, after hearing our issues in depth, these friends and therapists understand where we are coming from and help us achieve greater clarity about our issues.

    When we think a lot about an issue, we are likely to dissect an issue to great depths—we see all angles, the positives and the negatives. The problem is that we tend to talk more about the negative aspects of an issue and give the impression that we are only thinking negatively (= not useful, therefore overthinking).

    Speaking for myself, I tend to assume that the positive parts of an issue are obvious and need not be discussed at length. It is the negative parts that warrant focus because they need to be mitigated or resolved.

    So How Do We Engage in Useful Thinking?

    Thinking is a human superpower. Considering how complex the human brain is, should we even be surprised that we are capable of thinking a lot?

    This Scientific American article estimates that the brain’s memory storage capacity is around 2.5 petabytes (or a million gigabytes), with more than a trillion connections between one billion neurons. This roughly translates to storage of three million hours of TV shows (or running the TV continuously for more than 300 years).

    If that is our brain’s storage capacity, what about its processing capacity. The human brain is known to be much more efficient at processing than computers. What might take a computer a few million steps to calculate can be achieved by a few hundred neuron transmissions in the human brain (see “The Human Brain vs Supercomputers… Which One Wins”). In addition, humans are capable of advanced planning and decision-making, humor and morality (BBC Science Focus).

    This superior cognitive capacity sets us apart from other animals. The same brainpower, it seems, also makes us prone to overthinking.

    What we can do to harness this tremendous brainpower is to ensure that most, if not all, of our thinking is useful thinking? Here are four quick principles to keep in mind:

    1. When thinking, consciously push for greater clarity of the issues, with the goal to reach a decision or a plan of action within a certain timeframe. (Kinda like what we do in our jobs.)

    Note: Deciding not to do anything at the moment about a problem (e.g. failing marriage) because there are too many constraints (e.g. children’s welfare) is also a decision. Thinking thoroughly about it allows us to better understand the situation and either choose to accept it or do something to change things.

    2. Recognize when the thinking gets stuck and leads to confusion or anxiety. This is when talking it out with someone can be useful.

    3. It is okay to be selective about who to talk to. Some people will not have the patience or sincerity to hear out our issues and will likely judge us as overthinking.

    4. When talking out issues with someone, it is good to touch on both the positives and negatives. This helps people understand that we have thought through the issue from many angles before zooming in on specific parts that need addressing.

    Differentiating Between Useful Thinking and Overthinking

    Perhaps generally, we can say that the thinking is not useful if it results in extended periods of confusion, anxiety, or inability to make a decision.

    Conversely, if thinking a lot about something eventually leads to greater clarity, careful plans, and robust decisions, then the thinking can be considered very useful.

    The only people who can truly differentiate between useful thinking and overthinking are ourselves and the people who understand us well.

    As the saying goes, nobody has walked in our shoes. Our childhood, upbringing, and decades of life experiences set the context of our thinking patterns.

    Let’s not be so quick to judge that we ourselves or other people are overthinking. Have we truly listened and tried to understand?

    I’m not dismissing the fact that there may be medical reasons if we are frequently engaged in thinking that is not useful. There has been a lot written about overthinking as a symptom of or giving rise to anxiety and depression.

    But we should also refrain from passing judgment or assigning a medical condition so quickly to an action that many of us engage in, at least sometimes if not often.

    I am sure philosophers and sages across centuries (like Seneca, Confucius, and Gandhi) may have been seen as overthinkers in their time. But how useful their thoughts have been to benefit and inspire generations.

    While analysis paralysis is a real problem, when it comes to significant life decisions, I would rather err on the side of caution by thinking too much than thinking too little.

  • Tips from a Former Addict: How I Made a Change for Good

    Tips from a Former Addict: How I Made a Change for Good

    I was a drug addict. Yes, I did it all. No, my childhood was not full of abuse, I was actually a pretty lucky kid, and I had it no worse and no better than anyone else, except for maybe some “daddy issues.”

    I am not much for blame. I know who was smoking, sniffing, and popping, and it wasn’t the bad angel on my shoulder who made me do it, it was just me.

    I can give you the exact reason why I started doing drugs. I was afraid to just be myself, simple enough. Everyone else’s thoughts of who I needed to be or what made me cool was more important than embracing my authentic self.

    Drugs were a huge part of my life, and they influenced the places, people, and pain I endured, but again, this was still all a choice.

    I had wonderful opportunities at my fingertips but let them go for a long-term abusive relationship.

    I lost jobs, burned bridges, and hurt my family.

    I stole, lied, and fought.

    Had random sex, lost respect, and wanted to die.

    On a good note, I still maintained a relationship with my higher power. Even though I checked out on him, he was always there to check in on me, and I always had my mother’s, sister’s, and best friend’s support. This is major because we are not meant to do this alone.

    Change Is a Brewin’

    Before any change happens, most people need something extreme to take place, like a near-death experience or hitting rock bottom.

    Unfortunately, I had to hit rock bottom—a couple of times.

    The first time, I had started doing heroin for a good three weeks, and as my whole world was spiraling out of control—like breaking my boyfriend’s hand for what looked like a piece of black tar heroin… only to find out it was just a piece of stepped-on gum on the floor—a glimpse of light still managed to show through, and I made a decision right there.

    I quit… for good. Yes, it happened that fast. Turns out I’m not about that life.

    The second time, I was homeless with my sister. My mom was tired; who could blame her? She had two daughters she loved with all her heart who continued to make the worst choices, despite what she taught us. So, she kicked us out.

    Subconsciously, I was desperately seeking a better path. My actions would say otherwise, but deep down we all know what we really need. I was finally ready to make the choice to make a change.

    Change for Good

    “No matter how hard the past, you can always begin again.” ~Buddha

    If you want change, if you truly want it, it will be so. Don’t say I’m “trying.” That implies you are still holding resistance, and as Buddha also says:

    “Change is not painful, only resistance to change is painful.”

    A drug addict, or anyone who has ever been addicted to anything in their lives, knows they will stop when they want to. This is at no one else’s will but their own. That doesn’t mean it will be easy or they won’t need help. Just that it starts with a choice—their own.

    If you have ever seen the show Intervention, you know it is very rare that someone who was brought to rehab by the petition of their family ever stays away from drugs for good.

    This is a dire truth, but I can tell you from experience that when you don’t make this commitment for yourself, the decision loses its empowering effect, and you won’t know the feeling of having sovereignty over your own life.

    Whether you are a drug addict or just know you need something to change, accept that you need change and start searching (like you’re doing now, and luckily it brought you to me).

    I am not perfect now… or am I, since I am finally being me? There are days I still get stuck in a mood, but the difference now is I have learned to acknowledge it.

    Acknowledge It… Whatever You’re Feeling

    After I stopped doing drugs completely, and I mean completely, I realized my anxiety was at an all-time high every day. What I needed to do first was acknowledge it, but I kept trying to hide it. Like I was trying to convince myself that I didn’t feel the way I was feeling. I guess because I hadn’t realized yet that I really didn’t know who I was without drugs.

    Say it out loud, even if it’s weird, “I feel so anxious right now” or “I am feeling sad”—it dissipates faster, and maybe if you say it to someone you trust, they can help dig up what the issue is. My boyfriend and I do this with each other and found that sometimes a hug does the trick.

    Once you start admitting that you’re not feeling okay—right when your body is signaling you—you can search deeper into why and find out by paying attention to patterns.

    First, I started acknowledging that I was feeling crappy. I began to also pay attention to the thought patterns that led up to the feeling, or what happened just before the feeling commenced.

    This gives you glimpse into the type of thoughts you are ruminating on. Is there something you have not let go? Is there an irrational thought that keeps coming up? Is your self-talk demeaning?

    When you suppress it, it comes out in lots of different ways, trust me.

    I am the queen of looking crazy because I blew up randomly at a co-worker, overreacted completely to a joke (and made it awkwaaaard), yelled at my boyfriend when he wasn’t giving me the right responses to a story I was telling, and my favorite phrase as the broken girl was, “No one gets me…” Acting like a victim is not the same as admitting what you are really feeling, though it may be easier.

    Find the Good, and Self-Love Will Follow

    During your search, you will find an abundance of “ways to make yourself happy” and outlandish claims of instant happy pills or whatever.

    The important thing right now is to adopt good habits—go toward good and good things will follow. The key is learning to love yourself. The hard part is finding ways to apply this.

    There are two main ways I’ve learned to be good to myself: yoga and meditation.

    This dynamic duo is popular for a reason, guys.

    I recommend Yoga with Adriene, all day. She is amazing. She always says, “Find what feels good.” To a drug addict like me, I/m like, that’s what got me in this mess, Adriene, but if you insist.

