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You’re Not Bad; You’re Crying Out for Help

Help

“A kind gesture can reach a wound that only compassion can heal.” ~Steve Maraboli

My fourth grade teacher was named Mrs. King, and she was a no-nonsense, fairly stern presence who enforced the rules and kept us kids in line. I was a timid kid who wouldn’t have dared to break rules anyway, and I assumed that Mrs. King didn’t like any of us, especially not me.

The only time we left Mrs. King’s classroom was to have our hour a week of “Music,” which meant trouping off to a downstairs room that contained a piano and a slightly manic woman who played us old folk songs to sing along with, like “Waltzing Matilda” and “Sixteen Tons.”

One day in music class I transformed into a bad kid. Instead of quietly following the rules, I made cat noises during the songs. I poked other girls in the ribs. I loudly whispered forbidden things, like “Linda is a peepee head.”

I don’t remember even wondering why this transformation had happened to me. It just happened.

As we trouped back upstairs I felt defiant, but when I heard several of my classmates telling Mrs. King about my behavior, I began to deflate. “Ann was bad in music class,” one of them said. “She was meowing in the songs,” added another.

“Ann,” said Mrs. King, “please come with me.”

I was struck dumb with terror. Now I was going to discover what happened to bad kids. I didn’t know what it would be, but I was sure I wasn’t going to like it. Shaking, I followed Mrs. King out into the hall, and into the tiny teacher’s lounge. We sat down.

“Ann,” she said. I didn’t dare look at her. My heart was pounding. What was she going to say about my misbehavior? What was my punishment going to be?

The silence stretched on, and I realized she was waiting for me to look at her. I dared to peek at Mrs. King’s face, and I was astonished. I had never seen such compassion.

She said, “I know your dog died…”

It was true. A few weeks before, out on a walk with my beloved dog Trixie, I had let her off the leash, and she had been hit by a car when running across a street to rejoin me. My parents had quickly bought me another pet.

There were no models in my family for allowing feelings to emerge. I remember being mystified when I saw my brother briefly weep for Trixie—and he hadn’t even been there when she was killed. I hadn’t been aware of feeling anything at all.

In the teacher’s lounge with Mrs. King, under her kind gaze, my eyes filled up with tears. I nodded. Yes, my dog had died.

“Maybe you would like to write a story about your dog. I know you like to write. Maybe you could give it a different ending if you want.”

I did write that story, but even before I began, the shift had already happened. I had my self back. It was okay to feel sadness and shock.

There was room in the world for my feelings, because someone with compassion had seen them.

Having feelings in response to events is normal. When we can share those feelings with caring family and friends, it allows the feelings to go through a natural cycle of change.

Understandings surface: “Oh, now I see what bothered me so much.” Our circle of support strengthens. After a while we feel refreshed, stronger, ready to go on.

Many people, though, grow up, as I did, in a family and a culture where feelings are not welcome. Feelings are embarrassing, or they show we are weak, or they are something we “just don’t do” and nobody talks about.

In some kinds of families, feelings are actually dangerous. “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.”

When we repress and deny our feelings, we cut off a natural process of healing and self-understanding. When that avenue is closed, what is left to us is “acting out”—being “bad,” being depressed, addictive behavior of all kinds.

Many of us deaden our feelings with unhealthy food, drugs and alcohol, video games, overwork. At some level we feel deeply out of balance, but we suppress that too.

This can lead to a feeling of being inwardly at war, trying to stop whatever it is, feeling ashamed, yet finding ourselves still doing what we don’t want to do.

What can change this is a process of bringing compassionate understanding to our warring parts, a process I call Inner Relationship Focusing.

First, slow down. Pause and make contact with your body.

Use this kind of language to describe the inner war: “Something in me wants to eat potato chips, and something in me says that that is disgusting.”

Then say hello to each of the parts you have identified. “Hello, I know you are there.” (Notice how that already shifts how all this feels.)

Next, assume, as Mrs. King did with me, that there is some life-serving reason why each part is behaving as it is.

Lastly, ask each one: “What might you be wanting to help me with?” Wait for the answer to come from inside. When an answer comes, let it know you hear it. Don’t try to make it change. Change comes when something you feel is deeply heard with compassion.

I am so grateful for all the ways that compassion shows up in my life. I have learned that every part of me is trying to save my life. And in bringing compassionate inner listening to my warring parts, I have healed from writer’s block, addictions, and social anxiety, to name just a few.

And I never cease being grateful to Mrs. King, who showed me that day long ago that someone can look past outer “bad” behavior to the worthwhile person inside. A deep bow to you, Mrs. King.

Helping hand image via Shutterstock

About Ann Weiser Cornell

Ann is the CEO of Focusing Resources, offering workshops, phone seminars, books, video and audio, with the mission of “relieve suffering, awaken possibility.” She is co-developer, with Barbara McGavin, of Inner Relationship Focusing, and author of The Power of Focusing and The Radical Acceptance of Everything. Sign up for her weekly tips at focusingresources.com.

