“Stop beating yourself up. You are a work in progress, which means you get there a little at a time, not all at once.” ~Unknown
Often these days, I would like nothing more than to move forward. If I could only figure out which way was forward, I would definitely start heading in that direction. If you couldn’t already tell, I’m going through a break-up, the most major break-up of my life so far.
Again, I’m often disappointed that if I were to check a box to describe my “relationship status” it would most likely be “It’s complicated.”
Truthfully, it’s not as complicated as I make it; however, at times it has me spun around to the point that I don’t know my direction. Pain and confusion are part of daily life.
Recently, after a tearful conversation with my ever-supportive sister, I was looking forward to sitting down on my cushion and experiencing the sadness and pain I was feeling.
I had spent a day intently focused at work, and, when my mind wandered, holding back tears. I was looking forward to letting those tears flow. I was ready to let these emotions live and to acknowledge and accept them, to live with them.
I thanked my sister for everything, hung up the phone, walked to my cushion, and sat. I set the timer. I pulled my head up high. I collapsed, crying. I pulled myself up again. I collapsed again, bawling.
Merely the thought of pulling my chest up again was exhausting. All day I had looked forward to a moment when I could let these emotions be, and now I felt too weak to experience them in the manner I thought I should.
Experiencing the discomfort, however, did not seem to be my current problem.
These emotions had something to teach me, and I wanted to learn. If I could just sit in meditation with the pain I was experiencing, I could begin to understand the lessons—or so I thought. I thought the lessons would tell me what to do and how to move forward.
I wanted to be strong and stable. I wanted to sit with my head high and feel the pain. I wanted to not be a pile of howling self-pity on my bedroom floor. Sitting on the cushion, I realized I might not have an option.
It was undeniable. At this moment I might just be a weeping mass on my bedroom floor. A word came to mind: overwhelm. I was overwhelmed.
So I reset my timer. Five minutes. For five minutes I could cry my heart out. Then, I decided, I’ll get up, cook dinner, eat dinner, drink a cup of coffee, and read a novel, and then I’ll come back to the cushion.
The new plan went much better. Only, I wept for about thirty seconds, and then I lay there breathing deeply. The timer went off and I got up.
I remembered Pema Chodron’s advice about lightening up, which is exactly what I needed to do. She said, splash water on your face, go jogging, do anything different. I put on Donna Summers instead of the cathartic break-up music I’ve been playing recently.
I danced while I cooked dinner. I had my dinner, my coffee, my reading. I sat on my cushion. I experienced the feelings that had now transitioned into numbness.
The gratitude I have for that experience, for being able to recognize my needs and provide them for myself, to simply give myself a positive, healthy break, is immense.
I gave myself the space I needed. I had hoped to sit on the cushion and get that space, but I found it shaking to “Bad Girls” instead.
It’s not uncommon to want ourselves or our situation to be different. It is the desire to be a better person that pushes us to grow, change, and actually become better people. However, personal growth is often a slow and painful process.
The expectation to be something we are not, whether temporarily or permanently, is a form of aggression toward our selves.
The best thing we can do is nurture ourselves and our circumstances just as they are. Listen to yourself and do not try to force yourself or your situation to be something it is not.
When you give yourself a break, you create space. Allowing things to be, just as they are, without judgment or expectation, gives you room to breathe. And that is good for clarity. You may find things start to get better, if you let them.
My situation remains “complicated,” and I still experience confusion. However, the confusion has slowly begun to dissipate. I am more willing to rest in that confusion, to accept complicated.
The truth is, I am moving forward, day by day, no matter what my choices. There is nothing disappointing about complication; it’s a sign of growth and transition. It’s hard to see sometimes, but the joy of living is in the unknown.
Letting myself be weak gave me strength. Letting myself be confused gave me clarity. Letting my life be complicated simplified it. Letting myself off the hook gave me a really pleasant evening when I needed it most.
Girl meditating image via Shutterstock
About Sarah Rouse
Sarah Rouse is more of a reader than a writer. After dabbling in meditation in the past, she found new dedication to the practice after a recent break-up. She hopes sharing her story will help others as others have helped her.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Hi Sarah
Thank you for sharing your experience and insights. I think that advice about doing something different and trying to lighten things up is great. As you saw from your own experience, it was a great way to get some energy moving in a better direction. For me, one of the most helpful things in dealing with unpleasant feelings is just accepting them as they are. I am not thrilled with them, but not resisting them creates such a different energy. The intensity diminishes. I have also just been more accepting of life’s ups and downs. This idea that we should never experience anything bad and try to avoid it at all costs, or that bad things happening will forever taint our experience, can certainly make these times more difficult.