    All joking aside, if you have ever done something like drugs, impulse buying, or even eating a donut, it makes you feel good for a short period of time, right?

    And then you seem to need more, feel guilty, or crash (maybe all three). Finding what feels good, in Adriene’s terms, is listening to your body, not your impulses.

    For example, you know when you stretch after you’ve been sitting down for a while, you just seem to know exactly how and which way to move because you know what feels good? Start there. If you practice both yoga and meditation, take all your expectations and trash them. Just listen to whomever is teaching you and follow their guidance.

    Turn Those Good Habits into a Ritual

    After I found yoga and meditation, I started to enjoy taking care of myself. This was more than an addiction; it soon became second nature.

    I recommend you start with:

    • Yoga in the morning. Yoga with Adriene has a ton of beginner videos I started with
    • Mediate whenever you can. I recommend Dr. Tara Brach, who teaches mediation and emotional healing so you can learn easily to do it on your own
    • Make time to do something you really love. Mine was drawing and painting.

    You would think eating healthy would be on the list, right?

    Stopping drugs cold turkey made me lose my appetite, so I was proud if I ate anything at all. But, before I knew it, the chemicals in my brain changed and I started to crave healthy food, and in abundance.

    I didn’t just jump into some random diet because I was “doing everything good for me” now. I knew I needed to take things step by step when making such a big life change and let healthy habits naturally build on top of each other. When we try to do too much at once, and try to form new habits without intrinsic motivation, we often fail.

    Inc.com explains about 60% of us make New Year’s resolutions but only about 8% of us actually achieve them. We are humans, not technology; we can’t click on a software update and “you are now equipped to achieve your goals”—in my best Google Home voice.

    Give yourself some time and be kind to yourself. Once you start making healthy choices, you will naturally want to make more. Honestly, I was proud of myself for already achieving what I had, and my soul couldn’t get enough. I was treating myself with respect, then came love, and then came a deep connection to everything and everyone around me.

    Though you might start feeling happier with yourself and your life, this doesn’t mean you’ll be happy all the time.

    If you need to cry, let the tears flow. There were some days I would ball my eyes out non-stop but feel so cleansed afterward. Actually, there are even some days now when I feel I need to cry and I just do it. And you know what? My anxiety disappears when I didn’t even realize it was building up in the first place.

    Learn Your Triggers and Avoid Them for Now

    During my transformation I had to start identifying my triggers and avoiding situations I knew would start the cycle all over. I realized this meant the difference between change for now and change for good.

    Whatever you are struggling with, identify what triggers you the most into doing it. This will involve you really being honest with yourself, and not judging yourself for what you find out. Right now is not the time to be your own worst critic.

    I hope you know that just reading through this shows how strong you are and how capable you are of living life as yourself and truly at peace.

    I am the first to call myself out, beat myself up, and feel guilty as hell. Don’t do this to yourself.

    This is a vulnerable time, and you need all the love you can get—giving yourself love is the only way to conquer what is causing you pain.

    So instead of going out when everyone else was, I stayed home because I knew that social scenes would make me want to grab a drink; I would start smoking a cigarette (which I also quit), and then who knows what I would want to get my hands on once I was on a roll.

    I waited months before I trusted myself to get out and hang. The power you attain when you realize you can say no—without FOMO—is greater than any feeling you are chasing by giving in.

    If I can do it, so can you.

    You have a whole support system available to you, and yeah, maybe it’s full of strangers in a meeting. But once you get in touch with yourself, you will realize we’re not really strangers at all; we all come from the same energy, and we all mean way more to each other than you’ve ever thought.

    If you ever need support from somewhere, you can always get it from me. The real me. Without drugs. Finally unafraid to be myself, because I finally love myself.

    **This post represents one person’s personal experience and may or may not reflect your unique situation. Especially f you’ve experienced trauma or abuse, you may need professional help to address the root cause of your addiction. There is no shame in getting help, or in struggling as you work toward recovery. Be good to yourself, be patient with yourself, and keep reaching out if you’ve yet to find the right people to help you!

  • The Key to Helping a Person Who Is Depressed

    The Key to Helping a Person Who Is Depressed

    “Don’t look for someone who will solve all your problems. Look for someone who won’t let you face them alone.” ~Unknown

    Depression for me is like constantly walking up a hill.

    Most of the time the hill has only a one percent gradient. You can hardly even tell it’s a hill. I walk, run, jump, skip along, doing cartwheels and stopping to smell pretty flowers and listen to bird-calls; it’s sunny and warm, with clear blue skies.

    Even though I have to put in a little bit of effort to walk up, times are good.

    And then something happens in my life, like I lose my job, I have to move, or I’m having ongoing arguments with my partner, and my hill starts to get a bit steeper.

    It’s still reasonably easy climbing, but it takes a little more effort. It gets a bit darker around me, like the sun has just gone behind the clouds. But it’s fine. I can do it.

    And then some other things happen, like I’m feeling stressed out because it’s exam time, and I call my friend to hang out but she doesn’t have the time, and I injure myself and can’t do my usual activities anymore—and my hill gets even steeper.

    And then all of a sudden, almost without me realizing it, I’m on hands and knees, crawling up this really steep hill.

    It gets kind of dark around me, and pretty windy, like a storm is brewing. The temperature drops, I get goosebumps. But I don’t look at the darkness around and behind me. I am still aiming for the spot of brightness at the top. I know I’ll get there soon.

    I struggle to make eye contact with people, go out to social events, or call friends back, because I’m so focused on just making it up the hill.

    And then some other things happen, like I get a virus, or someone I love dies. And then my hill is so steep it’s like climbing a ladder, but slippery and made of grass and dirt and rocks.

    I freak out a little bit now, because it’s really hard! I’m scared of falling, but I still keep trying, to keep going up. Even though I’m barely moving.

    I can’t talk to you. It’s like I retreat right into the depths of my mind, and I can’t connect with anyone. I really need all my concentration not to fall.

    And then it starts raining. Really heavily. It’s become pitch black, like the middle of a moonless night. It’s still crazy windy. I try to grab a tuft of grass, to hold on to something, anything. But it’s slippery and wet, it slides through my grasping fingers, and I fall.

    And I fall, down the hill; sometimes not so far, sometimes a long way before I can grab a hold of something and stop myself. And I’m scared. Because that far down the hill, it’s dark, it’s rainy and stormy, and I feel so alone.

    And at that point, people around me—my friends, my family—get frustrated with me. Because I’m crying all the time, at this point. (Wouldn’t you, stuck in a storm in the dark?).

    People think they need to, or they think I want or expect them to, fly down on a helicopter, throw me a rope, and haul me straight back up to daylight. Fix me. Save me.

    I can understand people wanting to do that, because you know, I would like it to be that easy. It would be nice. But no one can do that for me. It’s my hill. I have to climb it—myself.

    And what is so comforting, at this point, is someone to just climb next to me. That’s all I want.

    Just someone to sit it out with me, dry my tears and hold my hand, and give me words of encouragement and feed me occasionally, while I start to make the trek back up from so far down.

    Because it’s a whole hill I have to walk up! It’s really steep that far down! It’s going to take me a little while. It’s hard for me to even remember what it feels like to be near the top.

    But I’m trying, I’m forever climbing, and eventually I do get back up to the daylight, where it levels out and it’s not so steep and hard at all.

    Though it can be tough climbing next to me, because when I’m down I’m inclined to do things like cry or ignore you or get angry with you over nothing, its worth it! Because when I get back up and I’m skipping along in the sunshine, I’m a really great person.

    If you have someone in your life that’s struggling up their own hill in the dark, could you not worry about fixing them and instead just offer to be there with them? Sometimes that’s the most meaningful thing.

    Depressed woman image via Shutterstock

  • How to Safely Enjoy the Pandemic Holidays

    How to Safely Enjoy the Pandemic Holidays

    “Surreal” is the word that keeps coming to mind. Life has felt like an alternative universe for quite a while now, and it feels even stranger during the holiday season.

    After a year of much sacrifice, reality is requiring us to forgo traditions we hold dear and distance ourselves from people we may feel we’ve already gone too long without seeing.

    And many are navigating the season with a sense of grief—for lost loved ones, lost purpose, maybe even lost hope.

    Maybe that’s not you. Maybe you are full of gratitude for everything you have, and now appreciate even more because of the pandemic.

    That’s also me, on some days.

    Some days I look around and feel undeniably blessed to have my health, my family, and all my needs met.

    On other days, I feel the weight of these long, isolating months and mourn for lost time with people I love and the family celebrations I will miss with my parents and siblings, who all live together, across the country from me.

    You may be in a similar position, oscillating like a pendulum between gratitude and grief. And you may be debating how to approach this season, logistically, mentally, and emotionally.