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Julie

Great post, great timing! My boyfriend is stuck in several addictive and/or unhealthy behaviours (unhealthy food, lack of sleep, weed, alcohol,…) and I know it’s because he’s hurting but I can’t seem to be able to reach him and whenever I try to talk about it, we end up arguing and this is destroying us. He refuses to admit there is anything wrong, most of the time. I’ve considered forwarding him this post but he would just disregard it as new-age nonsense…

Peggy Foster

This post really gave me cause to stop and think. My parents too didn’t do well with emotion and went so far as to make fun if any if us showed it. I hadn’t really ever put it together before, but it explains some of my actions. I’ll be sure to keep some of your suggestions in mind for the future. Thanks so much!!

Jeevan/Mirthu/Gupt

“Many people, though, grow up, as I did, in a family and a
culture where feelings are not welcome. Feelings are embarrassing, or
they show we are weak, or they are something we “just don’t do” and
nobody talks about. Many of us deaden our feelings with unhealthy food, drugs and alcohol, video games, overwork. At some level we feel deeply out of balance, but we suppress that too.” So true…Thank you for sharing this touching story…

Jeevan/Mirthu/Gupt

No one can ever help/save another who doesn’t want to help themselves; no matter how much we try!

Maree

Thank you for this post. I have been working on just this type of thing for the last few years, as I grew up in a family where having emotions that were not positive or what everyone else wanted you to have was not accepted. I have recently found a few new friends who do just what Mrs King did for you – they have seen the pain I’m in and not been afraid to acknowledge and accept me. It has helped me immensely! I plan to implement your suggestions. Thank you so much!

Prafulla Shrivastva

Ann, Now I got courage to express myself, something hidden from rest of the world has created lots of agony in me. I am always afraid, I will be not accepted by society or family members if I express my original feelings to them but now I can express myself. Thanks for sharing your article here.

sia

Dear Ann, this post moved me to tears. It also inspired me to become my own Mrs. King. Thank you for such a nice post.

Hugh

My case with my husband is very similar although the addictions are more related to his work. Men are just difficult socially when it comes to expressing their feelings. True you can’t help them or change them- they need to do that. The hard thing I’m doing now is just watching my compassion and not letting his emotional wall hurt me. Tough but that’s what I signed on for.

Jason Holborn

Wow.
Mrs. King is quite a teacher.
Thanks for this story.

Le Blanc

Beautiful. Thank you

Ann Weiser Cornell

Maree, I am so grateful that you have found a few new friends who see the real you inside. It amazes me how much difference just one friend can make, who can treat us that way. And it brings me hope.

Ann Weiser Cornell

Prafulla, I am deeply touched when I hear that now you have courage to express yourself, something that has been hidden from the rest of the world. So beautiful!

Prafulla Shrivastva

Yes, expressing feelings with tears are best way to explain others who do not understand your conversation.

Pixie5

You will never know until you try. and really this isn’t “new-age” anyway. It is about psychology.

However it is true that you can’t save everyone. If you try sending this you have to let go of expectations, which believe me, is very difficult. I haven’t mastered that yet!

I think though the main gist of the article is to feel compassion for yourself and others. Again a difficult thing to do!

Above all, you need to take care of yourself, if his behavior becomes too destructive.

Have you ever heard of Al-Anon? It is a 12-step support group for people who have a loved one with addiction issues

Pixie5

I am so glad you had such a wonderful teacher to guide you and not condemn you.

When I was a kid I got the label “cry-baby” because every once in awhile I had crying jags. I did not know why I was crying because no one ever helped me to understand my feelings. Too many times children’s feelings are written off as simply “wanting attention”, which I did not. But even if a child does want attention I tend to think that there is a good reason for that. What if they actually NEED attention?

I think maybe this type of parenting style is part and parcel of the old saying “Children are to be seen, not heard.” Children are lessor beings than adults and there is also the still used phrase to describe them as “little bundles of sin.” If a parent sees their child as “sinning” every time they have an emotion or act out then the child shuts down, completely. That happened to me as I felt numb most of the time.

Meanwhile in this kind of parenting system adults are often allowed to express their feelings in destructive ways. It is okay for the parent to scream, yell, cry and verbally abuse the child, or worse. Communication is from the top down and the parent’s misery is dumped on the child. But the child can never say anything back to defend themselves or even ask the perfectly reasonable question of why the parent is saying what she is saying in the first place. Because the child is supposed to be a mind-reader.

Even good, well-meaning parents can fall into this trap. My parents did love me, but they did not know how to express it or to listen to my point of view. I am still recovering from that.

Shannon Crane

Ann, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE what you are doing with Focusing Resources! As a matter of fact, I recently referenced you (with a link to your website) in my blog! So wonderful to see this amazing article just a few days later. You are doing the work I love and believe in with all my heart and I am so thankful for your message!

Here’s my article (The Challenge of Making Friends with Fear) where I referenced your site: http://awakeninginlove.com/?page_id=151

salstar

Wonderful I wish everyone could learn to talk…..sometimes we do to the wrong people and then we are ridiculed and young people have this problem. Find someone who truly cares and open up and accept yourself…..it is only then that change can happen.