What a beautiful heartfelt story…thank you for sharing.
Thanks so much for your words Sarah, I’m in a same situation myself and been wondering about these things so much lately. Mainly about giving space to myself, my loved one and all the issues in general. Letting go of all control feels so scary, but I’m starting to learn it might be the safest option after all. All the best!
Terry, I wish you all the best. Personally I am comforted when I remember that there is potential for the greatest gains in the most troublesome experiences. Letting go—talk about troublesome! I’m glad my story got to you. Take care. –Sarah
Thanks, Stephen. I’m happy it touched you. –Sarah
Kelli, I agree with you all around. Resisting negative experiences seems to just create blocks. Accepting things just as they are and not resisting them (good or bad) seems to open the door for the next thing (good or bad). When we fight against what is happening, we tend to just get bogged down in things we have no control over. At least that has been my experience. Thank you so much for reading my story and for your comment. –Sarah
Hey Sarah.
I’ve also been finding that when I give myself a break, doing something totally different, it helps give me some space instead of ruminating and ruminating in my mind. I think feeling emotions is ABSOLUTELY essential to bring things to light, but at the same time, a lot of things are less serious that we make them out to be.
Life is full of ups and downs. Sometimes you’re happy, but you know you can’t be happy forever so you enjoy the happiness now. Sometimes you’re sad, but you know you’ve been happy before and the sadness won’t end so you let it wash over you.
Everything in a constant flux.
I used to SUCK at self-care, and still am improving on it (such as with breaks, positive self-talk, and so on), but it is an ESSENTIAL skill that I think is responsible for huge amounts of personal growth and success.
Good luck with everything. Meditation is one of the tools that I believe has personally saved my life. Don’t stop it.
I really needed to read this today..I am in a same situation and read this was very touching for me. Thanks for sharing…
I love this post! It brought tears to my eyes. It put a smile on my face. And it reminded me of who I am and I felt self love & peace to be me again. Thank you Sarah Rouse
Read your article today, Sarah. Thanks for this reminder:
“When you give yourself a break, you create space. Allowing things to be, just as they are, without judgment or expectation, gives you room to breathe. And that is good for clarity. You may find things start to get better, if you let them.”
Helps me move forward today…
Noam, I agree completely. It’s also difficult to remember that often just because one aspect of life is “bad” there is still plenty of good. When we give ourselves a break and get out of our heads for a minute, we can see the good that was there all along.
I’m definitely a work in progress and most days I try to remember that is a good thing. I like being the me now more than the me ten years ago, or even the me of yesterday. I try to remember the chance to learn and grow and change is a gift. Never squander a gift!
Sometimes I consider dropping mediation, but that thought never lasts long. Mediation adds so much good. (I’ve even convinced my “every-supportive” sister to try it.)
Thanks for reading my story and sharing your thoughts.
Take care, Sarah
Tray, thank you! This website helped me so much. The reason I wanted to share my story was to hopefully be there for another person when they needed it. Thank you. Foster that self love and peace. Build that. (That advice is to you and me as well.) Take care. –Sarah
LCemusic, I’m glad it helped. I think that paragraph you noted is most essential. I can not describe how much simpler things became once I let things be, once I quit fighting everything. Still there is confusion, but I can accept the confusion now. I’m not fighting against it. There is space. Again, I’m glad my story helped. Take care. –Sarah
Alejandra, I’m glad my story was there for you when you needed it. Thank you for commenting. I really wanted to share my story to be there for someone else when they needed it. Take care and do something to lighten up and give yourself a break! Do something that makes you smile! (Because you letting me know I helped is making me smile. You deserve to smile big, too! And if you’re in the same situation, I know a smile can be tough some days.) —Sarah
If you haven’t already check out Vipassana meditation. It’s the style I meditate in and they offer free 10 day retreats and teaching – the foundation is completely donation funded, no outside funding from other agencies.