    Whatever your unique situation, I hope this checklist helps you approach the weeks ahead safely, with peace, hope, and joy, wherever you can create it.

    1. Caution

    This is the big one, and the hardest one to swallow and follow. It’s been a trying year, one marked by loss and heartache for many. We’re tired of it all and want this pandemic behind us—but it isn’t yet. So as much as we’d like to throw caution to the wind and end the year celebrating with all the people we love, we all need to do our part to protect ourselves and the people around us.

    Not the most exciting way to start this list, I know, but just figured I’d get this one out of the way!

    If you haven’t already seen the CDC guidelines for holiday gatherings, you can find them here.

    2. Communication

    As I imagine you’ve experienced as well, different people hold vastly different perspectives on what constitutes “caution,” and some are willing to take greater risks.

    For example, my extended family got together with at least four different households on Thanksgiving—including some who are regularly exposed to masses of people, some without masks—and they will do so again on Christmas. That’s a risk I wouldn’t be willing to take, but I’m also 3,000 miles away, so it’s a choice I don’t have to make.

    If you’re considering gathering with family, it’s essential to clarify where everyone stands, what precautions everyone’s taking in their daily life, and what precautions will be followed on the day itself. Don’t assume you know how anyone thinks unless they’ve clearly communicated it, because it’s quite possible you’d be wrong.

    3. Empathy

    This can be a tough one. When people make choices that may seem reckless to you, or they push beliefs you just can’t agree with, you may feel hurt, frustrated, or even outraged. It’s hard to separate a person from their choices, especially when it involves something as emotionally loaded as pandemic safety, and it’s hard not to take it personally if their choices seem selfish to you.

    I have been here recently, and I took it very personally. I got upset, I criticized, I judged. What I didn’t do is change anyone’s opinion, or in any way better the situation. I realized then I needed to empathize with the people who see things differently than me. Even if I wouldn’t make the same choices, I needed to understand the feelings behind them and focus on that.

    This doesn’t mean we need to condone decisions we don’t agree with, or in any way put ourselves at risk. It just means we accept what we can’t control and choose love over righteousness, however warranted it may feel.

    4. Self-compassion

    Odds are things haven’t been easy for you. Even if you are healthy, have a job and a roof over your head, and haven’t lost any loved ones, this year probably took a toll on your mental health. I know it’s taken a toll on mine.

    You may feel lonely, discouraged, overwhelmed, impatient, or even downright depressed right now. You may also feel frustrated to have to change your usual holiday plans, at a time when you could really use a little extra love, joy, and connection.

    It’s okay to feel frustrated. It’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling, even if you know you’re fortunate. It’s hard to be far from people we love, especially around the holidays, and to miss the traditions we value most. Be extra gentle with yourself and know it’s okay if your gratitude is mixed with a wide range of complex emotions.

    5. Acceptance

    I know how tempting it is to live each day in resistance, especially when you’ve lost a lot, or when things seem unfair. I know how easy it is to get caught up in how things should be or were supposed to be or would be, if only…

    What I don’t know is what you specifically have been through or what you’re feeling right now. So please know I am in no way suggesting acceptance is easy, or that I’d be able to do it easily if I were in your shoes.

    I can only speak to the general idea of acceptance, and how it frees us mentally when we stop fighting reality. I know that when we accept what we can’t control, we’re free to focus on the things we can control and make the best of them.

    I also know I feel better about the person I’m being, and ultimately better about life, when I come from a place of acceptance—even if it takes time to get there. I’m lighter, more present, more accessible to the people around me, and more likely to see opportunities where before I only saw unfairness.

    6. Perspective

    As with everything in life, this is all temporary. Things won’t always be this way. These challenges, these feelings, they won’t last forever. We will eventually get through this and will be able to live more freely. Though life won’t be exactly the same for many, we will find a new normal and new reasons to smile as we adapt to life as it evolves.

    It may be hard to see that now. It may seem like this earthquake of an experience will send shockwaves for years, and we’ll never find our footing again. But we are amazingly resilient as people. Odds are you’ve been through some deeply trying experiences in your life, and you’ve come out stronger, wiser, and maybe even enriched for having gone through what you’ve been through.

    Trust that, odds are, you will not only get through this, you will have many more reasons to smile, and many more holidays to celebrate with the people you love. This one year will one day be a crazy story in all of our rearview mirrors, so long as we keep driving, cautiously, on this somewhat treacherous road before us.

    7. Ingenuity

    One of the gifts of any challenge is that we need to be a little more creative, which can in itself be a source of pride and joy. If you’ve ever made a full meal on a day when you really needed to go grocery shopping, you know what I mean! My mother has a special phrase for this: “Not bad for a throw together!”

    Think of this as your throw-together—your chance to do more with less, to find beauty in simplicity, to make the best of what you have and maybe even start new traditions.

    I’m guessing you may have mastered the art of online connection this year. So now take it to the next level. How can celebrate in creative ways with people from afar? And how can you honor the people right in front of you, even if they’re only some of the ones you love?

    As for me, I’m planning to focus on the excitement of my son’s second Christmas, since I think he’ll appreciate it more this year. I’m going to ask my brother to Zoom-watch A Very Brady Christmas with me, since we’re dorks and watch it every year. And I’ll Portal with my family on Christmas morning when they open the gifts I sent them, so it will be kind of like I’m there.

    8. Mindfulness

    So here we are. At the end of a strange, painful year, staring down months more of uncertainty and potential stress and struggle. No one would fault us for looking back—it’s like there’s a massive multi-car pileup behind us; it’s hard not to gawk. And no one would be surprised if we anxiously looked ahead, worrying about the potential for more accidents down the road.

    But right now, many of us are sitting safely in our cars, with heat and music and at least one person we love to play car games with and pass the time.

    I realize this isn’t true for everyone. You might not have your needs met right, and you may feel unsafe in your home. If that’s you, please know there are resources out there to support you. You can find some here and here.

    If that’s not you—if, like me, you’re relatively fortunate and have a lot to appreciate and enjoy if you choose to be present—make the choice. As best as you can.

    If it’s hard, be good to yourself. Then try again. Try to see the beauty right in front of you, even if you have to look a little harder. Try to hear the magic in the music that’s playing even if you wish you could belt out the lyrics with someone who’s far away. Take some deep breaths, take an inventory of everything that’s going well, and then just let yourself be here, in this moment, enjoying whatever’s here to be enjoyed.

    —

    I think one of the gifts of especially trying times is that we’re reminded of things that are always true, but we often forget: That life is short, nothing is guaranteed, every moment with the people we love is precious, and each day is ultimately what we make of it.

    I know it’s easier for some than others to make the best of the life they’re living, because life is different for all of us. But I also know when I remember these things, I feel a lot more present, peaceful, and alive. And that’s the best way to appreciate the life we’re currently living—to choose to fully live it.

    —

    To help us all be a little more mindful, I’m currently running a holiday sale for my newly launched Mindfulness Kit, which includes four aromatherapy-based products for peace and relaxation and three FREE bonus guides for daily calm.  

    For a limited time, it’s available for $29 (usually $45). I know many of you have already gotten a kit for yourself and for holiday gifts for friends and family. If you haven’t yet, this may be the perfect time to give it a try or gift it to someone who could use some relaxation and relief. I hope it brings a little serenity to you or the people you love!

  • Hate Your Life? 4 Ways to Boost Your Happiness

    Hate Your Life? 4 Ways to Boost Your Happiness

    “Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.” ~Desmond Tutu

    I hate my life. Does this statement ring true to you at all? Do you feel like you’re at rock bottom? The good news is, it might not be as bad as you fear.

    I spent a lot of time feeling afraid of everything.

    I had an emotional collapse, and it made life suddenly seem terrifying. What had happened? Had the town I was living in changed? Had my country suddenly become different?

    No, I had changed the filter through which I saw the world, from one of hope and joy to one of fear and hopelessness.

    My biggest problem wasn’t that I was feeling terrible, but that I had unconsciously bought into the idea that the problem was ‘out there,’ or that perhaps I had lost my mind. It frightened me to experience that level of darkness, where everything looked gloomy and hopeless.

    When We Believe Our Self-Talk and Perceptions of Our Terrible Life

    What had really happened was that, after a series of bad experiences, I got very sad and then a whole lot sadder. I didn’t realize that, after the initial painful problems, I was continuing to create a lot of my upset with my thinking processes.

    I was seeing—through my perception filter—only the darker parts of life. Everything felt greyer somehow. It got gradually worse and I became more and more entrenched in the grip of it.

    Had the bad situations caused it? Perhaps, but the real problem was that they had caused me to change my filter to grey, and I was stuck there. The more I saw the world this way, the more I expected it. The more I unconsciously expected it, the more evidence my senses found for me to confirm my fears.

    Therapists and books, in trying to help me get past my sense of pain and suffering, took me back to the time when the collapse happened, and even back to my childhood.

    I established what the original problem was and ‘worked through it.’ I agree with the necessity to work through old wounds and baggage to a degree, and it is sometimes crucial for mental wellness. However, for me, it was re-traumatizing and mostly just dug up old things I’d already accepted. I found myself back at square one over and over again. Far from recovering, I was in a circle of regression.

    What kept me going back over it was simple: The bad situations I had experienced were long over, and I had done the forgiveness and grieving, but I was still feeling bad. The only reason I could find was that I needed to do more healing work on the past. However, now that I look back, it seems what was really keeping it alive was my own belief that the problem was still there.

    The Wake-Up Call

    Here was a major truth bomb for me: While I’d certainly had experiences that were traumatizing when they happened, I was the one who was now perpetuating my pain. I had a habit of hating my life.

    Did that mean it was my fault? No, I was just doing what we all do. I had practiced feeling terrible every day, and after a month or so it had become habit. I was a professional fearful person.

    Yes, maybe the original upset or difficulties in my life were bad, but they were no longer happening. I kept them alive two ways: 1. Through learned habitual behavior and 2. By constantly picking over them to find out why I still felt bad.

    Don’t Put a Happy Face Sticker Over It

    There’s a lot of talk now of toxic positivity and concerns about putting a happy face sticker over problems. I do get that people sometimes do this. It is irresponsible to run away from a real-life problem, but I do not believe that most people who talk about toxic positivity are really warning about that.

    I believe that many people who talk about toxic positivity are actually stuck with their filter on grey, and they are arguing for their own limitations.

    There is an increased stigma around the idea of “love and light.” It’s become an almost contemptible topic. I agree that it’s ridiculous to think that “love and light” is the answer to everything. But if you feel stuck in old stuff and find that you feel less than happy about your life, I challenge you to give it a try before disregarding it as naïve or evasive.

    Please remember that even some apparently very wise spiritual and transformational helpers or gurus are still themselves very much stuck in their egos. They still want to be the hero battling their pain and discussing their survival. Just because someone is well-known and well-loved does not make them any less human. Just because they claim to know better, does not mean that they do.

    Positivity gets a bad rap in certain places on the internet, but please remember this idea that we don’t have to dwell in the difficulties is age old and has been supported by mystics and gurus since the beginning of time.

    As the old Buddhist saying states, “Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.” I get that there is a time and a place for facing pain—dealing with circumstances and processing grief is incredibly important. But we do not need to suffer beyond the original pain.

    How to feel the Pain Without Getting Caught in Suffering

    Yes, you’ll encounter difficulties, and sometimes they will be terrible, awful, and shocking. However, once you’ve done the initial processing and the grieving process is well under way, there is a lot to be said for introducing a happy face sticker! Not to go over the wound, but to go alongside it. We don’t need to dwell in toxic positivity or negativity.

    What do I mean by initial processing of difficulties in life? It will be different for everyone and it depends on the circumstances, but what I really mean is this: Allow yourself a reasonable time to feel the feelings and then make efforts to move forward with your life!

    No one would expect you to be happy the day after you witnessed some horrible crime or after the death of a loved one. This is ridiculous and what is really meant by toxic positivity—the notion that you should be happy all of the time regardless of your circumstances.

    But there comes a time when we have to choose to shift our perspective and find reasons to smile, because it only happens if we make it happen.

    Put a Happy Face Sticker Next to it and Start Hanging Out There

    If you really hate your life, you may have gotten to the stage where you have started to believe it will never get better. Take it from someone who knows, this isn’t true. You are awake and breathing now, so there is still hope to turn everything around. I did. I am no more special than you, I have no special skills. If I can, so can you.

    If you are clinically ill, get help, that is a given. If you are unsure, reach out to a medical professional and get assistance and their opinion. This is a must!

    Once you are sure that you do not need medical intervention, be a risk taker and try the much maligned “positive thinking and action” methodology below.

    What I suggest below is what I did, and it worked for me. It has worked for clients. Does this mean it will work for you? No, not necessarily, and perhaps you will do it slightly differently. But hopefully you will be able to understand the essence of what I’m suggesting and give it a try.

    You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

    4 Ways to be Happier (The Not-So-Magic Formula)

    Firstly, suspend the idea of not wanting to buy into “toxic positivity” and try this twenty-minute morning routine for a couple of weeks. I have never had anyone report that it made them feel worse.

    Exercise as soon as you get out of bed.

    Okay, go to the bathroom first! After that, take two to ten minutes to do some stretches, weights, or aerobic exercises. Put on some music and then get started.

    I do fifteen minutes every morning with two little weights and a resistance band. I do five minutes on my legs with the resistance band, five minutes on my core on the floor or with the weights, and five minutes with the weights on my arms. My body looks better, and it gets my good-feeling chemicals pumping.

    Make a few sheets of goals, quotes, or a vision board.

    Put them up in the area where you will be doing your exercises, and read or look at them as you move to get into an empowered mindset. You can include pictures, quotes, or ideas.

    I have thirteen sheets and a load of sticky notes. I don’t read everything perfectly every day, but I read most of it every day as I work on my arms. I have mainly quotes from my favorite transformational authors, as I’m not a massive fan of setting specific goals, but whatever you choose is up to you.

    Gratitude journal.

    Take one minute and list three things you are grateful for. This is a minimum requirement. If you have time, consider writing intentions for the day or listing the ways in which you feel the universe has helped you lately.

    Even if you feel that there are twenty things that you could complain about, if there is one good thing, write about that.

    A great addition to these exercises is to look back over previous days and notice how much you have to be grateful for or how many of your intentions you have met. If you think you haven’t met any of your intentions, remember that isn’t true! If you are writing your gratitude journal on more than one day, you are showing up for you and keeping it up somewhat. A huge number of people will not even get so far.

    Be compassionate with yourself and grateful that you have shown some dedication to yourself, however small that effort may seem at first.

    Listen to something motivational and upbeat every morning.

    I do this while I am getting dressed or doing my to-do list. I watch something that talks about empowerment, what we can achieve, what is right with me and the world rather than what is wrong.

    Is it to stick my head in the sand or deny that there’s anything wrong in the world? No, it’s so that I am pumped and empowered to actually take on the task of living life.

    There is so much free content out there on social media that you can access. Do a social media search and start finding material that uplifts you and gets you thinking positively and with purpose every day.

    No one gets excited about facing pain or the destruction stretched out in front of them. So, even when there are difficult things to face, it’s crucial that we can somewhat reframe it so that we can see it as a positive challenge rather than solely a painful experience.

    When we do this, it is not to be irresponsible or to avoid the reality, but rather to give ourselves the best chance of being able to embrace what we need to do with enthusiasm and a good energy. This way we are more use to ourselves, the people around us, and the world

    Takeaway: Summary of the Plan to Shift Out of the Pain

    You don’t like your life… Okay, no need to panic.

    Take a moment to check if you might need medical assistance. If you’re not sure, reach out to a health professional. Once you’ve done this and are sure you don’t have a clinical reason for feeling so bad about life, ask yourself if you are expecting yourself to feel better before you’ve had a reasonable time to grieve or recover from a recent event.

    If something bad has happened, you will need time to feel it and process it. The world does seem to encourage us to always feel great, and this isn’t realistic. Our minds naturally want a simple solution and to get away from processing a painful experience, but it only prolongs it in the long run. Make sure you are not rushing a sensible grieving process.

    Equally, if you hate your life today, check in with yourself and ask yourself if you are perhaps just having a bad couple of days. No one feels happy all of the time, and it is unhealthy to expect yourself to do so.

    Once you’ve checked for a medical reason and that you don’t have a temporary and reasonable explanation for why you feel so bad, consider trying the ideas above and seeing what a positive start to your day might do for you.

    Do it for a month and see what changes.

    Perhaps starting your day with movement, motivation, and gratitude will not work, but I’d be surprised if it didn’t! Will it solve all of your problems? No, of course not. But hopefully, it will give you a boost of positivity and a sense of hope and show you that you can make changes that can help you to feel better about your life.

    Once you see that small changes can make a big difference, you will get excited about all the other things you can change and improve in your life. It takes you out of reverse gear and into first. It may seem small, but it’s a start, and a very positive one at that!

  • When Life Feels Too Hard: How to Mindfully Get Through the Day

    When Life Feels Too Hard: How to Mindfully Get Through the Day

    NOTE: This post contains a giveaway – details at the bottom of the post!

    “If today gets difficult, remember the smell of coffee, the way sunlight bounces off a window, the sound of your favorite person’s laugh, the feeling when a song you love comes on, the color of the sky at dusk, and that we are here to take care of each other.” ~Nanea Hoffman

    I am currently exhausted. Absolutely beat. I’ve taken on more work than I can comfortably accomplish in my available time, I’ve been feeling under the weather for a while, and my eighteen-month-old son is in yet another sleep regression.