gosh, it’s so heartening to know I’m not alone in the utter devastation and pain that comes with heartbreak. I’m 4 months out of mine and the days are still tough…to the point i question my sanity and if I’m the ‘only one’. my therapist made a similar point, to not rush your grief. i too was desperate to feel better and get over it asap and be as strong and tough as i know i can be, but the reality is, I’m mourning the loss of my partner, one i never expected to lose. And as much as it hurts, denying that pain and sadness and rushing it along doesn’t help. ugh. it’s a process. much love to all! and thanks
Kate, best wishes to you. I think there is comfort in knowing that the feelings of love and loss are universal. Mourning is a universal experience. There are moments I still have to remind myself to go easy on myself. Take care. –Sarah
Thanks, Noam. I’ll check it out. –Sarah
Thank you for this! Something devastating (or in my mind it was devastating) happened in my relationship and for two weeks I really lost my appetite and energy. I soon realized that I could either “fake it till I make it” and choose happiness or continue crying and feeling self-pity. I splurged for the first time on some personal training sessions at the gym and started focusing on myself. The pain is still there but less and more numb.
We’re not alone 🙂
Really needed to read this article, thanks for sharing your experience Sarah!
Being the control freak I am and the self proclaimed Alpha woman, I feel the need to always maintain a strong front after my break up because I need to be a strong woman. Instead of giving my space and letting everything out, I held everything inside and kept analysing the situations over and over again. Then come the rage, hurt and anger.
“When you give yourself a break, you create space. Allowing things to be, just as they are, without judgment or expectation, gives you room to breathe. And that is good for clarity. You may find things start to get better, if you let them.”
I think it’s time to give myself the break and space I really need and seek that clarity I need to let go. I am looking forward to the “right” direction I needed to move forward.
xx
Adeline, I did the same thing, “analyzing the situation over and over again.” Looking back I think it was helpful to do that (even though it was frustrating at times). How else could I even begin to see how I got where I was? But there is definitely a time when that has to stop. At that point it is such a habit it is hard to quit. I think that’s what the experience in the story was about, in part. It was about saying: enough and letting go. Wishing you all the best. Take care, Sarah
Shirley, I’m glad you enjoyed it. One thing I learned from my break up is that relationships are a series of ups and downs, nothing is always good. The bad can be (or feel) devastating, but it is a good thing when it brings us to attention, as you (and I) found. Take care, Sarah
Thanks Sarah, I just had the man that I was seeing for the last few months break things off with me because he said that I already cared too much about him, and that he didn’t feel the same way. I know that he was doing me a favor, but the way that he broke things off with me was very insensitive and it was the morning after we had gone out for my birthday and had a seemingly fun night. He told me that I need to guard my heart better, and that he felt cheated because he thought that we were just “casual” and the fact that I had developed feelings wasn’t ok with him. So I’ve spent the weekend trying to distract myself from remembering what happened that morning, and trying to reconcile the weak person that I felt I was in that hour where I was crying and begging him to reconsider his decision. I’ve been afraid to sit with myself and let myself feel whatever I may, but reading these words reminds me that I love myself enough to give myself a break. stop trying to avoid my feelings, realize I wasn’t wrong for caring about someone, and move on with my life.
Jess, Jeez….not fun. Not fun at all. My experience eventually made me grateful for all I was able to learn about myself: my habits, tendencies, and where I wanted to go with my life. Like you said, “I know he was doing me a favor…” Even when we know what is happening is what we need, it doesn’t make it hurt less in the moment. Denying the hurt and trying to be strong (when we feel weak) doesn’t help any. Then again, wallowing in it isn’t great either. Finding balance is difficult and on going process. But they say the journey is the destination. I’m glad my story helped. Take care! –Sarah
Thank you for this….I really needed to read this.
Thanks for sharing this…really flt gud reading it!!
I am teary because I loved this story – I needed something on this dreary day – you never know where a story will lead – but this one was exactly what I needed and reminded me to keep it simple and not wallow in my self pity – Thank you
Hi Sarah, reading this article is really helpful. I’ve drowning myself in tears and sadness for these past few days. I didn’t think that i will gain any positive from the breakup. After reading this I am letting myself be weak and surrender it all, eventually i can start thinking with clarity now. Big thanks to you, i am moving forward now.
i cry a lot when i read this. I’m in this situation right now. I already did that ‘break’ thing but it almost like 6 months and I felt over and over again. I feel like I’m ready to heal my self but next day I cry again, I remembered again how hurtful that pain for me. Please help, I want to back to my true self.
Much appreciates, Sarah. I’ve been out of it for a while, and this has helped give me a little heart. Thank you!