    Whether I’m caring for him or working, I am almost always doing something, seven days a week. And like many of us, I feel I have very few outlets for fun and relaxation, even if I do find the time, given the limitations of the pandemic.

    I know I have little to complain about. I am relatively healthy, and so are the people I love. I have all my basic needs met. And I have a lot to appreciate. But still, my days feel overwhelming and hard.

    Maybe you can relate—and maybe for you it’s even worse.

    Maybe you’re struggling with mental health issues from months of isolation. Or you’re trying to figure out how to pay your bills because you’ve lost your job or some of your hours. Or you’re dealing with a sick loved one, and the responsibility feels like far too much to bear.

    If you’re in that overwhelmed place right now—if you’re frustrated and burnt out or at the end of your rope—I get it. I really do. And I don’t have any simple answers for those very real, and perhaps seemingly insurmountable problems.

    I can say, though, that things aren’t always what they seem. And no matter what’s coming down the road, there are a few things we can all do to help ourselves get through this day. Our sanity intact. So we’re less harried, more grounded, and better able to handle whatever the future may bring.

    Here are a few mindful ways I approach the day when everything feels like too much:

    1. Only do what you can accomplish by single tasking.

    I find it incredibly hard to be present when I have to do multiple things at once because I feel like I’m failing at all of them, and inevitably get caught in my head, judging myself and my efforts.

    I also don’t enjoy anything when I’m overlapping tasks—even if some of them could otherwise be enjoyable, like spending time with my son or writing. It’s like having twenty tabs open in my mind, with music and video clips and Netflix shows playing simultaneously. All good things, but not all at once!

    Even in normal times, parents in particular have to multitask—there’s just so much to do between childcare, housework, and actual work. But still, I’ve realized I can ask for help with a lot and simply let some things go. I can wash the dishes later. Or make a non-cook lunch. Or not do some of the little things I’d like to do but don’t actually have to do for this site.

    This isn’t easy for perfectionists. We want to think we can do it all—and do it all well. And if we can’t, we’re hard on ourselves. But I’ve begun to tell myself, at the end of the day, if I can’t reasonably accomplish everything on my to-do list, the problem isn’t me, it’s my workload.

    So do one thing at a time, and if you feel you simply can’t, ask yourself if that’s really true, or if you’re just attached to your busyness—because you feel productive, or it gives you a sense of control, or it allows you to avoid emotions you maybe don’t want to face.

    2. Allow yourself to enjoy the little things.

    It sounds cliché, and I know it is, but this really is a lifesaver. When your days feel overwhelming, those little moments can go a long way toward creating a feeling of balance, even if life isn’t so balanced right now.

    Take the five minutes to savor your tea or coffee instead of scrolling and swiping your way through it. Dance to your favorite song and belt out the lyrics, really feeling them in your heart. Take a few minutes to look at the moon and stars at night and get lost for a minute in the evening’s beauty and the vastness of the universe.

    The other night, after a particularly taxing experience with my son, I noticed that the moon looked like someone had painted it. It was truly stunning—full and far more orange than usual—and I can’t remember having seen it quite so beautiful ever before.

    So I stared. I didn’t try to stop thinking, I just did because it was so spectacular. And after a few minutes I felt calmer. I had meditated without even trying simply by appreciating something I may otherwise have missed—despite it being massive and right up in the sky for me to see.

    Take a little time to be amazed by something you won’t enjoy unless you consciously choose to focus on it. See the things you can’t see when you’re rushing. Hear the things you can’t hear when you’re stressing. Get so caught up in your senses that everything else seems to stop for a moment—because things don’t actually stop. So we have to be the ones to do it.

    3. If you start worrying about the future or regretting the past, make an inventory of your current strengths.

    Hard days are infinitely more difficult when we relive hard days past or worry about potential hard days coming. But our minds are like magnets to negative things when we start indulging defeatist thoughts. It’s like we put on a grey filter and then look back and forth through time with a dark, depressing spotlight.

    So instead of rehashing the past or worrying about the future, focus on all the strengths you have right now that will prevent you from making the same mistakes and help you handle whatever is coming.

    Think about all you’ve overcome and how that’s shaped you. Maybe you’re resourceful, or adaptable, or open-minded. Maybe you’re determined, or disciplined, or empathetic in a way that helps you connect with people and create strong support systems.

    Instead of worrying about what the world can do to you, find strength in who you’ve become because of what you’ve been through—and trust, in this moment, that you can rely on those strengths to serve you well, no matter what the future holds.

    And then, even better: Find a way to use one of those strengths right now.

    The other day I started worrying about my plans for early next year because a lot is up in the air right now and—as always—there’s a lot I can’t control.

    Then I remembered that, because I have put myself in many new situations throughout my life, I am always adaptable and resourceful. I find a way to make things work and make the best of things, even if I don’t always trust I will be able to do it in the future.

    So right in that moment, when I was feeling overwhelmed and spread too thin, I chose to make the best of my situation by putting on music I enjoy and taking a break from work to watch my son dance. The day wasn’t perfect, but that moment was, because I made it so.

    4. Practice tiny acts of self-care.

    There was a time when I had abundant opportunities for self-care. Pre-baby, I could easily do an hour-and-a-half yoga class and also fit in a walk on the beach and maybe even a bath.

    These days I am more likely to do ten minutes of stretching or five minutes of deep breathing to ocean sounds (since I no longer live near the beach) or take a mindful shower.

    There was a time when I thought those things weren’t worth the effort. I’m an all-or-nothing person! But a day with twenty-five minutes of self-care, spaced out, feels far better than a day with no self-care at all.

    Here are a few more of my favorite tiny acts of self-care:

    • Reading one chapter or a few pages of a book for pleasure
    • Doing a facial mask to feel cleaner and rejuvenated
    • Doing absolutely nothing for five minutes—just sitting and letting myself be
    • Calling someone I love to catch up
    • Lying with my legs up a wall to soothe my muscles and relax my mind
    • Applying lotion to my hands and massaging it in to relieve tension
    • Eating something healthy or drinking a green juice instead of having a processed snack
    • Doodling for a few minutes and reconnecting with my creative brain
    • Checking in with myself and asking, “What do I need right now?” Then giving it to myself, whether it’s a break, a glass of water, or a walk around the room.
    • Doing something I enjoyed a kid, like making up a stupid dance to a song I love

    5. Practice radical self-appreciation.

    I find that hard days are a lot easier when I’m easier on myself. Not always easy to do when the day feels hard because I often find a way to blame myself for the difficulty. Like I’m just not good enough or strong enough. Or I didn’t make the right choices, and that’s why things feel so hard now.

    To counter this, I try to imagine I’m watching someone I love living my life and think of what I’d tell them if they felt overwhelmed or down on themselves.

    I have even gotten into the habit of mentally calling myself “sister” sometimes—kind of weird, I know—because I am always highly empathetic toward my sister.

    So when I’m struggling, I might say, “Sister, you’re doing great! No one I know can do as much as you, or as well!”

    And then as a more preemptive act of self-appreciation, I try to check in with myself throughout the day to note things I’m doing well. And sometimes it’s not about doing, but about being.

    Great job being understanding when you really wanted to judge.

    Good on you for being thoughtful when you could have been swept up in your own stuff.

    Way to go on cutting yourself some slack—right now—even though you feel like you sucked at life today!

    I know from personal experience that hard days feel even more draining when we beat ourselves up every step of the way. It’s like walking through a storm carrying your own flailing, screaming twin on your back.

    The storm won’t be any less ferocious because we’re kinder to ourselves, but the journey is much less taxing when we consciously choose to love ourselves through it.

    —

    **This was post was edited to remove a giveaway that has since ended.

  • Calling Out Bullies: Why You Need to Stand Up for Yourself

    Calling Out Bullies: Why You Need to Stand Up for Yourself

    “Standing up for yourself doesn’t make you argumentative. Sharing your feelings doesn’t make you overly sensitive. And saying no doesn’t make you uncaring or selfish. If someone won’t respect your feelings, needs, and boundaries, the problem isn’t you; it’s them.” ~Lori Deschene

    In Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird, the main character Atticus Finch says, “I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It’s when you know you’re licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what.”

    What real courage is. 

    The message Atticus Finch provides is simple yet poignant and so often overlooked in our homes, communities, businesses, and society today.

    A quick search on Merriam-Webster reveals their definition of courage to be “mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty.”

    That definition fully supports the message Atticus Finch has been sharing with readers and viewers since the early 1960s.

    However, what it doesn’t support is our society’s narrow-minded view that courage is about being tough, domineering, combative, uncompassionate, and even violent.

    These stereotypes are continuously portrayed in movies and television shows, tolerated in our workplaces, prevalent in politics, and sadly, instilled in our children.

    What real courage means to me is the ability to go against the grain—to stand up for what may not be popular, for what may even get you ostracized, for the betterment of others and yourself.

    I would say a good representation of real courage are those who make the difficult decision to speak out against the bullies on the playground, who grow up and become bullies in the workplace. Something I sadly know a few things about.

    I’ve spent much of my life battling personal insecurities. While professional help has certainly aided in my continual journey to lessen their presence, as anyone who’s struggled with insecurities very well knows, you’re never completely rid of them. You just find ways to manage through and around them.

    My insecurities—like a loyal though unwelcome companion—rendered me timid, non-confrontational, unworthy, fearful, and quiet. When compounded with the reality that I was never athletic—a stereotypical and seemingly necessary characteristic when measuring manliness in society—I was often branded as an easy target for bullies.

    My grandparents, who were always there to offer a compassionate ear without judgment, offered the following advice when I was being bullied at school: “Just walk away and they’ll leave you alone.”

    While my grandparents undoubtedly meant well, their advice didn’t build my self-esteem as much as extinguish what little I had. While their advice did in fact pause the bullying for a short duration, the cycle would continue not long after.

    As I got older, married, and matured naturally with age, my insecurities subsided in many areas, and my days of being bullied seemed like another place and time in an existence now void of such challenges.

    But it wasn’t long before I started to realize that bullies don’t just exist on the playground.

    Sadly, I’ve experienced workplace bullying throughout my career to varying degrees. Through it all, I continually adopted my grandparents’ advice to “just walk away.”

    With workplace bullies often influential and powerful in organizations, it seemed like sound advice, especially given that the ultimate purpose for Human Resources is to protect the company, not its employees.

    But all that changed recently when I volunteered to take some professional development courses on communication, in order to better interact with my peers, as I’m currently a remote employee.

    While we’re taught reading, writing, and arithmetic during our undergraduate education, we’re rarely taught the skills to be an effective communicator.

    Oftentimes what we learn comes from witnessing an exchange of dialogue between those around us—in our homes, our schools, our communities, on television and in the movies, and yes, at our places of employment.

    However, not all the traits we absorb for being an effective communicator are rational or authentic.

    The online platform I’m utilizing suggests other courses to take after completion—one of which was “Bullying in the Workplace.” At first, I was going to bypass the suggestion altogether, but thought maybe there was something I needed to read.

    As it turns out, purposely isolating someone, making it known that you refuse to work with them even though the relationship is warranted, is in fact a bullying technique often referred to as “social bullying through intimidation.”

    Society believes that bullying fits into a neat little compartment. That it has to be aggressive and physically or verbally abusive in nature in order to be branded as such.

    But the reality is that bullying takes on many forms in schools, in businesses, and even in our homes. It’s so much more than just the violent behaviors we see popularized in news headlines and on TV shows, and therefore is often dismissed as nothing more than “personality conflicts.”

    While many consider being bullied as a test of one’s courage, I personally believe the measure of one’s real courage comes after you’ve accused the attacker.

    Sadly, many organizations fail to see bullying as a legitimate complaint, and often show little compassion toward those who bring bullying to their attention. My situation was no different.

    When I finally got up enough courage to make an official accusation that this refusal to work with me was, in fact, bullying, my superiors implied I was being paranoid and overly sensitive, fabricating observations in my head, as though my feelings weren’t warranted at all.

    With the exception of my direct manager, everyone implied I was wasting the companies’ time on a complaint that I suspect they already rendered baseless before a single in-person interview was conducted.

    They never asked me how I was feeling throughout the process. They never told me how courageous it was to bring such a difficult matter to the forefront of the company’s attention in the hopes of making things better for everyone.

    I never felt the company applied empathy to my circumstance, dismissing the consensus from cited research which was meant to provide credibility to my accusation, by claiming they simply couldn’t find any evidence supporting what I was talking about.

    I wish I could say that my workplace bullying complaint was taken seriously, but it wasn’t. It was quickly swept back under the rug after it was brought to management’s attention, leaving me to question if anything positive actually came from the experience.

    Admittedly, my bullying experiences have never reached the incredible magnitude others have been forced to endure, and truthfully, they are more of a shining example of courage than I can ever proclaim myself to be. But I do understand how it feels and that connectedness helps us realize we’re not alone in our plight.

    It’s important to remember that courage doesn’t mean you emerge victorious. It doesn’t mean that the so-called winner in our competitive hierarchy has really won much of anything.

    Courage is standing up for yourself when the risks are many and the possible rewards are few.

    I now know firsthand why so many cases of bullying in the workplace go unreported—why so many wonderful people choose to remain silent and instead leave organizations they truly love rather than stand up for themselves.

    It’s because the organizations they work for have shamefully failed them during times when it mattered most.

    What’s important is that you never give up on yourself, that even when you know you’re licked before you begin, you begin anyway and keep trying to do the right thing, while holding on and moving forward.

    But I want to be clear that unburdening yourself from the suffering of bullying is what real courage is. To risk alienation and retaliation to not only benefit your own life, but the lives of others this person may bully in the future. That’s truly selfless and shows incredible bravery, which often goes unnoticed.

    Those who are bullied and choose to come forward are often blamed and demoralized rather than acknowledged and applauded. What does that say about society when we dismiss these courageous individuals while supporting and promoting the bullies of the world?

    I wish I had the answer, but I don’t. All I can say with certainty is that anyone who comes forward with a claim of bullying is a crowning example of what real courage is. They deserve our trust, compassion, praise, and support, not our judgment.

    Fred Rogers once said, “It’s not the honors and the prizes and the fancy outsides of life which ultimately nourish our souls. It’s the knowing that we can be trusted, that we never have to fear the truth, that the bedrock of our very being is good stuff.”

    I stand behind my truth, regardless of the fact that the organization has denied it. And the truth, whether believed or not, is now out there subliminally haunting the accuser and hopefully forcing necessary changes to benefit everyone in the organization.

    Be proud of your truth and firmly stand beside it. Take solace in the fact that even if others do their best to try to discredit what you’re saying and how you’re feeling, at the end of the day the truth is still the truth.

  • Beating the Odds: Why I Survived and My Brother Did Not

    Beating the Odds: Why I Survived and My Brother Did Not

    My brother, Marc-Emile, sparkled brilliantly. At sixteen years old, he could expound on physics or Plato, calculus, or car mechanics, Stravinsky or Steppenwolf. At seventeen, he began reading the Great Books series, starting with Homer and Aeschylus and moving forward through the Greeks. I don’t know how many of those Great Books he read. He didn’t have that long.

    My brother had everything going for him. He was kind, ethical, and handsome. He graduated high school a year early, at the top of his class, with virtually perfect SATs. He started at MIT as a physics major. He ended at MIT too, one year later. At the age of nineteen, he flung himself to his death from the tallest campus building.

    Then there was me, Marc’s little sister. Everyone knew me too, but not because I was brilliant. I was exceptional in a less appealing way, having been severely burned in a fire when I was four years old. I barely survived this injury, which left me with no lower lip, no chin, no neck and my upper arms fused to my torso. Bright purple raised scars traveled the length of my small body.

    I spent month after month in the hospital alone, undergoing one terrifying reconstructive surgery after the next. When I was home, I was bullied and taunted, kids running past me, screaming “Yuck!” as they fled, laughing. The children’s hospital ward was my playground. Wheelchair races were my soccer. I couldn’t take ballet because I couldn’t lift my arms above my head.

    So why is it that I am now living a contented, fulfilling life, happily married and surrounded by friends? And why is it that my exceptional, gifted brother took his own life forty years ago? No one would have bet on this outcome.

    Perhaps a clue lay in our baby photos. As toddlers, each of us had been brought to a professional photographer’s studio. In his photos, my brother sits cooperatively on a wooden stool, holding a ball with stars on it. He looks at the camera with pensive eyes, half-smiling. In another photo, he gamely holds a toy train. Again, he peers into the camera, observing and reticent.

    The page turns in the photo album and there I am. I laugh, mouth stretched as wide as possible. I point, tiny eyebrows comically raised. I hold my head coquettishly. I am probably nine months old and clearly having the time of my life. I don’t even need a toy. I’m a party all by myself.

    My basic temperament was different from Marc’s. I was friendly; he was introverted. I was optimistic; he tended toward depression. I was gleeful; he was sad. From the start, we displayed these differences, differences, which turn out to be vital factors in our survival.

    I have spent my lifetime trying to figure out why I am still here when my brother is not. It feels wrong, even four decades later. I feel his absence as an ache in my chest, a slight stabbing on the left side, like a slender silver knife slipping into my heart. His absence has been present within me, every day of my life.

    A day I have grown to loather is National Siblings Day, a reoccurring nightmare of a day, which happens every April 10. My friends post loving photos of themselves, arms around their brother or sister. Sometimes they share old photos taken decades ago and pose cleverly in new photos to recreate the original picture. They stand, embracing each other in an identical pose, but now with gray hair and glasses. They smile, grinning at the years that have passed, sharing the joke together.

    I don’t know how National Siblings Day started, or whose bright idea it was. I never used to have to endure this day. My only comfort, and this is cold comfort indeed, is the comradery of my friend’s daughter, who lost her only sibling four years ago. Every year, for the past four years, I have texted dear Laura on April 10th.

    “Happy F-g National Siblings Day. I love you.”

    Within seconds, Laura responds. “I know. It’s awful. I love you too.”

    I am here, Marc is not. I am resilient, despite the odds against me. He was not resilient, despite the odds in his favor. It turns out that being naturally cheerful might be more important than acing the SATs.

    Perhaps in this year of COVID-19 and other assorted disasters, the capacity to be cheerful is the most crucial gift of all.

    I am upbeat and optimistic, despite being burned, abandoned, neglected, bullied, and despite losing my favorite person in the world. I don’t necessarily mean to be cheerful; it just happens. I’m like the red and white plastic bobber on the end of a fishing line. I go under and then just pop back up again, for no real reason other than that’s just what I do. It’s my temperament; I don’t choose it.

    Marc didn’t choose his temperament either; none of us do. Our genes are what they are. But luckily, genetics are not the only factor in resilience. Life experience matters too, and so does social support.

    Optimism can be encouraged. Gratitude can be worked on. We can teach people the skills to cope, in our homes, our schools, or our psychotherapy offices.

    We can impart the importance of physical, mental, and emotional self-care so they develop a strong foundation of well-being. We can give them tools to handle life’s challenges—like reframing struggles as opportunities, focusing on things they can control, finding strength in all they’ve overcome, and letting other people in. And we can teach them to recognize stress before it escalates so they can calm and soothe themselves.

    Resilience is like intelligence: some people are born naturally smarter, but everyone can learn. Some people are born more resilient, but everyone can be helped.

    We need to keep our collective eyes out for those who are sad, who seem hopeless, who don’t smile for the camera. We really need to keep our eyes peeled now, during this time of quarantine and social isolation, because emotional distress is on the rise.

    Science tells us resilience can be improved. However, offering help will be more complicated, time-consuming, and expensive than simply exhorting, “Be more resilient!” Demanding resilience does not make it happen. Some people need to be taught how.

    Let’s not pretend we all begin at the same starting line. And, speaking from a lifetime of missing my brother… let’s not leave anyone behind.

  • When You’re Confused About What to Do: How to Find Clarity

    When You’re Confused About What to Do: How to Find Clarity

    “Nothing in the world can bother you as much as your own mind, I tell you. In fact, others seem to be bothering you, but it is not others, it is your own mind.” ~Sri Sri Ravi Shankar

    Do you ever feel confused about what to do and unsure about how to find clarity?

    Maybe an unforeseen event, like a layoff or breakup, knocked you into a mental spin. Or perhaps you’re muddling along, with no clue where you’re going.

    Confusion can leave you helpless, indecisive, and afraid. And not knowing what to do only adds to your mental chaos.

    I’ve been there, lost, irresolute, and undecided in life. But, amid my mid-life confusion, life-changing trauma blasted all that mental mess aside and made way for a greater worry—leukemia.

    Yet, surprisingly, cancer guided me toward mental clarity and calm.

    But don’t despair. You don’t need a tragedy to create inner lucidity. Because here’s the three-step method that I discovered to transform confusion into mental clarity.

    Slow Down for Mental Clarity

    Your first step is time.

    A few months before my leukemia diagnosis, I anguished over a career shift. Well into my forties, I heard an invisible clock ticking and pressured myself to make the perfect decision.

    Instead, I only stressed myself. The confusion never left me, and I never arrived at any conclusions.

    Then leukemia halted me physically, forcing me to slow down. Self-isolated, with a weakened immune system, I found myself with an abundance of time. And I used that time to sort out the mess in my head, a mess that suddenly seemed futile.

    I learned that important decisions require contemplation, and contemplation requires time. Only the space to reflect will sort out your mental ramblings.

    So, be kind to yourself and give yourself the time to get clear on what’s clouding your head.

    Depending on your situation, you might need a full day in a relaxed setting to analyze your options and weigh the pros and cons. You could take a week or two alone in a meditative, spiritual, or agnostic retreat vacation. Or you can take a sabbatical.

    The greater your decision, the more time you’ll need.

    Be an Observer

    When you distance yourself from your thoughts, you can better decipher your mind’s turbulence.

    Because physical space isn’t enough. You need more mental space, too.

    Often, as you multitask your hours and days away, you fill your mind with busyness. And a monkey mind only tightens your mental bind.

    So, your second step to mental clarity is to begin noting and observing your thoughts without judgement. How? With mindfulness, which is excellent for both mental and emotional clarity.

    To prevent my mind from wandering to dark places during my frequent hospitalizations, I practiced deep breathing exercises, focusing only on my breath. And that breathing technique forced me to stay present.

    I made fast progress into mindfulness and spotted repeated thought patterns. I realized my confusion didn’t stem from my indecisiveness over a career change. Instead, it masked a profound dissatisfaction with how I was living life. I lacked direction and purpose. So even if I had changed jobs, it wouldn’t have eliminated my mental chaos.

    When you observe your thoughts, the key to clarity is to note them for what they are without criticizing yourself. I noted my thoughts as “fear” or “worry” or “dissatisfaction,” which helped me to understand and accept them.

    Once you let go of your internal critic and accept your present mindset, you cut through your haziness to reveal your true mental and emotional states.

    Trust Yourself, Not Your Confusion

    “You are not your mind.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    Once you step away from thoughts, you realize you and your mind are two separate entities, and you don’t have to believe it.

    When this realization sinks in, you can untether yourself from the thoughts that hold you back.

    You’re not confused because you don’t know what to do; you’re confused because you’re telling yourself limiting stories about what you can do. Deep down you know what you want, but limiting fears, beliefs, and assumptions are making you question yourself. And many have no basis in reality.

    For example, you might strive for perfection because you fear making mistakes. And perhaps you fear making mistakes because you’re convinced others can love you only if you’re perfect.

    The ultimate step is to challenge your beliefs to achieve both mental and emotional clarity.

    When considering a career change, I dismissed writing as a possibility. I kept pushing that solution away. And I never questioned myself.

    Yet my battle with leukemia gave me time and presence of mind to challenge myself.

    And what did I discover?

    I never considered writing as a career change because I didn’t believe in my capabilities.

    Because I didn’t believe in myself.

    Only then did I understand my confusion: the lack of self-examination created all of my mental and emotional upheaval.

    With no judgment and no shame, I accepted that limiting belief, hidden in the corners of my mind for ages. And I realized it wasn’t true.

    So, I let it go.

    Are you telling yourself you’re a failure or that you’re not good enough? You won’t know until you begin with some thoughtful questions.

    To help you challenge yourself, try this 4-question technique from Byron Katie:

    • “Is it true?”
    • “Can you absolutely know it’s true?”
    • “What happens when you believe that thought?” (what are your reactions or emotions?)
    • “Without the thought, who would you be?”

    Your answers will most likely surprise you, but also free you from stagnating beliefs.

    When you create space, live in the present, and question your confusion, you will discover mental clarity.

    Conquer Confusion with Mental Clarity

    These three sure-fire steps will lead you on a path to more clarity.

    And, over time, you will be more adept at preventing confusion as you stay present and aware of the mental traps. And each time you get snagged on confusion, you’ll know how to free yourself from it.

    So, take back your power, make better decisions, and live a more courageous life thanks to your newfound mental clarity.

  • How to Make Sense of the Anxiety That Comes with Being a Parent

    How to Make Sense of the Anxiety That Comes with Being a Parent

    “You must first teach a child he is loved. Only then is he ready to learn everything else.” ~Amanda Morgan

    If I had a nickel for every parent who asked me, “So, if we do (…insert a strategy they have been given…), can we know for sure that he won’t have to deal with (…insert list of problems here …) when he grows up?”

    Sadly, there are no nickels for hearing the question, nor guarantees to offer anxious parent. In fact, parental anxiety exists largely because life has no guarantees.

    Nevertheless, the question in itself is worth considering.

    So let’s look at it. Essentially, every parent wants to know “What should we be doing to guarantee that our child is a ‘successful’ adult who won’t have to experience avoidable pain and suffering?”

    Let that sink in.

    Of course, we want to have this reassurance.

    Of course, we want our children to never have to experience the pain and suffering that we know are possible in life.

    And, of course, we want to do what we can, proactively, to help them avoid the pitfalls.

    But can we?

    It’s September 2020 and as I write this, I am highly aware that my only child was born twenty-five years ago tomorrow. I’m a bit melancholic.

    Twenty-five years ago today, I was preparing for my maternity leave from a workplace I thoroughly enjoyed, providing mental health care to children, teens, and their families. I put in extra hours when it was needed, not out of a sense of obligation, but because it was truly inspiring, meaningful work and I felt blessed for having the opportunity to do it.

    And I had a plan! I would take the maximum six months paid maternity leave, but after that, I would be returning to this wonderfully demanding job. I would find quality childcare. All would be well.

    But that plan changed when I met her.

    Due to complications, I was not conscious for her birth and so, when I met her, two hours later, she was asleep. I couldn’t have been more dumbfounded if I had woken up to a pink, polka dotted dancing elephants in my hospital room.

    She was in an incubator at the foot of my bed, wrapped all in pink with a little pink knitted hat on her tiny head. It was a girl! And I was in awe. And completely in love.

    In that moment, though I didn’t quite know it yet, my plans were going to change. 

    My doctor stopped by on her rounds the next morning.

    “Any baby blues?” she asked.

    “Does crying during the Freedom 55 commercial count? You know the one where they show you that little girl being born, grow up, and then she’s bringing her children to visit her mother?”

    She laughed. “You’ve got more than a few years before you’re worrying about that, Judith!”

    “Ah. Then, no. We’re good,” I muttered.

    But was I?

    In those earliest of days, as I waited for us to be discharged from hospital, my whole experience of who I was and what mattered to me inexorably changed. My only priority was to care for her. And, so long as I was conscious, I could put my arms around her and meet her every need!

    In the end, I took an eleven-month maternity leave and then quit my much loved, but demanding job. I negotiated part-time contract work that was financially and practically workable and did not require “extra” time.  And that was that.

    By the time she was starting pre-school, I turned my career back to working with children because, beyond enjoying working with children, I could learn strategies for “how to be a better parent” through my work. And my experience as a parent contributed to improving the quality of my work with the children and their families.  This was a win-win.

    What came to matter most was making sure my daughter was protected, safe, and had everything she ever needed to be a happy, successful, competent, confident, independent, compassionate, kind, loved adult. My efforts in all other areas of my life were guided by this intention.

    If I took time for meditating, it was to be able to be more present with her.

    If I continued with my music lessons, it was to be an example to her of how leisure and learning are lifelong pursuits and part of a balanced life.

    I read self-help books to help me navigate my role as a parent in the most responsible way.

    I did some things well. Really well! At other times, I messed up and then apologized and made things right.

    I know I will continue to do well sometimes. And not so well at other times. I will continue to be a fallible human mother in a relationship with her fallible human child.

    And now she’s twenty-five years old. She has finished her post-secondary program. She has loving friends and family. She has skills and talents. She has my full support when she wants or needs it.

    And despite everything I know, have learned, and done, I still cannot guarantee that she won’t experience pain and suffering in her life.  

    At this point, like her peers, she is trying to launch into an adult life during a global pandemic.  And it’s hard.  But, as hard as it is for her, it is equally hard for me to witness.  While I can still put my arms around her, I can no longer meet her every need.  And no matter what either or us do, there are no guarantees.

    So, my answer to that golden question is:  No. There are no guarantees that any of the strategies we use will give our children lives free of struggles, challenges, pain, and strife.

    At the end of the day, there is only one thing that will really matter. It’s whether or not we’ve had a healthy relationship with them in which they have felt truly safe and loved.

    A relationship in which they know they can choose to turn to us for love and support during those inevitably painful times in life, knowing we will be there. Holding a safe space. Arms open wide ready to hold them.

    And when we’re no longer able to be in this life with them, that they can have the deep imprint of love through the lived experience of the secure, safe, honest relationship they had with us.

    How do we do this?

    By showing up.

    By getting things right.

    By getting things wrong.

    By making apologies and making amends.

    By creating a relationship in which they feel seen, heard, understood and loved. For who they are. Not for who we expect them to be.

    When I think of my daughter and her upcoming birthday, I immediately see a little bundle wrapped in pink. And I smile. She’ll be okay.

  • Instead of Fearing Change, Get Excited About Progress

    Instead of Fearing Change, Get Excited About Progress

    “Progress is impossible without change.” ~Walt Disney

    I want you to look in the mirror and tell me what you see.

    Do you look older? Does your skin have more wrinkles? Do you notice dark circles around your eyes or white hair on your head?

    You are looking at massive changes from a decade ago. A lot of it you probably don’t like—changes due to your body growing older. Changes that you cannot resist.

    Now look in the mirror again. Do you notice a more confident person? Someone who is self-assured, optimistic, and happy in life?

    It happened to me a few weeks back when I was getting ready for an interview. For my preparation, I was talking to myself in the mirror, and as I paused, I had this moment of mindfulness in which all I noticed was my confidence, optimism, and positive energy.

    This one epiphany completely shifted how I looked at change.

    That day in the mirror, I saw progress. I saw a shy anxious kid—one who was afraid and bullied— completely flip the script on its head to become a confident, happy, and self-assured human being.

    We all react differently to change. Some of us seek it. Some don’t mind it but won’t actively go looking for it. And others don’t like it.

    Regardless of where we stand, I can bet that none of us like it when change is forced upon us. So we fight it because we feel out of control, and the unknown generally feels scary. But what if taking back control was all a matter of perspective?

    Change is automatic. It happens whether we like it or not, and we have no option but to face it. It is up to us to make the most of it. We decide how we react to it and what we do with it.

    Think Progress, Not Change

    All progress equates to change, but not all change equates to progress. You losing your job is change. You deciding to pursue a career that’s more in line with your values and passions is progress.

    Progress makes us happy. It makes us want to jump out of bed every day with intent and purpose. Progress pushes us forward. It has to be worked on. Unlike change, it is not automatic.

    When I look back at all the progress I have made, it always makes me pause and smile and fills me with joy. It also renews my intent toward my own development.

    You cannot sit on your ass and hope to progress. It requires movement. It demands you put in the hours. And in the process, it pushes you to grow. To become someone capable of handling any problems that come your way.

    Progress, in the end, pays you back tenfold! And it all starts with change.

    Change Can Be Distressing, Progress a Blessing

    For a lot of us, change is a constant source of worry. I don’t have to look very far for examples. My parents get stressed even at the smallest sign of change.

    If you are anything like my parents, at the first sign of change, you start to rumble and complain. Instead of thinking of how this change will benefit your life, you start to think about all the ways in which it will impact you negatively.

    This is evident in the vocabulary we use when we talk about change—scary, hard, overwhelming. It’s also evident in our behavior toward people who push us to change—we may recoil, resist, or even resent them.

    In that moment when we are facing or going through a lot of changes, we have the opportunity to recognize and get excited about the progress we can make, but instead, we often choose fear.

    When we focus on the excitement of progress, change feels a lot less scary and we feel inspired to take action. Because like survival, curiosity is one of our greatest instincts. We get energized when we imagine fun new possibilities and focus on what we can control to create them instead of worrying about what’s out of our hands.

    The next time you’re faced with a change you didn’t choose, instead of asking:

    Why me?
    What did I do to deserve this?
    Why now? I am not ready for this…

    Ask yourself:

    How is this pushing me to progress?
    What new experiences and opportunities will this bring?
    What can I do to be ready for this?

    It’s all a matter of perspective. Viktor Frankl, the famous Holocaust survivor understood this better than anybody else. In his book, he writes:

    “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom”

    In one of my previous posts, I shared how I used to rumble and complain. It was easy for me to play the victim card and think only about the negative impacts of change, completely overlooking the good it might bring.

    When I first moved to the US, I hated my life there. I was forced to move against my wishes. I went from a carefree eighteen-year-old kid to someone who had to work minimum wage jobs to help pay the bills and save up for college.

    In that moment, I hated it. I was angry and frustrated and constantly biding my time looking for an escape. But now when I look back, I recognize that my work ethic came from working at a Subway for five years. It helped me grow from an introvert to someone who can easily start a conversation with any stranger at one arm’s distance. Coming from a country where English is the second language, it sharpened my English-speaking skills.

    The change, in hindsight, led to progress.

    When a caterpillar transforms into a butterfly, you see progress. And isn’t it beautiful?

    Maybe it’s time you started to look at change in your own life in the same light. You can think of it as losing the safety of your cocoon, or as an opportunity to transform into a beautiful, colorful, magnificent butterfly.

    The choice is really yours….